The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Bite

Episode Date: July 19, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank is looking for a remedy for an itchy bite and he also tells Emily and Alun how he's going to become a magazine man...the team also discuss Victoria Beckham and teaching.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. If you'd like to text the show and thus be part of our interactive experience, you can text us on 81215. If you're a bit more 21st century, why not follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio? Or if you're a tired old traditionalist, why not just

email us via the Absolute Radio website? There you go, that's that done. Or you can page us. Yeah, you can page me. If it's stuck in the 80s. That was a joke I always really liked that no one ever cared for, is

what's the definition of optimism a banjo player with a pager? And relax. Okay, so Do you want to sound it? No, I don't think I do. Oh, I don't. Or is it that someone's going to pay Jim to give him a

job? Because banjo is not a nice... It might be that. Is that what it is? Might be. I don't know, I'm just leaving it out there. I don't work with footnotes. Thanks, Daisy. Daisy's contract's coming up this week.

I think you'll find she'll be laughing that little bit more today. But laughing like that. That's slightly hysteria. Not really. Let's see if we ever get rid of Daisy. I should rather get rid of my right hand. Well, maybe the left. Anyway, I've got an itch on my leg,

which is driving me to distraction. Don't look to me. Oh, no, actually, I've misread that. It's driving me to this, which is in East Anglia. What about that banjo joke? Terrible. We'll come back to it. Don't dwell. I'm happy to dwell about that banjo joke? Terrible. Don't dwell.

I'm happy to dwell on a banjo. Let me see. Oh, yeah, he'll string it out. Let me see. He'll string out his banjo joke. That's something that can help us out. I can't find it. Tell us about that bike then.

I had a really funny idea then, but I can't find it. That's the first funny idea to fall flat. Not the last. I don't care. I'm not sure it is the first this week, to be honest. I'm not sure it's the first funny idea to fall flat. Mm-hm. Not the last. I don't care. I'm not sure it is the first this week, to be honest. I'm not sure it's the first this morning. Tell us about the bite. I was bitten at the Royal Academy of Arts...

Oh. ..yesterday, on my leg, by an insect. I mean, not by an artist. That's what they do. And a lady I was working with said, Oh, rub a banana skin on it. What? Now, I wondered if this was a cure just for comedians.

It would be a good idea. Because of the aptness of the banana skin. I was told once while holidaying in Italy, a lemon. Oh, yeah, a lemon. That's actually the trick, does it? Cures everything. I think out there amongst our readers there must be the best thing

to stop a boy itching. And I'm not talking about your medical creams. No. I want a cold peppers herbal approach to it. Well, Emily was straight in with a saliva recommendation, wasn't she? That was very kind of her, but it didn't seem proper.

Yeah. Yeah. Too early. Do you think saliva does it? I think there is something in it that's good for it, yeah. Actually, Sandy War is nodding next door, but I mean, she might be listening to German umpah music. Or she could be a queen, it's very hard to tell.

Would it kill you to experiment? She's carrying a large tankard with a lid on it. She's preparing for Oktoberfest. When is that? All right, Donna Rare. But Frank, I'm willing to experiment quite genuinely with the saliva, if you'd like me to. Oh, my goodness. Well, can you rustle me some off?

Yeah, I'll see what I can do. Can I say this? It's just above my ankle, this thing. Don't anyone think this is getting on to what? But it's a bare ankle, isn't it? Because you've come in in your shorts. Not only have I got shorts, but I've gone for a trainer sock this morning, so my ankles are complete.

I think I've got quite a nicely turned ankle, as they say. Yeah, yeah. But I'm on easy. You've gone a bit geography teacher, and I would on easy. You want to be a geography teacher and I would If Emily is prepared to provide the spittle for the first test for your bite, I'm prepared to eat a banana

and you can have the skin I love this, this is like a fabulous pit stop that I've stopped in and the whole team are helping Happy to muck in You start peeling if you can move into drool mode stop. But I've stopped in and the whole team are helping me out. Happy to muck in. Okay, well, um, you start peeling if you can move into drool mode.

I don't know, I think we've got something going here. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Biscuits are a bit stale, Frank. Do you think? Look, I didn't supply the biscuits. Do I look like a caterer? No, but you did supply the first-class joke earlier.

Thank you very much. We've had a text response from that high-old new definition of optimism, expecting a laugh from a joke involving a pager and a banjo player. Sorry, Frank. Who was that from? That's from 319. Oh, 319. And they do put that little colon

and then the smile with the brackets, you know. Oh, yeah. A colon and a smile. That's a nice one for the anatomists. What is it? A smiley face emoticon, yeah. Frank, what about the last five minutes when you played that song

and I just sat there trying to guess what was funny about that joke and I couldn't? Yeah, really. Emily was one of the sharpest knives in the drawer, I would say, and still trying to work out the banjo player and the painter. What is it, then? It's to do... Well, I'll tell you what.

We shouldn't say, so the joke is... What's the definition of optimism, a banjo player with a pager? And I said, is it because it's got... Something to do with time delay when you were trying to get out. Is it because it's a time delay? I don't know, I find the pager pretty efficient. When they were used by surgeons. They were.

But this is it, I think. Is a banjo player thinking that the need for a banjo is so desperate and so immediate that it's worth having a pager, I think. Is that the need for a banjo is so desperate and so immediate that it's worth having a pager, I think. Is that the joke? It used to be a genre amongst musicians, the banjo player joke. A bit like drama jokes. Oh, is it like drama? OK, I understand that. But dramas are sort of seen as stupid.

If there's any drummers listening, can I say I don't subscribe to that for you? No. And after all, Karen Carpenter was a drummer. She was... My boyfriend plays the drums. And after all, Karen Carpenter was a drummer. She was bright. My boyfriend plays the drums. Oh, well, there you go. He's also an actor. Yeah.

He's also my boyfriend. Okay. That's three good reasons to think him a bright... I'm just waiting for a son to say something that remotely is relevant to me going, ba-dum-tsch. But so far it hasn't happened. A rim shot.

I was just waiting and nothing was relevant. Anyway, I don't think every joke has to get laughs. I think it's nice sometimes if they stand in a little island of silence. Can that be autobiography number three, darling? Yes, I think it could be. Great title. I might get it on a T-shirt. It should be my Edinburgh show.

Anyway, let's move on. Oh, no, no. If you'd like to see Alan Cochran's Edinburgh show, tickets are available. You did say that Emily was one of the sharpest tools in the box. I don't think I said tool. I don't think I said box. Knives in the drawer, that's right.

It shows how your mind works, though. Tool box on breakfast radio. For goodness sake, man. Get a grip. We've had a text from 808. I wonder what state they're in. Hey, 808. Oh, I got that.

I didn't get that, you say. No, I know, but you get your banjo jokes. So there's something for everyone. OK, 808 state, 808. Carry on. When is that, this text begins? It's September Oktoberfest, named after King Octavius. Oh, so it's not in October?

Apparently not. You're welcome. Thank you. Who was that from? It's from Andy in Suffolk who says only know this as I'm going for the first time. Does M. Meister General want to come with seven burly and one puny cockneys? There you go, you've had a night's move to go

to Oktoberfest. Well, I'm afraid I'd love to go. Would it be a night or a nacht? I'm going to have to graciously decline. Are you? You know why? Why? Is it because... I've got a boyfriend.

Oh. Of course. Of course. That was my approach. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Can I say I just did a good thing? I did a good deed. What? Well, producer days, he was just starting an anecdote. And she said, yeah, the driver... And you know when you start an anecdote,

you realise no-one's listening to you. I'm always the person in the group. They've moved on. I'm always the person who listens for that plaintive voice in the wilderness. This happens to me so often. Someone says, yeah, my dad always used... And they think, oh, no one's listening. And then they find me with my eyes trained on them to help them through.

And they can just give me that anecdote. And they're happy with that because they think he's a professional comedian and appreciate more than most people anyway. And I do that. I'm a little's a professional comedian he'll appreciate more than most people anyway. And I do that. I'm a little rescue act for people who've started an anecdote that hasn't been heard by those around. I do that all the time. That's very good of you.

I've taken advantage of your good nature. I mean, you know what I think? I think actually you're listening to other people's stories because you're thinking the moment they pause I'm going to crack a funny. I don't believe you said that. Well, I do because I know there's a lot of resentment in there so you know how I deal with that

I just say no one's listening to me yeah you do do that it's good that you've stopped with that because obviously it worked very early on in your life when you were like three and you thought oh and a lot of people think you know it's time I moved on but you thought no, no, I'm sticking with this one. Come on, listen to me!

And, you know, for some people it was sounding infantile, but you seem to, it's grown with you. Yeah. I love it. It's part of me. Now, listen, Frank, we have some remedies. Oh, good. To cure that old bite of yours.

You haven't licked my upper ankle yet, I notice. This would be odd for people who've just tuned in. But to hell with them and their tardiness. I don't feel sick at the thought of that. It's quite a specialist interest, I agree. Tea tree oil, Frank. What is that? 724.

Now, I've used that. What is it? There is a thing called the tea tree. I don't know. It's called tea tree oil. I don't ask its derivation i just use the product but it doesn't come from a tea tree yeah yeah i presume that's not where tea comes from is it extra texting on that's from the tea plant seem to remember on pg on the on the box of pg tips

there was some um women how are you based on your Well, there used to be pictures of women from the Asian subcontinent, and I remember they were slightly hunched over. So I don't think they were taking it from a tree. I'd like when you see, say, a giraffe eating, and they're sort of craned upwards. They were stooped, these women. So I'm thinking it must grow on the ground, too. Yeah, I'm wondering...

Anyway, tea tree aisle, we'll try it. Sorry, Alan. If PG Tips were doing exact depictions, and they had the woman picking it, what happened in the 80s when they started selling tea using monkeys on swings? How did that corroborate to where they got it from? Because monkeys, of course, they operate on a whole lower level,

so they don't have to stoop. I thought they climbed as well. Anyway, we've got various remedies for you. Fully cloud, some of them. That was never explained. What, the monkeys? Yeah. Cup of tea, Mr Shifter.

Anyway. Your tea tree oil, okay. I'll have to buy that from a... Someone's saying... Oh, darling, don't buy it. I'll get it sent in. Oh, thank you very much. Nice.

That'd be lovely. Gary from Liverpool has texted, my mum used to put vinegar on wasp stings and then she put a dock leaf on it, I'll get it sent in. Oh, thank you very much. Nice. That'd be lovely. Gary from Liverpool has texted, my mum used to put vinegar on wasp stings and then she put a dock leaf on it, held with a plaster. See, dock leaf, I like the idea of it, because that really does feel close to the earth. Yes.

Okay. Warm spoon. Pardon? Warm spoon. Yeah, I will use a warm spoon. You mean like a hot spoon and burn it? Yeah, I will use a warm spoon. You mean like a hot spoon and burn it? Yeah, on the bite. Yeah, someone's saying, heat a teaspoon with hot water and touch the bite with the spoon. Apparently it kills the protein that causes the itch.

I like that because it's sort of, it could be made up, but then they've chucked in the word protein that makes it sound a bit science-y. Bit of science. And then they've brought it back with itch. Made it a bit colloquial, made it a bit folky. I'm loving it. Well well we're not going to do too many of these but I am going to try

somehow and I am properly itching and you are properly helping so thank you Skinner, Dean and Cochran, together The Frank Skinner Show Absolute Radio A lot of suggestions coming through for your bite, Frank.

Can I say, I just went across to get saliva from Emily Dean. It was disgusting. I just thought you could just basically... You stood over me in Combat Bermudas demanding saliva. Guess what the answer was? Well, you said, don't do it now, I've got biscuit in my mouth. It's what you said. So I've got to go back it now i've got biscuit in my mouth that's what you said i don't know so i've got to go back after the next song for more never go back i've got to go

back like it's a journey i don't know if i've ever said gob on my calf to a woman before but um you know what it felt good right paul has suggested um you need a dose of Man Up, Frank. Oh, Man Up. Oh. Oh, I see. I see what he's getting at, Paul. Yeah, I'm not very good at Man Up. But what's the alternative?

Man down! You know what I mean? It's a bit scary. Yes, I probably do, but I'm itching. I'm not ashamed of that. And do I really want a Man Up? Because because you know, it's men isn't it that cause most of the trouble in the world warfare and aggression

yeah, it's ok William has used a category C swear word to suggest you urinate on it well I already have tried urine on it not deliberately it just happened

and doesn't seem to have helped at all. Absolutely despicable. Yes, the Guardian. Terry has said cut it out with a razor. No, Terry. Tough love for Terry. Was it in the SAS? He then adds, also I'm in love with Emily. Do you want to go out

with Terry though? It's a bit of a razor. Bit of a razorer, man. I would, but I can't. Oh, I know what. I know. Just go play for him. Just go play for him. What's that?

It's drumming. We've had an email entitled Banjo Joke saying, since Mumford & Sons banjos have been on the updating the joke, I suggest the new optimism joke should be a flautist with a CFAX page. Oh. That's good. Oh, I see. Yeah, it's odd that, because...

It's not having the... I think Mumford have taken the banjo and... To continue a theme they've urinated on it. Perhaps it had a bee sting. But, you know, perhaps we on you. Perhaps it had a bee sting. Yeah, perhaps. We're all different. It had a bee string. Actually, do they have a bee string? There'll be musicians thinking,

oh, that joke didn't work. It doesn't have a bee string on a banjo. I mean, come on. Is that my page, yeah? We should leave off the bites thing now, but thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate it. Yeah.

You know, you said this during the last link and then you went round and tried to get your legs spat on and it didn't work, so you say leave off it but I'm not leaving until you've been spat on I'm getting it cured mid-music though, and the people at home can be enjoying themselves making tea and I don't know if you are

Can I be honest? There's something that I didn't like about the urgency of your tone when you asked for that saliva. I'm itching. I'll spit on you instead if you want. I'm itching. Will you? Yeah, I'll take my saliva where I can get it.

I think we all will. Don't spit on him. Worst film I've ever seen. You spitting on him? You see, he spat on my grave or something like that. Is that what it's called? Oh, it's not called that. OK.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm thinking I might stop reading books. What? I've always loved books my whole life. I've even described myself as bookish.

I've always loved books my whole life. I've even described myself as bookish. Mm-hm. But I wondered if magazines might be a more efficient way of gathering information. Oh. And I travelled recently, and I think I'm a bit heavy a book. I have a Kindle, but I thought, you know what I'll do? I'll take three or four magazines.

Oh, yeah. Which ones did you go for, then? Oh, I went for The Tablet, The Roman Catholic Weekly, DWM, Doctor Who magazine, and BBC History. Oh. And can I say, they were a rattling good read,

all of them. Wow. And it was lighter to carry. Yeah, but can I be honest? You know I will be. If I saw you walk into the plane holding those three, my heart would sink if you sat next to me. My heart wouldn't sink if you sat next to me. I'd think, oh, brilliant, this guy's going to be asleep pretty soon.

Look how boring those three magazines are. He'll be off. But that's fine. I don't mind that, because I think this guy'll be ringing his mum when he gets on the plane. I'm here, Mummy. But we're all different, and that's fine. And this is the thing with magazines, there's a whole world of choice.

If you want your Grazias and whatever, you can have those. If you want your motorcycle... We're in style, can you plug my magazine, thank you. Yeah, in style, if that's what you want. And it's good. And the nice thing about them, I've found you don't need a bookmark, you can just leave them folded back. They're lightweight. And the nice thing about them, I've found you don't need a bookmark. You can just leave them folded back. They're lightweight.

And the brilliant thing is, when you... It's only 1820s. When you finish... Just discovered magazines. When you finish... Well, people say that guy looks quite... The guy in the glasses over there, he looks quite magazine-ish. That's what I want to say.

That guy looks bookish, but that guy looks a bit more, you know, he's got more about him. he's slightly magazine-ish. How thick is the tablet, if you don't mind me asking? Oh, well, it's, I'd say it's about 40 pages, something like that. Oh, more of a pamphlet, really. Well, more of a lozenge than a tablet, you might say. These will be the names that they use for the next versions of the exact gadgets you're talking about,

the pamphlet and the lozenge. Who edits that then? Editor-at-large? The Pope? No, but you can choose. No, I don't think he's involved. He's not involved? He's quite rebellious, actually, the tablet. Try it. It's... I keep taking the... No. But there's everything, you know what I mean?

I know sometimes when we think magazines, we instantly think Woman's Realm. No, we don't. Isn't that your first's realm no we don't it's not your first no oh this is not 1963 okay it is in in our house i've been around out in auras recently i think in 1963 um no um but there's all sorts of uh you know really quite uplifting and challenging magazines so what about truck. So... What about Trucker's Monthly? But isn't it great, though, when you finish, you just bin them. It's not like books. You don't have a big magazine case at home. Yeah.

But when you're on the road, you just bin them. I always feel like somebody else should get a magazine. I feel like there should be a handed-down thing going on. If they want to take it out the bin, that's fine. Okay. That's fine. Okay. That's fine. Do you not keep the Doctor Who magazines? Do you like the idea of the Catholics foraging for your discarded, the tablets?

I'll be honest with you, I do keep the Doctor Who magazines. I knew you would. But the others I do throw away. In a room. They have a room. They're in a room, but there's also a toilet in that room, to be fair. I was in the Doctor Who magazine recently. Shut up. One of those photos, you know when you look like someone said, also a toilet in that room to be fair i was in the doctor who magazine recently i was looking

pretty good one of those photos you know when you look like someone said hey frank can you look back over your shoulder and they photograph you like the opening credits of dallas oh is that what you it's one of those yeah it's nice because the net looks slightly twisted like uh like i'm beginning to become a walnut world and that's himself frank skinner yeah oh lovely yeah exactly first you've just seen charlene tilton maybe stepping off an aeroplane, and then it's me, you know, Frank Skinner. And I'm just getting out of a car. Who said that?

And it's me, surprised. It's a lovely picture. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I can't tell you how many times yesterday my girlfriend said to me, it's hot, isn't it? What's the point in keep saying it over and over like that? And I said that.

She said, I know, I don't know why I keep saying it. And I'd say it was ten minutes before she said it again. She wants to wash her pants. That's what she did last time. Oh, yeah, that's right. That's a good idea. That cooled her down good and proper. Wash your pants in cold water,

wring them out and put them back on. Lovely. And if you happen to be passing a bite on the way. I could give that a crack, yeah. Well, 319 says to help someone with a bite itch, I tell them the banjo pager joke. It confuses them so much they completely forget about the bite. Well done. What you've done there, you've fused

two themes into one perfect. I think that gives us closure on the banjo and the bite. Who did that? 319. 319, you've cracked it. We've got some closure from Jackie in South Shields. I say some, it's not quite conclusive.

Tea tree oil comes from the leaves of a tree from Australia and New Zealand. The tree name is something like Maliluka. Something like... Is it Katie Malua? Yeah. It's not Malua, it's Malua.

Katie Malua. Because if it was Malua, it would lend itself to poetry. If one was... A new album of Katie Malua, I can only describe it as autumn manure I haven't heard it by the way, it's probably brilliant

ok, so yeah, so that's it with me magazines now, from now on I'm throwing all the books out I might burn them all this afternoon yeah exactly, I've put my armband on. That's Blondie.

Yeah, what I'm going to do is just stand deleting them from my Kindle. The modern way of protesting. Son's armband. No, I'm not... Slightly less symbolic. You know, I've thought this before. You just hear the deleted files going. Exactly.

If the Nazis had happened today, that's what they'd have done. They'd have started deleting files from their Kindle. Burning, yeah. Anyway, so I nearly said burning Ewoks. I don't want you to stop reading. No, you know, I've always come back. I love seeing you with a

potboiler. When I, yeah, but, you know, I've settled down now. I, yeah, I've got nothing against those women, but it was a phase in my life. I fancy a digest as well. Don't you ever look at a reader's digest and think there must be good stuff in there?

Well, I think we know who looks at a reader's digest. Oh, of course. And thinks there must be good stuff in there. What was the column called? I forgot you had a column. Little... Little Epiphanies, that was it, wasn't it? Little Epiphanies. Alan Cochran's Reader's Digest column.

Yeah. No longer with us. No, but the thing is, when I think of buying a Reader's Digest, I don't think of a newsagent, I think of an Oxfam shop. It's that kind of thing. Yeah, that's my natural terrain, isn't it? Yeah, so I might try that. I like it.

Quite piano teachers, aren't they? But, you know, I thought this when I got Kindle, that I wouldn't buy another I like it. Quite piano teachers, aren't they? But, you know, I thought this when I got Kindle that I wouldn't buy another book, and then I did it, and then I went in a bookshop and I just went straight back to it. So we'll see, but I like the idea of being the magazine man. If anyone knows any really interesting and odd magazines, by the way, do feel free to recommend.

No, come on, I don't want any of that. Not my age. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with E. Dean and A. Cochran. You can text the show on 8-12-15 or follow the show on Twitter

with a hey no no no at Frank on the radio or you can email the absolute radio website hi hi hi

hi hi Is that done? Is it over? That's alright, I think it sounded like the traditional feel to it. Given Mm-hmm. Well, it is. That's all right. I think it sounded like the traditional feel to it. Given what you said about my singing last week. Yeah. I enjoyed that.

I enjoyed both, Emily. Thank you. But I enjoyed that, Frank. Thank you, Alan. You're a good man. Tickets for, as I say, tickets for Alan Cochran. Tickets still available, probably. At the stand, is it?

It is at the stand. At the stand in Edinburgh. OK. This is a rare plugging moment on this show. We don't do that sort of thing much. Well, I think, you know, I'm trying to raise you up. Gerry Halliwell gave me the idea. He said, lift me up.

Yeah, lift me up. Lift me up. Raised me up was Josh Grodin, or whatever his name is. Don't say I don't know who that is. You're on a chat show on the same show. Oh, lift me up. Raise me up with Josh Grodin or whatever his name is. Don't say I don't know who that is. You're on a chat show on the same show. Oh, yes. Hey. Groban. Speaking of Gerry Halliwell, who of all the celebrities do you think lies in bed

thinking about what to wear the next day? Hmm. It's not Gerry Halliwell. Jeremy Clarkson? Yeah, definitely. Okay. What about Richard Hammond? No, surely they both just have, like, bootcut jeans on the side, ready there.

Boom. Yeah. Okay. And a disgusting shirt. And pendants. Yeah, and a pendant. Is it gawk? It's, er, I'm going to tell you it's Posh Spice.

Okay. Which, I was reading this, and I thought, Posh Spice. I thought, oh, Saffron. That's a Posh Spice, isn't it, that we don't use very often? Funny her real name was Saffron. But then I thought, is that a joke that's in Ab Fab? Is that why there's a character in it called Saffron? Is that a Posh Spice joke?

No, you're overthinking it. Am I? I like the idea. You want a bit of banjo joke. No, if you ever do a thesis on absolutely fabulous that's the kind of thing you can develop you think you might do that no no i'm not gonna do a thesis on absolutely fabulous i liked all her little habits she did this interview and she said she said she doesn't do the washing up yeah is that is that is that a shock who does i mean except for

coronation street you can't no one does the washing up. Everyone's got a dishwasher. You can't imagine posh boys putting the old yellow marigolds on, can you? No. Not in the kitchen. I like the fact that she's got an apron that says that she doesn't wash up. That's cool. When does she wear it? I don't know.

None of your beeswax. She eats bee pollen. Oh, I've ate bee pollen. Oh, how was it? Was it super hot? No, eats um bee pollen oh i've had um i've had bee pollen oh how was it super no no bee pollen um it's actually all right but i felt a bit bad about eating it because i thought you know this surely this serves a very important purpose in chinese restaurants when you order because well it's so good for your skin it's's the elixir, yeah. It's the bee pollen. But do you know how long it takes the bees to gather enough, one portion that you had, that's an eight-hour day for a month.

Yeah, but there's loads of them. There's loads of them and they're working away. There's less of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So is it frowned upon by ecological folk to eat bee pollen? I don't know. I just know what fashion folk are. I don't know, I just know what fashion folk buy. I don't know about those beetles. Well, Victoria says, 22 amino acids, 12 vitamins, 28 minerals.

Please don't write that, I'm completely mad. We don't want wrinkles. So, you know, if other people... We don't want wrinkles, we want winkles. That's what she should have said. She'd be moving on to a seafood diet thing. I'm presuming, it sounds like she's rapping. Is she rapping now?

Is that what she was doing she was rapping to the 28 vitamins i bet she does wrap around the house i wouldn't be surprised i just not wrap around the house obviously no like not too thin for that yeah not like mr fantastic but um 899 birthday cake from m&s for david what i love that i thought you loved that i thought it said it was 8 39. oh did you think it was one of your little number things i thought i thought i'm gonna have to go to m&s 39 it is 839. there you go they've taken a maverick pricing yeah which i thought i'm going to go there because they're people who think a bit differently unless it was actually 899 at first and she just bought

it with one of those stickers on it because it was like pushing its sell by day. She wouldn't do it. That would be brilliant. I imagine her bony fingers would pierce the casing and she'd be caught. It was a strange story, but we'll come back to it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text just come in from 104.

Frank, I'm worried about Emily. There's a lot of talk from her today about eating biscuits and cake. This is what happens when you meet the boyfriend. You're going to pull the ripcord, as you would say. Oh, yeah. I'm going for it. I don't know if that's the best idea. This is why I admire the homosexuals. They can be together for years and still go to the gymnasium every

day. Extrasexuals, they don't have that kind of... How is Lance? How is Lance? Lance and the guys. Well, he's keeping a low profile. What about him? I'd rather not mention that particular gentleman the way he's been at the moment. Gentlemen!

Gentlemen! Nevertheless! Sorry I brought him up. So we're talking about VB. Yeah. Can I tell you what... I remember when she was VA. Oh, yeah. Victoria Adams.

And I spoke to a pop star who I won't name. I must have told you this. Who went to her parents' house. She still lived with her parents. Right. And they were... They were... And I say this with some affection.

They were nouveau riche because I'm nouveau riche myself most people are well what is it Michael Heseltine says if you have to buy your own furniture you're nouveau riche is that the first time

Michael Heseltine has been quoted on this show it's definitely the first or second it will not be the last. No. And that's fine. I've made up my mind. Oh, no, I do apologise. Alan Clarke said it about Michael Heseltine.

Michael Heseltine's been misquoted. It was Alan Clarke who said it. Anyway, they had to go and pick Victoria up from the Addams family. Not from the Addams family. That was like a film. And they had like a big house with a bit of mock Tudor outside. You know those sort of posh houses you see in the suburbs?

Yeah. And in the hallway they had a suit of armour. Did they? Yeah, I love that. That's someone who thinks it's a castle to us. That's nice. Oh, lovely. She said the house is full of Jo Malone candles, she said, didn't she?

She did, yeah. And I don't know that, if you see Posh of late, she's always dressed in black and looking very moody. I wouldn't want her appearing behind a table of candles late at night, would you? It's like being in Castle Dracula. Kids must be frightened to death when she pops up. Bedtime, I think. What about when she said she spends hours in bed thinking about what to wear the next morning?

I like that. I related to that so much. You have no idea. In fact, only the other week, that reminded me, Frank, you asked me that self-same question. Do you recall this? Do I? You were looking at a photograph of Simon Cowell in the newspaper.

Well, yes. Business as usual. You felt that his outfits, perhaps, he didn't put much time, care and attention into. Well, it's a loosely fitted white shirt, you know, and jeans. Who cut jeans? And often misjudged black shoes.

Yeah. And yes, how long did you say you took? I can't remember. You can't help that. It's like a disability thing. Took quite a long time, didn't you? Didn't know that. And you told me how long do you take thinking about your clothes.

So up to, it can be 45 minutes. Wow. I mean, I spent about 20 minutes tossing up between two platform wedges. Really? Mm. Do you mean you stood between them tossing up? No, I think I open my eyes to think about the clothes. OK.

Sometimes I'll get up and I'll go, oh, and I'll have like a numbskull's inspiration. Yeah. And I have to open the wardrobe to see if the blouse, for example, I need is dry cleaned and ready. Okay. I have to say, I mean, it'd be easy to think, well, you know, Emily's very shallow because she works in the fashion industry. But I give quite a bit of thought to my... Do you? Yeah, I do. And the good thing is you'd never know it.

No. That's it. And that's? Yeah, I do. And the good thing is you'd never know it. I'd know it. That's it. And that's the trick, I must say. I think we'll come back to this because one of our obligations, of course, is advertising. And I think you're actually quite like it. It's better than some of the...

It's better than playing police, I always say. It's an old saying in radio. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in from Tom. Can you tell Emily that her presumption that nobody does the washing up is wholly incorrect?

As I stand here in my Commander Bermuda shorts... Sorry, just unzipping my jacket. Oh, right. Is that the mention of his Commander Bermuda shorts... Sorry, just unzipping my jacket. Oh, right. Is that the mention of his Commander Bermuda shorts? Probably not exactly what Frank is wearing. Yeah. He means, yeah, with the... He doesn't mean without pants.

I think he might. He means as worn by a Commander. Oh, I'm not sure that's what he does mean. Okay. As I stand here in my Bermuda shorts, doing the washing up whilst listening to your show and dreaming of the day I have a dishwasher, the day I have a dishwasher will be the day i can honestly say i've made it in life it's good to aim hi tom good to see you i love tom i thought the dishwasher would get rid of

the rouse about the washing you would think so but daisy the producer just announced on i banned the dishwasher in our house yeah she won't allow't allow it. She says it's too expensive. Too juicy, innit? It's too juicy. Well, I'm a fan of the dishwasher. Well, I don't know. I really feel when I've, not so much filling it, but emptying. When I empty the dishwasher and put everything in its place. Oh, love it. I really feel like I've done some proper hardcore housework.

Do you? Yeah. When I redistribute it to its correct places, it feels so orderly and proper. Oh, I love it. Do you want to come round and we can unload my dishwasher together? Wow. Well, the trouble is, though... Then she'll spit on your leg.

What I like about doing it at home is that I then say, oh, yeah, I've emptied the dishwasher. As if it's like, you know, don't worry about that. What I'm saying is, you know what? I've emptied the dishwasher. As if it's like, you know, don't worry about that. What I'm saying is, you know what? I've emptied the dishwasher, ladies and gentlemen. I'm waiting for just that little bit of, oh, thanks, well done. Oh, good, you've emptied the dishwasher. Those little moments are what keep me going at home.

And I get the reverse of that. I get my wife walking into the kitchen and going, that could have gone straight in the dishwasher. You know, when I've just put it on the top and walked off. Well, that's also true. But what happens is, you see, people leave the clean stuff in there and then you think, when I've just put it on the top and walked off. Well, that's also true. But what happens is you see people leave the clean stuff in there and then you think, you're going to put a dirty plate in there and you think

oops! Still clean stuff in there. Can I ask a personal question? Do you prefer the loading or the unloading? Oh, the unloading. The unloading is work. The loading is a treat. Well, yeah, that's what I think. I actually look for, I save up the loading. You know that little box thing that holds the cutlery?

Do I ever. With the individual slots for the forks and spoons? With individual slots. I put them in now from further and further away as I've got more confidence. I'm putting the knives in now from, say, three, four feet away. Wow. Oh, I've filled the power. Imagine him loading a dishwasher.

Yeah, I've just realised that feel the power is a pun. Oh, yeah. Feel the power. Oh, yeah. It's what we used to call on the show an idiotic eureka moment when you get something many, many years after everyone else has already done it. Wow. And even his

song is, feel the power. I've still never got it. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, Kerry, who's helping us out today, yes, I've given her a mention. Why not? She posted a picture of you on our... Where was it, Kerry?

I was relaxing in between tracks. You say relaxing. You were sitting hunched up next to a dustbin, a silver dustbin looking not unlike Gollum, wearing a hoodie. Well, as I said, relaxing. It belongs to the producer of the show. Well, it's cold in here. I came in dressed for summer

today and Daisy's loaned me her... I say loaned me, it's contract week. She said, why don't you take my hoodie and anything else you want. Is that Drake or Raleigh? I never can remember. It's Raleigh who laid down the cloak for Elizabeth I. It probably never happened. That's feisty.

Mark Bloodsport has said on Twitter Mark Bloodsport has said on Twitter... Mark Bloodsport? Yes. OK. Has said on Twitter, commenting on the photograph... I'll beat you to that, Prince Charles is soothing him. Yeah. Has called it Obi-Wan Kenobi and R2-D2, the wasted years.

Do check it out, the photograph. Yes, I can see that. I have something of the Guinness about me. Yeah, something of the Guinness. You mean the aleck, though, don't you? I do mean the aleck. Certainly not me. The cold stuff.

No, no, no. You are sat on the floor next to a bin, so I suppose there could be something of the Guinness about you. I was interested to read that Posh Boys said that her main meal of the day, she steams vegetables and then she just leans over and inhales the vapour. Is that right? Yeah, that's her big meal. Right. And no wonder she doesn't do the

washing up then if she's not eating. It's fine isn't it? Well, who washes the steamer? That's my version of who pays the ferryman. Who washes the steamer? They're all nautical based. They're just different types of craft. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've established that Victoria Beckham and I both lie awake at night for some hours pondering wardrobe decisions. Yes. And I was startled to hear that you do similar. Well, do you know what I've done? I've got...

There was a photo of me in one of the magazines, Fall Length. Was there? And I arrive in... Is that the name of the magazine, Fall Length? I was arriving at the premiere.

And I cut it out and had it mounted on card. And what I i do now it's on my bedside table i've i've had all my clothes photographed to that scale with little tabs on like when you used to hang clothes on in the little girls in bonte oh yeah and uh every night when i go to bed i i get out my little filing system of all you you know, shirts. Yeah. And I dress that little figure, and then I model what, you know, I plan ahead. So you sort of storyboard your next day. Yeah.

Sometime I'll have a last, you know, I'll put the light off and lie there and think, you know what, I'm not happy. I'm not happy with that shit. And I'll wake, I'll put the light back on and switch it. Do you know what the amazing thing is? He puts all that effort in, then he thinks, oh, I'll just wear that suit I wore in Room 101.

Exactly. Now, in reality, as I think I've said on this show before, I do lay out my clothes the night before. Oh, I find that so heartbreaking. And I put them on the bedroom chair and I put them, like I make a man out of them, a me-sized man. It's like the Keep Britain Tidy man. Yeah, so the trousers are there and the shirt slightly

i mean i must admit although i tend to top my shirt in i let the man on the the bedroom chair he's a bit more cash he wears them outside but yeah so i i do have that sentinel that watches over me in the night my next day would you ever leave it to chance the next morning i don't like leaving anything to chance the next morning i I actually, I, I, um, my contact lenses, and here's a bit of information you'll be thrilled by, are minus 250 in the right eye, minus 125 in the left. Hang on, fact fans.

Yeah, I even, I even, um, There's quite a discrepancy between your eyes. Yeah, I even set, there's an explanation for this, it's to do with a very focal theme. Nevertheless, I, um, I actually break off one one of those and i put them on the side of the sink in order so that the left is on the left and the right on the right and anything i have to take with me i put literally against the door so i can't get out the door

without seeing it so i don't forget anything really do you so before i go to bed such a doctor who my next morning my next morning is utterly, utterly planned. It's pre-planned. Wow. See, I read this... Once, I remember. Can I just say this? Go on, yeah.

Once, I'd forgotten to facial scrub. So what I did... Oh, no. That night, I went down into the shower and put the facial scrub in the middle of the floor on the shower. And I thought, I can't possibly miss that anymore. Of course, it worked a treat. Plan ahead, that is. Like some sort of

strange eternal flame. Yes. Well I read that Victoria Beckham lies awake at night wondering about what to wear the next day and I just thought well she should because that's sort of her job isn't it? Yeah. She's a globetrotting. Oh that's her job. She's a globetrotting clothes horse now. Yeah. Whereas

I perhaps shouldn't. Is she ever a globes galloping? Yeah, something like that. I lie in bed thinking about different versions of myself, where I'm stronger or fitter or better at fighting or funnier. Do you? Oh, I do that as well. Oh, good. You've got time for that in your life as well.

Not about me, about you. Bob Lundin. Hang on, I'm going to devote 10 minutes to alan's improvement meditation yeah um i imagined you this morning with a full mohawk oh yeah those were the days shall i get one just before the edinburgh festival you know i didn't color it in i left it in your natural air color which is quite people often think would forgive the mohawk and might as well go red i left it in your sort of dirty... I imagine maybe you'll come in one morning

with quite a dark, fake tan. Yeah. I just can see you getting into that. You know, I'm going to start wearing a lot of jewellery. I'm going to go for the full mare-like, jingle-jangle look. I'd love that. But my actual clothing on a non-working day, you know, if I'm not here,

where most of the time on this show I would wake up in a hotel, so I would get dressed according to what I brought away with me. So I do occasionally put my trousers and shirt on a chair, not set up like a man, I'm not a weirdo. Don't give me that look. But at home, I dress according to what is on the floor and least crushed and dirty. Do you keep the clothes on the floor?

I just tip it off the bed at night and onto the floor and least crushed and dirty. Do you keep the clothes on the floor? I just tip it off the bed at night and onto the floor and then I get in. That's very The Men Commandments. I am a bit like that, actually. It's one of my favourites. Oh, ain't it when men say this is what men are supposed to be like? I didn't say that. When women say, I love shopping and shoes and pink.

Didn't say any of that. I love shopping and shoes. I'll get my coat, shall I? It's like the stereotype. I have to say, I spoke to some women who I was working with yesterday about them preparing their clothes. And they said it was mainly based on who they thought they were going to see the next day.

100% agree. It was based on that. Wow, nodding from around the room. Yeah, and a lot of them are in, you know, they're women who have, you know, got sort of authority at work. And a woman said to me after, the producer of the show, said, you know, I just walked in and you were talking to the girls and I heard you say, yes, but can one wield authority

with spaghetti strips? Can't be right, can it? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Dear Frank, Emily and Alan brackets mostly Emily I'm starting a new job Can I say I love this email

I'm starting a new job Me too, I've psychologically got my feet up I'm thinking I don't need to say out except read this I'm starting a new job Can I just stop the action then so that Alan said out Eh? You don't need to say out except read this. I'm starting a new job. Can I just stop the action then so that Alan said out? Eh? It's only to say out.

You rarely get that, Yorkshire. I didn't even realise I'd done it. That was a bit. I could see the three of us sort of walking over fields, one of us with a walking stick. Me with the boot on. I think I'd make a good compo this morning in this outfit. I'm starting a new job lecturing at a college and I'm confused about what I should be wearing.

Yeah, congratulations. That's all tough. I'm 23 and shaped like the Divine Miss M. Congratulations. Short, size 8, small waist, larger bottom. Lovely. Bottom has been mentioned. I think we've got away with it.

All the age-appropriate workwear I find to look a bit business manager on a date. Not a good reference. I need some divine wisdom, otherwise there's going to be some awkward staff room comments. P.S. I'm a fellow member of the Catholic Church and feel like Frank should have a vested interest in my appearance not being of a seductress of teenage boys. We can't deal with more bad press. Best wishes, Ruby.

OK, Ruby. You can't do too saucy press. No, you can't. Best wishes, Ruby. Okay, Ruby. You can't do too saucy, as you say, if you're an extra. I can't do too saucy, but you don't want to go apprentice candidate. This is what I always say. Good call. So, as much as I love orders, let's not go down that road with your job, with your calling. No. I would say you can't really go wrong with a summer dress.

Oh. Just be careful of the underwear underneath. Presumably. And make sure it's wasted. You i we need to turn up wasted my underwear is pretty wasted it's it's virtually a toxic dump maybe it's all about accentuating the positive with our bodies not if she's teaching teenage boys. No, she needs to lose the... They've got to learn early. I mean, I am a

big fan of the Derriere Grand, but... No, you're not. Your ideal woman is Zola Budd. No, that was way back. I've changed since then. And I sort of like their white D. But I think if you're short

and narrow waist, large behind, I'm thinking maybe a Dalek suit. Oh, yeah. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. What about Nugget's just texted us? Oh, our old friend. I tell you, I met Nugget when I was us? Oh, our old friend. I'll tell you who I met Nugget when I was on tour. You did?

Yeah. You did? He's a handsome fellow. I didn't expect that. I thought he'd... I was thinking... What were you saying about our readers? I think he'd be...

No, I think I got mixed... There used to be a Nugget on Big Brother, I think, who was a sort of a pale cockney chap who thought, I'll wear a hat and that will make me interesting. Oh, one of those. We've all got our methods for making ourselves interesting. Mine is, I think I used it today,

oh, yeah, I did German at school. Oh, yeah. You've always dropped that one in. See, most people did French and a lot of people got, oh, no. And I think Daisy actually said, oh, did you? Did German at school. It did make you quite interesting. Yeah, that's it for me.

So if anyone, any readers would like to let us know what makes you interesting. That one thing you like to drop in that makes you a bit interesting. Yeah.

I mean, I can't really, we all know what mine is. I'd like to know what would be interesting. Triffids. I think so, yeah. Yeah, I don't think you know the top there.

Yeah. The BBC haven't. They haven't. They haven't. That and when I had to make small talk with Salman Rushdie during his fatwa oh so Nugget I hate speaking to people through a door

Nugget yeah there was no door trust me Nugget says having seen the photograph of you Frank which we posted wearing the hoodie with your knees out says I've this urge to take a sharpie and draw Nora Batty's face on your left knee

and perhaps Hilda Ogden on the other one well that's a nice idea what's it saying about the state of your knees I don't know but I think that's Doc Cotton in the middle anyway oh my absolute god maybe we should absolute god is a channel we're working on for Absolute as well, isn't it?

I certainly is. Just Sundays. I've been pushing that Absolute God. And I've said, you know, we'll be like, God only knows by the... Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Yeah, Kasabian's thingy in heaven thing. Oh, yeah. This monkey's gone to heaven by...

Anyway, don't send any more in. It's not that kind of radio show. You just send song titles in. It has to be clever. Par example... Does it? I met Evie this week, who... I was working on...

You know, I'm doing a portrait show at the moment. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was in Cardiff, and there was a girl who was, she was one of the people working on the show. We use local people, you know. Crew? Yeah, crew.

All right, League of Gentlemen. And she leaned across to me and said, Surely, Bassie. I said, sorry, she said, Surely, Bassie. She said, long-time reader. Oh, I love her. We were talking about tribute acts' names, and she was suggesting Shirley Bassey would be a good one.

Very good. But I like how she ID'd herself as long-time reader. Me too. Nice. It's lovely, isn't it, that? Yeah. Still a part of it that thinks, even though we get texts that no one's listening. Yeah i think the texts are sent by my agent to up my morale

but no there aren't real people they're far too wordy for anything your agent would say yes my agent leaves messages like frank's jump that's honestly one of his phone messages and you think that he thinks it's part of his job to keep up your morale by texting a commercial radio station. He's somewhat busier, isn't he? He doesn't like it if I do that. You know, sometimes I've got into the habit when I call people, I think,

well, I don't want to talk about it on the message particularly, so I'll just leave nothing and they'll get missed call. Oh, I hate it when you do that. He's anti that. Surely, if you're gonna go oh frank is jump you might you might as well just go miss calling yeah i i don't know why people i'm all for um i found back all my missed calls and i say i've got way too many for that. And I must say, my PPI person is absolutely... If anything, they've upped the ante on their defence. Yeah.

It's lovely to feel watched over, I must say. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We are still in email corner, Frank. Yes. An email corner, Frank. Yes. We've had an email in from Nick, who says this. We have a transvestite cover artist here in Cardiff,

because you were in Cardiff. Yeah. You were saying recently, that goes under the moniker Dolly the Sheep Parton. That's from Nick. I like it. But Dolly the Sheep was named after Dolly Parton. Is that right? I saw Dolly the Sheep was named after Dolly Parton. Is that right?

In fact, I saw Dolly the Sheep recently. Did you? How was she? Yeah. She says hello. Now, she's in the National Museum of Scotland in Edinburgh. That's right. Is that right?

Yeah. Not far from the NASA landing module that lands on land instead of in the sea and has wheels on it. No. Do you like them apples? Sounds amazing. That's a good name, though. I like that. It is a good... I like...

After the Shirley Bassey conversation, I was on the train thinking about the whole... Tribute Act thing. It seems that there is a clear formula, isn't it? Because they're sort of um not real versions yeah that you take you just take a word that means um unreal and then you change that so once you've got that formula you can rattle them off on the train in the space of 10 minutes I came up with even more Sham 69. Nice.

Oh, yeah. Phony Braxton. Forgery Halliwell. Forgery Halliwell. Oh, yeah, Forgery Halliwell. Yours are quite complicated, if you don't mind me saying. Fraudy Mercury. Fraudy Mercury's good, yeah.

Now, this one, I couldn't work out whether this... Do you think this works?edo suedo suedo it's based on pseudo oh no that doesn't work okay all right i think they're quite fine though well if you were doing much if it was a tribute band for suede you could do something like chammy you'd have to have the same letterhead and And you could spell it S-H-A-M, Shammy, because it's a sham version. Yeah, yeah. Oh! Scotchgard, it could be called.

Scotchgard. Meaning that you're protecting Swade, protecting their legacy. I love that. Bit of a spray on that on Big Ron's full-length leather. Yeah, when I go round David Baddiel's house, I cry because he has three cats and I've become allergic to cats in later life. If, and I'm not saying he'd agree to this, but if I Scotchgarded them. Yeah. You can't Scotchgard animals.

I don't think it's dangerous, is it? I don't know. Can I say absolute radio isn't sure whether Scotchgarding animals is dangerous, so don't do it until they've looked into it. I don't think I... Because it's their dander, obviously, that's affecting me. Their dander gets up your nose. Yeah, and so I think that would keep their dander in place if I Scotchgarded them. I don't want to do anything that harms them,

can I make that absolutely clear? If it doesn't harm them, I'm all for it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'd like to talk about a subject close to my heart. There's been a news story that... Is it an aorta? An aorta? I thought you were

going to say an ill then. Is it pound shop related? Oh, come, come, my lady. come, come, my lady. Come, come, my lady. I don't know if you've heard about this story that the school sent a letter out saying that it was proud of their children's attempts in the test and not to worry too much about it.

I'll tell you what. It's gone viral. It's gone viral, man. When I was at the Royal Academy of Arts yesterday, people were talking about people were talking about this yeah, the head

teacher, Rachel Tomlinson has been absolutely astounded by the reaction, she found a letter on a blog from America and she basically cut and pasted it to her own needs. Some of the angrier comments on a news article I read said, oh, she even plagiarised the letter, what kind of lesson is that to the children? And I thought, well, that's how we learn things,

isn't it? You hear something and then you tell somebody else it. I know, but it's about exams, the letter. Yeah. Well, it's about how you don't have to worry about exams. No, you don't have to worry about exams. I didn't take it that way. They are told this with an example of copying perhaps the biggest sin that one can commit in an exam.

Oh, you guys are going the other way on this, aren't you? You're going to go... No, when I read it... You know what? I don't care how many friends my surgeon has had at school. I want him to have paid attention. Really? And I just don't like the way they seem to be advocating.

Your sturgeon, did you say? My sturgeon. Oh, sorry. And my sturgeon. I thought you had a sturgeon. Obviously, it was in a school of fish. Yeah. Connected to my trout farm.

No, I'm afraid I don't subscribe to this. It's a bit namby-pamby for me, I'm afraid. Right. I disagree, because I have long said that I think academic achievements are important only as regards academic achievements. There's the rest of the person that is also to be taken up.

Like, some of the best educated people I've ever met are among the worst people I've ever met. Yeah, but they always buy dinner, don't they? No, no, they don't. It's funny you should say that. I met Richard Dawkins this week. Oh, yeah.

We'll leave it there. Well, I think you're living in cloud cuckoo land. I seriously think your GCSE results... Like 1970s old grandad's response. I think your GCSE results matter slightly less in life than your table manners. I really think, like, you need to close your mouth when you've got food in it, and that matters more than how you did in an exam when you were 16. Might as well be personal when he's sitting right in front of us.

Cut deep, why don't you? Oh, come on, wait a minute. You see, Al, where do you stand on people saying, I'm not an exam person? I'm fine with that. Oh, I can't bear people that say that. They've got to learn stuff. I'm not saying don't learn anything.

No, it's important. It's no good sending them a letter if they can't read it. Well, hey, I don't think even the headmaster is saying that. I think they're saying, look, you know, these examiners are only testing you on a certain thing. The rest of your life is also part of who you are, isn't it? Goodness sake. You know, I never thought I'd say this,

but already I'm starting to miss Michael Gove. If this is what the minute his back's turned over, everyone says, oh, it doesn't really matter about learning. You know, just calm. Never said that. Here's some clay. Never said that. Here's some clay. Never said that. Just take that clay and express yourself.

I mean, for God's sake, man. Making a damn fool of yourself. I don't think so. I admit I don't like... What do you think of the letter then, Frank? You know, when I first read the letter, I actually got slightly tearful. But it's been a hard week.

Yeah. But I did, because I loved the bit when they said the examiners don't know that you've got friends who love you and count on you and all that. And it was very, very nice. When I read that it had been copied, I don't mind it being copied. In the letter, there'd been brackets at the bottom

saying this was taken from a blog, blah, blah, blah. But the attempt to deceive young children into ignorance used for that method, I think is completely, well, as Michelle Thomas would say on my Learn French tapes, it's unacceptable. Ha, ha, ha.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So we're talking about that, er, the letter Yeah, I mean maybe I've just got a From the school saying you can mock about Maybe I've just, it's not quite what they were saying is it I'm getting touchy about it now

No you are, you're getting really irritable Maybe I've just got a soft spot for teachers at the moment because I've got a soft spot for teachers, don't put me on the anti-teachers list No, you guys are on the anti-teachers list after this. You know, last week... Are you suggesting we don't need teachers? I'm not. We can just get hippies.

But I will tell you this. Hippies! You know, they went on strike, what was it, last... Not Thursday, it's just gone, but the one before it. And everybody was jumping up and down in the media going, oh, costing the children a day of education. What about the childcare and all that? I have to say, my son, Cockrell Jr.,

a.k.a. little Lord Fauntleroy, he and I had a fantastic day. And I'd just like to thank the teachers for their militant action. I used to love a strike day. He's been really good recently. So this strike was coming up and I went, oh well let's go and get you, you said you wanted a basketball, let's go to that big sports shop and I'll

buy you a basketball. Went and bought him a basketball, then we had a hot dog. Sports Direct. It was a beautiful, decathlon actually. I have a Sports Direct one. As I've said, if I see anyone reciting a Sports Direct badge, I know that they are genuinely working class. Well maybe we go to

decathlon shows that have moved up a division. You're allowed to say that. Well, no, it's hard to spot the signs now, because when I... What are the signs now? When I was in the very bosom of the working class, you could just tell because we looked down at heel, but the working class now are often quite dressed.

Well dressed and stuff. Obviously, if you see an England shirt in a shopping mall, you know, where you're working. But I find the Sports Direct bag is the new symbol. It used to be. I find a lot of gel on the hair on a Saturday night is quite a giveaway. Well, in my childhood, it was the bucket in the bedroom, of course. But that's a story we're not going into on breakfast television.

It reminds me, you saying that, though, of the strikes. When I first started work, the power workers went on strike, and each area of Britain only had electricity for three or four days of the week, and the rest of it was just not. It was just in darkness. So they had to change people's working days. So I'd only just started...

We never had that in Highgate. Yeah, I'd only just started work. We always had electricity there. Well, we went a three-day week because we only had electricity for three days in our area. A bit like being French, I imagine. And I remember the local Labour Party were campaigning in the local election, and their slogan was, vote for Ted, have three days in bed.

Ted was the Tory MP. Obviously, I thought, oh, maybe I'll vote for Ted. He sounds like my kind of character. You've gone a bit Barrowford Primary School. Yeah, it was really it was interesting times. I mean literally three or four days

of the week with no street lights, nothing. See, I would listen if history was taught like that Frank Skinner's history audiobook I'd buy that, £12.99. Okay, well maybe I'll look into that. I'd go £9.99 but nothing more. Well tonight I'm going to party like it, £12.99. OK, well, maybe I'll look into that. I'd go £9.99, but nothing more. Well, tonight I'm going to party like it's £9.99,

and then we'll just think about this after. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have to raise the... Faders. The faders, yeah. So that, you know that we can speak but I borrowed Daisy's

at the producer's top and it's got thumb holes at the end of the sleeve you know people have thumb holes and I couldn't stretch my arms to the full extent so we were at mid volume I had to lean quite a long way

so I'm taking the thumbs out it's an interesting experiment but you know leave it to the kids So we were at mid-volume. I had to lean quite a long way off. So I'm taking the thumbs out. It's an interesting experiment. But, you know, leave it to the kids. Yeah. So me and Cockrell Jr., we went and got him a basketball, and then we went to a shop, and I bought myself a hoodie and two pairs of trainers. By quarter to 12 on teacher strike day,

I'd spent the best part of two hundred quid and I'm delighted to say it was great and then we went back to the house on various do you have a hoop to accompany this basketball? No I just wanted to practice dribbling on the little bit of paving

and we've made a makeshift hoop using stuff if everybody wants to practise dribbling, you should come and lean over my insect bite. Yeah. Daisy can give him some tips. I have to say, it's a bit American, isn't it? Yeah.

Or the basketball. Yeah. And then we went swimming. Well, you say that in a disapproving tone of voice. Well, it's the cricket season. Wouldn't it be lovely if he'd asked for a pair of pads, for example? I'll tell you what, if he gets into cricket, I will be so

sad about that. I will as well. It's a bit David Mello, isn't it? It's a profoundly boring bit. It's a bit Tory MP. Oh, no, Alan, don't say that. I really don't like it, honestly. I just don't like the people that like it. To me, it's the same planet as motorsports. Oh, no, it's so...

Look, we can't have this debate on air, but please let it go up. You brought it up. I know, but I feel... You're the one that said, I hope you're so good at cricket. Honestly, I feel like I might come to despise you. Please stop. This is like a fight club. I'm fine with it.

Oh, are you? This is like a really unattractive fight club. So I took him swimming, and then I bought him a massive donut and a can of lemonade, really. What, to stop him from sinking? No, just after it. I said, oh, do you want... They do have those live things there, you don't have to use donuts. I bought him presents, took him swimming and got him, like, jacked up on sugar.

It was almost like I'd been separated from him and I was spending a day with him. Yes, I've been a divorce. I was like, separated, Dad. I had a brilliant day, though. Really good. Thanks to the teachers. Well, access dads always do., separated dad. Had a brilliant day though. Really good. Thanks to the teachers. Access dads always do. Yeah, totally.

You put the effort in. And now the school term's finished. Except for my dad who took us to Lord's and we had to lie and say we'd been to the cinema.

Oh, that's child cruelty, isn't it? Yeah, we played with the rubbish. I'm afraid that Alan and the young Cockerell's day sounds like just

like an advert for truancy. Yeah. There was a bit of me that was thinking, why do we send him there? I've had a quiet week. I could have been hanging out with him.

You've just gone anti-school. You'll start that home learning thing. Home schooling, yeah. Did you take him to an arcade? No, that would have been... I'll do that next time they ever strike. Hopefully they'll keep it up. Home school.

The trouble is with the home schooling. You learn things at school that aren't just in the lessons. Yeah. And you don't get any of that with the home schooling. no let us take for example the dead leg you're not going to learn how to do that at home it might yeah what if you do i'm afraid it's a social services job true don't get to experience the vending machine hot chocolate oh i had i had a difficult one. My son, who's just over two now, for the first time he's actually made an announcement. He said, I don't like beans.

Oh, yeah. Green beans, you know, which is always a blow. Oh, yeah. And I said, oh, you like beans? He goes, I don't like beans. He knows his own mind. And I thought, why don't I play this? I'll say, Daddy really wants you to like beans.

And so I started by saying, well, do you like Daddy? And he went, no. And he said, no, I don't like Daddy. And I sort of laughed. Inside, I was dying. Like that time I had to pick up a Harvestman spider to show them that they weren't scary. I was inside, I was going,

Ah! Ah! It was on my hand, this spider. But I was trying to think, I don't want him to be frightened. Right. So I was going, look, it's lovely, this spider. It was hot and cold, shivers going up and down my... You could have grated cheese on it. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, we've been talking about cricket on Absolute Radio this morning, and it seems to be proving to be a very bonding issue for you two. They've fallen out over cricket, and I like it. I wouldn't say we've fallen out, we just have a stark difference. I'm prepared to celebrate our differences. Yeah, but you've sort of metaphorically turned your voice chair around on him.

Well, you know, I mean, I accept his liking of Albert. I think he could give a bit in my direction. Well, Timprisoner307 has emailed us. Morning, everyone. Morning, Peter. In the style of... Morning, Richie.

Richie Benno. I'm emailing from Lords this morning. I say this morning. He did send this some ten days, two weeks ago. But he could email from Lords this morning. Oh, is it still ongoing? There is a test match. Well, he says,

where do the MCC take on the rest of the world? Ah, yes. We are celebrating 200 years of cricket being played right on this patch of land. Can the team name any longer-serving homes of sport? First-time writer, long-time reader. No. Max Skinner.

No. So what should we do now? Is that it? Is it? No. Surely there's somewhere in rugby that rugby was invented. Yeah, but it's still being played there. That's the thing.

What's the oldest one? Everton's the oldest ground, isn't it? Is it? Yeah, I believe so, yeah. Scouts always tell you information like that. They're the oldest one? Everton's the oldest ground, isn't it? Is it? Yeah, I believe so, yeah. Scouts always tell you information like that. They're very proud. See, I know the highest ground. What is it? The Hawthorns. Nice promise.

No, I don't know. You know, I nearly bought a flat overlooking Lord's Cricket Ground. Did you? There's a thing called Lord's View. That's something we can all relate to, really. Yeah. Well, it was...

I must acknowledge this, because it was a pretty good view. I bet it was. You lost about, I'd say, 20% of the actual pitch, but you could see the rest of it. OK. But there was a flat upstairs, which was... Someone's banging. Someone wanted to come in, do you think?

No, that's all right. Did I tell you about my hostage? Oh, no. It's a long story. We'll discuss it off air. Upstairs, the flat, there was a much better flat. You could see the whole thing. And the guy, I said to the guy,

that's the flat you really want, isn't it, that one up there? And he said, yeah. He said, and the irony is they don't even like cricket. He said, it's Tatu live there, the Russian duo. He said it was bought by their management. I bet you rushed to put in an offer after that. Well, I did. They were one of your favourites.

That's not a lie. I mean, at the time, I'd say it would be probably Michael Vaughan as a captain. Imagine just watching Michael Vaughan hitting a four through extra cover and then looking up and there's Lena Katina in a bikini. Could you have a better day out than that? Well, I could. Yeah. Very easily.

I think the flat that's got the restricted views is probably worth more than the 100% view. I'm leaving. He's twisting the knife. I'm actually leaving. Eh? Eh? I say eh? Anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.