The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Cheetah on a Horse

Episode Date: May 17, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. It has been an incredible week for Team Skinner, a Radio Academy Award and a part in Doctor Who... Listen to the team discuss both. Plus they still find time to talk Solange-gate, Morrissey in The Archers as well as a trip to Email Corner.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, should you wish. Follow the show on... What is that? Rattling. Following the show on Twitter... Oh, see, you've thrown me now completely. Me? It's a door, it's a door. Following the show on Twitter Oh, see, you've thrown me now completely Me? Follow the show on Twitter

At Frank on the Radio Or email the show via the Absolute Radio website The door's broken, Frank So it's making that noise Yeah, well, I can't help I'm not responsible for the doors No Okay

That's bought the whole thing from me Shall we just leave it here? Yeah, if you like Let's just play back to back tracks like they do on radio apparently not apparently not no no because

we've got news haven't we Frank we have we won an award this week and I don't you know I think modesty is something that one should champion but you know we did win modesty is something that one should champion. But, you know, we did win an award. I don't.

And I know that. Modesty champion is a girl I went out with at school. Is that right? No. It isn't true? What a weird liar. Weird liar. Just thought of this girl. Just a curious liar. I, um, I think

there's an old radio question. How do you know when the links between the songs are getting a bit long and rambling? You win best speech programme. And that's what we did this week, which was a mysterious and surprising event. We got gold. We're calling it now the Radio Academy Awards, I believe,

which makes it sound a bit like the Oscars. Frank was so not expecting to win, he said, we haven't won. He said, I haven't written a speech, you're going to have to make a speech if we go up there. We go up there, couldn't get that microphone off him. No, well, it suddenly had some, had a few ideas, so they came to me. Just working some new

stuff for the tour while you were up there. No, it was a complete shock. So, thanks to everyone who voted for us. Did anyone vote for us? No. To the readers that I didn't go to the... Why didn't you go?

Well, it's interesting that Frank compares it to the Oscars. I went to do new material in a pub in Didsbury, which I see as being like my version of Woody Allen going to play the clarinet in the bar on the night of the Oscars. But what you never find out is how much he enjoyed that night in the bar playing clarinet. Like, what if he comes back and goes, I should have gone to the Oscars, it was a terrible show.

Not only that, but everyone in that little club where he's playing clarinet thought, what are you doing here, you idiot? Why aren't you at the Oscars? Do you think I'd be here if I could have been at the Oscars? You idiot. I'd say that's the biggest mistake you ever... Oh.

What about my Spanx? You weren't wearing them. I didn't put them on because I didn't think we were going to win. No, that's terrible. And then Frank and I were interviewed by The Guardian, and that's what I said to him. Yeah, I mean, you say that to the Sunday Sport. You don't say that to The Guardian.

I said, oh, I forgot my Spanx. See, the man had to Google Spanx. Did he? Yeah. During the interview? He shouldn't have done it in front of us. And he did KS for a beginning instead of X. Oh, dear. Oh, God. What a faux pas. When I say faux pas, that's also with an X.

I hadn't made the sort of effort, frankly, that I would have had I known we were going to win. No, I know. Or even had a chance. But anyway, it was very exciting. Turns out the music on the show is little more than punctuation. Well, we've always said it off-air, haven't we? Exactly. And it was a golden night for Absolute as well, wasn't it?

But we should... I feel a bit like a company man now. But Absolute won Best Brand. Best Brand. Yeah, because I don't know if you know, they've got over 200 head of cattle. And the brand on them is like an eye with an arrow going through it.

And I've always thought it looks really, particularly if it's fully on the flank, it gives you a sort of almost a 3D effect. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What happened just then? Frank gave feedback on the baking. Daisy baked a banana cake and Frank just said,

Alan? Am I right in thinking there's a flowery aftertaste to that? There's a sort of self-raising flowery aftertaste. Do you know what I mean? Oh, you know, just because he's starting... No. What is it, Frank Skinner's Just Desserts? Yeah, that's my new restaurant.

Actually, if you know, it's You Sweet. Oh, that's awful. No, it's just a bit of a surprise, isn't it? It was almost like the cake started like a cake, and then as I ate it, it broke down into its individual constituents. It all went a bit molecular. I think there isn't enough deconstructive baking. That's what they need on the table.

You've got a bit of Heston Blumenthal. He likes to break it on down. Yeah. He does, oh, yeah. I know, I've been in his laboratory. So have I. Yeah. Laboratoire.

Yuck. Jude Law was in there when I was in the laboratory. Oh, when I was in there as Adrian Charles. It's, you know, it's the look of the, it's the look of the drop.

What about the Sonys? Sorry, Al, just FYI, we might start. Can you not call them the Sonys? Oh, no, I'm sorry. The Radio Academy Awards. What should we call them? What's for shorts? R.A.A. The R? Oh, no, I'm sorry. No. The Radio Academy Awards. What should we call them?

What's for sure? RAA. The Racks. The RAS. The RAS. No, Radio Academy. Oh, yeah. RAS.

Where did I get the C from? I don't know. We don't know. So at the RAS. Sorry, that was just speaking to my dealer on the phone. That's an old message. An old message of mine. We can't call them that. We mine. We can't call them that.

Why? We can't call them that because... Oh, is that bad? The RAS. We can't call them that. Stop saying it. You want me to stop saying it? Please stop saying it.

Okay. Okay. Oh, okay. I think it's fine if it's an acronym that you're then saying it. I don't think it is. Okay. Anyway, the Radio Academy Awards. I'll just say it quickly like terms and conditions

and then it'll be over quickly yeah so the radio academy awards um up for this is my worst moment we could call them the akis i don't think we could say that for academy and we can say akis oh can we okay uh best narrative documentary winner there's always one like this and the winner is the murder of jfk And everyone went, whoa! Frank said, he's a human being. Well, it just sounded wrong to me. There was a lone Birmingham voice saying he's a human being.

I know. They do that every year. You don't announce a death and everybody cheers because they've won a news award. No, it's not. I know. Although I think I heard

that documentary and it was good. You heard it? I think I heard it, yeah. Oh. Wow. Well done. Oh, yeah. I missed that one.

I missed... All over the broadcast awards. I missed the entire... Everything after we won the award, I missed. I'll tell you what I did miss. I just took selfies of myself with the award. I read in the papers... I read in the papers that the Kaiser Chiefs performed.

Oh, yeah. Did they? Yeah. I missed that. Yeah, but we were taking selfies. But I never left the room. No, I think you'd got your car by that stage. No, no, I hadn't.

Yeah, you had. There's vigorous nodding happening. OK, I miss that. Sorry about that. And also, we should say that Christian O'Connell won Best Brand... I don't know. Because he's sponsored by Wix, the tools people. It's a really brilliant sponsorship.

He's so intrinsically linked there with Wix. There's actually a sign on his door here saying no tools are left in this studio overnight. What about when we went up for best brand? Because Absolute Radio got best brand. Yeah, we all went up for best brand. It was a lovely team moment. You say it was lovely, but Frank and Christian, being celebrities, Christian said, oh, we can stand near the back, Frank.

So I decided to join you. Terrible mistake. Yeah, we were being humble. They were being humble, which, of course, is not a quality that sits easily with me. You were being Kate humble. Next thing you know, you're not in the photo yeah well you enjoyed that cake it sounds like that terrible language person what's it sorry i'm just i can hear the sugar he's breaking it down even on air all the flowers now it's like being in the laboratory with Adrian Childs all over again.

It was. That's just, if you just tuned in, you think, oh, I wish I'd heard that anecdote. Sounds like a goodie. It was a beautiful night, though, and congratulations to one and all. Oh, it is flowery, isn't it? It is, yeah. I warned you about it. You know, look at me like I'm telling lies. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. So when I left, just to wind up our self-celebration... The Radio Academy Awards. What a difference a year makes. This time a year ago, you were slagging them off from Life to Nintendo, weren't you? I don't... Was I? I seem to remember swearing on health I'd never go to that awards ceremony ever again.

