The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Celebrity Dislikes

Episode Date: December 17, 2011

This week, Frank reveals his celebrity dislikes, Alun finds himself using retro language and Emily shares her Christmas curveballs.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! I'm feeling, uh, feeling pretty Christmassy at the moment.

Good. Yeah, it's hit me quite early. Has it? Yeah, but I'm loving it. I'm looking forward to the night. You've unwrapped your golden bell. How dare you tell anyone that? Yes, I've been bought...

Sara, who works on the show, has bought us all a golden chocolate bell. A.K.A. the Poisoner, just saying. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you can't. You couldn't get anything into a golden chocolate bell. A.K.A. the Poisoner, just saying. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you can't. You couldn't get anything into a lint golden bell, surely. Maybe a syringe. So, there is the syringe.

Do you remember the man who put mercury into oranges in one of the supermarkets? Went around, he had mercury in his hypodermic... No, I remember there being a Mars bar poisoner one year, but I can't remember... The Mars bar poisoner? How did he get through the sales wrapper? I like the polonium poisoner, but

that's just me. The what? Polonium poisoner. What's polonium? Oh, it's a deadly substance. It was a Russian spy incident. Oh, is this the dude that did... Oh, that one, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sushi one. I love a bit of poison and nostalgia. What a great way to start the Christmas show.

If you want to text us about anything, including poisoners, we're on 81215. What else? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to have a game. Do you know Commonwealth Roulette? Do you ever play that?

No. Just before the Queen's speech, you all have a bet on how many times she's going to say Commonwealth. All right. Put your money on it. I'm going for four this year. I'm going for the big one.

All right. Yeah. I don't know. I've never known her do more than four, but three she'll hit on a regular basis. Right. She's the only person who knows or even cares about the Commonwealth anymore, so I always look forward to it.

I don't think people from the Commonwealth. I suppose we're from the Commonwealth. Why do we care about it? Okay. We sure are. Thanks, Ben Elton. We're going to be a little bit political. So,

yeah, I was driving through Waterloo the other day, which is in London. Not the... I don't know where the original Waterloo is, where the battle was. I don't know. One feels it should be France, but it probably isn't. Yeah, I don't know where the original Waterloo is, where the battle was. I don't know. One feels it should be France, but it probably isn't. Yeah, I wanted to say France, but I thought it was that foolhardy.

It'd be one of those you think, well, that should be, then you'll find it somewhere. I'll bet someone will let us know. Oh, God, you can bet on that. And I saw the girl with the dragon tattoo poster. Oh, yeah. No desire to see that whatsoever. I saw the girl with the dragon tattoo poster. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. No desire to see that whatsoever. Before you said poster, I thought you meant pedestrian.

No, I saw the girl with the dragon tattoo poster, which is a massive poster, with a lady on it, who I didn't know, and Daniel Craig. Yes. Oh, yeah. The blonde Bond. And I said to the person in the car oh i i can't stand daniel craig and they said really why not and i thought well actually it's a good question why don't i like daniel craig and then i remembered that he um he goes out with rachel vice he's married her has he married her with Rachel Weisz. He's married her.

Has he married her? With some decorum. They did it quite discreetly. Didn't they? You sound disapproving, Cockrell. No, no. You're showing me his lifestyle. I am approving.

It's quite the opposite. And he... And I don't know if you remember, regular listeners might remember, she took my cleaner away. My cleaner left me because Rachel Weisz offered her extra hours. Oh, that happened to me the other week. It was awful. Yeah, it's... How many hours are you doing for her now?

No, it's a terrible thing. And then I think what I sort of assumed, it coincided with the Daniel Craig relationship, so I just think he's messier. Oh, right. So as a result of his untidiness around the house, I lost my cleaner. I never knew this story about you.

Yeah, and I never realised how that's really hit hard. I've always thought he's a very serious character. Yes. And it seems to me that Rachel needs fun in her life. You know what I'm saying? If that's the case, she's backed the wrong horse quite quite seriously she's married him yeah she has back the wrong girl if i went out with her every morning i would i would start the day by going rachel vice rachel vice every morning you greet me Every morning I would do that.

And yeah, it's hard to have it scrapped up on me, that dislike for him. Because he hasn't really done anything. I suspect she's got her hands very full with him. Do you think so? He just seems like he'd be... He'd be listening on those photos in one of those trunks. No, he seems like he'd be quite particular

about how his colognes are laid out. I think, yes. He seems the type. I bet he's got a super neat wardrobe. You know he's not really Bond, though, he's an actor. No, but I bet he's a man who brings his gadgets home, if you know what I'm saying. I didn't even go and see him in Cowboys and Aliens. I mean, that's two of my favourite things in the whole world for a film to be about, is Cowboys and Aliens, and I still didn't go because Daniel Craig.

It's like if there was a film called piccalillion jesus you know things i love and uh i still didn't go then it's it's it's sad really absolute radio frank skimmer creep with radio no it wasn't creep with radio, it was radio with creep. I just... Frank has eaten some of his chocolate bell and has got a bit of a blood sugar rush. Oh, exactly. So I think it's affected his concentration. It is a bit of a... I'm about to crack open the After 8. It is After 8.

It is After 8. Yeah, then I'm supposed to be... There's no PM on that box. No, I'm just... These are called After 8 Pete Doherty specials, which means you have them after 8am because you've been out partying all night. Which I was. Well, not all night.

Bit of comedy awards action. That's all you're going to hear about it. Frank, we've had a... Well, there's some awards last time. There's the comedy awards. That passed me by completely. Sorry, you were saying? I like that I'm the only non-comic and I was the only one there.

Oh, you like that, do you? Yes, I do. You know what I like? What? I don't know. Radio? Not Daniel Craig. You love radio.

You love radio. Yeah, not Daniel Craig, no, that's quite right. Frank, we were talking about who's your fave poisoner or what's your fave form of poisoning. I don't think we said who's your fave. We said, is there anything about poisoning? That's anything that's your fave poisoner or what's your fave form of poisoning. I don't think we said who's your fave. We said if there's anything about poisoning, if there's anything about your favourite poison, that could be a very strange texting indeed. Actually, I like it. Let's do it.

