The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Car Salesman

Episode Date: February 11, 2012

Frank is joined by Alun Cochrane and Holly Walsh. This week the team discuss Frank's new car, how to beat anxiety and Valentines day.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you about how you can get 2 for 1 tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also I've got to tell you about how you can win a 5 night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there too. But I've run out of time. Frank, Frank, Frank Skinner, Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran and Holly Walsh, two leading lights in the British comedy world. What about this, then? Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fireside's delightful since there's no

place to go. Now, what I want to know is how many listeners went let it snow, let it snow. What do you think, Sefan? I'd say 60%, possibly. Oh, yeah, doesn't that sound weird? Yeah, I can't even hear the cockerel.

I'm broadcasting from the car park this week. Oh, it's about time. It seems, now you've got your Ivy's jacket, you might as well use it. Now I'm in the car park. That's what I meant by the leading light. You've actually got a lantern in the car park. Yeah, so the snow is all around us. I'm loving it.

Are you? Oh, God, I love it. I don't know why. I'll tell you one thing I notice is if it snows, me and my girlfriend immediately go for a walk, no matter what time of the night it is. We just go out. It's just love walking in the snow.

And you can see everything better because it's white. And it makes me think, why they ever opted for very dark grey for roads and pavements in the first place? If they were always painted white, you could save a lot on street lighting for a start-off, and it's just safer, and you can see dog mess, and all those other pluses. You wouldn't notice the chewing gum so much. I suppose it's like a white shirt, though. It would shove up the dirt, wouldn't it? And also, you wouldn't see the white lines in the middle of the road.

Well, they wouldn't be white. They'd be high-vis now, you see. You could do them orange like a football. It's about time they became high-vis. You know, I reckon, when in, like, 2,000 years' time, they look back at this era, they'll call it the high-vis era. You know, like the sort of Stone Age will be the high visage yeah it's true it's been high visage it's been a marvelous time for high vis i didn't even know what high vis meant about two

years ago i i was still saying day glow that's that's how far i was behind things but now here's an speaking of that that a song that you do that other people complete i was once in Grenada in the West Indies on New Year's Eve, and they had a big table for everyone at the hotel I was staying at to be at. None of us knew each other. So basically there's like 40 strangers sitting around a big round table, and no one was talking or anything apart from their partners. And suddenly this enormously fat man stood up and said, I feel good!

And everybody, everybody went, It's a great icebreaker. I would recommend that to anyone. It's a dance floor filler, isn't it? Yeah. I'm flying this afternoon. I might try it on the plane. See how that goes.

The other one is, in snooker halls, I used to whistle the first part of the Some Mothers Do Affem theme and then just see if anyone completed it. So I'd just be playing and I'd go... And then I'd leavey. I think I just heard someone whistle back. I'm not joking. In the distance, I heard it.

That's the delight, that's the delight in case we sway. Oh, I love that moment when the little moments from radio just, you know, emerge. I haven't really noticed the snow, to be honest, because I've been travelling a bit. So I saw that there was a bit last Saturday night that I was involved in. Me and my friend scraped snow off his car with CD cases. Oh. You couldn't do that with an iPod. You couldn't do that with an iPod? You couldn't do that with an iPod?

No, you couldn't. You could have done it with a snow scraper, as I pointed out to him. I wouldn't have thought that CD case had the flexibility that you require. It was all right. And then he used his sleeve for the roof. Oh, no. Why bother cleaning the roof? He's devil-made care.

Why bother? Because it's in the highway code. He doesn't want three points for not clearing snow off his roof. You can't get three points, Sheila. I'm certain of it. I'm certain of it. Sandy War is nodding. She knows everything, Sandy War. She's brilliant.

I didn't know that. I never... Can I just do a review if it slides off? I've had the roof of my car thatched as an affectation. I'm going to have to check now to see if that's all right. But other than that, I've been travelling and the snow's been sort of melting as I've arrived. It's given me a sort of a week where I feel a bit like the Ready Break Kid. Oh, you've got that glow? I'm glowing and as I arrive the snow's abating everywhere I go.

I can't stand it. I've lost four pairs of gloves. Well, four gloves, therefore a pair of gloves in the last two weeks. No, two pairs of gloves. No, no, no. One glove from four pairs. So the other glove is of no use to me and it's always the left-hand one I lose. So it's not like I can double up. How many gloves have you lost?

Four? I've lost four gloves. So is that two pairs of gloves? No. I've lost four left-handed gloves, so that's four pairs of gloves. How come you've lost left-handed gloves? Only. I don't know. I'm left-handed, so that might have something to do with it. Oh, that's it.

I must always take off. Anyway, we must get it. We can't... We've got to go on. By the way, if you want to text us, we're on 8-12-15. It's acceptable. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Oh, by the way, I was a question on Mastermind last night.

You were a question on Mastermind? Somebody told me you were a question on Million Pound Drop the other week. I think I was, yeah. What was the... I'm a question. What was the question? You're in the family, weren't you? What was the question?

The question was, what is the name of the TV show in which Frank Skinner talks to two other comedians about topical subjects? Can I have a guess? The Mastermind. It's really gone down, hasn't it? Oh, sorry. Well, they like to throw in a bit of popular culture. Well, when I say popular... You should. I'll get bogged down in a rating battle.

No, exactly. He didn't get it either. What did he say? He said, I can't remember, which is no kind of an answer on Mastermind, is it? No. I mean, you either pass or have a guess. I can't remember.

Is that going to get you half a point? I don't think so. But anyway, and then my only consolation is when he told him what it was, I'd be like, oh, ofation is when he told him what it was of like oh of course like he'd heard of it were you were you watching it why was i watching no no were you watching it or did you just hear that this was a question no no i i uh i watched it so you happened to be watching it and a question came up about your career yeah were you excited of course i wouldn't

be retelling it now i liked the best things to do is to feature incidentally in things. That's the true sign of glory. I was once a question in the Daily Mirror quiz word. I mean, come on. Result? I don't get any better than that. I can categorically say I've never been a question anywhere, I'm pretty sure. I've never been a question and I've never been an answer.

What I suggest both or either of you do separately is kill a major statesman. That's my career's advice to anyone. Yeah, well, a friend of mine who was working on Spandau Prison when he was in the army had Rudolf Hess, the former Nazi, literally in the sights of his gun, and thought, if I pull the trigger now, I'll be famous. I'll be in every history book as the man who shot Rudolf. And he said he had this horrible tremor going through him,

and he thought, I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it, and then he didn't do it. Wow. Absolute radio. That's the strangest diversion a conversation has ever taken well i don't know stick around it went from mastermind to killing a nazi war criminal in three words i think i can top that i was at um lady killers the other night the uh you know the play and the man sitting next to me said oh hi frank shook my hand and said chris quentin you know when people name themselves chris quentin who used to be our brian in coronation street

oh brilliant you know you said people could text in on 8 12 15 some have already taken this opportunity 447 has texted in frank for the england manager i mean you've got other stuff to do but i reckon i could probably get us to the quarterfinals you could juggle that with this has texted in Frank for the England manager. I mean, you've got other stuff to do, but... I reckon I could probably get us to the quarterfinals. You could juggle that with this show once a week. It's going to make Saturdays busy, but... Well, I think most people could probably do that job, couldn't they? Yeah, it's part-time, isn't it?

Morning, Frank and gang. Lost four left-handed gloves. Sounds like a wannabe golfer to me. Dave from Harold Hill has texted in. Do you think Michael Jackson lost four left-handed gloves. Sounds like a wannabe golfer to me. Dave from Harold Hill has texted me. Do you think Michael Jackson lost four left-handed gloves and thought, this is a sign, isn't it? God's trying to tell me something. I'm not going to bother with the left-handed gloves. It's a weird story, I find it.

I'll go as far as to use the word disturbing. What, the left-handed glove thing? Believe me, that's not disturbing. I find it disturbing. Why? You can't's on me that's not disturbing i find it disturbing don't don't you can't dictate to me what i find disturbing what are you the disturbed police you turn up and go oh there's been a disturbance exactly i don't want to see what your badge is like it's a picture of a baby crying that's a disturbance is it okay fair enough that says a lot about how you view the world, that's all I'm saying.

I tell you what happened, another thing this morning, an incidental thing. As I drove in this morning, I went past a couple of restaurants with the chairs on tables. It's the first time it's ever struck me how very, very unhygienic that is. Surely they're already clean. What? They're not going to clean the bottom of a chair, though, are they? No, I'm on about... It's actually...

The way they were piled was like where your bomb would go was next to the table surface. Now, I don't know about you, but if anything falls off the plate, you know, I put it back on. Sometimes I'll put a piece of bread just on the table and all that. And that's got all those spores from... It's got bomb spores from stools. When I say stools, I mean furniture type.

Yeah, but I think that needs to stop. I'm surprised Health and Safety have allowed that to continue. Surely they give the table a wipe, put the chair on, take the chair off, give the table a wipe, put the chair on, take the chair off, give the table a wipe again. So it's been wiped. Well, do they give it a wipe again after the chair comes off? Do they, though? Do they really do that?

Well, I don't know. Well, I don't know if they do. By then, it's a festering reservoir of infection. What you need to do is go somewhere where they have moulded chairs and tables where you can't do that. Like McDonald's. Like a fast food chain. What you need to do is get one of those strings that join one mitten to the other one that goes up one sleeve

across and down. Someone's texted in you need idiot gloves and I think that's what they mean. Is that what idiot gloves are? I think that's what they're saying. I think idiot gloves are those things that stop you from scratching yourself in the night. Anyway, that's the texting. What are idiot

gloves? Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. What else? I just got a text in saying Hess was not a war criminal. Oh, God. I love doing a topical show. It's not that topical. It's not that war criminal. Oh, God, I love doing a topical show. It's not that topical,

it's not that commercial radio either, is it? Yeah, I don't think Rudolf Hess had time to be a war criminal because he... Didn't he parachute into Scotland to try and... they think to negotiate peace. But he did get tried at Nuremberg. Oh, he still made Nuremberg. Good on him.

Yeah, well, I'm looking on Wikipedia as we speak. We don't like to use Wikipedia on there, though. We like to use that. Yeah, but I didn't know. That's a legitimate thing. Okay. You know the rules. If you know it, if you knew it, you're not allowed to check it.

You have to remember that. You can't remember. But I didn't know that, so I had to learn it. I think I saw we would usually ask them, Google, you know, the people. But they've already pulled me up for not knowing basic history, so I just wanted to come back to them with some facts. A politician said this week on Question Time that Andy Coulson had said under oath something or da-da-da,

and he hadn't. When Andy Coulson spoke, he wasn't under oath. So it's one of those things where you do feel like, yeah, I know this. You know when you kind of see something or hear it and think, yeah, I know that fact. That happened to me on Pointless this week. Did it? Yeah. How much of your life do you spend watching quiz shows?

Do you love a quiz? Pointless is brilliant. You spent at least 20 minutes last week describing the double act on Pointless and how incredible they are. Yeah, well, I think Pointless is the new eggheads. They can use that if they like it on their posters. Thanks, Keeley. When they do the live tour. Yeah, it's brilliant.

I love daytime quizzes are better than nighttime quizzes because they're not troubled with things like entertainment. They're just quizzes. That's what I like. Anyway, look, it was a big moment for me. I went to what I can only describe as a dealership. I went to a dealership to get a new car. New, new? Brand new.

Not new to you? No. When I say I've got a new car, what I mean is I've bought a used car. But you mean new. No, I mean absolutely, totally new. Not new to you? No. Because when I say I've got a new car, what I mean is I've bought a used car. But you mean new. No, I mean absolutely, totally new. Oh, okay. You know there's probably a percentage of listeners now thinking, the depreciation on that. I know what they're going to say.

They're going to say, as soon as you drive it off the forecourt. I don't want to know about that. Why did you get a new car? I'd say £400 a month. Why did they get a new car? It's going to drop. £400 a month, even if you just leave it parked. It's going to drop. It's going to drop like a stone.

There's nice things that come with a new car. I love the smell. I love that plasticky smell. Yeah, but is it worth £400 a month? What, for a plasticky smell? I think so. See, because I'm having

a child arriving, I've got one ordered. I've got one ordered. And so I need a... I mean, it's a special moment when you look at a car and say, am I going to get a buggy in that boot? Yeah. And I didn't know.

I had to take someone with me who'd had children. Because I don't know how big a boggy is. But apparently there's plenty of room for a boggy in there. I could get a Moses basket in as well if I needed to. Yeah, but you wouldn't put a baby in a boot, just so you know. No, no, definitely not. Rules. But, yeah, so that was all right.

So are we allowed to ask things like, what are you driving these days? Well, I don't know anything about cars, but I can tell you it's a BMW. I know that much. And it's Series 3. Oh, OK. I love that. I think they lost their way a bit in Series. Yeah, I love the first two Series.

I like the fact you two are both going for a 3 Series joke. And I'm thinking, so did you get the 318 or the 320 diesel I don't know the answer to that It had the word sport in it And it's charcoal grey I thought I'd try and coordinate it with my hair So that when I get out it won't be too much of a shock You see what I mean

Petrol or diesel I'm going to continually ask you Clarkson style questions Okay it's diesel I know that as well. I don't understand why they get so angry about diesels. It was sold to me at... I had an appointment at the dealership with somebody called Kylie. Oh.

So I thought, you know, she'll be... I bet she's charming and lovely. Anyway, it was a very big, bald man. No. He looked like a lovely guy. Called Kylie? Yeah, called... Not Kyle? big, bald man. He looked like a lovely clown. Called Kylie. Not Kyle. No, called Kylie. Is he called Kyle Lee? No, no, he's called Kylie. No hyphen.

No hyphen. Did you point this out? That's a girl's name, mate. Now, this was an interesting, because I think, when I realised that this bloke was called Kylie, I thought, my professional pride kicked in, and I thought, I know a lot of people now would do a joke with him about this, but as a comic, I don't want to go over

what is going to be very well trodden ground, so I won't even mention the fact. You know, he's not going to say something like, you know, do you want to buy new, and I'm going to say, oh, I should be so lucky. When he gives you the keys, he's like, especially for you. Yeah, exactly. I'm not going to say, I should be so lucky. When he gives you the keys, he's like, especially for you. Exactly. I'm not going to do it. I just thought, no, I won't.

I'm not going to do it. But he's had that. He must have had it his whole life. He was just about the right age. Ironically, he was born at the time when everybody was calling their daughters Kylie. And their parents, his parents just thought, I don't see why we should miss out

just because of a little thing like gender i hope when you check the boot for the size and he said oh are you so interested in the boot i hope you said well we're having a boy named sue well it's johnny cash isn't it yeah exactly well i've got confused now did she cover that no she was she did the original he He covered it. I really wish Kylie had done a boy next. I'd like to have heard that. Absolute Radio with Frank Schumer.

Diesel estate or saloon? What are you driving these days, Frank? Saloon. It's got like swinging doors instead of the usual one with a piano player in the back. The numberless door. Yeah, I love it. I love it. And when I got in the car,

everybody went quiet. It was very weird. Yeah, so Kylie, I've just looked up, it's spelt K-I-L-E-Y. So it's not, so that's something. It's like Kylie.

It's what it's like. Anyway, it's a very nice chap and at the end of it after we'd shook hands we actually did that thing when I said yeah okay I'm going to buy it and we shook hands I didn't think that really happened I thought that was only on the opening credits to Minder

when they shake hands over the bonnet and and then I said to him so I thought we've done the transaction I said so is that that's not your nickname is it and he said you don't think I'd choose that as a nickname do you and I thought well I'm suggesting that

one chooses one's nickname I don't think you should I never chose the cockerel it was bestowed upon me I don't think you should apparently Paul Ince the footballer decided he was going to be called the governor don't think you should. Apparently Paul Ince, the footballer, decided he was going to be called the governor and said to everyone I'm going to be known as the governor from now on. You just simply

can't do that. The governor at gmail.com. So anyway, we got the Kylie thing out of the way and he was fine. I sensed there was a look of gratitude that I hadn't done jokes about it. No, the look of gratitude was that you'd just bought a really expensive car.

Oh, yeah. I only bought the car to make him feel better about his name. Perhaps he's probably not called that at all. He's probably selling three a month based on that. Yeah, people guilt trip for you. He just guilt trips. That's all right. So did you get any extras for the car?

Oh! That's the best thing. I never realised that when you buy a new car. He said, do you want Bluetooth for your phone? I said, oh, yeah, I'll have that. He said, a built-in sat-nav? I went, oh, yeah. He said, do you want apps response?

I said, yeah, what is it? And he said, son, if you've got your smartphone, and say you forget where you've parked your car, you press a button and it'll show you where your car is. I imagine that'll be useful for you. Oh, that'll be great, because I get, like, from now on I'm not even going to notice where I park it. Which was the footballer who left a car in a car park?

Jermaine Pennant. Jermaine Pennant. Yeah, yeah. So I said yes to that. He said, I actually, after I left, I phoned back and said, I love DAB radios. It was like when I picked toppings at a pizza place. I just kept laying them in the mob.

Someone was telling me recently that they know someone who has a vegetarian pizza with meat because they think that's the best pizza you can get so there is a sense that i think that's probably a good idea i haven't tried it yet but they order you know you can get various meat topping pizzas but probably not that vegetable heavy if they order a vegetarian pizza and then you say can have a vegetarian pizza with extra chicken or pepperoni or whatever, then you get an amazing pizza, apparently. That's a good tip.

I'm going to try it. I hope you bestow that to your child. I'm surprised that I haven't tried it yet, to be honest. I'll tell you what's good about it is I reckon that the person making the vegetarian pizza is really trying to overcompensate for the fact there's no meat on it. So they build a masterpiece, vegetarian-wise. And then you add to that. I don't like when they say to me, extra that.

I'll say, I'll have American hot with anchovies. And they say, extra anchovies. And then I say, well, no, because there are no anchovies on American hot, so it's not extra anchovies. It's just anchovies added. They say, no, no, extra anchovies.ovies on American Hot, so it's not extra anchovies. It's just anchovies added. They said, no, no, extra anchovies. And I said, no, there would have to be anchovies. And then I would have to have further anchovies in order to qualify as extra.

And they just look at you, these people. Did you go through this same argument with Kylie at the garage where you were going, a thatched roof, and he was going, yeah, extra thatched roof. No, no, no, there isn't a thatched roof on it i wanted my chair's creaking i i yeah i want with the thatched roof though he was he was upset because i wanted the thatched roof but i didn't want um the mock tudor down the side you know the sort of black and white paneling don't want that on a bmw and he seemed to feel that you know go faster beams have you big question have you got a personalised number plate?

Definitely not. I was asked that one recently, actually. What was it? Definitely not. Oh, it was JF17. The problem was it wasn't actually personalised to me. Frank. Frank.

Frank. Skinner. Frank Skinner Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Did you do a test drive With the guy that sold you it Oh god I did a test I love a test drive But did Kylie come out with you

Yeah oh yeah They wouldn't trust me on the car on my own But they do sometimes Didn't they You can get a long test drive. But I don't like it when they come along because they start yapping. And I sort of want to say to them, could you not be you, but could you be like an empty Marks & Spencer sandwich box on the passenger seat?

Because that's how I'm going to drive this vehicle. Oh, OK. If you could get rid of your personality and replace it with a sort of a palpable sense of loneliness, that's how I'm going to be in this vehicle. But it's just unrealistic for me to have some bloke yapping and going, yeah, the stereo's really good and the air con

does this, this and this. And all the gadgets you've bought, the interior of your car will eventually be destroyed if it's going to be a parental car. Well, I've got it, it's tiled, it's completely tiled. All the cars. Completely tiled, well, I've got it. It's tiled. It's completely tiled. All the cars were tiled. Completely tiled, so I'll just hose it down at the end of the day

for sick and defecation. There'll be bits of rice cake and apple core. I got in the car the other day, it was like a rotting apple core. The new low was last week I got in my car and my wife had left socks in the passenger footwell. Like, dirty socks. But that makes sense, doesn't it, in the footwell? Yeah, I suppose.

It's like I've spent my whole life hoping to find gloves in the glove compartment. And they're just never there. I think if you bought... I should have said, looking back, I should have said, this is the deal breaker. I want gloves in the glove compartment when it's delivered. That would be good. If it was, it'd just be loads of left-handed gloves.

Exactly. Yours, I imagine, would be a left-handed drive for that very purpose. Yes. Anyway, I haven't even got it yet. That's the other thing with the new cars. I don't get it until something like the second week in March. Why? Because they have to...

They're thatching it as we speak. Exactly, it's not easy, the thatching element. Hey, here's another thing that you should ask if it's brand new. When you get it, ask them, how do I reset the clock? I think that's it. What is this? Only fools and horses.

How do I reset the clock? Do you not find that your car clock's wrong half the year? Oh, I thought you meant the mileage thing. Oh, no. Clock it. Oh, OK. I'm worried about the resale value. I feel a bit mad about asking that.

When it did 70k. I want one of those foot scrapers by the door on it, you know. Oh, I saw a man flossing in a car, didn't I? I told you about that. That's got to be illegal. If you go and answer the phone, you can't floss. There should in a car, didn't I? I told you about that. That's got to be illegal. If you can't answer the phone, you can't floss. There should be a rule, shouldn't there? I saw two cars going down the motorway,

one in the fast lane, one in the slow lane, and they had floss extended between them, and there was a motorcyclist using it to floss himself. The same motorcyclist came the other way and got garrotted. But that's illegal because he had to take his helmet off. No, no, he had his helmet on. It wasn't a full facer. That was the best helmet.

There was a floss-lot. Have you seen that? Floss-lot. Floss-lot helmet. So floss-a-lot. So floss-a-lot was a... Oh, God, he smelt lovely. I'll say that for him.

He was cowardly in many of his trials, the floss-a-lot, but his breath was beautiful. We got an email. We were talking on the podcast about foods we'd never eaten until recently. I'd only recently eaten some prawn cocktail crisps. And you hadn't eaten a waffle, and a man... No, I've eaten a waffle.

I've never ate a bird's-eye potato waffle. But I have heard a lot about their versatility. A man called Lee Webber in Wilsdon has emailed in... I assume it's a man. I don't like the way you've gone very slow and quite serious. No, more because I assume it's a man, but after our Kylie conversation, who knows? Exactly, exactly.

Emailed in to say, there's a recipe for a waffle pizza where you cover it in mozzarella and then at the bottom it stops all leaking through the holes and onto the grill. Oh. Oh, you cover it in mozzarella at the bottom. I don't understand. Anyway.

I see people at home are going to try that now and you haven't properly explained it. You've never seen a cookery programme. You've got to help people. Forget about it. My problem with eating a bird's eye potato waffle is i know i wouldn't be able to stop going and that would be very annoying for my fellow eaters oh i don't know i think they'd all be excited at the deliciousness of uh well my dad left me um a he left not he didn't do a will but he gave me his old shaver his old t-bar shaver that

he used to have when he was in the army and every time i had a shave with that i used to sing pack up my troubles in my old kit bag i just couldn't it just had to be done it's that same thing as i mentioned on the show before it's every time i walk away from a cash point i sing got brass in pocket there's certain songs you just have to do. I've got into a habit of changing the word love to lunch, and it makes a lot of songs a lot more interesting. Like, are you ready? Are you ready for lunch?

Yes, I am. And Elton looks like he is as well. He's even in that video when he does that. He's got a shell suit on. So he's ready for a very dribbly... He'll take on the mozzarella and bird's eye potato waffle. Or maybe he knows he's going to go back in a second. He's got the shell suit on ready.

I think my problem with the bird's eye potato... I can't say that. Can I just say, if you're from bird's eye, don't send me any of these things. I'm not trying to get free ones. Send me them. I'll have them. I'm not shy. And also I'm sure there are lots of other waffles available. No, I'll tell you what puts me off.

They look a bit like the grill you get in a confession box. You know that? The tiny little box. Yeah, and I don't want to be whispering my sins at the breakfast table, just as a sort of automatic response. Right next to some baked beans and you're whispering

your worst sins. Or, even worse, go into a confession box and try and eat the grill with a poor priest sitting on the other side. How do you stop the mozzarella coming through at this father? Well, no idiot! I'm no idiot! What you talking about? That's my Catholic

priest impression. It's quite Catholic-praised impression. It's quite good, actually. Trust me on that one. What else? There's another email came in about... We were talking about repeating words, weren't we? About naan bread, actually, meaning bread bread. And somebody's emailed in saying, in web design, we make CMS systems. This stands for content management system systems.

Okay. And another, someone has said... Oh, does he mean content management or content management? There's no way of telling. The emphasis is not... I love the idea of a thing called content management systems. Like a lovely, cuddly, like a flanket. It's a cuddle, really, isn't it?

Yeah. Content management systems. Oh, I love content management. It's a cuddle, really. Content management. Oh, I love content management. And apparently, Sahara Desert, someone is saying, apparently Sahara is Bedouin for desert. So you're saying desert, desert? You're saying desert, desert, yeah.

So he's saying, just imagine all those moments in our lives we wasted pointlessly repeating ourselves. We can never get them back. Oh, God. He's even more downbeat than me, this guy. I had an experience in the Sahara Desert with a well-known England rugby player, which will live with me the rest of my life.

He's going to live with you the rest of your life. Now, they might have said, who will live with me the rest of my life? It's all in the grammar. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. So, um, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran

and Holly Walsh. I know. When we said that it seems a bit inappropriate to give yourself nicknames, I forgot momentarily that you have christened yourself Mr Radio, don't I? That's true. In an act of hubris. Hello! I forgot momentarily that you have christened yourself Mr Radio, don't I? That's true. That's true.

In an act of hubris. Hello, Mr Radio. Yeah, but what about... There we go. It's nice to hear it at least once in a show. I think so. What else? We've had an email in about your sport relief challenge.

We should explain to people that Frank is learning to swim and he's going to do a length is that uh is that a correct summation of what you're up to is it well it's a length officially a length is 25 meters if i do it in the olympic pool which is not yet totally confirmed um because there's quite a lot of red tape the olympic pool that's how they separate the lines. Then it'll be a width because the Olympic pool is twice as big as any other pool for some reason. OK.

Well, a lady called Zoe has emailed saying, Hi, Frank. I think it's great you've taken up this challenge. It will inspire so many, I am sure, to have a go, especially the baby on the way. Just think of the fun you'll have and the confidence in the water will mean your baby will be too.

Really hope your lessons are going well. I'll be set up for the water birth. This is the bit that's interesting. Really hope your lessons are going well. Think about comfort and control rather than the mechanical strokes. Feel how your body reacts in the water. You will be amazed at how much it holds you up if you take the time to appreciate

this. Mine doesn't really I'm endeavouring to learn doggy paddle that's how they're starting me off and I don't know how this has happened but I've got so into the role of doggy paddle I'm doing that slightly distressed face that dogs do when they swim

you know that sort of head out the water I'm doing it now, trust me it's a very similar face it's a Wallace and Gromit face do when they swim. You know that sort of head out of the water? I'm doing it now, trust me. Oh yeah. It's a very similar face. When they, how can I put this? When they defecate they use a very similar face. Head raised and sort of slightly

anxious. Staring off into the middle distance. Exactly. But with concern. When you're getting out of the pool are you sort of crouching and then just shaking yourself up? That's what I should do, the big shake. That'd be great. Anyway, she's got proven credentials. She's saying that in a three-hour session, we got a lady terrified of the water to put her face in and swim a width.

The representative from the ASA was extremely impressed. Blown her own trumpet a bit here. Amateur Swimming Association. Oh, is it? People not being able to swim is a lot more common than people want to admit. It doesn't come up in conversation and everyone assumes that everyone else can do it.

I think I'm guilty of that. Thank you for making it more talked about, if indeed you have. I have on this show. Yeah, true. Oh, here we go. We would be happy to help. No charge, no publicity. Just want you to be successful and inspire others to have a go. We would be happy to help. No charge, no publicity.

Just want you to be successful and inspire others to have a go. Well done you. That's nicer, isn't it, Zoe Cheal? Yeah. She's from a company called I2 Swim. I2Z

Swim. Is that supposed to be I2, I'll teach you A to swim. I'm going to teach you A to swim. Oh, how to swim. Yeah, I think that's what it is. Lovely, lovely email there, Zoe. Is it Zoe? Zoe, yeah.

How's it going? Well, like I say, I've got me doggy paddle sorted. And as well as the actual going in the water, I've been seeing a therapist to see, to deal with my fear of water. Is it a swimming therapist? No, no, he's a he does all the fears.

Oh, God. You name a fear, he'll sort it out. Velcro? Yes. Alright. It's all to do with learning to love the noise. So you have a genuine fear of water. It's not just you didn't learn to swim,

you actually are phobic of it. No, I am, yeah. I got this thing that if I breathe in when I'm in the water, I assume I'm going to inhale water and choke and die. Well, that's a fair assumption. Because that would happen. No, but even when I lift my... You haven't helped.

Can I just say that? It's people like you, you see. No, but I think you need to know. If you do breathe in underwater... No, not underwater. Just in the water, generally. Oh, in the water. So I went to see my therapy man

and I had to... He said, well, tell me one thing that's going to frighten you. And I said, well, I think I'm going to breathe in water and he said, okay so can you just say that to me now and I said, well I think I'm going to breathe in water

and he says, right, can you now sing that to the tune of Jingle Bells so I sang I think I'm going to breathe in water, I think I'm going to breathe in water I think I'm going to breathe in water I think I'm going to breathe in water. I think I'm going to breathe in water. I think I'm going to breathe in water. I think I'm going to breathe in water.

Oh! I think I'm going to breathe in water. And so it went in. On, rather. And apparently that helps because it makes it ridiculous. The whole idea that I might breathe in water is so ludicrous because of the tune to it that, you know, it goes away. So if you're worried about something, sing about it. Sing about it over and over and over.

You have to decide what your sentence is first. I'm not sure I like that. I don't know if that works, because I'm scared I'm going to die, I'm scared I'm going to die, I'm scared I'm going to die. Like, I am going to die. It doesn't take any of the edge off it. No, no, but that's not the point. The point is, if you did that, you wouldn't be scared

you were going to die. You're still going to die. It can't change things. It can change the way you respond to things. Such a cynic. What about... One so young. But singing could be the problem as well. Like earlier this year, I don't know if I confided this in you,

but I got incredibly painful headaches for about three weeks at the start of this year. My wife was very worried. I don't like the start of this year my wife was very worried i don't like the idea of her suddenly singing i'm really worried about my husband's headaches you know well that would be all right well i've got a headache no but um i told you that you um need to uh loosen those headphones a bit they're only like that they're only like that for the travel case you're not supposed to put them on like that now of course it's all come out well we'll come we'll return to this because i i think you're wrong with your dark dark cynicism absolute radio

with frank skinner so yeah i think that um you're being a bit dismissive about my anti-fear campaign, and I think it might be working. No, I think it's good if it works for you. Yeah, if it works. Obviously it wouldn't work for a headache-related problem, but if it works to make the fear of water not so fearful... Yeah, it's all about anxiety, really. Also, if you've got a fear of Christmas, it would only emphasise your fear.

The jingle bells, there would not help. Yeah, I'd have to choose another. Something Jewish, maybe. Who doesn't celebrate Christmas? Yeah, they don't. Yeah, I could do something Jewish. I'm scared of Christmas. I'm scared of Christmas.

That'd be all right. No, it's easy for us to tease it, Frank. I do think whatever it takes to control your anxiety is a good thing, I think. If a negative thought comes in, you're supposed to think, oh, thanks, mind, that's not helpful. That's great. Don't try and get super positive now you've shot me down in flames, Holly Walsh. I say, Holly Walsh.

In my head I was like, this guy's an idiot. Yeah, I know. Thanks, brain. Thanks a lot. Thanks for that negative thought against Frank. But it's quite a good one, I think. Thanks, mine. Not very helpful.

It's got a bit of, it's got a bit of the only way is Essex. You look, you look sort of, you look like, um, oh, what's the woman who has the laundrette in EastEnders? Dotcom. Yeah. No, I know I look like her,... What's the woman who has the laundrette in EastEnders? Dotcom. Yeah. No, I know I look like her, but why bring it up? Thanks, Holly. Yeah.

Don't say it out loud, though, because it would be wrong to walk along the street and then just go, Thanks, brain. Thanks very much. No, I think that's fine. Thanks for that helpful. I'm fine with that. So, that's what you...

There's many ways. If any listeners have got any ways they cope with fear i would love to hear it because there's all sorts of little tricks what about this if you are feeling a bit down a bit a bit sad one method is you make yourself remember what you're like when you're happy so you put a big smile on your face and you try and sit in a kind of just pretend like physically yeah did that happy and your body apparently can get fooled into thinking that you're happy and you tear up i think that's a whole thought process isn't it i think there's a group that like it's near enough a thing called act as

if so you act as if you're happy you just act as if yeah so part of it's near enough a thing called act as if. So you act as if you're happy. You just act as if. Yeah. So part of it's about contextualising the worry, isn't it? Oh, loving that. Yeah. What, contextualising? Contextualising.

Yeah, so I have a thing where, like if I get a bit anxious about paperwork or admin or something, I'll sort of try and see it in the actual size of my life. So I'll think, okay, there's the worry about admin, and I'll see it as like a post-it note, and then I'll sort of zoom backwards. I'll see it on a cork board, and then I'll see

my whole house and my family, and then I'll move out again. So you basically Google Earth your problems? Yeah, I Google Earth my problems. It seems tiny compared to the actual size of the world. You've reversed the method that they do the opening of Ace Ventura Pet Detective 2. When he's on the side of a cliff and you can't see him

and they close in and close in. You think, oh, is that a floral shirt? And then you're there. There he is. It's brilliant. I'm a big Ace Ventura fan, in case anyone wants to know. We've had one text in about coping with fear. It was a predictable one.

Coping with fear dot dot dot alcohol. Yes, of course. Not an option available to yourself. No, but yes, that was always... I can still occasionally lean on the odd real ale. Oh, no, I'm not condemning it as an approach. Don't get me wrong. But I'm looking back.

When I lost half my life savings in the credit crunch, I fell to my knees and wept. What I should have done is tap danced. Looking back. Absolute Radio with Frank Skimmer. Are you celebrating Valentine's Day? Are you a fan? Not at the moment.

What, internally? I think, obviously, without giving too much away, I will certainly acknowledge that St Valentine's Day has occurred. Really? To yourself? No, to my partner. I've got to be careful what I call it. I got interviewed by, you know, Mark Lawson. I got interviewed by him this week.

And I referred to Kath as my current girlfriend in conversation and then i thought oh god i don't mean that and uh i ended up overcompensating by calling it the culmination of my girlfriend kind of frankenstein's monster oh yes i hate valentine's day what well i i think it's unfair on people who aren't in a relationship Because then they just feel bad about it Because they're reminded of their loneliness But that's like saying if it's not your birthday Birthdays are unfair

Yeah we've been through this as birthday Never mind I'm saying birthday But then if you are in a relationship There's so much stress and pressure on you to like to nail it i'm afraid i'm gonna have to disagree with you as well holly i think it's probably for people that are single i think it should be an opportunity for them to write a little card to someone they fancy that they haven't got the that they can pluck up the courage to have a little go and ask somebody out. Have you ever done that?

No, but what I did was I resorted to heavy drinking and sharking around bars but that's not the... Sharking around bars? Sharking around bars, you know. With your fin up. Yeah, exactly. But, you know, when you're in a relationship just be nice to each other every day.

Yeah, but people say that. No, but, you know, it's nice. I think, like, birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, it's nice to press the I love you button three times a year, minimum. If you happen to press it again at any point, great. Is that one of the extras that you got on the BMW? The I love you button, yes, exactly. There's a breakdown button.

It's connected to Interflora. No, I just think that, you know, it's like going to church on a Sunday. It's all right saying, oh, yeah, but, you know, I'll pray every day. But you don't. This is all listeners saying, yeah, he's so right. He's so right about the praying thing. I'm the same. Some people don't even do the Sundays now, I hear.

What? You said what? Apparently. No, I've heard that as well. Aren't the audiences dwindling? So, no, not near the poles have arrived. Like the cavalry turning up. You make it sound like scaffolding.

Yeah. No, they've arrived like reinforcements from the east. I'm loving it. Yeah, so, well, I don't think of you as normally cynical, Holly. Me? I'm in a cynical mood today. You are, yeah. I've really lost my love for humanity. I think any celebration of a saint's day I'll settle for.

Really? In this, as you say, this godless society. OMG, I'm taking us a step in the right direction. I've never bought my wife flowers. What? Hold it! Never. Hold everything! Not one moment. Never, ever.

You have never bought your wife flowers? Never, ever. What did you buy her, then, as a treat? That is quite a statement, isn't it? Not once. And it's because really early on in the relationship, she sort of said, oh, I was kind of thinking you'd get flowers

for whatever it was, a birthday or a Christmas or something, or a Valentine's. Harvest Festival. And I said, oh, no, I'm not really a flowers kind of guy. That's hardly the point, is it? It's not that. What kind of guy are you, though? I'm a non-flowers kind of guy. I once bought her a darts video. it? It's not that. What kind of guy are you, though? I'm a non-flowers kind

of guy. I once bought her a darts video. Skin flint. Yeah, well, there you go, then. You're a darts video. But we agreed that if I ever bought her flowers, that she would know that there was something wrong. That was a very handy agreement. Shrewd, wasn't it? It seems now like I did it on purpose,

but I assure you I didn't. It's just how it panned out. That's like your safety word. It has panned out really well, yeah. Isn't it because it's one of the few things you can't buy second-hand? It's why you've decided against it. You buy them new, though. 400 quid a week, it just depletes. What?

You buy new flowers. There's no point in buying new flowers, because you just leave them in the vase. Every day that goes by, you're losing. The minute you take them out of the inter-floor court. Frank, Frank, Frank Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio.

Anyway. Did you see everything's kicking off in the archaeology world this week? Oh, no. Is that a reality show? Huh? Is that a reality show? It is, it is. Everything's kicking off in the archaeology world this week. Oh, no. Is that a reality show? Huh? Is that a reality show? It is. Everything's kicking off in the archaeology world.

Yeah. It's really... The big news is that one of the regulars on Time Team has walked off and refused to... I think this is the gist of it, has refused to work with a woman who's come on to sort of spice things up a bit.

Yeah, there's a bloke. I must say, Time Team is one of those things. I've never watched it, but I'm glad it exists. I like the idea of it. I always think there's no rush, really, to... I feel the same about the news. Well, the news is a bit more topical than Time Team. Time Team, definitely.

I think Time Team is, you know, I can catch up at any point in the next thousand years and it'll be fine. But I do, I like, I mean, you know, I've obviously seen trailers and that. It seems to be badly dressed people pointing at dirt. But I'm sure there's... Oh, no, no, no, that's the only way is Essex.

Oh, yeah, of course. No, but there's... Oh, no, no, no, that's the only way is Essex. Oh, yeah, of course. No, but there's been an internal wrangle. So there's this old guy who looks like he'll move seamlessly to eggheads having left time teams. He's one of those blokes who wears a colourful jumper and although he's bald, he's learning what bit of hair he's got. Mick Astor. That'll be Mick Astor. Is that his name? And I think he's Mr.'s learning what bit of hair he's got to grow very long. That would be Mick Astor.

And I think he's like Mr Time Team, isn't he? And they brought in an attractive young woman. I thought Baldrick was Mr Time Team. I think he represents us. He's Sir Time Team. He's every man. Is he? He's not representing me. He's the interested amateur.

But after 19 series he's probably got quite a good working knowledge of archaeology. You'd think so, wouldn't you? He's like, oh, great, we're going to have to explain how you use a dumpy level again for the 19th time. I think we should expose the fact that Holly has been on Time Team. Have you? I did archaeology A-level. I'm one of the eight people in the world who did archaeology a level wow and uh my parents knew somebody worked on it they they swung it it's all it's all inside that's it with archaeology with archaeology it's not what you know my parents

my parents knew one of the mummified remains. And, no, it was a nice man. And I got to go and dig in a trench somewhere near Plymouth. OK. Did you find anything? Yeah, I found a coprolite. What's that? It's a prehistoric... What, like from the top of a panda car?

that it's a prehistoric or very from the top of a panda car it's a very very old um insect oh no i'm not sure what i'm allowed to say this feels like a cliffhanger it's um a number two it's a very ancient number two oh you found that yeah that's about how old are we talking i think it was medieval i think about, 900 years old. A medieval excrement. Yes. Okay. Well, you know. Fine. Did you have to put it in a plastic bag and put it in a bin? No, no. You have to leave it where it is. That's the thing of archaeology. Isn't that a thousand pound fine?

Why is the dog stuff illegal and the very old human? That's honestly what you found. And a bit of a vase or something. A very common garden vase. So someone excreted into a vase. That's honestly what you found? And a bit of a vase or something. A very common garden vase. So someone excreted into a vase. That's the story. It was a tannery. It's probably Valentine's Day in its early form.

Around the time of St. Valentine himself. Exactly. St. Duncan Valentine, that's what I call him. I don't understand why it doesn't decompose. I don't understand. Surely if it's a stool, it just disintegrates eventually. I don't feel we Like, surely if it's a stool it just disintegrates eventually. I don't feel we can, if you don't mind me saying it, I don't feel we can dig too

far into this in the time team front. So, and you actually know the... I know this girl, yeah. I went to university with her. And for the record, she's one of the nicest people you ever meet, so... What record is that? The... Media record. The record I'm writing.

Am I supposed to keep some sort of a ledger of our conversations? It's like when people say this is off the record I always think I wasn't putting any of the previous stuff on the record. Oh no, we've been on the record for the whole show. I have not written any of this down.

You've done for the record. We need a stenographer. For the record, I know some deeply unpleasant people. If we had just this in the corner all the time for the show, stenographer. That would be good for the listenership. They're incredible. They're so loose

wristed, those people who do the stenography. We should have a court artist and a stenographer here. A court artist, a stenographer here. Oh, yeah. A court artist, I'd be very happy with that. If you were a court artist... Instead of a webcam.

Would you not be tempted to sort of get a bit cartoony on it? You know, give him a big nose and a tiny body. I'd be tempted to put Woody Allen as Zelig in every shot of the jury. I think that'll do it. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner.

We've had various texts in on several different subjects. One about repeated words. Another is ITN News, Independent Television News. News. Never knew that. Yeah, they're creeping in everywhere. Every day's a school day, isn't it? And we were asking for how you cope with your anxieties.

Frank, read the book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. If you haven't put yourself outside your comfort zone, you'll wonder why you haven't done it sooner. I'm afraid I'm having to read The Happiness Trap as my homework. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know what that is no it's self-help there's some others someone's trying to get over their fear of horses for their 50th birthday good luck with that oh that's uh you've got a natural dislike of horses to get yeah it's combined with fear but you can't you can't if you criticise horses, we get 50 threatening emails.

Not all of them from horses, but from people who are equine-centred. My favourite are coping with... Seahorses, I like. Can I point them out? Oh, yeah. I love the structure of their faces. Ironically, given that you don't like water, but you prefer seahorses to horses. Yeah, I just like the way that they're so angular around the snout. Would you feel better if we released some into the pool when you did your width?

Well, I'd love the idea of cheating the sport relief... To be dragged along. ..by having an army of seahorses just below me. People would just think it was chest hair. That would be incredible if we just put in 70 or 80 little seahorses to swim around you and egg you on. How tickly that would be. It would be like those massages where people get the fish to bite their feet.

Exactly, yeah. That's disgusting. Someone has texted, Fear. False evidence appearing real. I like that. That's handy to know, isn't it? This has become a self-help session. I hope it helps anyone who's frightened this weekend. The Not The Weekend podcast will be available to download from Wenty.

That's another bunch of rubbish we do. Talk it up. Separate completely from this show. You know, it's just us three talking, just us three talking But there can be good in it Mark Crossley is next And he's arrived With an enormous chocolate heart I bet it's six feet across

He's carrying there So I hope that hasn't given any secrets away So if the good lord Spares us And the creeks don't rise We'll be back again this time next week to the heart of it Absolute Radio

with Frank Skinner