The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - David Baddiel

Episode Date: June 29, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week the team discuss Frank's encounter with a Matt Goss Fan and George Osborne's Burger-gate. There's a trip to email corner and the team are joined by a very special guest, comedian and Friend of the show, David Baddiel!

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Do you remember them? And if you'd like to text the show, we're on 8-12-15. And we'd love you to, because it's often the funniest bits. And you can follow us on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email the show, remember those? On

the Absolute Radio website, which you can just look up on what's it called again? Ecosia. Ecosia. Oh yeah, we love that one. Ecosia, the search engine that saves rainforests. Also, David Baddiel.

Yes. Remember her? David Baddiel is going to be on the show. He's coming in. He's coming in. And I'm confused because I thought he had swimming lessons. I thought Ezra had swimming lessons on Saturday. Well, maybe he's made arrangements.

Well, he must have. No, but I just want to check he's not home alone. If he comes in here with a rolled-up towel under his arm, we'll know what's going on. Wearing trunks. Oh, no, that wouldn't happen, would it? OK. Well, speaking of celebrities,

I was walking along the south bank of the Thames. Well, that's your manor. This week. That is very much my manor. I was just going to go on, you know that ramp that goes up to the Royal Festival Hall? Yes, I know well. Yeah. I walked past the Royal Festival Hall in the morning.

I didn't realise they use it a lot for graduation ceremonies. Uh-huh. So there's people in, you know the big black cloaks and the mortarboards knocking about. Always feel sorry for the ugly people. It's never worse time to be an ugly person. Specifically then?

Yeah, specifically. I generally feel sorry for them. No, I'll tell you what it is. It's a very unforgiving outfit, the graduation thing. And the beautiful people, it's because it blocks out everything except your face, more or less. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So it even takes your hair and everything away. Just your facial features are absolutely framed and central. And I just say, not if you get a hairdresser the morning of your graduation, but that's another story. I know, but even so, you know, the mortarboard. The widow's peak, I know what you mean. Yeah, exactly. graduation but that's another story i know but even so you know the mortarboard the widow's peak i know exactly uh and uh and the ugly have got they can't you know they can't offset it with clothes or anything there's nowhere to hide and i pass a lot of them are having their photos took

with the river in the background and there's beautiful people and there's you know people and the larger category where i myself reside of you know the very ordinary looking and then there's the ugly. And I feel for the ugly. Could they not be allowed to wear a slightly colourful mortarboard or something to take the edge off it? Anyway, that's not my point. My point was I was approached by a couple, male and female. You know, the old-fashioned style.

And they approached me. A trad couple, yeah. Got a bit old-school, these people. And they approached me. Kind of old-school, these people. Yeah, what's going on? I said, come on, get with it. Anyway, it turned out they were from Ireland. They're from Belfast, in fact. They haven't caught up yet. So,

they said, oh, nice to see you. We had a chat, it was lovely, and they're very nice people. and I said so come here in London over for a bit of a holiday and no she said that Matt Goss was doing a showcase last night

at the Café de Paris his new album you know a showcase they do like three tracks she said so we flew over for that Matt Goss and I said, they're like three tracks. Yeah. She said, so we flew over for that. Flew over? Matt Goss. And I said, she saw, she obviously saw a smile playing on my lips. And she said, I'm a big fan of Matt Goss. Oh.

She said, I'm a, I'm a big fan. And obviously I was threatened. And I thought, well, respect. Because I really like people who stick with people when they're careers. So I looked up Matt Goss, because I thought, well, I just thought he'd just gone. In that case, can I just say, Matt Goss update on Absolute Radio coming up. Are you going to tell us? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I know quite a lot about him. Do you? He's got a new single out called When Will I Be Famous Again. No, he hasn't. Reprise. Do you know a lot about him? I know bits.

Well, I read I Owe You Nothing, which was Luke Goss' autobiography. Oh, that's the brother, right? Yeah, and it was established in that that they didn't know the difference between net and gross, which is how they lost their money. But Matt Goss says in the forward this is i believe a great book but they went to america and became sort of movie stars or something and the drummer apart now or is it the guitarist the one who wasn't a brother is the manager of pink yes is that right which is a gay club in vauxhall don know if you know it's lovely in there a lot of fake fur but

and there was footage of Matt Goss at a recent I've got more Matt Goss Goss Gossip I'm calling it Gossip

I'm really pleased with that can we call this section of the show The Goss yeah I don't I don't think that we've reached the Matt finish. I'm on fire. What a terrible moment to have to break off for music.

I might never be this funny again this morning. We've had a missive in, and the subject line is The Bride of Satan at Glastonbury. OK. Hi, Frank, the Divine Emily and the strutting cockerel. Nice. Strutting? Oh, he struts.

Oh, yeah. If any more proof is needed that Catherine Jenkins is a force of evil, then here you go. He then provides a link, which shows a picture of Catherine Jenkins at Glastonbury. There is quite frankly... Sacrificing a goat. There is quite frankly nothing worse than endless coverage of what celebs attend music festivals, especially Glastonbury. And that email is from Michael.

Yeah, why do they do that? I don't know. And why do celebrities think if we have Wellingtons on, we look like we really know what we're doing at a festival? And a plastic cup with beer in it. Yeah. Glasto. Always sunglasses as well.

Glasto. Yeah. That's what people say in it, Glasto. Ironic that it's called Glasto, and yet people have plastic cups with beer in it. Should be called plastic coptoe. Eh? I'm glad I'm not at Glasto. Me too. Yeah, I'm glad you'm not at Glastow me too

yeah I'm glad you're not as well because otherwise it'd just be an empty chair and we'd be saying where's Emily gone apparently she's gone to Glastow she should have said something it's a bit bad to just go anyway there'll be people

in fact I saw a tweet yesterday that said oh I've just got a smile from Frank Skinner at Glastonbury. Oh, yeah? Oh. You got back quick. Yeah, how did that work? That was some sort of holic.

That would be Graham Norton, I imagine. At Glastonbury? Yeah, I can see him in one of the tents. Can you? You should. That cam set-up you've got is getting out of hand. So, anyway, I looked up Matt Goss and there was footage of him performing in Vegas.

No. Did you watch? In Vegas? No. Can I say I love the idea of Frank with his feet up, cup of tea, watching Matt Goss, bit grainy footage on YouTube. No, it wasn't.

It was very... He had a trilby on, on stage. That's because of the hair. And then there was... Well, I didn't know about that. I haven't seen... It's gone. It's going.

Oh. Going, going, gone. But there was an interview with him then. He's still got the trilby on, so I thought... Oh, right. Yeah.

All right. All right. This was the thing with the... God rest their souls, the Bee Gees, is that all the different ways of dealing with baldness. One had a weave, didn't he?

And one wore a trilby. Yeah. And the other one was the control. He was covered in hair. But anyway, I tell you what, it had clips of his gig. And this woman who I met on the South Bank was very, I mean, you know, I have much respect. He's still got a nice voice and he's a lovely looking lad.

Oh, he works out. I mean, in a hat. But he was doing... He was covering a few songs, you know what I'm saying? I don't know how many originals they've got. He was doing Superstition by Stevie Wonder. Oh, he loves his soul. And I think Katherine Jenkins would love his soul,

if she could get her hands on it. For years, I've been unsure of... What does Stevie Wonder say before he says Superstition? It sounds to me like Berris. Berris Superstition! What does he say? Berris Superstition! Well, I don't think you should say that.

Do you know? I've always wondered whether it's there is or very. But then I thought his grammar would be appalling if he was very superstition. Yeah, that's rubbish. Or there is superstition. Which one is it? It's not going to...

Why were you saying that? Does he mean that there is superstition? What about Mary Superstition? Mary? Oh, it's like a greetings card. Yes. Very superstition and... Catherine Jenkins would say that.

Is it a bloke he knows? Barry Superstition. Could be. Did you say Barry Superstition? Mary Superstition. Perhaps he just needs... I can't go straight into the main word. I just need a vocal warm-up.

You know I'll do my... You know that... I do. Yeah, but don't do it on... No, it'll be fine. Why don't you trust me, you people? We're over here. I know where you are.

OK. Barry Superstition. I'm not sure, Steve. It'll be fine he's quite difficult Stevie Martin has turned into some strange agent he's quite difficult to work with Stevie apparently

so anyway he did that very superstitious this is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio it's very superstitious This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. It's very superstitious. We nearly said it in unison. Which would have been very superstitious in itself. Of jinx. So it's not even saying superstition at that stage.

No, he says it's very superstitious. Well, I'm saying he, it's 016. What's very superstitious? The writing on the wall. That's not superstitious, is it? It depends what the writing is. Here it's absolutely radio. Does he mean suspicious?

I bet he's one of those people who means suspicious. I think it's right when All Saints wrote that song and said, a few questions that I need to know, and they meant a few answers that I need to know. Oh, yeah. Got it wrong. I mean, someone should say, do they not have grammarians at the studio?

They step in and say, excuse me, but... They ought to. No, but Stevie shouts at them if his personality is anything like you previously implied. He's Tricky. That's what they call him, Tricky Stevie Wonder. Yeah. Yeah, he used to be Little Stevie Wonder, didn't he? Hang on, where does this leave Tricky?

Tricky, the actual, you know, Tricky... Well, that's why you had to stop calling him Tricky Stevie Wonder Tricky took him to court he didn't yeah he didn't he did he said

he said this is he said it was going to be Berris expensive I went over Berris is a word I think is exclusive to him

it's an intensifying adverb like we might use very. Or extremely. He says berris. So, anyway, let's not stray too far from Matt Goss. It was very much a case of that they

were there for the lady. I don't think the bloke was a big Matt Goss fan. Not a brossette. I was a bit of a brossette. Did he have gross bottle tops on his shoes? No, he didn't have any of that. I'd forgotten about that. Oh, I did that.

I loved it. I haven't forgotten about these. But I always went for Craig, the drummer, because it was a kind of game theory thing where I thought I'll go for the one that no one else is going for, Better Chance. OK. I don't say that in the context of Newman and Baddiel later in the show, will you?

Were they albinos, the Gosses? I don't think they were, and I'm not sure that's how you pronounce it in this country, is it? They have the look of albinos to me. Don't make them bad people. Are you from Texas? That's how you say it. Also an albino boy. He's just declared that bros are albinos.

No, you must admit they have the look of albinos. I think that's why he was wearing a trilby, to dazzle the audience with reflections. But I respected this one. I tell you if I spoke about it on the show before but it's almost, one of the main differences between men and women, relax

oh gosh, I know this is one that I mean one of the ones that is often spoken about or drawn on walls is that blokes can really fancy a pop star and they're happy with that that'll do them, just looking at pictures is that blokes can really fancy a pop star. Mm-hmm. And they're happy with that.

That'll do them, just looking at pictures of them and stuff. Women, if they really fancy a pop star, they go and buy the records. Yeah. You don't need to do that, because you like what they look like. Yeah. You know, the one direct...

People buy in one direction. I understand, by the way, that Harry Styles, I read today, has got 38.6 million followers on Twitter. Well, we love the whole person. You're able to separate a physical appearance. But if you think Harry Styles is beautiful, and I admit you've got an argument there, get some pictures of him, but don't buy the albums.

What are you doing? And I'm not saying this woman has fallen into that trap, but I think she may have. I mean, you know, I like the loyalty of it, though. It's a good thing. I mean, whenever Bob Dylan tours and he's touring again this year, I always go and see him. He's terrible.

Yeah. Terrible every time. Terrible. Yeah. Not only is he terrible, but he takes songs that I love and he murders. He utterly spits in the face of those songs. On the plus side, though, he looks great. Yeah.

He looks great. It's all about image with him. Does he wear a trilby now? He's, you know. But the thing is, he used to be, you know, brilliant. But I still go. It's like, you know, you keep going to see Grandma even though she doesn't know who you are.

It's that. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. People are getting angry now about very superstitious. It's very superstitious, I think. That is apparently the answer. Yeah. We've also had a naysayer

saying, well, at least I think he's a naysayer, and I think it's a he, 281 has texted, I fancy Lana Del Rey, and I bought two albums by her. I am 40. So maybe he's saying men do buy. That's the follow-up to I am Spartacus.

I would save that because we might be glad of that in court. Okay, so she's very beautiful, Lila Del Rey, but I can see a picture of her. I don't want to listen to that sort of stuff.

No, no, but that's you, darling. But 281 is saying he doesn't feel similarly. 281. I keep a daily journal, and at the end of every night, I make a note of what I've read in bed before I go to sleep. Right. I don't know why, but I do. I'm currently reading Fahrenheit 451.

Oh, yeah. You know, Ray Bradbury. And I noticed the last few entries in my diary say, in bed with 451. That's going to be found in years to come by archivists of this radio show. And I think, well, I wonder who that was. You know, we've been talking about obsessive fans

well i'd like to get on the subject of memorabilia because pete doherty i don't know if you guys heard about this i did hear about this was that serious well he's got some some memorabilia he says it's it's not exactly van gogh's sunflowers, but he's got cigarette butts, he says, belonging to Kate Moss and Amy Winehouse, which he'd like to sell. I've got vomit belonging to Alan Cochran in the back of my throat now. He's also got Christmas wrapping paper that Steve Agrizovic...

Oh, yes. The old keeper. Yeah. Who did he play for again? He played for Coventry. That was one of the teams, I think. He once sent to the guy from Black Sabbath. I don't know...

Well, that's worth having. Well, they were known pen pals, weren't they? Steve Grusiewicz and the guy from Black Sabbath. I wonder if one could verify that Kate Moss has smoked that cigarette. It's all about provenance. Or that Oggy had opened that, had received that paper. I mean, a signed letter of provenance by Pete Doherty. Yeah.

Mmm. Mmm. Good luck with that. I've got memorabilia. Still, he sold worst things. I've got a letter written to me by Arthur Miller when I was 13 years old. What? No way.

What? You don't know that? Arthur Miller? Yes. Blimey. Dearest Emily. Have you contacted Letters of Note about this? No, I should do.

I love it. It's one of my prized possessions. Why did he write to you? Because a friend of mine's father was directing him in a play. Well, isn't everyone's at that age? And I said, well, I really like Arthur Miller. Other kids like Andrew Ridgely, I liked Arthur Miller when I was their age. And she said, do you want his autograph?

And then he wrote me this lovely long letter. Wow. That's fantastic. Is he still going? He's dead, isn't he, Arthur Miller? He's not doing Vegas in a hat. Frank Bruno gave me an autograph. It said, dear Emma, best wishes, F. Bruno. I've got that.

It didn't say F. Bruno. It did. Dear Emma, best wishes, F. Bruno. I've got that. It didn't say F. Bruno. It did. Emma, best wishes, F. Bruno. Well, I think you've taken us literally from one extreme to the other. Arthur Miller and Frank Bruno is my colour.

That's brilliant. You must tell me more about the Arthur Miller. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Where were we? We were discussing memorabilia and the fact that I'd trumped you all

with a letter from Arthur Miller. I've got a letter from Alan Bennett. Oh, that has trumped me. No, it hasn't. I don't think so. Because he's still alive, you see. You can still get one from him. OK. It's the dead.

The dead that really rake in the money on the memorabilia. Oh. I didn't know this was a financial top-drums memorabilia. No, no, I wouldn't. Basically, I don't know what I was thinking of, but I wrote to Alan Bennett and said, hey, do you fancy, you know, writing something together? Did you?

Oh, that's so sweet. What was I thinking of? And I said, you probably don't know who I am, but I'm sweet. What was I thinking of? A nerd. And I said, you probably don't know who I am, but I'm a comedian. And I thought, you know, you can sort of come up with a character. I'll gag it up a bit. And how did that project go? He wrote back a very nice letter saying, of course I know who you are,

but I'm not very good at working with other people. I'm a bit grumpy. It was a really very sweet letter. I can't believe my naivete. If I could have any memorabilia, I'd like that big statue of Saddam Hussein that got pulled over.

That'd be good. Well, the one that had the flip-flops. Yeah. I know there's a bit of dent in it. They went mental with the flip-flops. There's a bit of flip-flop damage. Have you got room for it? And am I right in thinking you live on the 11th floor? No, no, but I'm thinking we've got to get a house with a garden eventually for the baby. I'll put it in the garden.

It'd be lovely in the garden. Get some of that soft flooring for when you're climbing and playing on there. Did the head come off, though? No, I don't think so. Oh, OK. It was a clean sweep. No, yeah, they brought him. He was sort of, he tipped up, you know, he tipped up from the base. But I think it'd be a great reminder, wouldn't it?

If you woke up in the morning, open your bedroom, bear in mind, say if I'm sleeping on the third floor in the house, when I open it, you'll basically be looking in at me. Yeah. Sit down. That would be terrifying every day, wouldn't it? No, because I'll open the curtains and I'll think to myself, it's a great way to start the day, I'll think to myself,

Frank, enjoy yourself while you can. Before you're toppled. Yeah. Ozymandias. At Christmas you can put a big beard on it. You can't put a beard on a Saddam Hussein statue. You can at Christmas.

In your garden. That's what the victory was all about. So, yeah, that's what I want. If I could have any memorabilia, that would be it. You might want this other bit that's just come in. We've had a text. Hi, Frank. My mother's manager, which is the manager of an Oxfam

shop, has been donated a limited edition John Wayne pocket watch with protective case. Would you like it? From Paul near Dartford. Would you like it? From Paul near Dartford. Would I like it? Would he ever? False. That would go a treat with my cuckoo clock.

We bought, just FYI readers, we bought John collectively. It was collective responsibility. A John Wayne cuckoo clock. Yes. And I've also got a John Wayne belt buckle. With a shot of him from Chisholm. That's a bit sleazy. On it.

No, I said Chisholm. OK. Which is a film of his. And I'm not that avid a collector. But no, that'd be brilliant. That'd be absolutely... Oh, so brilliant. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We've had a text saying you could get a John Wayne alarm clock that wakes you up saying I've come for my boy You do not Apparently you could

Or maybe it's someone suggesting you could You could try I've never heard of that There's a cracking bit of memorabilia as well, 338. I've got a photo of me and Eddie the Eagle at the Idol Home exhibition from about 1991. Definitely a treasured possession. That's from Craig in Sussex.

He asked my girlfriend out. Eddie the Eagle or Craig from Sussex? No, Eddie the Eagle did. He did, yeah. Yeah, she knocked him back. But I saw him, he was on All Star Family... No, what's it? All Star Mr and Mrs. Was he?

He was on that. With your girlfriend? What was he asking Kath out for then? No, no, this was... Players gonna play. It's a long time ago. Okay. It was down in Alderweirend, in the skiing community.

But no, they said he was on All Star. I was going to say Alan's defence of him, players gone play. Sorry, Frank, that's you. He was on All Star, Mr and Mrs, and Phil Schofield says, so you're also, as well as doing appearances on stuff like this, you're also a plasterer, aren't you? And he says, yeah, yeah, I'm still, I'm still work as a plasterer. And I thought, well, you're an all-star,

Mr and Mrs, and you're a plasterer. How can, that doesn't make any sense, does it? I'm sorry if there's any plasterers listening. God bless you, but all-star? A plasterer? This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner, which you may have guessed, on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text us on 81215. Lots of you have. And I must say, it's been a rich crop this morning. Oh, yeah. Has it been a Roy crop? You can... Is that based on... Roy Cropper.

I thought it was based on Royxop, the Scandinavian. No, it's based on Roy Cropper. You can follow us on the Twitter, Frank on the radio, or email us through the absolute website, www.ww.w. Nick Elsley has tweeted us. You know, we had a question last week

asking if Sandy Waugh, the newsreader, was in fact your mother-in-law. Yes, misunderstanding, because my mother-in-law is called Sandy, but it's not Sandy Waugh. It's Sandy Mason. It is. But Nick Ilsley, he won't let it lie.

He says, I wonder if Sandy Waugh, mother-in-law, might be a new Viz character. I like it i would like to see just at least one strip of that i think if there's a listening can you get working on it that would be uh they might be listening you never know we've uh we've also had an email in actually last night but uh it it works on several levels. Last night! Berriss gonna be super... What's happened? Berriss Superstition is the Welsh clairvoyant. We've been discussing...

I don't know if Berriss is a Welsh name, but it ought to be, hasn't it? No, but Berriss is a name, isn't it? Nerys is a Welsh name. Berriss isn't a name, is it? Yes, it is. My daughter's bus driver, my daughter, my niece's bus driver is called Beres. Beresford.

Your niece's bus driver? The school bus. Oh. The school bus. Beres, Beresford. Beres. Okay. Every day's a school day. When Beres is driving. This is, very good, mugs and more. But if this is a black cat on the street, he'll stop the boss immediately.

Is that right? It's a bearish superstition. Very good. Please carry on. Shall I continue? Please do. Hi, Frank, lovely Emily and the AC. Not sure about that.

Rob Long, time listener here, former owner of the Top Cat coin. Oh, yes, I've got the Top Cat coin mounted. Intrigued over the mugs debate over the last few weeks. We've been discussing mugs that we love. It's a strange show. So much so I hit the web, asked Jeeves for a better insight. Yes, enter Skinner mug, up comes you and the lovely Miss M looking guilty and youthful.

Scroll down a little more. Guilty and youthful, how often those two go hand in hand. Scroll down a little more and you come up with Peter Brioniti's website, which offer a picture of Frank on anything you want. My favourite. What? The photo jigsaw. A 300-piece jigsaw puzzle, 17 by 12.

The jigsaw is delivered bagged on a backboard, making a superb gift. Also supplied are a resealable bag, a photo example of the image, and a self-assembled flat-pack box for storage. This item will be shipped from our UK lab. What a gift. Frank, in 300 bits, that is all. But this is from the Peterborough United website. I can't believe it either, but he's put a link and it's real. Really?

Yeah. I must check this out. You must buy a 300-bit photograph jigsaw of yourself. They must owe me something. I've got no image rights. When David Beckham was at Real Madrid, he used to make a fortune from the stuff they sold in the club shop with him on.

I heard he ran his car just off the jigsaws. Really? Yeah. Well, there you go. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We've had a text. Hey, Frank, the lady with the sexy voice and the cockerel. I know.

Matt Goss was in Blade 2 and was a good actor in it. OK. Oh, is that the Wesley Snipes one? Love your show, Stuart, from Marple, as in Mrs Marple. I like places as in places. Places as in people. Yes. Oh, you've seen Blade 2? I haven't seen Blade 2.

No. Oh, I don't think he acts. He sings. What a career. He's the milliner's friend, as well, he's known as, in the business. We, I think it's time we discuss Geoffrey Osborne. We haven't discussed him this week. No, in case you don't know,

Jeffrey Osborne is the Chancellor of the Exchequer, who you may know as George, but he was called Jeffrey by Barack Obama accidentally, and we've decided to stick with it. He's called Jeffrey now. But he's embarrassed himself again. Has he bongled? Oh, lovely!

I think not, since he was at Eton. He wasn't actually at Eaton, was he? Was he not? No, everyone thinks he was. Can I just say, I was told by someone very posh recently that you don't mention Eaton's name. You say, did you school? Wow.

Is that right? Did you school? But he got into hot water over this thing, foodstagramming. I know you don't like the internet, Frank, but do you know what that is? I saw this picture, not on the internet, but I saw it in the paper. I like the internet. Okay.

I don't look at it as much as I used to. Okay. I took a vow. Steady. But I saw that picture of him supposedly working through the night on his speech. I'm a man of the people,

just a regular guy having a burger. I thought he was trying to make himself look like he was Ernest Hemingway or something. He was, like, hunched over these pages. They don't even write their own speeches, do they, politicians? No, no. So it was a bit programme associates. Yes.

You know, someone who writes the jokes, but they're not allowed to be put as writers in case people think the comedian doesn't write the jokes. It's a bit singing in the rain, all that. But he... Yes. So he's hunched over the burger and chips, but then it backfired because it emerged

that the burger wasn't just Jamaqui D's. It was £6.75 from Byron, £2.95 for the chips. So you're looking at a tenner for this burger and chips. We paid for that. Well, exactly. It's our burger. It's the chips. So you're looking at a tenner for this burger and chips. We paid for that. Well, exactly. It's our burger. His defence. People said, oh, why didn't you go to McDonald's? And he said, McDonald's don't deliver. And I was working late, overlooking the fact that Byron don't deliver either.

No, he told a lie. Alan's gone forensic, and I love him for that. Don't they have to resign if they're telling a lie? I thought that was the whole thing. I feel a bit sorry for him, actually. Do you? Yeah. Why? Well, because I just think... Because he never had the courgette fries, is that...? He wasn't having a swan sandwich.

He was having a dirty burger. If you had a swan sandwich, you'd have it on a hot dog bat, wouldn't you? To contain the throat. Yeah, definitely. Well... If he'd have had Macie Dees, they would have complained. They would have said, you're promoting this chain. But why do politicians want to look like they're ordinary people?

I don't want them to be ordinary people. I want them to be cleverer than I am, because they're running the country. Why couldn't you have had, instead of a Byron burger, if you'd have had the complete works of Byron, then you'd have thought, this is a bloke, he's wise, he's got an active brain. I'm glad he's helping to run the country.

But he wants us to think, oh, you're just like us. Great, everyone I know, how many of them would I want to run the country? None. No. Thanks a lot. Well. He also... I was worried about his liquid consumption, Frank.

He had a Diet Coke, a coffee and a water. Two Diet Cokes. Two DCs. Yeah. I think... That's a diuretic. He's working late on a speech. He wears the rubber pants.

Doesn't even... He hasn't got time to get up. And he does back and front in there until he's finished. Does he? He's a very, very dedicated professional. But he's not like, he's not writing the Gettysburg Address, is he? I mean, that speech that he did was, we're going to do this and then we're going to do that. It was basically cut this and cut that, wasn't it?

It wasn't government of the people for the people, was it? By the people for the people. Why is he doing it that late, either? I mean, like, he knows he's going to cop. Get it ready earlier. Yeah, start earlier, finish earlier. How do I believe that he was working late doing that? I wonder if he had... You're such haters, you two.

Not a hater, just a disbeliever. Do you think he has bastinados for breakfast? Pardon? I believe, if I remember rightly, that's a line from a Byron poem. Bastinados is... It's an eagle in some country. Yeah, well, it is. It is, because it's...

What it is, it's hitting people on the sole of the feet with, like, a baton. And they used to do... I think he was in prison for some reason, Byron, or maybe it was just his character in the poem was in prison. He was in prison. And it said was in prison for some reason, Byron, or maybe it was just his character in the poem was in prison. And it said bastinados for breakfast. Did he have bastinados for breakfast?

I don't know. I think he had a club foot as well. Can you still say that? That's like a foot that comes in three layers with bacon. On Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were talking about George Osborne ordering his burger

from Byron. Geoffrey. Gideon. Apparently he sees the Byron menu as like a Gideon's Bible. We've had a text in from Ian Angle. Oh, he's a regular. He provides some of the better puns that we receive.

And he's saying, let's let Byrons be Byrons. That's tremendous. Very good. I like that. Strong work. We've also had a text in. Hi, team. Eton is known as Slough Grammar to Old Etonians.

Is that right? I love all that. A little secret. All their little ways. Hi, team. Eton is known as Slough Grammar to old Etonians. Is that right? Mm. I love all that. A little secret. They all look their little ways. And a point of order. It was actually Luke Goss in Blade II, but I can understand the mistake. They do look alike.

That's cos they're albinos. I think there might have been one in the Da Vinci. Also, Matt Goss, eh? We were all saying, oh, we were scoffing at him, but in fact, no. Wrongly. Our binos tend to be criminals in films, and I think that's wrong.

That's wrong, though. If I was... If I was... Say if I got the Doctor Who job. Yes, if. And then people in 20 years' time are saying, of course, our Keith was brilliant as Doctor Who. I'd be, you know, I'd be miffed about it. Miffed.

Rightly miffed. I'd be delighted. Hi, Frank, Miss M and the Cockerel. I'd be, you know, I'd be miffed about it. Miffed. Rightly miffed. I'd be delighted. Hi, Frank, Miss M and the Cockerel. I'd be slightly delighted. Hi, Frank, Miss M and the Cockerel. I've been listening for ages now, and I think it's about time you stopped saying,

for those new listeners, what we are talking about is. I think it's about time you gave no consideration to new listeners and just allowed them to catch up, as us regulars are receiving less of a show as we are having to put up with topic repetition for all the newbies from aggrieved of Tunbridge Wells. It's a good point. It's a good point, well made. If I start to do that again, stop me.

For new listeners, we do often read out... No. No. We don't have any new listeners anyway no we don't so i don't know what we're talking about i only say to be honest aggrieved um to sound as if we're um evolving in fact we're like a stagnant pond i think we're about to go to email corner but first i just thought i might go to a breaking financial news corner we've we've just had a text in maybe it should be suspect breaking financial news to my knowledge

the burger chain byron are about to be sold for 100 million pounds or more this stunt by osborne smells fishy and you pillocks have just spent 30 minutes giving Byron free publicity. Can I say I love being a pillock? Can I say, the fact that we are pillocks and it smells fishy, sounds to me like this might be someone trying to plug the fishing industry. Indeed. Well, they actually have mistyped and it says fishing instead of fishy. I was just correcting it. Nick Clegg this week was asked about this thing.

And he said, oh, I like Byron Burgers as well. So maybe there is something weird going on. Wow. But everyone likes them. I mean, it's the only thing I've got in common with them. Now we're going to be all after the print. Now you're being a pillock. I prefer the Keats Burgers.

I find them more lyrical. Well, I'm a Longfellow. I've heard that. I'm a Coleridge. I've got a really big appetite. Yes. Frank572, getting back to Stevie Wonder's lyrics, was Matt Goss singing Hairy Superstitious when in Vegas?

Regretful that he's now so follicly challenged. Yes. It all makes sense. My trilby is suspicious. You're wondering if I'm bald. Actually I'm albino. Or so-called.

You have lots of corners. What shape is your studio? Well, you're right, we're about to go to... You're right, we're going to go to one of those corners now. E-mail Corner We are in E-mail Corner where we read a selection of our readers' emails. Al, can you stop? Because I'm still laughing at all so cold. Al, can you stop?

Because I'm still laughing at all so cold Hello all My mum used to tell me stories About how she would find me in the middle of the night After having sleepwalked downstairs In the middle of the night Walking in my sleep Tune Didn't you not call him Billy Joel last week?

I did call him Billy Joel He went a bit piano man, Frank I've stayed pretty loyal to Billy Joel. If I had any Billy Joel memorabilia, I'd be pretty pleased. When you said Billy Joel, it reminded me of the letter I got addressed to Emma Leedine. L-double-E. Anyway,

as you were. Billy Joel, the piano man. Go walk in the sleep. In the middle of the night, after having sleepwalked downstairs to sit in front of the television, even though it was switched off I was never sure I believed her until I was in my early twenties and would lock my bedroom door at night

with a bolt on the inside and then wake up to find it unlocked I used to I also used to occasionally find That happened to me when I went away with the Arsenal team I also used to occasionally find I've heard some of you from Mr. M. Sipyron I also used to occasionally find

I'd taken a loaf of bread out of the freezer I don't do it anymore, maybe I grew out of it or maybe it's because my husband leaves his shoes in the middle of the bedroom floor for me to trip over so my subconscious has got a survival mode Frank, that's a literal nightmare for me to trip over so my subconscious has got a survival mode frank that's a literal nightmare for me that i dream i'm taking a loaf of bread out for the free i mean imagine that what if you woke up and you'd eat and i'd eaten it you'd eat the loaf of bread i don't know what

you'd do with yourself i think that would be good but if you took a loaf of bread out and then also perhaps like some cheese and a knife and slice that you could make your butties for the next day at work if you were have some pays on supper like some strange impressionist artist i meant you as in not you i meant a person listener like you're making the somnambulist sound like it's a good thing yes if there was a make their sandwiches terry locked himself outside completely naked when he was sleeping. Our Terry did. Do you know, I can't picture our Terry doing that.

I hope you can't. And if you do picture it, get out. But the husband leaving his shoes in the middle of the floor, that's good of him in many ways. Well, I had to leave my shoes by the front door because my girlfriend has put a ban now on shoes in the house. After long years, whenever I've been to people's houses and they've said,

do you mind taking your shoes? I've always thought, I'm never coming here again. And now in my own home, because the baby crawls all over the place, we don't want him to get dog mess blindness. I think it's called. Is that what it's called? Yeah. DMB.

The DMB threat has made me shoeless in my own home. Shoeless Jackson. Just so you know, Alison Hall says she prefers an Ezra Quarter Pounder with cheese. Oh. An Ezra? Ezra Quarter Pounder with cheese. Oh! Do you get it?

I do get it, yes. It's a bit more modernist than I was anticipating. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. It's still an email corner, Frank. Yeah. Before we move on, can I just say that the previous email that we were discussing was from Lindsay, because I don't want her to have sent it in and not been named.

Lindsay, well, I might have done her a favour, because I don't know, if I was a sleepwalker, if there was a local murder, wouldn't you be thinking, I wonder if that was me? Yeah, yeah, it's good that locals now can go, possibly Lindsay. Yeah, I think she should be at least questioned. I mean, probably on the hypnosis. But it's true, you don't know what you're doing.

You're walking about, you're taking loaves out. You know, you could just as easily kill someone and take a frozen loaf out of her freezer. That's why I still don't believe it. I think you're more likely to kill someone than take a loaf out. Okay, what else? This is from Gemma. She says, dear Frank...

I don't think I could do it, because when I get up in... I don't know about you, when I get up in the morning, I mean, I have about ten minutes of just searing pain through the back and legs. Yeah. Which would wake me up, see, if I'm sleepwalking. Oh, yeah. I still don't believe in sleepwalking,

despite all these missives. Is it like me, I'm fainting? Yeah, I just think it's attention seeking i love our listeners but i'm sorry i don't believe in hypnosis no i don't either i tell you you see people hypnotized right on the what about when those magicians frank get them on stage yeah exactly no definitely not there was one i can't remember i think it was somebody like i don't think it was darren brown it was somebody like... I don't think it was Darren Brown. It was somebody else. Paul Sennon.

I don't know who it was. Yeah, don't name it. It was on the telly, though, and this bloke was in a shop window. They put him to bed in a shop window, but they told me he was in his flat. And then when he woke up next morning, he's saying,

Hey! All these people are looking at you. He said, What are you doing looking through the windows of my flat? What are you doing? And I thought, you know, if you wake up and there's someone looking through the window of your flat, you don't say, what are you doing looking through the windows of my flat? Because we know where you are and what they're doing.

You're doing that for the viewer. So you're not hypnotised. So if anyone tells you they've been, if anyone has been hypnotised properly and it worked and they thought they were a chicken, not it just relaxes you and you stop smoking, but if you thought you were a chicken or you ate a raw onion, do text us because you might convince me that it's real.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can we return to Email Corner, please? OK, Email Corner. Oh, a bit loose. Gemma says, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, I've been listening to the podcast since you started on Absolute

and frequently think of things to email you about but never get round to it. So this time I remembered. You were asking why horses can't have chocolate. It's because of a chemical in chocolate that is poisonous to horses and dogs, and it's called theobromine. Dogs? When we had dogs, they basically lived on chocolate.

Yeah. And then died. Yeah. They lived on chocolate, and it was the best three weeks I've ever had in my life. To be fair, you also used to just let the dogs out to run riot. You didn't walk them. Who? Yeah. They lived on chocolate and it was the best three weeks I've ever had in my life. To be fair, you also used to just let the dogs out to run riot. You didn't walk them. Who let the dogs out? Yeah.

It is also about... Hold on a minute. What about peanut butter? Okay. Because... That and other questions. You know Mr. Ed? What about peanut butter?

You know Mr. Ed the talking horse? I'm familiar with his work. They used to put peanut butter on the roof of his mouth to make him eat like lick lick his mouth and move his lips about so then they could dub the voice is that true is that one of those pg tips urban mist is that true no no that's okay i don't know about the pg did it what did they do i don't want to discuss that tell us off um it is also this drug notice how i say that in a very disparaging tone. It is also a banned substance in horse racing

as it acts as a muscle stimulant. Oh, I like the sound of that. And diuretic. I work with racehorses. That's how I know this. Okay. Changing the subject. What, in an office?

There is a siren that goes off in Teddington, London every Tuesday at 9am. It's an old air raid siren, but it's now used as a chlorine alarm for the waterworks in Hampton. There is a large chlorine store there and if it got out, the sirens would go off. You're meant to run for your life if you hear it. I hope this was interesting. Keep up the work, not a compliment. Well, it was interesting. I wish I could explain why she's mentioned sirens,

but that would upset the one from, that person who doesn't want me to explain anything to new readers. I know. but that would upset the one from that person who doesn't want me to explain anything to new readers. So, yes, it isn't. I think we could go on a siren tour, maybe, of places where they have... You know, we could time it specifically. The Sirens of Britain. Yeah. What do you think?

Sounds like it could be a late-night telly show as well. I'm up for it, yeah. I bet our listeners can think of a good punning title. If we travelled round the country just in time to hear sirens going off, it would be like being Odysseus of old. What about the sound of sirens? Oh, I see. Forget your entries.

Afterwards. It's one. Frank, afterwards, we have a text called Hypnosis, A Confession. Ah. First, the commercials. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us at 81215.

Go on, it's fine. Or you can follow us on the Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show through the Absolute Radio website. David Baddine is in the building. Why no, I've left him some banana bread because I don't think he'll be best pleased if we scoffed at all. Yum, yum. No.

I think he's on a diet, but we'll find out when he comes on. Yeah, but he says that. The last time he said that, he had four Brandy Alexanders. That's another story. That was the Brandy Alexandra diet. It's rigorous. He said, I'm on very strict Atkins, and then he drank four Brandy Alexanders.

I don't... Well, we'll come to this. I'm sure there's an explanation. I don't know. Is there any meat in them? You're all right with meat, aren't you, if you're on the back? Yeah, oh, yeah. We were discussing, well, it was something of a controversy,

a bit of a hot topic, Frank Skinner, you've created this morning. Hypnosis. You say it's rubbish and it doesn't exist. That is, yes. I think you could possibly, you know, you could relax people and get rid of their fear of spiders or something, it's possible. But people who suddenly think they're on their holidays, on stage and all that rubbish.

Well, you expressly asked if people thought there'd been a chicken to text in, which, given that I'm nicknamed the cockerel on this show, I thought was just lining up my replacement, and I'm not sure I like that. Yeah, that'd be... I want to stick with poultry. We've had an email...

If it ain't fixed. It's from a police officer, so I think we should go to him first. Oh, OK. He says, Steve says, Frank, I'm a police officer, and several years ago... I hate it when people start a sentence like that. Who is it?

I'm a police officer. Carry on. Several years ago, we had an exmas do and the bloke doing his bit trying to hypnotize people managed to get me under but i bluffed everyone and pretended the whole way through including the carrot bit sorry i don't like the sound of the carrot no i don't like the sound of that but that i mean there don't like the sound of that. But, I mean, there you go. Case closed. Well, you say case closed, but we've had a text saying, 525 has texted saying, it does work, I know, I do it on people,

anyone can be hypnotised. Yeah, but if you're a hypnotist, you've got to say that. He sounds like he might need to help the police with their inquiries. Are you going to believe this person over a police officer? What about 134? I shared your view, Frank, until my brother got done by Paul McKenna. Call me. Call me as in caps.

Just FYI. No. But that's the brother, isn't it? So it's all right. You don't know. I mean, are you your brother's keeper? The brother could be, you know, he could be bluffing. Call me.

Well, I've been hypnotized a few times. You have? No. Sorry, that was so real. And it is totally fake. I acted. I don't believe it. That's from Gaza.

I was hypnotized as part of the evening entertainment at a well-known health farm. There is no one more sceptical than me, but I was unable to rise from my chair, despite inwardly telling myself that I would resist it and get up. I still can't quite believe it, but it definitely happened. Professor Stephen Hawking. LAUGHTER David Baddiel is in the studio It's lovely to be here

I've got a hypnotism story that I don't know whether it will help or confirm what you were talking about before about whether it's true because you were talking about show hypnotism weren't you? Yeah, stage hypnotism I've had hypnotherapy for insomnia, which I used to have very badly. I don't have it so badly anymore.

So it works. Well, no, it didn't work at all. They put me to sleep then, and then I'd be in bed later on, absolutely couldn't sleep. That's partly because I slept during the day. No, I see. In the hypnotherapy place. Yeah.

Obviously not going to work. Now, I think children cured me of insomnia, because they woke me up a lot in the morning, then I was knack, it's obviously not going to work. Now, I think children cured me of insomnia because they woke me up a lot in the morning and then I was knackered and I just had to sleep. But the hypnotherapy thing, I had it

and it definitely worked because I was so relaxed that my bladder, I didn't wee myself. Now, I didn't wee myself, but I... You wee'd somebody else. Yes, I wee'd the hypnotherapist.

She was furious. No, I said, it was brilliant, it was beautiful and then I said, I'm so sorry to break the mood, because she's talking about, you know, relaxation. But I've got to get up to go to the lavatory. And this happened four times during the session.

And by the end of it, this very calm hypnotherapist was just cross, was just angry. But it clearly worked, because it worked at a sort of physical level. Well, yeah, but have you ever thought that you were eating an apple, in fact you were eating a raw onion? Yeah, that happens to me a lot. My taste buds, they're gone. It happens as you get older.

So, before we delve deeper into your psyche, we should say that you're on the road. Yeah, I am. I'm performing stand-up comedy again. Can you believe it, Frank? I can't. Yeah, I'm doing... I've sort of been tricked into it, I feel, by life and circumstance.

But I'm doing Edinburgh, basically. I'm doing 11 nights at Edinburgh with this show that I'm trying out for the last time at Soho Theatre next week. And then I think I'm doing a couple of days at the Pleasance Islington. But it's a show about fame. It's a show about the sort of absurdity...

Can I say it's tailor-made for me? It is tailor-made. Well, you've seen it, haven't you? I have, I love it. I've seen it. Didn't it? Can I say, I don't know if this is true or not, but you've told me it encouraged you

to go back into stand-up comedy yourself. It did. I thought... Just to top me. If he's got the guts to get up with that act. No, it did. It made me think, you know, this is great. I love it. I'm going to top me. If he's got the guts to get up with that act. No, he did. It made me think, you know, this is great. I love it.

I'm going to do it. Yeah. So, yeah, you've inspired me again. Well, I should say, when I say it's about fame, it's not about... Because when people talk about fame, sort of people who've been... It's a bit awkward, isn't it?

Yeah, well, that's partly what it's about. It's about the awkwardness of talking about having been in the public eye. And one of the things particularly is when famous people tend to do that, they tend to surround it with the loneliness of the spotlight, the sort of roar of the crowd versus the empty hotel, all that Janis Joplin kind of grab. Mine isn't about that.

Mine is about being recognised on a Ryanair flight when I'm trying to save some priority seats I haven't paid for. It's about the thousand mundane humiliations of fame. I'm going to tell you one that I haven't paid for. It's about the thousand mundane humiliations of fame. I'm going to tell you one that might be relevant that happened to me the other day that I'm thinking of including in the show. Tell me whether I should or not. I did an interview on BBC Radio and outside

BBC Radio, outside broadcasting houses, there's always these men standing around. The autographs men. Autographed Johnnies, I believe they're called. Are they? Well, I only sign the books. I engage? Yeah, I think so. Well, I only signed the books. Yeah, no, I'm getting into a conversation. I've got to. Yeah.

And so there were about five of these men, all about sort of 58, sort of 60, coming up to me. And one of them fights his way through the crowd going, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave. And then he hands me his book and he says, Frank's great, isn't he? And I signed it. I think you should definitely put that in the show.

What book was it? Was it one of yours or one of mine? It was his autograph book. His autobiography, I think. But they always have those people. They have a number of pictures of me. And often of Frank, actually. Pictures of me and Frank.

Well, in the show that I'm sort of putting together at the moment, there's a brief section about, which sort of refers to me being famous. And I don't think people like, they don't like you talking about it. Your whole show's about it, and everyone was laughing. When I talked about it, it got a bit awkward. I was pointing out the fact that someone had said to me,

someone who isn't famous, they were taking the mickey out of my very careful driving, which you have in the past. I was pointing out the fact that someone had said to me, someone who isn't famous, they were taking the mickey out of my very careful driving, which you have in the past. Yeah, very ultra-careful old person's driving. And I said to this person, remember, I've got a lot more to lose than you have. Oh, my God.

And they took it really badly. Now I can see that. But the thing is, so did the audience. Was that on the side you that on holiday in France? No, no, it wasn't. It was one of the... It didn't happen there. I want to find out about your current health regime as well, but we have to...

Because it's commercial radio, we have certain obligations on the adverts front. You go for it. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. David Baddiel is in the studio. You know, I woke up this morning and looked on Twitter, which I sometimes do, and I got a tweet saying I was trending in Canada. And I went to check it, and the reason I was trending in Canada was because of this show.

And I actually have, because this is pathetic, of course, but I went and looked at, I printed out the trending map in Canada. And I was... Caribou, is that in there? Caribou, no. What it is, is at Badil, followed by at Absolute Radio, trending. So your show, presumably, is big

in Canada. Brilliant. Which is no good to me, because I've come on here to plug my Soho Theatre. No one's going to fly from Vancouver, are they? Or Edinburgh. If people will fly from Belfast to see a showcase of Matt Goss... Does that happen? Yes, I think they will come from Vancouver. Here's the most extraordinary thing.

This map is from earlier, but I'm with a lady who works for our agency, and she went and checked it again just before I came out. I'm still top of the Canada trending list, absolute radio, but just before I came out. I'm still top of the Canada Trending List, absolute radio, but below that is Canada Day. I'm actually top. We've beaten Canada Day in Canada on Trending Canada. That's an away win of some notes.

I feel sorry for the lady whose job today is to check whether you're still top. That is a bad job. She's Canadian as well. It's that moment when she has to say, actually, you're still top or out the dead. That is a bad job. She's Canadian as well. It's that moment when she has to say, actually, you're not top anymore. A moose is now above you. And she'll probably be in a car with you on the way back

and there'll be an orchard out there because you're no longer trending in Canada. You know how that can hurt. Can I phone Pierre... What's his name? Pierre... Trudeau. Thank you. He must be dead.

He must be dead. Well, it's funny you should say that, because I said on Twitter, oh, God, I'm trending in Canada. Who knew? It must be because I'm on at Frank on the radio, and someone immediately tweeted back either that or you've died. Because if you die, you trend on Twitter. But I don't think I would trend in Canada on Twitter if I died.

If you died in Canada. Possibly, yeah. Possibly if I died in Canada. Killing their leader. Yeah, then I might. I'll try that, if I died. If you died in Canada. Possibly, yeah. Possibly if I died in Canada. Killing their leader. Yeah, then I might. I'll try that, shall I? If you were shot by a bodyguard, say, as you killed their leader. It sounds great, Frank, doesn't it? Frank, he's eating that banana cake. Banana cake, lovely.

So, are you on a... you are on a diet, aren't you? I'm on the 5-2 diet, Frank, which is... Now, I believe you were talking about my faddiness with diets earlier. I heard Emily talk about the now historic occasion where I said I was on the Atkins diet and then immediately ate five doughnuts. And had four Brandy Alexanders. I don't even know what a Brandy Alexander is. I thought that was a woman I was with once. A Brandy Alexander is what Sebastian Flight used to drink, isn't it, in Brian Sedra Visiting. Is it?

It's Brandy and... And I will have a buon the alexander yeah i thought it was in the room didn't you just like it's brandy and cream or something well i don't remember obviously i don't remember no clearly but yeah there were times where i let it slide with the atkins diet i went out for lunch with you once and you've you ordered potatoes and stuff and i said i thought you're on the atkins you, I don't start it till two o'clock in the day. After lunch. I only go on the Atkins diet away from mealtimes.

That's the way I do it. So what is the 5-2? 5-2 is basically you can eat under, if you're a man, under 600. I go for 650, little bonus to myself. Okay. Two days a week, non-consecutive days and then other days. 650 calories? You have to eat

under 650 calories. What is that though? I don't know what that is. A Mars bar. Most people choose not to eat a Mars bar on their fast days. That would be quite silly.

That's about 150, darling. 190 a Mars bar. Well, I've got you can eat like an egg for breakfast and then like a 300 calorie Weight Watchers meal

for lunch and then perhaps a turkey fillet. Sounds meal for lunch and then perhaps sounds all right god i feel really like we're starting the one show on the five days you can just go crazy well that's the key to it i think because i was doing that obviously the first as soon as i started doing it i was so hungry and i get really unpleasant when i'm really hungry i snap at the children it's awful so the next day it'd be like ten bacon sandwiches for breakfast. Right. Then it doesn't work if you do it like that.

It says you can do that, but it doesn't work. You have to control yourself on the non-fast days. Right. He's looking svelte, though, Frank. He is, but I'm worried about the ten bacon sandwiches. I think you might be trending in Israel after this. In a bad way. Somewhat letting the side down.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. David Baddiel is with us. You know what I should say while I'm here? I am a very big fan of this show. I listen to it every week with my son as I drive him to his martial arts class in Swiss Cottage.

And sometimes, because you lot sometimes really get onto a thing where you're really going with something, I sit outside Swiss Cottage Leisure Centre, and he's saying, Dad, we have to go to martial arts. And I say, no, hang on this bit. It's getting really good here. Frank's going to do one of those puns that are really worth waiting for. And so I feel that if my son gets into a fight and loses, that'll be your fault.

Oh, no, yeah. Because basically he could be late for his martial arts. He could have been a fifth Dan. I asked him before I came out, I said, what's the bit you remember from listening week in, week out to the Frank Skinner show on Absolute Radio? And he said there was a bit where you, Frank, were going on about hair for some reason,

and Emily said, all right, Nicky Clark. That's the bit that had to remember, yeah. It is funny. Any reference to Nicky Clark? Actually, Dave Sonestra does a very good impression of Matt Berry doing the trailers. He does, yeah, he does. At an absolute rate, he does.

He's very excellent. I brought something else in, which is my mum, talking about my kids, my mum works in a hospice shop in Harrow. And she brings, essentially, some cag. She brought this recently, which is a commemoration play. When I saw it, I thought that would be... I recognise that.

But it is, in fact, a commemoration play for I Love My Country, the show that Frank did with Gabby Logan and Mickey Flagon that hasn't come out yet, which is already in the hospice shop in Harrow. What's it doing? It's not a ringing endorsement when the merch is already in a charity shop. It's not good, is it?

That is an incredibly bad omen. All I love is that my mum brought it round with a real sense of, you'll put this up on the wall. I mean, had it been eBay, but a hospice shop, that's a bad omen. It is really. Oh, dear.

Is this what people get when they come on the show? No. It's not even... No, it's what the audience... There's like... Because the audience are like the teams. Oh, I see. So if you win your team, your audience section,

get one of those plates each. And I always think... I go straight to Harrow with it. I always think, well, you know, for these people, this would be a great gift. Yeah. And they go straight to the hospital with it. I'm sorry about that.

What I like, though, is that we were talking earlier about somebody emailed in about how they drink from a Baddiel and Skinner mug, wasn't it? A fantasy football one or something. Yes. But now it turns out you could... They could eat off this. They could eat my lovely crockery set. You could. We could put together out you could eat off this. You could have the full crockery set. You could.

We could put together a 21-piece t-shirt. Yeah, some unplanned cutlery knocking about somewhere. I like the look of unplanned cutlery. No knives. We were thinking on our feet. Someone texting in, actually, asking for unplanned to come back. Question for David and Frank. Would you please bring back unplanned?

We miss it. we really miss it. Oh, God, they sound a bit mad. About twice missing it is a bit too much. We really miss it. I'd love to do Unplanned again. Unplanned is the show I'd most like to do again. No work. Because it's no work, as he said.

Perfect. I thought he was just saying no work, that's why you want to bring it back. I thought that for a minute, and I nearly killed myself. No, but yes, it was no work, which made it a joy. It was a real laugh as well. And you've got, you've also, I should say, can we just make this clear, that you're doing the Soho Theatre this week

at 7.45 in the evening. Yeah, from Tuesday to Saturday. Second to the 6th of July, and you're doing the Pleasant Islington from the 7th to the 17th of July. No, no, I'm just doing it once on the 7th, and once again on the 17th. Okay, sorry. That's too much work to do it from the 7th to the 17th. No, no, I'm just doing it once on the 7th and once again on the 17th. Okay, sorry.

That's too much work to do it from the 7th. And you're doing Edinburgh, you're doing... And I've been to the Falkirk Comedy Festival, which is called Falkirk is Funny, which, if I was Eric Walker, I'd say, can we say that? But it's called something like that, yeah. Falkirk is Funny.

On the 31st of July. Do we stretch to Falkirk? Oh, we can. I'll see you in London, darling. I think we're probably trending. Falkirk is funny. On the 31st of July. Do we stretch to Falkirk? Oh, we can. Or Canada. I'll see you in London, darling. I think we're probably trending in Falkirk. We're certainly trending in Falkirk if we went there. Well.

Yes, I am doing all those things, so do come and see me, because the show is quite a laugh. No, it is. I've already heat-prone something on this show, and that's when it was still basically in liquid form, in sections. It was a baby.

I'd like you to see it again, because it was work in progress. It's still work in progress, but it's changed a lot. Well, I don't want you to come and see mine. I know, you won't let me see it. I won't let any of my friends see it. Yeah, but you came to mine, so it's not fair. No.

This is awkward. That's correct. You could have done this bit off air. And this is something you can learn. Any children listening, life isn't fair. Absolute, Absolute Radio.. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been talking about hypnosis this morning. Bob, who is the assistant producer on this show, you know Bob.

Bob who never uses soap, shower gel or shampoo. But he looks immaculate. He just rinses, we found out last week. He's very well rinsed. He tells us, SpongeBob I call him. He tells us that Sandy Waugh, our newsreader and travel announcer, is a trained hypnotist. Shut up.

And she's nodding at me. Tandy War Mother-in-law. She's nodding at me from the other room now. That's from one look. Yeah. I'm thinking when I get the John Wayne pocket watch on its Prince Albert chain. Is it Prince Albert the chain?

No, that's something entirely different. No, fair enough. I think I've got mixed up with American politician Dick Cheney. Don't talk about Prince Albert. Sorry. It's coming from Monaco, the John Wayne. Anyway, I'm fascinated.

I can't speak to Sandy because we're mid-show, obviously, but imagine I still don't believe you, to Sandy because we're mid show obviously but imagine I still don't believe you but Sandy Waugh would not lie no we have had various texts in from people that have been hypnotised and including one that confesses they may have wasted our time

a bit but not quite when we were at uni we had an act at our union one night called something like Jeff and the Hypno Dog the dog would hypnotise people in inverted commas i can't remember much more about it if i'm honest i may have wasted your time not quite because i was sandy's qualification sounded really impressive and now they've got dogs doing it exactly and it's not jeff and the hypno dog i actually work with this guy he's called hugh lennon and his amazing hypno dog i mean you've worked with this guy, he's called Hugh Lennon and his amazing hypno-dog. I mean, you've worked with them all, so I'm assuming you've worked with them. I've worked with Hugh Lennon.

And I did a Cambridge ball, and you can imagine the bacchanalia. Oh, a lot of my friends would have been there. The scene, I mean, the drunkenness. Oh, the low-cut gowns. I think I was on at two o'clock in the morning, this is a long time ago now, and Hugh Lennon didn't go on. He turned to the person that had booked us and he said, I can't go on, these people are too drunk.

And it was a bit of, with great power comes great responsibility. I can't hypnotise people in this condition, they might break an ankle or something. What's going to happen is that we're going to get a challenge, aren't we? And someone's going to say, well, we'll hypnotise Frank Skinner and let's see whether he believes in it or not. No, but I believe that if you're

a Roman Catholic, you're not allowed to be hypnotised. Is that right? Just in case it's true. There's always a caveat. Just in case it's true and you might go and do something sinful. Just in case it's true, of course, is our motto in the Roman Catholic Church. We have an email during the week.

Dear Mr Radio, DME and Cockerel, we hope this email makes it to the show, as by the time you read it, we will be sitting down for a bubbly brunch to kick off our little sister Verity's hen party. The theme... Boobly brunch? Indeed. The theme, inspirational women.

And no prizes for guessing who we were all wrestling to pay homage to in our dress. The style con, see what they've done there. Style con that is Emily Dean, of course. It would be an honour if the fair lady herself could wish us a happy hen do. And also if you could tell us which female icon you would represent if you were to attend this auspicious occasion. Finally, it feels only right to attempt a dame's move. So if Emily happens to be in the Woolwich area this evening... Not going to happen.

..and has an anchoring for canapes and champers with the likes of Mother Teresa, Foxy Brown and Mrs Overall, then we would welcome her as our honoured guest. Good bookings. Sounds like one of my parents' dinner parties. Foxy Brown, is that the Hugh Grant person? No, that's Divine Brown. Oh, I was going to say, hardly inspirational.

Well, it depends where you're coming from. Who is Foxy Brown? Can I say, I'm very honoured, ladies. That was a Quentin Tarantino film, his character. I wish them a very happy Hindu. Mahatma Gandhi. What? That's who you've got.

He was a happy Hindu I thought that was your inspirational woman I need to choose, I've got my inspirational woman, if I went to that party I would go as Tracey Emin nice, oh good she's a friend of the show and she had an installation

called Everyone I've Ever Slept With and I respect that I have to say dressing as you I for a henry would be the... I think you did that, and there's 70 people living in it. And I'd get to wear, like, I could just go around with an eye down over me, so I'd be nice and warm. Wouldn't dressing as you be the most expensive fancy dress costume any of these ever had to ascend? Even I couldn't afford that.

To be honest, yeah. Who would you go as, Al? Inspirational women? Yeah. It's got to be Thatcher, hasn't it? No. I don't know. Judy Blume?

Thanks, Manhattan. Judy Blume? I'm thinking Karen Matthews. She inspired me. She inspired me to get a flat on the 11th floor. Oh, my God. And get away from it. Sure, she didn't do it.

It's a happy ending. It's all right if it's a happy ending. Anyway, thank you so much for listening this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio.