The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Best of 1

Episode Date: December 21, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the best of show's podcast right here.

Frank, Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can follow us on Twitter of all things, at Frank on Absolute. I think we're also on Facebook, MySpace. I'm on LinkedIn, if you really want to dig deep. You're on Friends Reunited as well. Friends Reunited. I'm on under Albury Technical School, if you want to go in deep on that one.

Don't think there's a photograph. There is some photographs of me, but not from school. Weird. I think that's about all the social networking you can get us on. Bebo. Isn't it called Bebo? No, but there's Pinterest and Tumblr. You haven't even gone there. No. And I'm on Grindr. Get over it. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. What is it? Well, I would like to talk about Gérard Depardieu. Oh, Gérard Depardieu. Have you been reading about him? Who hasn't? He's been all over the papers like a big Frenchman.

Well, he has. Does he look like... If Paul Merson was on a desert island for three years, would he look like G If Paul Merson was on a desert island for three years, would he look like Gerard Depardieu? I'd give it three days, maybe. Too much tiramisu. Gerard doesn't look like the type to say, oh, no, I won't have seconds, does he?

No. I like that in him, though. Yeah, he's always... Pleasure-loving, bacchanalian. He's a bullish character. Definitely bacchanalian, yeah. Yeah. Good call.

But he's a Ruskie now, isn't he? Yeah, in case you don't know this story, he's become Russian. He said he was fed up because of the tax system in France. Yeah. And Putin, Vladimir Putin, said, and I quote, if you'd like to have a Russian passport, consider it settled. See, that's how the Russians do stuff.

Can I just say, I love their immigration laws. It's brilliant. It's like a gypsy horse fair. All in cash. I love the fact they did that and then didn't get bogged down in three months' worth of paperwork. I think he's still working. Exactly. That's the way to do it. Ironic, really, isn't it? Because you'd think the Russians

would be a country that would go for red tape, wouldn't they? It would work for them, wouldn't it? Red tape. Quite 70s as well. I like that. I paid... I went into motorway services over the holiday and they

then got... the machine wasn't working and I had to pay for petrol and cash. Oh, yeah. It felt great. Oh, did you like that? It felt so 70s. It's a good job you had it, though. It was.

I was lucky I had it, because I'd already filled the car. Oh. It was like 58 quid. And at the end of it, the woman said, you can put this in one of your shows. Sure enough. Here we are. We'll get a good 25 minutes out of that.

No, I think it's fair enough, isn't it, Depecheur, because to Russia it's the January window. He's allowed to move. The French Prime Minister, I was going to say his name and then I realised I will sound like a middle-class parent trying to teach their child French, but he is called Jean-Marc Arrion. I love that. That's the sexiest thing ever. Oh, I'll say it again. Jean-Marc Arrion. I love that. That's the sexiest thing ever. Oh, I'll say it again.

Jean-Marc Arrion. He said, he described it as shabby behaviour, didn't he? Yeah. He doesn't like, he's not a fan of defection. Wasn't shabby behaviour the informer in Starsky Hodge? Is that right? Yeah, I think that was his name. Would you go Russian? He was a bit of a character now if I had a choice

would you change your nationality? well I've often thought this I'd be German really? definitely interesting choice controversial they're the closest to the British

aren't they the Germans? closest to the royal family surely I think they're closest it would be no good me taking on something Latino. I haven't got the temperament for it. You're not Latino. I've got that reserve of the Germans. Discipline.

With a little added bit of, you know, acceptance of public nudity, which I wouldn't mind. And I would, that would be my choice, yeah. And also, it's one of those nationalities that you really want to have arrived late. Yes. Ideally, don't you? Yeah. You can say, I didn't come till 2013.

Don't blame me. It's a good time to be German. You want to be late to the party. Do you ever think, you must fantasise about being... 100%. I'd go Greek. People often mistake me for a member of the Greek royal family. I think I could be that.

I like the food. I'd be very wealthy in their terms now wouldn't i you would yeah i could see you as a as a yeah i might go brazilian absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio we've actually already had an email just arrived now i have a french exam in an hour and i'm Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've actually already had an email just arrived now. I have a French exam in an hour and I'm currently stressing about all the information to remember and remembering it all in French. So could you please play Dire Straits, Brothers in Arms to keep me calm? A couple of things. We don't really do requests. Also, who does exams on a Saturday?

That was my next point who does an exam also dire straits brothers in arms extraordinary i don't know if that will calm anyone down no they shouldn't have asked for some sir she gans yeah charlotte i suppose although she tends to sing in english don't you charlotte still nice and calming in it also didn't she expose herself completely naked to pete doherty in something recently? Did she? A film or something. Oh, yes, in a film.

It was arty, though. Oh, God, it was arty. No-one's denying that. I mean, I haven't seen Skyfall yet, so the chances of me having seen that are even smaller, aren't they? You haven't seen Skyfall. I'm going to start leaking spoiler alerts into our conversation. You haven't seen Live and Let Die.

That's how behind you are. I'm very behind the curve. Well, the Ken Dodd surprise appearance. I had no... I mean, who would have cast him as a Bond film? But he was actually really... Terrifying. Yeah, I loved it.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, I'm going to tell you something which you might think is made up, but I swear on all that is sacred, this is absolutely true. I was in a car the other day, a minicab, and the driver said to me, I like you very much. Oh, I don't like the way this is going. Here we go. Were you in the front seat? No, no, I like you very much. Oh, I don't like where this is going. Here we go.

Were you in the front seat? No, no, I was on his lap. No, and he was in the back seat with me. Now, he said, you know, I like you very much. He said, ever since I came to this country from, I think it was Egypt somewhere. He liked you very much. Yeah, and he said, you know, when I first came to this country,

I watched you all the time. And I thought, oh and he said, you know, when I first came to this country, I watched you all the time. And I thought, oh, that's, you know, lovely. And he said, he said, a lot of the programmes now, you know, they're not good. He said, you know, I go to work and I come home, you know, for a laugh and there are no laughs, he said. I thought, well, you know, I'm still on. But I thought he means apart from me is what he meant.

Anyway, I was sort of basking in this praise. And then he said to me, do you ever see the lady who played Betty? And in a weird string of mistakes, he'd read Frank Skinner on his chitty, taken that as Frank Spencer, which is one mistake. Assume Frank Spencer was the name of the person in the show and not in the show, and thought it was me.

You were wearing a beret and a raincoat, belt-tightly belted. Yeah, I know, but... So anyway, I texted Michelle Detrice and said, guess what? No, but then he went on about it, he said, cos, you know, nowadays, the modern comedians, they're rubbish. And I was thinking, oh, God.

And I couldn't tell him, obviously. He didn't mention Frank Skinner, did he? No, no, he didn't. I assumed he'd never heard of me. But I was almost tempted to start going, let's't. I assumed he'd never heard of me. But I was almost tempted to start going, let's try to help him out a bit, you know. Ooh.

And then about, I suppose about four days later, I went into a I parked somewhere and realised that the parking was on until ten o'clock at night rather than six. Oh, I hate that. So I got no change. So I went into a shop. I always buy a pint of milk when I need change.

So I think, you'll drink milk. It won't be wasted, milk. And in the boot of the car nowadays, it's like a small fridge. So I went in the shop. I noticed that obviously I paid cash to get change, but the woman had got one of those pin machines, you know, chipping pins.

Oh, yeah. Still big, aren't they? Oh, they're very big. They're still big. They're like a 1980s calculator. We'll look back at those chip and pins and say, do you remember when chip and pins were, you know, before they became vapour? Yeah.

Remember those big, chunky things? Anyway, hers was pink. Shocking pink. She was a woman, I'd say, in her late 40s, early 50s. And I said, well, you've got a very feminine machine. And she looked at me, honestly, in absolute That's quite an odd thing to say, Patti. Well, I just meant that she had a, but I don't know what she thought I was talking about, but she looked genuinely affronted.

And I couldn't see any way out of it. What was under the counter? I should have said, who better? A lady. A lady on his door. Oh, man, it was terrible. I mean, what could I have meant? Oh, you've got a very feminine machine. If you would like to take a stab at what Frank could have meant,

text in on 81215. I don't have X-ray vision, for goodness sake. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I had the window cleaners the other day, and our window cleaners, they're not like your old traditional

who start at the ground and work their way up on a ladder. They start at the roof and come down on a cable. Is that because you live in a skyscraper, is that? Well, I don't know if I'd call it a skyscraper. I just thought it was a nice retro term. It's a sky fondler.

Oh, OK. It's what it is. They've had the top smoothed. That's quite a job, doing your windows, though, that great height. Yeah. What kind of Christmas tip did they get? From me? Nothing. Anyway, the thing is that they just dangle their doing their cleaning,

and I get about my business, and that's the deal. One never acknowledges them. Right. Because otherwise, once you've said hello they're there for like you know what do you do then yeah we should say two-thirds of your apartment is window virtually yeah is that right um so anyway uh i was aware of him at the core of my eye and then he uh ah frank and the thumb double thumbs up no so. So I thought, what you've done... You started that, though, didn't you?

You started that move, the double thumbs up. I don't know if I started it, but I certainly popularised it in the 90s. But he... I thought, what you've done, you've broken the fourth wall, the classic theatre rule. Yes. And then I was still making my breakfast and stuff and he was hanging there.

And I knew he was there and I knew he... It was like being on Big Brother. Oh, yeah. But in sort of live, the live tour of Big Brother. Without the fee. Without the fee, yeah, just the humiliation and the sense of being... I could feel him boring holes in my back

with his probing eyes. And it was... I couldn't... You know when you're driving and you realise there's a police car behind you and you can't drive that way? Yes. I felt that the sandwich I made was slipshod. You lost your mojo, Frank. You know the squares weren't

quite aligned of the two slices of bread. Oh. And they were a bit off kilter. Did you put all the ingredients that you'd planned to put in there? I don't know. My mind was a whirl. And suddenly you were going, there's just lettuce in here. In the end, I just said, I want to eat this.

And a little bit of piccadilly. I just want to legitimise leaving the room. And when you're mid-sandwich, you can't just storm out the room. So I had to sit and eat the sandwich. And I never looked at him again, but I knew he was looking at me. I couldn't swallow. I couldn't. Every move, the self-consciousness was crippling me.

And for what? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yeah, we were talking about the new Monopoly piece that's going to be introduced. They haven't decided what it's going to be yet. But I had forgotten what pieces were in there.

Well, I can remember Dogboot Thimblecar. Dogboot Thimblecar. Can I just say, I can guess. You know when you play it, you tend to have your favourite piece, don't you? You're loyal to. I can guess what you two are. Can you? I think Frank would go for, they have a little boot, which is a bit Depression era.

Yeah. And quite man of the people. And I think that would fit in with Frank's persona. Right. I think. I've used the boot before now. Oh, I knew you would have. Thank for Angela's ashes, that boot.

I like it. Yeah. I think Oh, I knew you would have. Thank for Angela's ashes, that boot. I like it. Yeah. I think it's a bit early chaplain. But yeah, but carry on. I've used the thimble as well. Have you, Frank? But you are right. I do go for the boot generally.

I knew you'd be boot. You see, I'd see out. They used to have a sack of money, but I think they phased that out. That'll be out. That'll be out. Or the Scotty dog, maybe. He's a dog. Can you guess what I'd go for? I think mine's really obvious. It's yours. I think they phase that out. That'll be out. That'll be out. Or the Scotty dog, maybe. He's a dog. Can you guess what I'd go for?

I think mine's really obvious. It's yours. I think ruling classes. Sports car. No, I'd go for the top hat. Oh, I like the top hat. It's a nice weight to it, isn't it? I love it.

