The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Duffins

Episode Date: October 12, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Steve try out Duffins and offer some other snack hybrid alternatives. They also discuss the missing Dr Who tapes and Emily and Steve's shopping experience.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us this morning. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow us on the Twitter at Frank on the Radio. And hey, you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. Three portals, which gets you through to our domain. Three portals. I wasn't so keen on that follow-up single. No, no, no.

It was big with the submarine call. So, I'm still picking Dauphin off my teeth. Oh. That's Dauphin. We need to talk about Dauphin. Yeah. Because these are part of, there's this new wave of pastry. This is why we got them this morning.

Daisy's trying to be, she's making us trendy, isn't she? What they've done, they've started, they call it Frankenstein pastry, don't they? So they've started mixing popular pastry-based food stuff. Cronut? I suppose you'd call it... What did you call it? It's a mash-up. What did you call it?

It's a mash-up, isn't it? Yeah. So it's a mix between a donut and a muffin. Yeah, cronut is half croissant, half donut. I bet Frank pronounces croissant. You know when he does that very self-conscious French, like, cliché, I love it. Say croissant, Frank.

You mean croissant? Oh, I love a bit of French. If, I love it. Say croissant, Frank. You mean croissant? I love a bit of French. If only I spoke French. I could do that every word. I'd move to France and my whole everything would be like gargling. So this is

half muffin, half donut. I'm going to be straight with you. I haven't loved the duffin. I'm going to be straight with you. I feel ill. It's half muffin, half donut. I'm going to be straight with you. I'm not... I haven't loved the Duffin. I'm going to be straight with you. I feel ill. It's not been popular in the studio, so... No.

For me to leave a sugar-based treat, something's wrong. I feel a bit diabetic now. Do you? Yeah. Can we say there's nothing wrong with being diabetic? No. That's the official view of Absolute Radio.

I had that on a memo only this week. Like the Tom Hanks news. Yes, exactly. I'd originally thought calling it a Frankenstein food was a bit mean and then I've tasted the Duffin and now I understand because it's a sin against nature. I think that maybe Igor dropped the jar

with the original filling and brought the evil man's brain filling yeah i'm thinking they could have done they could have been why not go savory yeah what do you mean what egg and bacon in the middle i was thinking you could you could have i i like a sausage roll but i'm going off sausage as i get older i wonder if you could ever think all the time off sausage? Get older. Going off sausage is the title actually of my new autobiography. And mine.

It's a bit, Tom Robinson beat me to it. No, it's I wonder if you could have a thing called a sausage hole. So when you buy it, it's just the pastry casing, but you can buy various fillings in like sausage forms that you could get some sweet things. Oh, so it's just the pastry casing, but you can buy various fillings in, like, sausage forms

that you could get some sweet things. Oh, so it's sans toad, Frank. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So you could say, I'll have a sausage hole, and I'll have, can you get me a Montelimar instep? Not instep, would that be the right word? What would you put into it?

Insert, oh. Insert. Yeah, insert. A Montelimar insert. I don't know what Montelimar is, but it? Insert. Oh. Insert. Yeah, insert. A Montelimar insert. I don't know what Montelimar is, but I've seen it on chocolate boxes. Yeah, I have. What is it?

Well, all I know is it's always on level three, and I don't often go down to level three. Well, I must say, I haven't heard, that's not what I heard. I don't know if I've ever had a level three chocolate box, but Montelimar, it's one of those that,

there's a whole branch of those that it... There's a whole branch of chocolates that aren't fruit-based. They're more or less fudge chocolate. Yeah. And Montelimar, I think, is one of those. But I think the sausage hole is versatile. Half the thing with these products is they start with a pun and work backwards. That seems...

Yeah. So what I don't like about these Frankenstein foods is they've basically looked at things like Brangelina or dog breeds and the wacky names you can call a dog. But Duffy, they haven't done much with Duffy, have they? Well, that was the surname of... Duffy from Casualty was Lisa Duffin, so I can't...

I'm biting into it thinking of Cathy Shipton. I love that you know that. I love... That's a generational thing because I think of Duffy from... Please, sir. And John Alderton used to go, Um, Duffy. I love, that's a generational thing, because I think of Doffy from Please Sir. And John Alderton used to go, I'm Doffy. And now I've said it.

So I'm thinking of that, the sausage hole. And maybe, I'm thinking if you could mix up a prawn cracker and a pasty. And it wouldn't actually be prawn. That sounds attractive. There wouldn't be prawn in it, but it would have a prawn element. So you could call it a prawnish pasty. Do you know what, that would play well in Birmingham, I reckon. Yeah, I'm still... If you've got any ideas for pastry mash-ups, drop us a line.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was in the back of a car this week. When I say that, I mean I was being driven somewhere, not like the old days. What do you mean? Well, you know, in the early days of meeting members of the opposite sex, the back of a car used to be quite an emporium. Tell me about it.

Quite an emporium. Tell me about it. Anyway, what they do is they put stuff in their back flaps, professional drivers. Magazines, you know, so that the passenger can read stuff. What sort of magazines? You know, often things like... It's just the daily papers a lot of the time. Sometimes it's the daily papers. No, you sometimes get a cigar aficionado.

Very, very rarely. Especially with the smoking ban. Yeah. But I was in a car this week. There was two magazines, both watch-based. Oh. One was a sort of Rolex thing. Another one was like watch of the year.

Oh. And I'm fascinated not by watches. Au contraire. I'm fascinated by anyone who's interested in watches at all and cares about what they're like because... Can I just say I have a lot of close friends in the international watch community. Do you really?

And I'll thank you to mind what you say. Well, I'm not... You know, for a start off, did Rolex, did that used to be a girdle in the 60s? Was that the name of a girdle? Have I made that up? And I don't think they'll thank you for suggesting that. I'm unfamiliar with even the concept of a girdle. Someone on that.

Someone on that. You don't know what a girdle is. I think you're thinking of Playtex. You think William Shatner. You're thinking of a girdle. Someone on that. Someone on that. You don't know what a girdle is. I think you're thinking of Playtex. You think William Shatner. You're thinking of Playtex. I've always had a strange relationship with watches anyway. For a start off, you know those ones that aren't like a leather strap, they're like a metal strap.

A tank, do you mean? Pardon? Do you mean a tank? What do you mean? It's called a tank watch. Is it? Yeah. Not a metal strap. You know what I mean? It's called a tank watch. Is it? Yeah, on a metal strap.

You know what I mean? It's a solid metal... Maybe it's some other sort of thing Peter the Wild would have on his neck. It's a tank. I've never heard the phrase tank. A tank watch? No, never heard that. Daisy, have you heard of a tank watch?

Thank you. That sounds like... Daisy's just, you know, she's so frightened of you, she'll say yes to anything. Tank watch sounds like some sort of shoot-em-up game, like some arcade game from the 1980s. Tankwatch would be like a live TV show but in, like, Beirut.

But, you know, because Badgerwatch. I'm afraid all the badgers have been killed. What about Tankwatch? Bill Oddie. We'll see how it goes. That's the head of television in Beirut. I don't know where Beirut is, but I'm just saying. Where is Beirut?

Didn't you used to play baseball? I don't know, but that's our text in this morning. Where is Beirut? Text in on 8-12-15. This happened to me once. I did an improvised comedy stand-up thing, and one of the things I had to improvise around was Gaza strip clubs.

That was like the joke. And it soon became apparent I had no ideaise around was Gaza strip clubs. That was like the joke. And it soon became apparent I had no idea where the Gaza strip clubs were. Oh, geography. I hate it. I'm intrigued with watches because there are certain... You're intrigued with watches. Get out. As in the... Similarly to you, I... You wear a watch, Steve. No, no, there's a watch that...

You can always tell a low-level stand-up comedian, which I'm proud to be one. Because they've been intimate with me. That's the two things. You're number one on the tick list. There's a cheap vibrating watch that you can buy, possibly to tell them when it's their turn with you. I wouldn't want to go and watch a cheap vibrator watch live on the internet.

Oh, dear. Oh dear. Rabbit Watch is up this week. Anyway, carry on. So that's about... There's a mix-up. Someone proposed Rabbit Watch and it got a terrible mix-up in the paperwork. So I think that's all I say. The most I've ever

spent on a watch is £30. And it's this Vibrate Watch. That's a lot. 30 quid? I'd pay someone more to ask them the time. 30 pounds. What can you get for that? That's fine. When you're buying a watch, always make sure you don't spend as much on it

as you've just spent on the petrol. That's the secret. No, I think I might have spent 30 quid on a watch. Tops. You see, non-watch wearers, I'm a bit suspicious of them. What I was going to say about those metal ones is because I've got very scrawny wrists. They never fit me. I can't have those.

They hang like, you know... That's trendy. You know women wear their bi-friends watch. I look bi-friends watch. I've got very skinny wrists. Who's got the skinnier wrist of the two of us? This is quality radio. Let me play something first, then've got very skinny wrists. Who's got the skinnier wrists of the two of us? This is quality radio. Let me play something first, then we'll match our wrists.

It's the Brokeback Mountains. That's how it started, yeah. Who's got the skinniest wrists? Okay, who's got the skinniest hips? And it went on from there. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're a very lucky man.

If I had said to you when you've been on holiday with your girlfriend, you're a very lucky man. They say that to me when they see my wife and realise that she's way out of my league. You're a lucky man. That happened to me in Green Park. Someone did that in Green Park, outside Green Park Tube, someone did exactly that and I thought, it felt like I was on a coast somewhere in the Med

very unfair very unfair there's lots of international types now in our country indeed, yes um just a minute, just checking the manual yeah, so... Watches you were talking about.

Watch-based magazines. What do they have in them? Pictures of watches. I didn't dare open one. You wonder what the adverts in a watch-based magazine would be, because ordinarily the watches are the adverts in other magazines. Yeah. Frank, you are a non-watch...

What I'll call a watch dodger. Well, I wear a watch. Well, not always. Somebody bought me are a non-watch. You're what I'll call a watch dodger. Well, I wear a watch. And Steve... Well, not always. Somebody bought me a watch. This watch. This is quite a nice watch, I think. Let's have a look at your watch.

Let me just see. Oh. No, let me just see it. You don't need to take it off. Here, I'm passing it over. Okay. That's absolutely fine. It's absolutely fine.

Yes, it was a gift, that one. Thank you very much. I'm wondering if... Imagine having to write an article about a watch, like a review of a watch. Yeah, you know, the hands go round in the same direction. What are you going to say about it? I was really aware of the passage of time watching this.

There was a bloke in the audience on... We were recording Room 101 at the moment. There was a bloke in the audience and he wanted to put in, we never got around to it through to time, but he wanted to put in when people say 12am and 12pm. Why?

Because it's not really true because it isn't, because midnight isn't really neither am or pm, it's midnight. He sounds like a laugh, have you got his number? Well, I like the sound of Have you got his number? Yeah.

Well, I like the sound of it, but it did strike me. The one I hate is when they say zero hundred hours. Oh, I hate it. Zero hundred hours. If it's zero, why even bring it up? Just say we'll be there. I have to say, I'm not a fan of midday and midnight on the watch. I like army times.

On the watch front. I don't like it when they're huddled, the hands. They look like they're up to something. You don't like it when they're glenned. Do you know what I mean? They look like they're... They're up to something. Watch hands.

They only get to see each other once an hour. They've got so much to catch up on. I don't like it when one overtakes as well on the inside lane and the other looks all disappointed. You hear them say to each other, I wish I could quit you. That's it. He's got very passionate this morning. I've just had to check my watch to see

if I've got a second hand. I have got a second hand. This is brilliant news. I tell you what though, guys. I know what you're saying, but I just don't like the watch Dodger as a character. Do you know what I mean? Those sort of quite irresponsible people. Oh yeah, that 20 quid I don't like... I know what you're saying, but I just don't like the watch dodger as a character. Do you know what I mean? Those sort of quite irresponsible people,

they'll be, oh, yeah, that 20 quid, I'll pay you back later. People that don't wear watches are a bit like that. I don't know. I mean, I think in the age of the mobile phone, I think you don't need one anymore. What that sounds like is you've segued neatly from people not having a watch on them to someone owes you 20 quid,

and you're putting the pressure on them. Who doesn't wear a watch? They know exactly who they are. Oh, they do. I had a watch. them to someone owes you 20 quid. You're putting the pressure on. Who doesn't wear a watch? They know exactly who they are. Oh, they do. I had a watch. I went to that, what was it called? Body Works. That Gunter von Hagen.

Yes, yes, yes. Oh, yes. Gunter von Hagen. German. Plastination. Yes, he wore the jaunty trilbiers. He loomed over the corpses. Yes.

He was obsessed with corpses and he wore a black hat. That sounds like the beginning of a folk song. He was obsessed with corpses and he wore a black hat. Sounds like Van Morrison. He killed lots of people, that was our part. It's a story about my Irish relative who was an ass murderer. Well, we've had a request for some stories about your father, which I'll talk to you about later.

OK. Oh, yeah, so I bought a watch at the exhibition in the shop. Oh, yeah? In the dead body shop. That's nice, Frank. The dead body shop. Did you buy that as a gift for Cathy? No, just for me.

The watch on the watch was a picture of a body holding out its own skin. Oh, God. Wow. Who would buy that? Oh. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Sorry.

Have you got a mouthful of Duffin? Are you eating Duffin? I've got a mouthful of Duffin. She's our guest this morning. She's got a new album out. She's a bit Katherine Jenkins for me. Is she? Duffin.

I can't even remember what she looks like. Showbiz. We've had some strong responses on the Frankenstein foods. Okay. 153, how about a muffnut? I think that's unconnected to the Frankenstein foods. Okay. Yeah. 153, how about a muffnut? I think that's unconnected to the Frankenstein's food. He's just... A muffnut. Yeah, and why is it a dolphin? Why, it could be a muffnut.

Presumably because muffnuts. No, I like muffnuts. Wouldn't it be a... Oh, good for you. 678. I think of a mownut. 678 says a brownie and a yum- yum yum is a brum, that's for Frank lovely, I don't even know what a yum yum is though

oh well sort of little sugary confection they're all little sugary confections alright you know when you get stuff like death by chocolate when they're trying to express chocolate things that are so chocolatey they're beyond chocolate

I don't like, death by chocolate that's the sort of thing alan partridge would order on a date though i don't like things like that i'll have the death by chocolate please i'll start with a surf and turf the death by job have you got chicken maryland um but i thought you could have um what a thing that is so chocolate, it's impossible to get through it. And before you've reached the end, you've had so much chocolate, you don't need more. And here's one for the cricket fans. You could call it a chocolate declare.

So you have to declare the innings before you complete the thing. That's lovely. Yeah. If there's any bankers listening, you can have that. You can have it. It's fine. No, I don't want any money. Have it. Frank, we've had some geographical information has been texted in to us from 530.

Beirut is the capital of Lebanon, East Mediterranean. I've heard of Lebanon. Great place. Emily, you would love it. Google it and focus on the good bits. See, I sort of use it as a sort of a stand... It's in the comedy chair for places to get shot at. Not anymore.

It's sort of recovering from the 80s, I think. Yeah, see, I'm out of date on that. It's like my fat person is still Mrs Mills. Well, I mean, no-one knows who that is. No. I've said this before, you have to have someone in each comedy chair, you have to have a fat person, stupid person,

sexy lady, country that's dangerous and stuff like that. So you can go there immediately in times of comic desperation. And I need to update Beirut. I need to find somewhere. I think Sarajevo in the 90s,

a lot of the comics I saw in the 90s replaced Beirut with Sarajevo. Yeah. Where should I be going now with those dangerous jokes? We should get people to text in. No, probably not. No. They'll just be texting dangerous places.

What about a Chegsy? That'd be depressing. Pardon? What about a Chegsy? A toasty containing cheese and a fried egg. I don't think that works. What is that? What is cheddar and egg?

Chegsy. Cheddar and toasty. Chegsy. Cheddar and toad. Chegsy. Delicious. I don't know. That's from

Moby. Moby text us that, Frank. When I'm thinking that through, a little tiny trail of

blood has just come out of my ear. Is that a good thing? I'm a bit worried about

that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I was watching the BBC News. OK. And there was a thing about this art online, what do they call them?

Website. One of those things. And she said, and she's taken a look on there, the newsreader says, she says, there's people like Frank Skinner and Anne Widdicombe talking about it. And I thought, no, no. What you mean is, there's people like Frank Skinner

and then again, there's people like Anne Widdicombe. You're in the same Venn diagram. We've been roughly yoked together by violence. It implies, because the only things you've got in common are you're both Catholic. Well, I don't think she was a very... Is she Catholic?

She is now. So, maybe she's... This is Johnny come lately. Maybe they couldn't put, you get Catholics talking about it. Frank, you're lucky. She could have said Frank Skinner and Widdicombe, that lot. Exactly. Could have been that lot.

That would have been an anti-catholic statement yeah i think um i think she joined um about the time of the women oh she was one of those that exodus yes brilliant reason on a religious note we've had a suggested uh frankenstein uh product hayden as it has suggested your own incense range, frankincense. That's a... I love it. That's an idea.

I've got sugar all over my lower parts now from the Dauphin. They are messy. They're more difficult to eat than a normal doughnut. I walk past Battersea Dogs Home on the way home. I hate these Dauphin. They're more high-maintenance than me. I won't be eating these again.

Lisa Yates has said there's no way Divine Miss M would put her lips near something as carb-laden as a Duffin. She refuses to believe you've even eaten it at all. It was a bit like eating cyanide, but I did it. I'll be nil by mouth for two weeks now. Even I thought, as I ate it, I thought, you know, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, even as I ate it. Lovely, Frank.

A moment on the lips. Yeah, I did. I think you said, if you're going to eat something that's bad for you, you want it to be brilliant. Yeah. Absolutely. You don't want average stuff that's bad for you. I can eat good stuff that's good for me, that tastes calm. Never waste calories.

Yeah, that's this week's motto. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email from Barry seeking enlightenment and wisdom. The man or the island? The man. Okay. I don't get many Barrys these days. No.

That's all right. Well, Barry has made contact. Are there any other Barrys out there? No. But you want every Barry in Britain to text in just to say, yes, I'm called Barry. It's sort of like a Dave Gorman style. Barry on!

He said, hi, Frank the Cockerel and the beautiful Miss Emily. Whilst driving yesterday, I passed a guy on a moped wearing black and white Czech trousers, who I assume was on his way to work as a chef, which got me thinking, why do chefs wear black and white Czech trousers? I understand why they would wear a blue plaster if they cut their finger, so if it fell off,

it would be easily spotted in the food. But I'm stumped as to why the funny trousers. What's that all about, eh? What if it was a blueberry crumble? Yeah. Could be a nightmare. If it was a blue plaster cake, that could be a...

Well, why do they wear the Harlequin vibe? I assume that he might not have been. He could have been a mason. Aren't they into black and white check? I've been in a couple of Masonic halls what yeah i'll just throw that in that kalashnikov into the conversation i used to be a burglar and um we we loved the pyramid that was our special no well i there used to be a gig in battersea in the chain sort of waiting room for the comics, the dressing room, not waiting room, that's a bit of a thing,

was a Masonic hall. And they go for a black and white check floor. I quite like a Masonic interior. Well, Barry has opened a can of worms. Oh. With Segway. Is it a scar thing? Remember Scar Enthusiasts?

Yes, there's a lot of two-tone. When I say Scar Enthusiasts, I don't mean surgery. You mean SKA. A chef who's a lot of two-tone. When I say scar enthusiast, I don't mean surgery. You mean SKA. A chef who's been careless with his knives. I mean, that's what I mean, that kind of stuff. There'll be people dancing to that. You laugh. People dancing to that all over Britain in their pork pie hats.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM.

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can text us on 8-12-15, follow us on 8... Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website.

I'm messing up my housework now. Frank, I'm a chef. The reason we wear those funny coloured trousers is because it's a fashion statement. Oh, that's from Ben in High Wycombe. That hasn't answered the question that we asked shortly before the news. We've had a tweet from Wag Hanson, who says maybe chefs play food chess.

Can I say that's not a very nice way to talk about Alan Hanson's wife? Food chess? That's possible to be tiny pieces though. Individual peas or? Oh no they'd have to be different. The peas could be the pawns. Yes. We could have prawns if you want to. Is it a stain issue with the chefs then? Is that what it is? That's what I understood it to be. What do you mean a stain issue? Well that's why they wear the harlequin trousers because they want to cover up the stains they have to wear chef's whites because when they're making stainless pastries i thought that's why a chef wears all white because it symbolizes they don't wear all white they don't wear czech trousers they were sorry the head chef sorry i think the head chef is ordinarily... Maybe they used to wear all white and they

wear check trousers now, so you could tell, say, if one of them was upside down in the kitchen. Do you think Gordon Ramsay wears check trousers? I hope not. Why? I don't know. No, he's too good for that now, isn't he? Too good for that? I think he's gone above the demi. Has he?

