The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Dr Who??

Episode Date: June 8, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank is joined by Emily and Alun. They discuss Frank's holiday, middle lane hogs, Karl Lagerfeld's cat and of course - the latest Dr Who news.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show with Frank Skinner, Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8 12 15. Do! We like the interactive nature of that. And you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. If you've got like a computer or a smartphone In the unlikely event Yeah, and you can email the show

go to the Absolute website and I'm looking for a new search engine, but at the moment ask Jeeves but we're trying to get, Google pay your tax or I don't use you. Starting with a political message this morning.

Yeah, that's going. The show started in quite a depressing way for me when the cockerel, who it's a delight to have back, I may say, said, where's that toilet roll we normally keep in the studio? Well, I've got one of my heavy colds. When you say one of your heavy colds,

that sounds very showbiz euphemism. No, you know, I was mocked for saying I had a heavy cold on this show once. Mocked? Mocked, honestly. It's like the temptation of Christ. The caustic humour that I heard that day at the expense of saying I had a heavy cold.

I denied him three times when he cried. It wasn't the temptation of Christ. What was it? Temptation of Christ is a different thing. What's the film called, Mel? Oh, The Last... Something of Christ. I think it's The Last Temptation of Christ.

This is the worst 37 you've ever done. No, The Last Temptation is... Isn't that Franco Zeffirelli? Oh, is it? What's the big one when he gets beaten heavily? Oh, I can't remember. Mad Max. Oh, yeah.

Mad Max, OK. They all let us know, won't they? Yeah, but it's bad that we don't know that. Come on, Darius, what is it? Lethal Weapon. No! It's the ultimate lethal weapon, if you really think about it. It's the mother of Christ.

OK, well, we'll remember what it is. Come on, fine. This is a terrible start. This is the worst start to the show we've ever had. It's been... What's happened to me? I've blown my heavy coals. So many judges were right as it turned out.

Oh, no. We've missed you, though, Frank. Well, I haven't missed the show. I've just been away for a week. I've missed you, though. I knew you were out of the country, and I don't like it when you're out of the country. I was on France.

That's all right. Did you go on Francais? I did. I was on what I think you would call a group holiday. Groupon? You got it cheap. You got a Groupon holiday. I don't know what that means, but I'm laughing.

So as to appear like I'm got my finger on the phone. Thanks, Skinner, on Groupon. Feet on the ground. I went away. I left. Weet on the grounds. I went away I left, we flew on Monday afternoon and we flew back on Friday afternoon. That's enough isn't it

for a holiday? Yeah. Well it depends on how good it is. Well Monday too. Holidays are generally too long. You're a worker aren't you? Exactly. Passion of Christ, we've had a couple of texts. Passion. I'm just going to say that to nip the

others in the bud. I don't want people texting after the event. If only someone had nipped that in the bud. What different things might have been for you. Oh no, it went on and on and on. Thank you for that. Is there any names and numbers? They're going to come in for ages now.

Joe, Ian in Teddington. OK, thanks, Ian. That's brilliant. So I went away with a group of people. I knew one... It was like all couples and kids. You know, I'm at that stage now, I have a child of my own, that you have to go away with couples and kids. Oh, yeah. So it was my first one of those.

Yeah, it's my first one of those. I can go away with footballers and lap dancers. Yeah. That's the way I roll. That's the plus of those. Yeah, it's my first one of those. I can go away with footballers and lap dancers. Yeah. That's the way I roll. That's the plus you have. Yeah. So I went away. I knew one of the couples, but the other couples I didn't know.

Oh, newbies. And they didn't know me. So they weren't... They must have been aware of your work, though. I think they were slightly aware. They didn't know your stories, darling. They didn't know they were slightly aware. They didn't know your stories, darling. They didn't know my little ways. I know your ways, darling.

That was the problem. And I look back now, I feel a bit bad about the whole experience. They were good people. Am I going to have to leave the studio? No, they were good people, though. They were all, I think all of them, if not most of them, were card-carrying members of the Labour Party. They'd all done good stuff.

They'd worked with the homeless and stuff like that. And I, I don't, I don't. You don't. I don't work with the homeless. I don't. You let one of them sign your arm once. That's the closest I've seen to you. The closest he's come to them is outside Novo. Did I sign their arm? No, he signed your arm once. That's the closest I've seen to you. The closest he's come to them is outside Nobu.

Did I sign their arm? No, he signed your arm. Oh, OK. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. You're right. I signed his arm. I just wet a finger.

No. So, and they were, you know, they're people who'd done proper stuff that you're supposed to do, help people and, you know. They'd given back. They'd canvassed. They'd gone door to door for the Labour Party and stuff like that.

I vote, but I don't know any of that. But they were the nice... I'm the bad guy in this story. I'm going to be straight with you. And I just think that sometimes... I want to come back to this because I'm trying to get myself off the hook but I don't know if I was on my best behaviour

that's what I'm going to say Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio So I'm away with these people who I didn't know very well. On your group on holiday that you got off your iPhone.

He doesn't know what that is. Stop using it. Yeah, just stop picking on me. Bargain. Hank, can we establish, are you in a villa at this point? Yes, we're in a... Can we have the kudo setting, please? We're in a French villa not far from Bergerac. Ooh, lovely.

Obviously, he moves about. When I got there, I saw him in a car outside. I think he was casing. But so I'm getting a bit like, it was in Revolutionary Road, that film with the fabulous Kate Winslet and the wonderful Leonardo DiCaprio. And there's a man in that who's come out of an asylum and he can't really mix with people. He says terrible things and upsets people.

They can't have anyone around the house. I'm like him. That's what I've become like. Funnily enough, I'm getting more like Kate Winslet. Well, I't got that fluffy face and without make-up I look a little bit like Leonardo DiCaprio so we're all in this together

anyway so so on the first night I got there and we got there quite late we sat down for dinner, I'd been there about an hour and somebody said I've got to do this thing with Princess Anne because a lot of them sort of charity work and stuff and he said I've got to do this thing with Princess Anne because a lot of them do charity work and stuff

and he said I've got to do a thing with Princess Anne and one of the guys said which one is that, which one is Princess Anne which is, you know and I said what, you don't know who Princess Anne is hold on I said do you not know who she is or are you pretending you don't know who she is

to be cool so can I just add Rich, this is the first night. I'd been there an hour and ten minutes. And I thought it was a perfectly, and I felt it hadn't gone as, I felt there was a bit of a tension in the, and

then the next day there was another thing and Kath actually said to me, will you just calm down? When we was on our own. Will you just calm down? She said, I think you're on the defensive because all the men are younger and fitter than you. Oh. Well, that hurt.

Is that what it was, though? Or had you not noticed that that's what it was at that point? I'm going to say, I'm not... She'd noticed at that point. That's the problem. They were all really good people. And not, you know, they weren't... Like, there was nothing about me being there.

They weren't impressed by celebrity. Obviously, me that's why they went wrong yeah they were young and fit yeah and then um we were talking about canvassing you know knocking on people's doors wearing a rosette and stuff like that which i i've said i said i could never do that so i think that's the worst i can't imagine anything worse than knocking on someone's door in a rosette. And they were all saying, no, no, no, no, no. And one of them said, you know, it's actually really interesting. I said, but not for someone of my intellect. And again, it was meant as a sort of...

Please tell me you didn't say that. It was meant as a joke, though. Please. No, it was meant as a joke, I think. Really? Yeah. You only think so, though. Please. No, it was meant as a joke, I think. Really? Yeah. You only think so, though. No, I'm almost certain I meant it as a joke. Alan, what's wrong with him? And then this, the last one really was an accident. Oh, well, something was worse than

what you've just said. On the last day, someone was talking about the fact that the kitchen was a bit, you know, a bit dirty. And I said, this is nothing compared to my kitchen. I said, honestly, this is like an operating theatre compared to mine. My kitchen's terrible. And then I said, I honestly, I said, I'm amazed, people. I must spend more time with ordinary people. But what I meant was people who have the normal

standards of hygiene and what a house should look like and stuff like that, I didn't mean ordinary people. No. No, it sounded that way though, didn't it? But I tell you, I'm starting to think I can't mix with people anymore. I just say they're on, it's like I'd imagine if you're on a holiday with Michael Parkinson, which we'd say...

You know when people get to a certain age, they just say stuff. I've become that person. It's like being on holiday with Alan Clarke. You know the sort of old elderly relative you're more forgiving of, on the racist front. I'm becoming, not that I'm racist, but I'm becoming that person who says stuff and when I left

I've never had a less They threw a party to celebrate? We went round handshaking and hogging off and it's the least emotional farewell I've ever been. I really felt like a... To be fair, you'd only known him since Monday though, hadn't you? Oh no, but it was long enough.

And I cannot emphasise that everybody was very nice to me and... Oh. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. When chameleons get old, apparently, they lose the ability to change colour to suit their environment. They just stay the same colour regardless. Was that your stomach? Yes.

Was it yours? Maybe we both did one and it sounded loud. A simultaneous stomach roll. Can I just say that was music to my ears. Well done, darling. It's like being at the office in Star Magic. You should think where everyone is starving themselves. So, yeah, so that was that.

And we... The other problem is that me and Kath can't cook. So we're always taking it in turns. You couldn't do your bit. Doing the most amazing meals. Not only can we not cook, but we can't wash up. What? Or lay at the table.

What? Or tidy, generally. We just can't. We can't. I don't know what it is. Oh, at this point, calling them ordinary people really does seem a bit rude. I know. I mean, if they've been cooking and setting the table... I'm saying you two, like, you were a bit like Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey. That's how they viewed you, I think.

We did try, but it's just that if we'd have cooked, it would have really spoiled everyone's night. So it just couldn't... So did you just sit there like a laird waiting for the food to be produced? Did you want a takeaway on your night? I wanted to be very lairdish. No, I tried. Honestly, I wasn't there and I was, you know,

stroppy and difficult. I went there and I thought, oh, they are going to love me so much because I'm such great company. It didn't quite work out. Well, actually, we've had a text that... I mean, I wouldn't normally read this to you, but it seems like it's on topic.

OK. I think it's someone... Is it really abusive? No, I think it's someone trying to affirm Is it really abusive? No, I think it's someone trying to affirm that you didn't behave that badly on your holiday. Okay. I wouldn't worry about it, Frank. You've always had a bit of the git about you,

so it's not an age or environment issue. Is that from Kath? No, it says from Jase. But, yeah, I mean, there might be some hope in that text. That's it, yeah. That's it, Jase. Rather than it being a decline, just think of it as a continuation. You're right, I have always had a bit of a git about me. Of course, that's so true.

I'm really glad you've taken that as well as you did. It was a gamble reading it to you, wasn't it? No, that's like a revelation to me. To be fair. Of course. Always I've had that. Frank, may I just say, also, I think that's fair enough what you say about the helping out in the kitchen and the tidying. Because I once said, I was at a dinner party once, and the couple said, the woman said,

should we go and help X in the kitchen? You know, because the ladies are meant to do that, aren't they? And the men were in there talking watching football and I said I'm really sorry I don't do that she looked so stunned and I said I think my talents are better used out here well they are

but that's because you were also making a feminist point I sliced some tomatoes and things don't get me wrong and then I suggested that I did, you know, the jagged edge tomato slicing you can do? Yeah. Yeah.

I was very keen on that, but they said it'd take too long. Can I just ask? See, what they did, that was my moment when I was trying to be enthusiastic, and I was shot down. On your night to cook, did you at no point suggest we'll get takeaway because that's what i would have done and you're gonna get in france

saucisson rs he'd have had his euros with him what a good night anyway buzz had a lovely time oh did he yeah i was uh i with... Obviously, I was with my son, boss, because... Yeah. Yeah, I was with him. And he really liked it. It was... Well, he's used to you, isn't he? You know, there was grass and stuff like that,

and animals for him to look at. Right, nice. He doesn't get that in Birmingham, in London, or Birmingham, or in our 11th floor flat. And there was a bit where he went to sleep in his little boggy on the grass, and I lay next to him on the grass and I went to sleep as well. It's beautiful, just like my old days on the Central Reservation when I had a terrible drink problem.

Beautiful. Beautiful. terrible drink problem. Beautiful. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is like my essay, what I did in my holidays. It is?

We went out for a bit of a day, a trip to a local town called Castle Moron. Oh. Oh. I didn't. a trip to a local town called Castle Moron. Oh. Oh. I didn't. Went in wrong.

I didn't. And we were sitting outside a cafe. Boz was asleep. And I think one of the other babies was asleep. And an enormous siren went off. I mean, a proper old-fashioned... Any houseman that would. Yeah.

Wow. But really loud. I mean, that... Massively loud. And, um... It turns out that it's the midday siren to let the people of Castle Moron know that it's midday. Really?

That's a bit over the top, isn't it, that? Have they not heard of the wristwatch system? Also, there's like a church clock and stuff. And I'm starting to wonder, Castle Moron? Well, anyway, I don't know if... Has anyone been to Castlemore? Maybe they'll know more about that and they can text us about it. But I bet there isn't anyone that's ever been there, except us, is my thing.

So, anyway, it was... I disgraced myself. When I came back on the plane, I travelled Ryanair. I had work to do. So you're a man of the people. Yeah, I had... Yeah, exactly. There's no deep left on Ryanair. I had work to do. So you're a man of the people. Yeah, I had, yeah, exactly. There's no deep left on Ryanair. There's not even a left.

No. I don't, I don't know why people, I'm not going to, I'm not trying to get free flights. I can afford it. Don't send me any. But I, I don't know why people slag Ryanair. I like it. It's good. Um, so, uh, I had some work to do and I thought, the trouble is, I always get this,

I don't like to work on a plane, because I always think, this is true, I always think, if it crashes, I'm going to be really gutted that I was working. I'd be thinking, as it plummeted to the earth, I'd be thinking, I could have just read a book if I didn't know this was going to happen. Or listened to a podcast of some kind. So I didn't do that. But I'll tell you what news I received while I was away that shocked me to my very core.

Actually, it was just before I went, but it shocked me to my core. To Lisa? Matt Smith. Oh, yeah. Matt Smith is going from the Doctor Who. I was thinking of you. This is a big deal in your world. I know.

I mean, it happens in Doctor Who, you know. It does, yeah. They come and they go. Obviously, it's the same person. Yeah. Essentially. But, I mean, the people who play Doctor Who come and go. But I really like...

Matt Smith was one of my all-time favourites. Was he one of your favourites? He was brilliant. Great, great acting fingers. Long, thin, acting fingers. We've actually had an email about this very subject, Frank, from Toby Behan. Toby Behan? OK. Sounds a bit of a Shakespearean fellow.

No, I like the sound of Toby Behan. It'd be Lord Toby Behan, wouldn't it? Dear Frank M and Al, Frank has been bemoaning the fact that the Doctor Who team never got back to him about a part in the show, but maybe a suitable one never came up. Until now, with Matt Smith departing, is it time for a Midlands Doctor?

Oh, that sounds a bit ITV1, the Midlands Doctor. But Nerys Hughes would be in that. That said, there are rumours that the next Doctor will be female. Emily gets my vote. A divine Miss Doctor. Miss Doctor, he says. Alan could be good too. He could trade in the screwdriver for an inhaler.

Doctor the Asthmatic. That's true. But my wish is that Frank is the Doctor and Emily and Alan are his assistants. Brilliant. First episode, The Creeks Have Risen. Oh, this is someone who's been paying attention. Yeah.

I should, that's very fine. I got a text, oh, an email actually, that started, do you want to play the doctor? And I thought, oh, my God, oh my god oh my god oh my god turns out they're doing a neil fox biopic um and i'm i'm i don't know if i want to go for it's called uh it's called next up david beddingfield oh daniel see that's why he's a professional who wins prizes, and I'm just some bloke who turns up.

I'm no foxy. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were discussing The Doctor and The Vacancy. We had an email in. Frank is the next Doctor Who is the title of the email. Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, knowing Frank's love of Doctor Who and the upcoming vacancy for the role,

I thought I would contact a well-known high street bookmakers to see what odds they were offering for our borderline national treasure to be the 12th Doctor. I was expecting something like 5,000 to 1. Can I say, people do actually listen to this show. Yeah. Otherwise they wouldn't have known that. The same bits of it back to us, which is a good sign, isn't it?

I was expecting something like 5,000 to 1, but was shocked and amazed. But was shocked and amazed to see that the bookies were quoting a lowly 66 to 1. God, I'm in the frame. Should I save my money or is it worth a punt?

Well, that's interesting because I've seen that Stephen Fry is also on at 66 to 1. See, I... Yeah. I thought you'd like that, Frank. Yeah. I don't know. I mean... I don't want to stop watching it after all this.

That's his age, though, to be fair. I'm not sure if they would be right to cast you, because surely you wouldn't be able to get the work done, because you'd be walking about going, Oh, my God, it's a Dalek! I'm such a big fan of those! Yeah, it would be a bit difficult. Really, what they want to do is cast someone. Sorry?

They should cast somebody that isn't that overwhelmed by it. Like the four? Yeah. Marky Smith says he never gets anyone in who says I'm a four fan. Right. Because he gets in the way. Yeah, yeah.

So they could have me. Like, I've seen it and I think it's all right. Oh, here we go. I wouldn't be going, oh, there's a Dalek, can I have your autograph? I'd just be...

I've seen it, I think it's all right. Doctor who? I've seen it, I think it's all right. Doctor who? I've seen it. I think it's all right. What if someone said that about me? That's the worst review someone could ever give me. It's all right, isn't it? I've seen it. I think it's all right.

Well, there's various theories. One is that they're going to go for an older man to play the part. That made me think I'm in with a shout because, let's face it... Nothing wrong with going for an older man. Well, it's a risk, though, isn't it, in showbiz at the moment? They are subject to sudden unavailability. What about that? The older celebrities.

I heard old Grinty was in. Rupert Grint? Yeah, I saw... I think it was Leicester. I saw Rupert Grint as Doctor Who. Who could that possibly be? He's like, how old is Rupert Grint? Grinty?

About 13. No, he must be nearly 19. I think he'd be 19 summers long. That's how I talk about ages. What about the woman theory? Well, this is of course a stir in there.

Helen Mirren said she doesn't want to be the assistant, she wants to be the proper doctor. Which I think is a good move for feminism. If you had Helen Mirren, you'd have to have her as the doctor you couldn't have her yeah miranda's in the odds she's on the list and as you know i missed out on a role in miranda so maybe i could be in well no we didn't because you never talk about that if she played the doctor i could play the assistant like she could have like because she's quite funny and upbeat and bubbly and i could be like the dower assistant they could flip the whole thing Like, she could have, like, because she's quite funny and upbeat and bubbly, and I could be, like, the dour assistant.

They could flip the whole thing, couldn't they? That could work. It would be like, you'd... She would be like Lewis, and you'd be like... Frank, you've fallen for it. He's written himself a little part again, and you've played into his clutches. Oh, I'm such a fool.

I thought Susan Boyle could carry it off. Play... I think she'd play a bit quirky. She'd probably play a bit quirky, yeah. I think that might be the understatement of the year, to be honest. Or, you know, a safe pair of hands. Linda Lusardi.

Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. There's this other man they're saying is a favourite for Doctor Who called Ben Daniels. Who's Ben Daniels? Is he Helen Daniels' son in Neighbours?

I've never heard of him. Ben Daniels. Our favourite, Ben Daniels. He's made up. Who, me? I don't even think he's a real man. Is he that thin bloke from Part Life? No, I don't know Ben Daniels.

I don't know any actors. He was in Cutting It. I don't know any actors and I've gone off singing. What's happened to my life? You're in the wrong game, love. People on the telly singing. Singing, surely, is an audio thing. I don't want to see people singing all that.

You're on the radio, do you? That white stuff in the corner of their mouths. You don't want to see it. It's an audio. On the radio, it sounds lovely. On the telly, oh, look at that breathing thing. Look at the Adam's an audio. On the radio it sounds lovely. On the telly oh look at that breathing thing. Look at the Adam's apple going. Frank, what about Richard

Osman? Oh that would be a good one. He's got the height. Is he on the odds? Well he should be. Let's find out. Someone ring up one of those bookmaker things. I don't like gambling so I don't understand odds. Turf accountant. Bless you. See, my heavy cold is spreading. What about this then? What about buying as a pair?

So you get the doctor and the assistant. Little and large. You're going double that. No, I'm thinking... I've always liked a female assistant. I mean, there's been a few males, but I've always thought the classic combo, really, is the doctor and a female assistant.

Do you remember Jonathan and Charlotte from The X Factor? I do, indeed. There's a big lad with curly black hair, opera singer. They'd be... Yeah. They'd be just... Cos he's, you know, he's a big fella. Daisy, the producer's just mouthed to me

that it was actually Britain's Got Talent that that was on, isn't it? Yeah. Oh. Was it? I thought it was The X Factor. She's a big fan of those shows. OK, yeah. She'd have got this right. No, okay. But he looks like an eccentric character.

I could see him as the Doctor. Long, curly... I'm doing the hair with my hands. You can't see it at all. But I'm simulating the long, curly hair. Yeah, but it's a fine line between eccentric character and a bit smelly. And also, once he steps out the TARDIS,

it brings up the bigger-on-the-insides object straight away, because, you know, it's apparent he wouldn't have gone in there. So you've got that out of the way, because people always go, you know, it's bigger on the inside. And the Doctor, he gets fed up of hearing about it. Sure up about it. I tell you what, that's a good point, the bigger-on-the-inside thing. They could really make a feature of that with...

Who's the guy that hosts Grand Designs? Don't ever ask me a question like that again. I've never been so insulted. Who's the executive producer of Top Gear? I have never been so insulted in my life. He could be the next Doctor. Shut up about it, Grand Designs. Oh, honestly, I feel like I've closed up from the waist down.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean Allen Cochran. You can text us on 81215. Let me hear you say 81215. 81215.

That's sort of rhetorical. Oh. Follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. She's like a proper website with pictures and everything. Yeah, but you don't like www. Because you say no-one uses't like www. because you say no one uses it www slash dot who does that i don't know why they even bother with it anymore no one types in www slash

a bleak used to be a bleak i know it's slash is this the sort of rant that you would do as the new doctor if you were well no i'm. You know what, can I tell you something? I have... Does your manager know? Before... He's got 66 to 1 odds to be the new doctor here. Before, well, my manager found... It was just entered the room, actually.

I don't know if you can hear the footmen talking amongst themselves. But I got a message from John this week to say, my manager leaves the shortest voice messages. Oh, go on, do how they are. It's sort of a Frank of his call. He sounds like Elvis. Yeah, and I call, and I thought, this is it. It's going to be the doctor conversation.

It's going to be Stephen Moffat's been on the phone and wanted to get to Cardiff for an audition. And I was completely fantasised. But I have for a while fantasised about my audition, before Matt Smith went, what it would go like. Because they do a bit of improvising and stuff. Oh, no. Do they?

Can I say, I find it upsetting that your dream phone call is they want you to go to Cardiff for the audition. Think big. Yes. I don't even think of me in the show. I think of how good I'm going to be in the audition. One thing at a time. That's it with my daydreaming.

You know, it's reasonable. Anyway. We've had some suggestions for the new Doctor. It's not funny, but I really think Hugh Laurie would be perfect for the Doctor. Hugh Laurie has been suggested, actually. Is that because he's a doctor in that other programme? Is it a doctor thing? Maybe. Oh, he's a doctor in the house. Like a doctor crossover.

Doctor in the house. Because I was thinking Dr Raj Paso. He could bring some medical knowledge to it. You can't just get random doctors up for the gig. Why not? Because he can't act. 153. Hi, Frank. What about the Fonz as the doc? Unusual choice.

Too cool. Isn't that too cool? I can't see it. If they are going to go older, what about Tom Baker again? Jump in the Dalek, episode 17. Tom Baker again, that would be... That would be a curveball. Of course, John Hurt is around. Yeah.

He was in the last one, so... Hasn't he hinted that he only played part of the Doctor? Yeah, but we all know what John Hurt's hints. Yeah. He was in the last one, so... Hasn't he hinted that he isn't? He only played part of the Doctor or something. Yeah, but we all know what John Hurt's hints are like. Do we? I don't. I bet he's a big hinter. Is that a bit of gossip?

Yeah. Yeah, he's known for his hinting in the business. That's how he gets most of his work. Jason Statham's at 100 to 1. Oh. Oh, terrible. Terrible. Hasn't he had enough fun in his life?

Bit too action hero I wouldn't mind him, but I think he might be a terrible human being So I'd discount him on those grounds I've met him, he's actually alright Just because you've met people doesn't make them alright Or see, he'd bring Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Oh yeah The Daily Mail's favourite

Anyway, we'll see what happens. Will.i.am. Will.i.am. Curveball. He's already got the outfits. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's not a bad shout, Will.i.am, actually. Can he act?

