The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Buzz

Episode Date: May 26, 2012

Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Alun Cochrane as he reveals the new addition to the radio family. The team also discuss Will.I.Am and the Olympic torch.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, my regular cohorts of this show. And if you want to text us about anything at all, we're on 8-12-15. Yeah, not making it up. So, um... What might they want to text you about? I mean, I wonder.

I don't know, but something happened to me. How's your week been this week? I'll tell you what happened. Um... As you may know, I announced on the show a few weeks ago that my beloved girlfriend, Kath, was pregnant. Well... Time rolls on, of course.

This week, as George Formby said, I had to get up quickly in the middle of the night. And guess what? This comes to pass Everybody. When a child is born Yes, I am a father. Oh.

Congratulations. Thank you. It's very, very exciting. It would have also been funny to play that and then go, No am a father. Oh. Congratulations. Thank you. It's very, very exciting. It would have also been funny to play that and then go, no news. Yeah. Exactly. She's left me, I can't find her. Can I just say, I worried we all went a bit baritone there, including me. But it's okay.

Yeah, I think that's what, no one can get up there with Johnny Mathis. No. I've always said that. So, yes, so I'm not going to... In case anyone now is listening and doesn't have children and thinks, oh, God, he's going to go on and on about it, I'm going to fight that urge. If I spoke about my son in detail,

it would just collapse into noises from me, like, oh! So I'm not going to try and do that. But there are things I didn't know i didn't know about the squeeze danger oh jules holland yeah why did he turn up i know about that yeah he had like uh like a sort of a tuxedo jacket on but with jeans oh i don't like i don't like that piano yeah he seemed a bit awkward actually jules but anyway um no i didn't know that piano. Yeah. You seemed a bit awkward, actually, Jules. But anyway, no, I did know that when you're older, babe, there's a real temptation to go... and just basically just squeeze them till their eyes pop.

Oh, I did that. Was that wrong? That's a rule. You have to fight that. But, no, it's brilliant. And I should... Anything else you want to know? He was nine pounds. He's a decent size, Frank.

That's a great size. Yeah, well, apparently David Baddielson, when told that, said, is that how much babies cost? Yeah, not at the hospital we stayed at. I don't like to brag, and I know it's not a competition, but I was nine pound ten. And I do take a great deal of pride in it

which is weird because i had no control over that but for some reason i often find myself telling people my birth why do people always talk about the weight when i sent the text sorry you're asking me why do people always talk about the baby thing when you send the text off you've got to put the weight in that's absolutely we've had a congratulations text from 660. First one. First one in. Well done, 660. There's nothing like being congratulated by someone you only know as a nomad. And also... It's like working in communist Russia.

Frank, 131. I didn't know this. 131. I have 11 weeks to go before my wife produces our daughter. Our daughter. We've got any names yet? We're thinking 278. well that's lovely well it's um it's all brilliant anyway and uh i it's very exciting but i don't get the white thing you would if i text it if i say if i was a single man and i'd met a woman last night i wouldn't text you and said met this gorgeous bird last night in china white i'd say um i'd say seven stone eleven no so it's uh the squeeze thing reminds me of uh our keith my brother um i think i might have told you guys this i don't ever confess this to our listeners he was the school fat boy our keys and every every school kid wore shorts in those days

there was no there was no long trousers at all that was the teachers and when he came home he used to sit and he had like these big fat chubby thighs and i was like i was much i'm seven years younger than him i used to just grab his thighs and go oh fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat because she couldn't do it now. No. No, I'd be in trouble. I'd love it if a boyfriend tried that on with me. No, I'd love it if a boyfriend tried that on with me. I'm not saying my baby looks like Arkeet's thighs, but that squeezability, I love it.

Oh, hang on. 106, incredibly happy for you, Frank. The sun is truly shining. See? Aye. First pun of the Congratulations pun That's very apt for this show I think he looks a bit like you Frank

I should say that Emily came and visited Yesterday I can't work that out Aren't they supposed to look like the dad In case the dad runs off Yes but your mother-in-law said he looked like Graham Norton She said that to me. Someone's got questions to answer.

I'm pretty confident the father is not Graham Norton. Unless Kath got it off the toilet seat. If the tabloids get hold of this. Exactly. To be cock-holded by Graham Norton. Those of you who were shocked by that should look up what cock-holding means. It's not what you think.

I might even announce the name after this. I mean, you know, I'm going crazy now, why not? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, this is the name that I went for. Now, I know celebrity types get condemned for giving their babies unusual and thingy names. He's called Boz. Oh, I love it.

B-U-double-Z. I love it too. If you're my age, obviously he's after Boz Aldrin, the second man on the moon. For you youngsters listening, yes, it's that puppet from Toy Story. Everyone's a winner.

But I'm thinking very much um uh buzz aldrin second man on the moon i think that's a good thing to be named after this because let's face it to infinity and beyond is quite a tough one to live up to yeah it's actually logically impossible i don't know if you're aware of that yes but um second man on the moon it means you know you don't always have to be, you don't always have to be first. You don't always have to be the main man. Also, Buzz is way cooler than Neil. And he's way more interesting.

Who needs to be the first man if you've got the coolest name? Exactly. One of the reasons Neil was first is that he is fundamentally boring, isn't he? I mean, he was really boring, like dependably boring. Buzz was definitely interesting. He was a bit more interesting. I interviewed Buzz once and he was really boring, like dependably boring. Boz was definitely interesting. He was a bit more interesting. I interviewed Boz once, and he was brilliant. And when he walked on stage, I actually said to him,

careful, there's just one small step. He took it very well, I must say. So his second name is Cody, as in Buffalo Bill Cody, the greatest showman of all time. So I've worked out his career. I looked at him. I don't know if've worked out his career. I looked at him. I don't know if many dads do this, but I looked at him.

And, you know, you're supposed to say, oh, he's so blah, blah. And I said, oh, God, he's going to be so funny. I said, he's so thin. Do you know what I must say? He's got a very shapely leg. Oh, my. He's glamour modelling.

Are we overdoing this, though? Are people being sick at home? No. We've had a lot of texts in, actually. Nugget has said, congratulations on the safe arrival of Master Radio. Oh, I love that. I love that.

This is what I'm going to play. If ever I should mention him again, I thought, when I say that his name is Boz. Here he comes. If I was him, I'd get that on a little speaker every time he enters a room. Yeah, that's Master Radio. 194 has texted, congratulations, enjoy the sleepless nights and the green poop.

Thanks very much. Oh, no, that was to me, actually. Got a lot on in the next few weeks. Some big night plans. I think I already went through that in the 80s on my own. There's a lot of people with sage advice. Oh, yeah. Well done, Frank.

Just watch out for the fountain when you change the nappies. I'm looking forward to that. It's thirsty work. Frank762 says, congrats. Also, you won the race withies i'm i'm looking forward to that it's thirsty work frank 762 says congrats also you won the race with chris evans wife i think you did in so many ways but that's well i'm i don't know if you know but when you're having a baby um you go to a thing called the nct group or a lot of people do and you sort of learn about labor and all that i don't mean as in um ed miller band stuff that'd be that'd be a tedious night out but anyway um you learn about all this and so there's a group of us there's seven that was all in it together and we were we were due to have the baby first and then there was one

premature one and one so we were we actually came in third and i don't want to come in any later than third because we were talking about it the other night, and there's already two born, and it's a bit like the Chilean minors. Right, yeah, yeah. You know, it's really exciting at first. The sixth or seventh one won't even get a card. I think it's the way it's going. So I'm just glad he's out and he's well and his mother is out. The NCT, you're on the podium, at least.

And the great thing about maternity hospitals is that everybody is incredibly used to maternity, whereas obviously when you're in as an individual especially for your first one it's a massively life-changing thing and kath was already in uh mighty labor when we arrived we had the exciting five across five o'clock drive across london with me um very worried about her and slightly worried about the upholstery. Yeah. And when we got in, we got in this lift and the bloke was there, like the porter bloke,

and she's squatting on the floor next to me going... And he said to me, so what do you think about Roy Hodgson? Oh, life. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

As predicted, we have had communication from the outside world. Can I say thanks to anyone we don't read out, obviously, but thank you for everyone who sent lovely texts. Yeah, we're having many congratulations texts. I feel like I'm in the bosom of my family with the radio, like you guys and you guys out there. It's clearly affecting your vocabulary as well. Yeah, I've got bosoms on my mind.

But hey, when didn't I have? We've had an email saying, Baby weight. I mentioned earlier that I was 9 pound 10 at birth. Hey guys, listening to the show from Brisbane in Australia and loving it, you can guess where the exclamation marks were in that and that lets us know that we're dealing with an antipodean, I think.

Aww. Feel the need to get involved with the baby weight chat, get involved again, antipodean. I was £10.08, brackets female, closed brackets. What? I think I saw a picture in the paper this morning. 19 now and still looking good.

I was £10.08 female and I take great pride in it, however odd that may be. That's a smashing weight. I love competitiveness, however you are invited. It's a thing you've got absolutely no power over but yet you do feel a sense of pride what were you Frank? I was nine and a half myself I think that was mainly

my brain I was seven I think start as I mean to go on no carbs my mother believed in by the way I spoke obviously I found all my family and everything. I found Ann Orr. And I was a bit worried about telling her the name.

She might go trad. Well, yeah, I think she'd like a sort of a Michael or a Peter rather than a Boz. And I said, oh, he's called Boz Cody. And she said, oh, that's posh. Cody. And she said, oh, that's Posh. Oh. I don't know if that was quite right. I hope she's all right with it there.

Oh, I love Arnold. Speaking of Posh, we were in a lovely, we were in the post-delivery room thing. And the person came in, an official-looking person, said, I've got your child benefit forms. I said, how dare you? I thought I needed a more telly. People think I've gone down the nick.

It's your entitlement, though. I know, but... As a taxpayer. I felt like saying... You know when you say you're on yourself? I think I might say that to the state. Have a drink. Go on, put it in your pocky.

Put it in your pocky. Frank, we've also had word in from your ex-cleaner Dorota never did the word cleaner come any slower than that oh from Dorota how lovely yes yeah she says congrats

that's beautiful Dorota may I say is a very probably the best cleaner of all time. She left you, didn't she? Let's hope your current cleaner's not listening now. Where's Dorota, then? She left me for Daniel Craig. Oh, yes, I forgot. And Rachel Weisz.

But, you know, it was geographical as well. I had no hard feelings. I shall always love her. Do you know what? I think last time you mentioned this, it made the papers. Did it? Frank, can I think last time you mentioned this, it made the papers. Did it? Frank, can I tell you, from that email, I get the sense that you're standing over her while she writes that.

Do you? Yes, I've just got that feeling. There's no kiss, there's no dear Frank. I think he's hanging from a wire on the ceiling, dressed all in black. In some ombre briefs. We've also had a text saying, Congratulations, Frank, but if Buzz was born in in London which footy team will he have to

support? Oh my god. Unfortunately I couldn't talk Kath into Sanwell District Hospital. Certainly not at four o'clock in the morning. So I'm afraid he was and I've always maintained you have to support the team that was

you can literally measure the nearest team to where you were born. But then what if you move? It makes your parents have to stay very static. No, it's all about birth. I mean, I've moved. I still have to go to West... When I say I have to go to West Brom. It feels like that sometimes. But, yeah, no, I do believe you should support your local team.

That's awkward. But you might, hopefully you'll fight that urge. There is an old football chant that says, my old man said be an Arsenal fan. Yes. And football fans will know the rest of us. We know how that ends. I can't repeat it.

But he should geographically be an Arsenal fan. You see, that's my local team as well. That might mean that I have to get some really good locks on the house on Saturdays in keeping me in. It's painful, but, you know,

morally, you should be. I wish I hadn't asked that. No, I wish you hadn't. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I was £11.13. Is. Yeah, what a summer that was, eh?

I'm glad you got over that. I know, but I got bored of that cabbage soup. That's Clint from Crawley. I love the fact this has become a text, you know, how heavy I work. And also, how do we know people aren't just coming up with any random figure they like? Because they don't. I don't think people would lie about their birth weight. I think you're right.

I think it's one of the few things in the modern world where people would consider that just beyond the pale, to lie about your own birth weight. What kind of evil heart would that individual have? Just think, I'll put a couple of pounds on all now. Oh, man. Frank Sinatra was £13.10 apparently was he? yeah and was an only child

who would have thought that that mother didn't think yeah more for me his mum was only 5 foot tall she was inside out for 2 years that is because you know he was famous for being thin in his early days he didn't eat though

they used to do like, all these old cartoons. Whenever he featured, you used to get him, like, sucking through... He'd be sucked through a straw and all that. He was so thin at 30. Whiskey and fags. Anyway, that's baby talk. I think it moved on to Frank Sinatra talk, didn't it? It took a lot of showers as well, Frank Sinatra. Took a lotatra talk It took a lot of showers as well

Frank Sinatra Took a lot of showers It varies Is that some euphemism or something? No no I think he had like Between 5 and 15 showers a day That's quite a wide margin 5 and 15

Depends on what you read My wife read a book on him And it said 5 showers a day and then the other day we went, that can't be true, and we looked online, and it was like 15 and 10. There's lots of different, but he took a lot of showers. Take it from me. Very bad circulation as well. Why?

Old blue hounds, these. No, that's the showers. Isn't that a sign of guilt? Trying to wash away his evil Like Pontius Pilate Speaking of Pontius Pilate I was watching the news this morning

and there's a new scheme, I think I'd call it, with Mary Portis, you know Mary Portis with the sort of 1960s Yeah, I know Mary Porters. She drove past me and I took her dislike. She drove past you? And I took her dislike.

Really, that quickly? The way she drove past me, I took her dislike. Soft top car and I just thought, who are you? Yeah. I took her dislike. Was top down or top up? Top down. How dare you?

Sounds right to me. But you couldn't see because the roof was up. But is it a pun? Is Porter's pilot, is that a pun on Ponty's pilot? I don't. Oh yes, it must be.

I think it must be, but I don't think it's a very good one. Well I think it's quite good. It's just an unlikely thing to pun on, isn't it? A character from the... An evil character from the New Testament. Yes. Maybe not evil, but, you know, weak. Mm-hmm. But they're officially called, are they,

the Port of Pied Pile? I believe so. You're right. It's not a name you hear bandied around. Sandy War is saying to me that is correct. She knows everything. See, they've come up with a scheme. I don't know quite what the scheme is. It's something to do with increasing trade and more red hair. It's a million pound being shared between some towns that are a bit... Yeah, there you go.

But they've actually pawned on it. It's one of those... You know when we used to talk about those idiotic eureka moments when you suddenly realise a pawn? I thought I'd found a pawn in that list. Right. Well, Frank, oh, this is all coming together so seamlessly. We've actually had an email in re an idiotic Eureka moment,

our favourite things. This is from Andy in Finland. He's talking about where I am. He says, dearest Frank, Emily and Alan... Can I say Finland isn't the Scandinavian country? It's a shark-based theme park in Wiltshire. I had a disconcerting idiotic eureka moment the other

day when I became conscious of the fact that Will.i.am... When I became conscious? Did we mention that he's been in a coma since the 80s? Will.i.am, sorry. I became conscious of the fact that Will.i.am voiced slash Black Eyed Beans, he said. That's incorrect, haven't I?

Oh, he made a mistake. bless him he's from finland i just assumed that was a little joke is in fact just an alternative way of pronouncing the name william that's a fabulous idiotic eureka moment. Can you look at that without thinking, oh, he's based that on William? That's great. He says, it's made me consider restressing the syllables

in my own name to form and, are, you. Oh, I see. Could anyone... I love the idea that Andy's sitting there in Finland looking at William and thinking, hold on a minute. Look, if you look at it, saying to people, look, if you look at it like that, it's like it says William.

I feel like we ought to tell him that Tom Jones is short for Thomas and Jesse is short for Jessica as well, because these things aren't obvious to this guy. What's Jay short for? I don't know, I think that's probably just a made-up showbiz thing. I think we should all do it. I think you could be Alan Cock-O-Ran. It's a bit like Cock-O-Van, you see.

Horrible. Yeah. I could be M... I can actually do it because I've got an I in the middle of my name. M-I-L-I. Perfect. Oh, nice. M-I-L-I sounds like a very upfront branch of the Secret Services.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, you need to get yourself down to the betting shop. Oh, yeah? Because we've had a text... What, Engelbert? I've already had ten grand on Engelbert. I'm really worried about him. I haven't had ten grand on Engelbert. Ten grand.

I'm really worried about him. Yeah, I haven't had any sleep, you see. I'm very worried about him tonight. I just am. He doesn't look well. Em thinks he's going to die of a heart attack on stage. I'm sure he won't. I just, I don't know, I've got a bad feeling about it.

That would be so... He looks sweaty, you know. He looks ill. Steve from Wakefield congrats to frank on his good news just noticed a horse running at 205 at york called get a buzz must be an omen surely well i haven't had a bet for years but i'm tempted by like any man who this time of a saturday morning has already got his head around what's running today it's my kind of guy my dad would have would have loved him.

Excellent. So, Frank, there's been some new Olympic torch updates this week. You might have to keep me up with the news. I've slightly missed out a bit. Well, I know you're a fan of the torch. I like the fact that the Olympic torch is becoming a bit like Imogen Thomas or someone. It's like in the papers every single day, isn't it? What, has Ryan Giggs been running with it this week?

Wearing a full- face balaclava no but it was spotted with um will i am will i am of course yes i don't know if you ever noticed but will i am it's like william it's just like sort of broken down no way is that from the black eyed beans can i ask you. Can I ask you a question? Have any of the papers used the headline this week, phew, what a torture? No. No? Oh, well, they have missed it.

Opportunity missed. It's a massive trick they have. So he went running with it through Taunton, or Taughton, as he called it. Right. Yes. He likes a Taunton. He was tweeting a lot though

he said some brilliant things been criticised for the tweeting I don't think you want Olympic torch in one hand and mobile in the other well it seems a bit churlish to criticise him because at least he's tweeting about he's doing the publicity for the torch

isn't he, he's going this is so exciting I'm carrying the torch it's not like he took a call from his mum and was like, you know, I've just got to run with this blooming torch. Does the Olympic torch need PR? But I liked it, he said he was thinking of Michael Jackson. And then he said he got... Well, that time he caught fire.

Yeah. He said he got... And then he got a bit paranoid about name- he said i don't want to time jones it i love that jonesing it is now a verb for name dropping stop jonesing it and he also said he said he wouldn't be selling it on ebay um it was going in his house and then he says as the decorum is golden brown in his house the Oh, really? The decorum, yeah. He's decorum. He is.

I have to say, I have absolutely grown to love him on The Voice. Yeah. Because I think I've always associated cool. You get so cool, you get cold. You know what I'm saying? Yes. But he's extremely cool, but also seems like very cuddly and funny and all that. Oh, he's my kind of guy and also he's nagging apparently it's a lot like william but it's not will i do you ever know that uh american comic

his name is billion no yeah fabulous amalgam of the abbreviation and the full name i can't remember his surname but yeah billion frank the torch went out, though. It's rubbish, that torch. What's the point? That's not an eternal flame. It can't just go out. It's like swimming the channel and stopping for a spa break every five minutes. I think it should be.

Do you remember those sort of bent wire things and you used to have to move a metal thing around? And if there was a zzzz, you had to go back to the beginning. Yeah. I think if the torch goes out, you have to go back to Athens beginning. Yeah. I think if the torch goes out you have to go back to Athens. That's what it's supposed to be isn't it? It's got a lot of publicity and it's not actually as good as the

torch app on my iPhone that I love. I love the torch. I'm sure I've talked to you before about how much I love it. Is that when you can just use it as a torch? Yeah it's brilliant. It's genuinely great for cinema trips or lost keys or. But you want the flat. What they should have gone for is just, you know, the red and yellow paper that you get on those sort of

mock flame things sometimes in restaurants. They should have gone for one. Also, when I watch the Olympic tours, it just makes me think, wouldn't it have been more spectacular if this had been done at night? Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. It reminds me when they celebrated 100th year of the Hawthorns

at West Bromwich, and they had fireworks before the kick-off, 3 o'clock kick-off. And nothing, there was just noise and a slight smell of gunpowder in the air. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215 about more or less anything you like. Yes, mate, including that.

Yeah. Your birth weights. Yeah, we've been there. Frank Sinatra's birth weight. Yeah, it turns out Frank Sinatra has got... I never noticed he had a scar on his cheek. Yes. 760 says the scar on his cheek is from the forceps the doctor used when he

was delivered. That's a big thing. Do they go down that far? I don't believe that anyway. I suspect that was studio propaganda to cover up for the fact that he might have been involved in a Sicilian incident, shall we say. It suggests to me that my action man had a forceps button.

It's possible. Who knows what goes on a pally toy? I think your action man might have just got into fisticuffs outside one of those clubs in Vauxhall or something. No, it wouldn't. It'd be an older shot, wouldn't it? Yes. With some locals, or inauxhall or something. No, it wouldn't. It'd be an older shot, wouldn't it? Yes. With some locals. Or in Cyprus or something like that.

Anyway. So, Frank, we were talking about the Olympic torch. Yeah, I... You know, I sort of sound like I was cynical about it, but I love the fact that they're milking 70 days out of it. I mean, the Olympics are a big thing, but let's get 70 days of publicity out of it. Yeah.

And a bit of torch every day. I did think that like that it is a very commercial the way it's gone with it i did think what would be most perfect is when they finally get to the cauldron at the end it's just simon kell sitting with a cigar waiting for it to be lit just to establish power. He's our ultimate power in this country. And also, I don't know who the official tobacco is of the Olympics, but... I don't think there is. No, because it's not 1973, Frank. But they're crying out to become souvenir lighters, the mini torches, aren't they?

Oh, you're right. Yeah, yeah. It's a pity that it's so unpopular in association with sport, that kind of thing. But your little mini torch, so perfect. I was thinking of the marketing opportunities. It would be good if it didn't stop going out. I mean, this is what I hate about it. It's rubbish.

And no other country does it do that. Can you back me up? How many, just clue me in really, how many people run with it? How long do they run for? I think they get about a mile each. Oh, okay. But it's a lot of them are sort of charity workers from the local area and people that have done what, you know, like

you know, do-gooders. There used to be do-gooders. Sound like Jeremy Clarkson. A lot of them are do-gooders. Like when like jeremy clark a lot of the do-gooders like when you look to the new year's honors list yeah you think oh great him yeah and then there's like uh there's there's a post-mystery from sky in this world people are divided very much into celebrity and do-gooder aren't they in things like this i'm not saying that the twain shall meet i'm pleased for the do-gooders i hope you know in, I probably prefer them than the celebrities. Will.i.am I like.

I like the idea that do-gooder is seen as a bit of a slight on someone's character. Someone who does good. I like the sound of that. Yeah, exactly. Dave Gorman once told me that he'd heard me disparagingly referred to as a crowd pleaser. I am ashamed of myself. Yeah, of myself. Yeah. I'm a friend.

No, it's... I also like the sort of... There's an element of the old Frankenstein films, people holding, like, the torches up and running through small provincial towns. Yeah, I did like... Yeah. You want, like, 50 villagers to arrive at Rebecca Brooks' house shouting, bring out the monster.

Did you see that thing on the telly? When they asked about when she got arrested, she was very upset, very angry about it. And her husband said he felt she'd got no chance of a fair trial. He said, I think it's been a witch hunt. I thought, you shouldn't have brought up that concept. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. So, what's new with you guys? It's been, you know, it's Tim Meade, this show. Me, me, me. I couldn't tell you. I hired a car recently. Oh, my headphones have gone funny. Oh.

Anyway. Frank had a baby. You hired a car. I had a car recently. Oh, my headphones have gone funny. Frank had a baby, you hired a car in the same week. I've very rarely hired cars. In fact, I don't think I've ever hired a car in the United Kingdom in my life. And I was doing a gig, you know, my little

comedy career. We haven't forgotten that. I'm not just in broadcasting. Don't tell me somebody said it was a plug yourself. I wasn't. That's all gone a bit will. I'm not just in broadcasting. Don't tell me somebody said it was a plug yourself. I wasn't. That's all gone a bit Will.i.am with the talk. For a gig that happened last week. Stop jonesing it.

