The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Brick-Gate

Episode Date: April 7, 2012

Frank is joined by Emily and Alun as they discuss Frank's April Fools pranks, Samantha Brick-Gate and the Beatles' sons supergroup!

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio, and I'm with Emily Dean, and I'm with Alan Cochran.

Morning. Hi. The A-Team. That's a lovely rendition. Yeah, in case you're wondering at home, I've got a selection of wine glasses with various levels of watering. Yeah, how do they do that? That's amazing. Something to fall back on, though, that, isn't it? It's nice that you've got that. I hate that it's very BGT.

BGT. Oh, Britain's Got Talent. Yes. I know what you mean, but I haven't, you know... You see, people have a go at it, but often... I've known people who've been nearly a semitone out. Oh, no. Evaporation, of course.

You have to retune on a constant in hot weather. Anyway, thank you for tuning in this morning. I know you might not have tuned in. This could be an accident, but let's just pretend, just for the benefit of my self-confidence. You can text us, if you like. On 8-12-15? Yeah, well, I love that.

I love that he's completing my sentences now. He was straight in there. Very Generation Game hostess. It's like being Ronnie Biggs. Quite a radio moment, wasn't it? No, I like a radio moment. Let's face it, there aren't many on this show. But that was, that was, that smacked of professionalism.

Getting done early. So, Frank, I'm going to eat my chocolate bun ears while you tell me about your week you're starting at the ears i always start at the ears sometimes with a lint bunny i like to take the face off with one mighty snap just leave it let's leave a crater where it's snout used to be oh yeah twitch that twitch the crater if you can, rabbit boy. That's what I'll say to my yeah, we have chocolate bonnies today. Guess why? Because the poison

have brought them in. I know, that'll be reassuring. Actually they're an unusual shape for lint bonnies. I've never seen one for the small bottle shape before. Anyway, look, it is Easter, and happy Easter to all our listeners.

But last weekend, of course, it was April Fool's Day. Oh, yeah. And I don't like to let an April Fool's Day go past without an April Fool's Day. Oh, no. Frank's pranks. Yeah, but I'll tell you what. I hate Frank's pranks. I hadn't planned anything.

I had to improvise. And I got up in... I was staying at my girlfriend's mum's. Oh, yeah. And Sandy Mason. And I was... I got up and, you know, first thing you go to the toilet. And I'm desperately trying to think of a prank. And I thought...

And I thought, and I thought, no, I can't do that. And then I thought I'd come up with the leaking toilet. I mean, it's not a classic. Right. It's not spaghetti trees, is it? You mean just tell them that the toilet's leaking? Tell them.

Rather than block it open. That's not an April Fool. That's just a nuisance. No, but bear in mind, you know, she's a 70-year-old woman. A leaking toilet is, you know, on bank holidays. Oh, that's just a nuisance. No, but bear in mind, you know, she's a 70-year-old woman, a leak in toilets, you know, on bank holidays. Oh, yeah. It's a major, oh, God, it's a major problem. And there was a part of me that thought, you know,

she's 70, she's got to get up the stairs to check it out, this could go horribly wrong. But I thought, you know, no pain, no gain. How did you push it to her, Frank? Do me your prank voice. I went downstairs and went, oh, sorry to arrive with a nightmare. It's the weirdest thing you've ever done. But the toilet is really, really leaking upstairs.

She said, when I was up there, I said, honestly, it's really, really... She went, oh, no, no, no. I, oh. So she went up the stairs. It's not like it's So, she went up the stairs. It's not April Fool's. She went up the stairs. I thought she could drop it any minute.

Two thirds of the way up. I thought I pushed it too far. But no, she made it. And Kath, my girlfriend, went with her. And the three of us looked at the tile. And she was peering at the floor trying to find it. And I went, April Fool's. And it went quite well. She went, April Fools! And it went quite well.

She went, oh. And I think, yeah, you know, people... I think people who are pranked like the fact that they've been pranked often. Do you think that constitutes an April Fool, Alan? Be totally honest with him. Well, I was thinking on my feet... The toilet's leaking.

I didn't want to take it too far. You know, I didn't want to say, you know, there's a dead... There's a dead... Llama on the landing. Or suggest that you just have been commissioned to do a... What was it? A 30-part series with Gok Kwan?

This is what he once said to Cathy Allen. Yeah, but that was... Frank, tell Alan what that was. I said that I'd been commissioned to do a series with Gok Kwan in which I walk around northern towns in an avant-garde outfit. And it's called... I remember exactly what it's called. It's called Would You Wear This?

I thought it was called Why Are You Wearing That? No, it's Would You Wear This? Anyway, and we got to the point where she said, honestly, if you do this, I'm going to split up with you. And by then I was in so deep. Actually, I was quite deep into some velour knickerbockers with ferocious underwiring. But I did a second April Fool as well.

Shortly after that. Did you say the boiler was playing out? I did a second April Fool as well. Last week? Shortly after that. Did you say the boiler was playing off? Did you get them both done by noon or did you not obey the... No, I got them done by noon. Got them out of the way. Yeah. Because I knew... Because I still had the sister who was still upstairs,

so there was another victim in wait. Absolutely. But I thought I'd have to get it out before they regale her with tales of the old leaking toilet prank. Already gone into folklore in their house. But, you know, more soon. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So meanwhile, over in Prankster's Corner with you... Yeah, so Rachel, my girlfriend's sister, came downstairs and I said, Morning. She said, What's the matter? I said, Did you notice there's a bit of a gap on the forecourt? She said, What do you mean? I said, You know, my car got nicked last night. No.

