The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Chores

Episode Date: August 17, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank returned this week and was joined by Emily Dean and Steve Hall. Frank has been recognised a lot lately - and not always for the right person! The team also discuss Paxman's beard, their favourite household chores, Oprah's shop incident and we find out how Emily's latest Edinburgh jaunt went...

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Shit. I nearly swore at the end. Welcome back, Frank. Hi, everyone. Bye. Rusty as hell. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text us on 8-12-15.

Why don't you? I've missed it. I didn't get any texts at all while I was away. And you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. Oh, Mr Corbett. Mm. So, let me start like this.

I'm with Emily Dean, and also Steve Hall is here today. Good morning. Steve Hall is all over this show like a rash. He's got his little feet under the table. He's the house guest who around Thursday says I couldn't stay another week.

Anyway, it's always a joy. Although I haven't played this for a while. And they don't give you money, these house guests. I'm sorry. Sorry. These house guests, I haven't played this for a while. And they don't give you money, these houseguests, Frank. I'm sorry. Sorry. These houseguests, they don't buy anything. They might get, like, something a bit useless,

like a box of chocolates or something. They'll never actually buy bread. No, you're right. Next week, the hint is taken. Next week, I'm coming in with chocolates and bread. Thank you. Um, anyway, I was... I got a car in this morning.

I don't, uh... I don't walk into Absolute Radio at that time of the morning anything could happen people on their way home is what you pass at that time of the morning in London not people going out and they're all on the ecstasies I can't walk around

that's coincidentally actually as I mentioned that I don't know if I ever told you, but I did an interview with, I think, The Guardian. Lovely. And the woman who was interviewing me, this is a couple of years ago probably, said, oh, a friend of mine was on a train with you. She sat opposite you. And she said, you did Ammonitrate for the whole journey. Wow. I thought, people are the screed.

Obviously it wasn't true. That's a bit of a gay drug, isn't it? I believe. It is if you have enough of it. They all are, I find. I find 10 pints of mild can be a gay drug. Depends where you are, what kind of mood you're in. It's not normally the sort of thing you associate with a train journey.

I tell you what, it's kind of like a Kit Kat. with a train journey depends on your i don't associate it with and that's um breakfast radio so yeah let us move on can i say that i'm anti-drugs as is the absolute radio um institution um so uh we uh yeah so it was obviously a case of mistaken identity. Yeah. And then this morning I got the car and the guy said to me, I gave you a lift seven years ago from Reading. And I thought, I wonder if it's me, because I don't, I mean, we're all in Reading occasionally, I think we'll admit that. And I just go to look at that big wind farm thing at one end of the football ground.

They've got an entire wind farm propeller thing and apparently it just operates the till in the club shop. That's all the power it generates. But anyway, and he said, do he said yeah i'll pick you up and i'll drop you down by um you you were by maddox street you got dropped off i thought i don't know what you're talking about i don't know where but i said yeah yeah oh oh you know when you did that oh yeah oh rings and then he said we drove on for a bit. He said, you know why I remember that journey? And I thought, was I doing it?

I said, no. And why? He said, you gave me a £50 tip. I thought it wasn't me. It so wasn't you, darling. It definitely wasn't me, under no circumstances. But what a great case of mistaken identity. You know what?

I think that was Norton. He strikes me as a big tipper. Do you mean in Reading or on the train? That would change the Shaggy song. You tipped very generously. It wasn't me. Yeah. But then I thought, because I thought, well, that's great, because he now thinks I'm the black guy. He's probably told lots of people that story,

and it's great publicity for me being a good guy. Then towards the end of the journey, I started to think, hold on a minute. He's not anticipating some sort of tip, is he, at the end of this? And that covers every journey he's ever going to make. Yeah, and I thought that was fair enough. But what a lovely case.

I was mistaken for someone generous. Lovely. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've heard from the outside world already, Frank. That's exciting. You've been spotted on your travels, on your sojourns. Simon at work in Wimbledon has emailed to say, Morning, troops. How did Buzz enjoy Cropridy?

Simon says, I saw him and Frank mooching down the towpath last week, not making any eye contact, although seeing as I'm a six-foot-five crop-haired goon with nine teeth and currently rocking a full ginger Brian Blessed, amazingly currently single, Miss D, it's hardly surprising. He asks, did you glamp it up on a canal boat or mingle with the hoi polloi in the fields? I did neither of those things.

I drove down on the morning and drove back that night. Which I think was for the best, really. He says the Levellers were the best band followed by the Pete Bog Fairies. Did he? We're all in top 12. I thought Nick Kershaw

sang like a beautiful angel. I'm a big Kershaw fan. And I met Tom Robinson as well. Very nice. How's he these days? Well, a friend of mine was on a train journey sitting opposite him. No, obviously he's changed in many ways, but he seemed... He had a walking stick, actually.

Oh. Which always looks good, doesn't it? I almost dream of an injury. but he seemed, he had a walking stick actually. Oh. Which always looks good, doesn't it? I almost dream of an injury. There was once I did my back in and I got legitimately, the hospital gave me a walking stick. He looked so good with a walking stick. My dad's got a walking stick.

It's a bit Sir John Gale good. Does he carry it well? He carries it well. Well, he had polio, so it's a sort of necessary thing. I don't want to take things down. That's cool. He's the coolest polio survivor in town. But you couldn't say that when Ian Dury was alive. No, no.

Okay. Well, I just think, I like the idea of looking like the slightly crippled ballet master. That's what I want to look like. I think we all do, deep down. So, yes, i went to the i i got to be honest with you and i know probably as a music radio presenter i shouldn't say this but i don't i don't love festivals don't you frank i don't why not because i find one thing that you can never really get at a festival is cozy oh how do you say cozy i thought you're gonna say something else and i like to I like to be cosy.

You know what I mean? I like to think, ooh, and I'm always out. When you're at a festival, you're always out, even if you're in a tent. I know what you mean. You're out. It's a long time to be out, three days. Were you in a tent then? No, but if I'm on about when you are. Okay.

So you went to Crop... Where is Crop Radio? Crop Radio's in Oxfordshire, and it's the festival. It's built around, really, Fairport Convention, the folk rock legends. And they close it, but there's all sorts of other people. Who else was on? Alice Cooper was on. Oh, lovely. Not that folky. It's just music.

Did he have all his leathers on? I missed Alice Cooper. He was on the night before. Is he doing a folk version of any of his songs? Does he do schools out with a hey nonny nonny? I don't know. I'm guessing not. And I went to buy a super long hot dog from a store. I think that's what they were described as. Oh, yeah. And you have to be careful with a super long hot dog. You're not just buying a super long hot dog from a store i think that's what they were described as oh yeah and uh you

have to be careful the super long hot dog you're not just buying a super long bap with a normal sausage cut into two and put in both ends and then filled with onion but it was it was a long sausage i must say and the man said to me yeah i so i was getting served and the bloke who was, like, not serving me, but who clearly was the boss of the stall... He was the gaffer. ..said, um, Oh, well, we've met before. And everybody in the queue started staring at me, and I thought, Oh, no, I've been identified now.

And he said, Um, I sold you a corn on the cob at Gay Pride. LAUGHTER Well, maybe you did. That's fabulous. I sold you a corn on the cob at Gay Pride. Well, maybe you did. That's fabulous. I've obviously got a gay look in me. He's called Graham Norton. But I've been to Gay Pride in Brighton,

and maybe I did buy a corn on the cob. Did you give him a sizeable tip? Financially? See? I really did not. No, no, I never tipped my hot dog man. I think that's getting a bit too far. And then I had one of those things where someone came up to me and they said, ah, now, what's your name?

And I never want to say my name because it's a bit desperate. And he said, he was a kid. He was about, I say a kid, he was about 16 or 17. He said, oh, come on, what's your name? What's your name? And I said, I don't i don't you know you have to you have to come up with my name and he said um oh would i be right in saying would i be right in saying that you won a national television award and i said maybe i didn't oh i

never have i never have. I never have won one. But I wasn't going to say, no, that wouldn't be right. Because I thought, well... He might have thought you were Stephen Tomkinson. That's your other looky-likey. That's it, yeah. I think he's going to say Stephen Fry.

I should have worn that seatbelt, looking back. But anyway, then he said, hold on, he's my... Dad! Dad! So then his dad came over and he said what's his name by now it's you know he's pointing at me like i'm in like i'm a wardrobe he's what's his name and his dad says um frank oh oh the dad's doing well and then his dad says frank oh where's your mother? Your mother will know. And I thought, what? I need an entire family now to identify me.

Where's my agent? That's what I thought. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, you were talking about Tom Robinson earlier. 131 says, Frank, did Tom give you some barley about Tom Robinson earlier, 131.

Says, Frank, did Tom give you some barley water? Robinson's barley. I hope that isn't some seedy joke. No, but it's 131. He's one of our regular punners. Oh, that's all right. He's all in black as well, Tom. Of course he was.

I don't understand the all in black people. You know, people that never, ever wear anything. Johnny Cash, OK, but that's it. Particularly in the hot weather, he'd have been suffering. But you do see, I always associate it generally with mental illness. People are all in black. Or people in the fashion industry. Especially if, you know, people in England

who wear one of those boot lace ties, Valero ties, and like a mott leather, oh God, be careful. It's right up there with more than four badges. That's a sign. I was balera ties and like a Mott leather Be careful It's right up there with more than four badges As a sign And of course lined writing paper In letters

Okay So yeah so I was at Cropredy That was my festival of the summer And I'll tell you what it was A dad came up to me With his son, who I'd say was about 12 or something. I'm not very good at guessing the ages of children.

That would be a quote that we'll hear from some celebrity of an extra-large. And he... I signed a... I had a photo with a kid, and the kid said to me, Oh, you're a lot taller than you look on the radio. Which I thought was quite a funny thing.

And off he went. And then he came back about ten minutes later. I just want to say this as a thank you. And he gave me a Cornetto. Lovely. I never get a thank you for having a photo. Did you eat the Cornetto? I did eat the Cornetto.

How did you feel afterwards? Well, as you probably guessed, for having a photo. Did you eat the Cornetto? I did eat the Cornetto. How did you feel afterwards? Did you wake up three days later? Well, as you probably guessed, there was a little bit of dog excrement towards the pointy end. So hard to tell. Well, you know, a joke's a joke. I like a practical joke as much as the Vespa.

No, I didn't detect anything in it and I didn't go, oh man, everything's orange after I'd eaten it. Okay. It wasn't that kind of festival. And now it's like a Woodstock. Hey, man, there's some bad Cornettos out there. Yeah, exactly.

It wasn't like, yeah, I don't think there was any... It's been a very drug talk this morning. What do I know about it? I had a junior aspirin in 64. That was the last one. That'll be another quote. So, yeah. But then, oh, now.

This guy said, this guy come up to me. He's still at the Fairport Convention. He's still there. He had a shaved head. Oh. Talking a bit taxi driver. Which at a folky festival, he's going to stick out. I just think generally.

It's aggressive looking. I'm wondering if it should be made illegal along with all dogs. It's a controversial policy. Well, someone has got to clean up this mess. I don't like it. I'm not going to lie. I know he's not here to defend himself. I don't like it when the cockerel shaves his head.

He doesn't shave. He has a closed crop. It's a bit keeper of the order. I don't like it. He goes kind of suede head doesn't he i think the cockerel is a man who went to drama school but has never quite lost that northern need to appear a bit hard but he is quite he is quite a hard man the cockerel easy yeah why are we talking about mike his next boyfriend he's still around yeah anyway he looks very hot so it's fine

but the the shaven creature approached you. Yeah, so he... And there's a thing... This has only happened to me about three times, but he put his arm round my neck for the photo and then he squeezed quite hard. Oh. And...

Yeah. I didn't like it. No. He had sportswear on as well, which is another very bad sign. What were the shoes? Sportswear at the Fairport Convention Festival. When you say sportswear, what, an England shirt or something?

Oh, I think it actually, it had Man United on it, but it wasn't a Man United shirt. It was a sort of a club shop coat, I mean. It's a step up the bunny ears behind the head. That's, that's, that's kind of, that's route one. You know what, what are we going to do about these people? That's route one. You know, what are we going to do about these people? What are people like us, sort of just gentle people who like to read,

what are we going to do about people like that? Well, there was that judge who... No! What are we going to do about it? That's this morning's text. 8.12.15. Are you talking, Frank, so people... Also today, I must play the next record, This morning's next day. Are you talking, Frank, so people... Is it the shape change? Also today, I must play the next record, but also this week, I was driving down a road

and there was a big line of traffic on the other side and I thought, well, obviously this car will pull in and the car didn't pull in, it just kept going. So I had to back up, even though the traffic was on the other side of the road. And the man who went past, sure enough, had a shaven head. And I thought, what are we going to do? So I thought to myself, when are the good people going to do something about the bad people?

8.12.15, is sterilisation the answer? No, I don't want to do anything horrible to them. I want to re-educate. But we could start by banning the shaved head. And all dogs. But we could start by banning the shaved head. And all dogs. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

We've had some excellent text messages in already. Lee has texted to say, God help any shaved dogs in Frank's world. You do get shaved dogs, don't you? 218 says, I shaved my head about two months ago in an attempt to make my balding look intentional. I instantly look like a long-lost Mitchell brother. Depressing. That's Mike from Oxford. And he's from Oxford, so he sounds a nice boy.

He might have been at property for all we know. But, yeah, I think a lot of people do that, obviously. They're going bald, and they think, oh, well, if I shave it, people will think I've deliberately... Yeah. But, um... We know. Just FYI, we never fall for that no we know we know we think oh no you've you've you've just why don't you go for that lovely nick robinson philip larkin yeah hair just around the back and sides much nicer the balder i go people are suggesting i shave the head. And if I was to, I've got a massive face.

I've got a gigantic nose because I would look so gargoyly if I shaved my head off. How long do you think you've got? I'd give myself three or four years. Oh, sorry. I thought you'd accidentally opened his test results. Career-wise or fortnight? Hair-wise, what would you say, Frank? I think you've got seven or eight in you no you've

got the kind of hair at the front that makes me tense yeah it's it's it's sped up as well yeah but i wish you'd just make your mind up at the moment it's like watching a van on the end of a precipice with people in it anyway so um but i think you'll be all right with it because you've got that sort of you've got a kind face so you won't have that threatening horrible heart but don't shave your head anyone gonna tell me i've got a kind face please don't um 454 hi frank and emily he she didn't say steve i was gonna lie to make you feel better but we were at a pub lunch last sunday in farnham and my missus noted i was the only man in there without a shaved head. Yeah, and I hope you left very soon afterwards.

I don't know if that's a comment on Farnham implicit there. I don't know Farnham. Farnham, all I know is there's an air show, isn't there? Yeah. I think Steve Williams, who is a friend of the show, I think he's moving to Farnham. Is he? Moving to Farnham.

Steve Williams now. So he may have to shave his head. I think you've got me. That's the name of his new album, Moving to Farnham. That'd be a great, nice little album, wouldn't it? Yeah. Shall we move to Farnham just to see what happens? OK.

Great. We've had another text from Nugget. Oh, Nugget. Who says, morning, Mr Radio, Miss Emily, Wikistivia. Welcome back, Frank. Wikistivia. Oh, it's his name now. I'm stuck. He says, Frank, so you're Miss Emily, Wikistivia. Welcome back, Frank. Wikistivia. Oh, it's his name now. He says, Frank, so you're doppelganger.

Well, almost. Peter Capaldi is the new doctor. I was relieved to hear you back on our airwaves this morning as I thought you may have offed yourself after not getting the nod. Cheerful from Nugget there. You'd have been great, but I think Peter Capaldi might be pretty good, just saying.

Yes, I think that... What did you think? Because you weren't here for the big news. I did think that's my last chance gone. Because save Capaldi does three years, which is the sort of average, I think, for a doctor, not counting your Ecclestons and stuff. Yeah.

Then by... They're not going to want a doctor who looks a bit like the last doctor or the whole regeneration thing. They'll do a regeneration and the assistant will say, did it not work? And I'll say, no, no, no, I have changed, but not as much as they usually do.

So I think that's it for me. Were you pleased, though? I thought you'd be a fan of the podcast. I think it's part of Stephen Moffat's scorched earth policy of bringing an older Doctor Who, all the kids will stop watching. And when he leaves the show, the whole show will collapse around us. Now, apparently there was lots of kids

on Twitter, four, saying, oh, I won't watch it again because, you know, I don't want to watch an old man close up. Is that what they said? Yeah. Oh, they'd rather the old one who sold Peruvian hats in Camden Market. No, but if you... Who's that?

That's Matt Smith. He does look a bit like that. Yeah, I know what you mean. But he's sort of beautiful, Matt Smith. And I think Eccleston... The young always are. Tennant and Matt Smith could all be described as handsome young men. And I think the idea was that that got in your female fans.

Very patronising. That's like women going to football because they like their legs. So we'll see what happens, but I actually think he'll be brilliant. And I saw him in the Ladykillers in the West End where he spent the whole thing wearing a very, very long scarf. Oh, he knew. Hey! Hey! Isn't that weird?

Because, you know, because the long... This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We've heard from the outside world again. Rich in Isleworth on the subject of how to make Britain a better place, away from shaved dogs and the like. Yes. He said,

introduce police power on the spot checks oh sorry introduce police power on the spot checks oh okay i've got that i've got the cadence of that all wrong uh he said anyone in sportswear has to prove they can actually do the sport or be compelled to wear us style orange prison jumpsuits i think that's that would be all right that's fantastic i mean i'm worrying. I'd style it up with a belt. I don't want to make it a horrible... I'm trying to fight against people who are aggressive and right-wing, so I want to try

and find a way of making the shavy heads into nicer people. Because I can't live with them anymore. Here's a question for you, Frank. I can't live with them anymore. Simple as that. Who's worse? Cigar smokers or shaving heads? I think they're a different category, aren't they?

I think cigar smokers are less likely to rip your face off. They're just a bit obnoxious and a bit full of themselves. But I think... I'm generalising, by the way. But, yeah, they're less frightening. OK. You know, this is based on the theory that you must have heard, that only about 3% of humanity is truly good,

and only 3% is truly evil, and the rest of us are just followers. So whoever we're in the company with, we're sort of... We can be good or bad. So if we can get rid of... Cut down that 3% of the evil, everyone would be lovely. If we can just combine it into one distilled, if we can get like Katherine Jenkins in some sportswear, getting someone in a headlock. And then she can take all the evil of the world on and kind of eliminate, sort of make the average better for the rest of humanity.

Have you quite got your head around Katherine Jenkins? You know she epitomizes evil okay look in your face there like like like you'd seen damien in the omen i found it incredibly awkward um 360 has texted in hi frank and team on your show of 27th of july i like the legality of this. You talked about not liking how people said things. I don't recall, but it sounds like it could have been us. I.e., don't like hot weather. Oh, I remember that, Frank. Do you remember that?

No, it was people saying they do like hot weather. Yeah, exactly. Because they wanted to sound cool and Calypso. Yes. Instead of saying, oh, God, I hate this. They didn't want to sound all dull. On the same show, you spoke about Denise Lewis's hair being tidy and neat. My girlfriend said, doesn't he mean neat and tidy?

That's what I've got to put up with. Great show, Steve. Well, I'm sorry about that, Steve. Her hair is getting more severe every day. I love it. She's starting to look like an avant-garde artist from the 1930s. Good old Denise. That's Lewis, not Welsh.

Yeah. So, talking of neat and tidy, old Steve has been boring us somewhat this morning. He was boring me with talking about his household chores. What chores? Well, that's the thing. I'm given so few things. Did you not know that old musical joke when they say, I haven't done the chores yet, and somebody says. What chores? Well, that's the thing. I'm given so few things. Now, did you not know

that old musical joke when they say, I haven't done the chores yet and somebody says, what chores? And you say, thanks very much, I'll have a double scotch.

It's one of the great classics. Can I just say, in the context of Jaws, the film, have you seen that new shark film, Jaws? What's Jaws? That new shark, oh.

But from the 70s, as in that was when it came out. Oh, okay, that's obviously been modernised. Hmm. It could be. Have you seen the baddie in James Bond with the big teeth? Yeah, could be. This is good.

Yeah. Yes, no, my chores have been horrendous this week. Oh, what's been going on? I've let my wife down badly. I've given one thing to do, which is I'm meant to take the recycling out, and I get a bit obsessed with it, and ordinarily i'm all across it and i forgot to take it out this way recycling what what what is in it's in like a separate bag well at camden council they've now combined it used to be that you're uh you had paper separate and everything else your plastics

in your glass and what in a different box but now everything is a free for all and they sort it themselves. I don't think it's ever sorted. No, I totally agree with you, Frank. I totally agree. One can only think of the railings in World War II. You know people

used to send in tear down their railings and stuff and all sorts of give all sorts of metal for use for guns and bomb casing. And they found they were just dropping all this scrap metal in the Solent. It couldn't actually be used and recycled, but it just made people feel good they were helping the war effort. And I think recycling works the same way, doesn't it? I don't think it's actually recycled.

It's being dumped offshore somewhere. I'm not blaming them. It's a picky old business, recycling. But we all feel like we're doing something. I get obsessed because I get... Every now and then they forget they leave it and I take it personally.

You take it personally? What, by car or by thought? I do. I have to take it by hand to the nearest bin. I like a dime. I get so upset because I actually once said to my started go why do they i actually once said to my wife why do they hate me about our recycling and i had a small breakdown but see it makes you feel better because you think you're recycling yeah yeah well the motor's been removed from my eyes now now that i realize there's no point in bothering it's been dumped in the solent

on top of old railings yeah um that is a a fact, though, I think, so... Really? I'm not saying it happens now, but I am saying it happens now. I can't bear recycling. OK. I think that's the trailer sorted out. I don't mind a chore, though, around the house. Oh, I love a chore. What's your favourite chore?

I'd say... Changing nappies, I think. Oh, that's a good one. I like Changing Nappies. It's got none of the guesswork of wiping your own bottom. You can really make absolutely sure that it's spotlessly clean. Whereas, you know, it's a

it is a guessing game, isn't it? When you do it. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of hidden hope about it. Nice when it's all clean and nice as well. Love it. Nice new nappy. Oh, yes, yes, yes. It is, yeah.

You really feel like you've done him a good turn. Yeah. Yeah. I like that one. Least favourite, I would say cleaning glasses. I'm terrible at cleaning glasses. I get so smudged. say cleaning glasses. I'm terrible at cleaning glasses. I get so smudged. I don't mean spectacles.

You mean wine glasses. I mean, you know, tumblers. Well, they get... Cleaning tumblers. I had a job at the circus. No. I, um... They get so smeary.

They are. And the smears. I'll tell you something. Every glass in our house looks like we've drunk milk out of it. Yeah. And I never have a glass of milk ever. I haven't since the 70s. But it's always got that line on the top.

I tell you the worst. Champagne glasses. I find that very difficult to get into the groove. Well, glasses generally, they're a bit narrow. You can't get your hand in. Yeah. So you get those sort of so-called glass cleaning brushes that they just move the milk line so it's a bit less even

that's a horrible job i like the dishwasher though i like slotting all the elements into the grooves it's like connect four i love it i can't stand like an elaborate game of tetris that moment when you switch the dishwasher on and you look across and there's two mugs on the coffee table. They almost taunt you. Yeah. Have you ever done that thing of opening the door? Oh. And it's like, oh, water dripping down.

And somebody get the... Oh! I love it when you get a little steam. A little facial. From the steam coming out. I like that. That is a way of doing it. We'll come back to chores. What's your

least favourite and favourite chores? You, mate. Yeah, and put some pants on. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall You can text the show on 81215

some of you already have for goodness sake or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and email us through the Absolute Radio Webby I'm calling it the Webby Oh I hate that We've had a couple of different texts in from a few different people

pointing out that it's not Farnham that's got the air show, it's Farnborough. Oh. So we've let down the people of Farnborough. I'm sorry, everyone. People have suddenly done a U-turn in order to head to Farnham. I mean, I told, I said check it, didn't I? And now they're having to do another one.

I'm not saying it's today, by the way. Don't go to Farnborough today for the air show. It might be there, it might not. I mean, what is an air show? It's a stiff neck. The next day, that's all it's about. It can't be safe, can it, an air show? Well, I only associate air shows with...

If you see the news covering an air show, you know something bad's happened. Exactly, yes. Usually in Russia. Oh, do you find so? Usually in Russia, it wouldn't be a bad T-shirt logo. Anything bad happens. Oh, we've had quite a few texts and emails in, Frank.

Frankly, I don't know where to begin. Let's start with John Wilson. You were talking about people with shaven heads earlier. He says, make skinheads... Notice I say skinheads, not skinheads. Yeah. Make skinheads paint flowers on their heads. That would be good.

But really, we want to do it, don't we? Don't we? Yeah. Couldn't we... Because really, that would be... If you approach that hostile sort of guy with the shaven head, the way... Do you remember in Tiananmen...

Was it Tiananmen Square when the guy... Yes. No, it wasn't. Do you remember in Tiananmen Square? Yes. No, it wasn't Tiananmen Square. Tiananmen Square was tanks. Was it in Hungary where the guy put flowers down the turret? Yeah. Was it Hungary? Was it Hungary or Prague?

Anyway, so they put flowers down the turret of the tank and it was a beautiful example of peace triumphing over violence and aggression. Maybe we could put flowers into them. Maybe through their heads. If we could get sharp flowers, thorns, you could just slap a rose on the side of their head, on the back of their head.

Yeah. We could all wear gauntlets. If you see a man with a shaven head, slap him on the back of the head with a rose and it will be stopped there. I might leave a lipstick print on his head as well. Yeah, he'd just cover it with his hood. Oh, OK. Anyway, yes.

We've had some other texts. I like the flowers on the head. We'll work on that. 631. Frank, I work in a recycling plant and you are correct. It all gets dumped in one heap, even if it comes in sorted. Breaking news from Shadwell Ware.

That's a big news story for the day. Shadwell, the voice of controversy. We need the whistleblowers to point out the truth. That is like that guy who's going to have to live in Russia now. He's like Deep Throat. He's like Dump Throat. He will. We'll have to find him somewhere. One of us will have to put him up now because he's going to throat he will we'll have to find him somewhere one of us will have

to put him up now because he's going to be pursued by the recycling come and stay with me shadwell i love that great name this is frank skinner absolute radio we were talking about the chores the domestic chores what you like and what you don't like. We've had an overwhelming response as well. People feel strongly about this. Five, maybe? About six.

Six or seven. Okay. Dizzy Lizzy says, changing light bulbs, they scare me. I understand that, they are quite scary. But if she's got that name, Dizzy Lizzy, because of her terrible vertigo problems. How many Dizzy Lizzy's does it take to change a lightbulb? I haven't... See, the lightbulbs in my flat, they're not the dangling, put a shade on them type. They're sort of embedded in the ceiling.

Oh, yeah. If they go, I think you just have to leave them. You have to sell the house. Yeah, I think so. I wouldn't know if this was that hard. I have to change those. I'll come round, get a Doctor Who box set, because I'm up for that now. OK. Well, I've just got regenerations.

We can sit and watch all the various regenerations right the way through, and then I'll do a live Peter Capaldi of it. I'd pay good money for that. We've had some other ones, haven't we, Steve? I'd pay different money for it. Joe from Herne Hill has texted in to say his worst chore has to be changing the bed covers it's a nightmare, especially hungover

they have to be hungover I think otherwise I'd just move about in the night I find it depends what kind of a week I've had I find on how difficult I find it how often are you supposed to change bed covers? once a week

oops I'll ask the cleaner I don't know what he says it. How often are you supposed to change bed covers? Once a week. Oops. I'll ask the cleaner. I don't know. Do you ever find that fitted sheets there's not much give in it. You only get to the end and you're like, how do you get it over the corner of the mattress? And if you read

I've done it when you really, really force it over and the mattress is slightly raised in one corner like an old sandwich because you forced over the fitted sheet can't they just give a bit more in a fitted sheet no because then it'll go wrinkly in the mid area in the midfield if it closed if it closed like tighter underneath rather than just around the edges are you with me like i am with you yeah but it ends up looking like the bed has put on weight like it had the sheet fitted and then it's

put on a few it's trying to fit into a size zero now and it's not working exactly that is terrible i'm thinking now in my in my bed wetting days i could have maybe i wonder if i could have forced the shower cap over the bed looking back it would been tight, but it would have been worth a try. I could have put one on me, I suppose. I could have just sat in one, like a frog on a lily pad. Tone from Battersea is a slightly unusual chore that they enjoy. I don't know if Tone could be a male or a female, but their favourite chore is,

I love hooking a sausage from under the cooker as you get a few treats you didn't expect. So possibly from that tone may actually be some sort of canine who's looking for treats. Yeah, because I wouldn't have thought it happens a lot to hit a sausage under the cooker. Or is there an Alan Bennett play? Yeah. Yeah, I never go under the cooker anymore. There used to be bits down there.

See, I grew up with a dog and there was, you wouldn't find a sausage anywhere. That used to be the joy of just throwing meat into the air and it never landed. The dog would just take it like a dolphin at some sort of display. Frank Stephen Watford says, dear all, mixing all the recycling is called

co-mingling. A lot of councils are introducing it. I believe they do it in mortuaries, crematoriums. I was told that it all gets all mixed up together and if you go around for your relatives ashes, they just dip some out

and you get all sorts. But you know, it's the thought that counts. We've had one final chore. Tony Harris, his least favourite chore is lifting my feet so the missus can vacuum under them. That's a text that's taken nearly 40 years to come through. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, you know who we've heard from? Do you remember Emma Jackson, the athlete? Oh, yes. The 800-meter runner. She was at a big tournament,

and she was listening to us before a race, I think. She's one of our celebrity listeners. Didn't she have a smiley Korean in the same room? I seem to remember. I beg your pardon? There was a smiley Korean in the same room, and she thought he was smiling at her because she was laughing at the radio. She has texted us this morning.

Exciting. I love a celebrity who gets involved. Now, I don't mind her wearing sports gear, if that's her gripe. No, no, exactly. She's entitled. She says, strangely, I love sweeping the kitchen floor. I think it makes me feel a bit like Cinderella. No, I didn't think people still sweat.

Do people still sweep? Again, you'd have to ask my cleaner. Do you think she's got one of those brooms like what the witches have? Yeah. I don't know. I thought you just vacuumed now. Well, there was still... Someone help me with this. There were still sweepers out there, clearly.

Okay, well, it's great. We sometimes sweep. We've got a... It could be part of a regime, for all we know. We sweep a bit. Do you? Yeah, because we've got a... We've got a sort of... You know, the place we rent's got, like, laminate flooring. Doesn't it bring up a lot of dust? Yeah, well, you can get rid of it. That's, you know, generally getting rid of the dust is a good idea. Yeah, but when I

used to, when I was a labourer in a glass factory I used to have a squeezy bottle full of water. I had to squirt that on the dust before I could sweep up so the dust didn't rise up and irritate people. You see, you in a glass factory, given your hatred of the smear on the glass, I can imagine that work you found that very tricky. I know. Do you know what?

We weren't allowed to throw stones either. Frank, you know what we need to talk about this morning? We haven't discussed Jeremy Paxman. Oh, yes. This happened while you were away. He grew facial hair. He's become something of a silver fox. Yeah, I saw the pictures of him

and I saw a clip of him being bearded. I've seen him a little bit bearded before, might I tell you. Really? Have you? When I met him on a plane coming from, I think, from Spain. He'd been on a desert island for some time. No, he said he'd been trout fishing in Chile. Wow.