I did. There was an iron. Do you remember that? Yeah. And my mum, when I was a kid, she had one of those metal irons. Oh, yeah. And that was a kid, she had one of those metal irons. Oh, yeah. And that was the iron that she used.

So if she had ironing to do, she'd put this metal iron on the cooker, on the gas ring, and heat it up until it was really, really red hot, and then iron with it. And also, she used it as a doorstop. Did she? And when my dad came back from the pub with a coconut, which he often did. Did he? Yeah. I don't know why. back from the pub with a coconut, which he often did. Did he? Yeah. I don't know why, he'd often return with a coconut.

We lived in Barbados. My mother was the cleaner for Ian Fleming at Goldeneye. Oh, of course, yeah. And I love the books and all that, and we always got the latest one at Christmas time. But he was a tough taskmaster, I have to say. I'm not saying he hit her, but he shoved her about a bit. But, you know, those were different times.

There was a time my dad was going up the house and he said, yeah, he said, I'll give him 007, he said. 007? Yeah. I mean, I don't know what he meant by it. I think it was good. My mum said, oh, no, you know, we don't have to move out of the servants' quarters and that,

so we didn't go. But, yeah, that was the iron. What was we talking about? Monopoly. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Let's cheer ourselves up with a little journey to... E-mail corner.

Ah, was gibt. We have an e-mail from a lady called Sophie. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan. I keep seeing random shoes on the road, mostly fast roads, sort of abandoned. How do they get there? Whenever I see them, I always wonder and my imagination runs away with me.

I've settled on the theory that lots of people hang their legs out of the car window and their shoes fall off, or... What, their indicators are broken? Yeah. Yeah, these people have all got cruise control, presumably. Yeah, exactly. Or they have suitcases on their roof rack and the zip brakes and their shoes fall out.

But just their shoes, mind. Who has a roof rack in this day and age? I was thinking of getting a roof rack, you know, one of those top boxes. Get a people carrier. I'm such a dork, aren't I? I'm thinking of having something fitted under the car. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a bit more private. Enjoy the speed bumps.

Am I overlooking a much simpler reason for shoes on the road? Sophie. Yes, you are. The fact is, Sophie, we're all living, I think we can now be revealed, we're all living in an enormous game of Monopoly, playing God. Oh, it's a chaplain boot. I've noticed some cars on the side of the road as well.

Have you some irons as well, old-fashioned irons? Not many irons, but quite a lot of cars and one or two shoes and some dogs. There's a huge terrier just off the M1. There is? At Yorkshire bit. No, I, um, I mean, it could be, um, newlyweds going over rough terrain. You think? Well, that's true. What, what do you think it is? Well, Snow White's a high mileage driver. No, not Snow White, Cinderella. Oh. Oh. Ruined my own joke there, didn't I? No, no, we're still with you. Yeah, well, that's nice. Come on. No, no, come on.

I don't need it. I've done it. I've done that. Oh, you actually did it. Cinderella leaves a shoe behind, don't she? Oh, God. She leaves a shoe behind. Yeah, stop it now.

Slipper. It's a slipper. When I said I was with you, that was then, this is now. Oh, I hated that. 18 seconds. I'll tell you what I am very impressed by. And that is the trainers, they're usually trainers, training shoes, knotted at the laces, thrown over a telegraph wire.

Oh, yeah. Yes. Isn't that like a code? Is it? Isn't it like a street code for, you know... Oh, is it some swingers thing? Someone naughty. No, some guy that will sell illegal substances lives there or something. Really?

I think so, yeah. Oh, I love how vague he's pretending to be. He knows exactly what this code is. Come on, Frank, surely you've seen it on the wire box sets. No, I haven't seen it. It certainly didn't happen in Merlin. Mainly because they didn't have shoelaces. They just had, like, pointy slippers.

Nice. Well, and obviously they didn't have telegraph wires, so I must point that out. What do they have in Merlin? Magic. Gruel and fur cloaks. They have magic. But, no, well, I've never heard that before.

I hate that. That can't be true. Because that means if you're some sort of, if you deal in the substances business, you'd have to get a job next to a telegraph wire. That's what they do? That's how they choose their homes? They walk around flats being shown around by estate agents.

I mean, is that a section on Zoopla? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Follow us on Twitter, Frank on Absolute. The old DG. Yeah, so I'm with Cocker Leaky and Emily Dean. I'm not so sure. How are you feeling about Cocker Leaky? I'm not so sure.

I mean, I've had a lot longer than you to get used to the fact that Cochran as a surname can be really played with. Yeah, but I think you'll agree that we've avoided some of the obvious pitfalls. Well, that's because for broadcast reasons it's not appropriate. And hats off to you for that. Thank you. Towing the line. Yeah, but I'm all right about Cocker Leaky.

Well, OK. Well, I'm only doubly. Someone sent it in last week but I'm all right about cock-a-leeky. Well, OK. Well, I'm only dabbling. Someone sent it in last week. You're all right about cock-a-leeky. Your bar's pretty low. Someone sent us an email or text that said just call me leeky. What about monogatoni? Yeah, nice.

You all right with that? Yeah, I'm fine with that. OK. As long as it's those syllables. That many syllables is what I want to hear. Well, I think you'll find monogatoni is more syllables than Koko Riki. Yeah, I like that better. So the more syllables suit.

Yeah. Better. Yeah. This is the worst conversation you've ever had in both of your lives. I'm trying to think now of a standard soup. Minestrone. Are you going Minestrone? Not as many as Mologatoni. No, it's not, is it?

Don't be ridiculous. I thought that's the nearest you're going to get. Oh, no, that's the same. Bless you. Look, are you going to... Excellent. We're off. Have you boys been keeping up with Justin Diva?

Because he's almost a friend of the show now, Justin Diva. He's got interesting, hasn't he? I like it when young people get interesting. It takes a while, but I think he's got there. Are you Stiles or Bieber, looks-wise? Well, Stiles, he is a good-looking lad, but I don't think he's up here with JB. They asked him about some other thing, attacking people and stuff,

and he said, I don't need to address every speculation. And I think for a 19-year-old, that's very articulate. I'd have been glad of that phrase when the medic supplementary benefit office asked me if I was working on the side. I think for a 19-year-old, that's very articulate. I'd have been glad of that phrase when Smethwick Supplementary Benefit Office asked me if I was working on the side. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I also went to the cinema this week to see a film, the name of which I don't remember,

but it's got pines in it. It's got the word pines. Oh, that's the Ryan Gosling. Yes. Yeah. Any good? Don't have a film where the name of which I don't remember, but it's got pines in it. It's got the word pines. Oh, that's the Ryan Gosling. Yes. Any good? Don't have a film where the title is so long it's not memorisable. The Place Beyond the Pines. Because your word of mouth is. Is that what it's called? Yes.

Place Beyond the Pines. Yeah, it's about what happens is a boat works in Ikea and he's sacked and he leaves a fish in one of the stores to stink the place out. Oh, no. And it's about the search for this, where the smell's coming from. Where the place is.

Oh, no. Spoiler alert. Yeah. Well, I didn't say, well, I'm not telling you what the conclusion is. But we know the fish's place. But, yes, exactly. I know a few of us know our fish's place. But, yes, exactly. I know a few of us know our place. So I went to see the pine... Place Beyond the Pines.

Place Beyond the Pines. And it isn't really set in Ikea. No. I made that up. Except Ryan Gosling is in it. Oh, lovely. Do you think he's handsome, Frank? I think he's handsome in a dead-before-he's-30 kind of a way.

You know what I mean? He looks like he lives the wildlife to me. Oh, lovely. I don't know how old he is. He might be over 30. I don't know. It might have been make-up, but he looked a reckless character in this. It was... But anyway, before we went in, I went up for me popcorn. There's a bloke ahead of me, and he said, I'll have a bar of green and black, is it called?

Yeah. Organic chocolate. Fair enough, I suppose. Quieter than popcorn. And he said, and I'll have a glass of Chablis. What? Oh. And I mean, fair enough, they sell, I realise, they sell

wine in this, they had trainers on. A man in trainers drinking wine. At the cinema. You're worried he's going to break into a run after his glass of Chablis. I love how easily outraged you are. I am outraged. I said to the person I was with in forehearing

of this, man, you know what, I've just realised I hate wine. realized i hate wine i really hate wine you know people say oh i don't drink much have a have a glass of wine with a meal but why do you do that you idiot i hate it on sort of dating sites and things when they say hobbies i like to curl up on the sofa with a glass of red wine. Yeah. That's not a hobby. You're an alcoholic. They're not alcoholics. That's what I ate. If there's one thing I ate, it's people who drink with great reticence a glass of wine.

A glass? What good is that? I mean, it tastes horrible. We're only doing it to get drunk. Have a bottle of wine. Speak for yourself. Yeah. Anyway, he had his glass of Chablis,

and I made a big point of saying, Large popcorn. Large popcorn, please. And I said it in a tone which said, Like you should be ordering in the cinema. Which will take two minutes, and we're done. And the bloke says, Sweetie or salt?

I thought, don't drag me in on this. Sweet obvious. Did I say sweetie there? Yeah. Sweetie or salt? I thought, don't drag me in on this. Sweet, obvious. Did I say sweetie there? Yeah. I've got a friend who's a very keen Freudian, and he says every mistake you make like that is relevant. Really? Every hesitation, everything you say, if you look at it, it's real.

So I looked at Alan, and I just desperately wanted to say sweetie. I have to live with that. I'll take that. Yeah. I love you. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner?

Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. It's been a sad week. I think you'll agree. Yeah. We have seen...

To me, I don't know about you, but I didn't see this coming at all. JLS have announced that they're going to split. Yeah. I know. Now, what is... You guys have got your fingers on the pulse of popular culture. That's worrying if you're going to split. I know. Now, what is... You guys have got your fingers on the pulse of popular culture. That's worrying, if you're looking to us.

Are we your youth offensive here? What's the truth of it? Because I haven't heard anything that sounds convincing. General, that's the real story. One of them said, and I have a quote here, we never wanted to outstay our welcome in the industry. Never bothered me, I must say. They'll have to carry me out on my shield.

Now, they're nice lads, but what's happened? Have they lost their record deal of sales gone down? Well, I don't know. I mean, it's a little bit suspicious, if you ask me. It's a bit fishy. The last single, I think, was 112. That's all I'm saying. Was it?

Yeah. 112,000 oh in the charts oh I see well there's your answer then I don't know I'll need confirmation on that but I think they have talked about what they're going to do now

you see I've had an encounter have any of you boys met JLS I've met them a couple of times very neat hair all He's worked with them all. All of them are individuals. All of them have got the neatest hair I've ever seen in my life. I mean, if we'd been in a hurricane,

not one of those hairs would have moved. It's manicured. Oh, it's incredible. I've had two Marvin encounters. Here we go. I sat with Rochelle and Marvin at the Wimbledon final. Wow, that's tremendous work.

We watched Andy Murray lose. That reminds me of the time I went to the World Cup final with one of the guys from One Direction. Oh no, that never happened. Your life is like that. Mine is not. I went to, I think it was England-Columbia with Tony the Tiger. I did. Me and David Badd England, Columbia, with Tony the Tiger. I did.

Me and David Baddiel had to sit with Tony the Tiger, and we got paid, I don't know, 500 quid for being photographed sitting next to him. I must have told you this story. You could have bought your own tickets by then, surely. I know, but you know. But we wouldn't have got to go with Tony the Tiger. I must say, he was very appreciative of the whole experience. How much did he pay to sit? Who David Baddiel was?

He said it was... No, I must have told you this because... Look, he's building up to a joke, come on. No, it's not. It's a true story. He said to me... He said, I'm going to have to go and lie down for a bit. Tony the Tiger said.

Did he? No, we never said this side of him on the adverts. Had he had a few, had he? And he said, no, he said, I've got a bit of... He said, I got a bit of sunstroke last week as the Pinkverts. Had he had a few, had he? And he said, no, he said I've got a bit of sunstroke last week as the Pink Panther. And someone said to me about, he went

and we didn't see him for half an hour. And somebody said to me, Frank, you're with Tony the Tiger, aren't you? I thought, well, I never thought I'd lived. And I said, well, I'm about with him. He's sitting next to us. You see, he's lying down next to the refreshment on the floor.

And well, there was 20 minutes to go to halftime, so I said, I'll have a look at halftime, see if he's all right. But he'd gone. It's totally the tiger for you. What I was particularly interested to read was that jb gill another one of them yeah um he's going to start a deer farm yeah and he says he's currently looking uh to buy deer yeah so we know what he's doing at the moment oh lovely insertion yeah Frank. Yeah. Thanks. You haven't said that for years. Oh, God. Ian.

Yeah, he's going to start a deer farm. I didn't even know there was such a thing as a deer farm. Well, he said, not only are they beautiful to look at, I'd like them to reproduce. Yeah, I bet he would as well. I mean, the things that people do are just for one good viral. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, look, this week I had a... A letter from America. And it was from a woman called Sue Eckhart. And Sue has made me a member of her organisation, which is an esteemed member, actually. I think that's probably... Well, it's good to be an esteemed member. Yeah. I've never heard of that before, but I like the sound of it.

And an esteemed member sounds like the sort of thing that Armin Meyvers, the German cannibal, would refer. And I'll have esteemed member sounds like the sort of thing that Armin Meivers, the German cannibal, would refer. And I'll have esteemed member, please. I'm on a diet. No fried stuff. That was a reference to him on commercial radio. Who, Armin Meivers? This early? Yeah, I know. Sorry.

There isn't enough German cannibal material. No. Absolutely. If I've said that once... I'm very familiar with his work, Frank. Yeah, so I'm now a member of the American Umbrella Hat Society. Now, this has come about because you may remember that I have mentioned this before, that when I first saw the umbrella hat, I hope you're familiar with the umbrella hat. It's an umbrella that you wear as a hat. Well, I'm familiar with it, I just don't know anyone personally who would wear it.

And when I first saw it, I honestly thought, well, that is the end of the handheld umbrella. I thought, it's got no chance against that. But, you know, I was wrong about the manual gearbox. I thought once the automatic came in, no-one would be interested in that. Really? But terrible people still like the manual gearbox. What, like racing drivers?

That's one of my tests of terrible people, along with cigar smoking. See, I think terrible people like automatics. Oh, yeah. I think they're a bit, what are you driving these days? Aren't they a bit Alan Partridge? No, you see, I think people who drive automatics, they don't have any pride about their driving. Oh, OK, OK, I see that.

Because they think, they'll let the car drive i'll just move it about people with uh with manuals they want to be in control okay you know that's a convincing argument yeah so um control so anyway i really did i honestly not in a jokey way i honestly believe that the umbrella hat that that was that was going to be it and it didn't really work out and so that so now i'm a member of um of this and and sue i didn't have to pay for the membership it's quite exciting money sure i'm quite relieved to hear it so obviously i i've got a certificate which i've showed my um colleagues here and maybe we'll scan it for the website maybe we won't so i had a look on on their website they have a store yeah what can you buy there i wonder well you say that you can get mugs you can get wallets the mugs i like they come under a general category called drinkware w-a-r-a drinkware so there's glasses and bottles and yeah what what

would you guess that you can definitely get on the umbrella hat society store an umbrella hat yeah that would be incorrect no absolute absolute radio frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I like being a member. I've been a member of all sorts of organisations over the years. Yeah, you were a Johnson Society thing. Johnson Society, I'm a member of that. President. Yeah, I'm ex-president.

I'm a life member of the George Formby Society. El Presidente. I was in the Wings fan club. You were. I was. You know, Wings. Yeah, Wings. Yeah.

As in, band art. Yeah, I was a member. Oh, I know their back catalogue. I'm just a bit stunned. Well, were you a member of the RSPB, which I was? What, that's the Bird Society? Yes. No. Enamel badge I had. That's a good one booklet for watching

oh you had to take your favorites tawny uh i think it was uh the male chaffinch i liked oh tawny breast that's quite that's an obscure crush the male traffic most people just like the chaffinch but i'm not sure about the female the female. I find her crown until too tofty. I was in the Gary Glitter fan club. I think the music. I was, I really was. I honestly was. We didn't know.

Play the song. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. David Beckham. Because we haven't talked about this, guys. Oh, that's showbiz. Yeah, short memories. Oh, David Beckham, yes. Yes.

Yes, he's retired. First Sir Alex, now him. I think they had a little deal going. Why did they retire so soon? You say that, first Sir Alex, now him. If I could take you back now, if I'd got a TARDIS and we could go back to the World Cup in, was it 98? When we played Argentina and Michael Owen got that wonder goal. And then David Beckham got kicked someone and people were hanging effigies of him.

Would you believe that several years later when we're talking about retirement we've forgotten that Michael Owen is retiring at the end of the season because Beckham's is so big. What about that? That was one of those who'd have thought moments. People said, I bet you never thought, did you when you was at school in

West Midlands that you'd end up having a television. I said, well I know I did think that. And then people hate you, but I did think. I thought all the time. Sorry. He did his exit interview with Gary Neville. His exit interview? Yes, that's what I'm calling it.

I didn't know he was being killed. That's what it's called. From a Swiss clinic. That's what it's called when you leave a company, an exit interview. Oh, really? But I like that Gary Neville is turning into a sort of David Frost figure, why is he doing interviews? there'll be a film called Frost Beckham

about that it's about his highlights in the 90s you know that Paxman interview where he asked the same question 13 times, it was like that but Frank have you met him, Beckham? oh yeah, he's met them all he's worked with them all on me he said to me, I'd done him in a sketch a few times, you know, played him in a sketch.