I remember dog excrement being mentioned. Okay, but that's... Inputs through letterboxes. I think that was because Daisy had done a banana cake. Being put through letter boxes. I think that was because Daisy had done a banana cake. But I'm joking, Daisy. I love your banana cake.

I'm not. I think people should make banana cake, but they should use the peel. They should do a bigger version of the peel to encase it so it's actually like a banana. I think it should have to be in a banana shape. Yeah. That's a good idea. That's fair enough, isn't it?

Yeah, and a carrot cake, the same. Yeah, exactly the same. Oh, yeah, but you'd get the pointy bit. That'd be awful. But fruit cake would be confusing. I suppose you'd just pick any fruit you like. Yeah. OK.

Oh, thanks goodness Just Dessert's coming on a tour. Yeah, you know what I'd do? I'd go a bit left field and go tomato. Tomato, OK. You know, to remind people it's a fruit. Yeah, yeah. You're a clever fact. People do be root cake, don't they?

Anyway, enough of cakes. So, um, I, um, I left the ceremony. It was raining. I scampered across carrying my award, our award. And I jumped into the back of a car. And the driver said to me, uh, Oh, I saw what happened in there. He said, was there any celebrities in there?

Oh, my God, that is awful. I mean, come on. You're clutching your award in the black tie. You know, the terrible thing is I started listing some of the celebrities. Did you say Tony Blackburn? And I was really trying to talk it up a bit. You didn't just keep putting your face in the rear view, right? Who did you mention?

Because there were some. Myling Class was there. Yes, I mentioned... Don't put me on the spot! Did he not know who you are, Frank? That was a hospital pass, wasn't it? Yeah. No, clearly he didn't know, but that's fine.

You know, it was dark. Oh. I was carrying the ward and I had a dickie bow, you know, sort of black evening suit. He could have at least... And he had a piece of paper with Frank Skinner on in the window of the car, surely. What if he thought you were exec producer for Best Narrative Documentary? You could be that. You look a bit like that. I had a drive for the other day and this was in broad daylight.

The driver said to me, I know you, don't I? I thought, try looking at the actual... My my name i could see my name on the screen in front of it but anyway he said i know you don't know you're on the telly and i said yeah i am a bit yeah and he said what's your name which is always a terrible and i do you say my name is frank Skinner I would if I were you I usually go my name is I actually carry that on my iPhone so I can have the back end

now I don't do that I just said it's Frank Skinner he said oh yeah you do that room I said yeah yeah we went on for another 3 or 4 minutes he said I'll tell you what I used to love he said that show you did was brilliant. That one when you wore a peak cap.

Oh, yeah. And I thought, OK. And he said, you know, that workers thing. And then I remembered, many years ago... You were on the buses? I worked with this ventriloquist woman who used to do a rude ventriloquist act. I think she'd been a man formerly.

Anyway. What on earth was this? It's another story. She said to me, she said, you are the reborn Colin Crompton. You are just him. Now, Colin Crompton was a comedian who hosted a thing called the Wheel Tappers and Shunters Club.

So when this bloke said, that thing you did with the Pete Cab, I said, do you mean the Wheel Tappers and Shunters Club? He said this bloke said, that thing you did with the Pete Cab, I said, do you mean the Wheel Tappers and Shunters Club? He said, yeah, that. He says, you're brilliant on that. That programme ended in 1977. And honestly, he said, why don't you bring that back? And I said, you know what?

We've had meetings about that. You did not say this. Yeah, and I went into a whole thing with this guy of saying, you know, it was really fun to do. And all that, and I just became... I think it's the... David Baddiel used to say, if I put a peak cap on, I became the quintessence of working class. There's just something about me. Do you know what? I don't think you need the peak cap.

Well, nowadays it wouldn't, because it's not the badge anymore, is it, the peak cap? Nowadays it's the reused Sports Direct bag. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've had quite a few tweets in over the last 24 hours, Frank. Oh, yeah. Lucky you. So, OK.

They're all along the same theme. Wonder what the topic of tomorrow's show will be. Oh, wow, dreams do come true. I'm very happy for him. Shut up. I was telling him it's about time, but I guess he knows that already. Oh, that's a good one. Do you know...

It's about time, do you see? That is good, yeah. Well, do you know what we're talking about, Alan Cochran? Um, yes. Do you? OK, let's move on. Is it about... Frank, come on, you've got some news.

Frank's recently announced foray into the world of acting. Into the World Cup? Into the... Into the World Cup. Frank's going to be in Doctor Who. Yeah, there we go, you've got some news. Frank's recently announced foray into the world of acting. Into the World Cup? Into the... Into the World Cup. Frank's going to be in Doctor Who. Yeah, there we go. You say it. I can't keep it in.

It's exciting, isn't it? It is. It is. I would say exciting is a fair description of that. It was that. Do you know what I like? Frank's gone a bit coy. You know, like when Kate Middleton, when they announced the engagement, she did the interview.

Yes, we're very happy about the news. Yes. You're a bit about the news. Yes. You're a bit coy, aren't you? It is a bit like, I'll have to go on a multi-die thing. No, it was, um, something to be like Kate Middleton. Don't we all want to be like Kate Middleton? What role have you got in Doctor Who? What role have you got in Doctor Who?

Well, I can't say much, but I have to wear, I have to wear a, you won't believe me if I tell you, I have to wear a cheetah. I have to dress as a cheetah. And there's some horse riding. Don't lie. I'm not lying. A cheetah? This is like when he told us that he was hosting Absolute Twenties.

No, well, part... Part cheetah? Humanoid cheetah. I'm just worried they're going to put you in an alien mask or something. I don't want to see you. Not Cheetah the Chimpanzee. Oh, what do you mean, then? Like a cheetah cheetah? A cheetah. They'll wait to see you. Not cheetah the chimpanzee. Oh, what do you mean, then? Like a cheetah cheetah?

A cheetah, yeah. It's a pretty confusing cheetah the chimpanzee. Why do that? What's Tarzan thinking about? I'll just name it after another animal. Yeah. Why name it at all, Tarzan? I think it's so exciting.

The chimpanzees look at human beings like Russell Crowe and think, what have we done that for? It isn't, I mean, I can can't say i feel like a competition winner well you kind of are if we're honest yes you have begged for this role i've completely begged i'm not ashamed of that no i have to be careful when i'm when i'm there that i actually remember that i'm in it and don't just watch it. Yeah. You know, because what they don't want is, you know, someone, I'm there going, oh, it's brilliant, brilliant. You can just hear that as they're doing the lines. Oh, this is a, oh, God, what a bit that is.

Just an alien in the background asking for autographs. I have to be careful, you know, that I'm not just seeing it as having a really good view. Picking bits of the show. Can I keep this? Is there a rule about mementos? Oh, dear. They're going to have to keep reshooting it as well.

Yeah. I haven't been able to... Sorry. Don't overact, Frank. Oh, God. Is that my note? No, I've just got to say this to you at the start because I know how excited...

I think you're a very good little actor. Can you overact as a cheater on a horse? It turns out in your case yes okay and what i thought the cheater on the horse is a bit big i'm just worried i think you're a lovely little actor but i'm just worried that because this is you know i don't what's that thing Alan says about playing the game, not the occasion? Yeah. I don't want you to get so overawed by the experience. Okay. I'll think, okay.

Don't be like an extra in EastEnders when they overhandle the fabric on the market store. No, that's always awful, honestly. Or you can see it taking the top layer of skin off their fingertips. And when people gesticulate a lot, when they're playing darts in the rovers and all that stuff. Yeah, well, you know, it's difficult because I've been, like, so silly excited. I know. Because I haven't been able to say anyone, I'm going to be in Doctor Who.

I've had to keep it quiet for four weeks. Oh, wow. Four weeks? So I have been saying I'm going to be in Doctor Who, but I've been saying it when I've been in a room on my own, whilst doing a tiny little dance on the spot. The funny thing is, you know, I've been... Because I suppose I think about it about every three minutes.

Good for commercial radio, then. Yeah, but to be honest, I thought about being in Doctor Who about every four and a half minutes, years before this happened. So, yes, it's... Oh, man. Two people on this show now in sci-fi dramas. Oh, of course you were in Dare the Triffids.

So, Al, get working on it. I'll take my phone off an airplane just in case the call comes in now. Shall I? I don't know if they do castings on Saturday mornings. A call from quite a mass. I'm available. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So more Doctor Who.

Well, we've had some texts. OK. Someone's texted us in... Actually, it's a tweet to me. Buzz can now say my daddy was in Doctor Who, says Lee. Yes, well, it's... That's an interesting point, because I'm afraid I've gone deep into bad dad territory.

Oh. What do you mean? Because in order to be in Doctor Who, one of the filming days is Boz's birthday. So I'm having to miss... Yes, I know. I'm having to miss his birthday. So I figure that it will be...

I'd rather have... If my dad had said to me, you know, I was at your second birthday, I'd have said, oh, brilliant. Mind you, I had to miss the chance to be in Doctor Who. I'd have just smashed him in the face. So I'm hoping it'll be OK. I don't think that'll be fine.

The plan is to just make another birthday. Yeah. Oh, they don't know at that age. Yeah, just pick any date we like. Yeah. I think it's fine. I'll just pick a nice weather day. Yeah, do that.

We've had another... I feel a bit bad because I missed his first steps because I was at the screening of Remembrance of the Daleks. Is that true? Yeah, that's true. So that's a bit of a theme. I feel so sad for you didn't have my childhood. Yeah.

Why? Because that's all I had was old actors in Doctor Who. Not that you're an old actor, but you know what I mean. Well, I am. No. Frank, we've had another tweet in. Richard says, amazing, but won't the viewers be confused with Frank and doppelganger Peter Capaldi in the same show? What do you think about that?

Well, I think the cheetah outfit will help. Did I say that the horse I'm riding is played by Linda Robson? No. I mean, the whole thing is just stunt casting. Yeah, it does feel a bit like that. Yeah, they've gone to town on this one. You know, you are a sort of a model success story by getting this, because when the Doctor Who role itself, the now

Peter Capaldi role was available my mum phoned me up and said I think you should apply for that. Apply. Apply for that. Apply. Like how? Do you not think they're considering people already? But you genuinely did apply. I did sort of apply. Quite publicly for any role.

To be fair though it was a it was a wasn't it a read i think it was one of our readers texted in didn't i and said what's your ambitions oh is that what happened and we all did our ambitions and i said mine must have been doc i don't remember you really when i said mine you went oh my god but uh yes when I think mine was to be intimate with Tom Jones. It's not unusual. Well, you know when I said to you that... I don't want to achieve that, by the way, any longer. Well, mine used to be to be intimate with Anna Blackman, actually.

Really? Yeah. And I wrote to Jim Orfixi. Uh-huh. And I never got a reply. So... Anyway. Well, I haven't given up hope.

I still look under the mat by the door. Just talk about something else. In case the letter's got... You've mentioned it now. Let's talk about something else. Okay. I, um... Oh, you know when I said to you I went to Nando's for the first time?

Nando's. The other week. Yeah. You started saying it right now because he wants the black card. Yeah. It was... I was in Nando's when I got the phone call to say that I'd got the part. You weren't?

Yeah. When I actually got the phone call to say that they wanted me to read for the part, I was watching an episode of Doctor Who and I had to freeze it to take the phone call. What, in Nando's? So I was on my first ever trip to Nando's and I got this call and my manager said, you know look to me it's like the most exciting professional news of my life how does he say do you remember when i got we got to number one with uh three lions i got into my um i got into my hotel room in san francisco

i was on holiday there was flowers there was flowers from my manager and a card saying, straight in at number one, 56,000 units sold. Completely reduced to manager talk. So he phones me. This is like, like I say, could you imagine how excited? Yeah. He phones up and says, they've made an offer. That was the opening line. Oh, they've made an offer.

It's going to be quite hard to haggle when he's begged for the job for two years. But I went outside. He's applied. I went outside and there was loads of people around. It was like a sunny day. I was at Cardiff Bay, Nando's. I went outside. Oh, never mind.

I was on the phone. He was telling me this. And I did a volley. You know when you volley a football? I did that, like a mimed one. Wow. A really big one. Oh, no, it was like chemistry teacher at the disco

kind of dance. People were really looking at me like I was there. And I couldn't eat my Nando, so the whole thing ruined that. Oh, I'd have had that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had an enjoyable text in. Morning Frank, Emily, text in. Morning, Frank, Emily.

Well, I think. Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. Congratulations on winning your RAA. I'm just baking a banana loaf now that I've heard you mention it this morning. I'm easily influenced from what I hear. And after listening for ten minutes, it was either that or take up the clarinet. Look forward to baking my banana bread later, that's all. But why not do the...

My dad, when he was in the garden, used to whistle Stranger on the Shore by Ackerbilk all the time. Oh, yeah? You'd hear him... WHISTLING I used to... What I started doing, the influence of him, is I started doing the same tune, but it was played on clarinet.

And I started to do it as a clarinet. So I'd be walking around going... That's a little story from my childhood there. I love that story. Yeah, I love that story. Why don't you tell that to your castmates when you're doing Doctor Who? I'm just thinking it's always good to have a story in your pocket

on the first day of shooting well okay I think I should bring that one out Capaldi would like it I reckon Peacock oh Frank what about this Coventry Telegraph headline former Warwick University students

dreams come true that is how they describe I told her not to tell anyone about that. Don't you love that's out of the regional news? I love that you're always tied to the area. Although I had glorious days at Warwick University, so I'm very happy to be seen. Yes, and they've mentioned because you're there tomorrow,

that's why you're in it. Oh, it all makes sense, doesn't it? It makes sense in the end, don't you think? Yeah. I mean, life. Oh, life. Ooh, life. Ooh, life. Yeah.

Did you see? We were talking about the lyric in my tour boss yesterday. We were talking about the verses to life, ooh, life, ooh, life. Who was it? Desiree or someone? Desiree. One of them is, it's on about when I'm in a park at night. That sounds a bit cautious. He says something like, I don't, it's on about when I'm in a park at night. That sounds a bit cautious.

He says something like, I don't want to see a ghost. I'd rather have a piece of toast. I mean, come on. Try a bit harder. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from

8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215. We'd love to hear from you. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email it directly through the Absolute Radio website.

Frank, I'll tell you what we need to talk about. What about Solange? Solange? I couldn't eat anything else. Frank's skin is just dessert. Solange? Is that how you say her name? Yeah, Solange. I was thinking, I wondered if it was Solange

to be like Solange. I hope you never meet her. Well, Solange. I hope you never meet her. Well, I kind of do hope you never meet her. Can you explain who she is? She's Beyonce's sister. Okay. Do you think that when he... There was an incident in a lift, we should say.

Everyone must know about it. She kicked him quite a lot. Jay-Z. She kicked Jay-Z. So Jay-Z's married to Beyonce. Beyonce's sister, Solange. I like that you're talking about them like they're your relatives. So kicked Jay-Z. So Jay-Z is married to Beyoncé. Beyoncé is the Solange. I like that you're talking about them like they're your relatives. So they had an argument.

She was kicking him in the chest. She was really... There was one... Like karate kicking. When he grabbed the foot. I thought that was well held. Yeah, that was good. I thought that was...

Well... I think he's a pretty op sort of glass half full guy. Yeah. He always seems very sort of and i think he's okay i'm being kicked in the chest but i do every time you do it i can see your pants and i thought he was a guy you know everyone is like you fang always and i think when he grabbed the leg i think then he was just he was over indulging that moment she's honestly called so long.

Yeah, so long. When he left the lift, do you think he went, so long, farewell, adieu, adieu, adieu? I hope everyone says that to her when they leave. I hope they do as well. I don't think they do though. She'd be furious. Would you dare say it?

But I mean, what? She seems like she'd be quite a... Like, I don't think she'd take well to cancelled arrangements. One of those friends, maybe. Yeah. You think she might be a bit high maintenance? Maybe. Okay. What about Beyonce? Cool as a cucumber. Claw-length Givenchy.

All she did was move her train an inch. Throughout that fracas. She moved her train an inch. I'd have been saying, leave him, he's not worth it. She had a train. She had a train on her strings infantile thing she does i'll be honest this whole story the only thing i really understand is lift that's that's the bit that identifies with my life i mean i sort of understand that they're kicking off and they're having a little fight but they're kicking off i don't know i don't know who they are but also crucially what happened is beyonce's bouncer they're always called biscuit

aren't they it's a biscuit something like that They're always called Biscuit, aren't they? Is it Biscuit? Something like that. They're always called Biscuit. Yeah, I met two bouncers called Biscuit. One worked for New Kids on the Block. You're sure it wasn't the same bouncer in a different job? All bouncers are called Biscuit. Why are you hobnobbing with so many? Hobnobbing?

Thank you. Hey! I really thought that was going to go astray there. No, I would not. You know I wouldn't let that pass. Two bouncers called... My advice to you is, Emily, never do observational comedy.

Oh, thank you very much. What about my show, Oh No You Don't? You know how bouncers are always called biscuit? Well, they are. Anyway, this one is called Julius, apparently. He's not called biscuit. But he did that thing in the lift where he tried to stop the doors only he was pressing it repeatedly because i think he was

worried that people were going to see what was going on of course he forgot about that was even more embarrassing though well the whole i mean i thought the height of embarrassment in a lift yeah is when you know when you get out at the wrong floor you realize it's the wrong floor you have to get back in again. Everyone looks at you like, oh, that idiot got out the wrong floor. Yeah. But, you know, being kicked in the chest by your girlfriend and sister. Is it girlfriend or wife?

Uh, wife. Wife? Daisy knows about Beyonce. If only it was fiance. Remember we did a... Then you could say my fiance Beyonce. Rappers, they speak in rhyme all the time, I've been told. True. Remember we did a thing on this show about weird little things that we think we're good at?

I think you were good at feeding the ducks bread. Oh, yeah. Targeting. I'd get one right in front of them. I stay in a lot of hotels, and so I genuinely am good at seeing the numbers of where the rooms are. So I can walk through the corridor, and boom, I'm out the room. I know where I'm going. So I never do that thing that you just mentioned of getting off at the wrong floor and going back in the lift

but when people do I often think tourist. But what it's based on is when it's when you're it's when you're heading to the ground floor and someone gets in at like the second floor because I think we're at the ground floor. Oh yeah. Of course you do because you've got no sense of direction.

Well, I just, I'm so excited about getting out the lift. A woman told me I wasn't allowed in one the other week. Yeah, but that's because she's got a restraining order against you. There was four people in a lift. There was easily room if they'd just walked into it properly. And she turned round, and just as the doors were shut, and she went, there isn't room for you. And the doors were...

Was she you, Kip? It was very specifically me. It wasn't like there isn't room for anyone else. She gave me a dead stare. Terrifying. That is terrifying. So does that mean that he's got a hundred problems now? Oh, Jay-Z.

Jay-Z, of course, we should call him. Yeah. We don't. Absolute. Absolute should call him. Yeah. We don't. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello? Why's it gone all quiet?

Because no-one's talking. Oh, I thought you were going to play us into email corner. Well, I'm looking for it. You can keep me, can't you? You don't have to. Do you want to give me some backup, you guys? No, not really. There we go.

Email Corner! Lovely. See, this is what success brings. You know, we win one award and it's gone a bit like the Spice Girls. Everyone's been a bit niggly. You think so? Sitting on the stage eating doughnuts. Stop caring, don't you?

Speaking of getting a bit tetchy, that woman that said that I couldn't fit in the lift, just as the doors shut, I went, you're rude. Did you? That got her back. Yeah. I have an email.

Emily's revelation the other week that she had never opened a train door. Some more of my stunning observational comedy there. No, but that was a cracker. Because, I mean, if someone else is getting off with you, it's fine because they open it. But what if you'd been in a situation where you were getting off on your own? It's awful. Just missed the stop. I'd have to a situation where you were getting off on your own? It's awful. Just missed the stop.

I'd have to. I couldn't physically get off. As you were. Okay, I'm struggling not to make jokes about the phrase getting off so much there. You kept saying getting off we do. Emily's... Are you...

Are you... Review of Frank's character in Doctor Who. Are you... A hermit? Review of Frank's character in Doctor Who, then. Emily's revelation last week that she had never opened a train door... Frank, stop it. ..has made me feel I need to share my own shameful secret. What we should say, by the way, in case... Oh, yes. It's this concept, isn't it, of when you have to bring the window down...

Lean out and put your arm out. And I realised I'd never done that before. It is weird. As a regular traveller on the famous train line that heads to the West Country, I found it so incredulous that doors had to be opened. I was so incredulous that doors had to be opened by lowering the window and leaning out that I went home and wrote a letter, yes, an actual letter, to the company asking to see a copy of their risk assessment for said activity.

My nerdity did not end there. I also spent over 35 minutes googling the cost of a new train carriage to see if internal door handles were more expensive until my husband asked me what I was doing. Oh, the shame. Wow, what a gal. Yeah, that's from Jackie. Well done, Jackie. I like over 35 minutes.

Not 30. Over 35. If I'd have been Jackie, what I'd have done is I'd have sealed the envelope and then I'd have drawn an arm coming from under the flap holding a letter opener knife to sort of hammer home

the ridiculousness of it. Oh, I'm glad others share this. It's terrible. It's barbaric. I'd love to. I mean, she told us what the reply was to the letter, though. Yes, we need to know, Jackie. I'd really love to know how it went. I like the idea that she Googled the cost of new train carriages as if she's an eccentric millionaire on that train and just goes, oh, I'm going to buy us some new trains.

I'm fed up of leaning out of these windows, guys. You see, I can't... Just get a round of carriages. Whenever I've done it, I sort of get a bit of... I sort of imagine I'm a master burglar. You know, I put... I'd really want to put up... Yes, there's something very cat burglar about it.

I'd really want to put a black glove on before I do it and maybe open the handle with a wire coat hanger. Nice. Yeah, that's how you've got to make life more, you know, exciting. You've got to bring a bit of drama into it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Still an email corner.

Yeah. We have an email in from Prisoner617. OK. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. In last week's show, you regaled the readers with a joke about a meringue from the northern comic Bobby Thompson. Yes. Bobby Thompson was a Sunderland comic known as the Little Wierster.

Mm-hm. And he did just a quick reprise. He says that he's at the Queen's place and she says, I bet, I suppose suppose Buckingham Palace, and she says, I bet you'd like a cake, Bobby, a meringue. And he said, no, you're not a meringue. I'd love a cake. That was the joke, which I thought was a very fine joke, I must say.

It was lovely. Can I say, I was on about Colin Crompton earlier on the Wheel Tappers and Shunters Club, who I was mistaken for. It's all sounding very 21st century. Yes. He did a joke. He used to be like a working men's club, so he used to make announcements.

And he said one, he said, Can I make an announcement? There has been a mistake in the raffle prize. It says on the ticket, a diving suit. It should say, Divan Suite. Brilliant. Anyway... I'm happy to be mistaken for him. He's a genius.

So the prisoner continues. I have, however, known and loved the joke for many years. This is the meringue joke, the aforementioned meringue joke. And recently gave it an airing to a mate. It was not greeted with laughter as i had hoped but a mix of derision and utter utter contempt well spookily what about the clarinet anecdote that was terrible that's one of the worst responses you've ever had i know i'm still really not just to do it to a joke do anything in life yeah was it worse than the brits that no okay um i don't think it's fair

to mention the brits on frank's boisterous week i know you're right it's a great level exactly yeah um meet with triumph and disaster and all that indeed exactly the name of the joke receiver on that occasion was dot, dot, dot, Robert Thompson. Same name as Bobby Thompson. Yeah. Spooky.

Anyway, the whole episode hung in the air like a bad smell and we agreed to never speak of it again. Oh, no. Do Frank and Alan have any advice for how to handle a negative reaction to a joke? What would you say, Frank and Alan?

Usually, I... my thing is to... I handle it by dying inside. That's my first thing. I do that, and then I drive home, and then the next night I drive to a different town and tell it again, expecting a different outcome. Well, sometimes if I tell one that goes really badly, I hit either music or adverts on my screen.

And hope that people think, oh, maybe the end was cut off that. The funny bit was still to come. Horrible edits. What's your equivalent of that in social situations? I must just go to the toilet. Well, I told you a friend of mine used to do this thing, that he switched on the radio once, and at the end of a Radio 4 show,

and all he heard was, and that man was Robert Dougal. And then it said, and that was blah, blah, blah. And the show ended. And he told me this, and I started, if I told an anecdote that didn't go well, so I'd do the clarinet, and I'd say when I used to do it, I used to go

you all look at me in that black look and I'd say and that man was Robert Dougal. And I tried to save a couple of anecdotes and people sort of think, oh I must have missed a bit. So they sort of laugh politely.

Try it. And we will. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. We've already had one quote of my mother today, haven't we? I can never have enough of your mum's wisdom. There's another coming now.

I don't know if you've seen the little bit of footage of Kate Moss allegedly flirting with the prince, where she said, oh, where's your wife? And he says, she's not here. And she goes, such a shame. And people are saying, oh, that's flirty. To me, that's just what my mum said when I told her that Elliot Smith had killed himself.

She went, that's a shame. As if I'd said, oh, I lost a pound on the bus. Like, that's a shame as if i'd said oh i lost a pound on the bus like that's a shame but maybe uh elliot smith am i missing he's a singer songwriter that's gone okay sorry anyway sorry about anyone but uh it was years ago but it's all in the context, actually, of how she said shame. Tilt the head. Well, if she said... It's tone. If she'd have said, oh, shame, that's reasonable. If she'd have said, shame, that's not reasonable.

Yeah, what if she'd have said, oh, shame. Oh! Yeah, that is shameful. That is. That's actually terrifying. It would need to have gone, you all right? You've got to But hold on

The tilting head Is that a flirting thing? Oh yeah I use it all the time They say it's a flirting thing But what the papers have ignored In this case I used to have a dog Every time I spoke to it

Yeah It was basically coming on to me That is Do you still get the glad eye? Oh yeah The glad eye Are you familiar with that term? I've seen a doctor about that Do you know that term? I know the glad eye She still get the glad eye? The glad eye. Yeah, but I've seen a doctor about that. Do you know that term?

I know the glad eye. Yeah, she gave me the glad eye. Again, I've seen a doctor about it. Oh? But I hope she said shame in a non-husband-stealing way. That's all I'm saying. Because I know what you... I mean, I think...

I hope she said it like David Bowie says fame in that. I hope she went, shame! That would have really sort of thought, oh, God, she's... And then she just kept repeating it. Get out of here, can you get out of here? I can't just throw it out, I know, but just... I feel bad that it's... I had a dead body as well.

I had a dead body, I remember. Dead, I picked it up. I held it upright. Well, isn't it? And looking back, it was flirting. It started flirting. Flirting with me from the grave. Yeah, I mean, everyone's saying that Kate Moss was flirting.

We don't know that she didn't just take her neck brace off right before getting to the party going, this doesn't go with my outfit. She did have a one shoulder on. One shoulder. She only wore one shoulder. Yeah, one shoulder dress. She, like, a robot.

She'd buy on it. Where do you guys stand on the one-shoulder? You know what he said to me? What? Is this the... What are you talking about? The one-shoulder thing, I love it. Do you?

I love... I'll tell you something now. One of the great underestimated body parts of women is the shoulders. Oh, yeah. I love a nice shoulder. Oh, good. Well, I nice shoulder. Oh, good. Well, I like a collarbone, because I never put on weight on my collarbones. So it always looks good.

Yes. Yeah, shoulders are really good. I like a nip. Today's texting. What bit of women do you like? No, it has to be, I think it has to be an unconventional bit. What bit of women do you like?

I don't want people just sending in Route 1 stuff. Yeah. No. Exactly. Do you honestly think, though, she was flirting? Well, she's quite flirtatious. If she was, it's indiscreet, because, I mean, they're both really quite famous.

They are. They're high profile. And her husband was right next to her. Yeah. Who was? Her husband. Oh, I mean, come on. It's like your 1950s idea of marriage.

No, but, you know, they called her in the mail, the headline was, the very flirty queen of the catwalk was the headline. I mean, it just... What about Benedict Cucumber? Oh. Well, Benedict Cumberbatch said he spoke to him all night. Nobody thought he was flirting.

He said he felt guilty. He was hogging him. You know, the headline wasn't Sherlock Homos. Was it? Play a song. No, the headline wasn't Sherlock Holmes. Was it? Play a song. No, but no. Play a song. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So that Prince William party. Yes. There was Cate Blanchett. There was Emma Watson. Lovely. Cara Delevingne. Oh, God. Do you think when he's around all those beautiful, there was Cate Blanchett there was Emma Watson lovely Cara Delevingne do you think when he's around all those beautiful people

Prince William thinks back to that six month period in 1999 when he was attractive you know that brief window when he was hot he was so hot then the hair it went a bit Matt Goss didn't it

yeah he went a bit caricature. Yeah. Helena Bonham Carter. Tough. See, I'm glad I was never hot. I don't have that thing of, oh, I should have done more during that season. Also, it means you've developed a lovely little personality.

Thank you. Helena, I think you are hot, actually. Helena Bonham Carter. Not in this studio. I'm in the heat. We won't go into it. I'm worried about the air con on there. Everyone's very attractive in this studio.

It's like a catwalk, isn't it? Do you think not? You should see me in my cheetah head thing. We will. We will, Oscar. Okay,etah head thing. We will. And we will, Oscar. OK, sorry. I'm just going to say, she admitted... I'm method acting.

I've been burying my own excrement all week. Sorry. I came through your letterbox. Come on, I'm interested in Helena Bonham Carter. Don't tell me to come on when you've been stopping me. Sorry. She seems like an interesting woman. Well, she does, but she admitted,

and I liked her for having the courage to admit this. She took a lot of moral courage. She admitted that she'd previously, with HRH, she'd asked him to be godparent to her child. She sort of slightly lost it, because people lose it a bit with the royals, don't they? And he said no. Good for him.

You see, I remember in In Bed With Madonna, someone asked her, and she said, well, the thing is, you know, I'm already godparent quite a lot. And it was all... She says, I need to go down and wait for my show and think about this. Yeah. With sunglasses on the whole time. I mean, I, you know, I was nervous when I was asking, you know, godparents for balls in case they said... Did you get any knockbacks? Nelson Mandela said no.

He had a lot on, to be fair. He did, yeah. And I think Madonna, actually. I'm still waiting. On the good news, David Furnish came through, though. Yeah, he did. God bless him. No, it's like I've always thought about in tennis

yeah when you find your doubles partner you know I mean if you get some doubles you get a really brilliant player with quite an average one how does that average

imagine going up to like to Venus Williams or and saying do you want to be my double? No. You're rubbish. I don't know how they ever dare

broach the subject. Or serenely. I love the idea of the response being, you're rubbish. It's like when I wrote to Alan Bennett asking, you wrote him a little letter saying, do you fancy writing a play together? Can you believe I wrote that letter? And what did he say?

Yes. Thank you very much for your letter. I very much appreciate it. No, he was very sweet and he said, it's very kind of you. And he said, you know, I'm sure it'd be great, but I tend to work on my own. Oh. I should have written again. I said, no, no, but you know.

No, I didn't. But he was very nice about it. Cut to him writing a show with David Baddiel. It makes me embarrassing. Isn't that like asking women out, though, for men? Don't men have to suffer that all the time? Yeah, but I was never any good at that either. I was always never had the courage.

Did you just do it by stealth? I just... You did it by fame, didn't you? I did it by fame. Didn't you? I didn't really do it before fame. I'm only quoting what you've said. No, it's true. I didn't do it at Didn't you? I didn't really do it before phone. I'm only quoting what you've said. No, it's true.

I didn't do it at all before phone. I just, yes, it's like a little light came on and along came the moths. But before, no, I was so awful at that. Were you? How did you ask someone out, Frank? Oh, I just didn't. I just didn't do it. What did you do then?

I just couldn't. Oh, I had to get very, very drunk. Were they drunk? I'm not being rude. Yeah. No, well, I don't know. I just couldn't, oh. I had to get very, very drunk. Were they drunk? I'm not being rude. Yeah. No, well, I don't know. I was too drunk to know. And I just, I, and even then, I think I'd turn into some sort of, oh, it's just awful.

Don't even make me think about it. Apparently that's how they get doubles bars. What, you're trying to spoil my perfect week? That's how they get doubles, yeah. Doubles bars. They just get really smashed and walk up to Venus Williams. Yeah, I was trying to get off with Sue Barker. I ended up playing mixed doubles at Queen's with her.

Such confusion. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's all right. I was just thinking of something you said last week that made me laugh. Oh. It's all right. I was just thinking of something you said last week that made me laugh. Oh, that's good, isn't it?

It was your response. Takes a week to... It was your response to the... Well, I was going to say the phrase, the words, did you know Linfold's words? No, but it makes my eyes water just thinking about it. Anyway. Sorry. Yeah.

I'll tell you what did annoy me about this party that Prince William was at. Benedict Cumberbatch. That it existed. No, no, I was fine with that. In a sort of, you know, esoteric way. I don't want to go, but I... Yeah, right.

I really don't. Esoteric. I didn't even go to the radio awards. I went and did a gig behind a curtain. That's a kind of down-to-earth guy you are. Yeah. Wasn't there also a travel cost issue? Yeah.

£38. You know what did happen, though? I did that gig and then... Straight to Manchester. Only £38 for first class. The guy at the gig said, oh, last time you did this gig, you said on the radio, oh, the gig will only work if the pub stays quiet

and tonight it's absolutely packed in the pub. So I was standing on stage and I couldn't hear myself speak. I could hear the pub from the other side of the curtain. So... Hoisted on my own petard. So you had to bring your own petard as well. Yeah, exactly. So it wasn't even a good gig.

No, that was my point about Woody Allen and the clarinet. Yeah, Benedict Cumberbatch described Prince William as a stand-up guy. He's such a stand-up guy. Such a stand-up guy. Doesn't mean he's a stand-up guy. I think it should only be used if you're in the mafia, like he's a stand-up guy. Or if you're a stand-up. Lovely little accent there.

Or with a possible caveat if he's got sciatica and he has to get up like you do you're a stand-up guy in many respects exactly yeah the cock has to stand up during the records because of his bad back that'd be a nice name can i just stop and say i said records but we'll let it pass sounds like joe meek yes or maybe it's a faith healing session yeah i just say stand up guy what a great name for your next little tour stand up guy oh yeah because i've gone with them i've gone with man in a suit for the next one what are you going for frank what well my next my next uh the theme of my next stand-up tour is the gunpowder plot so i'm thinking stand-up guy. Can't wait to see that. That sounds good. Might be a good one.

What about mine, women in a waistcoat? Women in a waistcoat. Your stand-up tour should be Morta Picardo. Hashtag Morta Picardo. Mind you, I mean, I'm sure he is a nice bloke. Who's this? Prince William.

But what is it that prevents us from being? I mean, I, as you know, am a bit of a git. But, as has been established by our readers, but... But, what stops you from being a nice guy? Work worries? Yeah, yeah. Pressure work, money worries? Yeah.

Fatigue? Uh-huh. You know, if I was a member of the royal family, I would be lovely. Yeah. And look at that nice wife he's got. Uh-huh. You know, if I was a member of the royal family, I would be lovely. Yeah. Lovely. And look at that nice wife he's got. Lovely.

Imagine you thinking, God, I haven't set an alarm clock for about 30 years. Yeah. You know, this is the sort of thing when people say about this famous celebrity, oh, he's nice, and you go and mutter into the telly, well, he can afford to be, can't he? Why don't you apply for that job? Well, sometimes if people say to me, you know that Frank Skinner, I say, well, we should have got his money.

Well, I think Coots had my money at the time. Sort of relevant. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emily Dean and Alan Cochran text us on 8.12.15. We haven't had many today. Is it working? We are. It's a terrible thing, isn't it?

It's like when I didn't get any work for about two years. I thought I've got my phone on silent. It's like when you're waiting for a guy to call you. Desi, can you just check if my phone's all right? Yeah. Oh, the nightmare of that. I remember waiting for a letter from a girl on a show. A letter?

Yeah, it was a long time ago. Who was it? Jane Eyre? I pulled the piano away from the wall, thinking it might have gone down the back of the piano. Oh, no. Or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio,

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Alan's laughing because of my milk jugs. Pardon? Oh. Let me just get that little jug of milk. I just need to rinse that one off of me. I was holding it in a very dainty way. I was pouring it into my cup.

Oh, talking of cups. I love that. Well, it's the cup final today. It is. Now, I'm not going because I can only do one event a weekend and I've got the BAFTAs tomorrow. It's tricky, isn't it? Yeah.

BAFTAs wins out, I'm afraid. I'm not going. Same reason. No, I'm not. I did get to go to the semi, though. Well, I support Arsenal, but my friend who edits wallpaper magazine which you may be familiar with it's sort of you know a very posh interiors mac yeah i like it but oh do you yeah okay well they we buy a few pieces the wife and i we like a bit of furniture you like a piece

don't you we like a few pieces i like their enaglipta special that they do it's a wallpaper not even totally showing got the word right. It's quite specialist material. I feel a bit like I've gone tense. You know when your stomach feels a bit tricky after you've said something wrong. You think you're going to be in a DIY conversation when someone says, are you going to

match that up to that? So they've got their own box at Wembley. It's all specially designed. It's like Don Draper's office. It's very smart in there. Oh, that sounds great. Well, we couldn't go for the Arsenal semi-final, which is what I'd hoped for,

because the Qatari millionaires all wanted the box for that. Oh, OK. Yeah. I think a sofa might have been broken. When you say the Qatari millionaires, you mean that's when I've got quite a lot of money, actually. Can you believe I've done a Qatar stroke? Qatar.

No, I'm not actually sleeping. The most obvious pun of all time. Apart from pole, as in Polish person, and pole. As in dancer. When my cleaner invited us to a wedding in Krakow, and it was at a fire station. And I thought, this is just deliberately taunting me. You're not going to let me do a pole joke here. Sorry, Kate.

So, it was the 100% Blades versus Hull fixture I got to see. Very northern event for you. It was quite northern, but I quite enjoyed it. Although, well, it wasn't, because the wallpaper gentleman, you know, a lot of them... He came unstopped. to see very northern event for you it was quite northern but i quite i quite enjoyed it although well it wasn't because in the wallpaper gentlemen you know a lot of them he came on stop no a lot a lot of them are of the oscar wilde persuasion okay so i think that should be how we describe it on the show from now on that's great yeah some of them hadn't been to a football match before it looked lovely one of them my norwegian friend who's before. They looked lovely. One of them, my Norwegian friend,

who's of the Oscar Wilde persuasion, he said, darling, can you pass me that magazine, please? I said, that's a match programme. He said, I just want to read that magazine. It looked nice. Well, I was in a box once, and someone asked for the volume to be turned down on the crowd. And I thought, God, how embarrassing. And then there was, like, a volume thing in the box, once and someone asked for the volume to be turned down on the crowd oh yeah and i thought god what

how embarrassing and then there was like a volume thing in the box so you could hear the outside noise this actually went down a bit oh brilliant i'd like that in life just turn the sound down on the street and all sorts you'll get it when you get older and then you'll wish you hadn't got that in life what about one of my other Oscar Wilde friends who looked down at the technical area, said, oh, he's cute, said, that's Steve Bruce. Wow.

I mean, please, he was going to be doing well out of that one, Steve. He's got niche taste, that guy. He has, but it's good. He's got quite a big catchment area if he moves to this country. Where most men and a great many middle-aged women look like Steve Bruce. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

So how was it, the cop semifinal? It was actually a bit of a thriller as it turned out, you may recall. I don't watch the FA Cup much now. Do you not? There's a new... I understand.

I think the FA Cup, the Royal Variety performance and Conkers, we should just accept they've gone. And the Grand National. Grand National, I don't know. But I don't think... I think it's just gone. Let's just forget about it.

Okay. What do you say? Yeah, I'd say that's all right. You know when managers... You'll watch the World Cup, though. Yes, of course. What about the World Cup? But you know when managers say in these next two games,

they're like cup finals. What they should be saying, people in the cup finals should be saying, it's so big this, it's like a Premier League game. That's what they should be. So people in the cup final should be saying, it's so big this, it's like a Premier League game. That's what they should be saying. But you know what, Frank? One makes a lot of mistakes in life. Yes, according to Sepp Blatter. Why did he say that, Frank?

He's made a terrible fool of himself. We don't normally talk about football on this show, but just in case you're not a football person, you still probably know that the World Cup is going to go to Qatar. Yeah. It's quite hot there. FIFA have just learnt this week,

having done all these studies to see that it's 50 degrees in the summer. I think the original promise by Qatar, which seems to have gone away now, is that they were going to build domes, like see-through domes over all the grounds that were going to be air conditioned. They didn't get round to it. Do you remember the

diplomatic dice shaker on Frustration? It would be like that. I think they all read the somewhat scary book Under the Dome by Stephen King and thought, oh, we can't do that because this turns out really badly it probably is that's the one that took me

I think it's about 33 and a half hours and I had it on talking book and finished it this is how low level my actual achievements in life are I was boasting to my wife that I listened to it all the way through I mean that is a lot of time innit that's a commitment, didn't I do well and then i thought someone wrote it one person wrote that whole book i'm packing

myself on the back for hearing it but it was great that he just fessed up there yeah it's great that he was so cash they said if it was it mistaken he said of course it was i said of course and he then said one makes mistakes in life. Me playing the same song on Absolute Radio twice, that was a mistake. But, I mean, how can they possibly have got the World Cup under those circumstances? I don't understand how that could have possibly happened.

I don't know. Mysterious, isn't it? Must have been names out of a hat or something. Yeah. Maybe we should have a... What about a text in? What should be the official World Cup song for the Qatar World Cup? I'm thinking World in Lotion.

Or maybe two bribes. We've got some Pope news in. Always good. Yeah. This've got some Pope news in. Always good. Yeah, this is from your lot, Frank. Well, Pope Frank, really, isn't he? I suppose, I don't know if anyone calls him that. Well, I would. He said that he would be prepared to baptise aliens.

He was reading a sermon about St Peter baptising some pagans, I believe. Yes. And he said that not only does he agree that he should reach out to heathens, but he also thought that the church should reach out to apians as well. Yes. Martians, he actually... He named them.

It does feel like it's the icing on the cake on your perfect week that we now have a story that involves Catholicism and sci-fi together. Yes. Oh, you're right. It is perfect. Although, I don't really... I mean, I agree with... He said, you know, he said the classic Martians,

green with, like, the big noses and the big ears. And I think of Martians with green. I mean, that's the tradition. Yeah. But I don't know... Do they normally have big noses and big ears? I think it was a little bit of a 70s description of Martians. I think kids draw them, didn't they?

Yeah. I wonder if he's got mixed up with old people. Was it his way of saying we don't just baptise babies, we baptise old people? Maybe. I don't know. I suppose, I mean, it's interesting in the Roman Catholic League table

that even Martians have now edged ahead of practising homosexuals. Yeah. That just doesn't seem right, does it? No. True that. He does say any entity... Well, it wasn't him. It was a spokesman for the church who said any entity has a soul.

Yes, he said that. He said even if it's got tentacles, it's still got a soul. That was a great line. Even if it's in Made in Chelsea. He also added at the end. Did he say that? Yeah, and then he said even if it's in Top Gear, it has a soul. I don't agree with that.

Wow. What about Jimmy Carr? I think. Oh, OK. I'm just asking. I like the story. I like the story. I like the principle of it, certainly. He's a good guy, the new Pope.

Is he? What do you think about welcoming... Is he a stand-up guy? Has he got a touch of sciatica as well? Well, he's good on about Martians. I wasn't over the moon about him except in Church of England clergymen, to be honest. But so Martians is really. I think that's better.

Seriously, Frank, what about Derek Okora? Would you welcome him into your place of worship? Yeah, as long as he didn't, you know, keep going, Oh, no, no, what's that, Sam? What's that, Sam? And then talking to Elvis. I think Derek Okora could repent oh yeah what about the Martians when they're in the old

confession booth that's going to be a bit tricky isn't it what have you got to confess well I blew up a universe that you guys don't even know about you can't really they'd have to tell the FBI what you've done is you've got the idea that the god of Mars is the war god

and you're associating them with a war like you've done is you've got the idea that the God of Mars is like, you know, Mars is the war god, and you're associating them with a war like, you've gone very HG Wells. It might be that they're a peace-loving people. And they might be great. I mean, if it becomes a Catholic planet, you know, I might have to move there during the persecutions. You don't

hear about them as much as you used to. Martians. What's that, Catholics? Because they keep sending, you know, things up there and there's no sign of them. People are starting to think maybe... Do people still believe in them, though? Really? Isn't it like astrology? Catholics.

No, Martians. I think people still think... They keep saying that they've found ice on Mars and stuff like that, don't they? That's a deal-breaker for me, romantically. Is it, if they believe in life on Mars? Someone that would believe in Martians or astrology. That's it, they're out.

Yeah. Oh, well, that's... You know, I went out with Mystic Meg in the 1980s. How did she find the fringe? She had great bangs. Pardon? Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're not the only celebrity that has been announced as a cameo role in something this week. You're going to be treading the boards in the Doctor Who forthcoming series. Morrissey is apparently in talks for doing The Archers. Yes.

Famous vegan joins farming farming based soap opera news yeah but it's yeah but they did say their speculation his role would involve him having views on the livestock industry which doesn't exactly sound like who shot jr in terms of could bring the whole thing to a newsreel. Who shot that cab? Yeah, yeah. Who shot that cab? Can I just say, point of order, you call him Moz. Moz. I've had dinner with the man. He likes to be called Moz. Does he really?

Wow. Because PR told me to call him Moz. I'm sorry, I think it's just stunt casting, you know. Yeah. It's been done for publicity. Oh. No, it's an intro. It's a lot more overshadowed in that regard, isn't it?

I don't listen to... I think I've said on this show before, it's not one of the things on... The Archers? No, I use the Signature tune really as a sort of early warning system. Yeah, yeah. I don't listen to it. But I have heard it.

I do love Morrissey. I have heard it a few times. I often wonder if I should try with the Archers. Because, you know, it's virtually a Midlands... Is it? It's supposed to be quite near Birmingham. Oh, Ambridge. Yeah, I think that's...

Is it? Yeah, the Archers is one of the stars on the Birmingham Walk of Fame. Why do they all sound like my parents, then? Yeah. Oh, I don't... Because all actors sound like your parents. Oh, yeah, I forgot. In fact, one of my first boyfriends,

I'm going to name him, Barnaby Scott Hughes, his mother played Shula in The Archers. So I can name Rock with the best of them. Wow. Yeah, I imagine it will be like, all right, Tom, how are you? Oh, Andy, I'm afraid my horse has lost its shoe. I'm going to have to take it to the Smiths.

It's near here, isn't it? Well, listen. I was happy in my... Nice, just around the corner. So I imagine it'll work. I don't think Morrissey will like some of the dialogue. Do you know what I mean? I think he might be critical.

Well, he's a critical man, I imagine. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But I don't think it'll be quite epic or poetic enough for him i think you might find fault with it well it'd be interesting if i have to say now i am a meat eater myself but i have i've i've sort of found myself in slight crisis oh yeah i was um i took I took Boz to, this is my two-year-old. I took him, nearly two-year-old. I took him to the City Farm, which is a farm in Kentish Town in London. Oh, yeah, it's for urban children, I know.

Yeah, exactly. And I took him there. It's for urban children. Yeah, it is. It is for urban children. So he's urban. I took him there. Very loud music there

isn't it like grime he had a VW thing around his neck on a chain oh god how old fashioned is that

but yeah so I take him there now and again and he really likes it and it's good to get him used to you know animals and all that

and then so you know he's playing with the chickens and I'm saying look at that chicken doing this and he's there and it's great and then, so, you know, he's playing with the chickens and I'm saying, look at that chicken doing this and he's there and it's great. And then we were back home and I said, do you want some chicken?

Do you want some chicken for you? And he looked at me. And you can tell he was thinking, hold it, we're not eating those things that you encouraged me to play with at City Farm, are you? And me going, no, no, not that kind of chicken! And for the first time

though, I thought, ooh, should we be eating them? You know, there are people who we encourage our children to... Well, they're not people. Let's make that clear. Can I say I don't eat people? In case that gets taken out of context. This is how Imin Meinfeld started.

Throw away reference on a radio show. I don't think it is how he started it. It's not how he started it. He won an award. I'll do a reference on his radio show. I'll do my Wikipedia. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Are we still sort of in email corner? Well, do you want to hear the jingle? I'll just do it in my email corner. There you go. Lovely. This is from Malk. He says, hi guys. I like the economy of hi guys.

It's friendly. Yeah. He says, just boiling loads of water to clear a drain. A method that many people have used in the past, but Alan seems to have patented. Oh, you're having a dig early doors. Oh, dear. Do you know what it was? It's not that I said that I've invented it or anything. I think I was quite explicit. I think I said, you know, I was staying at some other people's place and I did it and looked for me macho. Very rare moment

that I do any DIY with any success and now I'm living off the tail somewhat. This is to block a blocked drain. Yeah, quite often when people run cold water and fat down the drain, the fat congeals so the hot water

and the hot water can really clear that. I mean, this Malc's suggesting that it's a, yes. I didn't know. The hot water can really clear that. I mean, this... Malk's suggesting that it's a commonplace, but I didn't know. I've got some other DIY tips. If you're ever changing a light bulb that you can't reach, a chair can make a useful ladder. No way, that's...

I stand on it with heels as well. Yeah, yeah. Four-inch platforms. Can I say that Absolute Radio do not encourage people standing on chairs in their houses as a on-site thing. Can I just say, Alan, your hair looks great. Did you put some product on it?

I did a tiny bit. I thought you did, because it was very flat this morning, and now it's bouffant. Have you noticed? It's got really bouffant. Yeah, it looks like anyone who used to read The Hurricane. Skid Solo's hair looked exactly like that. I don't like where this is going. Lovely, though.

Congratulations. Anyway, Mark's not gone. I didn't know about hot water. I use, if I get a blocked train, I use Mr Muscle. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I do as well. He's that gay bloke at number 71. He comes round with a blonder.

Aren't you actually sweet? That gay bloke. He comes round with a blonder. Aren't you sweet? If it's just a small blockage, I use Mr Tendon. Unbelievable. OK, knowing his parsimonious nature, this is Alan, not Mr Muscle. He's very generous, I believe. He's very carefree and very nice bloke. It's quite a laugh, actually.

When you tell me this story, anyway, I'll tell you after. I was wondering what he recommends as the best way to heat the water. Kettle, using just electricity. Oh, he's getting proper sarky now. Sarky-malky, I call it. Boiling pans of water on the hob, using just gas? Or how about running the water until it's hotish, then filling the kettle with it until it boils?

Talk about first-world problems. I appreciate your agreeable show. That's from Malk. Tell you what, Malk, even if I did know what... Easy. Easy. Even if I did know what the most frugal way of doing it was, I wouldn't be telling you, pal.

Oh, no. You don't deserve my help. Oh, he's brought out pal. I have to say this. He's all right. He's just pulling your leg back. I know, I know. He's just doing a jay-z.

He's pulling your leg. I'm teasing him back. I have to say this. During the worst period of the bad back problem, the osteopath told me, oh, heat is good for pain relief. So when I was putting a kettle on, I was putting told me, oh, heat is good for pain relief. So when I was putting a kettle on, I was putting a full kettle on, making a cup of tea or coffee, and then putting the rest of the hot water into a hot water bottle.

Oh, thank God for that. Sticking it on your own. I was going to say, you just poured it straight down your back. Yeah, I was pouring it exactly on my back. Oh! Let me show you the scars. Oh, can you imagine that? But a kettle for a tea and a hot water bottle, and then I was sometimes taking the water

out of the hot water bottle once it had gone cold and pouring it on the garden. I remember how Terry... Oh, that's a lot of use out of one kettle, isn't it? I remember how Terry was, when he was living at home, he was drinking a lot. He woke up in the night really thirsty and he drank out of the hot water bottle and threw up.

Well, all the best stories here on Absolute Radio. What about that email you sent this week, Frank? Yes, well, I've got an app called Celeberlike, I think, and when you put your picture in and it tells you who you look like. So I put a picture of Barzine, who, remember, is nearly two, and I've got Steve and Gerard. I think they just go after ginger, eh? I'm still laughing at the pronunciation of Gerard.

People always pull me up on that. Me and David Baddiel specifically. So I thought, oh, that's stretching it a bit, isn't it? So I thought I'd put a picture of me, and I thought, well, I'll probably get me, if you think about it. Well, not with that driver off to the radio. No, exactly. I don't doubt if Colin Crompton's on their database.

But anyway, I put a picture of me, and you've all guessed it. Osher. Was the lookalike. Took the words right out of our mouth. Yeah, exactly. I thought I won't ask you to guess, it's so obvious. I thought you looked quite like him. We started exchanging emails

and the girls on the show, I'm saying like I'm not the girls, I'm some, I am a girl. Daisy and Charlie, they got excited. Daisy went, oh look, I've got Liz Hurley. I am a girl. Daisy and Charlie, they got excited. Daisy went, oh, look, I've got Liz Hurley. A little bit self-congratulatory, if you don't mind me saying. Yeah, but I have to say, the two pictures, they did look really, really alike on those pictures. All right, OK, fine, take sides.

And then Charlie got... Who did you get, Charlie? Lisa Faulkner. Lisa Faulkner. Not bad. I got Kate Garroway. She's a lovely woman and she's very attractive. I've got a friend who's obsessed with Kate Garroway. She's a lovely woman and she's very attractive.

I've got a friend who's obsessed with Kate Garraway. Have you? Who is it? Yes. Who is it? Tell you in a few minutes. That's the Joe Pasquale's follow-up to I've Got A Song That'll Get On Your Nose. I've got a friend who's obsessed with Kate Garraway.

Cockrell wouldn't do it. Do you know why he does? Everybody was doing the reply to all, weren't they? It was a bit like when people in an office have a reply to all friday afternoon when they're a bit bored at work yeah we had a real sort of bonding sending all these lookalikes and then i spilt the whole thing no cockrell sport the whole thing because he said i won't spend 69p on an app no i said i haven't got the room on my foot my phone's been having a bit of a meltdown i just don't have the room on your phone in the modern world 69p was the problem i have got the 69p. I just don't have the room on your phone in the modern world. 69p was the problem. I have got the 69p, so I just don't have the room.

So Emily looked him up. Turned out all right, didn't it? It was. It was Bieberlicious. Young Justin Bieber. Bieber Belieber. A young Justin Bieber as opposed to an old Justin Bieber. Not the recent one, the tattooed sort of lunacy.

Was it fresh-faced, shaven head? And then I thought, I've got a brilliant joke here, and I'll send them all roaring. So I sent a picture of former Faroe Islands goalkeeper Jens Martin Knudsen, who I thought looked like Alan Coffman. Didn't get one reply. It was one of those... I couldn't work out who it was.

I thought it was Tom York. It was the cyber version of the clarinet anecdote. I'm still trembling at the very thought of it. Anyway, look, if the good Lord spares us and the critics don't rise, we'll be back in this time next week. Can I say thank you very much for the many, many texts congratulating me on the Doctor Who stuff. That's lovely of you.

And now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. of you and now get out