Which is up there with smoking a cigar. It's almost salmon fishing in the Yemen, but not fishing. This is before salmon fishing in the Yemen. It was the prequel. Did he turn left? I suspect he did. It wasn't that kind of a plane. It was a sort of Ryanair type of a plane.

No, very much not a private jet. So he was slumming it, as they say. People got very excited. There's been quite a media frenzy about Paxo's beard. Well, there's been a Twitter storm, I should imagine. I haven't seen a Twitter storm. What is that?

A Twitter storm? You'd think, oh, it may have been a tremendous amount of analysis and wit. What it is, it's quite a lot of mentioning. Yeah. Yeah. Hashtagging. People say things like, check out Paxman's beard. You've got to do more.

I think you've got to do more than that. If you're going to go into the written word, you've got to do something rather than say, Paxman's beard's looking a bit grey. You need more than that. Yeah. It's about time they upped their game a bit, the Twitter art. It's been all over.

People have got, and then the press just quote the tweets, but I haven't seen such media obsession with a beard since Katie Holmes got divorced. It's been all over the show. Oh! Well, did you see that picture of Emily Maitlis? Emily Maitlis, yeah. She said she was going to grow a moustache just for a bit of a newsreader joke.

And they did a mock-up of her with a moustache. And I have to say, she looked hot. She did look fantastic. You see, some people suit it. Arantxa Sanchez, Vicario, not so much. No, but I have thought this before. I did Let's dance for comic relief i was there and jordan was on doing um freddie mercury oh yeah she had the big tash and it looked

it really suited excellent so i think you know women are sort of across the board now or auntie mr i just think give it a try and have a look at Women are anti-moustache, yes. They are rather anti-moustache. Yeah, never mind fracking. Stop shredding. That's my message. We were talking about Jeremy Paxman's beard, which I've been enjoying as an exclamation. It sounds like something Ron Burgundy would say at Anchor Hour. Paxman's beard, which I've been enjoying as an exclamation. It sounds like something Ron Burgundy would say

at Anchor Hour. Paxman's beard! Yeah, like... There is a beard one that used to be for us. Oh, is there? Something like that, yeah. It's quite a satisfying thing to do with newsreaders. Nicholas Whitchell's toadying sneer.

Remember Perry White's Great Caesar's Ghost? That was a good exclamation. Perry White was the editor of the Daily Planet in Superman. That's where Superman worked. I've only ever had one encounter with Jeremy Paxman, which was I was queuing behind him in an Indian restaurant in Edinburgh. Mother India. Oh, yeah.

And I loved that he was still Jeremy Paxman in public because there was quite a long queue and the waiter came up he was ahead of us in the queue and the waiter came up to me and said, I'm really sorry it's going to be another 20 minutes. To which Paxman went, you said that 20 minutes ago!

That's so how I want him to be. I think he was treating that waiter like he was Michael Howard. I saw him at the Barbers last week and exactly the same thing happened. Stalled off, and sure enough. Well, I... I like the beard, Frank. I was at the Test match with Jeremy Paxman.

Oh, lovely. And John Burt, the Director General of the BBC, said, I've just had a message to say that John Major has resigned. And Jeremy Paxman turned around and he actually said, I've just had a message to say that John Manger has resigned. And Jeremy Faxman turned around and he actually said, he's done what? Like they do in the films.

And they had to send a fast car so he could be whisked off. Oh my God, that's so glamorous. And he was on Newsnight that night and he got like a bit of a stripy blazer on from his test match thing. He's done what is excellent work. He's done what? Did he then say, what the?

He didn't say what the. He should have. If he had have done, I'd have gone, I'd have said dot, dot, dot at the end. I imagine he'd have got quite aggressive. I have to say, I like the beard. It's quite sort of saw Nicholas II. Yeah.

He looks a bit like Ben Fogle. He looks like a sort of slightly elder Ben Fogle. Oh, do you think so? Am I alone in this? You're looking at me like I'm a madman. No, no. I think he's got such a long face that he's a man who can grow a beard

and not have to worry about it. You know, it's at the other end of the room, as it were. His face is so long, his beard looks like chest hair. Does he even know he's got a beard? He says he did it to make a point, because he said he's fighting back. He said the BBC are very anti-beards, and he calls it Pognophobia.

Apparently it's a fear of beards. Yes. I don't believe that he did it as a protest. It's a dirty protest. Now, I think... Didn't he think I haven't been in the papers for ages? Oh, do you think so? Yeah.

That's gone a bit Jerry Halliwell, Jerry Paxman. Well, you know, we all have these moments when we think that. I like it when TV presenters... I think it every day. No, but I like it when a TV presenter grows a beard. It points towards possibly some private chaos going on in their lives. Yes. They're sleeping on the sofa, it's all gone a bit wrong. It's sort of a

delayed midlife crisis, like the next thing, he'll open a microbrewery, he'll start a music blogging website just to show he's going to move to Shoreditch. Maybe he got really drunk and had St. Gargoyle tattooed on his chin. And now he's stuck with it. He's got that nice thing, because he's got grey hair,

but the beard, there's still good patches of colour. So it's like he's kind of going, yeah, I'm still young. What about if he had I Love Poppers tattooed on his face, and he's at a party, and he woke up the next morning and thought, oh my God!

I've done what? And he's had to grow a beer to cover it. That's what I like the sound of. Well, he was in that train carriage with you. He got impotent. That's who it was. It's all come back to me now, hasn't it? The confusion this morning has been...

a lot. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Right, you know where we haven't wandered into this morning? I do. And do you know why we haven't wandered into E-mail Corner? Why?

I can't find the jingle. Oh, we're going to have to sing it. Shall we do it acoustic style? Oh, God. Oh, no, no, I've got it. OK. I've forgotten how to do this, Sharon. Have you?

Yeah, it's too technical. It's like riding a bike. You're good at no, I've got it. Okay. I've forgotten how to do this show. Have you? Yeah, it's too technical. It's like riding a bike. You're good at that. I've got buttons and stuff. Here we go. Email corner. That was me. Yeah, I thought I'd add a bit.

I like it. Let's kick off with Celia Potter. Let's kick off here on Absolute Radio. First Saturday of the season. I'm going to rock and roll football. What do you think, righty? That's another football promo. Celia Potter.

I like the sound of her. It's lovely. Celia Potter. That is a good name she says dear Frank DME and the cockerel apologies Steve

but that's the way it goes that's life in a recent podcast you mentioned an old topic of things oh we must have been a bit slow on news

that week of things you don't believe in I don't believe anyone's dreams when they say guess what I dreamt last night well

this led me to wonder what little things you do believe in my auntie ann who is an educated bright successful woman believes in fairies she absolutely swears down that as a child she saw one what do you and your readers believe in i like swears down yeah i like that phrase yeah yes a lot of people believe in angels and things don't they i normally i don't i believe in god you say once you believe in god all bets are off it's a tricky question saying i prefer god to angels and myths do you believe in to a deep to a deeply religious man that's a tricky you know i can see why people would lump those with fairies and things i much prefer god to fairies yeah i

think that's a general rule yeah and i much prefer god to angels oh i don't like angels i think it's very egotistical it's like i've got this special person looking after me just me that's what angels is about your version of robbie williams song would be very different yeah mine would be cool. And all along when I've got to pay my house bills and I've got to book a train journey and I can't find my socks. I love, I'm loving PAs instead.

Yeah. I'm hiring PAs instead. Little tip for all of you there. She does offer you protection as well. She does, not since I've settled down. I do, as I mentioned on here before, I do, my last remaining superstition is I do salute magpies. Do you, Frank?

Absolutely. But I don't say, good morning, Mr Magpie, because I think it's a bit sexist. We're told to do that. I can't, because I can't sex them outside. I just, I just salute. That's never occurred to me. I do say hello Mr Magpie, how are the wife and kids, and I've never realised

before. Yeah, what if you don't say that? Female magpie is quite talky about. People are going to think you're some sort of eccentric. Well, I do. I do. what, if there's people about, I do a really, just like I'm slightly scratching my eyebrow, but I am saluting. I'll make that absolutely clear. I will not pass a single magpie without a salute. It's tricky, because I live next door to Alan Pardew,

so I have to say hello to the magpie. Excellent. I thought you were going to say Alan Partridge. Yeah. I got really confused. I thought you say I love Mr. Blackburn. Excellent. I thought he was going to say Alan Partridge. Yeah. I got really confused. I thought he's got the wrong bird. There's a Tumblr account called I'm Alan Partridge which mixes Partridge quotes. And can I say a Tumblr is the type of pigeon?

This is the most ornithological link I've ever done. Now, we've had a few more texts on the chores issue. What chores? I'll have a glass of wine. Okay. What, with a meal? Do you like to just curl up on the sofa? Nice glass of wine.

Oh, with a nice glass of red, like a man on a dating website. Nice pinot noir. I've heard that. Carry on. Mike in Oxford has texted to say his favourite chore is hoovering an essentially already clean floor.

His least favourite, cleaning the toilet in a shared house, the domestic equivalent of diffusing a bomb. Which sounds like some kind of passive-aggressive comment to his flatmates. I can't see any joy in hoovering an already clean floor. You don't get any sense of having what you've done. I can't see any joy in hoovering now days. What about hovering? I've always dreamt of that. And we've had some tweets.

Marcus Borg said his least favourite chore is mowing the lawn as next door's cat regularly leaves the feline version of landmines. I thought they buried it, cats. I thought they did. I don't think that's a cat you've got on your hands. Yeah, that's a goose that's blaming the cat. Just a very angry neighbour. Or maybe a small angry neighbour.

That's also possible. Peter the Wild character. This is a slightly worrying thing, but I don't have a cover on my Kindle. Oh, yeah. So when I put it on the bedside table at night, last week I thought to myself, you know, this is going to start to get really dusty.

And then I thought, oh, no, of course it won't, because it's like a different page every night. Now, that is... And then I thought, ah! Why did I ever think that? So that is a worry. I'll tell you what I've also taken to, is when I've put the rubbish out

when I walk back into the flat just before I close the door I shout and stay out this is very satisfying I love that you do comedy for yourself it gets a laugh the first time not the ninth you know I think bins are barbaric anyway

why can't they invent something better an old black sack in the corner with all tuna and beans. It's disgusting. I used to live in a block of flats in the if you put them down a chute. When you stick them down a chute. Mr. Man of the people whore. Crikey.

This has turned into a class war unexpectedly. I've gone a bit Room 101. It's so satisfying. If a bin travels down the chute and you hear it travel down the slide and it thunks into the collective bin at the bottom of the flat, that's awesome. And when it gets stuck halfway,

I want to cry. You put the bin down the chute. You just put the bag and it goes down a little slide. No, that is lovely. That's a nice feeling when you hear it go down. Oh, yeah. And it's like a little water slide for rubbish to get to have a nice feeling where you go down. And it's like a little water slide for rubbish to have a nice time. Do you think of that man with the glasses on in that advert going to offices on the water slide?

Oh, yeah, yeah. But like, if he was rubbish. Yeah. Which obviously, can I say, isn't... Yeah? We've had a lot of people who still believe. In life after love. No.

They have strange suspicions. You know, we were talking earlier. Superstition. Yeah, superstitions. We've got Philip Bailey. Hello, I never say Bloody Mary three times into a mirror in case she is summoned. Plus, I'm not keen on the beverage. That's an old superstition.

Is it? I've never heard that. Which Bloody Mary would they be talking about? Mary, um... Queen of Scots? No, no. Isn't it Mary the Queen who killed all the Protestants? Isn't that bloody Mary?

I'm showing my ignorance there. Come on, Steve. I should know. I'm, uh... You're not going to... Mary Tudor? Yeah, maybe it is. It's going to be the one...

After all the, um... After Henry got rid of a few Catholics... few catholics then didn't she take over for a bit and get rid of her oh yeah no you're right frank she did she did she did well my kind of gal when i say that absolute absolute radio frank skinner on Absolute Radio. And you can come with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can text us on 81215. Follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email us through the Absolute website.

When the show, when I was thinking about what to play I thought I need a song that says that I'm glad to be, you know, that it's good to be back. Isn't that glad to be gay, did you? You know, something about, you know, me saying like, hello, you know, it's good to be back.

No, no, I know where... I couldn't think of one. I'm glad to hear that. Yes, it's good that nothing... So, Oprah. What? Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey, darling.

Oprah. Oprah Winfrey went into a... You can't just go around... That's the American pronunciation. ...pretending to be American. Anoint it. Willy nilly. No, no, but that's an American...

They call her Oprah, don't they? Yeah, they also say albino, which you do for some strange reason as well. And they say David Bowie. They do, yeah. They do. Grand old Oprah. Yeah. Anyway, Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah Winfrey, I say. No, no, I like your strange pronunciations. It's what makes you you. I have to say, she's a desperately fortunate woman, isn't she? You think so? Why? Well, because she's perfectly fine as a presenter and interviewer. I mean, she's fine.

Is she any better than Tricia, for example? Is she, though? I don't think she is. She's fine. But she's like this multi-power powerful woman in a minute how did that happen there is a whole very small elite branch of showbiz of people who have no discernible specialities at all it'll become massive massive massive the competition wasn't that strong you had ricky lake who wasn't that great sally jesseel, not that strong. But even so, why did any of them...

A lot of daytime TV watching, I see. Why did any of them have to become the most powerful person? She was the most powerful person in television, and that should be the most talented person in television. I'm not putting myself forward. This is getting really awkward. Anyway... Well, she's got a lot of money.

It did remind me of Bart Monkhouse saying to me, my daughter was born under a lucky star. Lionel Blair had the flat upstairs. And you can tell that joke. Oh, I love Monkhouse. You can certainly tell that joke with Oprah Winfrey, I think. Yeah, no, she does. I don't get nothing. She's fine. I'm not saying she's no good. She's fine. She's a very rich fine.

She is very rich. She's on her padlock on the fridge, though. She had what I call this week. Well, a lot of people. She is very rich. She's on her padlock on the fridge, though. She had what I call this week... Well, a lot of people aren't listening in to this. I'm going to call this MSD, which is Major Shop Disrespect. I should imagine Oprah's people spend all day going, can you believe this is happening? Most powerful. Yeah, she went into a shop in, was it Switzerland?

It was Zurich, and she was there for Tina Turner's wedding, of course. Oh, yeah. And she decided she wanted to buy a bag for Tina Turner's wedding. I love that Tina Turner's getting married. I think that's brilliant. And she saw this bag that she liked, didn't she, and asked for the assistant to... This was her version of events, we should say.

Because the shop assistant has absolutely denied it. She said, the woman said it was too expensive and she wouldn't show it to her. She wouldn't get it down. This bag that she wanted for Tina's wedding. It cost £25,000 I believe. Okay.

It was crocodile leather. Yes. Thank you Elton John. It was crocodile leather. Yes. Thank you, Elton John. That was a great film, wasn't it? That was Paul Hogan when he got a lot older and spent a lot of time on the beach. When you say a lot older, what, 18 months? But it was from the Jennifer Aniston range, so Oprah was so upset.

I didn't even know there was a Jennifer Aniston range. It's by Tom Ford. She doesn't have an acting range. So it's by Tom Ford. look is it by jennifer aniston is it by tom it's by tom ford and it's called jennifer aniston what is her participation in it the bag has been named after her and inspired by her bag that looked good in the 90s it was inspired what's wrong with you i mean jennifer aniston frank stop it jenn Jennifer Aniston is a very attractive woman, but it would be great if the bag had a top on it, which had a sort of part in it. If it's going to be inspired by Jennifer Aniston,

surely it should be bitter and associated with sadness and loss. She's getting married now. Yeah, but, you know, there's still a feeling, isn't there? Even on the day, she'll be thinking, well, it's not Brad, is it? Yeah. Oh, do you think so? there's still a feeling, isn't there? Even on the day, she'll be thinking, well, it's not Brad, is it? Yeah. Oh, do you think so? She might do a Ross and Rachel. She might say Brad's name instead of...

I mean, I think she's really attractive, Jennifer Aniston. So do I. But I haven't seen her bags. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio We've had an excellent tweet on the subject of suspicions and myths. Superstitions.

Will you two stop saying suspicions or I'm going to go. There's a reason for it which we'll discuss. Yeah. I think it was originally put in as... Anyway. Anyway, superstitions. It's a tongue twister. It's not even a... It's just a word. I can't pretend that a It's a tongue twister, that. It's not even a... It's just a word. I can't pretend that a word's a tongue twister. No. That's unacceptable.

So, on the subject of superstitions, East... He's just calling himself Easter. As in Barry's superstition, you know that. Barry's superstition. Easter says, I talk through the lyrics that's all they're it's a Twitter handle

they didn't give a real name I talk through the lyrics of the Lord is my shepherd as the plane rolls down the runway all so weird as I'm in the RAF oh wow that's fantastic

can that be oh dear that would freak out your co-pilot. The Lord is My Shepherd is the anthem of West Bromwich Albion, by the way. Oh. Hmm. Do they play that before every game?

They don't play it, but they go, The Lord's my shepherd. Or sometimes, Oh, that's lovely. My shepherd. Not much. He makes me do too much. Yeah, they haven't done that one for a while, but maybe it'll come back.

I for one would be happy to. I'm sure it's what he would have wanted. I love a staccato hymn. Yes, me too. Chris White has tweeted us. Chris White? I don't believe that a swan could break a man's arm. Load of nonsense.

Yeah, I've heard that. It's one of those when you stop and think about it, it does seem a bit unlikely. It's a bit like Johnny Cash's story that he got back on drugs because of painkillers he had to use after his ostrich broke his arm in a fight. In an ostrich fight. He wears black.

Even ostriches don't wear all black. Even ostriches, they have a bit of white on top. Oh, they're monochrome, all right. And a purple legging, I think. On an ostrich. I could be wrong about that. They inspired the kids from fame. Did they?

They liked a feather and a spangle. If you're a naturalist, I don't reprimand... I don't want to be ostracised. Oh, lovely. Did we find out about Bloody Mary, by the way? I think we did. I think, did someone say... Someone emailed, didn't they?

Charlotte. Charlotte emailed and explained, it's the daughter of Henry VIII, who was the... Yeah, but that's a different Bloody Mary, I think. No, Bloody Mary, that's right. No, that's Catherine of Aragon's daughter, yes. But Bloody Mary is something different. Bloody Mary was the queen...

So you're disagreeing with Charlotte's email. She was queen for a bit and she killed a lot of Protestants. Yes. But I think the suspicious, and I use that term correctly in this instance, Bloody Mary, like a folklore, I think that's different. Anyway. Text us if there's another Bloody Mary because I think there is. Charlotte says that this

daughter of Henry VIII had the highest kill rate for the year she was queen. Okay. Respect. And everyone she killed she put in a little dash of worcester sauce you see i completely went for that frank can we not go back to the shop in zurich with april winfrey in the jennifer aniston bag we're 25 000 pounds i'm just gonna play yes i want to go back okay so do i um because i think we need to sort this out. I'm also taking Charlotte,

what's she called? Cheryl Swayde back into the toilet. I don't want these things lingering. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We're in Zurich currently. We're in a store with Oprah Winfrey and she wants to see the Jennifer Aniston bag by Tom Ford.

It's £25,000. The lady, the assistant, has said no. Allegedly. Allegedly. Has said no. Yeah, very important we say that. Allegedly, according to Oprah, has said no. She won't get the bag down for her.

Now, obviously this became something of a story. Oprah talked about it. Oprah actually said, usually salespeople rejoice when I come to them. I bet they do. They're always hoping that she's going to buy one for every member of her audience. So they're going, you get a crocodile handbag!

You get a crocodile handbag! You get a crocodile handbag! Yeah. It's a shame because I bet she was all set up to say, give me a crocodile handbag and make it snappy. And then the woman spoiled it by saying no when she's halfway through the punchline. I mean, that is annoying.

She also said people usually press their noses against the window to see me shopping. Did she say that? I must admit, she's not... It's not exactly Rosa Parks going to the bathroom. This is the £25,000 handbag that I won for Tina Turner's wedding. Tragedy.

It's sounding a little more Kanye West. You should be honoured by my lateness. That's what it's sounding like. First they came for our crocodile handbag and I did nothing. Yeah. The nature of what she was buying was unfortunate in terms of the point she was trying to make.

But who knows what really happened, Frank? The woman's pot... Sorry, Steve. I felt quite sorry for the shop assistant. Do you see the quote in the news where she said that Oprah Winfrey cannibalised her? That's the word she used. Racist. I think some kind of Armin Miver's tribute act.

I think that sounds as you might be racist. Yeah. That's what she said. I Some kind of Armin Meyver's tribute act. I think that sounds as if she might be racist. That's what she said. I don't know why someone as powerful as her should cannibalise me on TV. Well, why choose that as a verb? Unless it's a comment on Oprah's side. Yeah, exactly. Do you ever get that, Frank?

I don't wish to be unkind. You know what? I've had virtually exactly this. I used to hire a shop but not a shop i used to hire a um office in piccadilly it's actually um it was sandy toxvicks office lovely and i bet you're okay for waistcoats i don't know if she was doing waistcoats in those days. But anyway, I hired it from Sandy. And so I used to go and write there.

And I was there. And then I got somebody phoned up and said, do you want to go to this do tonight? And it was quite a fancy do. And I knew I wouldn't have a chance to go home. and I had trousers, non-jeans type trousers on but I had a t-shirt on and I thought I need a shirt and I don't have long to get it. So there was a shop in Piccadilly

and it was one of those really posh shops and I thought I'd never normally go in there and it's going to be expensive but I really want to go to this thing. So I went across, t-shirt on and stuff and I said to the guy i need to look at some shirts he said um i don't think you'll be able to afford anything and the young assistant was sort of going i think he recognized me and the older guy um hadn't and i said i'm not

worried about i'm not being able to afford them i'm worried about worried about the not very nice nature of the shirts. Because, I said, there was one there that was pink and white stripes and a white collar. One of those. That was kind of shit. Sort of man who'd drive a toad of toad hall car. Lots of hanging out at Henley.

Sort of posh people who buy stuff that isn't very nice, when they could buy stuff that was nice. Posh people that have to live in Battersea, not the country. Well, I don't know, even the very posh. You see, I'm not going to name brands, I don't want to put you in a difficult position, Emily, but one city... Thank you, I appreciate that.

You know, the sunglasses with big chunks of horrible gold on them, and stuff that looks like yacht wear. It's when they have a portcullis down the side of the glass yeah but those sort of blazers and and you just think that's really horrible but um they don't know any better the poor souls so they have to buy it and it was one of those shops so you know i i feel that oprah's i'm calling her oprah now that's how much i've empathised. I feel her pain. Yeah, I think it's indigestion.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, I haven't seen you in a while. No, it's been two, three weeks. It's... It's been tough. I i know i feel you need a little recap on what i've been up to i do need a little recap you're quite right like a sort of i had this olive and i thought it was pitted and it wasn't it's took the end right off it this is like your

previously on er moment new readers start here is how I like to think of it. Okay. So, I've been in Edinburgh for the last two or three weeks, Bob? Three weeks. He's my sort of companion on this jaunt. Oh, okay. Did you advertise for a travelling companion like I used to do in Victorian England? He's my tonto.

And I'm doing a show with Russell Kane. We're working up there together, enjoying it enormously. It's going splendidly. Thank you very much for asking. Steve might not know that I used to Russell Kane in the Caribbean back in the 1920s. It's one of his lies, Steve. It's a long story.

He likes to lie. I stay in a different hotel every time. Me? Lie? Hank. I stay in a different hotel every time. Me? Lie? Thank. I stay in a different hotel every single time. Deal? Why? Bob, why? Is there a fat why?

Bob was in charge of... How dare you? Sorry. I've been eating no carbs. Sorry, Oprah. Different hotel each time. So a bit of a drive-by scenario going on, which is good because you don't need to tip so heavily, I find. It's also good because I think if you stay in any hotel

for more than about a week, you'll start finding faults. Well, it's interesting you should say that, my friend, because I've already started finding faults. I'd been there 40 minutes and I started finding faults. OK. It was less a hotel and more what I would call a very, very posh service department. When I say service,

so you have a man bringing room service and you have porters and things. Oh, it was posh, Frank. But it was too big. And that was my first complaint. He showed me upstairs. There were so many rooms. I know this sounds bad,

but there were too many rooms. There was too much to do. I looked at him and said, the lights are over there. So he was Scottish. Let's do the accent. Lights over there, blinds there. There was too much to do. I looked at him and said, the lights are over there. So he was Scottish. Let's do the accent. Lights over there, the blinds there.

I said, hang on, hang on. I said, this is too big. I feel really stressed about this. I said, this is like Downton Abbey. I feel like I'm running a house. This is like too many notes, Mozart. I said, what happens? There's a boiler.

I don't want a boiler. I don't want that responsibility. I don't want to take responsibility for a boiler. I think that's what the assistant said in Zuri. So, okay. I presume you weren't as expected to do maintenance on it.

I said that. I said I haven't got time because I found it really stressful. I said I feel like Dame Maggie Smith. I've been given some I need a degree in land management you said you've only got to bleed it every 40 minutes

it'll be fine I just said there's so many lights to be turned on and off I didn't want this much space oh fabulous so you're like the

Goldilocks of accommodation there's a lot to do Goldilocks of the three stars there was a lot to do so I said alright I said well you better go down now I better get started on all the stuff I've got to do so I said alright I said well you better go down now I better get started on all the stuff I've got to do

I did I genuinely said that so then I said look you know what would help if you could get me a coffee he said we don't do coffee I said what do you do he goes we only serve alcohol in the rooms what

I'm glad to see... I said, I don't want alcohol. A lot of people think that Scotland has lost its national characteristics with all the tourism, but no, they've stopped with it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can we go back to Edinburgh briefly? Yeah, let's do it.

So I'm in this very posh flat in Edinburgh. It's too big. I'm finding the maintenance of it exhausting, and I've made that very clear to the man. You have. I've asked for a coffee. He said, we want to do alcohol. So that's it.

I think he might have even offered me an Irish coffee at one point. I like compromise in any debate. I said, I don't want alcohol i just want a coffee he said there's a coffee machine there i said but i'm in a hotel i want a man bringing it on a tray and i sign a paper that's that's why i like being in a hotel i wasn't having it anyway so then i said look i'm really hungry and didn't realise, I didn't realise that this was an apartment. He said, well, there's nothing really. McEwans?

Well, I meant like solids. So solids? On a weekend? He said, there's a supermarket down the road. I said, I don't want to do a weekly shop. It's 11 o'clock at night. I don't feel safe. So then he said, we've got a banana downstairs if that helps.

If that helps? I don't want to help. I just want food. What the hotel banana? It was a singular. I like that he's got no idea who he's messing with. So he's saying there's a supermarket down there. But he has got an idea.

He's thinking posh English. It's all gone a bit oprah with the bag it does well in the end it was very difficult because then it was great because things went wrong so i felt really justified because i went to bed pulled the blind down it came clean off in my hand it was like mr bean then the headboard fell on me oh i rung downstairs i said i said look i am so stressed i was almost crying by this point. I said, I've never been so stressed in my life. This hotel, everything is going wrong.

There were too many lights to turn on. That's why they only serve alcohol, is they have to get everyone drunk enough to not mind. I said, the bed's collapsed on me, and the blinds come off in my hand. When you said the bed's collapsed on me, did he go and did he suddenly did he melt when he saw the damsel in distress he said oh dear madam

he didn't melt at all it's like that he stuck with madam though yeah he did that sounds like he's related to the cockerel's mother when i left i got my revenge steve because i said to the guy can you make sure mark gets this i gave him 10 scottish pound note yeah and he said i said there you go i said bye mark thank you and he said his name's ali so i'd got his name wrong but i didn't care you got 10 quid yeah you got 10 quid for treating you like robbie yeah i know no something wrong there sorry my life you'll put it in expenses. I always get nervous if I complain in a hotel. The only hotel I've ever complained about how bad it was

was one in Sydney. Can I name it if we're far away? No. Nope, I won't say it. And I complained because it was disastrous and then when I left they'd cloned my credit card. And I couldn't help but link the two. This is Frank skinner so i was i was uh filming this week for a um a film about performance art oh and when i'm

i don't know occasionally when you're filming you're filming, you have ideas about how things might be improved. Oh, dear. You know, you find yourself, you start a lot of sentences with the phrase, wouldn't it make more sense, dot, dot, dot. Anyway, but I thought it went fine. I thought it was all quite amiable. And one of the scenes had a robber docking it. What is this thing you're doing? It was about avant-garde performance art,

the Dadaist movement. We're back in Zurich. The woman said, I'll give you the rubber duck at the end for your baby. And I thought, that's nice. So anyway, we had a couple of debates about how things should be shot. And I noticed that the rubber dot was sort of receding a bit

and it sort of got put away. Like, oh, actually, you're being a bit awkward. Maybe I'll punish your child. So, I mean, I could have imagined that, to be fair, because I'm quite paranoid. But when we left... You think? But when we left, I said, I really enjoyed that, which

I had. I'd had a really nice day. And she said to me, yes, thank you. And thank you for all your advice. And I thought, oh, have I overstepped? And I really thought I was being nice. So, you can't... So, did you get the duck? I didn't get the duck.

Did I? She's like the soup Nazi in Seinfeld. No duck for you! Yeah. But I thought we'd had a nice time. Anyway, speaking of docking, that's what Ed Miliband should have done. Oh, he got egged. He got egged.

So forlorn. Did you see it? Well, he was smiling. He was doing that thing that people do of smiling. I don't mind. I'm fine being... I thought he dealt with it well. At least he didn't punch someone.

I'd rather he'd have punched someone. I noticed the man who threw it, by the way, had a shaven head. He did. And was wearing sportswear. What I like, when an egg gets thrown, why is there always an observer? I watched the tape a few times, actually. There's always someone going, hey, hey, hey! There was a hey, hey, hey. And a slightly screaming

woman. That was Noddy Holden. Well, it was because he did it quite indiscriminately. So there was an old lady near Miliband who also got covered in egg. And that's where I think it's out of order. If you're going to throw an egg, be a better shot. Only get the politician you're aiming for. Also, he was protesting

about the treatment of the homeless. There's a lot of homeless. I'd love a better shot. Only get the politician you're aiming for. Also, he was protesting about the treatment of the homeless. There's a lot of homeless. I'd love a nice egg. How many homeless think, oh, nice fried egg and maybe a meringue? And then people throwing them in the street. I think an egg's a strange choice of weapon. Why do people always go to the...

It's so Route 1 or get an egg. It's a bit hard as well. What about a sardine that would be better much better it would leave a smell yeah or a plum tomato because that breaks on contact i understand that's why they've gone for the egg i know but that it's the it's the hard exterior of the egg makes it more or more unpleasant i imagine they they hurt have you ever been egged yes um have you been egged i was a student in brighton i had a mini skirt on oh well you're asking for it judge judge skinner that's

what the police said the world that's um the only good thing about it is it's about the only time now you get the word pelted in the press as if they're eggs. Since the fur industry has declined. Anyway, I mean, whatever you think of head, that's not acceptable. I mean, shaving head sportswear. Let's face it, that's the only kind of debating skills they've got. Okay. That's it, really. Thanks very much if you did stick with it.

Thanks for that as well. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out will you get out Frank, Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio