The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Cool Beans

Episode Date: October 26, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank's away this so Emily Dean is in the presenter seat and is joined by Alun Cochrane and Steve Hall. This week Alun reveals he has been working in just his boxers, Emily shares some awkard text moments and Steve talks Kim and Kanye.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, I'm Emily Dean and I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning on Absolute Radio. Frank's not able to join us. I normally make some silly joke at this point and some fantastical reference to what he's off doing, but I'm not going to do that this morning because I'm going to complain. I don't know where the guy is. I have no idea. Maybe he's having a lie-in maybe him and david baddiel are daft punk can you imagine if we found motorcycle helmets in their lobby i still think they live together very 90s i should do my housekeeping and say i'm joined this morning by the cockerel morning as ever Morning. He's got so showbiz. We'll get on to that later.

He's got no time for us anymore. And Steve Hall in the house. Good morning. Looking very svelte in black, may I say. Yes, I'm quite noir today. You are quite dark. He's going to start talking about films now. I got tweeted last night.

I heard that. How dare you? No, I got a tweet, and it was a guy saying, someone referred to you, Steve, as their favourite supply teacher. How do you feel about that? I think that's an accurate summary of not just my role in this show, but the walk I take through life. I think, had you been a supply teacher, I can imagine you were the sort of guy who would have said,

hi, just call me Steve. Yeah. Just call me Hawley. And you also would have said, which a religious studies teacher once said to me, I want to talk to you about a little fella named God. Oh, my goodness. I think that's the kind of teacher you would have been.

So you mean a terrible teacher? No. A little fella named God. I want to talk to you about a little fella called Napoleon Bonaparte. Guys, can we talk about the carbs in the office, I was going to say, in the office today, in the studio. We're very carb-heavy.

Daisy and Charlie, lovely names, aren't they? Very middle class. They baked cakes for us this morning, in the spirit of, apparently, it was the Great British Bake Off final, is that correct? It was, yes. Sandy Wall's nodding. I love that she's nodding.

That's factually correct, yes. I missed it because I was out having hideously expensive cocktails at a leading London hotel. Well, that's right, and so you should be. But everybody else does not live that life. Okay. They were watching Bake Off in their living rooms, possibly in jogging bottoms.

I don't like the jogging bottoms. Oh, that's gone really sleazy. Oh, no shoes either. No. That's a sentence you should have written into points of view. I didn't watch the bit of Bake Off because I was out having hideously expensive cocktails. However, I hear the show is very good and I commend you on it.

Pip, pip, pip. Yours, the Duke of Edinburgh. But so what happens on this? Someone bakes a sponge and everyone claps and someone with bad hair wins. There's no clapping. I've never heard Klaas Warfair introduced quite so quickly into a show about baking cakes. Yeah, but i just don't like carbohydrates right so it's you're in the wrong studio today okay um yeah they basically

bake and then two judges eat it and judge them they judge the presentation and the taste yeah and they say things like it's you've really got the flavors Or, I can't taste the saffron in this. I don't even know why you put saffron in this. There's saffron in cake? There was saffron in one or some hint of something in one of them and they were sort of like, why did you even bother with that? And is that Mary Berry that does? Both of them can do that, can't they?

But Paul Hollywood, he's the one that... His name's funny, isn't it? His Paul Hollywood is, uh, he's the one that, his, uh, his name's funny, isn't it? His porn star name has to be something like Keith Smith. I've gone off him a bit, though. Yeah, because of the sleaze. Well, didn't he leave his wife? And I just question

the very authenticity of their soul when they do that. Yeah, apparently when he was chatting up the other woman, it was, uh, considered a Hollywood pass. Oh, lovely Alan. Laughing at his private life. Yeah, I could do that.

It's not that private, is it? So start passing the baked goods around, please, Charlie. Daisy, which one did you bake? Lemon cake. Now, the last time we did this on this show some time ago, you spat out Parkin at alarming speed. And he was furious.

I did. They're just talking background noise. It's not the archers, you know. We should describe the cakes on offer. We've got some incredible looking chocolate brownies and the smell of the chocolate brownies is quite overwhelming. There are some very nice cookies. I can't bear all these carbs.

Do you know what we need to talk about? The bake-off? No, I don't want to. Do we have to talk about that more? I want to talk about the royal christening. I think it would be a dereliction of duty if we didn't discuss this. Prince George. Oh, I bet...

Baby George. That's what they say in Liverpool, I reckon. But he looked... The first thing I noticed is it's very long, the gown. People commented a lot on the length of the gown. Yeah, it looked like Liberace's curtains. And you should know, let's face it, Steve. Absolutely.

Why have they put a boy in a dress, though? I mean, just why? Why have they done that to him? Because it's the same gown they've used for Christmas since, like, 1841, but they redesigned it. Yeah. Is that right? They should, like, put a trouser in or something.

Or something. A trouser in. Make it into a sort of a culotte dress. Or a cream satin trouser on a baby. That's nice. Could have. I do think that. Yeah, but children deserve to have their clothes fitting.

They could have hemmed it. It's too long. They could have, yeah. I didn't like the length of it. What I did like, if we're talking about christening frockage, there were some amazing frocks. My favourite was the Archbishop of Canterbury. Did you see his?

Justin Portal Welby. Oh, Steve! Don't they call him something like his most wellness or something? His most reverend? Oh, do they? Yeah, they call him the most reverend. Well, do you know who'd be able to tell us, but he's not here? Exactly.

I know a man who would definitely know the answer to that question. But they have lovely clothes, don't they? Good bit of purple, is it? No, he didn't go for the ecclesiastical absolute radio purple. It was more of a blue metallic gold effect. But there was one guy. Who's this Bishop of London character? I liked him.

He had a sort of disc around his neck. It was very lovely. A little bit Flavor Flay. Yes, it was. It was a bit clock. It was a bit Jesus on the clock, and I quite liked it. But I thought... But they described the ceremony.

It was very beautifully, quite elegantly done. I heard it on the radio described as low-key. And initially I thought Thor's archenemy. That's one of Steve's comic book jokes there. I found... It was low-key. Were there only 24 people, I think, present? Yeah, that is private by royal standards, isn't it? Yes.

Like, their private bashes have 24 people. To me, that would be quite a big event. Is that quite a big shindig? That's an intimidating amount for a dinner party. Not when you grew up in my house. But I did, I also liked that the Middletons, they drove self, which I thought was rather sweet. There was a photograph of the dad driving away,

and I love it when people drive to big events. You could have got an Addison Lee. You could have got a cab, a splash out. You'd think they would. That reminds me of when David Baddiel once, I was at the BAFTAs with him, and I said, how did you get here? And he had black timer at the Royal Albert Hall, and he goes, oh, I drove. I said, who drives to the BAFTAs with him. And I said, how did you get here? And he had black time at the Royal Albert Hall or whatever.

And he goes, oh, I drove. I said, who drives to the BAFTAs? Like 1973 or something. But, yeah, no, I enjoyed the christening. I saw bits of it. I watched clips of it and everything. I like seeing Mike Tindall at places like that. Because they've got all these extremely posh people. Yes.

And then this bloke who just looks like he's rocked up going, what's going on here? Let's have a laugh. Well, he's married to Zara. To Zara, yeah. Who is the sort of normal one of the line-up of godparents, isn't she? Yeah. She's the one that has a drink and acts normal.

Has a drink and acts normal? Yeah. Okay. There were actually some no-shows on the day, which was all a bit awkward, but we're going to be discussing that in a minute. Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We were discussing the christening and the christening. There was only one, really. Capital T, capital C, the christening. It sounds like it's a new Highlander film. Highlander, the christening. It sounds like it's a new Highlander film. Highlander, the christening. Well, you left on the absenteeism, but before that, I feel like I ought to bring up that I'm not entirely convinced that Zara Phillips' Tyndall, Zara Tyndall's husband, Mike Tyndall,

I'm not sure he stayed, because... Do you think not? Why not? Well, I saw a photograph of him in the paper dropping her off where he was wearing a short-sleeved shirt. That's so much better. Can you imagine? I don't need to come in. I'll wait in the car.

I've got the paper. I've got the car in mind. I'll just read that. And she's furious. She's like, you said you'd come with me. This is so embarrassing. No, I don't even know if he made the list. I think, I don't mind.

If this is wrong, my hands are held up but it does say there were only 24 people at the service and are you suggesting if you only had 24 tinder wouldn't make the car he's still paying the penance for his antics of the rugby world cup exactly maybe it's that maybe he's still not in the uh cloister as it were i love the idea of him with a cup of tea in a styrofoam cup, sitting with the engine running outside. How depressing is that? Could be. Listening to Roy T. and Stoney.

That, we should say, is not remotely depressing. That would be a very enjoyable way to spend a few hours. Yeah, well, that's the thing. He's on to a winner. He knows what he's doing. Yeah. It says in the paper, not only have the Cambridges ignored protocol by only inviting five senior royals,

they've also broken from tradition by not having their son christened at Buckingham Palace. Now, I think if they were really going to break with tradition, they could end that sentence by not having their son christened. Because, you know, you don't have to. Frank has his bad returns. I have my children. For one minute. and I'm 38.

I've done all right. People are still calling me Alan, except for people that call me the cockerel, obviously. I'll be the judge of that. Did Frank christen me the cockerel? Did Frank christen you the cockerel? Well, yeah, in a sort of John the Baptist mood. With water from the River Jordan in Portland.

No, that was from a canal in Birmingham, actually. So why do you need all this fuss? I mean, I don't like to sound Richard Dawkins. Well, I don't know. Seven godparents. That is excessive. And I understand it's a tricky story for the media to report. And so having seven godparents at least gives them something to write on.

Because it's literally baby gets baptised. That is the basic story. Seven godparents is a lot though, isn't it? And it just, to me, it exacerbates the gap between the rich and the poor. Oh, dear. Hang on. Hang on. Oh, no. Hang on. Let me finish my little joke.

Oh, go on, then. Get your little joke in, sorry. Seven godparents exacerbates the difference between rich and poor, because normal people have to wait for ages to see their GP. Oh. Godparent. Nice. Nice. Yes, no, we liked it.

I feel like I talked it up. We did have to explain it a bit, but it was fine. It was good. I like the names of the godparents, because they were very posh names, which, again, makes the articles a bit longer. Their word count. Jamie Lowther Pinkerton.

Oh, he's lovely, isn't he? Mr. Lowther Pinkerton. That sounds like what Boris Johnson would call his genitalia. I let me introduce you to Mr. Lowther Pinkerton, that sounds like what Boris Johnson would call his genitalia or something. I let me introduce you to Mr. Lowther Pinkerton. I don't know if we can say that on Absolute Radio. Check the big book. Yeah, can you check in the book? Meanwhile, I'd like to talk about some of the excuses that were given

from the non-attendees. So Prince Edward, he's one of my favourite royals, he apparently, he said he had a full day of meetings. I don't know if there was a G on the end. Meetings. But I always say that when I'm trying to avoid people. I say, I've got back-to-back meetings. Do you?

Yes. I look out for this. Duke of York? Meetings. Oh, hang on. Back-to-back meetings. I think he was climbing a hill. Who is he, Kate Bush?

What does he have meetings about? What cocktails to serve at the pool? About his 10,000 men and marching them up to the top of the hill and marching them back down again. Oh, God. We're always with the jokes. Said like an old Jewishish lady always with the jokes give us such a business with these jokes already

i can't think of a way to answer that you're listening to the frank skinner podcast from absolute radio want your frank fix a little sooner listen live every saturday from 8 a.m on absolute radio across the uk on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I'm Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio this morning. I should say, I've got to do my

housekeeping. I haven't done my housekeeping yet. I'm in terrible trouble. It's early morning. Is that when you usually do your housekeeping? Yes. Here it is. You can text the show on 81215, or you can follow the show on Twitter. You can tweet us, at Frank, on the radio. There you go. Housekeeping done.

You know what we haven't discussed as well is there was also, in other Royal News this week, Prince Charles, he did an interview, didn't he? Or he was featured on the cover of Time magazine? Yeah, the Forgotten Prince. They've interviewed 50 of his friends, which I think is impressive, because you could knock the zero off and still struggle to find five of my friends.

That's why you're not on Facebook, isn't it? That's exactly why, yeah, because it would be too cruel. It would be very cruel. He seemed a funny cover girl, I thought, from that scene. He's quite... Apparently he now wants to be known as the artist formerly known as the forgotten prince.

Oh, Steve Hall in the house, lovely. Well, he did quite well out of it. He came across, like, a nice man and a number of his friends said some nice things. Emma Thompson, probably the most significant result for him. Who said, and people may not know this, don't adjust your radio, she said that dancing with Prince Charles was better than sex. I know.

I don't know if I'm allowed to say that on the radio, I'm assuming so. I was hoping she meant dancing with Prince Charles is better than sex with Prince Charles. In fairness, I can actually relate to that. When I say relate, that implies that, you know, I've known him in some way. I haven't, but I wish I had, because I've always thought he's got it going on. I think he's a bit smoking hot, Prince Charles.

Well, there's that dance that he did with Diana. It's one of my earliest memories of them as a couple. It was 1984, him and Diana dancing at some ball, and they absolutely rock it. Keep it light, Steve. They look completely wonderful, and it's only years later that you find out that while they're dancing, at some ball, and they absolutely rock it. Keep it light, Steve. They look completely wonderful, and it's only years later that you find out that while they're dancing, they're thinking,

I hate you so much. Keep it light, Steve. You know what I do think about Charles, though, is that he did do something which slightly irritated me in that interview. He went on and on and on about how he didn't want to be king, and how it wasn't that big a deal to him, and he wants to concentrate on his charitable

work more. And whenever that happens I can't help but think it does remind me of a big brother evictee and they've just been voted out and they go, yes, I'm going home! Do you think that all the way through that he's saying in his head the music is and I just can't wait to be king!

That's the soundtrack of his life. Whatever he's saying it's underscored by life. If he was doing an interview going, I'm not bothered, and then that came on as his ringtone. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Hi, I'm Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning. I'm with Steve Hall in the house and Alan the Cockerel Cochran. Yes. It's very nice to have you both. Have we had any news from the outside world? I should say again, you can text the show on 812.15. You can follow it on Twitter at...

Let's test you, Steve Hall. Do you know what our Twitter handle is? Frank on the radio. Very good. I think you'll find there's an ampersand that precedes that. It's because you said at. Okay, all right. Well, I meant at Frank on the radio. Very good. I think you'll find there's an ampersand that precedes that. It's because you said at. Okay, alright. But then you... Well, I meant at, at Frank on the radio.

At, at, at, like in Empire Strikes Back. An at, at fighter. And you can email us, but I never... What's our email address? Oh, it's on the internet. We don't know it.

Oh, I see. So you go from challenging me as to my knowledge to I've been on the show for four years, Christ knows what the email address is. Welcome to living with me.

Are you guys living together? Is that where all this prep comes in? It's like Bernard and Ernie. We have heard from the outside world. Have we? Here's a text message, and I'm not sure I like where this is going. Go on. Morning, Em and Al.

I saw Frank on Thursday lunchtime. No mention of Steve. That's a bit awkward. No, Em and Al. I saw Frank on Thursday lunchtime. No mention of Steve. That's a bit awkward. No, it's hard. I saw Frank on Thursday lunchtime in Elstree, which is conceivably true, because he is filming Room 101 there, I believe. He is.

Morning, Em and Al. No, I'll tell you what he's doing. Sorry, Al. I saw Frank on Thursday lunchtime in Elstree. He's filming the Daft Punk video. Oh, yes. I'm appalled. I saw Frank on Thursday lunchtime in Elstree.

I'm letting him finish this. And I'm afraid to say that he was having a pee in a hedge. Hope he's not drinking again. I think that's unlikely, the latter part. But I'm not entirely convinced that he wouldn't have been having a pee in a hedge. Well, they are, having grown up in this area, there are shameful toilet facilities. So it's quite easy. If he's walking down Allum Lane, he's just past the El Danny studios.

Maybe he's having some lunch at what used to be the Artichoke Public House. Maybe he's nipping down the wagon and horses. Who knows? Why are you using the footballer's tent? And also, Frank Skinner is immaculate. His girlfriend wants to owe me that, and I'm confirming that. I do not believe he would do that for a minute. My dear friend would not do that.

OK, well, that's not what 531, the texter in her, is saying. Well, perhaps it was Graham Norton or Stephen Tomkinson, his other look-alike. Has that occurred to you? For just a minute. I think it's time we went over to somewhere a bit more pure. E-mail corner!

Or if the hedge room was a true P-mail corner. Or if the hedge room was a true P-mail corner. That does not sound like the voice of a man who would relieve himself in a public place. Can we kick off with some e-mails, please, Steve-O? We've heard from the outside. We've heard an e-mail from Caitlin, who says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I studied German at university oh and i'm fascinated and impressed by the way germans describe things by using just one word and it seems they have a word to describe a variation on the skinner effect oh

what is it the word is eisenbahnscheinbewerbung such a beautiful language german isn't it i say that again very nice it's only because i did a strange karate chop when i said it for some reason and what that means what isenbanscheinbewegung means it's the false sensation of movement when looking out from a stationary train you see another train depart directly translated it means train appearance movement. Oh. Caitlin goes on to say, I think I could create a new German word to mean the Skinner effect exactly.

Gezeiten Scheinbewegung, which directly translates as tides appearance movement. If there are any German listeners or readers, maybe they can help. You see, say that, I would say... Gezeiten Scheinbewegung. Gezeiten scheinbewegung. Gezeiten scheinbewegung is how I'd say that. This is the problem with German. They all sound like horrendous commando units from 1943. It could be really romantic,

but this is the problem with German. Could be unlucky. Lovely, Steve. Slightly late to the party. My only concern is I like it. I really like it. But I just worry a bit how my dear friend Frank will pronounce it. Because he does sometimes go a bit OTT with the pronunciations.

He says cliché instead of cliché. He does that with French. So I think with the German, I'll be interested to see how he capes with that. Gezeiten scheinin, Bewegel. Tides, Appearance, Movement. It's a language so horrendous, it makes Klingon look romantic. When I was on holiday this summer,

the French for a perfectly cooked steak was explained to me, do you know, a point? It's cooked to a point of perfection, like not too much, not too little. No, but I'm finding it quite alluring, the way you're saying it. A point. Oh, lovely!

You need to be on Celebrity Masterchef. Yeah, I'd like my steak a point. It means not, like, it's just right. Like, that's the... I mean, I'm probably mistranslating it, because I don't speak French. I'll tell you what I'm finding this morning. You're just right.

I'm fine. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is a Frank Skinner show. Frank's not here. He's in a Hugh Hefner silk bathrobe at home while Cathy wanders around with a little bunny tail loading the dishwasher.

And why not? No, no, that's just what I'm imagining might be happening right now. I was just quoting, was it Barry Norman? Yes, it was Barry Norman. And Arnold Brown as well. Arnold Brown. My favourite Arnold Brown line was, I'm a patisserie kind of guy. Anyway, we get distracted.

Are we in email corner still, boys? I believe we still are there. I have an email. Hi, Frank, Emily and the cockerel. I'm sorry, Steve. I always love the way you say it. Like you have a partner who's cheated on him. I'm sorry, Steve.

Having heard about Frank's discovery regarding the Skinner effect, which we should explain to new readers, the Skinner effect is that moment standing on the beach when the water goes out and you're not sure, oh, who's moving here? The Skinner effect is that moment standing on the beach when the water goes out and you're not sure, oh, who's moving here? Yeah, the Skinner effect has nothing to do with a hedge in the North London area, we should say. But also the Skinner effect, I thought,

we then switched to when something is in your head and it is actually in your head, like when you're crossing Waterloo Bridge and Waterloo Sunset comes on your iPod, or like when I was stuck in traffic thinking, well, it's OK, I'll not get angry about this. And K-Sarar Sarar came on the radio. I thought that was the new Skinner effect.

But anyway, we're sticking with the one on the beach now. OK. I feel I had to message in regarding a phenomenon I had discovered myself. I was wondering why it takes 24 hours to fly to Australia, yet it only takes the Earth 24 hours to rotate once it's on its axis. This made me think that surely we could just get in a helicopter and then hover in the air for 12 hours. Once we land, the Earth should have rotated enough

to mean that we have reached Australia. Cut the journey in half there, hasn't he? That's what he's done. He's cut the hasn't he? That's what he's done. He's cut the journey in half. That's what he's done. I genuinely believed I had discovered a new force and subsequently christened it Peake's Law. However, having spoken to several people much more brainier than myself, I'm assuming that's deliberate syntax. Oh, yes. Yeah, he's doing a play what I wrote type conceit. It turns out this force already exists and is actually called inertia.

Much love, Nick. I'm not entirely sure that that's the right... What I love about his email is that after it's actually called inertia, he's done a sad face emoticon. It's quite rare in life that an emoticon is next to the word inertia. Well, that's how the real scientists write it. Speed equals distance over time. Winky face.

Yes, exactly. See, I quite like that idea. What do you think of that? The only thing is, in terms of physics, I'm not sure that it works. But the only thing I'd miss is the lack of changing view. Because I like that on the plane. That's the best bit when you're about to land, everyone pulls those little flap things up,

and they go, oh, look, as if they've never seen sea before, or land, or trees. I mean, I have no scientific proof that this doesn't work, but I can tell you right now, if inertia did travel you to places, I wouldn't be here. Right, OK. You barely are now. I've been using inertia all my life and it's got me nowhere

well you say that now that you're what frank would call a celebrity yes which we'll get on to yeah things have changed now you've got responsibilities you've got fans now cock i haven't but uh who knows uh we have got a ps in the uh in the in the latest churchill advert the title character himself lets out an almost perfect, Weirdos, check it out. And that is true, because I've heard that a few times and thought, Does he? Sounds like Frank.

Do you know what, that Churchill dog, I never liked him. Well, now you might. I think this might turn you around. No, I think he's the sort of dog, well, if he was a man, I was going to say he's the sort of man, I think he's the sort of dog, well, if he was a man, I was going to say he's the sort of man, he's the sort of character that would say, take a pew, what's your poison? It's my shout.

I was going to say, he's just like a pub ball, the Churchill dog, don't you think? I've never really thought of him much more than just a dog on an advert. I've never thought that way. That shows why we're so different. I prefer the Hoffmeister beer. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. My name's Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 8.12.15. You can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio.

I'm joined by the cockerel, who needs no introduction, frankly, and Steve Hall. Who does need an introduction. Yeah, who are you? Who are you? That's a nice football start. I'll tell you what I've got to talk to you about. I've had some texting stresses

this week. I've been saving this up for you. You know how you save little stories up for friends? Well, I like your advice. I respect and appreciate both of your advice. And I'm quite a polite and pleasant texter on the whole. Would you agree with that, Alan? Yes. Yes, I think so.

I don't like where this is going already. Well, no, what I'm saying is I'm quite effusive. I'm quite affectionate. I'm quite darling and kisses, aren't I? I'm never unpleasant. Daisy, the producer's nodding. Vigorous nodding from Daisy there, yeah. Alan's worried it's all getting a bit all manner of grot, and it's not.

I'm just saying I'm pleasant. Yes. You get quite paranoid, I find. If I don't respond, you get upset. Well, I think that some of that is context, though, because I sometimes text you on a Saturday lunchtime when I'm heading home, so I'm usually thinking, I'm sat on the train anyway, where's my text banter? Where's the text banter, everyone?

I'm very happy to be used. Quite often I'm spinning three or four different conversation plates on that train journey. Are you a text player? Yeah, something like that. So I've never sent an aggressive text in my life until this week. Oh, wow, here we go. So, do you want to know, the object of my aggression was actually my personal trainer, Brown. Brown owns the studio. I'm also trained by Lionel and Carlos as well.

Why are you laughing? Lionel, Carlos and Brown. I'm mainly laughing because the producer just nearly spat her drink out when you said that. They sound a bit like Madonna's dancers. Is that why you're laughing? They're buff. Lionel and Carlos. And is Brown equally buff?

Oh, is he buff? He is buffer than that brownie surface. Beautiful body. Anyway, Brown sent me a text and he said, I'm going to read it to you I've got it written here This is how we're connecting with the people we're reading out text messages from our personal trainers

Emily We must keep consistent with your training Full stop There was little point This is where I thought it started to get nasty There was little point in getting in two good sessions in last week and then nothing this one lionel still has 8am available now this is the killer thanks full stop i hate that thanks at the end daisy producer does it it's very passive

aggressive so do you want to know do you want i like the fact that you pointing out someone else's passive-aggressivity was unbelievably passive-aggressive. No, but listen to this. I replied thusly, do not send me such horrible messages. It makes me scared to come again. I was going to book in anyway with Lionel, 4.00am, full stop. Here's the zinger thanks what do you think i have to say it felt so liberating sending that yeah i've never done it in my life and i'm going

to do it all the time now how did he reply oh he was very nice he said his entire business he's currently at the priory he, I was only trying to be encouraging. I'm so sorry if it came across badly. Yeah. I said, no bother. Well, that's it. It's all fixed. No, but the moral of the story is if you behave appallingly,

and then you'll get rewarded. Yeah. But I did think it's weird with that text aggression over text. I mean, sometimes when I get a bad text, when there's an exchange of a text, I find it very troubling. Don't you? Well, it sounds like that's the beginning of Sleepless in Seattle, that little text exchange.

That's your meet cute and you have to end up having lots of little personal trainer babies. I did have another unfortunate text this week, though, from someone else. It was a text message from a gentleman. Oh, yeah. He was expressing satisfaction. A gentleman text. Oh, yeah. He was expressing satisfaction. A gentleman text. A meeting place that we'd agreed on. He didn't say, great to see you there.

That sounds good. Do you want to know what he said? Break yourselves. He said, cool beans. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about a truly terrible text I'd received this week, which said, C4? Cool beans. Yes.

And in fact, you can text us on 8-12-15, because I want to hear if you've suffered similarly. Any terrible texts you've received? If you'd like to text us cool beans, do it on 8-12-15, yeah? Is that what you're asking for? Cool Beans. We'll just get loads of texts saying Cool Beans, Cool Beans. Yeah, we will get that. It sounds like the name of the coffee shop

you would never, ever want to drink in. Steve Hall, it sounds like something the Goonies would have said. And I walked out of that film when I was 12, so I certainly don't want to hear Cool Beans when I own property. I like the Goonies. I like the goonies. There are certain phrases that, you know, that's a good indicator of someone's soul.

I once had a gig, it was... More absence thereof. Yeah. I had a text from someone and he was explaining, he was trying to arrange a lift to a gig or something like that, and he was explaining why he needed everyone to meet him in Milton Keynes rather than London. And he did this lengthy explanation, and the sentence was,

that's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise. And we were driving quite a long way north with this gentleman, so immediately you go, oh, that is going to be a prison. I hate him. Immediately you're opening another window with train time. The only person allowed to say that is the cookie monster. That's terrible behaviour. That's the way it crumbles cookie waffles.

I'm going to start saying it. It's quite addictive. It's very Moorish, is what it is. This character, as well as Cool Beans, this wasn't it. Can I give you a rundown of some of the others? Yeah, please do. Another text said back on terra firma. It's been

a hell of a week. Were you being texted by Alan Partridge? Another one said touche. Touche? With an accent. There's some work being put in. He can find the accent on the keyboard.

Some points given for touche. He can find the accent on the keyboard, but not the right way of speaking. Have you ever sent... It's a David O'Doherty song, indeed, but have you ever sent a text to the person the text was about? He doesn't stutter his way through the song, as I just did. I nearly did it the other day, because that reply all thing gets you in terrible trouble.

But thankfully I didn't, so the cockerel will never know. All is well. Oh, cockerel, I would never do that to you. I have a worse one than that. I thought I'd sent a friend a text slightly slagging off his missus and called him to apologise and hadn't. Oh. He had to to apologise and hadn't. He had to say, I don't know what you're talking about.

I had to run him through the whole thing from the very top to the bottom. Oh, my God. At the time, I don't think I knew you, so I wouldn't have even known about your arthritic claw to say, I'm so embarrassed I've got this arthritic claw. I'm doing it now as you're telling me. That's how bad it was. But I've noticed, it's funny you should say that I'm a bit needy on the old text message front.

Because you're sounding a bit needy about being needy now. Here's a thing that's happened to me just this week. Somebody texted me saying, someone I know wants to speak to me. Is it okay to give your number out? Which I thought only show business people did. I didn't realise that civilians also say, am I all right to give your number out? Can you imagine the trouble I'd get in if I said that? What?

I'd get class war accusations. Nah, it'd be fine. Okay. Anyway, got a text the other day, Cameron wants to talk to you, can I give him your number? Cameron? Cameron, you say? Cameron, yeah.

There's no cable. And I said, yeah, no problem. Still no call. And I said yeah no problem Still no call And I haven't got his number So I'm just waiting I'm looking at the phone all the time Where's that call It's like they've read the game They're necking you

Can I just say David Cameron if you're listening Get in touch Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Have we had any texting on 8-12-15 Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Have we had any texting on 8-12-15? Because we have been talking about terrible texts. We have had texting on 8-12-15.

569 or Bob Loblaw. It's an arrested development thing, that. Oh, is it? I thought it was relative to SpongeBob SquarePants. Oh, see, this is the problem with not having your finger on the uh pop culture pulse is that you can read things out like that and seem really he's got a thing in the rest of him it's blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah anyway don't go all doctor who on us steve i won't tolerate that

hey that's all i blame frank for that his obsession with dick fitty i love that you sold him down the river. Anyway, what does this character Bob say? Well, he's not really called Bob, I don't believe. I once bought a gift for a girl, then texted my friend that I was crazy for buying it, dot, dot, dot, but sent it to her, then tried to borrow her phone to delete the text, but the messages section was passworded. Yeah, that's pretty bad.

That's not good. That's not good. I did that once with Greg. I received a text from the obese comedian Greg Davis, who he was inquiring as to how a girl we know had done it. I'd seen a girl who was also a stand-up had done, and I replied to her by mistake. I was praising her gig, but I also indicated that both me and Greg replied to her by mistake. I was praising her gig

but I also indicated that both me and Greg really fancied her. You did not? It was shameful. Why have you never done that to me? We've never texted. I don't actually have your phone number, no. Oh, let's start.

This could be the beginning of something grotty. That's the most disgusting thing you've ever done. Let me just tidy things up. Oh, let's start. This could be the beginning of something grotty. Speaking of your text message... That's the most disgusting thing you've ever done. Let me just tidy things up. Speaking of... Speaking of your text message... Oh, my cool beans text.

382 has texted to you, don't brag about having a personal trainer who you employ to get you into shape, then complain when you slack. Do you know... Good point. That is so accurate. Yeah.

You're spot on now. I think I stand corrected. That's why you're... And it's worked. That's why I'm looking so burr. What's surprising is that your personal trainer is doing the slightly bad cop routine, because most of them, I think, just spend all their time going, Come on, matey. Come on, Emily. We're going to get some really great gains if you come on, matey. Come on, Emily.

We're going to get some really great gains if you come in on Wednesday at eight and see Lionel. Isn't that your positivity? No, I don't get positivity. Oh, really? Your guy's like that. He's worked out that bullying me works. He's worked out. So, um...

We've got another 462 has texted. My stepbrother always signs off a text with the expression, nice darts. What does that mean? That sounds a bit filthy creep. What do you think that means? Maybe they're referring to the curtains, the stitching in the curtains or the trousers maybe.

I tell you what I don't like when people drop Gs. I got a text once from a member of the boy band Blue and he said, just checking in. That's back when they could afford to send text messages. I'm declaring my sin. He said, just checking in. And there was no G. Now, you've got to have a G.

Yeah. It's like spelling it bankrupt. What about... Maybe that's part of their problem, isn't it? So glad I didn't end up with him. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio this morning,

and you can text the show on 81215. Steve, I think we need to talk about the cockerel. I don't know if you're aware of this, but the cockerel's turning into, he's kind of a big deal now I'm not a big deal he's become a bit of a celebrity the gold teeth grill that was the first indicator it's for the continuity of the show

can you imagine if he came in with a gold teeth grill I would love that, Frank with that motorcycle helmet, up all night to get lucky. What's going on here? It's because I got them done before the starting of the shoot and now I've got to keep it. No, I've got a little, I've got, I would say, a

second tier character in a sitcom that I'm in. And so I'm filming. I'm in filming. I've been on location, location, location, not as a house or as Phil Spencer, just, you know, I'm doing it. Not L3. I like to think that you got the job, because you played a character in my old sketch show sitcom.

Yeah. I like to think he got the job because he got up to a manner of growth. You are the springboard between Jason the Asthmatic and my current television acting career. Jason the Asthmatic and my current television acting career. That's the only TV acting job I did in the intervening 10 or 15 years of work. Your appearance is one of the few good things in our sitcom. Is that right? Is it?

I don't know. I haven't seen it. That's for the best. Very few have, to be honest. He's gone a bit... I tell you what, he's going to be getting a hat soon, Steve. Glasses on a lanyard, I reckon. And I think he might come in and say,

I always believe you should do comedy absolutely straight. That's what you're going to do. What can you tell us about it? It's on in, I think it's on in about a year, but I don't really know. I can tell you an awful thing that I've had to do this week, which is I had to film some scenes in just my boxer shorts. Cool beans. Well, that's what they said. And then they said, which is I had to film some scenes in just my boxer shorts. Cool beans.

Well, that's what they said, and then they said, you're not meant to have those out. And they gave me a pair of pants to put on under the boxer shorts, which I don't know if you're aware of these. They're called... A fleshy thong. Nude pants, yeah, like a fleshy thong, which you put on so that you don't get your cool beans out, and then all the crew have to get post-traumatic stress counselling.

Nice darts. Exactly, yeah, yeah. I should have pulled them up at the back, that was the trouble. Was it a love scene? Yeah, and there was also like a... Oh, no. There was a comedy... What sort of a show is this you're doing?

A Mandy Well? Really, really filthy. Yeah, really filthy. It's a comedy... What sort of a show is this you're doing? A Mandy Well? Really filthy. It's a really... You know like when they put Hollyoaks on late? It's like that. It's really like that. Except with a guy that looks skinny and fat at the same time. That's...

Can I say, you've got a lovely little physique though. No, I haven't. You have. You do your karate classes. I do do some exercise. But it turns out, once you're in the cold light of day and surrounded by people in fleeces and expensive denim

and hiking boots like a crew is, basically, you suddenly realise, oh, I'm gangly, but I've still got a surprising, like, tummy. And you become very self aware of your own body not to be body dysmorphic but

and even worse the costume people gave me like a terry towel bathrobe oh no to protect your modesty to wear

it's so heart breaking I can't bear it off camera and I'd almost rather have just been in the box of shorts between takes as well because when you put

that back on A it made me feel like oh well now we all know that I'm covering of shorts between takes as well. Because when you put that back on, A, it made me feel like, oh, well, now we all know that I'm covering up in between takes. And also, you know what, Cockrell? It would have given it too much build-up. The moment of exposure with the cool beans. And B, the terry towel dressing gown is actually quite warm

and it did make me realise by the end of the day I might have had slightly stinky armpits, which you don't want. You really don't want that. I mean, they'd been really scrubbed that morning. Oh, my goodness, I don't think I've ever washed my armpits as thoroughly. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm Emily Dean and I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning on Absolute Radio. How can you text us, Steve Hall? 8-12-15. How can you tweet us, Alan Cochran? Frank on the radio. Oh, God! Be dynamic, man. I'd rather deal with the texts than the tweets.

I don't like to encourage all that stuff. Do you know, you've slowed the panaz right down. Yeah, that's what I bring. If you want a show bubbling brought down, then I'm your guy. I'm going to call you the cooler. Now listen, you were talking earlier about your big boxers

moment. Well, small boxers actually. You were in the studio? No, I was in a home. In a home? Not an old people's home. It was in someone's house, filming in a house in... In a home? Yeah, it was in someone's... What, an old people's home? It was in someone's house, filming in a house. Was it a location?

Oh, yeah, location. In a domestic scene, like, you know, I'm staying over at... I'm not going to give away too much of a lot, but... No, but you've got a bathrobe on. I just want to set the scene. I'll tell you what I'm wearing. I'm wearing some boxer shorts. I didn't ask, but anyway.

Some nude briefs and a lot of Old Spice deodorant stick. How nice for your co-star. Exactly. Did you have any... But what you don't want is for, like, accumulated perspiration to develop into scent, do you? So the Old Spice deodorant stick really... Yeah, I can imagine that really hit the spot. That's my scent of choice.

Did you have any body make-up on, just to cover minor blemishes? Well, mainly to cover up my prison tattoos from the spell I did I've got like a full map on my back from when I got out of Wormwood The single tear Yeah, I mean they always have to do that, every day You were sprung I I heard, from the scrubs. Yeah, so I'm there in the terry towel, and

I'm pretty sure, you know, the crew were trying their best to just, like, not go. They're used to it, I think. When you're faced with a bod like that. Yeah, I don't think any of them sort of went, ugh! Like, none of them did that. They kept a lid on it. Aren't his elbows pointy? Yeah, but his gut's strangely bouncy.

How does he do that? None of that. Everybody kept their composure pretty well, it seems. I think you've got... I wouldn't fear exposure if I were you. I think you'd look good. Yeah, nothing to be ashamed of, love. This is not why I brought this up, by the way.

Humble brag. Steve Hall, how do you feel about exposing yourself in front of strangers? My voice broke. My voice cracked with the strain of asking you that question. Steve, how do you feel? Well, I was always the go-to person in our old sketch show. I was the person who had to get their kit out, their kit off. I think both are true, having seen several of those live shows. No, he had to get his kit out, the kit off. I think both are true,

having seen several of those live shows. No, he had to get his kit out, his PE kit. So there was one, the most degrading ones we had to do, I had to be fully naked in a chicken coop with approximately 25 live chickens and I had to jump up and down

and the rooster was aggressive that day. Well, he always is. You know about that, Cockerel. That sounds foul. So you were naked in a chicken coop. And had to be quite alarmed because they were seeing bits and they were angry. Do you know...

The alpha was not liking what it saw. This sounds absolutely disgusting. Have you got a DVD of it? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner show.

Oh, I can't be bothered with all that. Guess what? I just got a text from Brown, my trainer. Remember I was talking about him earlier? Oh, yeah. And I'd mentioned that he'd sent me an encouraging text. Yeah. And I'd sent him a encouraging text yeah and i sent him

a vile one back yeah he said i'm getting texts from my clients saying you've been talking about my encouraging texts on the radio i'll be listening to the podcast later smiley face he's gone smiley face but what he actually means is sad face can i just say i should say at this point and it's honestly not just because he's got in touch without his encouraging texts i I would be nowhere. That's all. Yeah, and even as you said that, you were doing lunges, which I thought was impressive. That's good.

But, you know, we've been talking about getting naked, which I feel more confident about doing since I've been working out. She works out. But you know what? Also, I think it's getting older. I just don't care. I can't be bothered to get clothed much of the time. Honestly, when I was doing that show with Russell Kane in Edinburgh,

and I'd be in the dressing room in the hotel room, Russell would be wandering around. I think Greg was in, Greg Davis, Matt Ford was in. I was just wandering around in my bra and pants. I couldn't be bothered tight. I just thought... Did you find more people agreed to do the show? I think we're starting comedy careers. A lot of the younger comics were suddenly like, tight. I just thought... Did you find more people agreed to do the show?

People were starting comedy careers. A lot of the younger comics were suddenly like, yeah, I want to be interviewed. And I'd always say to them, oh, you don't mind, do you? And they'd go, no, no. I'm sure they didn't. The other day I was getting changed at work, and I was going out and I was putting... I had jeans on, I had to put a skirt on, and I thought, can I be bothered

to go to the toilet and change? I thought, no. So I did it at my desk. Yeah. And the male designer walked past, very handsome chap, only young. He said, I said, you don't mind, do you? I said, my leg's going into the tights, pants everywhere. He's from Salford.

He said, no, no. I said, you're a bit like a sister to me. Actually, you're not remotely like a sister to me. I just can't be bothered to go to the toilet and get changed. It's like it is. It's fine. Do you think that's alright?

Yeah. Before you know it, you'll have a shiwi in the desk. I'm about to strip off. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio.

This is Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank Skinner this morning on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. I'm joined, as ever, by the adorable and slightly hunky Cockroll. I thought you were going to say Steve then. The opposite of those things would be an accurate description of me. Steve, you...

The tolerable and ugly Steve Hall. Oh, come, come. Steve, that's not true. I'd say you've got a quirky appeal. And I'm certainly not tolerable. Yeah, Steve Hall is in the house. I am now. I wanted to discuss a new story that is effectively the polar opposite of the royal christening.

Oh, OK. Kim and Kanye. Oh, Kimye. That's their portmanteau word. Oh, is it? I think that is. Or it's one of my grandfather's illegitimate children. I don't know.

They're very close to that Japanese pickle, kimchi. That is nice. Anybody's not tried kimchi. I'm not speaking for Absolute Radio here. I'm speaking for Alan Cochran. Try kimchi. Yeah, and if Kim Jong-un is listening, I'm waiting for that call.

Call me. Call me. Call me. Sorry, you were saying call. Call me. Call me. Call me. Sorry, you were saying, you were talking about Kim Yu. So they are to be wed. They're engaged. They are engaged. You went a bit like a sort of medieval pardoner then.

They are to be wed. It's the effect of the christening. I am delighted to be able to say on this day that Kanye West is to be joined in holy matrimony with Kim Kardashian. Wouldn't it be great if they booked you to do it now? Oh, I would love that. They heard about this. Hey, you got that Steve

Harle in the house? They probably haven't got enough money after you've got very aggressive management. I hope he doesn't wear that black leather shirt again. Oh, I worry about it. There's Kanye West bling then there's Avalon bling. Do you think he's consigned that black leather shirt to the dustbin after he walked into a lamppost whilst wearing it?

You know when you've got a lucky shirt, you also sometimes have an unlucky shirt. That's one of my favourite clips in the history of the internet. It's so wonderful because it's the little tantrum he throws afterwards. It's like when you fall down. My equivalent to that is pretending to cry and that I've hurt myself.

And what Kanye does is get angry. But anyway, we should just say there was a proposal, wasn't there? There was a very elaborate proposal at the San Francisco baseball field. A 50-piece orchestra. Lovely. Fireworks. Family members flown out. Spelling mistakes on the scoreboard.

Yes. Oh, yes. Did he put it up on the screen, didn't he? He put, please marry me. Which is sort of worse, actually, yes, did he put it up on the screen, didn't he? Please marry me. Which is sort of worse, actually, than cool beans, is it? Yeah. Nothing's worse than cool beans, FYI. No, I think when she said yes, he should have gone cool beans.

Hit one finger on the finger and thumb. I think that's probably what happened. Do you know what I noticed? Re-please marry me. Oh, that annoyed me. He's only gone and left the caps lock on as well. Yeah, which he does on his tweets quite a lot. Does he?

He does that. He's quite a shouter. He should be my trainer. That'll keep me in line. What she didn't notice was that after it said, please marry me, she hugged him and then behind her it flashed up, Holla, we want prenup. Oh, wow.

It's something that you need to have, because when she leave your ass, she's going to leave with half. Steve Hall? Is that right? You can't say that. Oh, yes, you can. I think that's a lyric, is it? Yes, it is.

I know he's quoting from the lyric, so it's fine. Now, apparently, the ring was... He slipped a diamond on her finger. Yeah, yeah. A million pounds. Yeah, a little bit understated for him, if anything. It's an absolute 15-carat diamond ring. Yeah.

Is it? Yeah. Her previous one was 20 carats. The one from her last wedding that lasted, what was it, about 10 months or something? Yeah, yeah. 72 days, yeah. that lasted, what was it, about ten months or something? Yeah, 72 days.

I like, there was a comment, he said he gave a sort of interview the night before the proposal, and in a very romantic statement, he said, this girl is one of the number one designers in the world. I don't exactly know what her numbers are, but Sears does something like 300, 400 million a year. So that might lead you to believe that he does see her as, he sees it as something of a partnership, perhaps. I tried to fact-check that for him. I googled Kim Kardashian's numbers.

What came up? Well, a lot of 30-somethings. I don't think it's a coincidence that they're now engaged after about a week when... I don't know, did you see that she tweeted a selfie of herself in a bikini last week? Like a sexy boar hat. That's what she looked like. She looked amazing, but then he's gone, I like it, I'm going to put a ring on it. That's what's happened, isn't it?

Well, she tweeted a selfie in a swimming costume. I'm just saying, you in the boxers. Exactly. And the toweling robe. This time in a year I could be engaged. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Frank Skinner's show this morning. I'm Emily Dean.

It's very exciting, Kim and Kanye getting married. Yes. I'd like, I always hope that he's got a little bit more humour about him than he does because he reacted very badly to Jimmy Kimmel Oh yes he did didn't he but it was an affectionate mocking thing that Kanye responded horrendously to I would love Kanye West

if he could arrange it at his wedding for Taylor Swift to just arrive at the church and go I'm going to let you finish I would love that but my parents had the best wedding of all time. Yeah, I think, you see, I just, I'm obsessed by the statements he makes. I do, there's another thing he said where he said,

he was talking about, you know, what they had in common. And he said, she's been spending a whole check on clothes since she was 16, just like me. I love that that's what they have in common. They both bought clothes to wear. Yeah. I can think of worse reasons to get married. Yeah, me and my wife, we bonded over TK Maxx.

So what have you got from there? Oh, this. Oh, yeah. I've got this. Really? I thought that was from another shop, that sort of thing. Can I say I'm enjoying the Aztec vibe to your shirt this morning? Whenever I wear this shirt, it gets mentioned on the show. It gets a lot of attention. Can I say I'm enjoying the Aztec vibe to your shirt this morning?

Whenever I wear this shirt, it gets mentioned on the show. It gets a lot of attention. I'd call it a results shirt. You know, it's an audio forum we're working in. I know, but I was being a bit briefly self-indulgent. So are we moved by this news? Yeah, we're moved to an extent. I'm fascinated by him because his lyrics make me laugh. And I don't know if they're meant

to make me laugh. He's like Flight of the Conchords. A lot of people miss the humour. On Yeezus, there's a... What's his... Is his nickname Yeezy?

Yeah. Why is that? You got no Yeezy in Serrano? I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon. That's him. Why does he... He's ordering a sandwich. He likes a Serrano? I beg your pardon. I beg your pardon. That's him. That's him ordering a sandwich.

He likes a Serrano ham. Oh. Why does he call himself Yeezy, then? I think it's yay. I think it starts, you know, from... That's got nothing to do with Yeezy. It's extended. Okay.

Well, Yeezy implies, sort of, it started out as yay, and then he was a bit wheezy one day. Kanye West and asthma. Maybe Kanye West played Jason the Asthmatic. But there's a lyric on the new album that's in a French restaurant. Hurry up with my damn croissants. Oh, I'm so

I thought you were going to say something awful there. It's hard to get that angry about pastries, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. But it's nice to know that he's keeping it real. Isn't the full lyric, hurry up with my damn croissants and when I have a stoke, I want it a point. Hey, I noticed that mother was, she welled up, the mother. She seems nice, doesn't she?

Kardashian mother. Just if I had a problem, she's someone I'd really like to share it with. Don't you? Really, the pictures of them together, Kim and Kanye, he's got the same grumpy pout that Prince George has in the christening photos. They've got the same lower bit of the mouth. Yes, he's got a permanently slightly displeased expression, Kanye. And the conspiracy theory starts here.

People say it won't last. But, you know, haters gone hate. Absolutely. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I think it's time to go back to email corner. Shall we do the jingle? If you like, yeah. I thought I'd mix it up a bit.

You thought I'd made a mistake. Hello to everyone on the show. I know in recent weeks there has been a lot of Whovian talk. Yeah, hasn't there? Oh, no. And now Steve, catalyst of the Whovian talk, Paul is back to give you a full handle. I cried.

Can I just say I almost cried when they were talking about that Who thing for about an hour. I love it when people in real detail talk about programmes that are OK. I've no doubt that you will have had many emails regarding Doctor Who from your readers that love the show. Although not a Who fan, I'm a big fan of your show, a bit crazy. So when I saw this sonic screwdriver remote control when doing some online shopping today,

I immediately thought of Frank and that it would be definitely of interest to such a who lover. Especially one who says that the screwdriver has recently ceased to be a tool if not a magic wand. I've attached a link to the item which obviously doesn't work on radio but it is a fact. It's all the best

Alex University student in Portsmouth. Thank you Alex. Frank has found the perfect Christmas present for Stephen Moffat. Can I just say, I mean, you're here on your own. You haven't got your little partner in crime to defend you. But that was, it was terrible. I mean, honestly, there was a moment when, you weren't here, Cockrell. No.

And I'd like to know, had you been here, you would have intervened. Yeah. Because Steve was going on about someone called Dick Fiddy what was he a key grips man he was a rapper

he's a pioneer in relocating lost episodes blah blah blah and then a character called Toby Lastis or something Toby Haydo

who runs an excellent gig in Manchester called Excess Malarkey and I think he's soon to be doing a London run and asked me for the email of the show. What I don't want to do is start talking about it again.

Which you have effectively just done as well. I'd leave this to rest, whereas I reckon you secretly love Doctor Who. But that is a great niche, though, isn't it? Doctor Who merchandise. Somebody should have thought of that already, shouldn't they? Well, one of the reviews, I looked at this particular screwdriver, one of the reviews that said, looks great, one of the the reviews that said looks great doesn't work doesn't work as what a remote control or a screwdriver that's what i have a friend who'd immediately rule it out because he's not a fan of convergence technology you see i think this could

be a nice little christmas present for frank though i can you see him with his lemon barley water all curled up on the sofa, switching over to Merlin repeats? Getting up to go outside to have a wee in the hedge. Oh. Cockerel. Did you have to do that? Well, thank you for that, Alex.

I think, you know, whilst you brought up the subject of Doctor Who, which is unfortunate, it's still, it's a lovely gift. I don't even like it that much. Who pyjamas? And listen, can I just say, if anyone's thinking of buying me that gift for Christmas, all I can say is it would be cool beans. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

Are we still in the email corner? I'll tell you one thing that Doctor Who has contributed just before we move on. You really want to go down this road? I mean, I'm looking at this very much from a layman perspective, but I really feel like it has contributed. Anybody walking into a room that looks small from the outside can then say, oh, it's like a TARDIS in here.

And that is directly from Doctor Who, isn't it? I don't think there was a TARDIS in here. And that is directly from Doctor Who, isn't it? I don't think there was a TARDIS in pop culture before then. Even now, on like George Clark's Small Spaces or whatever it is. Yeah. Every week. They used to have to go, well, it's like HG Wells' Iftime Machine, isn't it? Exactly, yeah. It's like Noah's Ark in here.

No, it's had a certain cultural contribution, I won't deny that. Yeah, I mean, there's other, I'm sure there's other merchandise they can do. Do they have to talk so much about, and I use the word they advisedly, about Dick Fiddy? Yeah, okay, let's go on to the next email. We've had an email from Steve. Cockerel?

Steve says, Dear Frank the Cockerel and the exquisite Miss M. Oh, do you know what I already love, Steve? The BBC have allegedly planned a gymnastics show, and it's described as A, a Saturday night competition featuring some of the nation's best-loved celebrities vaulting, tumbling

and flipping head over heels to try and win the public's votes. So it's a gymnastics show. Care to guess what it's called, or would the readers? That's a tricky thing to question, to post, because the BBC involves gymnastics. They obviously can't have the word gym in it for very, very good reasons. So his big reveal, the show is called Let's Get Ready to Tumble.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. I wonder what theme music they'll play. Well, this is the difficulty, isn't it? Because at the higher echelons at the BBC, they must be going, we can't get Ant & Dec. We just can't do it. No, I know.

They're on ITV. Also, that makes me nervous. I mean, we do discuss this regularly on the show. We should say this is one in a series of shows that we talk about commission, basically exclusively on the strength of the title. Only Fools on Horses was one of our favourites, wasn't it? Whoever they get to host Let's Get Ready

to Tumble ought to have to come out. You know like at the start of The Voice where all the judges sing a live song? They do like the Muppets band. They should sing Let's Get Ready to Tumble, but it not be Ant and Dave. Like if it's, you know, I don't know, Cat Dealey and George Alligier.

They should have to do it. I think it should be like, they should just pick two people. Vince Cable and David Van Day. That sort of thing, yeah. I'd love that. I think they should get Rod Stewart and call it, Do You Think I'm Flexy?

Steve, that's good work. Or an old Olympian gymnast and call it, Comin' Etch Ago, if you think you're hard enough. Steve, you're on fire. Goodness. I tell you what depresses me a bit. Gymnastics displays I find inherently quite depressing because I had to do one when I was younger and it was to Salt-N-Pepa's Pusha Hit.

And it was so... Even as I was doing it, I knew there was something very melancholic and awful about it. As I stood there shivering in this leotard, sticking my arms out. Bullshit. Really glad you weren't watching. But I had to punch the air.

I even had to do that during the display after. I think when it was bullshit and then I had to punch the air. Of course, in a story from your school days, punch the air could have meant the royals were visiting. Well, our governors. And even my father said after the gym display, that was extraordinary. Did he mean you were really good?

No, I was terrible. I was dreadful. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've had a text during that link. Apparently I've been lined up for a let's get ready to tumble. That's pretty good news, isn't it? You've got to do it only in your boxes.

Me and Peter Crouch in a cartwheel off. You're not dissimilar physically. Yeah, we're both kingly. I'd say you're broader. He's probably got lower body fat than me, I think. OK. Less beer and bread. I'll let you two argue that one out.

Steve Hall, you've been out and about, haven't you? I have. Last week I went to see the, you may have heard of him, a promising young guitarist by the name of Johnny Marr. Oh, yes. He's been getting a lot of the publicity at the moment. He's got a future in this business. And I was quite emotional. I'd seen Morrissey live a few times. I'd seen Johnny Marr do the Healers, but this was the tour where he's playing some old Smith songs. Okay. And there were lots of men in Harrington's trying not to cry and I was one of those men.

Oh, Steve. I should jack it too tight. I'm a fairly unemotional man normally so when something happens that excites me so much and I can't process it sometimes the things I find myself exclaiming alarm me. And the second song, it was the drum

pattern I recognised straight away to panic. And I was so shocked by it that as soon as it went into the drum pattern i had recognized right away to panic and i was so shocked by it that as soon as it went into the drum packet and i startled my wife who sat next because i went oh go on and i have never i would never that is completely out of character you wonder if it's stewart pierce i did it was and it was and it was panicked so my wife then my wife briefly thought i'd developed Tourette's and then realised it was just a song I liked. Did she say, don't panic? Did she?

And then I did a similar thing later in the week where, I'm going to edit this to make it palatable for radio, but I was watching telly with the wife at home and a spider suddenly crawled across my hand. Yeah. And I looked at the spider and went, oh, you are taking the mick. Oh, did you? which is a very weird response to it like a spider is pranking me i like that yeah that you had a sort of strange

interaction with the spider glad you tidied it up look and i just i think that shouting things out though is quite odd you see i quite like it because you can't i remember frank did it and i loved it frank calls the first how after he um he come on, and punched the air after he'd swum a length. But to be fair, it was actually very moving, and I did cry during that, as did the cockerel, I believe, even shed a barnyard tear. But he said it was something he did. It was a surprise exclamation.

Yeah, I like this. When your whole soul takes you by surprise. Yes. Like, you see, the idea of you shouting out, Steve, you just don't strike me as a shout-out to Ty. I'm not a voluminous person, so... My dad does it sometimes. I remember having my feet up on an electric fire at home,

just warming me little tootsies. That sounds responsible parenting. Sounds dangerous. It's an electric fire, and my dad went, you're damaging the flues! What about the man on the tube? I was on a really packed tube. There was a man there.

It was thinning. It was the kind of hair that makes you nervous. I'm going to call it anchovies over a boiled egg. There was about nine of them. He leans against the tube doors. He got pushed against the doors. Some of the hairs got trapped as they shut. He starts trying to prize them open.

Everyone's trying to prize them open. They're not budging. As the train takes off, you just hear this melancholy voice going, My hair! Oh, no. It was awful. Oh, God.

It was awful. And that man was Kanye West. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Steve Hall, we were talking about how you inadvertently shouted out during a Johnny Marr gig, and you said? I said, oh, go on! Oh, Steve.

Are you a shouter, Cockrell? I have a problem with surprise proclamations. In fact, your previous story about seeing that man trapping his hair on the tube, which is hideous. His nine pieces of hair. But I have a thing where I mutter wig. If I see someone in a wig, I can't help but go, wig. As you don't. As if to myself, just wig.

That's just abusive. And I have stopped this one. I don't want you to judge me. As if to myself, just a wig. That's just abusive. That's such a housing out. And I have stopped this one. I don't want you to judge me. I might be bringing the laddie gauge up a little bit here. Years ago, a very attractive member of the opposite sex walked past me. Oh, Steve. And I muttered to myself, fit.

And I was so appalled at myself that now, if people jog past me, I do it. Anybody with any remote athleticism walks past, I now do it, almost to compensate for that moment. As long as you never find yourself going, Wig, fit. Wig fit, yeah. Oh, yeah. Wig fitter. That was Wigfield's original working exact name. Although I do have a shout-out that we should mention.

Do you? Because we're nearing the end of the show. Go on. I think we need to do a shout-out about some of your other work, don't we? Your extracurricular... I can't say that. Extracurricular... Your other work.

Are you talking about the work I do on the night shift? Yeah. Haven't you got extra absolute radio work this weekend? I do, I do, but I couldn't possibly talk about it. Well, I can. It's laughter therapy, isn't it? Emily Dean is joined by David Baddiel on Absolute Radio at 7pm. Is that today? When is it, Daisy?

Tomorrow. Double it up. OK. I don't know if I'm allowed to plug things. Frank, might you cross with me? I think you're allowed to plug things on this channel. OK. Is this because Frank would be angry that you're working with David? I think he'd enjoy it immensely, the crossover.

Are we breaking a scoop here? Yes, you are. Like a tabloid scoop. It's hot off the press. Yes, I am. That is tomorrow night. 7pm. 7pm, there you go.

Okay. Laughter Therapist, is it? Yeah. You'll find out all about it. You can listen to it. It's me and comics. Breaking the habit of a lifetime. Me and comics.

Cool. I feel comfortable with them. Are you hosting it and you have different guests each time yes I will be hosting it and they'll be oh Steve's hinting wildly I can't bear it I'm not a good choice I would be bookable you know series 10

Steve stop putting yourself down I've got no problems I just need my dick fitty as long as I've got my dick fitty that's alright I'm going to listen to it whilst I'm practising on the parallel bars with Peter Crouch. Let's get ready for tumble. And I'll be standing there going, fit. That is kind of all we've got time for.

Thank you so much, boys, for holding my little tiny doll-sized hands throughout this experience. Frank will be back next week, which is very exciting. There's nothing more for me to say other than be seeing you The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio back Saturday morning from 8 tune in live for the full Frank experience Absolute Radio