And, no, it didn't. No, it didn't. See, I'm so good. I'm so good. The cockerel knew that I was really crazy. The lion still fell for it. And she went, oh, no. And then, and then,

the cat started laughing. And, of course, the whole thing cut up like a house of cards. Oh, I bet you were angry that she ruined the prank. I was absolutely livid. It reminded me, my dad often used to say if ever you commit a major crime never tell anybody he always used to say that oh lovely lovely life lesson exactly as a child he said if ever you read the true crime books they've always told somebody they've always you know confided in that right

he's right so if there's anyone listening who's got a major crime in the offing... My dad said, tell your lawyer everything, tell your accountant nothing. Did he? Yes. Yeah, my dad would have said that if he'd known what an accountant was. But, yeah, so... I'll tell you what I quite like, though, is that I don't lie very much at all in my normal life. I've almost eradicated lies from my general good view.

I would agree with that. I would describe you as a very truthful soul. Thank you so much. It's contract time again, is it? So it's quite exciting. And I suppose there is part of me, it's an ego thing, I think I'm quite good at it, and I enjoy it, because it's an acting job, in many ways. Your recreation of it was not amazing, but that first moment of the coming, oh. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not. You know how people are? You didn't do it like that at the time, did you? Well, no, I mean, I'm not completely... I have to do an hour of Alexander technique beforehand. And that's certainly what I used to do when I went to the supplementary benefit office. I had to get into character. I've been known to tell the odd porky, Frank.

Less so these days. But one of the worst ones I told was I'd split up with a boyfriend and I ran into a friend of his and I was a bit jealous because he'd met someone else and I hadn't. And I must have been about 20. And he said, oh, have you met anyone else then? And I said, yeah.

He said, oh, so you're seeing someone. I said, yeah, yeah, I've got a new boyfriend. He said, all right, what does he do? And I said, he's the manager of Suede. Why did I say that? No, you see what you did? You nailed it to... You defined it to quite thingy-ishly.

I said I was going out with the manager of Suede. See, if you'd have said I'm going out with a chemist, I mean, how could they check? No, but I wanted to sound glamorous. I wanted him to think he shouldn't have let me go. So I lied. Well, I suppose if he'd come back to you, you could have improvised and said, no, no, I meant the manager of World of me go. So I lied. Well, I suppose if he'd come back to you, you could have improvised and said,

no, no, I meant the manager of World of Suede. Yeah, yeah. In Milton Keynes, you know. So, I mean, it's an enormous shop. There's quite a lot of responsibility. I like that, though. I like the specific nature of the lie there. You haven't gone, he's in suede.

No. It's like one step removed from being in suede he's the nearest to it without it being but it's too cheap no but it is checkable isn't it not in those days they wouldn't have had the internet how dare you i'm suggesting it was 1919 she was only 20 yeah well i don't know when the messenger arrived every morning on horseback. With the missive. That's the town crier. He was a mind of information. Yeah, but did you enjoy the lie?

The lie did actually come back to haunt me in a terrible way. When I went to a U2 concert a couple of years later, and I was with a friend who knew about this lie, and didn't realize it was a lie they thought i had dated the manager of suede right and uh someone said we're at this u2 concert in the vip bit and someone said oh suede are over there and they wanted to meet them i said it was very awkward it's it's too awkward i can't go over i did i styled it out i got away with it yeah you had a good reason for not going out and that was your mythical relationship with the old man. Had they been scotch-guarded? Very good. I like the idea that if Suede went out in bad weather

they'd have to be scotch-guarded. I'm just going to bask on that for a little while. frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio frank we're talking about lying this morning well you described it as an april fool's prank yes what you've done which was what did you do you said the uh toilet was leaking and your car had been stolen sort of moving moving into more prankster areas. See, I used to be a rubbish liar, and now I don't do it very much, I suppose. You'd think I would have gone even worse, but I was quite impressed by my performance in that.

I remember when I was at school, I invented a sister, because everyone else seemed to have a sister, and I felt a bit left out. I'd be about 11 or 12. Did she have a name? What, Atrisha? Yeah, see, I had a big sister, but I wanted a little sister that I could do because everyone would say, oh, God, she's really playing up, and I'd say, God, Atrisha.

But the problem, the rubbishness of it is that my mate, who I basically invented this sister to impress because he got a little sister, his little sister was called Trisha. So I couldn't even come up with a different name. Absolute rubbish. I think that's partly why I don't do that much lying. I definitely am one of these people that is more lied to than lying.

I'm definitely, I'm a bit gullible. And I always want... Is that a line from King Lear? No. I am a man more syndicate than syndicate. King Lear on Absolute Radio. I think lots of comics lie when they're in taxis. Because when the taxi driver says, what do you do for a living, mate?

The cliche is that the comic says, what do you do for a living mate? The cliche is that the comic says, I'm an accountant or something really dull so that they then don't have to hear taxi drivers telling them jokes for half an hour. But I can't because I always wanted to be a comedian. What do you do for a living? I'm like, I'm a comedian!

Yay! And so invariably I end up hearing the dull jokes for half an hour but I still haven't managed to go I work for suede I'm their band manager or whatever you know I'd like a good life didn't you go out with Emily it's before the internet how do you know lied my lies but when I always say I'm in road planning if I'm talking to like that gets them on my side. Can you imagine saying that? I work for the immigration board.

Can you... You might as well just jump out of a moving car. Sorry, sorry. When I was living in Australia... Yes, I lived in Australia. Oh, there you go. And our neighbour, Gwen... Our neighbour, Gwen, said,

Now, do you grow anything at school, dear? And I didn't, of course. But I wanted her to think we had a sort of nice Anne of Green Gables sort of childhood and not eating remnants out of the parents' dinner party plates. So I said, yeah. She said, oh, what do you grow? And I went, potatoes. Why did I say potatoes?

And she got really angry for me. She went, don't lie. She shouted at me. She pulled you up on it. She did. See, we had kids every day. Every class has the class lawyer. Yeah.

Who gets famous for it. But we never reprimanded. I won't name him, but we never reprimanded the camera. And he was called. We never reprimanded because we like to know you go for it. Then we can all sit around talking about you know the yeah

the lies the exotic dancer folk storytelling or something I mean we all lied I mean the virginity lies to be fair oh yeah

we all you know I met this girl at a bus stop we went to a derelict house I mean we all told those lies what anyway

if you've told if you're a liar If you're a liar. If you're a liar, text us. On the subject of pranks, we've had a text in. Hi, Frank and gang, happy Easter. On the theme of pranks, when I was in school, there was a teacher that none of the kids liked, and it turned out none of the teachers liked him much either.

There was a bunch of other teachers pranked him by moving his desk to the staff gents' toilets. Hilarious. The teacher's prank to teacher. The teacher's prank to teacher. Teacher's prank to teacher. That's how you know you're not a popular teacher, isn't it? That's a bit Lord of the Flies, isn't it? Yeah.

Maybe that's what I don't like about all this, that I feel like I might be that guy. I think it's... That sounds to me like bullying at work, and there's a lot of it about... We don't approve of that, obviously. Oh, don't we? I'm glad you told me. There was my...

That's that guy I worked with, his wife told him that the reason they had a mixed-race kid was because of the iron tablets. That guy you work with? Yeah. Oh, Alan! No, no, this is when I worked in a factory. It wasn't.

Yeah, it's a major celebrity. Oh, dear. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Why has my desk been moved to the gents' toilet? Oh, come on.

It's a lock, isn't it? Lighten up. Lighten up. Lighten up. We've had an email in that I wanted to air to Emily Dean here. Oh. It's titled... Is it from Suede? Yes.

It's titled One for Emily. Oh, God. This is the perfect subject for such a beautiful lady as yourself. Oh. Samantha Brick. Discuss. Oh, God. I thought you lady as yourself. Oh. Samantha Brick, discuss. Oh, Scott. I thought you said it meant it was from Samantha Brick. Because she's a great judge of beauty.

Bricka. I should say we have had many emails asking about our opinion of Samantha Brick. Of the Brickmeister, as I call her now. Yeah, she's been quite popular this week, Samantha Brick, hasn't she? Well, okay, I have quite a lot to say on this subject. But should I explain, in case you don't know who Samantha Brick is? Where have you been? I'll be the

narrator, and then you can be the protagonist. She was a lady, I actually saw this article, the original article, before the kerfuffle started. I was browsing the daily mail website and i saw this woman said it's really tough being beautiful and i thought well i'll have a look because you'll be beautiful and then i thought have i clicked the wrong page

but anyway she was i i won't um i won't spoil it but anyway i she's going on about the problems i think it begins she's on a plane and someone a stewardess brings her a bottle of champagne she said lovely surprise from the captain she said i wasn't surprised at all this happens to me a lot it's one of the problems of being a beautiful woman and as i read it i thought i can't even look at the comments at the end of this i cannot even because they will they're bad enough if you're in there saying, I've just bought a horse. I mean, they'll say, you know, you idiot. But I thought this woman is going to be,

and I think that is correctly escalated into a vile attack. She says, well, one of the things she says, she says that people blank her because they can't handle her beauty. She said, for example, only last week, a neighbour totally blanked me. because they can't handle her beauty. She said, for example, only last week, a neighbour totally blanked me. That's something she actually said when she was hosting Blankety Black.

I do think it has to... An adult version of Blankety Black. Are you suggesting she's got a look at Les Dawson? Was it Les Dawson that hosted Blankety Black? No, she has been compared. No, it was Terry Wogan. Some of the comparisons. Lee Dixon in a wig, she had.

Oh. Brian Connolly of sweet fame, she had. No, let's get this. She's all right looking, isn't she? I'll tell you exactly what she is, Frank. Tell us. She is what was considered beautiful in the 70s. So pre-beauty salons, pre-surgery, all that sort of stuff, pre-grooming.

She's someone who Terry Scott would have fancied in Terry and June. Do you know what I mean? So there's a lack of grooming there. The teeth. There's a lot going on. Oh, oh. I thought she was... You've seen that film, The Fly Machine,

when Jeff Goldblum accidentally gets in. Yeah. He gets into the fly machine. Sorry, it's called The Fly, yeah. And he gets in, and a fly accidentally gets in, and when he comes out, he's half Jeff Goldblum and half fly. I've become a fly. And I think it's as if Lauren Laverne and Camilla Parker-Bowles

had got in the fly machine. Oh, that's good, Frank. I like that. And then he comes out. But I felt a bit, I mean, I suppose one thing she's achieved is that people don't hate her for being beautiful anymore. No. They hate her for not being beautiful.

But also, I think people fear her and give her a wide berth because of who she's married to, perhaps, rather than what she looks like. Have you seen her husband? He's French, isn't he? Yeah, he's a sort of French equivalent of Charles Bronson. He looks a bit like Leon. Yeah.

Yeah, the hired killer man. Yeah. I'm not suggesting for a second. Can I say officially as an absolute radio representative, I'm not suggesting that he's a killer of any kind. Samantha Brick says, I can quote all day what she says, she says, older women are the most hostile to me because they fear their own bloom fading.

Oh, dear. Yeah, oh, dear is the word. 50's knocking and she's getting louder, I think. Well, I mean, I like her confidence because, you know, one meets so many attractive women who say, oh, God, I look terrible. And, you know, it's quite nice to hear a woman who believes in herself. I mean I let's put our cards

on the table I if I'm going to be absolutely candid I think I'm the funniest man on the planet oh my god

no but I tell you that in confidence yeah no I do I mean I'm slightly ashamed that I think that

but I have to put my hand on my heart I do think that and anyone who doesn't think that, I can only say to them, yeah, but you're not with me all the time. You miss a lot of my comedy goal, but whereas I hear everything. No, I'm ashamed that I feel that, but I do feel it.