Does it matter? Yes. So dismissive. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio I think there's been enough TARDIS action I think we need a little bit of Email corner Before we say that there's been enough TARDIS action

Someone has texted saying Will.i.am was in X-Men First Class I don't know if there's meant to be a comma after X-Men or if that's the name of the... I've seen X-Men First Class and I remember him. Is that what it's called? So he's not saying that he was First Class in it because I thought he might be saying he can act and therefore it's a good shout. I'm sure he's been

everybody now in America is a celebrity in films. Yeah. That's the thing. Welcome! in films. Yeah. That's the thing. I think that's what he was like in France. That's officially my favourite contribution

to that that you've done. I think he sat in the chair just shouting things out like that randomly. That'll be the next holiday. It's going that way. It's happening to me. So, what have we got?

Hi, you lot. A bit over-familiar, isn't it? No, I'm happy with that. Don't be grumpy. I'm sorry if this is old. You can't say that. There's no point booking me. Hey, you lot.

I'm sorry if this email is old news. Is he on a show-by-show basis? What is it? Speak to my people. I tend to be a week or two behind on the podcasts. I've just heard you talk about the Skinner effect and wanted you to know that this is a well-understood phenomenon called motion after effect.

Can I explain for people who didn't hear this? I stood on the beach and the sea withdrew. I'm not saying these two events were connected. But as the sea went back I felt like the sea was staying still and I was shooting

backwards myself. It's a sort of optical illusion. Called Motion After Effect. Yeah, I didn't know that. I was trying to claim it that no one else had named it it's a sort of optical illusion. Called motion after effect. Yeah, I didn't know that. I was trying to claim it, that no one else had named it, so I could have the Skinner effect.

Sorry, that's a bit of background. Rich, who sent this email, then says, I'm sure there's a wiki page for it, and has put the link to the wiki page, which I would have deleted, I'm sure, and then put, I'm here. Here is the wiki page. You'll have to find another effect to skinnerise. Sorry,

here are three to start. The skinner effect describes, one, the moment when the motivations of the brain's humour centre override the fail-safes of the mouth. Peaky. Please see earlier conversations for your holiday. Yeah, that's a bit... Who's this from? Nostradamus. The keeper at Castle

Moron. Two, the proportion of space that appears on a previously packed train depending on the volume at which you shout at another passenger. I can't picture you shouting at another passenger. No, but I once drank on the... Oh, God. The 835 to Crewe. It wasn't the Pernod years. Yeah, I drank a bottle of Ricard.

I don't even know what that is. It's a sort of Pernod. It's a brand of P of Ricard. I don't even know what that is. It's a sort of perno. It's a brand of perno. And I've never had as much space on a track. And I wasn't shouting. I wasn't doing anything. I was sitting quietly, sat very quietly, reading the paper. Well, I started reading it, and towards the end,

I was just looking at the pictures. And I didn't trouble anyone. No one came. I mean, I had, looking at the pictures. And I wasn't... I didn't trouble anyone. No-one came... I had... I mean, I had, like, the seats around me and then the seats around them were empty. Thanks for the tip. I'll bear it in mind. That sounds good. Yeah, I've got a train journey today. I'll pop and get myself some Ricards action.

Yeah. Three, the longevity of which a toothpaste tube can be extended when incremental pressure, brackets, squeeze, and close brackets, is applied. Now, that I can see as you. Yeah, because, you know, when you roll it, when you get to the stage where this needs to be rolled? Do you do that? No, I've never rolled a toothpaste tube.

Oh, I do. When I'm finished with a toothpaste tube, it looks like one of those party blowers. And if you really think there's none left in here, none left in here, and then towards the end, like... You can still get... A little grip workout.

Yeah, it is. It's like a ball worker, if you remember that old fitness. He likes to get a lot of bang for his buck. Yeah, I've heard. I do. I don't like waste. That's what I don't like. So, yeah. I'll tell you what about this for something his buck yeah i've heard i do i just i don't like waste that's what i don't like so um yeah

that's what i tell you what about what about this for a something that hasn't got a name that i know of do you ever get this when you eat spinach after you've eaten spinach you feel like your teeth are made of wood oh yeah maybe i can claim that to be fair you felt like that for some years though yeah at the queen mother they actually turned to wood. Small wooden teeth the Queen Mother had got. God bless her. Okay. Pineapple, I get the same thing.

It does something to my teeth. Pineapple? Yeah. Oh, that's not what I've heard about pineapple. Yes, pineapple. I've heard other stuff about pineapple. What have you heard about pineapple? I've heard it induces labour for pregnant women.

Is that right? Yeah. I'm on about eating it, though labour for pregnant women. Is that right? Yeah. I'm on about easing it, though. So am I. Oh. Have we got time for another email, Frank? Can I say something I've invented, by the way? What?

Speaking of squirty things. Drinking a bottle of Ricard on a plane. If I've got a squirty bottle, you know a squirty bottle like you get now with ketchup and stuff? You know when you get to the bit where you can't get all... You know there's ketchup in there, but it's not squirting anymore. Yeah. What I don't know is I get a knife with a serrated edge, a bread knife, and I just cut the top off the actual thing.

Bottle. And just get it out with a knife. Yeah, yeah. I don't leave it in there and throw it away. No. There's people in the third world kill for a bit of ketchup. Oh, yeah. So I do that. in there and throw it away. No. There's people in the third world, kill for a bit of ketchup. Oh, yeah. So, I don't know.

So, that, the squirty bottles in our house, they spend their last few days as a beaker. Think on. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Right, you know, we were talking about who'd be the next

doctor. I don't think it's going to be you. I hate to break it to you. You don't know, you know. I mean, no-one thought it was going to be Matt Smith. I hadn't even heard of Matt Smith, to be honest with you, before he got the job. That's true, but some people have heard of you. Not those people you're on holiday with.

There's an absolute radio link, isn't there? Because the OC used to get David Tennant in on a regular basis. The OC sold his bed. He sold his bed? He sold David Tennant's... Things weren't going well. Oh, he sold David Tennant's bed. He auctioned it off and I remember I got in trouble

because I said, who wants some old Scottish man's bed? Yeah, we saw the bed here. No way was it David Tennant's bed. Why do you say that? It might have been Jimmy Cranky's. It was too small for David Tennant, it. Anyway, I suppose it's a lot bigger when you get in... Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! ! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh You could play a baddie with that kind of... I'd play anything. Keep saying this.

Daisy's upset on your behalf at how desperate you are. In our corner. 305 has texted in. Hi, guys. Hi, guys, don't you think Sebastian Cumberbatch would make a fantastic doctor? Not the show, by the way, Karen. Is that the brother? No, I think she means Benedict.

Benedict Cumberbatch. Can I just say, as a posh person, I find that insulting that all your potions are the same. How dare you? Yeah, would Tristram Cumberband? No, he, Benedict Cumberbatch

has, he's ruled himself out of it. He's sort of in everything and he's a bit too busy for that. He's already Sherlock. I mean, you know, share it out. Yeah, exactly. What about Patrick Stewart from Star? I'd be happy with Patrick Stewart.

I mean, he's got a lot of experience of travelling. He's sci-fi credentials. Yeah, he would know what he was doing, wouldn't he? On the subject of toothpaste that we were discussing a minute ago, Frank, a tip with regards to the toothpaste. Before rolling the tube up, slide the toothbrush handle along from the bottom

to the spout. It must give an extra one third of a brush worth. You are sharp! Really? And on same news, morning free-mowl, that's Frank, Emily, Alan, I guess, cut the toothpaste tube in half. There's always a few more brushes worth.

Oh, I've done that when desperate. From Paul. Do you know what? That's basically my squirty ketchup. Yeah, but you haven't thought of it. Foolishly, I've never. With the toothpaste, toothpaste, in your Paul-ance. Well, that's handy, though. Good to know. Yeah.

We've had an email in. Hi, Frank. Oh, just do what my dad did, and just use salt. Next. I think Emily and Alan, I love your childhood. I was catching up on podcasts

and heard you discussing George Michael's latest Little Bit of Trouble. I like the Little Bit of Trouble. It gives him a bit of a Frank Spencer quality. He fell. He had a whoopsie. He fell out.

He fell out of his... In case you don't know, George Michael fell out of his car. He was a silly billy. He was a vehicular silly billy. It reminded me of how Frank says certain celebs are in the fat-slash-stupid seat for comedians.

Surely George is now in the driving seat. He is, but he wasn't that night. Can we make that clear? No. He's not allowed. He's on a ban, isn't he? Also, very disappointed to hear of Emily's dislike for horses, as that is my trade, but if by some catastrophic accident...

What is it, a butcher? ...she ever finds herself on Geordie's shores, I will happily offer her a riding lesson. Oh. Long-time prisoner, first-time correspondent. I'm not sure about I will happily offer her a riding lesson. Oh. Long-time prisoner, first-time correspondent. I'm not sure about I'll happily offer her a riding lesson. It's all right. Oh, do you think he's being a bit saucy?

Well, I don't know. I mean, who knows? Yeah, this is the thing I was on about, that certain people, like, if... Like, there was a time, if you wanted to do a joke about someone being stupid, David Beckham would be in the stupid seat, so you'd make it a David Beckham joke.

David Beckham, because of his national treasure status, seems to have been removed. I don't know, who's in the stupid seat now? I don't know. Kerry Katona, maybe? Is that the texting? I don't know what to think. Who's in the fat seat?

Who did you just go to for a fat joke? Was it Rick Waller that was famously in that? and Vanessa, but I don't feel, they don't really feel like they're there now. No.

That's a good texting. Who's in the celebrity fat seat? It's got to be someone that everyone instantly knows as being fat, not some obscure... Not like Britain's fattest man.

Not like one of those Americans you get on the Daily Mail online. They've all got surnames as first names. You know that? Yeah. Anderson Keech. Looking great in a bikini. Anderson Keech, more like. Yeah.

Or, you know, Baxter Harris. Look out with her new child. Who are they? These are just names. Out with her new child. Like it's a These are just names. Out with her new child. Like it's a handbag. That's how they're treated, of course. That's how it is.

It's all them. What else could it be? Skinner Frank. There could be a woman called Skinner Frank and attract her. Dean Emily, obviously, would be an elderly clergyman. But you could have a Cochran Allen. There could be an actress called Cochrane Allen. That's how ridiculous it is.

That is ridiculous. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hank, I'm not a number. I'm a free man. That's from 820. Brilliant. In case you don't know, that was from The Prisoner.

One of my favourite shows of all time. Oh great, now they know how old I am. I am not a number! I am a free man! Can I say I was not alive in the 60s. Thank you. Who is number what? 4-

I don't know who kept it up. 4-0-6. Morning team, I'd love to see Jimmy Nail as the next Doctor, but he seems to have been shamefully ignored. That's from Andy Collin. What else? Jimmy Nail has, in the past, sued radio stations, I believe, so it's probably worth moving on. The thing is, they had Christopher Eccleston,

and Jimmy Nail is... He's in the same casting bracket. He's in the same casting bracket. He is. He is in the same casting bracket. I mean, you can almost see him in the leather jacket thing. Yeah? Yeah. It's time to move on.

Although I did like Christopher Eccleston. The good thing about him, he had a regional accent. Yeah? Yes, they need someone regional. Show us a Doctor Who could have a regional accent. They haven't had a West Yorkshire one, have they? Do you hear me out there? Oh, right, we're both doing the same thing, yeah.

Good point. Yeah, you've got enough acting work, shut up. Shut up about it. There's lots of comedians being picked up, though, for the big acting roles. Oh, my God, you're so bitter about this. You are more bitter about this than anything else. Well, the nice thing about acting is it's so much easier than doing...

Somebody else writes the stuff. There's the nice thing about acting is it's so much easier than doing... Somebody else writes the stuff. There's somebody else that's already written it. You did that play where you had the tortoise on your things. I know, but I had to get my gentleman's excuse me, I had to get it. I mean, that's a big ask. You've worked with them all, haven't you?

I said ask. What else? Well, I'll tell you what else. There's been some new legislation this week. Can I say that? Hold on a minute. What is this? Parliament news? I like the term that this shows. Can I say? That's one of my favourite words, legislation. I feel like I know about politics.

I won't say anything else. I just say legislation. Drop it in there. Legislation, say it. Is it up there with dignitaries? It's regarding middle lane road hogs. Did you read about this? Yeah. So there's going to be a hundred fine, a hundred pound fines.

A hundred quid. A hundred quidly did. To people clogging up the middle lane. Now you need to explain to me, because I just thought you picked a lane that you liked the look of, and you drove in that. I hope you're joking here. I'm not really. I'm really serious about this.

No, because the slow one... Oh, you're so serious about driving. The slow one is a bit puny. That's for pensioners. The fast one's a bit Qatari royal family, and I don't like that. So I... Cigar smokers.

It's very Schwarzenegger, the fast lane. I like the middle lane. It's the speed I like. Yes. What's wrong with that, Alan Cochrane? I think this proves my initial thought that the legislation is essentially sexist. It's picking on women, I'd just lay off. No, I don't want to get all highway code, but there isn't a slow middle and fast lane, there just isn't.

There's lane one and then there's two overtaking lanes. That's how it works. He's right. So if you're out of lane one... He's got a bit greyhounds. Lane one? If you're out of lane one, you should be overtaking.

You shouldn't be sitting there. Oh, I honestly think that... Well, don't blame me. Blame Keith for West Indian driving. Never mind a hundred quid. Never mind a hundred quid fine. I would go life imprisonment for the middle lane hogger.

I'd raise the stakes, make it even higher. I mean, it'll free up a lot of room on the roads. He's turned really nasty. He's gone off him. If he's honest, I'm not even chipping in or anything. If I need your support, he's gone a bit weird. Well, I mean, I've always felt moderation in all things, you know. And the people in the middle lane clearly have thought, you know,

I've found a via media, to use the Latin. It's a waste of a lane. There isn't a middle lane. It is annoying. And I have done that thing. Do you ever do this where you drive, you overtake them and then you really veer across to the inside lane to remind them where they ought to be?

As if to say, this is how it is. Yeah, I started doing that, but with my squirters, my windscreen squirters. So they also get a big blast of windscreen wiper fluid. That's good. I've known a doctor. Yeah, do that. I just think... I've done it when there's three minutes of urinal.

No, but I... No. No, I haven't done... But, yeah, I do that. And I always think, you know, just to hammer it home, that this is where you should be, in here. Come in here, it's all right.

I won't be punished. He's looking at me like someone out of Top Gear. It's horrible. I'm not looking at you like someone out of Top Gear. I was just... I'm just not an extreme driver. Nobody's an extreme driver. It's about driving properly. You are was just... I'm just not an extreme driver. Nobody's an extreme driver. It's about driving properly.

You are. In a way, you are an extreme driver because you're doing it incorrectly. Am I going to reach into the back seat and start knocking your heads together? All right, George Michael. I'm just reaching out of the back seat and start slapping you.

Shut you too! I reckon George Michael's very much staying in the middle lane. George Michael pays for that. Will you just... I've heard that. Just like that. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Well, it seems I'm not the only middle lane hogger. What? I'm aware of that. Annie QPR. Yeah, that's certainly true. Annie QPR says, I cannot stand middle lane road hoggers. Drives me mad. Eamon Holmes admits to doing it too.

So I'm in very good company. Thank you very much. Eamon Holmes. You want to be in the Eamon Holmes bit of Venn diagram? Hey, I've just thought of something. He's not in the fat seat, is he, Frank? Well, I think... Didn't he write to Mock the Week?

I don't know if he wrote. I don't know if people write anymore. But he complained to Mock the Week? I don't know if he wrote, I don't know if people write anymore, but he complained to Mott the Week that they'd put him in the fat seat. Did he? And I think he was legally removed. Well, in that case, how dare they say that? With lubrication. How dare they?

Yeah, exactly. I suggest you just forward that to Emma Holmes' legal people. Hi, Frank. Eric Pickles MP is surely in the fat three-seater sofa. Oh, yes. Yes, he definitely gets it. But do people know Eric Pickles MP is surely in the fat three-seater sofa. Oh, yes. Yes, he definitely gets it. But do people know Eric Pickles? Bob's looking very blank. Do you know Eric Pickles, Bob?

I've heard of him. You've heard of him? You lie to me and look me straight in the eye. So early in our relationship, I can't believe it. Frank, we've had incoming from Tracy. Have we? Yes! Oh, God, it's been a long time.

Tracy Emin, friend of the show. Oh, play friend of the show. It's been a long time. Oh, I love Tracy. Hi, Tracy. I wish she was my friend. I'm looking for the... Here we go.

Yeah, I know, I'm excited. Friend of the show. Oh, Tracy. Beautiful. Hello, Tracy Emin here. Imagine, she's actually said that to us. All right. OK, I just want to say,

David Tennant isn't the only one to sell his bed. Oh. Oh! Excellent. And once, I had to give Matt Smith an award dressed as the Stig. It was quite surreal. Love, Tracy. That is quite surreal. Or was she the Stig? Or was he? At least David Tennant cleaned his bed

up a bit. I mean, for goodness sake. Exactly. Keep a tidy area, Trace. What do you mean by that? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Alan likes it when one of those big lorries

passes on the motorway. Feels all macho. I hate those lorries with the wires. What are those wires? Do you know what does annoy me? When two lorries overtake each other. I just think they should have to follow each other. Yeah, that is... It takes ages.

But as you point out, that line is for overtaking. Listen, can I tell you why I don't like overtaking? Because I'm a bit scared. And it's like Ben-Hur out there. Well, get in what you think of as the slow lane, then. That's why I don't like undertaking. Because I'm a bit scared and it's like Ben-Hur out there. Well, get in what you think of as the slow lane then. That's why I don't like undertaking because I'm a bit scared. Who in the chaplains

on the telly? Lovely. She looks lovely. She looks like a person who'd be a nice person. Is this, are people now listening to the radio with people watching the telly? No, but when I was a young man I had a big crush on... Charlie Chaplin.

There was a program called... I loved it when you fancied Charlie Chaplin. Not when I was that young. A bit older than that. There was a program called Roda. I remember it well. Valerie Harper. Yeah, Valerie Harper. But I really fancied her sister.

Oh, did you? And she looked a bit like... And she wasn't at all like a sex symbol type woman. She just looked lovely. And she went on to do the voice of... Someone in The Simpsons, maybe. Yeah, the wife in The Simpsons, what she called Marge. Yeah, she became Marge Simpson. Really?

Jill has said, loving the James May type floral shirt there, Alan. Thank you. Yeah, it is very James May. Jill also says, do you know James May? No, but, loving the James May type floral shirt there, Alan. Thank you. Yeah, it is very James May. Jill also says, do you know James May? No, but thanks for the tip. I can't believe this conversation is guaranteed. I will never wear this shirt again now. We should say to new listeners that our theory is that James May,

and the most macho show on telly, wears a floral shirt. The way people put up a sign if they're a hostage on the window. Please help me, help me, or throw something out the window. Because he's saying, please rescue me from these two. I'm actually quite a gentle... I like the arts. He likes muesli and books. I bet he does. We don't know what he likes.

But he doesn't like what they do to him when the lights go down. Eh? So, we're talking about... I'm going to swerve into the middle lane here. Again? And I've had some correspondence in and it's a question for you regarding your son, Frank. Okay. Morning, Frank, Miss M

and Cockadoodle Cochran. I just wondered how you and Kath agreed upon the name for Buzz. Was it just a discussion or a row? How did you settle on the name Buzz? I think it's Oh, that's a good one. Wow. So I was able to name my eldest Johnny Joey Dee Dee Rush after the wonderful Ramones. And my youngest is called Harvey Lewis after Harvey's of Lewis, the greatest brewery in the world. Could have put John in in the middle as well there. Harvey John Lewis. Bit of retail therapy. Oh, you only do that so you get a discount. Could have totally ruined his life and called him Huey Lewis.

That's from 126, who's in Bahrain. Yeah. There was a woman at the airport yesterday who said, oh, he's a lovely man, he wants his name. And I said, he's called Baz, you know, a bit. And I heard her saying to people, he's called Baz. Lots of...

Oh. This is how I work it out. People will say, that's a cool name. Good people. People will say, you a cool name good people bad people well Nigel Rush is good people then this takes us back to driving in the fast lane you know I'm always looking for

a brief rule of thumb to spot bad people convertible car totally agree totally agree with you and ugly people generally there's the irony well that's G-Force you see you get a bit of protection from that Totally agree. Yeah. Totally agree with you. Bad people. And ugly people, generally. There's the irony. Well, that's G-Force.

You see, you get a bit of protection from that. I saw a brilliant... When I was in Castle Moron, I saw... Can you start every anecdote like that? No, but I saw a driving incident. We were all sitting at a cafe, me and my co-prisoners. Your friends. My co-prisoners. And this lorry started, there was a car parked and this, well it wasn't parked, the bloke was coming up the road, and this lorry started reversing.

And you know when they haven't seen, they don't know there's a car behind. Not a car behind, right? A car behind. Don't swear. They don't have the car behind rate. So we started backing up and we all went, no, no, no. And the car, there's a bloke sitting in the car behind. And this lorry is coming at it quite quickly. And the bloke, instead of blasting his horn and that, started reversing really quickly. And they went down this road backwards as fast as I've ever seen anyone. Wow. This bloke, like, really reversing.

Oh, man. There's nothing funnier than a serious road incident in which no-one gets injured. Then you can relax. If you know. I mean, as it was, the bloke was killed. No, it wasn't. No, I lied about that.

But it was, I've never, and I can barely reverse at all to see it done so spontaneously. You should hang up with George Michael. Yeah, he can reverse like there's no tomorrow. And the way he's going, there might not be. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. If, when, who. This is, just trying a few words before I go into it.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can text us on 81215. Do that. Like it. Follow us on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email us through Absolute Radio's very own website. I think there's a picture of me and you in sunglasses on there today.

There's a picture of the three of us. Separately in your sunglasses. You look good in them. You look like Jackie O. I thought you'd never say that. Well, we don't have that kind of friendship where I say stuff like you're looking. Well, we don't have that kind of friendship where I say stuff like, are you looking hot today, baby? You said that.

Exactly. You see, just saying it abstractly, I felt uncomfortable. You said it whilst making a resting eye contact with me. That was the surprise. He couldn't actually look at me when he was saying something a bit sleazy. I just couldn't. I liked it. I respect her too much.

I respect you a little bit less. I. I respect you a little bit less. I respect you, but a little bit less. I've got to be straight about that. You're a bit more one-night-stand material, let's be honest. Well, I don't know about that. I like to at least get a free meal with a one-night-stand. Well, you're marking out the wrong thing, exactly. We'll have a look on Groupon.

I don't want to go out for a free course. Anyway. I think it's time to enter Carl Corner. Pardon? I speak, of course. Carl Corner. He speaks a bit like that. This is Carl Lagerfeld, who...

Oh, Carl Lagerfeld. You're familiar with his work, I heard. One of yours in the fashion industry. He's one of my favourite people. He's one of my closest international friends. No, he's not. I wish he was. Does he use felt? That would be quite good, wouldn't it?

If you were to touch the fabric and go, oh, it's Karl Lagerfeld, that, isn't it? What, the beer mats? He could use felt, though, couldn't he? Or Lager. He could use Lager. He could do that, but I don't think it would be a very good idea, do you? Things are going all right for him as they are.

I don't think he's a man who's going to change his look in the immediate future. No. He's sort of found a look and he's stuck with it. Black leather gloves. Imagine how crinkly his fingertips are at the end of the day. But we've already mentioned... About walnuts. About walnuts.

I won't have you being rude about my hero. I admire Karl Lugfeld. Frank, we've already mentioned I won't have you being rude about my hero I admire Karl Lagerfeld Frank we've already mentioned are you familiar with the work of Choupette Lagerfeld his cat yes of course we've discussed it before basically the cat's got an iPad 2

made and it seems an iPad 2 it eats king prawn cake and apparently I like there was a comment about the maids and it said An iPad 2? It eats king prawn cake. And apparently, there was a comment about the maids. King prawn cake? Yeah. What?

They make a cake out of king prawns for him. And Choupette has two maids, Francois and Marjorie. Is there anyone listening from the third world? I can only apologise that such decadence goes on. Of the two women, Choupette is said to prefer Francoise, so she has a favourite maid. But what's happened now, he's taken it on a bit of a step now, Carl, because he says he wants to marry his cat.

He says, I've never felt like this before. You see, you start with gay marriage. He doesn't mean that. Can I say that was a joke? Yeah, he doesn't mean that. Pro-gay marriage. It's good to welcome the Christian right onto Absolute Radio. I am pro-gay marriage, but I am anti-cat marriage, generally.

Although, to be fair, cats, very cold, aloof, distant, superior, they're made for marriage in many ways. He says, much to his great disappointment, he says he thinks it's wrong that there's never been marriage for humans and animals. Oh, for goodness sake. For goodness sake. I know he's a bit of a ponytail lifter, but only when he wears a high collar.

Frank, I like how their relationship started. He was looking after a friend's cat for two weeks and he said, I want to give it back. Because he liked the cat, so he just basically stole it. That's why they stopped him fostering. What, this cat? He just kept it? Yes. So there's an owner somewhere reading this.

What about this? Did I not tell you about when I lent it my lawnmower? Hang on, this is a bigger story than the actual story. This is a borrowed cat. It's a friend's cat and he liked it. He refused to give it back. Oh, I don't like that. I love it. I've gone right off him. It's a friend's cat, and he liked it. He refused to give it back. Oh, I don't like that.

I love it. I've gone right off him. It's because he's an iconic figure, people don't want to cross him. So he says, I'm having your cat, and they said, all right, Carl. Oh. And he said, don't call me Carl. I'm Mr. Lagerfeld. I said, but I'm your brother.

I don't care. Get out. No. There's been too many amazing things in this story. I was going to say, something sounded ruder than I wanted't care. Get out. No. There's been too many amazing things in this story. I was going to say something that sounded ruder than I wanted to answer. I'll stop myself. You see, I'm disciplined. If only I'd done this on holiday, I'd still have new friends instead of new enemies.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I say what I like about this Karl Lagerfeld story? I thought you were going to ask me, can I say what I like? No, you can't just say what you like. It doesn't work like that. No, you tell me. No, but I like the way he's treating these animals as if they're human beings. Because I think, to be fair, please don't take this the wrong way, Frank,

but I sometimes worry about Shep. You tell me stories about Shep. He was allowed on the Eid down once and then he messed himself. Can a dog mess himself? But he was never allowed back again. No, quite right. But then, he didn't even get

an iPad. He didn't even get walked. You just used to let him out and mingle. Animals in bedrooms? No. Treacle Poppet slept on out and mingle. Animals in bedrooms. No. No. Treacle Poppet slept on my pillow every night. Yeah, but he was a premiership footballer. Where was he from? Was he 90 years? You got him on a Bosman, didn't you? Yeah.

It's funny because it's true. What loneliness can do. I went out with a... Well, I lived with a woman who owned a cat and we had a somewhat argument about this, but I would not have the cat. I know they'll smother.

They will smother if they can. Not Burmese. No, they'll smother. If they get a chance to smother, they're in there. And a baby, they'll eat the face out into a hollow. You don't have a sentimental relationship with animals in the north, I think. Is that fair enough? Well, you know, I loved our ship.

He was buried under the apple tree. I know, darling. But we must move on. Yeah, but not sentimental. I wouldn, darling. But we must move on. But not sentimental. I wouldn't have one in the bedroom. Certainly, all the dogs we have when I was a kid, I can't think of one of them

that had two maids. No, no. I have a dog at the moment. Lucky. How many maids has that got? It's got zero maids. Zero maids. But she is quite a low-maintenance dog. She loves a snack from Poundland. No, no, actually. She's got a sensitive tummy, so we have to buy the expensive stuff.

Oh, wow. Crippling. It's crippling for me, financially. What is the expensive stuff? I don't know. It's some stuff that we've got on order from a dog foodie place. Oh, you don't mean like steak? No, although someone did say the other day that apparently Whippet's raw meat is good, like no other food.

Why don't dogs get very high cholesterol? They must. They love a bit of red meat. Yeah, they probably have a different way of processing it from we do. Do they? Is this really happening on this show? We're both speaking and stroking our chins. It's really weird

I'm interested it's like you know this theory that dogs we had a big debate on holiday about whether dogs sounds like you had quite a few big debates

about whether animals when animals how can I put this when they have the physicals oh god whether it's casual or whether they know

they're propagating do they have like one like stands well for me see my argument was that it's always casual with whether they know they're propagating. Or do they have one-night stands? Well, for me, see, my argument was that it's always casual with animals. They don't care. But we had a long debate about this and got quite heated, in fact. Really?

Yeah, that wasn't a problem. That was the cat. Yeah. But, well, we were nice to the animals. OK. The thing is with dogs and cats... Did you talk to the animals? Shut up, cat. We did, we did, yeah.

I always think that, you know, when an animal dies, obviously, it's very sad, but you can get one that looks almost exactly the same and they don't behave that differently. I find that with boyfriends. Yeah, and that, to me,

is the essential difference between animals and human beings. They're very infinitely replaceable. If anyone's had a pet diarist, obviously I know, I'm not trying to be dismissive of that. It's not... Is it going all right, this? LAUGHTER I like this. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We were going to sashay back towards email corner, if I'm not mistaken. And here I have an email. I'm a long-time podcast listener but first-time correspondent. With reference to the superfluous instruction Frank mentioned that came with the tunnel he purchased for Buzz, I do not use

to shelter from a thunderstorm. This is a toy tunnel, I should just explain for any new readers. I recently discovered this phenomenon when I purchased a chainsaw from a Scandinavian manufacturer. Oh, who is this character?

The advice, written in block capitals, no less, was as follows. Never attempt to slow or stop the chainsaw blade using legs or genitals. Wise words! And Simon, who sent this email, says, I feel people who need such instruction deserve everything they get.

That is all. Oh, that's a bit... He's gone harsh, but... He's suggesting that the stupid should be legless eunuchs. Oh, pulling themselves on... I think they could be categorised as the very stupid. You know those little trays? Pulling themselves round on one of those.

That's too harsh. That would be the stupid seat. That would be the new stupid seat. Yes, your wife. If they could get a celebrity to try and stop a chainsaw with their legs or genitals. Bob's brought in the red velvet cupcakes. It's distracting.

Did we work out who the stupid celebrity was? I don't think there's one in the stupid chair. No, you've texted us Eric Pickles MP. Who is Eric? We can't wait to hear from his lawyers. Who is in the stupid celebrity chair at the moment? So if you wanted to do a joke about someone being stupid, it would have been David Beckham in the old days.

You said Kerry Katona, but I think she's carbohydrates. She's in the carbohydrates chair. I don't think she's as much stupid as, you know, a bit common. Where stupid is a different thing. Oh, I just thought of someone. Isn't it someone from Only Wears Essex? Like Amy... But no one knows.

No one knows. No one knows. Don't ever bring that up again. The Great Halls has spoken. We've already had... Grand Designs. Yeah, Grand Designs. I've never seen Grand Designs.

I tell you why I hate it. Because it's all over our Sky Plus records. Spacey Solomon, she's in the stupid seat, isn't she? No, too nice, you see. All right, calm down. She's much loved. You really don't like horses, do you? You don't like horses and all their periphery creatures.

How are you with unicorns? Yeah, me too. Would you like to hear a missive from Cologne? What? Speaking of Cologne, me and the cockerel were sent a nice little bottle of Cologne from Christian Vioch

this morning. What about that? One of my contacts. Did you organise that? No, but they're friends of the show. Chris Dior is a friend of my contacts. Oh, did you organise that? No, but they're friends of the show. You know what I'm going to do? Dior is a friend of the show. It's a spray on cologne.

I'm going to do that thing. I've seen women do this. When they spray it in the air and walk through it. Yeah. I'm going to do that. I'm going to put mine on the whippet. Walk into the fragrance. Because I think I should be more like Lagerfeld.

My brother had a whippet and his girlfriend used to put perfume on it. She said it smelled a bit doggy, I remember her saying. It could have been the bum glands, they swell up. I think it was just... I think it's... I don't know if you can say bum... Let me get the absolute manual. I think it's fine about whippets, isn't it?

Well, I'm worried because bum glands is in red. I haven't even read the comments. I'm like, hmm. Oh. We've got to sound in good. You shouldn't have said that. What about this message from Cologne? At least you said bomb.

At least you don't get instant dismissal, which is what you alternative descriptions. Frank. Globule. is what your alternative descriptions. Frank. Globules. See, it's odd. Sorry, carry on.

OK. Can we get back to Cologne? Let's do it. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. I wish I'd had some German theme music then. That would have been great. Would have been a bit sinister. Yesterday, I listened to your podcast of May 25th. It was quite Germanic.

I love it. It sounds like a policeman in court. When you tried to think of different search engines besides Google, may I suggest Ecosia? www.ecosia.org It works great. How do you spell Ecosia? E-C-O-S-I-A

I'm going to do it. It works great, and they donate a substantial sum of their revenue to saving the rainforest. Also, a few weeks ago, you discussed the creation of a Doctor Who fan site and were coming up with pun-based names for it. What did they go for in the end? I can't believe nobody came up with wholettheblogsout.com. That's very good. I'm Sean.

And I'll tell you, great minds think alike. I remember going on holiday with a woman to Venice, and when I was in St Mark's Square I sang Who Let the Doge Out? Oh I love that. Yeah. Also on that same flight we flew we went past Luxembourg and the pilot said if you look out the left side

of the window you'll see Luxembourg and I sang past the duchy on the left hand side. Oh lovely work, Frank. She didn't get it. That's a deal breaker if she doesn't get that. You don't want that to happen on the Y2 a whole lot. I see on the way

back I could have started making arrangements. There's a PS from Sean. If Alan is ever in Cologne and fancies a Schweinshaxer... Well, he will be now. If Alan is ever in Cologne and fancies a Schweinshaxer, I would be happy to will be now. If Alan is ever in Cologne and fancies a Schweinschachse, I would be happy to take him to a great German restaurant. If you don't know what a Schweinschachse is,

as Frank would no doubt exclaim, a cosier it. That's what I'm going to say from now on. Just a cosier it. I did. I a cosiered it. It doesn't pass tense as well as Googled, does it? But a cosiered it. I did. I a cosiered it. And it's a Bavarian ham hawk so i am there i would love that it's a bit rotten bird cannibal it's it's pig it's pig knuckles isn't it yeah pig knuckles in a lovely broth i'd be all over that i'm in

i tried pig knuckles in a broth. It was dark but harmless like a goth. What's happening? That was me wrapping knuckles. Oh. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I'd like to speak about a story now that I think is actually a story about memory.

It's, if I was asked, will you speak about the dangers of nepotism on behalf of the government, I might think, hang on, have I ever given my children jobs in my companies? And James Caan, you know, one of the dragons, he forgot about that. I'm a Theodore Perficius fan myself. I've met Theo. He was nice. Have you? Yeah.

Who's your fave dragon, by the way, Frank? Oh, it's the Scottish one. Duncan Ballantyne. Oh, good. Do you remember? I watched from my flat. I could see him in his flat getting measured up for a suit. Remember that?

I do now, yeah. Ever since then, I've felt that we're bonded in some way. You said Pete Jones on walking. As you were. Well, he's my favourite billionaire, I think, yeah. Ever since then, I've felt that we're bonded in some way. Yeah, we've set huge stones on walking. As you were. He's my favourite billionaire, I think, generally speaking. Really? Yeah. They asked James Caan if he would be in this thing,

saying, oh, don't give your kids jobs, and then it turns out he's given both of his daughters jobs, technically. He claims, oh, yeah, they went up for the interview, and you think, yeah, well, which team leader is then going to phone you up and go, your daughter's not good enough, sorry, we've gone with Steve from round the corner, just a normal guy. So it's nepotism in it. What do we feel about nepotism, essentially?

Well, you know when you're away for the week, you miss all the news stories. Oh, yeah. So I must admit, I've always been anti-nepotism. And then when I had a child, I thought, well, I can see. You know, my dad got me into heavy drinking. Right. Nepotism, yeah.

Without contacts, that can be very difficult. Right. And without... Nepotism. Yeah, without contacts, that can be very difficult. Exactly. But, I mean, you know, I've already got Boz into the Umbrella Hat Society. Brilliant. If I helped Boz at this stage, would that be nipotism?

Well, actually, I was recently involved in a contract renewal dispute, and they kept saying... Well, let me settle down. This is going to be... They kept saying that you wanted Buzz to take my role on this show, and so they really haggled me hard. I took a pay cut to continue with this. I told my manager not to use that one.

And the manager's in the room. This is awkward. We had a phrase... Manager in the house! When I was growing up, we had a little phrase for that. We'd say... I mean, I'm going to come clean here. I'm no stranger to nepotism in my circles. And we used to say, where's he working? And you'd say, oh, Jeremy's working at IDB.

And that meant in Daddy's business. It was terrible. That's a good one. It was so common in your life that you had an acronym for it. Oh, my quarter house is at IDB and that meant in daddy's business. Oh. It was terrible. That's a good one. It was so common in your life that you had an acronym for it. Oh, my quarter house is at IDB. Wow. What about when I did Michael Parkinson's show and they said, we'd like to have a meeting with the producer

just to talk through, you know, the kind of topics we might go for. I said, OK, fine. They said, right, meet him at blah, blah, blah. He's called Mike Parkinson. No. That's a small world, isn't it? Change your name, love. Yeah, at least, OK, not the first name as well.

I mean, I would have put, yeah, so that was, so his son was the, was, and of course he gets mentioned in a fall song. I see. In which Marky Smith goes, Michael Parkinson's son made from coal. Which I always, one of my favourites ever. Carry on. While we're discussing the misery of James Caan, for having been exposed,

he was in misery, wasn't he, the actor, James Caan? Was he? I think so. Well, he named himself after the actor. He did, yeah. Did he name himself after him? He was with a K, K-H-A-N. Oh.

Sorry, K-H-A-N for some other listeners. I get the connection. I say I get the connection. Oh. The connection. I don't understand. Oh, French connection. Yeah, there you go.

Oh, I love that shot. Phew. When I saw the story, which I only saw this morning, yesterday, I thought, is that such a big deal that James Caan is a hypocrite? And I thought it was, I didn't realise that bloke was called James Caan. Yes. What about that for a bit of a story from my life? I think what happened was...

I just picked that up and said, Hey, there! Hey! Karen, come here a minute! Frank Skinner, I'm just saying he didn't know... You know, James, I didn't... Can I say my favourite example? I'll tell you, he's always been a bit of a git.

I'm sorry, sir. But he's embracing it now, isn't he? I am. I am. I am. I'm doing a new programme called Git Idol. Sounds good. I don't want to talk about nepotism because it's making me nervous because Frank always teases me because he's the first person I went to see

after I left university and I don't want to discuss it. Oh, it was the... It was the Director General of the BBC. That's right. Wow. We've got... You know you were talking about who sits in the stupid chair? Yes.

259 has texted Helen Flanagan. Sold! This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We have a final email for the show today that I was going to read to you. Dear Frank, lovely Emily and the Cockerel, in one of the old podcasts, Emily mentions that she doesn't believe in sleepwalking. I have to say that, unfortunately, I'm one of the people affected by this sleep disorder. My somnambulism started about seven years ago in my late teens.

I've never done anything hazardous while asleep and I often tell people funny stories about my sleepwalking, but I wish it would stop one day. Slightly sad. Me too. It's the one day, isn't it? It moves you. If I wish it would stop, it would have been all right.

One day becomes poignant. Yeah. Almost all of this nocturnal activity is quite benign and I don't even leave the bedroom, but when I'm sleepwalking I usually put on clothes or clean the area around me. Sometimes, this is

a turn up for the book, sometimes I like to sleep in our kitchen. Sometimes when I go to bed naked I wake up in my underwear. That's like the first time I went to the dentist. First time I went to the dentist. First time I went to the dentist, I was knocked out and they took six teeth out.

Are you sure you were at the dentist? I was like 14. And I went to bed that night and my underpants were on back to front. Oh, my God. Now, my first thought was that I must have done it, you know. Obviously, I must have just put them on back to front oh my god now my first thought was that i'd must have done it you know obviously i must have just put them on back to front that day but i'd never ever done it before i've never done it since i think you went to the birmingham butcher that's what happened i think

you might need to speak to the authorities um is it too late what no no not these days no once i once i woke up with all the shoes that were in my room, brackets about five or six pairs. What would you do? Is that all? Can you imagine that, Em? Five or six pairs? Can you imagine that? You animal.

Maybe she was on holiday. On my bed. In the morning, I have no recollection of doing that. Imagine if Emily put all the shoes in her room on her bed. She'd be crushed. That'd be terrible. Recently, I found some of my make-up in a half-eaten bag of breakfast cereal. I also speak English when I sleepwalk, even though it's not my mother tongue.

And I'm in denial when I sleepwalk. I keep saying that I'm not sleepwalking. My boyfriend broke up with me last week and I've been sleepwalking more than ever. This affects the quality of my sleep and makes me feel tired and sleepy during the day. If this continues, I shall have to seek medical attention. No, I'll be fine. Love to you all, Hannah from our house, which is in Denmark. No, I think you'll find it's in the middle of our street.

It's funny, it's sad, I think we need to pursue this thing. I'd like to know, just for next week, if we've got any other sleepwalkers. Sleepwalking listeners that maybe have a correction for it. I must admit, I always thought that didn't exist as well. No, I believe you now. Like hypnotism, you know, just a made-up thing. And thank you so much for listening, and if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now, get out! Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. time next week. Now get out!