The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Bing

Episode Date: May 25, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week, Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. The team discuss Buzz's first birthday, George Michael's recent incident and Emily's encounter with Trevor Nunn. There's also an update on Bieber watch!

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Remember them? You can text us on 81215 and you can please do that because we love to hear from you. Or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. to hear from you. Or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email us if you go to our website, the absolute website.

Who's the last person who typed in www? I love it when you say www. When's the last time you did that? I'll just type in www slash... Nobody does that. Google. Ask Jeeves. Yahoo.

So many options. So little time. It's a Bing as well. Is Bing another one? Bing? Bing. Where the blue of the night You see, this is where we are with technology. Meets the goal.

Say, if you're looking for the absolute radio website, why not try this baby? Bo-bo-bo-bo-boes. I like to get the kids early on with my Bing Crosby impression. That's got a younger demographic listening. Oh, we're off on the road to Morocco. What a great line, that is. Like Webster's Dictionary, we're Morocco-bound.

Is that what it says? Fantastic. That's good. Frank, we're Morocco bound. Is that what it says? Fantastic. That's good. Frank, we've got additional personnel in the studio this morning. Who, Bob? Yeah. Stop calling him Bob. Stop calling him Bob. I'm sure that Daisy, our producer, introduced

our new addition as Bob this morning. I can't think of him as anything else, especially as Bob. I should say, some of you will know Sarah, who I have accused of trying to poison me in the past. Half-jokingly, though, to be fair. She's leaving next week, in fact, which is very sad for us, especially as the whole thing didn't really come up

until we failed to get a Sony nomination. And she's going to, I think, is it Johnny Walker you're going to? Well, you must have a speaker, a four-year-go. Is that Johnny Walker? Is it Bell? It's a four-year-go. Don't look to me as alcohol correspondent. That's not insulting, is it? That's this week's texting is whiskey slogans. Yeah.

I think a four-year-go is Johnny Walker. Yeah, I think you could be right. Sort of marching, someone who looks like he's late for the hunt. Yes. Marching. My kind of guy. So, yeah, so Sarah is leaving for what I believe they call pastures new. I don't know whether they call it new pastures.

No. What they want to have a look at is syntax. Yeah. When they're asking Jeeves. And Bob steps in. It's not Bob. Frank, he's called Rob. Yeah, but you know...

No one's called Bob anymore because it's not 1974. No, but Bob doesn't look very 1974. No. He looks like maybe Buddy Holly had a parachute after all. Bob looks like a 50s kind of a cool dude in horn-rimmed spectacles and stuff. I think he's like a member of One Direction who studied hard at school. Oh. So I'm going.

That's both, isn't it? That's good. That's flattery of extreme. He could be the one that the girls like just to be different. Yeah. Like David Baddiel was in Newman and Baddiel. Baptism of fire. Anyway, welcome.

Do you mind if I call you Bob? I'm sort of stuck with it now. We can negotiate. Is this like calling me the cockerel? Have you got some kind of trait developing where you rename people? No, I don't. It's your choice what you're called. I don't want to get all Chris Evans about it. You don't have to worship at my altar, Bob. I need you to know that.

Anyway, welcome. As for you, Sarah, get out. And yes, I did say Sarah. I should have always been that Sarah. I mean, what is this? Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Frank, remember you were asking some questions about whiskey earlier? Well, yeah, I was trying to work out whether Johnny Walker, who is, that's where Sarah's fleeing to, is Johnny Walker's show, whether the actual whiskey is a four-year go. I remember that. 787 has solved it for us. Frank, Johnny Walker was born 1820, born 1820 still going strong a bit like me

bells god that wasn't were we all right to laugh at that i think so okay moment of rare levity in relation to my age uh bells was a four year ago okay and then vat 69 never found suitable slogan no i can't 69 69 i think was it69, I think it might have been a 45 wine. Oh. Or sherry of some kind. Because you don't put whiskey in a vat, for goodness sake. No one puts baby in a vat. It's nice to have this chat at 8.14am, though, isn't it?

About strong liquor. Yeah, but bear in mind most of our listeners wake up still fighting drug from the night before. Fighting drunk. We've also had an email from Neil saying, Frank, I'm depressed as I'm working a Saturday, which is a rarity for me. Obviously not for you. He puts in brackets, three hours. Luckily, I've got you and the gang to support me.

I'm always working, can I tell you that? Always working. I was wondering, what is your favourite joke? He wants a joke to brighten up his Saturday. OK. You've got three hours, just keep listening. There might be one. My favourite, probably my favourite joke,

it was slightly damaged by decimalisation. Oh. More Bing Crosby material coming out. Yeah, my favourite joke used to be, I went out with a mermaid once. Fabulous figure, 36.24 and three and six a pound. Oh, lovely. But you can't say three and six a pound anymore.

And I don't know what fish he's selling at now. No, text in on 812.50 if you know the price of fish. Someone can text in a better ending to that joke. I might be able to... We could workshop it. Revive it. We did workshop a few, didn't we? I can't remember what the one was.

Did we? Do you not remember? We had a text in. No, I don't remember. Why bring up the fact I don't remember it? Is that how you treat the elderly in this country? Evidently. Okay, that's a panorama special. What happened? You had a bit of a special...

Frank Skinner bullied for his lack of memory. Picture of me staring plaintively into camera. I had a what? You had a special week, special... Frank Skinner bullied for his lack of memory. Picture of me staring plaintively into camera. I had a what? You had a special week, I was going to say. I did have a special week. It was my son's first birthday this week. My son, Baz, yes, B-U-Z-Z, was one, and it was exciting. He had gifts.

We went to the theatre. We went to the zoo. It was lovely. We should just say to new listeners that that is the music that accompanies Buzz. You don't think that you just played Happy Birthday, do you? No. The cockerel is convinced that I'm seener.

No, I'm just trying to widen the appeal to new listeners. I don't want people to feel like they're not getting this in joke. Oh, okay. That'll work on commercial radio, won't it? I'm happy with the ones that we've got. We've got quite an exclusive clique at the moment. Yeah. I don't want any riff-raff. I've got quite an exclusive

clique. No one's seen it for years. You can say that, I can't. No, I did. I bought him a tonneau for his son. Oh, lovely. Yeah.

What's a tunnel? What's a tunnel? What's a tunnel? That's this week's texting. What is a tunnel? The old prisoners of war will be texting him. I'll tell you what a tunnel is, love. Do you mean?

No, I know the tunnel in a cold-it sense, clearly. What I mean is, was it a Lego tunnel? No, no, it was a tunnel, it comes in a box and it looks like it might be a hula hoop with a bit of material on it and you give it a bit of a flick, like an opera top hat, you give it a flick and

it goes a bit Simon Monnery hat I know them well. Yeah, it's like a five foot multi-coloured tunnel, with a diameter I'd say, well I'd be about a metre. And, oh, I've played a bit of French. I've said metre. What a continental

morning we're having. Does he love it? He did. I thought, what I'll do is I'm not going to highlight the tunnel. I'll just put it in his play area and see if he cottons on. And he was just knocking around as normal,

and then suddenly he just went through the tunnel like it had been there for years. It was a brilliant moment. It's like turning left on a plane. Can I tell you, so you can picture the tunnel, can you? It's just like, it's like that. It's like a top hat with no end. I can 100% picture it.

Okay. It comes with instructions, which include, let me give you one of these. Never shelter in this product during a thunderstorm. But, you know, it also says, hold it, one more, not waterproof, not waterproof or made for camping. It's an open-ended, five-foot, multicoloured tunnel for camping. It's an open-ended, five-foot, multi-coloured tunnel. For camping.

I'm not going to buy that for Graham Norton anymore, then. No, it looks like a keep net for clowns. If there's any anglers listening. Okay, par exemple. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I find myself occasionally, well, not so much occasionally, as every track clapping along nowadays. It's like being on Kiss FM.

It's like I'm really getting into the music. Good. Loving it. Joanne Sutton says, Frank, when you said you'd bought your son a tunnel, I worried you may be showing off your wealth and had purchased the Blackfriars underpass. Oh.

Now, I would have bought a central reservation so he could sleep on it like his dad used to in his drinking days. Would have made me so proud. He wets the bed as well. We have so much in common. Good night. Oh my God.

So I took him to the theatre. Well, I know you did. Because I'm reading about it in the newspaper. I think it might be a local newspaper. Well, it's not national news. Frank Skinner takes Charles to theatre. No. Trevor MacDonald wasn't announcing it mid-bong.

No. It says... Is that a bit of gossip? Yeah. They're supposed to keep quiet about Trevor MacDonald's bongs. Apparently he does it for health reasons. The elderly often do. Comedian Frank Skinner was spotted

in Wimbledon today. The stand-up comic writer and actor... Actor? Actor! I love that. Fabulous. Can you email that to the Doctor Who office? Oh, yeah. Sad.

...was taking his one-year-old son to watch the Polka Theatre's production of Lullaby. Yes, Lullaby. A musical performance created specifically for parents and babies under the age of one well i know it was that must have been noisy well it was because he was one i thought he might be turned away at the door but flexible they said we did have a child and it was two days over one i thought you're crazy that could have gone very wrong but it was uh what happened as we went into

a small what does it say anything about the play in there it says during Lullaby the show's composer Natalie Raybould performed soothing songs

inspired by scientific research on early communication between mothers and babies to an intimate audience of 12 babies and their

parents yeah so it's a room it's like a tent it's like a beige tent we went into with beige. It could be biscuit. Let's call it beige. With beige cushions on the floor and a beige,

the whole thing was beige. And beige is one of the few colours, I think, that gets a bit of stick. Yeah? Colours, people use it pretty neutral, but beige, you know what I mean? Oh, good use of neutral. It's a bit beige

Although my mum's got a problem with the colour orange She has a theory that it drains your energy Is that right? Whenever anybody wears orange, my mum goes I can't believe you're wearing that orange, it drains your energy Honestly, and I'm pretty sure I've told you this before, but she first mooted this I must say the Hare Krishnas are quite languid

She first mooted this theory I must say the Hare Krishnas are quite languid. She first mooted this theory that orange drains your energy when Holland were playing football on the television and winning 5-1. But to be fair they looked exhausted. Is she a cosmic sort of a person? I've always thought of her as quite

a tough working class woman. Yeah, she's a mixture of the two. You've nailed it on the head there. I think she's an impressive woman. Oh, yeah, she's an impressive woman. But she's got a bit of the Gandalf about her. Anyone who finishes anecdotes with, so that's that, is OK by me.

So, anyway, we go into this room, and the actress person who sings and that comes out, and she's dressed not only in beige, not only in the same beige, the same base the same fabric as the cushions and the she's in cushion fabric yeah can i say it's very what i call yoda chic it was yeah tattooing it was tattooing chic it was it was very uh and uh and she you know kind of i can't exactly replicate it for legal reasons, otherwise we'd have babies throwing themselves at the radio. No. You'd have to go...

Like that. Did I? And holds up an illuminated ball. And the babies are all transfixed. Oh. Well, actually, Boz tried to crawl out. I had to go and get him. He headed straight for the exit.

Do you think he thought he was in the tunnel? I said, look, when you're a celebrity, you can't walk out mid-show. You just close that door. Because that'll be on Twitter and it makes you look like a complete monster. We talked about it. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've had a text in about the cockerel's mum. Oh, yeah.

She rules that roost. True. 934, your mum must find lucasade strangely ironic with its orange colour and energy-giving properties. That's a very good point indeed. Yeah. We've never noticed that to point it out ourselves, even though this has been in the family for years, obviously.

Once... I think you should go home, slam a bottle of leukoside on the bottle and say, how reason you this? Can I just make it clear to the listenership that I don't currently still live with my mum? I'm hoping you go home. Can I make it clear to the listenership that it's not medieval Britain? Say things like, how reason you this?

Does she live in Scotland? No, she lives in West Yorkshire. It's not medieval Britain. You don't say things like, how reason you this? How reason you this? Does she live in Scotland? No, she lives in West Yorkshire. Oh, OK. Same thing, isn't it? No. It's markedly different. I imagine they still sell leucoside in its prissy cellophane wrapping. Oh, I love that. It used to be in a clear coloured bottle.

Right. And then it's had coloured paper wrapped around it. And people would bring it to people in hospitals. Yeah, always. You know, hospitals are a bit like carry-on films. You used to get leukoside and grapes if you were ill. That was it. That was the deal.

When you look at things, a lot of... There's no medicine. A lot of packaging has changed over the years, hasn't it? You're right. You're absolutely right. Didn't used to be in plastic bottles either. Even, as we bring in a member of the fashion industry, even people's packaging.

You know what I'm saying? Yes, the way people present, yeah. You did ask for people to get in touch at the start of the show. We've also had an email. I believe that you introduced the first track with a memory of your trip to, was it Boulogne? I did on some channels and not on others. Good point. I first went abroad to Boulogna on a day trip in 1974.

I liked it so much that I moved to France permanently. You wouldn't have fitted in here on the radio. You have to shout a lot from Germany or Paris. Apparently you have to shout a lot there. I wonder why that is. Why would you not fit in if you had to shout a lot? I suppose they had to sit further back from the radio. You had to give some arm gesture

room. Oh, yeah. So they can gesticulate with guster yeah gesticulate with gusto is the new dvd i'm uh i'm bringing out gustos i did you know him he's that italian um mime artist oh yeah brilliant actually but very difficult to work with he's knocked me out twice hi frank emily and alan i've just arrived in Newquay and gone straight to Fistral Beach to experience the Skinner effect capitalised. Only a few miles away from Padstow

where the name emanated from. Enjoyed it very much. Can I explain that if someone's only listening to this for the first, say if you're in custody this morning and one of the coppers have got it on. For example? Extraordinary police station.

Last week, they're quite laid back. One of those where they wear the short-sleeved blue shirt. Oh, the coach driver shirt. Love. Last week I was talking about standing on the beach in Cornwall and as the water, what do they call it, the ocean, as it receded I felt like it was still and I was zooming backwards and I asked if there was a name for this.

And if there wasn't one I was hoping to claim the Skinner effect. Like people, they look for planets so they can call it after themselves. Roses they do it with as well. Roses and planets are the big two. Oh, Cadbury's roses? No, no, the actual um okay the the flora uh so that so someone has actually used the skinner effect that's pretty that makes me so proud this is frank skinner absolute radio oh i took i took I took Buzz to the petting zoo. Oh, lovely.