And at least she has come out of the ego closet and said, no, I'm absolutely beautiful. You may think we are both very, very misled in our opinions. Well, I suggest you try Magic FM. You'll be back here like a shot saying, no, no, he is hilarious. She's gone too commercial now, though, Frank. It's like the Charlie Sheen tiger blood thing.

Yeah. I've gone off her now. It's like when I went off the craze when they got too commercial. Yeah. Early stages are like, you know. You can't judge your beauty by men throwing themselves at you. She was talking about people

buying her train tickets and stuff like that. It's absurd. She never has to pay for drinks, she said. I don't believe it. No, but that's because men are, you know, how can I put this in a breakfast radio kind of way? During the Korean War... Yeah. ..it was reported that there was a...

Someone came across six American soldiers having a physical relationship with a patch of wet sand. I love it! You sound like a legal team. Six men in a row. Now, that shows what men are like, doesn't it? It's not about beauty. I love that the sand is like their ex.

Yeah, but I can't help but think that those six men didn't buy that sander drink or a train ticket or something. I doubt if it is. She must have something about ticket. I doubt if it even... She must have something about her. I thought it'd be if she wrote an I love you heart with an arrow through it in there afterwards.

That's what I doubt. Well, I'm going to... OK. I have a quiz question for you after this. Oh, we're not done yet. No, no, no. But we have certain obligations on commercial radio, which I'm about to fulfil.

This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. So, if you had to list your female heroes... Oh, my God. Yeah? I'm not going to ask you to list them, but how many truly beautiful women do you think would be in there? Well, is the question a leading one, suggesting I'd only pick ugly ones? No, I'm not.

I'm just testing her theory that women have some sort of resentment towards other women if they're more beautiful, or they see them as more beautiful. No, you see, I don't agree with that I think you're going to change your list accordingly now No Don't say Nancy Deloglio You know she's one of my idols

No, pre-show we were talking about Alexa Chung and how beautiful we found her Yeah, you didn't say she was one of your heroes No, that would be stretching it somewhat Yes, let's not talk about Alexa Chung I think my view was, my worry is that heroes no that would be stretching it somewhat but yes let's not talk about it because my i think my view was my worry is that i don't want to go out with anyone whose kneecaps cast a shadow that shouldn't be there shouldn't be that raised no i don't know you got it that she needs some

carbs all right now i speak i speak i speak as an act of kindness. But wasn't that why ladies got cross with Samantha Brick? It wasn't that she was saying she was beautiful, it was that she was saying other women didn't like her. That is why she got cross, but that might be because it's true, I don't know. I'm asking you because you're our female representative. Yeah, as a female representative.

But hang on. One of the reasons that she said that other women didn't like her, one of the bits of evidence that she gave for that was that she'd never been asked to be a bridesmaid. That's because she's about seven foot. I've only been best man once. Does that mean that all my friends don't think I'm funny? Is that... Because it seems a weird logic.

I'm afraid it means exactly that. No, Al, it's because you're too tall. And she's about seven foot, because no-one wants Gandalf coming up the aisle behind them. It's because you're too tall. And she's about seven foot, because no one wants Gandalf coming up the aisle behind them. It's because she's too beautiful. And the bride doesn't want to be out showing on a special day. It's as simple as that. It's like when you're booking a

support act on tour. Funny-ish, but not funny. If any of my support acts are listening, that was a joke. Not that you guys would get it i'm with alan on this though i just think there's been a series of unfortunate incidents which have led her to believe that women are jealous of her and actually they're just a scared of that insane looking husband who carries a gun round with him. Does he carry a gun? Yes, there's a picture of him with a rifle.

He says he shoots boar. There's a picture of me with Tony the Tiger from the Frosties, but I don't go around with him. That might have been one incident. OK, I went to a football match with him once. It's a long story. Let's just say he had heat exhaustion. Yeah.

For a time, for told. I'm not going to tell it now. Oh, please. And I said, he was very quiet, Tony the Tiger. Was he? I said, are you all right? He said, I feel terrible. Well, he's normally so positive, Tony the Tiger.

When I said, do you feel all right? There was only one word i was waiting for and uh and he um he said oh no he said i got sunstroke last week as the pink panther well i've been told some things in my time anyway um she's the thing is she's all right she's all right that's exactly it though she's a six and she thinks she's a nine so people are sort of you've nailed it no he's exactly it, though. She's a six and she thinks she's a nine, so people are sort of... Alan, you've nailed it. No, he's nailed it.

No, that's the problem. No wonder you've gone quiet. It was an April Fool's prank that went wrong. Oh, no. So prank. Maybe the whole thing's a prank. Have you considered that? No.

I mean, isn't... Well, that was raised on the Daily Mail comments page several times. Was it? Alan's quite a fan of that page. Because she's taken the name Sharon Stone and turned it into a slightly uglier Samantha Brick. It's deliberate, isn't it?

Can I ask you something? Could I turn the tables, Adele style? What I would like to ask you is, does that mean then that if you get bought a drink, so men don't think you're beautiful is that what you're saying they just want to have a physical relationship with sand essentially no i don't think that but what i'm obviously one sees a woman and thinks she's beautiful and often you're led in by the physical but then when you find the person inside you think actually this is a person

i'd like to you know generally hang out with. Of course that happens. But I'm saying that men being attracted to women, that doesn't make you beautiful. That makes you female. Oh, God. Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't want to be cynical about it. Oh, Bricko. She's read too much into it.

She's been in the news that much this week that last night I put the telly on and saw that BBC 2 had a programme called Brick by Brick And I thought it was going to be her talking about herself And it wasn't It was a documentary about architecture I think It's amazing though

That you can get so famous so quick Just by a simple thing Just by being awful Makes a girl think No but there was no cat in the bin moment. She just said something. All she said was, I'm beautiful. I say that every day on this show. Have I got my own

TV formats being offered by Oprah? Frank? We don't know that Bricko has, do we? Well, I don't know. She's getting a lot of offers. What's new then? She'll be batting them off, won't she? What would her show be called? Because it's a... Maybe batting them off, won't she? What would her show be called?

Because it's a... Or maybe they can text in, Frank. Yeah. They'll have some ideas. Brick a break. Another, what would it be called if it was daytime? Yeah, yeah, like the loose women's slot. Brick a brick. Another brick in the wall.

She could do like a Holmes under the hammer type programme. Yeah, or she could do a shopping programme. Brick through the window. It'd be like through the keyhole. Yeah, or she could do a shopping program, brick through the window. It'd be like through the keyhole. Yeah. We'll get five onto the letter. If there's one thing that you listener guys are good at,

it's the punning title. Frank, we've had what I call an Uncle Frank Corner email, where listeners sometimes seek your advice. Oh, yeah. This is from Tom in kent he says frank emily and alan i met a hungarian girl on thursday who speaks no english shall i ask her out i know this is off topic well it's gonna have to be in hungarian isn't it um it kind of i it wouldn't

work for me would it not no why not. Why not? Well, I've always... I've always... Yes. Firstly, I'm profoundly racist. And secondly... No, what my problem is, I think gender is a big enough barrier without going into the language as well.

You want someone, you know... The fact that Kath doesn't like Forbidden Planet, the movie, I find a great rift between us. She's not alone in the pattern No, but you know what I mean it's hard enough as well to find things in common without not having any

language in common. It's a shame because I don't want to be responsible for something that could have been brilliant but my advice is forget about it Absolute Radio Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Oh, I've turned my headphones up too loud now. I think I've just popped an eardrum. Anyway. With those little friends of mine, Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Cochran. Cochrane!

Well, I had to make it. It is... Slightly forced, right? What is it? It's Ramadin and Valentine, the original, I think, but one has to... Can I say, by the way, if you'll give me a personal moment,

that our producer, Emma Newman, has had her baby. And so congratulations to you and Mike. And he's called Joseph Atticus. Love that name. They've done very well, the Newmans. To Kill a Mockingbird's become a great source now for baby names. I believe that the Beckhams took Harper from Harper Lee.

And I'm guessing that Atticus is coming from Atticus Finch, the lawyer in... No, it's from that nightclub near you. Oh. Atticus and Flame and frying pan. And incandescent.

Massive Atticus. I suppose it could be a reference obviously, don't text this in because I bet loads of people have come up with this but Joseph Addison of course the 18th century essayist had the Joseph bit but also when Pope referred to him

in a poem he called him Atticus so it might have come from that I've actually got a framed document document signed by joseph addison on my wall yeah absolute radio yeah what's on your walls text in 815 what have you got have you got anything unusual framed on your walls that's a good fellow like a picture of a painting of you as the pope well yeah i've got that yeah i've got that i have indeed got that it didn't be uh you know it could be a document of some kind or whatever that's what the kids say i've got a photograph of me pointing at my own name in blackpool's comedy carpet how weird is that that's that's excellent self-ind. No, that's a good thing. I think a picture of yourself is fine, isn't it? I am my own screensaver.

Can you believe that? How tragic is that? You and Samantha Brick. Yeah, I'm coming over as an egomaniac this morning. Very idea. Still it is Easter. Frank, we've had some rather exciting news. Ree the Cockerel.

The Cockerel, it turns out, has come over to the dark side he's now been watching a bit of saturday night reality tv yeah i i never thought i'd see the day i've got the gigs drying up well it's partly doing this show i don't do weekends in comedy clubs quite so much so i did people say that to imogen thomas by the way. What, you're coming out on a Saturday night? Is the gigs drying up? Oh, my God. But, yeah, I went back home last week and I ended up watching The Voice. The Voice?

I missed The Voice last week. Oh, you missed it last week? I was visiting, is what I was doing. How was it? There was a nana in a wrap dress. Tom picked her. He was a big fan of hers. Nana in a wrap dress, I know, I know. What did what did you make of it al i didn't watch the whole show i missed the very start oh

it's all right to miss the start i did pause it but my sister-in-law i tell you when i when i was interviewed by des o'connor for the very first time i said did you see me on des o'connor she said i saw the beginning no now you can miss the beginning. No. Now you can miss the beginning. That's our Carol. Down to the beginning. No, it wasn't. It was our choice. Oh, sorry.

Or was it, oh, Tricia, Frank. Guilt. I've gone a bit embarrassed. So, meanwhile. I liked it. I felt less, I mean, I haven't really watched those other ones, but the bits that I have seen, I've felt that they were very emotionally manipulative,

whereas The Voice seems a bit purer. Oh, that's exactly why I liked them. Emotional manipulation. Can I say that when I was doing my degree, I embarrassed Samantha Brigg. It was a red brick university. He's been sitting on that for about five minutes. With me, it's like wind.

It has to be released. You've got brass in pocket. It's funny you should mention that. Oh, is it? Oh, God, should I go here? I'm going to. In case you're not aware of this, whenever I go to a cash point and take money out, I've mentioned this on the show before, I always, as soon as it goes in the wallet, I find myself singing to myself, got brass in pocket.

I cannot resist it. This week I've had something of a stomach bug. So my doctor said to me, I'm going to give you a small plastic container. And I want you to take a sample of... A firm sample, let's say. Yeah, a firm sample. And I want you to post it to the laboratory. And as I walked to the post box i sang a variant on got brass in pocket

which i cannot repeat on this show i told kath about this she said is it legal to post that yeah i mean it wasn't even addressed to a sex offender it was you know or a right-wing politician it would have been or even samantha brick Or a right-wing politician. Or even Samantha Brick. She must have had a... I was going to say... I know exactly what you were going to say. Something loads of stuff this week.

But it was... As I put it in... Because you get like a jiffy bag, you have to put it in a... It goes in a little plastic container and then there's a protective sleeve. I've never heard of that posting thing. No, but it was different.

And as I was loading it up, I imagined... Loading it up? Well, no, the bag. I imagined it arriving at the sorted office. You know that W.H. Auden film, this is the night train crossing the border, bringing the cheque and the postal order. Well, it didn't list that.

Oh, God. Anyway, I don't know. How did we get to that? We were talking about the voice, Frank. Of course. It said obvious link. Obvious link? Oh, I think we need to play some music and start again.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio So, we're currently in the Cockrell's living room Picture the scene Oh yeah The voice is up to probably at least 28 on the vol control Well, I would go for an odd number Because my mum has infected me with a weirdness

Where I would put it on 29 rather than 28. Oh, would you? She prefers odd numbers, and now, as a consequence, so do I. Oh. They mess you up, your mum and dad, as I believe Larkin once said. It's a paraphrase, but yes.

Yeah, exactly. It's the radio version of Larkin. Exactly. So you liked it, Al. I did like it, but I'll tell you what, I'm not sure I liked that Irish lad on the end, because he... You mean the bloke they've dragged in off the pub? Is he from the Shins or the...

No-one knows who he is. He's from one of those bands, and he's got a slightly annoying habit of pressing his button so that he turns around first, and then affirming his decision by deliberately going, Yeah! I'm really loving this, and just deliberately being a bit gleeful about the fact that they haven't turned round yet and that they can't get into it as much.

And it just bothers me slightly that he keeps doing that. He is a little pleased with himself. Self-affirming, I don't like it. Didn't he play guitar in Big Tom's backing band? Do you know Big Tom, the Irish entertainer? No. No? I thought you meant Tom Jones.

I'm trying to remember what band he was in. Was he one of the drifters, Joe Dolan and the Drifters? No, it's not him. He's too young. But I like it. I really like Will.i.am's face. He's got a lovely face. Has he got a lovely face?

Yeah, he's got a lovely face. It's a lovely face yeah it's got sweet isn't it it's never struck me the loveliness of his face it's sweet and i think with him and jesse jay um she's got a sort of a cleopatra style hair coming at you will i am with his little beard and being a bit older than jesse we've got an antonio cleopatra thing going on isn't she there's the other channel i've got anton deck yes isn't she as i think i might have mentioned before isn't she a very good eddie of hillary devay oh frank that's good yeah i think she is i noticed this week frank you know when famous ones come on don't famous ones don't go on the voice it's embarrassing it was uh one of the ladies from Five Star Denise yeah but she looked a bit like a mum at a bar mitzvah

she had the sparkly top from Five Star? yes Denise Lewis didn't they famously not sing? no Denise Lewis is an athlete oh no sorry Denise Pearson I apologise oh I've got so messed up now

it's like my dad telling a story how dare you I'll tell you something I do like about it is that they do chair dancing because they're all sat in chairs story. How dare you? I'll tell you something I do like about it, is that they do chair dancing. Because they're all sat in chairs. The way that they express that they're enjoying it is by doing

a bit of... Yeah, they do. I find that very embarrassing. Well, I do. It's bad planning on behalf of the TV people. I think they should have been standing off them. Whenever they join in, how often does one hear music that you just have to dance to? Never. In the car, maybe. Unless it's the fall it's like the only time i'd ever do that yeah but you tellisa tellisa on um x factor if there was anything a bit urban she thought oh i'm gonna

have to dance to this just to show i'm urban and uh and that i i can't cope with that you're still frank still loves bgt you haven't gone off it, even though the crew have started building their part up, which I don't like, Frank. I don't. See, I'm not sure I can watch The Voice again after I've seen Jessie J with her vitamin water. Right.

Because Jessie J was, she advertised some vitamin water and she went out in a skin-tight catsuit, thought, I'll get pictures. And she just held this bottle of... I mean, it was... I know, you know... I've seen those pictures. Yeah, but of course you have. It's not good enough.

Right. How much money do these people need that they have to lower themselves to hold in upper... I mean, poor Anthea Turner, when she had the chocolate bar at her... She was torn apart. Jessie J, no-one's mentioned the fact. To me, I'd have sacked her on the spot. If she'd have worn a

necklace of kitten heads, I would not have been more offended than I were by holding up a bottle of pop, saying, I'm selling pop. Are you? I thought you were selling pop music, love. I'm sorry, I've found it viciously offensive. I'd rather they replaced it with Samantha Brick.

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You can text us on 8-12-15, by the way, if you're in the mood. And people have. Someone has texted saying, has anyone else noticed how much Will.i.am looks like the Cheshire Cat

when he smiles on The Voice? What does the Cheshire Cat look like? Does she mean from the original illustrations in the book? Maybe, yeah. OK. And you're saying she. I don't know if it is a she. It just says...

417. They sound quite feminine digits to me. I think so, yeah. You know, it's like your's just says 417 they sound quite feminine digits yeah i think so yeah you know it's like your mom gone for the odd number yeah frank what did you make of the did you see the girl band on bgt i say girl yeah they um i know what you mean they were a bit um they were sort of um were they long in the tooth? Yes. No, but they were up front about it, but they thought... They were ancient. Well, that's to be harsh. They had a bit of a Samantha brick.

They thought they were a really good girl band, and they weren't really. They had tutus, Alan. Tutus? Tutus and wrinkles don't mix, in my experience. No, I didn't love them but i didn't i wasn't impressed uh by you know that singer songwriter guy he's gonna be a big hero it was on britain's got talent oh yeah and uh he's you know there's talent and there's talent i like

on britain's got talent i really want to see people who can blow stuff out their ears you know that kind of weird talent. It's always a singer that wins it, though, isn't it? No, no, it's always a dance troupe. Don't you remember Diversity? Yeah, and what were the Nazi youth? The Hitler Youth boys. Was that like a Hitler Youth troupe that won it?

You know, they were all athletes painted gold. Oh, yes, I rather like them. I don't remember what they were called. Anyway, this is just middle-aged people talking. We're trying to do a show here. It is rather, but when you said diversity, that made me think of Sudo. Can I say one thing I was very disappointed about?

Now it's middle-aged people talking again. No, but on Britain's Got Talent, Beatrice von Bourbon, did you see her who was the burlesque dancer? No, I hate burlesque. I was very disappointed she danced in, like, you know, tassels and stockings and suspenders and all that, the way these people do.

I hate it. And no-one, for the first time ever on Britain's Got Talent, no-one said, do you think this would be suitable for the royal family? And that's one of my favourite moments. The brilliant thing about Britain's Got Talent is that it culminates in being on the Royal Variety Performance, an event which people stopped caring about in the 1970s. And there's something brilliant about that. Yes, I am asked, in case you're wondering if that's bitterness. I didn't like that burlesque thing, though. It's just stripper with red lipstick. That's all it is. It's no different.

She was attractive. I think they got a lot of complaints about that. She was attractive for me. I think they got a lot of complaints about that. She was attractive for me. I think they got a lot of complaints because she practically got her kit off. Yeah, fair enough. It's daytime television. So, but Subo,

and let's not forget this is where she was born, she is now so much part of the establishment, Frank. It's been confirmed that she's going to actually perform at the Queen's Jubilee, isn't she? At the pageant, they're calling it. Is she going to be on the barge? Yes! I can't.

The barge? You know there's a big barge that's going right past my flat. Is it? There's about 98 boats or something going past, including the Queen's Royal Barge. One of my favourite daydreams is to imagine myself owning a barge. Is that one of your favourite daydreams? That's one of the things I go back to quite frequently.

I never get one because I remember that I'm nearly six foot four and it would be a real pain to have to stoop all the time. But I do quite like the idea, so I can while away. Well, this won't have a roof on, I don't think. The queen will be out on show. There's some strange people. She'll be fully sunblocked. It's an odd mix, though.

Sue Blow is going to... Apparently she's going to be on a fully operational Loch Ness Monster. On the straddle in it. Singing, Who's that coming over the loch? Is that a monster? All the way down the Thames. I'm looking forward to it.

It's the usual. If there's one thing the royal family are really bad at, it's putting together a running order of people. They always have people, Duran Duran are always. Oh, this year it's Omid Jalili, Martin Clunes and Susan Boyle. Extraordinary cocktail.

Surely Catherine Jenkins is involved. No, but Sanjeev Bhaskar is. I would have thought Catherine Jenkins was an absolute certainty for any royal line-up. Is that really the listings? Yes! It sounds more like an episode of Celebrity Come Dine With Me or something.

He's cutting, isn't he? Not being cut. By the way, can I say, apparently someone tweeted Catherine Jenkins to say that I had said on this show that she was Lucifer. Can I say that I had said on this show that she was Lucifer. And can I say, I never said that. I said she was Lucifer's representative on Earth.

Get your facts right. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm going to cough. I've coughed. Here you have an example of tense as used in grammar. OK. Lovely.

Frank, we've had a text in from Lee Clark. Lee Clark. And he's texted us recent format ideas, TV format ideas for Samantha Brick. Ah, Bricky. Go on. So we've got Brick-a-brack, a look at the boot sales of Britain. Brick House, her take on the explosion of house music.

Brick Bat, a wildlife programme. Brick in the Wall, an in-depth look at the Great Wall of China. I have to say, he's been busy, Lee. Good on him. Building Bricks, a DIY show. There's no stopping him. Fabulous. Yeah. Thank you very much him. Fabulous. Yeah.

Thank you very much for that, Lee. I'm sure it's not the same Lee Clark, who until recently was Huddersfield manager. This would be a strange thing for him to suddenly fill his days with. Exactly. Puns to radio shows. Frank, you were talking about Jessie J earlier and how you felt she might have sold out somewhat. 465 says,

I think Jessie J will miss out as the necklace of kitten heads award went to iggy pop i think oh for his um his insurance ads yes terrible i mean can i say i want i once heard myself say every little helps about the end of a tesco advert you know people texting all the time asking if you're uh the voice of the auto glass adverts or something like that? Isn't there a man in it who looks like me or something like that? Oh, maybe. No, I can't. I just felt so terrible that night. I wept. I wept into my pillow.

I did. I had the hottest shower I've ever had in my life trying to clean the interior filth from me. So that was my advertising days done. But I'd never held up a bottle of vitamin water like that. It's a living, isn't it? Hey, have you heard

that the Beatles' sons might be forming a band? Oh yeah, a supergroup. Yeah. I'm not sure it'll go under the super group category isn't it a brilliant idea all right it's a terrible idea it's a bit like no way sis i feel a bit bipolar about it because i think i mean i don't i i'm a fan of the beatles i really like them but i i feel like as a beatles fan i don't like the idea but i do quite like it to annoy those people that are perplexed by the Beatles' popularity.

You know, people that hate the Beatles and they go, I think having the Beatles' sons do a band as well will really annoy them. So there's a bit of me that really likes it. Well, people have got really angry about it, so why do they think they should be in a band just because their parents were, you know... Oh, that's what I was about to say.

Yeah, but come on. They're also musicians. Also, that's how the royal family have operated for generations. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yeah, Beatles.

The Little Beatles. Yes. Well, so who does it consist of? It's the one who's always smoking in a limo. God, I hope no one describes me like that. Who's that? Sean Lennon, is it? Yes. Yes, it's the Sean Lennon one. Notice the absence of Julian Lennon being discussed in it. Notable absence.

No, but he's knocking on a bit now. He's too old. He's about 50. I think, yeah, maybe he's too successful himself. Is that part of the problem? Too? Julian Lennon has just been described as too successful. Is that part of the problem? What? I mean, if, God, that puts the other poor devil in context.

And similarly, somebody said, um, Zach, is it Zachary Starr? Yeah. Who, uh, who's Ringo's. Zach Starkey. Who's. He was in my, my social circle. Zach Starkey. Oh, is he? Yeah, Zach Starkey. Yeah starkey yeah yeah yes it is and he yeah he's a good drummer isn't he he's been in like success suggesting that ringer wasn't a good

time no i wasn't i mean um i was kind of slightly comparing it to the the beatles sons that are being discussed as possible this is the other the other ringo son, isn't he? Yeah. They could call him Rongo. Yeah. There's Darnie Harrison. That's a very hippie name, isn't it? You could never lie about your age. What, George Harrison went for a hippie name? No, but Frank, it's cruel because he can't ever knock any years off because it's so obvious when he was conceived. No, maybe you're right, yeah.

They all look like their dads, which is a good plus because they've got a look-alike thing. Yeah, that's true. I don't like it. I bet the bootleg Beatles aren't happy about a good plus, because they've got a look-alike thing. Yeah, that's true. I don't like it. I bet the leg beetles aren't happy about hearing about this, are they? You know, all the tribute bands, I bet they're like, oh, no way. You can't compete with the actual blood. I do think, though, Frank, I'm sorry,

just because the parents have the talent, I didn't inherit my parents' ability to smoke and drink into the small hours. I think you did. For 70s celebrities. You certainly did. I'll tell you what I really like about this, though, is how long it's taken them to have this idea.

Like, I think this should have been something that they got out of the system when they were 10 in a living room at a party or something. And yet now they are in their 30s and it's a business proposition. Well, I did something I try not to do. I read Jan Moyer's column in the Daily Mail and she's Lucifer. Yeah, she actually is Lucifer.

And I find generally, if you disagree with Jan Moyer, that God will love you. But there was actually, I don't know if it's a joke, but there was quite a good joke when she said, she referred to them as here come the sons. And that was good. I'm open. I can't believe there is a sliver of humour in the dark, flint-like soul of Jan Moyer. There's a lot of homophobia, but no humour.

I like to think that that was a... Would it be a copy editor that come up with headlines? No, it weren't in the headline. It was in the actual... Oh, because I don't know if it's a copy editor that come up with headlines? No, it weren't in the headline. It was in the actual... Oh, God. It was a headline. To discover that Jan Moyer's got a sense of humour would be... Yeah.

That would be terrible news. I thought maybe the fab four bears. Very good, very good. Because their four bears were... Or Beetlejuice. Is that too crude? No, that's first class. Yeah, and if I was still living in West Bromwich,

I would have said Babby Road. But I don't think they say Babby in other parts of the country. But that's what we need. We need a name for the Beatle Boys. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. It's still Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. It's still Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh. Frank, we've had a text in,

and I like to think this is your sort of relationship corner when you help bring people together. Oh, yeah. Because this is Will Bate. He says, Morning, great show. Please, can you tell my wife I'm sorry and love you loads? Off to rugby, i told her i was

working all day oh he's gone and lied well no he's lied but then he's come he's come good and you know yeah it's easter it's a time for um resurrection maybe that's what the people's story's all about yeah exactly so uh yeah okay so, Will's sorry that he's gone to the rugby. Because this is slightly tinged for me by the fact that I hate rugby. I'd rather go to work. Even if I worked in an abattoir, I'd prefer it to going to rugby. Well, I definitely would. That sounds good. It does. It'd be all right when you think of it. It depends what your job is, really. You could punch all the carcasses like Rocky. Get it out your ears. Oh, my God.

Well, why are they dead? Dang. I'd like it because I could wear white wellies. Imagine me saying, I'll bet with the electric thing. See if I can actually kill one with my bare hand. I mean, it's going to die anyway. What difference is it going to make? No, no, it'll be fine.

It'll be fine. Oh, the complaints we'll get for that. Oh, well. You know what they get like about animals. going to die anyway what difference is it going to make no no leave me be fine be fine oh the complaints we'll get for that oh well um you know what they get like about animals luckily we're out of here we're gone baby gone we talked about i think it was on not the weekend podcast which is by the way available for download on wednesday and it's completely different material only available on the not the Weekend podcast. Anyway, we talked on that about letting down our brand. Do you remember when people expect you to behave in a certain way and then you behave in...

Well, West Bromwich Albion are at home today. Lovely. And I am going to miss a West Bromwich Albion home game. Are you, Frank? I'm going to miss a West Bromwich Albion home game. You know why? Because I'm going to a hypnobirthing class. Oh, no.

I don't know what it means exactly. I imagine that Paul McKenna was born by that. By that method, but I could be wrong. So, yeah, I'm going hypnobirthing. I think that's lovely. A football match. It's actually on. The class is from three till five.

It couldn't clash more. I can't even read my instant text scores. Let that be a lesson to Will Bate, the rugby fan. If you want to see every home game, I'm afraid the way forward is celibacy.

That's my advice. Anyway, next is Vicky Blight, who is one of the nicest people I know in this business. Can I tell you that? And it's no joke, she's just lovely. And I think that's it, isn't it? And have a lovely Easter, and if the good Lord spares us

and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Ta-ra a bit. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. next week. Ta-ra a bit. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.