The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Benchmark

Episode Date: June 14, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank is back! He has returned from his filming on Doctor Who and discusses getting lost in a hotel room, bad breath and what we make do with.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. And relax. We've missed you, Big Daddy. Thank you.

Things have been awfully quiet round here without you. No, it's... Yes, I've missed it terribly, but it's lovely to be back. I was going to play that, you know, good to be back, good... No, don't play that. Don't talk about it. It seems so apt. Shall we not talk about it?

What have you been up to, Big Daddy? You know, I did Doctor Who. Doctor Who. Finished my nationwide tour temporarily. You know, stuff, all that that stuff you said both of those without breaking into a massive grin which is yes well um no spoilers though you know what a geek i am about those that doctor who those organs obviously i have i have we've got our theories from the internet i have i thought that was your Hungarian neighbours.

Now, yes, obviously there's things I can't reveal. But I'll tell you something. What about this for a moment? Oh, yeah. This guy said, I need to take your photo. So I had to stand in front of this white screen in my costume, which obviously I can't describe. Oh, lovely.

And I was photographed in the round. So I had to turn a little bit, photograph, turn a little bit, photograph, turn a little bit. I said, so what was all that for? He said, oh, that's just in case you're an action figure. Oh! Come on! Just in case, obviously.

I'm not saying I will be, but I'll always remember. Yeah, but when it doesn't happen, can I play that clip of you saying, come on, like Stuart Pearce? You're going to feel so stupid no just because just for the moment do you think do you think stuart pierce looks back and thinks why did i do that yeah i mean you know that that's what that's why people think i'm a bit of a lout i would love it if you're an action figure frank oh i mean i think that's every man's ambition to keep you as you are, then. I mean, what I mean is they won't perfect you in any way. Not that you need perfecting.

Why would they do that? No, but they do that. They beef them up, don't they, sometimes? You mean I look like a man masters the universe? No, I think they'll just keep me scrawny. Oh, lovely. It depends, really, doesn't it? Because obviously you can't give away what your character is. But if your character is somehow CGI...

The green scaly wings. Exactly. The green scaly wings make me look more manly in a strange way. Yeah, so that was fantastic. And you had your little show. I had my little show. I did a little bit of acting. My boyfriend went to see you in Manchester.

I got a boyfriend while you were away. Oh, yeah? Yeah. You got a boyfriend? I had to before the face went. How long have I been away? Before the face went. You have to get a boyfriend before the face goes.

I know, yeah. Well, it's like if you're a bloke, you have to get a girlfriend before the hair goes. You have to marry them before the hair goes. Because they will walk out if it goes suddenly. Yeah, so I've been told. It's a terrible thing, that. Yeah, so...

Congratulations to you both. Oh, thanks. I don't know which is a greater achievement. No, that's lovely. Well done, you guys. And it's later it's lovely to see you're so happy. Is there any chance that he'll make you an action figure? Well, yeah, you never know.

Funny you should say that. It's funny, but he's from Tahiti. And he's a he's a shaman. So he might well make one if you cross it. Oh, no. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. We've heard from the outside world already. We're only just back and already they're getting in touch. Sadly, I'm not delighted by the tone that David from Leatherhead has taken. Oh, no. His text reads, Webcams? Maybe turn them on in Studio A?

Well, that's another request entirely. And then he said, Would be nice to see a glimpse of the ongoing show. Thanks, David from Leatherhead. Am I putting that tone in it too much? Well, the way you've read it, I'm not sure about your reading of this one. OK.

Can I say you've done what we call in the trade, you've done an Emily. OK. Can we say, let's imagine David from Leatherhead as a genie or friendly. OK. Webcams. Oh, hang on, that's not got a question mark.

Hang on. Webcams? Maybe turn them on in studio. We're just going to listen to you workshopping. Suddenly, it's a lovely blow. Yeah, hang on, that's not got a question mark. Hang on. Webcams? Maybe turn them on in studio. Are we just going to listen to you workshopping? Suddenly, it's a lovely blow. Yeah, it's nice now. It would be nice to see a glimpse of the ongoing show. Well, that's it.

He wants to see the show. There's nothing to see here. The producer, Daisy, is frantically trying to get them working because she's got a tan this week. She's come back from her holidays. She's wearing a white top, of course. Hank, she's not just wearing a white top In the lift

Yes, we have a lift at Absolute Radio She was saying to Alan Oh, are you browner than me? Holding her arms She was doing the arm test Oh, I love that She actually said You've got a bit of a tan, Alan, haven't you?

And then bit of a tan Held up her very tanned arm I love that Yeah Anyway, happy birthday to Daisy For her lovely birthday this week. Speaking of birthdays... Oh, yeah.

Didn't I show you... Must we? The Bozzy's birthday greeting? Oh, yes. Just... This is... Tell the readers. Basically, Bozzy's birthday...

I had to work on Bozzy's birthday. Some of our regulars will know. I was doing Doctor Who. Anyway, I sent... The birthday greeting I sent him was... I texted him a photo and it's Peter Capaldi stepping out of the TARDIS, holding up a sign that says,

Happy Birthday, Boz. Oh, that's going to be hard to beat, isn't it? I shall send him that every year for the rest of his life. That's brilliant. Not for the rest of his life, for the rest of my life. No spoilers. Can you do a direct debit with a text so i don't know i don't know you'll find a way i mean how long have i got i know a man who probably can you know when you were announced on uh on doctor who and i said i'm a bit worried that you're going to be in the background autograph hunting like daleks and stuff like that this does sound a bit like i know

this was like the second morning oh can you imagine when he knocked that knock on the trailer yeah hello it's frank skinner here i'm very busy i'm terribly busy i don't know i just got a little favor it's all right all right oh i have to learn some like oh okay just to get it over with no he was like he was very lovely can i say as well i no spoilers, but Capaldi looks hot. That's all I'm saying. He's a very handsome fellow. I mean, I'm spoken for.

Yes. Did I say I've got a boyfriend? I really don't like that phrase coming from you, I'm spoken for. Who? Who speaks for you? Who could possibly speak for you? I tell you what, he get a lot of birthday cards, Boz. I don't know, Annora, my older sister,

she has a fabulous consistency of birthday cards. She never misses a birthday, for a start-off. But I think there's a little shop just round the corner from her that is 1964. Because she gets those, which I don't think exist,

you know, birthday cards that have got a fishing rod on. And I don't mean a photo, I mean like a painting of a fishing rod, often with an accompanying satchel of some kind that the fisherman... Or a vintage car, I get vintage car ones from her. Nice. It's absolutely amazing that they still exist. And she's not the sort of woman to seek out a retro site on the internet. No, it doesn't sound like it.

That's really... Respect. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. On 8.12.15, we've heard from David from Leatherhead again. Oh, there you go. Webcams at last. Thanks. David from Leatherhead.

Oh, there you go. Webcams at last. Thanks. To be honest, that's what I thought I was doing with my voice there when I did it. In fairness, you've made it sound a bit like John Inman. I mean, that's no bad thing. That's all right. Yeah, it's a good thing. Yeah. You know, times have changed. And also 757 has said,

Frank, you already have your action figure on Room 101. Oh, yeah. Well, it's a doll, really, isn't it? It's more of a doll. Lovely doll, though. I think it's a modified Ken. Right. Oh, no, I don't think...

Actually, I think it's off the market. Oh, isn't it? You know, when you get those dolls off the market. Oh, no, I don't think... Actually, I think it's off the market. Oh, isn't it? You know, when you get those dolls off the market. Oh, yeah. It's got that sort of... Yeah. But that's... Yeah, it's more of a doll than an actual figure.

I couldn't see it battling... What were they called? The Gorgons? The Zorgons. Zorgons, yeah. I don't think it could take on a Zorgon. No. But well spotted, though.

Lovely that people even notice. It's nice, isn't it? Oh, there's some fine prop work on that show of yours. Yeah. It's on again, of course, in repeat. Isn't it? Yeah. Well, so is Alan on A&E, apparently.

I've been tweeted. Oh, yeah. Was that your TV debut, A&E? Yeah. Possibly, yeah. It that your TV debut, I&E? Yeah. Possibly, yeah. It was a long time ago. Regulars will know that Alan played Jason the Asthmatic in I&E. I'm pretty sure they will.

Well, Tim and Tim... Thank you, as well. Tim tweeted to say... Tim tweeted. ITV are showing A&E at 3am or something. Oh, that's embarrassing. Don't worry, I'll find embarrassing. He'd be no good in scheduling, would he, Tim?

Imagine that, reading that at the radio times, 3am or something. This is odd. Tell the Cockerel, hashtag Jason the Asthmatic. I'm gonna find it. Let's get that worldwide trending, people. Hashtag Jason the Asthmatic. Yeah, I'm gonna

watch that. How long ago was it? I think it was 1999 that I did it. Wow. Well, I'm going to tape it and tonight I'm going to party. It's 1999. And appropriately enough for the 90s, you'll be taping it. May I just say, I wasn't in every episode, so it could be that we have to say quite a lot of episodes of A&E before we...

Oh, you wasn't in every episode? No, no, I was in one episode. You wouldn't be in A&E every week. Not with asthma. No. If I'd been Jason the TV guy, it would have been a different story. He could have been an asthmatic receptionist in A&E. Yeah.

Yeah, but wouldn't someone eventually, like week 17, say, it's about time this boat was officially admitted to the hospital. They can't be just coming in and out of A&E every day. Exactly. It's not just like a drop-off. It's supposed to be for emergencies. Yeah, they have systems in place. I'll speak to the triage.

I talk to the triage. Alan picked up a lot of medical lingo from that show, didn't you? I didn't, no. Didn't you? No. Which brings me back to one of the great TV questions of all time. Did Tina Hobley say yes to Holby City because Holby's a bit like Hobley? Was that a factor? That's all I want to know.

I mean, it is too much of a coincidence. Is that today's text then? Yeah. It's why Arsene Wenger took the Arsenal job. That's what people do. I wasn't offered the film about Frank Sidebottom

or I might have thought about doing that. No, but I'm starring in Forest of Dean. Are you? I think with my surname being Cochran, we should move on here.

Okay. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. 131, who's a fairly frequent texter, has texted in... He's one of mine. Yeah, bizarrely, I am day four of a hospital admittance after an asthma attack. 131, the asthmatic. Oh, no, that's...

We'll get well soon, 131. Yeah. I'm worried about that yeah and and uh you're trending i think yeah you're trending hashtag jason the asthmatic on twitter i'm struggling with this the ash tagic yeah jason the ash tagic that's what you are what about jordan who's just texted us you You're kidding me. Not with those lungs. Oh, sorry, I've done a joke from the 1970s. Or 90s, depending on how you look at it. I got it from the daycare shop round the corner from Nora. Jordan says, I think this Jordan may be male.

Hi all, first time seeing the webcam. Oh, see, they can see the webcam. First time seeing the webcam and sending in an email. I hope you read this out. That's it. No. Just to say that's a very nice Paisley shirt Frank is wearing. Is it linen?

And was that teardrop slash speech mark design actually designed in Paisley? It's a lovely shirt, Frank. It is nice. Thank you very much. Is it linen? I don't know. I'm going to have to get down. She said, have a look at my label.

She said, have a look at my label. No, you can tell just by... Well, she just did it with that thing that women do when they just touch the clouds in the shop. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I could have done that. I call it sleeve pulling.

What are you getting, Daisy, on the label? On the label front? I think I need to check this one. Oh. This label. Oh, sorry. No, why aren't labels... She's putting her hands inside your trousers.

Yeah. Disgusting. We're checking on her, sir. That's not where the labels are, Daisy. Two spare books. No, that's washing instructions. You're full. Oh, okay.

100% cotton. 100% cotton, it is. I love the way she whispered it. That's not where the labels are, Daisy. Not to spare, but no, that's washing instructions, you fool. Oh, okay. 100% cotton, it is. I love the way she whispered it. Because she was a bit ashamed. Yeah, but no, it's because she knows, you know, she knows. It looks silky from over here. The backroom deal. Backroom deal? Yeah.

The backroom deal you can't talk about. If there's any speaking out loud to do, it'll be us. So there you are, 100% cop. I was going to turn it into a texting, but I thought, no, let's get it out. Let's close it now. It is a lovely shirt, though. I'm not really familiar with the various Paisley options.

Haven't they all got a teardrop element? Oh, I don't know. Ask you and cry or something, they'll know. What about Nuggets Texted? I could ask the Reverend Ian Paisley. Oh, yeah. I bet he's an authority. Like Tina Hobley. Anyway. Yeah.

Go on. Nuggets texted us. Oh, yes. Morning, Cockrell. Morning, Emily. And welcome back, Mr Radio. Alan, there was an action figure for Jason the Asthmatic, complete with inhaler accessory

and perhaps open-backed hospital gown. That cannot be. I don't know if you wore one. Oh, imagine if there was. That'd be good. I met Nogget. Shut up. Yeah, I met him in Worthing.

How was it? It was very nice. Lovely. A very, very nice fellow. No, she was asking Nogget, text in, how was it meeting Frank? Much better looking than I thought. I imagined, I had him tied up in my mind

with Nogget who was on Big Brother. Do you remember that sort of pale, cockney one who wore a hat oh yeah broke his leg I had him tied up in my mind with chicken nuggets so yeah not not that attractive looking it's interesting to see had him tied up with chicken wire and some terrible fantasy you know it made me sick well I got a lovely I got an upgrade that always special. I was staying at a hotel in the north of England. Oh, lovely. Oh, yeah. And they said, would you like to be upgraded to the suite?

And I said, well, how much will that cost? They said, no, no, no. Oh, you didn't ask the price. Of course he did. I didn't want to be involved in any embarrassment. He's worse than me, I'm telling you. I've got a reputation. I'm not worse than you.

He's worse. I'm not worse. I have moments when I'm as bad as you. I'm certainly not worse. I've got the rep. He's got the form. You're both terrible. He's worse. I'm not worse. I have moments when I'm as bad as you. I'm certainly not worse. I've got the rep. He's got the form. You're both terrible. That's what I said.

Anyways. We're both pretty bad, but if you prick us, do we not bleed? Anyway, that was a usury joke. There aren't enough usury jokes on Absolute Rain. If I've said that once, I've said it... So what did they say? You're entitled to an upgrade? Yes. And I thought, that once, I've said it... So what did they say? You're entitled to an upgrade? Yes, and I thought,

oh, I could have been bothered to move, you know, I've unpacked my wash bag. Oh, that must have taken four seconds. Yeah. What did you put in there? Toothbrush. Toothbrush and salt. Anyway, so I decided to go, it was such a such a big room i'm not no this

is not this sounds like i'm exaggerating for a comedy effect i got slightly lost in my hotel room no honestly because there was a kitchen i went to go to the kitchen lovely i went i went to go to the kitchen and i walked into the bathroom. I thought, oh, no, the kitchen's in the other end. I actually physically got lost in my own hotel room. It's like being in Downton Abbey. Oh, that's a moment. And I've been lost in many places, but that was a first for me. How many bathrooms?

Well, I found three. Three bathrooms I found. Well, there's two full bathrooms and one toilet on its own in this is in one hotel hotel room yeah i mean i've got three bathrooms in my house and i burst about it there was classics there was a hard bound classics just like lying around in there there's like 20 or 30 hard bound classics you could just so they've gone no no i didn't feel it's a very tricky thing that because obviously i loaded up the products from the bathroom yeah oh you didn't oh yeah um ren very good i took those and then i thought i thought can you take the magazines no um really

i sometimes do with the magazine no i don't think you can take the magazine. Yeah, let's face it, you're the benchmark. Couldn't that be today's texting? Are the magazines... Yeah, I apologised about the benchmark. You know, I'd just come out of the show and the phone went. I sat down for three minutes. But I left a note for the cleaner.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank, you were talking about your hotel room, 566. You were just saying it seemed fairly well appointed. Mm-hm. And you... Three bedrooms. Yeah. Three beds.

Plus hard backboards. Three bathrooms. Not three bathrooms. That'd be crazy. Three classics. I would have sublet if you'd have been there. That's bathrooms, yeah. That'd be crazy. Three classics. I would have sobbed let if he'd have been there. That's true, yeah. You can always find people in the corridors.

All the classics he had. What about that woman in a German hotel? She said to me, I came here to see Matt. Let me get the voice letter. I came here to see Matt. Good one. And I was not in Rome.

She said, You want a good time? Wow. She didn't. I said, How dare you say that to me? She had an Etch-a-Sketch. Nice. I said, That want a good time? Wow. She didn't. I said, how dare you say that to me. She had an Etch-A-Sketch. Nice.

I think that's what she meant. Now, she was a woman. I mean, she could have been my, not perhaps my mum, but she could have been an older member of my siblings. Not that she wasn't attractive. No. But I don't, you don't want to encourage these people. Anyway, this is a different story.

Maybe not for Breakfast Radio. I'm loving your darkness. It's opportunistic of her, though. I'll give her that. Yeah. Just a matter of fact, she'd met in the hallway. It's like tantamounts of flyering or something. It is, yeah.

Just in a corridor. Also, you want good time. I'll be the judge of that. Oh, 566. He says, morning morning all there is a superb original sorry he said superb clearly it's gonna be morning all there is a superb original drawing of the duke of wellington in a hotel room in the cotswolds that i've often wondered if they'd ever noticed had gone missing i'm certain they have no idea what they have how i've never packed

it in my suitcase i I will never know. I'm going to have to make them an offer. That's Simon the art dealer who's become one of my regulars. Yes. So is he suggesting that he's on the brink of theft? I don't know. Is this borderline what is theft if you're in a hotel room? Yeah.

You know, I mean, is it theft when you take an apple from the bowl on reception? No. No. Can you take home products? I feel you can take home products. Can you take home a flannel? Don't think so. No.

Well, you notice what they've started doing in the very smart hotels with the bathrobes, because this was a huge epidemic, wasn't it? Oh, yes. They say what they do in a very posh hotel, so as not to embarrass you, they just put it on your bill. And they say, we're delighted, I don't know how I know this from personal experience,

we're delighted you enjoyed our merchandise. Well, I was talking to a guy who toured with someone and this other chap, every time he checked into a hotel, he got in, put the robe in his suitcase

and then phoned down and said, sorry, there's no robe in my room and they bring another robe up. And at him, put the robe in his suitcase and then phoned down and said, sonny, there's no robe in my room and they bring another robe up. And at the end of the tour he had 51 hotel robes. What do you do with them? Wow. That's the texting.

Yeah, you could parachute. You could probably build parachutes. Toweling. Yeah. It's a sweaty business, parachutes. You could probably build parachutes, toweling. Yeah, yeah. And it's a sweaty business, parachutes, and you could mop your own brain with them. Either that or he's got a massive sauna and he has sauna parties with all his friends. Well, he's probably stolen a sauna from some hotel he stayed at.

I mean, that to me, a robe is way over the top. Well, we're in a hotel the next few days and let's find out if it's way over the top. OK, what about a duvet? I started... Well, we're in a hotel the next few days, and let's find out if it's way over the top. Okay. What about a duvet? I started... I'll wear it on my back. I started reading a hardback copy of Virgil's Aeneid in this room. Could I have taken that?

That'd be too much, wouldn't it? Yeah, I think that's too much. I don't know, but I'm pretty jealous of Cathy on those long dark nights. No, I was on my own. I was on my own. When I'm on my own I reach for a classic. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. I checked into my Cardiff hotel. Oh yeah. Get around, don't you? Yeah. And they'd folded two of the towels into an elephant. Oh, had they?

There was an elephant in your room? Yeah, I didn't want to mention it. I thought it was a bit of a taboo subject. No, they'd folded it into... I'll show you on my phone, and if you like it, we'll put it on the Absolute website to share it with others. What, do we get to choose that? So that was on my bed when I got in.

Oh, we should definitely do that. Yeah, that's fun. It's good, isn't it? Yeah. So that's someone who's gone the extra mile. That is absolutely disgusting. It's an elephant. It's not. It is, it's an elephant.

They don't know what they're doing. What, they've done my football referees? Yeah. You do. No, it's definitely I thought it was brilliant. It sort of made me feel like, you know, they'd thought, oh someone come in. Were you tempted to put it in your trunk? No. Trunk? No, I, like I say

I wouldn't take a towel. That looks a mess. It's collapsing. It looks like the Elephant Man. If they'd made me an Elephant Man, I'd have to tell you something. I'm so impressed with that. I'd have moved in. You'd stay there for that, wouldn't you?

I'm not an animal. I'm toweling. I'm toweling. I didn't realise that. I'm glad you had a nice time, though, darling. Lovely. Yes, I was impressed realise that I'm glad you had a nice time though darling lovely I was impressed by that I was working at the Wallace

collection in London which is an art gallery you may know rather fine what's happened to you? something that's never happened to me before and I've had a conversation about it on many occasions I got locked in in a toilet cubicle you didn't yeah oh that's humiliating well oh yeah um my girlfriend kath well hang on

what was she doing in there she wasn't there she won't she won't lock the door on a toilet cubicle ever no really because she thinks because of that and i always say to her no one ever gets locked in toilet cubicles so she goes to the toilet i have to stand that side and sometimes women will come to the toilet and i say no there's someone in there and i say no no it's vacant and i say no no it isn't and they look at me like i'm a complete weirdo and i say my girlfriend's in there and i think oh god he's got the imaginary friend thing going on. And because she's frightened of locking the door. In fact, somebody told me

they were at London Studios, walked into the ladies' toilet and Geri Halliwell was just sitting there on the toilet because she won't do it either. She's frightened of being locked in. Oh. A lot of fear about it. You don't want to do that

at a fire nightclub in Vauxhall. No. No. Well, they don't have locks on the doors. Is that right? They don't have doors, come to mention it. That's very sensible. Anyway, I got locked in and it was quite...

I thought, I'm fine with it, you know, not really a problem. And then after about ten minutes, it starts to get quite hot in there. Oh. Right. And I thought, oh, what a way to go. In the end, I really a problem. Then after about ten minutes, it starts to get quite hot in there. Oh, right. And I thought, oh, what a way to go. In the end, I had to flush. I couldn't stand it a second longer. No, I'll tell you what happened, but I'll tell you in a minute. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. I can still hear a sting in the background. He won't go quietly. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. So I was locked in a toilet at the Wallace Collection

Do you know what I find very poignant is the idea of your little Birmingham hands trying to get the lock open I can't bear it My wizened Birmingham hands heavily veined So I had to call I had to call

the runner I had to go, Georgia! I had to shout from my toilet cubicle. Luckily she was at the end of the hallway because I get lost going to and from so I had to be followed. And some men came.

Some men came? Some men came. And after a bit there was a lot of scratching at the door and they had a, you know, there was all this, oh now it's, look the thing's come off, and all that stuff. How embarrassing. Were you doing some material inside? I could hear that.

Now, I was singing, oh dear, what can it matter, three old ladies locked in a lavatory, just because I'll never get a more apt opportunity. And then they said, we're going to kick the door in. And I said, now hold it, because it's door-sized. There's no to hide. So there's nowhere to hide. So they kicked the door and they smashed my face in. So in the end they had to, they had

to sort of prize me out with some big screwdrivers and break the thing off. Hang on, they used the screwdrivers on you? No, no. I was still in there. By now I was hysterical. The last time I heard a story like this, which was recently, I can't say where, but I heard a story that somebody had got locked in the toilet and the the buildings

DIY staff couldn't undo it and they had to call the fire brigade. What if they'd done that? Imagine the embarrassment of Frank Skinner. Well, when you say imagine the embarrassment, it's pretty embarrassing anyway. No, it could have been worse if I'd done the sit-downs in there.

Oh! No, but I'd have been so embarrassed, the door opening and the doors opening. Oh! So I was very relieved about that. You were very relieved. I was very relieved. Yeah. You were very relieved. I was very relieved. But it was a weird...

I honestly thought... And then I thought, do I tell Kath or not? Because Kath was like, I told you! They're not safe, those public toilets. Did you tell her? Of course I told her. I tell her everything. That's my policy.

OK. I suppose the other way is to carry like a little pocket knife with them with the screwdriver thing you could have just unlocked i love your handy tips you're like frank's dad always carry some salt in your pocket well i'm like i've got if i get stuck in a lift i always think you know i can always i'd wean to my jacket oh my god i think that would soak up and if you need it wouldn't soak up. It would. It would. Yeah, it's better than doing it on the floor. You just don't do it at all.

Yeah, I always think that. If we got stuck in here now. And I always think that... You wee in your jacket. Well, and to go and stay... If I needed to do more than wee, as it were, I would go straight into the pocky. And that would hold... Then you wrap it round.

And then by the time... I don't want you to wrap it round. No, but the time... I don't want you to wrap it round. No, but they would... I don't want you to do it in the first place. You don't just do it on the floor. Just have self-control. Why don't you just let me be a good citizen for a change? Anyway, let's move on. It's got a bit lavatorial.

Oh, now I've got to play some music. I mean, things, they're rushing away from me. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. I mean, things, they're rushing away from me. Someone's texted, Frank, why didn't you sing Trapped by Colonel Abraham's good song? I don't know. Can you see I'm so trapped and I don't know what to do? Not only acting, ladies and gentlemen. Not only acting. and gentlemen not only acting

you should have done it as jason jason the asthmatic oh and he does it in character oh i'll tell you what we've got to talk about what about um simone cowell oh i know he's not a friend of the show's status No, but we have mentioned him a lot We do But this is a subject quite dear to your heart, Frank Because I know you live in abject fear of people with halitosis Well, I just think it's a much more common problem I meet at least eight people a day with bad breath Let's call them the halitotions

Yeah Not on Saturday mornings, we should point out Interestingly Exactly And I always beg my friends, please tell me if ever you pick up any on me, I want to know. But it is very, very common, and that is why I have patented the Odorita's Yashmak.

Oh, yeah. Which, you know, it's a veil that comes just above the nose, and obviously you can't put it on people with bad breath. That would be cruel. What it is, if you're talking to someone with bad breath, it comes across on an almost invisible curtain rail and just goes across your face. Oh, that's good.

And just shields you. A bit like that burger thing that we talked about once upon a time. Yeah, the burger. We should say, for readers that aren't aware of this news story, Oh, yeah. Oh, yes.

Simone Cowell's association with Bad Breath is that he was photographed this week in a limo, which I love because it's so 70s

to have a limo. What celebrities have limos now? He does. I bet he's got a jacuzzi as well. Pull over here, Derek.

I've got a problem. In the limo. To be honest, I've got a problem with that. Because if he does worry about his breath, have you seen any in chewing gum that is bad breath? Yeah, CB12, we should say. CB12 chewing gum, which replaces zinc.

Is that the nicest name they could come up with for chewing gum? CB12. It sounds a bit like a steroid. Could have called it zinc. He'd buy it straight from the laboratory. Laboratory gone, yeah. That doesn't work. But of all... Can't they come up with something else? Steroid? They could have called it Zinky Boy. Zinky into your... Straight from the laboratory. Laboratory walk on the air. That's not working. But of all...

Can't they come out with something else better? Of all the ways to travel, if you have got stinky breath, like limo, where the windows have to be shut and... I know, but stretch limo, and it means you're a nice distance away. Stretch limo. Who has that? The drivers behind the glass. Well, women in Essex, or...

Actually, not women in Essex. That's a terrible stereotyping thing to say. Yeah, exactly. People on hen nights, I'm going to say that. Really? Which isn't at all stereotyping. But they do tend to have stretch limos. You should travel by bicycle, shouldn't you?

Yeah. Or motorbike to get a bit of a gust of wind going past that breath. I'll tell you something, though. It's something I've... I've spoken to a few powerful men in my time. You know, those sort of powerful men. Oh, I know, the captain of industry type. And they often have bad breath.

It's almost like... Why is that? I think they've developed deliberately bad breath because they know people are so intimidated they just have to stand and take it. And they enjoy watching them suffer. And people always ask them for money, so it's a deterrent. I can't name any names, but I've met...

I don't mean just the famous. I mean that certain sort of powerful man who you feel has... Alpha men, yes. And, yeah, you know when you get really bad breath from someone, you don't just smell it, it sort of gets on your chest. Oh, it's awful. Can we distinguish between... You know when you're in a house fight

and you have to get low to the floor to get onto the smoke? Sometimes I speak to them on all fours. Just to get underneath the jet, because, you know, the hot air rises. Do you think someone said something to Simone, though? Like Louis Walsh. He strikes me as a bit... I think he's someone who thinks he's someone who can speak oh yeah out to side oh he thinks but one day you'll misjudge that and that'll be the end of louis walsh on television

also i think he'd get the message across in a very sneaky way i think he'd put a packet of polos in the secret santa he wouldn't be obvious about it also if if room service suddenly burst in and louis walsh is on all fours in front of Simon Cowell. I mean, that's going to look awful. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I think, isn't this all

partly down to, you know, people who get too close when they're talking to you as well. Oh, I hate those. I hate those people. Space invaders, they call them, don't they? Oh, do they? Yeah. There's a thing in the World Cup now that when they... The World Cup? In the World Cup.

And Nancy, shut up for one minute. And what they do know is when they, in case you haven't seen any games, when they march the wall back to make sure they're 10 yards, the referee takes out a white spray and sprays a line. There was a brilliant bit last night when he sprayed a bit on a footballer's boot.

Like this Dutch guy was going, hey, it's on my nice fancy boots. I'm sponsored to wear it, really. I like the white spray. it's very close on the ground i thought that'd be very good if you get people particularly the bad breath people you draw a line and they walk they talk to you from that you could use toothpaste just as an extra hint oh that's good yeah i'm going to start carrying a big tube of colgate and just doing that if anyone's a bit stinky basically though if though, if you're talking to someone, if they offer you gum or polos at any point,

it's like, it's no different to handing over concealer to someone with a spot. Yes. It's basically saying you've got bad breath, isn't it? Do you think it is? Is it? This is like the deodorant in the Secret Santa thing. Yeah.

Yeah. Why would you suddenly make a conversation? Honestly, anyone listening, if you ever meet me and I've got bad breath... Just feel free to tell. I mean, I couldn't have done this, because I used to meet a lot of fans first thing in the morning, as they were. And then you got excuses.

But tell me... Yeah, we should say first thing in the morning is allowed, and after a spicy meal... We should all... I just think we should all tell each other. Just say, when you meet the powerful man say sorry i know you're a powerful man but whoa there's a bit of a you're a powerful man you're not a dragon and then i think people would surely they'd be grateful ultimately

see i think i've got a different coping strategy for this and that is every now and again in my life i'll admit i've felt like i've got bad breath and what i do is i just try and really i don't know about you but i feel relieved i really enjoy it i just i try and finally got through i did i don't know i had another hint in me we've done this about four times on the show yeah yeah that's come up a lot what do you think, Alan? I think it's worth just trying to enjoy it. I mean, have you ever puzzled you that we burn the phone covers from your microphone at the end of the show?

And boy, do they flare up. See, I'm pretty confident that I don't very often because of my own... No, I've never smelt it on you. Because of my stature. Even first thing in the morning hour. It's a little bit Louis Walsh. I started as a fan. Yeah, exactly. They all do.

Because of my stature, I'm pretty sure that I don't because I think if I tower over people, if I was honking of breath, I'd be wiping out. That's a weapon of mass destruction. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't mean you don't have it. My in-laws, I could vaporise the whole family in one gathering. Do you know what, though?

You've got the height. It's lovely. I think you can get away with pretty much anything. Yeah, just look up and talk. I'll tear rises, so they're missing... Yeah, you can get away with it. Yeah, it's all right, isn't it? You can have it a different stratosphere to the rest of us psychos going for that chewing gum i'd find the idea of uh chewing gum that fixes bad breath

a bit of a like hold the front page really he's got cb12 as well and zinc why is it why is it zinc like surely that's in a food stuff he could He could just have some almonds. You can just take zinc. Yeah. You know, madam. No, but you can't. Again, lovely little piece of advice for Alan there. No, but you can just take zinc tablets. Alan.

Oh. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Do you know where you haven't been in quite some time? Oh, yes. There is somewhere that I haven't been around. I think we need to have a wander. Email corner. Ah, the twang of the sitar. I was saying to the old DG.

First up, we have Craig Dealey, Prisoner 777. OK. I bet they call him Cat. I bet his mates call him Cat for a laugh. Oh, yeah. He says, hi, long-time reader, first-time writer. I have an idea for Frank, inspired by his Just Desserts thoughts. I know, I should say, because this is going back a bit now, I suppose.

I had an idea for a restaurant called Possibly Just Desserts, or Just Sell Desserts, or Je Suis. Je Suis. Makes me feel physically ill every time you say it. Combines je suis with I am. With I, I am. Thus, such is my involvement in dessert that they are me in some way and I am them. And it's the fact that Frank thinks je suis is brilliant.

I think it's brilliant. Yeah. I'm not making any sort of secret of that. Anyway, Craig suggests Frank teams up with chef Rick Stein and sets up a restaurant, as my parents would say, restaurant. Yeah. Which only serves giant-sized portions. Oh, I'm in. This could be called Frankenstein's Monster Meals.

Brilliant. I'd have thought Frankenstein's monsters would have covered it. Okay. Just a little, Eddie. That sounds like a fun park or something. Frankenstein's monsters. He's saying you're still opening a cafe or a restaurant.

What do you think? Restaurant, please. It's a bit small, isn't it? This fun park with tables in it and people eating. That's his point, though. If you put meals in the title, you're not luring people in with different expectations. You don't want to come in expecting a rollercoaster and then get a jacket potato. What happened there has been ironic.

Wouldn't that be a genuinely nice surprise? If I thought I was heading for a rollercoaster and I got a jacket potato, I'd be a blessed relief. Oh, thank God for that. I thought I'd be sick. Craig Dealey then adds, no night's move from me. As a 51-year-old civil servant, I couldn't even keep Emily's butler

in the style to which she was accustomed, let alone the lady herself. More importantly, I'm happily married. Well, it's fine, Craig, because I've got a boyfriend. Yeah, exactly. Civil servant. Well, I like the sound of you, Craig,

if that doesn't work out. Maybe you and I could chat. I don't know if this joke's out of date. Remember that joke, what does a civil servant have for lunch? About an hour and 45 minutes. Is that still... Is that considered a long lunch?

Yeah. Oh, okay. It is, yes. In the real world. I know, isn't it? Oh, okay. It is, yes. In the real world. I know, don't tell them. I thought maybe having a restaurant for old people, because I think it was specifically aimed at old people. Oh, yeah.

Called Nango's. Because you're Nango's to it. Yeah, we know. Yeah, yeah. I think that's your best idea. May I say, it's significantly better than Je Suites. Yeah, we know. I think that's your best idea. May I say, it's significantly better than Je Suis. Yeah, well you could have, and also

you could have, you know you get on a table, you get salt and pepper and maybe ketchup in it. In 1974, yeah. Yeah, so you could have salt and pepper on the table and a blender. Oh, yeah. Lovely. Yeah. For the man. And all the food, it could be proper old people's food and they wouldn't be threatened that there'd be somebody loud and horrible in there, you Lovely. Yeah. For the nan. And all the food, it could be proper old people's food

and they wouldn't be threatened that there'd be somebody loud and horrible in there, you know. Yeah. You'd have to have something instead of the black card for nangos, wouldn't you? The grey card. Oh, lovely. Clearly. That makes absolute sense. I could be a stocking filler.

Let's see. Hey. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

131 has said Hi team, I live in Hitchin and there is a restaurant called Just Desserts and they only serve desserts What happened was I came up with Just Desserts and someone texted in and said there's one called Just Desserts and so I came up with my masterpiece Just Sweets Funnily enough, no one has texted in and said there's one called Just Desserts. And so I came up with my masterpiece, Je Suites.

Funnily enough, no one has texted in and said, oh, there is a Je Suites. Yeah, funny, though. But no, it seems this one is going all right. Yeah. We've had another email on a similar topic, actually. It's not about Je Suites. Hey, team! It's entitled with an exclamation mark which

sounds buoyant. Oh I like that, it's quite CBeebies presenter. Hey team. Yeah but it's good in the morning. Yeah I like that. Hey I feel like we are the hey team and I'm owling mad Murdoch. There we go. Okay. Dropping the H's, swapping around. This came to me about two weeks too late, but I thought I'd share it anyway. If Je Sweets takes off... Go on, get in! Get in! Get in!

It's that football song, it's gone right to his head. Perhaps you could make a Third Reich-themed restaurant where starters aren't mandatory, just following hors d'oeuvres. Now, I have to say this is a brilliant joke. But it's one that I think I did on the show about two years ago. Oh. Did you?

Because, do you remember, I went to a Viennese themed restaurant. Oh, yeah. And I said I was just following hors d'oeuvres because it was... I'm not condemning it. Yeah, but I think they've just thought of it. I think Brett's thought of it himself. You think Brett has thought it up himself? I think he has thought it up himself. But this is my living.

I have to stand up for what's right. Just saying, it's a brilliant tale. Great minds think alike, is what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah, well done, Brett. Well done, Brett, and well done, Alan, on reading Ord Herbs and not getting it wrong. You know, like a Descartes moment.

Well done, Alan, for reading just Swedes and having to endure thanks and get in. Yeah but the, I don't know if you're going to it's a go or either a third right seemed. Why not? No possibly not. Why not? Because every time you called the waiter over it would look like a salute wouldn't it?

My hair at the moment is longer than it's been for many times. I like it. It's so long, I've had to sweep it to one side, and it has gone a bit. It has a bit. It has gone a bit, Mein Fuhrer.

A bit downfall parody on YouTube. It has gone a bit if things had worked out better for Mein Fuhrer. Yeah, and I was just finishing a bottle of water, and I had the plastic top in my mouth, and I sort of bit it so that it went upwards and covered my central lip and it really did look like her. And although, of course, he was a terrible man, it did make me laugh, the image of it.

Anyway, I was doing a gig in, I think it was in Watford, and David Baddiel's mum came. Oh, did she? Now, David Baddiel's mum came. Oh, did she? Now David Baddiel's mum, let us not forget, although I did completely, was a refugee during the war. Yes, I remember. Her family had to, she was a baby in arms, I think, and her family had

to flee to England. And I am still very pleased with this impression to everyone. There was about six or seven people in the room. I said, what do you think of my hair? And they said, it's alright. And I said, yeah, but what about if I do this?

And Dave's mum said, Frank, you know how I feel about that. It's such a fabulous understatement. As if she's the only one. Such a brilliant understatement. Respect to her. Love to Sarah Fabian Baddiel.

Oh. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still in the corner, aren't we? Oh, yeah, we're still in the corner.

Okay. Nobody puts... Carry on. I have a missive through from Tom Lavender. What a brilliant name Tom Lavender is. Lovely. He's from Sunderland. He's equally lovely.

He says, hello, Frank and the gang. On your podcast a couple of weeks ago, where you referred to food outlets with puns in their name in reference to Frank's great idea of a restaurant that serves only desserts, you mentioned Olly Murs. Do you say Murs? I don't say it, but if you did say it, yeah, it was Murs. I like the fact that you looked at me as if you're always saying Olly Murs do you say Murs? I don't say it but if you did say it I like the fact that you looked at me

you're always saying Olly Murs Alan why don't you give us the pronunciation I think him and Harry Stiles he was mentioning the context that me and him are doing a documentary about building a Catholic church in the Antarctic if you remember which is called

Frank Incense and Merse. It makes me stress how long it takes to get to it. There was a gold in there as well. I'm sure there was frankincense. Oh, there was gold in there. Oh, that makes me even more stressed. Gold frankincense. That's what it was about.

If Olly Merse was to open up a fish and chip shop, I would recommend that he call it Right Place, Right Time in reference to his third song and recent single. We should just say that he's spelling place, P-L-A-I-C-E, there. We should just say that we're not familiar with his third song. No, I should say that I'm rarely proud to not get a joke. But on this occasion... Frank, how do you think it goes, Right Place, Right Time?

How do you think it goes, Right Place, Right Time? So it's the right place, the right time for love. But I'm all alone without you. I think it goes a bit like that. It's a song of loneliness, isn't it? It is, yeah, that's what it's about. It's beautiful, really. I love how poignant you made it he's had three singles you see i think it's much more upbeat and sexy i think it's rad players rad term no maybe okay let's go i don't know i don't know

what one would qualify as mersey and mersey side um um in more he's had three singles. How did that happen? And all of them wearing a hat, a personality hat. Someone told me that he was the most successful of the talent show artists. Oh, what about Will Young? Yeah, I thought it was hearsay.

Oh. I don't think it's Olly Murs who wears the hat, you see. No, he wears hats. No, I think that's that other bloke. No, it's Olly Murs. Daisy, doesn't Olly Murs wear hats? What other bloke?

Trilby, yeah. What other bloke are you thinking of? We know what happens when they wear hats. Samuel L. Jackson. Just Kangols backwards. Tommy Cooper. Loads of people wear hats. Was it the Pope? Yeah.

He wears hats. Anyway. He wears a hat. He rarely wears more than one at the same time. What Olly Murs should do is open a drinking establishment and call it Murs Bar. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Hey! Tom Lavender goes on to say, in more recent times you discussed briefly on last week's show what Emily's stand-up tour would be like. If she were to do one, I would definitely want to watch it and listen to all her showbiz stories and adventures in the world of fashion. I suggest that Dean there done that.

That's a good title, yeah. That's a really good title. He also says if I need something to do in the Yorkshire leg of the tour, he would like to do a night's move. You could have a lavender relationship. I should say lavender relationship is the old-fashioned term for when...

I like... Anyway. I like what he continues to say. If Emily would like to join me on a trip to the Peak District where I will prepare a lovely picnic and we can watch the sunset. All right, Enid Blyton. I think he's peaked too early. Yeah.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That's the best I've ever done it.

Yeah, that was really good. It was Tarant-esque. It was slick. It was so slick. I'm really pleased with that. Occasionally, you know, I feel like a pro. Do you think if we played three lines every week, you'd just feel in the zone?

I don't know if they've done that. A lot of people have felt very emotional about that, including your manager. Oh, I tell you, you know, we were talking about... Is it 20 quid, I guess? Most figures to sound. No, he talks about units, your manager. No, he does, he does.

We were debating over whether Olly Murs wore a hat. Do you remember I said he wore a hat? Yeah, and I think that was that other bloke who looks like Olly Murs. Well, the other bloke, Louise Grant, has tweeted us. No, I'd remembered if he had a girl's name. Louise Grant has tweeted and said, do you mean Matt Cardle, Frank? Matt Cardle?

Yeah, he's the bloke in the hat. He had a sort of Pete Seeger folky cap. Well, actually... Well, he did wear a hat, but Olly Murs also wears a hat. I hate to throw another spanner in the works, but 312 has texted saying, Frank, it's Pharrell Williams that wears the hat. So it turns out there's a lot of hats wearers.

No, it was Pharrell Williams mixed up with... No! It was Cardle. I'm just putting it out there. I like the way you're calling him cardle. Also, FYI, there's room for more than one hat wearer on a talent show. Is there though? I don't know if that's true.

I think that, you know, you get your thing and then you stick with it. Yeah, but your thing can't be wearing hats, can it? That's not like someone's thing. I think it can be. It's amazing, you know. Your thing is like when you go to school and you go, right, from now on I'm the yo-yo guy. Everyone knows that I'm carrying a yo-yo.

That's my thing. Cardle said, I'm going to wear a hat on there. Yeah, but then everyone can go, no, hats are a functional bit of clothing. We all wear hats when the mood takes us. Indoors, under bright lights, they're not. You're wearing it for personality. You know, it's like Gargoyle said,

I'm going to be like the fancy dress celebrity. Yes. Yeah, they make a decision like that. That's the thing, isn't it? But hats are too functional and commonplace. And, um, okay. So Cardle can keep the hat and all the rest have to get a yo-yo. That's what I'm saying.

I think we've established that now. Can you two stop talking about hats? You brought up Cardle. Yeah, I know. Um, oh, I'll tell you what about chico time no no they're there somewhere they've got they've got a thing what was his thing i don't even afford a hat expensive are they no i think it's a thing to look at his wrist so he was wearing a carpet remnant on his head he got free from that one. He just ripped it out of the sample book.

Poor, poor, poor devil. Poor devil? Tell you what. Poor devil. Sorry, I'll tell you, I want to talk to you about this terrible story. Alan's completely lost it now, right? What?

Because you referred to Chico as poor devil. Well, I think, you know... Let's be honest, he's rather strange. No, well, I think anyone... I mean, it's a strange way to refer to him. Well, he was massive, wasn't he, for a fortnight? And I always, you know, everyone in show business lives in fear that the light could suddenly go off, if you know what I mean.

Yeah. I'm not talking about death, if you know what I mean. Yeah. I'm not talking about death, I'm talking about much worse than that. The fall from fame? The fall from fame. Poor devil. I mean, as it is, I'm hanging on to that. I'm dangling from the ledge. I don't think you can say that about your career, and it's pomp.

You've played your own song, and you've just done Doctor Who. Yeah, and you've got that lovely Paisley shirt. I was being modest, obviously. And you're setting up your suites, which is your pension plan. Yeah, I've moved into that area. You've got it all sorted. I'm going to play some music now.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. What about the root texture? We haven't talked about that this morning. Or the well-known network. We can't name them. Can we name them, Daisy? I don't think we can.

They'll just replace us with Whitesnake playing endlessly if we name them. I think it's all right, isn't it? It's the network. Is it? It's the colour of Judith Sharma's pillow. It's orange. I don't see why you can't name them. I don't think it was an official act.

It was obviously a bit of a... One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch. Of oranges. Yeah. Is that how it works? Yeah, I think it's the bananas, isn't it? If they emit a gas, that means you keep them separately. Oh, I love this regional greengrocer sitcom I've stumbled into.

She had an unusually high bill. Yes. Of... I see a goose. Of £110. Okay. Apparently that's a lot. Yeah.

I wonder what my bills are. I must ask my personal assistant. Thanks. Sorry. Shall we try and connect with the listenership again? Yours have been a bit higher, thanks, since you got on the old chat roulette. Because I know you're a fan of that.

Yeah, indeed. Anyway, her boyfriend called to complain about the high bill and she got a text in response which said, you are so pathetic. This is from a company, from a mobile phone company. You are so pathetic, you can't pay your bill and you blame it other people can we just say that it's also so with several o's yes it just made me think of christian bill

well good for you oh dear well as i say in in orange's defense i don't think i'd certainly they wouldn't claim this as official no i. This is a rogue in the organisation. I like it. I have to say, people criticise these big organisations for being impersonal. Exactly. When they get personal, they don't like it. Yeah.

You just can't please some people, can you? And actually, I think we should have more emotional engagement from gadgets. Like, I think your phone should say to you, are you sure you want to delete this number? You have been drinking. You know, that sort of thing. Yeah.

There should be a little bit of, like, you know... Well, you've got Siri. Yeah, I haven't got Siri. I don't know how to work Siri. You've got Siri. I think it's come on accidentally. You Siri-eriot. Oh, God.

I like a bit of attitude back from these people. Do you? Yeah. I think you're right. I like it because otherwise they're just reading the script. I'd much rather they had a little personality they had. Much better. Well, I expect a certain amount of polite.

I mean, there's a little company that I'm not even familiar with and they've been genuinely, I mean, really caring about me. I had no idea that I could claim back this PPI. Oh, yeah. But, you know, they regularly keep me updated on it and they're not going to let it slip. It slipped my mind a few times, but now they're back again

as a reminder. I really feel they're like guardian angels. And apparently I was in an accident in the last three years. And I don't even remember that. And they're there for me. Was it at work, the accident, perhaps? I can't remember.

I don't remember it at all. I mean, I need to ask them for details. But they've been like a real wingman to me. You know, they're there and looking out. So, you know, a lot of these companies, they're very caring. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Do you know we've spoken in the past on here about town criers, that peculiar phenomenon. Oh, yeah.

I love a TC. I don't mean those women with big toilet paper hats sit down with L plates on on a Friday night. No. I love him, yeah, I love him. I don't mean those sort of town criers. They're more like townie criers, aren't they? I mean, oh, yes, oh, yes. Oh, yay.

Oh, yay. I was at home and I heard one in the street. One actually walked up my street. I still don't quite understand. You sure it wasn't David Baddiel? No, no, it was definitely... Yeah. He'll do anything to finance that music.

But he... This bloke walked up the street and he was doing... It sounded... When I heard the bell and someone shouting, my first thought was obviously the plague. Oh, yeah, of course, like anyone's would be. It was always so important. I thought it was a ring out, you're dead.

But luckily, he was a sort of local town crier, I think. Oh, lovely. Did he have a black buckle shoe? They love a black buckle shoe. He had the gear. But it sounded very much like he was, and I'm not making this up, like he was shouting, OJ, OJ. I thought, well, he's either doing soft drinks

or the Bronco's back on the road, the white Bronco. And OJ has struck again. It's on the loose. But the problem is I never heard exactly what his pronouncement was. So even now... What sort of thing do they say then, TCs? Well, they announce the birth of royal babies. That's all we've got from recent times.

Oh, we've got Sky News for that. But they used to do, like, local news, you know. Are they basically Sky News in a frock coat? That's their function. Man brags leg in local lift shaft. That kind of thing that you get on news things. So you're left with this cliffhanger that you walk past and you don't know of. What a bizarre thing though, a town crier.

You realise they weren't designed for people who were up on the top floor, because there were no top floors really at that time. Very few. It's a good point you raise. Thank you, I'm quite pleased because we make so little architectural

points. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I know you can't give away much of the plot of your recent Doctor Who episode, but I would wager at some point in the next series there will be that... I'm not saying it's a trope, but, you know, when someone's looking at a computer screen and it goes all sort of blizzardy, like... Oh, yeah.

It's a sci-fi thing, isn't it? Like, someone's about to beam a message. Oh, yes. I've actually got a problem with my laptop at the moment that it just does that sporadically anyway. Oh, you think a supervillain's about to come on it... I keep thinking that. ..and say that the world is...

Oh, yeah. But, sadly, what it is is it's just that I've got a laptop that's broken. It's defective. And one of my coping strategies... Why don't you buy a new one, darling? Well... I don't think you really need to ask that, do you? I will get around to it. But at the moment, what I've been doing instead is, as I'm using my laptop, I sort of stick my thumb onto the screen and squeeze a little bit

and I've developed a little bit of a feel for it. You know when you do that? If it goes really bad I can pull it back and forth. When you do it to a laptop screen you get that slight bruise. Oh, I love the bruise. That short term bruise it gets. The bruise is phenomenal. I've been doing that a lot and occasionally it'll just get too full on

and I'll have to turn the computer off and come back to it in a few minutes. But most stand-up, I write pen and paper anyway, so it's not really affecting much except emailing. Did you have a pair of National Health glasses in the 80s with sellotape in the middle? No, but had I worn glasses, I'm sure I would have remedied them. It's the same principle, though, isn't it? Definitely.

I write most stand-up with pen and paper. Do you, Frank? Something about it coming from the inner core. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, so it's not really... In a diary, Frank writes it from 2004. Sometimes I do.

Yeah, I don't like to waste anything. I know. I mean, it's really affected my email conversations and me looking at eBay. But other than that, it's not having a massive impact on my life but i am interested in kind of what we make do with because my mum is uh at my house right now and i had to explain making do with her you always fancy the better mom

it's not the mom you dreamt of she'll be fine um but i did have to say to her look to get the back door open you have to sort of unlock it and yank it towards you until you hear like a... And then the same with the bolts at the top. You sort of have to give it a shuggle. I used some Glasgow dialect to help out. I have to say, for all the modern advances in technology, people, the key unlock has never truly been mastered.

Almost every... You have to pull it... You have to lean on it and then... You know what I mean? You'd think it'd be a simple thing. Seems old-fashioned as well. It's strange though, isn't it, how you start making do with these things and then somebody else comes along and you realise, oh, God, yeah, we've got that. Our kitchen cupboards, the handles have started to fall off. One or two of them have come off. And my wife... I feel like we're in a coffee morning now. I quite like it.

My wife, who does the majority of the DIY in our house, says, I can't get them to go back on. And so there's one of them where she's just put some string through a hole in the kitchen cupboard door. There's just a piece of string. That's how we open the cupboard door.

I mean, God knows how much bacteria there is on that bit of string. It seems like too much to ask the cleaners to boil the strings on the doors, doesn't it? I am What about when I didn't change the lightbulb in my toilet for about six months? It was like Russian roulette every time I went in there You've just got to feel for it I like to know I've done the job properly

Was that pre or post the iPhone torch? Once the seat was down Anyway, we can come back to this, I think. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're talking about your door string. I'm glad you're thinking about it, because we haven't had any texts about my having to make do

with strings on the wardrobe doors, cupboard doors. You see, I have that sometimes in the bedroom area, if I'm honest. No, I'm just saying, stop me if you find this difficult to talk about. OK. I have a pair of pants. Stop. Just the one? I'm still fine with it.

I'm quite attached to them. Yeah. I've had them a while. You've had this with pants, Frank, haven't you? Not your pants. Can I make that absolutely clear in case anyone's misconstruing? They're very delicate and fine fabric. Oh, I know.

It's easy. I think one can get emotionally attached to articles of clothing, certainly. We've been through a lot together. What I will say about them now at this stage, the front area and the back area, they're barely on speaking terms. They're about to fall out for good.

Are you saying these are no longer fit for purpose but you're keeping them for... Framing. I can't bring myself to say goodbye to them. Well, as Bon Jovi says, never say goodbye. I don't think he was singing

about some old pants. No, but you must have that with articles of clothing, not necessarily undergarments. Yeah, but I'm going to ask the big question. Do you still wear them or are they just around for... Occasionally, if I get desperate.

Okay. Well, I... I've got... Here's the thing. When I left Doctor Who, I don't know if I mentioned, you know... You've recently done Doctor Who, haven't you? When I left Doctor Who, you were in it for 25 years as a regular. Exactly.

Don't build your part up. Noobed on with his career. It's like when Tom Baker left. That's the way I see it. When I left Doctor Who. Yeah. They didn't even ask for a regeneration. I just left. That's the way I see it. When I left Doctor Who. Yeah. They didn't even ask for a regeneration. I just left.

But they gave me my chair, the back of my chair. You know when you sit on those directors' chairs? Oh, like the directors' chairs. So it's got Frank Skinner on one side and the Doctor Who thing and logo on the other. Did you pull it back? There was loads of other names underneath. No, happily. No.

There was loads of other names underneath. No, happily. No. But, so I got, I got home and I've put it on the back of a chair, but those director's chairs are quite wide. Oh, no. So it's just, it's hanging limply on the back of a much narrower, it looks like it's pronouncing sentence of death. You know, when they put those things, it's like Chico with his remnant.

All right. It's just sitting on the... And that's my version of making do. Oh, is it? You're Frank Skinner, director's chair. No, you need to buy a proper chair for that. Well, I'm thinking I might buy a chair to fit the bear. Why can't they just give you the chair?

Don't ask him. He won't even replace his computer. You know what else? I have to stoop in my own shower. We've got an en suite shower and I have to stoop in it. Well, what are you up to in there? Because I'm big. And most people would go,

oh, we need to get this redone, don't we, so that I can stand up straight. Actually, accumulated, all of this sounds like I should move, doesn't it? I should just put the house on the market and get a different one. Well, I think, I just think that, you know, don't, if you ain't completely and utterly broke,

don't fix it. It's time they redid that phrase, isn't it? Did I ever tell you when I had singing lessons with a woman called Tona DeBrett? Have I told you this story? I love Tona DeBrett. Tona DeBrett was a very posh, very, I mean, she was an older lady, but very posh.

And they said, when you meet Tony, you'll find that she's the biggest name dropper you'll ever meet in your life. And I said, look, I've met some pretty big name droppers. You said, I've met Emily Dean. Exactly. And so I got to the house, and she struggled a bit. The door was really stiff.

And she opened... I'd never met her before. She finally opened the door and said, I'm terribly sorry, that door's never been the same since Benny Hill used it for a sketch. I hadn't even got in. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

We were talking about making, I tell you something I do, is when my shoes... You know shoes finally collapse and split at the sole and all that? You really... Yeah, but you give them a good life. I do. You really do. I'm from the 1920s. I think it's fair to say Frank's shoes get a good innings.

I wear them until they can be almost worn no more, certainly externally. But what I do is I tend to keep those shoes and wear them just around the house and in the garden. Oh, your garden shoes. You wear them with a tracksuit pant. I wear them with the nearest thing I can pick up. So they get like a little extra. They get an addendum at the end of their lives. And you look quite mad wandering around the garden in dress shoes.

I've got some really falling apart ones. Have you? Recently I sat in the garden in a pair, just holding a hungry and homeless sign, just to show my son some of the other stratas of society. Next week I'm going to get bad breath for the rich and powerful man. I liked your idea of wearing a suit for gardening. Did you follow through with that, or have you been too busy?

No, it's been too hot for the suit, but I will totally do it. God, I mowed the lawn yesterday, and at half-time... Did you? Yeah, I mowed the lawn at half-time in Spain and Amsterdam, although it was getting quite dark by then. I went out and had another look at it. Nice. What, the lawn?

I had a pitch inspection. Nice. I looked at it with genuine pride. Were you pleased with it? You didn't get one of those big spikes. I was pleased with it. Really? Oh, good. Did you spray a little white line on it?

It's an incredibly... I wasn't that excited. But it was really... I was really proud of it. Oh, I'm so pleased, Frank. I must say. It's a great, it's a very satisfying thing, mowing the lawn. Oh, lovely. I should do more of that.

Oh, we must have been here in the end now. It started so badly today. I arrived, I arrived. What about when I was ten minutes late? And Daisy and Charlie were here at work on the show. Oh, yeah. And I obviously hadn't seen them for three weeks because I'd been away. And I said, you two look great.

I mean, really amazing. And then, perhaps on Wednesday, I said, in my memory, you must be much rougher than you actually are. So I've come back and now... But it was a sort of, I suppose, a sort of a compliment. I mean, imagine had it been the other way around. You're actually quite attractive in my memory, but it turns out... No, but it was, as I said it said it I thought I don't know if that was quite correct

but anyway it has been absolutely it's great to be back I love this show and I love you people and I love

our readers you know what I love most of all life I also love one of those pills apparently I love Andy Bush.

I know, live. Live. Andy Bush is live from the Isle of Wight Festival next, so that's pretty exciting. Lovely. Good old Andy Bush. And thank you so much for listening. If the good Lord spares us, we'll be back again.

And the cricks don't rise. We'll be back. I forgot my ending. That's how long I've been away. We'll be back again next week, so get out. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.