The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Best of 2

Episode Date: December 28, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Remember them? You can email us if you go to our website, www, you know, the Absolute website. Who ever? Who's the last person who typed in www? I love it when you say www. Have you ever? When's the last time you did that? I'll just type in www slash. Nobody does that. Google.

Ask Jeeves. Yahoo. So many options. So little time. It's a Bing as well. It's Bing and a Lord. Bing? Bing.

Where the blue of the night... You see, this is where we are with technology. ...meets the goal. Say, if you're looking for the Absolute Radio website, why not try this baby? Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo. Nice. I like to get the kids early on with my Bing Crosby impression.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. The show started in quite a depressing way for me. When the cockerel, who it's a delight to have back, I may say, said, where's that toilet roll we normally keep in the studio? Well, I've got one of my heavy colds. When you say one of your heavy colds, that sounds very show showbiz euphemism. No, no, you know, I was mocked for saying I had a heavy cold on this show once. Mocked?

Mocked, honestly. It's like the temptation of Christ. The caustic humour that I heard that day at the expense of saying I had a heavy cold. I denied him three times when he cried. Oh, no. We've missed you, though, Frank. Well, I haven't missed the show. I've just been away for a week.

I've missed you, though. I knew you were out of the country, and I don't like it when you're out of the country. I was on France. That's all right. Did you go on France? I did. I was on what I think you would call a group holiday.

Group on? You got it changed? You got a group on holiday? I don't know what that means, but I'm laughing. So as to appear like I've got my finger on the point. Thanks, getting on Groupon. Feet on the ground. I went away with a group of people.

I knew one, it was like all couples and kids. You know, I'm at that stage now, I have a child of my own, that you have to go away with couples and kids. Oh, yeah. So it was my first one of those. Yeah, it's my first one of those. I can go away with football and kids. Oh, yeah. So it was my first one of those. Yeah, it's my first one of those. I can go away with footballers and lap dancers. Yeah.

That's the way I roll. That's the plus you have. Yeah. So I went away with, I knew one of the couples, but the other couples I didn't know. Oh, newbies. And they didn't know me. So they weren't.

They must have been aware of your work, though. I think they were slightly aware. They didn't know your stories, darling. They didn't know me. So they weren't... They must have been aware of your work, though. I think they were slightly aware. They didn't know your stories, darling. They didn't know my little ways. I know your ways, darling. That was the problem. And I look back now, I feel a bit bad about the whole experience. They were good people.

Am I going to have to leave the studio? No, they were good people, though. They were all... I think all of them, if not most of them, were card-carrying members of the Labour Party. They'd all done good stuff, you know, worked with the homeless and stuff like that. And I... I don't. I don't.

You don't. I don't work with the homeless. I don't. You let one of them sign your arm once. That's the closest I've seen to you. The closest he's come to them is outside Nobu. Did I sign their arm? No, he signed your arm.

Oh, yeah, you're right. I signed his arm, I just wet a finger. No, so... And they were, you know, they're people who'd done proper stuff that you're supposed to do, help people and, you know... They'd given back. They'd canvassed, they'd gone door to door for the Labour Party and stuff like that.

I vote, but I don't know any of that. But they were the nice... I'm the bad guy in this story, I'm going to be straight with you. And I just think that sometimes... For a fact, me and... I'm going to be straight with you. And I just think that sometimes, for a fact, me and, I'm trying to get myself off the hook, but I don't know if I was on my best behaviour. Yes, I'm away with it, with

these people who I didn't know very well. On your group on holiday that you got off your iPhone. He doesn't know what that is, stop using it. Yeah, just stop picking on me. Bargain. Can we establish, are you in a villa at this point? Yes, we're in a... Can we have the kudo setting, please?

We're in a French villa, not far from Bergerac. Ooh, lovely. Obviously, he moves about. Yeah. But when I got there, I saw him in a car outside. I think he was casing. So on the first night I got there, and we got there quite late. We sat down for dinner.

I'd been there about an hour. And somebody said, oh, I've got to do this thing with Princess Anne. Because a lot of them were sort of charity work and stuff. And he said, I've got to do a thing with Princess Anne. And one of the guys said, which one is that? Which one is Princess Anne? Which is, you know. And I said, what? You don't know who Princess Anne is?

Hold on. I said, do you not know who she is, or are you pretending you don't know who she is to be cool? So, can I just add, Rich, this is the first night... I'd been there an hour and ten minutes. And I thought it was a perfectly... And I felt it hadn't gone as... I felt there was a bit of a tension in the air.

And then the next day there was another thing. Kath actually said to me, will you just calm down? Well, when we was on our own. Will you just calm down? She said, I think you're on the defensive because all the men are younger and fitter than you. Oh. Well, that hurt. Is that what it was, though?

Or had you not noticed that that's what it was at that point? I'm honestly, I'm not... She'd noticed at that point. That's the problem. They were all really good people. And not, you know, they weren't... Like, there was nothing about me being there. They weren't impressed by celebrity.

Obviously, that upset me. That's where they went wrong. Yeah. They were young and sick, yeah. And then we were talking about canvassing, you know, knocking on people's doors wearing a rosette and stuff like that, which I've said I could never do that. I said, I think that's the worst.

I can't imagine anything worse than knocking on someone's door in a rosette. And they were all saying, no, no, no, no, no. And one of them said, you know, it's actually really interesting. I said, but not for someone of my intellect. And again, it was meant as a sort of said, but not for someone of my intellect. And again, it was meant as a sort of... Please tell me you didn't say that. It was meant as a joke, though.

No, it was meant as a joke, I think. Really? Yeah. You only think so, though. No, I'm almost certain I meant it as a joke. And what's wrong with him? And then the And what's wrong with him? And then this...

The last one really was an accident. Oh, something was worse than what you've just said. On the last day, someone was talking about the fact that the kitchen was a bit, you know, a bit dirty. And I said, this is nothing compared to my kitchen. I said, my kitchen... Honestly, this is like an operating theatre compared to mine. My kitchen's terrible.

And then I said, I honestly, I said, I'm amazed, people. I must spend more time with ordinary people. But what I meant was, people who have the normal standards of hygiene and what a house should look like and stuff like that. I didn't mean ordinary people. No. No, it sounded that way, though, didn't it? But I tell you, I'm starting to think I can't mix with people anymore.

I just say they're on... It's like I'd imagine if you were on a holiday with Michael Parkinson, which we'd say... You know when people get to a certain age, they just say stuff. I've become that person. And when I left, I've never had a less... They threw a party to celebrate? We went round handshaking and hogging off,

and it's the least emotional farewell I've ever been. I really felt like I... To be fair, you'd only known him since Monday, though, hadn't you? I know, but it was long enough. And I cannot emphasise that everybody was very nice to me. Oh. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

I was telling you earlier that we'd had some lovely tweets, actually, from people who'd been to see your gig this week, but you don't like to hear praise. No, I don't, but I thank them. But it's positive. I thank them remotely. Well, if you're anti-praise, you may be interested in this text. Hold on, this is an attack.

No, not at all. I think it's more like a texted concern from Dandyman. Is Mr Radio feeling OK? His intro sounded like he was in a bad mood. Hope everything's OK with the big man. He's calling you the big man there. Yeah, I don't know why. Do you know Scottish people like to do that?

They do. I'll tell you what happened there, Dandy Man, is that I had no idea what I was going to say. I mean, even at the very last split second, as my lips began to part, I did not know what I was going to say before I said. Well, he's misunderstood your... Yeah.

Yeah. So, no, everything's fine, but thanks, thank you. And if there's a, if I do need cheering up and there's a problem need solving, I think the dandy man can. Ooh, lovely. So, yeah, so I have, I've been doing stand-up gigs. You've been doing what I call your gigs.

Yeah, and I haven't really done what I'd call proper stand-up for five years, so it's been an interesting experience. I always, when I go into something like this, I'll be absolutely honest with you, I always think it's going to be an earth-shattering success. I mean, I really do. an earth-shattering success. I mean, I really do. I really think the first night,

all the new stuff will go so brilliantly. Do you fantasise it might be on News at Ten? They might actually report. I fantasised about there being a lot of stuff on Twitter about it's one of the best gigs I'd ever seen. I honestly did fantasise. I don't dream a lot in an extremely positive way about my career. I find I've had to since the Sony nominations. The Sony nominations, I thought we'd get maybe four or five.

I thought it'd be one of those. Did you? I thought that. It'd be a Nick Ferrari year. And I never learn. So I always think it's really, honestly, I can't tell you how brilliant I think it's going to be. I partly blame this show because I always imagine that everything I say on this show back home with the listeners

is absolutely bringing the house down. And, of course, I don't know any better. You two aren't allowed to read out negative text. So I live in a beautiful cloud cuckoo world of 100% success. It's great. But I'll give you an example of how my bubble burst. It's like being a Middle Eastern dictator. I like that. But internal.

Yeah. Comedy death spot. At least my elaborate gold bathtub palace is in my head. This is very true. I can confirm that. Yeah, well there was a few times this week when my statue was pulled over and somebody hit it with a flip-flop. Because, for example,

I think I got over-ambitious because I feel I can do anything on this show. I kind of thought, well, this is my chance to hear those laughs I don't normally get to hear. So, anyway, this was one of the gags that didn't go so well. Right, and perhaps you can workshop it with me,

Alan, you being a professional comedian. Oh, this isn't going to be remotely mortificado. So I said, right, this is my impression, bear in mind, this is how overconfident I think I've got. You've got a bit Yarlwoodian. I said, yeah, this is my impression of George Gershwin yawning.

Nothing. See, in a weird way, it's bad to tell me this, because comedians love hearing about other comedians' films. But can you imagine how loud the silence was after that? Yeah, but I like it. I think it's funny. But do you get it? Yes. I don't know anyone there got it.

Of course we get it. No, no one there. What if they got it? They just said, well, I'll get it but what about it which is even worse please let me live in the belief they didn't get it not that they got it and treated it with utter contempt that would be too much but i always it's this it's this i imagine now that our our readers at home are still laughing at the george Gershwin. Do you? They're not hearing this bit of the show.

Do you, Colonel Gaddafi? Yeah. Because they're laughing so loudly. We can say anything now, but they can't hear us. They're breathless. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Uh, 160. Hi, Frank. I was at the gig last night and I loved everything,

even the bits that no-one else laughed at. There's a little insight. That's from Gordon in the front row. Oh, I remember Gordon in the front row. Oh, do you? Hey, Gordon. How you doing? It's been too long, hasn't it? Last night.

No, I don't remember. He was smiling inside, that's all I can say. We've also had a text from Stuart saying, Lewis, my 11-month-old son liked the Gershwin joke. How old is his son? 11 months old, but he likes Gershwin-based humour. 740, your audience could star in a silent movie. Oh, that's harsh. That is harsh, isn't it?

That's harsh. Aroma. If they did that, if they did like a clip of the show and then cut to the audience, silent, and then put up like one of those old-fashioned cards, but blank. Work it out. Yeah, that's great.

Well, this news just in from 669. I'm coming to see Frank tonight with three friends. Oh. I'll lay odds that the Gershwin joke will go over the head of one particular friend. See you later. Oh, don't worry, we'll be hearing the Gershwin joke. It's not made the cuts, has it gone?

He's coming with three friends. I can only hope that it's Tom Core. Yeah. Oh, nice. Oh, you like the Cores. Wouldn't he put three family members there? No, I think they became friends. I never really believed the family thing, did you?

You don't believe it? One of the things you don't believe, like the Cores are related. I think that was PR, wasn't it? You know... Like the White Stripes. No, the Lowland Sisters were around at the moment. It was sort of an Irish thing, wasn't it, to sort the white stripes no well like the Lowland sisters were around at the moment so it was sort of an Irish thing

wasn't it to sort of pretend you were related I think Westlife tried it for a bit and then it was yeah that I was unaware of

bewitched yeah well they all claimed they were called West and then incidents happened and that became an unpopular surname

to abandon the whole thing yeah look it I've googled it this is Frank Skinner to abandon the whole thing. Yeah, look it up, Google it. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We need to talk about Justin. Yeah, I was looking at my watch,

I thought it must be Bieber time soon. Justin time. He's almost becoming friend of the show. What's your opinion of him in the S&M community, by the way, Bieber? I think he needs a good hiding. I don't know, there's any doubt about that. I mean, he got into trouble

this week. Now, was this fair? I think he's a nice lad, Justin, deep down. You know what Justin has done? He's done a beautiful thing, because he's responded to Anne Frank as a sort of fellow, young person. Yeah.

What if she had had that life where she could have been a believer and lived a normal life like teenagers do? It would have been a beautiful thing. And he's hit that nail absolutely on the head. And I respect him for that. He has rescued, rescued Anne Frank. Good old Justin. That's what I say. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I was invited to be on the Sky coverage of the Oscars, which sounded really exciting and lovely. But having had a baby this year, I'd seen one of the filmscars which sounded really exciting and lovely but having had a baby this year i'd seen um one of the films i think i nominated so um that was a bit of a waste of battery but no i've it's a bit did you stay up i stayed up i watched uh i get quite excited by yes that's very steve i can imagine you staying up well it's it's trying to find somewhere because i haven't got a tv channel that shows it so trying to find somewhere, because I haven't got a TV channel that shows it, so trying to find live streaming on the internet.

That's going in your head? We use one of their rivals. Oh. I didn't know they had any rivals. We use Virgin Media. Oh, okay. Slightly better broadband, I find. Is it the David Tennant thing that's drawn you in?

I've been sucked in by that. I can understand it. So you couldn't tell. How did you want it then? So I found live streaming on a dodgy internet connection. But it's quite a nerve-wracking thing because you don't want to associate the words live streaming when you're seeing Shirley Bassey

sing a song. No. Just because she's of a certain age you worry. Yes, she might be live streaming. Yeah. Well, let's hope not. Did you see the filthy creep incident with Jack Nicholson? I did. Now, what do you guys think? So we should say Jennifer Lawrence is being interviewed. Jennifer Lawrence, in case you don't know, is like a very pretty young actress who was nominated for...

Well, they know J-Law. Yeah, OK. J-Law's big. And then suddenly, in mid-interview, though, it's not like he just went up to her in the party after. She was being interviewed on the television. By George Stephanopoulos. And Jack Nicholson turns up.

Is this one of your dreams? What was great about it is that she didn't play like a professional actress. To him, she went, oh, it's lovely to meet you. As soon as he went away, she went, oh! She was like the teenage girl on The Night Boss who'd just been

spoken to by a homeless. She wasn't trying to hide. Then he came up and said, I'll see you later. She said, oh, my God. She said, I need a rear-view mirror. Such a good gag. I hope I wasn't talking about that particular moment. Because he tried to chat up Anna Friel a few years ago.

Did he? And she'd said to him, you're old enough to be my grandad. To which he replied, yeah, but you still talk to me for ten minutes. To which she wants to reply, that's not impressive at all. Well done for not needing the bathroom in those ten minutes, you old man. Yeah, but we don't know what happened after. Jack knows. He's in with a shout because he's Jack Nicholson.

And I think he's thinking, time's running out. I'm just going to play every card in my hand. I don't want to be left holding any cards. I'm going to go for all of them. And he really did... I mean, I know, isn't he? It was a bit Lord Renard in lots of ways. But it was...

It's sort of Jack Nicholson. You sort of don't... I was going to say, Frank, if it was Dame Maggie Smith doing it to Daniel Radcliffe, I'd have a problem with that. Yes. You're right. I'm just going to hold on to that idea.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's very exciting, a papal election. I love all the, you know, black smoke, white smoke and all that stuff. Oh, yeah. Accepto is the moment I like.

Yeah. And I've said that a lot in my time. Black smoke is a sort of a no decision sort of a, that's what that means. And white pope, white, not white pope, white smoke. What happens if it's a black pope? Is it still white smoke? Or is it more black smoke? What if it's a black Pope? Is it still white smoke? Or is it more black smoke? What if it's a Rastafarian Pope?

Is it smoke, but for three days? I don't know what happens there. We've actually had an email on the subject. It's just a tie, apparently. Louis Walsh decides who's the next Pope. No, but then he says, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't be forced to choose.

Oh, darn, Dermot. Dermot. He won't do it. And, of course, there I can't be forced to choose. Dermot! Dermot! He won't do it. And, of course, there was, I think it was in the 13th century, when it snowed in, it wasn't actually, it was held in Albano, I think, and it snowed so badly that none of the cardinals could get. And the new pope had to be decided by the Paul's panel. I might start saying acceptor if someone asks me on a date.

I love it. If they get the reference, they're in. You'll just get some smoke. And then habamus papam. No, I'm sorry, not on a first date. Wouldn't that be great? Not on a first date. If you're in a bar and someone said, do you fancy going out on a date? And you've got, say, black smoke

in one shoulder and white smoke in the other. An email from Gary Percival who said, Frank, I've decided that as you're a committed Catholic with modern ideas, you are the best candidate for the papacy. I've launched the idea on Twitter and David Baddiel has retweeted my message to his followers. We've got a few people interested. Check out the Twitter hashtag Frank Skinner for Pope and hopefully the idea will gather momentum.

Who knows, in the not-too-distant future, you could be the lucky winner of a white hat and a new chauffeur-driven car. Yeah, but look what you could have won. Nice. Speedboat. We're going to pay for speedboat. So there's a campaign. There is public desire. I could be Pope.

Are you baptised Catholic, Steve? I'm baptised Catholic, yes. You could be Pope. If you're a baptised male... Oh, you're allowed? That's it. You don't have to be. Oh, I'm I am baptised Catholic, yes. You could be Pope. If you're a baptised male... Oh, you're allowed? That's it. You don't have to be... Oh, unruled out on two counts, then.

Yeah, but... Yeah, you could... I don't know about you. I actually looked up the Twitter campaign, and it's a real thing. He's not lying. So we can... The only person who's retweeted it is David Bidell,

so the only person who supported it is a Jew, who might have some reason to want to bring down the Catholic Church. But already that suggests I'm bringing people together. I'm not even Pope yet. I've already healed 2,000 years of hurt. I'm not sure it's the kind of job you can get

via a Twitter campaign though, Frank. I do think you'd be a very good... Well, he lost it via a Twitter campaign, as far as I can tell. Would you want the job, Steve? I don't think I'm ready for it... Well, he lost it via a Twitter campaign, as far as I can tell. Would you want the job, Steve? I don't think I'm ready for it. Well, I studied theology at university. Oh, come on, then. You're a tailor made. I feel like I'm overqualified.

I feel like I'd ask too many questions. Yeah, but I tell you what, I'd like Arkes in the Vatican. That'd be good. Love it. I'll tell you what, though, I'd miss trousers. I know, I know know we slag them off but I'd like that to be

your first message from St Peter's I'll tell you what I'm going to miss trousers what I really love the idea of all this is that when there's two popes

there's the Pope Emeritus and the Pope that if there's a real bad crisis it'll be like that episode of Doctor Who the three doctors

when the previous doctors come back and they work together against evil that if there's a real bad crisis, it'll be like that episode of Doctor Who, The Three Doctors, when the previous doctors come back and they work together against evil. That'll be brilliant. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I think I've said on here before, one of my absolute pet hates is people talking to Miss Piggy in an interview

as if it's a real person. Yeah. And it came on last night, and I said to my girlfriend, oh, my God, is they going to do that thing? And she said, I don't know what your problem is with it. And I said, well, one of the things is the way, if it's a bloke, he feels he has to flirt with what is essentially foam latex. And, of course, he did exactly that.

He flirted. and of course he did exactly that. He flirted and she was off with the woman, which is what she always is. It's a terrible, desolate experience. Money was raised, but if they'd have asked me, if they'd have said, look, Miss Big is going to raise £220,000, I'd say, I'll send you £230,000, don't have her on. But they didn't ask me.

Well, I think they raised £75 million last night. Yeah. Jimmy Carr could have done that at a stroke. Well, at last. And he would have been, at last, he would have been even with the government. But now instead we have to, I mean, don't get me wrong, there was many marvellous things on last night, but I cannot tolerate the interviewing of Miss Piggy in any context. But now instead we have to... I mean, don't get me wrong, there was many marvellous things on last night,

but I cannot tolerate the interviewing of Miss Piggy in any context. You did your bit, Frank, for comic relief. I did. No, not on the night. Oh, you didn't do the night. No, you were part of the preamble. I'm part of the preamble, yeah. Well, more importantly, you made it... Never mind all that. You made it onto the Daily Mail sidebar of shame.

