The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Driving

Episode Date: July 14, 2012

Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Isy Suttie this week. They discuss driving, diva moments and the last time they each fell over.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel, Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. Hiya, this is Frank... Oh, I've said hiya, it's a bit American. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hiya, this is Frank... Oh, I've said hiya. It's a bit American.

Well, carry on. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and Katie Holmes, update, still got her own tongue. Amazing. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Before we go any further, I have to do my business. You can text

us on 81215, or you can follow us on Twitter user. At Frank on Absolute. At Frank on Absolute. Twitter user? I don't know. Sounds like an insult. Yeah, he's a right twitter user

it's like being a hater so yeah here we are and Izzy is our guest presenter this morning and before we came on air I talked about that old chestnut I suppose people always talk about when they sit around gathered on sofas

chatting and chewing the fat when's the last time you fell over the last time I fell over the last time i fell over was on new year's eve in lincoln about it's a common falling overnight yes isn't it yeah to be incorporated into the traditions like first foot first fall yeah it did happen just after midnight as well as the first fall of the new year were you intoxicated i was incredibly intoxicated it was about six years ago. And I had some absinthe. You haven't fallen

over for six years? No, this is the last. That's quite good going. I know. I just don't get that drunk anymore. Did you say you just had some acid? No, some absinthe. Absinthe. Do you know what? I was going to explain. It's eight o'clock in the morning. This is live. I'm sorry. So you've worked with me for a little too long.

I had some acid. We're all looking long. I had some absinthe. We're all looking tense. I had some absinthe and I had a WKD. I had some absinthe and it was quite a civilised dinner party, but I made... You're supposed to mix absinthe with water, aren't you? So we had it mixed with water first. I don't know, I'm not an absinthe drinker. Oh, right.

Well, it's half absinthe, half water. Can we just get out of the way of the fact that it makes the heart grow fonder? Because the pond is hanging over me like the sword of Damocles. You've got it out now. It's out. I can relax. You are supposed to mix water with absinthe. It makes it all cloudy and green. That's right, yeah. And then we had this chilli con carne in banoffee pie, and it was really civilising and a bit boring. You've got a great memory of a meal from six years ago.

I know, I know. I love banoffee pie. Oh, it's the best. It's the queen of the puddings. Isn't there a thing called queen of the puddings? Queen, yes. Is it a nightclub near your house? No, I think that's pudding of the queens. I live very near Vauxhall.

No, I think there is actually a pudding which has claimed that title officially. A Queen Pudding. I think it's Queen of the Puddings. I want to know what happened with this fall. Oh, carry on. Well, I made everyone do some absinthe straight after the banoffee pie because I felt like nothing was happening. Someone was teaching someone how to waltz in the living room and i felt like nothing was happening someone was teaching

someone how to waltz in the living room it was like half 11 i was like guys come on we used to be young and free you had absinthe and someone was teaching someone how to waltz were you were you with claude monet time machine okay um so i took everyone out on onto the streets of lincoln i was like come on let's do the conga you're in lincoln as well it was yeah um i was like let's be cool and and do the conga because that was the best thing i could think of to do yeah i do but we'd all done this straight absence just before and we have like banoffee pile curdling like in our stomach start to feel a bit sick and then i just flew i was leading the conga. I just flew.

My feet went from under me and I fell over. And loads of gravel went into my elbow. Oh, yeah, it does do that, gravel. Yeah. Yeah. It embeds. It'll live with you. It embeds.

But you don't think... I haven't thought about gravel since the 80s, I suppose, because when you're little, you look at the floor more. So you sort of notice... Well, you're nearer. Gravel. Yeah.

I thought, oh, yeah, gravel still exists and it's in my arm. It used to be a sort of sign of aff of notice gravel. Yeah. Oh yeah, gravel still exists and it's in my arm. It used to be a sort of sign of affluence gravel, the sound of tyres against the gravel drive. Yeah, the gravel drive.

Yeah. Like that wallpaper with bumps on it. But now, yeah, what was that called? Artex. Artex, yeah. Artex, yeah, that's right.

Weren't they underpants? Was that airtex? No, that was shirt styling, sports shirts. Yeah, airtex. Sports shirts were underpants? That's how long ago it was. This has all started a bit odd.

But were you badly hurt, or was it all right? Was it hospital job? No, I just went back and had some more abs. In a cong? See, if you'd been in the middle of the cong, you probably wouldn't have gone. I know, but it's because I got punished for being the leader, for trying to make a change.

That's what happens if you try and make a change. You should have just stood with the walls. I think you were working with amateurs. If I'd have been behind you, I'd have had you under the armpits and you'd never have hit the gravel. I mean, you've got to help each other in a conga. That's what it's all about. It's like a workers' co-operative in many ways.

It is. Because sometimes I've been in a conga with someone who is an unfamiliar congarist, and when you get to the mid-late, they're all right on... DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA. Because you've got the DA, so you know when to kick but when you move into na-na-na-na-na-na things go awry

do I kick now? and I help them, I just put a couple of fingers onto the back of the knee just to help them off don't take passengers though, I won't in a Conger I will, I'll carry. I've been with people in a conga whose feet have never touched the ground. And that man went on to be an Ewok.

And he's in today's paper. Stop it. That's my first celebrity story of the morning. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, as I say this morning, I'm with Emily Dean and Izzy Sooty. One boy, two little girls.

I love it. I love it. Frank, do you want to know when I last fell over? Yes. Well, it was very recently, actually. I still bear the scars. Can you guys see? Emily has got elbow scabs and knee scabs. It's a proper scab.

I don't know if you remember that picture of Tracy Shaw in a shopping trolley. Do you remember that picture? I do. It was Tracy Shaw from Coronation Street doing a promo in a supermarket shopping trolley. Do you remember that picture? I do. It was Tracy Shaw from Coronation Street doing a promo in a supermarket shopping trolley. And you could see some bruises. Yeah, on her arms and legs. Yes. I don't know what got in there. I took a tumble in my, you know, my concrete patch.

Yes. You might not be familiar with it. I'm not. I'd love to hear about it, though. Well, it's just a concrete patch, really. It's a garden, but it's very um it looks after itself if you know what i mean well exactly i was doing some gardening frank i was doing some leaf clearing and i had some promotional flip-flops on and things got a bit slimy they're always uh trepidatious promotional flip-flops rango and right what did they have the film rango did theyango. Were they lizard-shaped straps? Yes, they were lizard flip-flops.

Oh, brilliant. And I went flying. I like the idea that you fell over off some Rango flip-flops and as you lay on the floor, you looked across at the flip-flop lying on its own now and the eyes slowly blinked on it like lizard eyes. That's what I want to have happened happened did they come off when you fell did the flip-flops come off oh yeah i had no purchase on them they were cheap that's the problem that's it you fall out of flip-flops

they remain i can't walk in them is it i hate flip-flops i just can't walk in them well i'm too old for flip-flops you don't want to see feet of my age. It's disgusting. They disgust me. I have to sleep with the screen halfway down my bed in case one comes out from under the duvet at night. Terrifies me like some spectre has arrived at the end of my bed.

Phil Spector! If Phil Spector arrived at the end of my bed, I'd be genuinely upset. I once, as I may have mentioned before really upset phil specter oh i don't i did a duet with a man called mr methane who breaks wind to order and we did the do-do-ron-ron and a month or so later i got a strange phone call from an australian friend saying she'd just watched phil spect to receive a lifetime achievement towards the major awards ceremony in Australia. And the whole speech was about me and what I'd done with this duet

and how artists are treated in modern society. One of the odder episodes of my life... The good thing is it's not like it pushed him over the edge or anything. No, are you saying I'm responsible for the death of that woman? I'm responsible for the death of that woman? I'm blaming methane. Larry Maffitt, that's what he said, that I shouted Larry Maffitt just before he broke

wind, but it's not true. Frank, I know you hate Twitter. I don't hate Twitter. But we've had a tweet in. And this is from Joanna Burrows. She says, great to meet you. Does she? Great to meet you last night, Frank. Aye, aye. Cheers for the toilet photo.

Oh, God. Let me explain. Disgusting. No, I know what you're thinking. 1996? Exactly. Those days are gone. The toilet photo days are behind me. You're with child. Exactly. I was with child actually from

the only way is Essex.x no i wasn't i was i was doing a uh there's a there's a gig tv show called um set list in which you have to get up on stage and do um material based on things that just come up on a slide project oh yeah and and you don't know what's coming so you have to improvise the whole thing and there was a unisex toilet at this club oh i haven't i don't know if i've ever been in a unisex toilet before quite a new thing i suppose the one in my house is unisex but i don't think of it as such i just think of it as my toilet um it's one of the few times i can ever remember going into a toilet and saying to someone oh oh, ladies first, as I went through the toilet door.

I think once I went out with Eddie Izzard and it was, I got confused. Anyway, so I was in, this woman said to me, can I have my photo taken with you? I said, well, can I, you know, can I go into the cubicle first? She said, no, no, no. Can we have it in here? I've got it here in front of me. Are you in the toilet in this photo? We're actually in the toilet, yeah. Oh, God. We're not in the cubicle. We She said, no, no, no, can we have it in here? I've got it here in front of me. Are you in the toilet in this first? We're actually in the toilet, yeah. Oh, God. We're not in the cubicle,

we're just in the general, what I would call the public areas of the toilets. So, yeah, so that was it. How did it come out? Do you know what? It's not half bad. No, thanks very much. I always think toilet light is good for my complexion.

Yeah, so her kind of... Joanna Burrows. Joanna Burrows, her kind of calling. She seemed very nice. I like the way she calls herself Joanna and not Jo. Yeah, I think it's better, isn't it? Yeah, maybe. Because it's an old slang term for a piano as well,

so it makes her sound like she's a bit of a honky-tonk girl. Yeah. turn for a piano as well so it makes her sound like she's a bit uh honky-tonk girl yeah yes that's my first toilet story of the day what do you think i haven't told you the last time i fell over yet i want to know let's just put this i fell down some stairs on the south bank of the river thames and i had what decade was this this was um in the this would be about 2006 okay so we're safe and two friends called me that week word got out and two friends called me to see if i was all right because i'd fallen over that's when you know that you are old this is frank skinner absolute radio so i am i I did a sort of

what I'd call a dry run this week. People may not know but for every sort of, well not for every but for some TV programmes that get made people meet in studios in places and church halls and try it out. No cameras.

Just see if it works. And there's a sort of a quiz that's shown all over Europe and stuff. It's called I Love My Country. But in each country, it's called the name of the country. So it might be called I Love Holland. And sometimes it works. I Love Holland, big hit. I Love Germany, less so.

And I think there are reasons for that. And that's why you can't call it I love Britain, because you might sound a bit right-wing. Sounds a bit pitbull, doesn't it? Yeah, exactly. So it's called I Love My Country, is the idea. And it was David Walliams hosted it, and I was a team captain. Who was the other team captain?

Oh, Greg Davies. Oh, I like him. Yeah, a team captain. Oh, yeah. Who was the other team captain? Oh, Greg Davies. Oh, I like him. Yeah, he's excellent. And tall. Excellent. And excellent and tall. He's no Ewok. No.

He'd have to be sliced up to be an Ewok. In half, like a worm. More than half. I mean, you could slice him in half and do two ordinary-sized people. You could get four Ewoks out of Greg Davies. Yeah. And you could slice him in half and do two ordinary sized people. You could get four Ewoks out of Greg Davis. And you can quote me on that. So, I

tell you what, I love a quiz, and it is a quiz, but this was the most frustrating thing. Last week on the show I was talking about the fact that I'd been to an ice cream van and had a couple of Mr. Whippy classics. Oh, yeah.

Yes, I've listened to it, yeah. Thank you for doing your research. I appreciate it. I listened to it all while I was folding clothes. Listen to it folding clothes? It took me an hour to fold all the clothes on the end of our beds because it just built up into this mountain of a mixture of clean and dirty clothes. So I listened to it.

So you folded the dirty amidst the clean. I bet they look like licorice all sorts when they were stacked so that'd be really dirty for that to work with oh yeah black with filth yeah a bit piece of the wild but let's say your boyfriend's a chimney sweep that would have worked perfectly if it'd been like white shirts and then the and then yeah and he is and the pigs or a trillion minor Chilean miner. Could be Chilean miner. Or a Chilean... Are they out yet?

Yeah, I think so. I had my eye on number 28, the hot one. I think they're still coming out. I don't know. Wouldn't it be great? There was one who was having an affair, wasn't there? And his mistress and his wife both turned up. I know, I think he was the one I liked.

Yeah. But wouldn't it be brilliant if it was like one of those old films, you see, when they just keep coming out? And you think, hold on, didn't that one come out before? Marx Brothers coming out of a taxi. They should have done that. They should have set it up so you can get in at the other end. And then they could have kept it going as a tourist attraction

because they just keep coming out. With dresses and a false nose. And you could say, it'd be like being in the mousetrap. You could say, yeah, I was in the Chilean minor thing for two years. I was number seven for two years. And I just kept, you know, just down the stairs, across, up the stairs. Guest appearances, Chris Moyles, that'd be nice for him now. I don't think he'd make it in that little...

Well, I don't know, he's very slim now. Oh, he's svelter. Chris Moyles. It's almost like he's got his unemployment weight before he was unemployed. I think he only had that rant about his pay because he was so hungry. Yeah. What about that? Oh, he had some hunger.

He had hunger. Yeah. That's it, it was hunger. Anyway. Anyway, meanwhile, you're over with the Mr Whippy. So when I was talking last week with Daisy, our producer, she told me something I did not know, and I love it when people tell me things I don't know

because they so often tell me things I do. And she said that Margaret Thatcher basically was part of the team that invented a Mr Whippy ice cream. Yes, I remember us discussing that because we said she did chemistry. Yeah, so it comes out all twirly out of the thing and keeps its shape and all. It doesn't melt. And then in this quiz, I was asked, can you believe it's the sort of thing you dream about? I was asked that very thing in the quiz.

You are joking. No. I was asked what famous confectionery was Margaret Thatcher part of the... Oh, you got the right answer, of course. I couldn't believe it. I was so thrilled when I said choc-ice. Why? I don't know where it came from.

Why did you do that? I don't know. You knew the answer. I don't know. Oh, man, it's nagged at me ever since. And this was a dry run, remember. But funnily enough enough when i did this thing set list the other night where i had my photo i took in the toilet incidentally um richard herring

was doing it oh yeah and he did a celebrity mastermind and he was telling me on celebrity master he did very well he broke the record the most points a celebrity has ever got on celebrity mastermind and then the next celebrity up broke it again and beat him by one point. And he said two of the questions he got wrong, he knew the answer to. And he said, honestly, he thought he might have had post-traumatic finger.

It still wakes him up in the middle of the night. Why didn't he get those questions right? What was his subject? His subject was Gregor Rasputin. He did a proper hard one. He didn't do like EastEnders or whatever. No. And you know, he said to their credit there was not a Boney M reference in any of the

questions. I thought they'd start with that. Oh yeah, I would have thought that. You know the ramp at the beginning when you get people going into it easy. Yeah. So Mylene Clast did Sex in the City. No, no, Mylene Clast did Sex and the City. No, no, Mylene Clast did Sex and the City Series 2. On Celebrity Mastermind. Is that fair? My sister went speed dating once and the guy sat opposite her and went,

what Sex and the City character would you be if you could... And my sister just went, no. No. Well, if only all relationships, you could spot the trouble coming that soon. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, I was, because when you do a dry run,

you have to get guests in as well to try. Oh, yeah. Do you remember Brian, who won Big Brother? Brian Bello. Brian Bello, yeah. Do you remember Brian who won Big Brother? Brian Bello. Brian Bello, yeah. Series 8. Yeah, oh. You always get that.

Now, any Big Brother person that appears in the media will get in brackets after their series. That's going to be my celebrity mastermind topic. Big Brother Series 8. I thought you meant Brian Bello. That would be good. Brian Bello sort of... What made him famous was that he didn't know who Shakespeare was.

Somebody referred to Shakespeare and he didn't know who he was. Really? No, he said... They talked about Romeo and Juliet and he said, oh, isn't he off so solid, crew? Well, I think he thought that William Shakespeare directed the film. That's it, yeah. But he has that sort of street...

He has the street intelligence. You know, he's an Essex jet lad, so he's not a fool by any means. I bet he knows how to do loads of stuff like... Exactly, but let's not go into what he knows how to do. But there was a brilliant moment where they had cards and they had to communicate.

You know that game when you have to communicate what's on the card but not say any of the words? It's time-armed. And because the thing's about Britain, they had to communicate a national treasure of some kind. It could be a person, you know, like Dame Betty Booth, right? Or it could be anything that's particularly associated with Britain.

So the first clue he gave me, he said, right, surfing. Surfing. And I thought, what's that going to be, Nuki? I wouldn't call it a national treasure exactly. You know, it's a nice play. And then he said, those sort of floral necklaces things that you wear, floral necklaces and grass skirts. And I thought, this is a British national treasure.

Anyway, it turned out that the answer was The Hay Wain by John Constable. Well known. Painted. And Brian had read it as Hawaii. Oh, God bless him. But, um, I got it as well. I got that

I didn't get Mr Whippy even though I'd been told it the week before and who else did you have there? there was Mrs British Battleaxe who's that? that's what Christine Hamilton has changed her name to by deed poll

she's officially called Mrs British Battleaxe I'm not sure I think it might have been a publicity stunt By Depol. Yeah. She is officially called Mrs British Battleaxe. I'm not sure. I think it might have been a publicity stunt. Yeah? Yeah. That would be uncharacteristically. I don't think she's on the Witness Protection Programme. Don't think Maxine Carr changed her name to...

No, I hope not. But, yeah, so she is now officially Mrs British Batlax. And she was... Was she with you and Greg then? She was very good on geography, British geography. Oh, yeah. And it's great because the programme goes out at 6.30 on a Saturday is the idea, should it ever be made.

Yeah. So everything was very squeaky clean and it was lovely. It was like living in a lovely, innocent world. Like David Walliams said to Mrs British Batish batlax right where is cockamouth and we just talked about cumbria and i to me just felt like a happier place to live in i wish life could be like that all the time obviously my career would have been a bit more um low key but nevertheless i don't think you'd have you'd quite have that view no probably not did you keep forgetting to call her mrs british like when you meet the queen and you go i just

called her brit i think it's i know her well enough now to call her brit i want a friend of mine uh in wolverhampton uh knew a guy who he worked with who changed his name as part of some radio competition he changed his name to darth vader and radio competition. He changed his name to Darth Vader. And he said to me, you're a big Star Wars fan. He said, not really. It's not very expensive, I don't think, to change your name.

No, no. You can do it on a whim. No, I'm amazed you've stuck with Izzy Sutty. I don't know. I changed it to Izzy Sutty. Oh, did you? No. It used to be Izzy Sweet.

I thought that was Izzy Sue. How many Sutty jokes have you heard over the years. Oh, did you? No. I used to be Izzy Sweet. I thought I was Izzy Sue. How many Sooty jokes have you heard over the years? Oh, so many. Especially because Isabel Necessary on a bike used to get.

And then Izzy Wizzy Let's Get Busy is what they used to say on the Sooty shows. It was like a double whammy. Oh, wow. Well, we've just had one in on Twitter.

If Izzy married her chimney sweet boyfriend she'd be Izzy Sooty. Yeah, to be fair that is clever because we invented the chimney sweet boyfriend for the year. Yeah, to be fair, that is clever, because we invented the chimney-sweet boyfriend. We do, yeah, it is clever. Let's move on.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Have we heard from the outside world? We have, Frank. Twitter, our Twitter friends. Oh, yeah. Michael Hula. Our followers.

Oh, very good, Frank. Huh? Lovely. Lovely and useful. Don't think I'm completely out the loop. I call it fans, not followers. Yeah, okay. Michael Hula says,

Hi, Frank. Queen of Puddings consists of a bread and butter pudding-like base topped with jam and meringue. Wow. There you go. See why it's called the Queen of the Puddings? Because it's brought together the very best of the other puddings. I would say so. I'd have called it the pudding greatest hits.

I would call it, now that's what I call puddings. That's how much I love it. That'd be brilliant. But now they'd be like, now that's what I call puddings 35, which would be a slightly different version of it, with bananas. Oh, that's clear. Well, that's a definitive answer. Yes.

OK, excellent. I knew there was one called the Queen of Puddings. There you go. And there's a King Edward Potatoes. That's just a word. They're less tasty. Yeah, well, I mean... Food with King...

I don't want to go through all the monarchy-based food stuff. We'd be here all day doing that. No, I can't think... Is there a prince? Is there a prince in anything? I'm just thinking that. I think you're going to say a prince and it's not a food stuff.

Am I? Yes, you are. I'll tell you later. OK, I don't know what you're talking about. OK, good. Also, FYI, Frank, it's £40 to change your name by deed poll. £40?

Yeah. Not doing it. OK. There are people that do it, Frank, it's £40 to change your name by deed poll. £40? Yeah. I'm not doing it. OK. There are people that do it apparently because they have ridiculous names that they get teased about for their whole lives and then there's what they call... Britt was telling me on the show. Britt, British, battle axe.

She was saying what they call the Saturday night deed poll crowd, who people who get drunk and change their name to, you know, silly things. Like, well, Mrs British Battleaxe, par exemple. OK, anything else to clear up the air techs, art techs? I've had a couple of techs about that.

Have we had art techs? There are techs now. Oh, about that. Artex? There are texts now. Oh, lovely work. Or are they there, texts? Lovely. Okay. I think they're ours, really. The transaction's taken place. They're in our inbox.

That's it. Marky the Plasterer says, Artex is a textured finish. Anna Glypta is textured wallpaper. No, Anna Glypta was the woman I went out with in the 90s no she wasn't anaglypta is something that my keith i think worked in the decorating business for a while i did you know i'd never known that about keith he worked in the in the decorating business in the 70s and he still got a bit of paint in his hair anyway um he uh he used to bring back rolls of anaglypti for me to draw on.

He used to bring back paper that was scrap ends for me to draw on. In those days, all paper was based on something for the kids to draw on. Leave that for the kids to draw on. That's what it was like. But anaglypti is lumpy, as this guy says. It's raised. And it was really hard to draw on. Really, unless you were doing a relief map.

Yeah. It was a waste of time. So, yeah, and a glipter. I wonder if people still have that on their wall. Because the trouble is, you'd put it on your wall, but if you leaned on it and stuff, it'd be like a burst blister. It'd be flattened sections. Oh, yes, that's right.

I used to press it when I was a kid. It was like popping, you know, that stuff that you press. It was the early bubble wrap. Yeah, it was. It was like... It was mute bubble wrap, is what it was. But if you think of mute bubble wrap, what's the point? No, the noise is half of the joy, isn't it? Oh, well, I'd say four-fifths.

So that's today's texting. What percentage of the joy of bubble wrap is sound? We've heard from the outside world, Frank. Again. I love it, because one can get claustrophobic in this tiny studio in Golden Square. We've got cakes today, they're lovely. Oh, no.

Brilliant. This is... It's Emily's birthday this week. I think it was Claire Grogan who said, Happy birthday, happy birthday. That doesn't sound like claire grogan uh this is matty from lewisham okay he says i was listening to a recent podcast when frank was talking about underpants oh could you please i know my my sentiments entirely yeah could you please tell Frank that his passion for Calvin classics inspired me to buy some from Lewisham Market? Let me stop him right there.

As he needs to know what they are. Calvin classics are boxer shorts that are made to look a bit like they might be made by Calvin Klein, but they are made by probably people in the third world who aren't being paid much money. I don't know that for certain. But anyway, they're a pretend pant. Well, Matty says they're amazing.

Four quid for three, what a bargain. That is true. That's £1.30 a stride. That's pretty good. It's true. I mean, I bought them initially more for alliteration than elastication. What's their endurance like though?

What happened to mine, if you recall, I think I told you this, is that they came away from the waistband. How many times have you worn them? I've worn them a few. I'd worn them probably, I mean I've got my money's worth, but you get your money's worth if you just use them like disposable contact lenses, wear them once

and throw them away. Like a wrap-up. Just get rid of them when they're scratchy. Which I find can take a week before they start to cut. But yeah, they were just hanging by a thread. So they were barely touching the elastic band. They looked like they were separate garments. It reminded me of another time when I fell over and I grabbed the curtain to save myself.

And the curtain was just hanging by one ring. And that's what my pants look like. I'll leave you with that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily Dean and Izzy Sutty.

Come on, let's do it one more time. One boy. Sing it, King. Two little girls. Oh, Elvis Presley from Kissing Cousins there, a film when he plays his own cousin. And himself. Yeah, he doesn't just play his own cousin. And himself? Yeah, he doesn't just

play his own cousin. What kind of a casting would that be? At least you play your own cousin, Elvis. I don't know, how does that work? What do you mean, like Elvis, I'm a character and that's their cousin but they don't appear in it? Why even talk about that character? I love it. Do you know, I fancy Elvis so

much that when Frank does the voice, I'm a bit funny. I'm friends with an Elvis impersonator you're friends with Elvis yeah I'm friends with Elvis he talks to me every night no I'm friends with a guy called Mike Bobbins who is a stand-up and an Elvis impersonator

he's got loads of outfits that have been specially made for him with rhinestones on and stuff like that lovely it's very impressive I'm not a fan of the Elvis impersonator aren't you no

I'll go further well that's a conversation ender. Thanks for that, Frank. I'll bring you out to dinner with me next time. No offence against your friend, but no, I don't like him. It has to be the real deal or nothing. Yeah. Why does Elvis have to get that?

Is there going to be loads of Whitney impersonators? It has to be the real deal. That seems a bit draconian. He's not around. Well, no, that's it. Let's just accept that. Yeah. What next, cryogenics

you can text us at 8 12 15 or you can tweet at frank on absolute thank you I've been reading about Chris Moyles

leaving radio one oh it's a big radio when you work in radio that is the kind of news that shakes the planet it really is do you know Lizzie Frank's known as never mind British Battle Axe, Mr Radio.

Exactly. In radio circles. It's true. And just in case you doubt that, Izzy. Hello, Mr Radio. You see, many, many of my phone messages begin, that are left on my, what are my what are they called answer phones an answer often spelled ansa lovely because why hang around i love an answer phone hang around for the silent letters that's what i always say it's very rockford files and answer phone

people all over the country are running out for an ice cream, but that was my impression of the Rockford Files theme. So, what did you make of it, Izzy? James, go on. Well, I like Grimmie. I think he looks a bit like Russell Kane. Grimmie? Yeah, don't you? Who is that?

Nick Grimshaw. I'd never heard of Nick Grimshaw before. Oh, hadn't you? To be honest. Lovely. Is that wrong of me? Well, I'll tell you what he is. He wears those, what I call, infertility jeans. You know, the very skinny... before oh yeah to be honest lovely is that wrong of me well i'll tell you what he is he's one he

wears those what i call infertility jeans you know they're very skinny yes they are genuinely apparently causing infertility i know yeah well i um yeah i had to stop wearing them to uh to get myself back on track back on track yeah i'm uh i'm wearing a sort of MC Hammer pantaloon at the moment. It's done the job, lovely. Yeah, it did, it worked. It's all about temperature down there. Someone needs to tell old Grimy. Is it Grimers?

Is it Grimey or Grimmy? He wears pointy shoes as well. This is Nick Grimshaw we're talking about. It can't be Grimey, can it? Because otherwise his surname would be Grimshaw. In case you don't know this story, Chris Miles is leaving The Breakfast Show on Radio 1 and he's being replaced by somebody called Nick Grimshaw,

which is a bit of a coincidence because I used to do... When I first came to London, I used to do a bit of driving and I used to drive a lot of the DJs at Radio 1 and I was replaced by a grim rickshaw. How history repeats itself. That's really good. Well I don't know anything about him but I saw the one

picture I've seen of him this week. He's wearing designer knitwear and he's sitting on a balcony with Kate Moss and I'm thinking oh good man of the people. He likes a pointy, he's one of the pointy shoe brigade as well. Do you know what I mean by that? There, he's one of the pointy shoe brigade as well. Do you know what I mean by that? There's a hint of a young, young dot cotton about him as well.

Not so young, but that's another story. Do you think she did a programme? 27. She did a... Sorry. 27. I'm sure, I'm sure. What's he called? The Grime Store.

I'm saying, what's he called? What's his nickname? The Grime Store. The Grime Store. Grimmy? No, what's his nickname? The Grime Store. The Grime Store. Grimmy. Grimmy is his nickname. Or Grimey. What's he called?

No, I meant his nickname. I know now he's not. I mean, Radio 1 isn't for me. That's the whole point. That's why Chris Miles had to go. It's not for the likes of me. No, it's for people who are 27. It's for youth.

Although the average age of a Radio 1 listener is the same as the average age of an Absolute Radio listener, apparently. Oh, is it? Or is it 32? Is that our average age? Do you know what? I'm surprised we didn't get the call. We're the youth offensive of Absolute. Our show is. No, I think we're just offensive.

To youth. The fact that we're on is offensive to youth, I think, is the idea. Our average listener is 38, Frank. Oh, that's right, 38. 38 in a black T-shirt and Dunlop flash. Have you got any advice for grimy? As far as, well, get your name put about a bit more. And get some friends that aren't quite so alienating.

Yeah. What, like me? No. Yeah, exactly. And, you know, be seen with a few people in soaps and that sort of stuff. Some people think you're attainable. Yeah, yeah.

Because, I mean, a balcony... The fact that he was raised with Kate Moss, sort of hammered home, symbolically hammered home, that he was above the crowd. Yeah. You know, he's with one of the great British beauties. Mrs British Beauty, I think she's now called. What's he going to play first song, though, you see?

Yeah. Because Chris Evans has waded in there. What was Chris Evans' first song? Well, he's not a fan of Chris Moore. Oh, Beatles. Oh, of course, yeah. Yeah. Chris Evans isn't a fan of Chris Moyles?

No, he doesn't like him. I'm going to have to stop you here, because we're going to have to have some music. That's quite the thing. We'll come back to... Oh, all right, Grimmers. To, um... Yeah, Dick Grimble.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio So Frank, we were discussing Grimace A Grimace? No Why do you refuse to acknowledge this man's existence? Mr Grimshaw

Mr Grimshaw It's called Nick Grimshaw He's 27. It's Grimsdale, isn't it, with Norman Whistler? Well, it's near enough, isn't it? Yes. That's what I'm doing. Very good.

If he's listening, I apologise. I mean, it's not... I'm sure... I just asked during the thing... He won't be listening. He won't be up yet. Is he... No, he'll probably be around Kate's, won't he?

He might still be up from last night. He's going to have to get used to an early start, though. Probably sleeping in just a tank top. Not even a Calvin Classic. Not even a Calvin... He wouldn't touch a Calvin Classic, I don't think. He's the sort that would have a mug of water by his bed, couldn't be bothered to clean a glass.

Yeah, and it'll be Radio 1 mug. No, I apologise for not knowing who he was. That's my own ignorance. Because everyone here knew who he was, didn't you? You all knew. He seems to be friends with him. Well, I met him once and he was very nice. I think he looks like Russell Kane.

And I like Russell Kane, so when I meet someone who looks like someone I like, I sort of view them as friend, not foe. Oh, that's an interesting way of looking at it. Because they do say if you take an instant dislike to someone and you can't work out why, often they physically remind you of someone who you had good reason to not like, e.g.

the school bully. Is that right? Oh, so it's like an instinctive reaction. It's a deep rooted, yeah. So Chris Moyles, he's got somewhere to go to though hasn't he I don't know

He has because he's doing that show isn't he He's going to be Herod King Herod Massacre of the Innocents lovely So he's quit Radio 1 for his musicals work Who would ever thought We'd say that about Chris Moyles Also I didn't realise

He'd lost loads and loads of weight Is it like i've lost it for a part the idea that herod is quite thin he's always stressed it's not mentioned in the bible is it herod's weight um i also i don't know about you but when fat people lose a lot of weight particularly celebrities i always feel a bit let down i feel let down with anyone fat loses weight if I've got a mate I I have a friend who used to be quite fat and he lost loads of weight and I was like oh no you're like the jolly one yeah yeah yeah it's all an act you see they go home and

think I didn't look like this and that I think that's um that's poor I I feel really let down by it it feels like it was all it was all fake yeah you've got to stick to it if you're gonna well he did it he did it for telly didn't oh did he is that what well i believe so i think he looks better being as well they always look a bit drawn when they lose the weight don't they they look like they've been deflated i don't know who you can be thinking of no well there's all sorts of uh all sorts of people who look like that when they lose weight. My friend once ate the fat one who's not fat anymore, ate a whole string of sausages, still all tied together.

Cooked or raw? Cooked. OK. Oh, don't sound shocked. Frank eats raw sausages. I did not used to eat raw sausages. I don't eat them raw anymore. And at least I did separate them.

I don't like it when they're all on the one, when they're connected. Don't you? I do. You would eat them connected. I would if I could eat... I can't really eat more than two or three sausages in one sitting, but... No, but you can still... That's still two connections you could enjoy.

Yeah, I'm going to do that too. What you're working on is a sausage conga. No, I don't. I always separate separate them especially i i what the trouble is i haven't i have three on a sandwich right three saucy song yeah and if you don't separate them um the the second the middle one has to lie vertical it's like a tent pole it's like zorro if you can imagine if Zorro worked in a shop that made sausage sandwiches.

I mean, not when he's got his mask on, but say if Zorro had a day job. Not with a cape, I hope. No, but imagine when he turns up at the shop and they don't know he's Zorro because that's why he wears the mask. And when he makes

the sausage sandwiches, instinctively, because there's three joined together, he forms the Z. That's my situation. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some great texts about bubble wrap.

Yeah. All of them say that the sound is, you know, of minimal pleasure. Really? To me, it's everything. Well, those people might as well work in a burns unit. They could be getting that same popping thing. Texture. One of them says, bubble wrap is all about the feel,

pushing and pushing until the pressure releases below your finger. Ah. And then you want to do it all again. Filthy beast. That's a... You can get that with a blister. When I went on a walking holiday and I had to... I pierced my blisters with a needle and cotton.

Did you? Yeah, because... And what's 1923? The needle pierces them. As you drag the cotton through, it soaks up the fluid. Does it? Yeah. That's a little tip for anyone who's going on a walking holiday this summer.

OK? I didn't know why you had the cotton. I thought you'd just do some sewing at the same time. Louis. Does it? Yeah. That's a little tip for anyone who's going on a walk-in holiday this summer. Okay? I didn't know why you had the card. I thought you'd just do some sewing at the same time. No, I don't. My sewing days are behind me. I've got a pair of trousers that the button came off two years ago, and I haven't worn them since because the button's off. Do you know, Frank, I'm quite good at darning.

I'll do those for you. You'll do my... I'll bring in my trousers. Yes! No, you'll take them to Jean-Paul Gaultier. And then you'll invoice me for two grand for putting a button on. OK, I'll bring them in for you to put a button... Will you do it on air? I'd love to do that. I like the idea of you sitting in one corner.

Maybe you could do a sampler for me. I've washed his smalls before. Have you? Yeah. Yeah, she did in Edinburgh. I think there was a pair of Calvin Classics in there. I think there was. I hope you didn't rent them from their elastic belt.

Because I know you can get very impatient when you're ringing. Oh, I can. So your walking days are behind you now, of course, is it? Yeah. Because you're on the road. I'm on the road. I'm learning to drive in Elephant and Castle, where I live, which is quite a rough area of south london which i love is it rough it's got a great shopping center it is quite rough in it there's a lot of like tunnels that you shouldn't really

walk through after dark but i do love it it's true of all tunnels i think it's becoming gentrified more gentrified is it true that um the reason it's called Elephant and Castle is... Do you know why it's called Elephant and Castle? Have you heard any theories? Is it because there used to be an elephant and a castle there? Well, that would be too literal. No, it's because Andrew Castle used to live there. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, and he lived there with somebody called Ellie... Fancy. No, apparently, this is what I heard, is that one of the kings, it might have been Henry VIII, you know Henry VIII, but was any of the Henry wives... Why are you getting cockney?

Were they also the Enfants de Castile? Oh, your Spanish types you're talking about. Maybe not. Anyway, some king brought over to marry a woman called... Oh, that was types you're talking about. Maybe not. Anyway, some king brought over to marry a woman called... Oh, that was his dad, maybe. Oh, maybe. Brought over the Enfant de Castile. And she lived in a house opposite where St Paul's is now, in London.

And the locals couldn't say the Enfant de Castile, so they called her the Elephant and Castle. I didn't know that. That's incredible. That's what I've heard. It might not be true. I mean't know that. That's incredible. That's what I've heard. It might not be true. I mean, I've said wrong things before. Yes.

I'll vouch for that. We all just pause there where we all think about what those wrong things were. I passed my theory the other day on a hangover, so I just passed by one. She wasn't a flyover.

So you get your theory before you do your practical. You have to have your theory. We have to do an exam these days i have no idea no we didn't have to do that back in the day seeing in we used to just drive and then at the end of the thing they'd ask you um to identify things like um traffic signs and questions like that and it was all yeah i wish it was still like that it is hard enough it's hard learning in london because i'm from thelands, and I had a few lessons there, and it was quite idyllic.

And now it is definitely more aggressive learning down here. But I've got a female driving instructor, and she's great. She's like, we're really Essex. She doesn't say anything. So the other day, I went from second into reverse while I was turning right. So I went to go to first. Very professionals. What was the...

I wish we had the sound effect of that on the desk. Oh, so do I. How did that sound? It sounded like,. Yeah. And the car just sort of stopped. And then I, she goes, why did you do that? And I went, I don't know. And she went, it'd be all right. She's great.

Is that what she said? She goes, it'd be all right. I like that. She's gonna keep your car. She's really chilled out. She lets me work keep you calm. She's really chilled out. She lets me work it out myself. She goes, they can wait for you. They learned once, didn't they? She's only about 40.

I actually love her. Yeah, she's really cool. She's called Sue. Of course she's called Sue, Izzy. I'm going to play what I think the sound effect would be like of going into reverse from second. It's not that message when I was hungover, is it? No. Okay. It's from my

sci-fi sound effects app. Okay. Right. Sometimes I've done this, this particular sound effect. Sometimes I'll go into a toilet cubicle. What? If there's people in the toilet, and this is what I play. Okay. if there's people in the toilet, and this is what I play.

The poison has gone mad. Yeah. So shall we hear that one more time? It's worth hearing twice, I think. So try this. You can get this a free app and you go to spaceship flybys you go into the cubicle wait till there's a few people outside no okay brace yourselves ah so little things in life, isn't it?

I'm going to put myself back on airplane mode because I don't want anyone calling me mid-show. No. Why call me when you can tweet me on Frank on Absolute? No, not on Frank on Absolute. At Frank on Absolute. What I did then, I thought I'm just going to go... Just throw myself at Twittering it was seamless so when when's your test I'm not saying that in a sarcastic manner in which you say that to other

motorists but when genuinely is your test we haven't we haven't booked yet I think it'll be well I've been learning since January so the other day she went you will have been learning for a year if we don't book the test soon I was like oh yeah all right but um I think I'll try and do it before the end of the year. The other day we were going past this place in Elephant and it's a housing estate and years ago these art students poured some kind of substance all over it

all over all the things within the flats because they were all condensed like washing machines and stuff. They were all covered with all these crystals and it was brilliant and you could go in and look and it was just really cool. And we were going past and I was like, oh Sue, I went to this and i told her about it and there was this

and she just went was it free no we're very different but i love you absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio We're on about... Is he our guest presenter today? He's learning to drive at the moment. You haven't put him for your test yet. No. Don't be sheepish. I am being sheepish.

I just want to stay with Sue the whole time. I said to her the other day, can I just drive with you the whole time? She went, no, one day you'll have to do it on your own. It's a scary... She's not wrong. If you had the money, you could hire Sue. Not as a sort of

a nearly chauffeur. Someone who just sits in the car with you when you drive. I'd just like to make sure she didn't have to be back to watch. She really loves Holby and Casualty so I don't know if she'd come on long journeys with me. No one has to work 24-7. She could have soap time. She could have a TV

in the car. Have a little screen. She's got those emergency pedals do they still have those yeah oh yes she had to use the other day when i waved the pedestrian across and then accelerated oh yeah well i um i i do that anyway out of choice to be honest on my first test i knocked someone over on a zebra crossing. It's true. It is absolutely true. And I still did my theory at the end of it.

Thinking to myself, when he started asking me to recognise road signs and stuff, I thought, maybe I've still passed him. Because you don't have to get everything right. It doesn't have to be 100% to pass. Yeah. I think that probably meant me... Fatalities don't help. No everything right. It doesn't have to be 100% to pass. Yeah. I think that probably made me... Fatalities don't help. No, well, it wasn't. And he only went up over the bonnet a bit.

What? Over the bonnet? And then the instructor said, I'd better take your phone number. And the bloke said, No, I don't want to get involved. Just FYI, whenever an instructor has to say that to someone during your test,

you've probably failed. That probably is true. They want to take you for a drink. Well, I kissed my examiner. And I liked it. Is this the less successful first draft of the Katy Perry hit? It's my follow-up single. And I was so excited.

And he had a sort of slightly late 80s blouson jacket on. Oh. And my necklace caught in it. We were sort of stuck together. I went, oh, sorry, sorry. It's almost like fate was telling you that you should be together forever. Did you kiss him in the car? Yeah.

Oh, God, I didn't know where that was going. You kissed him in the car. I think that's all right. Yeah, I don't want to lean across a gear stick for a first kiss. No, I didn't kiss him like that. It was a showbiz gesture. Oh, OK. He got what sort of person I was very quickly.

So you didn't pass that time, I'm assuming. No, I didn't. And then the next time I did what they call a crash course, ironically, is when you have a load of lessons in one week and take your test at the end, and then I passed that. That's the way to do it. the end and then i pass that that's the way to do it because you forget so second time that's the way to do it i think i've stolen that catchphrase from mr punch that's yeah you can use that nick if you're listening it's your catchphrase sue says that crash courses don't work um because they you absorb all the information and then it's like revising

for an exam the night before. You can't remember it a month later. No, but that's alright. You're free then. I totally agree with you, Frank. You don't care how you drive after that. Oh, God, I'm a terrible driver. So am I. It's all about passing. I think people need... Sorry, go on. So when I got back

in the car after I'd passed, my instructor was sitting there. Did you lean across and kiss him? No, I didn't. He wasn't that kind of guy. And I was very excited. And I said, it's great news, isn't it? He said, oh, yeah, it's great news. Another dodgy driver on the road.

I thought it was a bit brutal. Yeah, a bit Clarkson. Yeah. I think people need walking lessons. I've realised this. I got really nervous about driving initially, and then I thought, it's fine, at Clarkson. Yeah. I think people need walking lessons. I've realised this. I got really nervous about driving initially, and then I thought, it's fine, it's just like walking. Like, when you're walking, you wouldn't cut in on someone's path,

and you wouldn't suddenly stop. I wish that was true. Yeah, everyone does do that. People on mobiles, people with maps, just stop dead in the middle. It's the equivalent of just doing an emergency stop. And people walk so slow. So slow.

And I don't just mean the elderly. I can forgive them. I'm on about the people in between the very young and the very old. Walk so in your way. People are always in my way. What I'd like is a sort of a caliper on my left leg, say, which has got like a sort of side clamp, so I could walk in and then lock their leg onto mine

and force them into a three-legged race for, say, 500 or 600 metres just to show them that they can walk a lot quicker than they think they can walk. Honestly, it's the most... And I associate it with intelligence. The slower you walk, the more stupid you are. Unless you're old or disabled. Phew! Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm disabled. What about the parking thing?

Oh, yes. That's a bit sexist, isn't it? The parking thing. Yes, I heard about this. So the idea, there's this mayor in Germany, it's in the Black Forest, isn't it? And he said there are going to be different symbols for men and women, special parking spaces for women,

which are easier to park in. Well, bigger, basically. Yeah, bigger, yeah. They're wider, aren't they? Yeah. I think it's great. I mean... Well, I agree as well,

because I think we lack spatial awareness as women. Well, I just think even... I think I'm quite good at manoeuvres, but I still think... Manoeuvres, yeah. Yeah. That's what Sue says. Let's not talk about me and my driving exam, now.

No. Do you know what? I'm quite a good parker, though. Oh, yeah? It's one of my skills. Well, I'm a rubbish parker. Can I have your bay? Yeah, please do.

I should be held, because I'm just a rubbish driver generally speaking i don't see why women should get the benefit as if in the stereotype you want the actual fact do you think that they're going to stop men from parking those spaces though or do you think i think that's the idea that they're female only so spark parking in a you know a disabled space you could get done for it but if you dressed as a woman it'd be all right you have to have a well no you have to have a sticker to prove you're a woman, I think, on the car. The pink. You have to have pink cars.

All the women in Germany have to drive pink cars. I liked it. Can I tell you, there was something I particularly liked about this story, which was the mayor... I read the story and I liked it. Was this the third time? They get less sensual as they go on. It's hard. It's like Harry Potter. I can't keep coming up with go on. It's hard.

It's like Harry Potter. I can't keep coming up with magical things. No, exactly. The mayor, I like his name, Mayor Galastrobel, he said, listen to this, he said, I never expected this reaction. I'm not doing an accent. It's German.

I don't know if it's allowed, but I don't care. You can do German, I think. OK. I never expected this reaction. No, I say you can do German. OK. Oh, God, he's accurate um i've been on the phone all day the tv will come the tv will come he's buying a plasma i don't know why he brought that up i once i had a mate who uh said when i

lived in birmingham he said um let's go to uh oxford for the day he says lovely place walk around you know i said great i've never really been to oxford and you know i was quite excited about it and he did the driving uh i don't know if i drove in those days anyway so he um he drove us there and it's it was quite hard to park i mean there wasn't no it was really we couldn't find a park we drove around for about 10 minutes couldn't find a parking... We drove around for about ten minutes, couldn't find a parking space, and he suddenly had an absolute road rage, punched the ceiling, started swearing a lot and shouting about parking.

Was it every bad deal? No. And he drove us straight back to Birmingham. We never stopped. I did a drive-by tourism. never stopped. I did a drive-by tourism. So, I mean, that's parking

gone wrong. Yeah. Oh, that's excellent. He was an eccentric. Cut his own hair. It's always, I think anyone who cuts their own hair, give them a bit of distance. Yeah, he's a very fine fellow. Frank, we've had an email in regarding old Ma Murray.

Judy? The mother of Andy Murray. This is from Nugget. He's one of our regulars. He says, morning, Mr Radio, Gemma Lee and Izzy. Yeah? He's already down with the new posse. Yeah.

Yeah. What did you make of Andy Murray's tear-a-thon? Do you all subscribe to the bless-oh-isn't-he-a-gallant-loser school of thought, or do you, like me, think he was blubbing because he was just plain scared of the tongue-lashing he was going to get from old Ma Murray? Well, yeah. Do you think she does that? Do you think she's the one who gets you in there and says, what on earth? Because his coach is Ivan Lendl. And Ivan Lendl, apparently his dad used to tie him to a post in the garden to make him practice.

Really? But, so he's coming from that strictness place. What I really liked about the emotional speech is he did that, you know, this is not going to be easy because I... And then he cried. And it was really, it was honestly... It was very moving. I'm not that interested in tennis. But there was a tear in my eye, it was really sad. And then they went over to Roger Federer and he says,

I think you will win maybe one grand completely ruined a terrible reality check that shook the nation in a classic sort of swiss clockwork like accuracy it was so moving i wish i'd been there oh i was well we'll certainly come back to that frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio this is frank skinner on absolute radio with emily dean and izzy sooty and relax you can text us on 8 12 15 or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. Very good, darling. Somebody said say user.

No, you did it very nicely. So you were telling us about how you were watching Wimbledon on telly. So tell us more about that. Because you were there. Yeah, I was there. That's brilliant. To be there for the men singing. It was the hot ticket. That's the glamour one.

Everybody wanted to be for that. I know. And I got it. Well, it was via a celebrity friend, obviously. Yes. Yeah, I didn't think you'd queued. In a plastic poncho. Can you imagine it? But I did it in style this time, I have to say.

I got ushered. I love being ushered. I got ushered into, I would call it the player's lounge, but actually they call it competitor's cafe. There's a sign outside. It's like a normal canteen, except it's filled with celebrity tennis players. Wowee. So I saw Martina, and she was with a friend.

I always used to really fancy Martina. Yeah, I can see why. I think that was the very epit. Yeah, I can see why. I think that was the very epitome of barking up the wrong tree. She had a lovely friend with her. Good. It's good because when she was on I'm a Celebrity, I think there was an air of loneliness about Martina.

No, she didn't look lonely. She talked, I think, about not having friends. She did not look lonely. And then Old Ma Murray. I saw Old Ma Murray in the lonely. She talked, I think, about not having friends. She did not look lonely. And then Old Ma Murray. I saw Old Ma Murray in the flesh. She got in there. She's not a competitor. Nor was she ever. Do you know, she seemed rather sweet up close and personal.

Oh, did she? Well, I suppose she's less tense. She didn't at any point go, come on! No, she clutched her throat and went, oh, I'm so nervous. Did she really? Did she? Yes, she was very nervous. How went, oh, I'm so nervous. Did she really? Did she? Yes. She was very nervous. How lovely.

The sweet side of Judy Murray. I liked it. If she was my mum, I would have been much better behaved, I think, than I was. Yeah? I would have been scared. She looks a bit like Mrs. British Battleaxe, I think. I think, you know, like the Williams is dad. Yes.

I think I'd have been a very different child if he'd have been my dad. But in many ways, actually. I saw, can I tell you more celebrities I saw? Yeah, go on. I saw Kim Sears in the toilet. I don't know who that is. Hey, she doesn't dye her hair, does she? Angie Murray's girlfriend.

Oh, that's Kim Sears, I'd say. And she was doing last minute touches. She shouts, come on, a lot. The whole of them, that's all they ever do. It's go, come on! Oh, no. Come on, you need to, and there's no variety. No.

Andy Murray should occasionally go, come on, come on then. Come on! You need to... And there's no variety. No. Andy Morris should occasionally go, come on. Come on, then. Yeah, but, Frank, I found myself shouting when I was there. Did you shout, come on? I said, come on, Andy. Come on, Andy. You never shouted that. I did shout, come on, Andy.

Oh, how embarrassing. I know. In front... And what are the celebrities? In front of Marvin from JLS and Rochelle from the Saturdays, who've become really good friends of mine now. Wow, excellent. I sat next to them.

You're a pop queen. I know. But what was weird about... Notice I went for Quinn, I didn't go for the cake pong. But there were some children behind us. Children, you say? Well, we were in the sort of Team Roger area, I think.

Oh, were you? You know, those European children... Did you have to wear the terrible logo? The RF. Well, I was on about last week. If you're going to come with a logo, don't just like a ghostly initials. I was thinking

whilst watching him, if somebody said to me, a clothes range, Mr Federer, my first thought would have been what would be known as the Roger Federer. Oh, that would have been good. What an opportunity missed. Did you notice he put his watch on immediately afterwards? That was a bit tacky. Mr The Swiss Swiss, they can't, they feel naked.

Naked without one. But the children behind us, Frank, you know those kids that wear sort of navy blazers and mini chinos? Oh, those mini adults. Yeah, mini adult. They go, oh yeah! Oh, they were awful.

I told Marvin from JLS, I said, will you take one of those out? I did. I think he thought a lot. Should have, they were too young even for him. Did he have the neatest hair you've ever seen in your life? He did. But JLS's hair is a geometrical masterpiece.

I know. Do you know what? Rochelle and Marvin, they were spotless. As Kathy once said of you. Yes. Just immaculate from head to toe. It must have taken them ages to get ready, though. That's the thing I always think.

No, but that's the great thing about JLS's hair. Not only is it incredibly neat, it looks quite easy. Do you reckon? Easy to operate with, yeah. I just love that Frank has started a sentence with, that's the great thing about JLS's hair. I don't think that any product is required. It could be a tattoo.

I once interviewed someone who was bald and they had little dots put on their hair. And it's very, very convincing. That's my theory on JLS. Well, how lovely to have been at that. That's a special moment because there'll never, ever be another British person in the final of the men's singles at Wimbledon

if it goes for a thousand years. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I received a letter. Oh, from Neville Chamberlain. Keep your Twitters, yeah. It is actually from the German Chancellor. I'm going to wave it above my head. No, it's from PJ Smith

I like the sound of PJ Smith sounds like he could be a Mississippi gambler and PJ lives in Petswood do you know Petswood? no but thanks for the tip is it Orpington? it says Kent

dear Mr Skinner now this is about many years ago, me and David Baddiel had a public debate about Colombo. Oh, did you? About whether Colombo, the TV detective, has a glass eye or not. Now, Peter Falk, if you remember, Peter Falk had a glass eye. But my argument was that in Colombo, the glass eye played the part of a real eye.

And that Colombo, therefore, did not have a glass eye, even though Peter Falk did. Turns out I was mistaken. Because PJ says that he's... I like PJ, he's a night person. Yes. He says that his daughter... He mentioned this to his daughter Catherine, who said, oh, no, no, he was one-eyed.

Columbo was one-eyed as well, because there is an episode where he says to a colleague when they're checking something out, three eyes are better than one. Thus acknowledging he's only got one eye. And then he then said, I looked into this and I found it was in A Taste of Murder, 10th season, in brackets. So what a brilliant, because I've pondered that for many years.

And thank you, PJ, for putting my mind at rest. That's what's so brilliant about this programme. That's fantastic. I'm going to keep that letter. And it's so great to get a letter. And it's like, it isn't even franked. It's got a stamp on it. A proper old-fashioned, lit, first-class stamp.

Did he spray aftershave on it? How dare you? No. But we have had some more. We've had emails as well, haven't we? We have. Do you want to hear the one about the Spice Girls? Is this a joke or an email?

No. People never say, did you hear the one about the... I know, I wish they did. I do, because I'm a child of the 70s. Izzy, family hold back. You read it. All right. Put the new kid on the spot. I love that band.

I can read. Matt B1 says... Matt B1? Wasn't he in Star Wars? Is it Matt B1 Kenobi? Stanley Kubrick film. Go on. Thought the fantastic topical debate on favourite spices showed perfectly the clear divide between women

who women think men should find attractive... Women who women think men should find attractive. Women who women think men should find attractive. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and Emily chose posh. Yeah, because Emily liked posh. That's her favourite. Yeah, and who men really do find attractive, Frank choosing ginger.

I'm so glad he called it ginger. I know, it's brilliant, isn't it? Yeah, he's sticking with it. And then he says something about Sarah Jessica Parker. No, but he's wrong about Sarah Jessica Parker. Are we allowed to say what he says? Yeah. He says, do you want to say it? Oh, thanks a lot. I'll end up in the Daily Mail. If she's listening. No, he's Samantha Brick writing about me. It's his argument. We can sum it up. We say it together. He's not not that he just says that women think that sarah jessica parker is

attractive but that men um he claims that no man on the planet finds sarah jessica he says sarah jessica parker is a woman who no man on earth surely finds attractive and who also and rather worryingly was never on tv while shergar was still active horse racing he's made the long face yeah of course he has of course he has. Of course he has. Okay. But my point is, I think... And I love her. I think she's a very attractive woman.

So do I. I like a banana-faced woman. Do you know what I mean? With a long face. I just think she's beautiful and she's stylish. And actually, if I may say whilst we're on this point, I also think women... We judge women according to looks,

whereas you judge it on who you'd like to have sexy time with which is a different thing completely ours is aesthetic based it's so true I judge women on whether or not they've heard of Walter Sickert the British 19th century artist I'll tell you exactly what you judge it on

because I know this at which particular point in a Laurel and Hardy movie do they laugh? Well, I don't do that anymore. He wants judge dates on that. I used to show them a particular dance that Laurel and Hardy did and if they didn't laugh then the relationship ended.

I used to never date a man who used moisturiser but I had to relax that in the last five years because every man uses it now. Yeah, exactly. What do you dislike? A bit of flakiness? but I had to relax that in the last five years because every man uses it now. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But that wasn't... Why did... What, do you just like a bit of flakiness? Oh, it's just a bit like,

oh, come on, just... I want someone who's, like, just done a dry stone wall and they get in and, like, eat a raw egg. You know what I mean? But even dry stone wall, isn't it? Apparently they moisturise the wall. You know what?

You don't want a raw egg. That's a bit Charles Saatchi. He went on that diet. It was terrible. I don't think women do just like thin women. I think there's another extreme of that, where normal women, whatever normal women are, women often talk about very fat women as if they're very attractive.

OK. They'll say, she's got a very beautiful face, right? Now, that comes from a different place. I think that they are not threatened. Yeah, so they're allowed to... Yeah. I like it when Frank goes a bit loose women. Yeah.

Frank, we still need to know, whose is his favourite spice? Who is your favourite spice? Tell us. It's definitely ginger. Really? Two, one. We win.

Sorry, Victoria. Two, one. Now, get out. Yeah, but I just... Get out! No, but I'm very fashionable. I don't care how fashionable you are. Get out.

Well, I'm married. Get out! Sorry about a bit of trouble there with Victoria Beckham-Nee Adams. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've heard from the outside world I've actually got a question for you

Oh I love a quiz This is from Steve Myers He tweeted us Just so you know Did Frank ever get back into Leodama Lightlife I just tried it and it's pretty good No I used to be obsessed into Leodama Light Life? I just tried it and it's pretty good. No, I used to be obsessed with Leodama Light Life. I used to have it virtually every other meal.

Yeah, it's a sliced cheese, but it's low fat. I used to have it with a bit of mayo on it. And then I seem to remember you gorged yourself. Well, I had too much. You shared a gorge yourself. No, it wasn't. No, it was Leodama Light Life to myself. And no, and then I couldn't face it at all

same thing happened to me with tarama salata if you remember same thing happened to me with footballers I had so much tarama salata

something went wrong with the inside of my mouth so I had to stop that maybe when you're born you've got a finite capacity for tarama salata

and if you use it all up, that's it. Yeah, I think that's true. I've filled up those inner test tubes that contain both tiramisu lard and Lea Dama Light Life. It's got holes in it, Lea Dama, hasn't it? Yes. I like cheese with holes in it, like from a cartoon. Yeah, I do as well. It's great if you ever go cheese bowling.

Yeah. Maybe you can get you ever go cheese bowling. Yeah. And you can get a bit of good grip. Thick calves in slippers always appear nearby, I find, when you're eating out the fridge. I do like that cheese with holes. Where do they go? I know. OK. OK.

I have another tweet I'd like to share with you. This is from Dan Pearce. I also hate a slow walker. If I go out with people and they can't keep up with my pace, I'll walk off. Oh, that's excellent. Love it. Love you, Dan. I love the way he says walk off, not even walk ahead. I'm not even going to go to the same place.

I like the fact that he never sees them again. He just shows them a clean pair of heels, and that's the end of that relationship. He's my kind of guy. I think that's good. I do. Don't dawdle. I say this to Britain. Stop dawdling.

Get on with it. What's the point? If it's a tourist, I don't mind, because they're looking at stuff. But people that dawdle... I'm sorry. I think the mobiles have a lot to do with it, because you sort of get people

on Twitter or something, and they just stop. Because they're so engrossed in it. I wish I could just blame that. Yeah. But I think people forget that they're out. Do you know what I mean? It's that bad. They forget that they're walking. And they just, they're basically I can't

even talk about it. Can you tell I'm getting furious? Yes, I can. I have to walk... You've got that look in your eye. I have to do that stuttering tiptoe thing because they're ahead of me. Yeah, well, you're dancing from side to side, trying to overtake. You're trying to overtake.

It is like driving. What I need is a scythe. Frank, I'd like to talk about Nicki Minaj. Do it. I beg your pardon? Talk about Nicki Minaj. Yes. Talk about her three times.

She's been getting herself into a little bit of trouble. Oh, come on. Yes, I heard about this. She was at Scotland's Tea in the Park Festival, and she complained, apparently, at the length of the grass outside her trailer. She said it was too long, she couldn't walk in it, and she asked

for it to be cut. So she essentially requested a lawnmower. What I like about it is that she did that Hackney Weekend thing. And apparently she complained about the length of the grass there as well. Oh, did she? Maybe just her thing.

To be fair to Nicky Minow, she plays, I know from people who know her, she plays a lot of crown green bowling. And she's got used to a manicured lawn. So, I mean, to her, it must look like a wilderness. Why can't she travel with a goat? I'm sure if she said to her management, you know, I'm going to need a goat with me.

Or stilts. Or stilts. No, she needs to get now one of those, you know, need to go i'm gonna need a goat with me or spilts you know what no she needs to get now one of those um you know those innovations catalog they have those little baseball caps for the radio because they're great when you're mowing the lawn they're the perfect there's probably a thing that will keep the grass down that's a gadget we've never even thought of some size type thing a pac-man lawnmower that you blow down and it just goes around and chomps all the lawn on its own you don't have to go. Someone should invent

that certainly. That's very very Deaverish. She's one of the fancy dress celebrities isn't she? Yes. You know there's some that have got famous because they dress it's incredibly in the 21st century people dress a bit garishly they can become stars overnight. Lady Gaga a classic

example. I know you'd think that Lenny Henry Sue Pollard Timmy Mallet. She's a friend of the family stars overnight. Lady Gaga, classic example. I know you'd think that Susanna Henson wouldn't. Lenny Henry. Sue Pollard. Timmy Mallet. She's a friend of the family. Josh Brandreth. Any sort of colourful dressing can get you a quite a good solid career in show business.

You're a bloke actually. All you need is a Hawaiian shirt and some NHS glasses. Well I used to do the Hawaiian shirt thing when I first started. Did you? I became synonymous with the Hawaiian shirt. You did rather. I was desperate. I respected her diva-like tendencies because, Frank, this week I was a bit diva-ish.

What did you do? I feel the need to fess up about this. It's awful. Go on. It's awful. There was someone working for me and I was in a rush. I was on my way to a meeting and I'd requested a cup of tea and she passed it to me as I was stalking my way through the corridor in my heels

and I took it off and I just went, too dark. I said it like that. Awful. Awful. How brilliant. Too dark. That must be the shortest sentence in the world as well. It's terrible. I apologised profusely afterwards. I apologise again now. Oh, no, I think it's terrible i apologize profusely afterwards i apologize again now

oh no i think it's good you know you're a you're a deputy uh manager deputy manager maybe sound like i run a car respray business you wear a nylon overall you're a deputy editor yeah yeah but you know i used to have this as you know saru works on the show we've had a lot of tea disputes. And now, leave the bag in. Leave the bag in, I'll sort it out. Simple as that. I think sometimes people like diva-ish behaviour because they sort of expect it.

Yes, exactly. Especially with stars. I once watched a documentary about two gay men who owned a B&B. Actually, I didn't, I met them. I made that up. I didn't watch the't. I met them. I made that up. I didn't watch the documentary. I met them. I stayed at their guest house.

But it was like you were watching a documentary. And they had a room called the Shirley Bassey Room. And they said Shirley Bassey came here. And really, the worse she behaved, the more they liked her. That's what people want from a star. Yes, they do. See, I let people down with my loveliness. That's what I've always thought.

I never do anything diva-ish, apart from sometimes I'm on the tube, and when people get on the tube before I've got off, I get really annoyed, because the rules are you have to wait. So the other day I went, wait for people to get off. Please.

I couldn't even do it without saying please. That's good. If you were a ventriloquist, you could have made it sound like an announcement. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio i was wondering if we were going to go for breakfast after this show because sometimes we do

you it turns out are getting a car to whisk you away well is he's coming with us even though she's got a wedding to go to yeah i'm I'm going to a wedding 40 minutes later. That's quite impressive. I feel terrible. Because I know it's your birthday week and all that, but, you know... I'll tell you what I had this morning was card stress. Oh, did you? You know when you have to sign someone's card when they're not there?

I feel terrible. You know my thing about, it wasn't about last week again, about when you watch a film and someone's breaking into an office or something and the person who works or lives there is coming home. I get so tense it makes me feel sick. That's what I'm like with Karen. When I'm signing a card, I think if she comes in now, it's my fault.

And I walked in and it was splayed open. It was just there on the table. Just on the table. Yeah. It was awful. That was my fault for not handing it back. Have you ever got to a surprise party late or early so the so it's ruined i've only ever seen surprise parties happen in films and no i've been to a surprise but and i've been uh is victim the right word

i've been the victim of a surprise party have you i don't think i'd like it it was you kip um i had no idea i had no idea it was going to form oh i love robert kilroy so you don't see him so often anymore and suddenly there it was um with its um yeah sort of a strange right wing old-fashioned white i want to know it's your wedding is it here it's in virginia water and it's in surrey and i'm a wedding garb already so i've just got to go there but i quite like it when i can sleep in my own bed after a wedding i think the novelty's worn off now i'm 33 i'm like if i sleep in my own bed after a wedding i consider that a personal failure well exactly has it ever happened no ridiculous idea Even though almost every wedding you go to is in London.

Yes, I once, I went to a wedding. No, actually, it wasn't a wedding. I went, I'm thinking it was a wedding. It was in Skibo Castle in Scotland, which is where weddings always are. Oh, Madonna got married there. Yeah, well, I went there to another do, and I ended up having to sleep with a female friend. What?

And we didn't, there was none of that. But I thought, well, female friend and we didn't there was none of that but I thought well I better I better there was none of that I'll have to wear a dressing gown and keep my pants on I was so hot oh you wore a dressing gown in bed yeah because I thought I you know it's a sort of a uh it's a declaration of non-intent definitely but I was so hot turned out to be a terrible night I I was hot in Scotland, can you imagine it? So you're, um, do you like a wedding? Yeah, I do. I do like weddings.

Sometimes, because I write songs in my stand-up, I sometimes get asked to write a song. I made the mistake of once writing a song. And I just felt under so much pressure because it was like, if I do anything wrong, if I say something a bit too risque in the song, you know, I've ruined their day forever. So sometimes people ask me now and I just felt under so much pressure. Because it was like, if I do anything wrong, if I say something a bit too risque, you know, I've ruined their day forever. So sometimes people ask me now and I just say no.

But then I thought about writing a generic wedding song where I could just slot their names in. Good idea. Look, happy birthday. Yeah. That's the secret, I think. I think people like something a bit more personal, don't they, at a wedding thing?

Oh, yeah. I did a speech last week when Scouse Tony got married. Oh, of course you did, yeah. the speech killed it i nearly fell over because i wore very high heels but i do find i find that quite hard you've got to keep the ladies happy as well with nice stuff yeah yeah it's it's if i want speaking of going away for a wedding i once i did the most middle class thing i've ever done in my life i went to my cleaner's wedding in Krakow and I mean it was lovely, Krakow is lovely but I did, I felt

properly posh and I went to do you know Varvel Cathedral, it's a famous Catholic cathedral I'm not familiar with its work and it is the tomb of Vladislav the Elbow High, who was a very short king of Poland.

And he's honestly known as Vladislav the Elbow High. Wow. Why can't we have royals be called stuff like that? That would be awesome. Yeah. Well, we've got Mrs British Battleaxe. I suppose she's not royalty, though, is she? Yeah.

William, there'd have to be a reference to the hair loss yeah that's the trouble isn't it it's not good it'd be William slightly taller than his hair I think that would work wouldn't it Frank we've had a text This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

Frank, we've had a text in from 567. Hi, Frank, Emily and Izzy. Frank just mentioned the artist Walter Sickert. Is he aware of the theory that Mr Sickert was in fact Jack the Ripper? He says the Jack the Ripper, which I like. Yeah. That's not quite correct. The theory is, I think, that he did the Camden murders, which were like. That's not quite correct. The theory is

I think that he did the Camden murders which were not blamed on... I thought it was Russell Brand. They were a separate... So, yeah, but I think it's a harebrained theory, that's what I'm saying about it. Oh, okay. I love a bit of Walter Sickett. We've had another

tweet, well I got one personally, saying, I love the sound of R. Keith,'ve had another tweet. Well, I got one personally saying, I love the sound of our Keith. Can you please be a guest on your show? That would be a great Nick Lowe track. I love the sound of our Keith, especially in the night. I agree with this thing about going away for weddings. I think if I ever get married,

because obviously you can't get married at a place that's convenient for everyone but I think Well you can. I'm going to get married on Skype Yes! That's the answer. It would be better wouldn't it? You only need to dress smart from the chest up I might get married on a reality show

then everyone's got hair and make-up done anyway Yeah I just don't want to go to a castle in scotland for i tell you what really when people send you a wedding invitation with details of local hotels rude yeah yeah i had one we're getting married in bali do you want to come we're gonna make a way and i i said you know the thing is with holidays I like to pick where I'm going and when. And not have to go to a place at a certain time. I don't. I'll decide where the holidays are going.

BCH, Black Cab Home. That's the decider. I said I'll red star you a sterling silver toast rack and let's not speak again. I thought that was closure. OK, we come, speaking of closure, we come to the end of the show. Thank you so much, Izzy, for joining us this week.

Thanks very much for having me. Lovely to see you as ever. And good luck with all your various projects. She's got a lot on. Peak Show and what else? Shameless? Yeah, hopefully. And the wedding. OK, and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. We love you all, and I mean it. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.