The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Barcelona

Episode Date: March 22, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank's catches up with the team after a week off. They discuss Frank's detailed day dreams, what makes their stomachs turn and Emily'd trip to the theatre.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. You can text the show on 81215, follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can directly email the Absolute Radio website. We've had a tweet already frank a tweet yes this is from ricky butters he says is it just me thanks for the tip you know ricky butters yeah or if all else fails you could always fall back on a career as a james woods look-alike that was to you i should say yes now james woods who i i don't know if people still... No, but thanks for the tip. Really, yes.

I went out with someone for a while back in Birmingham in the old time. And at the end of our relationship, we had an enormous row, you know, the usual. And she said, I only ever went out with you because you looked like James Woods. That was her parting shot. She took away one hand. Because I had no Google in those days. It took me three months to find everyone. Well, you got the pictures late, didn't you, in Birmingham? I haven't heard of him for ages.

Does he still work? Is he still operational? Oh, he's still got it. Would so? He was on the cover of Cigar Aficionado. No. He was. Fair enough.

Is that a fact? Yeah. Oh, dear. That's all right, isn't it? OK. I thought you had strident opinions about the cigar smoker. Yeah, but, you know, I don't think people think I'm like him in his core personality. Right.

He's got that sort of gaunt, big, four-headed, desperate look that I try to carry off. That's what he's got, James. What's up, if you're listening, James? Big fan of Absolute on a Saturday morning, I've heard. He'll be there. I find that a bit unsettling. I find it a bit Harold Wilson. Yeah, it is a bit Harold Wilson.

So, I got a car recently. A car in which I... No, I didn't buy a car. Someone drove me. Oh, oh yeah that's what i meant yeah okay and um when i walked out he said uh the driver said to me um i um i'm supposed to give you a hug and i thought well they've taken a new policy this company they've gone a step i said i'm i'm sorry i'm unclear of your meaning he said well i'm emily's regular driver is my regular oh was it steve driver i call him steve

driver um i didn't ask his name let's face it um steve driver and he said oh yes i drive emily to the show on saturday mornings and he said if i she said if i drive you i should give you a hug but we decided against him sorry to let you down oh i was thinking some breakback mountain thing but you know i said oh she's great and she said oh yeah she's such a laugh and all that he said she's very good on the roots as well he says and i thought surely she does those before she comes out. But he said, what, she's worked out a route from her house to Absolute, which avides all speed bumps, so she can do her make-up in the back of the car. That's 100% right. That is good.

That's really, the Pathfinder. Yeah. That's fantastic. Always putting the effort in, Frank. And I said, you know, because by now, obviously, I'd moved into banter mode. Yeah. I said, well, there's not many men seeing Emily without her makeup. And then I thought, actually, there probably are quite a few.

Yes. I feel like that. There's not many women see me shave. Is that right? And that's deliberate. Because I do a sort of a shaving face. Do you? You sort of have to pull your mouth and that into horrible...

I know the position, yeah. Can I demonstrate? Yeah. Like that. Like you're on a webcam somewhere. I think if anyone saw that, it might cause some sort of fissure in our relationship. I'm glad you saw Steve Friver, though.

He seems a very nice chap. He is, and you know what I admire him for? His discretion. Well, I don't know he told me that. Until he fessed up about your speed bump. Hold on, you ever waited to wait for the other know he told me that until they fessed up about your stuff you ever waited to wait for the other stuff he told me about absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio i tell you what i i missed the show last week oh we missed you mean you didn't listen i did i didn't listen i was away emily was in the chair as our regulars will know

That's something of a relief, Al He doesn't know yet I haven't been caught urinating in public That's what happened last time I went into the cell Yeah, but you don't know what we did, Frank I can't remember what we did I'll tell you what we did Did we do something bad?

I think Big Daddy's going to be awfully mad, Mr. Ellen. I might have instigated a bit of a selfie war with Joan Collins, I'm afraid. Oh, I forgot about that. I think I deleted that from my mind. Well, you know that Ellen took that selfie for the Oscars, 3.2 million retweets. Joan Collins did one, 341 retweets of her and who are the other people in it, Al? Pixie Lott and Sir Ben Kingsley. Okay. So I decided to do one of us just out of curiosity to see how many it would get.

I'm afraid we had a coloured photocopy of you held up. It was all curling at the edges. I'm happy with that. Okay. Especially if it was a little bit too red. Yeah. I like that sort of you held up. It was all curling at the edges. I'm happy with that. Okay. Especially if it was a little bit too red. Yeah. I like that sort of singing detective look. We got 676 retweets, though.

That is more than Sir Ben Kingsley. Yeah. After what he's done for this country. And India. Yeah, he did a lot for India, didn't he? This show is somewhere between uh as you pointed out al and degenerates and joan collins then yeah we can reveal oh that's good to know okay yeah we'll keep working trying to finalize that position where we are on that scale

that spectrum that degenerates uh collins a bit of stubble though i am scratching a bit of scabble listen everyone yeah yeah oh i've got me whiskers uh don't worry about that i'm not a bit of scabble. Listen, everyone. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I've got me whiskers. Don't worry about that. I'm not some sort of eunuch. I'm not eunuch pal. That's what you mean. We don't often cross-promote on this show, but we've had a text from 546 saying,

I was in the pub last night when I got a distressing text from my mate John saying, Frank Skinner on last leg. I'm glad to hear you on the radio this morning. I should point out the Last Leg is a television programme. Do you see? What? Yes,

last week I was on holiday. I went away for a weekend with a lot of adults and children is what I went away with. And at one point in the holiday, it fell through. The company we were going away with dissolved. Oh.

No. Yeah. To be fair, they were made of ice. Yeah. You know those ice companies that are so popular? An ice break. Yeah. And, no, it sort of disappeared, the company.

And so I thought, oh, we're not going away after all. So I phoned Daisy. Oh, yeah. The producer of the show. And I said, guess what? I'm not. It was the fifth anniversary of our show, fifth anniversary of our time.

I said, guess what? I'm not going away after all. Oh, what did she say? So I can do the show. What did she say? And she said, oh, all. Oh, what did she say? So I can do the show. What did she say? And she said, oh, well. Oh, no. Thing is, everyone's in place now.

Is that what she said? She said, can you imagine how I felt? My fifth anniversary show. She said, everyone's in place now. Everyone's in place. I said, oh, well, I just thought, you know, it might be good if... And she said, well, it's up to you. Oh, can you imagine it?

The thing is, when she took that call, we were all in place. We were right here, ready to- Well, I felt- I can't tell you how I felt. Oh, right. We can't tell you how we- I cried. And I'd seen Eight Magpies the day before. Did you start it out then? Did you say, oh, yeah, well, I didn't want to do it anyway.

Hang on, you saw 8 Magpies? Oh yeah, I saw 8 Magpies in a train. Is that a show in the West End? You know, I salute if I see one Magpie. I've mentioned this before, I always, always salute. Yeah. Right. And I have that dilemma. Actually, if anyone knows about this, I'd love to know. If there's any people who are sort uh connoisseurs of superstition what what

often happens to me is i see one magpie salute and then another one comes and i thought well i've diluted the one for sorrow but have i also diluted do i not get the two for joy thing now because i've saluted is that broken the spell anyway i saw eight magpies in a tree and um i had to go against my better judgement and Google to work out what that signified. More soon. Absolute

Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So I had to Google eight magpies. It's a wish. Is it? So, I had to Google eight magpies. Oh, yeah? It's a wish. Is it? Oh, that's rubbish, isn't it?

Well, no, it's great. If you know at the time, you can have a wish, but obviously you can't wish retrospectively on these creatures. Well, how long did your Google take, surely? Well, I didn't want a smartphone in the street. You know, I frown on it. All right. You know those people that just walk along

thinking everyone else has to get out of the way for them? I know, I'm one of them. Oh, OK. Of course, the joy of having a wish is that you can just do it. You don't even need to see 8 Magpies. I could have one now if I wanted. Go on, then. I've just done one.

You don't want to know. Oh. The good news is I was very careful what I wished for. So that's what they say, innit? Yeah, you have to be careful about that. Otherwise, if you get what you wish for, it might be something that's not actually good for you.

That's right, yeah. That's the theory behind it. I was saying that quite carefully because people might listen... You're both drunk. You both sound absolutely plastered. But come on, hold it. That's exactly what it sounds like. Hold it. Hold it.

When you wish, what I'm saying... When you wish. Anyway, listen... Sober up. I went away for the weekend. Oh, how was it? And it was lovely, lovely actually so you got a new place we got a new place we were we were helped out by the kindness of others um uh bars my my

son had the best time and he one problem he's really really got into um seesawing oh lovely the trouble is with seesawing is you don't want to be the only child who likes it yeah you don't want chris biggins the other end either well there's nobody you couldn't really put anyone the other end other than a child so there's a lot of him sitting on one end of the of the that's not true frank me during fashion week you could put me yeah but you know you weren't there yeah but yeah so um it's like, it's why I've never really got into board games, because you have to have someone else all play with you. Yeah.

You don't want to sit there looking at a laid out Cluedo. True. Yeah. And guess who? Oh, just sit in there while it's open and somebody phones. Someone will come along to play. Yeah, and you've got it. That's awful. So yeah come along to play. It's awful.

So, yeah, it was lovely, though. I like being with a gang, because I'm never really with a gang. I'm quite lonely, it's the truth. Lonely. You all right? You've just been away with a load of people. I know. It's when I come back that I really felt it. How was the gang? Were they OK?

You didn't do any of the... It wasn't the ones I had a difficult time with. was gonna say no he can't see them any of the previous trip antics did you like i must spend more time with normal people or whatever physically ill when you tell me that story i didn't say that i'm afraid we don't cook that sort of stuff you know now that was a different group this group i it's nice. We did things like have a quiz. Oh yeah, did you write it? Oh, I feel a bit stressed at the thought of you having a quiz because you are quite competitive

Frank. Well I did 15 to 1 this week speaking of quizzes. Excellent. At least I knew what my chances of winning were from the off. Is it still William G Stewart? No, no, no. Right. You know, this is the modern world. It was Adam

Hills. Oh, lovely. Oh, he's good. Yes. And I was, there was 15 of us, obviously. Question or nominate? Well, it was, I can't say what happened. I can tell you a few. I was next to Hilary DeVay.

Oh. And she kept saying to me, I mean, who could know these? They're obscure, so obscure, these questions. They're the sort of questions, you know them or you don't. I thought, well, that's a fair point, fair point. There's one point, they asked a question about, it was some TV programme, and she turned to me, again quite loud, and said, it's no good asking me about television, because when the television was on, I was working in me dad's pub. I wanted to say, it's still on. Do you know it's still on?

We're on it. This is... We're on it now. This is television. But she seemed to think the television that something happened in 1968. Once. Yeah. That night, that night television was on. I was in the dad's pub, missed it.

I weren't there for that three hours. Frank, do you still... Can you tell me a bit with the format? Because they used to... Your third light would go off. No spoiler used to... Your third light would go off. No spoiler alerts, but the third light would go off and then you'd have to sit there in the dark. You have to stand there now in the dark.

Do you stand? Yeah, sit people. I could give you a seat. I can't tell any names. No, I know. But a well-known politician stood in the dark for, I would say, 17 minutes. Oh.

Just stood in the dark. It was like the opening of the third man oh yeah i'll come back to this skinner dean and cochran together the frank skinner show absolute radio yes so there was a bit where um this is 15 to 1. Yes. Again, I can't say what happened on it, you know, but I will tell you that there was a question that for some camera angle reason, Adam Hills had to do twice. So he asked the question.

And, you know, you see, one thing about quizzes, you learn. That's one of the good things about it. Oh, yeah. So he asked a question about the head of the Olympic committee or something of that nature and the person didn't

know it and he told them the answer and then they said can you do that again so he did it again and I still didn't know the answer now that's not good is it I've often thought if I watch Mastermind again the next night, would I get all the specialist questions?

But I wouldn't. I watched it once, and it was about the Aztecs. Oh, yeah. And I thought, I think if I guess every one of these, I'll get one. So it said, which king ruled Aztec empire from 11 and i would say make a harhoo and uh what what was the name of the ancient city and i'd go meg lep and just just do that and i thought i bet if i get one i'd be such a thrill but uh no joy didn't work out no joy was No. Oh, I look forward to watching that 15 to 1.

You should try that. I would encourage anyone, when you're watching a Mastermind, have a crack at the... Yeah. Yeah. Just have a guess. You know, if it's something about the Enigma code... You can do it with the Turkish language, to be honest.

Can you? Sorry, what were you saying about the Enigma code? Well, you know, you can say, which scientist? You can just say, you know, Brian Ells. And wouldn't it be great if you got one? Yeah, because Charles Babbage sounds made up. Yes. Yeah.

Doesn't he? Yeah, who's that? He invented the computer. Oh. OK, well, I'm going to get one of them. Sorry, sorry, it's technology-based. I'm going to get one. What, a computer?

Yeah, do it. Don't they get hot? I seem to remember they get hot. They do get hot. They do get hot. We, a computer? Yeah, do it. Don't they get hot? I seem to remember they get hot. They do get hot. That's been a rare one. Tell you what. We had one at a factory I worked at. That had been a frozen room.

Do you know what? Frank, they take a long time to warm up as well. But they're very useful. Who do? Finding out. The computers. Oh. What do you do in the eventuality that you see eight magpies?

That's the best use for a computer these days. Yeah. It is. So, Frank, you were spotted this week. OK. By Ian from Gravesend. OK. I missed you the other week, Frank.

I think he's referring to last week's show. Saw you walking the street. Sounds a bit... Yes. And thought what I could do to get your attention that wasn't shouting, Frank, you legend. So I threw a bit of gravel at you. Not to hurt you, but it's the best I could think of

that didn't involve my shoe. Anyway, it missed you, and you didn't ever find out I existed, or that I'm funny, so I thought I would inform you. Yes, now, Alan and Emily asked me earlier why I was wearing an eye patch. No, no, I missed the gravel completely. But I'm happy for people to come and say hello

rather than throw road surface at me. Probably a good rule. Yeah, that's going to go. Have you ever done that when you go around someone's house like they do in the films and throw stones at the window to get them up? Not since I was dating Saddam Hussein. Now then you would throw a shoe. A flip-flop, I threw, yeah.

No, I haven't done that. Is that... When the statue come down, that man hit it with a flip-flop. Oh, I love that. A disrespectful. It's good. Did you not think that was right? I know he was a curate's egg, Saddam Hussein,

but, you know, don't take it out on art. Is that your take on Saddam, that he was a curate's egg? He was a curate's egg, Saddam Hussein. But, you know, don't take it out on art. Is that your take on Saddam, that he was a curate's egg? He was a curate's egg. You know what? Me and my friends have adopted that. If you're angry with a man, you just get a photo of him and bash it with your Jimmy Choo. We actually do that.

And does that work? Does that make it feel better? Yeah, it does. Oh, good. Jimmy Choo, he was lucky to miss the rhyming slang train, wasn't he? What could I do with it? I'd do the Jimmy Choo, he was lucky to miss the rhyming slang train, wasn't he? What could I do with it? Do the Jimmy Choo. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've got a text in there I'd like to read. Morning, Frank. Comedy Northern bloke and the divine one. I'm not sure I'm happy with my handle there. That's alright, isn't it? Very happy with mine.

It's got comedy in it. I'll take it. The Divine One is the winner, isn't it? Fashion and sport question. I'm taking my son, Five, to his first match to see... Some of the names they give him now. Named after the boy band. Or he's got

four children already and he's just gone, Oh, like Charlie Chan at Number One Son. Call him Five. Yeah. I think you should have done the Ian McMillan voice there, didn't you? Yeah, I mean, that's how he used to, oh, yeah. There were different times. We didn't know, you see. Anyway.

I might start calling Buzz Number One Son. That's a good idea. I'm taking my son, Five, to his first match to see the Mighty Blades crush wolves, who will be resplendent in footy kit, scarf, hat, etc. I, at 46, will be in smart, non-badged casual. Does the team think that there should be a new rule which men past a certain age, which men past a certain age from wearing, ban men from wearing replica sports kit this is why it's not on the news

no no there's a word missing in the text it ain't my bad I'm just doing my best with what I've got here you have to amend as you go that's how it works also Trevor Macdonald never says ain't my bad although he should but he did get an item for reading out loud Miss M please feel free

to feel nauseous John 106 from Sunny Cultural Sheffield So there Well, I think he's correct I like to wear a scarf Just a scarf Not just a scarf What did he ask? I can't remember

Like when you're wearing your pyjamas off If I went to the Qatar World Cup I might wear just a scarf It's going to be's gonna be steamy out there oh i'm gonna wear hot pants to that i'm just gonna wear a rainbow scarf to that i might wear it i might wear really high cut denim cutoffs oh my god like daisy duke oh my god i'm not sure that the texter in wanted what we were going to wear to the Qatar World Cup. No. No, but they're getting it. That's what he's getting.

Mine, just for the record- I mean, to be honest, I don't plan that far ahead. Ricky laughs You don't. You just don't. Hot pants, but then a fleece up top just to confuse the men. Mm-hmm. Oh, I might wear a gil.

Oh, yeah. A gilet. A gilet, yeah. Tim Sherwood style. Body warmer, old school. Um, what was- anyway- No, I- I take his point. I do. I mean, you do see lots of people.

I mean, the thing is with football shirts, they are designed for professional athletes. Yeah. Exactly, Frank. Somewhat unforgiving on the immortal. And I really, it's not so much that, because, you know, most people look terrible anyway. But I like a scarf.

I do like to wear a scarf at a game. And the replica shirt has replaced the scarf. You're sort of a Mancini kind of fan, aren't you? He wears one, doesn't he? Even though he's got the job. Yeah. Takes a trip to the club shop when he first starts. I've always worn a scarf, though.

Do you know what I mean? People didn't wear replica shirts when I started going. You had one knitted by your mum, one of those, didn't you? Yeah, exactly. I love that. Exactly. So, I think... You wore a replica kit a lot during the 90s with D. Baddiel.

Yeah, but I wore it professionally. You did. But I think... I remember seeing a crowd shop at the 66 World Cup final. There was people with big rosettes and stuff like that. And then there was a guy there who was just like, you know, a 60s groovy guy in a map and a little thin tie. And I thought, yeah, that's the way.

That's the way to get to the World Cup final. Cool. No, not a hit, no badge, nothing. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm with Dad on this one. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We're going to start

a sort of underground campaign to stop people wearing colours at games. You just go just normally. Go in your normal clothes. It would be good for pubs as well. I'd like to go. I'd go full length ball gown like Young Musician of the Year.

That's how I go to any Huddersfield Town game. I always go in that. And also you'd be defying sponsorship because the sponsor's on the shirts. You'd be fighting commercialism in football because they're selling other shirts at high prices. This is it. And I think you'd be making a statement that the surface supporting of a team,

what's on the outside is all about the players. The one on the inside often just think about themselves, but with the football fans, the team colours are on the inside. They don't need to wear them on the outside. It's really... It's nearly a rant. And I hate a rant. Frank doesn't like rants.

No. However, the reader, John... I like Esther Ranson, in case there's any misunderstanding about that. No, I don't. Oh. I remember when I went to do work experience and she was rude to me. Oh. What did she say, Daisy?

She said, I can't just look nice and know people. You can't just look nice and know people. You can't walk in here looking beautiful and just knowing people. I see you've opted to beautiful. I could see the terror in your face when Daisy had reduced it to nice. Top down grade me.

Daisy's amends were awful. The chap here that has texted in has said feel free to feel nauseous, Emily. And that's stumbled upon something that's happened in my life quite a few times. You've felt nauseous? No, recently... I feel nauseous.

I've had a few people say, oh my God, that makes me feel sick about things recently. My manager was talking to me, he was boasting about how he's got a new money clip. I mean, what... Sounds to me like he's not busy enough. What was the nature of the money clip? Sounds to me like he's doing alright for. What was the nature of the money clip? Sounds to me like he's doing all right for himself.

He puts his money and his credit card and maybe a few receipts into a clip and he said, I just have the coins in my pockets. It's a bit Kanye, that. And I said, oh, I've just got a wallet. And he went, oh, the thing I hate about a wallet is the unnecessary fold. Started talking about the unnecessary fold because they've become all big. That's what I hate about getting older. I can't...

Honestly, I went, oh, what, like on my wallet? And I got my wallet on it and went, oh, my God, that makes me feel sick. You said it makes me feel sick? It's not that bad. It's just a normal... What made you... Yeah, but yours... If I remember rightly, it's gross.

Actually, it's disgusting. Oh, no, it makes me feel sick. I didn't know it was made out of human skin. I think it's just so much human skin to go around. I feel like we should use some of it. Do you know what? You can go very off-piste with small leather goods. Yeah.

Yes. I'm always saying that to my friends in the S&M community. No, there is too much in your wallet. There is at the moment. Too much? I've got too many receipts in there and too many coins. It's an envelope. I thought it was from a brown envelope.

There is, yeah. You've got a brown envelope in your wallet. I think I might have put that in because I thought... But an envelope is a wallet. That's true. That is true. It's so bulging. I'd use that as a footrest.

That's a puff you've got there. Wherever you put that on your purse then it's going to be unsightly. It's too much. I saw my mate after he'd gone ashore the other day and he came into a bar in jogging bottoms. I mean, that turned my stomach. Wandering about in a theatre bar in a pair of grey

jogging bottoms. I'm alright with that. The head of Absolute Radio did that once. He still denies it. He came in here once in jogging bottoms. I'm alright with that. The head of Absolute Radio did that once. He still denies it. He came in here once in jogging bottoms. I hate on the wallet front. I can't cope nowadays with a wallet in a back pocket. Male or female, I want to see that. Even if, you know, a fat

bloke, I still want to see the curvature of the buttock. And the worst thing is Why? Why do you want to see it? I just do. And when people are habitual wallet wearers in the back pocket, they get, like, a shape in the back pocket. Oh, I don't like that at all. It might have taken a corner of the pocket out with its sharp wallet-ness.

No. I hate that. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio nowadays with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15. Love it if you did.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Up to you. Or you can email the Absolute Radio website direct. I've got a bit Cheltenham FM. That's alright, isn't it? They are texting in, but mainly about whether or not it's appropriate

to wear football shirts after a certain age. But that's an interesting point. And we seem to have started a text as where do you keep your wallet? What's your wallet like? It's a pickpockets guide yeah we've had an email from alex meads saying uh hi frank and gang i'm a back pocket wallet kind of guy just had a thought it would appease would it appease frank if i had two with even

distribution between the two one the right pocket for cash and in the left for sundries brown envelopes, etc. A clip is just too camp and where would you put your stamps? I'm not backing the clip. I just think that the human... There's a reason that the human bottom is curved the way it is. It's so that, you know, it has... Even the ones we might think have got out of control still look pretty good.

You know, like the mandrill. you know the mandrill ape yeah his face looks like he's behind so that uh he's always attractive back in front i just think i notice it i think it's morris today it looks it looks wrong in a back pocket yeah i used to do it myself i mean i'm like john like John McVicar now. You know, I had a life of crime, and now I've become a sociologist. But I just think it doesn't look great. I see people with the back phone, and I see attractive women, back phone in the pocket.

Oh, no. And you're spoiling everything. What about iPhone in the front pocket? I don't mind that. Obviously, it makes you infertile. But, hey, you know, if you're going to make an omelette, actually you probably would make an omelette if you did that regularly. 771, but Frank, think of the poor trainee pickpockets. If people didn't carry wallets in their back pockets, where would they start?

Well, do they go for back? Because I'd have thought that it's quite hard to get one out of a back pocket. I suppose if you've been sitting down, that's another danger. Sitting down a long time, and you've had a bit of numbness, someone could just come and take the wallet straight out and you wouldn't know a damn thing. Yeah. What about having one on wheels?

That's the modern thing now, isn't it? Just have one dragged behind you. Not a wallet. A massive wallet on wheels. Perhaps people can't carry anything anymore. OK. Lyndon Hughes has also checked it out. Lyndon Hughes used to play midfield for West Bromwich Albion.

Well, he says, Frank, on the subject of shirts, I was at the theatre last week and a lady in her 50s was wearing a replica shirt. This was wrong on so many levels. One, she was over 50. I thought he was going to say so many levels. The upper circle.

Stolf. Two, it was an XXXXL size. Wow. Three, it was a Chelsea shirt with Torres on it. Four, it was in Liverpool. Oh, dear. Blimey, I'd like to know what they'd gone to see. Well, so would I. Lyndon texted him.

Yeah, Lyndon do. She'd kept that Torres shirt, maybe. Maybe. Couldn't be bothered to buy a new one. I was once in my local bank and somebody was having an interview with the bank manager in a Man City shirt and I just thought I'm not sure that's appropriate.

Yeah, what was it? I saw someone pull up at the job centre in a black cab. I respected that person. I saw someone pull up at the supplementary benefit sign in our place in a coal wagon. And he came in...

Was this 1902? No, this was when I was signing on in the 70s. He came in, I mean, as black as... Black with dust, with coal dust. Clearly working. Couldn't be more clearly working. Left a big sotty paw print on his signing on thing and then went. Oh dear. I don't know what's happened to this country. It's nowhere near as funny as it used to be.

Oh, anyway. But the fundamental point is the jury's out on the football shirts, but I agree. I think that does make people feel sick. Yeah, while it's football. The trouble is, I'm struggling now to tell people things like that because it's so easy, isn't it?

You know, you think of yourself as straight-talking. People get hurt. I've got a terrible example I'll share with you. I've got a terrible example I'll share with you. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Well, are you going to tell us about you recently insulted someone? I don't think I can bear it. Well, I don't think I did insult them, but they took it surprisingly badly.

I feel ill already. This is my second Daisy anecdote of the day. Oh, no. Daisy's working with me on another radio show at the moment. BBC Radio 4. If anyone's just flicking through the channels, I think, oh, that was BBC Radio 4.

We've lost, what, one person? Yeah. We've gained a few. Exactly. So, I'm doing a... I've mentioned this before, I'm doing a few. Yeah. Exactly. So I'm doing a... I've mentioned this before. I'm doing a history radio show. So...

You did mention that in the past. Oh. Perfect. I'm sorry. I think there's a problem with my microphone. With the foxy historian. With an A historian. Everlast. with a historian at the last

so Daisy was talking, everyone was talking about history, because when you're with a historian you talk about history and Daisy said well actually I went to school and one of the teachers was related to Florence Nightingale and we said oh ok

and she said oh okay and she said yeah no it might have just been you know she might have been she might have been making it up I suppose or it might have been a myth I said it's odd because I'm thinking I was thinking that you're making it up in order to

join in with the history conversation in some way what was wrong with you? No, but it was... It wasn't... I wouldn't say it was a joke, but it was a sort of an experiment. I wouldn't say it was a joke either. No, it was a sort of an experiment, I suppose, in fact. God, an experiment on people like this.

And I thought it was nothing compared to everyone's in place now. In the late time of terrible things to someone you work with. But... Where does it come in terms of, I don't think you've ever lied to me before, but now I think you have, which I believe you said to me once. But Daisy went a bit, she went slightly scary. Did she? What did she do?

Do you know that, I remember there used to be girls at school who walked around, but with their arms folded while they were walking. Do you remember those girls? Yeah. I was that girl. Yeah, they look a bit scary. And she went a bit hand on hip and angular. And she said, I should walk out of here right now.

Wow. And she said, out of. She said, out of here right now. Wow. And she said, out of. She said, out of, instead of... She said, I should walk out of here right now. Oh, yeah. Bit London. Yeah, it was very... It was like Bronwell High,

if you remember that animated series that I don't know if it was ever broadcast. But anyway, yeah, it was. It was very, like, you know, baseball bat turn, baseball cap turn around ever broadcast. But anyway, yeah, it was. It was very, like, you know, baseball bat turn, baseball cap turn around the wrong way. Oh, yeah? I backed off, I'll be honest with you.

Did you? Did she get all beef in your face? She just, well, she was standing in a doorway, so she was silhouetted. Oh, no. I should walk out of here, out of here right now. Oh, but I'm, it's very urban. It's too urban for me.

I'm not saying I don't do urban, but I don't do it to that extent. No. Wow. Good to have a rule. I think you've got your just desserts. You know what I'm saying? I think it was deserved.

And then I was leaving a London, a private club in London. This isn't another Daisy story. You've got men's nighters with her. It's not Daisy. And I opened the door for a woman and she just walked through. So I stood and I just stared at her in the face. And she said, yes. And I said, I was waiting for you to say thank you.

You did not say that. Yeah. Good. And she said, I've got a headache. Not the first time you've heard that that week. Yeah. Good. And she said, I've got a headache. Not the first time you'd heard that that week. Yeah. Did you say, I wasn't thinking things were going to go that far. I was just opening the door for you.

Again, I backed off. I'm losing my nerve in social confrontations. No, I think that's one of the things that makes me sick when you hold the door open for someone and they don't say thank you. Sick rather than fed up.

Fed up to the back teeth. Furious and sick. Yeah, incandescent. I just think it's so easy. Yeah, but it's not as bad as a gene hanging over a shoe and making contact with the earth. I worked with somebody the other night, had a button-down collar shirt

and they'd left the buttons undone on the collar. Oh. Oh. Oh. Come on. I just don't like a button down collar shirt. What? It's a bit, they think it's all over. Do you think? Yeah. I don't like pretty much any man

in a sock other than Frank Skinner. In a sock? Yeah. I don't like men in socks. It's just a bit creepy. What do you mean? I don't like a bare sock. I like them to have bare feet or shoes. I don't like socks. Only Frank. He looks quite cute in socks. It's just a bit creepy. What do you mean? I don't like a bare sock. I like them to have bare feet or shoes. I don't like socks. Only Frank. He looks quite cute in them. What, to talk about it? Yeah.

Do you mean with shoes? They can have shoes. I don't like socks on their own. So if I kicked off my desert boots and started padding around this studio, you'd feel a bit sick. I'd vomit. I like it. I think it's... Yeah, but you're allowed. I've given you a pass. How can I bun it? Cozy.

One of my things as well is if people say, well, it's like everything, isn't it? I'll always pick up something like a biro and say, well, is it like that? It's a stranger. I mean, people I barely know. Oh, I am a bit... As someone once said in a text of this show,

I am a bit of a git. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Am I right in thinking we're going to sashay onto Email Corner? Oh! Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold. Oh, a little bit of a blip.

Email Corner. I like that. It's like it's had a remix. Bit worried about that. Email corner. It's when I used to go to nightclubs and a record jumped and the DJ would occasionally go, it's had a remix. I always liked it to have a remix.

I like the one who asks questions of the lyrics. Oh, yeah. I was like, what day is it? Friday night and the lights are low. Where are we off to? Oh, what are these nut clubs you went to? That's what they were like in the 70s, I'm afraid. The ones Frank goes to now are different.

He's part of the community. Yeah. Emails. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I don't know about you, but I love a good world record. This week, the record was broken for smashing walnuts by head-butting them. Oh, wow.

155 in one minute. Wow! That is a lot. That's a lot, isn't it? One minute? That's brilliant. I mean, I don't even think I could do 55 in one minute. Do they do one at a time, or do they... I could, I don't even think I could do 55 in one minute. Do they do one at a time, or do they...

I could do about 13. You think you could do 13 in one minute? Yeah, yeah. I don't think I could do one if I tried for a night. Not with a headbutt. No. Well, I can't... You see, what I'd like to be able to do is to break a walnut

without breaking the knot. Oh. Have you ever done that? Oh, yeah. Oh, when it comes out completely clean. I love that. It has happened. It's never happened to me.

But you get the top come off, and the walnut looks like it's in the bath. You know, it looks like it's in a bath with a bit of a film, a bit of a nasty brown film on the top of the bath. Oh, yeah, when it's the butterfly shape. I love the butterfly shape. Yeah, and...

Nice. But I find it impossible to get it without the... It's quite messy. There's collateral damage, there's no doubt, with the walnut. It's difficult, but imagine if you're headbutting it. I mean, the scope for delicacy. Apparently, after he did that, the guy went out for a night out and he went to watch The Nutcracker.

He didn't, he had a headache. This got me thinking about aspirations. I know a lot of people would like to hold a world record or win a medal, but my life's ambition is to be a bit part actress on a crime programme as a corpse or to be the lady a magician saws in half. Do you have anything you would love to do? I'll tell you what, I'd like to speak to a psychiatrist

about those ambitions. Do you think? I don't think it's that difficult she just likes to lie down this woman she wants to play a corpse or be a sword in half in half or be a corpse terrible dark yearning one of my parents friends was on a crime program because that's what you happen that's what happens when you get i thought all of your parents were on crime programmes, weren't they? No, he played security guard in Crime Watch. Nice. And there was a theft of a painting, and he went, Oi, what are you doing?

But he sounded a little bit too rauder to be a security guard. Oh, right. My grandad hangs somebody in a pub in Newcastle. Terrible story. Yeah, he did. He threatened to hang this bloke, and the bloke suggested he was bluffing. Sure you want to reveal this on national radio? He got a rope over a beam

It's a terrible story The bloke didn't die How reassuring for his family In the end my grandfather was restrained Seems to be something of a theme in your family What, hanging? Oh, in the end they were restrained On a good night That's your crest in your family. What, hanging? Oh, in the end they were restrained.

On a good night. That's your crest. I can't remember where that came from. That came from our life's ambitions. Oh yes. Yes, I'd like to have someone in a Newcastle public house. What's our ambitions? Is that the... Yeah. I know, it's just, is there anything

that you'd love to do that you haven't done yet? You've met them all, Frank, really. I actually think It's just, is there anything that you'd love to do that you haven't done yet? You've met them all, Frank, really. I actually think, you know, I probably know a magician or two that saw people in half. We could make this dream come true, couldn't we? Yeah. I'd like to. If we really worked hard for it. I'll tell you what I'd like to be able to do.

I'd like to do one of those big whistles. You know when people put two fingers in their mouth? Oh, yeah. I can do that. There's normally different reasons in my case. Yeah. But I don't mean to make yourself sick. I mean, you know when...

You know when people see a cab and they go... Oh, yeah. I can't do it. Yeah, I can do that. You can do it. I'd like to know how to do it without the fingers, though. He said he can do it, but he hasn't done it. You'd better not do it straight into the microphone.

It'll ruin the whole thing. Or there'll be dogs throwing themselves at people's French windows. Oh, yeah. Go on. Oh, that was lovely. Stop at it. It was a little bit reedy. I felt a freeze snow

in my stomach. I felt it was more reed than brass. That's what I felt. But I liked it. All of it. Come back to that. I loved it.

I'll see Emily try this in a minute. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We've just had a text. Hi all, I salute magpies too, but once saw 27 magpies on my school football pitch and didn't know what to do. What do 27 magpies mean? I think it only goes up to 10.

What, there's a rule? Yeah, I think the song only goes up to 10. Oh, is it based on a song? What, what, yeah. I don't, I don't know, I don't know the song. I've not heard it. One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, three for girl, four for boy,

five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret love to be told, eight to wish, nine to kiss, ten is a bird you must not miss. That's the first time I've ever heard that in my life. Anyone wants to download that for a ringtone, it's there, nothing. It's all yours. It's the gift that keeps on giving. Yes. Well, there was that doll I was bought at the time carry on

dear frank the wonderful emily and lecoq um listening to frank discussing the demise of daydreaming due to smartphones i thought i'd share with you a daydream i've been having consistently for the last 14 years wow i'm now 31 oh why i'll see and uh this serial daydream all started at 17 when i broke through at portsmouth i'd already worked there i just i did the math yeah and became a key player in the first team at portsmouth yes it's a hell of a daydream my start small yeah my pro footballer daydream may not sound unusual, but the level of intricate detail and longevity surprises even me. Having moved from Portsmouth to Arsenal in 2001

and had several good seasons at the Gunners, I roomed with Sylvain Wiltord. Oh. Aim high. Yeah. I'm like, they didn't go for Thierry, are they? No, no, Sylvain Wiltord, you know. We have discussions about being on the brink.

On many away trips, intense chap, I now find myself in the final 18 months of my contract with Barcelona. That's a coincidence, because in my daydream, I think I've mentioned before, I had quite a long spell at Barca. I was written off by West Bromwich Albion when I was about 35.

And Barca came in and I went over there. I spoke fluent Catalan. Nice. We got the crowd on my side. And, no, this is absolutely true in my... Well, not true, but it's in my daydream. I played for Barca and I'm now... Even I had to...

I played at the top level till I was 53 and and I came back I remember I was on the tube I was on the tube the day I came back as manager and was shown to the crowd I nearly missed my stop, it was very emotional but I'm not making it up

now, absolutely, detailed and now, when it most when I go to the toilet now I'm not making it up now, absolutely. Detailed. And now, when I go to the toilet now, I'm usually doing pre- and post-match interviews as the manager of Barcelona. Oh, yeah. They're all right. They're fine with it. What, your family having to listen to you? No, the 78 journalists I have in the lavatory with me.

You know, what you don't want is like 50 microphones in your face when you're on the toilet. Oh. But I suppose if they're going to be anywhere, they'd best be in your face. Yeah. Yes.

Anyway, I often idle away an hour or two deciding on what to do when my deal expires. I'm thinking the Middle East or the US for one final payday. Well, I tell you, I went to Japan after the World Cup do when my deal expires i'm thinking the middle east or the us for one final payday well i tell you i um i went to japan after the world cup and disappeared for about three months and there was like a big um media hunt to find me this is in the day this is the post the daydreams i what happened is the manager the manager the england manager was involved in a scandal and last minute

i had to play player manage england through the tournament i got four involved in the scandal and last minute I had to player manage England through the tournament. I got four goals in the final. Four, just the four? Unzipping the top like Glenn Hoddle. You know when they come on and it's all dramatic, the player manager. Yeah. But what finished me off was the Champions League game at Barca and I missed the penalty in a penalty shoot at the post.

There's a fantastic photo of me just standing, looking at the ball where it's rebounded. The amount of effort that's gone into it. You could have written three lines five times over. I know. It is incredible. But I loved A3, man. Look, let me put it this way.

If we were sitting in there with Gary Lineker and he was recounting his career with Barcelona or whatever, would it be... What's the difference within his memories and mine? Well, he's happened. Yeah. He's not a liar. No, but now...

Yeah. Now, they're the same thing. Now, they're just words. They're just word pictures. Is this a philosophy question? Yeah. I don't see... And I don't see that my career with Barcelona

is inferior in any way to Gary Limerick's. We'll ask you both to play football and then we'll be the judge of that. No, no, when he was playing, fair enough. But now, it's all just stories. Anyway. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in from Peter McEldowney.

Did you finish the last email? Oh yeah, I'm so sorry. In conclusion. I'm so sorry. Okay. He says, this is, we should say... Come to all that trouble of a detailed daydream about his career at Barca. This is from Ben from Surrey, we should say, and he's 31.

So, he continues. San Jose earthquakes have made inquiries. I say San Jose, you might say Jose. I don't know. Well, that's one of the great mysteries, is why Jose Mourinho is Jose and not Jose. He's changed my whole perception. My axis has shifted.

We've spent years, you know, learning to do these foreign footballers and football people's names. I like Nigel Farage. No, it's true, though, isn't it? These foreign footballers. No, but do you know what I mean? In the early days, when I remember Jimmy Hill talking about Eric Cantona. And, you know, it wouldn't have been Terry Henry, wouldn't it, in the old days?

Yeah. And then we've all made an effort. Yeah. We do all this. It would have been Terry Henry, wouldn't it, in the old days. Yeah. And then we've all made an effort. Yeah. We do all this. And then, having learned the... For the whole year. Yeah. Then Jose Mourinho comes and it's Jose again.

We're going back to square one. Yeah. Which is... Have you done that deliberately? You know that back to square one, you know that phrase comes from football on the radio? Does it? Yeah. I didn't know that. Oh. square one, you know that phrase comes from football on the radio. Does it? Yeah.

I didn't know that. Sometimes, I sometimes think there's a little, a little comedian in me who's working separately. Oh, yeah. It's like Rob Ryden's man in a box. Because sometimes I dream, sometimes I dream things that really make me laugh, things like one-liners.

Where are they coming from? I love the idea of a little man, like a numbskulls in a bow tie and a waistcoat little comic in your brain yeah someone's texted he's portuguese not spanish yeah we know that nobody said he's he speaks english in the dreams now maybe um maybe that point i'm giving this person the benefit of the doubt is that um maybe this the portuguese don't uh maybe they yeah maybe the Portuguese don't... Maybe they... Right.

Well, I don't want to talk about that. Anyway, San Jose earthquakes have made inquiries, so I do have some options. So I just wanted to assure Frank that daydreaming is still thriving in my mind, with one lasting for over a decade. From what started as a youngster at Portsmouth, has gone off on tangents which have taken me to some wonderful tapas restaurants

on the outskirts of Barcelona. Yeah, excellent. We must have been teammates at some point. Ben and I. We must have been. That's nice. He's going to have to go back and redo some of his daydreams with you as a teammate.

I have to say, I don't... I've been a weak room. No disrespect, I don't recall him on any of the England trips. No, but he does say, I've been doing my badges so I can embark on a coaching career in the future. You see, I was, I

got onto the wire, there's a bit of jiggery-pokery with the Spanish FA and I didn't do any of my badges. Didn't do the badges. I just came in. Yeah, I also wrote a four-volume autobiography. Well, could I refer you again to Peter McEldowney's text, who says, I don't see how my career with Barcelona is inferior to Gary Lineker's.

It's my favourite thing that anyone has ever said, ever. Well, thank you for that. But I honestly think it is a serious philosophical point. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I have a news story that I'd like to bring to your attention,

ladies and gentlemen. Yeah? Now, this sounds like somebody's died the way you've done that. No, no. I have a new story. Martial music player. I think this is a story that may resonate with you

because if you'll forgive me for saying so Mano a Mano, eye to eye contact Frank you have got a terrible sense of direction. I absolutely acknowledge that. We go to the same cafe or similar cafes every week after the show And you need to be steered towards it Even five years into the show

It is true It's amazing I have a theory That's a terrible thing I have a theory that you've used up a lot of your brain On other stuff And there's just not room to keep it Well I spoke to a psychologist once at a party

About this, is it that bad? Oh no About my sense of direction. And she said people that don't crawl when they're babies, some go just from sitting to walking. Is that right? And she said the crawling stage is when you develop your sense of direction. So if you miss the crawling.

Because my parents are dead so I couldn't ask them. So I asked my sister, I said, do you remember me crawling? What did she say? She said in the 80s. The perno years. Yeah, but she said she couldn't remember me crawling as a baby.

But that might be, she just can't remember. I mean, awful. This show I'm doing with Daisy, the history show, I have to be led around the theater we've had a lovely texting i was just going to say about uh daydreaming this is from francis dear frank divine miss emin the cockerel i don't know this has been covered before but re-daydreams i often daydream about confronting people who've been unpleasant to me. However, I often somehow lose control of the daydream

and I become genuinely upset by the things the confronter says to me, even though the words must have come from my own head. I find it genuinely difficult not to hold these imagined insults against them in real life. I do hope some of the other readers experience this and can share my insanity. Otherwise, I've made a very great fool of myself. I often wonder that, you know. I think if you have a dog and it dreams that you're hitting it with a stick, could it wake up and rip your throat out?

Francis is listening to our show all the way from Austria, as I'm studying abroad in Vienna this year. Well, it means nothing to me. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. We've had some goodies today. We have. And follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email us through the Absolute Radio website. We've had good email. You know, I love our people. Sometimes cynical on this show, i i love our people i'm sometimes cynical on this show but i love our people just before we um we crossed the hour and you had to do a little bit of housekeeping there we were um we're discussing we're discussing your terrible sense of direction i have a story that i think is germane um an australian man can i tell you a story first before we get into this well can i tell you a story that is jermaine i took my it's about pennant so hold on i'm taking my um well he he was all right jermaine pennant with a bad sense of that excuse tagged for quite a while they're always gonna find him maybe that's my secret i need uh i need to cause some minor

offenses a crime i don't mean minor offences. Mine, you know, should cause some things. No, I took my little boy swimming with my girlfriend in the car and she was off away for the weekend so I had to drop them both at Paddington Station after the lesson. And so I was driving them to the station and it said 4.3 miles so i thought not too bad sit on the satnav i'm using the satnav yeah i'm not bosking it anyway i um i had uh i had a bit of a what did he used to say a bit of trouble i had a bit of trouble

and um suddenly i noticed that the four three miles 43 miles to Paddington had turned to 25.2. Oh, dear. I was on the M1. You were. I was. Were you in a daydream? Were you doing some kind of press interview for Barca? I was.

What was wrong with you, Frank? I made an error. An error? It was very difficult. That's the day of your life. You'll never get that. Was it the vehicle? Was it the vehicle at fault?

Kath said, where are we? And I said, oh, God, I'm on the M1. I said, I'm really, really... You know when you say, that's totally my fault, as if it could have possibly been anyone else. I'm really, really... She said, I'm going to miss the train. I said, I'm really, really sorry, really sorry.

And you know when you say that to someone and you wait for the little comeback oh well you know it'd be you know worse things happen nothing silence oh dear

yeah and then it's like hmm it's the least gracious response to a sorry but it was it was terrible did she miss the train um no

I managed to I managed to do a handbrake turn. You floored it. Just drove it in the bus lanes. I rolled it onto the... No, I didn't. What it didn't allow for, what about this sofa the moment I was in, didn't allow for the fact that I could get round on the services.

Didn't give me that instruction. I love this story. So, yeah, it's a great story. I like any root-based story. But even in that club, that private club I was on about when I opened the door for the lady. Oh, yeah. I'm walking around in there where all the doors at the side. I mean, I could open the door.

It could be street level. It could be women in towels. I don't know what I'm going to find when I open the door. No idea. Huge swimming pool. Like, it's the start of, like, what's're like, Frank lives his life like Mr. Ben. It is, isn't he? He just opens the door and there's a zookeeper.

They're lying there wishing they were walking. There's a zookeeper suddenly. Yes. No idea. Anyway, what about... I feel we've found a figure that you may identify with. Okay. Headline, man gets lost in his own back garden.

I found that in the 30s. An Australian man has been rescued by police after getting lost in his own back garden. I found that in the thirties. An Australian man has been rescued by police after getting lost in his own garden while investigating what he thought was a wild dog, it's been reported. The man identified as self-confessed idiot Jason was eventually

located just 330 yards from his house. Jason said that he'd been watching TV and having a few beers. I think that might be an understatement. Oh, see, I don't have that excuse. That's unusual for an Australian. Agitated. Well, he goes Uber Australian. I'm

going to quote him. He's soon lost in the scrub, wearing only shorts. Uber Australian, with a phone fast running out of battery. Even though he's in his home, he could have been charging it up while sat there, couldn't he? I don't even know how it happened,ason says that's brilliant that's great i turned to come back and all of a sudden i was in long grass i just thought where the hell am i i've uh the late nelson mandela i just thought where am i there you go a little bit of professional actor

I? There you go. Professional actor. Three years at drama school. I thank you all. The only person about to start in a huge series and I think, Frank, I want to hear your Australian. I think it's going to be a bit better. What? That was good. I only went Mandela on purpose.

What about this one then? The ding-a took my baby. What do you think? I think that's even worse. It's got a dark edge to it. Your drongo. He did get called a drongo by a news station.

That's so Australian, isn't it? Even the news stations are calling him a drongo. I think he's a star. I do. I think he's a drongo star. Do you remember him in The Beatles? This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I'll tell you what I've got to tell you boys about.

I've been a bit of a girl about town this week. Uh-oh. I had my night out. I went, my gay godfather has a theatre production on in this country. Do you have one of each? Yeah. No, just the one. Okay. He has a show on.

Well, gay godfathers, they're the best ones. Yes. You know, no children. Unless you're really focused on the god bit, of course. Well, they can have children, I should say, but I'm just saying ticket sales are good and the inheritance is looking strong. He is behind Blythe Spirit,

which you may have heard has just opened this week. Oh, God, it's Noel Coward that's behind Blythe Spirit. He you may have heard has just opened this week. Oh, God, it's Noel Coward that's behind Blythe Spirit. He's not Noel Coward, is he? No, I wish. No, but that was Sheridan Morley's godfather. What a great godfather. Wow, cool. I bet he was behind Noel Coward.

Anyway, carry on. So you went to see it, did you? I did. It was a hot ticket. I bet. It was a hot ticket. I bet. It was a hot ticket for the sort of fedora-wearing fraternity. Yeah. All glasses on a lanyard, Frank.

You would have absolutely loved it. Sounds great. All glasses on a lanyard, I know, I know. Barry Humphries was there. Was he? He always wears a fedora. He had a fedora. No.

I thought, I hope I'm not behind him. That would be a nightmare. He's tall as well. Did he keep it on? Oh, he kept it on. Throughout? I kept hearing him laughing. Kept hearing this Australian laugh throughout.

Let's hear that, Al. No, no. My Australian laugh. That was the Australian one. OK. I don't know if you could hear it. Christopher Biggins. Pardon?

OK. You're dragging it down a little bit. It's still Safari So Goody. Very good. Thanks. Anita Dobson? No, you know, respect. Okay.

That's that one really good episode with just her and Dan and the window cleaner. That was excellent. It's that crowd, though. Elaine Page. Was Brian May there with her? Oh, well, you couldn't miss him. No, I didn't see...

Well, you could next to Anita Dobson. It could have just been double vision. Yeah, but I sat behind him at David Baddiel's, the premier of David Baddiel's, The Infidel, and it was awful. I couldn't see a thing. Well, no, exactly. It's like peering into a nudist colony through hedgerow. I don't know if you've ever done that.

Oh, it's one of my hobbies. Do they still call them colonies? I don't think so. That's a great thing. Why was it that the nude is colony? Like they'd moved in and taken over an area by force. Well, talking of colonies, my gay godfather is Australian. And he was sort of meat and greasing, as you do as the producer in the foyer,

before the curtain went up, before she went up, as they call it. Yeah. And Cameron McIntoshosh well-known theater producer he came over he shook my godfather yeah i'm sorry shook my godfather's hand he said hello he said can i say it's so wonderful to have you here after he gone i said to my godfather that's a bit patronizing just because you're from australia wonderful to have you in our country yeah my godfather said he owns the theater brilliant embarrassing i didn't realize and it was ang Angela Lansbury.

She was amazing. Can I just tell you something? She gets her round of applause when she comes on. When I did, does she? Yeah. When, um, oh she thinks I do, right? Yeah. I was, when I was The second half is slightly louder. When I did 15 to 1, um there was one of the answers to the questions

was Angela. Was it? The person didn't get it, and Adam Mills said, Angela Lansbury. And the audience went, oh! Like, with proper affection. It was lovely, lovely Angela Lansbury. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. So I was telling you about Angela Lansbury in Blythe's Spirit.

She was great. I mean, she's 88. So sprightly. You do get nervous when they come on, the elderly, though. I thought, oh, no, is she going to dry or something? Yes. Yeah. Like that old actress.

Did you say dry? Yes. Yeah. Is she going to die? It's a Tommy Cooper moment. She got through it. She was formidable. Yeah. She got through it. She was formidable. Yeah.

She was most excellent, yeah. Is there a sense that everybody in the audience is thinking this is a Tommy Cooper show, though? Is there? Is there, though? I mean, I saw it last night, and I was, when she came on in the second half, I was thinking, oh, good, not tonight. You saw it last night? You saw it last night?

What? I went last night. Oh, come on, I missed out on the Blind Spirit gang. You didn't tell me you went. Well, here's the thing, guys. What's the deal? The male lead in it is in a sitcom with myself. And so I went in a little group with some other actors that I worked with.

59 quid a ticket, though. And that was me. Was that your Australian? No, it's just my angry. Did you have to buy tickets? Oh, that's a bit mean, isn't it? What, they're for sale, theatre tickets. How extraordinary.

From what I've heard, one day you'll inherit a little bit of that 59 quid. That's what I'm hearing. She's just given it to me direct. Oh, God, yeah. Yes, Charles, who I was in the same problem with. Your idea is to eliminate the middleman. Who's that quote? It's Oliver Hardy.

When they're going to buy a boat to go fishing. Ah, yes. So, you went as well. Yeah, it's very posh though, isn't it? It is very posh. I noticed that it was really posh because she uses the word trance a lot and she says trance and every time I thought trance.

Every single time. Enough about your raving days. I'm sorry, but for me there'll only ever be Dame Marlborough filling that role. Is that right? Yeah, there you go. Could we possibly sound any camper on Absolute Radio this morning? Well, let's have a go, shall we?

Yeah, this week, the disgust. Well, I'm not serving her! How was that? They do say, when the curtain goes up sometimes, the glasses on the lanyard lot, they go, Oh, she's up. She's up. I love that.

She's up. Someone else. So it was a lovely evening. Well, I'm glad you were there as well, Al. Sorry I didn't see you. It was pleasant and very good. It was like me and Ben being in the same Barcelona squad and never speaking. Yeah.

Frank, I also used Absolute Radio as my dressing room. Oh. Because I come here first and I change. Oh, OK. I couldn't do my zip-up, though. So I had to get assistance from one of the male DJs and the security guard. How big was the zip? You are joking. The zip went the whole length. Two men? Well, no. Two people to zip you into this?

I went to ask the security guard and then I got a bit embarrassed as well. So Pete Donaldson did it up for me. Hang on. So you got embarrassed and brought in another person to look at you. Hang on, that seems counterintuitive. It's like closing an enormous suitcase, it sounds like. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

We've already dealt with a long daydream about playing for Barcelona. I have another email here. Dear Frank, hearing your Wimbledon daydream story reminded me... What was that? You had a Wimbledon one as well where you played with no badges and no sponsorship. Oh, yes. I deliberately... I even sanded the logo off my racket. Wooden rackets? Yeah, my racket. Wooden rackets?

Yeah, wooden racket. Wooden rackets? Wouldn't take any sponsorship at all. It's good of you, isn't it? It's good of you. Shopped at the market to avoid brands. That sounds about right. Hearing your Wimbledon daydream story reminded me, when we were young, my elder sister bet me ten shillings,

exclamation mark, that she would play at Wimbledon one day, the championships, not just on a court. She is now 55 and lives in Australia, so probably won't hear this, but the last time I mentioned the bet and offered to calculate its current value, she replied that there was still the veterans' competition to consider. Does she actually play tennis? No. And that's from Hilary. Good work on the bet. It's interesting that because my nephew

moved to Australia, took his children, and one of the kids, who'd never picked up a tennis racket in his life, when he went to school in Australia, tennis is very much pushed. And now he's playing at a really high level. Oh, is that right?

Yeah. He's like state level. And he probably would never have found out if he'd remained in a really high level. Oh, is that right? Yeah. He's, like, state level. And he probably would never have found out if he'd remained in the West Midlands. What about that? Yeah. I've often thought about what a brilliant skier I might be. And even the potential, I might actually be at that top level without...

It's like skiing now. You just have a crack at it. No, but I could because I've never tried it. You can't just have everything. You know, I've said before on this show that I think I've got a natural aptitude for the pole vaults. I think it looks easy. I reckon I could do that.

No, he hasn't. Jumping, innit? Just let go at the right point. I couldn't imagine pole vaulting with the cockerel. Using me as the pole. You'd have to help me a bit down the runway. If we had to be good at a sport, what would I be good at? I'm afraid I'm going to have to be the shot put.

No. Oh, okay. No. Come on, Emily. I think it's deadlifts, isn't it? Yeah, but the put posterior, you see, that's always going to be a slight issue with certain sports. Not for the deadlift.

The big posterior. Oh, yeah. It's helpful for the deadlift. You said put posterior. It is put as well. Big and put. Yeah. It happens. What a double deadlift. The big posterior. Oh, yeah. It's helpful for the deadlift. You said pert posterior, though. It is pert as well. Big and pert. Yeah, it happens. What a double that they were.

They were, they were good. Oh, I'm big and I'm pert. Yes, they were great. I love that bit they did when they did, like, the Western spoof. Mm-hmm. Brilliant. So, yes, well, I, um, I, I like the idea idea of predicting because there was that black wasn't there a one a lot of money on his son when he said he'd play for england by a certain age

was that right what about we'll have a we'll have a bit of a readers uh thing i predict that um my son boz will be a professional stand-up comedian by the time he's 25. Wow. I mean, successful. That's good. Doing well. And if I'm wrong... Those tiger mothers. If we get some names now, and draw one out of a hat, if I'm wrong, then if he doesn't make it,

the prize for that person is they can name anyone in their life and I'll assassinate them. You're going to have a bit of a job in 25 years. Well, that's it. I've got nothing to lose. I'm happy to just run into them and bite their throat, Sad.

I don't care about being caught. So what? What, are you going to put me in prison on in my late 70s? Bring it on, I'll say. Bring it on! Whoa, bring it on whoa bring it on what do i care i noticed as you get older you get a sort of american accent how does that happen i don't care anymore about my life he's dead i was a competition winner what could i do I do? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an email entitled, Did I Hear Right? which I opened with Miss Givens. I'm not going to lie, I thought, what have we said? Dear, in alphabetical order, ladies first, Miss Emily, Mr Allen and Mr Frank, did I hear right a little while ago? Did Mr. Frank

say that he took his son and girlfriend swimming in his car? I feel this is a bit odd as wouldn't it ruin the upholstery? Well, that is deliberately misinterpreting what I said for comic purposes. I think so. Yeah. I love it when they do that. I like what he's done there.

That's from Mitch Mitchell. He says, not that one. Mitch Mitchell? Who's Mitch Mitchell? He did, Well, I never felt more like singing the blues. I never thought I'd end at Waterloo. Waterloo.

You're quite the one-man band, aren't you? Thank you very much. He sounds a bit unwell. The first version of it sounded like the ageing Frank that was being tried for a crime. Oh, yeah. I should say, there have been a couple of people who want to take you up on that offer.

Oh, OK. But they can't do it until Boz... No, Steph says, I'll take that bet because I know who I want you to assassinate in 25 years. All right. Well, that's interesting because that's assuming. Whoever it is, they're not going to be that dangerous and sprightly at 25 years. None of us are.

Good point. Anyway, bringing us down on absolute. Map surgery I plan on having. Don't you even believe what you see. I would like to read an email, Frank. I'm going to call it email four. This is from Michael Leslie He says

Dear Frank Strange that the names are the two grade brothers Two more cigar aficionados Dear Frank Emily, delightful and Alan Catching up over podcasts it struck me that you've been involved Dear Frank, Emily, brackets, delightful, and Alan. No brackets.

Catching up over podcasts, it struck me that you've been involved in some surreal situations. Are you fucking kidding me? The two that stick in my mind, are you appearing on a bill where Ron Atkinson... I should say he's directing this to Frank, not me. Appearing on a bill where Ron Atkinson closed the show singing My Way, and you attending Wembley with Tony...

Hold it, also accompanied only by Nigel Kennedy on the violin. Sounds quite mournful. Yeah, it was a bit mournful. Can I continue? Yes, of course. And you attending Wembley with Tony the Tiger, who then left at half-time. Yes, he had, as he said to me,

I'm sorry I feel terrible, I got heat stroke last week as a pink panther. Other than comedy itself. He's a feline specialist. And excluding alcohol-induced, when has your comedy taken you to situations where you've paused and thought, is this really happening?

How did I end up here with them doing this? Well, I don't know about that. I don't want to go into that. I assume that the incredible Miss M will have some stories from fashion. But I would be really interested if fame has taken you, M, or Alan anywhere along a surreal tangent.

Wow, you can imagine many times. Many. What sticks out in your mind? I think it was backstage with Elvis Costello at the Hammersmith Apollo. Oh, that's good, Frank. More soon.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I did say I'd tell the Elvis Costello story, but I don't think we have time. So I'll bookmark it and do it.

So you're going to tell us a surreal story about your showbiz career? We must have some. The thing about a surreal story, there's that time when the clocks melted in here and all those ants were on the wall? If I was going out with Salvador at the time. Now, I do remember that thing about

you think, how did I get here? I did a photo shoot for Loaded and I was in a jacuzzi with two models. Absolutely disgusting. And I turned to one of them and said, you know,aded and I was in a jacuzzi with two models. Oh, absolutely disgusting. And I turned to one of them and said, you know, I used to work in a factory. Did you? Nice.

She looked at me, not with contempt, she looked at me like you might look at a chest of drawers. Not with any contempt, just like, as if... What is this thing? Not even that, not even... just looked... What is this thing? Not even that. Not even... Just looked black. Just looked at me like... Just observed something. And we moved on.

I had a backstage conversation that lasted ten minutes with television's Roy Walker, wearing no shirt, about his stand-up act. Who was wearing no shirt? He had no shirt on. He was going, Do you think I should do more gags, Alan? Or stories?

I think I must... And I was thinking, how did this happen? He used to be on catchphrase and now you're asking me for stand-up advice with no shirt on. Very strange. What's he... How's he looking? He was about five years ago. He was a while. He's good. He's not bad looking.

No, I'm thinking about what, you know... I'm thinking about the torso. Oh, he had a vest on. What about when I was eight years old and I said, I don thinking about what you know I'm thinking about the torso Oh, he had a vest on What about when I was eight years old and I said I don't want to go to Doris Lessing's for lunch I hate Doris Lessing She was horrible, no she wasn't, she was a nice woman But she talked too much

She just talked too much I had no time for it, yeah You should have told them, Doris Lessing Thanks very much, good night Oh dear, oh dear It quite makes sense, it's got a lovely rhythm to it Thanks very much, good night. Yeah. Oh, dear, oh, dear. You're not stopping that. It quite makes sense. It's got a lovely rhythm to it.

That's what it's all about. It's like life. It's like life. Yeah. It doesn't make sense. It's got a lovely rhythm to it. What about when I went away with the Arsenal team? Oh, no.

No. Again, more is less. Or was it layers? What about a fortnight ago when I stood in a hotel and I'd bought myself a salad and some steamed mackerel, you know, like in a tin that I tipped into the salad, and then realised that the hotel didn't have any teaspoons, that they'd swapped them, and they only had little plastic stirrers, do you know what I mean? Yes.

And I had to use two of those like chopsticks to eat a salad with fish in my hotel room and I was thinking how did it come to this Alan? How did it come to this stupid moment? That's terrible. What about when I was misrepresented in the press and didn't do any post-match interviews for two seasons?

I don't know I look back and I think, God get over it. Anyway look, thank you so much for listening. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the cranks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.