The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Clowning around

Episode Date: September 21, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank, Emily and Alun discuss the Northampton Clown, Ipad-gate, Frank's week and Alun's odd shopping experience.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Hi, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And you know what? If you want to text us, we'd love it if you did. You can get us on 81215 or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email us through the Absolute website. That is my housekeeping done. I can relax and talk like a human being again. So, if you remember last week when we weren't here,

but we were here in recorded form, I said I was going to go to a wedding on Saturday. I was accompanied by Emily Dean. I say accompanied, we were in the same room. We made our own ways there. We were at the same wedding. We barely spoke all day. Awkward.

No. I thought it was, in a way, it was beautiful. We just had conjugal the night before. You promised. You did promise Oh I promised alright Actually I think you said conjugal You meant madrigal

We did a bit of medieval chant The night before You know it reminded me I heard Johnny Cash interviewed once He was talking about his friendship With Bob Dylan. And they said, are you very close?

He said, we're so close. We once went fishing and we didn't speak to each other for four hours. And at the time I thought, that doesn't sound all that close. I've had car journeys like that with women all over the world. But I realised that day, we just knew we were there. The warm glow. Every now and again we'd look across and I could see Emily deep in conversation with someone.

So I knew she was all right and it was smashing. Oh, yeah. Well, you had responsibilities. I did. My child was the ring bearer. Oh. It was very... It was a good comedy moment.

It was. Because he asked for it back, didn't he? Yeah, he handed over the ring and then he wanted it back. And usually with a baby you'll give in, but obviously the brides can be stubborn. They can be stubborn with the ring thing. Rachel was good, she was quite firm. She went, no, I'm keeping this.

Yes. Good. No, let's hope she never gets to say that again. So it was a non-religious ceremony. Now, I know what you're thinking from the way the cockerel looked at me then. You must have been furious, he was thinking. To be honest, I broke into a big grin. Yes.

But no, it wasn't like that. Don't think for one second after every vow I was going, whatever, really loudly. Internally moving. No, I'll tell you what you were doing was tuning up your ukulele for your big performance. That's true. I was tuning up my ukulele. I've heard some terms for it. No, I'm fine.

I think non-religious people should have non-religious ceremonies. That makes sense. I'm all for that. All good. And they can keep their hands off Christmas as well, which is also one of ours. Ours indeed is OMG. Lie off that. And as a Catholic, I think we can claim self-harming. Surely.

Oh God, we were doing that before these kids knew what was going on. You can have guilt as well. I'd better throw away that hair shirt. I had it already brought in winter. You call it guilt, I call it conscience. Anyway, it was lovely, wasn't it? Oh, it was a lovely wedding. It was really lovely and it all went well. And, well, I say it all went well.

There was one thing that really annoyed me. What was that? I had to get the baby to sleep. Yeah. And to do so, I had to walk about two miles, pushing him in a buggy to get him off. I know, I've got a confession to make. I took a picture of you doing so.

Did you? Because it was something quite touching about it, and almost Paquettian. You were wandering off over Hill and Dale. I was like a mile from the actual ceremony, pushing this thing off. Did it work? It did work.

And then, whatever happened to, when you're in a photograph, people say, okay, say cheese. And then everyone says cheese. Oh, is that gone? We got into the big mass photograph and the photographer,

I've got the baby there in the boggy asleep and he says, I want everyone to give me the loudest cheer they can. So they all went, and of course the baby woke up. Now, what you get if everyone cheers is one of those pictures you get in the local paper

when a school has raised nearly £80 for sport relief, and you get like 80 kids doing the big cheer. That's not what you want from a wedding photo. You want smiling, surely. You want warmth. My problem with group photos is there's just not enough of me in them yes do you know what i mean and i always i always get some looks when i turn around to everyone there in a very i've been photographed many times kind of way and say if you can see the camera the camera can see you and they all you can see i'm going

but you know they do then look for the camera. They don't want to be educated. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, guess what happened with the hotel? Oh, you were in a lovely hotel, weren't you? I was in a B&B and Emily was in a deluxe hotel. A Jacobean Manor. Really? Were you there going, how the other half live?

Yeah. Well, no, but I made a bit of a mistake because I booked the Jacobean manor. It was the only one in the district, which is why I booked it. And then I discovered it was where the bride and groom were staying. Is that bad?

Yes. They're coming back with the rose petals on the bed, me in a bathrobe, only me. It's not very romantic, is it? No, I guess not very romantic so i thought well look i'll i'll be discreet blend in yeah you know what i'm like about being discreet i didn't want to tread on their toe um so you're just laying rose petals like that girl from american beauty i demanded the bridal suite you know i'm sorry um i did try and hitch a lift back with them in the wedding car, and I asked someone, I said,

do you think that's unreasonable? We're all going to the same place. I'll be no trouble. I'll go in the boot. It's an interesting point, that, though. Why not? Guess what happened? It's not a religious ceremony.

Oh, Hank. I don't know if that's religious. I was listening to, I listened to the show last week, though, because I was in the Jacobean Manor, ordered room service. I thought, I wonder what it'll sound like. I'll put it on. So I put the show on. I was quite enjoying it. And then the lady knocked on the door with the room service

and my voice was booming around the room. Embarrassing. I said, oh, it's my radio show, just listening to it. And she went, shall I just put these here, then? That was awful, Frank. I was trying to boast that I was a celebrity. She wasn't interested. I listen to the show as well.

Obviously, I'm usually... It's difficult to listen to when it's happening simultaneously. Yeah. Loved it. I'd say it's something I've discovered. I've always thought of myself as something of a romantic, but, you know, as you get older, that can fade a little.

And in the goodie bag, the children's goodie bag, and I don't need to think I was ferreting around in the children's goodie bags at the wedding, but I did manage to procure a couple of packets of Love Hearts. Oh! And I ate them both, and I realised, with about two love hearts to go i had not read one of them i've stopped reading love hearts now that is that's a sign that your romance factor

has gone down a bit didn't even so what i thought you think that's just a bit of the bit your brain that you don't need to be even considering anymore? It's gone. What, romance? Yeah. Is that what you're saying? I think you can be in a long-term relationship and still have a certain amount of romance.

No, you can't. Look at Michael Douglas and Catherine's... Oh, God. Guys, I already have... The Obamas have a date night, don't they? They have a date night where they go for a date. They just date dates. Yeah. I'd like to see that. Oh, I don't they? They have a date night where they go for a date. They just ain't dates. Yeah.

I'd like to see that. Oh, I don't know if I want another one. Come on, Eden, you said you're 30. You're only dead 22. Frank, I've told you this morning. That's how she talks. Did you know that? It is how she talks.

There's nothing like that. I told you this morning what troubles me a little bit about long-term relationships is you basically have children and then watch box sets for the rest of your life. All you do is watch box sets together. I'm looking forward to the box sets phase. That's brilliant. That's all couples do. Oh, did you see this? Did you see that? Yes.

Any couples listening? We know it's true. I mean, why fight it? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in. Good. From 362.

And was it on 8-12-15? It was, Frank. See, I subtly got in the text. Very smooth, that. I like that. Plays for that. This is William 362. There's no point

using the 362 if you're going to reveal your name's William I like it it's a bit like William Wilde dear Mr Radio

Divine Miss M and the Cockerel morning where stand you on the Northampton Clown wow the Northampton

Clown I'm glad you've raised this in case you don't know the Northampton Clown it's a man we think it's a man

anyway it might not be a man, we think it's a man anyway, it might not be us, but it's a man, who appears in full clown outfit. It's fairly standard clown chic. Yeah, I think it's, supposedly it's based on a Stephen King clown character, isn't it? But anyway, it's a clown who appears in Northampton often in like the early hours of the morning, unaccompanied.

Yeah. And it's been frightening people. I say it. Well, it's been frightening people. I say it. Well, it's from the Stephen King story, It. And the clown's called Pennywise. Alan's a big fan of that character. Oh, I'm all over that.

I just wonder how much he spent on the costume. Tartan onesie. He sure isn't. That's not a shop. That Pennywise really should be a shop. It's got to be. Yeah, it must be. He's got the comedy go time. This is not going to turn out to be an advert for a shop,

is it, the Houghton Clown? That would be a real... Well, he's let himself down, the clown. He's got the clown chic, but he's let himself down on the footwear. He's got a converse... No. Oh, he hasn't gone for an oversized shoe.

No. Oh, well, if he's listening, I've got some clown shoes in my office. But how often, can I say, how often do you see a fine, fancy dress outfit let down by footwear? Yes. Yeah. You know what I mean? You'll see someone, oh, look at that lovely

monk outfit from Trainers. December. Oh. Santa's in Reeboks. When people, when people they try to finish off a cowboy outfit with just a pair of lace-up shoes. What about a ghost outfit with a minicab driver's lip on? I can't abide that.

But is this person definitely a clown, or have they just not rubbed their moisturiser in? Because there are mornings I look in the mirror and I think, you know, I really do need a... I need to have another go at that. You need to go full Pat's make-up. I'm pallid. He's almost albino, Frank, I'd say, this character.

Yeah? Has he got hair? He's got the scarlet sideburns. Oh, those things, yeah, the side... And the slightly Botox-y eyebrows. One thing I liked is Alan Moore, the comic writer, who lives in Northampton, has had to publicly state that it's not him.

And he's got a massive beard, Alan Moore, so maybe he could have got away with that, I don't know. He has been quoted, this character. He said, I just wanted to amuse people. Yeah, he's done an interview with that. You two say that every week at 11 o'clock. It's a newspaper. It's interesting, though, because if there was no internet, interview with you two say that every week at 11 o'clock to newspaper well i it's uh it's it's

interesting though because if there was no internet like if pre-internet if i'd have been walking to the pub say you know or in all it says walking back from the pub one night and i'd seen a clown the next night i'd go in the pub and say, I was walking back last night, I saw a clown that looked like that Stephen King character, Pennywise, just on his own in a dark alley. And someone would say, Anyway, who's round? That would be the end of that conversation. But with the internet, it's become a major sensation.

It has. Well, one woman said, You've been spotted, now get out of that clown suit and start acting like a grown-up. Yeah, I must admit, women have said that to me. After the years. And, you know, it's really hard to get it back bedroom-wise. Yeah.

After you've had that kind of reprimand. That's your clown name. Yeah. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Rating. Bob's doing the handover this morning to Charlie. Ah, yes.

Bob, who has been, as you know, in case you've knew, Bob is our assistant producer who doesn't use soap or any kind of product. That's his USP. Yeah. That's his USP. And Bob is leaving us first.

Is it birds of a feather, Bob? Yeah. Birds of a feather. That's not a phrase, by the way. People might be listening. I know people thinking, oh, that's that club in Vauxhall. It isn't. It's coming back.

I saw pictures of Leslie Joseph in the paper. Oh, don't. That depresses me, that song. It's a really upsetting song. It's horrible. Okay. And he's been replaced by Charlie, who some of you may remember was around last week.

But they're doing a handover in a sort of Bush to Obama style way. Yeah. I was thinking it's more like Chris Patton handing over Hong Kong. Yes. It is like that. So it's handover day. Yeah. Is what it is.

Yeah. We've had a good funny text in from Ian Angle. We'll judge that as a group, if you don't mind. Well, I'm just saying I think it's good. Based on the Northampton clown story, it sounds like that angry woman is going straight for the juggler. Juggler. This is the woman who wants to get him off the...

I like it. It is good. Although I don't believe the clown does juggle. I think he just stands there looking. We don't know yet. I think he's just started. All right, you think he's got a big finish. He's got to have a bit more than just standing around, hasn't he? That's all he does, apparently.

I did that once in Edinburgh. I was doing a show. It was my first ever Edinburgh show. And I was on at one o'clock, I think I was on. Oh, yeah. 4 p.m. Yeah, lunchtime. And when I got in, actually, I was on at midday,

and before me there was a clown show for children, 11 till 12, and they were on for a week, and on one occasion two people turned up who they knew who'd driven up from Brighton, so they had to do the show just for them. On the other occasion, no one at all turned up who they knew, who'd driven up from Brighton so they had to do the show just for them. On the other occasion, no one at all turned up for that show. So every time I got in, there'd be

three clowns sitting in four clown outfits, having a bit of a post mortem about what was going wrong. I remember one morning, one of them said, what if we did a buy one, get one free? And this other clown, I remember he's dressed as a clown, with a big clown face and I said, yeah, I'm afraid that's too little too late.

It's coming from a clown, somewhere in a clown outfit. Did he honk his glitter horn shortly after that? Well, if he did, I didn't see it. But, yes, I'm sure there will be a culmination to this clown. He's already done an interview with a local paper where he answered a lot of... He's already breaking all the... He's supposed to be enigmatic. You know what, he's turning into a celebrity.

I think he might have done the interview using, like, non-face-to-face media. Through the medium of mime. Yeah, he gave some very long answers. He's some sort of Banksy figure, i think he is and they said to him like how old are you and he said he was like 328 years old and stuff that means he's 45 he's embarrassed i bet that's a lie yeah i think there are a few lies and they said to him where do you live and he said oh people are starting to work that out i think you know people northampton that's my guess. I guess that they're working it out by

just following bits of his car back to his house. It's actually made a point in the thing that there has been no sign of an exploding car. I think that would be a health and safety. I like the idea of... By the rules, do you think? But guys, I like random circus freaks turning up.

Just on the street what about a bearded lady outside my house but this is what about one inside your house i set you up but i tell you what there was there was someone else who said he's gonna get this clown because he was frightening people and this is a yet another example of where we have to as individuals decide which group we're in. Some of you who listen to the show regularly will know that I saw a naked bike ride the other week. Oh, yeah.

And there's lots of people naked on bikes, as you'd expect from a naked bike ride. And a man near to me with his family, his wife and baby, turned around and said, Weirdos! Now, it's those sort of people that are haunting down the Northampton Clown. And if it comes to,

we have to decide one way or the other, I've got to say, I'm with the clown. I've just had a bit of a flashback, Frank. Oh, yeah. Just a quick wedding thing. I never told you this, but I was talking to you on the side of the dance floor.

Mm. You look quite good on it, actually. On the side of the dance floor? Yeah. That'd be a good thing. And I think all the single ladies came on. Oh, yes. And so I thought, oh.

And so I went, I think this is my cue to dance. You certainly did. You said it in exactly that voice. Yeah. I flounced off. I put my heel to dance. You certainly did. You said it in exactly that voice. I flounced off. I put my heel right through them and my dress. I had to style it out. Such a lovely dress.

Oh, it was lovely, wasn't it? I know. It was a bit odd seeing the bride dancing to all the single ladies. So soon. As I say, it wasn't a religious ceremony. All bets were off. So we've had a tweet in. This is from Craig.

This is exciting, isn't it? I really feel like we're living in the 21st century. Aren't we? Yeah. Craig Pritchard. He says, If there were only two chairs in the studio, who would stand and why?

Well. What do we say to that? Well, it wouldn't be me. Why not? Because I'm the man. His name's on the door, isn't it? What about some shock jock type affair? Because I drive the desk.

I have buttons and slides and I won't be able to reach them. I drive the desk that makes the whole world sing. He does. Frank, isn't that quite shock jock to stand? I think I would stand. I think they stand at capital. Do they? Yeah, I did.

I think that's why Foxy left. He couldn't do it anymore. He was on sticks towards the end. No, I think they do, yeah. It's supposed to give more energy to the voice. Well, I read that Richard Ransom has been standing up. I think they've given up and given more energy to the voice. Well, I read that Richard Branson has been standing up. I'm telling the BBC show that they've given up and given more energy to that. But, yes, it's supposed to be good for you, too. Yeah, yeah.

But I would happily stand for the show, because it's good for my sacroiliac. It's bad for my sacroiliac to be sat down for hours. It's bad for the sacroiliac. Oh, it makes me ill, that sacroiliac. It's making me, it's sometimes agonising. Is it really? Would you actually go so me, it's sometimes agonising. Is it really? Would you actually go so far as to call it agonising?

Or are you just raging for addiction with them when you couldn't think of an adjective? Yeah, I was, perhaps I've ragged it a bit with agonising,

but quite achy late in the day. If I've had a day where I've had to sit a lot, it's a pain. I mean, it is a pain. It is literally a pain. Do you think you might

bring out a song called Achy Breaky Saccharinlyac? Well, it is a pain. It is literally a pain. Do you think you might bring out a song called Achy Breaky Sacroiliac? Well, there are a lot of... We've had a few texts during the week, actually, about the... You know, we talked last week about the word sacroiliac. Can I just say I haven't?

No. I haven't had any texts. We had several texts saying that sacroiliac appears in songs and an email from Elliot... The word sacroiliac. Yeah, because I'd reffed it in Blondie Raptor. Oh, yes, of course. Of course.

Elliot says, Hi, Frank, Emily, Alan. You may be interested to know that the word Sacroiliac appears in the classic early rap song The Message by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five. Great course. Old school. I think we're all fully paid up fans.

Yeah. I love it when Frank uses a K in school. And it goes, got a bum education, double digit inflation. Got a brom education? No. A bum. No, he means a bottom education. Got a bum education.

Can't take the train to the job, there's a strike at the station. What a holiday that was. I'm just carrying on. Neon King Kong standing on my back. Can't stop, turn around, broke my sacroiliac. Mid-range migraine, cancered membrane. Sometimes I think, I'm standing on my back, can't stop, turn around, broke my sacroiliac. Mid-range migraine, cancer membrane. Sometimes I think I'm going insane. Swear I might hijack a plane.

Don't push me, cos I'm close to the edge. Absolutely marvellous. Isn't that Bono? That's Bono's line. I had a feeling it would be Bono. We've had our differences, but I am quite close. What about this then? So I can't dance, I can't really sing. would be a boner joke. We've had our differences, but I am quite close to you. What about this, then? So I can't dance, I can't really sing, I can only do one thing,

and that's to be Lady Sovereign. Remember that one? No, I don't. That's from Love Me or Hate Me by Lady Sovereign. How could you have forgotten that? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Christine's excited

She's tweeted us She says, wow, Northampton has made it big At Frank on the radio Talking about the clown on Absolute Radio Oh, the clown Can I ask you a question? It's good that she's excited When you said Christine excited, I thought John Profumo would come in.

Google it. Is the Northampton clown, is that a pun on Northampton Town, the football? Oh, I thought that at first. The cobblers. See, exactly. Like, you know, they used to have a shoemaking history of all things that he should have got right. No, they have a shoemaking history. Oh, yeah, that's right, yeah. They used to have a shoemaking industry.

But you're right, in a place based on footwear, for him to get the wrong shoes. I think he got that right. Clown shoes as well. I mean, they're archetypal. Well, exactly. And also, he could have done that thing of leaning really, really far forward and not falling over. Well, that would have screwed people on their way home from the pub. Yeah, how many people can do that at three o'clock in the morning in Northampton? He could have got older some

big... He should have given old Winslet a call. Yeah. Yeah, Kate must have some throwaways. Hopefully. But there'd be good stylish ones as well. 318 has something to say about this clown character. Okay. This clown character

is surely unique. Told you they had something to say about this clown character. Is this going clown character is surely unique. Told you they had something to say about this clown character. Is this going to be another rap? I've been trying to think, though. I've been trying to think of any other profession one might dress up as and stand around with the related paraphernalia, just staring and pointing at people. Someone

dressed as an office admin manager, for example, probably wouldn't have the same chilling effect. Is that right? I'll say you, Ski. I don't know what an office admin manager, for example, probably wouldn't have the same chilling effect. Is that right? I'll say you, Skinner. I don't know what an office admin person is. I can think of people... Oh, don't do your celebrity thing. Oh, I don't know people in offices.

I can think of people whose job involves standing around at night in elaborate costumes, but I'm not going to talk about them on breakfast. Yeah. I am. I'm warming to the clown. People should do more of that stuff. Do you remember you used to get the occasional...

I'm dating the clown. Oh, yeah? Yeah. That would be brilliant. I can't tell you. I don't know if anything would make me happier than for you to say, I know this is... Get a text. Listen, I know this is a bit weird, but bear with me.

I'm dating the Northampton clown. I'm going to go out with the clown. I would go on a date with him. If the clown is listening. He's got to wear the gear, though. He's got to get the shoes right, surely. If the clown is listening, I'm up for it. I'm up all night to get lucky.

Yeah, but what you're going to know is lots of men are going to turn up in clown outfits, claiming to be the NC. And they ain't not NC. There is a bogus NC. Can I do the voice? Yeah, I think so. No, apparently I can't. We all thought we could, but according to the absolute journal,

ain't no way, as it says. We've also had an email in. Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, my wife Jules and I have many ways of conversationally frittering away long car journeys, one of which is the who would you most like to have as your neighbour conversation. When he said my wife Jules, I thought that was some reference to it.

I hope Miss Emily will be thrilled to find out that she came out as our number one choice, closely followed by Tracy Thorne. Yes. Closely followed by Tracy Thorne. Yes. Lovely. Closely followed by Tracy Thorne. That's one hell of a set of... I think we'll come back to this. I need to discuss how they could be in the same Venn diagram, for goodness sake.

Fine. You're listening to the Frank Skinner Podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why not text us on 81215? You know, it's the age of interactivity. Or you can follow us on the Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email us through the Absolute website. There you go. You've got your options.

Bob and Charlie have gone out, Frank. Have they? Yeah. What if they've just gone? What if this is actually our first example of industrial action? Anyway, we were mid-email. We might have to make our own hot drinks in those circumstances.

That'd be awful. God, the hell I will. On the Friday, he's going to have to go back to the old days. Get the kettle on. So we were in the middle of an email. It was what they call an old-fashioned cliffhanger, wasn't it? When I'm in the middle of an email. It was what they call an old-fashioned cliffhanger, wasn't it? When I'm in the middle of an email, close my eyes. Sorry.

Sorry, everyone. Birmingham pub. Where had I got to? Oh. They want me to... They want Emily to be their neighbour or Tracy Thorne. Or Tracy Thorne. Yeah, closely followed by Tracy Thorne.

Or maybe together. You were keen on the Venn diagram of that. That would be nice, wouldn't it? Yeah, but we could be in a civil partnership. We both look like we could be together. Yeah, I think the two of you together could be Paul McCartney and Nancy Thingy.

Chevelle? Yeah, because I think Tracy's got a bit of a Paul McCartney look about her, would you say? Yeah. I mean, you know, in his prime She hasn't gone auburn, no, she's more mopped up She hasn't gone purple She's top of the Apple building Oh, okay, yeah, exactly, that period

Shall I continue with the email? Go on, go on, sorry Closely followed by Tracy Thorne Well now, dreams can become a reality Oh, can they? I didn't know that Someone should market that. I hope that dream you had last night doesn't become a reality.