For those that don't know, we need to say what you did, Frank. I kissed a man and I didn't much care for it. I think that would have gone as a Katy Perry song. You kissed Greg Davis. I kissed Greg Davis. A big man. The show was going so badly that we went to the um i don't agree we went to the crisis rescue comic relief moment which is two people kissing who you think

would never normally kiss and two men would normally kiss a little bit outdated yeah i think the kissing on comic relief on it reveals the dark side of the British public can I be honest I think you suited it if you didn't have such a fabulous and beautiful life partner I think you looked comfortable I've always thought I'd be happy as a homosexualist I mean some of the nuts and bolts I might find

a little difficult at first, but there's lots of things about it. I like the neatness and keeping yourself smart and clean. You'd think you'd get that with Greg Davis. No, well, I don't know if he'd be the right partner. Well, he's too tall for all of us. You had what I have, Frank, that syndrome, like a monkey climbing up a tree. Because you were clinging on to him.

It's how I imagine the crankies must kiss. Because he literally raised me into the air. Which the scary thing was I realised his hands was behind his back at the time. It was won by Anthony Cotton, in case you don't know, who

tap danced. And beautifully. Shuffle hop step tap ball change. He dropped a time step on them, did he? The drama school flashback. Blimey, I didn't even know asthmatics could tap dance. Do you tap dance? I can tap dance, but only about...

You... Only about as far as I've just said. I don't even think I've got the rhythm right on the time step. If I had to write a league table of people who tap dance, I can't tell you how low you would have been. No, Frank, I see him as a sort of Billy Elliot type. Do you? Yes!

That's how I got myself out of the slums of West Yorkshire. You danced, Ed. It's very like Billy Elliot. It's got the rainbow top on, lovely. I'll tell you, I would love to... I'll pay a grand for Comet Relief to see you tap dance. OK. Have you still got your taps?

I haven't actually got taps, but I'll just get some tappy shoes. I'll bring them in in a board. It'll be like, you know...'ll just get some tappy shoes. I'll bring them in and a board. It'll be like, you know... You'll get some tappy shoes? What does that mean? They're shoes that are a bit clippy, can't you? Can you? And you can put them on a board.

I don't know. That doesn't sound very Black Swan. A bit clippy. It's a different world. Not saying that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Dear Mr Radio, Divine Miss M and the Cockerel. Morning.

Where stand you on the Northampton Clown? Wow, the Northampton Clown. I'm glad you've raised this. In case you don't know the Northampton Clown, it's a man, we think it's a man anyway, it might not be, I suppose, who appears in full clown outfit. It's fairly standard clown chic.

Yeah, I think it's... Supposedly it's based on a Stephen King clown character, isn't it? But anyway, it's a clown who appears in Northampton, often in, like, the early hours of the morning, unaccompanied. Yeah. And it's been frightening people. He's got the clown chic, but he's let himself down on the footwear. He's got a Converse trainer.

No, he hasn't gone for an oversized shoe? No. Oh, well, if he's listening, I've got some clown shoes in my office. But how often do you see a fine, fancy dress outfit let down by footwear? Yes. You know what I mean? You'll see someone, oh, look at that lovely monk outfit. Trainers?

December. Santa's in Reeboks. It's not right. monk outfit trainers. December? Santa's in Reeboks. When people try to finish off a cowboy outfit with just a pair of lace-up shoes. What about a ghost outfit with a minicab driver's lip on?

I can't abide that. But is this person definitely a clown or have they just not rubbed their moisturiser in? Because there are mornings I look in the mirror and I think, you know, I really do need a... I need to have another go at that. I need to go full Pat's make-up. I'm pallid.

He's almost albino, Frank, I'd say, this character. Yeah? Has he got hair? He's got the scarlet sideburns. Oh, those things, yeah, the side... And the slightly Botox-y eyebrows. One thing I liked is Alan Moore, the comic writer, who lives in Northampton, has had to publicly state that it's not him.

And he's got a massive beard, Alan Moore, so maybe he could have gone away with that, I don't know. He has been quoted, this character. He said, I just wanted to amuse people. Yeah, he's done an interview with that. You two say that every week at 11 o'clock. It's not a newspaper. It's interesting, though, because if there was no internet,

pre-internet, if I'd have been walking to the pub, say, or say I was walking back from the pub one night and I'd seen a clown. The next night I'd go in the pub and say, I was walking back last night, I saw a clown that looked like that Stephen King character, Pennywise, just on his own in the dark alley. And someone would say,

Anyway, who's around? That would be the end of that conversation. But with the internet, it's become a major sensation. It has. People should do more of that stuff. Do you remember you used to get the occasional... I'm dating the clown. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. That would be brilliant. I can't tell you. I don't know if anything would make me happier than for you to say, I know this is... Get a text. Listen, I know this is a bit weird, but bear with me. I'm dating the Northampton clown.

I'm going to go out with the clown. I would go on a date with him. If the clown is listening. He's got to wear the gear, though. He's got to get the shoes right, surely. If the clown is listening, I'm up for it. I'm up all night to get lucky. But what you're going to know is lots of men are going to turn up in clown outfits, claiming to be the NC.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. My voice is going already. It's not good. This morning's phone-in. Are there any nice people who smoke cigars? I was walking across Waterloo Bridge the other morning. I saw a city boy type chap. And he was smoking a cigar.

And I thought, what is it about cigars? Do quite ornery people smoke cigars and something in the cigar makes them horrible? Or are horrible people attracted to cigars? I don't know, but in general, I never trust a cigar smoker. No. Probably a bad time for me to admit that I smoke cigars. You don't smoke cigars. How would you know?

I just know you don't. I can tell from that shirt. Exactly. You're so un-cigar smoker, it's not true. The shirt's got to have been a sort of Central American... You know, I can imagine there's some pan pipes in the breast pocket. There are? Yeah.

Rather than a cigar. Some cigars in my jeans. than a cigar slim panatella i think that shirt could be one of these holiday purchases the cockerel's gone on you know when you're abroad and you buy you say yeah i love i'll buy i'll buy some of these i bought some what i would call i don't know i hope this is all right muslim trousers so the men's trousers with a lot of material around a harem look, a Horeen pant, Frank. Yeah. I feel like my shirt's off the hook now you've said that. Oh, good.

Your shirt's off the hook. I thought it was made to measure. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I say I haven't been well again this week?

What's happened to me? My illness is at 48 hours, that's the deal. Oh, really? This one has been two weeks. Oh, dear. It's been dragging away and I've, uh, I've missed, um, well, first of all, I was, I always walk into my office. Yes. Walk into my office past Trafalgar Square in the morning.

