The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Bra removal

Episode Date: October 5, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank is joined by Emily and Steve. As well as the topic of bra removal they discuss Sinead O'Connor's open letter, Bercow's driving and the age old tradition of asking the time.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and I'm on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and wait for it, Steve Hall is with us this morning. You can text the show on 812.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. Steve! Good morning. Always a pleasure. Lovely to be in. The cockerel has been an actor.

The cockerel, can you believe it, is on location. Cockerel's going to get famous. I love it. And I'm going to spend so much more time with him. When I first got the email, I thought there was a line missing and that he was working on location, location, location. But no, he's in a mysterious sitcom, which I don't know if we're allowed

to talk about. I don't know if we are. I'm hoping that he's going to play an asthmatic in it. Yes, because he did play Jason the Asthmatic in it. Was it Casualty or Holby? I think it was Catweasel. No, it wasn't one of those. It was something... Do you know what, Frank? It was something less than one of those.

I know he's not here. Yes, it was always and everything, A&E. Oh, OK. I thought I was worried it might have been Doctors. My fear for Cockerell, well, I don't want him to go when he gets all famous because the sitcom is a bit string fellas. Do you know what I mean by that? Well, I think he's on the cusp.

We'll see how he is when he comes back. If he's suddenly all actor-y. But, you know... Was I wonderful, darling? How are you going to keep them down on the farm now that they've seen Paris? That's the question. You always say that.

Yeah, I know, but I know. That one I did an internet show, Edinburgh. Yeah, but, you know, I was sitting this morning and Emily was telling Steve Hall about all the new work projects that I don't know about. In slightly hushed tones, like not in front of Frank. It's a bit like A Star Is Born.

When the husband's career crumbles as the wife's become massive and in the end he has to walk into the ocean. I'll put your briefs on for that, won't you? I think he's wearing a full evening suit when he does it, James Mason. I thought he wore a bathrobe, but we'll discuss it.

Yeah, I've never seen the Christofferson-Stryson version. Oh, you've missed the treat. You know who was offered the Christofferson part? Not the cockerel. No, I think he was offered the Stryson part, but he wouldn't wear the nose. Oh, no. Who was offered it?

Elvis Presley was offered that part. And his manager, Colonel Tom Parker, said he didn't want Elvis playing some washed-up old pop star. No, the very idea. Yeah. OK, so... Can I start by asking your advice on this? I had... Not abused, but I had a bit of a nasty look from a van driver this week.

And what happened is I was crossing a zebra crossing. And I always make a point of saying thank you when a car stops. I know they're supposed to stop legally once my foot hits the crossing. But, you know, it makes the world go round, a bit of politeness. But I didn't. I didn't bother saying thank you because someone else was crossing from the other side and I saw that they'd said thank you.

Now, I'd have thought the etiquette is that that woman became our representative on the crossing. So once she'd said thank you, I didn't want to add a thank you. Because I'd have felt that my gesture would have had to have been a bit of a bigger version of what she'd done. Yes. And also, because you've got the cloak of celebrity, you might have looked like you were stealing her thunder a bit. Yeah, well, I don't know if this bloke would have necessarily recognised me. But I didn't wave, and he gave me that look

that sometimes you get when you don't wave. And I... Also, I never quite... I've started to do the smile instead of the wave. More... On the crossing? It's a bit like when you're bidding for an item in auction you start off waving your arms about but once once you know once you get further along that the the bidding yeah just a little little nod to the head is the love joy the love joy i feel i feel and i know you know some some people won't agree with this because it might sound a bit anti-feminist but i

don't care um if i'm all if i've got heels on and I'm all done up in my frock and a man stops for me, and I know that, let's say, probably 48% of the reason he stopped is to have a look. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, I know that. I totally know that's happening. I think you've got to give something back.

So I give them a treat and then I give them a nice smile and a wave. A little bit of sugar. What's the nature of the treat that you give them? Well, I turn round, I make them fall on in the face. Oh, OK. Flash a bit of garter. No! You don't do that Miley Cyrus tongue thing.

And just take a little bit of bird lime off the windscreen with it. Oh, just from the very point of the tongue. And then knock. You know, you get the very point of the tongue. And then knock, you know you get the sort of green worm in the bird line, knock that like people can with a cherry stalk. Wouldn't that be something? Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. You reminded me of at that time I was, I stopped at a zebra crossing. It was in the... It was about half one in the morning in London and some girls...

Bit late. Some party girls... What were you doing out that time? I was coming back from somewhere. I can't remember where. And anyway, they... And when they crossed the crossing, they all turned.

There was, what, four of them, I think, turned and all raised their tops as a sort of a thank you. They were wearing brassieres, if that's what you're thinking. But for weeks after, when anyone crossed any woman who crossed the zebra

crossing for to be and just nodded or waved, I'd think, is that it? I'm going to have to seriously up my game. Yeah, exactly. You reminded me of that with your, just the beacon that was flashing. I had actually, Hank, this is weird. This is crossing week because I had a weird incident at, I don't know if it was Zebra or Pedestrian,

I can never tell the difference, but I was looking at my GPS on my phone. I was very lost. I was in Parsons Green. I will never go there again. And a man, an estate agent was trying to help me um he just came up to me he said are you okay you're a bit lost did he have flames on the side of his car i don't know if this is a national phenomenon but in london certainly estate agents are given company cars that have things like flames on the side or sometimes there's that one it's like an x-ray of the workings of the car the flames to indicate that their path to hell is

that bit more swift they're usually like the new minis that kind of thing yes he was very new mini yeah he said look i work at estate agents i can help you so we were trying to look at the gps not nothing doing and he wandered off in the end. So I was near a crossing, not on a crossing, but quite near it. And a woman in a big Range Rover with dogs in the back. And she sort of swerved around. And she went, look, are you crossing? And I said, oh, no, no, no, don't worry.

And she went, I'm not worried. I just wish you'd make up your beeping mind. Oh, really, no, no, don't worry. And she went, I'm not worried. I just wish you'd make up your beeping mind. Oh, really? Yeah. And I thought, I wish there was a number you could ring the police. I wanted to ring the police to report her for rudeness. I wish there was a small handset you could press to make dogs attack the nearest person.

And she could have been hoisted by her own... What dogs were they? Labs. Christ. Hoisted by her own... What dogs were they? Labs. Christ. Hoisted by her own labs. That sounds very painful indeed. I don't know if they'd take the weight, I'll be honest with you. So, anyway.

So that was that. We've had some texts, haven't we? We've had some texts. Thank God for that. Well, we've had... Hi, Frank. we? We've had some texts. Thank God for that. Well, we've had... Hi, Frank. What did you think of Atlantis? Because you were all set to watch that.

I was very, very excited about Atlantis. Alison's got some views. Listen to what she's got to say and then share yours. I really wanted to enjoy it, but spent most of the programme really annoyed that Jason, washed up naked on the beach, stole not only some pants to cover his gentleman's excuse me, but the whole outfit.

Belt and leather wrist cuffs included. That's a very good point, actually. Because he was naked and someone had left some clothes, but he could have just had the basics. He didn't have to take the accessories. Well, maybe it was Russell Brand. It could have been his clothes. No, I think you'd rather go naked, wouldn't you?

I'll continue to watch but no i'll be stressed by trivial details i hope you enjoyed it that's from allison well i i haven't completed watching my recording of it yet and that's not a good sign you see i didn't i kept thinking oh but it isn't merlin was one of my uh problems but you know i have to get over that it's like that you know that new relationship when you keep having flashbacks to the previous one and think, yeah, but, you know, what's happened to our song? The good thing is you're the only person

in the country still saying, oh, I wish it was Merlin. I doubt that. I doubt that. And I'm sure our switchboard will be... And also Sandy Waugh next door, who's the cleverest person I know, is also agreeing with me with the thumbs up, so there

so shut your face Frank, what about 723? Frank, I totally agree with the Merlin quote best show around to fill my hole in my life and I'll dress up as Merlin every Saturday night and force my girlfriend to dress as Morgana and reenact battles. Hashtag Team Merlin. Respect.

Morgana, that was a handsome woman. I like how that text starts out supporting the show and ends a bit pervy. Yeah, but you know, that's it. That's it with Merlin. It's a springboard for all sorts of darkness we've also had 669 has uh objected that's it that sounds a bit diabolic borderline diabolic 669 it's a bit k jenkins yeah that started off diabolic and got a bit rude at the end that's the party bit of hell hey satan at the front party at the back like the mullet and johnny who was on 669 had said whoa what's wrong with parsons green

yeah well was that another saturday night popular saturday night fantasy drama i don't know i thought he was a character in cluedo i'm so sorry if I was rude about Parsons Green. It's just not my manner. No, okay. Okay. Well, your manner is to be rude. Yes, I don't even know Parsons Green. No. It's West, isn't it? I believe so. Remember, there's people listening to this who live

in, um... Albury. Opedica. And they don't want to hear a lot of London Londonisms. Yeah. What do you think it is, East End? It's not my problem. Carl and Joe have emailed us.

OK. Dear Skinner, Dean, Cochran, per the podcasting. Sorry about that, Steve Hall in the house. It's all fine. In response to Daisy and the Cockerels' favourite question, what are you doing now? Oh, that's all good. Now, this, I don't all if you know about this thing there's a lot daisy said to me why don't we have some some um more conventional phonemes now textings now and again rather than things like uh who's

your favorite member of the communist party um and so um how much does it cost to build a wall? Yeah, so we tried one week. What are you doing to... Why are you listening to this programme? What are you up to? And it actually didn't go that badly. No. But you never let her forget it. I felt a bit...

I felt a bit like a radio presenter. You felt a bit poxy. Yeah, I did. But, you know, I thought, you you know that's a bit snobby of me so um we could do what what did you do last night what about that hey hey guys what did you do last night hey you really want to do that with our listeners yeah i'll tell you what i did last night i had a night in yeah with my um i put the baby to bed and then my girlfriend and my mother-in-law. Lovely.

And we combined doing a crossword. So I've got my mother-in-law and me doing a crossword across the room while the three of us also watched Miss World 2013. Oh, lovely. Lovely. So it was a combination of the intellectual and the 70s. Who were you rooting for? It was who I was rooting for. Well, I, from the very

start, said Miss Philippines and blow me down if she didn't win it. I'm always a Venezuela fan. Oh, right. See, Kat said to me, Miss Philippines, I think she said hideous nose, she said. But she

won it, nevertheless. Which, if there's anyone listening with a hideous nose, you see? It's a possible trial for calm down. Don't let anything hold you back. Well, anyway, Carl and Joe, who asked this question, said, just letting you know, we are packing up

our house in Sydney to move to London on Wednesday. Looking forward to hearing you live in the same time zone next week. So as we're speaking to Carl and Jo, as we speak to them, they're sort of wrapping individual cops and stuff up. Having some of the bigger arguments their relationship will ever endure. That's quite a move, isn't it? What do you do? You don't bring it all over on a plane. I don't know, we've done it a few times. I'd just don't bring it all over on a plane. I don't know. We've done it a few times.

I'd just leave it and buy everything new. When my wife came over, my wife is an Australian lady. Most of it went on a ship. So she brought the essentials on the flight. Oh, I see. And then we got everything else about six months later. Okay.

In the end, in my end is my beginning. The answer has been given to me no sooner I've asked it. How wonderful. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We had a tweet, Frank, from Ella Marie. I love it. I love it so far.

I'm imagining her drinking Chardonnay. I think she was married to Elvis. It's just. I love it so far. I'm imagining her drinking Chardonnay. I think she was married to Elvis. It's just that kind of type of name. More like the daughter. On the tweets, her surname is Ella Marie Pye, as in P-I. So she's either a private investigator, or she means Pye in the sense that her name has no end.

Oh, yeah. She's got many recurring decimal places. I love Ella Marie P-I. Maybe she's their numerologist. Oh, yeah. She's got many referring decimal places. I love Ellemarie P.I. Maybe she's their numerologist. She could be. Ellemarie P.I., Pye, whoever you are. She said, and she's hashtagged it Team Frank, which is already she's off to a winner.

She said, this is referring back to a previous show, one that I was not present for, but I listened to the show. Do you? I'm up with it, yeah. I listened to the podcast. Okay. Okay, let's see. Is it quite... The second I questioned him, he backed down. The woman he listens to the show knows the show. Do you? I'm up with it, yeah. I listen to the podcast. Okay. Okay, let's see. The second I question him, he backed down. The moment he listens to the show, I know it's the podcast. Soon it'll be bits of the podcast.

Then somebody wants mentioned to him in the bar. I just get a... Cockerel gives me a synopsis. He's changed. Ellen Rees said, if it's one family at a time in the changing room, there should be a lock to keep others out to show the room is occupied.

Exactly right. In case there's any new readers this week or anyone who missed the last chapter, I went into the family changing room and I was taking my baby swimming. And there was a man and his baby in there and it was a bit cramped. And at one point he said, he's an American guy,

and he said, I guess this place isn't designed for two people. You expressed outrage. No, I said, I think we're doing pretty well. In fact, I was genial, which I think is the British way. And then when I mentioned this on the radio, I've got quite a lot of texts, people saying it's only supposed to be one family in the family changing room.

And I was some sort of interloper. But yes, I think that Ella Marie makes an excellent point. If it's one lock, why not have a lock on it like you would a toilet cubicle? I mean, I would not have gone into a toilet cubicle and done that. Unless it was Gerry Halliwell's. Gerry Halliwell apparently doesn't shut the door on her toilet cubicle because she's a bit claustrophobic.

I had someone burst in on me the other day. Did you? Yeah. I was at the install offices and I must have not locked the door. How can you forget to lock the door on your toilet? One of the very important things in life. The cleaner came in. Well, I find that cleaners now,

they just, they walk into, female cleaners walk into the men's toilets all the time. I did not say it was female. No. I did not say it was female. No, but I'm moving on. I'm developing. If you don't evolve in this world, you die.

I find that at one time there would be a bit of door knocking and that. And it's happened to me a couple of times in the last fortnight that I've been, let's say, in the vicinity of a urinal and a woman has come in with a bag of toilet rolls or something of the sort and just strolled past. You know, and I love it. But I know not everyone does. We've had some responses to the

what did you do last night question. Oh, right. I can't tell Frank what I did last night because he'll be sickened. Oh, goodness. Is it morally transgressive? Well, it's something he'll disapprove of. Okay. I watched, um, season five,

episode six, Broken Bird. Oh, of course you did. Yeah. Didn't everybody? I watched Miss World 2013. No, but Daisy and I discovered the cock was made a terrible mistake. He was saying, because it was big publicity. It was the last ever episode

of Breaking Bad. It was all over the American News. So it's finished now, Breaking Bad. Thank God for that. But I'm a bit behind. No, but Frank, it was the last ever episode. The cop said, I don't need to. I've seen it. I've seen them all. We need to get to the bottom of this. He lied. He hasn't seen them all. We said, but it hasn't aired yet, the last episode.

He goes, no, no, I've seen it. Yeah, but you know, current ways. Now he's probably in it. Now he's become a proper actor and stuff. What was we talking about? Sorry, Steve Hall. I was, no, people, what did they do last night? We've had quite a few responses. 739 has texted to say, what I did last night,

I played FIFA 14 and beat West Brom 8-2 as Everton. Ha, ha, ha. And the ha, ha, ha seems to imply that he thinks that's a result that happened in real life rather than on a computer game. Whereas I think the real result this season was Everton were unable to inflict victory over West Brom at Goodison.

Oh dear. And 550 has texted, what did my wife and I do last night? The answer is filth. No, not that. We watched a film with James McAvoy. Oh, did you? I can't watch that because Irving Wells once slagged off three lions.

Did he? Yeah. Is that because he had the rival, the big team, the screen team and the big man meet the army army uptown? No. He was a rival single. He had a single in... I don a rival single he had a single in i don't know single in 96 he was his call three lines

frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio now look something happened to me this week and i think i'll probably tell you, and you'll think, well, that's an unremarkable thing. Why even bother mentioning it when it's an everyday occurrence? To me, it's something that I can't remember the last time it happened to me, and it felt sort of retro and odd. And what happened is I was walking down the street

and there was a man sitting in a van parked and he leaned out the window and said excuse me um have you got the time and i thought i couldn't believe it i thought yeah i've got the time it's 1980 that's the last time someone asked me the time i thought is it possible in the modern world not to know because everyone's got a phone with the time, even if they don't have a watch. I would say it's hard to avoid the time. Yeah.

Well, I've been touring around the last month or so with Russell Howard quite a lot. Have you? And it's a fairly regular thing where people will ask him a mundane question just so that they've had an interaction with him. So that's quite a thing. A thing he gets quite a lot is, do you have the time?

Does he? Yeah. Oh, I don't think... I didn't get the impression from this bloke at all that it was a celebrity moment. I really felt he wanted to know the time. Did you tell him? Well, what I did was...

I don't know if this was a bit odd. I just pulled up my sleeve and I showed him my watch. Really close, quite close to his face. Did you? Oh, it was a bit of a passive-aggressive one. Because I was speechless at someone. It's like having a glass of milk. It's something that just doesn't happen to me anymore.

It never happens. Was it a van driver? It was a van driver, yeah. So, it made me think about the speaking clock. I sometimes ring the speaking clock. Do you really? Well, I do. That's what I was wondering about. Who on earth now rings the speaking clock?

Because I don't trust my phone sometimes, and I think it's slipping. This is what a control freak I am. I don't trust it, and I've been proven right on occasion. I know, but you can put in current time on Google. I still don't trust it. You don't trust it, and I've been proven right on occasion. No, but you can put in current time on Google. I still don't trust it. You don't trust that? No. It was always a fun thing to do, the speaking clock,

when the clocks went forward or back, or on New Year's Eve. That was a thing. Me and my brothers used to go crazy for that. While bringing the speaking clock? Just to hear him repeat himself or hear him skip an hour. It felt like the world was full of magic. Okay. I must remember that.

Then we got a computer and things moved on. Yeah, but I... Have I ever mentioned Dial-A-Disc on this show? Oh, I love Dial-A-Disc. 1-6-0. Dial-A-Disc. You used to phone up and they used to play a current chart here.

I did. I did. I did. But I didn't know anyone who had a phone then. Oh, why is that so heartbreaking? Go to a phone box, put money in, and stand for three minutes listening to Ball Park Incident by Wrightwood's Wizard, and then go. I was straight out of Strat.

Yeah, well, I was a bit before you, I suppose. Oh, Frank, that makes me so sad. I don't think... What an odd... It was like when they used to have booths in record shops where you listened to the record before you bought it. Yeah. But dial-a-disc, that stopped, presumably, because everyone's got...

Well, you can hear music on demand now, darling. You can. Anyway, I found it an an odd thing they asked me the time and it reminded me a bit when my dad came in with his hand all swollen up and he said that someone had asked him the time on the way back from the pub and uh he said i'm not falling for that old one and um he hit him and knocked him over a garden wall he told me crikey yeah so that bloke must have thought my dad had recently been fired from the voice

of the speaking clock. He was taking it really, really badly. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had a text, Frank, from 999. This is one of the drawbacks of the three number police have texted text, Frank, from 999. This is one of the drawbacks of the three-number. The police have texted us.

Frank, regarding people asking for the time, I was walking the dog one morning and a woman, who was obviously a bit worse for wear, asked me the time. When I said 7 o'clock, she stared at me for a while and then asked, is that in the morning or evening? See, I like that. That's like in Doctor Who

when you ask people what year it is and they look a bit nervous and like he's messing about. Wow, what a crazy party animal or mentally ill person that was. Do you know, I'm sure I've done that to people as well. Really? Why not now? I've sorted myself out, haven't I?

Oh, yeah. Frank, we've had another text in. Well, it's an email actually. It says a quiz for Frank and Steve. Oh, thanks a lot. Excellent. I'm very excited Steve Hall, aka Wikistivia is on today. Well, we all are. I hope you get to my email below

so that Frank and Steve can enjoy the quiz together. What quiz, I hear you ask? What quiz? Well, Frank has frequently said... I thought I'd help you out there. See, that's what teamwork's all about. I love that.

It's building radio. Yeah. Frank has frequently said he loves a quiz, but no-one seems to send genuine quiz questions. Well, I just think it'd be tedious for everyone listening. Well... How many has he sent? Nevertheless... And that's a she.

Oh, sorry. Chanel says... Chanel says... Chanel, brilliant. I bet number five will be a good question. I'm going to clap that, because I love to say my... Thank you. Any fashion reference you'll go for.

Is perfume fashion? That's this week's texting. Yes, very much so. What did you do last night and his perfume i've done my best to compile a few which might stretch his memory i hope this pleases him oh it's gonna be jane austen yes this pleases him sir anyway i'm gonna try a few on you frank okay i obviously won't just sit here asking questions all day. No, no, don't worry. Don't panic anymore. Who knitted the long scarf for Tom Baker's role in Doctor Who? Now, I don't know the name, but I think, if I remember the story rightly,

they gave a load of wool to an old woman, who somehow associated with the BBC. That sounds horrible. And she didn't realise that she wasn't supposed to use it all. So she just knitted and knitted and knitted until it was used up. When they brought it back, they all laughed that it was ridiculously long. People laughed at Christopher Columbus, to be fair. Did she think that the new Doctor Who was a giraffe?

Something like that. But then Tom stopped with it and made it work. Oh, Tom. I think, but I don't know who she... Is the answers on there? No. OK. But she's in communication with us,

so I've got another one for you. OK, we're better not do two, man. No, but I'm going to do one more. OK, do it. Which high school did Elvis Presley graduate from? Hume High School. Ooh, I love that you know that. Now, I've been to Hume High School.

I'm one of my Elvis pilgrimages. Okay. Yeah. It's quite a scary area. Is it? Is it? Scary area, I'm quite sure. That's a good bad word.

Yeah, I might do a TV show called Scary Area. It's a sort of a darker version of Panorama. Yeah. With a dark side of Pat Sharp's Funhouse. Yeah. It would have been a good album. It doesn't get darker. Pat Sharp's Scary Area. Wouldn't it have have been a good album. Doesn't get darker. Pat Sharp's Scary Area.

Wouldn't it have been a good album for Bananarama? Bananarama's Scary Area. Oh, someone's just reminded us on text. Scary Area coming at you, that could be our slogan. Oh no, that's been used. Frank641, I love Dial-A-Disc too, and I also love The Bedtime Story. Oh God, The Bedtime... Well, of course.

Well, you couldn't do that from the phone box. No, not unless I slept in the phone box. I only did that about eight times. That was in the days when our telephone number was only four digits long and we also shared a phone line with someone else up the street. Obviously, this isn't me speaking. So halfway through the story, a man would suddenly shout, I want to use the phone.

What was... Well, I'll tell use the phone. What was... Well, I'll tear this after because we've got to go into the news soon, but there used to be... Oh, just there used to be. We've lost all the youth. Tom Baker's scarf and dial-a-disc. Want your frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps,

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall this morning. You can text us on 8, 12, 15, many of you have, and you've been a rich source of interest and joy you can also tweet us on at frank on the radio

or email us direct through the absolute radio website and relax I tell you what these almonds are going down well yeah we've all gone almonds crazy. We've gone nuts. That's brilliant, though.

That's what we need round here. That's why my position on the subs bench is secure. Yes. No, I thought that was excellent. I think we're going to need you more and more, I think, now that the acting work's coming in for the cockerel. Anyway. Hey, listen to this, 793.

We were talking, you were talking about an incident you'd had where someone had asked you the time and you said it was extraordinary and a bit Terry Timewarp. And 793 said, I overheard a time request outside Starbucks in High Street, Kent when a young lady was left none the wiser because she didn't understand the response from a man I would guess to be in his 60s who replied

to her inquiry, 5 and 20 after 9. That's Noel from Wembley. I'm sure he wasn't from the 80s. We were talking about party lines, actually. Someone was talking about having a... Are we? A party line is when you... I was not talking

about that. No, it was when you... Not those. In the West Midlands in the 70s, a party line was a very different thing. It was when you used to share a phone line with someone else. It was cheaper. Really?

Yeah. What? Human beings? Yeah. So you'd... Sometimes... As the previous reader said, that you'd be on the line

and you'd hear, excuse me, you're going to be much longer. Just come into your phone call. That's awful. And sometimes you'd pick it up. Did they listen in, like the DEA or something? Did they listen to your conversation?

Well, I don't know. Sometimes you'd pick it up and they'd be mid-conversation. You'd think, I wonder if they've heard me picking up. Because it'd be quite nice just to listen to what they say. It was like the early days of Big Brother, in a way. Did you misuse it? Would it get abused by pranksters? I was always afraid that they would know

if I was listening or anything like that. Well, you're quite moral, you see, Frank, but I suspect others in the Birmingham area weren't. Well, bear in mind, it was our first ever... I was probably 15 or 16, I don't know, older than that, when we got our first phone. So the whole thing was... I remember my mum would answer the phone.

She'd hold the receiver about two foot from her face and go, hello? Hello? Like that. It was terrifying for anyone who called. And it would have been difficult for your dad to pick the receiver up with his swollen hand. Yeah, exactly. I don't remember him ever using it, actually. New fangled contraption, etc.

But yeah, the party line. Speaking of the party line. Oh. What about this? What about John Bercow? Oh, that's your mate as well. That was a beautiful segue. You were the creator supreme.

Thank you so much. John Bercow is the Speaker of the House of well. That was a beautiful segue. You were the creator supreme. Thank you so much. John Bercow is the Speaker of the House of Commons, as many of you will know. But I'm guessing not all of you. And he was involved in an altercation this week. It was a real... It was terrible, actually. A lady dashed out of a restaurant

and accused him of clipping her car when he parked. He was, yeah, because he was squeezing his Volvo into a tight spot. And she ran out. She was fuming, wasn't she? She was furious. She called him an arrogant toff.

Yes. Which I see as something of an aphrodisiac. Yeah. Arrogant toff sounds like, it's a bit like, you know the many, many abusive terms that end with the word off? It's like a sort of a cleaned up one. Why don't you just arrogant off? That's how you're going to be. I might start using that all the time.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about the speaker. Yes, John Bercow. We should say, in the interest of full disclosure, which I believe was Andrew Neil's autobiography title. Is that right? Yeah, it was, full disclosure. Let's hope it wasn't.

Frank is actually one of your friends with the Speaker, but you certainly got on very well with him when I saw you. You were all over him. I wouldn't go so far. My shadow was all over him. He's quite small. But we spoke for, what, five minutes? Oh, it was longer than that.

Oh, come on. You were all over him. You were overheard saying to him, it's great you're the Speaker of the House of Commons, you can crash into someone's car and get away with it. No, that's not true. Also, I mean, we don't know what happened here. Let's make that absolutely clear.

But this, the lady involved, who went out and also called him a little weasel, she called him after. That's so cruel. Badger or ferret, OK, but weasel. I think it was sizist, though. You wouldn't call the man who plays Jaws in, what do you call, Richard Keel? You wouldn't call him a weasel, would you?

Richard Keys. Richard Keys? Yeah. Oh, it was him, was it? Yeah. I wouldn't call him a weasel. He's got the pelt of one. No, but she, as soon as Mr. Bercow had gone off to do his charity event, which is why he was there, she, did you see the photographs of her?

And her, she's, yeah. She's posed for, she obviously thought, I'm going to the papers for this, and it's her leaning in the gap between the two cars. The fact there is a gap suggests, maybe there wasn't a problem. Well, her bag is on his bonnet. Yeah, I know. In the photo, she's... Well, more importantly... To be fair maybe there wasn't a problem. Well, her bag is on his bonnet. Yeah, I know. In the photo.

Well, more importantly... To be fair, it wasn't her maid's. But if you look, if you actually look, she drives a Range Rover. And you can look at these on, I don't encourage people to go to the Daily Mail website, but you can look at pictures of this lady. And her car is parked and the wheels are inside the white line, but the actual body of the car is sticking over the white line.

Is it? So I would say that she's been hoisted by her own PR. Frank, you're so right about the posing. You know what she was doing? She was doing Liz Hurley Premier Legs. She was posing in a very red carpet way. Yes, she was. The wording of the article

was quite interesting. Calling him an arrogant toffee is fairly unfair, given his dad was a cab driver, so he's not. Is that right? Actually, he probably did smash into the car. And also, I think he's allowed to urinate on the back wheel. Is that right? Sandy Waris nodding next door. Honestly,

we go on about with I'm not racist But Steve Wikipedia Hall He's not in the same league as Sandy War Remember that Walkopedia That's called He's a really interesting bloke Berker As a young boy

As a teenager he was Britain's number one Ranked junior tennis player I thought you were going to say Jew for a minute. I really did. As you're Jewish, I thought that would have been okay, but I still would have got a bit tense about it. And it's a thing you could believe existing, because we're

all about league tables and achievements. Exactly. David Baddiel, was he something like a best looking Jew? He was the sixth sexiest Jew in the UK. Yeah, exactly. But he was behind someone like Lord Sugar or something like a best-looking Jew? He was the sixth sexiest Jew in the UK. Yeah, exactly. Was he? But he was behind someone like Lord Sugar or someone like that.

Oh. That's a shame. That's a shame. Power is an aphrodisiac, yeah. Yeah. I say power. I'll tell you what's an aphrodisiac, an invite to the Amstrad Christmas party. That'll do it for me.

And Viagra, I think that's... Isn't that an aphrodisiac? Anyway, so that's the texting. Aphrodisiacs. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we're talking about John Bercow and his shenanigans this week. Yes.

I feel quite sorry for him. Really? Because it's quite a scary thing when you're confronted like that. Well, they stick together. Oh, goodness me. Once Steve heard about the vulva, he'd chosen his side. He said, it wasn't me. Yes, he did.

It was a bit of a shaggy defilement. He said it like that. It wasn't me. Because she accused him with the ferocity of an angry Scottish mother accusing her children of not being able to use the toilet properly. If you've seen that YouTube clip. I do and I can't. And he responded, and there's a wonderful delivery of it wasn't me

in that particular clip. I mean, we don't know what happened. I keep saying that. But I didn't warm to this lady. I didn't. With her fancy posing. What was the bag make? I think it was an Hermes. Hermes.

I don't have time to explain basic fashion constructions. All I'm saying is she wouldn't have spoken to Speaker Martin like that. Yes, yes. You know what he'd have said? What? I'm saying she wouldn't have spoken to Speaker Martin like that. Yes, yes. You know what he'd have said? What? Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

You've parked your car hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. To be fair as well, Frank, she was driving a Range Rover. And I think Range Rover drivers are a bit cigar smoker slash, you know, I don't pay my taxes for dot, dot, dot. Pastel shade sweater around the shoulder. Well, we don't want to generalise. I'm sure there my taxes for dot dot dot. Pastel, shade sweater around the shoulder. We don't want to generalise. I'm sure there's a lot of lovely people that drive round to our office. I'm just not sure she was one of them. In the news story, there's a few sentences in the news story that

implicitly sort of make a few comments about her. Things that are unnecessary. So one of the things it says, the 42 year old divorcee. As if to imply yes, she is very hard to live with. Things that are unnecessary. So one of the things it says, the 42-year-old divorcee. As if to imply, yes, she is very hard to live with. Yeah, that was a bit harsh. This is typical of Cleo.

They also named, they said what his salary was. Yeah, didn't they? Just so we can work out whether he's a bad parker or not. Can I guess what he's on? Go on. I reckon it was 152. It was about that, yeah. Oh, I didn't know he was a guest. I think it's 1-5-9.

Was it? Well remembered. Oh, my goodness. Well remembered. How about it? The other thing that... They should be like footballers. I want to know how much a week.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know how much a week. In the article, it said the incident happened at 20 past six in the early evening, and she reported it at 1am. Is that right? But the implication there was that she'd had a few vodkas. Well, no, she turned into... She's obviously sort of told a few people about it.

She turned into white wine, which it happens to us all. Can I repeat with saying that we don't... This is all speculation. She may be a lovely person. John Burkhead might have been in the wrong, or vice versa. Although I did feel it was a bit... When she said, he thinks he's above the law, he's not even above the dashboard.

He did admit, he said, I'm not the best driver. And I thought that showed him in a good light. Yeah, because I think it's very... Because I'm a bit of a... I know people take the mickey out of my careful driving. Can you believe that careful driving is now something to be laughed at? Oh, I love the way you drive, Frank. It's adorable.

But people say I drive like a pensioner. That's what they say. Yeah, I pretty much do. I just feel comfortable in that trilby. It's just when you were driving past once, I did think it was Mr Magoo. But if I was the same size as John Bercow, I wouldn't drive a Volvo. I'd drive a Tuk Tuk. Yes, man. Whenever I walk past a Tuk Tuk, I always think,

wouldn't it be brilliant to arrive somewhere in one of those? I mean, they look a bit tentative on that front wheel, but they're so lovely and cute, and they just say, they say, you know, I've turned my back on all the macho driving top gear. You know, hey, man, let's burn some rubber, and I've gone for a Tok Tok. I respect it. If we've got any Tok Tok owners,

that's this week's Tok Sting. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We've had a very topical text in, 281. Jay Burko was heading to our charity event to raise money for state schools in Chelsea. Huh? Presumably to abolish them. No.

See, I told you it was going to a charity event. I know, I know. Two mums set to raise, I can't read that figure, is it 20,000? I think so, yes. 200,000 in two hours

or something. Anyway, it must be 20. 20,000. We raised 30,000 with John's help. I mean, that doesn't mean it's all right to smash into people's cars

if that's what he did. But, I mean, good on him for getting involved in that. So he's all, you know, I know it's, you think, people's cars if that's what he did, but I mean, good on him for getting involved in that. So he's all, you know, I know it's, you think, oh, John Birker, but, you know, there's goodness in this. We've had a tweet from Strong and Northern how they refer to themselves.

Not so pro-John Birker. He says, I thought the world had gone mad. I swear I heard you say John Virgo, who was the speaker of the House of Commons. That's a new move at the last minute. Is it just a different snooker player? Order. No.

Order. Order. Yeah, so, yeah, Birker, whatever he did that night, was on an errand of mercy, so respect. I hope no-one ever says that about me. On the subject of men in suits, I'll tell you something I've picked up on just slightly now. I don't know if this can't be coincidence.

I've seen four examples of this, and I don't know quite what it's about. I walk around a lot, if you know. I cover a lot of miles around London. And sometimes in the enduring rush hour in the morning, and, you know, on my way somewhere, I don't just walk about. And I've seen businessmen, not businessmen, people who work in offices, you know, so the normal suit. And what I've noticed is that they're walking in to work and they've got

their ties around their necks, under their collars, but not loose, just hanging straight down, not knotted in any way. Like a football scarf. Like a, hanging like a scarf. And I've seen, like I say, four examples of this. Now is this a new trend that's coming that you don't fasten your tie till you get into work? How interesting. Yeah. It's very recent. I've only seen it the last

month. Is it the male equivalent of wearing flats before you get into your heels when you get to work? Maybe it is that. Or also taking your bra off when you get home watching the telly. We all do it. Yeah. Well, I have put on a few pounds. It's sort of necessary. You don't take your bra off to watch the telly, do you it yeah well i have put on a few pounds it's sort of necessary you don't take your bra off to watch the telly do you i do you must be fiercely underwired daisy do you ever do

that oh put her on the spot so daisy do you take your bra off to watch the telly do you daisy where are you wearing your bra is it wearing on your your head? You have to take off. No, but it hurts by the end of the day. That's the latest texting. No, I don't. Let's not get into bras. But if anyone knows why... I'll kick on them businessmen, but that's slightly misleading. People who work in offices walk in with the tie on, Don. And if I could, I'd just have one text in support of my bra removal.

I'm glad it'll be in support. I don't see any women working in with their bras just hanging down at their sides. I'll fasten this when I get in. You know, give me a bit of freedom in my power walking. Oh, it's so nice when you take it off.

Thanks. Well, I do my best. Got Fonzie-like skills, one-handed. Yeah, right out the sleeve. Don't even take the top off. Straight down the sleeve. And on, where's my wristwatch? Oh, man.

Brilliant. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Well, it turns out I'm not alone with the bra removal. It turns out it seems not alone with the bra removal.

It seems that Britain is swinging free. Line 15, my bra comes off as soon as I walk through the front door. 140, through door, bra off. 170, don't worry, Emily, I do the same thing. It sounds like some sort of electric system. When you walk through the beam, your bra shoots off like Barbara Windsor in Carry On Camping. 862, I'm a comfortable 34C, generally admit the bra wherever possible. We didn't ask for sizes.

No. We did not ask for sizes. 662 says, don't worry, the first thing I do when I get home is remove my bra through my sleeve. I've done that. That's good, through the sleeve. Oh, I love that. It's explaining to me now why my girlfriend's bras are always on top of the microwave. I just thought they were warming. But she must come in and that's where it must go.

I suppose she heads straight to the kitchen. Kath is such a bra remover, I can't tell you. Is she really? I haven't really noticed. She's like me. I'll get told off now for not noticing. That's an interesting phrase, such a bra remover. Yeah.

I've seen that as a positive. Don't get me wrong. Touring in the 90s. But now it's all changed. We have had an answer on the tie issue. Oh, good! Harry has texted to say, I think he's relating it to happy slapping, basically.

He says, I think people keep their ties undone because there is a spate of school children pulling on the long end of the knot. It's really hard so that the knot goes really small and tight. How is that right? And they're left with a long spindly tie. I'm joking. I'm a choking hazard.

You're telling me they've got wearing them like this because they don't want to be choked by schoolchildren. That's Carrie's theory. This way it slides past their collar, they can dance away unharmed. Broken Britain. Is that why women are taking their bras off? That their children might come over and crack two or three ribs

by tightening their strap. What's happened to the world? Merlin's gone, now this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio Oh I've just taken

my athletic support down a couple of notches inspired by all this bra talk I feel so much easier in myself. They're still coming in, these people. I mean, really, this is going on a lot out there. 540, definitely get bra off.

Cleaner always comments. Cleaner always comments. Yeah. Yeah, cleaner always comments as well when they're walking through the urinal. Which I can do without. Because I always say, floor's cold. And Fee, Frank, says

my husband leaves his tie hanging around his neck because he gets too hot. He asked me to let you know. When he walks in. See, I wonder if is that what he means? Well, no. Is it like Tom Jones at the end of a gig? And he has the bow tie hanging down. Shelley and Knott's

have supported the bra thing as well. The first thing I do when I get in from the school run in the afternoon is take my bra off. I had no idea they were such a symbol of restraint and constriction. That's why ladies burnt them. Of course. Of course.

Anyway, what else? Well, I'm delighted to be here, Frank. But I have had to sacrifice... Okay, so what should we talk about now? I've had to sacrifice a thing that I'm sure you would have been happy to be able to go to as well. As we speak, one of the monthly Doctor Who events is happening at the British Film Institute. That's true. And I had tickets to it.

And once I got the opportunity to do this naturally I decided to do this because I need the work this has gone a bit I will work for food this has gone a bit yosso why have they gone boys in the black stuff in this studio well it's good we're glad you've come in

I need the work I don't want to hear that where's my wallet where's my wallet? Where's my wallet? Oh, it's in Steve Hall's bag. Yes. And so, how long course is happening? What, a 20-minute walk away?

Indeed. What, this Doctor Who thing? They're showing the Doctor Who the movie, so it's the Paul McGann one from the 90s. I wish you told me, because I could have made an excuse not to go. And Mr McGann is present. He's doing the Q&A. I liked him.

Because I couldn't use the tickets, I was keen to... Can I say they're like gold dust as well, these tickets? They go like lightning. Well, I said they're like gold dust. And then you said they weren't like lightning. Is gold dust any good depends who you buy it from to be honest no but I would rather have a ticket

I think for a doggo event well I don't know what I wouldn't know where to take gold dust well you wouldn't believe it if someone offered you some gold dust you would simply think that's a ground up crunchy I think that's nice gold dust but would you do post office

do you know what we've got to update that they're like for scarcity of things because gold dust doesn't work doesn't like doctor who bfi tickets no but is it the assay office you have to go to is that is that where you go with gold dust anyone out there where do you go if you're given gold dust, if you're lucky enough to get hold of this elusive item, what do you do with it then? I suppose you could put it in one of those, remember those things that you used to look a bald man on

and you used to move iron filings about but then again I don't think it's magnetic it's worse, it's not as good as iron filings The Frank Skinner Show Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall.

We were talking about what I'm calling Steve's dilemma. Indeed. It's a good car, a dilemma. The Vauxhall dilemma. I like the sound of that. They should be more inventive, shouldn't they, with their car, a Dilemma. The Vauxhall Dilemma. I like the sound of that. They should be more inventive, shouldn't they, with their car names? Yeah. Yeah.

I drive the Austin Uncertainty. Well, we were talking about Dr Hoyt. Toyota Nemesis. We were just discussing Paul Renault-Megan. Yes. Oh, lovely Steve. Thank you. Siss. We were just discussing Paul Reno McGann. Oh, lovely, Siss. Thank you. And we were discussing how the tickets to these Doctor Who events, they are indeed like gold dust.

They are rare as hen's teeth. Have we found out what you do with gold dust? Has anyone let us know that? No, but I mean, 225 has offered up this. Send it to him. Is it going to be one of those jokes? No, no. OK.

You can use it to sprinkle on cakes or to put into chocolate if you're making your own chocolates. I bet that's a West 11 postcode. I'm not sure that's its main purpose, though, is it? No. What's Gold Dust for? This does Gold Dust feature in the Doctor Who TV movie? Haven't it flashed back now?

Someone taking a couple of sacks from the TARDIS of Gold Dust and the Doctor saying, that's all right, you can keep it. But maybe it wasn't in the movie. That sounds like it was to sprinkle on some cakes. It might have been the movie. Anyway, this is boring for anyone. Sorry. Anyway, I wanted to do a good turn because because I had these tickets I couldn't use,

so I wanted to offer them. I'm not as knowledgeable about Who as you are, but I wanted to offer them to some people I know to see if anyone would cherish them. Yeah, you're a proper lover of Who, though. I am. And the excellent comedian Toby Haydoke, who does a brilliant Doctor Who podcast.

So I thought, I'll go to him. He knows everyone, so I'll go to him i'll he knows everyone so so i'll i'll go to him he does know a lot about yeah and uh and so i i emailed him said you want to see if anyone wants to come and i didn't hear from him for a few days so i returned the tickets to the box office as is my right and uh about an hour after i'd done that he got in touch with me and said I've found someone who will worship you forever and thank you for for the tickets they'll take them off your hands and I felt awful because I was really wanting to do someone a good turn and I've ended up feeling like some kind of ticket tease so it's the ultimate I have to admit there was an element

of philanthropy plus five percent because I was hoping to maybe get some inside info on whether the missing episodes rumours are true. Oh, I see. So there was self-interest of a gossipy Patrick Troughton-related nature. Yes. And I'm intrigued by when you set out with the best of intentions and it all goes horrendously wrong. I'm intrigued by these moments.

There's a similar moment I once had. I saw a gentleman at Melbourne Zoo who lifted up a child that wasn't his to try and enable the child to get a better view of the gorillas. And as he picked that child up, he accidentally smashed that child's head into the ceiling of the little booth that they were watching from. Right.

And that man was me, I should add. Oh. I should add. Oh oh i love that that's like that at the end of deck of cards when he says i was that soul i'm intrigued when you start off meaning the best and it goes horribly wrong what about when i gave you a lift like the other week that that happened then was that good intention well it wasn't really good intentions okayish intentions but i had a taxi paid for out of my own money not on the absolute radio budget frankly really and um steve hall i

said oh have a lift with me and he said oh no no no i'm fine actually i said no no no honestly i insist he went no no no i'm fine i said no no no i insist so we got in the cab and i think we dropped you a bit in the middle of nowhere and it suddenly dawn dawned on me, because I wasn't going to go out of my way, Frank. I won't go that far. But it dawned on me as he got out of the car. That he was on his way to a sex club. And then you had to drop him somewhere completely. Exactly. No, what, why? What happened?

Well, it was just that we dropped him. It wasn't really near a tube. It wasn't anywhere. And it was about, it was just, it was inconvenient for him. It would have been easier for him to have gone all the way home. I was trying to do the nice thing. But as he says, he's desperate for work. He probably bossed it for an hour or so. But that was one of those ones where the conversation, it was nice to have a natter.

I think you were mid, you were in the middle of your Edinburgh stuff. So it was nice to. Oh, Frank doesn't like to talk about that. I do. You since don't tell me about your new career. You and the cock... That was my good intentions. I gave the cockle and Emily Dean a job.

And now one's on location. And the other one has secret work that I've not learned to know about. That's what happens to good intentions. It's the road to hell. You like me. Oliver Kirk says the Renault Quandary. I like the Renault Quandary. That's what happens to good intentions. The road to hell. You're lying to me. Oliver Kirk says the Renault Quandary.

I like the Renault Quandary. I thought he'd like that. Good old Oliver Kirk. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I think we had a text. We had a tweet from Richard Long. Oh, yeah. Who had said... Dick Long?

Yeah. A poet. And he said, you are indeed correct. He says, yes, there are bags of gold dust in the TARDIS in the TV movie. The master offers it to Chang Li. Right, that's right. And I think he takes away, and the doctor says, it's all right, you can keep it.

It's only gold dust. I don't know where to take it. It's in the same place. So I'm sick of sprinkling it on my cakes eric roberts is the master yes he's fabulous oh so um well there's there's a few points i'd like to make it one is i also have a ticket for the um the doctor event today so i'm just going along after the show. That's the obvious thing to do, isn't it? Because I've seen the movie a few times,

so I'll just go along for all the lovely panel and all that. That's a bit weird. If you hadn't had this weird 5% philanthropy thing, if you hadn't tried to do that, you and I could have strolled across town together, it would have been lovely. Not only would you have watched the 8th Doctor being interviewed,

you'd have been sitting next to a borderline national treasure. But no. But no, you have to go and get your money back. We've got to get you some more work. Well, my good intentions have been stamped into the dirt now. Look, I'm getting a wall knocked down in my... Do you want a hammer? You and that wall.

No, why not? Have you seen the movie? No, we were saving it. It's one we'd never seen. Because my wife is a fairly recent convert. We were to Doctor Who, not to Judaism. No. We were going to... Has she converted?

No, no. Has she not? Oh, you've married out. Oh, you've married out. Oh, you've married out. She's not on to us. Yes. So it was going to be our special treat. How lovely that we could have gone together.

Oh, that's a lovely treat. That honestly never even occurred to me. I'm so jealous of her right now. I'll tell you what I'd like to talk about. What? And it's been in the news. We've mentioned Miley Cyrus quite a lot of late on this show. I think beginning with when she was in The Thick of It

with Robin Thicke at the VMAs. Indeed, yeah. And I don't know if he's planted his poison in her during that dance thing. It's been awful. But she hasn't been the same girl since. No. She's gone crazy.

She has indeed. No, I don't know. Marley's gone crazy. She's got into terrible... I've become that... Remember that transsexual from Big Brother? Nardia. It's Nardia.

Oh, yeah. What's up? I've barely found her. She's a bit lovely. Lovely girl. She's gone crazy. He's on my list of people that I most fear becoming, visually. Oh, well.

Yeah. Could be worse. I don't know. Didn't you on an old World Cup podcast do something like her having a chat with Elton John? Maybe. I became obsessed with her in that impression. I just... What happened?

What was she called? Nadia. Nadia. I can't remember her surname. Don't worry about her surname. That's the great joy of reality TV. It doesn't matter.

It's that people say, and now on X Factor, it's Malcolm! It's great. It's made the Christian name a noble title. I liked it best when I think someone

called Steve, no offence Steve, but someone just called Steve on the X Factor, didn't he? And you weren't going to go buy an album. Have you got Steve's latest album? When I was watching Miss World last night, there was a guy on it called Steve who was sort of doing the presenting

and I felt he must be Julian Morley's driver or something. Oh, do you think so? He was like a London bloke. He didn't have an autocue. He was reading off cards. And he was saying, yes, things are really going, going, yeah, we're up to the top. What's that, five?

And I go, this is Miss World broadcast around the, I think he must be Julian Morley's blackmailer. Yeah. That's obviously not a serious allegation. Can I just say, I love that you're outraged that the production values on Miss World aren't high enough for you. And who should be presenting Miss World?

Bruce Forsyth? No. Mylene Klass. Oh. Yeah. Why? Well I suppose it was it was in Indonesia. Has she got some some sort of far east? Oh yeah. Yes that sounds right. I believe that Malaysia's in Indonesia. Has she got some, is she some, some sort of Far East? Malay?

Yes, that sounds right. I believe that Malaysia's true-ly-ation. Isn't that true? Didn't I like that song? It's one of my favourites. Malaysia's true.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So we were talking about Miley and Sinead. Miley and Sinead, yes. Miley and Sinead. Yes, in case you don't know this, and, you know, sometimes people are too busy to keep up with news, especially sort of like entertainment news. Sinead O'Connor, who many of you will remember.

I think I'm proud of you. I always thought that was a bit of a coincidence that Sinead is a bit like the word skinhead. It's amazing, isn't it? It's like she's gone deliberately thought, Sinead, that's nearly skinhead. I think I'll have my head shaved. Like when Tina Hobley joined Holby City.

I've always thought, she thought, that's more or less Hobley. I'm going for it. An agent's saying, no, I think you can do better. No, no, but Hobley, Holby, come on, that's an opportunity. Yeah. Awesome thing. Anyway, Sinead O'Connor wrote what they call an open letter.

Oh, yes. Which is a bit like an open kebab, except the visible meat is a wagging finger, I would say. An open letter is by definition passive-aggressive in the extreme. But why do they do these open letters? You can get hold of people, go to agents. Yeah, why not send her a closed letter? If it's to help her, then just

write, get in touch with Miley and say, I'm a bit worried about you. I think you're being exploited by those around you. And you know, you're a talented young girl. Keep your gear on. We need to write an open letter to anyone who ever considers writing an open letter. That's what I'm going to do.

Yeah. Saying, please cease and desist. Well, you can't write to everyone who might. That would be all right. That would be acceptable. But this one, email her. Anyway. She felt Miley was being exploited, didn't she, by the record industry.

And she said she should, she said it was written in the spirit of motherliness is what she said. Yes, this was all based on the VMA dance I think is where it kicked it off. And the video. The video to Wrecking Ball. But I think we could if we were going to have a headline it would be female pop star in sexy dance routine shocker.

Because at the end of the day I don't think Miley's the first woman to dress scantily. Precisely. And dance raunchily. Yes. And it's not... I'd not previously watched the video to Wrecking Ball. And it's not particularly extreme.

It's not to my taste. I don't know. I'm going to disagree. I think it's because she's progressively taking off layers after layers of clothing. Because in that Wrecking Ball, she's basically just got a thong on. So the next thing is going to be live autopsy with Dr... What's his face? The German... Well, I don't know if you've seen

her last photo shoot. Is it local Terry Richardson? Yeah, Terry Richardson. I mean, that is... Come on. Come on, dear. Come on, dear. Terry Richardson is creepy on a level that Robin Thicke would look at Terry Richardson and go, that bloke's a bit creepy. Yeah, and go, keep away from her.

You watch him. You'd be better off having your photo as done by Nick Cotton from East End Pictures. Well, he's in some of the pictures as well. I don't know why, in a mirror. And he seems to be sort of shrieking with delight as this young woman. And she's sort of, oh, I don't know if I can describe it.

It looks like, you know when you see people in a flying harness, and it's very tight, it's pulled up tight around the excuse me area. Well, she's doing that with her own gossip. With the gossip? It looks like she's strapped into a roid of wooden towers. I'm not one to gossip, as you pants. The Gossett? It looks like she's strapped into a roid of wooden towers. I'm not one to Gossett, as you know. Did you have to say Gossett? I think you can say Gossett.

Hold on. Did you say pants? I'm just looking in the absolute... Gossett is gross. Gossett, yeah, it's under garment parts. It's fine. It's not a reference to the interior. Okay.

What about what Smiley said back to Sinead? Because Sinead did write three open letters. Yes. And I think that she lost me at two, I'm afraid. By the time I got on to three, I lost it. I shouldn't be surprised that Sinead goes on a bit. But she's responded, yes. Things escalated quickly.

She said, Sinead, I don't have time to write you an open letter because I'm performing on SNL this week. OK. That's a bit rude. How did she write? That was a tweet. A tweet. Yeah, she tweeted that, yeah.

Which is an open letter. Yes, indeed. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's kind of weird because basically we've all, it's a narrative we've seen before where the way Miley's going, it's all happy, it's all I'm an individual, I'm celebrating life. And there's that trepidation that things are going to go badly and she'll end up a few years from now crying.

So it basically feels Miley Cyrus' life is a really slow-motion hen do, where at the moment it's all I'm having a great time, but 2017 she'll be being sick into a toilet somewhere. Well, it is strange because former child stars are normally just, there's such balance level head in here. I don't know how this has happened to her. But I didn't like the way she turned on Sinead and sort of suggested that, you know,

what do you know, you're a nutter. Yeah, that was... That was a bit harsh because if you want advice on how not to end up in, how can I put this in a sensitive way, the barmy chair, as far as a celebrity, then you go to someone who's been in the barmy chair. You know, that's why Sue Barker presents tennis. You know, you've got people who've already been there and done it. So that's the person to speak to.

It's no good speaking to Katherine Jenkins, because she'll buy your soul. It's no good speaking to Katherine Jenkins, because she'll buy your soul. But, yeah, so I think she's exactly the person who would know about that stuff. So I thought that was a little bit unkind. But, you know, she doesn't need to do it. She's got the talent. Gaga. Has she got the talent?

She's got a good voice. She's got that Disney belt. Gaga has to wear meat on her, you know, her thighs, because she can't sing can't sing good voices ten a penny you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from absolute radio by the way while i remember my girlfriend um doesn't wear contact lenses she wears spectacles something to do with the shape of her eye anyway have you heard of these um contact lenses that you put them in you sleep in them and they change the shape of your lens so your eyesight gets better is that right that's brilliant just before i spend any money on them i'd like to know if they're not some bogus idea like snake oil.

Okay. I just mentioned that. It's, uh, it's no laser stuff, it's just a bit of stretching. It depends where she's, what is it, send us the money to P.O. Box. It's off the internet. Is it in Lagos?

I think it is in Lagos. It's something to do with their space programme. Okay. Oh, I want to talk about Gwyneth Paltrow. Did you read this? She was talking about getting into showers, and she said she insists that an aide washes down the shower for her if someone else has been in there.

She's been in the gym and she's been working out. She doesn't like... She's not down with OPW. OPW. Other people's water. Oh! Lovely. I'm so proud of myself.

Oh! That is remarkable. I think it's absolutely fine. It's not other people's water, though, is it? Because the water in the shower hasn't touched that person, has it? Yeah, precisely. Has it bounced off them? Is that the idea? Yeah. If it's going't touched that person, has it? Yeah, precisely. Has it bounced off them? Is that the idea? Yeah.

If it's going to touch another person, could they ever be cleaner than to be touched? It's because it's the equivalent of Alex on Big Brother, who used to get obsessed with people weeing in the shower. I can understand that. No, on X Factor, it's Alex! And he obviously got an advert for bleach on the back of that. Did he? That was his own little OCD thing.

He got an advert. So maybe Gwyneth is pitching for... Wow. Simone Cowell insists on black toilet paper, doesn't he? Yes, I'm not sure about that. It's all right at the beginning. When you're doing the fine tuning. Exactly, yeah.

What, with the back toilet paper? There are issues of contrast. I stayed in... I stayed, especially as I drink 15 pints of Guinness a night. He needs it for the innards of his soul. Of course, that's a good point. I stayed at a bed and breakfast in Southend-on-Sea. Lovely.

And I had a shower there, and the inside of the shower curtain was covered in human hair. It must have been people who had showered in that shower over the years. And there was grey hair, long hair, red hair. It was all like a fabulous... Like a Bayer tapestry. Yeah. I was going to say like the Spice Girls. hair, red hair. It was all like a fabulous... Like a Bayer tapestry. I was going to say like the Spice Girls. Well, it was.

It was like a Spice Girls tribute made from human hair. And I wouldn't have minded someone coming in there with one of those, you know those lint rollers you get at the bit? Oh, yeah. And just at least making a path for me, like Moses through the Red Sea. But that was a bit rough. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about Daisy with the producers of Mission just now? Yeah, she said she was moved by Abby Clancy on Strictly Come Dancing. She did. She looked like she had a tear in her eye when she said it. You never know where you're going to find something that plucks at your heartstrings. And fabulous. The other thing with Gwyneth, by the way,

was that apparently she likes to take her own drinking water to the gym because the gym she goes to in wherever she goes, Hollywood would it be? No, she lives here now probably my gym she's got a brand of water she likes better but they mock her for that but i you know i think some water is nicer than other water also i like a badois you see a badois what's nice about a badois is it tastes you know you feel a bit guilty when you really enjoy the taste of a soluble aspirin it's got that slightly salty taste and you think i don't want to get into this but badois it has that without the um without the medicinal what the readers need to picture is that as you're saying badois, you're doing a very elegant flourish with your right hand. I'm going to... There you are. Just to give this a little bit more.

I'd say that badois is my favourite. Oh, my jingle isn't working. This would have been the funniest thing that ever happened. It could be your coat of arms jerking off with badois. And we're so near the end of the show

to end on a flat note like this. How awful. Can you play the Deer Hunter music? Well, that's... Can I say on the subject of drinks, a drink that I might take to a gymnasium? I don't wish to advertise, but are you familiar with Pret-a-Manger?

Oh, yes. I'm loving all this French pronunciation. Well, Pret-a-Manger, they do a ginger drink. Can I say, readers, he's still trying to find that jingle. I am. This is... Frank gets like Buzz after a toy.

He won't let it go until he gets his laugh. I feel I've been let down by my support staff. Frank! Not really. Yes, if you buy the ginger drink from Pret-a-Manger, what they've done is they've taken the piece of raw ginger and they've carved it into the shape of a dog. Have they?

Wow. Why have they done that? Oh, I don't know. There isn't a famous ginger dog or anything of that nature. It's just random, random, random carving with the contents. I love the way you say ginger. It's one of your stand-up routines where you talk about raw ginger. Frank, we're getting to the end of the show

and we didn't even have a chance to discuss Kanye West insisting on the carpet being ironed. Well, you know, there's always next week. OK. Just remember that. Can someone tell me why they're going for the ginger dog on the Pret-a-Manger ginger drink? Then I'll be a happy...

Why do you pronounce it like that? That's French. Do you not know it's French? But no one says, I'm just going to... Do you want coffee? Also, they should. Let's start that with a trend. It's called a ginger drink. There's quite a lot of grape juice in it. It doesn't get a billing.

It should be ginger and grape juice, and they should give the dog... Well, no, perhaps they couldn't do that. Do you know what it's like? It's like one of those writers on a panel show. It's a programme associate. Yeah, that's what it is. It is, exactly that. It's the secret ingredient. You know what?

It's been lovely today, Steve. It's always good to have you on. Thank you. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out!