And he said to me, and I sort of looked a bit like him. I'm interested to hear how you got yourself to look like David Beckham. Extraordinary statement. Extraordinary. Well, we had a very good make-up woman and he said to me, God, you must have a hell of a make-up woman if she could make you look like me. Good for him. Which I thought was a brilliant opening line.

Yeah. And I'll tell you something else about David. He caught up to me, he had a white suit, white shirt. Oh, my God. You know, he looked like an angel. And I had a friend who was obsessed with him, a female friend, really obsessed with him, and she was sitting on a table,

and I hadn't seen that he was there, I hadn't turned up, and I said, I won't name her, because she's a married woman now with children, but I said, let's call her Liz. So I said, there's a friend of mine over there, she's mad about you, if you went over and said hello, honestly,

and he walked over, and he just, he stood behind, it's a friend of mine over there. She's mad about you. If you went over and said hello, honestly, you would. And he walked over and he just, he stood behind. It's like he'd done it before. He tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and the look on her face was just golden. And he said, hi, I'm, hi, Liz, I'm David. And he bent down and kissed her on the cheek. And it was like a lottery win.

It was. So, yeah, a nice bloke. But one of those people who makes me think how much money do you need frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio i'm gonna tell you a story about akki you always can i spoke to akki this week and he was saying that he'd been poorly. And I think he went to hospital, actually. And this has been, it didn't happen this week, so he's better now. But they said to him, he said to me,

I don't think there's, I'm not interested in medicine and all that. He said, I think it's a load of rubbish he said i think you can drink your way out of most illnesses which is an interesting theory so he said it's a waste of time and he has always had that attitude he has no interest in doctors medicine and he's so um anyway they took him in they said what's the name of your doctor and he said doctor whatever it was Dr Matthew Jones Dr Feelgood so he said the name of the doctor

and they said right and they looked at the records they said he died 8 years ago and they checked the records and our Keith had not visited a GP for 17 years I love it Skinner Dean and Cochran for 17 years. I love it. Skinner,

Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Hi, Alan and Frank and Emily, of course. Oh, cheeky. I've got top billing there.

I would like to thank you, Alan. Emily, a little more than a postscript. I would like to thank you emily a little more than a postscript i would like to thank you for a great show in kendall on wednesday evening they put kendall mint cake in the dressing room which is sweet which was sweet oh that was an accidental pun slow-mo as it was happening they're dropping off you like windfall fruit. And the same week, I've also done a gig in Harrogate, and they had Harrogate Water. Harrogate is a spa town in it, so it's got water like bath water. Oh, yeah,

yeah. Actually, in the past, I've done a gig in Bath and had bath water, but I don't know. No, you have not. Bath water seems to me like kids drink bath water, don't they? Do you mean from the actual spa? Well, they just have bottled water, and it's called bath water. Oh, no, there is a proper spa water in Bath that has the consistency of dog saliva. Oh, no, I don't want that.

But it's given me a brilliant idea for my next tour, because the tour I'm doing is... You're going to the Virgin Islands. It's gradually... LAUGHTER ..gradually eking to a finish. But I thought I could book in for next year just places that do food and drink named after the place like you know i could start the tour in aberdeen and

have steak oh and uh and then arbroath for arbroath smokies you know the smoked fish oh yeah it's like your ricardo shop your tour isn't it't it? I'm not just going to go A. I'm just thinking that's probably near, because it's both Scotland, isn't it? I could do them in the same couple of nights. I think that would be a great idea for a tour. It's a great... Get publicity for it.

Do you think? Yeah. I could turn it into, like, you know, some crazy... A bit of Sardinia would be good. I'm not sure I'd make much money with the Italian economy. I thought they'd be crammed in. Oh, what about the Black Forest, Frank? Lovely. Yes. What happened to her?

I knew. Sorry. Melton Mowbray. What about a gig in Melton Mowbray, the port park? Oh, yeah. What about Bakewell in Derbyshire? Oh, lovely. Cherry Bakewell tart.

Yeah. Which is actually some graffiti I wrote on the box for his tour bus. Well, it could be a world tour, though. It could be... I could go right to Alaska. Oh, Harvey's Bristol Cream. I'll give you a call then. I love that stuff.

Is that in Bristol? Yes. I wonder if it's got Bristol in the name. It's not in Harvey. I just thought it might be the name of a... Yeah. I thought it might be the name of a drink. But that sounds good. It is the name of a drink. And's not in Harvey. I just thought it might be the name of a... Yeah. I thought it might be the name of a drink, but that sounds good. It is the name of a drink.

And it's in Bristol. Yeah. Kendall Mink Cake is the name of a sweet. It's only when you do it. No, I didn't know that Harvey's Bristol Cream was a Bristol thing. It could have been a different Bristol. What do you mean? What different Bristol? I thought it could be the name of a breast milk.

LAUGHTER What different Bristol? I thought it could be like the name of a press milk I think we need to talk about George George Michael He's got himself into a little bit of trouble Like Frank Spencer? Yeah It's another driving related. It's vehicular, as the cockerel would say. It is vehicular.

It wasn't him at the wheel. No. I hadn't quite worked that out. He's on a ban. To be honest. Oh, is he banned? Yes. I don't know if anyone had quite worked it out.

I don't know if George knew, to be honest. I like I'm shocked that George Michael has got a driving ban. Yeah. Well. Yes, it was a driving ban. Yeah. Well. Yes, it was a very interesting and very literal example of life in the fast lane. Yeah. He was lying in it, I think. In case you don't know, George allegedly, do we have to say allegedly or is it established now?

I think it's established. He fell out of a car on the M1. We've all done it. He was trying to close the passenger door. Yeah, of another car on the M1. We've all done it. He was trying to close the passenger door. Yeah, of another car that was going past. Yeah, trying to close the car door and falling out. What about his seatbelt? Didn't that help?

I don't think he... What, hold it? No. Be very careful. I'm sure he was wearing one. There's a possibility that he wasn't, according to the news article. What about what the son said?

Scrape me up before you go, Sloane. I mean, really. That's lovely. I actually find it more acceptable than doing his new single at the Olympic closing ceremony. I think he's actually stead. You know, it's one of these cases

where someone close to George needs to step in and say, George, you all right? Do you know that? I don't think he can be blamed for being in a car. I suppose he can for trying to do his own... I don't really think... I'm not here to abortion blame.

That's not my role. But I'm saying George is getting himself into a series of scrapes. I don't think anyone's going to argue with that. He literally got in a scrape. He scraped his tracksuit top, it said. Black and gold Adidas. I love the fact that he was on a long journey in a tracksuit. It just made me think of me.

I was thinking, oh, he's probably had his belt on drive setting as well. You know, I loosen my belt off a notch. Sometimes you see that Elton John was in... Oh, he loves the tracksuits? You'll wear like a white shell Yeah, he's obviously flying somewhere or he's getting a long car journey I don't know if he is, I think he's trying to sweat

off a pound or two I drove to a tour date in my tracksuit the other day It was lovely, it was a great feeling I think George though, I think he needs to realise he's not suited to driving long term There are some things in life For example, I tried horse riding. No good, is it? No.

Oh, lovely, Alan. He should try an alternative form of transport, walking. He could horse ride, couldn't he? He's got those lovely parks around Hamster Teeth. He could walk round there, for example. But he wasn't driving. No, he was a passenger.

You don't want to be driving at night in mirrored aviators. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, do you want to hear my latest obsession? Oh, yes. Because, you know, I go from obsession to obsession like a bee goes from flower to flower. I've noted that about you. Yes, pollinating. Yes.

Well, to be fair, Frank, YOLO. And even when I slightly, yeah, well, it's true. Yeah. Why don't Coldplay, in an attempt to make themselves a bit cooler, do a slight modification on yellow? And it was all YOLO. And then kids would say, you know, we were wrong about Coldplay. They're not cold, they're cool.

Even if they do buy their clothes. Coldplay. They could, they're cool. Even if they do buy their clothes. Coldplay. Even if they do buy their clothes from the out-of-deck shop. Get me Chris Martin. Get me Chris Martin now. On the phone. He'll be up. He'll be up watching, um...

I bet he's watching National Geographic. How do you think so? Come on, Chris. No, she watches French TV. Yes, it'll all be French and Italian. We talked about that, didn't we? Of course she does. We all approved, actually.

We thoroughly approved. Education by stealth. Fabulous. Can I text my... I text Boz, my child, in case you're a new reader. She takes him to a show... Not a show, really. Show?

What's going on? A gathering of mothers and children where they sing in French. I like that. Yeah. Prayer of Jacque and all that. I think it's more a... Master of the house! Everybody loves their landlord!

But in French. I don't know why... I hope it's not a song that Al Murray opens for. Why doesn't Al Murray open with Everybody loves their landlord? Oh, that's a good idea. Sorry, Emily, I've talked all over you. No, you didn't. No, I did.

It all went a bit mottler week. What did you say? I'm sorry. No, I was just worried about what French songs. I thought it might be a bit Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg. Oh, I hope so. That's a great song. Maybe I'll play that next week.

I want to play that next week. I'm opening with that next week. I want to play that next week. I'm opening with that next week. You pointed at me emphatically. Like some sort of Labour MP in the 70s. You've gone strange since 8 o'clock. I quite like it. The reason I pointed, I think, is I've just, my

wasp sting arthritis cure has really kicked in this week. For the first time I've managed, my hand for years has looked like the lottery symbol. Yeah. And finally, it's clicked it. And I'm thinking no pointing is an option for me. Mm-hm.

So that's good. I like it when he said his tartar is even. My new obsession is the Soviet Union. Extraordinary statement. I'm pining for it. I know it gets a lot of bad press, you know, the gulags and all that. The goulash gets good press. The goulash is fabulous.

Yeah, it does get quite bad press. It does, yeah. Yes. But, you know that Peter Sellers film, when he plays the trade union leader, and the bloke says, have you ever been to Russia? And he said, no, but I fancy all those cornfields and ballet in the evenings. I've watched a couple of documentaries,

just like, it looks great. It looks great. Why can't we become a communist society? And just do what the government tells us to do. And have big pageants with missiles. And have pretty blonde girls in traditional dress carrying flowers and muscular men

in vests working hard. Wouldn't we be happier? A headscarf on the lady. What would be easier? Definitely be choosing bread when you're in the supermarket. I love queuing. Also clothes. Are you talking about I think you're talking about those Russian propaganda I love curing them. Also, clothes. Are you talking about,

I think you're talking about those Russian propaganda posters, I'm calling them. I'm talking about the whole thing except for the gulags. Hold the gulags. Yeah, exactly. Hold the gulags. I've used that line before. But sometimes they just

won't. And sometimes they do, but they're brutish. I don't want to talk about the Hotel Intercontinental. OK. But it just looks great. When was the last time you went to a really brilliant pageant? Pageants are rubbish in England. I'm still on gulags.

OK. They are. They're rubbish. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank're rubbish. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Boys, we need to talk about Kim. Boys. Yes. We need to talk about Kim. Boys, boys, boys. It would have been a great Korean movie. Yes. Well, this is not Kardashian.

This is Kim Jong-un. Yes. And I've got a bit of an obscure crush on him, I have to say. He's a bit Elvis. He's a bit young Elvis, I think. I'll tell you what I like. I've always thought it looks really cool, that very short sides on hair. Sort of buzz cut.

I love that. Yeah. He's got a great buzz cut. Brilliant hair. It's called a high top. Brilliant hair, not a great human rights record. But no moustache, so he's probably okay. Well, yeah, exactly. I think that's what we should look...

Do you think that bodes well? They're not good at moustaches, the Orientals. Eel wasn't a fan either. I don't know where Oon stands, but Eel wasn't a fan. Was it on here that I was bemoaning the loss of the Fu Man Tumor stuff? Yes. Very probably. Why doesn't he get one of those? Why don't you ask him? He seems

a reasonable guy. He's been having a sort of bromance with Dennis Rodman for my basketball stuff. Have you heard about this? It's one of the most remarkable It's one of my favourite pairings that I've ever seen in photograph history. It's my favourite politician-stroke-celebrity pairing

since George I and Peter the Wild. They're such an unlikely pairing. I believe that this may be the beginning of a cop film. That's how unlikely friends they are. I can't imagine they aren't about to solve a crime together whilst not getting on all the way. That's right. Rodman and who?

Although they are getting on. And he, yeah, Rodman let out a state secret, didn't he, when he went back to America and said, oh, yeah, he's got a daughter. He doesn't understand. They're quite secretive there. Him and Kim. Him and Kim.

Him and Kim. That's the programme. Yeah. Kim. Him and Kim. Him and Kim. That's the programme. Yeah. I like that. Yeah. If it had been Mel Gibson, it would have been perfect. Mel and Kim. What a chance they missed there.

Is it too late? Yeah, I think it is. I think there's more of a chance you'd get on with Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson, I think. I think Mel Gibson might be a bit more a right wing. And Kim Jong-un. Yeah, or whatever Kim... I don't know what wing they are, really.

I imagine them... I like to think they've become sort of... Because he called him friends for life. He said, he's my friend for life. Well, the last time I saw an example of Dennis Rodman in friendship mode was when he left the Big Brother house and turned to the remaining men and went,

hey, string fellows. I wonder if he said that to Kim Jong-un as they left. Hey, Kim, string fellows. I'll be there. I think Friends for Life is North Korean for bezzy mates, isn't it? That's it. They're bezzy mates now. I think he might have given him one of those sort of Clinton's cards

with the teddy bear holding a heart. I hope he did that. Ah, brilliant. But he did say... So, firstly, he's sung like a canary. He's revealed too much information about the regime. They're not very open. They like to keep things...

But there was only one photo in circulation of Kim Jong-un. But Dennis Rodman has tried to sort of intervene politically, which I don't like it when they do that, the celebrities. You don't think that's his role? Well, he did say... Well, surely it's democracy. We can all intervene politically. That's what it's about.

He says he loves basketball and so does President Obama, so they have that in common. And there is even more they could talk about if Obama would just pick up the phone and call him. Yeah, I didn't like that. It felt a bit like my mate fancies you. I didn't like that. I don't want Dennis Rodman being a go-between in international affairs.

Well, why not? What about if he brought about... I must say, the frustrating thing for me is I've just made this series for Channel 5 called Frank Skinner's North Korea. And I feel that I've been slightly... You know, you missed a pun there. You could have had Frank Skinner's Comedy Korea. Yeah, but it's a very serious stuff. Non-comedy career.

You take it very seriously. Yeah, I don't want to have a programme called Frank Skinner's non-comedy career. Why not? Well, I've already got I Love My Country to look forward to. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Also this week I went to see The Scottish Play, as it's known. Oh.

Macbeth. Yeah, yeah. I've said it. You've said that, don't you? Oh, James McAvoy. James McAvoy was in it with the blue eyes. Now, is that the one where he had stage rage? Yes.

Yes, someone filmed him or something. And he hates being filmed. It's very in the round. They're very close. I think some of them probably got a bit splattered because it's one of those with a lot of blood knocking around. It's a lot of blood.

You know, some people do Macbeth and they think, let's get the blood out. It's a very male sort of. And for me, too Scottish. Too Scottish? Why? The Scottish play was too Scottish. And for me, too Scottish. Too Scottish? Why? The Scottish play was too Scottish. It was too Scottish.

I mean, you can see how they've gone that way. James Macbeth, too Scottish, Frank Skinner. What were they doing, eating shortbreads? No, they were talking Scottish. Talking Scottish? You sound like a person that's read Trainspotting. Do you know what I mean? They were saying,

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in, let's pay a pace. And you think, don't do it like that. It's too Scottish. It's Scottish. It's a Scottish play. So what? So what?

Well, so what? All right, do it Welsh. Do it in RP if you want. Have you ever heard Hamlet say, to be or not to be? That is the question. He doesn't do it Scandinavian. Yeah.

You don't get the Moor of Venice saying, well, I was a man, I was a man of love and a desert man. Just keep, just don't do it like that. Oh, I like that. So Scottish. I blame McAvoy. just keep just don't do it like that oh I like that so so Scottish I blame McAvoy

he's come in and he's thought this is my chance to be Scottish because often in films you know people don't want it are you suggesting

it's his Martin McCutcheon moment I think it's his moment when he thinks he's going to get back he's um you know he's

was it modern dress Frank it was I tell you what it was modern because I don't like Coriolanus in a t-shirt I'd say it was sort, Frank? It was, I'll tell you what it was modern. Because I don't like Coriolanus in a t-shirt. I'd say it was sort of homeless chic.

It was, it looked like there'd been, it was sort of post-nuclear. Everyone was in, everyone was very shabbily dressed. Shabbily dressed and too Scottish, Frank Skinner. Very male. They were very physical. You know when you drive past a school and there's kids outside sort of wrestling. Yeah. And one always

looks like they want to and one always looks like they don't really, they're being picked on. They were like that, the actors were like that all the time. Oh, right. Wrestling and shoving each other about. You know what he's upset about? No cloaks. Oh, yeah. I do, I think there was a cloak in the whole thing, actually. Because they don't like a cloak up there.

Let's face it. Kilt, they like. There was a kilt, either. Was there a dagger? Surely there was a dagger. Oh, God, there was a dagger. It was meant to be. You know, there was a dagger,

but I was damned if I could see. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio