The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Day - Z

Episode Date: September 6, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank asks the readers what humans are for? He also tells Emily and Alun about a few domestic problems he's been having. The team discuss the Queen's reaction to the selfie phenomenon, Beyonce's birthday and an embarrassing pizza related complaint. They also take a vote on a new email corner jingle.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran this morning. Morning Peter. Morning Richie. Morning. Morning Jim. Text us on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio.

Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. That old one. Good morning, everyone. We sit amidst rubble at the Absolute Studios in Golden Square. I quite like it. We're amidst refurbishment. But what I want to know is, why have they turned the reception area into a nightclub? I quite like it. We're midst refurbishment. And, yeah. But what I want to know is,

why have they turned the reception area into a nightclub? There's three stools when you walk in at the reception. Oh, that's my rider. I request that now. There are three high stools. It looks like a shoeshine stall. But also, they've put new signs on the doors. Now, I don't want to rain on anyone's parade.

I know there's a lot of money being spent and people are enthusiastic, but men's without an apostrophe. You are joking me. I am not. I mean, come on! I mean, when I'm going for apostrophe, I, you know...

No, but it's just, no no, it's not, doesn't cost if they'd have said to me it's going to be a grand say to put the apostrophes in, I'd have said here would you have paid it? I'd have had it you do carry a grand in cash for apostrophe emergencies don't you?

not if I'm in my gardening suit but generally I'd have said here, go and get the apostrophes done because um it really uh every time means every time i'm going to the toilet now i'm thinking oh on the way in we usually like to come out going ah but now i'm going and going so that's annoying but never mind Not as annoying as people who say, in any way, shape or form. Don't get me wrong.

It's not as annoying as that. I still honestly feel myself slightly write someone off if they say that. Is that right? Oh, you're not as good a person as I thought you were. How do you feel about it is what it is? I think it's the new at the end of the day. Oh, I don't mind that.

Oh, OK. But in any way, shape or form. Come on. Anyway, we can't sit here being like this all day. I had a fabulous conversation on the way in with my driver of the morning. I don't have a driver, but the person who's happened to be driving the cab

is a lady. And you don't get many ladies. Oh, a lady driver. Yeah. You don't a lady. And you don't get many ladies. Oh, a lady driver. Yeah. You don't get many ladies. You don't get many ladies cab drivers, do you? Oh, right, yeah. It's one of those important words

missing off the end of the sentence scenario. Just so you know, it's 1978, Al. Yeah. It is true, isn't it? We can all talk about equality, but you don't get many lady cab drivers. Simple as that. Yeah, I suppose.

But she was a very nice... Well, last time I had one, I had a horrible experience, so... Oh, no. It's probably a good thing. You've both worn the same outfit. No, she was an old cock. What, was pantomime horse? She was a wizened old cockney lady. Oh, yeah. And she turned round to me and said,

Are you having a laugh? I'm not taking you that distance. She might have even said, clear off. Was it Big Mo? Anyway, I'm not taking you that distance. She might have even said clear off. Was it Big Mo? Yeah. Anyway, I'm sure yours was lovely. No, she was very lovely. And she gave me an idea for a texting for our lovely readers.

Oh, yeah. Because she's got a six-year-old, and she said she keeps asking this question, and it's quite a difficult one to answer, and I thought, I'll bet our readers, as soon as she said it, I thought, I'll bet our readers will just rattle off some good replies. She said what she

keeps saying is, Mummy, what are people for? What are people for? And I think that's a good one. So, 8-12-15. Good texting. Yes. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, we've had some answers to your question, what are people for? Thank goodness. Can I say eventually, the child apparently did come up with an answer, but let's hear what our readers think. Okay. 590, people are for taking the mickey out of.

That's Clint from Crawley. Nice. Okay, in that case I thought I'd lived a life of slight cruelty and unkindness, turns out. No, in fact this aligns slightly with Robert in Teddington, who says, to make other people happy. Yeah. I don't know if he quite means that, does he? He doesn't mean by taking the mickey out. By mickey taking.

No. Where does it all end? Is that what you're worried about? I like the idea that people are to make other people happy. The child, the Latvian child, apparently just went away for six weeks on their grandparents' farm and came back and said, Oh, it's all right, Mummy, I've worked it out. People are for working and eating. Yeah.

There's a slightly more... It's very Latvian. Latvian philosophy at its finest. There's this boy called Jack. All work and no play. Well, 2-4-0, again, a little bit existential. People are food for the animals. We just adapted to find better hiding places. Or are we in the Matrix?

Well, what about the stick insect? Surely they are the best hiders of them all. Or the chameleon. Oh, yeah. In fact, all animals, if you go to the zoo, I find their hiding skills are absolutely fantastic. Oh, don't get me started on the bears. Yeah.

They either don't come out at all or they're in those i always think there's probably in one you know those empty cages you look at i think i bet there's one we think this is empty and think why they got an empty one i bet there's one in here i find the empty cage is very depressing i don't think they're empty i think it's very very big stick insects because there's always a log in there. That's right. Yeah. They don't log in, some of them, that's the problem. 861, people are for three score years and 20, not just for Christmas. That's good.

Yeah. I like that. See? I knew. I knew we'd get some good sense. Yeah. We've also had, hey, Frank, if you have any spare apostrophes, apostrophises, can you please give one to Barron's Court in West London?

Every time I go through it on the tube, I feel that they were hard done by. That's from Geoff. Well, I wonder if that is Barron's Court. Maybe there was someone called Barron's. See, I once went to a restaurant called Jonathan's, and I said to the guy... That sounds nice. I said, where's the apostrophe on Jonathan's, and I said to the guy... That sounds nice. I said, where's the apostrophe on Jonathan's? He said, a lot of people ask us that.

I said, well, that's because it's grammatically incorrect. He said, it isn't, actually. He said it was started by two men called Jonathan. The Jonathans, if you like. Oh. I bet you felt rather stupid. Oh, I did. I bought drinks for everyone in the house for the whole night.

Don't believe this bit of the story. No, I made that up. The rest of it is completely true. Bought drinks for everyone. Isn't that what people do? Have you met yourself? Hey, everyone, shots are on me. What?

Yes, I've never done that. Have you ever done that? No, obviously you haven't done it, Alan. I have. I have if a... Pot kettle. I've done it. I have. I've done it if a sponsor's paying for the evening. Alan Carter wouldn't do that if it was in a smart car.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hey. That was what that was. Come on, wake up, everyone. So I had a domestic incident this week. Oh, no. Bit of, uh, bit of violence in the home.

Oh. I'll tell you what it was. We got a pedal bin. Oh. I have a real problem with pedal bins. I'm familiar with its work in your home. I'll tell you what it is. It's that you put your foot on it and you squeeze a bit, you squeeze a bit more. What I'm waiting for is it to just gradually open.

And then I just put the, nothing. You press, you press, still nothing. Is it going to open? There's a pedal, bro. So you press right there. And then suddenly, bang, it's hit the wall. It's, still nothing. Is it going to open? There's a pedal, bro. So you press right there, like, down! And then suddenly, bang, it's hit the wall. It's all or nothing. It's only trouble. I can't live, I can't live like that in the house. There's no ramp to a pedal bin.

No, but they're supposed to be, that's what the pedal's for. Oh, I can't do that. I mean, no, but honestly, it really upset me. It's got a real sort of... Can't you, um, can't you affix some fabric to it, like a muffler or something, so that it does hit the wall, but it's somewhat dampened, so you can really go at it with a bit of abandon? I pulled it away from the wall, but it makes a terrible noise, just hitting its own bearings.

Oh, does it? Why do I have to have that... Sounds like you need a spray of WD-40 or something. No, I just think that's how they make them. I've never seen one with a beautiful arcing open. A nice action. Can I be honest? About my feelings on bins.

Go on. I mean, I've always felt they're slightly barbaric. Bins? Just having a temple to sort of decay in the house, I think it's hideous. Yeah, that's my job. Yeah. So, consequently, I'm in bin denial.

I don't have a bin. I have a bucket with a black bin liner over it. And it's a convertible bin. It's exposed to the elements. Well, we've got a... Bucket with a black bin liner over it. And people say, where's your bin? And I say, oh, I get very embarrassed.

I say, oh, I'll take that. Aren't you meant to say, I've been to London to see the Queen? Isn't that what it... Oh, I see. We've got a bin in every room, two in some. No. We have bin laden. Very good.

In our house. No, we have. Have you genuinely got two bins in the same room? In some rooms. How big are the rooms in your house? Like football pitches or something. Well, I mean, if it's an en-suit bathroom, there's one in the room and then one in the bathroom.

All right, Premier League footballer. If there's an en-suit in the barn. I'm just talking about my crib. He's got a massive eight-foot picture of himself as well. Can I talk about my crib? But it's, oh. No, I like it. The thing is, you don't want an open top bin

because, you know, you're putting stuff in that decays, as you say. True that. But I can't, honestly, I can't live like that anymore. I'm not going to have another. What can we do? Can't we get shoots? Yeah, well, see, in the flat I've got in Birmingham, there is a chute just outside.

So you just go out and put it down. You hear it go... But even then, you still build it up in the kitchen, presumably. You don't just put all your waste straight down the chute. Yeah, and it's outside. You can't, like, throw stuff in. That's what I like to do, is throw stuff in from the other side of the room.

Yeah. That's important. Oh, and I have to get a dog again. Yeah. That was a great thing. A bit of bacon, just never even touch the ground. Oh, and I have to get a dog again. Yeah. That was a great thing, a bit of bacon, just never even touch the ground. Yeah, just fling it. Just pluck it out of the air.

Joy. I reckon I could not beat, but I reckon I could not disgrace myself playing Andy Murray with a pedal bin. If I just, if I drop the, I'd win all my service games just by dropping the ball Moray with a pedal bin. If I just if I drop the... I'd win all my service games just by dropping the ball down and hitting the lead

and hitting it across like that. You should practice so much. I'll be on to that for sport relief this year and see if I can... Look into that, yeah. If I can make a difference for somebody with that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. You know, when I was a young kid, there was no such thing as a bin liner.

You just put rubbish in the bin. That's right, yeah. The level of the bin, the bin's got smaller and smaller. That's rubbish at the bottom basically became part of the bin. It's great. Oh, I hate the juices. I can't bear those juices that gather. Well, in the kitchen that I had in the flat I was staying in in Edinburgh,

there was a bin that was too big, and it's just, you know, it's going to keep all that stuff in it, in a black bin bag, and eventually it does start to rot, and I could smell it. Yeah. I don't want to get the lid on and off sharpish. Well. It's part of the fun of- It was a bin similar to the one that's

just behind you actually where- R2D2 bin we call it. Yes. With a push thing. But that had broken. So there was a- Oh. Do you know what I did? Oh, wow. Actually it was what my wife did when she visited. She got a bit of a cardboard box and created a makeshift lid. So we just took the top off entirely, and we had like a cardboard, almost like a tray, above the top of the bin.

Do you see what I'm saying? You're looking at me like I've started speaking to you in Swahili. No, I was thinking through my head, I could hear, pick up the pieces and make them into something new. That's what we do. Yeah, she's very arts and crafts what can i say no i like that are you guys still talking about bins yeah okay i had another domestic uh nightmare another nightmare what happened i got burnt i burnt properly burnt my one of your own sweets

broke down no i was um i uh I got burnt whilst using an oven glove. Oh! I had the oven glove, it was fitted properly. No, I've had that. Yeah, it's amazing that that can happen. Can I say, like, it was fitted properly, like it was a kitchen. In case anyone's thinking, oh, I suppose he just picked, he didn't even put it on, he just picked it up and used the sort of slightly less thick bit at the back.

No, I was fully enclosed. Were you fully inserted? Fully inserted, and I picked it up and used the sort of slightly less thick bit at the back. No, I was fully enclosed. Were you fully inserted? Fully inserted, and I picked it up, and it properly burnt me. And I thought, you know, once you lose faith in an oven glove... Yeah, that's disgusting. You lose faith in everything. Yes. I had to go and see my priest.

We spoke for four hours. Is that right? It's true, though. You have to trust an oven glove. I've never even questioned it. And also, it has one job. It does. May I ask what the oven glove is like?

Have you gone for a slight, maybe a Pac-Man motif, a slight novelty one from the catalogue? Oh, you're thinking he's bought a cheap oven glove? He's gone cheap. He's bought a cheap oven glove and got his fingers burnt? Is that what you're saying? Oh, that is... There must be a jingle that that would suit.

Let me see what we've got. That is fabulous. I noticed he's avoided the question. Did you go cheap? No, well, I'll tell you something you won't guess, because it's actually... It's made to measure. No.

You have tailor-made oven gloves to measure. No. What? You have tailor-made oven gloves? Yeah. Wow. Is that Stephen Fry? Let me tell you. It's from Will, isn't it? Well.

It's going to Stephen Fry's tailor. Surely, Stephen Roast. But I tell you what happened is a charity wrote to me and said, we're doing a thing designed for oven gloves. It's a sort of, you know, you know, charities always have ideas to involve celebrities. So I drew an idea for an oven glove. And what I did was,

do you remember the old red boxing gloves like you see Muhammad Ali wear with the Everlast top on it? Yeah. So I put, I did one like that red. Instead of Everlast, but written in a similar font, and the way it goes thin in the middle, it said Frank, so I could have a personalised one. So I sent that off.

But Kath had seen it and said, oh, that's a really clever idea. And Kath basically made one for my birthday. Oh. So it looks like a box a what did she use felt she just she used the red oven glove and she customized it okay so it looks like a boxing glove but instead of the everlasting it says frank's i'm quite so i'm allowed to get to let go of it but um it's turned on me for the last time it's not doing doing the job. No, it was really... Oh, I felt so let down. I mean, I would put it in the bin if I wasn't too frightened.

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, Frank, you know what we need to talk about this morning? You know, I love a bit of Queen news. Mm. It's always my favourite, and I like a selfie. And this is a selfie-slash-Queen-based story. Which is, it turns out she's not such a fan of the selfie, the Queen.

She's just not that into them. No. No. She's not into phones, isn't that the thing? Yeah. Didn't she say to an American man? I never, I don't see my subject. Well, you say an American man, I call him the US ambassador. Okay, well I bet he's American. Yeah. He's described in the newspaper as a diplomat, but given

that the, uh, whole story is him saying things that the Queen told him, apparently in confidence, doesn't seem that good a diplomat, does it? No, not very diplomatic, at all. He's a diplomat does he they're not very diplomatic it's a diplomat in the sense that i am yeah i could i see her point though yeah she said she must just see the backs of cameras now that's her life apparently a royal source said she finds it not a little disconcerting which i think is posh but very common that is such a posh way of phrasing it as well not a little bit i used to have material about posh people being very negative and them saying let's see if we can't get a coffee and me saying let's see

if we can surely, but that's it, she's so posh that even a word disconcerting isn't negative enough that it's not a little disconcerting I bet it was horse radish What was? The royal sauce Yeah, I sympathise with her to some extent but it was horseradish. What was? The royal sauce. Yeah, I sympathise with her to some extent.

She said wherever she goes, when she shakes hands with someone, they're sort of filming themselves speaking to her and stuff. I think it's to do with there's a general mistrust in society. In the old days, that would have been an anecdote. I met the Queen and blah, blah people they want proof yeah people have called you on it you never met that's what because people say to me can i have your photo my dad will never believe that what do you mean your own father doesn't believe a simple thing like i met frank skinner and why would you make that up but but they have to have the photo to prove it.

Yeah. Well, that's what they say, isn't it, Frank? Photo or it didn't happen. The youth. Is that what they say? Yeah. Photo or it didn't happen. Have they got an acronym?

If you've been out somewhere, I don't know. I'm not quite young. Don't ever do that on live radio in case you spell something rude. It's called the acronym rule. Right. If you go anywhere or you do anything, that's what people say to you. Photo or it didn't happen. I've never heard that before.

You know the other thing? How sad it is. I love that song. That's it. I think that mistrust, okay, the day when trust died in this country was the first time on Countdown when two people came up with the same word and you have to show the other person on the bit of paper that you've come up with the same word

or that you've done the same maths thing. Did you really think that was a game? Yeah. Trust died in this country. No, no, no, Trust died. I dropped Trust died. Because I think you just think, mate, it's all right, mate.

No, no, I believe you. Wouldn't it be lovely if somebody did that on Countdown? No, no, I don't want to see it. I trust you. But now they have a bit of a look. Yeah. They actually have a bit of a look. Yeah. They actually have a bit of a look to see if they're in the same way. They do.

I mean, God, is that what we've become? Honestly. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We're talking about the youth of today on Absolute Radio. Well, I don't think we're... And there are a lot of people who trust the experience. No, I'm talking about society in general. Society in general. I don't think the Queen class... But I think people on Countdown, they're not often the youth of today.

Very much not. I'm talking about traditional Countdown, not before it ran away to join the circus late night. Yeah. But I'll cross on about when people say, well, I've got the answer to the song, but I haven't written it down. That's right, yeah.

Now, that's where my mistrust kicks in, because that gives you a bit of extra time to think about it. And sometimes I'll say, yeah, you take the seven, oh, no, I've got that wrong, and they're just working it out on their feet. Get out. Well, we've had an email in from Chris, who wants to talk about this very topic.

He says, when I saw David Byrne play at the Barbican a couple of years ago, what happened is that after a couple of songs, he said, you can film the concert if you like, but I think you'll find that your friends and family will be less interested than you think. I love him. It's an odd idea. instead of enjoying the moment you have to watch it later on it's a bit it's like these sex tapes we never did that it's not like these sex tapes at all someone filming a gig well you know i mean we used to

enjoy the moment you know we didn't we carried the memory in our hearts, but we didn't feel that we needed to film anything. No. In your hearts. Yeah, I carried the memory in my heart. Also, surely the filming somewhat negates the exaggeration on retelling, doesn't it? Well, exactly. What they've done, they've killed the anecdote.

Yeah. Yeah. What they should have said is, no anecdote didn't happen. Video killed the anecdote. Yeah, it's like the stupid virals. Virals on the internet, virals, they're for the illiterate people. Yeah. Frank hates virals. I do because you'd say, oh God, I saw this thing, this bloke fell off a cliff and he went through someone's roof and landed in their pedal bin. Mm-hmm. But they say, instead of that, which is like an interesting story, when you're told it

a few more times, you'd embrace it, you'd add jokes and you'd become richer generally. Mm-hmm. But now you say, look at that. That's it. Okay, that's it. That's the end of that. And the other person goes, ruffle. Yeah.

Ruffle. What's that mean? Roll on floor laughing. Oh. Come on. I didn't know that. It says in this article. He doesn't even know ruffle yeah ruffle what's that mean roll on floor laughing oh come on i didn't know it says in this article he doesn't know rufflecopter it says in the article that the queen is actually no luddite apparently um she's not luddite apparently her and the duke of edinburgh are said to be surprisingly computer literate that was my favorite bit of the whole article surprisingly computer literate now i just i'm there then yeah i like the idea of the whole article. Surprisingly computer literate.

No ageism there then. Yeah, I like the idea of the Queen going, darling, I'm doing a vine, stay there. Don't get me wrong, I mean, you know, I can see the temptation. I carry a picture of the Queen in my wallet at all times. Loads of them, yeah. Yeah, loads.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Sorry, I did a slight anagram. You can text us on 8.12.15, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Absolute Radio Absolute Radio New jingles. Yeah, I haven't got there yet. This is work in progress.

While you were firing out the ways of contacting us it did occur to me that it's gone quite cool on the, um, what are people for texting. Oh, yeah, I really thought that'd be a whiz-banger. Yeah, we do. Whatever that is. Yeah. And we've been talking about...

We haven't tried to answer it ourselves, what are people for? No. Well, that's not for us to do, is it? I think they're for hiding behind when you walk past people begging in the street. Do you ever do that to the human shield? If I think I'll get on the shoulder of this person, they won't see me. I know it's wrong.

I'm not saying it's right. It's wrong. No, I just observed... I just used the Edinburgh Festival strategy. Just laminate at all times round your neck. That won't... No, it will, because people think you're busy and important and they won't talk to you. Oh, OK. Well, you can go on the imaginary phone.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I can't bring myself to do that, but the human shield I'm fine with. So, we're talking about the Queen on Absolute Radio this morning. Queen doesn't like selfies. She's got, um, selfie loathing. I like selfies. Well, she doesn't like having, yeah, she doesn't like the phenomenon of being,

of filming and anything like that. I can understand that. The constant presence of the phone camera. I can understand that, but the selfie itself I find a blessed relief from. Because what it used to be, someone would say, can I have a photo? And you'd say, yes, certainly. And then you'd say, excuse me, can you take this photo? And someone would go, uh, yeah.

And then you'd stand with them for like four minutes with your arm around them. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. It's not working. Come here. No, no, you have to press. I'm pressing that one. No, I'm pressing that one. Let's have a look. No, no, you're not pressing. No, I was pressing that. No, I don't think you were. No, you videoed it. Okay, I'll have another go.

No, I'm still not working. And then you're like, I mean, I once had my painting done in oils. It took slightly less long than some of the photos. With selfies, at least you're using your own equipment, you know what you're doing. Oh, yeah. But I'm wondering if evolution-wise, the youth will end up with one arm longer than the other,

so it'll develop. Yeah. Well, you know, that's what my osteopath calls PATE, Physical Adaptation to Environment. so if they do stick out their arm constantly, it will happen like apparently there's a generation with stronger thumbs isn't there, because of texting Coming up, book at bedtime

Because of hitchhiking Different generation That started the thumb thing What about this woman What woman? I'll tell you, calm down as well different generation that started the thumb what about this woman have you um what woman you have a long-term partner and a child now calm down i was thinking more that's who's turned up in the studio could be dangerous no but you were talking about selfies this woman

have you heard about this aust woman, Jane de Toliga? Yeah. Apparently she's a stylist. She's Australian. In Australia? I know. What does she do? On the cork strings before they go on the catwalk. Okay. She's given some advice about how to pose for selfies. Oh.

Her first piece of advice is look straight down the lens and smile, smile, smile. That's a good, that's good advice. Yeah. If you want to look a bit slightly... I'll remember that, because I usually look off, look off camera. Oh, do you?

You do that moody thing. I just sort of pap, selfie, like I didn't know. She also... Like I've been caught on the waist. She has another tip, frankly. Okay. Which is, turn away from the camera

and then turn around again, smiling. You know, like in Dynasty or Dallas, those opening credits? Yeah, but that's because they are moving pictures. Yeah. That's why that works. Yeah. But you'll still have the sense of looking engaged is the idea. Oh, I see.

So the moment you return back to the camera, you're full of energy. I say, I can see that. All right, you ready, you're full of energy, I say. I can see that. All right, you ready, this? Look at me, Emily. Look. Creepy. It's just creepy.

It just makes me look creepy. I just think in Australia, you wouldn't want to look away for that long. I mean, let's not forget a ding-a-tuk-ma-baby. I mean, you've got to have your right wits about you at all times. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin times. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had a tweet from Lee Wood. Do you know Lee Wood? No, but thanks for the tip. OK. Wouldn't a selfie with the Queen be better described as a onesie? That is top notch. Great gag. Don't you love that, Al?

Really great. I'll tell you what. He's on form today. Speaking of on form, there's also been a bit of trouble at the palace. A bit of trouble? Are you having a bit of trouble? That's nearly as good as my Adrian Charles impression. We'll come back to that later. Go on, as you were.

You know the chaps that stand outside the Grenadier Guards? Are they known as beefeaters? Stand outside here. Stand outside the palace. Oh, yeah. The Buckingham Palace. Oh, the ones with the bearskins and the red Michael Jackson coats? Yes. You know when Paddington goes to the palace. Oh, yeah. The Buckingham Palace. Oh, the ones with the bearskins and the red Michael Jackson coats? Yes.

Yeah, like in that... You know when Paddington goes to the palace? No, I'm not familiar with that. Oh. Yeah. Well, one of them started what I would call acting up. He was clowning about when he was doing his walking up and down. I think this went viral, didn't it?

Didn't it go viral? Because someone saw it and thought i better film this or no one will believe it yeah if it did go viral i'm surprised because his clowning about was not funny it was just like a bloke that wasn't that really very good at the walking it was i thought it was labyrinthitis it looked like to me spinning He was spinning like a top at one point. He did a comedy walk, didn't he? Well, comedy in inverted commas. He pirouetted. He did some pirouetting. We should have that.

It should be something that isn't really funny. It should be called comma-dy. Yeah, that's good. Oh, that's good. Hang on, let's try that now. I think it is a bit of work. Can I tell you what I didn't like about this character? Yeah.

Pretty much everything. He's a bit of work. Can I tell you what I didn't like about this character? Yeah. Pretty much everything. I love your use of character. He seems the type of bloke, I can see him talking to his friends about it in the pub, saying, you'll never guess what I did today. Oh, you'd have been in stitches, mate. He looks like he might say, not three bad. Oh, do you think he says, in any way, shape or form? Oh, absolutely. Can I just say, when you just said, not three bad, I know you do you think he says um in any way shape or form oh absolutely

more can i just say when you just said not three bad i know you were doing it disparagingly but there's a bit of my brain gone oh i do like that i'm going to start doing that but it said something like the lead the major sanso sanso of the horse guard cavalry brigade said um it's supposed to be guarding the royal family not not indulging in horse play. And I thought, this bloke is so horse centric. He has to get horse-based words into all of it. You know, his

main job, etc. He was a naysayer. Enough. Stop it. Stop it, Alan. Stop thinking what he was. Very good. Enough. Stop it. Stop it, Alan. Stop thinking about it. I'm stopping. I can hear you thinking about it. I'm stopping.

No, but my general... If I could give a little piece of... My generation? I thought you were going to sing that. That's quite... I don't want to talk about my generation. Doon, doon, doon, doon. If I could give this character a little bit of advice,

leave comedy to the professionals, love. But you're saying that, but I do quite a bit of part-time guarding. Oh yeah, how's that going? I'm not prepared to give that up. I like the uniform, you see. It did make me laugh. You can read a book, you know. Apparently when the Queen is in residence, they have four guards

outside, and when she's away Fire guards? Four guards. Okay. And when she's away at one of her castles or somewhere else They have two Now that can't be the only security change that they make When she's back Surely just two extra guys standing outside and doing the silly walk

Surely they must have some other But it is a place where people appear in the garden and stuff Remember that bloke who was in the Queen's bedroom Yes Said she wore a baby doll nightie. Did he? Yeah, that's what he said, yeah. What about when I went in a gargoyle buggy around there?

She was lucky he didn't have a mobile phone. The gargoyle... You see, I believe him. I believe him about the baby doll nightie. I don't need a photograph. No? I want to believe it. Yeah, I want to see the photograph.

Good heavens, I want to believe it. Don't worry about that. Yeah, I imagine they're always in a chemise. That's what I always thought. I mean, or Yeah, I imagine they're always in a chemise. That's what I always thought. I mean, or a teddy. Stop imagining the Queen in a chemise. What about in a teddy?

Do you know what a teddy is, Alan? No, I didn't think you did. It's a sort of button-unders. Oh, I know. Play them, don't you? Don't pull the face like that. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got a tweet, Frank. A tweet? Yeah, from one of my regulars, Nugget. Ah, yes. Morning, Nugget. He says...

Morning, Frank. Morning, Peter. He says, do you have a new email corner jingle featuring... And he says, at Divine Miss M, which is my Twitter handle. OK. Well, it just so happens, if you remember, some of our regular readers will know that a couple of weeks ago we were talking about this very thing,

that maybe it was time that we needed... Some of you will remember that our email corner jingle for some time had a sort of Asian subcontinent feel to it and it was sent in by one of our readers. It was a bit George Harrison, wasn't it? Yeah, but it's... Play it maybe for the last time. OK.

So let's just enjoy this. E-mail corners It's the tabla that I love. I love the satan, but the tabla going in the back. It's absolutely marvellous. Anyway, but you know, every dog has its day. Thanks. And did you know that Darren Day had been ripped apart by a devil dog this morning?

Maybe I should have let Sandy Warren answer it on the news. It's just come through and I like to keep you people in thought. Oh, I've just scratched the top of an insect bite. That'll probably go septic. Anyway, you heard it here first. Both those stories. So we've got Emily to do Email Corner a cappella. Oh, I haven't heard this.

A cappella, you may remember, is the bloke with the beard who played clarinet. Yeah. A stranger on the shore. So we've got two versions and we're going to challenge. So it's a head-to-head, as they call it. It would be until I scratch my head off. This might be the most

dramatic this show's ever been. Let's have a listen. Oh, I don't know. Okay, so this is Email Corner by Matthew Mays. That is brilliant. I sound so unlike myself. You sound like trying to get out of a well. Yeah.

I quite like it. What do you boys think? Well, let's hear the other first. Oh, OK, OK. Oh, OK. This is Email Corner by Toby Riding. Oh, I gave it some welly at the end there. I like that that one's got sort of slight piano house vibe going on.

Is that what that is? I think so, yeah. We're going to have to get... Well, what do we think? Sort of... The first one reminded me of trips to Tandy. To me, it sounded kind of acid reflux. Acid reflux? You know that branch of house?

I'm really happy with them, I have to say. Yeah, but which... Don't we have to... I mean, but which, don't we have to, I mean, we can intertwine. Some week we can have one and some week another. I'd vote B, personally, if it was up to me, yeah. What, Toby riding? Yeah.

Okay. I'm feeling more B. Oh, you're feeling more B? Oh, it doesn't matter what I say. What, are we having votes? And ours are worth one of yours as well. Interesting. Well, okay, well, it looks like we're going with Toby Riding. So, Matthew, thanks for joining in, but, you know, we can't all be winners.

But just as a thank you, let's see a Matthews just one more time. Woo! See, I'm thinking after you two made the right decision I did this pretty quick. I'll tell you what's the trouble is that it's a grower.

It really is, Frank. You get these songs that you hear first time and think that's great and then you're not interested a couple of weeks later and then you get the ones that's a bit of a and think that's great and then you're not interested a couple of weeks later and then you get the ones where that's a bit of a...

and then two weeks later... three weeks... and then you love it. Anyway, you've made your own mind up. You don't have to lie in it. Can one lie in one's own mind? Oh, God, yeah. Well, they do on Crown Down, apparently.

That's why they have to be watched. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what, let's go to email corner. Can I ask you something? Ask me anything.

Okay, do you think there's a chance... I think I sound quite good on that. No, honestly, I think someone might... I think you've been auto-tuned. No, I know, but everyone gets auto-tuned now. I might get a single off the back of that. I think that's possible, yeah. Like a Christmas single. You do sound, or I could imagine you in a sort of, say if I was in Ibiza for the summer, I could imagine you in that, in a club. And I scrub up, okay, I can put a frock on. If my ears weren't full of foam, obviously.

Yeah, I don't see it. You do like a foam party, don't you, when you're in Ibiza? What I find is I don't need to have a shower. Yeah. Just go straight to a foam party. I know if Frank did go to a foam party, he'd just roll his trousers up. That'd be his one concession to being at the foam party.

I'd take the advantage of a rare opportunity to go to the phone party. I take the advantage of a rare opportunity to go to the toilet in public. Not that rare if the texters are to believe. You say rare. Who'd know? No, I mean sitting down, go. Who'd know under the phone? Anyway, we're in email

We are in email, I should just say Chris Evans has texted us. What? Saying, are you having a good time? Isn't that what he says, isn't it? No, he sent us an ickle email, and he says, morning all, as the readers, don't we get a say too, as I preferred A.

He's talking about my jingle. He listens to me. Ian preferred A and we preferred B. I know, I accept that. Fine. I mean, we could rotate it if you really insist. No, I'm not insisting. I've got more than enough jingles to go around for everyone. We could have had a coalition

but, I mean, the press isn't very strong. No. No. Anyway, we're in email corner. Shall I read you an email? I thought they were both good, can I say that? What about the time they took just for us, for no payment? Good point. Lovely.

Did you have to highlight for no payment? In a rather depressing way. Most people now, the people that sent them in now are thinking, hang on a second, that should have been voiced as well. You could have tried. Good luck with that. Here's the email. I'm in the process...

Well, here's an email. I'm in the process of writing my wedding invitations and I'm considering setting 4.11pm as the guest arrival time. 4.11? Yes, this is based on you getting fed up of the oppressive twelfths, isn't it? Yes, this is. I don't think it should be five past ten past... I just...

Pick your own number. I got up this morning... Actually, my alarm went off at 6.09. I did something I never, ever, ever do. I went back to sleep. No. And, yeah, I went back to sleep. I didn't...

I'll be honest with you, I didn't shower this morning. Did you not? See, I set mine for 5.59 and did shower. See, I normally, well, I always shower, but I find myself that I smell of yesterday. But a lot of people say that about my material. So, I'm considering setting 4.11pm as the guest arrival time, continuing our little bespoke slash unusual time theme,

how do you think this will be received? I booked our entertainment a while ago for 6.43pm, 8.02pm, etc, and it confused a lot of people. Praise, etc, prisoner number 650. I love it. Shouldn't it have been prisoner number 649? Yeah. I think people are going to think...

What time was he set it for? 4.11 is the guest arrival time. I think people will think, oh, great, I thought we were going to have to get there for four. That's brilliant. In other way, 1999 doesn't sound like 20 quid. Yes.

I think people appreciate it. And also, it'll be a talking point, and that's what you want in the sort of... It'll be a talking point. It definitely will. Really? At a wedding. There's none of those.

I know they say it's her day, but not on this occasion. I've always thought that what I'd like to do on a wedding cake is on a lower tier, get a little model of one of my exes. Oh, that's a good idea. Maybe a few of them, as if they're sitting around talking in an ante room. And have them on it with me and whoever the wife was on the top.

Oh, I like whoever the wife was. I've always tied with the idea as well. It's whoever the wife was. Is that one of Ian Botham's autobiographies? I've also thought of having a wedding cake with a mysterious third figure on the top tier. What sort of thing, Mark Burdman? Seven Seals?

No, something like, say, a little character in one of those anti-contamination suits or something. Hovering behind the couple. Nice. Just to give you a bit... As I say, at wedding, you need someone to talk about. That's what it's all about. I can't...

Oh, yes, I understand now. Sorry, I got confused. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This chap that has sent in his wedding invitations possibly being 4.11pm, etc. I think he should go even further and instead of paying like £300 for a cabaret singer,

pay them £303.47. Yeah. You know, and instead of having them do... Can you believe that Alan actually went up? I rounded it up. Yeah, yeah. It's not my money, is it?

No, you're right. Setting a precedent in his life. Instead of having them do an hour, do 73 minutes set. I mean, I would be... I don't normally do weddings, but I'd be prepared to do 7 minutes and 33 seconds for £11,432. Okay, well, there's your rates.

Plus VAT. Now we know. I don't know what that would... Now we know. I just feel celebrated by all this. It's good, isn't it? Looking forward to the 1001 news. Would you like to hear the next email?

Yes! So, this email is from Sam, long-time reader, first-time writer. He begins... Well, goodbye, Sam. Hello, Samantha. Goodbye, Joe. Hello, Joanne. I thought you knew something about him that we didn't.

No. Goodbye, Sam. Hang on. Is that the content of the email? Hi, all. you knew something about him that we didn't then hang on hi all after hearing frank bemoan the use of additional o's when repeating a sentence to someone i should explain this any new readers i find that people say um so uh she said to me oh well i thought you blah blah blah and they didn't say oh people do it as a sort of a someone is about to speak in my anecdote yeah story um so carry on yeah it brought my attention to the fact that one of my

most loved bands are also guilty of doing this okay in the super fairy animal song the very best of neil diamond now he calls him gruff Rees. Is that pronounced Griff or Gruff? I don't know. I'm not familiar with super-larry animals. I don't know. Anyway, Gruff Rees... SFA is very well. ...sings about how a cassette plays Oh, Sweet Caroline. Despite there being no O in the original song by Neil himself,

can the show think of any other misuses of an O? That's very funny. I saw Neil Diamond once in make-up at the Des O'Connor show. I bet that took a while. And he said, oh, sweet! No, I did actually. I saw him. He was having his hair constructed.

Let's put it that way. Was he? He was. I too well can I think of a... about, um, on, I believe on, in Twitter, text talk type thing, O-H. Uh-huh. Means other half. Oh, does it?

My O-H. Oh, hang on. That would have to be capitalised, wouldn't it? Otherwise it's just going to look like O. Yeah, my O. Me and my O. It's never going to take, It's never going to take off. Also, make sure you get the letters the right way around.

You don't want to say me and my ho going out. I mean, you really don't. Oh, that's why my Twitter career went wrong. Oh, God, now it's all queer. And apparently, it can also... You've got to be careful. It can also mean... I'm just delaying it,

because I want to go into the news at about ten o'clock. I know you do. I know exactly what you're up to, my friend. It can mean overheard as well. Oh. O-H. Oh. Which is, I mean, on text...

Can you stop saying O, Alan? Oh. I was just going to go. What about if our readers sent in their best overheard things? Oh. Mine was in Waterstones, and I heard an old lady say to her, like her granddaughter,

she said, oh, look at all the books in here. And then she said, it's like a library. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan... I nearly said Helen Cochran. Every time.

It sounds so hot, Helen Cochran. Every time you've got something wrong with my name. It's that Freudian thing. Is it? Yeah. Ellen Cochran. I've got a friend who's a very big Freudian. He reckons it is impossible any verbal slip means something.

There is no accidental ones. That sounds fun. Alan Cochran. Hell on Cochran. 8, 12, 15. You can text us on. You can follow the show. This is awful.

Very professional. This is your worst three minutes ever. Follow the show on... No, it really isn't. That was that barmaid from W Ever. No, it really isn't. That was that barmaid from Wigan. Anyway, follow the show. She might be listening.

I should imagine she's dead by now. Follow the show on Twitter. Frank on the radio. Absolutely disgraceful. I hope she is. I buried her. You can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There you go. One of the best links in the history of radio.

That should be at how not to at the broadcasting... That's the edit for the next awards submission there. There you go, all done. We've had a text. I just overheard someone on the train to Newcastle, brackets, first class, close brackets, say, it's not at all like the Concorde, is it? I went over to introduce myself to Emily Dean,

but then I realised she's in the studio in London. Oh. She's never been on Concorde, have you? No. But Frank has. He's worked with them all, even Concorde. Yeah, I've worked with them all. I've worked with them all.

Concorde. Oh, man. Oh, I'll tell you what we haven't talked about this morning. I was on there with... Oh, here we go. The Concorde. Sorry to interrupt your celebrity anecdote. Yeah. Come on, who was on there? Listen to Radio 4

Flights I Have Taken. I was on there with Raquel Welsh. You've just made that up. No, honestly. It was boom and bust. Sonic boom. Very good. I think that needs a tragic level of excitement on his face. That needs something, doesn't it?

Maybe not a... This will do it. I might start using this for live shows as a sort of punchline enhancer. People think, well, at least... It's not that funny, but it's better than queuing for vegetables. Use that on the poster.

Nice. I was talking before you interrupted me. Sorry. Oh, yeah, what we haven't talked about. Well, it was Beyonce's birthday this week. Oh, my God. She was 33. The card didn't go round, and they missed me out.

I need to get a new page in my file of facts. She was 33 years old. I look forward to that. And also, I didn't get a new page in my file of facts. She was 33 years old. I look forward to that. Yeah. And also, I didn't get an alert on my scion. No.

What about Jay-Z's present? I thought it was awful. What was it? That video thing? It was a compilation of some of her best bits. That was not a present. Her best bits.

Do you know, that is the showbiz equivalent of running down to the chemist to get Lily of the Valley hand cream. Isn't it, though? It really is.

I would be disgusted if someone... Garage flowers, that's what that is. I bought someone some garage flowers as a last minute thing. And when I got them into the light, because obviously you buy them in darkness, more or less. When I got them into the light, it was because it was light enough. I had to play through the hatch. I didn't want to go into the shop. And when I got them in,

they were filthy. They were full of... You know, because cars had car exhaust. They were absolutely like dirtiest flowers I've ever seen. Give them a rinse. As a general pointer, chaps, anything that has to be paid for via a hat

is not acceptable as a birthday present. OK. It's a good rule to live by. Yeah. So that 99, I bought an all-sitting dresser. We'll have to play some music when we come back to these guys. Absolute. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Meanwhile, over at Jay-Z's gaff, he's just gone and bought Beyonce a rather, I'll just, I'll call it, I'll go with it, a rather horrible birthday present. That must have been other, I mean, I would like

it if somebody did a video compilation, but it wouldn't feel like a very personal... I prefer diamonds. She's got those, hasn't she? Surely she's got those. Yeah, that's it. It's one of those, what do you buy the woman who's got everything? Well...

His only involvement in the entire thing is at the end of it. He says, yeah, B. Oh, that's him shouting that, is it? Who did you think it was? Arthur Mollard? I don't know. I didn't know it was him. It could have been anyone, couldn't it? Is she commonly

called B? Is that B for Beyonce? No. Do you think that's what it is, though? I think it means B for... Even then, it's a special day. Of course it's B for Beyonce, isn't it? If it's a special day, it could take the time to give her a full name rather than go for

the time-saving look. I'm really rushed, love. No, I think it's that water. Yo, B. It was B. It was a B day. What about, what about? It's in a B day. That's the biggest one I've ever seen. I thought, I didn't even think, this is how out, because I don't really know these people.

These people? I couldn't name. Beyonce and Jay-Z, these people. These people? I couldn't name it. Beyonce and Jay-Z, these people. I know they're like amongst the biggest selling recording artists, but even once I hear

someone called a recording artist, I know I won't like them. Oh, really? Because the people I like are not called recording artists. They just don't.

The people you like aren't called at all. I couldn't name a Jay-Z track. Darling, stop saying Jay-C. It's Jay-Z. Jay-Z. I couldn't name a JC track. Darling, stop saying JC. It's Jay-Z. Jay-Z. I couldn't name a Jay-Z track.

I prefer Jay-Z, to be honest. It should be Jay-Z, let's face it. Yeah. And with her as well. I actually didn't think they were... I thought they'd split up. Well, no, I think the word on the street is that there might be a conscious uncoupling ahead.

Oh, a conscious uncoupling. They don't split up now, they're consciously uncoupled. And I think that might be around the corner. Well, look, if you don't... Hence the terrible birthday present. My view is if you don't like it, then you'll have to take a ring off it. If you don't like it, then you'll have to take a ring off it. No need to make such a big blinking thing of it. If I don't like it, then you'll have to take a ring off it.

That's right. You have to keep singing in such a Birmingham way. Yes, I think he does. You'll have to take a ring off it. I think he does have to keep singing in such a ring. I can feel Daisy's real disapproval, cos I couldn't name a Jay-Z track. You could, or you couldn't?

Daisy, our producer, I was thinking, you should be ashamed of yourself, shouldn't be saying that. You know, she shakes her head when she tells you off. She actually just did the Z formation. Yeah, what, let's call her Day Z. Day Z? Because she's so street. Oh, yeah, Day Z.

Day Z is my other word for an afternoon nap. Let's go for some Day Zs. Day Z. So when she's split up, will she be known as Beyoncé? Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Oh, lovely word. Yeah, because she's moved on.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm, I'm men. You know, instead of saying I've moved on, say, man, I, I'm beyond Z now. You know, like Beyoncé, Beyoncé. You get it? Do you get it? No, I don't get it.

You're fired. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just sitting here trying to work out how much Jay-Z is worth. Well, you say that, but I was also pointing out his curious little matchstick legs, which I rather, why are they so thin? I know, you think he'd have had them enhanced, man, with his money. Yeah.

Can you get leg implants? Yeah, there was a rumour that Arnie got his calves done, but I think it was just rumour. Okay. I think. Or, do a Simon, do a cowl. What? That could cover all manner of evils. What, get the boot cut, Jean?

Yeah, cover them up. Nobody was on the beach. I suppose he felt a certain obligation, for sure. I was astonished. Yeah, I think he possibly has overworked his upper body when he was Oh, I thought it looked like a wonder. You know when people have been ill for a long time, their legs go. Well, that's what happens if you get the store. Has he been bedridden? Has that been in there? Has he? Can we Google Jay-Z bedridden? I don't remember the headline, Jay-Z bedridden. Jay-Z's turning into a sort of little nail figure. Oh, how sad.

Poor old Jay-Z's not reading a magazine. Little wire reading glasses, I imagine. His legs slowly deteriorating. Must be difficult for him to read one of those magazines that are full of, like, just pappy rubbish and other things that people read when they're ill. He must just be going, us, us. Yeah.

Yeah, that's us again as well. And also the duvet, just flattening over the days as his legs got thinner and thinner and thinner. Or maybe he just doesn't, you know, he's so rich, he doesn't do anything, and that's why the muscles are... No, listen, I think... Hold it. Oh, sorry. Maybe he just doesn't, you know, he's so rich he doesn't do anything and that's why the muscles are... No, listen, I think... Hold it. Oh, sorry.

Maybe he's lazy. Like you. I like hold it. That's a stern tone for a joke coming, isn't it? Are you crazy? I hope that hasn't set a precedent. You reminded me of a clip of... Hold it.

What was he called? Who was Mr. TV? Male, American bloke. Oh. oh come on help me out will you mr tv um yes i know who you mean yeah oh come on anyway i saw a clip of him and um he was he used to do sketches with celebrities and he had this, a model who was doing a celebrity. And he was clearly moving towards a punchline. Yeah. I mean, I knew.

And he started to say, yeah, well, the thing is with these, and she went to speak, and his arm went out, and he grabbed her forearm. I'm not kidding you. Had it been a runaway horse that had come into the studio, he would have stopped it with his grip. He would have, he'd just sort of go,

and then he'd finish the... Oh, no, and it was perfect. And that was that moment. That was your hold it? I feel bad. I can't remember his name. I saw him live. Oh, we can't Google him. I'm going to remember him. No, we'll remember.

He came on and said... This was, like, in the 90s, and he was... Because he'd been working since the 50s, he came on stage and said we've got a real hip crowd in the night look at the hips on that broad excellent I've been through a similar chapter

to Jay-Z recently as keen readers will know that my legs have gotten thin my legs are very thin and my upper body massive, innit? I'm hench up top. You do. You look like a treehouse.

I'm like a powerhouse treehouse, yeah. My wife recently turned 40. Are we in the north? My wife. She turned 40. She's had a great time. She's looking well. Tribute to Bernard Wright on there, it seems.

Yeah, good. she's looking well. Tribute to Bernard Wright on there, it seems. Yeah, good. And I, as we discussed at the time, I painted myself into a corner by starting joking that I was going to get a 40 gifts, and then once I'd started joking about it, I felt like I had to get a 40 gifts.

But I did all right. Did you? How was the pound shop? Well, you say that. Actually, I did really well. I got 39 Lily of the Valley hand creams and one bunch of flowers with quite a lot of street dirt on them. What did you really get her?

Come on. I'll tell you what I did get her that really helped was I got her a voucher for 10 hot yoga sessions, so that immediately reduced the... That's about it, 30. Yeah, exactly. It's quite handy, that. And I got her 20 boot camps um and and a box of 10 donuts it was easy really easy are you not serious no i did i did definitely i

did genuinely get other year hot yoga but did you get a 40 present no but i did get so many that i lost count i mean we can try and work through it, but it's probably not great radio. No, maybe not. I got us some 40-year-old tawny port. That was a good gift, wasn't it? Did you? Yeah. I mean, that's probably as much as Jay-Z spent on that video. I quite like it. It's a bit what you'd give to a Tory MP, if I'm honest. Yeah, but if that Tory MP was married to me in 40, it's a nice thing. It was from the year of her birth. What is tawny port?

It's a drink. Okay. You know port? It's a drink. Okay. You know port? Yeah, I see. You know, there's a special extra accent. I thought it could be a townie poet, and you were saying, I've got a tawny port to come round and read a poem. A townie poet?

There was loads of them, wasn't there? Hold on. Yes. To quote Frank, one of our readers, 571, has said Milton Berle. Milton Berle, that's exactly who it was. Milton Berle, good work. Who was that? That was 571.

Thank you, 571. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Do you remember when I told you that I did a thing in Edinburgh, not just Edinburgh, just gone the one before, with Stephen Moffat, the showrunner from Doctor Who? Yeah.

And I said, he said, it was hosted by Fred McCauley, the Scottish comedian. With curly hair, that's Stephen Moffat. I said, what's the story, Fred McCauley, wouldn't you like to? Anyway, he said, who would make a good companion? I said Dorian Moldavar, if you remember. Who was just, at that point, just a severed head. And Stephen Moffat said you couldn't have a companion

with a severed head. Could you be a bit limiting? And then in the Christmas special that year, he had a Cyberman head. That's right. Remember that? Yeah. I think, having watched last week's episode, something else that I was asked that year, he had a Cyberman head. That's right. Remember that? Yeah. I think having watched last week's episode, something else

that I was asked that night, have you ever had an idea for a story? And I said, what about if the Doctor discovered that he was part Dalek? Oh yeah. And that's why he'd hated the Dalek so much, because he had Dalek DNA in him and he was fighting his evil side. Emily's looking gripped by this Doctor Who conversation. I was watching the episode this week.

I'm thinking that maybe Stephen Moffat took up on that and now he's steadily feeding it into the new series. What about that? I saw last week's ep and I thought it was better. Thanks. So there you go. Good, you see? I love that exchange.

Yeah. But what about... I didn't see it. You are a good Dalek, which is a bad reference to an Eccleston episode, but I thought everyone's thinking, oh, that's like a metaphor, but what about if it's my theme coming in hey oh that he's a bit darling maybe my my thank you for giving him the idea in the series that's right yeah i'm gonna just interrupt it

you're getting very overexcited hold it hold it i know i am i'm having to adjust the way i'm sitting i'll be honest with you anyway calm down okay i'm all right i'm all right i listen i've told you i'll watch your one episode okay when is it again daisy 11th of october okay 11th of october oh um it's quite loud yeah it was daisy leaned into the microphone there like george harrison coming in to thicken up the harmonies a bit. Now she's got our showbiz name, Daisy. Yeah, exactly. There's no stopping her. Anyway, more important things.

Well, obviously not more important things. Not them. Anyway, do you know what? This could be the last time I think I go over to Sandy Waugh because she is not going to do Saturdays anymore and I'm going to say I miss her very much. I love her. I think she's a really special person, and I mean that.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Daisy, the producer, just picked up her headphones and went, ow, I think she might have got a shock off the cans there. Did she get a shock? It pinched your skin. Oh. I've never had such

a fuss about nothing. Yeah, hashtag first world problems. A Day Z was telling us that someone else calls a Day Z, so we can't do it anymore. Oh, can't we? But Charlie came in with a very good last minute fallback. Do you want to call it out?

It wasn't actually me. Wasn't it you? It was a tweet. It was a tweet. Okay, well, someone tweeted Daisy Rascal. Oh. Which I like a lot. Charlie didn't tell us it was a tweet until I got it. She's claiming, she's taking the credit.

And then now I put it on the spot and she melted. God, I tell you. Okay. Kill them. Do you know tell you. OK. Kill them. Do you know what? Kill her. These two. This is me walking away now from the interrogation.

Kill her. Charlie and Daisy will have a right good laugh about this afterwards. They'll be sitting there looking at virals, giggling. It gets very enders. It does. And they've both spoken on air today, it seems. Do you know what? Yeah, you know what? both spoken on air today, it seems. Yeah. Do you know what? Yeah, you know what?

And I think both of them are lies. Yeah. I'm not right. Do you know what? I think they'll be drunk with power for the rest of the day. Now, I tell you, I want to talk about this teenager. Hold it. Who complained about his pizza.

Did you read about this? I've been dying to discuss this with you. I like this. I like this. I like this. So what happened? He's got the pizza. It's called Sada Dry.

That was his, um, handle. That's his handle. Oh, was it? Okay. Um, what he's done is... He's looked up. He's looked up. What was the syntax?

He's gone into the box. He's looked up. Yeah. Well, that's the problem. He's gone into the box. He's literally gone into the box. He's discovered that the pizza he Well, that's the problem. He's gone into the box. And when he's gone into the box, he's discovered that the pizza he's ordered has no toppings. Yes. I mean, imagine it. So he complained on Twitter, received an apology.

And then he had to eat humble pie because he discovered... Well, as long as he had something. He didn't go hungry. There was topping all along. It was upside down. Brilliant. But what I love about that is that he texted, never mind, I opened the pizza upside down. And then he did a weird sort of emoticon type. You know when you do a smiley face?

It was like a sort of a colon slash, I'd call it. I think that's the medical name. And it's like two eyes and then a very sideways. Sort of a strokey, tiny... Yeah, as if it's a sort of slightly wry smile, like Oliver Hardy looking to camera. A slow burn. Yeah.

I'm starting to like Saturday, but don't contact me, obviously. Don't contact me! Saturday! Yeah, but I'm liking the cut of his jib. Yeah. If not the cut of his jib. Yeah. If not the cut of his Four Seasons. Well, apparently for pudding he had upside-down cake, and he thought it was awful.

Terrible. Too rich. Hold it. Hold it what? Well, he just made a joke. Isn't that what we do now on the show, when someone makes a joke? No, no, it's just before it.

Sometimes you have to make yourself a bit of space. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. My worry, of course, with the pizza delivery man is it's always an issue for me because I am phobic about a man in a motorbike helmet out of context. Do you understand? Well, I've told you before that in Birmingham, West Midland, blokes would get off their bike,

they'd just go to the pub and just keep their helmet on. You often saw blokes shopping in a crash helmet. The one time I ordered a pizza, I was desperate. One time? I never order pizza. What? It's carbohydrates and it's common. I'm not doing that. I was with Steve Coogan once and he ordered a pizza as Roger Moore.

Did he? Oh, that's good. He ended by going, ciao. Anyway, carry on. Actually, I should say, without further ado, we've had a complaint from 301. Oh, God. Who says... Of all the things we've had a complaint from 301, who says... Of all the things we've talked about on this show, what could it be about, I wonder?

He says, I'm not having it from that teenager. If you Google Welshman complains to Asda, it happened ages ago. Sorry, I thought that was Jim Davidson's statement. So he's saying it's what he made up, then. Well, he's saying, I'll tell you how he says it rather brilliantly

I think this chump has copied him for infamy Infamy, not fame, infamy Yeah but chump, chump is very good But the trouble is he looks like a fool Would you think, oh that's great, someone complained to Aston and looked like a fool I'm gonna do that Yeah Well I suppose it's very high price for these people.

Who sent that? That was 301. I like 301's rage. Who's followed it up with, you would have to be a special kind of moron to open a Domino's pizza box upside down. He's angry about this. I also like the idea of a special kind of moron.

You know that groovy kind of love? It sounds like a version of that. You're a special kind of moron. You know that groovy kind of love? It sounds like a version of that. You're a special kind of moron. It's not enough usage of moron and chump in this decade, I find. I knew we'd get loads of texts about this story. It's the dominoes effect. That is... Hold on.

Let me see what we've got. Just talk amongst yourselves for a bit. Don't worry, I'll find something. So when the man turned up in the motorbike helmet with the pizza, he knocked on the door and I went, oh! And that was it. Here we go.

Sorry, that was supposed to be Alan's. Well, we know it was. It's now happened with you being shot by the man in the crash helmet. Shot? Not for the first time. Exactly. Oh, goodness. So, um, yeah, well, I don't know, maybe it isn't true.

Yeah. I'm hearing all sorts of things about it which are making me have doubts. I think that pizza story was copied from World's Craziest Fools with Mr T, he says. Oh, really? Officer Leroy. Oh, no. I don't want to get the police involved. Officer Leroy can stand down. I fear we've been party to some sort of duping.

Oh, no way. Oh, God. Well, for all our readers, we've been misled. And us, such a rigorous news programme, too. Yes. Sorry, Miss Jackson. OK, Pete Donaldson is coming up next. And thanks for listening this morning.

You know what? The good Lord spares us and the creaks don't... Perhaps this is something else that needs a revamp. A what? A sign-off? A closing speech. And what are you going to say then? Ta-ra.

No, I don't like ta-ra. Oh, you did that a bit. I spent about 40 minutes trying to think what to say. Hurry up! We were about... Don't just sit there thinking of something. We've got to go.

I've got plans. Let's try and see you next week. But I won't see them of course. They're largely mythical figures. Bye.

This is upbeat. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

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