No, I hope so. Yeah. We live in a farmhouse. Unless I take proper precautions. We live in a farmhouse. No casual thing I had a dream last night, which I didn't. I've just been comical. They live in a farmhouse.

It's better than being conical. Just outside the picturesque Yorkshire town of Hebden Bridge. Now, let me say, that couple, the aforementioned couple, would be very accepted in Hebden Bridge. Next door, we rent out a charming 16th century self-contained cottage. It has one and a half bedrooms. One and a half? Sounds like a bedroom in a box room to me.

Who stays there? The Crankies? It has one and a half bedrooms, single car parking, although it would have to be a four by four to get up the track, a garden to grow a veg in and a wood burner. We would like to offer Emily the chance to move in and be our neighbour. Wow. She would be welcome to pop round any time for a glass of wine and a chat around the Argo and I'm convinced we will all be great chums.

Can I just tell you that? Has Army just been used as travel agents? It's just somebody advertising their holiday home. Or is this a free? Are they saying that Emily can just move in for nothing? Exactly. They haven't. Is it a free? They haven't elucidated the exact terms of the

contract financially. What about we can all be great chums? It's gone a bit car keys. Anyway, continue. Yeah. We could discuss, we would love to discuss what's hot and what's not on the high street and Contract, financial. What about We Could All Be Great Chums? It's gone a bit car keys. Anyway, continue. Yeah, yeah. We could discuss, we would love to discuss what's hot and what's not on the high street and find out what went on behind the scenes on Day of the Triffids. Oh, yeah. We would also give her the opportunity. Oh, here's the clincher.

Oh, yeah. We would also give her the opportunity to babysit our five-week-old son once a week while we go out. Can I say, they're not much fun at five weeks. No. No, they're boring. It's like owning a big weeks. No. It's like owning a big fish. It's like owning a slug. Walk our dog Dot on the moors and she can have as much firewood

as she can chop. That's going to be a problem, isn't it? Because if you're going around walking Dot on the moors, if you're shouting, Dot! Dot! You could be abusing the locals in Morse code. Yeah. And that's how people get alienated.

And once they turn against you in a countryside community, I find they never come back. Have you seen Straw Dogs? I can't imagine they're going to be more alienated by the Morse code than Emily walking the dog in high heels. Yeah, but I worry Dot sounds like an Alsatian. And you know I can't abide an Alsatian. 70s police show, I won't have it.

They continue. Also, I find if ever you're out walking with a padded forearm, they will chase you and rip away at that forearm. They will tear away at the sleeve. And don't talk to me about hoops of fire. Oh, God. So could she please let us know when she wants to move in

so I can make sure the mousetraps are put away and the dehumidifier switched off? All the best, Ben, Jules and Sam. So there you go, and you... I mean, you haven't got a 4x4, have you, as far as I know? No. You ought to have one. But I know someone who has.

You're suggesting I'm some cigar-smoking clocks and type. They're a bit cigar-smoker 4x4s, Frank. No, no, but I mean, I think you're a woman who would like people to get out of the way. Yeah, you're right. Generally speaking in life. You're right, Frank. You're so right. Well, it sounds lovely, but I think they'll want some sort of financial reimbursement. I hate it when that happens.

I'm in, though, Frank. This is Frank Skinner absolute radio rosa's emailed us about a local character okay in the same vein too i'm going to call him my clown okay um in mousehole cornwall my kind of clown you're going to bring that clown yeah way way back three or four decades ago lived a doctor's son who used to live in the small coppice above the sea. It's very Gather Around the Fireside, this, isn't it? It is, it's beautiful. I wish I was wearing a bigger jumper.

He was dressed from head to foot in silver each day and every day, right down to silver face make-up, and he used to come down to the village post office to pick up an allowance his father would send him. He was a really interesting and over-intelligent man. I like expression. Let's love Ros in Port Reith. Now I like Ros because she's very on weirdos.

Yeah, she's definitely, she's on the naked bike ride. Yeah. Can you imagine if the weirdos guy had seen this guy in silver coming out of the post office? Wow. Could he have possibly been a spaceman? Possibly.

I think. It's nice that you give him the credit of it's possible. But what if just an alien comes down and thinks, well, I'll live in this coppice. And he walks around and may be wearing a coppice. Who knows? Have you seen E.T. recently? Have I seen E.T.? Yeah. It's not silver, is it? No, but it's an alien that comes down and lives in a coppice. Who knows? I've seen E.T. recently. Have I seen E.T.? Yeah.

It's not silver, is it? No, but it's an alien that comes down. No, but just saying that nobody's challenged it. It could be a spaceman. I love the sound of this guy. Shall we get him on? Yeah. Is this someone, is it from the past?

Well, he's in court, it says three or four decades ago. Oh. That's the past, isn't it? Yeah, that is the past. I'm calling that the past. OK. Shall we read another email? I'm looking forward to him coming on.

Yeah. He knows anything to do with space travel, right? My silver nemesis. Yes. OK. I'm going to read an email out from Malcolm, because I can. Hi, Frank, Emily and Beardy Allen. Hi.

Your talk of evil wasps last week... Evil wasps, yes. ...reminded me of a holiday we had in Greece a couple of years ago. We were sunbathing by the pool slash bar and were being plagued by wasps going after our fresh orange juice. You know what? That can kill a holiday. That can really ruin it. The wasps.

It's the sort of thing that you read on TripAdvisor. People saying, I love this holiday except for the wasps. You do, you love TripAdvisor. I've never considered gardeners question time. I managed to kill one with a magazine. Oh, nice choice. Oh, no. I've managed to kill many with a magazine. Cruel, maybe, but better than a slow death

drowning in orange juice. That's right, and also it doesn't ruin your own orange juice, do you? You're still an orange juice up. Yeah, but you've killed. Could you enjoy soft drinks after you've killed? Yes. He's comparing it in two different versions, there's killing, but one of them,

he's still got an orange juice. The other one, he's got a slightly messed up magazine. The other one isn't a killing, the other one's accidental death. That's death by misadventure. Yeah, exactly. No, I don't think so. Anyway, what happened next? Why? What happened next? What a brilliant question

of sport. What happened next? Matt on holiday, pushing his wasps away. I then watched as another wasp flew to its downed comrade and then, with its jaws, proceeded to cut its wings off, cut its legs off...

Hold on a minute. I'll be all right. I'll be all right in a minute. Music to my ears. Carry on. And then... Cut the stripy... Ah, the 80s. Cut the... Cut the stripy part Oh, the 80s. Cut the?

Cut the stripy part away from the rest of the dead wasp. What the... Wow. A wasp did that with its thing? It picked up the stripy part and flew away with it. Oh, come on. He means the sort of Kim Kardashian area, doesn't he? Yeah, he means like the stripy part.

At first, I thought they were taking it away to eat it, being the cruel things they are. But then thought... Then I saw it trying it on. Then thought perhaps they were recycling the sting. Or perhaps they've got little black boxes so they can find out the cause of the crash. That's a very good theory. That's a great idea. I like that.

Black and yellow boxes, I'm guessing. You know who I think? I think it was like that slightly less drunk friend who says it's all right mate i've got you i'll help you it's all right officer yeah i'll see you get home all right i'm fine i've got it under control yeah but you yeah i don't know but when my friends got drunk i tended not to to snip away their outer flesh and take that oh i mean, maybe twice. Could it, I mean, did the wasp, did it have a small tape measure around its neck?

Could it have been in men's wear? Oh, yeah. Maybe it was an undertaker who had a little top hat with a ribbon on it. Oh, that would be great. I was on about that to someone the other day. Wouldn't it be a nightmare if you were one of those undertakers who wear black

knickerbockers and a top hat with a black ribbon on yeah and then you pulled at the funeral and um and you stayed out all night with the person you pulled me that's good to work the next morning wearing your knickerbockers and your top hat it was plaguing me that what my theory is that they're selling these stripy bits on the black market to flies. Oh, do you think so? Yes. They've had enough of dog excrement. They want to be in with the bin crowd. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. These wasps. What wasps? Well, I'm sickened by their behavior 479 adult wasps are carnivorous and are cleaners so they basically dispose of dead things do they hmm like mafia characters what even their own kind apparently so well okay are they always in the toilets in the men's toilets when you go in there that's what i find I'll bring you a bit of aftershave. No, there's always cleaners.

There's always a female cleaner in the men's toilets doing something. Do you know, I was at a urinal. Oh, lovely story. In a very small public toilet and a female cleaner walked in and I was thinking, oh, she'll see that I'm here and go back out. She just carried on cleaning right next to me, near enough touching shoulders. Oh. Oh, she wasn't.

Too close in terms of proximity. That's terrible. Oh, do you know, I'm so... I wouldn't be surprised if she saw the gentleman's excuse me. I really wouldn't laugh. I'm so glad you said gentleman's excuse me. You are having a laugh. That's terrible. Heels, the shop, the shop, that's having a laugh. That's terrible. Heels. The shop.

The shop. That's where it was. There's a public toilet there. It's quite used to it. Must start hanging out there more. No, at one time they used to walk straight out if they... Well, that's... You know, this is what's happened.

Yeah, it's yet another crumble in the wall of the fabric of our society. I've overdone the mix. We can't help thinking, well, we've got marigolds on. Yeah. Personally, overdone the mix. We can't help thinking, well, we've got marigolds on. Yeah. Personally, I'm quite jealous. Yeah. 033,

anyway, about these wasps, I read that at this time of year, this is such a brilliant urban myth, the wasps have done all their jobs

for the year, building nests and having, he describes it as how's your father with the queen. So is there a queen wasp? Yeah, there is.

Is there? Yeah, it looks like Freddie Mercury. So now they're having a type of leaving do by feeding on fermented fruit and getting drunk. This is an actual theory. Yeah, and they get slightly crazy and violent. Hmm. OK.

Well, that's that sorted. The fermented fruit would support the stories that kicked this off, wasn't it? It was dried fruit that you left out. No, no. It was like a bean, wasn't it? They were after Mike Robinson's lemon barley water. Well, they might think that's booze for their leave-in do. I'm not enjoying this theorising about the...

Yeah, well, I'll tell you, we've got a question, 553. It's making me itch. High-frank M's and the cocked one. What... Oh, well, I'll tell you, we've had a question, 553. It's making me itch. You know when you start itching? High Frank, Ems and the cocked one. What... Oh, God, sorry about that. What do you think of Peaky Blinders? Apart from some of the accents

coming straight from Vic and Bob, do you think it's good? That's Yvette in West Brom. Well, I like it. In fact, they sent me a Peaky Blinders cap, promotional cap, but of course, having one of the biggest heads in Britain,

it won't fit me. I can't believe you're not in it. I mean, you must be a terrible actor. Well, that's what I watch it. And I don't watch many dramas, but I thought I'd watch this, it's set in Birmingham. And I was enjoying it, and I did keep thinking. Set in Birmingham.

That's why I couldn't enjoy The Grimleys. I just kept thinking, why am I not in this then? Yeah. I couldn't do the accent what about when you auditioned for that Hollywood film and you had to do an American accent don't you remember that yeah he did didn't you either what did you do Frank

I thought I had to go really deep what's going on here it's awful I really disgraced myself I want to talk about this BBC news presenter did ye see this character I think he's called Simon McCoy no relation to Sylvester

I'm sorry Frank don't get too excited no he's not the real McCoy. Excellent. But he did a news bulletin, and instead of holding aloft, I was going to say the traditional iPad. It's hardly traditional, but that's customary these days.

He walked on set with a big, a wad of photocopier paper. Yes. It's extraordinary. Did you see it? He said he went to grab his iPad and he grabbed the photocopy paper instead a BBC spokesman said

he just went with it yeah he did he went with it on camera well it went with him I suppose I well I had mixed feelings about it because first of all I love stationery I mean I love get me in Ryman.

And I'm... Oh, man, it's just fabulous. So, for me, on one level, it was a right old come on. But, um... Oh, God! But on another level, one of my... Absolutely disgusting. One of my real problems with the news is that when they say...

I know we're going to go through the papers with Dirk Wahlberg and Kevin Messerschmitt. And on the International Week. And they don't hold

up the papers. They don't go through the papers. They go through photocopies of the papers. And I've pointed this out on many occasions. You can see the white underbelly of the photocopy sky news man we call him sky news man if you're going to read that i've done the papers on andrew marne and uh they said can you hold them to the downer because we don't want to say that you know what did you say and i said you better believe it i said i hate it when you see it. So they're holding photocopies. Oh, how cheap. If you're going to go through the papers, guess what?

Hold the papers. They're readily available in paper shops. Yeah. Right? Do you hate those more? Or do you hate, you know on the one show when they do the little photographs, bit lamp, bit all put together. I don't like that.

No, I'm happy with that. Especially when there's a bubble where they've been stuck on the cardboard. But this, this was robbing my nose in it, to go out just with unused photocopier paper and say, what about this on the news, then? No need for it. I think he might be sending a powerful message out, because traditionally, in the days of Trevor McDonagh,

he used to shuffle the papers, didn't he? That's true. And maybe that was his message saying we should do a return to this. Yeah what they should do is introduce, get rid of the iPad, get a nature sketch. And they can differ on that and then just shake it clean at the end. That'd be brilliant. I just worry

about this Simon McCoy chap's fingertips. Has he got absolutely no sensitivity in them? Because if you pick up an iPad, it does not feel the same as a packet of photocopier paper. People spend hours researching how to make iPads feel nice and satisfied, and then he picks it up and mistakes it. I just don't believe, although it did remind me of the time, you know I told you a few weeks ago that I worked for Grace Landscapes, a landscape gardening company.

Gardener's question time again. I don't know if I've ever told you the time that I laid a whole patio. Well, no, you certainly haven't. No, and that sickens me. At the end, I realised that I hadn't used paving slabs, there was just a big pile of the yellow pages there, but I was a bit distracted when I was doing it.

Alright, I made that one up. Frank, it's lucky it was a photocopier paper. It could have been a copy of Mein Kampf. Yeah? Do you know what I mean? Well, exactly. That he had on his desk anyway. That would have brought the house down.

What about if it had been the OC? I mean, he gets so many freebies. He could have picked up that gold jacket on the back of his chair. What if he'd gone on with that? Fifty Shades of Grey. That would have been an absolute nightmare. Anyway! Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have an anecdote of... Oh, you've got an anecdote? I've got an anecdote, but it's not, it doesn't show me in a great light. It's what I think Emily would call mortificado. Oh! I recently went on a little retail trip to the Trafford Centre in the north-west of England. I live in Manchester, I should explain to some of our readers who may not know.

But I've been, in the last couple of weeks, a cycling commuter. I've been trying to ride my bike... What, to London? No. Although I've been bringing a folding bike to London... I love that bike. ...once within London. But at home, I have an 80s rally bike that I cycle about to get to places.

It's got mudguards and stuff, perfect for Manchester. So anyway... Sort of Elliot and E.T. style. Last couple of years, I've been on a... Not couple of years, maybe last six months, I've been on a search for some black jeans. I would like to be. Not that hard to track down. Well

you'd think Frank. I'd say 70% of our listeners are wearing them as we speak. Well I've joined them finally. I had to go to the Trafford Centre to buy some from Marks and Spencer's. Couldn't get them from Levi's. How was the cut? Were you going for a skinny? Well this is is the problem, you see.

I would like to wear Levi's, but the 501, it grabs me too close to the gentleman's excuse me. I see. It does. My upper thighs are too large for whatever it was. I don't want to know about your upper thighs. It's the cycling, you see. It might be that. It might be the... I didn't know you had

Bill Beaumont issues in that area. I don't think I do, but I think it's just... Anyway, I've gone for m&s and i'm happy with them it's like what we used to call in our childhood tesco levi yeah well i'd gone for you did say that with full conviction so i cycled to the trafford center right and i'd only just started using that bike and i've got one of those locks that goes through the front wheel and the frame and I had a little moment of going, oh, I know what I'll do. I'll lock the helmet to it as well and that way I don't have to carry the helmet

in the shot. So I did that, went, went into Marks and Spencers, I'm here to collect my jeans. The guy said, I've just been listening to you on the radio, on a podcast. I think I made myself seem like I thought I was Johnny Big Bananas because I said to him, oh, which show? Well, if you are Johnny Big Bananas

that's why you can't wear a 500. I said, which show? Thinking he might have been listening to my own Radio 4 series or just a minute. And he went, you went to Frank Skinner one. He said, Gardner's Question Time. So I pick up the jeans. Which show?

I'm pleased. I've got them in my little backpack. I go back to where I've locked the bike up. Gone. No. I've been the victim of a stolen bicycle. Oh. No. I've been the victim of a stolen bicycle.

I walk back into the entrance. I say to the guy in the shop, I've parked a bike out there in that bike rack, and it's gone. And he went, oh, okay, I'll phone security, see if they've got any CCTV. Phone security. And the guy says, I might have some good news

and some bad news for you, Mr Cochran. What kind of bike is it? I said, it's a Raleigh Team Banana from the 1980s. I don't like to brag, but I got it on Gumtree for 100 quid. He told them all that. And he went, well, I've got your bicycle behind me. We've got a proactive security policy here and you hadn't locked it up properly, so we've stolen it for you.

I think we'll come back to this. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So I'd only gone and done a David Cameron, by which I mean I'd locked my bike up badly, rather than that I'd left my child

in a pub. But they stole it for you. They stole it for me. That was very good of them. Well, you say that, but it put me back by about 45 minutes because I had to go to a different bit of the Trafford Centre to collect it. Basically what I'd 45 minutes because I had to go to a different bit of the Trafford Centre to collect it. And then the guy... Basically, what I'd done is I'd locked the bike to its frame,

the wheel and the frame together, but not to the bar. So they just lifted it off. Well, that's right, Dad. They were right to reprimand you for that. And also, you've learnt a valuable lesson. You should thank them for that. Well, why couldn't I just learn that lesson by having my bicycle stolen or not

and returning to it still there? Like, it might have still been there. No, you're being stubborn about it, but I think I'm with them. The guy said to me, it was really hard to carry it around this corner, actually. I said, was it? It's almost like you could have left it there. I was tempted to...

I was doing you a major favour. I was tempted to bop him on the nose and say, there you go, you've learnt a lesson, keep your guard up. Oh, Cockle, don't do that. You're too good looking to get into fights at the moment. At the moment, at the moment. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Hey, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Someone has just tuned in for the first time. Well, they're going to feel left out when we carry on something that we've been talking about ten minutes ago. No, they'll pick up on it. You know, it's like when you watch Enders. You haven't seen it for years.

Enders! Still the same guys, yeah. Well, it's not always the same guys, but it's the same species. We've got a text. Alan, count yourself lucky. At least you've still got your rally banana. My childhood pride and joy was reversed over by a woman in a Vauxhall Viva while I was battling to get my foot in the, at the time, very fancy pedal clips.

I tried to get her attention, but my protestations fell on deaf ears. Quite literally, she was deaf. Oh, no. Where do we go with that? I don't know. People are laughing and it's wrong. He's right, though. That was Bobby's leaving.

Don't bother writing him. I've still got to do a rallied banana. In fact, I've just sacked him. Do you know, that took a lot of moral courage. I respect you, Frank. Others wouldn't have done that. I'm not having that woman laugh at that just because she was driving over one of our readers.

It doesn't make her a bad person. What about Dan Fore? Dan Fore says... What's Dan Fore? Oh, no, it's Dan Poor. Sorry, Dan, I won't be speaking to you. It's a philosophical question. What's Dan Fore? He's called Dan Poor which has okay significantly reduced his chances of me

befriending him on the subject he came round the other night and went on about existentialism it's a very heavy Dan Poor on the subject

of Alan's stolen bike I work for a particular law enforcement agency Bailiff and I've seen this tactic Interpol used on people's cars when they've left them running to

defrost on their driveways in the winter too far question mark exclamation mark oh but think of the joy of thinking you're having it stolen and then someone say i mean didn't you feel uplifted i didn't feel that joy wasn't stolen do you know what it felt like? When I was a kid, sometimes we would walk past my mum and she would sort of fairly gently cuff us on the back of the head and say that's for nothing, see what you get

for something. Did other people have this in their upbringing? Extraordinary philosophy. I like that. That's what it felt like. It felt like, hang on, I'm 38 years old and I'm still getting that's for nothing see what you get for something. I like the fact that your mum didn't like to leave things to the last minute.

I like, what's your parental philosophy? That's good. Mine was Pastor Peter Stuyvesant. That was my parental philosophy. Yours, Frank? I think mine was, I think I, did I explain mine the other week? Maybe I was talking to someone else about,

we used to have the pools man used to come round our house, the man who collected the pools money. Oh, yeah. And there'd been a story in the paper that week that one pool, a local pools man, this is the football pools, you know, a local pools collector had not been putting the money in he'd been he'd been keeping it for himself and this person had won and of course

they hadn't really won because the money hadn't been going in and uh when he arrived my dad said did you see that story about the pools collector took the money in the back said yes yes everyone's been talking about that this week and my dad said you know I'd find you and kill you, don't you? Very awkward. Very awkward atmosphere. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So the cockerel in the Trafford Centre was on about...

I suppose the bloke was saving you from yourself when he nicked that bike. Yeah, I suppose. He's really, really sulky about it. He's really upset about it. He did say, oh, that'll be gone in no time round here. I think you should have thanked him. I did thank him, but through gritted teeth. OK.

Well, I was working with some guys this week, and one of them went out and said, do you fancy any treats? And I said, well... How old was he, six? I said, I wouldn't mind a dime bar. Oh, dame? A dame.

That's nothing like a dame. So he came back. He came back with a six-pack of Dime Bath. Lovely. And he said to me, I'll give you one of these. I'll put the rest out of harm's way. Because I know what you like with the Dime Bath. So he gave me one and he took my wife.

Did you say, if you come back, I'll kill you? No. No. I, you know, I was grateful. Yeah. Because I am like that with dime bars. I chain, I chain eat with them, the way chain smokers smoke. Yeah.

And as you get older and your brain patterns get slower, you know, when you send out to the nerve endings and they send back to the brain. What happens with me is I have a dying bar, and then I think I'll have another one. About halfway through, my stomach sends out the, I feel a bit sick now. By the time it reaches my brain, I'm on dying bar four.

Oh, dear. And then I'm feeling really sick. So I, unlike the cockerel, who was very sullen about it, I'm grateful that I was saved from myself. Well, aren't you the big man? On a slightly different note I was in a shop recently

and I was buying some shoes and I tried on them. What are we talking? I know you always buy the same shoe. It was a brown lace up. Of course it was up and I said to the guy I tried a 9 and it was a little bit snug I said can I try a 10 in these and he went

oh I love him I thought how far away is the storeroom that means that you have to do that I said is that a problem he went no and then off he went I mean that means that you have to do that. I said, is that a problem? He went, no.

And then off he went. I mean, and not only that, but he had quite a big on-burst spot. Now, I think if you work in retail, you need to check yourself now and again. Before you wreck yourself. It just made me feel, you know how an unburst spot makes you feel tense?

I couldn't look at anything else. See, I wanted you to hit him with the shoe when he just sighed, but now that he's got an unburst spot I feel like you should hit him with the shoe that you've just tried on. Deposed Middle Eastern leader style. Hit him with the nine. Right on the spot. He's a man who you want to see get his head caught in a lift door

and get all them spots out of the way. Like pouring Advocar through a colander. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank and Alan, Michael Boggle has tweeted us. Okay, word up, boggle yeah the mind um sorry mike how many times have you heard these jokes i apologize he says um oh he starts it with aw sometimes i feel a bit stupid listening to this imagine how we feel taking part to this imagine how we feel taking part not someone stupid just embarrassed yeah deeply ashamed um all the references to people i don't know random actors dare you that's my

family or saturday night tv knowledge but we're not mentioned saturday night tv ever again but when oh god but when you start talking about anything remotely scientific, I realise we just have different areas for what we know. Because, bless you all, it's not your subject. Much love, darlings. Recent neuroscience graduate, Mikey. Well done, Mikey. You're absolutely right.

Yeah. I think it was Johnny Cash who said, we live in two different worlds, dear. Your world is honest and true. My world is made out of hearts that are broken. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. It's been a lot of Johnny Cash. It was one of his best.

Yeah, I don't know. I've gone a bit Cash crazy. I have a kindred spirit who has sent a missive, ladies and gentlemen. Good morning, Frankenteam. When I was around the age of ten, I had my bike stolen from outside a shop. The bike was kindly replaced by my parents, but I left it in the back garden unlocked, so my mum hid it from me to teach me a lesson and didn't tell me for the entire day.

And on top of that, she had me walking around the whole village trying to find it. I'm still a little bit bitter from Ed in dorking well done well done mom kindred spirit admittedly i'm 38 and he was 10 but this point stands but imagine when she said come here here's your bike but the joy of it i don't like that i mean i think it's an all right life lesson for a 10 year old i'm from the family member no but i used to do a thing, like if I met someone this time of the day and I'd say, God, it's five to twelve, and they'd go, what? You see? And I'd say, no, no, but no, I've just given you another hour and a half on your life. Yeah. And it's like a gift.

I think that's a bit sociopathic. Yeah, but is that a bad thing? Dan Rowson has emailed us, subject line yellow and green jelly babies. Oh, yes, I was talking about this. It's not just jelly babies, but why do they make the green and yellow sweets when everyone likes the black and red ones? The orange I'm seeing as a sort of control. They're a gateway drug, the orange.

Yes. After listening last week, I couldn't believe the three of you were unanimous in your dislike of the yellow and or green sweet. These are by far my most favourite. Oh, come on. If anyone from the manufacturers is listening, please do send them in to me.

Well, that's going to be hard to arrange, Dan. He's like those girls who thought Dave Baddiel was the sexy one in Newman and Baddiel. I thought that. He's trying to be different. He doesn't like the green and yellow ones. Can you compare Dave Baddiel to a jelly baby? He's sweet and cuddly.

He is. And dense. Very dense. I think they're denser than they used to be jelly babies Or my jaw muscles are packing up Maybe they're atrophying No I think they've got more giving them, less giving them rather

Now we've also, we can't ignore this any longer, we've had I think this is brilliant, this theory in regarding my man, my clown Oh the NC In case you've just in, we were talking about a mysterious person who walks around Northampton at night

known as the Northampton Clown because he's dressed as a clown. Yeah. Colin Logan says, Mr Skinner and staff, could it be that the clown is wearing sensible footwear on the off chance someone decides to give chase? P.S. Got any wham? Of of course can't he get

a small unicycle for such emergencies a really really tiny one perfect yeah i um i hate the idea of people chasing the northampton clown big thugs drunken thugs jason well you're going to be going out on a double date with kath with him, so I wouldn't worry about it. I'm looking forward to that. I tell you, you'd better wear the full doodah. Now, I would like to share with you this extraordinary mother. Hey, can you just be a bit... I know we've done some rapping earlier. Don't get carried away. I'm watching the box set of Broken Bird I can't help it

he calls it Broken Bird oh don't start that American do you know Daisy the Cockerel and I have been discussing Broken Bird all morning haven't we Frank got so upset oh don't tell me spoiler alert I said oh my god what about this and Frank went I'll be upset. Oh, don't tell me. Spoiler alert. I said, oh, my God, what about this?

And Frank went, I'll be watching Peaky Blinders. Yes. And then he said he'd be watching Atlantis. I'm looking forward to Atlantis. Why do you watch such weird things? What do you mean? Merlin, Atlantis. Yeah, like, you know, watch...

It's all very fish-based. Sorry, I accidentally watch some British programmes. It's all a bit quaint, babe, the stuff that you watch. OK, my mum, this is an email. Yeah. Is it going to turn out she's gone to Iceland? No. OK.

My mum told me I'd achieved a 2.2 in my psychology degree, whereas, in fact, I had a 2.1. She told me after a couple of minutes, but I've never felt any pleasure about the 2.1 and have never forgiven her. She got the psychology wrong on that then. They're the psychological scars for some time.

That's fantastic though. I love the sociopathic mum. I wonder after a few minutes when she said, no, you've got a 2.1 really, the mum then added, that's she said, no, you've got a two-one, really, the mum then added, that's for nothing, see what you get for something. I think at the end of the show I'm going to say, hey, guess what, Bob's not really leaving.

And all over Britain there'll be a massive sigh of relief. Anyway, so what else? No, but then we've got his offensive comments hanging over us. Has he got offensive comments? Yeah, that's why you sacked him. You've forgotten already. Oh, yeah, of course. his offensive comments hanging over us. Has he got offensive comments? Yeah, that's why you sacked him. You forgot on a regular. Oh, yeah, of course I haven't. Just sit with the story, Frank. God, you spend two days with Pauline Quirk.

You're out of control. I don't know why you're looking at me. I haven't spent two days with Pauline Quirk. No, not for a long time. I think we need to discuss the mayor of Nottingham. Oh, yeah. Oh, the mayor of Nottinghamshire? Yes. Don't get those mixed up. Same difference to me.

Same difference to me. Whatever you say, Notts Forest. Nottingham Forest. Potato, potato, that's what I say. Potato, potato. Is that what you say? Yeah. That's very tuber-based.

Yeah. He's been told not to wear his bling. Yes. He's been told not to wear his bling. Yes. He's been banned, by the way. A mare who's told he can't wear his chain. Yeah. I mean, can that be right? That's surely one of the reasons why you would become a mare.

Exactly. Well, that's it. Is the bling. I mean, I've been considering jewellery, but I'm slightly self-conscious about it. Yeah, I was going to get loads of necklaces and stuff, and instead... Not wife jewellery but I'm slightly self-conscious about it. Yeah, I was going to get loads of necklaces and stuff and instead... Not wife jewellery. Instead, having to come in here and go, Alan, you've got

four necklaces on, you didn't have them on last week. Yeah. I thought what I'd do is just begin a political career and become a mayor so that Alan, don't wear four necklaces. I ain't getting on no plane. What about one? I can only do one thing and that's be lady sovereign.

What if I wore one and a pinky ring? Would you think that was me? Because I think this could be me. Well, you wear a wedding ring, don't you? I do, yeah. I wear... What do you wear? I wear a medallion of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

Lovely. What do you wear? I don't have time to start going through all my jewellery. No, you don't, I was going to say. That'll cover the travel. I felt sorry for the mayor, though. I did. I love a bit of Dick Whittington. Generally, you know, I like a mayor. So do I. I've met a few mayors at a do's. Who's your favourite mayor? I like Dick Whittington. Oh, I see. Yeah. Who's your favourite mayor? I liked it at Whittington. Oh, I see. Yeah. Who's my favourite mayor? It would have been Clint Eastwood.

Oh, that's a good choice. But then he became a bit right-wing barmy, didn't he? I don't know if he's as right as we think he is. I mean, I think he might be barmy. Here goes the apologist. But he did that thing when he talked to Barack Obama

sitting in a chair when he wasn't sitting in a chair. Yeah. That mime thing. Yeah. He's a bit of my cold, dead hands, yeah. I don't know if he's that bad. Oh, is he not? My cold, dead hands.

I like the sound of this. Maybe this is something we should discuss off hair. Hair. Off hair. Off hair. Oh, talking of hair, someone's texted us about your hair, Frank. Oh, yeah. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. We were talking about the Mayor of Nottinghamshire being a song Shane. Yeah. Naked acapella, he's going without. You see, I find that the reason when you talk, mayors are often like quite comical, jolly, nice people when you meet them. And I think it's because they wear the big chain,

all their sort of macho posture is catered for by the jewellery, so they can just relax and be themselves. You don't. I just don't want a mare wearing some horrible old suit. Oh, no, they're going to be wearing... They always wear a horrible old suit. No, I know, but imagine if he's robbed of his chain and he's kind of ermine or whatever it is they wear,

the slightly Thomas More vibe going on. He is just, you know, Graham Kelly, isn't he? There's the guys who play it down a bit who just wear suit and chain. Oh, that's awful. You can't mix it up. No, I like suit and chain. And also, I think if you are a mayor, it's an interesting insight into what it must be like to be a lady. Right. Because when I talk to a mate,

I'm constantly looking down at his enameling. Oh, yeah. And, you know, women get that all the time. Do they sometimes just point at their own person and go, hello, eyes on the prize? I think they should. Stop looking at my chest, please, Frank. I point to my boss when I say that.

Yeah, don't talk to my office. To me. I think they should do that. So I'm not keen. I think you should be allowed to. Also, they have terrible lives. Mares? Oh, terrible.

You're starting to appeal for them. Would you want to be a mare? I'd love to be a mare. Oh, how much salmon roulade can a man eat? Do you know why I wouldn't want to be a mayor, Frank? I'd have to wear one of those black cats with the white frills on it. Yeah, but they rarely, you rarely see them in all that. They're sort of comedy

mayors. Remember the town crier? Suggesting I have an outdated clichéd notion of what a mayor dress is like. Exactly. I'm talking about, you know, your active real mayors. You're talking about local government. That you spend a lot of time with. Apparently you meet these guys all the time. Well, I do. Every. I'm talking about that, you know, you're active real mares. You're talking about local government. That you spend a lot of time with. Apparently you meet these guys all the time. Well, I do. Every time I go to a deal

there's a mare. There's always a mare. There's a mare. Yeah. Any social gathering. You lied once on the show and said when you used to be a mare when you were a child or something. Well, you say I lied. Did you check it? Well, I thought not. I wonder if this mare has had a thought of, when they say you're not allowed to wear the chains,

why couldn't he just wear them under his shirt? Like Superman. Oh, disgusting. Clark Kent, though. Be brilliant. And then when you really need a mayor, they just rip the jacket off. Some industrial action. Let's add a picture of him in his chain.

Presenting a golden designer shoe trophy to Rebecca Adlington. Correct. Now, I met Rebecca Adlington, and she didn't have designer shoes. Because people always say, oh, she loves the designer shoes, Rebecca Adlington. So I said, I thought you'd have your Leboutons. Lovely work, Frank. Rebecca Adlington. So I said, I thought you'd have your, um, Leboutons. Lovely work, Frank. And she said, do you know something?

I've only ever owned one pair of designer shoes. And I just mentioned it once to a journalist that I'd bought these shoes. And now I'm the designer shoes woman. And that poor mare had been ensnared in a lie that was not his own. Surely now he can wear a bit of jewellery as compensation. No, they said

I believe the Mansfield local council said he needs to be concentrating on his job. But why does the chain stop that? Well, I'll tell you why. It's that little clasp thing. He's spending too long in it. He's threading those clasps. It's probably... And tell you why it's that little clasp thing he's spending too long in his day

it can be a pain he's threading those clasps it's probably and you know when it's easy it's easier if you bring it round the front and do it

but you just won't you think no no I'll do it at the back of the neck if it kills me and you keep just missing the loop I'm going to go out

with him and make him just wear the chain and nothing else and the clown yeah that'd be a great perhaps they could

be chatting together what a social life you've got planned stick around wear the chain and nothing else. And the clown. Yeah, that'd be a great... Perhaps they could be chained together. What a social life you've got planned. Stick around. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a text in, I think for me,

try the Levi's 505s. I had the same problem. Oh, big timer. Yeah. We've also had an email. This is becoming like a fashion section of the show. How fitting. How fitting. Lovely. Thank you. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. With regard to Frank's dilemma on advising a stranger that her skirt is see-through, I had a similar dilemma. I should say this. I saw a lady and a skirt.

I don't think she knew, but you could see right through the back of the skirt. You could see a label on her thumb. You were on a street. I was on the street, yeah. You weren't in Raymond's review bar. No, no, she was walking and people were staring and I thought, should I tell her I hadn't got the courage?

Well, Steve is saying, I took the brave, a.k.a. stupid decision to advise a lady that her skirt had become caught and was displaying her bottom to all, although mostly to the growing crowd of men who happened to be walking directly behind her in the same direction. They make you sick. They make me sick. Sickos. Creeps. Weirdos.

She was understandably embarrassed and I felt terrible for telling her so I'm still unsure if I did the right thing or not. Help. Incidentally, it appears there is a bit of a craze in Japan where you can buy clothing that intentionally looks see-through. That explains my outfit today, everyone. So maybe Frank was just lured into

some kind of trap. No, I've seen those skirts and they've got like a it does look like a... It does look like a... They're a machine. You can see their bottom. But they're sprayed on, you know, painted on. But obviously they pick...

Oh, really? Obviously they choose perfect bottoms. I've seen those skirts. Yeah. Where have you seen them? Japan. In Japan? I don't know.

I haven't seen them. I think they were in the Daily Mail or Mail Online. Okay, I'll let you off. I'm going to own up to that. So, Frank, what do you think about this? No, this wasn't one of those. This was a very much... They were in the Daily Mail, on Mail Online. OK, I'll let you off. I'm going to own up to that. So, Frank, what do you think about this? No, this wasn't one of those. This was a very much, it was a real, very much a real bottom.

You know, as a bottom, I'd say one could go so far as to say it was too real. Oh, really? So I don't think this would have been. You know, it's too real in a way that traditionally served awful can be too real. Oh, God. So, no, it wasn't sprayed on. Are you saying her bottom was awful? No. No, it was...

You know where I stand on this? It wasn't the sort of bottom you'd see in an artist's impression. I understand. I really am not for telling these people at all. Really? I really am not for telling these people at all. Really? If you came in here and accidentally wearing your skirt was see-through and you didn't know, you wouldn't want us to tell you, honestly.

Point one, it would never be accidental. I know exactly what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. Point two, give yourselves a bit of fun. I'd like to treat you both for the morning. That would be my gift to you. Look, I don't think we'll ever have that kind of fun. I'd like to treat you both for the morning. That would be my gift to you. Look, I don't think we'll ever have that kind of fun again unless you keep getting it.

That's our only hope. Thank you so much for listening this morning. You know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. we'll be back again this time next week now get out