That's the kind of swinging 60s London lifestyle. I usually go in on a bicycle going, England swings like a pendulum do, Baba's on bicycles too bad too, where's Mr. Abbey, the tower of Big Ben? But I didn't because I was ill, so I stayed in bed. And had I walked in at my normal time, my normal route, I would have seen them filming

the Doctor Who 50th anniversary special in Trafalgar Square. I would have seen Matt Smith hanging from the bottom of the TARDIS. Wow. And Jenna Louise Coleman peering out. And that was the one morning I didn't go and I missed it. Spoiler alert. I'd like to hear of uh look generally you know you look back on your life and you think oh i do regret missing and like you know i think i've mentioned that here before that i i stayed up to watch the moon

landing when i was a little kid and i fell asleep just before they got out the lunar module and missed the whole moonwalk well i, I've lived in constant regret, as you can imagine. Constant regret is a small village in Leicestershire. I tell you what I miss out on a lot. Now, this sounds slightly... I don't want to take this the wrong way, but when I was a younger man, I used to notice attractive women

and stuff in the street. In a leery way? Well, in a sort of a, this is what keeps the species going kind of a... Red-blooded male way? Well, I don't like the phrase red-blooded male. I didn't think you would. It's a bit cigar-smoking. It is, very cigar.

But I find now that my girlfriend says to me, phew, that was a short skirt and I've completely not noticed. I know this is to do with age and the failing of various facilities. But... I and the failing of various facilities. But someone showed me a picture, for example, of Vivienne Westwood receiving her...

It's a very famous picture. I've seen it. Receiving, I think it's her OBE in the 90s. And she's doing a big twirl outside and her dress is rising up. And she's commando. Oh. Like another person in this room today, apparently. But we won't go into any details.

She's commando and somebody said to me... Can I just say it's not me? And somebody said to me, what about that for a picture? And I said, it's lovely lining. Looking at the garment. Looking at the garment. You looked at the fabric. I've completely... Gone off the horse.

That's gone. So I used to have that. You know when a relationship splits up, you're mortified and heartbroken. And then about two hours in, you think of the people you've said no to during the course of that relationship as an act of loyalty. Shaquille O'Neal. What about that one? You said no to him?

Yes. It was at Planet Hollywood. Did you really? Yes. He wanted to... I know that the phrase party was used. I don't think he was thinking cupcakes. I don't think that's what Shaquille O'Neal had on his mind.

He invited me back to his hotel room. And my friend was drunk, so I had to take her home. So because of her inability to control her alcohol consumption, I could have been Emily O'Neal, Frank. Oh, no, that is awful. I just thought of one now as well. Go on. I think people...

Oh, come on, I've done Shaquille O'Neal. I just can't, Paul Yates. I think people Oh, come on. I've done Shaquille O'Neal. I just can't. Paul Yates. I think people instead of saying if people make a suggestion you should say, no, I'm in a relationship. But have you got a card or anything? I can't say that to Shaquille O'Neal.

Then I'll call you if anything goes wrong. You know, you stick a rain check. Come on, Alan, your turn. You've got to have one, come on. Happy Alan just never says no anyway. I'm just a girl who can't say no. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

We're talking about missing out on things. Can I tell you what we've missed out on this week? I think we all know. I think I know. Everyone in this room, we didn't get a Sony nomination. No. Which I know doesn't sound much, but in radio, not getting a Sony nomination... It's kind of a big deal.

Yeah. It's like not having a home. Not having a home. In normal society. It is. There's a stigma. It's a stigma. Can I tell you... There is a stigma.

Frank, I did something. I've got to fess up now. Go on. I took it quite seriously this year. I listened to it live. Oh, did you? Yes, I did, I'm afraid so. Oh, God.

Did you put a dress on? No, but I got quite competitive. I did. Like a mad old lady nominated for an Oscar. No, I didn't put a dress on. But I did, as I sat there with my Insta colleagues, and they all listened, and they went, Oh, they listened as well? Yes. That was a mistake't put dress on. But I did, as I sat there with my InStar colleagues and they all listened and they went, Oh, yes!

That was a mistake. Terrible. And they all went, oh, oh. Can you be in this category? And I went, no. And they went, oh. And then it came to the end, it was clear, we weren't going to win anything.

So do you know what I did? I went a bit Big Brother winner being evicted, Big Brother contestant. I went, oh, oh, I didn't want to win anyway. Yeah. And I threw you and Alan totally under the bus and I said, I'm not worried, but I think Frank and Alan will be really upset. I can't believe you did that.

You were right, but even so. Now, I've really learned something this week and that was the judges' addresses. And I'll tell you something, it's very hard now. I was in Green Park for two hours something it's very hard now I was in Green Park for two hours it's very hard to find dog excrement

I ended up having to unbag Frank why didn't we get a Sony nomination? Oh come on I've told you never to ask me that well because we're not as good as we think we are no one is as good as they think they are at anything. That's a good point, that. It is.

Mainly their jobs and football, I think, but yeah. You know, the physicals. The physicals. Generally, people think they're better at stuff than they are, and it's good every now and again to be brought down to earth. OK. That's what I think. Anyway, you know, I don't care.

I've got two other awards in 25 years of comedy. So that's the kind of success, right, I've got. That's not the winning that counts. No. It's the getting off with the winner afterwards, I will say. That's what counts. But we won't be there this time. No, I know.

But that doesn't stop me standing outside the hotel. I like that the cockerel still wants to go to the ceremony. Cockerel really wants to go there. I think he wants to do some Kanye West on the stage. I'm going to let you finish. But Frank Skinner, that's what he's going to do. He'd go to Thatcher's funeral if he knew there was free nibbles. True.

I've been invited, obviously. Talking of Thatcher, we've just had a text in. What? Don't tell me she's come back to life. No, Geoff Marshall says, I blame you for getting the audience first singing Ding Dong back in 1990 when she stood down. When she stood down then, I was doing a comedy club in Birmingham and I began the night by getting the whole crowd

to sing Ding Dong and the Witches' Den. I'm sorry for any of our pagan listeners, by the way. That's not a blanket anti-witchcraft thing. It's just the wicked witch thing. Yeah, and now it's become a national, could be number one this week. It's great that the people have spoken. They have.

We need to talk about the Margaret Thatcher thing, I think, because it's been an interesting phenomenon, generally. Phenomenon. And, of course, someone else who I turned down in the 90s. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, big mouth Billy Bass, what happened to him? Those were the days.

I suppose they've all been retrieved by cats. Yeah, along with the dancing. There's a lot of empty plaques all over Britain. The dancing flowers, Frank, as well. Now those were brilliant. I've never seen you look so intense about any subject. Those were brilliant. I got one of those for Room 101.

I don't know if it made the edit, but I think it was Sheila Hancock, and she'd never seen one before. She was... Was she Amish or something? How did they pass her by? I think, I don't know, maybe she's chauffeur-driven. She's classy, isn't she? She's very classy.

She doesn't go to gadget shops. I don't know if you... In case you haven't seen those dancing flowers, get this, I'm not making this up, you play music and plastic flowers dance along. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't all bad in the 90s. Frank, 133...

And those action men that just move their elbows and crawl along the pavement. Talking of action men, 133. Morning, Frank. Today is Daniel Craig's's birthday so does that mean today he would look okay because it would be his birthday suit i'd vote for that apparently yeah well i'm going to sing a song just for daniel Rachel Weisz, Rachel Weisz. Everybody.

