The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Bad Gifts

Episode Date: December 15, 2012

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week the team discuss bad gifts, Christmas trees and Frank's awkward moment with music star Example.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hey, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text us on 81215, you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. When I say us, I mean myself, Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. Can I begin by congratulating our producer, Daisy, who passed her driving test yesterday. Oh, lovely. Yeah, very, very. It was one of the great moments of your life, I think. If I was to list, say, the four great moments of my life,

the other three, no, it's striking me, I can't say on radio, but certainly passing my test. One involved a hotel intercontinental, because you told me that. Yes, that's true I don't know that maybe later anyway it was free as well because I was doing a corporate downstairs

so yes it is it's a special moment you feel like it's like suddenly getting the power of flight king of the road and I knew she was going to pass because it was a male instructor I. Yes, brilliant. And I knew she was going to pass, because it was a male instructor. I know that's wrong, but I did know she was going to. Oh, well, third time lucky, as he said.

Yeah. I think I slightly sparked things in that Daisy sent me a joyous text. Yes, I got that text. Saying I've passed my test. And I said, well, actually, it's P-A-S-S-E-D, note-d not p-a-s-t that was my why did you say that because even in moments of elation i think spelling still counts okay so anyway um welcome to the show everyone hope you're feeling like the hangover's not too bad everybody's drunk everybody in britain is drunk at the moment, except me.

So it seems. But I am eating... Yeah, well, we are as well. I'm eating chocolate at 8 o'clock in the morning. Yeah. Where did you start with? You start with the... Oh, you started with the back. I've got a chocolate reindeer. I started at the scot. I've gone head. I didn't

even think they had a scot. I thought they had, like, a proper tail of reindeer. But no, they've got one of those. Like a bunny girl. I've not head. I didn't even think they had a Scott. I thought they had, like, a proper tail around here. But no, they've got one of those. Like a Bonnie girl. I've not started mine yet. Bonnie girl Scott. Can I begin by telling you something terrible that happened to me this week? Yeah.

I did the Graham Norton show, and that isn't the terrible thing. I like doing the Graham Norton show. It's not a very good show. He's a nice bloke. Who are your fellow couch people, can I just ask? My fellow couch people, you know you get your initial three people on the couch and then you're joined by a musical guest. Oh, yeah, at the end, yeah.

It's the way it works. I think that was the spot that Melanie Masson had in mind when she was asking me if she could come on my show. That's right. Oh, yes. I recall. Yeah. And that's interesting because we

talked about the fact that i'm often mistaken for graham norton and i said are you ever mistaken for me and he said no so what does that mean it's a bit of a one-way street yeah lookalikeness so i was with um billy piper lovely i was very excited about actually when i met her i you know you did the showbiz kiss i said um oh rose um you know that's because that was their character how embarrassing no she was fine with it it wasn't just around she actually said what a muggle look you know i could have called the stuff based on other well-known roles she's played then she'd have a reason to be upset so it was and josh groban the uh singer oh you raised me up well i didn't think you'd be that excited so wasn't that jerry hollywell who did that no that he did you raise me so anyway that was it it was all set set. And the musical guest was Example.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's trendy, Frank. He's one of the trendies. Well, I'll be absolutely straight with you. You know, I'm a middle-aged man. And when I say middle-aged, if I'm going to live to 110, I'm a middle-aged man. That's bleak.

And I thought I could do in the modern technology. I mean, it could be the last four years as a hologram. Yeah. Anyway, I'm not familiar with examples work. So I thought I'd go on the YouTube. You know the YouTube? Yeah, yeah. Go on there and find a few, as it were, examples.

Par example. Lovely. A few EGs. So I listened to a track you know what i loved it oh it was brilliant i really really liked it and i thought you know i'd play that on absolutely it was a little bit um it was a little bit drum and bassy for absolute so i don't think i'd be allowed a bit street for us it was a bit straight um uh It was a bit rubric. Right. And I'm just seeing if any of these adjectives fit.

So anyway, it was slightly garage and a bit grunge. Okay. It wasn't grimy, was it? No. Not the version I looked at, no. Good. Anyway, so I really liked it and it was called Lowdown so we did the show

and the show was I put my blue Stratos on, I was all set turned up, show went nicely I saw afterwards, Example came up to me and said how you doing and all that and I said I said hi, I said, how are you doing? And all that. And I said,

I said, I'll tell you there's a track of yours I really love, Lowdown. And he said, what, you've heard it on Lowdown? I said, no, no. The track Lowdown. I said, I really... I feel so ill at this

moment. I know it's not going to end well. I think it's brilliant. I said, I'll be honest with you, I wasn't familiar with your stuff, but I listened this moment. I know it's not going to end well. I think it's brilliant. I'll be honest with you, I wasn't familiar with your stuff, but I listened to that. I thought, honestly, it's great. He said, I don't have a track. Frank, this is the worst thing you've ever done. I feel ill.

And I actually did. You know those things you hear people say? Oh, I think you did. I actually said, no, no, you definitely. It's definitely you. I mean, oh, I think you did. I actually said, no, no, you definitely, it's definitely you. I mean, oh, please. And he said, no, honestly, I don't have a track called Lowdown. And, you know, the show had gone well and I felt good.

I had that... That glow. If a show goes well, yeah, I'd say a good show and Ready Break, the two things in my life that give me that glow. And I had that, I felt up and elated. And I had, i suddenly got the quickest stomach ache i have ever got in my life i was crippled with with um with stomach pain i can't believe you argued with him that's like that extraordinary argument you had with tony blair yes about whether brian ricks was alive and he'd met him the week before or something yeah but um

we'll come back oh god it was so true and he the terrible thing was week before or something. Yeah, but, um, we'll come back. Oh, God. It was so... And he... The terrible thing was, he blushed on my behalf. Oh, no. I made example blush. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was talking about, um... Your favourite example track. What is it, Frank? Lowdown. Yeah, but can I say...

What's the Lowdown example? Turns out there is no such... Well, in my defence, there is a track called Lowdown, by example. I just got the wrong example. The example that I looked at was X, the letter X, and then ample. Oh, dear. He sounds a bit more of E, though. Whereas he is E-X.

He's the more traditional. He sounds more clubs and boxers. But you'd think, wouldn't you? I mean, God bless, for example, he was very nice to me about it and then went on to say, by the way, my uncle played for West Bromwich Albion. Oh, that's nice of him. Shut up.

He did, yeah. Tony Grealish. I saw him play many times. Anyway. So had he said my uncle played for Aston Villa in a really cheerful, like, yay! Yes, that would have been an example. And if he'd have said the Wolves, I would have spat in his face. The Wolves.

But anyway, he... Surely he knows that there is someone else called Example that's spelt slightly differently. Why didn't he say, I think you've got the wrong example? It happens all the time. Maybe they should have, like, kind of... Maybe they should have, like, proper names. Well, they should have proper names. But if they're not going to do that,

if there is going to be two of them, they should do good cop, bad cop, and one of them could be good example and one of them could be bad example. And then you could hear it, and, like, parents could say, that's a bad example to set to the children. Yeah, you're right. And in another maestro mix-up this week, I was working with...

Tell me you didn't meet the situation. No, I didn't meet the situation. But I did meet Bradley McIntosh from S Club 7. Oh, I was a fan of their early work. You know, they were massive. He was telling me they did stadium gigs. As he beefed up. Did they just...? No, he was a fan of their early work. You know, they were massive. He was telling me they did stadium gigs. Has he beefed up? Did they just...

Oh, I see. No, he did. He was a fan of Ginsters, I remember. He seemed all right to me. Was he okay? He pulled a whipcord at one point, but maybe he's lost it. No, no, he looked good. Okay.

He's still quite, you know, he's with it. He wears the baseball cap. He's with it. Oh, he's very with it. He's with it. He wears the baseball cap. He's with it. Oh, he's very with it.

Anyway, we were playing a quiz in front of an audience, and he was saying, oh, no, I don't want to guess this. I'm not sure about it. And I said, oh, go on. Reach for the sky. Oh, no. Now, several things happened at this point. In case you don't know, Reach for the Stars. Now... Oh, no. There's several things happened at this point. In case you don't know, Ridge for the Stars is the actual name of the S-Globe track.

But I said Ridge for the Sky, which is actually, of course, the Kenneth Moore biopic of Douglas Bader. That's a mistake anyone could make. Bradley is a fan of that, to be fair. Yeah, I don't know if he is, actually. I don't know if he liked old tin legs, as he was known. But anyway, Bradley looked at me with... He didn't look angry. He looked a bit hurt that I'd got the title wrong.

And I think it wasn't helped by the fact the audience all laughed as if I'd got it right. Oh. As if... It didn't really matter what it was called. We know what you mean. Well, I think you probably sold it convincingly, Frank. Yeah, but it's, you know, Reaching for the Sky, it's a less ambitious. Yeah, but it's, you know, reaching for the sky, it's a less ambitious project altogether, isn't it,

than reaching for the stars? Yes, absolutely. I think you felt I'd downsized his dreams. That's just yoga, essentially. Yeah, exactly. Or being, you know, stretchy. Yeah. And then, on top of all that, my musical hat trick

is I tried to get tickets for one of my all time favourite bands Kraftwerk, the German electro pop giants who were playing Tate Modern and the whole thing crashed the whole website crashed the phone was engaged

they're doing 8 nights, all 8 albums I wanted to go to all 8 nights that's unlike the Germans. They're very organised normally. Nothing. We can't blame them. It was an art thing. And my personal assistant, who never, ever swears,

was so outraged that she couldn't get through that she sent me an email that began with the phrase, damn and blast, which I saw. It made it almost worthwhile. And relax. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is the season of gifts. Isn't it?

I think you'll agree. And I had rather a spectacular gift. It was me. I mean mean i've got a picture we should put it on the website it's me carved on a watermelon oh lovely my face lovely you'd be surprised how good it is i'm gonna i'm gonna show you guys now but we'll put it on the uh i love excluding the listeners if i possibly can with visual things um but anyway i keep talking about it and it was it was a really it was one of the best likenesses you know occasionally get sent um drawings of me um from um you know prisoners that kind of thing and um and uh and anyway um i got this watermelon.

And it's one of the best likenesses of me I've seen. But what happened is they don't keep. No. They perish. It went... If you can imagine that I'd written a short story called The Watermelon of Dorian Gray, in which I kept

my portrait in the attic. That's what happened. So pretty soon there was actually a piece of blue mould on the cheek and I thought, you know, I've got all that to look forward to. And now have a look at that. Now the roses on that they're made out of

slices of turnip. No. Like pink. You wouldn't believe it. That slices of turnip. No. Like pink. You wouldn't believe it. That is a turnip for the books. Oh. I'm writing that down.

Hot pro. Some of you best work. You've no idea how long I've been trying to think of a watermelon pun for. But who'd have thought that you could make a rose out of a turnip? And they say you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. They can now, apparently. Can they? They're going to change that saying, yeah.

I know you could make, maybe if Miss Piggy's here, you could make a foam latex purse. I don't know what you'd do about the zip. I've just done that thing of scrolling through the photos, which you're not meant to do. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, you've seen that one.

Sorry about that. But, you know... It's like you in the Intercontinental. I was just messing about. No, they didn't have cameras then. But I had another gift. Some people I'd been working with bought me a banjo. Oh, that's nice.

Well, the thing is, I've got... You've already got a uke, though. Haven't you got a couple of these? Well, this is the problem. I've got a lot of these things. I've already got, like, three's nice. Well, the thing is I've got... You've already got a uke, though. Haven't you got a couple of these? Well, this is the problem. You've got a lot of these things. I've already got, like, three banjos. Mm-hm. And we all.

Yeah. And, I mean, last year they played safe with falconry vouchers. Did they? Yeah. Which is my kind of gift. Yeah, you have a day's falconry, you just turn up with your voucher. I love a voucher.

I think we've, every year I say this, they're the best gift. Yeah. And I got, it was a very nice banjo, and I thought, what do I do? Do I take it away and think, oh, well, you know, you can always use an extra banjo. Or do I say, actually, I don't want this?

Because people don't like it. Excuse me. Anyway do I say, actually, I don't want this? Because people don't like it. Excuse me. Anyway, I said, look, I've got banjos. In the manner of Simon Cowell. Yeah, I said, look, I said, look, well, look, I've got banjos. And I said, I don't want it. And it was difficult. You did not say that.

Yeah. Just because you've already got them. I don't want it. And it was difficult. You did not say that. Yeah. Just because you've already got them. I don't want it. That's one of the hardships of buying for someone such as yourself. Maybe they're thinking... But I thought, how better for them to know that they've got me something that I want. No, not better. Awful.

No, they've actually got you something you don't want for them. The terrible thing was I did both performances. Because when they bought me the banjo, I said, oh, brilliant, fantastic. And then after I thought, no, actually, I don't want this. So the next time I saw them, I said, actually, I don't want it. I was lying. So now they've seen how good a liar I am. They'll never believe a word you say ever again.

Anyway, I've ended up with a voucher for Hobgoblin. No, it's not as good as it sounds. That's a music shop. Oh, is it? Yeah, so I've got a voucher to go to. It's also quite a tasty beer. I was thinking it was a terrible gift for you. Yeah, well...

You know, now I've got the voucher. But, um, it was, um... I thought... I actually started thinking. I heard a thing on the radio years ago. A woman said that she was very careful not to mix the knives, forks and spoons in her drawer because she felt they'd squabble in the night. Oh, I love that.

And I thought, if I took her banjo home to my ukuleles, it'd be a bit like, you know when John Lennon took May Pang home? Now, apparently Yoko Ono was all for it but when they had an active love life in her vicinity she went off the idea I love your descriptions breakfast radio you've got to keep it keep it a bit

steady yeah she wasn't so happy and I thought that would be the kind of tension you're looking at me like that for no no I was gripped by this so happy and I thought that'd be the kind of tension there'd be with the... What are you looking at me like that for? No, no. I'll tell you what, I listen as the worst gifts you've ever

received or when you've actually said to people, I don't want this. A lot of people haven't said that, Frank. I have to tell you. Well, I'm up to set a trend. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We're asking about bad gifts that people have received. We've already heard from the outside world. Dear Emily, Alan and Frank, I once received an electric fire from my now ex-husband. I love that man. Can I just say?

What an amazing Christmas gift that is. The thing is, that's one of those gifts where, is it for, you know, you're going to get the benefit of that electric fire as well. Yeah. Do you think he gave it to her whilst wearing gloves and a woolly hat going, I'm looking forward to you getting this? I don't know, it's not a terrible present, is it? Well, she thinks so. It's pretty bad depends on many bars it's pretty bad and this is coming from someone who once bought her father a sheet

of solitary sandpaper for his birthday yes i just thought that's what you bought dad's right yeah yeah that's all it was was it framed was your dad especially gritty oh lovely work though yeah what happened is that he bought a lot of very smooth match boxes yeah i would say that's a fine gift um i'd want more than one sheet you don't want more than one sheet but then he paid me back as i think i told you last year by getting me 50 shades of grey have you read it have i hell okay i uh i i i think i may have mentioned on this show before that I was very, very tactless once early on in my relationship with my wife when her parents gave me posh soap one Christmas.

I love posh soap. Well, I do now. I've come full circle. But at the time, I went, Have you bought me soap? It was really, really charmless. Oh, dear. And, yeah, but I couldn't quite believe that they'd bought a young man some soap.

No, I'm always happy. I thought they were saying I stank. My cleaner always buys me soap. Really? Oh, is that a hint, do you think? No, I think she's... Is it in those bottles that spray? She operates within a narrow theme of cleaning.

Frank, 454, my missus sends awesome prezzies, such as restricted-view theatre tickets, a second-hand Snuggie, and a Wallace and Gromit sheep magazine holder. A what? A Wallace and Gromit. It must be, I'm assuming it's in the shape of a sheep or something, a magazine rack.

Oh, I see. That's from Rob. Oh, yeah. Quite a lot of sand in there. Yes, I'm assuming it's in the shape of a sheep or something, a magazine right? That's from Rob. Oh yeah. Quite a lot of sand in there. Yes, I do as well. We once gave somebody a wine bottle holder that was shaped like a banana, so it just looked like a banana, but then you put a bottle of wine in it and it sort of sticks it out horizontally, as it were.

Can I also say... Can I cue Emily's catphrase at this stage? Filthy creep. Well, I received something this morning which filled me with great excitement and I'm going to tell you what it is after this. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. My listeners have been texting in about terrible Christmas presents. Good. And there are quite a few of them. We've got 161. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Re-worst gifts. My brother, when he was 14, received an incense burner in the shape of the Grim Reaper.

He was in no way a goth. One of my favourite caveats ever, I have to say. Yeah, I like that. I like the protesting there. A way a goth. One of my favourite caveats ever, I have to say. Yeah, I like that. I like the protesting there. A way a goth, the Guardian. He was in no way a goth, and it seemed to be of pound shop quality. To this day, we have no idea why he was bought it, but it makes us laugh every time we think about it. So maybe, in a way, it was the best gift ever received.

Lovely Christmas, Martha in Surrey. Well, can I say, I set up a bit of a teaser before this of a gift thing and I received an envelope when I arrived at Absolute this morning. It says on it, for the attention of Frank Skinner, and then it says in brackets, urgent,

top cap coin. Excellent. And some of you, the Regular listeners will know that This is me opening it Is that A listener who What would happen is

We wouldn't finish out That's what they do That's the acting on Radio 4 But you haven't But why didn't you even That's when it's getting really serious. But anyway, a friend of the show runs a vending machine company. I think that was the story, wasn't it?

Yeah, he'd retired. And they found a coin on a string. It's 50p on a string. I have it in my hands here. Oh, wow. So that someone had been using it in the machine. The way Top Cat always gives a tip at the end of the show, the beginning of the show.

Yeah. And then pulls it out again. So I've got a 50 pence on a string and I'm going to see if that works on things. And no one's going to stop me. No. You are the indisputable leader of the gang after all. Exactly. And like Tom Cruise, close friends get to call me TC. Nice. He's been seen

out with a girl. I mean, I saw that. That's old skirt chaser. Was it a blonde that he'd picked out in Sweden? Oh, you know what he's like. Picking a blonde in Sweden must be a tricky little in a haystack sort of a thing. By the way, it was Rob who sent us the Top Cat kind. Because remember, he signed himself Rob, comma, Long Time Listener.

Yeah. But he used a capital L and you thought he was Rob Long. Mm-hmm. I thought it was a pun. A rookie error, if I may say. And he says here, I made a mistake with the thing, and Alan went on to suggest that my name was Rob Long, comma, Time Listener, thus making me out of some sort of cheap Doctor Who sidekick.

And then he ends, Alan, you're the idiot. Does he? No need for that, is there? People usually just text us that abuse directly, because they know I get to read it. Don't ever tell me that. As far as I'm concerned, every text of this show is glowing praise. Well, actually, some of them are reporting their previous bad gifts.

I'll settle for that. We have one here. Frank, I once received a horse racing almanac, a book full of racing stats going back years from my auntie when I was ten. I have no interest in horse racing. From Gary in Manchester. Didn't they get you into it, though? You'd think.

I'd have thought, no, I've got the book, I'm going to dedicate my life to horse racing. Yeah, but that's your, even the feet approach, isn't it? Yeah, my dad had all that sort of stuff, ready-reckness and stuff like that. Oh, my dad had wisdoms. Yeah, all dads have that. My dad died.

Is that what we're doing? We're going round the group, are we? Oh, no. Five, six, eight. Really bad Christmas present. My friend, when we were at uni, bought his new girlfriend an abdominizer for Christmas. Oh, ouch.

Yeah, that is... The relationship was a short one. That's from Carrie from Bristol. That's so... Awful. Yeah, yes, you don't want to do that. And slightly perplexing, my wife got a second-hand

folding coat hanger from Perry. No, that's actually Alan's wife. My wife, yeah. From Perry? Oh, she got what? The text is from Perry. Yes. She said it as if my girlfriend's mum says to me, Alan and

Kareem came over on Tuesday. There are always people, I don't know who they are. And they said, Susan, that's been well. I never explained to anyone, I thought you were doing that. Got a coat hanger from Perry. Oh, OK. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. You can text us on 81215, follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute, and you can Xerox us on... What is that number?

I don't know. What's the Xerox? It's the same as the Telex one. OK. We've had a telegram in. And it affects us on... Had a telegram in. That was from John Bishop.

Morning, Frank and team. Our great auntie bought myself, sister and two cousins what she believed were Malteser Christmas crackers. When we opened our gifts, they were in fact dog biscuit crackers. We never told her. You know, I remember eating dog chocolates as a child. Oh, God. I kind of said they didn't kill me, so I suspect the reverse is

not true. You know, your childhood was dog treats and raw sausages. It sounds more and more bizarre. Yeah, that is actually the title of my autobiography. Stig of the Dom? No, dog treats and raw sausages. Frank. A life of the dump. No, dump treats and raw sausages. Frank.

A life. 202. 202, my mum bought me a 12-plug adapter for Christmas. Her reason for the gift was that you can never have enough plugs. I tell you the great thing about those European multi-adapter things is they're great for a multi-jostic holder. If you're having a meditation session oh yeah yeah burning some of your incense little tip handy hi there was a bit of a reunion this week did you see did you see you all right i thought you'd sat on a pin. No, I'm all right.

No, well, yes, it was the lovely Spice Girls enjoying themselves. Oh. Well, 80%. Straudery statement. 80% of them. Well, we'll get on to that. Because I bet my favourite one is your worst one. I guess, I can guess, because of your fashion connections, who you like best.

But I like the one who looked streets ahead of the rest sartorially. Oh, you like Gerry. Oh, young musician of the year in the ruffles. No, thank you. Please. As we've said before, they need to get together before and say, what look are we going for? You see, the Beatles had it right.

The Beatles would wear matching suits. Yeah, although they hated that period of their life, didn't they? Yeah, but you know when you see them turn up at Shea Stadium and they've got those matching suits, they look brilliant. Like One Direction. Yeah, there's an element of sort of a very smart, quick fit about them. Whereas they've all turned up for different events, the Spice Girls. I know this is a bugbear of yours, and when I saw the picture,

the first thing I thought was Frank's going to be stiff with stress. When he sees this sartorial line up. They're all dressed for different events. I don't. No, Gerry was Young Musician of the Year. Well I thought Gerry looked lovely. I thought, no she didn't. Mel B looked very sexy I thought.

A bit body con. Did you see that? She's very I love my curves. She is. She's very I love my curves. She is. She's very I love my curves. But, you know, she's great. Emma Bunton. Nice. Full length lace. Did we like that?

No, she's nice. Oh, OK. She is nice. And they'll see a bit cheeky and flirty. I like that. Yeah, cheeky and flirty. They're two new members. For me, it was Victoria all the way.

I thought she looked so chic and elegant. She looked amazing. And she was doing with the jacket, did you notice, Frank? Oh, my feet. No, they call it shoulder robing, when you don't actually put your arms through the jacket. I was like, what have you done? It was like Peter Spencer on Sky News.

Yeah. You know, the sort of camp Dracula reporter, political reporter on Sky News? He always does that with his overcoat on his shoulders. See, when I see somebody, what's it called? Shoulder roving. Shoulder roving. When I see that, there's always a little bit of my eye that looks down to see if they've got an arm in a sling, because that's what people do when they're armed.

I think it mocks everyone who's got an arm missing. An arm missing, an arm in a sling. Even Lord Nelson. Even Lord, especially Lord Nelson. Now, I think, as you know, I'm a cloak enthusiast. And there are people who are just playing at it. If you want a cloak, get a cloak. What you end up doing, you have to, you sort of hunch, I've tried it.

You hunch your shoulders to try and keep the coat on you know the way like you claw your toes in flip-flops yeah it's like that oh yes you're constantly clenched around trying to keep it lovely see you haven't got the uh the throat cord that you have on your standard cape i think um it was a lovely coat she was half wearing it was beautiful it was a beautiful even i thought that's a beautiful coat you see she can't hang out with them she's got to protect the brand now oh come on smile this is frank skinner absolute radio yes so i see who did you like, Gerry? You always liked Gerry. I presented a Brit Award to the Spice Girls many, many years ago.

It was that thing when... Do you remember when, as Gerry approached the stage, she sort of fell out of her dress? Do you remember that? She had like a... When that was happening, I was the one standing with the award waiting for them to get on the stage.

And the rest, as they say, is history, is it? Yeah. Was that when you presented the actual Brit? No, it was when I just presented an award. I can't talk about that. No, I can't. Can I bring that up? No, go on. At Christmas? So, I remember them that night.

There was all these super cool bands they would won awards all standing around even though they'd won awards couldn't smile because you know they were like cool bands man yeah we don't really care about it you know we just all that the spice girls start stood in a small tight circle and jumped off and down really high so that their knees banged together in the middle. They were absolutely bursting with excitement and I loved it. I thought, how great to win an award and think yeah, loving it. And it looks like

four of them are still loving life. And the other one has become Laurence Olivier's Richard III. I won't have that. No, look, I agree. She wore a lovely outfit. She did.

She's got a very nice... She's a chic NY fashion designer now. She can't associate with these ruffled characters. But it was the way poor David Beckham was trying to smile for two in the photos. He was really giving it some. I mean, I know that. I know I've been out with the partner when they're in a bad mood.

And you try and be extra genial, seeing if you can melt them a bit. It's not going to work with Vic, I don't think. Hats off to the son, though, who I thought came up with a great headline, given that she was a bit distant from them. I need my own spice. That's good, I think. I like that a lot. That's good, I think. I like that a lot.

Long live forever, by the way. Sorry? Long live forever. That's what Viva Forever means, doesn't it? Oh, yes. Yeah. If you're going to wish anything a long life, I think you're wasting your time with forever. That's the one concept that can look after itself in the long life.

Yeah. So what does it mean, that title? It means nothing. I don't think that much thought's gone into it. Maybe they should have gone for Viva Milk, like long life milk. Yeah. Long live milk. Voxel Viva Forever.

That would have made sense. Voxel Viva Forever. If it was about like a car renovation workshop that they all worked in that would have worked out Obviously for me the word forever is always synonymous with Judy Blume's work I think we can all learn from these

photographs of the Spice Girls You have to make your choice in life whether you're going to be the jumpy up and down giggly happy person or the sullen one whether you're going to look nice with the semi yeah but you know i know which one i'm going for it's like i found one expression that works for me i'm going to stick with that you can try one or two others i seem to remember a smile wasn't great but you know you're out with a family i say i seem to remember i last saw it in the early 90s frank catherine wood has texted in my father wants you know catherine would no no but thanks for the

tip my father once bought me a battery recharger but without the batteries i was only 10 years old and couldn't afford to buy them oh that's that's sad, isn't it? I wonder what happened to that battery recharger. I hope it wasn't wasted. We've also had a text, my nan once bought me and my two older brothers a blank VHS each, writing on the label, because some moments in life are worth recording. Oh,

lovely. That's lovely. I hope that the tab hadn't been broken off and replaced by sellotape, which is what they used to do. I tell you what, let's have some reasons to be cheerful from our listeners. Because I had an experience this week which I think has changed my life. And I'll tell it to you after this. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, you were talking earlier about reasons to be cheerful. 610 has texted in, Brilliant. Love it.

I like the idea. We know there's three non-smokers now. Yeah. Inside. Saying they're killing themselves. Love it. I like the idea. We know there's three non-smokers now. Mm-hm. Inside. Saying they're killing themselves. My thing this week was I bought for the first time... I'm talking about Reason to Be Cheerful because I think that four of the Spice Girls

seem to be able to enjoy themselves and I think Victoria has lost her way. I'm trying to help her out if she's listening. I bought some sliced cheese. Oh, yeah. Cheese, but already sliced. What kind of cheese? We're back to bad Christmas presents.

It was a mature cheddar. All right, OK, nice. But it wasn't like one of those plasticky square cheese things. It was like a normal block of cheese, but sliced. I can't tell you how convenient it was. Why not? I started... Extraordinary anecdote. I can't tell you how convenient it was. Why not? I started... Extraordinary anecdote.

I started having... It's a secret. I started every sandwich I had, I thought I might have a square of cheese, or they'd see that I don't have to slice it. There was no knife washing. You have got previous with your Lear Dammer Light Alive. Oh, no, but this was just like proper cheese.

And already sliced. It's a piece of what? Is it wrapped in cellophane like the processed cheese, to life. Oh, no, but this was just like proper cheese. And, um, and already sliced. Is it wrapped in cellophane like the processed cheese, or is it just there? No, he keeps saying it's proper cheese. What do you think, it's like a big stack and you just help yourself? No, of course it's wrapped in cellophane, don't be ridiculous. Just interested in what the system is. Do you know what, I'm with you, Cockrell, I'm finding this

difficult to visualise. You buy sliced cheese, so you don't have to... I know you buy sliced cheese, but what was unusual about it? I've never bought it before. I buy a block and then I use a knife. Isn't that what people do? Yeah, that's how I'm rolling. I'm thinking now, I've got an eye on the grated cheese bag.

Oh, once you start on that, you'll never go back. No. That's my saying. But how brilliant... What, have I been wasting my time cutting cheese? Have you been wasting your time cutting the cheese? The times I've cut cheese and it's been at one end of the strip of cheese. It's too thick.

There's too much cheese. I don't want that much cheese. At the other end, I could read the newspaper through it. Oh. When you grate, Frank, which end do you use? When you grate? Which end? Yes through it oh when you grate frank which end do you use when you grate which end yes you know when you're grating yeah sometimes you end up with a terrible irrigated surface on the top i find with the cheese no i keep an eye on that because sometimes if you're grating with with great gusto um you end up with a slope on the cheese yeah and

what i do is i turn it around to level it i I like to keep it level, the cheese. Yeah. I've noticed my mother-in-law, who I love very much, has got a habit of leaving the cheese on a bit of a slope. Does she? And I feel I have to level it out, even if I don't want cheese. I have to grate it level. But you do love pickles, so I suppose there's... I love pickles. ...any excuse.

I don't mean the dog who found the World Cup. I mean those things that come in jars. Nor the judge. I had a bit of a tension with the mother-in-law this week. Did you? Why? I saw the mother-in-law this week. I was celebrating the fact that Barsey's saying daddy now

on a regular basis. Lovely. I mean, you can imagine how exciting that is. Your baby's saying daddy. And she said to me, is it daddy? It sounds more like egghead. I thought, whoa! Hold on, it doesn't sound like egghead.

And also... That's some sort of slander. Not only is he not saying daddy, he's abusing me. Because I have got a bit of an egghead. And the first thing he's going to say is an insult I'm not having it He definitely says daddy Trust me

Anyone listening Get him on the phone now Saying daddy Back me up Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Someone's texted I've got 14 bite sized cathedral pieces Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Someone's texted, I've got 14 bite-sized cathedral pieces, each one wrapped. Is that... Is that the cheese? Is that Quasimodo? Oh, cathedral cheese, yeah. Do you think it is, or do you think it's someone that's got... Bite-sized. Bite-sized. Bits of a cathedral that had been broken down into...

Yeah, but it could be Britain's Fatest Man. He might think that's bite-sized. BFM. What, cathedral-sized? Bits of a cathedral that had been broken down into... Yeah, but it could be Britain's Fatest Man. He might think that's bite-sized. BFM. What, cathedral-sized? Yes. I think he got hit with a cathedral, didn't he? A Silvio Berlusconi. He did at one point, yeah.

That was a bit... My view is that he was without sin cast the first cathedral. To paraphrase. I'm just trying to cheer everyone up today. It's Christmas and you've got your choice. You can be Jerry or you can be posh, right? You can smile or you can be solid. Or you can look great.

Yeah. I had a horrible moment looking at those pictures thinking in reunion scenarios, I think I might be posh. Really? I think my family and friends probably think, oh, he's a bit aloof, standing at the side, not jumping up and down. I think that's probably me. I can't sing.

I'm very like her. You are, actually. I've often thought that. I'm a very successful fashion designer. Anyway, we've had some emails in during the week. Whoa! Email corner! Nice to hear Chewbacca harmonising It was nice

Dear Frank, Emily and Alan I'm an expat living in Maine, USA Another Maine man Really enjoy listening to the podcast As it keeps me in touch with things back home I particularly enjoyed the discussion On last Saturday's show about catchphrases. Alan's story about a drunken lady's rantings on a night out in Huddersfield

struck a particular chord. Well, that was every week, isn't it? Yeah. A few years ago, I was in a pub car park in Coventry after a day out watching my beloved Huddersfield town lose to the mighty Kidderminster Harriers. I witnessed a drunk... Oh, Kidderminster Harriers.

It was quite local to me. I used to play cricket in the Kidaminster League. Did you? Good for carpets, Kidaminster. Is that right? But I seem to remember they had twins playing from at one point, the Harriers. Didn't they were called the Joyner twins? And people used to say that they had a sort of a bit...

something a bit psychic going on. That one would know where the other one, what they could pass without even looking at it. That's useful. Oh, that is handy. They're my fourth favourite twins. After the cheekies, Samantha, and the Krays, obviously. Are they twins? Yeah. Were they?

The Krays? Of course they were, yeah. That's why they're called the Kray twins, isn't it? Yeah. I thought you'd be more familiar with their work. I am more familiar with their work than that would have led you to believe, sadly. They should have done a Samanda, shouldn't they? But it's difficult because they've both got the same initial.

Yeah. Rajonny. Rajonny. Rajonny's lovely. Yeah? It's not as easy as that, is it? Love Rajonny. Anyway, he'd been watching Huddersfield Town

loose to the mighty kid of Minster Harriers I witnessed a drunk local exiting the pub shouting angrily at I assume his girlfriend he then proceeded to take offence towards me quite justified given that I was simply standing there minding my own business and retorted

don't think you're hard because you're wearing a football shirt I like that yes it's your kind of thinking own business and retorted, don't think you're hard because you're wearing a football shirt. I like that. Yes, it's your kind of thinking. It's a nice phrase, isn't it? Me and my brother went through a phase where every change that we made, like buying new trainers or getting a new haircut, and we would always look at each other and go, does this make me look a bit harder? We'd like wanted to look hard. Was that the goal then? Yeah, I don't know why. It's horrible looking back on it. You see, I often wear a football shirt, but I, I, I wear it. You don't look hard is that the goal then yeah i don't know why it's horrible looking back on it but you see i often wear a football shirt but i i don't look hard in it darling no i when i secrete

it under a hooded top i don't like to wear one up up on the surface don't think you're hard just because you're wearing a hoodie no that's that's what that could actually be a phrase now i'll be honest with you on wednesday i wore a singlet oh? I haven't wore a singlet for a long time. How did that go? You know a singlet's like a very small spinster. Yes, it's like 118, man. It's a vest, basically. 118 top. Yeah, I wore a vest under my shirt.

Oh, I thought you wore it on its own. I'm getting so... I'm going backwards. I think I've peaked. I'm like a bouncing ball. I've reached the top of my arc and I'm going back down. I wore a vest this week and I also, my girlfriend bought me a manual typewriter.

Wow. Not Emanuel typewriter, the well-known Jewish printer. A manual typewriter. I love it. That's a nice gig. I'm doing stand-up in the new year, so I've decided I'm going to write it all on a manual typewriter. So that's a nice gig I'm doing stand up in the new year so I've decided I'm going to write it all on a manual typewriter so that's what I've been doing

it's not funny but it sounds great yeah that sounds hard work I'm loving it we are still in the corner not with baby no with email dear Frank, Emily and alan i love the podcast

a bit too much like praise but never mind and feel compelled to share a family saying with you we were talking about that last week weren't we yes um on my husband's first day at school he's now 55 he was so overwhelmed by the whole experience that he had a most unfortunate incontinent episode of the number two variety. Worse still. He was sent home with his soiled clothes parceled up in newspaper and tied with string. From that day on, his father would herald a trip to the loo

by announcing, I'm going for a package. Over the years, this phrase was lengthened to package deal and then shortened to deal. So they say I'm going for a deal when they go to the toilet. A term now affectionately used by my husband and delivered in a tone reminiscent of his father. Incidentally, the school dressed him in a pair of leather lederhosen to protect his dignity.

Thanks for the laughs, Leanne, in Queensland, Australia. Lederhosen in Queensland, Australia. Leiderhausen. Yeah. Australia. The sun on the meadow is summery warm. Everybody listening, come on, sing up. I don't know how I feel about this anthem.

Don't know it. No. That would have really protected his dignity, the leather Leiderhausen. I like the idea, though, of saying I'm going for a deal. I might use it. Deal or no deal. Deal or no deal when you come back out. Well, exactly.

Kath does that. Kath will say to me, any good? Any luck? Any good? False alarm. Yeah, I'll say it was a missed deal. Oh, dear. Laugh.

No, please. Hi, Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. My old man has a bounty of tried and tested dad jokes at his disposal throughout my childhood. But perhaps the most well-worn item in his repertoire was when he would put the car in reverse, let out a nostalgic sigh and say, ah, this takes me back.

Still as funny the 356th time as the first at least to him i'm i'm hoping it would be all right for me to use that sometimes you know what as soon as i read that i'm having that it's so brilliant i love it it i think it's the best joke i've ever heard my god i do and do. And I love a car-based joke. It reminded me of a joke I used to do and I forgot about. When I was in the car, I used to open the glove compartment and then I'd say, where have I put them gloves? Where have I put them gloves? And then close it again.

I stopped it because no one laughed one I used I saw Jerry Lee Lewis live and a woman got on stage he's a bit of a filthy creep sometimes people get on stage fans and try to approach the artist

oh yeah that's how I've met some of my boyfriends fabulous and Jerryerry lee was um playing the piano so he was focusing and this woman came on and she tried i think she went to kiss him but when she went close he sort of he like he just saw at the last minute he he splashed out sort of threw his arm out he didn't need to hide but he sort of slapped her away and the security guards um came on and dragged her off. And Jerry Lee said, sorry, he said, I thought it was my ex-wife.

And I've used that. If I'm doing a TV recording, anyone like the floor manager or anything comes, anyone creeps up on me, I always say, I'm sorry, I thought that was my ex-wife. I love it. I'll keep them rolling in. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

Hi. Are you familiar with the work of Chesney Hawks? Well, surely he is the one and only. I think he was the one and only. Yeah. Oh. No, don't say are, because he had a little bit of a comeback. Oh, he did the Christmas lights.

He got some stick, didn't he? The Christmas market opening at Hastings. That makes it sound like it was Regent Street. OK. But it didn't go down very well with the residents initially. Yeah, but Mayfair was done by Catherine Jenkins. Lucifer. Yeah.

It said in the mail the very essence of Christmas. Come off you. Unless they meant on her new album she's doing Santa Baby. It has not escaped my attention that Santa is an anagram of Satan.

And also associated with red and black outfits, like Satan. Associated with coming down the chimney into flames. Yeah. Mm-hm. You've got a number. Also touring with Il Divo at the moment. Not a million miles from El Diablo, but also...

Do you remember Il Divo? Not a million miles. But two totally different worlds. Do you remember Black DeVoe? And not a million miles, but two totally different worlds. Do you remember Black and Red, of course? Black and Red, which was an anthem to Satan. On that, when Neil DeVoe were on... Sun, Black and Dead. Do you remember they chose the colours

by pulling feathers out of an angel's wings? The most profoundly symbolic act. Well, she's now touring with him. I mean, the forces are gathering and it's up to us to fight back. Yeah, and I think we know she's got a bit of a mole in the Spice Girls.

Okay, we'll say no more. Well, meanwhile, over in Hawksville. Oh, yes. So Chesney, the resident, he got a bad reception. When it was announced he was doing it, they were... Why? Didn't they set up an anti-Chesney Twitter or Facebook? Well, no, it was rumoured that

Suggs would be doing it. Well, they would be. They must be gutted. Yeah. It's very hard to see Suggs unless you're in a pub in Islington. I read someone saying, why can't we have Mick Jagger? And you think, well, he's busy. That's why. How long would it take to answer the question, why can't we have Mick Jagger? And you think, well, he's busy. That's why. How long would it take to answer the question,

why can't they have Mick Jagger? Hopefully in the Christmas fair in haste. This has been my life, I have to say. When you do chat shows and stuff like that, you have the first meeting and someone says, what guests shall we have? What about Madonna? And you say, would Madonna do it?

And they say, you know what? I think she might. I honestly think she might. Two weeks later, they're saying, Ashley Banjo might be interesting. It drops very... Not that there's anything wrong with Ashley, but, you know, these big star things.

Mick Jagger. Good old... Chess. Chess. I always liked Chess. Yeah, me too. Always. He had the untended mole.

See, a lot of celebrities would have got rid of that mole. He used to... He did a Cindy Crawford with it. He used to leave it to grow fallow for a year. Did he? Yeah, like a crop rotation thing. Like Glastonbury when they just left it for a bit. Yeah.

Another resident who was interviewed also asked, why can't they have a proper celebrity like Andy Bell? Which I thought was quite a low bar, to be honest.

At least that's reasonable. Yeah. Well, Chesney did the gig, the good news is, and I think he killed it. He stormed it. He opened with

Slade's Merry Christmas, everybody. Which was, that was good that he did the only thing that i had an issue with frank was did you see the photographs he wore a t-shirt saying i heart hastings but he wore it over a winter coat over the coat out and it looked you know when a tory mp has to put on the t-shirt at the jumble sale over a shirt and a jacket yeah he looked big it was a bit shallow how How? It's a Michelin Man thing, yeah.

I don't like that I heart things as well. I heart New York. I heart... I'm not... I don't like the idea of any kind of awful being used as a verb. Back me up. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I'm with Emily Dean I'm with the cockerel Alan Cochran You can text us on 81215 You can follow us on Twitter

at Frank on Absolute and it's nearly Christmas It is nearly Christmas Apparently Chesney Hawks next year is going to do panto in Hastings. You know that? Because then he's got the whole year after it off to regret it. Apparently those who act in Hastings repent at leisure. That's a little joke there for you.

A little pun that I've been keeping. Acting in Hastings. Isn't it marrying? Okay. Anyway, moving on to Pastures New. Isn't it marrying haste? I thought it was acting haste, repent at leisure. I think it's marrying haste.

No, it's acting haste, isn't it? I think I'll find it's marrying. No, as your girlfriend said to me this week, Frank, well, as they say, in my jest, my whatever. That's a very cat thing to say, in my jest, my whatever. That's a very cat thing to say. In my jest, my whatever. Some of the things. When she said there was a guy at work,

she said you should have seen him. He said he was like a goldfish in the headlights. I think it was a Senator Edward Kennedy joke. I've spoken out of turn. I now bring you He's shaken, he's completely shaken I now bring you to Three words, monkey, sheepskin, Ikea

Oh that macaque Oh I love that macaque In case you don't know this story It's very fine A monkey was It's in Canada was it? A monkey suddenly turned up in Ikea Wearing a full length Well full length for a monkey. It's in Canada, was it? Yes, I believe so. A monkey suddenly turned up in Ikea wearing a full-length

sheepskin coat. It was in Sunderland, Ontario, in Canada. It was one of those rare occasions of it being a monkey in sheep's clothing. You don't often hear of it. And it was screaming

and going ballistic, the way monkeys do. He was wearing a sheepskin coat, Frank. There's a shot of him gazing up into the CCTV camera. It's all buttoned up and it's brilliant, like Secret Squirrel. Yes. Well, they have got the opposable thumb, haven't they, of course? I want to buy him, just for Christmas, but I want to buy him. He's available, I think, because he's been taken off his owner

for having an inappropriate pet. I'll wait till they see my fox. I wondered if he might be an East German political prisoner, come to protest. Do you think? All that IKEA work. But never know. It was a... Oh, it's a fabulous thing.

I like the fact that it was in Sunderland, Ontario. You can tell that it's in the Canadian Sunderland because even a monkey wouldn't wear an outdoor coat in winter in our Sunderland, would it? No. It'd be just a Sons coat. That's true. It was... They're calling him Darwin.

What do you think of that? What do you think of that? Well, I think it's a simplistic summing up of Darwin's theater. Monkey in overcoat. Did you get it? Evolution just summed up there. Do you think they're that simplistic that they're looking for an owner that wears a sheepskin coat based on

the monkey see, monkey do theory? Yeah, maybe so. Why was he in Ikea? I mean, that's what I want to know. Yeah. He might have been after a tyre. Do you think they're more like heels kind of customers or something? Do you think he was pining for the jungle?

Oh, yeah. I've gone terribly pond heavy, this. I know. But a weird coincidence. I was working with glamour model Lucy Pinder this week. Are you doing your calendar again? Yeah. Yeah, I'm the fluffer.

Yeah. And anyway... Oh! Sorry. No, I was working with Lucy Pinder, and it turns out her ambition, or one of her ambitions, is to hold a monkey.

It's brilliant. That sounds disgusting. I don't mean 500 quid. I mean, to actually embrace and hold a monkey monkey do you know she's my sounder like frank apparently is that right yes people used to text into the show and say i sounded like her i must say i liked her she was i'm a fan of her i thought she'd be you know an airhead kind of a she was no she's quite bright but also um but but i said look, I'm sure if Lucy Pinder's agent phoned up, say, London Zoo and said, Lucy, look, come and hold a monkey. I said, let's sort it out.

Yeah. And she said, do you think so? These people, they've got the world in the palm of their hand. They don't know. They don't know about it. My ambition, of course, some of you may know, is to lead the world's longest conga. And she said, oh, I'll come in that.

I'll come and do that, if you like. Very open for everything. But I say it'd be very, very jolting. I thought you'd need a good sports. Oh. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You'd need a good sports. Oh. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank, can we pop back briefly to Email Corner?

No, soon as said. Email Corner! I think we've arrived. Who was that harmony by if the last one was Chewbacca? Marky Smith, who do you think? Marky Smith, was it? Somebody, I think it was Kim Wilde. Oh, I love that.

Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, whilst considering Christmas gift buying, I cast my mind back to what my fiancé bought me last year, as follows. A whiskey tasting. A copy of Playboy, Christmas edition. Oh, Holly, painful. And some old-fashioned shaving soap, the type that requires a badger hairbrush. A bit retro.

Which I've since added. Not wanting to appear ungrateful for these fine gifts, but I can't help thinking it's almost like she was having an affair with Jean Hunt and got our gift list the wrong way round. Either that or she views me as some sort of 70s throwback. I'm hoping to adopt a 70s theme for her this year. Any ideas? Industrial

action. That's what I associate with the 70s. Also, I've been congratulated. I'm working my way through your back catalogue and I'm currently 12 months behind and I've just heard Emily tipping the Intarsia Christmas jumper for Xmas 2011. I just saw an article about how it's fashionable this year.

Emily's clearly a year ahead. I don't even remember the Intarsia. No, I did talk about it. Churls, Hartman. It was very big last season. It's still big this season. Yeah, it's because of the killings. It's what we call a crossover item.

Is it? Yeah. Is it very good for AW 2011-12? Yeah. If I was going to present my girlfriend with a 70s theme, I think I'd dress as a suede head. Oh, yeah? Oh, would you?

Those are your favourite books, Frank. I feel the suede heads are the... They're the youth culture that has been most neglected. Yeah. It's very overlooked, isn't it? It's always, you know... People talk about teddy boys, goths and all that. You know, mods, rockers, yeah.

But the suede head. And it was a nice... What is a suede head? Is it a skinhead? We call it in London. Well, it was... What happens is the skinheads... The skinheads, they grew...

No, it was post-skinhead. They grew out the skinheads and they'd wear the crombie, but they'd wear it with a nice pair of loafers and some staying press. Oh, yeah. Lovely. What else?

Team Frank. A few months ago, my daughter started compiling a list of my dad's sayings Inevitably this includes a few I've picked up from Frank Including shut up and get out As a fan of Frank's back catalogue I don't know what you mean My own favourite

I'm not sure about this, I don't think I know this As a fan of Frank's back catalogue My own favourite is when I put bananas on our fruit bowl slash tree thingy I always do Frank's little joke about yellow bird high up in banana tree google it or ask frank i'm asking frank now what happened was that i um there's a there's a harry belafonte song that goes yellow bird up high in banana tree and i um had this idea that i would do that on stage so i i went on stage this was i was trying out some stuff and i sang yellow bird up high in banana tree oh no actually it's a banana and it got nothing absolutely. So when I went on Room 101 as a contestant,

when Nick Hancock used to do it, one thing I wanted to put in was jokes that fail. Oh, yeah. And I put this one in. I thought I'd use that one. And when I gave the example, it brought the house down in the studio, and I thought, I've wasted that now.

I could have used that for years in live stand-up. I did... Last week, I celebrated 25 years as a comedian and I told a thing in that which I thought would go really well, didn't go that well, people don't find it. And that was this idea that the biggest, although I've been a comedian for 25 years, TV shows, big tours, number one singles,

the biggest cheer and applause I've ever had is when I dropped my tray in the school dinner hall in 1968. Now, I find that hilarious. Got nothing on the night, it's got nothing now. You were better then, though. I mean, like, that stormed it. Apparently your early stuff was really good. Yeah. That slapstick stuff.

I don't know, it was... It used to be a big thing, though, dropping your train, didn't it? Oh, yeah. The applause. I loved it. And the more you add on... Yes.

Especially if you had the tin cup of water as well on the side. Oh, right. Yes, and when the maid came to clean it up. Oh, yeah, the mate forgot. Oh, you know, I forgot all about the maid. Do a rethink This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

Well hello Apparently people are putting their trees in the garden and according to this article in the Daily Mail they're buying outdoor Christmas trees that light up and putting them in their house. Have you heard about that?

Yes, have I heard about it? I've got one. Oh, you've got one? You've got one? You're so ahead of the curve, aren't you? Of course I am. Always. Always. Always. Always. Fabulous.

Have you got it in or out? In. OK. I've always felt an evergreen. I think there's no place for a tree inside a house. It's not their manner. I think it needs to be for a tree inside a house. It's not their manner. I think it needs to be outside nestling in the mud. It's like having a slug indoors.

Why would you bring a tree into the house? I hate it. But this LED number, oh, it's lovely. The LED number. Oh. You brought it in? Yeah. Right.

It's inside. Lovely. Because one of the joys on this show, I think, is shared is enjoying the Daily Mail comments. And on this story about the expensive trees, well they're about £90 aren't they? People bring them in and some people are putting them out in their garden and a lot

of the comments are saying, that'll last about three minutes round my way. People would nick that in the garden. Mum is about £139. Oh really? I wouldn't get parking that in our road i'm really proud that our road has got a high crime level that makes me look better no it doesn't yeah because i've got like the courage to live here so uh i wouldn't uh i wouldn't leave that outside

that will be there very long because you know i've got the the braveness to live in an area that's very dangerous just so i don't think I've ever sneezed on the show before. Especially not mid one of your riffs, one of your comic riffs. That's alright, I'm happy with it. Bless me. I don't know if it's a comic riff, it's just a point. Don't brag about living in a

rough area. More importantly, a little bit of advice from Frank Skinner there. Join the Neighbourhood Watch and try and tidy things up. Try and speak to the people who are causing trouble and find out what their problems are. Don't just crow about it. All it takes for evil to thrive in society

is for good people to do nothing. Tune in next week on... I have to say, I mean, you do get the occasional house in a road. I can think of, like, three I know where they go absolutely mad on the Christmas lights. Yeah. They've got everything outside all over the front. I call it that bit lotto now.

I know that. Uh-huh. I always, obviously there are several criteria for deciding mental illness. But I have to say that would be one of mine. Mm-hmm. If I took you to a road and there was one house like that that's got like the sleigh outside all lit up and I said to you, in one of these houses

in early 2013 there's going to be a domestic murder, you'd point at that one immediately, wouldn't you? See, my mind changes as soon as I hear it's for charity. There's someone near my mum's house. What's for charity? They do their house right up and they have a little box at the front of the house. That's rubbish.

All the money they spent on those lights, I don't like. It's a bit Wall Street in the 80s. I suppose. No, I'm not. Don't. I like, you know, we've got a big tree. We've got a massive tree. You do well, aren't you? You're on telly all the time. How do you get it up to that penthouse then? We cut the top off our tree

because Kath got a tree so big it was too big for the flat. Oh. Cost me about four grand. I actually don't know what it cost me, but it's three. You didn't even ask, did you? You can't put the fairy on. Just gave him a card.

It's hard against the ceiling. No room for a fairy. A fairy would be... A fairy is. A fairy would be pressed sideways into the... So, no, it just goes into the ceiling. It looks like... And the way it's cut, it looks like it's clasping the ceiling.

You know, when a waiter holds a tray, you see the hand from underneath. It looks like it's holding up the ceiling. It's not how it should be. Frank, we were talking about Christmas trees. I'm obviously very on trend with my outside LED inside. Cockerel, what do you plump for? We've got an artificial one that we'll be putting up today.

Well, it will be put up. Late in the day, Frank. It'll be put up in my absence. Ours has been up two weeks already. Has it really? Me too. Wow. Cath can't wait.

She cannot wait to get the tree up. Well, apparently they're going to leave it for me to put the fairy on top. I never have a fairy. You don't have a fairy. It reminds me of the humiliating death of Edward II. So you may know he was killed with a red-hot poker. Oh. In the seating area.

I see. Yeah, well, I suppose that'll take the edge off your Christmas. Yeah, I'm not happy with that. I mean, the whole Christmas tree topic I have a problem with, to be honest, because as you know... Why? Well, I think my lowest moment, career moment, was when I finally agreed to do an advert and I did the voiceover for the slimline Christmas tree. Oh, yeah.

You didn't? I did. Oh, Frank. 40 minutes worth, 30 grand. No. But even so... Oh, I hate it when you talk about money, Mr... Sorry.

Absolutely ill. Sorry. Sorry, everyone. It's really... Frank, oh, God. But it didn't... No, I gave the money. Never say never.

I gave the money to a popular charity. Did you? Did you? No. No. I thought maybe they might squander it on stuff. Oh, God. Okay.

How quickly do you take the decorations down on the Christmas tree? Always on the sixth. Really? You do that, do you? Yeah. Because I feel a bit, I feel less bothered about taking it down. I'm near enough, once Christmas is done, I could take them down boxing day, I'm not that bothered. I don't have decorations on it. Oh, really?

Stark. Minimalist. Philippe. It's very, I find it too much clutter and I don't like that. Right, yeah. I like it to look like a design piece. Daisy's seen my tree. What did you think, Daisy? Gorgeous. Thank you. Oh, you see. There was that one year when we had a purple

glitter reindeer, and I couldn't bear to take it down. It's still there. It's been there ever since. Is that right? Yes, I love it. Again, it's a cheerful thing. I was given to you by one of your neighbours in the Vauxhall area, wasn't it?

You know what? Coming out of a club one night. Okay. Someone coming out of a frying pan. They were dressed as one as well as a purple glitter. Yeah, coming out of the frying pan. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in from 140 who says,

Four months ago today, I was in labour listening to downloads of your podcast. It was an extremely ambitious attempt to take my mind off things. Just as I got to the dreaded push phase, I heard you talking about meeting the new NCT group and how you dare not tell them how horrific the next few months will be. Your comedy timing is amazing, even in a download.

You got a laugh from a very tough crowd. I may. On my part, I have to say it was mainly due to gas and air, though. I must remember that. Could that be fed into an auditorium? I like that though. You helped bring new life into the world Frank.

No, that's fabulous. See, this is what I'm talking about. Reasons to be cheerful. Yes. We've had another one that's amazing in my opinion. Reason to be cheerful. My wife and I survived the Boxing Day tsunami in 2004. So this time of year is always hard.

However, we now have a three-year-old daughter who is quite possibly the most excited child in the country about Christmas. Steve in Surrey. That's amazing. That's made me feel slightly teary. Me too. I just want to sing. I just want the whole nation to sing something uplifting.

Let's do it. How about Marky Smith? I know it. Cue it up. Young, gifted and black. Everybody. Oh, what a lovely, precious dream. Let's see you singing.

To be young, gifted and black. Open your heart to what... You're not... I don't feel you're enjoying me. Yeah, I've no apology. Anyway, so... I was busy laughing at you. Just trying to end on a... You prefer that, don't you? Just trying to end on an op.

This is our... I said last week this was going to be the last show in 2012. It isn't. It's our last live show, but there's going to be two fabulous greatest hits shows over Christmas and New Year. We're doing that thing of bringing out our greatest hits.

When I said it was going to be the last one, I was putting tremendous faith in the predictions of the Mayan civilisation, who said that the world will end next Friday. I'll be listening to them in a slightly self-obsessed way. A lot of West Brom fans thinking, why couldn't that have been two weeks ago? But anyway, yeah, what are we going to do

if the world ends next Friday? I don't know. Don't know. There'll be a rousing chorus of young, gifted and black around your way, that's for sure. That's really picked me up. I don't care. It's one of those songs.

I don't care who knows it, do you? Yeah, it's lovely. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I think this is likely to be the last link of the year, and pre-Christmas... Don't forget our greatest hit shows. I mean the live one. OK.

But pre-Christmas, what better way to go out than... Are you aware of the story this week where a lad who looked like Jesus was at the darts? Oh, yeah. And apparently 4,000 darts fans spotted that he looked like jesus and started singing stand up if you love jesus to the point where it put off the darts players and he had to be removed by security it was one of my favorites phil the power taylor i love the power i mean that's the level of power he's got that he can get jesus taken out of a room

i did love phil the power taylor but i think he's he's his response to can get Jesus taken out of a room that he's in. I did love Phil the Power Taylor, but I think his response to this Jesus character is a bit... You think it's close to blasphemy? Well, I just think he said, yeah, he said, I'll crucify him if I get old. That's what he said after, because he laughed. I think he was having a little laugh, though, was he?

I don't think... He lost, didn't he? And he was blaming the chanting. Really? Yeah. Phil the Sour Taylorler was he an electrician because that's all the power yeah that's the sort of nickname that somebody who was a sparky would have in it like colin the power someone who was a sparky this has got so male i'm gonna have to opt out no can i just say i i'm a big fan of the darts you know that i used to go to the world championships alley pally and i liked the policy that. You know that. I used to go to the World Championships at Alley Pally,

and I liked the policy that when you bought a pint, you had to buy them in increments of four. Is that right? You couldn't buy any fewer than four, which I thought was genius. The audiences are brilliant. All the signs and all that stuff. And how they cope with the smoking ban.

I mean, can you imagine? Can you imagine? It must have meant the world to them. They go out in groups of four thousand well four and a half thousand nearly five thousand jesus was there but what i don't get is this guy was thrown out because the crowd were chanting that seems wrong like the crowd should have been thrown out and he should have been left to watch the dog why should he hadn't done anything wrong other than look like jesus That would have been slightly freaky for the dance players, though,

if 4,500 people were thrown out and just left with him standing there in the middle of an empty floor looking at them play dance. He said that he was emotionally distraught. But it was upsetting. Apparently, at the crowd, they allowed Barabbas to stay. Oh, no way. Jesus had to go.

People are fickle, aren't they? Biblical joke. How quickly we forget. Is that right? My New Year's resolution is I'm never going to read out another reader's comment, because I think it's become a thing that people do a bit now. However, somebody in the mirror did say, this was a mild incident compared to what happened to the real Jesus.

Which is a fair point. A fair point. If he'd just been thrown out of Jerusalem, then that would have been all right. But, yeah, what if it had been, well, I think the self-lucky wasn't mistaken for Saint Sebastian. Right, what happened to him?

Well, I knew no one would get that, but I'm allowed one Catholic joke for Christmas. Oh, OK. Do I have to Google it? Google. Google image Saint Sebastian and you'll see why you wouldn't want to get that, but I'm allowed one Catholic joke for Christmas. Oh, OK. Do I have to Google it? Google. Google image St. Sebastian, and you'll see why you wouldn't want to be mistaken for him at a darts tournament. There you go, the joke. There's a little joke to take away with you. Yeah, the gift that keeps on giving this Christmas. Catholic homework.

But I saw a picture of the Jesus. I don't think of Jesus. I mean, no one knows what Jesus looks like, but he had a thick beard for Jesus. I didn't think... I don't think of Jesus. I mean, no-one knows what Jesus looks like. But he had a thick beard for Jesus. He was more Palestinian. This one was a bit more Scandi-chic. I think it's a missed opportunity for the new Pope Twitter account. How good would it be if his first tweet had been, like, a link to this story? Yeah.

And everybody had gone, Whoa, he's really computer-savvy. I thought it was just going to be religious stuff. He's gone right into the... Spreading the word. He needs an advisor who's on the shop floor. At Pontifex. The picture of Jesus looked to me

and this is something I haven't seen for many years but it looked to me like he might have had a brushed denim shirt on. Nice. Which I think at a dance tournament in Stoke makes you a kind of a Jeff Banks figure. But I certainly wouldn't have wanted to be involved in casting lots for his clothes, judging by that. But anyway, I think he was treated unjustly all over again.

Fitting at Christmas that we should close on a Jesus story. If the good Lord spares us and the creeaks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week No, we won't We'll be back in 2013 but do listen to the Greatest Hits shows they're absolutely fantastic I can't tell you how good they are

I can't because I haven't heard them and can I just say we wish you all a very very happy Yuletide thingy. And goodbye.