The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Berlusconi Love Songs

Episode Date: November 19, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun discuss the current series of I'm A Celebrity, Berlusconi's album of love songs and toast sandwiches.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with the cockerel, Alan Cochran. I can't reach the jingle from here. Oh, that's all right. I can't reach the jingle from here. It wouldn't be a bad autobiography title. Well, that's because you've got your constricting cad file hoodie on. That's true. And you can tell by that slightly catty remark that Emily has returned.

Hi. She's back. Already, fashion is in the air. And you can tell by that slightly catty remark that Emily has returned as well. Hi. Yes, she's back. Already, fashion is in the air. There's been a comment on my clothing. So, yeah, if you want to text us about anything at all, what might it be that you'd wanted to text us about? The rise of the house brick in medieval England.

You can text us on 8-12-15. That is the sort of stuff we can get drawn into isn't it it is I hope so I don't know where they came from was it Wattle and Dorb in the early days what a doblet they were I saw them at the Wood Green Empire

in 1956 they were funny oh yeah massive so yeah you boys have been busy this week God, they were funny. R. Keith was a big fan of theirs. Oh, yeah, massive. So, yeah, we're here, we're settled. Well, you boys have been busy this week. I've been watching you both. We've been doing that thing. See, when I'm on this show,

I'm very wary of talking about my television activities. I always feel a bit like... Yeah? Yeah, I feel like... You do that every week, though. Yeah, I know, but it's... I tell you what it's like. It's like being a philosophy student

who does lap dancing in the evenings. Right. It's that this, to me, seems like a very respectable pastime, being on the radio. There's something squalid about being on television. Something about, hey, look at me. Yes.

Oh, you say that like it's a bad thing. Yeah, yeah. Obviously, you can embrace that as a lifestyle, but I still struggle with it but this week um i do i have a show um on uh on bbc2 called opinionated and um one of my guests was um the cockerel this week in case you didn't see it who i never referred to as the cockerel at any point noted i felt it was a bit like being introduced to you know when you're at work say and you're having an affair with there'll be lots of people in this situation

listening trying desperately not to nod at the radio yeah there'll be people listening with their partners who are in this situation and you know i don't want to you know you are and your partner suspects who you are but you know when you're at work and you're having the affair but the person has to be just like they're just another person so you behave in a very casual way, you don't know them that well kind of manner that's what me and the cocker were like on television

we were friendly but we weren't over familiar I certainly never referred to the poultry aspect of his nickname I was very proud of you both I felt like a yummy mummy at the school gates I certainly never referred to the poultry aspect of his nickname. Yeah. I was very proud of you both. I felt like a yummy mummy at the school gates. Oh.

Oh, so did I, actually. When I was at the school gates the other day, I thought it would cause too much of a kerfuffle. Yeah, it was nice to have Alan on. He had a better dressing room than me. I did. How did that happen? Well, Marcy, the woman who was doing the clothes, said... Wardrobe, we called them, dear, in television.

Not the woman who was doing the clothes. Sounds like we have someone into the washing. That's my title. No, she came in to talk to me about my shirts and said... Can I note the plural there? Yeah, I brought several because of strobing. You know, it's difficult to guess something right. Anyway, she said, have you got somewhere to hang them?

And she looked and saw that there was a bar in the room. You had a bar in your room? I wish. A clothes-hanging bar. And she went, oh, your dressing room's better than frank's he's hasn't got anywhere to hang there was literally mine was four blank wall she came in with my suit for the show and she had to lay it across the chair see what what's happening when the guy whose name is in the show title has got a worse dressing room than the um hired puppet for a night well i wouldn't

want to call you that for one second. And also you were there for a slightly controversial moment on the show. The one moment when it went a bit radio show, I thought, was when I called a spontaneous phone-in, which I've never done on the show before. I think it's because you were there.

Because there aren't that many phone-ins on telly on that time of the night you know it's very much a the right stuff kind of a thing but we were talking um the subject of proposals came up i have to handle it handle this very uh carefully and i was we're talking about going down on one knee yes as a proper and i have asked if um if dwarves did that. And I said, has it, you know, Thursday night is dwarf night on BBC Two. And then I said, and this was, I didn't mean any harm in this at all. I just said, do dwarves have knees?

I mean, it just came to me in a flash. And then I said, you know, that's this week's phoning, which is exactly what I do on the radio show. But then after a thought, I thought, of course, well, of course they do. But, you know, at the time, the pressure was on. Anyway, I got a bit of, I got told off and it didn't go out. You got told off? Yeah, and it was caught.

Probably for the best, because when I look back on it, it looked a bit more unkind than I meant it. To me, it was a genuine scientific inquiry. It's not like it's a controversial topic at the moment that's getting people in trouble, so I wouldn't worry about it. No, but that was my whole point was in the context, the satirical context of following a show that everyone's talking about, you know, with a show that no-one's talking about.

I thought I'd set myself as a poor relation. But anyway, that didn't go out, so I'm all right. Unfortunately, anyway... You broadcast it now. Yeah, but I don't think I would have said the phone-in bit if you hadn't been there. It put me in slight radio mode. But, oh, I don't know about you, but I'm happier here.