540. He was ex-KGB fellow Alexander Litvinenko. This is the Polonium chap. Polonium B2 is a highly radioactive isotope. Merry Christmas. Lovely. You see, he was a bit standard. Didn't he put it in sushi or something?

I liked it. Was it an Albanian man who had a small ball bearing in the end of the umbrella? Do you remember that poisoning? No, that was some film you saw. No, no, it was a real incident. They were walking, I think, through London, and he bodged this bloke in the leg with his umbrella. Did he?

And the bloke thought, well, that's a bit sore. That's going to scab over. And he was dead within... Are you sure this is... Yeah, I'm sure that, again... It sounds like a John le Carré novel. No, I'm sure it's true. I mean, perhaps I'm at that stage in my life

where fact and fiction have merged into one. But I don't think... I'm pretty sure that... I'm sure that's true. I remember seeing a picture of the tiny ball bearing with holes in it to do a time release to poison I'm sure that's true. I remember seeing a picture of the tiny ball bearing with holes in it to do a time release to poison. Oh, that's good, isn't it?

Very clever. Frank, we've also had a query in. You were talking about how you'd gone off Daniel Craig. Mm. And a vet in West Brom says, who do you loathe the most, Frank, Daniel Craig or Sir Bob? Sir Bob. OK.

Cleared that up then. No, what I was on about, I mean, it's not very rational, my dislike of Daniel Craig, whereas... Sir Bob stole Frank's popcorn in case anyone is unwell. Don't bring that up. OK. He didn't, he tried to. Yeah, he tried to.

I fended him off. I don't think he was off to give it to the third world, let's put it that way. But Mick Hockner was another bloke who, you know, I had no feelings about him either way. And then I was sitting on the same table as him at Shelby's event and I was singing a hymn. Do you know that one of Rich's,, he not, nor man's empty praise? No. I sang it all the way through the Comedy Awards.

It was on the telly last night. But I was singing that, and he said, Oh, I'm thinking of using that tune in an album, using that and messing about with it. I said, No, you weren't. I said, I've just sang that, and now you've had that idea, and now you're claiming it's an idea that you already had a gig. Some may say confrontational, but it just struck me that way.

And he gave me a real... It's hard to tell when he's giving you a sour look. But he did. He looks like... You know that game that you play on... Is it Bonfire that when you go apple docking, apple bobbing? It looks like he's done that in a chip shop in the deep fat fryer.

Conversely though, great hair. It's red. Frank, I too turn... Has he got great hair now? No, I was being very unpleasant. Frank, I sometimes turn against a celebrity. As you know. Yes, but I think if you've been out with them, it's all right. No, I can turn against a celebrity. As you know.

Yes, but I think if you've been out with them, it's all right. No, I can't discuss that without legal representation. Of course not. But let's say more in everyday life. I once turned against Eric Bristow. Oh, the crafty cockney. Yeah. I was at the World Darts Championships.

For our younger listeners, yeah, he's a dart player. I was at the World Darts Championships I was at the World Darts Championships in Alexandra Palace were you? yes I did go I watched Phil the Power Taylor big fan of his Eric Bristow

you still seem to be really into the world this is like Marie Antoinette having a dairy behind the Palace of Versailles so she could be with the people how did this occur? I like darts sometimes you love the Irish don't you? behind the Palace of Versailles so she could be with the people. How did this occur? I like darts sometimes. You love the arrows, don't you? You love the arrows.

I love the arrows. Okay, fair enough. A few pints? No, what I noticed at the World Darts Championship, you can't buy one pint. Oh, right. You can't do that. I went to ask for some beer

and they just gave me this huge sort of carrier. That's how you order at the World's Darkest. Can I have some beer? They just pick a number. It was a minimum of about three pints. Oh, good. Were you dating Cliff Lazarenko at the time? No!

OK. Anyway, Eric Bristow was there, and I saw a man, nice chap, and he went over to him, and he wanted an autograph for his son, and Eric Bristow said, I only sign books. Oh. And what any particular books but he only signs copies he won't do autographs unless you present him with a copy of his book all right and i thought what

a nasty piece of work 12 quid for an autograph he might he might have just been having a bad night if any of our um listeners by the way have taken against celebrities for no good reason, I mean, that's a fair reason. OK. I'm thinking irrational, really. Because, I mean, the Hocknallion thing that happened, the Hocknallion incident. Hocknallion.

I mean, you know, he might well have been telling the truth. It's like when I saw Jeff Capes on Jim will fix it many years ago. And someone had to make him a fried breakfast. That was their part. I think they had to be like his training team, his mother and daughter. And the mother made him a fried breakfast. And there was a lot of bread on him, a lot of toast. He ate all that.

He's a piggish man. And he ate it. And he said, you know, it was all that. He's a piggish man. And he ate it. And he said, you know, it's all right. And I thought, oh, come on. She said, Jim, we'll fix it. You could, I mean, you're Jeff Capes. It's not like, you know, you've got a delicate taste buds about you. So to you, it's just like putting coal on a fire.

Just get, be nice about it. And that put me off. I've been a fan of his before. Next time I saw him, I thought, I hope you drop that fridge. And to hell with the environment. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. The outside world has been calling. Oh, has it ever?

Oh, yeah. Well, we've had a couple of texts in. We were talking about your irrational hatred of Daniel Craig. Not hatred. I said, I've just found that I've taken against him, and I did eventually work out why. I'm glad we've clarified that, though, because I don't like the idea of broadcasting that we hate people.

No, I don't hate anyone. You've turned against him, partly because his now wife stole your clean. Well, I think completely for that reason. So, 574, I hate John McCruricic or however you spell it they've said with with contempt i would say yeah um only because of his mutton chops well it's i think that's quite a compliment to hate him only for that i uh i um funnily enough i got interviewed by kevin bridges the other day you know the uh kevin bridges the comic and he was talking about people he'd been excited to meet in his life. And the list was me and John McCruric.

Yeah, so I feel that me and McCruric are forever joined together now, in eternity. Extraordinary bedfellows. Yes. I'd call the documentary you're both currently making. Yeah. No, it's actually a series in which we travel around the country

examining beds. Carry on. Bedfellow. We've had some texts in as well, haven't we, Cock? Well, the Umbrella assassination. Yes. Ball bearing in Umbrella was a Bulgarian, Georgi Markov.

Georgi Markov. Gross. I think he now presents Sky Sports News. And went out with Ant, or Dick. No, Dick. Yeah. That's how rumours start. It was ricin, highly toxic, a minuscule dose is required.

Now I remember. It's all coming back to me. See, you guys thought I'd made that up. Yeah, it's great. He who laughs last. Yeah. As I think he said when he brought it in. What a brilliant thing to do.

I mean, if you're going to poison someone, a ball bearing the end of an umbrella, it don't get any better than that, does it? Yeah, Sarah's making notes in the corner. That's weird. Yeah, Sarah is our resident poisoner. It works. We also had a rather curious sighting.

The curious incident of the Cockerel at the Ritz, I'm going to call it, Frank. Cockerel at the Ritz. That's a great, I love that. That's a sequel to Benjamin Button. Exactly. This is from 390. I was at the Ritz the other week and cock-a-doodle-doo, who should be bedecked in beige on the balcony but none other than the cockerel?

In beige? I just don't think I've got any beige. But I like the idea that I'm walking about the Ritz like Hannibal Lecter at the end of the film, where he's got a Panama hat on and he's walking through crowded streets. I don't think I'm doing that. Silence the cockerels.

Are you saying it wasn't you? I don't know. You don't know. You must have known whether he was in the Ritz in beige. I wasn't in the Ritz, but I am sometimes in posh Park's someone... You don't know. You must have known whether you was in the Ritz in beige. I wasn't in the Ritz, but I think, you know, I am sometimes in posh Park Lane bits of that there, London. Are you indeed?

Yes, indeed. In my role as entertainer. It's like Lady Chatterley's lover, isn't it? The comedy version. The gamekeeper gets into the posh house. It does always feel like Oliver Twist when I'm in those buildings. But no, I don't think I wear beige either. They might have just... Or perhaps I am wearing beige.

I am a bit colourblind. Maybe what I think is black tie is a beige suit. Oh, God, that's colourblindness gone through the ceiling. I'm off the charts, yeah. Oh, man, that's very strange. Frank, I'd also like to share, I went off Ken Holm once. Ken Holm, the cook? Yes.

Did you? Why? Well, I'll tell you why. My father used to work at the BBC, and when I was a kid, he'd take me round on the school holidays. You know, I'd just hang out at the BBC, really. And I could chat with the Director General. Lovely. And I remember going round, and he said,

I'll go and look, you know, I used to look in the studios at things that were being filmed. Ken Holm was recording. I walked in, he dropped, smashed an egg, came out with a Category C expletive. Oh, dear. Yes. And I went off him. It altered my opinion of him ever since.

Oh. Yeah, you see, but mine again, mine is an irrational thing. Yours are just a list of grudges. That is quite irrational. He's allowed to swear. If any of us drop an egg, we're allowed to swear. Especially, I mean, Ken Hom. Who values food more highly than him? That's this week's texting.

Who values food more highly than Ken Hom? Ken Hom. If you're any yoga enthusiasts. Absolute Radio with Frank Skimmer. So, Frank, we've solved the mystery of

the curious incident of the cockerel at the Ritz. The curious incident? Yes. Yes. We've had a text in from 932. It was probably the Ritz in Manchester. They have a balcony. Yes, they do. And a grab a granny night, he's added.

And it was me. And I don't think of the jacket as... I don't... I don't think of it as beige. I think of it as like a brown leather jacket. But as I've just pointed out, you've gone from wearing a suit at the Ritz to wearing a leather jacket in Manchester.

It does feel much more real life, doesn't it? Yeah, I feel it has swung, the lens has swung back to the real world. So that was you. I tell you what, I think I'm starting to hate John Cleese. I just, I know, I know, big comedy legend, but every time you see him interviewed now, it's all, oh, my wife wants money england's not as good as it used to be and i just think shut up you moaning old man you know you're loaded who cares she was married to you for 20 years i feel like i'm blaspheming speaking against john cleese but

that's all right do shut up yeah and i did again not an irrational dislike I used to go the other way I've heard that rather than disliking celebs I feel a bit embarrassed about I used to when he presented this morning before the shame I used to really like

John Leslie when the food came out he'd really get stuck in like yeah here's a bit of the dinner. And I thought, oh, I like that side of him, obviously. You've become a sort of Unity Mitford. A what figure? Can't explain 1930s history at this time. There's a reference for 8, 12, 15, if ever there was one.

Those who get it will enjoy it, I'm sure. Oh. So, Frank. Oh, yes. I've been coming a bit of a Roy Cropper recently. Oh, yes. And you know I don't like it when that happens. No, when you come a Cropper, no. It's to do with the Christmas build-up. I've been experiencing what I call a few Christmas curveballs.

Can I explain to you in the cockerel what that is? Mm. So it's essentially, it's, you know, Christmas just seems to, there seems to be so it's so fraught with kind of social disasters and faux pas and i've been having a lot of them i'd like to draw your attention to the um edg which is the early doors gift i hate an edg that's when someone calls you up and says oh should we meet on the 15th and exchange presents oh yeah no i don't want to meet on the 15th and exchange presents? Oh, yeah. No, I don't want to meet on the 15th and exchange presents. No, juicy. Hoping to get away without giving you a present, if I'm honest.

Yeah, yeah. I've had a call from David Baddiel. He wanted me to go around on Saturday. I know his game. Why would you ask me around the week before Christmas? He wants a gift. He's after a gift. So unkind.

