The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Birthday

Episode Date: January 26, 2013

This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us today. Good morning. Good morning, Steve. Anyone who would like to be part of the show in an interactive fashion can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. Now, listen, I'll begin by saying it's my birthday on Monday. I had to Wikipedia your birthday just to check I had the date right. Isn't that handy, you see?

Do you know, I was so grateful for your fame in that brief moment. A little tip for people listening at home, get celebrity friends. You'll never miss a birthday. But then I've been bought a bin, a waste bin, by Emily. And when you put your... I won't say what it looks like, but when you put your foot on it and it opens, it goes like this.

And when you close it... Yes, it's a chemical toilet. I bought it at Glastonbury last year. Oh, well, you could have emptied it. Hello. No, it's the TARDIS. I've already... It's not my birthday yet. I'm already the owner of a TARDIS waste bin. I'm very happy with that. I'm worried about Kath hearing this at home, no, it's, um, it's the TARDIS. I've already, it's not my birthday yet, I'm already the owner of a TARDIS waste bin.

I'm very happy with that. I'm worried about Kath hearing this at home, though, and thinking, oh, God, what a TARDIS dustbin. I love it in my workplace. It does fit a surprising amount more rubbish in it than you'd expect as well. Exactly. Yeah, good for the recycles. There was actually one of those dustbin vans

loading into that tiny bin. It's amazing. So, we're off. And also I got a voucher for my favourite thing ever, a book voucher I got from the radio team. And I tell you what, a little tricky thing this, because it's not a paper book voucher, it's a kind of a plastic card.

So I don't know how much is on it. What about if I'm thinking it's going to be at least a tonne? So I'll go into the shop and spend like there's no tomorrow and they'll say no, this is £4. Can I say I love your use of tonne, Frank. Very 1960s motorcycle gang. Oh, OK. I like that.

Can I send it to Daisy just for £25 on a piece of paper and hand it to me? It's only £25. That's dragging me right handed it to me. It's only £25. It's dragged me right down. I'm broken Britain. It's not the thing you want to hear at this stage in the show. You know what I mean? When you're working with talent, you need to keep up, up, up, up.

Don't drag them down early. That's probably a high street retailer who had brief hopes they weren't going to go under. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's £25 voucher for Jessops. What's 25 on the street, then? I know a monkey and a pony. Oh, I don't know what 25... Steve, you're quite up on the street talk.

Is it not a monkey? I thought 25 was a monkey. Oh, OK. No, I think a monkey's 500 quid, isn't it? Oh, lovely. So what's a pony, then? Oh, no, maybe, I don't know. That's a baby horse.

It'd be good if someone just tunes in now and I think, well, I think we'll do this new guy. He doesn't know what a pony is. But financially, I don't know what a pony is. They'll text us in. Yeah, there'll be some Cockney spivs. Yeah, all the cray denominations would be handed. There'll be some people who Spivs. Yeah, all the Cray denominations would be handed. There'll be some people who work on the black market.

This is in the theme tune to Only Fools and Horses, isn't it? Stick a pony in my pocket. Oh, OK. So maybe Ronnie Hazlehurst could text in. I can stick a pony in my TARDIS waistband. Easy. The other thing I did today, which apparently you're not supposed to do when you get birthday presents,

is I'd try and guess what every present was. That was mortificado when you did that. It was awful. Yeah, because I always aim high. Yes. So I say things like, come on, a solid gold goblet. Oh, it's a mug. It was like that.

You were a potential sort of Derren Brown of disappointment in that moment. It was. I was seeing all the wrong things. Oh, an original Gutenberg Bible. First series of Merlin. Actually, I was very excited about getting the first series of Merlin. I'm going to work my way through the whole... Do you like Merlin, Stevie? I was only aware of it having listened to this show

and hearing of your affection for it. Yes, you and quite a number of other people. Well, you say that, but the man who plays Merlin won the National Television Award, as voted for by the British public. And I think, as we all know it, Miliband learns his lessons from the greatest teacher of all the British public.

Frank, monkey, 250 quid, pony, 500. That's from Will. OK okay is that someone selling animals because i think you'll find that a monkey is for life not just for a birthday in fact they're not even for life because what happens is the chimpanzees they get a bit long haired and shaggy and become violent elvis presley they had to lock his chimpanzee in a room and then get someone professional in to come and kill it. Now Jimmy Luciano is saying a pony's 25. And I trust

a man called Jimmy Luciano when it comes to finances. I doubt he's paid taxes for some years. Perhaps that's a sale price. That's HMV. Oh dear, we've shot down all the poor businesses that's gone down south. There's another one.

Who else went down this year? There's three biggies. Blockbuster. Yeah, Blockbuster, they went as well. I never did take that Back to the Future VHS back. Things are looking good. Tanya Snuggs went to the National Television Awards. Do you know Tanya, Steve?

I'm not familiar with Tanya Snuggs. Tanya Snuggs, leader. She'll be in in a minute, so don't lay into her name now. She's our newsreader and general showbiz correspondent. Right. She's currently preparing, actually, for the London Marathon. Yes. Is it Snugs or Snogs?

Snogs. Snogs. She may well snog, but I don't know. Oh, Steve. I don't go to the absolute away days. But I've heard tales. But she actually met the actor who plays King Arthur in Merlin, and this was what he had to say. Now, Frank Skinner, one of our presenters, and obviously a comedian...

That's not him. You told me about Frank. Are you about to say that he's watched the show? He's a massive fan. I've been told this. I was honoured that that was the case. And, yeah, I was told this by various friends who listen to Frank. And any message, any special message for Frank? I've been an admirer of Frank for a long time. I think we all have in this country.

He's a national treasure, so keep... We'll leave it there. National treasure. That's really awesome. Can I say what I love about Merlin? I don't wish to patronise. Well, yes, I do. But I like the fact that it's like Ewan McGregor saying,

yes, I heard he saw that film I was in. Yes. He knows that you watch it. Well, it's very nice. Getting a compliment out of King Arthur is as difficult as getting a sword from a stone. Well, exactly. And also, he is a legend.

No, but I mean he is a legend. No, I was very pleased about that. Oh, how lovely. It's the little things in life. I'm getting it all out today. What about this? How about this for a tribute? This is a stress ball I was sent years ago, right?

Yeah. And I'm squeezing it today as a tribute, right? Listen to this. Calm down, dear. Calm down, dear. Oh. Yeah. That's lovely.

That's nice. Yeah, but it used to relax me, and now it makes me think of mortality. Aww. Yeah. That's lovely. That's nice. Yeah, but it used to relax me and now it makes me think of mortality. Oh. Well, it's a good thing you weren't invited to his funeral

and then felt the need to bring that as a prop. Well, he'd have loved that. Come on. He would have. Whether his grieving relatives would have. I spent quite a few dues

with Michael Winner. I have to say. Did you? He was rattling good company. He said to me once, I was wearing the Two Bowlers badge for the Sons of the Desert, you know, the Laurel and Hardy fan club. Oh, yes. And he said to me, do you like them, Laurel and Hardy, Frank?

And I said, I do. He said, oh, you should phone Marlon Brando. And I thought, well... I've got David Baddiel's number. OK, he'll let Marlon. Will that do? He'll let Marlon's. Yeah, oh, yeah. and I thought well I've got David Baddiel's number you love Marlins I always admired the footage of him against Little John

yes you're very proud of him is that Little John from Robin Hood yeah Little John from Robin Hood he was in the Michael Pryad series Michael Wiener. I think he was the sheriff of Nottingham's second assistant.

Yes, I remember. He was marvellous. But I think we should play it specially for him today, actually, because he's a bit of a ledge, I think. What about this, then? I think I can combine the two, actually. Are you going to get the TARDIS and the stress ball out? No, no, it's stress ball.

This works, I think, doesn't it? Calm down, dear. Calm down, dear. Oh, hold on. Calm down, dear. Calm down, dear. That would have worked well if my producer had put the switch back up. She's having a mess. Calm down, dear. Calm down, dear. There you go, the calm down, dear hunter.

I'm throwing it all in tonight. Oh, Frank. You know, I'm in birthday mood. You can't see at home, but I'm wearing... I've got paper hat, I've got balloons. I've got pig-eyed! I've got paper hat, I've got balloons, I've got pig eyes, I've got all pig eyes. I'll calm down in a minute, Steve, and we can do a radio show. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

When can we have the cake, Frank? You can have the cake whenever you like. I should say that the management at Absolute brought me some lovely cupcakes for my birthday, but do tuck in. Have we heard from the outside world yet? We have. We've just been tweeted by Nathan Churcher. I think you'd get on with him.

Yes. He says, Happy birthday for Monday, Mr Radio, from a long-time listener. Hashtag minimal praise. That's what we like. Very good hashtag. I've built a career on that. And we've had some clarification on the financial front.

I was going to say claret. So that's very bad research by that gift chooser. Clarification on the money front. And he may... Let's not mention that on air. Well, we're getting paid for this show. Steve's been on about this all week, apparently. I'm a bit confused.

I had to pay to be here. I think that's fair. This is about the ponies and monkeys. Exactly. James Hollington. Holler out to Hollington. He's clarified it. In the world of Hollington, 20 quid is a score, 25 is a pony, 50 is a bullseye, 100 is a tonne, and 500 is a monkey.

Yes, I said 500 was a monkey. You did, darling. I remember doing the joke on, I used to have a chat show in the old days, Steve, when you were still at school. Oh, God. I'm 36, Frank. Yeah, I said when you were still at school. Just FYI, Steve, no one mentions ages on this show. Yes.

Okay, thank you. Let's leave it there. Oh, no, I'll tell you my age. I mean, you were at school. Just FYI, Steve, no-one mentions ages on this show. OK, thank you. Let's leave it there. Oh, no, I'll tell you my age and then it's your turn. So I don't know if you remember this, but Sir Alex Ferguson, the manager of Manchester United FC... Lovely looker. ..he got involved in a bit of a dispute with some horse racing types about a horse called Rock of Gibraltar.

And apparently they'd said, oh, you can have half the horse or whatever I don't mean to eat, it wasn't a it wasn't that story, I hadn't broke then but he he was supposed to get, and then there was a dispute that he wasn't getting what he was promised and all that, and

and the joke was oh, Rock of Gibraltar, I'd have a monkey on that well I loved it. I thought it was one of the best jokes ever. So, obviously, a lot of you will know Steve Hall from his solo work and his work with We Are Clang. And also, I think it's true to say

you're the brains behind Russell Howard's news. Yeah, I'm happy to have that on the record. Yeah, that's fair enough. But who are you, Steve? Well, that's a long, long thing to discuss. I was briefly on here in the summer when you were on your house. Yeah, I heard it. Because I share a flat whenever possible during the Edinburgh Festival with the Cockerel. Yeah.

So we've shared an Edinburgh flat, I think, five times. No one puts a cockerel in the hall. No. Not as I've tried. I hope not on that holiday. Those Edinburgh nights can get very lonely. Oh, God, that's true. But he's a gruff Yorkshireman.

There are lines he's not prepared to cross. He is a gruff Yorkshireman. But so, yeah, now you actually live, I think, in my old manor. I lived for a long time. I lived on the exact street that you that you used to live on, which is and it was someone from our mutual management company that betrayed this fact, which is both interesting for me to know and massive data protection disaster on their account. And when you walk down there, did you do that song from My Fair Lady about the street where you live? Oh, Freddie's song, I love that. Is that I Have Often Walked Down?

Yeah, that one, yeah. I'll be honest, I'm not, My Fair Lady's slightly out of my ken. Oh, okay, fair enough. It's awkward. Did you used to live at number one? Oh my god, he knows so much, this is freaky.

We're talking, can I name the road? England's Lane. Number five, I was at. Oh, you lived at number five, right. And David Baddiel was at number three. Hang on, where was Vialli? Wasn't he involved in this somehow? No, no, he tried to buy the house before me, Vialli, and I beat him.

Oh. So, yeah. But on that road, there was me, David Baddiel. David Walliams. No, not David Walliams. It was later. Bjork's producer and just around the corner,

Noel Gallagher. It was essentially, it was 90s themed, the whole area. It was like a 90s night. But it was all day. Because now, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton...

Oh, she lived... Yes. So they didn't buy your old house or anything? No, no, no. I used to go to the gym in those days. Oh, no. To spring health? Is that what it's called, Matt? Just around the... Yes, I used to go there.

I remember once I was doing my stretching. There was three... There was me on one mat, and the next mat was Michael Palin. And then next to him, Eleanor Bonham Carter. Not on a mat, obviously, on a cloak of raven feathers. But, yeah,

so I used to, she, I mean, she looks very different in gym gear. You think of her in fabulous black gowns. You always worry, because you occasionally see a few different celebrities around. I think Jeremy Edwards from Casualty, I think he's around there as well. Whenever you see her, you briefly think you've seen the ghost of a chimney sweep. Yes.

And then your brain works out that it's her. Yeah. I did once pluck up the courage to actually say hello to her. We sort of did that thing that, if I may use the word, celebrities sometimes do, you make eye contact, you think, well, we should speak, we're of the brotherhood. And I said, nice hat.

Turned out to be a hair. No, no, she was wearing a nice hat and she was actually very sweet. I think she is approachable. Well, now that I've got, I feel like I've been given licence to now. Yeah, try it. I think she's a bit less gothic and terrifying

than you might imagine. But I always imagine there's a lot of hair on the upholstery in their house with her and Tim. Oh. You know that people have a big dog at home? There's all these hairs about. Just got goths in love. Oh, try living with Phil Spector.

It's not a good idea. I have tried living with Phil Spector. And I not a good idea. I have tried living with Phil Spector. And I would say that to know him is to love him. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Steve's, not our Steve, but an alternative Steve, says, if you're down with the youth, a 50 is now a McGarrett

as in 5-0 Oh Steve McGarrett, Hawaii 5-0 Jack Lord They actually have a Jack Lord day on Hawaii, it's like a national holiday because they figure that he sort of put Hawaii on the map Surely the Lord's day is just Sunday

No this is Jack Lord's day The Jack Sunday. No, this is Jack Lord's Day. Yeah, they have to... Jack has to be in bold capitals. I like the idea that he put Hawaii on the map. Is he some sort of cartographer? So, anyway, we... Oh, I've got an itch now.

Where is the itch? It's something all the while. Why are you going with it? I'm getting a ponytail in the small of the back as you do as you get older. A ponytail, that's a tail that's worth £25. Exactly. By the way, I always remember that Michael Palin at the gym, one of the things that really disappointed me was that he had a Gola sports bag.

Oh, yeah. I really wanted him to have, like, a leather box suitcase with travel stickers. Yeah, exactly. My heart Lagos. A big balloon should have landed. Yeah, and maybe Pan Am accreditation in the top pocket. But no, turns out he must be some sort of faker. So, look, speaking of show business,

I did a show on Monday night called It's Not What You Know. Are you familiar with it, Steve? It's a Radio 4. No, I'm not familiar. It's hosted by Miles Jopp. You must know him. He's great. Yes. He's lovely. Actually, the inventor from Balamori.

Yes, of course. And it's based on the idea along along the lines of Mr and Mrs, although not so along the lines that they could be done on a rights charge. But I'd like to point that out. And I think, as I may have said on this show before, I've got terrible previous with Mr and Mrs. Did I ever tell you that story? No.

Well. Oh, my God, I feel ill. I went camping in my youth, this is, and I managed to get friendly with the woman who, that night... I don't like the sound of get friendly. I do not like the sound of get friendly. It's not breakfast television, don't kid yourself, Frank. Alan Jones?

Alan Jones is... Thank God I've got widescreen. I don't want to lose his ears. The aspect ratio on his face is incorrect. That needs sorting out. But anyway, he... You got friendly with the lady. Yeah, I got friendly with her.

And I don't want to brag now, but she was, that night on the campsite, she had come second in the, no, no. She, no. Well, yes. She had come second in the Miss Lovely Legs competition. This is a

real thing that happened to you. Yes. Extraordinary. Yes. And had that been the thing that had made you decide to go for her? Well, I mean... You thought you don't want to weigh him too high for number one. You know, we're all, you know, we're all impressed by the sparkle of limelight, I think. And I did think, you know, second in lovely legs.

Anyway, we danced the night away. And then we had what I would call, for the sake of decency, let's describe it as a moonlit liaison. It was, you know, it was summer. And anyway, the next morning I went home and that was, it was, you know, it was a brief. Oh, that was nice of you. Well, yeah, I hadn't planned to, but I felt sick. No, I didn't. I was so ashamed.

No, I went home and I didn't really think, well, I wouldn't say I didn't think any more about it. But anyway, years later, I mean like ten years later, I was watching Mr and Mrs. Oh, yeah. This was the old Mr and Mrs, the bloke called Derek Batey. Derek Batey. It was a fabulously bouffant hairstyle. And it was also, his idea of comedy is if someone come on from Yorkshire,

they'd start going, oh, you're from Yorkshire, are you? Are you from Yorkshire? Oh, are you? Oh, great. Lovely York. And then someone from Wales, and they'd go, oh, you're from Wales. That was his, that was him. That was his act.

Casual racism. Yeah, sort of regionalism. Yeah. Casual racism. Yeah, sort of regionalism. Anyway, this woman came on with a much older husband, if I may say so. Not that there's anything wrong with that, in case there's any trophy wives listening. But I recognised her as the woman from the Moonlit Liaison. And anyway, she had to... it's a terrible thing she had to um say show some shoes that she was

showing a photograph of some 70s shoes and she had to identify which one her husband um her decrepit old husband would choose oh which he'd like best and she got it wrong oh and um and he said derrick batey said no no that that's wrong you know and she said oh no i actually i meant that one those are the ones i meant the one he went no no no he was quite strict no no no come on and i thought you know she she was like fighting over 40 quid on television. And it was that same woman. There are other bits to this story, but I'll probably tell you all for brunch. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, why have I brought up Mr and Mrs, you ask yourself? Well, because the show... What happened was that Emily was interviewed about me to some extent. Not by the authorities. No. I hasten to add. Let's get that out of the way. It wasn't the authorities.

No. And then I had to guess what you'd said about me, I think. And then I had to guess what you liked. We shouldn't give away the content of the show because I don't want to pre-empt. But it was... You don't know your friends as well as you think you know them. As the Miss Lovely Legs story testifies to.

Exactly. Ah, yes, I do miss lovely legs So we were at the show Have you done much Radio 4? I've done a small amount of Radio 4 There's something very sort of cosy about doing

a Radio 4. I think I was the most common person that had ever been in there. Not you Because, oh, was there someone else? Because, but Frank, I'm a bit, I have to fess up. I went to see it with Daisy, the producer. And when I sat in, I thought, well, I know I'm going to watch Frank, but I didn't want to be in your eye line, Judy Murray style. I didn't want to put you off.

No. So Daisy and I positioned ourselves. We'd smuggled some wine in as well. Daisy got the wine. When you said Judy Murray, oh, you mean Andy Morris? Yeah, Andy Morris' mother. Yeah, but she's in Friends and Relatives, isn't she? That's the only place she can go.

I tried to create a sort of Friends and Relatives VIP section. Oh, OK. I wanted some status. Daisy brought some wine in. People looked, but they were too scared to say no. I should think it's all right at Radio 4, isn't it? She brought red wine in. More of a nerve tonic.

She was clanking around in the bag. Sonatogen. I imagine that's how the staff get through a lot of the days, don't they? But I had an incident, Frank. There was a lady in a sweatshirt showing people to their rows in quite a Radio 4 way. I don't like a lady in a sweatshirt, especially if it's branded with the musical Cats.

I think it might have had Cats. Oh, no, no. Possibly Five Guys Named Moe, I'm not sure. I can cope with that. OK. Because at least it suggests they're not racist. But I think that if ever I see anyone with any sort of Cats merchandise,

I'm on edge. OK, well, I don't think you'd have liked her because we were seated and she turned round to me and she said, can you let these people sit down, please? Well, what were you doing, lying across straight chairs? The tone was to imply that we previously kind of refused the request, which we hadn't. Who does she think she is?

So I said, we're not stopping them. Oh, did you? Yes. Daisy looked aghast. She looked like, you know when you're in a shop and your mum takes something back? That was her face. It was very awkward. See, what you could have done, you could have done that thing, you know when people are a bit

snappy like that, and you go, oh, meow, and she'd have gone, oh, you're a fan. And you'd have been you'd have been in with her straight away but we made friends as well there was a lovely man um ishi hello but he works in bedding in the leading department it works in bedding yes okay do you mean he's an escort no he genuinely works in bedding he's bacteria um okay you don't often meet a man in bedding but um how did you feel did you enjoy it frank yeah yeah i did enjoy it actually uh but the produce one of these cases the producer came in and he was very young you know they get younger

but he was wearing what we used to call in the um i don't know, be the 70s or early 80s, a soul belt. Oh. Do you remember a soul belt? It was one of those. It's a belt where the last seven or eight inches of it hang downward. I know it well. Yeah. Is this a Starsky and Hutch?

Is that what it would be? Is it a David soul belt? No, no. I don't know why it was called a soul belt Soul music Maybe it was to do with northern soul or something like that But I've always thought it's a bit Male, if you know what I mean

Having this length of belt hanging And I said to him, I said Oh, I've never been partial to those soul belts Because I've always associated They are like the, you know The last hurrah of the codpiece. And... I thought you looked lovely, actually.

It was an excellent film. Lovely dress. Yeah, it was, yeah. It was better than the two previous codpiece... The trilogy. The codpiece trilogy. And it's a sort of a... Well don't like it it looks like a let's let's clean it up it looks like a dead swan if you got a dead swan tucked in your in your pants

and um but because he was a young man he got a bit blushy about me discussing it in front of the other guests and stuff like that and i was And I was just making casual fashion chit-chat. But, so, that was a bit... Maybe he was upset because his pet swan had died earlier in the week. Oh, yeah, I hadn't thought of that. It wasn't called a dead swan belt, though. There were belts named after creatures at the time. The snake belt, of course. OK.

The stockbroker belt. I'm, like, six minutes on this guy's belt. OK. Anyway... And can I just say he was charmant, actually? belt, of course. Okay. The stock broke. I'm at six minutes on this guy's belt. Okay. Anyway. And can I just say he was charmant, actually? Apparently, the skateboarders, they use shoelaces as belts. Did you know that? Did they?

Yeah. Did you know that, Steve? You're down with the... You're down with the kids in Bell Slides Park. I wouldn't be astonished to find that you arrived by skateboard today. That's unflattered and offended at the same time. I think I had a skateboard for one week. I think you were bellyboarding.

I didn't think you were standing on it. Do people do that bellyboarding on skateboards? I don't think I'm the person to look at. I can't answer that. I'd like to know that. Your face would be within centimetres of dog excrement as you went down the street. I'm going to do that.

That's my birthday resolution. I'm going to start travelling on a skateboard, but face down. I think the only person over 30 I've ever seen skateboard is Graham Coxon from Blur, who you sometimes see in Camden. Does he do it? With his chin a couple of inches from the floor. Yeah. Come to think of it, of course, I'd be better off on my belly than on my back.

If I started skateboarding around on my back, I think there'd be complaints. Some kind of street luge. Yeah, although I could be a sort of a peripatetic mechanic who just went straight under cars and had a bit of a look and didn't even stop, just come straight out of the side and say everything's fine.

Yeah, I might do that. So what we were thinking of doing is that, and I mean, you know, I know you're busy, you people, but I thought you could send in some questions and then, so i have to answer them on emily's behalf and she on mine oh yeah par example give us a par example anyone okay um go on steve i was going to suggest so frank if if emily was a film premiere let's imagine that would happen. And some ignorant fool

accidentally trod on her dress resulting in some kind of significant wardrobe malfunction. Not like the time that the dog ripped a skirt off in the playground. Yes, that actually happened. Well, this is how well you know each other. How would

the Divine Miss M respond? Let's say not an Anne Hathaway type malfunction. No. Let's go top of it. A Tara Reid type malfunction. I don't know where that went, but what you're saying, yes. How would Emily react?

One thing is there are garments on underneath. I think Emily would be very cool about it, and I think she'd probably take off... I think she'd just lower the positioning of her Pashmina and anyone who's deeply offended I suggest you look up Pashmina before you complain

Hey this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hey, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And I'm with Steve Hall and Emily Dean. You can text us at 9.12.15 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. And do join in because without you, it's just us. Without us... By the way, I had a lovely present this week, which I can't identify because of a rights issue, from Russell Hancocks, who is...

He calls himself Prisoner 567. I presume 567 is on his number. That's lovely. Thank you, Russell, for that. And Russell is running in the london marathon now he did tell me this um for a dog charity called every dog counts i think it is when they don't know do they unless they do it like horses with that scratching thing when you say you can't identify the president for a rights issue, I take it you mean PRS rights, right? It's not like a Chinese political prisoner. Yeah, that's what it was.

It was... You know that woman who was on house arrest in Burma? It's her. An Song Suk Lee or whatever. Dave Lee Travis. I didn't even try the name. Wasn't there a Dave Lee Travis connection with her? Yeah, she said that Dave Lee Travis got her through 20 years of house arrest. Was it Simon Bates? No, no, it was Dave Lee Travis connection with her? Yeah, she said that Dave Lee Travis got her through 20 years of house arrest. Oh, was it Simon Bates?

No, no, it was Dave Lee Travis. Oh, interesting. Yeah, Simon Bates wouldn't get anyone through 20 years of house arrest, whereas Dave Lee Travis... I suppose it was that old thing there's always someone worse off that gets us through so many crises. I think you'll agree. You know what?

There's a little place we go now and again, Steve, and maybe you'll take my hand and join me. Email. Get out! I like to harmonise with the sort of Beyoncé style. Yeah, I love that. With the track. Frank, I would like to begin.

Do it. This email is from Matt in Toronto. He says... You get a lot of international interest. Do you know what? That's the joy of podcast. Very popular with the Canadians. Internet radio.

Yeah, we are. They're a big group for me. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. Well, you mean Steve in this instance, Matt, but how were you to know? No judgment. Your recent podcast mention of Ian Fleming prompted me to get in touch. Here in Toronto... I should say to Steve that my mum used to be a cleaner at Goldeneye,

Ian Fleming's Jamaican writing hideaway. I reminisced about that. I do listen to the show. Oh, do you? OK. Here in Toronto, they're celebrating 50 years at Bond. I do listen to the show. Oh, well, do you? Okay. Okay. Here in Toronto, they're celebrating 50 years at Bond. He knows what number house you lived at. I just can't picture him in a Tua T-shirt.

No. With an exhibition of Designing 007, with all manner of props, gadgets and clothes. I went to a brilliant James Bond exhibition at the Imperial War Museum. Did you? Which is round the corner from Spitting Distance. Perhaps we should say Fleming Distance. Yeah.

From my house. And that was brilliant. But this one is all about the design. Yes, it says it has everything from the Brioni tuxedos. I like a Brioni. But that's for your Italian well-built lad. I don't know Brioni. I don't expect you to.

As in it needs a reinforced trouser. No, just a bit more statuette. Givenchy jumpsuits. Steve's relieved I read this. To Oscar de Larenta gowns. Right up Emily's trouser. You're not wrong.

I was particularly interested to find out that some Bond villain names were based on Eton classmates. Flemings, I presume. When he says Eton classmates, it doesn't mean that they were the classmates of Armin Meivers, the German cannibal. It means they went to Eton for school. I just want to clarify that.

George Scaramanga and Tom Blofeld. They were at school, mate. Yeah. Because the one I went to, they had the jet pack. You know, I'm slightly jet pack obsessed. What about Oddjob? He might be the caretaker. Yes.

I dream of having a girl on a jet pack. And I'm leaving on a jetpack would be obviously my song. Is this recrimination for the presents you didn't get? Yeah, exactly. When I opened the Doctor Who bin, I was thinking, this is so a jetpack. And it wasn't. I have got one now, actually. I managed to pick one up on eBay.

And I arrange a lot of training shoes on telegraph wires for gang members. Because sometimes they throw them up there. They were telling me, this guy was telling me, and you throw them up there and he says, and one lace is hanging considerably lower than the other. And they don't like it. So I go up there and level them out on my jetpack. A little bit of gang work.

Matt signs off. I also wanted to share with you my mate and regular listener in the UK, Chris's New Year resolutions, drink less coffee and avenge the death of my master. Well balanced, I thought. Is he a dog? I think he'll find if he drinks less coffee, he'll be less obsessed

with killing people, though, as well. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, maybe he is a dog. He might be that dog in the HMV, avenging the death of his master. His master's father, yeah, it's all there. Nipper. Yes. That's the name of the dog in the HMV. Well, there you go. That's from Matt in Toronto.

Well, good old Matt. We'll come back to the corner. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So we're just picking up Emily from the previous issue. Picking up Emily. It's my third time on the show. I thought I'd give it a crack.

It's only a matter of time. Chapter three of multibography. Only a matter of time. Six weeks to OMG in an entirely different sense. Oh, my God. He's a filthy creep. You've employed a filthy creep, Frank. Oh, my God, he's a filthy creep. You've employed a filthy creep, Frank. Well, it seemed the opposite.

So, carry on, Steve. No, I don't mean carry on with this. Oh, cease and desist. The number of women that say that to me. So, Matt from Toronto. Do you know what I say to those women? Slightly parrot-like, actually. Now that I've managed to lose any respect you may have previously had for me, Emily.

So Matt in... That's optimistic. I actually love Steve. Carry on. Excellent. That's good. Matt, he mentioned that Fleming based the Bond villains on his old Eton classmates,

and he said George Scaramander and Tom Blofeld. And then in brackets he's put, no mention of Dave Goldfinger, ha-ha. Oh, I didn't read that bit out. Well, that was very kind of you not to read that out. Well, I think that was Matt's big moment. It was Matt's big comedy moment. Oh, no, sorry, Matt.

Which he's helpfully pointed out by putting ha ha. He's like, I didn't like the ha ha, put me off that. People from Radio 4 listening he might have got snapped up. I think I'm decided by the way, I'd quite like to do a panel show on Radio 4.

Not just advertise for work. Extraordinary statement. I had an idea. It's called Patsy Palmer's Pink Pyjamas, in which Frank and the panel speculate on what minor celebrities wear in bed. What do you think? Well, I wouldn't be much good, because I know the answer to most of those questions.

There's very few I don't know the answer to. But it's great. I'm missing the cosiness. Would you incorporate Patsy Palmer into the show? No, no. When you press your buzzer, it goes, Ricky! Not very Radio 4, dear. They like applaud every time someone says sandwich on a panel show.

Anyway, sorry, I digress. Yes, simply, it's a little pop culture fact that Matt's actually incorrect. Because Goldfinger's not, that wasn't a joke name. There was a Goldfinger that Ian Fleming hated. His name was Erno Goldfinger, who is an architect. He designed, amongst other things, he designed Trellick Tower. Oh, did he? He did.

Do you know, Steve's a little bit of a Wikipedia. And I like that in him. I like that, yeah. I like that, yeah. I like knowledge of all dimensions. So do I, Frank. Yeah, so Erno. Yeah. Erno.

Erno. And he hated him. He absolutely, Fleming hated him so much because they had a dispute about, there were some cottages that Goldfinger wanted pulling down in Hampstead so that he could build one of his neo-brutalist atrocities. He knows all the planning applications and everything. OK. And Fleming lost the case.

The houses, the old houses were taken down. Goldfinger made something that was mainly concrete. And then he threatened to sue Fleming, said, if you use my name, I'm going to sue you. So Fleming then said, if you force me to remove the name, I'll keep the word gold and then just put an insult. So it was gold followed by a swear word, which we can't say on air. That was his response.

I was going to say, I didn't think finger was category C. It got to the level of bickering, didn't it? I like the idea that he took the cottages down with a laser. OK, anyway, carry on. A little bit of James Bond. I love it. I love a fact. So do I.

Are we ready for email two? Yeah, let's do it. OK. This is from Tom. It's actually really your turn to read this, Steve. You've got to pay the rent here. There you go. I've got to pay the Oscar de la rent.

Yeah. Oh, lovely. I didn't get that. Who is Oscar de la rent? Oscar de la rent to the designer. He was previously referred to. What's that? Sorry, that must have that. Who is Oscar de la Renta? Oscar de la Renta, the designer. He was previously referred to. Would you like to read this one? I'm always having the telly on.

I wander off. So, I'll read the email. Come on, Steve. Having listened to Frank admit eating OXO cubes and telling jokes about the Bermuda Triangle, I think I have found a soul brother, possibly wearing a soul belt. Let's hope so.

My problem is Michael Bublé, and where did he come from? Well, when Mr and Mrs Bublé loved each other very much. No. I have no recollection of Michael Bublé ever becoming famous. Everybody I have asked has the same answer. He has always been famous. I feel as if he was just injected into my subconscious. I have to admit he's a fantastic singer

and whatever parallel world... You don't have to admit that. Not for my benefit, certainly. Whatever parallel world he's worked to become famous deserves him, but I feel he's been injected into mine. What next? Arnold Schwarzenegger was a great president. Does Frank have any other occurrences of possible injected recall?

And that's from Tom. So this is about the idea when people just seem to... Everyone knows someone and you think, I don't remember them emerging. Yes. I get that with Nicki Minaj. Frank, good one. Nicki Minaj.

Very good one. I would like to... If I was an armed guard, I would like to see Nicki Minaj's papers. Because she seems to have no history, as far as i can tell she just um suddenly um i remember you you said um oh nikki menage was at some uh complaining that the grass was too long outside her caravan and i thought i've never heard of this person but she's at a level where she can complain about the grass being too long at a festival and And that was it. It was just voila, menage.

Perhaps I'm going to replace... I'm going to replace voila in my general usage with menage to suggest. I might say it three times. She should drink Stella Artois. That would, of course, be a menage a trois. Sorry, yes. If I was her, yeah, I would be sponsored by Stella Artois. Of course, it can work the other way.

What? Cleopatra coming at you. Cleopatra, they came at me, they went past me, I can't even see them in my rear-view mirror now. Where have they gone, Cleopatra? You never see them unaware, are they? Now there's no... They don't seem to have been involved in any...

Their total fashion roadkill, they've disappeared. Crimes, they're not on any reality TV show, none of them have died that I know of. This week's texting. Where are Cleopatra? Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Just FYI, Cleopatra is alive and well living in Lower Hopton, Merfield. No, that's not right. That's where the cockerel comes from. Yeah, that must be a joke. No, that's Dick Bedford in Merfield, West York. They couldn't be living in the same place that the cockerel comes from.

If they are, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. They were like urban, you know, dudes. Cleopatra sung at My Freshest Ball at Portsmouth University back in 2006. Well, yeah, of course they did a lot in 2006. We will find them. Alan Cochran and Cleopatra. That could be the Shakespeare play. Yeah.

That would be worth seeing. How many were there? Three? Yes. Okay. Frank, I do think we need to discuss the ball boy. Oh, come on. We do.

I mean, a Belgian kicked a Welsh person. It's not our business. That was a game of Jeux Sans Frontieres in years gone by. Yes, the ball boy. It was a bit of an incident. Yes, I'm sure everyone's seen this, but basically Swansea play Chelsea this week and the ball boy, rather than returning the ball, seemed to just lie on top of you. He was doing a bit of belly surfing. He was a bit.

What do I call that stuff when you go on your belly? Something boarding. Body boarding. Is that what it is? He was doing aboarding is that what it is he was doing a bit of that on the ball and um doing a bit of a steve mcgarrett chelsea player eden hazard um i thought he kicked the ball but he might i did as well there might have been a bit of boy in it as well i said boy he was 17 wasn't it well well yeah but you know that's not young in football terms no but it's a bit old for a ball boy, isn't it?

Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, it is. It is. It's a bit pupil of, please, sir. Being in their 30s. What's he doing there at 17? Apparently he's dad, isn't he? Isn't his dad on the board of directors at Swansea? Yeah. So that helps. He was like a celebrity ball boy.

Yeah. But Glenn Hoddle, did you hear? Because he'd had one of his eileen drury gut feelings he said that ball boy's bent you mark my words well it's saying that he'd rolled the ball back to the goal earlier and he'd done it in a very um slow not really to the goalie and as most people know he bragged on twitter that he was hashtag time wasting hashtag time wasting yeah and everyone said that first of all they were really sorry for him, and then they said, actually, his father's worth 42 million quid,

and he's the heir to that, which is so rarely. I've never heard, I can honestly say, the years I've studied football, I've never heard a ball boy described as an heir to anything. But anyway, I didn't like this idea being fed into the public consciousness that it's all right to kick someone because they've got a few bob. I'd like to nip that in the bud if we can.

He didn't help it, though, because he... Then they realised that he'd been posting all these pictures of him in first class. Now, if you're going to post those, don't wear a baseball cap. He looked a little bit sort of... Yeah, he doesn't do... Because on his Twitter account, he emphasises...

He says he's a lad, and to emphasise what a lad he is, he puts LAD in capital letters. But that has the unintended consequence that it makes it look like it's a condition that you should stand for something. So rather than he's a lad, it's like he's... Because he's quite a chubby boy as well. Is he chubby? So it's like he's got condition that you should stand for something so rather than he's a lad it's like he's because he's quite a chubby boy as well so it's like he's got sort of lard affective disorder yes he was a bit um augustus gloop wasn't he yeah absolutely i don't know that

he is oh he's in charlie and the chocolate factory oh okay i've never seen that film to be so upset at such a delicate it's the sort of kick you give to a stubborn trolley wheel in the supermarket. Yes. Or a temperamental ironing board. But it shows that he's learnt from the footballer, because he actually rolled around in agony. I'd say, what, what? It was simulation and he handled the ball.

He's Luis Suarez. Yeah, what? But fat and 17 and from Swansea. What Eden should have done, I think, is when he lay on the ball like that, rather than kicking him, he should have pulled his tracksuit trousers and pants down. Hang?

No, because he wouldn't have felt like such a hero then, would he? And he wouldn't have hurt him. They couldn't say that was a nasty thing to do. But he would have been properly humiliated. It's a bold move in the current climate. It is, yeah. It must have been two degrees below.

Some may say, I'm wise. Exactly. There'd have been no dying swan that night in this cold. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I was thinking I was coming back from the news, but I'm not. I nearly started saying Mrs Frank Skinner and all that. I thought we were as well.

This is so funny. Isn't it cray cray? It's like we both had the same dream. You know what I'm talking about? Frank, Reggie has texted in, a.k.a. He's the friendly one, I think, isn't he? The other twin, I think, is the... Reggie Craig, you know him, I know.

No, they've gone a bit commercial now. I like them in the old days. 638, he's known to his friends as. I don't like the matching pillowcases you can buy. Oh, I love them. Oh, do you? OK. Did Hazard, Hazar you're meant to say, aren't you? But did Hazard have his light flashing when he kicked the fat kid

that's from Reggie Hazard yes because the original Eden Hazard was the devil in the form of a reptile which is quite interesting because just seven miles away from the Swansea city ground is Neith

the birthplace of course of Kathleen Binger Seven miles away from the Swansea city ground is Neath, the birthplace, of course, of Kathleen Dinghy. Jenkins. How are they now calling her Kathleen? She's some Irish nurse. We all know her real name is Beelzebub. So why even play the game? But I feel that there might be something diabolic going on there.

I think I could be right. I've been wrong before. Frank, one of the things... I mean, I thought high-rise housing was a fantastic idea. So did Erno Goldfinger. He was even more into the Bauhaus. Yeah, he did, Erno. He certainly did, Erno. One of the things I like most about

Ball Boy Gate was, did you see Rafa in the press conference? He's good in a press conference. He kept referring to him as the boy in a medieval type way. He wouldn't call him his name. He said, the boy was brought to dressing room. The boy has apologised. I loved it, like he was sort of Baldrick.

Didn't he expand it all to a sort of broken Britain scenario? Yes, he did. Rafa. Yeah. And he also said, which I think summed it up perfectly, he said both they apologise to each other, which I think is fair enough.

That's exactly what happened. Sort of Yoda kind of tribute. He was here quite a long time. I mean, I know my Spanish is not good, but he was here quite a long time before. You'd think his English would be all right. I know. I enjoyed Pat his English would be all right. I know. I enjoyed Pat Nevin's conspiracy theorites.

He was firmly of the opinion that the ball boy was a ne'er-do-well, but was refusing... He was saying that there was absolutely no contact with the ball boy at all. And it reminded me of the JFK conspiracy theories, the way Pat Nevin... I thought he was going to say that Hazard wasn't there at all and there was some bloke on a grassy knoll. I suppose the whole pitch is a grassy knoll in a way.

Yeah. Yeah, and Joey Barton said the only thing he did wrong was he didn't kick him hard enough. It's unlike him to be controversial. Yeah, obviously he said the only thing he did wrong. Yeah, obviously he said, the only thing in the drawing. Frank, I like, there was also, you know, we were talking last week about wreaking havoc and how a word is only used in one.

I like that there was, they always use this only in a football context, which is, it said, Frank Lampard was said to intercede. I like when they intercede. Did they only do that? Yeah, pretty much only. Well, it doesn't seem to be making any allowance for the conciliation service, ACAS, or indeed the ombudsman.

John Terry's a fan of interceding in football. Is he? It's a Wayne Bridge joke, don't worry. Oh, no, has he been rich? Oh, I see. Is he a filthy creep, Frank? Oh, I'm flaming numb. I've blocked my copybook.

You have. I can't. I don't know where to look. No. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I feel bad to Sarah Frank, who works on the show. I've got to put it out there. She asked me what coffee I wanted, and I was doing something. I said, this is more important. Did you? Yeah. Sorry, Sarah. That's right. It's more important than coffee, isn't it?

Actually, not to many people. I've had a tumultuous week, Frank. When you're the victim of genuine hatred from people who have no idea, they've never even heard me perform any comics. Don't read your reviews.

That's my advice. Yeah. It's quite rare that I can even find them. My wife is a delightful vegetarian lady. Okay. And she's very eco-friendly, and we get a veggie box delivery. Oh, we get a veggie box.

Is it organic? It is. We get that. Oh, you two and your organ box. Is it organic? It is. We get that. Oh, you two and your organics. Do you get fruit with it as well? Yeah. We get all sorts. We opted out of the fruit.

See, we started off, it was just vegetables, then it became fruit. Now, sometimes I'll have a jar of pasta sauce in there. Rye bread? I've seen that in your gaff. I've seen it in your gaff, Frank. It's an old cardboard box. It's great because we're never in,

so the guy leaves two boxes outside the door like a warning of some kind. Like people used to leave a white feather on the door of a conscientious objector. Like the vegetables are making a statement. Well, that's all good, though. That's a good thing. Well, it's lovely.

Because my wife was the driving force behind it, the man who delivers our vegetables each week clearly fancies her. And so for the first couple of weeks when he was delivering them, we've had it for a year or two, he was always incredibly charming to her. Never saw me.

And then the first time I came out and answered the door, he realised that she was with a man living in this house and went, oh. He never actually said that. It was scarcely veiled contempt. There was a proper groan, a kind of a heartbreak and disgust at the same time.

He sounds like he might have been cut from my cloth. Yeah. I like him. But the longer this has gone on, my wife usually... Is he actively flirtatious? Oh, yeah, he's actively flirtatious. Not the old butternut squash through the letterbox. And where's he flirtatious? Does he wear a Tom Daley brief?

The most direct thing, when I was away one summer for the Edinburgh Festival... Oh, dear. My wife mentioned... She was never the same after that summer. What happens in the vegetable box stays in the vegetable box. My wife mentioned to him that I was away for the month, and she insists that from that week on, for the rest of that month, she said that the carrots were definitely of a slightly suggestive size and shape

for the rest of that month. That's put me off terribly. And then when I returned, again, there was a proper... I love it when I bring the box into the kitchen, when I carry it, just to carry in the maleness. It's the haunted gatherer, you know, I bring it in. And the great thing is, I don't know about you, but we don't know quite what's going to be in it.

Yeah, yeah. There's an element of... It's like a kinder surprise. Well, there's often things we've never heard of that we have to kind of google image search for a kohlrabi I was familiar with a Jerusalem artichoke didn't know what one actually looked like

no well I wouldn't recognise a Jerusalem artichoke but I do I like the randomness of it it's like you know the gambler waits for the fruit to come up on the fruit machine I wait for the vegetables and come up on the fruit machine.

I wait for the vegetables. And we had, I think it was one week, we had 17 bananas. What did they think we were trying to catch? Some sort of, like something that escapes. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Radio d'Absolute. I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall.

I've got a slight frog, just a slight frog in my throat. I don't mean the accent. I've got a little bit of Ian Fleming. But I'm going to carry on. Who wants to hear coughing on the radio? Text in on 81215, or you can follow us on Twitter at FrankOnAbsolute.

Calm down, dear. Calm down, dear. I love that he lives on in this stress ball. And I think it's what he would have wanted. Frank, we need to talk about Beyonce.ce because i know what you're gonna say she got in a little bit of trouble this week a little a little bit of trouble apparently um some said she was lip-syncing has it been confirmed yes it has been officially

confirmed by a white house spokesman that she did lip-sync, that she lip-synced. I say, I wasn't bothered. I was a Milli Vanilli fan, in fairness. But I also think that, I'm sorry, you can't sing with a brass band. You can do that. It's a bit of a strain with that lot. I saw the On Thank sisters sing with the Brighouse and Rastrick brass band. It was absolutely wonderful. Did you?

I think if you're a singer you should be able to sing live I mean looking back now he's thinking oh we should have got James Arthur Well you got Kelly Clarkson What's that weird song she sung? She just made up words to God Save the Queen

My country tis of thee That's God Save the Queen I think you'll find Is it to the words to God Save the Queen. Rubbish. My Country Tis of Thee. That's God Save the Queen, I think you'll find. Is it to the tune of God Save the Queen? It's to the tune of God Save the Queen. 1831, Samuel Francis Smith wrote the words to My Country Tis of Thee. Did you just happen to know that? No, he's Rain Man and I love him for it. Again, it's pub quizzes.

He's an excellent driver. Because the American National Anthem, they just took that, the uh the the american national anthem they just took that the tune to the american national anthem was originally just a drinking song oh thank you like that the anacreon uh drinking society and francis scott key then wrote some words and put it to the music but to be fair to her that particular song any song where an individual's note gets its own applause. Because you know when people do, The red rocket's flare,

the audience go, just for making it. And then you've got at the end, the big, The land of the free. So it's not like you've got the big one out of the way. You're thinking, I've got that other big one to come now. So it is quite difficult. I don't want to be too hypocritical,

because I did Top of the Pops once with Three Lions. Not only did I mime the singing... It was very similar. Yeah, I mimed singing. I also mimed the French horn intro. I thought, well, if it's mime, you fill your boots. What, did you do a Madness Thumb style thing? No, no, I actually... With an instrument?

I got a French horn. Did they get the commentators to mime their little soundbites? A couple of people said to... No. A couple of people said to me afterwards, did you really play the French horn on that? Can I say, by the way, generally speaking, if ever a celebrity of any kind says,

people come up to me and say, or a cab driver said to me, it's a lie. No. It's a way of lying is it yeah not when i do it because i live for the truth but whenever you hear david cameron when david cameron says yeah cab driver said to me the other day no that didn't happen can i just say i was very excited as as well to get a look at Joe Biden, who's one of my OCs. You know, I have obscure crushes, Steve. One of them is the son of disgraced canoe man John Darwin.

I've only seen one grainy photo of him in the Sunday Times, Mike, but that's enough. But Joe Biden, you fancy? Fancy? Because he looks to me a bit like he's just drunk from the wrong Holy Grail at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Aww. Aww. I quite like old Ma Biden.

She looked pretty good. Old Ma Biden. Lovely. She had a Vera Wang on. Did you know that? I've got tears in my eyes that you know that. She had a Vera Wang and Michelle Obama. What was she wearing?

She had a Jason Wu. Oh, Frank! They were basically... They were the Wu Wang clan. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Clive Middleditch... I know you're a fan of his work.

Yeah. He has tweeted us to say, when Arthur was interviewed at the TV Awards, was he wearing his chain mail? Well, we've had things before. I don't know if this is the guy who texted last time. He said, Arthur wears his chain mail just around the house in Merlin. But he actually said to Tanya,

when she said, will there be any spin-offs from Merlin? He said, no, I think it's time to get out of my chain mail. Oh, did he? So he's obviously picked on. He's quite young and handsome, I've only just noticed. I googled. No, he is quite handsome. Lovely.

I've never seen his middle ditch. No, but I'd like to. No. So meanwhile, over with Marv Iden. Can I just say, I don't know if this is... I'm just out of touch. You know, I'm old enough now to be out of touch. Let's face it, I'm moving that way.

In fact, I think I might do a jingle that goes, Danger, danger, Frank's dotage. But I don't really know who Kelly Clarkson isson is i don't really when i say i don't really know i mean i have absolutely no idea ashley jodd i don't know who that is john legend i don't know john legend no i don't know any of these people and they were all sarah finds that hilarious she's young and knows these people. From what little I heard of them on the thing, I'm glad I don't know them.

But I don't know who they are. Most of the people there, I had no idea who they were. Ashley Judd is Leslie Judd's daughter. You are kidding me. I am. OK. Leslie Judd. I know Leslie Judd.

I tell you what I know, Leslie Judd, she used to host Blue Peter, of course, and me and David Baddiel did some filming with a Peruvian player called Teofilio Cubilas, and he had to do a line which was, oh, Ashley Judd has left us with egg on her faces. I won't go into the details, but just the way he did it, with egg on her faces. I won't go into the details, but just the way he did it.

Aww, Ashley and John's left off with egg on her faces. It was great passion. Oh, man. Me and Dave, I bet you we took about 25 takes every time you said it. We were... I remember that's because you got the Peruvian team... Whoops, I don't break a chair. The Peruvian team wearing... Oh, my God, that's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened. You're representing the Peruvian team... Whoops, I don't break a chair. Oh, you're all right, Steve. The Peruvian team wearing...

Oh, my God, that's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened. Representing the Peruvian team as cans of Red Stripe. That's right, because it looked like the kit, yeah. Oh, those are my glory days. Steve, are you OK, darling? I've actually broken the chair. That's how excited I was by a reminiscence from... Yeah, that's it with nostalgia.

It's no good for furniture. I told you he was like me. I've said that a million times. I told you he was like me. A bit like Led Zeppelin in a really clumsy way. But speaking of old men making a fool of themselves, Barack Obama danced Gangnam style, apparently. He did Gangnam.

Yeah. Oh, God. See? I don't want that. I want... If I'm going to dance, it has to be to Somewhere Over the Rainbow. I'm talking Gingham style. Did you see Joe Biden working the crowd did I see him

the silver fox he's good with the people he's very he's the blue collar ticket you see the shades of Michael Barrymore hosting Strike It Lucky

to the way he works how dare you really there's a lot of pointing a lot of kind of a lot of climbing he did a lot of climbing didn't he Barrymore

and then he did a lot of climbing, didn't he, Barrymore? And then he did a lot of descending. Which is, I suppose, the inevitable well, one can hardly call it upshot, but... Quick, let's get commercial. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. We've had an email in, subject line Cleopatra. Ah, we've found them. Have we found them? Hi, Frank. My nine-year-old had to watch the sex education video at school. Oh, dear. And I asked to watch it first to make sure I knew what questions my daughter may want to ask me.

Yeah, sure you did. And they are on this video presenting it. Cleopatra. Mind you, it must be 20 years old. So maybe that ended their career. Oh, well, that doesn't prove anything. I know they existed. That's from Catherine Adams.

I hope they weren't using the Cominaccia. Frank! So anyway, shall we return to Email Corner? I suggest we do immediately. Email Corner. Lovely. It's all gone a bit Kelly Clarkson. I wouldn't know.

This is from Tim Frank. He says, Staying in over the weekend to avoid the Arctic conditions, I decided to watch some of the Sherlock Holmes films starring Basil Rathbone. Oh, brilliant. I love Basil. I've got the box set. Have you?

Oh, I love Basil. Made in the 1940s. I'd seen these movies many times before. In the 1970s, there seemed to be one shown on BBC Two every Friday. But I'd not previously noticed a couple of points. I don't quite get the Boris Johnson. Is he suggesting the actor resembles Boris Johnson? I don't think he does particularly, Steve. I don't think Nigel Bruce. He was bumbling. I don't think he does particularly, Steve. I don't think Nigel Bruce. Yeah.

I don't think he does. He was bumbling. I don't know if he means that. Yeah. He used to get condemned for being too bumbling for... Oh. But, of course, we know... Like Skinner.

You know what kind of hat Sherlock Holmes used to wear? Oh, no. Near enough, isn't it? In those days, they didn't haunt them, they stalked them. Used to just sit outside their house, follow them, take photos. Yeah, I love those films. Frank Skinner did a lot of black and white horror film soundtracks. Did he?

I looked up his IMDb credits. Oh, you did his Rain Man thing? I did my Rain Man thing, absolutely. He's done some incredible films. The list is massive, but amongst the films that Frank Skinner did the music for were Pillow of Death, which is a fantastic name for a film. I think that was Jeremy Thorpe. Peril from the Planet Mongo, that was one of them.

That sounds a bit borderline. I don't like that. And The Devil's Pipeline. I love that. Basil Rathbone, that's where he got his pipes from. Of course, with the Sherlock pipes, what I like about them is they meander. You'd think a pipe would take the shortest possible route from mouth to bowl, but they're happy to loop right down there. I love all that.

They're great. I like the sound of this guy. Someone who thinks, oh, it's snowing, I'll watch four or five Sherlock Holmes movies. Fantastic. There's one when he fights the Nazis.

Have you ever seen that one today? I've not. Yeah. Does he win? Well, he gets in early, of course, being Victorian. They haven't really fully formed. Are we still in email corner?

I think we are. We are indeed. I've got one here. Dear Frank, Emily and the Spaniel. That's Cochran in absentia. After spending some time Google mapping possible new home locations, I was drawn to these blue round disc-like shapes in people's gardens. These objects confuse me, and it appeared every other garden has one.

On one housing estate, brackets, sorry, Emily, 90% of the homes have a blue disc. These items scare me. They are either hot tubs, trampolines or portals to another dimension. Regards from Ian. Well, my bet is that they are not hot tubs on the house in the state. What are they?

I think they're portals to another dimension. Everybody now has got a trampoline in the garden, haven't they? It's absolutely become the thing. If they're blue, I was wondering if they could be some sort of disabled badge that the house is just... Aren't those usually orange? Some of them are blue now. I think that's the heritage society of the famous disabled people from the past.

Byron, I think, gets a blue one. Douglas Bader. Yes, Alton Legs. gets a blue one. Douglas Barter. Yes, Alton Legs. He, I'm thinking now, if I got a house, I'd probably, having a child now, I probably would have to give in and get

that. Trampoline. I had a go on someone's trampoline recently. Oh, lovely. How was it? It was alright, but when I went up on it, I could see the neighbours in their garb. And that fourth bounce, I'd run out of facial expressions, to be honest.

I'd love to see Stephen Merchant on that trampoline. He must get a good view. But he sees the shard. He'd go straight through it. It'd be very satisfying if Google Maps had caught you at that exact moment so that somewhere on Earth there's just you 15 feet above the ground. Yeah, thanks for your optimism.

Didn't you get a headache though, Frank? Terrible headache. If Stephen Merchant lie on the edge of it from Google Earth, it would look like the letter Q. I didn't get a headache. No, I wore a sports bra. If that's what you want. No, I was actually wearing a mock jet pack. I thought that would impress the neighbours.

Sorry, are you telling me to do something? No. Let's carry on. Extraordinary bit of an admin going on there. I'd like to... Have I got time for another email? I've got one message for the producer. Calm down, dear.

Calm down, dear. Dear Frank, I really love the show. I just wanted to share that with you. You know I don't accept praise. I know you don't, but this is Lynn in Bournemouth. We have to make an exception. Okay. And everyone in Bournemouth is called Lynn normally.

I laughed out loud at the new pronunciation of Nandos that Frank had come up with. That was an accident. And remembered a few years back... I like a Greek restaurant. ...walking with my daughter Anna, who was 11 at the time. We needed shoes and she said, should we go in clanks?

What? Clanks, there, she said, pointing to Clark's. If you look at the sign, it does actually look like clanks. Does it? The poor child has never lived it down. I think I'm wearing a pair of clanks. I'm tempted to take them off and have a look. I imagine my foot sweat has worn away the inner logo, surely, by now, wouldn't you say?

I used to say Granny Hoppy when I was a child for Pomegranate. Did you? And I think my parents, because people with us found it hilarious, sort of discouraged from telling me the real truth, so I called it Granny Hoppy for quite a long time. Pomegranate is the sort of thing that an Australian road builder might import from the UK. And my girlfriend still says, to this day, Muesli. I'll have a bowl of Muesli.

And I keep saying, that is not how you say it. And it's had no impact at all Kath has a whole hostism though in fairness what was the one she said to you? she said to me recently, she said it's like that old saying in my jest my whatever yes this is

Frank Skinner Absolute Radio what's in the news? well I'll tell you who's been in the news. I'm a big fan of Simone Cowell. Yes. Simone de Cowell? Yes.

He's had a bit of an image tweak. I saw it. Did you see? I did, yes. Did ye see? Yes, he's taken to wearing spectacles. Just very not him. What he's done, we're going to use the footballer's tense here, he's turned up. He's turned up. He's taken to wearing spectacles, just very not him. What he's done, we're going to use the footballer's tense here,

he's turned up... He's turned up, he's looked up. He's put on spectacles. Yes, he's turned up at the Britain's Got Talent auditions with the sort of geek chic, aren't they, Harry Potter specs? A bit of Professor Yaffle. I'd say if I had to put an exact look-alikey spectacle on them, I would go Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies.

That might be something you have to Google image. No, I know that reference. He's not... Why doesn't he just go for a contact lens? He's not a man who despises falseness in all its manifestations. Because I think he looked a bit... I thought he looked a bit... I'm going to go Israeli physicist was what he looked like. He doesn't want to look like an intellectual.

Maybe he does. Well I thought with the glasses he looked a bit like the bride of Wildenstein, if you know Jocelyn Wildenstein. Oh yes. Oh that's harsh. That's harsh on Simone. It's peculiar that a pair of glasses should do that to a face. Yeah. Do you think he's just...

You know when you see those pictures of Marilyn Monroe carrying Ulysses by James Joyce, and you know that she's not reading it. He's probably opened it up and it's lipstick. He hasn't... Is it him trying to think, you know, it's about time I looked a bit cleverer? Well, he hasn't gone for those East London Joe 90 specs.

He's gone for the more Ivy League ones, hasn't he? Academic. There are no rims. Still the same jeans though, which I respect. He hasn't changed those jeans in 42 years. He's Mr Chance there, though, because with the death of Sir Patrick Moore, there is

a vacancy for a celebrity monocle wearer. It's basically him and Mr Peanut from the planter things he's the only moniker where I've left Eubank occasionally but how often do we see him anymore I understand he's living in a squat

with Cleopatra I hope he's not doing those sex education videos Why didn't he do that? Oh god Why didn't he go for something a bit more unusual wouldn't it be great if when you cut to him on Britain's Got Talent he had like those opera glasses on a stick watching the act.

And you know when they have that saucy erotic dance that they use for pre-show publicity? You can see it would be little binoculars on the same stick. He should just change his eyewear every week. It'd be great. Those oversized Run DMC ones. You know those pins now that just

clip on the nose? then he could have a pencil behind the ear for making notes on the axe. Frank he had stains on his jeans you are kidding me let's talk about this over for music this is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio he's handsome that Harry

sorry I'm watching Prince Harry on the TV. Oh, Prince Harry. I'm not happy with the Prince Harry interview. Why not? I'm not sure. I think he might go off to a five-star hotel a minute the camera swings back. Remember on John Noakes on Go With Noakes? Oh, yeah.

He used to see him zip himself into a tent and say, good night, everyone. Then the minute the camera went off, they whisked him away to a five-star hotel. Oh, yeah, he'd opened a bottle of red wine. Bear Grylls as well, wasn't it? He'd faked a lot of this. I don't know what he ate.

I mean, to me, this is the old fake moon landing thing. This is almost certainly... Oh, do you think so? He's the Milli Vanilli of soldiers. Yeah, I think this is in Bournemouth. He's a handsome chap, though, isn't he? Is he? Yes.

I'll tell you what I do like the idea. I'm very into the old William Cate happy marriage love. I think love breaks down the class barriers, and I like the idea that they're a lovely, happy, squeamishly, fun-loving couple. And I woke up the other morning, I lay in bed alone, and I thought to myself, I wonder if we've reached the stage yet where just across London, William and Kate are lying in bed,

absolutely cracking up, talking about that portrait of hers. With him saying, oh, God, god it was awful and you said it was amazing well what else can I say but it's like it's terrible it's terrible

what are we going to do with it we'll have to get a parrot and put it in the bottle just absolutely cracking and I really like

that thought that artist who's been condemned has brought a little bit of extra joy into their already happy life

he's actually been condemned to death I heard Has he? I'd say the hanging of that portrait is too good for him He took some of the heat off that woman in Spain who painted Jesus She's looking a lot better now

I like the Eskimo Jesus I've commissioned her to do a portrait of me actually That would be great to commission her wouldn't it I think she could become the new Banksy. If she just went around taking Banksy paintings that already existed, essentially spoiling them. Well, she's already good. She could do Simon Cowell's hair.

Basically, that is Simon Cowell's hair, like that Jesus. What do you call it, Frank? Black shredded wheat? No, well, I don't know. We've discussed it. I mean, I know it's a bit of a cliché to discuss Simon Cowell's hair, but he's got a flat top with a centre party, which is almost certainly...

He tossed a coin outside the hairdressers and the coin landed on its edge and he felt that fate had obliged him to have both haircuts. But I think if you were playing snooker with him, you could use him as a rest. I do. Maybe now he's got the new glasses, suddenly he'll look at himself in the mirror and go, oh my god, I look

like an absolute idiot. I didn't know he warned me. He was just like a sort of blur to himself. And then he said, oh, I need to sort that out. Or as he thought to himself, you know I could lodge a spectacles case. Yes. We've just seen on the news, the part of the interview where Harry suddenly gets up and runs

away really, really quickly. And we've slowed it down, sort of Baywatch style. Yeah. We're all just now watching television. We're doing a radio show, guys. Also, I know that it was like an emergency went off or something. Or maybe it was just lunch.

I don't know. But I think he could have said sorry. He could have said, sorry, I'm going to have to go. Yeah. Or something like that. I think that shows his general contempt for normal people. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Steve, it's been a joy having you as our guest. It's been a pleasure. Thank you. Do come back. We love you. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.