The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Celeb Spot

Episode Date: October 19, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. The Cockerel is back from filming and the team catch up on latest celeb spots, Andy Murray's OBE, the Cockerel's night out and giving up your seat.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner. And I am angry. Oh no! No, I'm not really actually. I'm with Emily Dean and guess what? Alan Cochran has returned. Morning. I'm so excited. You can text the show on 8-12-15,

follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us through the Absolute website. Alan's back and he's got tartan on. That's very AW. Yeah, I should say he's also, he's got a camel hair coat over his, draped over his shoulders and shades. And he didn't normally have your name on the back of your chair did you?

No, but I insist on it now at all times. Okay, fair enough. Sorry, have we started? I'm used to hearing action before I get going. Oh! Me too, love. Frank. Oh dear. Frank, he's famous now.

Yes, he's very much not. This is going to be, are you not acting? No script? No, I... So how has it been? We should say that the cock... In case you don't know, and you probably do, if you're a regular, the cockerel's been...

I don't know what we can say, but it's a sitcom, is it? Yeah. We can say that. We do a little part in a sitcom. Yeah. That's what we can say. I heard you were one of the best things in it. Yeah, we heard.

Although, as Stanislavski said, there's no such thing as small parts when we're small players. Oh, I love the new Cockerel. I must say, I've used that one a few times. Yeah. Do you like Cockerel 2.0? Yeah. Oh, he's lovely, isn't he?

I haven't downloaded it yet. I'm afraid I haven't got the storage. But, yes, you do have a new air of confidence about you. Oh, come, come. No, really. Even the way you say come, come, you'd never have said that before. I always felt that the acting thing was a bit of a thorn in your hide. In my what?

In your hide. Right. What is the acting thing that you speak of? Well you know You know when you were chasing the asthmatic I almost felt that you felt that was the first wrong on the ladder Yeah yeah It turned out it was a speed bump

It was one of my bigger roles But now What was that in again? Albion Market? A&E always Oh A&E yeah Albion Market was before the cockerel was born I think I don't know what Albion Market is

I've just chose to not answer that. OK. It was an early BBC attempt. Where was it set? A pre-EastEnders attempt at a soap opera. Where was it set? It was sort of in a London market, wasn't it? I think it was Midlands, actually.

No, I think it was London. Can all readers tell us, please? I think it was Midlands. Wasn't Helen Shapiro in it, Walking Back to Happiness? Oh, was she? Oh, OK. Excellent. Sorry, have we stopped talking about me for a bit? Yeah, we have. I'm afraid on this show everything stops for Helen Shapiro. It's because of a rule, isn't it?

It is, yeah. No-one can accuse us of being Shapiro-ist. No. John Bennet was in it as well. He was a very fine actor. And I think Joe Melia. All the set. He was definitely in London. Can I just... No, it stinks of Birmingham. We'll find out anyway. I like having Cockrell

back, don't you? Yes, don't get me wrong. I love Steve Hall, but this is the A-team. You can't get round that. Cockrell won't fly anywhere and he wears a lot of jewellery. That's true, yeah. I'm really bling. Since we had that chat about that mare, I've really gone crazy on the jewellery. Can you at least tell us something about your role in this mysterious sitcom?

I'm in a sitcom. I don't know when it will be on, and I don't know how much I'm meant to say about this. Isn't that the worst thing ever? If ever you're filming in the street, someone comes up and says, when will this be on? Yeah. do i look like i work in scheduling and we're happy you never say that people think in a year's time i think it'll be on in a year

god seems so far away what if you die in the interim exactly but it'll just be a card at the end. They'll answer the credit music. It'll be silent. I know, they'll dedicate it to our friend, Alan Cochran. That'd be nice. Oh. Dates. Oh, dates. This is really how I started the show. I've got to sit and think about this for three hours.

To our dear friend. Why do they always put dates on today's show? Oh, never put the dates. You know, this was their window. I know, don't do the dates. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. And action. Frank, don't say we're not with it on this show, because we've just had a text in. I've never said that. Re-Albion Market. Okay. This text just in 688.

Hi, Frank and Carol. Albion Market. We're set in. Are you ready? It's somewhere in London. What are you going for? I can read it. It's on my screen also.

It's Salford. You are... having a laugh. No, it was Salford. Oh, OK. Right, there you go. So we were both wrong. Well, I thought it was Birmingham.

Yes, so we were both wrong. Well, I thought it was Birmingham. Yes, so we were both wrong. Well, it's not that far, is it? Anyway, what else? 90 miles or something, isn't it? Yeah, somewhere. Okay. Someone will text that in as well. It doesn't matter.

Don't text that in. It is 90. Roughly. It's not there, anyway. Salford is not Birmingham. We don't need anyone to text us in, but I know that. You know I like a humdrum text. I know it off the top of my head.

I tell you who I want to talk about this morning with you boys. Hazza. I love me a bit of Prince Harry. He's my fresh prince. He's my favourite of the princes, don't you think? Because he's a bit cheeky, isn't he? He's a bit mischievous, and that's why I like him. He has been nice.

He doesn't have to be on his best behaviour, which is what I like about him. No, he's one of those wild princes. He's the classic second son, because he'll probably never have the full responsibility. He can live the high life. Yeah. He pretends to be in the army, he gets naked.

He dresses as well-known terrorista. I mean, he's naughty. Now, he's only gone and turned up in nandos as you call it what the greek island we call it nandos frank calls it nandos i um you disregard that yeah he doesn't like it he goes nandos i've only i've recently actually because i've been working out at the studios in Elm Street. Working out? Do I look like I've been working out? I've been working out on the Nando's diet.

Have you been pumping iron, Frank? No. Okay. I've been ironing. Is that the same thing? I've been going to Nando's on a couple of occasions. By the way, if you work for Nando's, don't. I don't want the famous black card.

You can stick it. But it's very nice. It's lovely, isn't it? I feel like I can say it's nice stuff now I've made that point. Yeah. But I always order... Someone said to me, you've got to have double chicken burger fries and corn on the cob.

That's the classic meal. What about peri-peri fries? You've medium medium medium peri peri sauce medium medium for peri peri peri medium medium peri peri go large is what i order and a mile yeah yeah um peri go large remember that film it's very good so i've been doing that but i've never this friend of mine obviously has a bigger appetite than me because i've never i've been doing that but i've never this friend of mine obviously has a bigger appetite than me because i've never i've done it twice and i haven't unwrapped the corn on the cob yeah on any occasion so i'm thinking you know when you get you get to my age that when you're like even 30 you think i'll be able to you know okay i can't ski but i learned to ski

all right you know i okay there's not space travel at the moment, but there will be. I'm of an age now where I think stuff like, I'll never do that. That's gone, that door's shut. And that's what I'm thinking about calling on the car, but Nando's. I just think it's beyond me. Unless I have one on its own.

Oh, you don't want to go solo, Karl. If a man went into Nando's and said, can I just have a corn on the cob? I mean, I think he was a revolution. Anyway, Harry... I'll tell you exactly what he had. He had a lemon herb chick-see. What?

I love the lemon herb. That's the one I go for as well. Daisy's nodding. It's the lady's choice normally, the lemon herb. I can imagine that, because herb makes it sound like it's... It's like rustic bread. He's the lady's choice, normally, the lemon herb. Oh, I see. I can imagine that, because herb makes it sound like it's... It's like rustic bread. He's suggesting he's strung out.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I'm strung out on the herb. And a side order of mash, which I thought was an extraordinary choice. Mash. Who wouldn't go for the peri-peri chips? That's the point of Nando's. I think he's gone for mash.

That's because he has to retain some of the responsibility of the second in line third in line to the throne not chips but mash slightly healthier chips well the bill hasn't forgotten even in the moment of euphoria post england qualifying for the world cup that he's still a role model yeah well jupata model the bill came to 24 pounds okay he paid we'll be paying for that. Just remember that. Well, did he pay with a Granny Blue or a Granny Brown? That's apparently what they call money. Is it right?

I heard that they call... Granny Brown, Granny Blue. They call the royal baby Tips because they reduce Prince George to PG. Oh. And now they call him Tips, I say, yeah. Oh, so they've got their own little code. Oh, God, they have a...

What a life they lead. Hey, imagine it. But they're letters to each other. They don't even have normal words. It just says PG Tips. Letters? Yeah. I think you overestimate them.

They all live in the same house. Why do they send letters? From one wing to the other. Yeah. I like that they live in the same house. Nice, isn't it? From one wing to the other. I like that they live in the same house. It's a bit student-y. Yeah, exactly. I like Prince Harry.

He's quite man of the people. He's not having swan sandwiches. He's very man of the people. I agree with that. Yeah, he is. And we'll come back to this because there's been a bit more Man of the People stuff going on. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh! That's when stereo goes wrong. Over to you, Cockrell. I was just going to add on the Prince Harry going to Nando's thing. The last thing we said before we played some commercial music was that he is the man of the people. And there's a bit in this article that I think couldn't be more man of the people.

The prince apparently placed the order at around 11.50pm and spent the next few minutes playing with his mobile phone. Isn't that just so real? Like, normal. That's what people do, innit? They put their food order in and then they go, right, I've nothing to do for a second. I got my phone.

And the phone's straight in their hand, either playing Snake or checking their emails or whatever they do. I've been playing quite a lot of chess. Yeah, but when he's texting people, he's texting Peregrine and you're not. Yeah, but the other royals are probably standing disgusting... He's texting courts of arms with their courtiers or whatever it is they do. Isn't he texting Kofi and Nan and people like that? Yeah.

Saying, do you want Peri-Peri or Herbert? I'm bringing it back. They haven't got Dr Pepper. Kofi's in the car, so I can't come in, because he's going to look bad. And you know I can't go to the Indian. I'm sick of the Nan joke every time I go in there. So let's go to Nandos.

I don't really eat Nandos a lot, because I think it's spicy food for people who don't like curry. Just go for a curry. Because Frank doesn't like curry. Yeah, I know. Weird. Well, that's weird, is it it because i'm different weirdo people like you to put stars on people tattooists let's move on um but actually we've had a few celeb spots because we've been talking about harry and nando's and this i think might beat about Harry and Nando's, and this, I think, might beat Harry and Nando's, which is from Raymond, one of my regulars.

I'm imagining Raymond is your hairdresser. Yes. And I should be seeing Raymond for a shampoo and set. When I was seven, I saw Bill Treacher in Foster's Clothes Shop in Bury St Edmunds. Bill Treacher? Was he not Bill Trencher? Isn't that what he was called? No, Bill Treacher. He was the EastEnders man who had a bit of a

he had a bit of a turn, didn't he? He did have a turn. Yeah, Arthur Fowley. He stole the Christmas Club money. He was one of the issues. You know, some people just the characters, they're in it for a bit and then they become issues. He was mental health. That was seven months that he stole the Christmas Club money.

It was considered a strong enough plot line to carry... I think in those days when the Christmas Club money was everything to those small communities. Times have changed, of course. We've had another one. Jim saw Michaela Strachan getting petrol in Colston. I used to think she was very beautiful careless tracker yes i can imagine even today i'd like to see her getting petrol chuckle brothers at lax airport no no what are

they doing there what are they doing anywhere that's not the uk i can't see them in anything other than a lorry that's they were at airport. They're doing well for themselves. I wonder what they were probably talking about, a film or something. Yeah, yeah, the Choco Brothers movie, yeah. I think Tarantino was going to direct. They're going to do the serious part eventually.

And Widdicombe in a toilet. What? I know, I know. I know it's serious. But Jay-Z was on the tube as well, wasn't he, this week? I believe when he's in this country, Jay-Z. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. Jay-Z was on the tube, yes.

What's happened to the world? Major international recording artists are on the tube and then hen parties from Dagenham are in stretch limousines. What's happened? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We've had so many celebrity spots in.

We've had... Oh, someone's pom-pom. That was mine. See, I've missed that. How was that on set? Sorry, sorry, Geoff, are we going to

have to do that again? There was some sort of rumble. Sorry, everyone. I just usually turn around and I immediately say, I refuse to do that again.

Fix it in post. That's what I say. Oh, is that what you say? Do you say purse like that? Purse. Purse. And they all go, fix it in what? They sit in the moment slightly lost. Purse. What is that what you say? Brilliant. Do you say purse like that? Purse. Purse. And they all go, fixing in what?

They sit in the moment slightly lost. Purse. What is that? No, no, I say fixing in purse. What is that? He wants it fixed in where? Perth. I mean, that's going to be expensive.

Fixing in purse. But you know what? I'm impressed as Tommy's rumbling because he's keeping thin for his TV appearance. He's probably on some mad diet. He's like Kate Middleton. I'm a bit like Christian Bale in The Machinist. I'm trying to really get the body fat down. I just eat an apple, that's it.

I once saw Arsene Wenger in a South African hotel lobby. Oh, God, I hate this anecdote already. What the hell happened? He ordered an apple and a knife and fork. And he hit the apple with a knife and fork. No. Yes. And there was lots of people around.

Like a red apple. I really respect him for that. Shows the restraint of the man. I'm worried about him. Alex Ferguson, what was he eating in the corner? Well, he looks like a saluki. You know those donks? I don't know, no.

Yeah, they're like greyhounds that are blurred slightly, they're a bit furrier than your average greyhound. He's very slim. And if a man eats an apple with a knife and fork, you think, are you all right? No, you don't. You just think, as I say, he's got admirable restraint.

Wow. I could see he'd done it before. He had a very... his technique. I mean, if I... it'd be on the floor in ten seconds if I tried to eat an apple with a knife and fork. Yeah. But he had it. It was always under his control. Right. Oh, yeah.

Excuse me, do you want to hear about my celebrity encounter? He must have said, Pomme de Terce, it would play. And then Nathan Fox. Momentarily forgetting his native tongue. Exactly. The French have no word for cutlery. No, I think he realised that the waiter in the Cape Town...

Pomme de Terce, it will play in FN4. Yeah, we could see the confusion on the waiter's face. And then, why is it? You want to know if folk be eating apple? Or that what guy got? There's a saluki eating an apple with the northern folk in it. That's what happened. Anyway, that's a little story from my South African trip.

One of my favourites. Featuring Arsene Wenger. Yeah. Who suddenly seems to have lost his ability to speak his mother tongue. I was telling the gang earlier that Alex Ferguson said... We were gang? Yeah.

Alex Ferguson. That's the moment we lost it when we got the gang. Alex Ferguson said... We were gang? Yeah. Alex Ferguson. That was the moment we lost him when we got the gang. Alex Ferguson was saying, people think I'm football obsessive and arse-fanger as an intellectual, but he's obsessed. All he ever thinks about is football. He watches Bundesliga games Tuesday night. He says, whereas I've got loads of

interest, my favourite film is Seabiscuit. Seabiscuit? Yeah, he's truly... He loves the art house. Oh, he does, doesn't he? He he loves the art house oh he does doesn't he he's on the sea it's a bit of a peter greenway fan i've heard now listen what about my fleet with me what about my celebrity encounter what about it what was it well what happened this week i'm just worried which one is this going to be in how much detail? That's what I... I feel my heart thumping. Can I hear the whole thing? So I was with a friend near my work,

which is in London's South Bank area. You're familiar with it yourself, Frank? Mm, mm. And I was at... Can I name this place? It was a... It's a sort of healthy fast food joint. I think we've already named Nando's.

You can name one of the other islands. So this is called leon are you familiar with its work is it pork pork based not particularly no i was thinking lately on the pig farmer no it's but it's quite healthy one of alex ferguson's favorite film it's nice leon leon the pig farmer it's still a kind of fast food it's a healthy fast food okay okay so i'm standing there with my friend Simon. Bit of a man about town, Simon. He spots a friend in front of him.

What does man about town mean in this context? Well, it just means he knows people. He's a mover and a shaker. Okay. So he's standing in front of me. Criminal, yeah. He spots a friend. And you know when someone spots a friend and you think,

oh no, now we've got someone else. We've gone to lunch together. An interloper. Exactly. So I thought i'm going to detach myself from this so i detached myself i thought i'm not getting involved i'm not getting involved i looked at the menu in terms of look over there he's talking all i saw was the leather jacket of the man it's always difficult if a friend of yours talks to a friend i don't want to meet them i tend to hold back and let them just talk to their friend. That's what I do. Somebody will come in and wait to be introduced. I don't do that. Not Frank.

Also, I don't want to meet your friends. I like you, but there's no guarantee I'll like your friends. So the leather jacket man, I can see this leather jacket. I'm like, oh, how long is he going to talk to the leather jacket man? Conversation's going on for ages. I'm looking at the menu. Leather jacket man's still droning on. Eventually.

I just know this is going to be leslie grantham there's a jacket man who else could it be bros it went on so long it felt like about two hours i thought i'm gonna have to i'm gonna have to be polite to this man as i turn to talk to him i hear simon say so what are you doing around here jude now Now, I don't know about you, but I don't know many Judes. No. They're obscure, aren't they? Well, fine work, Cockcrawl. Yeah, excellent.

Thank you. It turned out this was Jude Law. You know what? I'd guessed that on the Jude. Yes. I didn't want to say it because I didn't want to spoil it, but inside me I knew it was going to be him so by this stage this is difficult because i've detached myself but now never have i wanted to be in a conversation more than this one

thanks very much yeah i've got to rejoin the jude. Was he wearing a hat? No, he wasn't. Okay. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So I'm with Jude Law.

Yeah. I say with. He doesn't know I exist at this point in time. You're adjacent. Yes. And he's got a leather jacket on. Yeah. Is he all in black? I'm picturing him all in black.

There might be some scarf element going on. Of course. One of those. Yeah. Like a Tibetan. But he's got like a shoulder bag with a script in it. Yes, I think so. Oh, I'm like that.

Yeah, I'm like that. Oh, you're like that, yeah. I'm not saying it makes him a bad person. Actually, I've realised I'm now in a similar bit of the Venn diagram to Jude, aren't I? Oh, God. I wasn't for a couple of weeks ago, but now I'm more like it makes him a bad person. Actually, I've realised I'm now in a similar bit of the Venn diagram to Jude, aren't I? Oh, God. I wasn't for a couple of weeks ago, but now I'm more like Jude. You are. You are.

You've got around it. Once you start acting, that's it. Yeah, but you're one of them lovely jubblies, aren't you? What's that? That's the word for lovies that I heard someone use once. Lovely jubbly. Jonathan Ross's manager said that once. So did you speak to her?

Oh, yeah. Did I speak to oh yeah did I speak to can you imagine me not taking advantage Simon took he punished me he took ages to introduce me it felt like about three hours I was like come on I'm standing on the sidelines getting so angry he wouldn't do it and then he eventually went oh this is my friend Emily oh he went hi i'm jude oh i said hi jude and the first thing i said and he went oh god i don't know why i said this i started talking about property prices i was a bit nervous and i said it's really up and coming around this area isn't it it's amazing around here the properties are really going up yeah he said yeah? Yeah. He said, yeah, yeah. I said, and then I said, yeah, the thing is, now's not the time to buy.

It's too expensive now. Oh, you've got property advice now. Yeah, well, he gets about 10 million a movie. Yeah. He pretended to sympathise. He went, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. It's too expensive. Oh, he's all humble.

He was lovely. Oh, lovely. Simon got his number. OK. Yeah, and email address. But then when we sat down he said oh no he writes his sevens like his nines I can't work out if this I can't work out the number I'd do that if I was giving out my phone number in Leon to people that would just Simon was a friend of his yeah well you know do people have his number and email address today

yeah but he ruined it he went back to get to check on the number and i think it destroyed it looked like autograph hunters it was awful he didn't go back he did he said excuse me deliberately given him yeah confusing number he said oh jude don't say jude loudly across the restaurant jude jude oh the number's wrong don't say hey Jude. Hey Jude, very good. I know. So that was my exciting moment. But it's no Rod Hull in Bournemouth coming out of a chip shop, which is what Ben Carter spotted.

That's much better. And of course, there's only one question that has to come off the back of that. Was he alone? Well, exactly. The idea of he's got the chips in one hand and then there's one of those small pickled egg containers being held by Emu. Emu feeling awkward about the egg element of it

and whether he was doing something morally wrong. John Voight in Harrods Toy Department buying an Action Man. Wow, John Voight. That's a good one. We've had a text in that I think On the subject of Celeb scene Hi I thought you might like this rhyme based On an incident a few weeks past I saw Frank Skinner

Eating his dinner in the Tate In constant debate Now She's put that in caps now Depending where you break this Brackets on the I-N's It is a Clary Hugh or a High Q. Oh, good.

I call it a High Clary Hugh from Joe in Orbington. Very good. This is commercial radio, by the way, listenership. This is still commercial radio. You can skip the theory and still enjoy the poetry, I think. I think so, yeah. I was in... I'd done a film for, um,

Tate Modern. Oh, is this the thing? Yes. About performance art. Yes. Which is currently on YouTube. I think I can promote that because I don't make any money out of it. I've actually seen it. I thought it was marvellous, yeah. I love it. Thank you so much. I haven't, but I'll make a note to watch it. And I'm paid, um,

I'll tell you what. Oh, this is a bit vulgar. No, but this is unusual. I was played with three nights at a thingy Meridian Hotel. What are they called? Meridian. Yeah, Meridian. Not Meridian Hotel. Meridian, yeah.

Oh. But they're in London, mainly, the Meridian. Right, where you live. I stopped mispronouncing it. Now I've told you it. Yeah, but, you know, it's still nice. Have you been there, then? No, I haven't done it yet.

I've got points on a card. Oh, that's classy. But it's always nice being... You take half there. I'll put it on my card. I've got my points. I wouldn't really... Yeah, exactly.

It's like having a voucher at the supermarket. You do love a voucher. Why don't you buy a Valentine's dinner with luncheon vouchers? Didn't they say that Wayne and Colleen used cut-out vouchers from magazines at the supermarket? Oh, I hope so. I love them for that. Respecto. Respecto.

What about this? What do you do? I heard a celebrity I know being talked about this week. Now, that's a bit awkward. What do you do in that situation? Listen. Yeah, exactly. You eavesdrop.

Well, we did. So I'm with Daisy. We're at a screening. And I hope they're being heavily criticised, I imagine, on one level. I don't know if you'll still have that opinion when I tell you this story. Is it going to be me? Daisy and I are at a screening. I go to the loo.

I said, I've got to pop to the loo. I was having a wine. She was having a Coke. Went to the loo. I get a text from Daisy whilst in the loo. The i was having a wine she was having a coke um went to the loo i get a text from daisy whilst in the loo the men behind are talking about frank i have never done up my trousers so quickly oh surely you have oh god it's my wife no they're just gonna have to face it um i dashed back the men are there i said i caught the tail end of this so daisy had

filled me in a bit and what they were saying they were talking about they're saying what about that um steven moffat thing they'd been at that interview thing you did remember you did they were whovians frank okay they said well you could tell steven wasn't happy and frank was talking about the uh sonic screwdriver this is the kind of gossip I generate. Yeah, these days. What if there'd been a tabloid journalist that'd have been in big trouble? I think one of my fave quotes

ever is, you could tell Stephen wasn't happy when Frank was talking about the sonic screwdriver. The other man said it was brilliant. Thought Frank was brilliant. Yeah, he loved you you but then he said he's right about the sonic screwdriver see that's it that's the bottom line

what used to be a power tool has become a magic wand but we felt so relieved that they were nice about you imagine how I feel but weren't you slightly hoping they'd be nasty about me even if I was listening they'd be nasty about me? Yeah, 100%. Even if I was listening, it'd be part of me.

You know that thing that the French writer said that talked about the exclusive pleasure of watching a very close friend fall off the roof of a house? There is something. We love our friends, but in a case like that, you want to hear some a bit negative things it's more interesting story yeah so so now you can tell me the rest of it okay i might do that off air this is frank skinner and absolute radio with with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text us on 8 12 15. You can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the Absolute website. Hmm. No. Well, I think we should go to emails. What about our readers? Do you want the jingle?

Yeah. OK, let's see what we've got. What about just for a change? What about one of your French ones? You're so good at French. Just for a change. Sing it. Hold up. Yeah, it's not accurate, but it's a lovely song.

How do you feel about that, Cockrell? That's fine. I've got a very wide casting bracket these days. Yeah. Oh, he's in spotlight. Did you get that from that hardware store? No, Frank, he's in spotlight now with hat, without hat. Oh, no. You know when they do that in the photo.

Yeah, with glasses, without glasses. On my CV it says kangaroo beard. Brilliant. Horse riding? Sword play. Horse riding, no. Sword play. Sword play? Horse riding, no. Sword play. Sword play.

Oh! Mm. Is it as yet unsheathed? Oh, no. No, it's sheathed is what it would be. Sheathed, yeah, yeah. Yeah, sorry, everyone. We'll do that again.

Live, you say? Oh, God. So, yeah, we're in email corner. OK, do you want to start? No, no. Don't know where to start. Exchange of moths. I haven't forgotten that.

OK, I'll start then. This is from Andy. He says, hi, Frank. We listened to your show in Perth, Australia, whilst having dinner. Now, I know it's early to interrupt, but do you think that means lunch or tea? Oh yeah There could be breakfast, dinner, tea

I'm not sure of the time difference No you're talking about the class difference here surely And when he says in Perth does he mean in post production? Yeah we'll fix that in Perth Yeah we'll have dinner in Perth That's not how I speak what I'd say is people are thinking what does he mean

you just said that people listening we knew what you look like me but tried to guess what Emily and Alan look like I love it when people hold back from googling so do I

it's such an honourable thing to do. Yeah, it really is. Emily looks like she sounds, whatever that means. No, I think you'll find that's good. Is that good? I don't like whatever that means, a bit Prince Charles. But Alan looks like a chimney sweep. What people look like the opposite of what they sound like?

That's from Andy. I'd say someone who doesn't sound the opposite of what she looks like is That's from Andy. I'd say someone who doesn't sound the opposite of what she looks like is Big Mo from EastEnders. Good point. If Big Mo had a radio show, I don't think anyone would see a picture of Big Mo and think, oh, blimey. You're so right.

I think she'd look like that. I think you make a good point, but I think you've moved past the email saying that I look like a chimney sweep too rapidly. You're too tall and light for a chimney. I'm six foot three-ish. Yeah, well, that must be handy if you're a sweep. You want to be stuck in a really confined space.

That's the same for 8.50 on another extension. Rod extension. Cockle saves money on those big ladders, doesn't he? He gets the little ones. Was he a rod extension what does that mean though have they googled me and found a publicity pic where I look like a chimney sweep

I look like a chimney sweep have you got any dirty publicity shots when you've got a really dirty face no I think you just look like you could be grateful for food scraps are they saying I look common no I think you look as lucky as lucky can be. Because do you know what's happened?

I'm going to show you this. I wear a flat cap reasonably. He's got props now. Can I say the cockerel is currently holding his flat cap. Can I say the cockerel's got into props now? The stitching on the flat cap is coming away. He's now exposed to you. Do you know what?

He's stitching at the peak, where the peak joins the body of the house. Exactly, Frank, exactly. Isn't that where a razor blade would go on Peaky Blinders? Oh. Oh. Maybe season two, Peaky Blinders, I could play a chimney sweep that has his own hat with a razor blade. I can see you in Peaky Blinders.

Yeah, I think I'd be good in it. I was talking with some friends this week about starting a new social network for homosexuals who aren't feeling that well called Peaky Grinder. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. I think people who don't look like they sound. OK, what about... Can I just do a quick, another one who looks like they sound? Yeah. What about Nancy DiLoglio? Yeah, she looks like she sounds, definitely.

She really couldn't look more like she sounded. A two-room dozen, Sir Bruce Forsyth. Oh, you're right, thanks. I always think, if you ever have watched Stiftly with the sound down for a period, he always looks like he should sound... HE SCREAMS HE SCREAMS HE SCREAMS

He looks like he should sound like that, and when you put it on, he doesn't. I tell you who else. I imagine at home when he relaxes. In rehearsals, I bet he's like that. Mm-hm. What about... You all right, Bruce?

Oh, it's a pterodactyl. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Pterodactyl, for a side. What's wrong with pterodactyls? Um, Robbie Savage, I've always thought he... Speak you not ill of the dead. Sounds.

Robbie Savage sounds like... He sounds quite effeminate and northern. He should be like Danny Dyer, I think. He should be an essex lad don't you think you know what the world would be fairer if danny dyer sounded yeah it would be just uh so so you're saying that because he sounds effeminate that doesn't that doesn't fit robbie savage's long dyed blonde hair look no because he looks a bit laddy. He looks a bit follow the bear, I think. Would you not agree?

He looks like he's being followed by the three bears. Saying what happened to our porridge. Anyway, let's do another email. We're in Kearney. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Alan mentioned on last week's show, I think it was a couple of weeks ago now. I mean last week, yeah.

Yeah, on last week's show. Or maybe I should do it in RP in case any casting directors are listening. That Spider-Man wouldn't be able to climb a building unless the other side of the Velcro was on the building. Oh. We were discussing Velcro and Spider-Man, weren't we? Yeah, as everyone does eventually. Velcro was on the building. Oh. We were discussing Velcro and Spider-Man, weren't we? Yeah.

As everyone does, eventually. Normal Velcro is made up of hook and loop. I think I said that. Yeah. Well, just in case you're in need of a new type of Velcro, we sell one called Free Magic. You don't need two sides. Can I stop you there? What?

Yeah. If you're selling it, should it be called Free Magic? Good point. See, I had this problem when I hired Nelson Mandela for an afternoon speech. Free? That's what I'd heard. For free, ten grand. Yeah, but we'll bring our own Versace shirt. Yes, exactly.

Yeah, not always appropriate for a black tie dinner, though, is it? No, but black and gold sun pattern. You know what you're getting. You've got to make allowances. Yeah, not always appropriate for a black tie dinner, though, is it? No, but black and gold sun pattern. You know what you're getting. You've got to make allowances. Yeah, diamond motif. Anyway, they sell one called Free Magic. You don't need two sides. Our one sticks to itself, so Spidey could climb any building

and not worry if the wrong side is attached to the building. A bit familiar, Spidey. I will be charging you for this, as I know you don't like freebies. Well, you don't. but you called it free magic. Yeah. Does this mean if I put this stuff on my clothing, I could climb a tall building? I think that's what he's saying. Yeah, good luck with that.

This is like on page 29 of the Sun today, it says giant meteor heading towards Earth. With the power of 29,000 nuclear bombs when it hits. That's on page 29, a single column. And that's what this is like. We can climb buildings and that is in the headline news. Yeah.

Doesn't make any sense. I'd love to climb large buildings. He says not only that. Think of the peeping Tom opportunities. Because people have a false sense of security when they're on the 11th floor. You could do window cleaning. I've no idea. That's a good idea.

Maybe I'll write a song about that. Yeah. Oh, I can see you as a window cleaner. Really? And me as a chimney sweep. There's a real close divide in this studio, isn't there? Yeah, exactly. And I can see you as an executive producer

on a popular daytime magazine programme. Someone's gone wrong here, hasn't he? Oh, my God. I reach for my mouse, then, to put the adverts on, and I grab my hot cup of tea. Oh. That was a really scary moment. Rollercoaster ride. Eh, that, you know when you reach for your mouse.

It's because we don't have a, there's no map for this map. Are you feeling all right? You know what you need to go on? We need a mouse catcher. I'd go on Peaky Grinders. Might be, well, let's get these on first. Okay. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

We were just to complete the email regarding the Velcro came from Andrew who added at the end, I also sell buttons and other fashion accessories all chargeable. It's nice he's not offering us, not even buttons. I know, but Frank's clamped down on that behaviour. No, but the fact that buttons is classed as a fashion accessory. Well, it's not the main thing, is it? It's a button. Oh, it depends on the button. Buttons, you know what, can I. Well, it's not the main thing, is it? It's a button. Oh, depends on the button.

Buttons, you know what? Can I give you a little trick of the trade? What you do is get a cheap item, take the buttons off, replace them with some expensive buttons. We do it all the time. Is that right? Yeah, because it's the buttons that will let the coat down often. The cheap buttons.

Yeah. There you go. That's free, that. That's good, that. Cute. Cute move. Cute as a button. Oh! So are buttonholes a fashion accessory?

Aha! Well, they are an accessory, aren't they? You mean the little flowers? But they're integral, surely, to the garment. I don't know. Oh, the holes. You don't mean the flower that goes in there. That's called a buttonhole, isn't it? No, I mean the holes. That's a bit I there. That's called a buttonhole, isn't it? No, I mean the holes. That's a bit I just met you on Peaky Grinders, isn't it? Buttonhole. I don't know.

Anyway. Anyway. No, I meant turn up with the carnation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are we moving on? Let's move on. As you know, I've been on Location, Location, Location. Oh, yes.

I'm the new phil spencer where were you on location kendall okay oh did you have any mc i did have a bit of kendall mint cake did you have did you have the chocolate covered mc kendall yeah my son my little boy uh cockerel junior six years old loves mint chocolate, so it was the easiest gift shopping I've ever done. Was he happy? Yeah, pretty happy. But, bit of a calamity, I've managed to nip home

a couple of times. So he's on his before-hite. And he likes mint and chocolate. Oh, when he gets to after-hites, he's going to be heavy. Maybe he's going to reverse the whole thing. I love it when they have chocolate and they run around like lunatics. So I've managed to knit back a couple of times during the last few weeks. First time...

Not for this show, I noticed. No, priorities. Yes. Knit back, got a fever. I was really well at four o'clock in the afternoon. I'd been feeling well at work previous to it. Bought wine, took it home, thinking, oh, here we go, night in. Here we go. Sounds a bit sleazy.

No, no, like for some wine, watching Breaking Bad or whatever, you know. Oh, Frank. Breaking Bad. Here we go, night in. Bought wine, it's like got mail. I got, I got, I got like a flu bug. I ended up lying on the couch like shivering and then trembling and sweating. It wasn't a flu bug. I'll just say that. If you get flu, you're immobilised for days. Yeah, I was immobilised for days. You couldn't eat

or anything? I had a new bicycle arrive and I didn't even ride it up the street and back. I'd left it, left it in the kitchen. A new bicycle? A new bicycle arrived and I didn't take it out. Anyway, then I went back again this weekend. Went back again this week, arrived. How many bicycles have you got? I'm going to take that one further. How many bicycles does a man need? Well,

apparently, the minimum number of bicycles, according to cycle fans on forums, is... What forums? Like cycling forums. Have a night in, bottle of wine. Apparently, the minimum number of bikes you need to cycle fans on forums, is... What forums? Like cycling forums. Have a night in, bottle of wine. The minimum number of bikes you need is three, and the maximum is the number you have at that time, plus one. So...

Oh, they're comedians. Yeah, it's one of the little funny things they say. You must have a big hole, eh? Well, I'm doing alright, you know. I'm in a sitcom. Anyway, got another bug this week. Turns out, I think I might be allergic to my family. Are you sure you're in a sitcom and you're not teaching in the primary school?

You're picking up a lot of mystery illnesses. Maybe it's because there's a crew and I'm used to it. Are you in casualty? You're not telling us. That would be a good one. Yeah, it could be that. There's just more people about. Absolute. Absol about. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, we're back at my gaps in my filming schedule. And I went home. My mum came across. She was going to babysit last Saturday night.

Me and my wife went out. But we were both tired and I just got the feeling, you know when you go out and you sort of think, I'm not sure either of us are in the mood for an evening. Yes, yeah. But you've got to babysit, so you sort of feel obliged. Oh, do you have to do it then? Yeah, oh definitely. It's a bit like sometimes when I open the fridge door

and I just look at the fridge and think, I don't really fancy any of this and I'll just have a cherry tomato, just put it straight in. That's never happened to me. Really? No. Yeah, I had that the other day. I thought to the work of opening the fridge door. What?

I opened the fridge and thought, I don't fancy any of this. I actually went, you know those plastic trays at the bottom? I actually had a look in there. Did you? I didn't know there was stuff in there. I thought they were painted on the inside. Oh, I've never done that. Vegetables, fruit. Did you eat any of it? No.

What about lemon? A baby bell. I'd have had a baby bell, probably. Anyway, I'm on my way out thinking, oh, we're going to have a bit of a doff night out here. We've got a babysitter, but we're only going through obligation. You don't have a Damien night out. We went into a bar and, for a a start they had a seven-inch DJ,

not a tiny little man playing seven inches vinyl. Oh. Like really good sort of moddy 60s music, mixing it up really nice. My stomach rumbled there. What was that noise? It was something I'd said. Everybody looked as if I'd swung. What were you doing?

Terrified there. This is like past the indigestion. He went like this. He sort of went... Short term. Yeah, my sounded like it was... I think it might have been a response to the anecdote. I'm sorry if it was. No, it sounded like the lunatics at Bedlam. Oh, nurse. Is that 7-inch vinyl? Yeah, he's playing good vinyl. Bought Mrs Cockerell and I a... Did you dance? No. Here's what happened. As we walked in, I thought, oh, this is good.

Everyone applauded. Was it like when Norm comes in in Cheers? Oh, that would be great, wouldn't it? When Sir John Gielgud comes in too, Joe Allens. Everyone stands and applauds. Is that true? Yeah. That never happened to me, but we walked in and a couple left who had

a couch like it's a bar that wasn't too busy. Oh perfect. Had a couch. I saw under the little coffee table- Handbag? A chess board. Oh! I thought he was going to say extra results you left a handbag.

Steve laughs So yeah, 300 quid innit? A chess board. I saw a chess board on a Saturday night out with the wife. On a Saturday night out, we sat in the bar. I tell you what, that's living all right. We had two slow drinks and we played chess. My wife doesn't play chess, I thrashed her.

No, I taught her, I taught her how to play chess. Because as we walked in, I went, oh, I've been playing chess on an app on my phone. On location, location, location. Yeah. And she said, oh, I don't know how to play chess. But it's testimony to her that she learned how to play chess when tired and grumpy at the start. Tremendous.

I don't think I could have done that playing backgammon. I don't know how to play backgammon. Also, no, I'd be a bit, what's the point? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? No one plays chess anymore. It's not like the old 50s when there were these big televised tournaments. No.

The world chess. No one plays chess anymore. Who cares about chess anymore? Cockerel over here is a trailblazer. I've been playing chess on an app. I'm loving it. I'm loving the chess. I'm not bothered for Scrabble. I remember it was my new year's resolution to learn to play chess.

I never did it. Was it really? Yeah. Well, you should download the app that I've got. I love the idea of... It's because I saw some men in Central Parks in at a chess table and they were, like, smoking cigarettes and playing chess in the sunshine.

It looked so lovely, but I know... I could do all of that except the smoking. Why did they stop becoming celebrities, chess players? Was it because of the computer? Or is this why? What do you mean? Well, celebrity... Chess players used to be celebrities.

Well, like Kasparov. Yeah, exactly. Bobby Fischer. Name me one now. Michael Short. So, isn't it? You just... We're bored. At least

with Chess, you need someone else to play and Kath, there's no way Kath would play. So that's the trouble with bored. I could get an app. What about Cold It? That's a good game. My favourite board games, I know when I'm asked, but I'm telling you them. Cold It, Cluedo and Trivial Pursuit 1988.

Oh, brilliant. I would say that mine was when I'm out with the S&M community and we play a lot of Dungeons and Dungeons. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

We're discussing me playing chess in the public house with my wife. We've had a text in from 838. Frank and Co, my great-grandfather, played the Russian chess champion approximately 1920. They played by post, three weeks per move. Oh. Ha-ha, it would try Emily's patience.

It would. Three weeks per move. That's the thing that draws me in about chess, is that people do stuff like that. That's really my kind of thing. Brilliant. I just can't... Imagine getting up on a morning, getting a letter that said... Letter from, yeah, from Russia.

Rook to E4 or whatever it is. Not the TV channel. You're talking about... Rook to E4? I don't live in E4 how dare you what are you talking about that's the Rutger Hauer film didn't you see it the one when there's the finger in the chips no it's called E4 he was doing the whole EastEnders thing

he was experimenting it didn't really work out very well when she said is it a she or a he doesn't say it's 838 that's all you need to know 838 said to Frank and Co. Which obviously sounds like the new Jewish Frankenstein

series. I saw, it wasn't about celebrity spots, I saw Lord Co. Just by Piccadilly Circus. Did you? You didn't do pedestrian racing, did you? No, that would have been a mistake, wouldn't it? No, I albert was walking

just behind him he he's very tan lord co is he i tell you what he's quite a looker i tell you what he was in great shape he's kept his figure he kind of forgot that he was an athlete i believe he's a judoka he does the judo doesn't he does he yeah yeah oh thank god thank god that's what you meant i'm relieved as well oh dear I thought that was some terrible anyway street talk I wasn't familiar with and I thought

I didn't talk to him in the end but I thought wouldn't it be great to say oh fantastic Lord Coe and not mention the Olympics I'd have been so proud of myself I'd have loved it if you just talked about the races in the 80s. Yeah, but then I thought, I don't have enough at my fingertips. I remember him getting the 400 gold,

having failed in the 800 gold. I think that was why. But you see, then I don't think it was 400. I think he got 800 and failed at 1500. And it's this uncertainty which meant that I couldn't talk to him about that. I thought, well, I've always got as a fallback the Bermuda Triangle. Or the hovercraft. Yeah.

But if I'd have gone on to him and I said, flight 19, I mean, six planes, it's too much of a coincidence. I think it would have, you know, you've got to get, there's got to be a ramp. But I would have liked to have spoke to him. But I was determined, no Olympics. Even he, even though to have spoke to him but i was determined no olympics i must even he even though everyone who speaks and will say yeah thank god for you i think though eda brought it up if i'd have said that bermuda triangle was a terrible thing wasn't it and he just said yeah many people had to cross it when they flew to the olympics yeah he would have had to get it in it

would be like that's his day of the triffids. Let's be honest. Everyone's got one. And I'd have said, oh, sorry, I didn't catch the Olympics. I had a Merlin box set. Pass me by the Olympics. He'd have been absolutely outraged. Anyway, that was my celebrity spot. I think it's a goodie.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Just beforener on Absolute Radio. Just before we continue, I've got a slight correction for you. Correction? Correction, yeah, which I mispronounced. We've had a couple of people text or email about this. You know earlier on when you were doing your little Arsene Wenger improvisation?

Oh, that wasn't patronising. Your little Arsene Wenger improvisation? Oh, that wasn't patronising. That's what we call it. Your little Arsene Wenger. I made a mistake, didn't I? Hi, Frank and the gang. I love your show. I listen every week, but I felt compelled to write in and say that pomme de terre is potato in French, which would be quite unpleasant to eat raw.

I thought you'd done that on purpose. I really did. No, but Arsene Wenger, that's the ordered potato. That's a terrible mix-up. Because the South African waiter didn't speak French. He did know palm. So he brought the apple. He didn't know palm?

He knew palm. That was the one word he knew in French. Okay. Okay. Is that sorted? No, you're quite right. I made a mistake. I own up.

I'm holding my right hand now like a baseball player who's been over physical. Sorry, basketball player. Basketball players have to acknowledge they're foul, don't they? Oh, do they? Not that they're foul, that they have fouled. They foul someone. I believe that's true. It's certainly true when I was at Albury Technical School in the 1960s and 70s.

Like a snooker player announcing that they're sort of slightly touching. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that they were touching cloth. They claim not to be. You know when you leave brown on the bottom cushion. That is absolutely disgusting. Sorry, everyone.

What is wrong with you people? What about Mace, who says, I saw Joe Swash in a laundrette and Angel. That's all I'm saying. I love that image. Iash in a laundrette and angel. That's all I'm saying. I love that image. Yeah. Why was he in a laundrette? Would it be Barber's Adagio for strings

that you'd want to play over that? Why was he in a laundrette? He was probably doing his washing. Why doesn't he have a washing machine? Yeah, why doesn't he have a swashing machine? Eh? That's what he should invent, the swashing machine. I thought all celebrities had washing machines.

Imagine if the swashing machine, as it slows down, it's a map of London, I've seen. Starts playing the EastEnders music. Do you think he has actually got a washing machine at home, but he'd just been in EastEnders that long, he'd got used to saying, I'm just going to pop down the laundry. Oh, now some forlorn search for dot cotton. If anyone has been intimate with Joe Swash, could you text in and tell us if he's got

a washing machine? Yeah. Is it legal to inquire about Joe Swash's white goods on commercial radio? Is that a euphemism? No. What do you mean? Talk about mine every week. Yes.

What about, I'm going to call them your lot, because they're your neighbours, the House of Commons, the HFC. Oh, yes. They're your lot. Did you see, there was that minister, I think she's the Equalities Minister. She is the Equalities Minister.

I wanted to raise this, as the lady of the group, I didn't feel you two would, so I felt I should. Her name was Jo Swimson, not Jo, she should get together with Jo Swash. She should, she should bring the Swimson. She's the new washing machine. The swimsuit. What about that? It's a bit late for that, because she's seven months gone.

And this was the problem. It was Prime Minister's Question Time. Oh, yes, yes. Did you see this? She was forced to stand. No one gave their seat up. Now, I'm not going to tell you what I think. I would like to hear what the cockerel says,

and then Frank Skinner. Well, you see, this is it with the equality thing. I mean, no one stands up for Eric Pickles. So I suppose it's the same... Cockerel? I don't believe that no one stood up for her, I think. Well, they're always standing up in Prime Minister's Question Time. Every time somebody speaks, they stand up.

It's like being Bruno Tognoli. They can't speak sitting down. He can't combine sitting and speaking. He'd be in a call centre. Oh, God. Oh, he's up again. Yeah, so there's always people standing. She should have jumped in quickly and then sat on a lap.

She should have. That would have been brilliant. Oh, that would have been awful. What did you say, Cockrell? I thought that she'd only attended the thing for about 40 minutes. She'd arrived late, so was standing at the back, so they didn't know that there was a pregnant woman behind them. And also, she was going to leave early anyway,

so she was fine standing. I thought there was no... This stinks of excuses to me. I think we all know which side you fall on. Well, hold on a minute. They asked her official spokesperson, when asked whether she thought it was wrong that they didn't stand for her, said,

Sexist. Why should they stand for her? She's got two perfectly good legs. Well, that's, yeah. They said she's pregnant, not incapacitated. I don't know if you can say she's got good legs sexist did you say she's got perfectly nice pair of pins i did not say that god no she's got ankles like space hoppers at the moment yeah i um yeah she did say a lot of that though she said if i wanted to sat down i would have i would have asked i've seen her on Question Time. I think she's capable of being direct enough to say,

can I have a seat, please? I'm pregnant. I think... What? I know you're all desperate to know. Well, why don't we hold it? Because I want to know what you think. You're a woman whose opinion I hang up on.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us at 8.12.15, follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email us through the Absolute Radio website. I'm a bit bunged up. You are a bit darling, aren't you?

I had a good nose blow during my last visit to the toilet, which is precarious when you've got a beard. Yeah, I can imagine. I wasn't going to mention it. It's like the worry of peppering teeth. But you look like an arctic explorer. Well, thank you. Just had a lovely

story from the Cockerels. I'll bring it. we can't tell it. It was a member of a chess club run by the janitor. Yeah, the school. It sounds like the pilot of Hong Kong Fooey. I used to go back and teach the moves to my brother, so we both knew how to play chess with him. Well, when I went to...

He spread the love. When I went to the Kung Fu class that he did, moves to my brother, so we both are able to play chess with him. He spread the love. When I went to the Kung Fu class that he did, Henry the Janitor, I used to come out and teach my brothers the moves from that. And now you're all Kung Fu masters. Yeah, now we carry hot coals in a thing that burns dragons onto our

forearms. Oh, that's good. Actually, I don't anymore. I gave it up about two years ago. You stopped the hot coal thing. I gave it up about two years ago. You stopped the hot coal thing. I like the sound of your brother. We all know very well your brother's R. Keith and he lives in the Midlands area. Yeah, but he's a lethal grandmaster at the Kung Fu.

Anyway. This is like when you lied about having another sister or something. No, what I had, Trish. Yeah, oh, Trish. Yeah. Frank made up a sister. Well, you know. And you had a sister.

I know, but my mate had a little sister. And I thought, oh, I'd be quite good to have a little sister. So I invented one. It's a bit Norman Bates. Yeah, it was a bit. On the subject of the chest. Except I didn't have a skeleton in a rocking chair. I don't want anyone to think that.

We did have a text in a rocking chair. I don't want anyone to think that. We did have a text in from 540. Love chess, won trophies as a child, played a grandmaster in Cambodia. He played 12 people at the same time and thrashed all of us. P.S. I am a girl. I love that girl. I like P.S. I am a girl.

Something I often say at the end of a date. An internet date. I, um... Something I often say at the end of a date. An internet date. Yeah, see, I saw a man in Toronto playing street chess. He was like a challenge. You had to go and try and take him on. Oh, yeah. And the people playing him were all people that you wouldn't maybe normally associate. Like, you know, cute young girls and...

Hipsters. Very cool dudes. Like, you know, cool black guys in baseball caps. Cooler than Scrabble. Yes, yeah, everybody. And they weren't all, like, you know, you're nerdy. There was, like, some jocks playing and stuff, yeah.

I don't mean Scottish people, I mean muscular young men. People wearing those tartan hats. I would never say, oh, there's some jocks. I would never say that. Some Ge jocks i would never say geordies yeah you're still waiting no there was no geordies no you've been ridiculous we are still on the uh still waiting to hear my opinion on whether i think they should have given their seat okay what do you think swanson i'll tell you what i think i'm a feminist albeit one with very nice hair what i do think is that I don't think you have to offer us seats, but good luck getting a date with us.

So what I would say is we will always go for the seat offerers. Is that true? What it's to do with is you don't have to do it. We don't care. Knock yourself out. You sit there. We'll stand in the heels and with the children. What I would say is we'll look upon you much more kindly

and we'll find you more attractive if you offer us the seat yeah i don't often uh try to chat up women who are seven and a half months pregnant that's not what i heard well there was that was one occasion and to be fair it was a video but um mine got but i i think i would have been frightened to offer this woman my seat. She sounds like a very aggressive feminist. Do you think so? And this happened to me when I worked in a college of further education. It's as one of the women in my department, who I knew well,

who was a very fervent feminist, was coming in with a big pile of books. And I opened the door for her and she went shut the door and I thought oh what is there a fire I shut the door and then she sort of squeezed through it struggled through it backwards with the books because she wanted to open the door for her

I wish there was a punchline but the only ones I can think of are a little bit sexist yeah you're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio But the only ones I can think of are a little bit sexist. Yeah. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I tend to stand up for hooded youths. Do you? I always think if you stand up, give up your seat to a hooded youth,

that if you're approached by a pack of hooded youths in the future, it might be like Andrew Cleese and the lion, when he pulled a thorn out of a lion's paw, and then sometime later a pack of lions attacked him, and this lion protected him because of what he'd done. I think you might be overthinking it. How would it be if you stood up for something? Say if there was a bloke, say 35,

you just stood up and said, do you want my seat? How would that go down? That would be really weird. We were trying that just to see, wouldn't they get really offended by it? Do you want my seat, mate? Yeah, possibly. Tell you what, I mostly stand up for old people or women or people that I think need the seat more than I.

But there is an exception. When the tube is absolutely packed and I'm already sat down. You think, forget it. Well, I do to an extent, yeah, because for me to stand up and take up that standing room, I take up so much space that I'm actually inconvenient

in the middle of a packed train. So you're actually being altruistic. By just staying put and reading my book, yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, because I sometimes think people are looking at me thinking, he's got a seat. But your space is mainly upwards. No one else is taking up that. I've got a bag and I'm sort of like, oh, did you mention the bag?

Now we're getting extra information. I'm a big human. I'm a big beefcake. You are. I can't do my make-up standing up, so that's why I have to be seated. That goes through me when people do their make-up on the tube. I think you can have an eye out, Will. Yeah, well, it's fine. I won't be going back with you for the night, so don't worry about it.

Shall we move on to the next email, please? Okay. Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. Surely he can't still be filming. My colleagues and I cannot suss out what the word suss is short for or is it a word in itself or is it just a slang term does the listenership or yourselves have any ideas i refuse to google and it's really bugging me that's from sam herbert's 23 years old in essex well first of, respect for not Googling.

That's very fine. Sorry, I'm a bit bonkers. I always think Google should be a last resort. I do. A bit like ITV. But it is all right to Google if you don't know. My rule has always been if you don't remember, don't Google. Try and drag it up. But I don't know.

I would have thought I could be completely wrong. Suspenders? No, sozzies. She's wearing sozzies. Oh, my God. Oh, it's very Jim Davidson. She's wearing sozzies. Oh, my God.

Oh, it's very Jim Davidson. Is it from... You know, in court, when somebody says, objection sustained, sustained as in sort of established. Oh, that's good. Is it like, I can't suss it? I can't suss. I assumed it was more like suspected.

Yeah, yeah, I suspected. I cannot suspect now. I couldn't suss it out. I'll bet Sandy Warner's. Oh, I suspected, yeah. I cannot suspect now. People say, I can't, I couldn't suss it out. I'll bet Sandy Warner does. Oh, I bet she does. She knows everything. Okay. Or we haven't sold it.

Sustain. Can I also say that? Sustain, by the way. Can I also say that sustain is what Gareth Gates puts vanish on? Sorry, everyone. It's signed, this email email by Sam Herbert Essex Which is the sort of thing Mickey Flanagan would say About someone he didn't know the name of

And thought stupid from Essex Sam Herbert Essex Oh Sam Herbert That's exactly how he describes it If I was Sam Herbert I'd move to somewhere called Fountain And then I'd be S. Herbert Fountain, and then I'd be S. Herbert Fountain. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We're back in email corner, aren't we, ladies and gents?

Go on. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, long-time podcast listener, first-time contributor, etc., no praise for you as stipulated in the reader's rules. I came across this Easter egg in Google Maps and needed to ensure Frank and all Whovians were aware. Oh, God. Can I fess up here that I don't really know what an Easter egg is? No, do I.

I've heard this phrase used. I haven't. It's like a little digital present in something. Oh, is that right? For example, on a DVD release, you might have a particular code that you could put in, you know, fast forward this, that and the other, and you can find like a little extra thing in there, I believe.

So it's an unexpected gift? I think so, yeah. Or an anomaly in a digital forum, I guess. Perhaps I should say, ooh, kinder. I came across this Easter egg in Google Maps and needed to ensure Frank and all Whovians were aware. I realise you are boycotting this multinational tax avoider, but I felt you needed to know this.

Don't shoot the messenger. That's what I told Ian Wright when he was doing live from Studio 5. Searching for police telephone box. I said put that weapon down. If you take that in, there's going to be an incident. Sorry, carry on. Searching for police telephone box

in Google Maps will lead you to a police telephone box in Earl's Court. Entering Street View will show you the interior of the TARDIS from Doctor Who. Shut up. Well, which circa when? Yeah, exactly, which TARDIS? Well, there's only one TARDIS, but the interior has changed.

Well, there's only one TARDIS. I don't want to see that. Do they upgrade the interior? There's several TARDI, or there were. I don't know what the time was. Oh, I've got bored of seeing bits from the Tardis at the dinner party. But yeah, the interior's changed dramatically. Right.

What, do you think they go to Heels or Ikea? You never quite know what's happened to the interior this time. There's some old bloke called Jeff working in props who's been there 40 years and he'll be at one of my parents' dinner parties. I know, Jeff. I know, because someone gave I swear, honestly, this is true. It was a Boxing Day lunch we went to with some of my parents' dinner parties. I know, do you? I know, because someone gave... I swear, honestly, this is true.

It was a Boxing Day lunch we went to with some of my parents' friends. My mum said, I love the table decorations. And she said, oh, do you like them? They're from Vicar of Dibley. 100% true. Maybe that's a shop. Like past times. So, anyway, there's an interior of the TARDIS from Doctor Who.

They should probably be spending their time and effort on something a bit more constructive, but fun is fun. Peace and love to all Adam, brackets, not a Whovian. He's not a Whovian. I'm warning you with peace and love. I'm warning you with peace and love. What was the date? The 29th of October? Whatever, something like that.

I will sign, no, and if it's got that date on, it will be burnt. Peace and love, peace and love, peace and love. I don't know if people know what we're referring to now. It was Ringo Starr saying he wasn't going to sign any more autographs. I know. Yeah. Anyway, Adam is not a Whovian. Can I just say that as this show has gone out,

I've listened to the podcast, but as this show has gone out the last couple of weeks, I've probably heard ten minutes live, and both of those five minute spurts have been you and Steve discussing in great detail. They've gone too far now, you see. They've gone too far. Steve Easter eggs

me on. I know. He does though. I'm alright, but Steve's got no restraints. He brought up Dick Fiddy. We ended up talking about someone called Dick Fiddy. I never thought I'd come... What? We ended up talking about someone called Dick Fiddy. I actually zoned out. I mean, I'm a professional working on a radio set.

I don't know what they were talking about. Can I say Dick Fiddy's a very lovely man, but I don't know quite why Steve brought him up. That's all they talk about, Dick Fiddy. He's no stopping him. Yeah, so don't blame me. He's a bad influence, a bad... It's rare I can rejoin a group

And make it somehow cooler But evidently This is what's happened Me and Steve, we'll have to talk after here This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Frank, you should know What an easter egg is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Paratext from 861. Frank, you should know what an Easter egg is.

It's an integral part of a Doctor Who episode, the one with the Weeping Angel statues. Even I've heard of that one. Yes, I tell you what, it's the first one, it's Blink, and it's where they find the Tenth Doctor. He's on those videos. I'm so glad I read that email out. Yeah.

And he appears and he reads the script that was given to him later and he's gone back in time. This is awful. Oh, that's, yeah, that isn't easy. Do you get it now? Yes. That sounds like one of the most alright episodes. Thing is, isn't it? Carrie Mulligan's in it.

Is she? Right. Must have been a slow week. Brilliant. What about... Oh, come on. Molly guns in it is she right must have been a slow week when that text came in Frank you should know what an Easter egg is I honestly thought it was gonna carry on you are a Catholic funny our words change their meanings of time isn't it I tell you what we haven't discussed. Old Mar Murray down at the Palace. Old Mar Murray.

Andy Murray got his OB this week. No, can I ask you a question before we go any further? Surely you should have got a knighthood for winning Wimbledon. You're absolutely right. People have got knighthoods for winning in rugby. People have got knighthoods for doing an ITV light entertainment show. No, but if you win anything big in sport, you're getting a knighthood, isn't that the thing?

I would have thought so. Yeah. He is, he is definitely very good at tennis now. Yeah. Anyway, I, I hold the front page. That's my opinion. Yeah. He said he was in the middle of a drugs test.

What? When, when, uh, that's what he tweeted. Oh, yeah, I did. Because they do random drugs tests, don't they? Yeah, but I thought they did them at events. I didn't know they'd come and knocked on your door and said we're going to do a drug test. No, they do it throughout the year, apparently. I wish they did that in television.

I'd have the place to myself. Wish they'd done that with Lance Armstrong. They drug tested him for an RBE. Really? The palace of God. So he didn't go in and go berserk. did you see the pictures of him the the royal whoever it is in this case it was prince william oh yeah oh every time i see prince william not full of how much percentage did it reduce his looks by on his wedding day the bald head

um was it 18 yeah 18 it ruined it for you the day um but on a step of course he's hoping the other person won't even be aware of it but it so they stand on the steps and they are always taller than the person they're giving the thing to peter crouch has got no chance of ever getting... Never. No. But, yes, I looked... I didn't... One reassuring thing, and this is often true of sports people, oh, yeah, he's a big sports star, I look better in a suit than Andy Murray. Yes, I think that's true. He's got an overlong...

He should have gone in a track suit. Overlong trousers. He's so used to wearing shorts, he had no idea where to estimate the end of them. I agree with you 100%. And controversially, I do. So used to wearing shorts, he had no idea where to estimate the end of them. I agree with you 100%. You'd think he'd have stuff for that. And controversially, I think Kim, who normally doesn't put a foot wrong sartorially...

Kim Sears? Yes. She went for Matthew Williamson, big fan of his work. Do you know Kim Sears? No, but thanks for the tip. No, thanks for the tip. What I would say is,

don't team white and black with a black tie. Black tie was a bit opening credits of the bill. Oh. I didn't like that black tie. It killed it. Yes. Sorry, it's just my fashion offering there. Some people might like that, though.

You know, it's not all black and white, is it? Oh! Oh, of course it is. Well, um, Judy. Judy! Mama Morrie wore green and purple, the Wimbledon colours. Oh, you're right, Frank. That's like if, you know, when I won a Sony Award all those years back,

I know it turned up in absolute purple. It was. It was. I don't know. That can't have been accidental. I was impressed by that. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. We need to talk about a book that's coming out by Greg Pembroke, who's a guy who began as an internet sensation. I've never seen anyone say that with such absolute contempt. An internet sensation. It's called Reasons My Son Is Crying, presumably to be followed up by Reasons My Son Is In Therapy,

Reasons My Son Hates Me. Yes. This chap has started putting online, like, oh, he's crying because he asked me to put butter on his rice. Oh, yes, I'm familiar with this. And then I put butter on his rice and he cried. He's crying because I stuck the stickers he wanted

stuck on his face, on his face. Yeah, exactly. Things like that. Exactly, that sort of thing. My reasons are slightly more different. Mine was she's crying because she's seven years old and we've made her stay up late at dinner party and talk to Malcolm Muggeridge.

That's why I was crying. Yeah. I don't know if that's a book that that many people are going to be able to identify with. Yeah. I don't know if that's a book that that many people are going to be able to identify with. Yeah. I'd read it, can I say that? I know. I know you would, and that's why I love you. Malcolm Muggeridge, yeah? Yeah.

Anyway. Good Catholic. Yeah. Well, there's lots of rows. Yes, well, I often think, you know, hey, my child's crying, where's my camera? Yeah. I think, all humanitarian, hold it right there, right, smart, no, sorry, I often think, you know, hey, my child's crying, where's my camera? Yeah. I think all humanitarian, hold it right there, right, smile, no, sorry, I mean cry. Yeah.

I find that a bit, what do you say, by the way, you know when you say cheese? Yeah. When you have to look like you're smiling. Oh, yeah. What do you say when you cry? If you have to look like you're crying. I don't know, what? Onion.

And lost cheese and onion are in that eternal cosmic balance. Wow. That's why somebody instinctively put them on the same crisp, because they're two sides of the same kind of joy and sorrow. I think the idea behind the book there... I can fancy some crisps, that. I'm not being rude, but children do cry a lot. They do.

And so it's not like taking a photograph of a crying adult. I mean, children cry 100 times a day. That's pretty much all they do. So I think it's not like taking a photograph of a crying adult. I mean, children cry 100 times a day. That's pretty much all they do. So I think it's fair enough. I don't think that's quite true. Oh, they cry a lot, Frank. Well, they cry more than some adults. They cry more than most adults, I would say.

I find a lot of people I've been out with seem to cry all the time. Maybe that's... Well, I... I just feel as... Have you cried over something odd, though? Have I? Yeah. Well, I cried when Will Smith found his wife again in Independence Day.

Did you? Yeah. I cried... I mean, I think we all did, when Mary Beth had her child in Cagney and Lacey do you remember that one when they confined Harvey? Au contraire my friend yeah and Harvey

said you did it Mary Beth and she said we did it Harvey I'm welling up even hearing it I cried when I was nine and I met Shawoddy Woddy and I cried after they left this is true because I thought I'll never meet them again and I'll never mix in such high-status circles again.

Yeah? How wrong I was. Well, I don't know, did you meet them again? Did you meet Dave Bartram? I didn't. Or Romeo Challenger? I, er... I cry watching telly and films and that sort of stuff.

Do you? Yeah, yeah. Real, what do you mean? Yeah. But in real life, I don't... The thing that makes me want... You know that sort of moment as an adult where you suddenly feel like, oh, my God, I'm a child and I feel upset?

Yeah. For me, DIY brings that out in me. Really? Does it? Yeah. You know that moment when someone says, oh, we need to get this sofa up the stairs, for me DIY brings that out in me does it? you know that moment when someone says we need to get this sofa up the stairs but the banister's there is it going to fit through?

I just could immediately sob at the idea of trying to do that because I hate it so much it's such a grown up thing to have to deal with if I was a removal man I don't know why Disney hasn't cashed in in his full-length cartoons. It's all, you know,

deer getting shot and stuff like that. Why not a sofa moving upstairs? Maybe next time. You'd have thought, you can't believe he missed that opportunity in Bedknobs and Broomsticks. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We'vener on Absolute Radio.

We've had a text in, Frank, quote, deer getting shot, unquote, and no deer hunter music. Please write this considerable wrong from Harry. Yes, I did. I mentioned the killing of Bambi's mother and didn't...

I love that Sex Pistols album. At least it was a quick death. Frank, there's an email I need to share with you. Dear Frank, now that we're going to Brazil next summer... Oh, yeah. Will you be teaming up with David Baddiel to record your excellent podcasts again? I, for one, hope so.

Good memories of the Britishers, Dodge Calibers, ukuleles and Vuvuzelas. Come on, make it happen. Cheers, Nick. Says Nick, but so clearly from my manager. I don't know. What's happening about that? Well, I hope you are doing it.

I've got my Brazilian planned. Well, that'll be hard not to crack. So, I don't know if we're going to do anything for the World Cup That's awkward, I wish I hadn't read out I haven't looked into it The best place to air it as a discussion

is on air isn't it I think there's enough of that I think negotiations for projects are often better than the projects. Oh, yeah? Yeah, so they'd make a good, you know, reality TV in which Joe Pasquale decides to bring back The Sky's the Limit, the old quiz show,

and then just not do the show, just have all the negotiations filmed. I like the idea of someone talking money at the highest level in a really squeaky voice. Well, they would be talking money at the highest level. You don't. He speaks very highly of you. So, the answer is, I don't know

the answer. What about that? I could Google it, but I feel that would be inappropriate. So, anyway, look, on that, we could Google it, but I feel that would be inappropriate. So, anyway, look, on that, we've left it open-ended. It's like a phrase from Wagner. It hasn't completed. It's left us in the

air somewhere, and that's always a good thing, I think, because life doesn't complete. And, you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

Absolute Radio.