Every morning you greet me. I was going to bleep greet and just leave it to the audience, but, you know, it's cheap. It's cheap. I interviewed Rachel Weisz. She is very nice. He did well. He did well there.

I was just saying that about Barack Obama. She was a contemporary of mine in North London. I thought Michelle done well with him. I think he... I think you're right. She got the best of the barking. She's nice, but he's the cat. I noticed they kept Michelle Obama away from Jack Nicholson at the Oscars.

I think... Just in case. She's attractive, but I think she got the best of the bargain. I think he's a handsome man. But then Hillary got the best of the bargain, if we're going to be honest, as well. I always thought Barack Obama looks a little bit like... Barbara Bush.

She got the January sales. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I went to mass on Sunday morning, obviously. I guess we all do. And I took my baby. I don't want you to say that to other people. That's what I do with my time. Okay.

Yeah, you were probably ironing your cravats now that you've gone into the acting profession. Anyway, Steve in a fedora. Yeah, oh, he will be. So I took the baby. Lovely. And then about, I'd say about eight minutes in, he...

Did he cry? No, he didn't cry, but I did when I smelt him. Oh, OK. So I think he finds choral music extremely relaxing, stirring. Because I've took him to church now twice in a space of a fortnight, and both times, about five minutes in, I thought, I feel hell, he's bubbling up beneath me. That'll be useful to remember when he gets older. Well, when he did it, I was in Whitstable, and he did it, and I had to move around the church throughout the mass

to disperse it a bit because it was so intense. Also, a woman looked round at me. He packs quite a punch, old Buzz, doesn't he? A woman turned and looked at me, and, of course, there's always accusation. It's like they think, you know, it could be me. I've got just enough grey hair that it could be me. So, anyway, I moved about a bit.

Like you were wafting? Yeah. I was praying for more incense. It just didn't come. I was trying to give him the more incense signal. Just following in his verse portrayal. You need me with my Chanel spritz, which I did when I had to go on a coach once. That would have been lovely. But anyway, um... I sprayed the whole coach. They never have change in facilities at the, at the whole coach they never have changing facilities at the the churches oh terrible not even in first class no no there

is a wide list so i um i went in the mcdonald's um next door and i was with grandma not my grandma difficult and all that genie in a food place but i went um and so she went downstairs And I was with Grandma, not my Grandma. Andy Mason, friend of the show. Difficult. And I know Jeannie in a food place. But I went, and so she went downstairs to change him in the ladies, and I sat up and watched the stuff. So I'm sitting by the window. You know those seats that face out onto the street? Oh, yeah.

And a homeless man came and looked through the window, I suppose, to see if it was busy or whatever. And then he came over and he looked at me. So I looked back at him and we had a period of, I would say, an easy 15 to 20 seconds of us just looking into each other's eyes through a pane of glass. Oh, that's like a Nikita video. And I wasn't being aggressive. I was looking at him in the way one might look at a wardrobe. You know, I just thought there was a man staring straight at me.

So he came in and said, I know you, don't I? I said, I don't think so. And he said, yeah, you're on telly. You're on telly, aren't you? I said, no, not anywhere near as much as I used to be. I thought I'd get in early with the hard luck story. Yes. Yeah. I ended up telling him as I used to be. I thought I'd get in early with the hard luck story. Yes. Yeah.

I ended up telling him about I love my country. Yeah. He gave me two quid. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute writing. This homeless bloke says, I'll tell you what, he said, I hate, hate Three Lions. Did he? He said that's a rubbish, rubbish song.

He said it directly to you, to your face, not in a conversation about you to somebody else. No, he said it to me, but I wasn't sure if he knew I was anything to do with it. Did this just come out of a pro of nothing? He seems quite aggressive. Exactly, he said, I hate it. He said, World in Motion, best football song ever. Did he? Yeah, it's also got the best bit of rap ever on it.

Oh, yeah. Of course, I'd just been, in a way, I'd just been world in motion in church. I'd certainly world emotion around the church. We've got a text on that, actually. Mass hysteria. Oh, yeah. We'll come back to that, because... Oh, sorry. How fabulous. This is how pathetic I was.

I said to him, actually, I said, just want a poll? Just this way? Oh, you didn't! The most popular football song? You didn't! Yeah. I love Three Lions but it's no this time more than any other time

come on Frank no I know well he was obviously he was entitled to his worthless opinion but why tell me about it

and I ended up saying I ended up saying stuff like yeah but Three Lions was like the people's song because you know

it's a very good song World Emotion but it was it was, you know, it was never sang on the terraces. I thought, just relax about it. He doesn't have to like it. You're never going to see him again. No. Well. Will you say that? Let's see how things pan out. I'll just give him a resting eye contact.

I'm looking for a stable boy at my new home. And, uh, he's only four foot eleven.. And he was only 4'11". I thought he was perfect. I'm not sure he's that stable. No, I think you're probably right there. Anyway, so, I left in the end. Did you?

He stayed. Did he stay in McAdoo's, did he? He said to me, he said, it's a big homeless hangout, you know, this McDonald's. I said, I should use that in the publicity. So I went down to the toilet.

People are in there, like, with their shirts off, having, you know, washing under their arms. Oh, yeah. In the shower. Not in the shower, at the sink. People do that all the time. A service station. Yeah. People, no, people use it for changing clothes, and I use Absolute Radio.

I love it when you get... But if you don't have an Absolute Radio... Isn't it great when you go into a public toilet and there's a bloke with his shirt off having a proffer? It's like you walked into someone's house. Didn't they change it? Didn't they change the chairs and they made them all Big Brother chairs, didn't they? They changed the decor in McDonald's. I haven't been in one for about 15 years, but I believe they did.

Me neither, but Frank's still going. Yeah, they've changed the decor. They've made it look like waste ground. Flaming braziers. Well, I was a bit worried when the guy came up to me. Flaming braziers? You've got a lot of women's lippers in there. When he said, don't I know you,

I thought you might actually know him, not off the telly, but from drinking. Yeah, yeah. From my drinking days. Yeah. When you were on that reservation. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Oh, Frank. Frank, can we go and audition for Star Wars today? If you're listening, mate. Respect. There's open auditions. I know. I would love to turn up. They're looking for a man in his early 20s.

Aren't we all? Yeah. And I don't know. There's a female role as well. What if I went down there? It's an orphan, I think. An orphan. Well, I can pretty much do that.

So I'll think to cast an orphan, as if an orphan looks... I mean, I'm an orphan. Yeah. You should audition. Me? If I turned up with Annie, you know, that's in... Oh, is this the text? Me and her turned up both orphans.

It's not a look, is it? No. We're completely... Is that the text then? What does an orphan look like? I think Cockerel would be most likely to get the job in Star Wars. I don't think so. Yeah, he could be a bit Chewbacca.

He only needs Chewbacca. Honestly, he only needs a bit of backcombing. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, why have you given Charlie the small chair? Like she's doing an Oxford interview and you're trying to psych her out. Well, because I'm on my third chair so far this morning. The first one I sat on, the arm fell off. The third one, no, the second one.

It's complicated, isn't it? Maths. Yeah. The second one, I sat on it and it went... Yeah. And suddenly... Did you reject it on those grounds? Well, suddenly my knees were rubbing against my poppy. Oh, yeah.

And that's never good. No. The second one, he, uh, the second one, he soiled during that story about the tramp. That was the problem with the second one. That is a lie. It's a goddamn lie, and you know it. Hey. That's David Slange-Dupman. We've got to talk about VB.

Did you see VB this week? VB, let me guess. Oh, come on. Oh, very... It's not something you catch. VB. Any ideas? I haven't got time for this.

Victoria Beckham. Oh, of course. You mean P.S. She was. P.ham. Oh, of course. You mean P.S. She was. P.S. P.S. Wasn't that tricky? Once you got Victoria Beckham in the essential frame.

I am not the sharpest tool in the box. Well, I... No, you're not. I think you'll find you're the future Chewbacca. Yeah, I see you more as a reliable wooden mallet. Thank you. She had a PDA with her son Brooklyn this week. You're the future Chewbacca. Yeah, I see you more as a reliable wooden mallet. She had a PDA with her son, Brooklyn, this week. Oh, yes, she did.

Now, he's quite... Have you seen that, Brooklyn? He's turning into a good-looking chap, isn't he? He's good-looking. But he's a bit of a mix, isn't he? Oh, no, he didn't look... Things didn't look 100% positive for a while, because he was a bit of a bruiser. Was he? Yeah.

Handsome child, but... No, but you can see both parents in him. He's got predominantly David, I would say, but he has got the old two-pin plug socket nose. That Victorious made so famous and popular. But he's handsome, there's no doubt about that. He is, yeah. But I didn't...

I'm sure, can I... Absolutely sure that it was a loving parental moment. I'm certain of that and I'm not questioning that. It made me a bit anxious. Did it? It just looked... She said if you didn't see it, she grasped him in... It was a big kiss.

She held his face. Like it was a cabbage or something. Look, I feel bad saying this but i i felt a bit get a room when i saw it i don't know and i say i'm sure that's a misinterpretation yes i'm sure it is because she's so dedicated herself to that sort of moody pout is it usually when a parent kisses a child, it's a lovely beaming green, but she's still doing the pout as she comes in, the menacing pout, and I just think, oh, God, what did you do with them Dalmatians?

That was my first thought. Yeah. Yeah, but it did look... I felt a terrible shudder go through me. Really? That's interesting. She could have smiled at that moment, surely kissing her own handsome son. No, you never smile in fashion, darling.

...handsome son. Can't smile in fashion. But she... Well, I noticed that, and then... Because when they were together, they looked like a European plug adapter. Sorry, carry on. But I noticed that, and I felt sorry for him,

because I thought, as a 14-year-old boy, I don't know, having never been a 14-year-old boy, I can exclusively reveal... Except online. Yeah. I was a 14-year-old boy, but we didn't kiss each other because of the gas masks. Oh.

But that's embarrassing, isn't it? When a mum does that, I can imagine Alan would have... Well, he looked like... I have to say, he didn't go pink or anything. No, he didn't, that's true. He looked like he handled it quite well. He was probably thinking, get off, what's with that mean pout thing?

Yeah. What's with the mean pout? But he's gone for the big hair. He has. It's a bit Bieber, isn't it? Isn't there a... Did you read that story that's in the Alex Ferguson autobiography

about Beckham? That Beckham was training in a woolly hat. Did you read it story that's in the Alex Ferguson autobiography about Beckham? That Beckham was training in a woolly hat. Did you read it? I did. And Ferguson says, It's a hair-dryer treatment. And he said, I can't take it off.

I'm not revealing my new hairstyle till tomorrow. I love it. I respect him for that. I do. But we'll come back to the... Anyway, let's rock! You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

As parental embarrassment, I don't think that's as bad as Bernie Eccleston. Did you see him? That was brilliant. What he's done... Well, Frank, would you care to tell us what he's done? Perhaps using the football as tense? Well, what he's done is he's arrived at the revolving doors,

he's looked up, he's waved at the paparazzi, he's gone inside, he's forgot to step out of the revolving doors. When you say forgot... He's done a 360. He's come out, and he's thinking, well, there's paparazzi everywhere. The great thing, what, he just forgot to get out of the revolving door. Poor old Bernie. He's about 80-odd.

Frank, his face afterwards, you know what it reminded me of? You know when you pretend to throw a ball at a dog, and it looks a bit hurt and a bit confused? Yes. That is exactly what his face... What I like is the paparazzi, when he arrived, they all went... All the shotters, all excited.

And then they started to walk away and you heard, oh, no, here we go, he's back again. I love that. He was like a Scandinavian town clock with him just coming out every 30 seconds. Oh, Bernie, I could have hogged him. I'd have probably missed first time, but then got lower. Yeah, just caught the top of the head first hog.

I thought Bernie Eccleston should have just faced it out. When he did the full 360, he should have stepped out and gone, and one more lap to go. Do you know what I felt for Bernie? stepped out and gone, and one more lap to go! And gone back in. Do you know what I felt for Bernie? You know, when they greet the paparazzi, it's always, how are they going to deal with it? And he put a little finger up.

I like the finger. I like the finger. Because when Andy Coulson, I noticed, when he greets the press, he says, Morning, gents. Oh. Oh, morning, gents. And the finger I prefer. Do they say morning, squire?

Back to him. Is he some kind of minder? Morning, gents. And the finger I prefer. Do they say morning squire? Back to him. Is he something in mind, morning gents? Now, about this drinks, Bill Arthur. Do his phone. Isn't that embarrassing, though, Bernie Eccleston? My mum lived on the same street as the school. We lived on the same street as the school, and my mum had a Skoda when Skodas were properly rubbish.

Yeah. That was pretty embarrassing, because that's nowhere to hide. I had one when they were rubbish. Did you? The kids, when you went past... Yes, that's very you, Frank. When you went past, kids would go, skoda! Yeah.

That's terrible. But if those kids are then sat next to you at school, it's quite a long day, isn't it? That's what I had. Yeah, but I mean, I was 40. They wouldn't have been sitting next to me. Of course, if I get in successfully

to the Star Wars Open auditions, driving down the road with one of my new showbiz friends, people will go, Yoda! I would love it if you were friends with him. I wouldn't be friends with him. I don't do adverts. You and Yoda coming out of Stringfellows. Can you believe that't do adverts you and yoda coming out can you believe that yoda

does adverts that was a really awful moment in my life i think no no i do as well which is more depressing yoda or uh kevin bacon in those adverts yeah he shouldn't have done it but yoda yoda and bear in mind he's you know he's the slave of the animator. He doesn't have a chance to say yes or no. It's a bit like when the Dalai Lama did those Wonga.com ads. Yeah, that surprised me. I think the future is orange. My dad used to do this thing. I never got to the bottom of it.

There was a man that used to come round, one of the club men, who'd come round and collect money. We always had club men. We always had people come in to collect money from the house. That's all you had, not the auto. My dad used to buy a suit a year. He'd have it made to measure. Did he?

Yeah. He was a bit dapper, my dad. That's quite a lot. Yeah, then he'd come home on his hands and knees one night, one mile from the pub. He'd have to buy a new suit. But anyway, this bloke, Sammy, used to come round and Sammy

used to play the piano. So Sammy, we had a piano in the house. No one could play it. But Sammy would come round and play a bit of piano. And he'd say, my dad would say, I'll play a bit now. And my dad couldn't play the piano.

But he used to sit and sort of... But not for a joke. And there was a terrible moment of awkwardness for about three or four minutes while he played the piano with Sammy. Because, see, Sammy's always confused by it. And saying, I don't know, yeah. And then we'd just carry on having... And I never even asked him about it.

It didn't make any sense. And Sammy had just played it properly. As if he could hear a perfect melody. This is too late to ask now, but anyway. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

I've just paid for lessons for my child. No. Okay. Okay. I take him. To do what? To do the swimming lessons? To swim.

That doesn't count. I took him yesterday, and there's only one of the dad in the group. And basically, Boz, who's my child, he didn't like it yesterday. He cried quite a lot, and everybody was giving me that. Oh, yeah. Oh, goodness sake. It's like me on the plane when they cry. Yeah.

But anyway, I went into the men's changing rooms, and there's a place, it says family changing area. So I went in there, and there was some clothes hanging up, and I thought, okay, so I'll hang mine up in there. And then it was me and the other dad ending up in there, changing our babies. And it was a bit cramped in there. And after, he didn't, he never spoke to me at all.

There were two men in a small room with their babies. He never spoke. Mm-hmm. And then he says, he's American, he said, I guess this place isn't really designed for two people, is it? Yeah. Oh. And I said...

I can't, I can't stop, this is my room now. No, what I thought he meant, me being something of a naïve from the halfway line. Yeah. I thought he was commenting on the design of the room. So I said, anyway, I sent a book. We're doing pretty well now. I thought he was as well. What did he mean?

But after, I don't think he was... I think what he meant was, why are you in here? He cleaned the sunny room for one and I was here first. Yeah, I think that's exactly what he meant. Yeah, and that would suggest is, so next week, Kat says, look, you know, I think Boz sometimes picks up your, because you're still

a bit uncertain in the water after years of, you know, being terrified. Oh, he picks up the fear. He picks up on that, so next week I'll go in with him. And I said, I think that's a really good idea and I think it would be better for boss and he'd be more relaxed and he probably might learn quicker. But I don't want to not go into that little room

with that man in case he thinks he's won the territory. I said, so why don't I go and get him changed and then I'll hand him over to you. So that's my plan at the moment. Is that crazy? Well... I think it might look a tad aggressive, darling.

I don't want it to be. I was the friendly naive. Do you remember that? I was the naive, not the aggressor. 519, Janet has texted in. Frank, you're hilarious. It's one family at a time in this family. Let's just leave it there. Hold it's one family at a time in the family changing... Let's just leave it there.

Hold it, one family at a time? Why? Normally we don't read praise, but I feel like you need the spoonful of sugar here. Frank, you're hilarious. It's one family at a time in the family changing rooms. Not some kind of communal family changing. Janet in Edinburgh, I have two children, so know about these sort of things.

So you're telling me that a man was getting challenged with his child in a private cubicle, and another man came in? Yeah, in what he thought was his cubicle, and you wandered in there and just... It's a bit like last week when I was describing me using the Uriah Isle. But Janet might not be right. It's like a bunch of loo when you suddenly walked in. Yeah. And went, it's cozy in here, isn't it?

And then Emily said it's not really designed for two people. We're coping, though, aren't we? No, but it wasn't the ladies. I mean, it was the men's changing rooms. It was in there. It's one family at a time, Frank. But what does that mean, exactly? I think it means his family were in there

and then you wandered in with yours. But it said family changing room. His family and your family on a Venn diagram. It's not meant to overlap. If you see your experience in the pool changing room the other day, there was an overlap, wasn't there? If you go into a changing room in a shop, and when it says changing room, that means that person in there,

it's their changing room. It doesn't mean you can open the curtains. What, you can't go into that? No, I wouldn't do that. It said family changing room. It's a plural-y kind of a word. Yeah. I'd like, if anyone's got,

we're nearly done now, but if anyone could verify this, because Janet, I think Janet might have made a mistake. You want a second opinion? I would like a second opinion. I might be glad of it, because the police could be around my house Janet, I think Janet might have made a mistake. You want a second opinion? I would like a second opinion. I might be glad of it,

because the police could be around my house at any moment. Yeah, you might press charges. Poor, poor man. Next time I go in, I'll do this. All right, all right. Bad news, Frank. We've just had a text from 503 saying, Janet is right, you fool.. Bad news, Frank. We've just had a text from 503 saying, Janet is right, you fool. Oh, no, Frank.

This is the best thing that ever happened. Oh, no. It's like in films when they get in their car and there's someone already in there. That happened to me the other day. You shot? A woman came out of a pub and climbed into the back of our car. Oh, yes, she did.

Look, you might have to lie to your wife, but don't ever lie to me. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Something quite old happened in the last musical break because we were talking about what we were wearing around the house.

It was to do with, I think, some of our listeners being naked. And the cockerel reminded me... Can I say the naked listeners wouldn't be a bad... Yeah. Well, we've had a few texts from listeners who are naked. The naked readers, wouldn't that be a great name for a band? Yeah. Okay.

He's not sure. It's an extension of the Topless Book Club. Exactly. So. Okay. He's not sure. It's an extension of the topless book club. So carry on. Anyway, and then the cockerel reminded me of something, a fact about you. What was the fact, cockerel? That Frank sleeps in just a pyjama top. And I know this. With nothing else.

Yeah, it's from the same school as Top Cat and Donald Duck. But if you're wearing something on top, the other stuff's so far away from your face, it doesn't seem to exist. It's not the same school. Because they look very different downstairs. Yes, but... Or cartoon ducks.

But it's... Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't answer the door to parcel force. Or room service, if you're in a hotel. Or room service. Thanks for my breakfast. One thing you haven't answered, how long is the talk? Well, it depends what your perspective is, really. Some might say too long.

Most would probably say not quite long enough. Is it like a frock coat from the Victorian era? Is it that sort of thing? No, no, it's sort of, how can I put this? If you can imagine if I stood on my head and it stayed where it was, the coat, the pyjama thing, the whole thing would look a bit like a Ponton Judy show. Oh my God. OMG. But, you know, I'm in bed.

Exactly. I'm not. That's nice for Kathy. It'll be a good 15 years before I start going out the house dressed like this. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.