The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Changing Rooms

Episode Date: September 28, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Frank's unfortunate cab journey, what celeb they'd choose to look like and what lessons they are currently having. Also, Frank calls on the listeners to confirm what a 'family' changing room is.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and with, as ever, Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 8 12 15, we'd like that, and you can follow the show on the Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the absolute website that'll get through to three ways there of communicating with us and relax and we've just had a text from uh we should say good morning to it at the start of the show though i just say you may have had a text i've had a reminder about staff expenses due from absolute radio oh have you yeah they shouldn't be sending me three days everyone can. Can we just staff expenses?

Well, I don't know, but apparently they're due. Because I think I snagged a pair of pedal pushers about two years ago on one of the chairs. And I thought, oh, that'll stitch up. But actually, they look a mess. Do they? Oh, no. Well, you've got three days, love. OK.

OK. Anyway, good morning. I've got them somewhere. I've got evidence. OK. Well, you've got three days, love. Okay. Okay. Anyway, good morning. I've got them somewhere. I've got evidence. Okay. Good morning. You said you wanted us all to say good morning. They used to say, morning, Peter.

Morning, everyone, when they came in. Oh, did they? Oh, I'd hate it if we did that. Morning, Emily. Oh, it's horrible. Morning, Cockerel. I like it. I don't like it.

See how it goes. Sorry, we've had a text you were saying we've had a text I'm not sure whether or not to read it you know sometimes I've eaten them long time reader

first time texter listening to the show naked for the first time and it's still brilliant that's all Darren I mean that it's early I don't know how he knows

it's still brilliant all we've done is some basic housekeeping we've read an email that wasn't for public consumption yeah but when you're when you're naked public consumption. Yeah, but when you're naked, everything's brilliant. Your standards drop when you're naked. Don't you think, Frank?

Mine certainly do. As I said, your standards drop. I think he means being naked. It's the word standards, the euphemism in that sentence. Does he mean being naked is brilliant? Oh, maybe that's what he means. Maybe he's had clothes on for many years. No, he has said for the first time it's still brilliant.

Maybe he's one of those homeless blokes who's been taken in by the rich manor and they've said to the... You know when they say to the butler, go and get him scrubbed up and they have that scene of him in the bath going, get off me, when they're cleaning their hair. And when they come out, they look great.

Turns out they're good-looking underneath all that. Yeah, exactly. Like those girls you get in American films when they play the ugly girl. And they won't actually employ a real ugly girl. They have to have a beautiful girl with glasses and their hair up. Anne Hathaway, usually. Yeah.

Yeah, she's nicked that name as well. Remember that? Had to be news before. Yeah. So, that creaking is... That's my spine. It's like your sacroiliac. Yeah, that's what...

I had it drained the other day. The fluid, I thought, was slowing me down. That is absolutely disgusting. I'm starting to think, though, maybe the discs maybe need a bit of lubrication. Do you know what? I feel so bilious now. Yeah.

What I might do is say I get some lube on the way home. So, um... I got in a cab the other night. Is that going to be annoying? It's like being on board a ship. You know when they're below deck and Ahab is doing his walk? There goes the captain again. Come here. Captain Birdseye, that's any work you get.

There he goes. There'll be the captain. He'll be looking for the big white one. How dare you when I'm sitting right here. So I got in this cab and the driver said, you're the second celebrity I've had in here. I said, what, today? He said, no, recently.

I said, okay. And it's one of those when people obviously say something so that you have to ask a question. And whenever they do that, a lot of people say, oh, God, that's the second strange thing that's happened to me today.

I always say, oh, really? You see the match last night? And then they have to tell you. Anyway, so he said, you're the second celebrity. So I said, oh, really? You see the match last night? And then they have to tell you. Anyway, so he said, you're the second celebrity. So I said, oh. And he said, yeah, he said, I had that, I was on the edge of my seat. I had that Phil Spencer. Oh, Betty.

Phil Spencer. Now, already he had me at an enormous disadvantage. Eddie, Phil Spencer. Now, already he had me at an enormous disadvantage. The thing was, he said it with proper excitement. Like, he couldn't wait. He knew that when he said the name, I'd go, you are having a laugh.

And I didn't know who Phil Spencer was. And I thought, how am I going to play this? Because I don't want to say, well, who is he? Because that's going to tear down his, you know, it's going to rain on his parade. He was reading a parade which is a 1960s soft porn magazine where he got that from, he must be a collector but anyway

he said yeah Phil Spencer brilliant and I said yeah more of this I think Phil Spencer. Brilliant. And I said, yeah. More of this, I think. In a minute. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so Phil Spencer, it turns out, is a presenter on Location, Location, Location. I know that. Yeah. I know that. Which I don't think I've ever seen.

Right. But I know it's a very popular show. I'm sure more people watch it than watch her. Well, in fairness to you, I don't think many people know him without her, without Kirsty. Kirsty Allsop. It's a bit like Dempsey without Makepeace.

It's just not working. Cannon and Ball, Morecambe and Wise. They're up there. Yeah, belt and braces. Scent and Greasy, Salt and Pepper, yeah. Cannon and ball, Morecambe and Wise. They're up there. Yeah, belt and braces. Scent and greaves, salt and pepper, yeah. Salt and pepper, they were good. Yeah, um, Althea and Donna.

What? They did Uptown Top Ranking. Oh, yeah. Give me a little BS, let me wind up me waist. Down top ranking. Can you do the voice? That one passed me by. Hold it. You can't do the voice. Oh. Anyway.

They've asked me to do the voice and now I can't do it. So, I wasn't sure. And I do, excuse me, any location, location, location. Can we call it LLL? Oh, it takes so long to get there. L3. LL Cool. 3L. 3L. 3L. Any 3L fans?

Forgive me. But I like L3, actually. It sounds like a sort of a Spanish bi-band. Isn't it also a Leicester postcard? It's actually a district in Liverpool. L3? Yeah. Anyway. Hello to everyone in L3. Anyway. Leicester is LE3. So, I asked him when it was on the office. Anyway. Leicester is LE3.

So I asked him when it was on and he said, oh, no, it's early evening. And I said, I said, I'm surprised that you get to watch it, you know, as a driver. He said, oh, he said, with Sky now you can record anything. And I thought, you're recording? Location, location, location. Somebody actually... Again, I've never seen it, it might be brilliant. But then he said... Your series recorded Atlantis without you having seen it.

Yeah, that's what you call faith. But anyway, he said, I called my wife up, he said, and I handed the phone over to Phil Spencer. She recognised his voice immediately. He said she was absolutely thrilled to bits. So I thought, well, we've been in the car 15 minutes. When are you going to call the wife? No, no, I'm sorry.

Oh, no. And then, by now, to be honest be honest i'm gonna open my heart now because i i regard our readers as close friends absolutely there was a voice inside me saying surely you should be more excited to have me in the car than the presenter of l3 now i, I know that's a piece of arrogance on my part. I'm just fessing up with what I was thinking. I thought, surely this is a bigger deal. I really respect you for such a humiliating admission. And then he said to me,

people are very different, aren't they, when you meet them? When they're not on telly. And I thought, oh, he's going to be a bit of gossip about Phil Spencer. He said, you're very funny on telly. He did not say that. Yeah. And I thought, well, that's good that he says that, but now I'm thinking I'd better open my game in the back of the cab here.

Yeah. Because obviously I'm not as funny as he hoped. Start riffing on stuff. Yeah. Start driving past on stuff. Yeah. Start driving past going, trees, yeah. The funny thing about trees, eh? Eh?

You could have just started riffing about things that were going by. Yeah, driving. Driving. Can I just say, 06... It's not an area of strength. You know the one thing you never see in glove compartments? 069, just left work at Leo Casino L3.

What a location. Oh, brilliant. Just left work at the casino. Imagine that. Don't have to imagine it, darling. 1996. Oh, fantastic. As the roulette ball starts to find its final...

Oh, I thought Shepard walked in. How brilliant. as the roulette ball starts to find its final. I thought Shepard walked in. How brilliant. So, yeah, I was a bit hurt by that. And then this guy was, I can't tell you how much he was into location, location, location. I mean, he loved it. He was telling me about strands on the show, the way it had changed over the years. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And then when we got to my flat, he said, you must have a great view from here. I said, well, you know what they say. Location, location, location. Oh. Nothing. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Paul Cockrell, he's been doing his stretches, sacroiliac relief. He's still getting a bit of a sacro problem. Just a little. It's on the mend. OK. He had his legs up on the window ledge. Listen to mine. Yours does sound bad.

Oh, by the way, naked listeners, Mark... I think they thought you were addressing them there, the naked listeners. They were probably all... their ears pricked up when they heard that, I should think. Ditto. Naked. That's from Nugget. Okay. So we've got two naked listeners. Weirdos. I think we've got... Any more?

Just, um, you know, don't give it to yourself. As far as it was inevitable, I've never thought about it before. At this time of day. It's an inevitability. Do you remember when Daisy always wanted me to ask what people were doing as they listened to the show? And I said, that's a bit commercial radio.

Yeah, I like that. Should I have done it? No, I think we did do it. Okay, how did it go? Put it this way. It went alright. I think we'd have a little bit more silverware in the cabinet had we gone down that road. You know what? The laugh is my award. Oh.

Doesn't feed me. Frank, I had an incident with a cab driver. No, please don't. I had an incident... It passed me that really long spoon I always keep in my... Wow. Do you want to know about my cab driver incident?

Just a second. You know that bag with my shooting stick in it? I keep, like, a long spoon in there for feeding of others. Sorry. So I got in the cab. I get in the cab. I've looked up. I've looked up.

I've got in the cab. I've seen the driver. So he checked my name. He said, Emily Dean. I said, yes. He said, all right, hello. I said, hi, how are you? He said, thought I recognised that voice. right, hello. I said, hi, how are you? He said, thought I recognised that voice.

You're on the Frank Skinner show, aren't you? No. I went, well, he's got my name, to be fair, as well. Do you think he'd Googled you? I said, I brace myself for the compliments, as one does. I went, yeah, yeah, it's me, it's me, you got me there. He went, yeah, don't really like it. Oh.

Well. I said, right. Said like it oh well I said right said exactly like that I said right I can believe that he said well this is where it gets worse I love Frank Skinner

oh I love Frank Skinner I say it out but obviously delighted I'm warming to him now delighted yeah

I've stopped basically I've stopped listening now I love Frank skinner but that show i just don't get it oh yeah it just doesn't work for me what he meant was i just don't work what he meant was he couldn't swim sorry i'm just it's an advert from the early 70s the atmosphere went very frosty after that i bet bet it did, yeah. He said, don't worry, no offence, love. Why bring it up? No offence.

No offence. Masses of offence. Yeah. He said something offensive. He said, I'm picking up a celebrity tomorrow. Oh. Not Phil Spencer. Anthony Costa from Blue.

No, was it? I said, oh, yeah. I said, are you a fan of his work? I kept coming out with these little jabs. Yeah. I really didn't like him. And then he started talking about foreigners. He said, I like a fan of his work? I kept coming out with these little jabs. Yeah. I really didn't like him. And then he started talking about foreigners. He said, I like Anthony Costa, but blue.

I didn't get it. He talked about foreigners. He said, we were talking about Paolo Di Canio and his slightly mental behaviour this week. Yeah. And he said something weird as well about the football. He said, does your fella take you? Oh.

I had asked to go to 1973, to be fair. But he said, then he was saying, he said, yeah, he said, the thing is, trouble with him, he's employed too many foreigners. I said, well, he is a foreigner. Yeah. That's where you've misunderstood a crucial element here. Italian signs, Italians, shock. He said, yeah, it's a problem with these foreigners.

Yeah, isn't it? And I thought, you know what, I'm so glad this man doesn't like our show. Well. I don't want to write him off for that. I think to me, you know, nobody's perfect. Let's face it. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio. Come on, come on, talk to me. Well, I was about to read out a text from some character who says, I hate to bug the trend, but I always listen in my pants. Is that OK? I think that's fine. It's fine.

By the way, good morning, Emily. I make nice tea. Nice. Smooth. How many of us can say that? I make great tea. I make nice tea. Nice. Smooth. How many of us can say that? I make great tea. I make good tea. And if I was a civilian now, like a Joe Public, I'd probably be listening in my boxer shorts.

I don't think I'd be listening. As you know, I prefer a boxer shorts, but when doing sporting activities, I like to be held. Something I've mentioned on here before. I just feel like it's worth reminding you. I'm fine. You know, I have a special harness. Jockstrap?

No, no, it's a bit beyond that. Oh, is it? It's more structured. It's a bit like that... It's not a million miles away from that thing that Hannibal Lecter wears. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Anyway. Talking of pants. Yeah. Well, pants over trousers. Did you see that Superman guy? Well, I say Superman. He's had surgery to make himself look like Superman. Oh, yeah.

I thought he'd done rather a splendid job. Not that... It's a bit hard to say what Superman looks like. Yeah. Because even in the comics, he's looked several different ways. And then in the films, as you say, there's been a few of them. Yeah. I mean, does he look like George Reeves?

No. No. He's had 19 different surgeries. Yes. We should say his name's Herbert Chavez. He's 35. And the tabloids have been very interested in him. I think it's because his name is Chavez.

I think the tabloids are interested in him. Well, he only ever wore the one shirt. Did he? The red shirt, yeah. But 19 operations to look like. He's from the Philippines as well. What he should have gone for, if it had been much cheaper, would be to look like. It's from the Philippines as well. What he should have gone for, it would have been much cheaper,

would be to look like Spider-Man. All he had to buy then was a bit of Velcro. Not Velcro, what do they call it? Lycra. Yeah, Lycra. Velcro. Actually, Velcro would have been good for Spider-Man. Yeah.

He could have been up the side of the building like there was no tomorrow. I mean, we're assuming that the building is covered in the other side of the Velcro there, aren't we? Well, I think they are in the Philippines. Oh, okay, yeah. It's not actually that stuff, but it's a sort of a weed. I think it's called something like Velcroni.

Oh, yeah, Velcroni. And it grows up the side. It's an Italian Velcro all over the... What about... Did you see, though? This was a bit heartbreaking. There was a video of him doing his thing. He does appearances for, you know, local shopping centres, places like that. But they play the Superman music,

but you see, he can't really do anything, he just stands there. It's pretty hard. So he poses a bit like, is it Mr Atlas? What's he called? Charles Atlas. Charles Atlas. He poses like that and then looks like he's about to take off and then doesn't. And the children's face is a bit disappointed.

Yeah, he needs to sort that out. Perhaps he could have some flight-based operations. He's got the blue contact lenses as well. Naomi Campbell. I'll tell you what he has gone for, which I like. That old-fashioned, the strand of hair that comes down the middle of the forehead. You know that? Yeah.

That's good. What's that called? Is it called like a spit-bang curl or something? There's some phrase for it, isn't there? I call it... Shut up! I thought there was. It's a bit of a Danny Zuko thing.

It always reminds me of that... Who was that northern girl in the beret who used to sing? Lisa? Stansfield. Lisa Stansfield, she had one of those, she had a very finely developed kiss curl, they call it, don't they? Oh, maybe. When people have greasing hair, I call it the smoking gun, that little bit. Right.

Oh dear. Oh dear. Are we on air yet? Frank? Oh dear Are we on air yet? Frank Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Absolute Radio Frank, I do want to return to the issue of Superman lookalike

Herbert Chavez I thought you were going to say Alan Cochran then But, before we do that Herbert Chavez. I thought you were going to say Alan Cochran then. But before we do that something quite odd happened in the last musical break because we were talking about what we were wearing around the house

it was to do with I think other listeners being naked and the cockerel reminded me. Can I say the naked listeners wouldn't be a bad Yeah. Well we've had a few texts from listeners who are naked. In fact say the naked listeners wouldn't be a bad... Yeah. Well, we've had a few texts from listeners who are naked. In fact, the naked readers, wouldn't that be a great name for a band? Yeah. Okay.

He's not sure. It's an extension of the topless book club, isn't it? So carry on. Anyway, and then the cockerel reminded me of something, a fact about you. What was the fact, cockerel? That Frank sleeps in just a pyjama top. And I know this. With nothing else.

Yeah, it's from the same school as Top Cat and Donald Duck. But if you're wearing something on top, the other stuff's so far away from your face, it doesn't seem to exist. It's not the same school. Because they look very different downstairs. Yes, but... What, cartoon ducks?

But this... Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't answer the door to parcel force. Yeah. Or room service, if you're in a hotel. Or room service. Thanks for my breakfast. One thing you haven't answered, how long is the top? Well, it depends what your perspective is, really.

Some might say too long. Most would probably say not quite long enough. Is it like a frock coat from the Victorian era? Is it that sort of thing? No, no. Oh, dear. It's sort of... How can I put this?

If you can imagine if I stood on my head and it stayed where it was, the coat, the pyjama thing, the whole thing would look a bit like a Ponton Judy show. Oh, my God. OMG. But, you know, I'm in bed. Exactly. I'm not.

That's nice for Cathy. It'll be a good 15 years before I start going out the house dressed like this. You don't ever wear slippers with that, do you? That is awful. I haven't worn slippers for a long time. I did have some. When I lived with David Baddiel, I had some Zebedee slippers. Oh, yeah.

Based on the cartoon character. Those big, stuffed slippers. But generally speaking, I associate slippers with a whole different type of person. Right. I had some Barcelona FC slippers. Oh, those sound nice. I can't...

Not highly flammable. I can't wear those You know those sort of Adidas sort of Flip-flop type things People wear around the house Yeah Oh yes, men wear those

With a robe A black waffle robe Yeah, but they're also You see It's a bit It's a bit Gary Neville It's a bit football hooligan A broad look

Is it? Those things, yeah It's on a I'm in the market But the pyjama top The nice thing with the pyjama top Is that you've got the breast pocket For anything and a broad look. Is it? Those things, yeah. So no. But the pyjama top, the nice thing with the pyjama top is that you've got the breast pocket for anything, you know, you might need in the night. You could put trousers on.

Yeah. Or pants. If I'm going to put trousers on, I might as well just stay awake all the time. Can I just say, I slept in just socks the other night. Weird. Did you? Yeah. I got in thinking, oh, in just socks the other night. Weird. Did you?

Yeah. I got in thinking, oh, these would keep my feet warm, it'd be toasty, and then I went right off, went to sleep. I think I've read recently in an article that if you keep your socks on for a little while, you go to sleep quicker, and then I thought, I'll give that a try, and I slept the whole night, nothing but socks.

Is that all you wore? Crazy. I slept in just orange and yellow hooped knee socks. Once. Did you? Yeah. What's wrong with you both? Once.

I'm immaculate when I get into bed. And a whole bunch of readers then, caught of their breath, waiting for the next bit. Are you going to tell us or not? No. OK. Well. Oh?

Well, I tell you or won't I? I tell you what, you have to think about it. I don't want you to say anything you might regret. OK. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So I think you left them saying that you were immaculate when you went to bed and now the end of this isn't going to be that you wear one of those full surgical robes, is it? When I say immaculate, I mean I'm clean to hospital standards.

It'd be great if you went to bed in scrubs, just in case. I'll tell you what I go to bed in. Do you want some background music, Chris? Yeah, go on. Okay, let me see what we've got. What does Emily go to bed in? Right, you could have played sexy music. I prefer slightly chilling.

Well, it can get slightly chilly because in the summer I wear nothing. My God, has music ever been synchronised quite as well as that. But then, in the winter, and this is already starting, I won't lie, I'll wear a T-shirt. Okay. Sometimes a nightie. I do have PJs. A nightie still exists. Well, it's more like a nice camisole thing. Okay. More

negligee. You wouldn't wear a baby doll. Okay. And I definitely wouldn't wear a pyjama top without a bottom. I'd be more inclined to wear the bottom without the top, if I'm honest. Okay. No. Okay. But never mind that.

But what about the piece de resistance on the feet? Well, occasionally, in both seasons, I will sometimes wear a moisturising sock. What I'll do is put a... Let me stop you there. A moisturising sock. Yes. I'll put a face mask on my foot, and then I'll cover it...

Face mask on your foot? Yeah. Really immerse it in the moisture overnight, and then I'll put the moisturising sock... get them from the body shop for about £8, or then you could go more upscale. Other body things are available. Ooh, £8, eh? Or about £40 to £50 if you want the Fulon Kashmir moisturising sock.

Ooh! Their feet will be like silk faint the next morning. Well, I've always dreamt of silk feet. I like the idea of selling them with spices in the Middle East. You'll want to buy some silk feet. Aren't they only silk for about ten minutes, then? Then you walk about the house and suddenly they're... My feet are more Robert Kilroy silk.

Yeah, you've got quite nice feet, Frank. They used to be great, but they're becoming... They're taking on the sort of tortoise-like kind of pace at the base. Like Man United. They used to be great. Yeah, not so good at the back. But what about the mask, then? What is that? It's intended for the face, but I drenched the foot in it,

because I want it to soak up all that moisture. So what moisture did you put on there? Fantastic. Like baby lotion or cream or what? foot in it because I want it to soak up all that moisture. So what moisture did you put on there? Like, fantastic. Like, baby lotion or cream or what? This is getting too technical. This is starting to get, I didn't like that question. It was sordid. It wasn't sordid.

Tell me about the cream you are. Come on, come on. I mean, come on. No, let's keep it jolly. It was information gathering. Yeah, I know it was. I know it was. People want answers.

It's the police. Can we get back to Superman? I can't breathe. Okay. Well, we had a thing recently where we all had a conversation about who we would like to look like celebrity-wise. And Superman did not come up. But the moment Emily asked me, which celebrity would you like to look like, Cockrell,

I answered Ryan Gosling way too readily. You did. And everybody sort of looked up as if to go, oh, I see, you've thought about this in some detail. Exactly, that's something you've been daydreaming about. Yeah. Can I say, what a fine choice. Yeah.

I was really impressed by that. Who did you choose? You're nine million miles away, Cockrell. Thank you, thank you. But that's what he's thinking, isn't it? I am about a million miles away. The Cockerell being a complete skin flint, he's thinking, what?

Which celebrity can I get to in the least amount of surgical moves? Well, if I wanted to save money on procedures, obviously it would be Leslie Joseph. Yeah. However, given that I'm happy to splash the cash, read the procedures, I'd go, well, I did say in this discussion, Abby Clancy, didn that I'm happy to splash the cash Yeah With the procedures I'd go, well I did say in this discussion Abby Clancy Didn't I?

You did But I think I might change that Because I like her but I'm not sure about her at the moment Okay I would go for Mila Kunis Nice Okay Frank Skinner?

Um, for me I can't quite decide between No, I was saying I'd like to look like her as well Okay Um, for me, I can't quite decide between... No, I was saying I'd like to look like him as well. Oh, OK. I would, uh, some either abs... LAUGHTER ..or, um... It's from a party! Yeah.

Either abs or George Orwell. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us, 8-12-15. Tweet us at Frank on the Radio. Email us, the Absolute Radio website. Edburn, do you know what I'd like to know from our lovely readers?

We've been talking about who we'd like to look like. Now, I've gone Mila. No, went ryan ryan gosling and frank went abs or george orwell or george orwell yeah abs i like the way abs has become a new age character and he's got um he's got he looks like he's a mystic guru of some kind and does he? His whole facial structure seems to take on a little tiny beard. And also, I don't know how quick his hair grows, but he seems to go from thick hair to shaved hair, back to thick hair in a trice. That's good. George Orwell, I've always liked very short back and sides.

You have, actually, a bit W.H. Auden. Yeah, and I've dreamt, really, of a tash. I don't know if I can do a strong enough one, but a little tash. You know, a sort of Peaky Blinder look. Be a little bit careful with tashes. Do you know what I mean? Just unfortunate connotations in so many areas of history. Well, like I always say, I didn't know.

I liked ice skating until about three years ago. Never closed the door. What else? What about going to Email Corner? I think that's a lovely idea. I'll tell you one thing about the Superman. He had pec implants. I have fantasised about that in the past.

Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Why don't you just get one of those suits? They have them. They come ready-made with them. I know, but... That's what he's done, isn't it? I have got the classic pirate yarn sunken chest. And it would be lovely one day to be able to put a T-shirt on

with a slogan on and read the whole thing. Instead of the horrible sort of dilated... So I would... If I was going to have any surgery done... Here's a good text. If I was going to have any surgery done, here's a good text. If I was going to have any surgery done, I think I'd go heart bypass. No, I'd go for a pec implant. Lovely. What am I doing?

I'd go straight to calf muscles, big Henry VIII calf muscles. Oh, you don't need those. Honestly, I'd get them so big they'd distort the rest of my legs. Never mind the 501s that I can't get over my thighs. I'd get calf muscles so big I couldn't wear skinny jeans. No, I hate that. No, don't do that.

I'd love that. I really hate that. You know when you see someone in jeans and the calf area is really, really taut. It's a bit Gordon Ramsay, that. No. It's a bit Missing Link. Let's hear it. It's the creaking at 9am. Not bothering me, but I've got a bad sacrilege,

so that's like the music of my life, that. Just hearing that clicking. He's been standing up i have yeah uh re your show july 6 2013 frank asked the question do many buddhists listen to the show i'm pleased to say i wasn't one of our best textings i like it he's a buddhist i'm pleased to say i'm a buddhist who listens to the show regularly on a podcast. Why did you say Buddhist? It's Buddhist. Buddhist. You said Buddhist as well. Both of you.

Buddhist. It's not Buddhist. Well, you want me to say Buddhist. Yeah, he worships Buddha. Is that how you want me to say it? I would say Buddhist. I'm pleased to say I'm a Buddhist. Have you ever read a Buddhist ripper? One of those.

They're quite violent actually. Can a Buddhist text in and tell us whether it's Buddhist or Buddhist? I think, I know some people say Buddhist. I say Buddhist from now on now. Let's call the whole thing an Eastern religion. Potato, potato I always say. And

I'm a Buddhist who listens to the show regularly on podcast, Buddhist, and find it very amusing he's added in brackets there. That sounds even more dull than I'm a Buddhist. And I like a good book about it. So there is at least one of us, he continues. Dalai Lama. Read the suitability of the show for Buddhist listeners. Strictly speaking, such entertainment as your show,

whilst being of undeniable quality and wit... Are you listening, taxi drivers? Undeniable quality and wit should be appreciated sparingly, as according to the Buddha's teachings, time is always better spent seeking inner peace through quiet contemplation and reflection. I know what... There's a Buddhist saying, isn't there? You don't judge a dog as a good dog because it's a good barker.

Is that right? Is that right? And human beings being the same. Just because someone can come on here and make silly noises with their larynx doesn't make them an important person. But I've got to say to you, it's... What's the name of this Buddhist? He's called Andy. He continues. Sorry about that. Anyway,

there's not many things I prefer, brackets, wasting my time, close brackets, doing speech comments, than listening to your show. It's great. That's another thing about the Buddhists. They reckon there's no such thing as wasted time, do they? Is that right? Yeah. Oh, that's good to know. To me, it it feels like a caveat if more of them listen to this they might um they

might reform that opinion the dog thing if you think about it the dog you don't do it a dog by whether it's a good barker is basically the buddhists have taken a sort of anti-banter stance. Yeah. And I mean, if you took banter out of life, what would we have left? I like it, though. But, you know, it's not easy to talk about inner peace on here when you know the kings of Leon are just around the corner. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

We've had a text in. This is from Alexander671, he calls himself. OK. What surgery would I have? Without a doubt, a hair transplant. My mum's dad lost his hair when he was 19. I'm 14, so may only have five years left with my precious locks. That's Alexander671.

Does it work, that skipping a generation boldness thing? I think it is your mum's dad, isn't it? All I would say, Alexander, is when I was about 14, I was very aware of my hair. A lot of hair in the comb. A lot of hair used to stop up the sink when I washed my hair. And I thought, I'm definitely, definitely going bald. Really?

I'm now 56. You've still got your hair thought I'm definitely, definitely going bald. Really? I'm now 56. You've still got your hair, love. Yeah, it's lovely. It's lustrous. I'm like a big lion. So don't give up yet, Alexander. And also, apparently women really like

bald men. Sorry, I thought I could get through that without... Sorry, everyone. I mean, I loathe my hair. I think it's really boring. I loathe your hair as well. It looks like the hair of an eight-year-old. It's really boring.

That's so bad manners. Nobody's got no product in it. You know, it's like he hasn't discovered product yet. I came here on my bike and I just couldn't be bothered putting product in before. I just thought, I'm going to put a hat on for the cycle. I like, he got very upset that whenever Daisy and I discussed, which we were earlier, we said, our conversation topic was,

how do you like Cockerell's hair best, Daisy? I think Cockerell has to endure a certain amount of sexual harassment at work. I really like this look, this kind of look, cockerel. Yeah, and the way you say cockerel with the emphasis in the wrong stress line. I'm sorry, cockerel. Yeah. If we started doing that, you know,

if we started saying that, I'd love it. I wish you would. As my face atrophies, I caught myself the other day, because I'm getting eye wrinkles, and I thought it'd be good when I need to wear glasses. They'll hide those. And then I thought it'd be good when I go bald,

because I won't have to deal with not liking my hair. But I don't think I'm going to go bald. And I quite like a beard, and it'd be a very low-maintenance face with the glasses, a bald head, and perhaps a stubbly beard. That's a good idea. But i realized that essentially what i've thought is that i'd like to look like moby you know there's a bit of stubble and thick glasses yes moby is the look i'm going for he's a buddhist isn't he i don't know what he is, really. I think he might be. Yeah, he will have.

Can I say, by the way, glasses don't cover eye wrinkles. Don't they? I used to think that. Oh. You need at least, at the very least, a low-ranger mask. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had an email in, Frank, from Kelly.

She says, yeah, she says, I'm always jealous when people, usually ladies, write in and they have a song with their name in. Most recently, Amanda, as Frank then sings that song. Amanda. Stuart Gillis. As far as I know, no, but thanks for the tip, there is only one song with my name in it,

and it's about a man called Ned Kelly, which Frank did sing when I wrote him once before. Did I? I've always wanted a great song with my name in it. Oh, did you? I don't think I know a song about Ned Kelly. Well, apparently you sung it. Does she mean, has anybody here seen Kelly?

Maybe she does. But that's it. Yeah, that's has anybody here seen Kelly? Maybe she does. That's it? Yeah, that's not, that's about a man from, I'll give you, tell you why it goes, has anybody here seen Kelly? K-E-L-L-Y, has anybody here seen Kelly? And this is the bit which I think makes it clear that it's not Ned Kelly, the Australian outlaw.

Kelly from the Isle of Man. Yeah, that is... I bet there are songs about of Man. Yeah, that is... I bet there are songs about Ned Kelly. Yeah, but you didn't sing one. There's a good book about Ned Kelly, isn't there? There's a film with Mick Jagger, I believe. Is it? Yes. Now, anyway,

Kelly's not done. Is that the Ned Kelly shop closed? Ned Kelly merch. I've got a Ned Kelly key ring. Have you? Just the metal mask. You know, he wore like a tin pot over his head. Oh, yeah, I used to have nightmares about him when I was a kid.

Him and, uh, who was the other one? Lou Reed. Ned Kelly and Lou Reed. Yeah. Unhappy bedfellows, as it turned out. Yeah. I've always wanted... That's because Ned Kelly only wore a pyjama jacket.

And the mask. Yeah, carry on, Kelly. I've always wanted a great song with my name in it, like my sister Deborah. I instead put my name into songs and pretend it's Kelly instead, such as Mandy and Kayleigh. Have the team ever heard of a song I'm in? Lots of love, one of your regulars, Kelly. I don't know any Kelly.

Where does Kelly's Eye come from? Because there was Kelly's Eye, it was a comic strip, but I always thought it must have been something before that. Have you heard of the phrase Kelly's Eye? No. They used to say at the bingo call-in when I was a kid. We used to go to the Catholic bingo. Oh, yeah.

Is that the one where your dad said he'd kill the man if he found out he was cheating? No, no, that was the balls. Oh, sorry, I do get confused with which gambling you were doing that week. It was just me and my mum went to the Catholic bingo. Some weeks she had two books. What happened if you were Protestant and you turned up? Well, it'd be difficult because the whole thing was in Latin. Oh, OK.

No, it wasn't. The cockerel went for that. Really brilliant. But they used to say, they used to say, Kelly's eye, number one. Oh, yeah. And then they had another man

who decided he was going to move on and he used to go, Kelly's optic, number one. Eh? Clever. So, but if anyone knows the origin of Kelly's eye I'd love to hear it

I'm not being rude about the woman who texted in by the way I'm just what about Kelly the elephant packed to her trunks that's a good option

yeah there's also you know my sister Kelly she's she sang loads of songs that got in the charts did she

yeah R. Kelly. I'm just going to go to the next song now because we can't top that. I want to come back to Kelly because I've just thought of another song. Okay. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We're still with Kelly Yeah Who is bemoaning the fact that she doesn't have any songs with Kelly in it

But Kelly, cheer up Because we've had a few text-ins from the listenership, the readers 871 says, hey guys, what about Kelly's Heroes by Black Grape? There you go. I don't know that. It's got Kelly in it. And I've got the greatest hits. And 967 said I did a song called Kelly Watched the Stars.

Check it out, Kelly. I love the fact that Kelly hasn't Googled. No, I do love that. I love it when people don't Google. Like, I could Google Kelly's Eye and find out where it comes from I'm not doing it I'm simply not doing it

I don't know how much this helps but I used to go to an Indian pub in Langley Green in the West Midlands and there used to be I'm going to slightly do the voice here but I think it'll be alright because it's a musical I feel tense Let's just take it honestly I'm going to slightly do the voice here, but I think it'll be all right because it's a musical. OK. There used to be a song... I feel tense.

The song, yeah. Let's just take... Honestly, it's OK. The song used to go, Charlie, Kelly, Kelly, Charlie, Kelly, Kelly, Charlie, Kelly, Kelly, Charlie, Kelly. And I don't know if they were actually saying Charlie, Kelly, but that's what it sounded like.

Right. So we can... Charlie, our new assistant producer, and Kelly could share that in a fabulous sounded like. Right. So we can, it'd be, Charlie, our new assistant producer, and Kelly could share that in a fabulous two-hander. Oh, congratulations. The songs on the jukebox. You must be so, feel so blessed. They were sort of Bollywood songs,

and the endings on them were, I may have mentioned this before on the show, but I was always fascinated. They sort of go, Charlie Kelly, that was how they ended. It's like the engineer had gone where's the scissors

this is long enough now they're not fans of the fade no they were anti-fade so yeah Charlie Kelly so we've got

Charlie Kelly Kelly's Heroes what's the other one by Air a song by Air we can't remember all these things anyway that's all

Kelly Watch the Stars Kelly Watch the Stars. Kelly Watch the Stars. Those have got loads of stuff. And there's no songs with Alan, by the way. Especially with a U, like mine is spelled Alan. It's not very... It's not. It's not a very romantic name, though.

The nearest I can think of is You Can Call Me Al. Oh, yeah, that's good. And that's the closest. Oh, you're lucky to have that. Bonnie, can you spare me a dime? No. No, i can't yeah that would be during the record that would not be a good song for you

can i just say the least surprising answer of the decade but do you know that song when he says uh say don't you remember you called me out when it was out all the time oh no i don't mean that one i meant the paul simon one okay me too yeah there's loads, I don't mean that one. It must be one. I meant the Paul Simon one, didn't I? Yeah, me too. Yeah. There's loads of Emilys. There's that one. Alan, you are so beautiful.

Oh, that's nice. Alan, you look like Fallon from Falcon's Crest. Are you okay? It's called my song. What's Fallon in Falcon's Crest. Are you OK? It's called my song. What's Fallon in Falcon's Crest? No, she's in Dynasty. Oh, that's why that song never caught on. And it's called Falcon Crest.

Anyway, we found a few... Oh, was it? The whole thing was awful. We come up with some answers for Kelly. It seems on reflection. Some people want to fill the world with Kelly love songs. What's wrong with that?

I'd like to know. Come on. So here I go. Here I go again. Charlie, Kelly, Kelly. Anyway, look, we can carry on like this all day. They let us. It's the amazing thing about it.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I'm creaking now, Frank. Comes to us all. Creaking bedfellows. Hey, what about... Is that like Peaky Blinders? Which I just said I didn't watch. Yes.

I think you should say the full thing. No, I'm not going to say what I said. Daisy said, did you watch Peaky Blinders, Emily? And Emily said... Emily said... No! Do you want me to do it? I can play you.

You do it. Do I look like I watch Peaky Blinders? Oh, that's a bit northern, isn't it? Yeah. Do I look like I watch Peaky Blinders? And then... I've got £1,000 shoes on. They're not really £1,000.

No, don't try and dig your way out of it. It's all right. About £680. It's fine. Gary and Woolwich... Primark? Unless you get a discount, don't you? Yeah, Primark.

See what you could have got in Primark for £680. That would have been your clothes for the rest of your life. I think you'll find that would have been a management buyout technically Gary and Woolwich says what about Mother Kelly's doorstep? There you go if you don't mind the mother bit on the front

On Mother Kelly's doorstep I thought I'd put in a bit of Cockney. Lovely. He then inserts praise, which I won't read out. Got a little hole in her sock. Hole in her shoe.

Hole in her frock. Hole in her shoe. Hole in her sock where her toe peeps through. Not in these shoes. This price. Speaking of socks, we were talking about when we sleep, what we sleep in before. In moisturising socks. I don't moisturise in socks. I don't. I sometimes

moisturise my socks, but not deliberately. What I do is, I don't actually like sleeping in socks. I find them constricting. You know what I mean? I feel trapped. So what I'll do is I'll sleep in socks and then when I wake up in the night, I'll kick them off.

Yeah. And the feeling of, oh, it's like when Mandela came out. It is. It's not. It is. It's exactly like that. In fact, it is. For me, it's a bigger deal.

Hang on. No disrespect, but I'm being honest. None taken, I'm sure. No. Do the socks. It was great when he came out, but it's not like. None taken, I'm sure. No. Do the socks. It was great when he came out, but it's not like when you kick your socks off at midnight. How horrible for Kath, though.

Horrible little socks at the end of the bed. Kath's socks are everywhere. Are they? Kath wears those trainer socks. Yes, she does. I've seen them. They're all over the house, everywhere. Like mouse droppings. Yeah, they are, like white mouse droppings.

If you can imagine that, a big mouse with sort of hollowish, flaccid droppings open at one end. Sponsored by a sports company. Yeah. I think they're Primark as well, actually. Oh, God. We like to support as many sweatshops as we can. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've sashayed back towards email corner, haven't we? I've got an email to read out. I've got misgivings about the opening line. Misgivings would be a great name for a prime whisk. Hi, Frank. Divine Miss M and the FQ Cockerel. What does that mean?

I don't know. Fairly cute? Yeah, that's probably what it is. OK. Last week you were talking about a man who dressed all in silver, including face paint, and Frank referred to him as his silver nemesis. Was this a deliberate reference to the title of Doctor Who's 25th anniversary story? Oh, fine. See, I have a

suspicion about you and this sort of thing. I didn't know. I think you drop this sort of thing into casual conversation all the time. No, I don't. I really disapprove. I mean, that was. That one was, I must admit. But I really disapprove of that. I mean, Chris Packham is a lovely bloke from Country Far. But remember, he used to do

Smith's titles every week. Oh, did he? And I can't... I've seen footballers do it in interviews. Yeah. They have to get, like, Phil Collins' titles in or something. And I find it... It's a bit, um...

It's a bit, oh, shut your face. Do you want to alter? Because that's what I say to the telly when people do it. Oh, shut your face when I realise. So I did do it last week, but it was a lapse. OK. And I apologise for it. And I'm not going to...

Can I say as well, he wasn't my nemesis, because he sounded like a... He was a strange character, wasn't he, who lived outside a town? Yeah. Came down, made a slight nuisance of himself, and then went back home again. So he wasn't a nemesis. He was more of a sort of...

I suppose a sort of nightmare in silver. Is that another one? Yeah, that will be. Oh, it is. Oh, it's so wasted on us, isn't it? It's weird. Can I ask a question? Speaking of spray.

Oh. Yeah. Sophie Alice Baxter. Yes. Is doing... Yes. She's doing Strictly. Yes, she is.

Now, I didn't see Strictly last night, did any of you? Oh, I did. Now, the thing on Strictly, I was once in the dressing room at Strictly. Were you? Yes, I remember you telling me. Most glamorous place I've ever been in my life. It was like being in a fabulous fairy tale. Lovely ladies, but they were in sparkly gold dresses

and their eyelashes drip diamonds it was just amazing but everybody everybody had been spray tanned yeah now what i've always respected about so and as you know we did have we had a bit of a moment sophie and i you You did. You did. So tread carefully, my friend. Yes. But what I'm saying, now this is complimentary to her, she's always gone for that very pallid sort of goth. I don't say pallid. Pallid sounds negative.

No, no. Just say pale. No, she's took that decision now to have the sort of goth thing. Yeah. Has she given in and gone golden brown what's i wasn't doing it has she gone uh golden brown for uh for scd not so far that i've seen uh that's quite she's gonna stand out she'll be like a one on a one blank domino oh yeah yeah because everybody's golden brown on i mean that's just the way they do it. Good old Sophie.

I'm backing her now. Okay. Although you can't be watching, saying, I hope the white one wins. You know what I mean? That's going to be, unless you give the full explanation of what you're talking about,

you're going to get yourself an awful reputation. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. I've got almonds in my teeth. We all have. We've all had a bit of... Almonds in my teeth, I know. You call them almonds? I struggle to do that silent L that people do.

You know how people, super confident people do it? You struggle with Buddhist? Buddhist. You do. What about Moby? Moby? I like Moby. How else can you say it?

Moby. Moby's Moby. I'm happy with it. Do you know what I want to talk about? What about these newsreaders? Have you noted them? Yes. Basically, there's been a bit of an incident

at the BBC News Headquarters, HQ. You know when they do the news and they have those glass-panelled affairs so you can see the innards? Yes. A bit like Dickie Davis' World of Sport used to have it. Someone would occasionally bring on a white phone or something. But nowadays, all the innards are exposed 24-7.

So apparently, what's been happening, there's been a bit of a scandal because they've been in full view of everyone. They've been having fights with umbrellas. They were using them as pretend lightsabers, apparently, whilst they were reporting a flood. Yeah, but can I stop you there? You can.

That to me seems as a fabulous reflection of what life's all about. That a man is talking about this awful flood in the foreground and in the background there's two other men with umbrellas pretending they're lightsabres and acting the goat. Yeah. Now, I don't know if you've ever seen any of Bruegel's paintings, but if you take, for example, The Fall of Icarus... One of my faves.

Yeah. You've got this boy falling out of the sky because he's flown too close to the sun in his false wings, and they've melted. And it says The Fall of Icarus. When you look at it, you think, hold on, where's Icarus? It's just like a scene with people ploughing and people generally

knocking around, you know, every day. And then in one corner, you just see a foot disappearing into the... Oh, is that right? And the whole point, you know, is we think they're major tragedies to us, but life goes on. Life always goes on. So there you go. That's nice for the relatives of the survivors. No, but the goes on. Life always goes on. So there you go.

That's nice for the relatives of the survivors. No, but the BBC News, that reflects that. I think there's a W.H. Auden poem and it says as the crucifixion's happening, the torturous horse is scratching its behind against a tree. Life goes on.

Okay. The thing that surprised me about all this... It's his absolute radio. Life goes on! Okay. The thing that surprised me about all this... It's his absolute radio. Life goes on, apparently. The Daily Mail found the time to print an anti-BBC story. That seems strange. Maybe they've got some kind of weird space in the

paper, because they wouldn't normally do that. There's only like ten or eleven a day. And I do think they're being a bit harsh on the BBC. One of their complaints is that somebody in the background was stretching at their desk. I don't like that. They were not allowed to stretch.

They were actually playing stretch with a pair of compasses. Did you ever do that? When you used to have to find you have to stretch your legs further and further and further. But they also said there were people chomping on bananas. Which is fine as well. I think they mean eating bananas, don't they? They said chomping.

You can't eat a banana in the workplace. Next year's Wimbledon will be different. Yes. It is. And what about the monkey house? Yeah, I don't know if they consider that their work. Well, they're starting. That's crazy.

They're entertainers by nature. That's their tax bracket. But it reminds me, this thing, this fabulous juxtaposition of the tragic and the light-hearted. Yeah. When I hosted the Brits... That's very similar. As my career crumbled, people were coming up.

I died. People were coming up and getting awards, and it was like one of the highlights of their career whereas I was like Yossarian at the end of Catch-22 walking down the street with a sailor punching a courtesan and a man whipping a fallen horse, so the two

as my career went down there rose upward and it was all together just like on the news you know what I'm talking about? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Now these BBC characters, the newsroom, backroom staff, they've complained. Yeah.

You see, they've said, we feel like pandas in a zoo. Well, quite right too. Not many of them about the... Well also, they don't grope. They're a bit true love-waits, pandas, aren't they? They don't know anything, do they? Well, put it this way, you're not going to get to first base on a first date with them. Pandas do even less than the Buddhists, don't they?

The Buddhists aren't doing a lot. They've barely even got time to listen to this podcast. Well, the Buddhists have to be careful that they don't stand on anything. Why don't they commit to the intimates, the pandas? What is that about? I don't know. Nothing's black and white, is it? Ha ha! Also, aren't we now supposed to call them panda base?

Are we? That's what I've been told. Oh, I didn't know that. What? Yeah. Political correctness gone mad. What are we going to think? That they're panda dogs or something? Also, who said that?

They're PRs. Apparently, you know, they are bears and we've sort of forgotten that by calling them pandas. Right. So I'm just telling you, don't look, don't shoot the messenger. As they used to say on that radio, that Channel 5

show with Ian Wright and Melinda Messenger. Oh, did they? Wrighty and Messengery. It was one of ours. Messy. They probably called her Messy, didn't they? Yeah. Like Wrighty and Messy. I mean, I feel for the BBC staffs that are behind the screen all carrying on with their job, forgetting that they're a bit on screen.

One of the other things that the Daily Mail had a go at them about is that apparently there was someone who appeared to be nose picking in the background. Now, I think it's one of the incontrovertible truths of life that it's okay to pick your nose behind a glass screen. Can I say this is not absolute official policy, this is a personally held opinion. Oh my, oh my. But, you know, you see it all the time when two trains are next to each other, someone in the other carriage, they know they're being watched, but they're through a glass screen, so it's fine.

People in cars are always picking their nose because there's glass there. I thought it was just a thing that you're allowed to pick on. When you say people, you mean yourself? Yeah, and others. But I've seen others do it. I don't mind having a good dig in there. Oh, no.

If I thought I'd lunch. Sick, making me feel sick. But I think the BBC should be allowed to pick their nose if they're on the other side of the screen. That's all I'm saying, Daily Mail. It's about something where you thought that. It's like when you get those pocket watches with the glass back so you can see all the clock.

Some people really like that, you know. You do? I'm not... We've got a... We've got a kettle, a see-through kettle. Oh, yes. And, you know, I don't want to know about all that stuff that gets on the inside of a kettle.

You know, out of sight, out of mind. I don't want to see that white stuff. I want to eat the bacon sandwich. I don't want to see the pig being slaughtered. Exactly. Yeah. If I had a choice, I'd probably watch the pig being slaughtered. Rather than water boil.

Yeah, but it's less fattening and something I think you can tell people about forever. I had a pair of black chiffon boxer shorts. Are we going back onto what you sleep in? No, I'm on about seeing the workings. Oh, yeah. And I found that some people, you know, went for it and some people, you know, they didn't want to know the...

It was a bit like, they used to put them on and then, like, Mike Yarwood, I'd go, and this is me. And he didn't always get the response I dreamt of. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, er, we've discussed my sacroiliac

problem in the previous weeks and a few people... Is it better now? Better-ish? It's improving. We should say the cockerel stands up during the music. He does that to be a shock jock. I keep thinking, yeah, he's going to boogie. No, he doesn't.

It's okay, it's improving, and I just want the people that have texted in previous weeks saying, you don't have to be a martyr to it, stretch and do this, it's fine. Yes, that's what I'm doing. But I've also been doing a bit of swimming. The osteopath said to me, oh, you could swim but don't do too much breaststroke. That'll aggravate it.

Do front crawl. Now, I, as you know, I'm not a dynamic go-getter. I've had... Well, yes, that's the part you predict to the world. Exactly. I, all right, I am a dynamic go-getter in sheep's clothing. I have had on my sort of mental to-do list to improve my front crawl for perhaps 20, 30 years.

Really? Yeah, I just think it's one of those things, I'd like to be good at front crawl, so I've only found a woman and I've been having a few lessons in swimming. So not to learn to front crawl, but... No, in some way inspired by Mr Frank Skinner's learning to swim, I've gone to... I googled something like swimming improvement classes.

So you're fine-tuning your front crawl. I'm fine-tuning, but it feels a bit weird if you can swim. It's lovely to have that much spare time. I know. I've got me back-to-back holidays out the way. I might fine-tune my front crawl. A little insight into the Cockerell's diary there. I've made the time for it in order to improve my back. It seems like, well, this is the

perfect time. If it's going to help, then I'll do it. So I made, I cleared my schedule. Good on you. I've turned down Room 101 so many times this week, it's untrue. I didn't like the sad noise from Daisy there. I have put in, I have put, I keep putting a word in for you. It's okay, we talked about it before. They laugh in my face. It's okay, we talked about it before. They laugh in my face.

Well, wait till I can swim better, they'll really book me then, won't they? Can we just stop talking about this? But you had swimming lessons, and you also... Yeah, but I was going from... Zero to hero. Zero to hero. He didn't even do doggy paddles.

One of the things I know about you is, before working with you on this little show, I heard you on Desert Island Discs saying that you... Yeah, I had to get a boat. I couldn't swim there. I heard you say that you think a person should always be having lessons in something. Yeah, he does. I do agree with that, yeah.

Now, if we take that... That's what he says to his friends in the S&M community. The lessons I've had over the years are actually mildly depressing. I've had, like, physical training lessons and various forms of fighting lessons, and now I'm having swimming lessons, but no, like, musical instruments or foreign languages or cookery, nothing. What does that say about me?

I've done ukuleleulele guitar we've both done ice skating horse riding ice skating drawing french german really can we mention the tango tango and salsa oh no oh god yeah i've uh i've done ice skating oh we did that together did you? we did, we went to Orville and Dean well, Dean I never really sorted it out what? the ice skating

did you get better? I'm quite good I'm just rubbish we've already established I've got a low centre of gravity, so I'm good at movement. That really helped. Like, what's his name? Definitely like.

It was like, I had... She just went along on her bottom, and I ran in front of her with a brush, doing the ice. Oh, good. She went for miles. You strike me as something of a butterfly man. No.

No? That would be bad for your back, wouldn't it? It would. It would at this stage, I think. Who does butterfly? It's such a show-off one, isn't it? It's really physically taxing, isn't it? That's why they do it, to show that they can.

I just, does this count? On my audio, you know I listen to an audio book on a regular basis. I've just done 30, listened to 36 half-hour lectures on the history of the Roman Catholic Church. Hmm, aren't they? Yeah. I don't think that counts as swimming. No, it's a lesson, isn't it? And I'd gone into the office that I was working at,

and the receptionist said, oh, what are you listening to? And I said, 36 half-hour lectures on the history of the Roman Catholic Church. And she said, oh, God, I'm listening to that as well. I said, you are really? And she went, no. And I really was impressed by that joke. I completely fell for it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We're talking about having lessons in stuff. Yeah, and I think once I've fixed the old swimming front crawl, I'll just do purely front crawl, but then I might go on to cookery classes. You know, you say I am a high-achieving go-getter. If you get ones that are near to a canal. I could do that. No, I couldn't do that.

I don't know if I'd like swimming outdoors in the wet suit. Does this count? I've just paid for lessons for my child. No. Okay. I take him. To do what? To do the swimming lessons?

To swim. That doesn't count. I took him yesterday, and there's only one of the dad in the group. And basically, Boz, who's my child, he didn't like it yesterday. He cried quite a lot. And everybody was giving me that, oh, for goodness sake.

It's like me on the plane when they cry. Yeah. But anyway, I went into the men's changing rooms. And there's a place, it says family changing area. So I went in there and there was some clothes hanging up. And I thought, okay, so I'll hang mine up in there. And then it was me and the other dad ending up in there changing our babies. And it was a bit cramped in there.

And after, he didn't, he never spoke to me at all. There were two men in a small room with their babies. He never spoke. And then he says, he's American, he said, I guess this place isn't really designed for two people, is it? Yeah. Oh. And I said...

He's saying, I can't stop, this is my room now. No, what I thought he meant, me being something of a naive from the halfway line, is that I thought he was commenting on the design of the room. So I said, anyway, I said it, but we're doing pretty well, though. I thought he was as well. What did he mean? But after, I don't think he was, I think what he meant was, why are you in here?

We've cleaned the sunny room for one and I was here first. Yeah, I think that's exactly what he meant. Yeah, and that would suggest is, so next week, Kat says, look, you know, I think Boz sometimes picks up your... Because you're still a bit uncertain in the water after years of, you know, being terrified. Oh, he picks up the fear. He picks up on that.

So next week, I'll go in with him. And I said, I think that's a really good idea and I think it would be better for Boz and he'd be more relaxed and he probably might learn quicker. But I don't want to not go into that little room with that man in case he thinks he's won the territory. I said, so why don't I go and get him changed

and then I'll hand him over to you. So that's my plan at the moment. Is that crazy? I think it might look a tad aggressive, darling. I don't want it to be. I was the friendly naïve. Do it to be. I was the friendly naive. Do you remember that?

I was the naive, not the aggressor. I reckon I could do that with such delicacy. I don't even touch the F. I was the naive. The naive in that situation. I enjoyed that. Slightly dislocated my neck. Let's not do it.

We can't do a text. Don't you know what time it is, young man? Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Ratings. We've had a text in, haven't we, Cochran? Would you like to do the honours? We've actually had a couple of texts in regarding the lessons.

One saying, Frank, the Cockrell says he's not done anything such as learn a foreign language, but I'd say you and Miss Emily teach him English most weeks. Buddhists today. Correct as opposed to correct. I think I did them both the same, didn't I? Yeah. Almost every other week. And then there's the odd bit of French too, like descarts.

Oh, I should probably put descarts. Is it a shingler, eh? Never bring like descarts. Oh, I should bring up descarts. Is it a she or a he? Never bring up descarts. Oh, it's Mark with a curlicue, so that could be... Mark with a what? Curlicue. Yeah, see, curlicue. What's curlicue?

What are you talking about? No, as opposed to kicking-cure. Curlicue, see. Okay. Curlicue and kicking-cure. Where were you brought up? What? No, he's teaching us.

He's telling us he's home back. Oh, is he? He's saying, no, he's teaching us. He's trying to get his own back by saying, well, I was at school more recently than you. I know some of the modern teaching methods. Well,

18 months. Hang on to that. Well, not quite so for me. We work largely on slate. We've also had a text in about your changing room

swimming pool anxiety, let's call it. My experience in the your changing room, swimming pool anxiety, let's call it. My experience in the family changing room? Yeah, yeah, the family changing room. 519, Janet has texted in, Frank, you're hilarious, it's one family at a time in the family changing room. Let's just leave it there. Hold it, one family at a time, why?

Normally we don't read praise, but I feel like you need the spoonful of sugar here. Frank, you're hilarious. It's one family at a time in the family-changing rooms, not some kind of communal family-changing Janet in Edinburgh. I have two children, so know about these sort of things. Do you know, you owe that American a very big apology. Yeah, you need to go in there... And I'm not talking about George Bush. Give him a slice of humble pie and make it a large, because...

Apple pie. And I'm not talking about George Bush. Give him a slice of humble pie and make it a large. Apple pie. So you're telling me that a man was getting challenged with his child in a private cubicle and another man came in. Yeah, in what he thought was his cubicle. And you wandered in there and just... It's a bit like last week when I was describing me using the urinal. But Janet might not be right. It's like a box in the loo when you suddenly walked in.

Yeah, and went, it's cosy in here, isn't it? And then Emily said it's not really designed for two people. But it wasn't the ladies. I mean, it was a men's changing rooms. It was in there. It's one family at a time, Frank. But what does that mean exactly? I think it means his family were in there and then's one family at a time, Frank. But what does that mean, exactly?

I think it means his family were in there and then you wandered in with yours. But it said family changing room. His family and your family on a Venn diagram. It's not meant to overlap. If you see your experience in the pool changing room the other day, there was an overlap, wasn't there? If you go into a changing room in a shop, and when it says changing room, that means that

person in there, it's their changing room. It doesn't mean you can open the curtains. What, you can't go into that? No, I wouldn't do that. It said family changing room, more than, it's a plurally kind of a word. Yeah. I'd like, if anyone's got, we're nearly done now, but if anyone could

verify this, because Janet, I think Janet might have made a mistake. You want a second opinion? I would like, if anyone's got, we're nearly done now, but if anyone could verify this, because I think Janet might have made a mistake. You want a second opinion? I would like a second opinion. I might be glad of it, because the police could be around my house at any moment. Yeah, you might press charges. We're going to sashay back to email corner. Oh, yeah.

Do you want the music? Yeah. Okay, here we go. Ready? I enjoyed that. What about this? I thought I'd just found a whole batch of jingles I forgot I had. How wonderful.

I'm still reeling from that poor man in the changing room. Poor, poor man. Next time I'll go in, I forgot I had. How wonderful. I'm still reeling from that poor man in the changing room. Next time I go in, I'll do this. Alright, alright. Imagine him going back to his wife. And this guy, I mean, you wouldn't leave. Can you believe this guy? I was in the family

changing rooms and this guy? I was in the family changing rooms, and this guy comes in? Oh, no. I think he was strung out. Yeah. You might just think that's the British way, that family changing rooms are communal here. You might get away with it.

Yeah. I still think that. It didn't say a family changing room. It found the singular. On the ladies' toilet, it doesn't say a family changing room. It found the singular. On the ladies' toilet, it doesn't say a ladies' toilet. It says ladies. No, but... Bad news, Frank.

We've just had a text from 503 saying, Janet is right, you fool. Oh, no! Frank, this is the best thing that ever happened. Oh, no. It's like in films when they get in their car and there's someone already in there. That happened to me the other day.

You shuff! A woman came out of a pub and climbed into the back of a car. Oh, yes, she did. Look, you might have to lie to your wife, but don't ever lie to me. Always lie to me. A woman got into your car. Yeah, I had parked up outside this rough pub in Leeds and she walked out and just opened the back door and then looked.

Rough pub in Leeds? She sort of put one foot into the car and then went, this isn't, this isn't, and I can't remember the name. And then she sort of got back out and I went, yeah, I'm just parking, I'm not a taxi. What's the name? Fanny Nice. I think it was something like, this isn't Janet's car.

Maybe it's the same Janet. I think she thought it was being collected by someone. That happens a lot. I know someone in fashion who did that. There was a car waiting outside her house and she opened the door, got in the back and went, carriages. And he went, I'm just parking my car. I live here. It does happen a lot. I'm so glad I'm on trend. You know what happened

with Marky Smith, of course. Yeah, of course. He got into, I think it was Badly Drawn Boys. Badly Drawn Boys car. Oh, no. And he actually drove him home, he didn't like to say. And, of course, the fabulous end to the story is he found his false teeth in the car.

Oh, God. Two days later. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is from Mr. Sibson, who calls himself Josh. I'm sorry, I'm being distracted because of the endless emails coming in, saying it's called Family Changing Room to let you know it's got more space for you and your kids, not for random strangers to join you and your family. That's Sarah in Perth. Even in Perth they know how to behave.

I don't know if that's Perth, Scotland, though. I was with my child. I don't know if that's Perth, Scotland, though. No, I know. I was with my child. I wasn't just in there with him and his... Yeah, there's definitely a rule about that. Yeah. You can't just go in there, just you. Maybe I should have just handed my child over the top

and said, change that, will you? That'd be good. Can I just say... As if it was a bureau de charge. You have one apologist, Ben in Loughborough, says, I've never thought that the family changing room was one family at a time. I've never had any complaints. There you go, Ben.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much, people. Knowles. Oh, it must have made me feel a bit tingly around the shoulders. Yeah. I've made a terrible faux pas. I'm loving it. Like a faux pas.

Some sort of a faux pas. Can we return to Mr Sibson? Yes. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I work at a school in a class of 22 six-year-olds. Last Friday, we experienced the wrath of a swarm of angry drunk wasps whilst working in our school woods. Oh, no. School woods? Yeah.

Sounds like my kind of school I went to. Within seconds, we were each covered with dozens of wasps, 13 of the children being stung several times, along with me and the teacher being stung as well. Can I just stop there? Mr Simpson and me and the teacher. So he's not the teacher? Oh, good point, actually.

I think he might be an assistant. Yeah, you're right. Classroom assistant. He couldn't possibly be the man in the white coat who used to come into the classroom with the telly and help the teacher to operate the VHS recorder. That's all he did. Like the VHS recorder was like the TARDIS,

some really complicated... There used to be a man coming in a lab coat to operate the VHS. Press play! I think he did a bit of tracking. I hope Mr Simpson is that man. I so hope so.

Anyway, we were forced to set up a makeshift hospital in the safety of the classroom. It's like mash. Little mash. But we're still being attacked. To me, that is proof that wasps are pure evil and obviously do go on drunken rampages. If you read this out

could you please tell Cherry Class how brave they were and how proud of them the whole school are. Oh, Cherry Class. Named after Cherry Gillespie, the Pans people dancer. No, well done, Cherry Class. And may I say you've lived up to your name? Because like the cherry, whilst being soft and sweet on the outside, you prove you have a hard and tough interior.

And that one day, when that's planted in soil soil it'll grow up into a beautiful tree bearing more fruit and you know what it's been a lovely sharing show today when we did that pre-recorded show and we didn't get any texts and I really missed our readers you've been marvellous

today even if slightly reprimanding towards the end ok so if the good lord spares us Marvellous today, even if slightly reprimanding towards the end. OK, so if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

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