The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Cat in the Hat

Episode Date: August 16, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Cat in the Hat: It's week 3 in Edinburgh. Frank has been to a few kids shows whilst Emily went to a show where she was the only audience member. In other news, Justin Bieber has a new admirer...

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text the show on 8 12 15? You can, um, 8 12 15. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Ah, websites. Can I just say, Frank?

Morning, Richie. Morning, Peter. Morning, Frank. Morning. On our Twitter feed, you are already getting follow-forwards as part of the Doctor Who S s8 team i don't know what season eight yeah but what's a follow forward i don't know what that is i haven't got the time okay i don't understand what that is follow i'm just saying those are the uh wayne rooney oh no i can't be bothered even with the joke. I'm just saying it's nice for you.

Don't tell me any football jokes. I can't build another one. But you're being included with hashtag Peter Capaldi. No, well, that is brilliant. It's quite nice for you. You haven't done badly for yourself. Thank you very much. From simple beginnings.

So, can I start by saying we at the uh the morning papers before the show because we do stuff like that don't think we just you know turn up we turn up we read the papers and say oh look at the state of her yeah there's a lot of that that's basically what i say today everything changed because um i tell you who looks great in the papers and that's Kelly Maloney yeah which was Frank Maloney Frank Maloney has become a lady and he looks great I'm serious he looks great

I genuinely think he wasn't a great man he did that thing and we can sort of work out why now perhaps but he went for the flamboyant outfits Union Jack outfits. Union Jack suit. No offence, Frank, but the Union Jack suit.

Yeah, I'm wearing one this morning, in case you're wondering. No, but you did famously like that look. I did, well, I wore that shirt for the Brits. And that went well. Yes, exactly. We try not to give him flashbacks about the Brits, usually, especially not in the first link.

No, but I think... My nose is bleeding. My nose is bleeding. My nose is bleeding. It was the 90s. I think that... Not for me, dear. Kelly Maloney... Yeah.

...was Frank Maloney. Yeah. I think looks absolutely amazing. What's he? What's he interesting? I'm not being sarcastic. The make-up's good, the hair's good,

the clothes are good. I, I, um... Because when I heard he'd become a lady, I didn't, I didn't have high hopes. No. Because I thought, you know, he was a... But he's, yeah, I think he was right.

I think he's done the right thing. But when I saw the picture in the paper, I absolutely thought it was Lorraine Kelly. What the fank? What? Well, I'm saying he looked great, so what's the problem with that? You think there's like a homage thing going on? The fact that he's chosen the name Kelly, What? I'm saying he looked great, so what's the problem with that? You think there's like a homage thing going on?

The fact that he's chosen the name Kelly, I think he's a sort of a tribute band to Lorraine Kelly. I can see that. He's the new Bjorn again. Yes. What he's done, which I respect, he hasn't gone OTT, which I like. Hasn't gone OTT with the nails.

He looks great. Good hair. Anyway, so that's great news to start the show. Frank Maloney has pulled it off. Well, actually, I don't know if it was pulled. I think it was severed. Nevertheless. What is wrong with you?

What? I didn't... What is actually wrong with you? I meant... It's a verbal slip, that. It was. Do you know a verbal slip when you... Yeah, I think he was wearing a verbal slip. you know a thermal slip when you... Yeah, I think he was wearing a thermal slip.

I know a thermal slip. Sorry, I misread that. It's very cold up here at the moment. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm staying in a very nice flat in Edinburgh. I'm staying in a very nice flat in Edinburgh. I'm staying in a...

Good for you. Friends of mine own a flat in Edinburgh, so I'm staying in their flat, which is lovely. Does it have any moth problems? No, why? Have I got... Because I'm paying quite a lot of money, not to friends, and my flat has... No, this is a gavanchi top.

It's supposed to have little holes in it. All right, well, well lucky you then. No, you've got moths. Got moths, yeah. That's it, that's all I've got. Just wondered if there was an Edinburgh pandemic. Have they done anything bad? They fly around when you turn a light on at night. I find that

somewhat startling but they're not big terrifying moths. You need to put all your knitwear in the freezer. Do I? Yeah, I was thinking that. It stinks. Is this a code? Kill the bacteria. Yeah.

No, I had a friend who had a phobia about a moth would fly in his mouth. And he was properly frightened if a moth appeared, even a tiny moth. Really? Let alone those ones when their eyes come out on sort of storks things. A behemoth. A behemoth. A behemoth. They're particularly, they're the worst. So anyway, I'm staying up there.

And occasionally, the daughter of my friends. Oh, yeah? She's there. Oh, she's still there, is she? Well, she's there occasionally. She works and stuff. So she's 21. Very nice.

And I put Boz down in the afternoon. Buzz down in the afternoon is the new rival to Steve Wright on Radio 1 Extra. It's a bit more sort of garage. I can imagine a Radio 1 Extra show called Buzz down in the afternoon. I can, totally. Sounds good. I'd listen to that. What if that was presented by Kelly Maloney,

that would be my favourite show. It would be with that, what's he called, Rob Adjina Spook? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it'd be with him. I don't know Rob Adjina Spook. Scoobius Pip, he means. Oh, yeah. Actually, I'm going to write that down.

That's going to be my next Rob Adjina Spook. I love that he said Rob Adjina Spook and I knew he meant Scrooby as well. No, because I was grasping for it and you saw me reach out. I did. You held my hand. It was a trapeze moment, which one gets on this show so rarely. Anyway, Buzz down in the afternoon.

Yeah, so anyway, Buzz started crying. Oh, that's a shame. Now, you know what my sense of direction is like? It's legendary. So I ran down to push the door open and there's the daughter of the house sitting on her bed with a laptop looking at me a little surprised. Thank God she was decent.

Was she clothed? No, she was decent. Thank God for that. You can't burst in on people like that i thought i was heading for bozzy's room but i've only been there 10 days i haven't worked out the and uh your honor and the thing is yeah well that was it because what about her honor but i um i said um i said oh sorry sorry sorry I got lost and I thought that can't unless you know about my sense of direction that's not going to sound very

that sounds the sort of excuse Robin Asquith would have come up with confessions of a lodger a comedian lodger but he'd have been naked obviously did I mention I was naked? were you? no but oh god because I just know Yeah, but he'd have been naked, obviously. Did I mention I was naked? Were you? No.

No, but, oh, God, it was... Because I just know, if you knew me, you'd know that that's completely... I get lost in buildings and that all the time. We're all very easily believing that you could do that, but I don't know if the listenership... And it's no good telling people after you've done it, because that sounds like you. It's just that poor woman. Everything to live for.

Googling exciting bands and your little Birmingham face creeping up on her. I know, it must have been. Creeping up makes it sound worse than barging in. It must be like that moment in the fairy tale when Rumpelstiltskin does turn up. That's what I would imagine. It was like a wizened old face suddenly comes round the door,

entering the world of youth. No, wrong. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've had an email I just thought I'd bring to your attention. Don't bring me into it. It's called A Day At The Cricket. Frank, Emily and Alan, I hope you're well. This is aimed

mainly towards Frank, as I know Emily and Alan find cricket incredibly dull. Is that true of you? Or is that just me? Well, you say that, but Derek Pringle was one of my first crushes. There you go. And I think I told you once I used to play press conferences when I was a child. Other people played with dolls. I played

press conferences. I still do that, of course, as the Barcelona manager. Of course you do. But I played a game frank where derrick pringle and i had announced our engagement and i'd say um thank you so much for joining us um we don't have much to say at this time but i will tell you we're very happy thank you thank you i thought that's all you'd say why would there be a press conference because derrick pringle married actually i was about 12 so maybe there would have been then Then the son asked something about the big bed, because he's like six foot eight. Yeah, yeah.

Derek Pringle met everyone. Oh, for goodness sake. I'd rehearsed getting up. I was at that press conference. The email continues. I went for the daily sketch at the time. Frank Skinner, Dandy Magazine. This is aimed mainly towards Frank,

as I know Emily and Alan find cricket incredibly dull, but is Frank thinking of going to the T20 finals day at Edgbaston next Saturday? I know that it's a sell-out, and I imagine he has enough contacts to wangle a ticket, but would he be interested in coming with me and my mate? We have a spare ticket. It would be brilliant if you could join us.

Don't worry about the show. I'll write you a note to get you out of it. I think the Albion are away that weekend, so you have no excuses. Well, I have some excuses, as I have a radio show and a stand-up show in Edinburgh. He'll write you a note. I know, but what will be the nature of the note?

He'll have to write me 500 notes for my audience. That's 500. Any other comics in Edinburgh who are listening? Five, zero, zero. Big man. Big man. They're all over 60. I mean, look at

the ups and downs in everything. I can't. I'd love look at... There's ups and downs in everything. I can't. I'd love to go to the T20 final. With Ian? Or would you... I'd go with Ian. He sounds all right. He'd go with any...

He sounds all right. He does. He's pitched it quite nicely. He's offered me a free ticket. Oh, yeah. That means he sounds all right. Yeah. No, that would have been great.

Maybe next time. Maybe next time, Ian. As Boz would say, maybe later. Maybe later. What about Simon Art Dealer? Hi Frank, Emily and Alan. Rebursting in on people. Oh yeah. The first time I stayed the night at my girlfriend's flat, I accidentally

opened the door to her bedroom, thinking it was the living room, to find her preparing herself while singing Beyonce's If You Want It, Then You've Got To Put A Ring On It. We are now separated. Why does he not love Beyonce? That would be embarrassing, wouldn't it, if a man walked in and caught you doing that? Well, what, putting a ring on it?

No. Singing it to yourself. Singing it to yourself. I think, oh, yeah, I suppose it is a bit threatening. I hadn't really felt that aspect of it, but of course, yeah. I'm getting married in the morning, of course. I would have been singing. Generational thing.

But, yeah, we've all got that. I hadn't thought of that. It's funny. I'm still working the show out. Just slightly chasing the game at the moment. Don't worry, I'm catching up. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So I don't know if you found this Al but when you're up here doing a show in Edinburgh do you ever think about next year's show and what that might be? Yes Oh isn't it odd because you spend half your time thinking

I'm never doing this again and the other half thinking maybe next year i could do a and i'll tell you what i've noticed this year as i've had most of you there's lots of um shows there's always shows about people you know real people there's always like you know the edith pf story and stuff yeah and there's um russell grant story well that's him though i think but i'm on about like there's a Morecambe and Wise

thing and there's a Stan Laurel so people do so there's shows about comedians and I thought to myself why

why do they have to be comedians from the past oh yeah right so I thought wouldn't it be great to do a show

about a contemporary comedian in which I play that comedian? Not get their permission or anything. Well, who are you thinking? I'm thinking the Al Murray story. I could call it Al by Myself, I was thinking.

Al by Myself. You know, a reference to the Eric Carman hit. And I could come on and play Al, not even tell him, you just find out sort of accidentally when he's up here. I mean, completely, you know, lovely. When you say not even tell him, I think your shared management company might have something to say about it. Yeah, if he walks through the office and sees a poster with your face on it.

I don't think he could legally stop me. When he sees, like, you know, the pub landlord outfit on a poster, but my face, I'd have to have my head shaved. Yeah. Anything that results in you saying to a colleague, I don't have my head shaved yeah you got it you know anything that results in you saying to a colleague i don't think you can legally stop me doesn't sound like a good plan no further action friendship i don't think you have to get um like malcolm and wise is a state's permission to do a play about malcolm and wise do you i don't think well our management's

very laid back so i imagine they're a problem i so I can't imagine they'd be a problem. I think it would be a great idea. Yeah. It doesn't have to be Al, if Al was touchy about it. Graham Norton? You'd get mistaken for him every now and again. Yeah, I could do it. What I was thinking about Al... Well, you could do the Stephen Tomkinson story.

Yeah. Yeah, but are they going to come and see that? Peter Capaldi? Are they going to come and see any of it, Frank? Peter Capaldi's story, that could be great. That'd be selling. Yeah. I like that Frank thinks're going to come and see any of it, Frank. Peter Capaldi's story, that could be great. That'd be selling. I like that Frank thinks they won't come and see the Stephen Tomkinson story, but they'll come and see you doing all the others.

Paul Coyer, I always think. He's big in Scotland. Who's Paul Coyer? Oh, there you go, the tickets are selling like hotcakes. That's the title right there. Who's Paul Coyer? Who's Paul Coyer? Yeah, I could... Halen Pace, in which I play both parts. That's the title right there Who's Paul Coy Yeah I

I could Halen Pace In which I play both parts Oh he could be Alan Cochran could be one of them Halen Pace you too I don't think so Don't put us in a difficult position

You know that's like One of those moments When somebody in the locker room Says Martina you could play with Sue Barker And she's going Oh well actually I promised I would speak to Chrissie about you. You put me in a difficult position now.

Yes. Well, I tell you what an interesting thing as well is I did a bad thing with Al. Al toured with me on my first ever tour, and he told me a story that had happened to him and I was on a panel show on the telly and I told the story I credited it to him but even so oh ok

no but even so it was his story obviously I wouldn't have stolen it no that's not your story but I never asked his permission to use it and was there any comeback? he was alright about it because he was quite new at the time

but I felt I felt I'd slightly pulled rank and and I wasn't much, you know. I'd only just won the Perrier. But it was, I'll tell, I'll run it by you briefly. Are you going to tell it again? Yeah, because now he's... What's wrong with you? Now I can't damage him, no, he's invincible.

He's a big star now. But he, yeah, he did a gig in... He used to do guns and stuff on stage, impressions of guns and explosions and stuff. And there's a bit where he used to throw a lot of people into an aeroplane propeller. He did all the sound effects of that. It was brilliant.

And he did it in Germany, and he said, usually this bit gets, you know, sort of people going, oh, he said, but you Germans, you seem to be fine with me killing people. And a bloke at the back, a voice from the back went, careful. And I told that, and I thought it'd be great. In the one-man show when I'm playing Al, I could also play me. You know, when they do another person. So I could actually go out of the Al and play me, say, in a grey wig.

In a grey wig? Yeah, because I'll have had my head shaved to be Al. Are you not following this? This whole thing sounds pretty half-baked. When Frank is playing Al, there'll be a point where Frank is playing Al who's playing Frank. Who's retelling a story of Al. And that'll be... I mean, it's going to be complex for... Oh, God, the fourth wall will be more like a garage door.

It's going to be awful, is what it's going to be. No, I think it's going to turn things around for both of us. I think it's going to be Brechtian. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So, this is Frank Skinner's show at Edinburgh. You all right? This heart is not the first heartbreak. What are you doing?

Is this that dream that you had? No, it's not. It's all come back to me. Oh, I did... I stepped on the cockerel's toes a bit this week. Oh, did you? What did you do? I did Just a Minute. Oh, how was that? Which I regard as cockerel content. Yeah. Who's in Oh, did you? What did you do? I did Just a Minute. Oh, how was that? Which I regard as cockerel content. Yeah.

Who's that? Everybody tells me, have you done it, Al? I don't know. I've done it a lot. Well, not a... Is that Nicholas Parsons? Yeah, it's that thing. Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe five or six. Yeah. I'm a... As Nicholas Parsons said, I was a Just a Minute virgin. A new player of the game. They slightly patronise you when you're new on it. Yeah, but I was happy to be patronised. They slightly patronise you when you're new on it.

I was happy to be patronised. It's so hard. Oh, is it hard? Oh, God. Is it? It's impossible to play. Oh, he's clever, the old cop. It's all a mistake. I'm rubbish at it,

but they keep booking me. It's a clerical error. I thought it was a documentary about lovemaking when I first got here. But, um... That's a proper joke, isn't it, that? Here we go.

It is, yeah. Nice. Nicely done. Thanks. Yeah, it was... Oh, God, it's hard. It's proper. Do you ever listen to it?

Yeah, I've heard it. Oh, I've sampled its wares. It's one of those things. I did it because it's nice to tick off a list of doing some BBC institutions. You know, I've done Match of the Day, Panorama. Top of the Pops. I have that with relationships. It's nice to be asked out on a date by Shaquille O'Neal.

Everyone has to tick that off on their box. Yes, I don't have that one, I must admit. Okay, well, there's still time. I have got Test Match Special. That's any good to you? My dream, of course, is the shipping forecast. It's the email that's still time. I've got a test match special. If that's any good to you. My dream, of course, is the shipping forecast. Oh, yeah. It's the email that's never come.

Oh. They ought to have celebrity shipping forecast things. Oh, can you imagine that? You can't have Ruby Wax doing that. What's the worst thing that could happen? Oh, yeah. That's a good point. Yeah, so I did it, and it was very difficult.

Who else was on it then? It was like the big guns were on. Sue Perkins, Paul Mert and Giles Brander. Not Sue Perkins again. You two. I know. We were saying that. I can't get a sheet of paper between you two.

We've been roughly thrown together by fate. I love you as a couple, a celebrity couple. Thank you so much. You haven't heard about me and Kelly Maloney? Kelly Maloney. Kelly Maloney. It's difficult for a comic, as they were pointing out, because you want to leave gaps when you're a comic. You want to leave pauses if you say something funny.

But you can't leave any pauses at all. Yeah. Are you good at it now, Al? No, really not but i still quite like playing it it's very very difficult indeed um also i was going to ask you your part i didn't interrupt at what i mean in case you don't know the game if anyone um repetition hesitation or deviation that's the thing no good on this show then Giles Brandred said so I stopped off

for a double espresso and I was going to interrupt for repetition of espresso that's good because it was a double espresso and then I thought is that the sort of thing that they'll say that's very clever or will they say you are completely breaking the spirit of the game

I like the generic voice you've given them. That's very clever. That is the voice of Radio 4, though. I'm thinking Nicholas Parsons. What a great man, Nicholas Parsons. Amazing. 91 in October. Handsome, too.

And I believe he was in, was it The Curse of Fenric? Was it? Yeah. It was the Doctor Who ep. He's got it going on still. Yeah, I think it was. Oh, no, he's amazing. Oh, he Doctor Who ep. He's got it going on still. Is that right? Yeah, I think it was. Oh, no, he's amazing. Oh, he's gorgeous looking. That's how I want to be. It's lovely.

You can get away with it on radio. It's the face that puts people off on telly. But I figure I can stay on radio forever. Don't you think? Well, that's my other idea for next year. I'll come to this in a minute. To stay on radio forever? No, to do a children's show. What?

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So I've been to a few shows. Oh, what have you been to? I'm doing Cat in the Hat, I saw. Oh yeah, is it good? Yeah, it's good.

Buzz absolutely loved it. Oh, really? Good. It was, the cat in the cat in the hat does sound a bit like George from Rainbow. You know, that little... Yeah. There's a lot of that. Oh, that was funny. You do that well.

You could do that show. Well, I think Rainbow will be back, won't it? We could do that. Dungarees, the three of us. Can you imagine? The three of us. Can you imagine? The three of us as the characters. Or Jane and Freddie. Daisy as the human being.

No. Who played the human being? No, she's Zippy. Okay. I think the human being, I think he ended up, if I remember right... When you say thee,

there were three. There was Rod, Jane and Freddie. I know, but they didn't mingle, did they? What do you mean? No mingling. They didn't mingle with the creatures. Like Laurel and Hardy but they didn't mingle, did they? What do you mean? No mingling. They didn't mingle with the creatures. Like Laurel and Hardy didn't see each other after they finished.

They were a separate entity. Are you talking about Bungle? No, Bungle was... The bear? Yeah. He was incredibly calm. What was the human being called? Geoffrey, yeah.

Bungle would say, oh, Geoffrey, I'm so sorry. He worked on the meat counter at Sainsbury's in Richmond. Bungle did? No, Geoffrey, I'm so sorry. He worked on the meat counter at Sainsbury's in Richmond. Bungle did? No, Geoffrey. I'm sure I've never seen Bungle. They wouldn't let Bungle handle food. Yeah, they don't want velour on the port-by's. I mean, imagine how much he would have had to have put on.

Oh, God, he'd just be in a net suit. Exactly. Do you know a net suit? It's very... Is that the suit that Annette wears? She's one of the top fashion designers now in the country. Why was Bungle so camp? There was no need for it.

Well, the cat in the hat was quite camp. Oh, was it? Children's telly camp was part of the thing. Bungle was ridiculous. Well, this is it. I'm thinking, I've seen... Boz absolutely loved Cat in the Hat, so that's what it's all about,

is how the children like it. But I do keep thinking that there is a market up here for a kid show, and I'd love to... My face, again, is my problem. I'm thinking Grandad Frank. It could be the character. You have to justify the fact that you are not... He sounds a bit unsavoury.

Would you grow whiskers? Would you grow with the full beard? No, no, I wouldn't do that. What would your shtick be? I might let the hair and nose stuff go a bit. Just so they can identify a bit of the kids. Something for them to swing on. You'd do a Dennis Healy.

So with your show, what's your shtick, Frank? You can't just call it Grandad Frank. Have you thought it through? I'm thinking of a rocking chair that actually moves, that I can go around Edinburgh with, giving that leaf that's on the rocking chair. Like a Stannister airlift for the outdoors. Yeah, so I've got the markers in sorts,

I just don't have to show you. Go right up there. How common that is is a theme I've noticed. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Alan Cochran. Text the show on 8-12-15 with those Jean Genet answers. I think Five Live are doing the same texting, so you're aware. Oh, no. Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. They're doing Is Jean Genie Upon Angeant Genet?

And they're running it alongside them. Which character from Star Trek does Sam Allardyce look most like? That's this morning's. If anyone wants to text in the Five Live without having to listen, you can just do it via... We'll tell you what they are. We'll keep you posted on the Five Lives textings, and you can listen to us and text them.

We've had a 760 that's just texted saying no, so I'm assuming that that's an answer to the Bowie question. OK, that's good to know. Take that off. A whole hour has passed in this show, and we haven't mentioned Bieber Belieber. What? So I'm going to put that to right.

And he's ever in the news. Isn't he? There's a Bieber Belieber. I mean, I have Bieber Belieber alerts so i'm gonna put that to right and he's ever in the news any there's a bieber believer i mean i have bieber bieber alerts on my phone now do you do you and it's been going crazy this week thank because i think things are turning a corner finally for bieber he doesn't often have a quiet week though to be fair to bieber well he's been? 20? Is he? Yeah. He, uh, He's beautiful. Well, you know,

he had that race, that unfortunate, what I'm going to call that unfortunate incident with the racing car. Oh, yeah, yeah.

They thought that they were drag racing. Yeah. His, uh, lovely father was in the car at the time.

Oh, yes, yes. My age. He's a nice dad. And, he's now agreed, they let him off because he's taking anger management classes and a $50,000 fine. Okay.

But I know with the anger management, which I think will work. You know, I wanted to do that once. I looked into it. Well, Kat's been persuading me to do it for years. Anger management? Yeah. No offence, but you obviously haven't done it yet. Well, I think I do it every day.

What about that? You're not an it yet. Well, I think I do it every day. What about that? You're not an angry type. No, I am not. I think there's a slight bit of thoughtlessness gone into this. I mean, if you were one of the other people going to anger management classes and Justin Bieber walked in, would you or would you not lose your temper a little bit? Because Bieber, I mean, he polarises opinion, doesn't he? I think I'd just scream

yeah i mean when he walked in it must be people like bleeping like people would be livid i don't know it would be you'd be you wouldn't be able to believe it a lot would you i mean i think you wouldn't believe i know one of the things they teach you anger management one of the first things they say is if you feel angry they say how old do you feel right now oh do they because that's the way to calm you, isn't it? Well, I'm out of there within five minutes. You could take advantage of anger, Matt. I mean, I've always thought that you could write a book about self-assertiveness.

And you could write on the blurb on the back, you have to buy this book. Because the people who are looking at a self-assertiveness book wouldn't be able to. They'd be like, I'd better buy it. That's a nice exploiting people. Yeah, exactly. But you can help them in the book. Just want the money, that's all. So he's got over the anger

because he'll do the management course, right? I didn't realise, by the way, that I read this week, he's a fellow follower of the Nazarene. I didn't realise that. Oh, yeah, Biba Belieber. I didn't know that. Going to Bible study. Yeah. Yeah. The Holy Bebel, I call him. follower of the nazarene i didn't realize oh yeah beaver believer i didn't know that study yeah yeah the holy bible i call it yeah i didn't know that though that's a new one on me yeah i thought he

was a non-believer i bet he's got a tattoo i bet he's got one of those tattoos saying only god can judge me oh well just above his left buttock he He tweeted, God is good, and it got retweeted something like 580,000 times. Yeah. Do you think the Vatican is following that tweet? Because they're on the old Twitter as well now, aren't they? Also, God is good. I hope he paid rights for that. I think they're at a manger management company.

That's me. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Here it comes, here it comes. Oh, that's better. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We're talking about Bieber. Playing the greatest hits. So that's the fourth radio slogan.

It just happens to be on the wall here. So that's the fourth radio slogan. It just happens to be on the wall here. Can we just put Bieber on hold? Just say that we've had a text in from 163 saying, Frank, you can join our children's show next year if you wish. Perhaps an animal circus and you can fly on a trapeze. That's from Bambino Beats. And they leave a kiss. Oh, no, I went to bambino beats this week really what

happened it's well i took i took buzz there because we'd had uh we'd had a few um not so good kid show experiences i thought you were saying you'd had a few then i was thinking this sounds like a worrying story bambino beats was lovely it was um it was three ladies in what I still call Madonna microphones. Oh, lovely. Those ones that come round. They'll always be called that. Oh, they'll always be that. And I was,

I went there. There was a few, often I go to these groups in London. I'm the only dad. It's all moms. But there was a couple of dads. I was the only person in a suit. That's why you go to them. You don't get many suits at kids' things. But I'm like the American dad, you know. Yeah. But it was great.

And there was lots of props. And we did, you know, Wiggly Woo. We did. We did Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed. It had everything. Was there any flying on trapezes or animal circus? There was lots of animal-themed songs and animal puppetry, monkeys and stuff. But Boz loved it.

If you're in Edinburgh, I'd say Cat in the Hat or Bambino Beats would be a good thing for the kids. Part of our role here, I suppose, is to recommend shows. Or both, if you're a high earner. I saw the Doctor Who musical this week as well. I need a doctor I would also recommend that oh I'm sorry

to hear that I did that how was it I'll tell you what I did though I did that I went with Gareth remember her

yeah I can't think of a more appropriate person to go with I can see you too Gareth who used to be in the cockerel's chair in the old days

for any new readers and yeah it was very, very fine. We laughed, we cried. Did you dress up? No, I didn't. I thought you dressed up, you people. You people.

That would have been brilliant if we'd have come. No, but they like to dress up, don't they? Yeah, no, it would have been good. If you'd gone dressed up as a TARDIS and it was a really small theatre and you'd gone as like a TARDIS in here. Was it an actual musical? Yeah, it's a musical.

They sing about being... Well, they have to be careful because of rights. They don't have rights. I'll bet they do. Oh. But I don't want to do spoilers. No. I'll tell you what, though.

I did that. I didn't do it. But one of the things I've always had problems with over the years, even though it can be helpful, is someone will come and see your show and they'll say, I really enjoyed the show. I was thinking, though, one joke you could have done that you didn't do. And do you do that, Al?

I try and disengage from that sort of thing. Do people do it to you? As it happens, you did it to me about four years ago. Oh, no! Ow! But you tiptoed towards it, and I said, all right, well, let's hear it then. And, yeah, it was fine.

Did you use it? It was a thing that I had already done. Oh, sure it was. That's what everybody says if it's good. Oh, yeah, I'd already thought of that. I just dropped it tonight. People always do that. Dropped it for time. Yeah yeah, I'd already thought of that. I just dropped it tonight. People always do that. Dropped it for time. Yeah, running over the hour.

Exactly. This is awful. Yeah. Absolutely awful. I don't think it is. But I kept thinking of things because it was about Doctor Who. I thought, oh, he could have done a joke about it. But I didn't go back and do it. You don't want to be that person. Well, the marriage of musicals and Doctor

Who worries me. Let's face it, marriage isn't often a word that's musicals and Doctor Who worries me. Marriage isn't often a word that's mentioned with the Doctor Who fans. There you go. Again. There ought to be, you know, the things have spread. We've got you know, everyone's protected now from this sort of abuse.

Even the Goths now. You can't ever go to the Goths. No. But for some reason, this is still, in inverted commas, acceptable. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. What about when Daisy, the producer,

just said she'd been to the cinema at the Edinburgh Festival and you were disgusted? Well, you do feel it's somewhere that you might go and see live entertainment if you're at the Edinburgh Festival. Two minutes walk from my venue, I'd say. Have you been to the Alan show? Probably walked past your door to go. Can I ask you a question? Have you been to either Alan show or Frank show? Frank's. She knows which side her bread's bottled.

Yeah, exactly. Look after Daddy Bear, or Bungle as I call him. So what about Bieber? Yeah. He's also, he's got a fan in the shape of Rita Ora. And actually Rita Ora, not just a similar body shape.

It's a sort of a strange void in me. Now, if I was a gentleman, I'd find her rather hot. Well, I know what you mean, but Rita Ora. I like Rita Ora because it sounds like a short extract from the Greek alphabet. Alpha, beta, Rita, Ora. Also, if that was your child, you so would have called it Kia. You couldn't have resisted it.

No, I'd have called her Nora. Nora Ora. But she... Is it not true that any... I mean, I think she is attractive, but any woman who has really blonde hair and bright red lippy looks great? Do you think so?

Well, let's say... If we take Julie Goodyear as the control in this experiment rather than an example of that. Julie Goodyear, maybe not, but I think, yeah, that's how you do it, isn't it? You get blonde hair and red lippy and you look great. Right. I mean, I don't think I've seen...

Em, I'm looking to you for an answer. You know about these things. I'll tell you what I think. I don't think that's true, actually. I think it works probably up to the age of about 23. Okay. How old is she? That's not a bad innings for beauty. No. And then, I think she's rather marvellous looking, I have to say.

I know what you mean. It requires a great deal of maintenance, the blonde hair and the red lippy look. Yeah. And the boots start coming through and it all looks a bit Coronation Street matriarch. But I mean, it's a sort of an Andy Warhol thing, you know, block of red, block of white, and it's sort of very appealing Warhol thing, you know, block of red, block of white. Yeah, yeah. And it's sort of very appealing.

Yeah, okay. Anyway, they'd make a beautiful couple. Well, she was asked on a show by Makita Oliver. God. You don't see so much of these days. She used to go to a club in West London and take a little dog in with her. Honestly, on a lead. Strange person for you to have gossip tidbits

about. Is that remarkable? Where did you read that? Why don't you take a dog to a club? Me and the Whippet are always out on the tiles. Am I right all the time? We're like really heavy techno, me and the Whippet, but I suppose different strokes for different folks.

I like Frank reading his little chat magazine or pick me up. That's where he found that. I actually saw it. What, with your own eyes? It was the last time I was in a club. Wow. I think it was 20 years ago. Makita asked Rita Oh, I'm liking it so far. Apparently you know, should you fancy him?

To which Rita said, who doesn't? Well, it's a good question. Who doesn't? Who doesn't? He's a good looking chap. I think maybe Sir Jonathan Miller., who doesn't? Well, it's a good question. It is. Who doesn't? He's a good-looking chap. I think maybe Sir Jonathan Miller. He probably doesn't. I don't know. See, I think he would have made a great... I don't know if I can say this on Breakfast Radio.

Yeah. But he was... Let's go with a von Kühler figure. Yes. Yes. He's cool, Al. He's a handsome boy. No one could doubt that.

He is. She also said that she likes how he's evolved, which I thought, given that the same story mentions that he's going to Bible study, seems a bit... Yeah. No, I think, though, I remember reading that up until the age of 12, he was an amphibian. Right.

I remember reading that, so I know what she means. He's probably been taught that that didn't happen now. Oh, I love his ascent of that. That is a very stereotypical view of the followers of the Nazarene. Yep. She says she likes his stance as well. I like his stance. I think that's because of the baggy trousers, though.

He has to sort of put his feet out wide, otherwise they slip down. So he's just doing like a horse stance almost. A horse stance? I like being attracted to someone for their stance, though. It's a sort of curious thing Frank would say. I know what you say. I met Sid Cherise once. Remember him?

No, Sid Cherise. This entire show is peppered with people I'm totally unaware of. She's a very glamorous Hollywood musical dancer. Yeah, she was in American in Paris I believe. And I met her, yes she was she was 80 when I met her. Insured her legs for a million pounds. She'd got that

did she? I thought that was the girl Betty Grable. No, they all do it. Okay. I never believe their stories. I know. You don't go to an insurance company and say I want to insure this bit for, I just don't believe. Anyway she had a straight back like an ironing board situation. She was 80

and I can see how posthumous you can draw someone in, regardless of any other bit. OK. So what about that? That's my Bieber. Well, it's more of a Sid Cherise thought. Also on Five Lives this morning. People of my age talk about the quarantine idols.

We have to take it back to centuries. But hey, I think it worked. We got away with it. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You know what I haven't discussed on this show? The National Health Service. No. OK.

The theatrical technique of alienation I'm sure I have discussed that at some point probably we've done it a bit for example my Jean Genet texted my complaints about first class I trailed on the show last week

can I say for a second I thought you had your leg up on the desk and that was your knee next to your chin there's a large foam microphone and I thought it was I thought you'd got black leggings on and that was your knee and I thought goodness me

she's flexible in the extreme Stop taking those mushrooms I trailed last week I mentioned Yeah I was going to mention that En passant En passant You was going to mention that En passant En passant En passant You were going to mention that too

Yeah That I'd been to see Jim Davidson Oh yes Oh I No you haven't told us about this You've kept it back Well wouldn't you A number of the readers

Have been in touch with me And they're all very keen to know What it was like What we all are Yeah Well I've noticed by the way before you um enter this world that i've met a few people have said oh i saw you the other night it was great

i've seen you and i've seen jim davidson i seem to be on the same to-do list oh dear you say to-do list i think there's already a structure that exists in the mathematical world called the uh venn diagram you're in the same part of the Venn diagram. That's not how I... I think it was Robert Burns, a local man, who said what a gift, a gift, a geus to see ourselves as others

see us. I know, I remember he said that to me, but I deleted the message. It was too long. Yeah. I sent back geus, question mark. Predictive text problem So Frank I thought he was trying to spell guys, it was of course Richard Wilson's

character in Merlin Carry on anyway I went to see Jim Davidson Is it with a mound or the rainy hall I believe or something The rainy hall? Yes it's called the rainy hall It's called The Rainy Hall. Oh, lovely.

It's called No Further Action. Yeah, let's not dwell on that too much. No, we won't dwell on that. Does he, though? Does he dwell on the title? Does he get any further action? No, he's married. Does he dwell on the title of the show?

Yes, he does. Let's not talk about that. There's an hour devoted to that. Some aspects of it quite bleak. I was a little bit... Yeah, how was that? I'm not going to lie. I was a little bit ashamed walking in. Oh, really?

Well, I just don't feel I'm the typical Jim Davidson demographic. So I had my laminates, so I waved them as if to say I'm with the show or I'm... Right, yeah, I'm a press critic or something. And I kept saying, I'll wait back here, shall I? I'll wait here, John or something, just make a name up. There were people looking, Guardian readers. What were they doing there?

It felt like a picket line. They were seeing other shows, more left-wing shows. Oh, I see. So you're damning the JD arena. They were looking at me. They were judging. OK. I should have worn my Union Jack shirt and gone.

That would have gone down well. I kept sticking my pass out. It was like I was at a crime scene. Sorry? I thought I'd misheard that. I was sticking my pass out. Oh, we'll get to that. Well, if you didn't have your knee up on the...

Anyway, let's get to JD. I'm excited. Okay, so when I walk in, because I stuck my pass out so much, I got to sit with a man at the lighting desk. Oh, okay. And he he said do you want to come and sit up here with me i went oh that'd be lovely and interesting offer it was i quite liked it anyway i said where i worked obviously i boasted i said yeah i wear a frank skinner show he said oh frank skinner yeah it's the banjo player in the comic

okay the banjo player in the comic what a gift a gift to see ourselves okay so let's cut to the chase jim yeah jim's not changed a great deal yeah i mean the experience has mellowed him a bit but he refers to lefties a lot okay he says all these lefties up here these lefties i'll tell you what everyone in the city they're all bonkers these lefties so many. These lefties. I tell you what, everyone in the city, they're all bonkers, these lefties. So many bonkers people. I bet he's renting a flat and there's one of those left-handed tin openers and he's incandescent with rage about it. Incandescent, I like.

He pointed to a lady in the audience. I won't say exactly what he said, but he alluded to the fact that he felt she had some nice attributes. Oh. Using Category C swear words. Oh. He said, oh, better not say that. The old sexist brigade will be on my case.

Oh, I like it when people talk about brigades. He talks a lot about brigades. I love a brigade reference. PC brigade. Oh, we did that as well. Yeah. It's funny because I'm being picketed by the boys brigade, who I wasn't expecting at all.

They're actually an official organisation. They are, I was in there. Yeah, I mean, they're in uniform. It's only because I made a joke about the euphonium. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Anyway, so I'm over at the mound with Jim Davidson. Yeah.

Not somewhere I ever wanted to be. He's then saying, he's got his suit on, with a slightly boot cut leg, I notice, on the suit. Oh, OK. Tailored, probably. He's ranting about Edinburgh. I used to do the summer season, you'd earn 500 grand, now you've got to come up here with these weirdos. Oh, OK. Tailored, probably. He's ranting about Edinburgh. I used to do the summer season. You'd earn 500 grand. Now you've got to come up here with these weirdos. Spoilers.

Hang on. 500 grand he used to get for it? Wow. Where did he say he did a summer season? No, I'm not going to spoil his material. No. How could one? But I will say, it's your classic gym.

It's what you'd expect. Well, that's what they want, presumably. Yeah, but there is an hour-long period where he talks. He talks about what happened to him in his difficult year, and some of it is quite bleak. I mean, it's gutsy to do that. Well, at the end, he says, I've got to earn a living, so this is how I'm going to wrap up the show.

He doesn't end with a gag. He says, I'll be signing copies of my book downstairs in the bar. Oh, he's shifting merch. So he says, thanks for your support. A lot of people are doing that this year. Yeah, but there's a little school table. And by the time you leave, he's already sat there.

He's run down there, and he's got the pen. Well, he doesn't want to miss anyone. I'm not knocking him up for trying to make a living, for goodness sake. I showed him my pass. Really? Did he sign it? Well, it was... Anyway, it's good that you, you know, that's what I like about you.

You've got your broad-minded, post-modern head on up here. You've seen all sorts of crazy... Well, yeah. I mean, the next day I went to see Circumcised Me. Pardon? Absolute. Absolute. Absol Me. Pardon? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. How many times have I said that in my life? I wonder. But we have been slightly neglecting the email corner, I think, because we're so excited at being in Edinburgh, we're perhaps...

We're not tending to it quite as much as we... I can take a hint. Shall we? I can take a hint. Email Corner as much as we... I can take a hint. Shall we? I can take a hint. Email Corner Happy now? Yeah. I've got an email here. See if you can guess where it's come from.

G'day, Emily, Alan and Emily. G'day, Emily, Alan and Emily. I wonder if that's a typo. Oh, God, I was going to hear a bit of that. Oh, we're doing a bed. I was going to hear a bed. Like a musical bed. Yeah, yeah.

That was lovely. Listening to the podcast from a couple of weeks ago, I could not help but notice that when you were thinking of what you could name as a skinner, Frank mentioned about calling a place Gordon. Actually, Gordon already exists in Victoria. Oh. And we also have a Donald and a train station Dennis. What?

We do have a Frankston, though, and a Skinner Reserve. Enjoy your day, Cobbers. Rob from Melbourne, Australia. Can I just say Skinner Reserve would be a great name? Blind and mongrel. Skinner Reserve would be a great name for your non-alcoholic wine, wouldn't it? Yeah, or for a sherry named after the old breakfast cereal

or what about make it alcoholic put a real twist in the tale what his name should have been was something like Frinton-on-Sea all the places there have got people names it's interesting he mentions Donald was it Donald did he say? he says we have a Donald

I did a game show recently for the BBC. Was it a pilot? It was a pilot. It was a show where Frank went shooting grouse. Yes, it wasn't. It was a game show and one of the questions they play to take that track.

Oh, I'd have got that. And you had to say who the lead vocalist was. Oh, did you get it right? Well, I didn't have a clue. As I've said to you before, I wouldn't go and see Take That if they were playing in my kitchen. Can you do phone a friend on this show? No.

So both people thought it was Gary Bartlett, both the contestants. Oh, yeah. And it turned out it was... Now, what can I say before we go any further? One of the contestants was a Scottish farmer who, in his spare time, he trained docks

and he used to have a sheep... They showed footage of a sheep dog leading these docks along a little rope ladder and going down a helter-skelter. So he spends hours training ducks. Now, the answer to the question,

it was a multiple-choice thing, the answer was Howard Donald. And I said, surely you should have gone for that because he's got two of the great famous duck names, Howard the Duck and Donald Duck. Got nothing. Nothing from the audience. And that was when I decided I was in the wrong place.

I mean, I don't expect so much a laugh, but applause for cleverness. Yeah, indeed. There aren't enough applause for cleverness in life. Do you think they were just worried about the duck farmer's bills? Oh, yeah. I'm happy with that. I think it's perfectly good work. But I can't help, inside me, there's a voice saying, no, I think it's perfectly good work but I can't help inside me there's a voice saying

no I think they were stupid nevertheless so yeah so he's picked the scab from the that Australian man the Howard Donald thing is something I still wake up

in the middle of the night and think about I mean what's the chances of that ever happening a man who trains ducks and an answer that's Howard Donald. I mean, come on. We'll still think about that in ten years to come.

Yeah, because, you know, these things, they're special. They shouldn't be wasted. Special? You're joking. Some duck joke. Yeah, like when I went out with... Special. I went out with someone.

She lived in flats in Birmingham called Bath Court. Lovely. They're quite rough. Well, they were then. They might be lovely now if anyone's listening from there. And I said, the trouble is with Bath Court is that the residents spend rather more time in the latter than they do in the former. And she said, where's the latter?

And then we had to split up, obviously. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We're still in email corner. Could I proceed with what I like to call email two? Yeah. This is from Jackie. Hi all. As a loyal podcast reader and Twitter follower...

If I could be for just an hour, if I could be for an hour every day, if I could be... Sorry, that was Jackie behind you. That was terrible. I think I know Jackie. Hello, Jackie. I was deeply concerned when a couple of Saturdays ago

I came across a shocking photo on my Twitter feed. I beg of you, Frank Allen and the Divine Miss M, why have you kidnapped Bill Nighy? What has he done to you? Please explain. Well, we should explain. I know exactly the photo to which she refers. I didn't, but you've just showed me it. And it's a picture of Frank sat on the floor next to a dustbin with his hoodie up. Well, actually, it's Daisy's hoodie.

Oh, that's right. We couldn't change the temperature in the studio that day, so Daisy very kindly loaned me her hoodie. You say very kindly. It's been a sartorial disaster. Yeah, you've got sort of a camouflage short on, and your hands wrapped around your knees,

which look very shiny in the picture. I think they look good. He's got good legs. I'm a Catholic. I've worn all the hair off them. From genuflecting. Praying, I meant praying, in case anyone's... We know what you meant. Yeah, don't want to...

Yeah, and you do look... You have got a touch of the Bill Nighy, but actually... Yeah, I think Anne Widdicombe said I had something of the Nighy about me. Did she, famously? Yeah. Yeah, does it look... Do I look that bad? And a slight element

of Doc Cockney if she was in South Park. I don't think it's bad. Touch for yourself. I'm going to pass the evidence over. Oh, yeah, I do look, I'm sorry about that.

Okay. People love a lookalike, I don't know. Yeah. If you consider how much of the popular media is based on lookalikes. I don't get a lot

of lookalikes. I just, I don't know. What of Lookie Likeys. I just... What's it all about? Who's your Lookie Likey? Rodders or someone? Yeah. Or Lurch off the Addams Family I used to get quite a lot. Okay.

I love this festival. I only get Dorian Birds of a Feather and Jackie Stallone. But what is... There's nothing else. What is the human urge for Lookie Likeys? We've all done it. It's just we don't want new people no it's just like that thing that there are only seven stories there's only really six faces you

know oh it tastes a bit like chicken that's it people don't want new stuff they want memories of old stuff echoes that's all they want yeah yeah they don't want not someone new they want someone who's a bit like that kid at school who had earache all the time. That's what they want. If there's any psychologists listening, this week's texting is, why is that? So, we should perhaps talk about my Edinburgh festival run as well. Oh, keen to hear. See if I can get my hand on the table in snooker terms. I've had a few strange responses from audiences the last seven nights of the show.

Why? Candid. Including doing some jokes. My show starts at ten past ten. It's in a proper kind of... TSA? Not that many, but it's a proper spit and sawdust comedy club all year round.

And I was doing a bit of material about maybe 20 minutes, half an hour into the show. And a woman went, oh, that is cruel! Out loud in front of 160 people. And I said, yeah, it was a joke. I did make it clear that it didn't really happen.

And she said, well, it's tasteless. And I said, I don't know what made you think when you were walking down the stairs of a comedy club at ten past ten at night that you were in for an hour of good taste. But good taste does not pay my mortgage at this time of the evening did you say that yeah yeah good point do you not you don't think i mean i think if you're if you're entering the world yeah yeah i can barely stop myself but that's everyone got very embarrassed it's a sort of sense of responsibility then isn't it i heard some people whispering i think he's

overreached years ago yeah if i'd have been, you'd have heard me whispering, what's a mortgage? Theatre of Alienation again. Thanks, Skinner. Brett actually produces this show. I mean, I've read about the mortgages. Well, let's not say what I just said off-air about flying. But, yeah, that's a strange response. Have you had a response quite like that in your time?

I mean, you must have been called tasteless occasionally. That has been. Yeah, but that's by Cass. I'm still getting lots of kids in. No. Are you? I'm still getting them. What sort of age then? My youngest is three I've had in. Wow. I've had seven, eight,

couple of ten-year-olds and some early teens. And your show is pretty blue. Well, I mean, I wouldn't go... At the end, it gets towards the end. It gets a little bit turquoise towards the end. Yeah, it does. Turquoise.

I wouldn't describe it as phenomenal. But even if my show was Beppo the Clown Spectacular, in which I juggled... Bambino Beats. Yeah, even if it was that, would I take a child that age to a show that started at 8.45 in the evening? No.

No siree. No. But, you know, you can't... You have to be careful because one thing that people are very touchy about is if you suggest that their parenting is a bit off, so you have to just embrace it. They pay.

Yeah. Let there be an end of it. Another thing that happened to me was I had one of the most functional responses to a question of an audience member ever. There's a gentleman in who it turned out had been married for 29 years. And I said, and I'll slightly tidy the question up. I said, you know, is it fair to say that over the years,

the nuptials kind of change over the years and he replied if it helps you to move on then yes now that's like red rag to a bull that didn't help me move on at all because everyone's thinking he sounds a bit pleased with himself no what it was was that he was danish oh it didn't it wasn't as uh if it helps you it was more like if it helps you to move on then yes oh i see if i had more time what i'd like to do is sort of audition an audience the way one would for flatmates yeah i'd like to you know meet them and see because i think i you do get people and you think no you shouldn't be here. There's nothing you can do about it. We stop with that, all of us in a way.

But, you know, again, thanks for coming. Yeah, we love you all. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. a.m on absolute radio across the uk on digital radio mobile apps and in london and the southeast on 105.8 fm

absolute radio before we continue with alan's edinburgh shenanigans we've had you remember earlier i thought your show should be called. Next year. Next year. Definitely. You were saying that you felt the way people always recognised other people in themselves. Oh, it's the whole lookalike. What is the lure of the lookalike thing? Why do people think, oh, it looks a bit like... Well, Sarah Johnson has got in touch with us. Sarah says, morning all, I'm a psychologist. Yes, I asked if there was any psychologist.

Of course, there's always a good chance there would be. Turns out there is one in our demographic. Fabulous. The brain naturally searches for familiar patterns and stores information categorically. Hence, we naturally compare new information to that known as it cuts down on processing time. Yes, I see.

It does make sense. Sounds good. Thank you, Sarah. Sarah, good in time. Yes, I see. That makes sense. It does make sense. That's good. Thank you, Sarah. Sarah, good nature. Thanks, Sarah. And we've also had one from 641 answering the question about you getting on the shipping forecast. You were so excited to get on Just a Minute on Radio 4

and you wanted to do the shipping forecast. Frank, they do have celebrity shipping forecast. I have Alan Bennett doing one as a ringtone on my phone oh i'm gonna get that yeah that sounds good how would that sound you could do impressions can't you oh put me on the spot don't do alan you know my feelings german dogger bite east fogarty east wind strong i saw ian mcmillan on the telly the other day That is absolutely marvellous Thank you so much

I'm absolutely stunned The Guardian I saw Ian McMillan on the telly And remembered the Barnsley poet Had become your go-to voice When the accent was going to be questionable I remember that Oh, it's...

Anyway Perhaps that's next year's show, Impressions. Oh, that'd be good. No one can knock you for your Bennett. In all seriousness, I was thinking of coming up next year and doing a juggling show. Juggling and jokes.

Can I do a show? Yeah, but I could learn better tricks. Let's do an Impressions. I can do Adrian Charles. All right, Tim, there's Adrian here. You can do Alan Bennett. We could do a sitcom with all those people in it. Yeah, that sounds good

Yes sir, we'll be coming up with a sitcom later on in the show Yes, yes It's very good, I hope you agree Who's that at the door? I don't know I think it's Ian McMillan Hello, how are you? Have you got a bottle of milk?

Milk, it's white, it's white You can hear, you can hear the milk Come on in and have a cup of tea. The least popular show ever staged here. I don't know, we might get a few readers come up. I'd love it. So anyway, back to your show. Back to my, well, not so much my show.

I think we're all culture vultures whilst we're up here. We're all looking for the recommendation, aren't we? We're not Daisy, she went to the cinema. But other than Daisy. Why don't you go and see Street Dance 5? Go and see a mainstream film. She's all for Street Dance 5. But I don't know about you, but what I think happens is that you start

tuning into other people's conversations, looking out for a word of mouth recommendation, don't you? You think, oh. And I walked past somebody in the street, as they were saying, and it was quite a posh sort of um person's voice and he was saying i really really love watching and i thought here we go there's going to be a recommendation here and honestly he said i really really love watching bsl bsl what is that I think it's British Sign Language. Oh.

So I think he was saying, whatever the show is, if there's a sign language interpreter, I'm in. It's a good thing to... I was talking to someone the other day, a theatrical person, who was saying to me they went to a show where the signer was just a bit too demonstrative and got in the way of the whole. Oh, really? I think some of them think this is my moment,

this is my perfect moment with you. Oh, yeah, it's the big Martine McCutcheon. Yeah, and they start doing the grander gestures. You don't want a shadow. If a shadow's casting across the actors on stage, that's... My only other guess was that it was somebody who was so posh but actually they'd originated from somewhere with a very regional accent, and to get rid of it

they'd just gone for an acronym on everything that they thought might come out like Geordie or something so he was going I really really love watching Brilliant Singing Lake and just putting in an acronym you know, shall we go to KFC What if that man's listening. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. There's one show I have to tell you about, which was slightly irregular. Oh, yeah. It was in Leith. Oh, OK. I've never been there before.

I've never ventured there. Right. Can't be on my toes. The show is called You Have to Forgive Me. Basically, you're the only audience member and it involves getting into bed with a man. There's only one audience member deliberately. I mean, I've been to a few. I've done Edinburgh shows so there's only one audience member

but it wasn't the idea. Really? That's the conceit. One-on-one show? One-on-one. Did you queue? No. Well, I waited for about 20 minutes. He was running late with the person before. Oh, it's like confession. It was.

Not the bed bit. It was like seeing one of my specialists in Harley Street. What, do you lie next to him on the bed? I'll tell you exactly what happens. Oh, please do. Please do. Spoilers. You watch an episode of Sex and the City,

and I believe the episode itself is called You Have to Forgive Me. Oh, no. So when I was telling my boyfriend about this, I said, oh, I'm going to see the show, and I do get into bed with a man, and, you know, it's You Have to Forgive Me, and he went, it's okay, I trust you, I forgive you. I said, no, no, that's the show.

It's called You Have to Forgive Me. So it's called You Have to Forgive Me. You walk in. I think it's safe to say he's a friend of Oscar's's this man which was a relief to me oh yeah okay he goes hi right so you felt safe i felt safe the minute he said hi he had me at hello as it were yeah he's also watching sex in the city the evidence is mounting yeah uh he gave me some clothes to choose from he said you want to just strip off and put those clothes on? He never did.

But in a closed booth, was he? No. No. No closed booth. He, I was in a room, I see, so there was no one else looking. It was just the two of us. Just making a few notes. I've had an idea for my show for next year.

He sort of turned around slightly, maybe 20 degrees, but he could still see me. Okay. Luckily I had matching underwear. Not that he'd have cared. That was lucky. He would have cared, though. He said, but he could still see me. Okay. Luckily I had matching underwear. Not that he'd have cared. That was lucky. He would have cared, though. He said, just put some of those on. When he says some of those...

I always have matching underwear. Yes, I know. There was some old tracky bums. I put them on. And there was a, how you'd probably pronounce it, Billy Joel T-shirt, tall T-shirt. Piano man. About 1983. Don't think it had been washed since then

absolutely smelt everything i put on wow absolutely stunk good on you though for proceeding when you say proceeding we get on the bed he goes come sit here and he taps the bed yeah puts his arm around me and there's no one else there at all just the two of us he starts watching which one do you want to watch? We start watching it. He holds my hand. Yeah. And by this stage, I was getting a bit worried.

I'm not going to lie. We start watching it. He talks throughout it. What? He says, I love this bit. Okay. And to be honest,

that's my worst nightmare. Someone talking incessantly throughout an episode of Sex and the City. Do you remember that bit in, what's the thing with James Corden in, set in Wales? Gavin and Stacey. The bit where Rob Brydon watches Sex and the City, the DVD, the movie. And he comes down the next day and says,

Those DVD extras were out of this world it's one of my favorite moments was there anything that good well i'll tell you what it feels like because we watch it together and then afterwards he gives me a big motivational speech and play some music about how wonderful i am and how lucky a man is to have me in a relationship. That's nice. He's not in a relationship. I did ask him. He said, have you got a boyfriend? I suggested, have you?

He goes, not currently. Was he American? Yes. And then, I'll tell you what it is. It's like hiring a gay best friend for an hour. But he's hiring himself out five, six times a day? Is he doing that? 13 times a day.

No. Not superstitious. He does a 13-hour day in the bedroom. Wow. That's a lot of telly. It is a lot of telly. Are you worried about the blue light? Harry Hill would have had a breakdown.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Did I tell you, you have to forgive me, I had to fill out a survey when I went to this show that I saw,

me and a man in bed. Oh, it's like A&E. Yeah. I hate having to fill stuff in when you go somewhere. 90 minutes it took me. Did you mean A&E? What? 90 minutes. It took me, I went in there, I said, I've done the survey.

He goes, yeah, that's just in lieu of payment. So he keeps the findings. He says he keeps them private. Well, I should hope so, because some of the questions were rather, well, let's say, what are the breakup rules? Wow. Okay. Are relationships a religion of the 90s, Frank?

Um, no. Well, you've only got 90 minutes, you can't take that long. Not in our house. And finally... Still the Holy Roman Church. Are all men freaks? Oh, it's, no. I don't know what the percentages are, but i wouldn't say all of them were

let's say for example bieber it's not a very scientific questionnaire is it no it's very opinion based well i've been great um commitment from you though to go to a show that took a 90 minute questionnaire before and then how long was the actual event the the show? Roughly an hour, an hour long. Half an hour of that was watching Sex in the City. The other half hour was hand-holding. And he gave me the motivational speech, took about 15 to 18 minutes.

He just sung it, it was over music. I could have done with a motivational speech various times during the festival. Yeah, but two and a half hour commitment is too much, isn't it? Well, you say that, Frank, but we've had a number of people texting and emailing praising your Alan Bennett impression. Well, maybe I need to incorporate that into the show.

That could be the missing ingredient. And 096, looky likey, Frank and Peter Capaldi, surely it's been seen already. Yes, and I'm going to a screening of Deep Breath on Thursday it's very exciting and can I say best review of the week when I saw Cat in the Hat afterwards as the crowd were leaving

Boz was saying stuff I couldn't hear what he was saying I said I can't hear you and he's going I said I can't hear you so I had to get him outside in the choir I said what was you saying he said I like Cat in the Hat very very funny I think the quiet. I said, what was you saying? He said, I like Cat in the Hat. Very, very funny. I think the first time I heard him say that, it wasn't about me.

I was absolutely got it. Nevertheless, thank you for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Get out.