I'm sure he just wants to see you. People get very touchy about early Christmases in general, I think. Yeah, I can't bear it. People will say, can you believe, I was in the supermarket, they've only got Christmas puddings. In November. Already. And people say, it spoils it, doesn't it?

Does it? Have you ever said, have a nice Christmas? And people say, it spoils it, doesn't it? Does it? Have you ever said, have a nice Christmas? Well, to be honest, it was absolutely ruined by a box of crackers I saw in Debenhams. Wait for it. Wait for it, November. No one's ever said that. So people do get touchy about the early things. I've had three Christmas dinners already.

Have you? Yeah. If you count a turkey and cranberry pasty from the Cornwall Pasty Shop. I'm not sure. In Liverpool Street. This is an insight into how Eamon Holmes lives every week. Yeah. But I love a Christmas dinner, and I've had two proper ones,

and I hope to squeeze another one in before I... What I'd really like is a Christmas dinner advent calendar, where I open it every day and there's a Christmas dinner in it I have to eat before I go. You know, it's one of the... I'm one of those people who thinks I'm going to have like turkey and cranberry stuff on a regular basis throughout

the forthcoming year and then I don't do it again until the next Christmas. They do sell mince pies all year round, don't they? But you'd never eat one, would you? No, nobody ever does, but I think they're there. Who's buying them? No, because I had one at the filming of the BBC, one Christmas advert, and it felt wrong.

Did it? And that wasn't so long ago. Did you have a Christmas jumper on? Oh, God, yes. Was that the advert that we've seen? That's the one. Nice. You see, also, I worry about gifts as well, Frank,

because, essentially, there can be a disproportionate gift exchange. I found, I mean, I was relieved this morning, we exchange cards. The cockerel, very plain about it, don't do anything. I don't do cards. I would have done gifts. If I'd been warned last week that we were doing gifts, I'd have done gifts, but I'm not bothered for cards.

No. And in fact, a mate of mine texted me the other day saying, what's your address, Alan? I just haven't replied. I'm not going to send you one. You could have texted back, I don't do cards. Dave, if you're listening,

just don't bother, it's not a problem. I imagine all the cockerels might have tickled Dave. Only about three quarters of them. Well, I've tried to get rid of press as you know i've tried to remove presents i don't buy my girlfriend presents i don't buy yeah and i don't i don't want presents i don't give presents my manager is the one person who will not give in on it really i said to him

let's not do presents this year so hard to buy for and he said oh no i like i like present i love buying presents i said no i like presents and i thought love buying presents he's, I like presents. And I thought, love buying presents? Is there any in here? I said, what about receiving them? He said, I love that too. And I thought, oh, it's worth a try. And so we, in the end, he bought me, I'll tell you after. Frank, Frank, Frank Skimmer.

Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. We've had a good text in, Ree, the festive season from 754. Can I please have guidance on the appropriateness of happy versus merry in the standard Christmas greeting? That's a good question. That is good, yeah. Because it always used to be merry in my youth.

Occasionally, you'd get season's greetings, which I've always been very keen on. Oh, that's the thing your accountant sends you. Well, no, we used to get it on the school photo. Oh, yeah. When the school photo comes in, the Christmas one comes in a brown cardboard frame. It used to have season's greetings on the front. Right. But then, and then happy crept in.

And I always thought, no, merry for Christmas then happy crept in and i always thought no mary for christmas happy for easter that was always my oh yeah for you because you don't mary easter i've never heard no you don't get that do you i don't know why that is but i think mary probably it's associated with um celebration maybe even um drunkenness you know young women young women lying on the pavement with their pants showing in a pool of sick and stuff like that. So I've switched to happy myself. I told you, I don't want to talk about last night. But I've switched to happy as a result of that.

Mary, I'm associating with broken Britain, is what I'm saying. But whatever happened to Yuletide? I mean, that used to be occasionally mentioned. When I was about 14, Frank, I used to say, have a cool yule. Oh, isn't that tragic? Did you try and invent cool yule? Yes, I did. It never took off. A friend of

mine, whenever Abby Titmuss was mentioned, he used to say, and a prosperous new year. Frank, we've also had an email in. I like an email. Hello, Mr Skinner. This is from Faye West.

Hello, Mr Skinner. What? Not the one who used to say, come up and see me sometime. No, this is Faye. Mae West, you're... Oh, Faye West. I work... I'm at my most topical this morning. I've gone from Unity, Midford to May West.

Via the... I can't wait till you play Glimpse of Stocking. It was Alexander Litvinenko. Of course it was. In a way, we all were. Actually, I was thinking of Georgi Markov. Will you let me read this email? Sorry, I'm sorry, Reedy.

Hello, Mr Skinner. I work at the Legal ombudsman in sunny birmingham the ombudsman oh what next will we get a text from the conciliation service i'm hoping for bob crow um i used to um i used to sing uh do you remember that kate bush um song uh rolling the ball rolling the ball to me do you not remember yeah i used to sing, do you remember that Kate Bush song? Rolling the ball, rolling the ball to me. Do you not remember? No. I used to sing,

Conciliation service, conciliation service, hey Cass. I don't do it anymore. I think we've just found out why. Carry on. Anyway, we resolve complaints about lawyers. Because we're such fans of your work, we've named one of our meeting rooms after you. We go there to be frank, basically. Our 300 hard-working staff would be delighted if you could pop in to see us and try out new comedy material,

or efficiently open your room. What say you, Mr Skinner? Well, it's a big step. Well, there's a P.S. mr skinner well it's a it's a big step well there's a ps okay yes one of my team has carried a guitar across london for you some years ago with his friend jemma cooper oh jemma cooper well yes i used to work with jemma cooper she um i don't sound like we all know who it is no well jemma i'll tell you what jemma cooper gave me a burden i've had to carry for the rest of my life oh god i God, I hate these stories.

Is that what the tablets were about? No, it's... She used to be an air hostess, and she told me the passwords for when there's trouble, for when there's danger of a crash. Like the code words? Yeah, the things that they have to say to each other so the passengers don't know what's going on. I won't say them, because it's best not to know.

Oh, and telling a wag like you is only going to end in tears. Yeah, what wife and girlfriend? Yeah, well, that sounds lovely though. What an honour to have. Where is it at? That's from Faye West. She just says sunny Birmingham, so I don't know the actual location. Well, you know,

it could happen. I'm not saying no. It's an honor there's a lot i like in this email i like the uh i like the phrase um try out your new comedy material yes well if ever i'm trying out new material my first stop is always an ombudsman you want to do it in an office yeah some people go to a small comedy club, not Frank. And I like the fact that she, there's enough work in complaints about lawyers for 300 hard-working staff. How many complaints

are lawyers getting? I know, that does make you wonder, doesn't it? What's their complaint? I reckon it's that they spend too long at the bar, innit? Oh! Because bar also means it. Oh, that's brilliant. I think 280 of the complaints came from Conrad Murray.

To be fair. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Frank, we've had a resolution. Hold on. What I have to do at half way through the show is say, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with Alan Cochran. And I'm with Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with Alan Cochran. And I'm with Emily Dean.

I wish I had a jingle. Hello, Mr Radio. I'll go on then. Sorry, Emily. It's all right, my darling. 925 has texted in to resolve the ongoing heated debate about whether you say happy Christmas or merry Christmas. Yes.

Merry Christmas and happy new year. It's poor English to use the same word twice in a sentence. Yes, poor English. I think that is a sub-editor. That makes sense, though, doesn't it, Craig? Yeah, it does. Yeah, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. But you see, you can go happy and prosperous. Oh. Happy Christmas

and prosperous New Year. Prosperous is good, isn't it? Oh no, I never wish people that. I don't want my friends to make money. Yeah, I don't think it's just making money, is it? To prosper is to do well. I don't know, I grew up in the 80s. Frank, you were going to tell us,

you and your manager, who I'm very fond, exchanged gifts. Yeah, well, I mean, in the end, I just got in vouchers,

which I know is always the last resort. Where from, WX Smith? No, I got theatre vouchers. Oh. But,

you know, vouchers. Oh, you know the one. Oh. I mean, I love getting vouchers. Vouchers is my favourite thing. Really? Yeah, God, I love vouchers. Oh. But, you know, vouchers. Oh, you know the one. Oh. I mean, I love getting vouchers. Vouchers is my favourite thing.

Really? Yeah. God, I love vouchers because, you know, to me it's them saying, acknowledging that my taste is superior to theirs. That's a funny way of looking at vouchers. Thanks very much. I'm going to use that as the trailer.

Cocker of Senna's a funny way of looking at it, isn't it? Yeah. And he bought me an enormous pocket watch. Oh. But I mean... Sort of Mad Hatter's tea pot. I mean, two feet across. And it's not actually for the pocket. It is to hang on

the wall. That's what you give people when they retire isn't it? Yeah, do you think he's trying to tell me something? It sounds like there isn't going to be another Frank Skinner's opinion. Yeah, so it's given me this enormous it looks in every detail a pocket watch except it's massive.

When I hold it I look like jamie collum so um he's he's bought me that for that we did have a conversation about the pocket watch didn't we on air well i think and we said you should get a pocket watch and a three-piece suit and you were do you know he's so thoughtful this one i'd have to combine with a three-piece suite rather than three pieces it's lovely but i i do like the idea of carrying it around as if it were my watch and not referring to it but anyway that was

so I can't now I've got he's drawn me into the present thing because I didn't want to buy a present anyway I said let's not do presents and then he's won because I did vouchers and he did giant pocket watch that's what I don't like I don't like the competition I just you know let's just forget about the present thing.

And also, I like the way that the media say, get all this stuff about, you know, people are so materialistic now, they forgot all the lovely things about Christmas. And then there's 19 articles saying, it's a high street disaster. People aren't shopping and going out. I say, let's not buy any presents at all except for children.

Yeah? That's my... I'd love an amnesty. Yeah. I don't think you can give children as presents anymore, though. No. Give them a nice amnesty. I've had a thing this week where I've noticed

just the last few weeks I've started to go a bit archaic in some of the language that i'm using i've caught myself emailing people that i'm meeting the next day and saying see you on the morrow that's a bit old school i say see you on the steve see you on the steve morrow broken shoulder blade during a celebration or something and uh and And I think, I heard on Radio 4 a very posh man. You know those sort of posh people that speak as if they've had a motorcycle accident and their jaw's been pinned together. How dare you. They can't move their lips like that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And this guy was saying, yeah, all a bit Prince Charles-y. And he said, I was told that I had to have a party phone call. And I'd never heard the phrase party phone call before. Well, I think it... Is it a conference call? Well, what happened to the party? Do you remember the party line? Oh, towing the party or something?

No, no, not towing the party line, but sometimes you'd have a phone, it was a party line, it was cheaper. Yes. And sometimes you'd pick it up and someone else would be having a comment to put it back to you you used to share phone lines no

this is from a time I've never heard of when we first had a phone, I was about 15 I think when we first got a phone and we all gathered round it and looked at it and was terrified it might ring my mum used to answer my mum would answer the phone and go, Hello! From about two feet away.

And, yeah, and that's what you had. The cheap version was a party line. So I think there was maybe two or three other people who used it. And so total strangers. Total strangers. So you'd be picking up, you know, Can you get off? I want to speak to Frank. Well, I never spoke to them.

It wasn't the Don thing to bot in. But, Frank, a party, what is it called, a party call, that sounds like one of those 0906 numbers. Yeah, I'm a bit worried. That sounds like, I'm waiting for your call. This is a very well-to-do matter. Make a party phone call. Just weird. Weird. The whole phone world has changed. call. This is a very well to do make a party phone call just weird

weird. The whole phone world has changed. I read the other day that there's a massive drop in the amount of people who do the speaking clock thing. Oh yeah. People don't they don't call the speaking clock anymore. No Time sponsored by Acurist

You sat around there looking at him. Everyone this clock scene they got them on your phone and blah, blah, blah. You've got giant pocket watches knocking around. I couldn't get through to dial a disc the other day. 153, one of my favourites. Oh, God, I used to love dial a disc. Oh, I loved 153. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.

I did a sort of a retro, not a retro phrase. I sort of did a retro thing. Oh. I had to wait for someone to get me something. And I was sitting waiting and I realised, and I don't know if I've done this before and never noticed, I realised I was actually twiddling my thumb. I didn't realise people actually did that, but I was sitting

just like I am now, and they were going at it, the thumbs. Almost like they were squabbling. There was a hint of they were playing Hungry Hippos. All right. I thought, I'm twiddling my thumbs.

It's not... I don't know if that's still popular, but I thought that it could. It's quite retro. I said whatever this morning, and it feels positively Edwardian. It's so retro now. Is that already out of date?

Yes. Well, as you know, I'm a fan of wazzah. I'm trying to bring that back into British culture. The one maybe I've never let go since school was you are. You are. Yeah, you do say that quite a lot. I do that a lot.

I'll give you an example. I was doing a Room 101 recently with Alice Cooper, and I showed a picture of Alice Cooper with a snake, and he said, oh, he said, that's an albino boa constrictor. And I said, you are. And he looks at me confused. But it's a beautiful simplicity to you are, and it's variant, you know, like you did and stuff like that,

which I love. I can't give it up. I can't and I won't. I like I would at the end of sarcastic sentences. Oh, in what? Explain. I was in a very busy tube station and somebody had stopped dead with their luggage

in, like, a thoroughfare. And some bloke went, why don't you just stop dead right in the middle of a bloody thoroughfare? I would. I really like I would. Oh, OK. He didn't mean he would. He was being indefinitely sarcfare. I would. I really like, I would. Oh, okay. He didn't mean he would. He was being

definitely sarcastic. He was. He'd gone into the world of irony. Yes. I'd also quite like to bring back Gadzooks and If I Had My Druthers,

which is in the... What are those? If I Had My Druthers. I've never heard If I Had My Druthers before. It's in the book To Kill a Mockingbird and it means

If I Had My I'd Rathers. So it's like, you know, our things were different. If I had my druthers. Yeah, yeah. No, it's good, that. I'm going to start using that. Not enough people use that. If I had my druthers, they would. Where I grew up in the Black Country,

we used to say waro as a greeting. Oh, that's nice. You know, like, waro, am you all right? A bit like that. And I went out with someone from London, and she heard me on the phone saying, oh, waro, Jeff am you're right be like that and i went out with uh someone from uh london and uh she heard me on the phone saying oh what how jeff you're right and she said what have you i said what i said and she pointed out to me it's actually what ho is what they say which is like robin hood or well it's like jeeves or something like that yeah we always

what oh mate there you go your lot as well tend to say mind how you go well there you go yeah Jeeves or something like that. Yeah, we always... What up, mate? How you going? Your lot as well tend to say, mind how you go. Mind how you go, yeah. Oh, I find that odd. It's a bit Dave Prowse. Rather strange for a brain to say that to you. Mind how you go, yeah, I'd always say that. Now, Frank, never... I'm having an after-night.

Never mind all this. In its individual black envelope. What about Serene Botham? A bit of a goth, the after-night. Never mind all this. In its individual black envelope. What about Sir Ian Botham? A bit of a goth, the after-eight. And the pet detective. Oh, yes. Oh, I love that story. Because I loved Ace Ventura.

So any use of the phrase pet detective. I love Sir Ian Beefy Botham. He was in the greatest named theatre show ever well as you say he's known as Beefy he toured with Alan Lamb the other England batsman and they did a tour

a few clips Q&A and all that and it was called Beef and Lamb in a Stew fantastic and Frank I was a big fan of his autobiography, Don't Tell Cass. Is that what it was called? One you could have used. I could have used that one as well, yeah. Could have had to. He's, um,

I don't quite buy Ian Botham hiring a pet detective. Do you not? Well, we should explain what's happened. There's a missing dog called Woody. Called Woody, who's a sprocker, a cocker meat spring woody called woody who's a sprocker a cocker meat springer oh that's one of sprocker isn't it bit of word merging portmanteau word and it belongs to his son liam the dog oh i remember liam yeah we all thought is liam going

to be you know is he going to be the next in line didn't happen no uh but there's a five thousand pound reward and they've called in this detective. £5,000? Yes, apparently so. Because the police have failed to find the dog, haven't they? Yeah, but as I understand it, Ian Botham hasn't called in the pet detective. This is the son and his new girlfriend, isn't it?

Yes, his fiancée. Because Ian Botham is the most no-nonsense. He's more no-nonsense. He makes the cockerel seem like Gok Wan. He's so no-nonsense. He's more no-nonsense. He makes the cockerel seem like Gok Wan. He's so no-nonsense. I do in a certain light. But he says... I've heard him say things like

he'd talk about a new rule that's been brought in and they'll discuss it and he'll say, well, that's as clear as mud. He says things like that. I mean, talking of retro sayings. He's the first man I saw use a technique which I have never used myself, but I have been tempted. And that is, I saw him walking across the thoroughfare

at Lord's Cricket Ground. There's loads of people about. They're all going to see him, both of them. And he had the phone to his ear, but I'm 100% convinced he wasn't on the phone. I think it was just to get him through the crowd without being spoken to. And so, you know, you can learn from

beef. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Meanwhile, Frank, over in Richmond, the case of the missing dog. Yes, in Richmond? Yes, I believe so. Do you mean Fenton?

No. Oh. It said near Richmond, so I assumed that was Richmond Do you mean Fenton? No. Oh, it said near Richmond, so I assumed that was Richmond, but apparently that's North Yorkshire. Richmond, North Yorkshire, which is William Hague's constituency. That's an ideal opportunity. No, no, no. For the cockerel to do his William Hague impression. I'm not doing a William Hague impression. Go on.

I'm not. Do it, do it, do it. Next year, cliffhanger. You told us you had a really good William Hague impression. Go on. I'm not. Do it, do it, do it. Next year, cliffhanger. You told us you had a really good William Hague impression. I used to do a William Hague impression when he was the leader, but I haven't brought it back, so it's rusty by, what, at least six years. It's rusty lead? Rusty lead.

I bet Ian Balsam's got a rusty lead. Indeed, he's lost his dog dog it's not getting the use it used to wonder wonder who wrote the book of love good song I believe it was Alex Comfort the one that wrote the book of love

I like that reference don't know that book it's a good one that wrote the book of love. Yeah. Oh, I know. I like that reference. Yeah. Don't know that book. It's a good one. The Alex Comfort reference. It's a good one. I can't. Pink beards.

I can't because it's got the word sex in it. I can't say it on Breakfast Friday. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. Pink beardy man. Are you not going to do your William Hague? No. Do you?

I was thinking of beardy man when you said Ian Botham there and now I feel a bit... I'll tell you another thing that was slightly creepy about that Ian Botham story was that when I read it, there was a link to a dog dating website. You go, oh, that's... I was once in the park... You're not that desperate, are you?

I'm not, no. My dog's been done. But I was in the park with a friend of mine, Justin, and he had his dog and this other bloke came over and his dog was running about with Justin's dog and the bloke said to Justin, has she been done?

And Justin went, yeah, yeah, she's been done. He went, oh, that's a shame. They'd have made nice pups together. And it was... Get lost. Get lost. Creepy. Yeah.

He can tell that Justin is one of the friends that the Cockerels made since he's been in show business. Not Dave. Dave's from the past. Justin, I imagine, is someone who the Cockerel met at drama school. Is that one of his hummus friends? He's a roly-poly Northern Cavitian, Justin Morehouse. Called him roly-poly, that's horrible, isn't it? Why did I do that?

No, they love that. That's why they're so jolly. Anyway, he's got a Labrador. And, yeah, we've both felt a bit creepy after that. No, I don't, I don't. Oh, what's a Whippet Labrador? A Wabador? No, it wouldn't have been...

I can't remember what this other bloke's dog was, this creepy guy. I'm going to call him Creepy Guy from now on. I'm glad you said you like Ace Ventura Pet Detective, though. I think the opening scene of that, where he's kicking the fragile box down the corridors, funny, properly funny. What about Ace Ventura 2, the opening scene when he's on the cliffside?

Oh, I don't remember. I'll suggest you have a reprise. Oh, will you? Have you got the box set? We'll get the blockbuster card out. Oh, man, I love Jim Carrey. I love him. OK. A lot of reviews from 11-year-old boys.

That thing about retro phrases, I have another friend, and if I'd have said, oh, I love Jim Carrey, he'd have said, well, why don't you marry him then? Which is what he says if you say, I love anything. I still love that. I like that. You could say, oh, I love boiled eggs. Well, why don't you marry them then? Well, Ian in Wandsworth says,

I found myself saying smashing last night. We won't ask what that was in regards to. Was he with Richard Keyes? Jim Bowen? Jim Bowen still alive? Yeah. That's a texting story A friend of mine works on TalkSport

and he's killed two people in the last couple of months people who he's referred to as the late somebody and then he's had a phone call to say actually I'm his agent and he's still alive Got to be careful I think Jim I think Jim's still around isn't he

Jim Carrey oh yeah no Jim Bowen no Jim Bowen they're off off the stage and what would Ace Ventura have been like

if Jim Bowen had done it for Jim Carrey no he's not right that dog I worry about him anyway let's see what that dog

could have been yeah they'd have finally used that speedboat. Frank, Frank, Frank Skimmer, Frank Skimmer, Absolute Radio. Hey, I was, I drove to a football match last week and back again and I was listening to, what I've been listening to on my football jaunts of late regular listeners will know I love an audio book

and I've been listening to Catch-22 by Joseph Heller which is brilliant I've seen the film but never got round to the book so I think we've had the debate before about whether you listen to the radio radio book you can then say the audio book yeah you can say you've read the book what do you have to say oh yeah i've heard that it's great and people say what do you mean heard it yeah anyway i think it's i think it's the same as reading it more or less but not quite if you know what i mean anyway Anyway, come CD 12, I think it was, it started jumping most horribly.

So it would... Where do you want... Don't get... You're Syrian, you... There's a plane... And it's like... And I couldn't... I tried it about three times, couldn't fix it.

So now I'm in this terrible situation where I'm near the end. I'm only three CDs away from the end, four CDs only? yeah, but bear in mind I've listened to twelve wow and now I'm thinking well, I'll have to get the book

and then finish it by reading the book you know, reading the last bit but it feels wrong to me it feels wrong to mix mediums yeah like that i feel like you know it's the grape and the grain argument it is yeah it's like you know you know if you phone someone or say the worst thing of all if you text someone and they phone you back and you say no whoa whoa i started this process i I choose the rules of communication.

It's one of my worst things. And I realise I kind of... Obviously, it's not a rule that you can't listen to the first part of a book in an audio book and then finish it with a book. But to me, it's a personal rule. And I realise I'm quite strict on myself on those things. rule and I realise I'm quite strict on myself on those things like I um I have to stand with my weight equally balanced on both legs rather than go on to one leg basically because I used to have a habit of standing in um well what ballet enthusiasts will know as fourth position oh yes and it looks quite camp on a man.

And he puts quite a lot of the weight onto one leg, and the other one is kind of slightly splayed out at the side. I think I do this. Do you? It was my natural pose. Oh. And then a physiotherapist said, What are you doing? It's sort of contrapposto, isn't it?

I couldn't eat anything else. I've just had an after-eat. In its individual black envelope. And... Looking for some voiceover work. Always. I don't actually. I don't do it.

I don't sell out. I'd rather starve. Fourth position. Yeah, so... It's classical sculpture pose. Yeah, go on yeah, so... That's contrapposto. It's classical sculpture pose. Yeah, go on. So, apparently, if you stand on one leg like that,

all the way on one leg, you strengthen that one leg and weaken the other. I can't have that. No. Manu, you know, because I'm walking old, is like me. So now I very consciously stand on both legs. On both. No, what, you know, I've imposed that on myself.

You're quite into sort of self-imposed restraint, I find. Yeah, I think it's a Catholic thing, I'll be honest with you. No, it's good that you're a stickler for a rule. I would say special dispensation applied in the case of the audiobook, though. You were thwarted by technology. I was. It was through no fault of your own. But once I get it, like drinking water,

I've now come to terms with the fact you've gone to drink plenty of water if you want to be a good person because we came from the water i think we have to top up and i don't know about you but i hate water water is rubbish it's so rubbish you can tell how rubbish water this is this is my rule of thumb for water any anything that's never been pimped out as a flavor in something else like strawberries you get strawberry this strawberry mousse strawberry chocolate strawberry cream all sorts of things you know lime all over the place water Water. Have you ever been into an ice cream parlour and they've said, right, we've got pistachio, strawberry, water. No, that's ice, isn't it, mate? No, no, we call it water. Who's going to have that? Nobody.

Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Frank, is it wrong that I use the same scissors to wrap presents that I cut my toenails with? That is from Tony, I hasten to add. Not my query. I think that's fine. Is it? It means that every present is in a way wrapped in you. Because your DNA is on the seam of each join.

Yeah, I sneeze to keep the seal. Let's leave it there, shall we? Yeah, I'm a bit relaxed. Something my girlfriend points out. I'm a bit relaxed with scissors. What do you mean? I'll do the bacon with them and then wrap a few presents

the look of horror on the producer's face I've never seen the light my nose hair I do a lot of snipping of meat one of the few things I can cook is a pasta so I get the pesto sauce

then I like a bit of small sections of meat. So the scissors are an absolute godsend in that situation. What else? 266, what about watermelon, Frank? But watermelon doesn't taste of water, is it? It's not water-flavoured. Watermelon, I've had watermelon ice cream and watermelon jelly belly,

and they're quite nice. Watermelon is a slight con, if you don't mind me saying in that it's waterness it ought to be called melon brackets i'm with you frank i loathe water water is one of the most disgraceful i mean there might be people now listening from the third world waiting for water who don't understand this but that's because they've never tried Nesquik. That's my view. It's what the third world misses more than anything. Yeah. Especially banana. So, Frank, you don't like water.

Where do you stand on snow? Well, usually I stand on... No, I love snow. Oh. Oh, no, I absolutely love snow. I'm very excited that there might be. I'm going on a bit of a walk with my girlfriend and sister. I really wish I'd got them out of the house jingle.

But we're going on a bit of a walk and I'm really hoping it snows. Why? So it'll be treacherous and we'll be trapped and be on the news. It'll be my only chance to meet Prince William once the helicopter comes over the horizon. Because my theory

is he's been... He's got an extra cushion in his helicopter that's took the top off his hair. I hate snow, Frank. Do you? I'm really sorry.

Oh, no, you don't. I can't bear snow. And I hate... I think if a kid's fine, but it's like people with a mortgage rolling around in the snow. It's weird. That's me. I know.

That's me a year ago. Do you lie on your back into those snow angels? Yeah, I was out there with my boy. We made a snowman last year, and then he had to realise that it had gone. I love a snowman. I took a picture of a snowman. Because if it starts snowing heavy, me and my girlfriend always go out for a walk,

no matter what time of the night it is. Because it's always light when it's snow on the ground. But that's for a slogan. And someone had built a snowman sort of climbing over this wall. It was climbing. And I thought, that's brilliant. So I took a photo of it. And then I was on The One Show a couple of days later and they were asking people as they do on the one show

sending photographs of your snowman so they can hold them up stopped a car not quite well stopped so there's the odd bubbling going on yes i don't like that car so i said well i've got a picture of a snowman we can use mine a bit of a you know a bit of intertextuality and you know the guest brings one in and all that and they they said oh oh, yeah, that's a brilliant snowman, and then when they came in, they said, I'm sorry, but when we blew it up, it had genitals. And, well, I hadn't noticed. I honestly hadn't noticed.

I mean, they were of snow. It wasn't the old traditional carrot and coal, which is what I imagine a tiger's must look like. No, pardon? This is like an old joke, isn't it? My mum used to tell me this. What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? If this is going to be rude, don't give me the punchline.

I'll tell you after then. It's not that rude. OK. No, but I honestly hadn't... On my iPhone picture, and even when I saw it on the night, I hadn't picked up on that part of it. It wasn't one show Sabotage No it wasn't extended

it was flat I might try and embrace Frank, I might try and embrace the snow this year Frank Honestly I would recommend it I think I also, on the series of excellence snowmen snowmanry and snow sculpture

I heard from my inside information at the BBC that 11 of the 15 polar bears in David Attenborough's Frozen Planet were made of snow. Oh, no. Yeah? Two of the others were pyjama cases. He's a scoundrel. Anyway, look, we come to the end of another year of this show.

We've seen many changes, but we're still carrying on. We're on holiday over the festive period, yes, but could you tell I was reading that? Because I don't often casually use the phrase the festive period. But I will miss you boys. We'll keep in touch. But there will be a best of show on Christmas day and on New Year's Eve

both from 10am that'll be great it'll be like a greatest hits thing there's nothing better at Christmas than a greatest hits not the weekend podcast however will be available and a completely new fresh one will be available on Wednesday morning so this is not our complete farewell

but it's our on-air farewell. And Mark Crossley is next. As always, it's been an absolute joy. I can't tell you how much I love this show. I know some of you don't, but just shut up about it. Shut up about it. Listen to something else, then. It's my advice.

But I love it, and I love you all so have a very very merry christmas from the three of us um and uh and a um what would be a word that isn't happy for new year and oh that's lovely that's a leper going past the golden square they always out this time of the year no that was that was Emily ringing a bell. No, that's lovely. And have a retrospective New Year. Let's see, I've come up with an adjective.

So if the good Lord's willing and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back in January. Ta-ra a bit.