The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Best of 2012

Episode Date: December 22, 2012

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Listen to the best bits of the Frank Skinner Radio show from 2012.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I have something of an announcement to make. Do you? Now that I'm in golf. You've got to clear your throat. Hold on. So I'm going to be a father. Congratulations.

Thank you very much. Yeah, that's what people always say, isn't it? Your birthday and a baby. Yes, I thought I'd rob in the fact that I'm an older parent by announcing it on my... I mean, are you slightly paranoid about any jokes you've made about famous ageing fathers in the past? What, the David Jason element? Did he? Was he an old dad holder? Oh, God, he was. Wasn't he 67 or something like that?

Was he really? Yeah. John Humphreys was't he 67 or something like that? Was he really? Yeah. John Humphreys was, and who was the famous one? Was it Des? Yeah, it was Des O'Connor. The way I'm seeing it is I probably won't have to deal with those difficult teenage years. I'll be out of there. Every cloud.

Yeah, exactly. That's the way to look at it. No, it's, I mean, I haven't really spoke about it to anyone, but I thought, you know, as you're my radio family. You thought we'll broadcast it to the nation. Well, you know, I feel that the people who listen to this show, what is there, 30 of them? I feel that they're intimates of mine rather than audience members. I imagine they're group texting each other right now. They might.

They're all sitting in the same room. They all meet in a church hall somewhere. They're in the day room. I've already made certain pledges. You know, first of all, I don't want to be, and I know you do this occasionally, Alan, but I don't want to be one of those comics that does material about their children. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, you definitely don't want to be a comic like me. That would be a regressive step for your career, Frank. No, but you know what I mean? I once saw Robin Williams do a whole sort of 25-minute thing about nappies. And I thought, I know what's in nappies. Where was the surprise element in this? You can say that about any observational comedy, though. I've been on a train. What are you on about?

Yes, I've eaten airport food. What's the point? Yeah, but there's something about it. People who don't have kids, they don't want to hear people who do have kids talking about having kids. That's my theory. I was once out. I went to a contemporary dance event with Tony Adams, Lee Dixon. Who wasn't? Who wasn't? Yeah, it was a, it was a, okay, it's against the grain, but the three of us went, and Adrian

Childs as well. And we went for a dinner after, and there was lots of non-football people at the dinner. And me and Tony Adams was talking about football, and he was you know he's telling me loads of information and Lee Dixon said uh Addo put the ball away mate and I've said that to my girlfriend Kath a few times we've been we've gone into baby talk and I see people glazing over and I say Kath put the ball away you know it's not a ball, don't you? It looks like a ball from the outside. It's a bump. Oh, that's fair enough. Also, I always think that

you know when people do that stuff, the funny things that kids say, they say, oh my kid said this thing the other day. I always think if I was a child, I'd really I'd never bond with my father if I knew he was using my material. Yes. Yeah. I'd think just write it down, I knew he was using my material. Yes. Yeah. I'd think, just write it down, I'll use it when I get older.

526 has texted his congratulations already. That's fantastic. Isn't that nice? He's quick off the... I'm going to remember that from 526. There's so few numbered congratulations I find in life. Yeah. So obviously it's going to change my whole... I mean, when you get to my age,

you get up five or six times in the night anyway, so that's not going to... Absolutely. It's the perfect time to start breeding. But our producer, Emma, is actually leaving today to have her baby. Daisy, who wasn't you saying? They're not related, you should know.

No, no, it's not that. Well, the babies might be related, but not to my knowledge. It's actually Arnold Schwarzenegger about you. Yeah. Thanks very much. Well, can babies might be related, but not to my knowledge. Touch the Arnold Schwarzenegger about you. Yeah. Thanks very much. Well, can I just say, I don't want to quote my own jokes, but there was a man in the audience last night from California, and I said, isn't Arnold Schwarzenegger the governor of California?

And he said he was, but he isn't anymore. And I said, I think you should anticipate his return. And the audience laughed, and I thought no one would get it. And I was so pleased. Anyway, they're always talking about babies, but then I remembered a joke I did. I got excited. This is what your child has in store. Exactly.

Let's get it out of the way. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Let's get it out of the way. I swam a length this week for the first time in my life of the swimming pool. Not to the outsider, particularly impressive achievement. No, I won't have that. But to the frightened middle-aged man, a mountain has been climbed. Even Sandy Waugh is applauding in the other room. It's a soundproof booth

but I know the visual for applause. Mike, I won't have you minimising your achievement because we're all very proud of you this morning, aren't we? I'll tell you what... No-one answered. No-one answered in this room. I'll tell you what slightly impaired it for me. When I did it, I got very excited.

When my hand actually touched the wall at the end of the swimming pool, I was very excited. And I turned to the crowd, who'd been incredibly supportive. And I was in the crowd, just FYI. I'm afraid I clenched my fist and said, come on. Yeah. It was true of his style. I was thinking Andy Murray.

Worse still, I was thinking something like Andy Murray's mum. And I thought, is that what happens? You learn to swim, you become Andy Murray's mum. I don't want people saying, every time I'm on telly, saying, is he divorced? I don't want that. Where's the dad? I don't want that going on.

And then you splash the water with your fist, which I liked. crazy i mean some of the things looking back on now i mean that morning i i took such a time over my shave because i thought it would make me a little bit more aqua dynamic right in the water and i had um i had a lot of pasta the night before i thought build up the carbs like i was going to do a marathon. Excellent. 25 metres, we're talking. No, can I say there was an element of jeopardy being poolside. I didn't go for flip-flops, I went for chunky heels. Did you? I'm not changing my show for anyone. I thought that was sensible.

There isn't a Veruca in Britain that would have gone through those heels. How have the Verucas dealt with your swimming? I haven't mentioned the Verucas. Have they gone? No, I've just... You never told them about them? I didn't tell them. I thought they'll find out soon enough. Even though when you first started doing it

we talked about them every week on the radio. I think all the sport relief money I've raised will be spent on the Verruca pandemic I've left behind me. Cleaning the pool. No, but Frank, I would say it was 25 metres, about 20 metres in,

there was a will-he-won't-he moment. I have to say, I thought, oh, the lad's tiring. And it was a moment of genuine jeopardy. No, I took in a bit of water. I could feel it. I thought, I'll blow it out next blow. And it didn't really come out. It was at the back of my throat. And if I was just in the normal training sessions, I say training, in my lessons, that would have been my panic and stop point.

Yeah, well, I saw on YouTube, I was travelling at the time, and I saw it, and the guy from Liverpool, the teacher, he took quite a stern tone with you on the bit of footage, and he was going, just don't worry about it. I know. I loved that. That's the whole point. He is worried about it. That's what we all need. At the end of the day, any problem you've got in life ultimately needs someone to say, just pull yourselves together.

LAUGHTER Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, Frank, have you been enjoying Prince Harry in Jamaica? No. Oh, dear. Oh, my goodness. No, I think he went of his own accord. He didn't, of course. He's having a little bit of a...

I bet he didn't go on his own. I'm calling it a gap year, Frank. It's a bit of a gap year, isn't it? No, it's in the army, isn't it? He's in the army in the way that people in the royal family are in the army. In the way that status quo are in the army. No, I'd say status quo are more in the army.

I don't know, I sort of think that isn't Prince Harry in the army the way that I'm like an honorary member of the Laurel and Hardy fan club? Right, OK. Isn't he? I don't know, I could be wrong.

But anyway, he's found some time off to go to the West Indies. And he wore blue suede shoes. They were blue desert boots. You see, posh people do like a pop of colour, I find. They love that. There's always a cravat or a red trouser. Red trousers. They love red trousers.

Yes, they love a bit of, they love that. There's always a cravat or a red trouser. Red trousers. They love red trousers. They love a bit of, they love that. Yeah, but what he's thought here is we're going to be dancing, so I'll wear blue suede shoes like rock and roll. He's got it wronger than he wants ever got anything in his whole life. But I think, having a close look, and I'm not one to advertise, but they look like Clarks to me. I don't think they were. I think they were Clarks.

Do you? We know, don't we, from our inside information, that clerks use basically currency in the West Indies. Oh. Hence the song, Everybody help me out, so me get me clerks. Everybody help me out, so me get me clerks. Dum-dee-mee-dum-dum, so me get me clerks.

You can do the advice if you're doing the song. Sorry, can I just establish, that was Frank's insider information he just talked about. Oh, what? Yeah, well, yes, it's yeah, so I think he's someone said to him as the ultimate gift, really, they've given him some blue

Clarks. No. He can't have wore them in a oh, Elvis, he had blue suede shoes and he's a bit like Bob Marley. He can't have thought that, can he? I think a posh friend said to him, those look great, man. Absolutely wicked. They look so good with chinos.

I think that's exactly what happened. I think that's totally what happened. Oh, no. And surely, if he's going to a hot country, pop some flip-flops in the bag. Wear some flip-flops. It's sunny weather. I don't think you're allowed to wear flip-flops

if you're a member of the royal family. Or Birkenstocks, German. Appropriate, wasn't it? Did he quote Bob Marley as well, which made me cringe a bit? Yes, he said, every little ting's going to be all right, is what he said. That was a terrible one. That reminds me of when my physics teacher once said, so you're able to get into the groove, as it were.

Every little ting's going to... He may as well have gone word up oh horrible you do find when you're there that you think oh I better I remember dancing do you know that one love I danced and they just kept playing the band and I thought I better not

sit down or people think I'm racist I danced for about 2 hours 40 minutes I couldn't see I'd gone blind I couldn't see. I'd gone blind. I couldn't breathe. And I thought, you know, I don't want to upset these people. I actually thought these people, which of course gave me gangway. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

Last weekend, of course, it was April Fool's Day. Oh, yeah. And I don't like to let an April Fool's Day go past without an April Fool's Day. Oh, yeah. And I don't like to let an April Fool's Day go past without an April Fool's Day. Oh, no. Pranks, pranks. Yeah, but I'll tell you what, I... I hate pranks, pranks. I hadn't planned.

I hadn't planned anything. I had to improvise. And I got up in the... I was staying at my girlfriend's mum's. I got up and, you know, first thing you go to the toilet. And I'm desperately trying to think of a prank. I thought, and I thought, no, I can't do that. was staying at my girlfriend's mom's i got up and you know first thing you go to the toilet and i'm desperately trying to think of a of a prank i thought and i thought i can't do that and then i i thought i'd come up with the leaking toilet i mean it's not a classic right it's not spaghetti

trees is it you mean just tell them that the toilet's leaking rather than block it up that's not an april fool that's just a nuisance. No, but bear in mind, you know, she's a 70-year-old woman. A leak in toilets, you know, on bank holidays. Oh, yeah. It's a major... Oh, God, it's a major problem. And there was a part of me that thought, you know,

she's 70, she's got to get up the stairs to check it out. This could go horribly wrong. But I thought, you know, no pain, no gain. How did you push it to her, Frank? Do me your prank voice. I went downstairs and went, oh, sorry to arrive with a nightmare. Weirdest thing you've ever done.

But the toilet is really, really leaking upstairs. She said, when I was up there, I said, honestly, it's really, really... She went, oh, no. I said, oh, no. I, oh. So she went up the stairs. It's not like you're a fool. She went up oh, no, no, no. I, ah. So, um, she went up the stairs. It's not April Fool's.

She went up the stairs. I thought she could drop it any minute. Two thirds of the way up. I thought I pushed it too far. But no, she made it. And Kath, my girlfriend, went with her. And the three of us looked at the time. She was peering at the floor trying to find it.

And I went, uh, April Fool's. And, um, and it went quite well. She went, oh. And I think, April Fool's. And it went quite well. She went, oh. And I think, you know, people, I think people who are pranked like the fact that they've been pranked. Do you think that constitutes an April Fool, Alan? Be totally honest with me. Well, I was thinking on my feet.

The toilet's leaking. I know, but I didn't want to take it too far. You know, I didn't want to say, you know, there's a dead, there's a dead llama on the landing. Or suggest that you just have been commissioned to do a... What was it? A 30-part series with Gok Kwan. This is what he once said to Cathy Allen.

Yeah, but that was... It was a different April Fool. Frank, tell Alan what that was. I said that I'd been commissioned to do a series with Gok Kwan in which I walk around northern towns in an avant-garde outfit. And it's called... I remember exactly what it's called. It's called Would You Wear This?

I thought it was called Why Are You Wearing That? No, it's Would You Wear This? Anyway, and we got to the point where she said, honestly, if you do this, I'm going to split up with you. And by then I was in so deep, actually I was quite deep into some velour knickerbockers with ferocious underwiring. I did a second April Fool as well.

Shortly after that. Did you say the boiler was playing off? Did you get them both done by noon or did you not obey the... No, I got them done by noon. Because I knew, because I still had the sister who was still upstairs, so there was another victim in wait. But I thought I'd have to get

it out before they regale her with tales of the old leaking toilet prank. Already gone into folklore in their house. you know more soon yes so meanwhile over in a prankster's corner with you yes so um rachel my girlfriend's sister came downstairs and i said uh Yeah, so Rachel, my girlfriend's sister, came downstairs and I said,

Morning. And she said, What's the matter? I said, Did you notice there's a bit of a gap on the forecourt? She said, What do you mean? I said, You know, my car got nicked last night. No. And, no, it didn't. No, it didn't.

See, I'm so good. I'm so good. The cockerel knew that I was really crazy the lion still fell for it and she went oh no and then and then

the cat started laughing and of course the whole thing collapsed like a house of cards oh I bet you were angry that she

ruined the prank I was absolutely livid it reminded me my dad often used to say if ever you commit a major crime

never tell anybody he always used to say that oh ever you commit a major crime, never tell anybody. He always used to say that. Oh, lovely life lesson. Exactly. As a child. He said, if ever you read the true crime books, they've always told somebody, they've always, you know, confided in that. Right.

He's right. So if there's anyone listening who's got a major crime in the offing... My dad said, tell your lawyer everything, tell your accountant nothing. Did he? Yes. My dad would have said that if he'd known what an accountant was. I'll tell you what I quite like, though. I don't lie very much at all in my normal life.

I've almost eradicated lies from my general good view. I would agree with that. I'd describe you as a very truthful soul. Thank you so much. It's contract time again, is it? So, it's quite exciting. And I suppose there is part of me, it's an ego thing, I think I'm quite good at it and I enjoy it

because it's an acting job in many ways. Your recreation of it was not amazing. Well, that first moment of the coming day oh yeah yeah i'm not you know happy with that you didn't do it like that at the time well no i mean i've you know i'm not completely i have to do an hour of alexander technique beforehand um and that's certainly what i used to do when i went to the supplementary benefit office i had to get into character i've been known to tell the odd porky Frank. One of the worst ones I told

was I'd split up with a boyfriend and I ran into a friend of his and I was a bit jealous because he'd met someone else and I hadn't and I must have been about 20 and he said, oh, have you met anyone else then? And I said, yeah. He said, oh, so you're seeing someone? I said, yeah, yeah, I've got a new boyfriend. He said, alright, what does he do? And I

said, he's the manager of Suede. Why i say you see what you did you you nailed it to uh you defined it to to quite thingy i said i was going out with the manager of suede see if you just said i'm going out with a chemist i mean how could they check no but i wanted to sound glamorous i wanted him to think he shouldn't have let me go. So I lied. Well, I suppose if he'd come back to you, you could have improvised and said, no, no, I meant the manager of World of Suede. Yeah, yeah.

In Milton Keynes, you know. So, I mean, it's an enormous shop. There's quite a lot of responsibility. I like that, though. I like the specific nature of the lie there. You haven't gone, he's in suede no it's like one step removed from being in suede he's the nearest to it without it being but it's too cheap nobody is checkable isn't it not in those days they wouldn't have had the internet

yeah well i don't know when the messenger arrived every morning on horseback. With the missive. That's the town crier. He was a mind of information. Yeah, but did you enjoy the lie? The lie did actually come back to haunt me in a terrible way when I went to a U2 concert a couple of years later and someone said we were at this U2 concert

in the VIP bit and someone said oh Suede are over there and they wanted to meet them I said it was very awkward it's it's too awkward I can't go over I did I styled it out I got away with it yeah you had a good reason for not going out and that was your mythical relationship with they've been scotch-guarded? I like the idea that if Suede went out in bad weather, they'd have to be scotch-guarded. I'm just going to bask on that for a little while. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I'd like to talk about... Are you familiar with the work of Chris Packham? Oh, God, I've worked with Chris Packham. Worked with them all. CPAC? You've worked with CPAC? I've worked with, yeah, six-pack. Yeah, so CPAC has been talking about foxes. Well, he's got himself into a bit of hot water.

Oh, yeah, now I read about this. Did you read what he said? He said he doesn't believe, and those were his exact words in uh urban fox attacks no he says he actually says as for attacks on humans i'll be diplomatic i don't believe it yeah not that diplomatic i'd love to see him when he's being undiplomatic i mean we've covered fox attacks on humans on this very program if you remember a woman remember that woman who said she was in bed or something and a fox came in the bedroom? Yeah.

And I said it was my fantasy. Yeah. All right, we did it in our own tenor. And at the time, I think we were a bit unsure, but Chris is absolutely the sweeping generalisation. There are no fox attacks on human beings. Yeah. Full stop.

I mean, he knows about animals. He does. He's a straight shooter. He might be right, you know. I also think their endorsement of online bingo is a hollow sham. That's what I think. They might not even be interested in it. No, I think that does.

I bet they're just doing it for the money. I should declare an interest here, because you know my love of foxes. No, foxes. You know I love them. Yes. Especially in a purple waistcoat. I'll tell you what I liked about this was the idea that he just didn't believe in it. I thought that was a brilliant statement to make.

I don't believe in it. Like a kid. No, I think that there is something amazing about her. In the same way that I don't believe in Richard Dawkins. It's a nice blend of sort of educated and bloke in public. No, I'm not having that. Yeah, but he's absolutely, he's a very 100% kind of a bloke, Chris Packham. He doesn't have sort of grey area thoughts.

He's like one way or the other. Do you know what I'm not sure I believe in? You know, on the motorway where it says average speed camera, I think that is the modern version of the TV licence detector van. Yes. You know, they pretended that they had a detector. The two blokes playing cards inside. Yeah. At a small table. I'm now

convinced that they've just gone, people have stopped reacting to speed cameras. They break and then they speed back up again. Why don't we pretend that we can take an average and they'll all drive a 50? I think you might be right. I'm convinced of it. Because I ignore them anyway. Nobody I know has ever been done

for an average speed. Watch this, the switchboard will blab up now with people going, I've got this. But I'm convinced. Well I ignore them anyway. Nobody I know has ever been done for an average speed. Watch this, the switchboard will blow up now with people going, I have, I've got this. But I'm convinced. Well I haven't and I seldom do less than 95 on the right way. So make of that what you will. I don't believe in dust mites. I just don't believe there's any such thing.

It's rubbish. I thought it would have been a beautiful song. I don't believe in dust mites. No, but they don't. Why don't we know anything about them? It's song. I don't believe in dust mites. No, but they don't. Why don't we know anything about them? It's dust. I don't believe in dust mites. Little things in everything we see. It's a ball of dust. They haven't got any personality or any distinguishing characteristics.

That's not a creature in there. That's just dust. And if you don't have a microscope, you basically have to take their word for it. for it exactly which i refuse to do you know who could give you the definitive answer on this chris packham he knows about the animals he'd be all over does he go does he go that small though i don't know do you think it's like um no job too small i think he's got a limit i think he might go for let's say a vole nothing below a vole oh yeah let's say, a vole. Nothing below a vole. Yeah, I'd say, yeah. This far and no further. Bigger than a lion, smaller

than a vole. Daisy, our producer, had a good I don't believe in. Daisy doesn't believe that it ever gets warm in an igloo. I think that's right. That's probably right, isn't it? Yes, of course it's right. If you see them in an igloo, when I say um, I mean the Inuit.

Very good, thanks. The Inuit, they've still got their furs on often. It's not like they've just got, you know... You're so right. I don't ever see footage of them saying to each other, you know you're not going to feel the benefit of that when you go outside. Never. It's never that bit of documentary.

If you see pictures of Inuits talking outside and then pictures of Inuits sitting in igloo talking the only difference is the igloo you're right I sometimes think the igloo's just been painted in can I ask you something about Inuits you may or may not know the answer probably not um but do they have like you know we talk about when we get home and we change into our jimmy jam sort of slobby s Jam sort of slobby, slobbing out gear. Do they have slobbing out Inuit gear? They must do. It's too cold in the Igloo.

I'm going to put my comfy furs on. That's not me. These ones are a bit sort of starchy. Do they have the equivalent of a tracksuit, which is like an Inuit tracksuit? They get in the Igloo and then they have to put another layer on. It's so absolutely freezing. And they're sitting there saying, how much longer are we going to keep up this ridiculous hollow pretense

that this operates as some sort of warm, cosy home? I was once informed by a matron at school. She said... I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm fighting the temptation. No, I'm not doing it. Carry on. I mean, people are shouting it at their radio.

Let them shout. This'm fighting the temptation. No, I'm not doing it. Carry on. I mean, people are shouting it at their radio. Let them shout. This was my matron. Yeah. And she said, when I said I had a headache and I was about 12, and she said, you're too young to get headaches, dear. And do you know what? I think she had a point. So I don't believe that anyone under the age of about 18 is entitled to have a headache or gets a headache.

That's a good point, yeah. They can't have lead stretch or caffeine, can they? We had a bit of a dispute on here once because I don't believe in fainting. Do you remember that? I don't believe. I honestly don't. I think there's a moment where you think,

shall I faint or shall I not faint? Yeah, go on. You do it. You actually, you ham it up a bit. It's like DDA Drogba going down in the penalty area. In the end, it's your decision. I've never fainted, and I never will. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

So, something happened to me. How's your week been? I'll tell you what happened. As you may know, I announced on the show a few weeks ago that my beloved girlfriend, Kath, was pregnant. Well, time rolls on, of course. This week, as George Formby said, I had to get up quickly in the middle of the night.

And, um, guess what? Everybody. of the night and guess what? This comes to pass Everybody! When a child is born Yes, I am a father! Congratulations. Thank you. It's very, very exciting. It would have also been funny to play that and then go,

no news. Exactly. She's left me, I can't find her. Can I just say, I worried we all went a bit baritone there including me but it's okay yeah i don't i think that's what no one can get up there with johnny mathis no i've always said that so um yes so i'm not gonna in case anyone now is listening and doesn't have children and thinks oh god he going to go on and on about it. I'm going to fight that urge. If I spoke about my son in detail, it would just collapse into noises from me, like, oh. So I'm not going to try and do that.

But there are things I didn't know. I didn't know about the squeeze danger. No, I didn't know that when you hold a baby, there's a real temptation to go, oh, and just basically just squeeze them till their eyes pop. Oh, I did that. Was that wrong? That's a rule. You have to fight that.

But, no, it's brilliant. And I should... Anything else you want to know? He was nine pounds. He's a decent size, Frank. That's a great size. Yeah, well, apparently David Baddielsonis, when told that, said, is that how much babies cost?

Yeah, not at the hospital we stay, though. I don't like to brag, and I know it's not a competition, but I was £9.10. I do take a great deal of pride in it, which is weird, because I have no control over that, but for some reason, I often find myself telling people my birth weight. Why do people always talk about the weight? When I send the text... Sorry, you're asking me, why do people always talk about the weight?

No, but the baby thing. When you send the text off, you've got to put the weight in. That's absolutely... We've had a congratulations text from 660. First one, first one in. Well done, 660. There's nothing like being congratulated by someone you only know as a nom. And also...

It's like working in communist Russia. Frank, 131. I didn't know this. 131, I have 11 weeks to go before my wife produces our daughter. Our daughter. We've got any names yet? We're thinking 278. Oh, well, that's lovely. Well, it's all brilliant anyway, and it's very exciting. But I don't get the white thing.

If I texted you, say if I was a single man and I'd met a woman last night, I wouldn't text you and say, I met this gorgeous bird last night in China white. I'd say seven stone you left. Oh, hang on. 106, incredibly happy for you, Frank. The sun is truly shining. See?

First pun of the... Congratulations pun. That's very apt for this show. I think he looks a bit like you, Frank. I can't work that out. Aren't they supposed to look like the dad in case the dad runs off? Yes, but your mother-in-law said he looked like Graham Norton. Yes, she said that

to me as well. Someone's got questions to answer. I'm pretty confident the father is not Graham Norton. Unless Kath got it off the toilet seat. If the tabloids get hold of it. Exactly. To be cock-holded by Graham Norton. Those of you who were shot by that should look up what cock-holding means.

It's not what you think. I might even announce the name after this. I mean, you know, I'm going crazy now, why not? Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the name that I went for. Now, I know celebrity types get condemned for giving their babies unusual and thingy names.

He's called Boz. Oh, I love it. B-u-double-z and if you're my age you've obviously he's after boz aldrin the second man on the moon for you youngsters listening yes it's that puppet from toy story everyone's a winner but i'm thinking very much um boz aldrin second man on the moon i think that's a good thing to be named after this because let's face it, to infinity and beyond is quite a tough one to live up to. And it's actually logically impossible.

I don't know if you're aware of that. But second man on the moon, it means you don't always have to be first. You don't always have to be the main man. Also, Buzz is way cooler than Neil. And he's way more interesting. Who needs to be the first man if you've got the coolest name? Exactly.

One of the reasons Neil was first is that he is fundamentally boring, isn't he? I mean, he was really boring, like dependably boring. Buzz was definitely interesting. He's a bit more interesting. I interviewed Buzz once and he was brilliant. And when he walked on stage, I actually said to him, be careful, there's just one small step he took it very well i must say for him so his second name is cody

as in um buffalo bill cody the greatest showman of all time so i've worked out his career i looked at him i don't know if many dads do this but i looked at him um and you know you're supposed to say oh he's so blah and i said oh god he's gonna he's gonna be so funny i said he's so thin do you know what i must say he's got a very shapely leg oh my he's glamour modeling we should are we overdoing this there are people being sick actually nugget has said uh congratulations on the safe arrival of Master Radio. Oh, I love that. I love that.

This is what I'm going to play. If ever I should mention him again, I thought, when I say that his name is Boz... Here he comes. If I was him, I'd get that on a little speaker every time he enters a room. Yeah, that's Master Radio. 194 has texted,

Congratulations, enjoy the sleepless nights and the green poop. Thanks very much. Oh, no, that was to me, actually. I'm not on in the next few weeks. Some big night plans. I think I already went through that in the 80s on my own thanks a lot of people with sage advice uh who's oh yeah well done frank just watch out for the fountain when you change the nappies i'm i'm looking forward to that it's thirsty work frank 762 says congrats

also you won the race with chris evans wife i don't know if you know but when you're having a baby um you go to a thing called the nct group or a lot of people do and you sort of learn about labor and all that i don't mean us in um ed miller band stuff that'd be that'd be a tedious night out but anyway um you learn about all this and so there's a group of us there's seven that was all in it together and we were we were due to have the baby first, and then there was one premature one, so we actually came in third. And I don't want to come in any later than third, because we were talking about it the other night, and there's already

two born, and it's a bit like the Chilean minors. It's really excited at first. The sixth or seventh one won't even get a card. It's the way it's going. So I'm just glad he's out and he's well. Bird, at the NCT, you're on the podium

at least. And the great thing about, yeah, great thing about maternity hospitals is that everybody is incredibly used to maternity, whereas obviously when you're in as an individual, especially for your first one, it's a massively life-changing thing. And Kath was already in mighty labour

when we arrived. We had the exciting five o'clock drive across London with me, very worried about her and slightly worried about the upholstery. And when we got in we got in this lift and the bloke was there, like the porter bloke, and she

squatted on the floor next to me going and he said to me, so what do you think about Roy Hodgson? Oh, life. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Yes, I've been listening to Dracula. Oh, dear. Not reading Dracula, I've been listening to Dracula. What,

you've been hanging out with him? No, he's living next door and I've got a glass up the wall. No, I've been, many of you will know, probably four of you, that yesterday, Friday the 20th of April, obviously it was Hitler's birthday, but it was also the centenary of the death of Bram Stoker Who wrote Dracula So I thought, I like to acknowledge a literary anniversary So I thought, well I'll listen to the audiobook of Dracula this week You know, I've never actually Realised I've never read Dracula

Can you believe it? It wasn't a big deal, the centenary If you consider Charles Dickens No, funny that It's Charles Dickens everywhere Exactly Is Charles Dickens a more important literary figure than Bram Stoker? Yes. Yeah.

I think based on output alone. Has Charles Dickens ever... Oh, we started on the Dickens rant. The hater Dickens rant. This is how you measure, I think, fame. Has Charles Dickens ever had one of his characters transformed into a duck and given its own cartoon show? No. Whereas Count Docula?

Yeah. Exactly. But he's a one-trick pony, I would argue. Yes. Who? Bram Stoker. Yeah, but, you know, there's no cartoon called Charles Dockins.

Is there? Not yet. No. There's no, um, Mallard Times. Good, Frank. Anyway, one thing I...

Listening to Dracula in its original form, because I've seen the films, anyway, it turns out in the book that he's got a tash, Dracula. I don't think of him with a tash at all. I think of him with a widow's peak, quite a drawn, but handsome young man.

He's an old sort of geezer with a long white tash and long white hair. Oh, so he's not the David Williams vibe? No, it shouldn't have been Gary Oldman. It should have been Hulk Hogan. They missed it. What an opportunity that was. Frank, this is what I'm going to call one of your Mayor Culper moments.

Oh, no. I'm afraid... Have I erred? You have erred. You said earlier, or would you like to remind the listeners what you said, Reed Dickens v. Bram Stoker? Yeah, well, I said Bram Stoker had had a cartoon character made into a... Well, made into a...

Oh, I can't even... I can't say it again. No, I know it's wrong. I can't get it right. A literary character made into a cartoon. Yeah, he made his character. His character was made into a doc in a cartoon series. And I said Dickens can't say that. Au contraire. Yeah, I was so wrong.

Because as probably, I'd say, about 40 at least of our listeners have said, including 019, Dickens has had a cartoon duck character, Scrooge McDuck, a relative of Donald. You know what, I even remember Scrooge McDuck now. I mean, I've never been, so I'm shamed up, as we used to say at school. I apologise to Charles Dickens. He is an equal literary figure to Bram Stoker,

based on his duck cartoon scenario. I did think you were leading me a chin a bit there, I was worried. You know, I've only ever read one Dickens book. Really? Which one? You've got to come out of the pond, aren't you? No, I'm not. It was Pickwick Papers. OK. Lovely.

It was. And I sat on the... I had a very old copy of it that I'd bought from a second-hand bookshop, falling apart. And I read it on the train, I remember, and I was really laughing. It's a very properly funny book, not, oh, I'm going to laugh because it's Dickens. It's properly funny stuff in it. The thing is that the copy I had looked a lot like a Bible. People thought I was reading the Bible and absolutely

cracking up. Oh! What? What, the sea just opened? Yeah, right. But it's made me think about a lot of things. For example, I'm thinking I might get a cloak. Why not? Why me think about a lot of things. For example, I'm thinking I might get a cloak. Why not? Why not?

Get a cloak. Why not? I can think of a few reasons. Does it look awful? I don't know. Well, would it look awful? I don't know why the cloak has gone out of fashion for people. I love how you think it's gone out of fashion. How would you wear it?

What, like a velvet cloak? It needn't be velvet. No, no, I find velvet... Hessian? Don't you find velvet tends to collect the lint? Yeah. You could get a velvet cloak and a lint roller. Oh, no, but it's quite hard to go over a cloak, I think.

I haven't got time to be rolling you down every morning. No, not with a cloak. I'd have to stand with it fully extended, like... Like Count Dockular. Like Count Dockular, for you to go over it. Or Cold Door Man. Yeah, it wouldn't be... Please don't get a cloak.

I beseech you. I could line the wardrobe. This get medieval. That's what I said to Prince Charles when I asked him not to look up comments on YouTube. I beseech you, sire. The nice thing about a cloak... Yashmack?

I'm finding it harder and harder now. What I call sleeve search. You know when you put a coat on, you're going backwards. Oh, yeah. People, I find now, come up and help me when I'm putting a coat on. It must be lovely to just tie it at the neck and you're dressed. And warm, and also... It's not warm, it's gaping open.

No, but they look... I think they are quite warm. Oh, don't get Velcro tied in it as well. No, I think Dracula looks proper snug. Frank, what footwear would you wear with the cloak? This concerns me. No, I'd wear my ordinary... Trainers with the cloak. I'd wear my ordinary...

You don't want it to look too formal. I'm on about reclaiming the cloak as an ordinary form of you know that you don't have to go to the opera or be a superhero or elvis you can just wear it instead of an overcoat yeah you could have a lightweight one for the summer if you don't want to get your shoulders very attractive see you you work in fashion but in fact you're very narrow-minded. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

The worst thing I think's possible to talk about is when someone tells you a dream that they've had. Oh, I hate that. I would put it right up there with when someone tells you about a new American drama they've discovered on the telly. that. I would put it right up there with when someone tells you about a new American drama they've discovered on the telly. Yes. You know when people do that? Oh, when they quote from it as well. Yeah, they say, oh, have you seen um,

Bright Neck? Bright Neck. No, no, I haven't seen that. Yeah, it's made by the people who met the West with, oh man. And as soon as they've got to it, all I hear, all I hear is... I can see their mouth moving. Occasionally I'll tune back in for...

Do you remember that... In this one episode, they're... Don't tell me about it. I totally agree, Frank. I don't like American dramas, anyway. Really? The Wire, The West Wing, The Sopranos, they're all rubbish. Frank!

You're wrong, in a way. I agree with you on The Sopranos. You know my feelings on The Sopranos. No, you're wrong, in a way. Sopranos is the worst piece of television ever made. I don't... Why are they even on? Take them away.

Take them away. Look, you've had your, you know... You've had your mumble dialogue. Go away. I thought they spoke quite your, you know, you've had your mumble dialogue. Go away. I thought they spoke quite clearly in Breakneck. I enjoyed it. Breakneck's one of the best. It's not as good as Brassneck.

It used to be in the dandy. But anyway. So what's worse than that? I'm going to tell you about a dream I had. Oh, Frank. Good. Only because I've always quite fancied myself as a freudian oh yeah i think i'm quite good at interpreting dreams i'll have a dream

and i'll lie in bed and think oh yeah oh yeah and see what that means and of course that symbolizes uh yeah work and that symbolizes it yeah okay you say you're freud, let's slip into it. Okay. Little joke there. You missed it. It was excellent. I enjoyed it. No, I got it. I didn't get it. I'll be honest with you.

Freudian slip. I'll get it now. Now you've put the angle poise on it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Jimmy Carr's on the news. It's a bit of brilliant publicity. You know the old theory that no publicity is bad publicity? Yeah, based on that theory, it's been a great week for Jimmy.

Oh, it is, yeah. Say if I killed Fern Cotton with a milk bottle. Oh, my God. You know, I could top him, do you think? Yeah, by next week. He'd be sick. I bet he'd be sick. I'd get the headlines tomorrow and he'd just be. He'd be gutted, yeah. Frank, you and Alan are looking very prison break this morning. I feel like a curious cellmate. Yeah, we've got a bit too much, there's too much denim.

What's going on with the denims? Yeah, well, I've gone denim jacket, but not denim trouser. And I've gone double denim, but I did have a tweed jacket over it, so I look quite 70s in a weird way. You've gone denim shirt, which is Top Gear presenter relaxing. No, I'm not having that. I'm not having that. It is. It's the sort of thing, if ever you saw a teacher in a pub... I agree. ...they had a denim shirt on.

Well, it's frank, at least you've kept it pure. It's a bit more, I've been working on the railroad. Exactly. All together now. You know that, you need a hammer. We've not got a hammer and some sort of metallic surface we can do that sound with. I like this, though. Not many programmes start on the radio with a discussion of what they're wearing. It's actually a critique. It's a critique rather than a discussion. Oh, okay.

So, Frank, how is Boz? Boz is still slightly underweight. Lovely. My baby. Yeah, I am starting to think they look better. Because I've seen a few fat babies just lately and I've thought, okay, there's healthy and there's fat. Yeah.

They look better, I think. He's got a lovely leg. I tell you what, I've told you about those legs. Because the way he wears a nappy now, it's like a wrapper. It's halfway down his bottom because he's so thin. Very on trend. That looks cool. The clothes hang better on him. Yeah, I might bring out the newborn

diet, a new book, in which you put him on. You know, just water the breast milk down a bit. No, he's, well, I think he's what they call a banana baby. Really? What does that mean? Some babies are long and thin, that's what they're like. I mean, he's my child, he's not going to be like a cannonball, is he? No.

I don't think so. Thanks for backing me up on that, guys. No, we know he's your child then not that i'm saying that was ever on the debate by the way anyone who's listening i'm not don't think that i'm condemning jimmy carl at all judge you not for as you know i have to admit i'm still signing on absolute absolute absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had some texts and emails in already. That's good.

From our listeners. Because when it's snowy, sometimes you can forget there's anything other than, you know, talk to my warmness. Oh, yeah. It's quite lengthy. Hi, Frank Allen. We've got three hours. True, no. Hi, Frank Allen and We've got three hours. True enough.

Hi, Frank Allen and the Divine Miss M. Been away and just caught up on podcasts. Read dreams about Frank. I like read dreams about Frank. I had the strangest dream the other day. Me and my good lady had gone for a country stroll. Whilst walking back, I bumped into Frank and his partner. The first thing that struck me was Frank had a walking stick with a horse's head handle.

Oh, it's going to be Godfather. And also trousers tucked into his socks. Countryside, that's what happens, isn't it? We were chatting pretty standard nondescript chat. Hold on. I wondered if you'd have a problem with that. I don't think it was me. Suddenly Frank began shaking and then started what I can only describe as

Tasmanian devil style spinning around a picnic table. Frank's girlfriend then said he had a condition called civilianitis where if he spoke for too long to civilians he morphed into the cartoon devil and became uncontrollable. I then awoke. That so really happened. How has this got out? That so really happened. How has this got out?

And then I've received a night's move here. It says, P.S. As Emily sounds too high maintenance, would Alan like a slap-up lunch at the railway pub Murfield? He would. Followed by a town match in Huddersfield. As long as you're paying, he would. You'll do that, wouldn't you? I would do that, yeah. I think you'll need to put down in writing

the fact that you're paying for both. I'm not happy with being paid. It is so stonky. Otherwise, he will be a total no-show. If you're not paying, yes, please. He will turn up, but he'll be anxious in case there's a bit of a... Okay, you owe me 34

quid, and then... I took the edge off my pub one. If you want Alan to come along, really you need a contract. Clearly says that you'll be paid. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank? Yes? Gordon has texted in. Hi guys. Brilliant. One of the most refreshing aspects of your wonderful radio show is your honesty and openness. I've told you I've won enough praise on this show. My question is, have any of you ever had any dealings with the police? A policeman actually said to me, unironically,

I eat people like you for breakfast. Who would have thought that people said that outside of a bad cop show? But a cop honestly said it to me. Did I tell you that story about when I hit a police van? No. Have you told anybody this story yet? Because this is concerning me. It wasn't part, there was police in it.

Can I say your manager's just pulled his chair up? I was driving up the... Let's face it, there are worse things to confess to in the current climate. I was driving up the road and I was waiting for this police van to pull into, you know when you see a car coming as a line of traffic, you think, well, obviously he's going to pull into that gap, otherwise I'm going to have to back up 50 yards. The police van kept coming and I thought to myself,

I can get through that gap, fine. And I thought to myself, I can get through that gap. Fine. And I couldn't. So I just, it wasn't really a scrape. It was more like the black rubber from my bumper I left down the side of the police van. But what I then decided, my next decision was, I'm out of here. So I put my foot down and thought, you know,

they'll never catch me. They'll never take me alive. So I turned my foot down and thought, you know, they'll never catch me. They'll never take me alive. So I turned a couple of corners and then the police van came out and blocked the road. Fine, you're like one of those characters on Lights, Camera, Action. I know, yeah. And then the copper got out and I thought, am I in massive trouble? And he said, oh, man, I love fantasy football. And let me off.

Let that be a lesson to everyone there. Yeah, so don't come crying to me with your police stories. Get on telly. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. So, Frank, I'm interested to hear your views on this scrap of paper that has been under a great deal of scrutiny this week. Do you know what I'm talking about? Is it your birth certificate?

No, but it dates from a similar time. Well, it's from the 2nd century AD, that's the key thing. So, around Dare the Triffids time. OK, yes. But apparently this paper suggests that Mary Magdalene, now she was the naughty one, wasn't she? Bit of a naughty lady. Well, that's the theory.

Yeah. She may have been married to Jesus, because on this piece of papyrus... This is Dan Brown again, isn't it? That's in the Da Vinci Code, isn't it? But Jesus refers to her as Mawaf. In a Northern Club comic way, he says, Tia, my wife.

In the midst of, yeah, the sermon on the mount. Anyway, Tia, my wife, please. Well, in fact, in the same thing... Fishes anyone? Yeah. He also refers to my mother, and I think in law might have just come off, because I suspect, yeah, he would have, as part of his material.

But what do you think of this? Seriously, though? Seriously, what do I think of this? Well, I don't think it really. I mean, I would like to have been at that wedding. Yeah. That would be brilliant. Imagine when you went in and the usher said,

bride's family on the left, groom's family everywhere. Oh. Wow. I wouldn't have minded going, groom's family everywhere. Oh. Wow. I wouldn't have minded going, because I bet there would have been loads of wine. Well, initially, but if there's any trouble, it would all become water. He could reverse if he had to. Or could he do the reverse? Oh, God, yeah.

Oh, he had a reverse key. Or it could have been the reception. He could do Vulcan death grip. They could have had a reception and just loads of flatbread and like fizzy wine that wasn't quite right and him going no I've not been practising anything what are you on about if they find it's authentic

will Mary Magdalene's descendant be able to claim half the universe in the settlement unless there's a pre-nup she was the first pedicurist, is what I like to call her. Was she? Yeah, the feet washing.

Yeah, they don't even know if that was her. Was it not? And there's this thing about her being a... A bit Stringfellows. A prostitute! A prostitute! There's no evidence for that at all in the... The Lady of the Night.

Yeah, she worked. Church wedding, do you think? Oh, lovely. Rather than just pop down the registry office... I mean, you know, you've got to support the family business a bit. Exactly. It does sort of back up the theory that he was a celibate. And that he very happily went to crucifixion. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

Absolute, Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran A big Olympic welcome to you. Morning. I was just wondering what we were going to talk about. I got to Ghana. I thought bedtime. Oh, I don't think I even managed to Ghana.

There was no disrespect to Ghana. I just thought, it's only G. My general view, there is a place in the West Midlands called the Black Country Museum, where you go and you learn a little bit about local heritage, and there's some people walking around in sort of knocked-up 19th century outfits. And it's an interesting place if you're interested, but you wouldn't want to be there.

No man ever wished it longer, as Samuel Johnson said of Milton's Paradise Lost. And I thought, generally speaking, it was a bit local history museum. Bradley Wiggins came out, and then Kenneth Branagh came out as Isambard Brunel, and I thought, is this going to be the sideburns Olympics? What about when they started doing all dancing as well, the men in the Victorian frock coats? That was a bit alarming, they started doing rave moves.

I thought, you know, I've got nothing against Isambard Brunel at all, but I thought it was a little bit Isambard Brunel heavy, the opening ceremony. Did you? Yeah. I like the fact that we're clarifying that on Absolute Radio, that you've got nothing against Isambard Brunel. I mean, he's a man of great stature.

We all would be in one of those hats. Well, Frank, Paul Jakubowski has tweeted us, nice to see one of Frank's favourites, the often mentioned Isambard Kingdom Brunel. Do I mention him a lot? Maybe I do. He's almost a friend of the show. Did they call him Izzy's friend, do you think? Like in Izzy Sutter, did they call him Izzy?

Izzy Brunel's coming over. Because if he'd have been called Izzy Sutter, he would have been particularly apt during the Industrial Revolution. Izzy Sutter, of course he is. Generally speaking, I didn't enjoy it. I'm going to be strong. Really? Oh, Frank.

I thought it was like a school play. No, Frank. I'm sorry. Because I liked that it wasn't much. What about the pop music bit with the texting and all that? And the terrible dancing? That was a bit

Teenagers in Littlewoods ad. I agree. It was a bit Danny thinking we need another ten minutes here. Let's just jump about to some 70s hits like a school disco. It wasn't just 70s. Dizzy Rascal came out and did a bit Danny thinking, we need another ten minutes here. Let's just jump about to some 70s hits like a school disco. It wasn't just 70s. Dizzy Rascal came out and did a bit. Oh, Mr Rascal.

Dizzy. Couldn't cope with any of that. I suppose you preferred Mike Oldfield in his sateen suit on his own. There's an old show business saying, don't let a heterosexual do a dance routine. And that's it. It felt like it had been done by a heterosexual. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. It felt like it had been done by a head... I have to say, I don't know how I filled my time before the Olympics.

That was glorious, wasn't it? I don't watch anything. I haven't watched another television programme. There's no need. He's got it all, Frank. The only time I flick channels is when someone like Gary Lineker says we're going over to BBC Two. I'm just, I'm chasing the BBC dragon. I'm sure Claire Balden wouldn't mind me calling her that.

But it's, um, did you cry last night when Rebecca didn't? When she didn't win? Yeah. Oh, I felt for her. It was emotional, wasn't it? There was a great thing she said after her first one. She said, she said, swimming, she said, it's a very, very difficult sport to meddle at. Yeah, I saw that.

And I thought use of the word meddle as a verb, I like a lot. And also, you know, people, she's had a lot of stick from comedians, but I salute her this morning for her clever use of ambiguity. Yeah. Because to meddle, but also, you know, it's not her this morning for her clever use of ambiguity. Because to medal, but also it's not a sport you want to just medal in. You need to give it a loving act. I've been so impressed by so many people this week.

Victoria Pendleton. I only recently learned to... I haven't really learned. I'm learning to ride a bike, I would say. So I watch Victoria Pendleton. What did you do in your youth if you didn't swim and ride bikes? Heroin You'd think I'd be a good swimmer

I watched that and I thought the fast stuff I thought that was quite impressive cycling very fast and coming first but when she then cycled with her hands in the air I thought that's the most brilliant thing I've ever seen I'll have another medal for that. Just for that.

Didn't wobble or anything. I'm watching sports I didn't know existed. I'm watching archery and stuff like that, but... You knew archery existed. I knew it existed, but only in Robin Hood films. That's what they should do in the final, the silver medalist with the kiss. I have to put clown head on when I'm watching The Archery.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. When your allotment's getting a bit overgrown and it's clear that you've lost interest in it, is it like when you're in a car, you know when you sit in a car and then someone who thinks they're obviously leaving,

comes and pulls up and waits for you to pull up. Are the people hanging around waiting for your allotment to come up? Well, I suppose, yeah, not in their physical being, but they're on a list and they've been on it for three years. That's why you get a telling off. You've met someone very happy. Let's look at it that way as a positive thing. That's a good way of looking at it. It's not that we've given it up, it's that they've got it.

Enid! Enid! There's a letter from allotment people! Come, come, come quickly! Gather the children! Yeah. So will be a letter as well, they won't have email.

Enid's got no email. No, they phone you, they phone you. They phone you? They phone you on the home phone, I bet, as well. Exactly that. I bet they do. Oh, we were startled. I bet they do. Oh, we were startled.

I bet they do. Phoned on the landline. You know what I think I've got a landline. Hello? Dougley 2908? You know that? What? I think I've got a landline somewhere in the phone.

You think you've got a landline? I think I put it in a cupboard, but it's still plugged in. It's probably in the cupboard with all the other stuff that you've not used for a while. Have you got stuff you've given up on? I know you've had a hula hoop, and that's gone. Oh, well, it's still there, but that you've not used for a while. Have you got stuff you've given up on? I know you had a hula hoop and that's gone. Well, it's still there, but I haven't hooped for a while. But also there was the great row of New Year's Eve 2010, I believe. Yeah, exactly, and I've really got back to it.

I'll tell you what I have given up on. I think I've accepted the fact I will never be in Doctor Who. Have you? I got my manager to. Why would you want to? I'm going to fess up to this. I got my manager to phone up the Doctor Who. Have you? I got my manager... Why would you want to? I'm going to fess up to this. I got my manager to phone up the Doctor Who people when I heard

this series was being filmed. Shut up. And I said, look, I'm happy to be in a monster outfit. I'll just walk by in the background. I just want to be able to say... You didn't. Oh my God, this is the most humiliating thing. Regional sci-fi? That's what you want to be in? You're one of the comic greats.

I think it is national. You are one of the comic greats and you are aspiring towards regional sci-fi. Can you take that and put it out on the trailer? Frank, I don't want you being in that. It's bad for your brand. We'll discuss it in the break. If I'm dressed as a cyber man, who's going to know?

No, and it's the kind of actors in it are all people in the Gold Blend advert. I won't have you doing that. That's not... It's true. It's true. I don't like Doctor Who. Sorry, but I don't.

Did they say no, though? Did they say... Well, he never mentioned it again, so I take it he couldn't break it to me. I mean, I would have happily just been, you know, a man playing darts back at Rofa's Return while Kembala talks to someone. Maybe not Kembala. But, yeah, so I was... He doesn't speak anymore.

So I've given up now. I'll never be in Doctor Who. Oh, Frank. Well, I can't say I'm sad for you. I think it's a narrow escape. But it's as sad as the allotment, but in a different way, I think you'll agree. Well, what you need to do is do the same as you've just said I should do. Rather than you think of it that you're not on Doctor Who, just think that an actor is getting a role.

Yeah, but is there, though? Or is there just an empty chair behind Doctor Who that I would have been in? That's what gets me. Oh, you might have done an accent as well. I think you would have. Yeah, you could have done. But then if you've had a monster mask, you wouldn't have had a speaking part. Well, I would have done an accent as well. I think you would have. You could have done. But then if you've had a monster mask,

you wouldn't have had a speaking part. Well, I would, because I would have said, Oh, we'll destroy you if you ever return to the Spanish Palace. I would cast you based on that. Well, there you go. I think that was wonderful. That's, you know, they don't know what they... And seen.

Is that what they say? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that you and your acting experience. Maybe you should try for it. I'd love it. I'm available. Alan, ticket's still available. It's available. I've got a little bit of mascara.

You could be Davros. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, what I think is, I was in the chair for two hours at the dentist, and I think there should be some sort of in-flight entertainment. Right. Well, didn't you have any? Well, no. My dentist always gives me sex in the city box.

I wonder where that was going. Do you know what? He doesn't. He can't have a... There's a screen in there. There's a screen. No. Yes.

Can you see it? You can keep saying no. I'm going to keep saying yes. It happens. Put the big lights in the way, isn't it? Well, it depends what procedures you're having. This is the dentist. I don't know where to look.

Well, I mean, if I'd thought. I don't know where to look. Well, I mean, if I'd thought, I would have gone for my audio. Oh, you could have taken a Dracula or... Yeah, exactly. I knew that's finished now, innit? I listened to the talking book you gave me the other day, the War of the Worlds. How was it? It was great. A bit frightening? Yeah,

a bit frightening. Oh, that's what you want from War of the Worlds. But I knew that it was going to be frightening, so it was frightening in a good way. Oh, spoiler alert. Yeah. 50 years later. Well, I went to my accountant's yesterday. A bit frightening? How was that?

No, it was all right. I walked past the Jimmy Carr shrine in the corner. Now, in the waiting room there... There's a waiting room in the accountant's? Oh, I know what you mean. You know, when you go in the waiting room there. There's a waiting room in the accountant's... Oh, I know what you mean. You know, when you go in the waiting room anywhere, you might get, you know, Reader's Digest or something like that.

And that, Gio? There's an iPad in my accountant's. You can... With games. Games loaded. No way. Yeah. So I had ten minutes with Angry Bird before I went into it. Angry Bird, like a friend of yours. No, what happens is I Skyped Kath.

That's what I meant. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, can I start, before we go any further, by saying I was shocked, horrified and upset by the topless photographs. Oh, yeah. I think it's disgusting. I'm talking, of course, about the new Cliff Richard calendar,

which is previewed in the papers this morning. Oh, lovely. How old is Cliff? 72. I'll tell you... Well, he says, I'm making 70 the new 50. Yeah. If I was 72, I think I'd be bringing my calendars out a month at a time. Like the game-by-game contract that players prone to injury sometimes take up.

I think he looks smoking hot. He's got good abs. I mean, he's got a much better body than I have. Let me make that absolutely clear. The face, the face I could, you know, I don't know if I'd swap for the face, but the... You've got a better face. Yeah, the face looks... It seems to be

the same face on every picture. So I'm thinking he maybe had one when he thinks, yeah, I only look about 70 on that. We'll use that and just move it about a bit. Or it's lots of dishy younger men wearing those face masks that you see sometimes at football matches. Oh God, what if it was

that? I'm just looking for elastic. Frank, can I just say I'm not sure about a gold trouser in a Caribbean location though. Well that's good I think it reflects the sunlight and keeps everything cool downstairs. I like the one where he's on the jet ski, it's got a touch of the Vladimir Putin about it.

You know, when he catches fish or goes scuba diving or something. Yeah, Mussolini used to do that. Right. Any photograph, Mussolini, photo opportunity, he'd take his shirt off. And Putin has taken exactly the same thing. So it's Mussolini, Putin and Cliff Richard. Yeah, the big three.

Yeah, exactly. That'd be a great pub quiz question. What have they got in common? He does look amazing. He does. He does. And do you know, he says in the accompanying interview, which I think is almost Pulitzer Prize winning,

some of the stuff they've got out of him. It's on the long list, certainly. Yeah. Cliff says, I'm never going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger. And I can't argue with that. No, I think he doesn't believe in coming back, Cliff. No. No, he's not a Buddhist.

But guess what? This doesn't happen by chance, these abs. He says, when I know my calendar is coming up, I go to the gym for about three months before every other day. So let that be a lesson to you boys. I can do that in three months. That's absolutely brilliant. Yeah, and they can make your hair that colour as well.

Of course, if ever there was a man who doesn't need love handles, it's Cliff Richard. Enjoying neither love nor being handled in any way. No, he's just... That's a nice friend that he lives with. I think he's... Isn't there nice friend that he lives with. Well, you know... I think he's a lot... Isn't there friends? I know.

Does he live with anyone? Yes, he does. I thought he just lived with his record collection. No, he's... I met Cliff. He was a nice fella. He calls him his property manager. Yeah.

There we go. I like... I love an elaborate euphemism. No, brilliant. Of course, I mean, he's a very low-profile character. In the old days, to finish a gig, he wouldn't be off with, you know, he wouldn't be around with fans and all that. He was off with his property manager.

He just used to slip into the shadows. What else? What else is going on today? Well, what about Kate? We should talk about Kate, shouldn't we? We should, really. Let's call her our Princess of Hearts. Shall we? Yeah. You could start something Kate, shouldn't we? We should, really. Let's call her our princess of hearts. Shall we? Yeah. You could start something there.

Yeah, that'd be good, I think. I, um, what did you think? What did you think, Amy? You're a lady. What can I say? Do you think it's bad? Oh, I think it's disgraceful. But I do think, I was surprised she was what I call a roof-down girl.

I didn't think she'd be that kind of girl. Well, I think, you know, one has to sacrifice many things when you become a member of the royal family. And I thought one of them might be Topless Sunbathing. Yes, I think you could be right. Because what you get back is not bad. Someone said to me, Topless Sunbathing, but here's a palace, and you never have to work again. I know where I'd opt.

Actually, I'd work. Obviously, I'd still come here. But I wouldn't come here topless like I normally do. You could walk it, though, from the palace. No, I'd still come here, but I wouldn't come here topless like I normally do. You could walk it, though, from the palace. No, I'd come by. I'd love to arrive with one of them golden coaches hats on, four horses on a Saturday morning. Because you'd be sitting in there and you'd be like, oh, here comes Frank. And then it'd be Shep pulling it.

Yeah, I'm afraid Shep is no longer with us. I know. Wish you hadn't brought that up this is frank skinner absolute radio well i have a question for you okay i love it i mean you've uh no it's not a quiz question you've espoused some excellent views off air today on modern parenthood um i wondered if uh if you were going to bring Buzz up with particular rules, because it says in the paper this week that Gwyneth Paltrow only lets her children watch TV cartoons in French and Spanish. Magnifique.

She wants them to... Very good. Yeah, por favor. To be like you guys. I heard that at the ambassador's house in Faroe Rochere. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. One of the things about Gwyneth Paltrow

is her first child was called Apple. Yeah. And I bet you the cause were absolutely upset that they missed out on that one. Oh, thank you. You're right. God, they must have been sickened. And John Peel as well.

I bet he thought, oh, why didn't I? I think it's a good idea. Lee Mack. Lee Mack thought, oh, Apple, they must have been sickened. And John Peel as well. I bet he thought, oh, why didn't I? I think it's a good idea. Lee Mack. Lee Mack thought, oh, that would have been... Apple Mac. Very good, very good. I like the way that Alan has to say them out loud to get them. That last one, I really had to.

Good on you. Lovely work, though. It did. It was a Steve Jobs moment, that was, wasn't it? I nearly tucked my jumper into my jeans, just for a second. I think it's a very good idea, though. I like it. It's education by stealth, which I approve of.

Yes, that's very good. Always by stealth. Yeah. And it saves on the old Rosetta Stone, which is quite pricey these days. It is, yeah. Exactly, they're probably struggling a bit for a few quid, aren't they? Are you familiar with Michelle Thomas? Yeah, yeah. Exactly, they're probably struggling a bit for a few quid, aren't they? I used to use... Chris?

Do you know, are you familiar with Michelle Thomas? Yeah, yeah. Yes. Chauvet, I'm on my way. So he used to teach everything like that. But you could hear his dentures. Oh, really? So it's like, yes.

So, je suis désolé. I thought it was part of the... I thought it was one of those African... One of those things you had to do it. It kept me going. Je vais, I'm on my way. No! No!

Do you know a street fluent denture French? Exactly. French. That's what you call it. But the Magic Roundabout was a French show originally. Was it? Do you know that was originally called Le Manage Enchanté, which is so much nicer, I think.

I quite like the Magic Roundabout. And it sounds like something that might happen with your colleagues in the S&M community, I think. Well, I don't know about Enchanté. They don't like being enchanted. No, no. I suppose we might use that as a safety word. Can we please discuss one of my favourites, P. Middy?

Ah, yes, Pippa. Pipp Middy? Ah, yes, Pippa. Pippa Middleton. Ah, Pippa. It can't have escaped your notice that she's wrote in a book. I'll say she has what to celebrate. You know what, I like Pippa Middleton. Me too, I'm glad you've said that. And she's got, have I mentioned before the sad face, happy face thing with her? The bottom half of her face is lovely, smiling,

it generates a sense of joie de vivre. Whereas her eyes have a terrible sadness that she's lived through many bleak experiences. If you got the two, say if you got metal versions of the tragedy mask and the comedy mask and did a

second hand car salesman bit and welded welded two halves together A they'd been damaged. A cut-and-shunt. You would have, Paper Middleton. If you cut-and-shunted... Oh, God. Sorry, I think we got through it. Absolutely ill.

Yeah. That's what she's got, the sad... If she took to wearing a yashmack in public, people would think, oh, she's a very unhappy, very sad person. If she went around blindfolded, they'll think she's full of life. How strange. So you're both fans, aren't you? I'm glad to hear that, Frank.

I'd say she's my favourite royal. She's my favourite... Is she? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm doing this to slightly annoy people who get annoyed in this way. But, yeah, she's definitely... She's my favourite child of party planners. Definitely my favourite princess she is.

She's my favourite princess. I'm sure if the Beastie Boys were here, they would defend her to the hilt. Would they? They would fight for her right to party. Well, at least to organise a party. That's what she should have called the book, Frank. No, I was going to say, I thought she scrubbed up very well. Yeah.

Four outfits, lovely. No, I was going to say, I thought she scrubbed up very well. Yeah. Four outfits, lovely. Four outfits. The hair was a bit sport Victorian child, but I thought the outfits were great. I love the fact that she wore four outfits. People on the Daily Mail commenting about her wearing four outfits, I like that. Makes me identify with her. Well, I've got children, I quite often wear four outfits every day. Three of them have been soiled, but that's not the point.

Well, I, as a former Rear of the Year, I of them have been soiled, but that's not the point. Well, are you? As a former Rear of the Year, I know what it's like to be... How did that even happen? To be reduced to just a bomb on legs. I know what that's like. And... Who was the lady when you won it?

Carol Smiley won it. How do I know that? How do you know that? How do I know that? And I found I became a bit of a sex object for some. People would prod. People would prod. People would prod without even asking.

People would prod? They would. They'd come and have a bit of her. They would, yeah. And I think that's rude. I hear people walking away saying that, you know, there isn't a bit of giving it. Yeah, it's like people, when you see people buying cantaloupe, it was like that.

So I'm with me and Pippa Weir, I understand her pain. Here's what we need to talk about. A story this week about a woman who was high on drink and drugs and stole a passenger ferry. I was here all the time! And then crashed into boats shouting, I'm Jack Sparrow, has been jailed. Strict.

Alison Wheatley. Seems a bit strict, doesn't it? I like she said, I'm Jack Sparrow, I'm Spartacus. Yeah, but Jalyn seems unfair. They should have made her walk a plank, really, shouldn't they? The Daily Mail said that she claimed that she'd have ended up in Santa Pave if they hadn't caught her. I like that.

She didn't claim that, did she? She speculated. Also, it's a bit of Fred Goodwin. It's also a bit of the arrogance of somebody really drunk that just assumes that, oh, if you'd let me do that, I would have done it really well and ended up in somewhere good. Wouldn't that... There's all sorts of title considerations. Frank, can I tell you what else? My favourite thing. I like the idea she'd have sobered up and been reading, like, sea charts.

Hold on, it turns out, if I'm not mistaken... Hold on, pass us that sextant. Turns out I've ended up in Saint-Tropez. And can I say, my favourite thing about this story, other than the fact that she was drinking Lambrini, was the fact that she shouted to police at one point, I believe this is out of your jurisdiction. Which is so someone who's watched

Miami Vice too many times. Someone who used to listen to Radio Caroline and has thought, oh yeah, I'm offshore now so they can't touch me. Not true. Absolutely not. She might well have used to listen to Radio Caroline. She's 51. That was the thing that amazed me. She is 51. In the picture, she did not look unlike Jack Sparrow. I know what you mean. The smeared eyeliner and the slightly to minchin hair.

She looks... Yeah, she does... She's a bit minchin. Yeah. Oh, no, minging. Sorry. She shouted, I'm a pirate. Which I don't...

I think that was quite an unwise admission. But the odd thing... I know nothing about modern decadence at all. I've heard of Lambrini. Okay. I think I used to... That's not really decadence, Frank. It's a bit Poundland. She also had been eating deadly nightshade. Is that what it says?

Yeah. Now, I didn't know... I didn't know you could eat deadly nightshade. I thought it said something like that. She'd been eating hallucinogenic plants. Oh, well, you should have read further down. Mushrooms. No, I did. It was, uh, mushrooms. No, I'm afraid it was deadly nightshade. Oh, my goodness.

Which I then looked up on Wikipedia, because I thought it was a killer. All I knew about it is there used to be a kid in Dennis the Menace's gang called Dudley Nightshirt. Oh. I remember him. But anyway, um, no, people do use, they used to use it for poison-tipped arrows. Is that right? But, um, now they use it for poison-tipped arrows. Is that right? But now they use it as an hallucinogenic drug.

Can you believe that? No, that wasn't a rhetorical question. Can you believe it? Yes. Yeah. I was, I was knocked out by it. So what happened, they basically... I used to have a poison-tipped arrow myself.

Fine. But, you know, antibiotics. Fine. I didn't, I didn't know. myself. Fine. But you know antibiotics. Fine. I didn't know. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What news?

So I was walking down Whitehall. I feel there should be some political music. Maybe What The Paper Said. And I became aware of this bloke at my shoulder. And he was, we walked for about 10, 20, 30 yards and he was still at my shoulder trying to overtake. Yeah, so I realised this guy was up for it. And I looked, he didn't look the type, even.

It's the quiet ones. Yes, always. Competitive. He had, like, a dress shirt on and a beard. He had a beard. It's a young man, but with a beard. Looked like the sort of bloke who might enjoy an episode of Coast. And anyway, he overtook me.

I was taken by surprise. He overtook me, but then he did what I consider to be an unfair, he cut straight across me. Oh no. Did he? Yeah. He cut straight across to slow me on. What a swine. So, um, I just, uh, I, I just caught the trailing leg, deliberately. Oh, good for you. Deliberately. You didn't. I did. I mean, it's a yellow card, but. It's the old Vinnie Jones, let him know you're there. You put a reducer on him, like. I did. I mean, it's a yellow card, but... It's the old Vinnie Jones, let him know you're there. You put a reducer on him. I can't believe I did it, but I did.

I deliberately caught the back leg as he went across. Oh, right. If he'd have gone over, I would have used him as carpet. But anyway, he didn't look round. I think he just thought it was the hobo of the crowd, or maybe he knew the race was on. So then I thought, I can't go, he didn't look round. I think he just thought it was the hob-ob of the crowd, or maybe he knew the race was on. So then I thought, I can't let this get away. So then I really kicked in.

Did you up the ante then? And he was a fit young fellow, I'd say. Oh! Because usually people with beards, they're not so good at it, because there's an aerodynamic problem. Yeah. There's quite a lot of drag. Mm-hm.

OK. And I always think people with beards are usually too ill to shave. If they're that young, there's got to be a reason for it. No, that's a fashion beard, Frank. No, but if you've got a... Yeah, but, you know, it's a bit Mumford & Sons, that book. You don't expect them to be pedestrian racing. You expect them to be...

No, they're not jobs. Docile types. pedestrian racing, expecting to be docile types. You know, maybe nursing a stinger rash and in a search for dock leaves. That's how I think of them spending much of their life.

Anyway, honestly, I bet you we did 120 yards side by side. I mean, literally, people would have thought oh, there's two blokes who know each other who's in a bit of a rush. Because we were side by side, neither of us would give in.

And I knew I was going to have to cross the road eventually, and I told him to think I've just, I've peeled off like a red arrow. You're not peeling, yeah. You know when the red arrows peel off? So I had to get well ahead of him so that when I crossed the road he was already defeated. So I really, I really pushed him.

As we were going, I was laughing with excitement. I just couldn't believe it. I was exhilarated. I bet you looked very stable. Yeah. Two blokes, one with a beard and the other one laughing. Did you have to fight a temptation to raise your arms as you crossed some kind of imaginary finish line? No, because one of the secrets of pedestrian racing

is that that person must always go away never quite sure that it was just him. Yeah. Whether he's imagined the whole thing, that's the important thing about him. Because I wasn't used to it and I'd had no warm-up, I could feel it in the calves a bit.-up. I could feel it in the calves a bit. Hamstrings.

I could feel it in the calves. But I like the idea of beardy at work. Probably in a job with the word community in it. Just feeling a bit stiff himself, even though he's a younger man. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hey! This is

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio in Texas on 8-12-15 or you can follow us on that Twitter contraption. At Frank on Absolute. I like the idea of that Twitter contraption. I don't like the idea of it at all.

There's a guy just peddling furiously to power Twitter. I think he makes it sound like a mangle. It is a mangle. It mangles people's private lives. Oh, my God. Does it? I think so. Anyway.

Puritan fathers are back. They've been away a while. Who's Puritan fathers are back They've been away a while Who's Puritan fathers? Frank He does things like that Oh right I haven't heard that before That before my time

Did you mean the pilgrim fathers? They're pilgrim fathers The Puritans See I ran with it Yeah you did Pre-cockerel Pre-cockerel catchphrase Pre-cockerel

I didn't try to make a fool of you I didn't try to make a fool of you I just didn't understand Why don't you just admit you hate women? You're a misogynist and a sexist. That's quoting Julia Gillard. I wasn't demeaning. Anyway.

Anyway. I feel like I need to speak to you about jokes falling flat. Oh, well, can't we do this off of here? Yeah. Jeremy Hunt cracked a little joke joke to the Queen when he met her in a line-up where he's next to Heston Blumenthal in the picture. But he cracked a little joke,

which apparently fell flat. I feel his pain. He said, I read about a Japanese tourist who said afterwards how wonderful our Queen must be to take part in that meaning the James Bond Olympic ceremony thing as they would never get their

Emperor to jump out of the plane and then... Unless he'd been publicly disgraced in some way. Then they wouldn't be able to stop him jumping out of the plane. But apparently the Queen smiled, shrugged politely and moved on, which, that's a zing, isn't it? It also said she paused.

Can you imagine how long that pause felt for that poor man? While Jeremy Hunt listened to the ticking clock in the distance. Well, it wasn't a great gag. No. It wasn't his gag. Exactly. It was plagiarised. No.

It wasn't his gag. Exactly. It was plagiarised. But, I mean, I've always thought that Jeremy Hunt was... I'm not going to start rapping at this stage, don't worry. No, I don't... I don't have much time for Jeremy Hunt, but in this particular occasion, I'm with Jeremy. Oh, I feel his pain.

He tried a gag. Yeah, he tried it out. And then Duke of Edinburgh turns up and says... Who are you? Who are you? He says, who are you? He said, because they move you lot on pretty regularly. I believe what he said was, who are you?

Who are you? I wish he'd done that. But he said they move you lot on a lot. Yeah. Regularly. I would have said, you know what? That's because we have to get re-elected every four or five years. Fancy trying that? Yeah.

We don't just have to marry somebody, we have to convince an electorate to give us another go. So shut up about it! That's what I'd have said. I mean, let's face it, what is the Duke of Edinburgh? It's a sort of very highfalutin plus one. Yes, it is, really, isn't it?

Yeah, so I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually with Jeremy. But Frank, who are you? The worst three words in the English language, as far as I'm concerned. And he did that terrible thing that I myself have done in a royal line-up. I was going to say, you think...

You start defending yourself. I'm rather fascinated by the royal line-up, you see, because I thought Heston. I'm rather fascinated by the Royal line-up, you see, because I thought Heston... I was pleased to see him there in the chemistry glasses. I do like Heston. But also... I think that means real glasses. Although I can understand he's often in the other ones, isn't he?

In his chemistry glasses. Yeah, that's what they look a bit like. They do, yeah. Just had his hair bonzed and burned off by the skull bully. But Lionel Blair's often in a line-up, a royal line-up. I was surprised not to see him. Yeah, often in shows he hasn't even appeared in. And Frank, with the line-up...

He's an interloper. Yeah. Like girls in the Olympic ceremony. Happy slapper, royal line-up interrupter. As someone who's got first-hand experience of the line-up, do you get a sort of... Is there a build-up? Is there a bit of a pre-match build-up? As they get closer, yeah, you do start to get a bit dry-mouthed.

Oh, really? Because you can say what you like about the royal family. When you're in their presence, it's quite exciting. Right. My last one, if you remember, was Prince Charles. Do you remember that one? Oh, yeah. You were at his crib, though. Yeah, I was, yeah. I mean my last one if you remember was Prince Charles do you remember that one? you were at his crib though yeah I was yeah and it was

in my end is my beginning because my first one was with Prince Charles now that's where I sympathise because I've told this story many times but not so much my reaction to the story I'd just gone very badly at the Royal Variety performance and Prince Charles said to me in the line,

where do you normally work? Is it in the north? He sounds like me. And I said, oh, no, no, we're calling over the players to get lots of work in London. I started pathetically defending myself and that's what jeremy hot did he said oh i i'm the minister of culture and and all that minister of culture and he said oh can you get us some cheap yogurt terrible mix up whole thing

so i do i feel sorry for oh i feel sorry for him i i have this moment, I would say, maybe once or twice a week where I'll crack a joke to... It happens quite commonly to waiting staff or in a pub when you're buying a round or something and you say something, not a joke joke, but just something a bit flippant like... And then you realise that person, nice though they may be, does not speak English as a first language and the people with you are looking at you

and you've got your funny cracked-a-joke face. They probably do speak English as a first language and the people with you are looking at you and you've got your funny crack-the-joke face. They probably do speak English as a first language. Don't look to that. I'm really looking to that. I'd say twice a week I'm looking to that. I think the Queen has shrugged off her German by now. That's what I was thinking. I went into a lamp shop and the woman said,

can I help you? And I said, well, I wouldn't mind if you could lend me a fiver till the end of the week as a joke. And she said, oh, no, I can't. It all went really awkward. I can't get into the till without a purchase. Yeah, I mean, it was terrible. I mean, obviously she was an imbecile,

but I still felt bad about it. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I still felt bad about it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Can you believe that this has happened to me? I'm the timing. I've just got into Merlin. It's so hot right now as well. I can't believe it. It's really on trend, isn't it?

Yeah. Well, because, you know, because, please, dear listener, Emily and Alan are all, you know, have you seen Homeland? Have you seen The Wire? Things that are on right now. Mark Merlin is on now. It is on now.

And I've just got into it, series five I think it is, and I love this. This is going to keep me going to my death. That's what I thought. And I've pulled it this week. But Frank, you're going to have to find something else. I was thinking maybe Bergerac or Cadfire.

No, this is a brilliant... It's the thinking man's Game of Thrones. Rosemary and Time? Have you seen Merlin? No, I saw a bit of it once. No. It looked a bit seven-year-old boys in Wisconsin, I told you. My next thing was to ask my manager to try and get me a part in it.

After his terrible failure of getting me a part in Doctor Who. My manager is here today. I got him to phone up Doctor Who and say I would play any part. Did you actually do that? Yeah. Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. I'll tell you what they said because my manager told me this the other day.

I spoke to the main person. This is mortifying. And she said that she was really glad to hear that that's something I wanted to do. Paul, stop.

Now, should there need to be another part to that statement? And thus, we would like to offer, and thus, no. Something I'd like

to do. Goodbye. Frank, he's only told you about 30% of that conversation. I was thinking I could be a brilliant in Merlin. I'm thinking as a plague victim. But still, I miss my window. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

I'll tell you what I enjoyed this week, a bit of a celebrity feud. I'm talking about De Niro, Jay-Z. It's an odd thing, because Jay-Z approached Robert De Niro, and he went over and said, Hey, how you doing? You know the way they do, the rappers. I think bro was used. You think? You don't think he went over and went,

What's up? I hope so. I hope he went over and went, what's up? I hope so. I hope he went over and did the crazy frog and he said, just to see Robert De Niro saying, so, anyway, he said, how are you doing? And De Niro said,

I found you six times, you never got back to me. Is that rude? He said to me. He did apparently say that. Oh, I like it. you six times, you never got back to me. That's rude, he said to me. He did apparently say that. Oh, I like it. Quite old school, old man himself. That's rude, yeah. Parental guidance.

That's rude. Yeah. And he's right. It is rude. And I've heard he's got quite a temper on him. Has he? Bob De Niro. Elton John told me that...

Clang! Yeah. He used to call him... Elton John had this thing of calling all his male friends by female names. He used to call Robert de Niro Roberta, and apparently he used to get really angry about it. If I got a phone message

out of the blue from Robert de Niro... It's not going to happen! It would give me stomach trouble. The idea that I've got a phone bat Robert De Niro, I'd get so anxious about that. Honestly, it would make me... Do you think that's what it was? That Jersey was just a bit scared to call him back?

I think, who wants to call Robert De Niro, you know? Also... You're going to say something stupid, aren't you? He's a nose breather as well, isn't he, Robert De Niro? He's one of those... Yeah, he is a nose breather. Oh, yeah't he, Robert De Niro? He's one of those... Yeah, he is a nose breather. Can I say... Can I say I feel sorry for the listeners

that they didn't see that impression. It was like Robert De Niro. It was very good, wasn't it? No, but I'm not being ironic. It was really good. Yeah. He's got that downturned smile thing, but if he leaves a voicemail message just doing that,

it's going to sound like a heavy breather, isn't it? Robert De Niro in a huff on the phone is just... Yeah. Yeah, he still should have got back to you. Maybe he phoned him out the blue so he didn't get the Robert De Niro name come up on the thing. Similar thing happened to

me. No, a man I'd barely met, suddenly, Neil Morrissey called me and said to me, you've been quite the name dropper this half. Neil Morrissey, FYI, doesn't count. Carry on. No, come on. He phoned me up and said,

do you want to see Van Morrison at Caesar's Palace looting? Extraordinary invitation. Extraordinary. I said yes. You know, I mean, who could say no? Jay-Z. That would have been it Frank, can I tell you what I'd like to discuss

right here, right now you say yeah I'd like to discuss the Pope because he's finally he's sort of come over to the dark side a bit, Frank. I won't have that said. No, I love his holiness, but he's joined Twitter. When you say you love his holiness, do you mean as in him?

Yes. Referring, or do you love the holiness that belongs to him? Oh, the office, not the man. It was tricky. When you're talking about the Pope, you've got to... Frank, he's joined Twitter. His Twitter handle is at Pontifex. It's that Pope in Latin, apparently.

That's quite cool, isn't it? I think it's a pun on Pontifract. Big fan of those little streets. He loves the Yorkshire-based pun. He should have got at Pope. I worry that someone in Wisconsin has stolen that first. I think at the Pope has already gone. Exactly, someone in Wisconsin.

Can't they throw money at the problem? You'd think, wouldn't you? I just hope that there is a technical assistant to get him through it, because today he's an old man. I told him to accidentally end up on Grindr. Can you imagine the abuse you'd get on there? It might be worse on Twitter.

I'll be like a stranger in a strange land. I'll be absolutely honest. I think I would prefer that to him being on LinkedIn. If he went on LinkedIn, I think I'd convert to the Church of England. I wonder if he will end up there. What are we going to do about people on LinkedIn? What are these people who... Can they be rounded up? I hate them, Frank. I do about people on LinkedIn? What are these people? Can they be rounded up?

I hate them, Frank. I hate you all on LinkedIn. Somebody wants to put you on there, something on LinkedIn. What are you talking about? Leave me alone. And also, I'm happy that my... Was it PIP, this stuff? Was that PPI?

Oh, yeah. Were you missold? Keep, yeah. Oh, yeah. Were you missold? Keep the money. Yeah, have a drink. Keep your PPI. It's a drop in the ocean to you, isn't it? Get off my back.

Historically speaking. Get off my back with the PPI. Money. Oh, we've got a cheque. We've got a cheque ready for you, it said. We've got a cheque ready for you for £1,200 PPI. Right, it said. Did you just text back? A cheque?

Keep it. A cheque? Where did this text come from? 1978? Do you mean you got a cheque? Where did you find that? Oh, you mean I... Don't bother me.

I'm not that crazy about texts from friends. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. E-mail corner. And relax, we're in E-mail corner. This is from Kieran, Frank. Kieran, he's a fellow baggy. Yes?

I heard you talking about people turning on Christmas lights, and I'd wondered if you'd heard about the strange incident in Wolverhampton. SpongeBob. SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes. Was due to turn on the lights recently. However, upon trying to get onto the stage, SpongeBob was unable to climb the steps because of his

costume. Health and safety regulations then meant that SpongeBob could not be lifted onto the stage. To be fair, they say on A-Bob, he was not allowed to try. Oh, really? Because of his width, it was decided that he should not take it. It's only like five stairs up the stage. Health and safety

gone mad, innit? Health and safety not only gone mad, but with a long history of mental illness Health and safety gone mad, isn't it? Health and safety, not only gone mad, but with a long history of mental illness. Yes! Yes, do another email, for God's sake. Dear Frank Allen... I think I've wronged as much as I can out of SpongeBob. Well. You squeezed the SpongeBob for all it's worth.

I was very absorbed by the SpongeBob theme. Don't get me wrong. Well, we thought wrong, didn't we? There's four. Dear Frank Allen and the gorgeous Emily, first I want to say a big thank you. A recent break-up has left me unable to listen to music for fear every song might induce hysterical sobbing.

I'll try the fall. That tends to straighten you out pretty sharpish. That's a bit, hold on. Is that sad enough? Really? I don't think it's quite sad enough, is it? It feels jaunty. Welcome to my 1960s chat show. Why would that cheer you up? I wish you had a 1960s chat show. It's so hard to get one commissioned nowadays. The extensive podcasts have undoubtedly seen me through those tough days and also brought smiles and laughter. Oh.

Is this a man or a lady? It's a lady. For this public service, I thank you and wonder if the team have any break-up survival tips. Abby, long-time listener, first-time emailer. P.S. I'm doing much better now, but there's always the fear of relapse. Oh. Oh, Abby. Can we call you Downton? I'm sorry that Abby's had a break-up, but let's face the fear of relapse. Oh, Abby. Can we call you Downton?

I'm sorry that Abby's had a break-up, but let's face it, we all have them. We do, but can I just say, Frank, you are, Frank is the best person to ask in this scenario. He is. You know what they say on things like LBC? They'll go, of course I'm not able to

comment on any individual case. No, I... I mean, I tend to wallow in it. Yes, you do. On the occasions I've got dumped, I start smoking again, I walk around. If it's summer, it's a nightmare. You want it to be winter so you can wear an overcoat

with the collar turned off. Yes. Smoke a cigarette and feel like, you know, you've got the... I listen to a lot of Roy Orbison, which is... I mean, if you want sad music, that's what you're on. And I absolutely imagine I'm in a film where I've been dumped. I think the secret

is to embrace it. Hey, let's face it, you're not going to be embracing anything else. Oh, sorry. The other thing that always got me through it was, well, saucy videos. But it doesn't work for everyone. Oh, that's nice.

But I found it a great consolation. Videos? Yes. Well, it's been a long time since I've been dumped. Frank always said to me as well, once when I was dumped, Frank said, oh, you're at the forensic stage, which I really like. Yeah, when you're pulling it apart. But he said that on Tuesday.

Why is he doing that? Frank said, you're allowed to stay there for a bit but then you have to eventually leave the incident room. I'm going to leave this with, I think, the only way we can end this. Go, girl. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I begin by telling you something terrible that happened to me this week? Yeah. I did the Graham Norton show and that isn't the terrible thing i like doing the graham norton show very good show he's a nice bloke who are your fellow couch people can i just ask my fellow coach people you know you get your initial three people on the couch and then you're joined by a musical guest oh yeah at

the end yeah it's the way it works so i was with um billy piper lovely i was very excited about actually when i met her i you know you did the showbiz kiss i said um oh rose um you didn't that's because that was their character how embarrassing no she was fine with it it wasn't just around she was fine with it but she actually said what a muggle look i you know i could have called the stuff based on other well known roles she's played then she'd have a reason to be upset. So it was... And Josh Groban, the singer. Oh, you raised me up. Well, I didn't think you'd be that excited.

So anyway, that was it. It was all set. And the musical guest was Example. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's trendy, Frank. He's one of the trendies. Well, I'll be absolutely straight with you. You know, I'm a middle-aged man. And when I say middle-aged, if I'm going to live to 110, I'm a middle-aged man. That's bleak.

And I thought I could do in the modern technology. I mean, it could be the last four years as a hologram. Anyway, I'm not familiar with examples work. So I thought I'd go on the YouTube. You know the YouTube? Yeah, yeah. Go on there and find a few, as it were, examples. Paragraphs. A few EGs. So I

listened to a track. Do you know what? I loved it. So we did the show and the show was, you know, I put my blue Stratos on. I was all set. The show went nicely. I saw afterwards, Example came up to me and said, how are you doing, and all that. I said, look, I said, hey, I said,

I tell you there's a track of yours I really love, Lowdown. And he said, what, you've heard it on Lowdown? I said, no, no, the track Lowdown. I said, I really... I feel so ill at this moment. I know it's not going to end well. I said, I think it's brilliant. I said, I'll be honest with you,

I wasn't familiar with your stuff, but I listened to that, I thought, honestly, it's great. Oh, my God. He said, I don't have a track called Lowdown. Frank, this is the worst thing you've ever done. I feel ill. And I actually did. You know those things where people say,

oh, I think you did. I actually said, no, no, you definitely, it's definitely you. I mean, oh, please. And he said, no, honestly, I don't have a track called Lowdown. And you know, the show had gone well, and I felt good.

I had that. That glow. If a show goes well, yeah, I'd say a good show and Ready Break. The two things in my life that give me that glow. And I had that. I felt up and elated. And I suddenly got the quickest stomach ache I have ever got in my life.

I was crippled with stomach pains. I can't believe you argued with him. That's like that extraordinary argument you had with Tony Blair. Yes, about whether Brian Ricks was alive and he'd met him the week before or something. It was so... And the terrible thing was, he blushed on my behalf. Oh, no.

I made example blush. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.