I've not got this right, have I? But I hired a car. I love a hire car. I'd been to Belfast and I have a car of my own hire, of my own car, but I had to hire a car to drive to the gigs. No, but you know when you hire a car, it's like the difference between a long-term relationship in a one-night stand you feel you can be a little bit rough with it and everything will be fine well people have definitely been roughly insights into uh i meant in the night your social life back then i think people had paid that extra where there's no problem with damaging the vehicle and, like, there's no financial penalty.

I am too stingy for that. I refused that, so it would still have cost me. No, I definitely... My driving is a bit more swashbuckling in a car. I've never hired a car. This car had under 3,000 miles on it and it had been knocked about a bit. Let me tell you, somebody had been mistreated.

But it was really weird. Again, very one-night stand. Right, I want you to take that back I take it back but it was really weird because I had done it online before it and it had come up with Vauxhall Astra or similar because they don't guarantee what colour

you're going to get or similar worries me would you have that in a relationship or similar yeah probably Rod Stewart certainly did it's just been one after the next in a relationship or similar? Yeah, probably. Ron Stewart certainly did. It's just been one after the next. But the woman was determined to not give me an Astra.

I went in and she was going, I'll see if I can give you something else. And I was like, I'm fine, I've hired the Astra. And she's going, no, no, I'll have a look. And then she went, I could upgrade you to a Scirocco or something for 30 quid. And I went, no, I don't really want to pay extra. She's seen you on Live at the Apollo and thought, I can't put this guy in an Astra. I haven't done it.

Oh, OK. Awkward. Oh, dear. But I don't think she had. And then she did a really weird thing where she went, oh, I could give you a VW Polo as an upgrade. And I went, but an Astra's bigger. Surely that's a downgrade rather than an upgrade. Then it got a bit awkward there.

And then I thought, is she a badge snob? Is that what it is? She thinks Volkswagen's better than Vauxhall. We've got a Clarkson on our hands here, I thought to myself. So in the end, after much to-ing and fro-ing, she went, I can give you an upgrade. This is a better car if you're doing a motorway. Because I was dropping it off in Manchester, where I live,

and she hired me, like a big 4x4 Mitsubishi thing. How embarrassing. For the same price as a Vauxhall Astra or similar. That's one of those Kanye West cars. Oh, yeah, it took forever to get out of London. It's got a sort of Yomi Momi thing to it. Yeah, yeah, it was's one of those Kanye West cars. Oh yeah, it took forever to get out of London. It's got a sort of Yomi Momi thing to it. Yeah, yeah, it was definitely one of those and you know

when you put it in reverse, a little screen showed behind the car, it was all mod cons. The heated seats were on for an hour before I could turn them off and I thought I'd had an accident. I'm not going to lie. I have to say, heated seats are one of those things that sound a lot better than they actually are.

Definitely. In the experience. When you have a car with heat, I did once before, and you don't use it. No, it reminds me of the 80s of, you know, sitting in my own filth. Exactly. I don't need that in my life.

It's exactly the feeling. But it was a very high up riding position, so it felt like I was driving on motorways in a high chair. Well, I've often wondered about that. Yeah. Because I've never driven one of those cars. I've been driven in them. It felt a bit like being a tennis umpire and a load of ball boys had got mischievous and were just pushing me around.

You are so high up, aren't you? Yeah. I loved it. I think I'd be very tempted to start calling advice to pedestrians from a loud hailer. Like the man at Hampton Court Maze, you know, who helps people out. Have you ever done that? There's a bloke that sits in the middle, I don't know if there is now,

there used to be, who through a loud hailer helps people who are lost. And I've never known whether you have to tell him you're lost or he just thinks, oh, I'll start helping it. Frank, there is no such man. That was just laid on for you because of your appalling sense of direction. That's not what it was.

I need that man to follow me everywhere, actually. It would be really annoying if you'd gone into the maze for a bit of fun and there's somebody telling you the directions. Yeah, yeah. Spoiler alert. I'd like to, uh... Oh, I'd like to try the big 4x4. As I say, I got on very well with it.

The relationship didn't last, but the fondness for the 4x4 did. I don't think you could get any higher. This is Frank Skinner of Slick Radio. Frank, unsurprisingly, we're getting lots of lovely texts re-buzz this morning. Yes. Yes. I should just turn on. Buzz is my son.

People don't know what I'm... What you're saying. Yeah. When I've told people his name, they've gone, Buzz, is it? Because of my accent. So I've picked a name for my child that I can't say. Yes, because Ian has texted in and said

congratulations to you both on the birth of boz yes so i will um as someone with i think pretty standard english beautiful beautifully i've always said that yeah oh lovely uh it's buzz yes okay frank we've had another uh i've had a tweet in, actually. It's not from Will.i.am, sadly. It's from someone called Tom. OMG, we're doing tweets on the show. Yes, because I rather like this. What we have moved into the 21st century at last. He says,

Buzz Skinner or Buzz Collins? Is Frank's son a Charlie Sheen or an Emilio Esteve? Very fine. I like that. And good, can I say, good pronunciation on Esteve. I've never heard it said like that before. No. say good pronunciation on Estivet I've never I've never heard it said like that before

no have you said Estivet I'm not even sure it's correct no I think it is but I liked it it is he's an Emilio

because he's called he's Boz Cody Collins not Skinner I should say Collins is my birth name Skinner is a name I adopted for my professional work

in case you don't get that. Absolute, by the way, bought me a lovely present today. It looked like a bunch of flowers and then every one of the blooms was a little baby clothing item to be unfolded. Beautiful. And as for Emily, Dean arrived at the hospital yesterday with gifts.

The Dallas music struck up as I arrived. I didn't even know there was a brand called Baby Dior. No. Yes. You've got to buy Dior for a baby. The most fabulous... Even the boxes.

I'll keep the boxes forever. That's not even to me. There's actually a Dior Bonnie. Yes. No. Lovely. Very nice. Always fluffy.

Excellent. What else? I Very nice. Always fluffy. Excellent. What else has we... I was on about your... We were talking... I had a motoring experience. There's a company called Addison Lee in London. I'm familiar with their work. Yeah, a minicab company.

And they've decided to challenge the bus lane... Yeah. Not the boss lane, the bus lane regulation. At the moment moment only certain vehicles but not and they've been telling their drivers to take it on

to go in there and they'll pay the fines and I was in an Addison Leacock the other day and we actually went into the boss lane out of hours

you know and we weren't allowed in it was very very exhilarating you know we talked a few weeks ago about things we don't believe in. I don't

believe in the citizens' arrest, but this could have been a point where you could have applied one, couldn't you? Well, I felt like we were, I felt like Rosa Parks. I really felt that we were challenging, you know, a wicked and evil law. It was brilliant. Except it's not. It's a sensible law.

Probably is. Probably is sensible. I'm not, I haven't got all rebellious now, but it was exciting. You know, like you're with a mate and he says, come on, let's break into a shop. You know that feeling? No. Absolutely not. OK, music. Not for a while. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Frank, 131, one of our regulars. Our old friend, 131. He's a sort of Moriarty figure for you, I think. He says, BCC, that's Ree, Buzz, Cody, Collins. Yes. Frank's son's initials will ensure that he's kept informed with all memos and emails throughout the rest of his life. Hey! What a lovely thought, though. All the omensos and emails throughout the rest of his life. Hey!

What a lovely thought, though. All the omens are good. All the omens are good. What was that race again? The 205? Anyway, I'll look at it before I go. Oh, yeah, the 205 at York. There's also a few people texting about hire cars.

Oh, yeah. When I hired the car, I didn't know the area very well. It was in Marble Arch, and I drove out and did a little sort of drive around the local streets, and I drove past, like, a little square, and on the corner there were two armed policemen, one of them eating a Snickers. Like a cliché, just chomping on a chocolate bar.

You don't want that. Do you want a certain amount of gravitas from an armed policeman? Exactly, yeah. Not some bloke that's, like, he's on a stakeout in an american cop film or something so i did a loop of this little square and then i still didn't know the controls of the car so i pulled in but on a double yellow line but i was only pulling in to familiarize myself with the vehicle as they say now i wake up yeah and then this cop came over he'd finished his snickers now and he came over and I sort of waved saying, oh, yeah, I know. And I was about to pull off and he put his hand up as if to go, don't pull off.

And I thought, well, he's got a gun. Oh, blimey. I'll stay. What kind of gun did he have? He had a gun. Automatic. Yeah, yeah. And he came up and...

You see, I've always felt an automatic weapon must give you a lovely sense of self-confidence. Can I say I find it slightly appetisier? Certainly. I know that's wrong. I didn't. I love it. He wasn't starved of self-confidence he certainly i find it's like aphrodisiac certainly i know that's wrong i did it but uh he wasn't starved of self-confidence either he came up and he did that policeman thing of rather than say can you why have you parked here he said can you tell me why you've pulled in here as if like i find that's an aphrodisiac i'm not gonna and i uh you know stand-up comics have got a million funny answers for things that they've said to policemen over the years.

It's like a well-trodden bit of material. I went, I've only just hired the car and I just pulled in to familiarise myself with the controls because I don't know any... And he laughed in my face. He just laughed as if to go... Oh, I love him. Oh, I drive cars not knowing the controls all the time.

That's what he looked like. That's what you want to hear from somebody with an automatic weapon. He didn't say that. I've only borrowed this for ten minutes from one of the armed coppers at the station. I'm actually traffic control normally. So I familiarised myself and then drove off. But the controls that I did not familiarise myself with

were the heated seats. It took me an hour, an hour and a half to get rid of them. I don't even want to think about your lower sweatiness during those moments. It's terrible. You can slip straight off a seat in a car. Yeah. If that's on long enough.

Not if you've got the seatbelt on. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've heard from the outside world. This is from Katie. This is an email. OK. Based to Communique.

Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, please can you ask Emily, lovely, if she will help me out, as I know she will know what to do. It's my birthday on Monday, and I'm going to have to sit or stand through several renditions of Happy Birthday. Obviously this is lovely, but after 26 years, I still don't know what to do not to look awkward. By the time they've reached dear Katie, I'm cringing, waiting for it to end. What can I do to feel less awkward?

I know Emily will have great suggestions. Lots of love, Katie. Thanks for your confidence, Katie. Yeah, I've always found um tears you start crying early on and you see people start looking at each other thinking should we be carrying on with this or shall we sort of go for a fade should we go for an early fade on happy birthday you see my advice to her i i've always thought this is odd about Happy Birthday, because this is about me, so why am I having to listen to you perform? I think that's very odd.

So what I do, Katie, is that the minute they get to that point, I would drown them out with Martine McCutcheon's This Is My Moment, very loudly. Or you could just join in with the Happy... Harmonise. Or what about just looking at them and going... Harmonise. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would put them on the spot. Is that what you just looking at them and going... Harmonise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harmonise. That would put them on the spot. Is that what you're going to do to bars every year? Looking bored. What would be a brilliant one would be to just very slowly, not in a sort of stormy night, but very slowly,

finish your drink, just take the jacket off the back of the chair, put it on, and just leave without any acknowledgement. How far would you get down the road when you could still hear,

and then as you disappear, one lone voice goes, speech. Really tragic. It's a good thing, though. It's a very good point. It's like lap dancing clubs. It's very hard to know what facial expression to adopt.

Is it? I mean, as far as I know, I haven't been in, well, I've been in two in my whole life, and they were both a long time ago, but I've found, mainly because I've found them excruciatingly embarrassing. What, the lap dancing club? What are you supposed to, smile? Wink?

Don't smile. That's creepy. No, exactly. Don't wink. Oh, God, don't wink. I'm a happy-go-lucky sort of a bloke. It feels inappropriate. The thumbs up. Especially last night wasn't the place to go. I just, you know, I just needed a break. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a text in. We were talking about the awkwardness of singing Happy Birthday or having it sung to you. Elizabeth says, I thoroughly enjoy it when people get awkward during Happy Birthday. I then sing it as slowly as possible

like a funeral march pace. Very enjoyable. I think I'll get on with her. I think you would, yeah. You should hook up. There used to be a stream of schadenfreude running through the listenership. Somebody's emailed saying heated car seats. I had great emailed saying, heated car seats.

I had great fun with my heated car seats, watching my already sweaty friend sweat even more on a long drive back to the UK through France. Just left the heated car seats on. Oh, man. Slightly grill him. But don't you suffer in the end? Because a sweaty friend, he's going to emanate.

Oh, absolutely, yeah. Especially by the time you got to Dover. You'd be pong with me, wouldn't you suffer in the end? Because a sweaty friend, he's going to emanate. Oh, absolutely, yeah. Especially by the time you got to Dover. You'd be pong with him. This week, I mean, it's been a sweaty week. I went to, the night before, the night before, let's call it that, the labour and all that, I went to see Avengers Assemble. That was my last night of inverted commas freedom. With Cat's sister, Rachel.

And we both, there's a 3D option and a 2D option, and we both agreed it was too hot for 3D. Too many layers. Now we'll have two, it's something about 2D felt a bit airier. Do you know what I mean? I understand.

Yeah. So I'm going to stick airier. Do you know what I mean? I understand. Yeah. So I'm going to stick with that. Also, as I walked in this morning, I walked in very early, and I walked through London, and there was a man cleaning the windows on a big shop. And he was cleaning the upstairs windows, but he didn't have a ladder. He had a long, long pole. That's a George Formby film. No, he had a long pole with like a hose going through it

and he just stood on the pavement with like a 30 foot pole. Wow. Cleaning the window. And as I walked towards him, I thought to myself, is it or is it not unlucky to walk under this because it's a ladder substitute? Would it be slightly unlucky?

Like a sort of a grey cat. Anyway, these are the thoughts that run through your head when you haven't slept for four nights. Yeah. And I must say, it is the closest to my wild drinking days. I felt for a long time. There's something, you can reach a level with not sleeping, which is a bit of a thrill.

Do you know what I mean? Tell me about it. Yeah, buzz indeed. Okay. So I think we've just about rounded up. If you thought this show felt long, next week it's three hours. I think that's the way to announce that one, isn't it? Yeah, we're expanding the show.

I take it as a great compliment. So next week we'll be on from 8 till 10, so that's very, very... Pardon? Till 11. Till 11, yeah. He's just had a baby. Yeah, my maths isn't brilliant, I must say. We've only been on for three hours, 8 till 10.

It's like when you get those sentences on the news. The last two hours were on concurrently. OK, next is Mark Crossley. Thank you very much for listening today and for slightly indulging my gooey sentimentality. I would like to say hello to my girlfriend Kat and Boz, who are both listening. And I love you all, and we'll be back next week.

That is, of course, if the good Lord is willing and the creeks don't rise. Goodbye. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Goodbye.