You know where you go when it's like... Oh, I know what the petting zoo is. In Battersea Park. I'd recommend it to parents. Recommend it to me. Yeah, well, it's nice. You know, there's things like donkeys and ponies that you don't get in

I had a bad encounter with a donkey once really? that was at London Zoo, he bit my school blazer I had to put my hand in quickly I don't know if it's true about donkeys, will they eat clothing? I think it sounds like it he had a good go at my chocolate blazer

I'm basing it entirely on that hang on, it's a chocolate blazer chocolate brown it was a chocolate blade so i would have had to go myself i know you're not meant to give horses chocolate it's in a dick francis novel i read is that right i think so oh he loves the dick francis i did i do i went through a phase where i remember you come to mention it i have never seen a horse eating chocolate no i think it um i think it doesn't some ill if there's any yeah good because i'm not a fan as you know

If there's any equine types in Then don't call me Well I'd like to know about the chocolate thing I'm fascinated Why would that I mean it's not going to If I give one a revel It's not going to just keel over

Is it a horse You're on about the perpetual What if they have like a Mars a day Yeah No that'll help Work, work rest play and die apparently with horses but they say work rest and play and what have you done alan you're in pain this is prank this is the strangest thing that's ever happened on the show alan's got a bit of's cramp he pulled a weird

expression, he wheels himself like ironsides away from the desk I thought we'd had the most abusive text that's ever been sent I think I'm going to lie on the floor and get Bob to press my heel down you know like they do at the end of an extra time game

have you got any salt tablets Bob? salt tablets would be good for the cramp. I'm fine now, everyone. Are you OK, Alan? Thanks for your concern. You went bright red. Oh. Bit of fun, though, wasn't it?

Anyway, you're at the petting zoo. I think he was attention-seeking. It's always fine. Because he's fine now, Frank. Look. I imagine attention-seeking on the radio. He'd look like a flashback of some kind to me. Was it the asthmatic?

Jason the asthmatic. Jason the asthmatic that I played in A&E. Yeah. Remember that, kids? Nope. Oh, I'm in shock. So we took him to... Here's a question for you two and for anyone who knows.

I was there at meerkat feeding time. No. No. Right? And please, no, if anyone says simples, I'm leaving this show. No. And so they came out and I thought, oh, this will be interesting because I don't know, what would you feed meerkats?

So they came out with these little Tupperware boxes. You know I love a bit of Tupperware. All together now. Lid coming off Tupperware. And they started feeding them. What, you can tell me after this track, what do they feed me a cat at the zoo? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. do they feed meerkats at the zoo? Frank?

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yes, Alan? I've got my guess on hold. Okay, so what do they feed meerkats in captivity? 252 has guessed nuggets. I've got a guess. Like chicken nuggets. I'm guessing so.

I don't know. 252, let us know. It would got a guess. Like chicken nuggets. I'm guessing so. I don't know. Two, five, two. Let us know. It would have been great. Chocolate. Is it a big box of Rebels? It would have been brilliant if a KFC van had turned up. And they'd just chopped it in.

I'm torn between... I was going to go Werther's Originals. Oh, come on. But no, I'm going to go, I think, cereal. Like Coco Pops I'm going. Coco Pops? Yeah. What kind of teeth have they got?

Maybe they have a bit of apple. Well, you can only get so close at the petting zoo. No? Live maggots. Lovely. It's the last thing I would have thought of a meerkat eating. They were

loving it. Also, how do you know that they even like them? If that's all they're given, I'm sure that wouldn't be first on the menu. They must be testing. Like the first day they get out. Testing. First day they get out into the light angel delight and then they get a banana nothing what we need is animals the next one there was two vietnam vietnamese pot buried pig carcasses they just played on him as if they were hillocks. Oh, yeah. George Clooney looking sad. Let's try live maggots straight at him. Really? And I asked the keeper about it.

I said, well, all we've got is live maggots. They'll just have to manage today. But they did really like them. And she said, it's the only live creatures you're allowed to give to. Oh, really? You can't put two antelopes in with the lions or stuff like that. No. No.

Or maybe an arctic roll in with a polar bear. None of that. But it was lovely. It was a lovely day, I have to say. You know, it's a special occasion. Well, it's a bird day. I think that qualifies as a special occasion. Not so special in my house.

No, exactly. Obviously, the novelty wears off, so let's enjoy it now. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on... What am I on? Absolute Radio. What are you on? I can't think straight now. I was wondering.

You can text us on 81215 if you have anything to say that's decent. And follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. And you can email us on... Go to the absolute website. Do you know what I call it, darling? The thing. Email us on the thing. I'm trying to encourage the use of alternative search engines.

I can't think of any others you can think of. Still no one's said whether or not Bing is one. I'm pretty sure it is. Oh, don't. He's going to start again. I don't want it to have undue prominence. I am dreaming of a wide high. The start of two hours. That's good. We've had a few texts here.

I touch myself. So, we've had some texts. I love that cover. Okay, we've had a text in from 7000. You know we were talking about the Skinner effect? Yes. Earlier. You think that you're moving, but the sea's moving.

Yeah, as it recedes. You do it with trains as well. Sometimes you're on a train and you think your train is moving and etc. It's called the Skinner effect now. I know it is. And Kevin Plant from Handslow. Kevin Plant. Yeah.

Says Frank. It's good to know we've got a plant in the audience. Yes. Very good. Frank, if you stand your son in the shallows at the edge of the receding ocean facing the water, as the water rushes out,

he will drop back onto his bottom. His young brain cannot reconcile which is moving, the sea or himself. Wow. Not only that, but he can't stand up. It's a foolproof experiment.

Yeah. How exciting. Well, you must try that. There was no standing ovations at the baby theatre. No. He does applaud now, though. Does he? Oh, good.

That's fun, isn't it? Oh, he's learned young. You've taught him well. Oh, yeah. I need a bit of applause around the house. I'm getting on from his mother. We've also had a text from... I get love instead.

We've had a text from Gavin York. Do meerkats eat meerkat food? Aye. I get love instead. We've had a text from Gavin York. Do meerkats eat meerkat food? Aye. So he's done. I think that's a quality pun. And also from... If you stood a load of meerkats on the beach, when the sea pulled out, would they all fall over?

That's worth trying. What can I just say? If there's any parents who's thinking of trying out the skinner effect on their child, if it's swept away. Very strange statement. That is not my fault. Good point. Yeah, because that's to worry if a big wave came in it could be swept away. Yeah, nice caveat.

Could you possibly repeat what... I found it a bit salty. Could I just say something here? Bob, love you. Tea's a bit milky. Oh. Just saying that. On air. On air. Yeah. The listenership need to know. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, the tea's a bit milky. This has not got poison in it, though, has it? That's true. I'm not saying it's not an improvement. That's what Bob would say. Oh, no, the tea is a bit milky. I love Bob. Bob, how about a milky I love Bob Bob happy hello I like Bob

Could you possibly repeat Love doesn't happen overnight for me Oh, welcome to my world We've had a text Could you possibly repeat what meerkats eat please I went through a tunnel and lost reception And that's from Buzz No it's not

It's much appreciated Matty from Slough live maggots matty live maggots still wriggling there as the as the meerkats approach yeah i might try that maggot diet because it goes along with my theory of choosing foods i don't really like yeah well i kate used to sock maggots. When I went... He took me fishing a couple of times. He used to take a maggot out of the thing, sock it to make it more lively. Yeah, but that was in a tequila bottle.

Enjoy your breakfast, everyone. It's 9.10am. You know, that might be the first ever time check we've ever had on this programme. I'm quite... I've gone all emotional. It was lovely this is frank skinner

boys I think we need to talk about george george michael he's got himself into a little bit of trouble like frank spencer yeah yeah Yeah, he's another driving related. It's vehicular, as the cockerel would say. It is vehicular. It wasn't him at the wheel. No. I hadn't quite worked that out. He's on a ban.

To be honest... Oh, is he banned? Yes. I don't know if anyone had quite worked it out. I don't know if George knew, to be honest. I like I'm shocked that George Michael has got a driving ban. Yeah. Well... I'm shocked that George Michael has got a driving ban. Yes, it was a very interesting and very literal example of life in the fast lane.

He was lying in it, I think. In case you don't know, George allegedly, do we have to say allegedly or is it established now? I think it's established. He fell out of a car on the M1. We've all done it. He was trying to close the passenger door. Yeah, of a car on the M1. We've all done it. He was trying to close the passenger door. Yeah, of another car that was coming past. Yeah, trying

to close the car door and falling out. What about his seatbelt? Didn't that help? I don't think he... Hold it. Be very careful. I'm sure he was wearing one. There's a possibility that he wasn't,'s a responsible character news article what about what the son said scrape me up before you go slow i mean really yeah that's

lovely i find it i actually find it more acceptable than uh doing his new single at the olympic closing ceremony i think he's actually said i'm worried you, it's one of these cases where someone close to George needs to step in and say, George, you all right? Do you know that? I don't think he can be blamed for being in a car. I suppose he can for trying to do his own door. I don't really...

I'm not here to abortion blame. That's not my role. But I'm saying George is getting himself into a series of scrapes. I don't think anyone's going to argue with that. He literally got in a scrape. He scraped his tracksuit top, it said. Black and gold. Adidas. I love the fact that he was on a long journey in a tracksuit. It just made me think of me.

I was thinking, oh, he's probably had his belt on drive setting as well. You know, I loosen my belt off a notch. Sometimes you see Elton John. Oh, he loves the tracksuits? You'll wear like a white shell. Yeah. He's obviously flying somewhere or he's getting a long car journey.

I don't know if he is. I think he's trying to sweat off a pound or two. I drove to a tour date in my tracksuit the other day. Did you? It was lovely. It was a great feeling. I think George, though, I think he needs to realise he's not suited to driving long term.

There are some things in life. For example, I tried horse riding. No good, is it? No. Oh, lovely, Alan. Thank you. I don't like the beasts. So George needs to realise that.

He should try an alternative form of transport, walking. He could horse ride, couldn't he? He's got those lovely parks around Hampstead Heath. He could walk around there, for example. If you're having trouble with your horses, just get them a box of milk tray. I'll slow them down. But he wasn't driving.

No, he was a passenger. You don't want to be driving at night in mirrored aviators. It's not safe. The woman that sort of is taking quite a lot of the credit for saving him. It's the woman who drew her mini across the car. She reversed her mini to... Yeah, yeah. She drew her mini across and blocked him, shielded him, she said. She claimed in the paper that she could hear the crunch of his sunglasses

as other cars drove over them. I just... I'm not sure I believe that bit. I think that's... I found that very upsetting. I think she's colouring the answer. Don't mention that in front of Bob. He remembers the playing craft. It was yesterday.

Um, really? So she said. They say with Eddie Cochran, who was, uh, who, you know, Eddie Cochran was a sort of 50s rock and roller. Yeah, who were? Obviously Bob knows. Yeah. And Alan Cochran may have heard the name Eddie Cochran before in his life.

There was that possibility. That's true. He's without the E, though. I know. There wasn't much around in those days. Certainly not in Birmingham. But, sad, this is quite sad, actually, but he died in a car crash. When they found his body, he was reaching out for his guitar case.

Oh, no. It's sad, but brilliant as well. Yeah. Absolutely brilliant. Poignant moment on Absolute Radio. It was. I tell you what, on the motor in front, we mustn't forget there's another brilliant motor.

There's one of my favourite news photographs. Oh, the mayor? The mayor. I'm all over the mayor. We'll come back to the... This is not the mayor from America'm all over the mayor. We'll come back to the... This is not the mayor from America who's apparently taken crack. Oh, my God. I mean, what is it with these people?

Which people? They're good mayors. Mayors? You know, they get a bit of jewellery. They go crazy. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had a nice tweet.

Frank on the radio, one of the good points about being at work on a Saturday, Alan Cochran, one of my favourite comedians, is on there as well. I know it's praise, but credit where it's due. That's nice. I don't mind praise for others. It says, at Frank on the radio, it's due. That's nice. I don't mind praise for others. It says, at, thank on the radio. It's to you. Yeah, it's to me, but, you know,

it's telling me how good the other comedian is on the show. And I know that. Someone's texted in saying, you're a hoot, but normally speaking, we wouldn't read that. No. We've got to even it out. Where's my praise? Actually, I quite like, you're a hoot.

Oh, do you? As compliments go. Yes, it's quite Cockrell's mother. I once said it to Roy Hodson. He was very offended. What about the mayor, Frank? Oh, yes. Where is he the mayor of?

Well, he's called Terry Buckle, which I love. Yeah, that's a good job, the way he drives. Yeah, he had his seatbelt on. He wants to listen to his surname. Terry Buckle, and I didn't know the area. It was St Edmundsbury, actually. In Suffolk. Oh, Suffolk, okay.

More trouble in Suffolk. We had the sci-fi wars last week. And now... He drove his car into a Tesco Metro. Yeah, and what I loved about it... You know how people... There are some people who are very negative in life, and there I loved about it, you know how people, there are some people who are very negative in life and there's some people who try and make the best of a bad job.

The manager of the Tesco Metro said, luckily we have automatic doors, which opened as the car approached and it didn't do too much. I loved that the automatic doors opened for a car. He also described it as he had a slight mishap. That's very Frank Spencer. I think a slight mishap. That's very Frank Spencer. I think a slight mishap is more like you've sort of dribbled in your chinos a bit or something.

I don't think it's you've driven into a shop. A slight mishap is... It's quite a small door, isn't it? It didn't look like he'd lost control of an axe. I mean, I don't know quite why. I mean, I think in some boroughs, if you are mayor, you can drive into any retail outlet. Do you think he thought it was a drive-thru shop? Do you think it was like a new Tesco drive-thru?

But what is the explanation? Have you heard? There isn't one. It's one of the most frustrating news stories. His explanation was brilliant. His explanation was, oh, he didn't know there were automatic doors that would open. But why would you drive into the shop anyway? Perhaps he was just in a real rush, you know, with him being like a senior counsellor. I've got to get back and put the necklace on

and do some work. I only want a pint of milk, it's not worth getting out of the car. It's like he was driving into a spaceship. I quite like Terry Buckle, though. He's made my week. I think we should follow this story. I want to know what happened. It was a Tesco Express.

I mean, it couldn't be more express than it was driving in. I'm sensing a bit of a Channel 5, Mare's Gone Wild. Oh, that'd be wild. I'd love to see that show. With the crack cocaine, mate. Boris Johnson. Oh, yeah, it'd be brilliant. I'd love that.

They're not themed programmes about mares. I've said that. If I've said that once, I've said it a hundred... Anyway. Shall we get to our email call, then? I think we should. I can't be bothered with the jingle. Move on.

OK. Well, our first email is from Dr Simon Hoare. Ooh. There's no Dr David Banner, but it'll have to do. No, I like the sound of it so far hello all might be a bit late it takes a long time for things to reach new zealand oh a doctor from new zealand yeah it's getting more exotic as it goes on but i didn't want not a lot of double negatives there to mention that for a time i was a member of the British Sausage Appreciation Society. Oh, no, I should say. I've heard some

euphemisms. And what happened to you when I met this girl? I don't know. No, I... We were talking a couple of weeks ago about our... Joining. Yeah, our things that we were members of, fan clubs and stuff like that.

Yeah. I must say, that's a pretty good one. Yeah. He said it had a great badge or lapel pin, as it was called. I'm really hoping it was 3D. There's a sausage just... Oh, me too. It's just sticking straight out. Like a grain shale banger. He says, we should use lapel more often, I think.

Take up tailoring. Which, if memory serves me right, was a running sausage with a smiley face, but who was being impaled on a fork as he ran. God, there's a sausage making the best of a bad job. Smiling. Smiling as it's pierced. Wow.

And you're right though, that is the start of Grange Hill, isn't it? Yeah, they want to sue for that. Do you think he's got the What's the start of Grange Hill? There was a fork in a sausage You were on the Central Reservation. You won't remember. Oh, is that right?

It'll be on the YouTube. Because if I was going to do a sausage-themed badge, I'd go for a Cumberland. Oh, yeah. Because that wants to be a badge. You can have a revolving like a Catherine will. That's a thick one, though. I know, but it's in a natural circle.

Oh, yeah, you're right, actually. That's what I'd have gone for. We're still in the corner. The email corner. Email, listening to the Dean-led podcast in Melbourne, Australia. Oh, that was the one Emily did recently. Yeah, it's amazing what they can do now, isn't it? Melbourne, Australia.

I thought you were talking about my presenting skills. I thought you meant women. Presenting and everything. I just think the fact that the Dean-led podcast has reached Melbourne, Australia, it's the other side of the world. Anyway, I thought I might contribute to the lie pile. We discussed lies on that show, Frank. Did we? I don't know.

Actually, it began as my honesty compulsion, but lies on that show, Frank. Did we? I don't know. Actually, it began as My Honesty Compulsion, but it became a show about lies. Yeah, appropriately enough, with me at the helm. For years, I told people that Scatman John was my uncle. Oh, did we? That's the great thing about the internet, there's something for everybody. But I don't know.

Do you know who Scatman John was? I'm the Scatman... That was kind of how he sung. Do we have to payatman John was? No. The Scatman. Ba-di-ba-di-ba-di-ba-di. That was kind of how he sung. Do we have to pay the royalties on that? He scatted. Oh, sorry, Daisy. He did scatting, you know, Cleo Lane style. Yeah, she went...

Exactly. I'm the Scatman. Yeah. I've never heard of him. I'm sorry. It was in the hit parade. Yeah, sort of mid-90s, would you say, guys? I think he was a chart topper, yeah.

I always had a lot of work in the mid-90s. Of course, yeah. Now, obviously, I can listen to... You're right on top of the hip parade. For years I told people... Yeah, I was in the hip parade in the 90s, for God's sake. True enough, yeah. So then what does that say for Scatman John?

Perhaps he was at number two. So he was... I feel... You know, a woman... I went out with a woman many years ago, probably a long time ago. And we can tell how long ago it was. She wrote me a letter. Oh. And it said, oh, I went, I was out, blah, blah, blah. We went to see the Brothers Johnson.

And I wrote back, who's the Brothers Johnson? Because there was no search engines in those days. No. And she dumped me. Oh my God. Just goes to show it, you know, thank God for Wikipedia. It saved a lot of relationships. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Carry on. Well, we only got halfway through, didn't we, that last email? We got distracted by Scatman John, didn't we? Well, and travel. We have to keep the country rolling.

And music, indeed, yeah. Well, exactly. I thought I might contribute to the live pile. I hope George Michael was listening. For years I told people that Scatman John was my uncle and that his real name was Ian, but Scatman Ian didn't sound as good, so we changed it to John. I mean, that is true.

Scatman Ian just sounds a bit creepy, if anything, but Scatman John sounds like he could top the charts, doesn't he? Did he top the charts? I believe so. Was it Elton John's first sort of... his first flowering? I'm not sure it was his first flowering. I'm quite shocked you haven't

heard of Scatman John. It's the most shocking thing you've ever heard. If he hadn't met Bernie Taupin, and so he thought well I don't do lyrics but I've got a way around this. Yeah. You be part of

the pool I'm part of the pool Yeah. I'm doing French then instead of Scatty. It's alright it's a B-side isn't it?

Do that on a B-side everyone knows that. Ba ba ba ba ba ba boo ba ba but also I accidentally pressed the search engine. That was a Bing a Bing Elton mash-up and I liked it. It was. Ba-ba-ba-boo-ba-ba-boo-bee-ba-ba-ba-boo-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- I think he has. Really? Oh, no. I've Got a Feeling was one of his hits, wasn't it? No, that's somebody else.

No, I think it was I've Got a Shababa Bar Shababa. So he mostly made a living out of scatting in the 20th century. Yeah. Also did Cleo Lane. Or maybe that wasn't the 20th century. She didn't make a living out of it, for God's sake. I think that email took us 15 minutes to do. I love it

but I've made a new discovery I'm going to go back I'm going to put on what's it called I don't know Spotify and I'm going to seek out Scatman Ian frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio i need to talk to you about something i had one of my brief encounters recently lovely trevor howard no no but it's funny you should say

that okay because there was a trevor involved i was on the south bank i'm going to make this a bit police statement and i was with your cath actually frank and buzz arrived okay we had a lovely coffee they arrived separately he came later in a handsome cab did he go through the tunnel he had a limo driver george michael was trying to open the passenger door it was a nightmare um no buzz when he greeted me, did something amazing. He cried as soon as he saw me. He takes a while to, you know... No, normally he's all right.

But what he did was he cried, then he flirted, then he threw food at me, which I thought was my relationships in microcosm. But Kath and I went to this health food place because she likes her health, doesn't she, Kath? Yes, she does. Oh, she loves a healthy snack. She likes boiled things without yeah she's

when when cath orders yeah there's brackets yeah like i'd like the um dover salt can you do that without butter oil fish bones air i know she looks good on it though but um so we're sitting down and said, we're looking out the window. I said, oh, that's Trevor Nunn. She said, that's not Trevor Nunn. It's a lookalike. I said, you don't get lookalikes. They're not going to get much work, Trevor Nunn lookalikes. Exactly. Imagine him sitting by the phone.

It's the new National Theatre theme parties. Oh, Kath was convinced that is definitely a lookalike. I said, it's not a lookalike, Kath. They don't employ Trevor Nolte lookalikes. It could have been a blue toe from the Popeye cartoons. Well, the blackness of the beard. The blackness of the beard is not right. Is it not right, though?

Well, I was in a place called Pollock's, which is an old-fashioned tie shop. Oh, the tie museum. My parents used to take me there. Oh, well, they had those things. Do you remember those? It used to be a man's face, and you used to do all the hair with iron filings, with a magnet, you used to make it.

That's what Trevor Nunn looks like, he's been made out of. I mean, I have massive respect for him as a theatrical person, but he has got an iron filings beard. So do I have respect for him, and I said, oh, he's rather dashing actually, Kath, isn't he? I said, he's not bad, and Kath's quite keen for me to be with an arts and crafts type i think can i ask one question was he wearing a denim shirt of course he was it was him carrying a copy of the sunday time is relative values so kath said let's google him she's typing in trevor

nunn plus girlfriend okay we've decided he's the perfect man for me she says go over there he walked in we're staring at him so psychotically that he's walked perfect man for me. She says, go over there. He walked in. We're staring at him so psychotically that he's walked in now to the cafe. Right. He goes up to get a coffee. She says, get in that queue. Go and order a coffee.

So I go to order a coffee. She's going to me. She's going, speak to him. Speak to him. You know what? Can I make this a Doctor Who style cliffhanger from the old days? So the Dalek suddenly appears in the doorway.

cliffhanger from the old days. So the Dalek suddenly appears in the doorway. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. Do! Do that.

And you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the radio. And if you want to email us ask Jeeves. When we left the readers, I was in a cafe. You were approaching Trevor Nunn. Is he your sir or anything?

Is he Sir Trevor Nunn? Well, that makes me like him even more. I wish I'd known that. He must have some sort of honour, Trevor Nunn. Well, I was in a cafe with your Kath. Trevor Nunn was there. By this time, he's seated on a table next to us. Oh. Oh, he's positioned himself nearby.

He's closing in. He's gone adjacent. Sounds to me like he's stacking. Like they do at Heathrow. Oh. He's seen the landings to him and he's circling. How dare you? I was well...

I told you not to sit like that. I was fully clothed. Cath... It's very hard to say anything on this show without... Cath is frantically Googling because I just said, oh, he's a very cultured man, I like the look of him, and she seized on that.

She went, oh, OK. She said, right, he's 73. Well, that's not good, is it? Is he? Well... But she then decided... I had to try and get his attention. I said, oh, OK. She said, right, he's 73. Well, that's not good, is it? Is he? Well. But she then decided I had to try and get his attention. She decided this was fate, that he'd walked into the cafe and that he was interested in me. A man might have a girlfriend.

We don't even know that. Can I just say, if he's in show business and he's 73 online, that probably means he's 80 in real years. I wonder where that was going. If he's in show business, mine are only 73. It's just a miracle he's at large. Kath is getting desperate by this stage, because I'm rubbish in these situations.

She's much better. She says, I'm going to give Buzz some food. She got him to throw a banana near Trevor. I was the idea that Trevor would be drawn in by the eating baby. We get Buzz in. So she said, oh, Buzz always throws his food. He'll throw it on the floor. If I get him to throw it in that direction, then he'll have to go over.

Oh, good thinking. Buzz, who throws his food all the time, he wouldn't do it. He wouldn't do it on this occasion. So anyway... I don't want Trevor not leaving with a raisin in his ear. I mean, what about when he's giving notes? By this stage, he was reading relative values. Cass said, he's trying to impress you. I said i said he's not he's not trying to impress me his whole life isn't dedicated to

impressing me but you see by this stage i was concerned because he did date nancy delolio he did and i was worrying he had a type and i fitted into that venn diagram i'm sorry frank didn't he say that nancy delolio was the most intelligent woman he'd ever met oh great is that did he really say that i think he might i think he was quoted as saying that there was something i've got a very i think he was maybe he was just trying to get rid of all his female friends that would have done it wouldn't it so nothing happened he did leave eventually and kathy kept saying well he's going now he's going now he He's going now. So you didn't actually speak to him? We didn't.

He gave me a lingering look at the end. Did he give you a lingering look? So if he's listening, I'm actually doing this in case he's listening. Oh, he's bound to be an absolute radio listener, I'm sure of it. Well, I hope so. You never know. Maybe he couldn't get Radio 4 where he is in Norfolk. Three.

I bet he's on three. Yeah. I do think so. He's very three. He's very three. Yeah, he loves a bit of Nickelback. I bet he's listening. His beard is nearly Mumfordian, isn't it?

Oh, well. Yeah. Well, um... Call me, Trevor. Yeah. We'll go and see a show. Call you Trevor? Your treat.

Yeah, I mean, you'll get comps. Yeah, that's a good point. That's what I'm worried about. I mean, when's the last time Trevor Nunn paid for a theatre ticket? In fairness, when's the last time I paid for a theatre ticket? Well, exactly. But there you go. Two peas in a pod.

Yeah, well, I'd love that to happen. Surely, is he a sir? Sir Trevor Nunn sounds right to me. See, if you had approached him, you could have said, excuse me, sir, and he'd probably have turned around and went, MBA, actually, but thank you. Yeah, I'd like the idea of you pursuing... Well, Nunn's on the run.

Lovely. Oh, nice. Very good. Lovely. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in that I think is one of the finest puns we've had for a while. Did M say Sven Diagram?

You know, because Trevor Nunn dated Nancy Deloglio. Nancy Deloglio, the Venn Diagram. That is excellent. It works on so many levels. That's good, that. I've missed that. Quality work, Sven Diagram. That's really good.

Yeah. Well done, 398. Oh, they're impressed, aren't they, the listenership? Yeah, we'll probably find 398 is some major comedy writer. Do you think? Flexing their muscles. muscles if they're not they ought to be that's my advice to 398 on a saturday morning yeah someone waits for me um i feel like we need to speak about justin bieber again uh and it's happened before and it's only a matter of time before he's fallen out of his car on the motorway.

He's almost a friend of the show now. I'd like to think so. He's a bit like a frenemy of the show. I kind of feel like he's a young person we've took under our wing. Yeah. Have you seen my wing? He's hit the headlines for his wild behaviour, including tardiness and fighting with a paparazzo

but now apparently I love that, I love the singular of paparazzi, excellent work thank you, I was reading it it's on this story I didn't know the singular until now but apparently he makes visitors to his home sign a waiver saying that they won't reveal any of his top secrets, they won't say anything about his home,

they won't say anything about his... Who doesn't? Yeah, is that weird? I insist all my gentlemen callers do that. I would if I could afford the legal fees, but I don't. That's the only caveat that I've got for that. They have to sign an NDA, that's what they call it in the trade, isn't it? What's it called?

Non-disclosure agreement. Signed a few of those in my time. Have you? No, yeah. I once signed a quaver. By a mistake. That was a fan in Birmingham, to be fair, in their paper. Yeah, exactly. It's not easy with a sharpie. I've always said that.

That's what Pat Sharp's wife said. I have sympathy said that. Yeah. That's what Pat Sharp's wife said. I have sympathy with that. Do you? Yeah, me too. I think it's great. Because it's just going to... People, you know, every sort of bit of celebrity stuff is rife for gossip. Yeah.

People are going to say, no, here's Justin's couch. Well, I'd like to see Justin... Because it's going to be the combination of someone with loads of money with someone who's 19. Yeah. So that could be a fabulous combination, couldn't it? I bet his house looks basically like the set of Big. Do you remember the film Big?

Yeah, I do. Yeah, it'll be like that. Ask me what I remember. What is this? Some sort of test? This has never happened before. I'll be in a home next week and Alan will be in this chair. I'm afraid Frank wasn't up to it. He couldn't remember.

Do you remember Frank? He also said, Frank, on the waiver slash NDA, it said they're not allowed to mention anything to do with his physical health, philosophical, spiritual or other views or characteristics. I love that. Yeah. I'd love to know about his spiritual views. philosophical, spiritual, or other views or characteristics. I love that.

Yeah. I'd love to know about his spiritual views. I'd like to know his philosophical views. His philosophical, I think he's probably less Descartes and more Schopenhauer. He's more Plato, I think. You think? You think he's Plato? He's quite Socratic in his own way.

I don't know, the way he was nice about Anne Frank, I saw that as being Schopenhauer-like. There's something sort of morbid but uplifting. Yeah. Yeah? I kind of... Tune in next week for Absolute Philosophy. On the subject of privacy about his physical... What did it say, his physical being?

Yeah. I went for... I had a medical... I've had a few medicals just lately, but I had one for... If you do a TV show, you have to do a medical beforehand. Mm-hm. And so I had... It's a very... What it is, it's usually like a three-minute... I can't ask a question. Why has the producer got her head in her hands?

Because I've told her this story previously, and I said, don't worry, I'll never tell it on air. Oh, God. So I'm about to do a TV show, so I say, I'd have a medical. You stick your tongue out, say, ah, two minutes, you go. I think you told me this as well. Really? You're really doing this?

Yes. So, the doctor... Goodbye, everyone...who I'd never never met before it's been a good four years um he did what i what i believe is a hernia test oh god i so know where this is going yeah so he said right just can you just drop your trousers and pants i said so i slapped him across the i didn't you know What can you do? He was a doctor, as far as I could tell. Are you sure he was a doctor? Well, I could hear someone in the cupboard going,

Mmm! Mmm! Was he a doctor of philosophy, like Justin Bieber? Anyway, so he took me in a vice-like grip. Oh, my God. That seems too strong. And it was... Chapter 7, my autobiography. I thought for a bit too long, I thought. Lingering.

Yeah, it was a bit like this. It was the silence I couldn't cope with. I thought... Looking back, what I should have done is, during that moment, I should have looked him in the eyes and gone, Sometimes when we talk, the honest is too... should have done is during that moment i should have looked him in the eyes and gone sometimes the honest but he might have said i'm gonna hold you till i die till we both break down and cry and the pair of us could have gone i'm gonna hold you till the fear in me subsides.

It would have been a beautiful moment. But it was... I can't get it out of my mind. Nor can I. I think it was the fact we both had a suit and tie on was one of the problems. It was like a civil partnership ceremony that had got out of hand. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Bieber.

Well, we were talking about Bieber, then we had that extraordinary segue into your medical. I haven't told you, the postscript. When he finally let go... Did he say, you've got postscripts? No. He stood back. You know when one's done a good job,

you like to stand back and admire it. An assessment. Like a painted fence. You've creosoted. Had you? He stood back and he looked at... Oh, God. His work.

His handiwork. He looked at my gentleman's excuse me and for about, I'd say, 40 seconds. That's too long. Yeah, and that's what he said. He didn't. He said... I thought you're not diagnosing you're memorizing that's what

you're doing you're thinking celebrity anecdote and that's why i agree with justin bieber for asking people to sign away for when they go to his house he does say one of the clauses is you should not participate there may be activities which are potentially hazardous and you should not participate unless you are medically able or trained. That's a good point. Well, I think he's borrowed that clause off George Michael, maybe. Or he could just have a basketball hoop

or something. I think it's a bit more hoist nightclub. Now, there was an incident with the monkey as well. Well, that's the thing. He's got a seven bedroom house, hasn't he, Justin B? What's a 19 year old need a seven bedroom house for? Well, he's the thing, isn't it? He's got a seven-bedroom house, hasn't he, Justin? What's a 19-year-old need a seven-bedroom house for? Well, he's got a monkey, so that's one gone. I think he keeps dwarves.

You think so? Where does he sleep? Oh, no, he's in with one. Well, he doesn't sleep. He wanders around. Like Florence Nightingale. They can't sleep. Their eyes never leave the door handle with tension. In comes Justin with the candle. Anyway, yes, he's got a lot of... So, Mally has been...

Well, he's been handed over... Mally's the monkey. We can't just bring Mally in by name. No, I mentioned Mally in previous dispatches. Oh, did you? I'm terrible. You were too busy talking about the dwarves. Is it Capuchin? Is it Capuchin monkey? Capuchin.

They're yellow, aren't they? I've had a coffee, thanks. They're the ones with the whiskers, aren't they? Oh, dear. You boys are making me laugh today. So, Mally, he had the monkey, and now it's had to be handed over to the authorities, sadly. He couldn't get it through the airport, is the thing, isn't it? He couldn't get the proper papers, and the Germans, you've got to have your papers. I'm glad the Germans are still asking for even monkeys.

How's your paper? Do you think someone said, paper, please? I really hope so. Kill him. Oh, how wonderful. So, yeah, he needs to get a more run-of-the-mill pet because now he's lost Mally. No, what he needs to get is some good staff

because he had something like two weeks... Don't you love the celebrity perspective on life? Yeah. No, but he had two weeks to get Mally's particulars to the Germans. Oh, my God. Just like into that doctor. That is a ruthless policy.

I know. And, um... He had to send him his particulars. Yeah. Oh, my God. George Michael shot him in the car door. They're no good to him. Um, and so, um, why didn't one of his...

Why hasn't he got a PA who can send Mally's paperwork to the Germans? You'd think he would. Maybe he thinks he's too young for a PA. You know what? I think he's bored with Mally. He was glad to get rid of him. Yeah. Sounds like it, yeah.

He needs to get a nice, something more manageable as a pet. Like a slug or something. A pet slug would definitely be manageable, yeah. Yeah. A meerkat, maybe. Yeah. If he's got one he's like for maggots. I don't know.

No, I don't like the idea of people having monkeys and just leaving them at the airport. No. That's wrong. No. He's losing me. I'm warning him now. I've stuck up for him on this show,

based mainly on his physical beauty. But I will not have him mistreating a simian of any kind. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I love a law-breaking pensioner. One of my favourite things. Is this a Trevor Nunn story? No, it's a book of Wayne Rooney. So have you read about 86-year-old Diana Smart, I believe she's called?

You know what? I have read about her. Have you? Yeah. Well, we should say she was visited by three police officers, and her crime, Frank Skinner? Is that she is... I'm interested in this because my girlfriend hails from Gloucestershire, at least she grew up there.

And there's a thing I love in Gloucestershire, they at least she grew up there. And there's a thing I love in Gloucestershire, they roll big cheeses down a hill and people run after them. A very steep hill, they run after them. Yeah. And there's quite a lot of injuries. When we say big cheeses, we don't mean the bottom of Absolute Radio.

No, no, no. And this lady turns out, it's a tradition that's been going on for a while. And this lady, she makes the big che tradition that's been going on for a while. And this lady, she makes the big cheeses, these big double glosters that roll down the hill. I mean, massive. Seven pound. Cheese wheels, I think they call them.

Yeah. And you have three policemen. Turned up. I mean. They told her to cease and desist. Did they? Yeah. I hope they actually used those words. She said, and I don't know if this is intentional,

but I love that granny. She said, it's crackers. Yeah, I wonder. Do you think the son made that up? I wonder if that was intentional or not. I love a granny with material. It was for health and safety. Yeah, yeah.

And health and safety. I like the fact that the two words, health and safety, which are really quite noble words, have become things that are despised now. I don't mind a bit of health, and I'm all right with safety. I will not tolerate them in tandem. I spoke to a lady this week who told me that she'd had a children's party where they'd played stick the wheel stick the tail on the donkey because she can't you can't have pin the wheel on the donkey anymore

or so because of velcro or blue tack or blue tack that they're using as well because you can't have a pin in the vicinity of children oh I loved a drawing pin as a child sometimes you know I've never ever played pin the tail on the donkey. Haven't you? That's something... You know when they say on your deathbed, you more regret what you didn't do than what you did? I think that's going to be my big one.

You think so? You think that'll catch up with you? I do. When you look at all the things you have done? Yeah, but when I think, oh, I bet that would have been great, blindfolded and, you know... Well, never say never. You know, you might have...

Well, it's gone now. Health and safety. I think adults are allowedjack's not the same. I think adults are allowed to play with the pin. Are they? If they choose, yeah. Well, give me an age range. OK.

I can still work you out. Good pronunciation of adult. I thought you were... Sounds a bit like a film classification, if you know what I mean. Can I just say that on this story of the police visiting this woman and telling her not to sell them a cheese,

I'm going to file this under stories I don't believe. Don't you? Because I don't think that happened. Are you the doubting Thomas in the studio? Yeah, I just don't think that the police are going there and saying you're not allowed to sell a cheese to some people in case they chase it down a hill. No, I think it makes sense.

He's got old Jeremy Kyle. Come on, mate. Yeah, I think it makes sense. I think she's fibbing. He's got old Jeremy Kyle. Come on, mate. Yeah, he's going to lie down. Couchon. I don't want to say... It's one thing lecturing the poor, but don't do it couchon.

Let them stand. Be rampant. Not couchon, ever. I'll stand again if the cramp stick... He lies like some naked model. Still, right? And tells them off. I mean, that's wrong.

In my opinion. And relax. Can we return to email corner, please, Frank? Okay, do you want the... Jingle, why not? Hang on, have we not finished disbelieving about that cheese woman. So, she's 86. I reckon three male relatives visited her wearing blue

and now she thinks the police have told her she's not allowed to, honestly. This woman is a local cheese manufacturer. You're going to say she's a national treasure. No, she's probably a local one. You're treating this as some sort of you-say-we-pay scandal. When I saw the headline, Cheese Wheel Ban,

I honestly thought, oh no, it's George Michael. He's been munching on a truckload of stilton whilst driving on the M6 or something. I think it did happen. That's the way this country's going. It's going for East Germany. It's like when they say in the Daily Mail comments you couldn't make it up.

You could, they did. No, but Daily Mail comments is a very good example of the way it's going East Germany. You know all these people that when they looked at their files when the war came down and found that people were just saying terrible things about them behind their backs. This is the readers' comments generation. I like a regional

event though Frank. I went to the I used to go to them a lot when I was younger. Cornworthy Piggy Roast. Loved that. That sounds nice. Cornworthy Piggy Roast. That was in Devon. I met a boy from Harrow. I pulled a boy. He was about 13. I said the school. He said no the area. That actually

happened. He said Harrow. He said the school. I said, the school. He said, no, the area. That actually happened. A harrow. He said, a harrow. He said, the school. He said, no, the area. So you pulled at a piggy roast. Yes. Excellent.

Medieval fair I went to once. I like a fair with a Y in it. Yeah. Don't you? Like a brewer's fair. Or a craft fair. A pub. I'm not very good at a craft fair.

My parents drunk mead and smoked a lot. It was good fun. Well, I've always been interested in this regional event of... Have you heard of Irish road bowling? No. No. What they do is they get a big heavy metal ball. It weighs about... I'd say about a kilogram.

And they have to throw it down the road for about two miles. So when it stops, they walk up to it and throw it again. Two of them often go, one bloke offers advice. Right? They call him the shower. Oh, really? Like a caddy? Yeah, and then when they get... It's the one who's got the distance with the least amount of throws. Remember an Irish guy told me about it,

walking around just chucking a big metal ball. Brilliant. A way to kill an afternoon. Yeah, you can keep your Champions League final. I think it sounds brilliant. So I do like that. And that's the thing about the cheese roll, isn't it? It's a bit unusual.

It's not corporate. So I think the secret police are probably out picking on the old cheese loader. Alan won't have it. He's not buying. Well, let's face it, Alan's never buying. Yeah, Alan's one of those people who would say, look, you know, at least they make the trains run on time. And then the next thing you know, we're all in trouble.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, Simon, bad news for you, Mr Cockrell. What? The cheese rolling thing was a main item on the BBC News this morning. It doesn't make it true.

With interviews with Plod, Old Lady and her son. So if you've not been fooled, then you're doing better than them. Yeah, this is like the speed camera thing all over again. That's Simon and Hackney, or Simon Hackney. I like Old Lady, I speak of her name. Capital R, capital. Do you remember that? What was the name of that Japanese betting show that used to be on 4?

Banzai. Banzai. What was the name of that Japanese betting show that used to be on 4? Oh, yes. Banzai. Banzai. Very good. And there was one where Fish, the Scottish singer. Yeah. What band's he from, Fish? Meridian.

So Fish had to drink, I think it was something like a pint of beer, before this old lady on a stairlift could drink a glass of sherry or something like that. And it kept cutting from one to the other and the voice almost went FISHMAN! ALREADY! FISHMAN! It was one of the most exciting things I've ever seen on television and she won.

I took that programme off, it was great. I don't know. Times change. I suppose that's it. As I did the impression I thought, is this alright? So maybe times have changed. But it was great in its day. We didn't know any better. Yeah, every dog has

its day on telly. Yes. So I'm just thinking back to mine. We had another email in during the week. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan With regards to the sci-fi bus stop That we were discussing last week Bus stop? Trekkies v. Whovians

It was Star Wars vs. Whovians Sci-fi bus stop Do you remember the fights Where people catch buses for sci-fi events No not bus stop Oh Both of your regional accents Are landing you in hot water people catch bosses for sci-fi events? No, not Bus Stop. Oh, Bust Up. Both of your regional accents

are landing you in hot water. When regional accents collide would be a great Channel 5 one-off show with some harrowing clips. Harrow the area. Harrow. With regards to the sci-fi Bust Up, there's a classic photo of me from the

90s in a full purple wizard's outfit, including pointy hat, robes, etc., explaining to the arriving riot police that no, there's not a knife fight going on down the village street, it's just us fantasy live role players. Brilliant. That's from Paul Wilder. That's a classic photo from the 90s. There's a classic photo of me from the 90s wearing a tennis skirt and scratching my bottom. There's a classic photo of me from the 90s, but I'd rather not talk about it. There's a classic photo of me from the 90s. And I'm... Probably with David Baddiel, in fairness.

I'm probably, yeah, in a football shirt, punching the air, looking really, really excited. With Tony the Tiger in the background, maybe? Yeah, breathing in really hard, trying to hold back my terrible stomach. But, you know, there were golden days and it's a lovely, lovely flat. OK, so that's about all from us.

Thank you so much for listening, for all your texts and emails and just love coming through the speakers as sally burko used to say now um we um if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out this is frank Skinner Absolute Radio.