Well, you know, I'm not sure. Yeah. I'm just generally... He's not sure. When you're worried about strobing shirts, how can you be funny? Oh, yeah, I'm not sure. Yeah. I'm just generally... He's not sure. When you're worried about strobing shirts, how can you be funny? Oh, yeah, I'm not worried about that. No, not this morning.

No. We should explain what strobing is, but we're not going to. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Frank, we've heard from the outside world already. Beautiful. On 8-12-15? Well, actually, no.

Technically, it was an email. Oh, OK. But people can text in on 8-12-15. Well, actually, no. Technically, it was an email. OK. But people can text in on 8-12-15. You're so right. Frank, it's about a toast sandwich. It's from Simon, and it's really the cockerel, really. He says, dear Frank, Emily and Alan, knowing that Alan has a keen eye for all things frugal...

He does. I call him Frugal Sharky. Yeah, because I'm also quite predatory aren't I? Yeah, exactly Has he seen that the cheapest meal according to the Royal Society of Chemistry is a toast sandwich which is a slice of toast between two slices

of bread. There is apparently a prize of £200 for anyone who can come up with a cheaper meal and I wondered if he'd be up for the challenge. Regards, Simon. Yes, £200. Straight to me. Burgies.

They're free. It's a replenishable source. Oh, cockerel. £200. Where's the cheque? Send it. I've got a cheaper one. What about a piece of toast?

Yeah. One piece of toast. Well, then you don't need the bits of bread around it. I've already saved on two slices of bread. They can be toasted later and used for another two meals. Is it a really weird pointed difference between snack and meal? They're saying, oh, this is a meal, a toast sandwich. I suppose so.

Whereas toast presumably is just a snack. I think it's a meal. I think it's a dinner for two for the Olsen twins. You see, you probably assume that I'm a bit of a high-maintenance princess when it comes to food hold on just run that by me again i don't think assume i think we've got some empirical evidence but you might be wrong au contraire because the other night frank i had for my dinner four small falafel balls yeah but isn't that because you're on a sort of mad diet actually i think there's carbs

in those isn't there were carbs did your alarm go off no the carb alarm was silent i'm not going to seem to actually isn't falafel one of those things we think is healthy but isn't that yes i suspect you're right but four that's pretty good because that's let's say 3.99 a packet, while probably working out about 40p a falafel ball. How did, as a surfing suggestion goes, how did you serve four falafel balls on a plate? Just on the plate. In a row? Forming a circle? No, they were sort of moving about a bit, like it was a bowling alley. I couldn't get any purchase.

Oh, a sort of baguettelle approach. Yeah, you need more of a Did you use a spoon or a fork? I'm interested if I was to sit down. I used a finger. Oh. Finger and thumb. But no, it was a Spartan meal but I enjoyed it immensely

and I do sometimes, I quite like that. I'm proud of my cheapness. Yeah. I'll have this bread sandwich, toast sandwich. I don't know why they didn't just have a boiled egg and a bit of toast. That would have been cheap, wouldn't it? Would it have been cheaper than a... No, it doesn't.

Cheaper. Well, they're after the cheapest. It's a record attempt. They've gone so cheap there's no nutrients in there. At least with a boiled egg there's a bit of protein. I must say, it's quite carbs-heavy. It's very carbs-heavy. It reminds me of when I used to have mashed potato sandwiches.

That was quite carbs heavy, looking back. Dr Atkins would have thrown himself out of a six-floor window if he'd seen that. He's dead, is he, Dr Atkins? Yeah. I believe so, yeah. What killed him? He got fat and he died on a run, I think. You're joking.

No, no, I don't think... Dr Atkins got fat. I don't think you can ever suggest that he died as a result of the diet. I think that's quite important not to. I wasn't doing it. I was saying that he got fat when he died running. Can I say the Atkins diet is really, really good for you. We really recommend it.

It's great not eating any carbs at all so you can look thin and smell. But then you binge on a toast sandwich when you fall off. When my dad was in his periods of unemployment, we used to live on tomato ketchup sandwiches. Nice. Did you? Yeah, they were all right. I often think food, the food I eat,

is little more than a vehicle for pickle anyway. Is it? I tend to start with the pickle and think, what am I going to put under it? You know what I mean? Oh, I just fancy some pickle Lily what's it going to travel on on its way to my mouth

that's the way I think of it if anyone's got a suggestion for a cheaper meal than the toast sandwich I'd love to hear it maybe we'll even try it this morning what about that I always think one of my great inventions was I used to have a cheese sandwich with Brussels sprouts on.

So the Brussels sprouts slightly melt the cheese. What, hot Brussels sprouts? Hot Brussels sprouts, yeah. Nice. Not overdone, but they were... It was a lumpy sandwich. Sounds like a Boxing Day sandwich to me. Yeah.

It was a very lumpy sandwich. Biting through it was not dissimilar to what I imagine biting through Kermit's head. Would be like... I'm guessing. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Well, we've had some messages in from the people from 8, 12, 15. And we were asking for cheaper meals suggestions. We're after the cheap ones.

I can't remember what it is now, but some chemical institute are trying to find the cheapest possible meal. It's the Royal Society of Chemists, because I thought it was a bit weird, because it abbreviates to the RSC. Confusing. And they said it's a toast sandwich. I've gone for four falafel balls. You went for four falafel balls,

but that's a different phoning. And we had to... Why not just nick a pot noodle? That costs nothing from Mick in Reading, but he needs to realise there's no such thing as a victimless crime. Indeed. Could you have four falafel balls in the form of a Newton's cradle?

Was it? Or is that like a science thing? You know that thing that you let go and it clicks and then the other one shoots out? You could have the four falafel... I think it represents... Doesn't it represent Isaac Newton's theory of perpetual motion? It might do.

Yeah. Let's try it. You wouldn't get the nice clicking that you get with the metal ones i imagine falafel against falafel is yeah be like that but i'd be happy i'd like to creep into a businessman's office and do that i'd like to creep into a businessman's office anyway i wouldn't actually because as you know nothing makes me more anxious than those things what are the other text-ins? I can't read them because my computer's broken.

Cheap as shit! My favourite is the cheapest sandwich is the prairie sandwich, bread and butter with wide open spaces in between. Oh. Anthony, nice. I haven't had a bread and butter sandwich for a long time. It's nice, isn't it? Whilst in a period of unemployment,

I lived on rice and gravy for variety i changed between chicken and beef flavor gravy that's not me that's uh 939 simon um yeah rice and gravy i could live with that i think beans on toast somebody's suggesting that's cheap but it's probably not as cheap as three bits of bread. If you buy My Mum's Beans or something like that, one of those brands. Well, they are suggesting a very cheap supermarket. Can you still get My Mum's Cola? I don't

know. Do you remember that? This is what Peter Kay became famous mocking, isn't it? Roller Cola, when he used to do and Panda Cola he used to be able to get as well. Yeah. Oh yeah, that was for children that were made to wait outside the pub when their parents were inside. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh, that's broken Britain. My grandpa. Okay. I've spent much of this week, I must say, watching, and I'm going to own up to this, watching I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Oh, love it. On the subject of eating things that may be disgusting

yeah and i am it's uh well i mean freddie star you know freddie star got so ill that he had to go home was it as a result of the bush trial well they said he had a severe allergic reaction a spokesman for the uh the show said he probably just just brushed against some leaves in the jungle or he leaned on some bark that he's reacted to. And I thought, hold on, you're just smedding me a pig's bottom and some other things I don't feel I can even mention on the radio and you think he might have leaned against some bark to make him... He famously ate a hamster, of course, Freddie,

but I don't know if you've seen him on this show. He looks like he might have also ate the family who owned it and the semi-detached house that they lived in. He's packing some pounds. Wow! He's a big machine. He's a big unit. I've only seen him in pictures, but I do like the idea that he ate the...

Is it like the greasy spoon or something that they had? They called it a massive meal and he just shoveled the whole lot down. He did, but in an incredible arrogant way. Yeah. And he said of the other guy who's from the only way to say it, he said, yeah, you know, he put spray tan cream on his face. He had no chance. 20 minutes later, he's in hospital.

I feel a bit like that at one of those all-you-can-eat buffers. I feel like that's how I'd be going at it. But it was... He was horrible. Ready soft. Fabulously horrible. He was. It's a shame he's gone.

It is. I'll miss him. Willie Carson as well. I think he could deliver. Yes. How are you finding him? Yes. The do-liver.

He has very pert breasts, I've noticed. Willie Carson. I thought he could do with a bit of a hoist up. Most people are looking at this woman from The Real Hustle, but I can't take my eyes off Willie Carson. They have that cute, like, French 60s actress kind of look to them. What's he wearing under that? Oh, I tell you, but they aggravate a T-shirt big time.

Yeah. He really is something else. And he's still got... There's a bit where they had to sit on this thing and with his tiny legs, his tiny white sort of... Oh, he's small, isn't he? Like doll's legs hanging down. Oh, man, it was...

He's my favourite, as Bruce would say. Frank, could we talk briefly about Stephanie Power's hair? Have you seen it on I'm a Celebrity? I'm quite partial to that. Are you? Yeah. She washed it. She went in and it looked...

It was reasonably straight, wasn't it? And then she washed it and it's gone mental, Cockro that. Are you? Yeah. She washed it. She went in and it looked, it was reasonably straight, wasn't it? And then she washed it and it's gone mental, Cockroach. Has it? Yeah. Well, her general look, because she's off the mic, she's got this, it's a sort of gin-ravaged Victorian prostitute look. Yeah. Yeah, I can imagine. Or maybe earlier, maybe sort of Newgate prison whore.

I can't make my mind up. I think more Stephen King's It. I think there's a bit of that going on. Stephen King's It? Yes. We sound like we're playing a game of literary tick. It does feel like that. Stephen King's It.

Watch out for it. Yeah, she needs serum. Is she allowed a luxury item in there where she can pop a bit of wax in or some mousse or something? They had luxury items the other day. One for them by Sunita and Radio's Pat Sharp. Oh, I remember Pat Sharp from Funhouse.

And they had... Is that that swingers club you used to go to? Oh, yeah, yeah. They had rubbish luxury items. Anthony Cotton from Coronation Street had a pillow with some writing on it. Now, he's going to turn, Anthony Cotton. He's already turned.

He's going to turn. He was my... Is he? I doubt it now. Not now. I think that news is out, isn't it? He was a much-loved... He was borderline...

In the world of soap, borderline national treasure. And now he's becoming a monstrous character. Oh, man, he's really... I think he could be the first person on that show to kill somebody. He's really... he's on an edge already. Is that a bush sucker trial? Well, it's going to be great to watch, I think. He's got a bit of a nasty streak.

Oh, God. Has he? Oh, yeah. Which makes me warm to him. Frank, we've had some emails in this week. Do you remember recently we were talking about TV programmes that have been commissioned solely on the basis of the fact that they sound like a good title?

Yeah, we have no evidence for this. No. But I often thought, and the team agree, that sometimes you see a TV show and you think this was only made because the title is a good, like, porn. The example I used was Winton Wonderland. Yeah. And, like, Dale Winton.

Aiden Britain was the one that kicked it on further. Exactly. Well, we've had a few suggestions in. One is from Bob Large I rather like the sound of him Bob Large he himself could host a programme about the death of Robert Maxwell couldn't he

is that because he was called Bob or is it because when he went overboard he bobbed large just trying to work he has some fine suggestions he has Burton on Trent. Tim Burton interviews Terence Trent Darby. Oh, I'd love that.

Hold on, hold on. If I remember rightly, Terence Trent Darby is now called Sananda Matreya. Is that right? So that's going to be, yeah, that's not going to work, is it? I love that you know that now. Tim Burton on Sananda Maitreya. What they're reeling is to ditch Tim Burton and get Samanda, the twins from Big Brother.

Do you remember them? Yeah. Then it could be Samanda and Sananda. Oh, very good, Frank. Yeah, God, if they could get some sort of show in which they erected verandas, it could be one of the great titles ever. Bob Lodge.

I'm sure I must have run into Bob Lodge at a Birmingham nightclub, Flares or something. Bob Lodge has also suggested Curtis Stigers, Circus Tigers. Nice. A documentary about singer Curtis Stigers who now runs a rescue centre for big cats from Big Tops.

That is good, I like that. Oh, I'm often talking about doing a bit of lion taming or something of that nature. All you need is a chair. It looks easy. Well, you need a Pete Doherty coat, don't you, as well? Pete Doherty. Did you see that Pete Doherty had fled to Paris this week?

He said he was being haunted by the ghost of Amy Winehouse. Oh, is he? Yeah, apparently his friends say, honestly, that's what he believes. Apparently he has a voice like, you know, coming out the radio and weird stuff like that. Yeah, that would happen, wouldn't it? But I'm not saying that he's induced this on himself in any way, but it's a strange old tale.

Frank, we've got a couple more TV programme suggestions. We've got Deansgate Locks. Emily goes round the pubs and bars of Manchester's prominent light life area inspecting the security systems of each establishment. Is this local telly? This is just on in the North West, is it? That would be fantastic. Now this is a rather obscure

one, Frank. Emily and Ivory. Emily interviews David Baddiel's brother on various subjects in which he's interested. Emily discovers that she has the same interests, thus ensuring perfect harmony between them. I should say that David's brother is called Ivor. Yeah, hence Emily and

Ivory. Surely they'd have got that. Well, I don't know. I think he has national fame. We show a trainer. Do you? God, times are hard, aren't they? Frank! Frank, Frank Skimmer. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute Radio. I've had a bit of an altercation this week. Oh, good. Well, you love my altercations, don't you? Oh, I do. It was hairdresser-based. I wonder if you could turn up these corduroy trousers for me. Oh, sorry, altercations. Sorry, these

headphones are... It was hairdresser based. I have no gripe with my blow dryer. I'm very happy with his work. Okay. Hold on, he's a separate person from the cotton person. Very much so, yeah. I have a whole

team, but... Sort of Jensen Button approach. Yeah, everyone's got their individual role. A different person operates the hairdryer, to the man who cuts the hair. Sometimes. No, because the man who cuts the hair is very important and busy.

He might not have time for a blow-dry. So I'll elect to have the lesser mortal doing it anyway i know what you mean sometimes i'm the on the rare occasions because in the nine quid barbers you don't i don't have it washed they just cut it but when i have had it washed i got my hair cut at the bbc recently a young woman took me to one side and you know you lean back you know that horrible sink with the sort of U-shaped gap that you lean back into? I can't relax. I hate having people

wash my hair. Yeah, I don't like it. I'm always waiting for the karate chop across the throat. Because I know if I was doing that, I would so not be able to resist him. Yeah, you'd have to. That's the best of the female throat, not in any misogynist way. Frank! No, no, but with the male throat you have to make that choice am i going to go

above adam's apple or below but with the female it's a lovely clean shot it's a wide open plane for you anyway so anyway uh so someone's sitting opposite me a female i can tell by the shoes well i say that but they were a little bit history teacher when you say sitting opposite me, a female, I can tell by the shoes. Well, I say that, but they were a little bit history teacher. When you say sitting opposite... Yes. So how it is, Frank, if you're in the hairdresser and you've got... I'm facing a mirror and she's facing a mirror, do you understand? So the mirror's...

So I can't see her face, I can't see her head, I can just see her shoes under the table. I've never... It's almost like you work in a call centre. Exactly. So the mirror's not on the wall. No, the mirror... What do you need? Exactly, the mirror is facing me and she's also got one facing her.

This would have ruined Snow White. Mirror, mirror on the raised partition in the centre of the room. I mean, the whole thing wouldn't have scammed. OK, so she's kicking you under the table. So what's happened is, her feet, she's got little black shoes on and she's swinging them forward's got little black shoes on and

she's swinging them forward quite violently really actually yeah she's telling a story she's getting excited oh it sounds to me like she's been strangled yeah and she's swinging them forward quite violently well i won't have that she made contact eventually i knew it would happen eventually and she kicked you no she didn't mean to make contact but i did when i retaliated and i thought i've had enough so i let it go i thought and then i i gave her a little cease and desist kick little tap okay so she's a warning yeah a little warning like the wrap of the knuckles on the dog's snout you know that one like a don't touch his dish yeah so she stopped

she did cease i'm afraid she started again the war of terror began again and this time mid anecdotes she was yeah she got excited again started kicking me again she told her was it someone from strictly come dancing because all her anecdotes involve quite a lot of foot movement i'm surprised you didn't stand up and look over the top. Is it that kind of partition, you could look up over the top? No, I was just too... I quite like the anonymity, because it was all solely feet-based, and I never saw her face.

And it became very ugly under that table. I bet. I kicked back again. I kicked back at her again. What kind of footwear did you have on? I had high heels. Killer heels. Yeah, killer heels. You were always going to kind of footwear did you have on? I had high heels. Killer heels. You were always going to kill us.

Who do you think won? It was a tense business. It was. But I like that I never saw her, Frank. You see, Mr Toppers, they're all young, clobber types. So every time I go there, they say, so, what are you doing this weekend?

And of course, I'm never doing anything to talk about. And they're all on about their club weekends and I'm saying, I'm thinking I might get myself a pomegranate. I just get sneers. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily Dean and I'm with Alan Cochran. I like to do that at the top of the hour.

People might just be tuning in now, you know. Very slickly done. Very professional. Thank you very much. So, Frank, I was reading The Economist the other day. What? Hold on, let's get back on my chair. I'm not just a pick-me-up

slash chat kind of girl. No, I wonder where you were going with that one. Slash that you said, yeah. No, but I came across a very interesting... You're a fiercely. No. No, but I came across a very interesting... You're a fiercely intelligent woman. Thank you. I came across a very interesting article, Cockrell, about Americanisms.

And it was to do with... Because I'm quite fond of the odd Americanism. I added the ism in there. I thought you were going to say the odd American. But it had a poll asking what were the kind of British people's top americanisms that they'd incorporated into their speech yeah so sidewalk instead of pavement i've never heard any british person say that ever no me neither apartment instead of flat i do that i have to say i have

moved to apartment have you from flat because apartment i live on the 11th floor apart from those below, in a way. So apartment feels right for me. Flat has never worked for me. The whole thing about flat, it's the very opposite. I find flats, if anything, they protrude. They're not flat at all. Bungalow should be called a flat.

Flat sounds where Britain's fattest man would live. I don't like the sound of flat. Yeah, all Britain's flattest man would live i don't like the sound of flat yeah all britain's flattest man which he certainly isn't no he certainly isn't now and also i don't know he spreads got some good spreadage when he lies back it's like when you get i'm imagining you know when you get a not very fresh egg and you put it in the frying pan it goes out quite away to the ends i imagine he imagine that's what he's like. Spread eagles.

Yeah. Some people also admitted to saying, I'm good over I'm well. So if you say, how are you? I'm good. Do you do that, guys? Well, if someone says to me, how are you? I always say, what am I, a doctor? And then it gets a bit awkward. I hate being asked that way.

I'm like an old Jewish comic. What am I, chopped liver? Who is this guy, Sinatra? Try the pork. No, don't try the pork. So, yes, I never say I'm good. I'll tell you what I do say. Instead of cutlery, I say eating irons,

which is something I heard in a cowboy film. It's extraordinary. My brother-in-law says that. Have you got any eating irons? You know another human being that says that. Yeah, brilliant. Eating irons. I do say hey instead of hello.

Oh, do you? I know, I'm sorry, Alan, but I think it sounds a bit more friends and like I'm sort of pleasantly extrovert. Do you ever say yo? No. Oh, I say yo. I say yo in email and text form quite often.

Do you, ironically? I think it starts ironically, and then before you know it, you're just doing it. I think that's the problem. I also still say, what's up? No, you don't. I do, I genuinely do. I'm afraid you're fired.

I think you can only work on Capital Radio if you say it was. Well, I hear there's a gap. There is. Yes. Well, you'll be sadly missed. Can I say, I think John E. Vaughan's absolutely brilliant. Yeah, we've chatted about that, haven't we?

He's great. Absolutely brilliant. Flat sounds so common compared to apartments someone has texted in. The latter is elegant. The former is inhabited by peasants. I am not a peasant. From 754. Hold on, 754, isn't that your number?

Don't sneak them in on the side. One of my favourite... I mean, this was said by an American. I don't know if it actually qualifies as Americanism, but I interviewed Patrick Stewart, you know. From Merfield, West Yorkshire, Patrick Stewart. That wasn't how I was going to describe him. I was going to say Captain Picard.

Jean-Luc Picard. Yeah. But anyway, I said, are you going to do any more Star Trek films? And he said, no. He said, we had a meeting with the guy from the film company, and he said that he felt that Star Trek had

franchise fatigue. Which, let's face it, we all get in the end. I've had it since about 2002. Yeah, about then I think it set in. Yeah, I'm fine with it, though. Yeah. I don't care, it's brought me here, where I'm very happy. Yeah, I'm fine with it, though. Yeah. I don't care. It's brought me here where I'm very happy.

So, is there any Americanisms our listeners like or dislike? Hmm. Is there any? I mean, I'm all right with them. I like all sorts of wild and wondrous language change, so I'm okay with it. Call us on our cell. Yeah, you can call us on our cell, exactly. Use your cells. We're on 8-12- 15 and um i know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna do that most fabulous of all things this is

something i look forward to saying i'm gonna play a track from the new fall album oh and this one might surprise you a little absolute radio with frank skinner what else uh, it's interesting that you adopt an American accent because we were talking about Americanisms that we don't like. Or like. Or like, that's true. Matt says, hi, Frank and co. Oh, a little bit American. I utterly despise folk who insert the word like

after like every word for like emphasis. Like, you know. Is that American, though? Yes, it is. It's very American. That's Matt Richmond from work at Like the Natural History Museum. Oh, OK. Well, you do the Matt. We've got another one. What Americanism people should be hung, drawn and quartered for saying

is step up to the plate, or any sentence including that phrase. Hung, drawn and quartered is nice. It's become very British. Oliver Cromwell. It's a baseball term, to step up to the plate. It is. That was from 829. And there's another one. I wonder how he is with touch base.

Yes. I intend to find out. 437. Pushing the envelope. Ever seen a jockey with a mustache jungle willie the small guy with knees and perp breasts never sported a tash why jockey tradition and etiquette that's from four three seven yeah i've never seen never seen a jockey with a mustache i i was in case you just tuned in i was speaking earlier about um willie Willie Carson's, I have to say, quite perplexed.

Yeah, he's perplexed. I'm hoping, I'm hoping when he, uh, rode all those winners, he wore a good sports bra. His moves. He'd have been in agony. Oh, 186 has texted, I hate it when people at the bar say, can I get a drink?

Yeah, that does annoy me, actually. Does it? Can I get this? Can I get that? You think, no, what you say is, please may I have. OK. Old school English manners, isn't it? Fair enough. It's confusing, isn't it?

Can I ask another I'm a celebrity question? Please do. Lorraine Chase, who, I don't know, is maybe in her 60s now? She's 60, actually. OK, Lorraine Chase. Still, you know, she looks... Anyway. Yeah, she looks fine she uh her specialist uh not specialist uh luxury item was a teddy bear oh god and i thought well that

i'd be a bit afraid of sleeping in the same jungle camp as a 60 yearold with a teddy bear, because I think this is, we're all going to wake up murdered. If you can wake up murdered. But then I started to think about, I still have my own teddy bear, Little Ted, from my childhood, which actually belonged to our Nora before me. It's quite an old teddy bear. And I don't coddle him anymore, but he's sitting on a shelf. And I thought I wouldn't want to do any damage to little Ted, you know what I mean?

Although I know in my heart of hearts it's an inanimate object, I couldn't bring myself to throw it up the wall, for example. And then I thought, could I do that to any teddy bear? And then I asked myself, could I lay a teddy bear on a chopping board and knock a nail through its face? And I thought to myself, you know what, I couldn't do it. Even though I know it's just, you know, cotton or even synthetics. I could not knock a nail through a teddy bear's face. And to me, that's how you judge whether you're civilised or not.

Absolute Radio with Frank Skimmer. Frank, we've been getting texts in on 8.12.15 this morning. Tremendous news. Some people citing Americanisms they don't like. OK. Some people talking about cheap food. Guess which one the cockerel prefers. Jase says a fried bread butty must be quite cheap and carb-friendly

or a dandelion sandwich. Oh, I like the fact that he's finding his dinners. Found. Found food. Found food. I tried dandelion once because my rabbit ate it with such gusto. You can tell when this was, how long ago this was. My rabbit was called Chubby Checker.

But it was bitter, bitter in the extreme, dandelion. Is it? Because dandelion and burdock, the popular soft drink, I say popular, is lovely and sweet. But, yeah, they know the white milky stuff. You know when you snap a dandelion stalk and you get that whiteness? Oh, yeah, anaesthetic-looking, I know. Oh, God, that's bitter in the extreme.

Little warning there on Absolute Radio. In fact, the Absolute Radio network in general. Karen, we used to have sugar sandwiches. That's not an announcement that's just oh I thought that was her surname I thought she was one of the what was that bouncing African tribe called the Maasai

didn't they have names like that we used to have sugar sandwiches is it Sharon? Karen we used to have sugar sandwiches I think I had sugar sandwiches my dad used to have cake sandwiches cake sandwiches. Cake sandwiches? What?

He felt the fruitcake was a bit too much of a muchness. So he used to put it on bread and butter to take the edge off it. Oh, goodness. Every day was Boxing Day in your house. It certainly was when he was drunk. I'm sorry, I see what you mean, yeah. OK, yeah.

Frank, you were also talking about, you made a reference to eating irons earlier. Yes. People love the eating irons. They do, don't they? I think that's an old cowboy term. Well, I thought it was just an old mannish thing, but somebody's put more colourful as gobbling rods.

That's something else you could say. Or scran spanners. Scran spanners sounds very English, though, doesn't it? I'd never heard that expression until Chrissie in I'm a Celebrity get me out of here used it. She went, hey, the scran's arrived. And then I realised that means tea, does it? Does that mean just like food?

Scran is good with food, yeah. Yeah, Chris Rock, he's gone. What's happened to him? Looks different. Looks really different. Looks terrible. He looks like he's literally a ghost of his former self he needs to cut down on the fags as well who is chrissy rock i've been wondering

that i don't know i think she could knock a nail through her face and think nothing of it that's that's one of the weird contradictions isn't it of how you decide how civilized you are but i don't i don't. I feel I should know her. I believe she's in Benidorm. Oh, is she? I thought she was in the jungle. I can't believe how sharp you were on

that occasion. How part I like to say. Frank. Frank. Frank. Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. 158 has texted in, Strange, I was just talking about Dandelion and Burdock earlier.

I love it when conversations overlap, when you hear something on the radio that you've been talking about. A friend of mine once tried to buy some when drunk and asked for Bandylion and Diddley-Ock. Diddley-Dock. Any luck? Did you get any? I think so. Oh, that reminds me of my days when I used to, as a child, I used to

call Pommy Granny a Granny Hoppit. Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's a nice little R from, uh... It's a touching moment. You've been bonding since opinionated. Cockerel Junior used to say paschetti instead of spaghetti. Paschetti. Couldn't say spaghetti. That's the past tense, so he's now saying spaghetti.

Yeah, well, yeah, he can say it finally. He's growing up. Yeah. Now, Frank, can we have a bit of Berlusconi, a bit of a Berlusconi moment? He's not growing up, I don't think. Well, his political career may be in tatters. Might it?

But his musical career... He's decided to release an album, hasn't he? A bit timing, I thought. He put it on the back burner because he was a bit busy the last few weeks. That's brilliant, isn't it? He's been a bit busy. He's had a lot on. He has had a lot on, hasn't he?

Yeah, it's an album of love songs. It's a shame it's in... I assume it's in Italian is it? I'd quite like to hear it. It's called Vero Amore which I believe means true love He knows a lot about He can sing can't he? I think he was a singer originally I believe he was a cruise ship

crooner. Well he works on it, he's got a friend called Mariano Apicella who's a former car park attendant. We all laugh Former car park attendant? Yes Well Illa who's a former car park we all laugh former car park attendant yes well i bet he's a good pointer they're great yeah i believe it's a man but he said mariana said burlesconi gets an idea into his head and we work on it a bit or throw it away that's their sort of composing process yes good like elton john and bernie token well i'm guessing the mate the former car park attendant even at the writing sessions he's wearing high

viz because that never goes away that urge no okay well i mean in a way though you have to respect i can't imagine a british politician bringing out an album of love songs. No. Except perhaps Lembit Opik. Well, yeah. He might, mightn't he? Yeah, well, he'll be laughing on the other side of his face. Right.

Yeah, I could imagine... Could you imagine Ed Miliband's new album? It could be called Qatar Hero. No, but it wouldn't happen. They don't have enough going on, do they? Oh, Vince Cable with a love song. I'd love that. Oh, some Ricky Martin covers.

Vince Cable, Shake a Boom Boom. I'd love that. Could happen. Live in La Vida Loco by Vince Cable. I think we should try and start... You know these campaigns that they do where they go let's make nirvana the christmas number one instead of a simon cowell offer oh yeah burlesconi surely yes surely if enough british people buy it on itunes or other reputable establishments then

it could go to number one that'd be exciting how does he how does he do it that's been well documented how does he remain sort of peoplelusconi? That's been well documented. How does he remain sort of... People speak of him with a twinkle in their eye, the way they don't when they talk about Sepp Blatter. But aren't they both just horrible, old, power-crazed blokes? It is brilliant. What is it that's sort of charming about Berlusconi?

It's a total lack of apology, isn't it? It's the sheer brazenness it's uh it's between also why do people sing about love all the time that's all people ever write about love love love eating irons are they this man has been a prime minister he could you know he could have written a song about like you know when he met sherry booth the collapse of the eu yeah when the queen when the queen told him off when the queen said why is that man shouting i thought she was saying that about you yeah but why why do the people always have to love love love you know if books people write books about all sorts of stuff. They don't just write about love, do they?

Isn't it all about that in the end, though? No. No. It absolutely isn't. It's about stuff like, let's have some songs about architecture. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Frank, you were talking earlier about how you wish people would write more songs about subjects like architecture rather than love. I did.

We laughed. We're not laughing now. No. Like Lemby Oakley. I'm laughing on the other side of the other side of his face. Because Greg Bracken from London says, Never fear, Frank. Paul Simon wrote a song about the architect Frank Lloyd Wright on Bridge Over Troubled Water. Well, that is true. But can I say that beating Greg to it,

Sandy Waugh put her head round the door of our newsreader and pointed out that very fact. She did. Oh, she's sharp. She's pat. Indeed, 829 has texted in, if you're after songs about architecture, I believe the last Bob the Builder album

may quench your thirst. Good point. Well, yeah, that's it. Does he do architecture as such? He's more repairs, isn't he? He's more building. You're right. I don't think he could. I don't think he could put a house together. We've had another text in, a really love

song. This sounds a little ball. It's got a sort of Jacques Hughes quality. This is from 756. Some songs not about love. Starry, Starry Night, The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down, The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, Cherokee People. Tax man. I could go on and on.

I'm not saying there aren't one or two. I like the fact that he's put I could go on and on whilst in a text message where he couldn't go on and on. There's 140 characters. There are fewer, isn't there? Yes, there are a few. But I still think when people think I'll write a song, their first port of call is always love. One of my favourite texts that's come in today is, why do banks put so many serving windows in when they get refurbished?

Have you ever been in a bank when all the serving windows are in use? Darren Swanscombe. See, that would make a brilliant song. That topic. Yeah, get your guitar out, Darren, and let us hear it. No, I'll be honest with you, Darren, I can't remember the last time I was in a bank. No, it's all gone online.

I do it all on the wall. I don't go online, but I go through the wall, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I never go in. What do you go in for? Go through the wall, Anton Dubeck. Oh, is it Del Winton who presents that? Bring on the wall. God, I thought that was gossip for a minute. Thank God.

Thank God there's a reference to a TV show. Now, Frank... Anton Dubeck went through the wall. It's always a temptation. Anyway, Frank, we need to talk about Emile. Ah, yes. Great novel, that. No, we actually need to talk specifically about emil hesky's fiance

chantal she burnt the dinner now that may not seem like a news story to you but she what happened is that she it actually set off the fire alarm in a house which went through to the local fire station so it did actually end up as this big news, doing a practice run Christmas dinner, which I thought was rather strange. Hold on, she's doing a practice run? And she'd set the oven to bake instead of... Hold on! People don't do that, do they? Oh, she does. Oh, they do. They do. Yeah.

They do a Christmas dinner practice run in November. Some people do. Well, I suppose she didn't have to do it in November. I think that's quite an insight into Emil, how he runs that household with a roll of iron. When Emil got in that night, he had turkey, roast potatoes, pigs in blankets. No, he had pork.

She was cooking pork. This is the weird thing about the whole... There's so many odd things on. I mean, there's so many odd things about it. One of the weird things about it is that it's in the Telegraph. It's not a Telegraph story. How did it make it to the Telegraph? Also, Frank, she had the setting on bake instead of roast.

That means nothing to bake, can I say that? That's weird, isn't it? You don't want a footballer with a setting on bake instead of roast. No, it's unusual. That could have confused everything. No, but what I want to know is, is this a woman who you'd say, do you fancy meeting up on Tuesday and she's saying, I've got my Christmas dinner mocks?

Yeah. I've never even heard of that before. I love the fact that the fire brigade were called when she was doing a dry run. Yeah. That's what it was. No, she's automatically connected to the... I mean, I'm very well connected in the fire service, but even I don't, my connections don't spread that far.

The fire engine comes out the minute the smoke alarm goes off i've often wondered where the you know if you have a burglar alarm in your house i'm not saying i have not said i haven't does that go straight to the police station some of them i think it does yeah i believe what about mine that's what i want to know we don't know i think mine just alerts me and then you're on your own frank yeah i don't know. I think mine just alerts me. And then you're on your own, Frank. Yeah, I don't think it goes directly through. What I would be certain of is, I bet you, Emil worked really hard to create some space for the firefighters, but never looked like putting the fire out himself.

I heard he had to go on the hose and soak the house next door. Emil, you had to go on the hose? I won't have it said. I will not have it said. I love that grimace the producer just gave. It's one of my favourites. So, I think that's acid. I mean, coming up from... I don't mean she's...

If you listen to Not The Weekend podcast, people do. People do. It's available from Wednesday for download. It's a completely separate bit of this, if you like. So we sit in a studio and, you know, this. Vicky Bly is next on Absolute Radio. And I'm going to play a little out bit of uh goodbye music thing

you all right i'm fine i'll be all right in a minute just have you noticed fine trail of blood coming from the left ear it's gonna be okay i'm having a bit of a freddy star moment i think um i think that sarah's uh chocolate biscuits have started to kick in. Sara's our resident poisoner, you may know that. She's out to get me. Yeah, so anyway, if the good Lord's willing, the creeks don't rise and I'm not poisoned, we'll be back this time next week.

Ta-ra a bit. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.