There are certain chefs' traditions. I think the idea is... Does Demi Moore wear a tech trousers? That's this week's texting. I think with a chef's hat,

I think the idea of the chef's hat with all the little pleats and sort of knots in it, I think there's a tradition that it's meant to symbolise,

I think it's meant to have a hundred knots in it. What knots? What are you talking about? It's in the chef's tock, those little folds. He's making up words now. think it's meant to have a hundred knots in it. What knots? It's in the chef's tock. Those little folds. He's making up words now. And it's meant to symbolise

near the briehl. You know the briehl at the top of a chef's? Next to the nuncow. Yeah, exactly. Oh, like writers for Monty Python. It's meant to symbolise the hundred different ways it's possible to cook an egg. And I don't know a hundred ways to cook an egg is that true have you googled this no ages ago i googled it in a in a for a separate thing steve-opedia we can't keep

up with your knowledge i thought it represented uh the nuclear age doesn't it look like the mushroom cloud the chef's no and this is the oldest conversation I've ever been misforced. Maybe that's just the similarity of how a chef might lose his temper. He might go off like a mushroom crowd. Oh, please! That's my new catchphrase. I've got something I have to share with you. OK.

I'm really hoping it's Twix. It's from 546 OK Do you remember you boys were talking about a certain event at the BFI last week? Doctor Who? Yes, Steve didn't go and I went late You were late, weren't you? They showed the TV movie which featured the 8th Doctor who was played by Paul McGann.

Right. You were spotted, Frank. 546 has emailed us. Before you get on to the missing episodes, yay, BTW, just a quick note

that there was an audible sigh of disappointment when it was announced that Frank wasn't at the BFI for the beginning of the TV movie last week. I can't at the bfi for the beginning of the

tv movie last week i can't believe that when he came in no listen to this my friend when he came in there was a clamor of excitement the man next to me turned to his friend and said he's here he's here i do not believe that that's a quote from John the Baptist. I'll be honest, I looked round a few times to see if you'd got there yet as well. Well, I did get there. I got there for the end of the film and for the... There was a panel with the stars of the film and stuff. It was quite an extensive... The pictures I've seen, there were quite a lot of people on the stage.

It was three. Well, that's how many friends I've got that I consider that. Three and the interviewer, so four, I suppose, to be fair. I don't know if I'd call that a lot. I live in a cupboard under the stairs. The Beatles, that was a lot of people, wasn't it? I mean, how did they get a van big enough for all those Beatles? This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

So the enormous crowd of people on the stage. Yeah, I think there was an earlier panel that I missed, so maybe that was particularly crowded. Because obviously we talked about it last week, and we mentioned Toby Hayby haydoke's name and i think i even mentioned missing episodes i think we we discussed it on air and then hey presto no sooner do we talk about it can i just say i'm so happy you've said hey presto i'm so happy you said toby haydoke or whatever his name is well he got named last week because

he's all over this show like a rash. Well, that was the great thing. Obviously, if people haven't heard, they've discovered... If people haven't heard, I cracked out the verve of Clicquot the minute I heard. They've discovered and released nine previously missing Doctor Who episodes, bringing the total missing down from 106 to 97. They're all Troughton. It's a genuinely exciting and beautiful thing. I agree just in time for the 50th anniversary

in fact I had a look at their computer last night I had a look at the computer can you believe this, second doctor Patrick Troughton is at top of the iTunes charts brilliant get him

as they say. David Blunt. What's that Blunt shirt? What's the... I think we were at something like the Sonys and somebody won an award and somebody shouted, back of the net!

Obviously, the fact that the episode's... It's one of the greatest acts of cultural barbarism in British cultural history in the last 50 years. Yes, it's worse in many ways. Oh, goodness. Oh, what, you mean that they wiped over all the old BBC stuff? Yeah, and obviously not just who,

but the fact that there's loads of Peter Cook missing, there's Dan's army missing. There's some of me, actually, you'll find. Really? Are you missing? Will you be discovered on a shelf in Nigeria somewhere? No, it's all right, because my godmother, Lindsay DePaul, was an early adopter of the video. So she taped everything I was in.

That's, thank God for that. Her and Bob Monkhouse are the only people in Britain who had a video recorder. It took a while to load. Because Monkhouse is responsible for saving a lot of stuff. There was stuff that was completely lost. There's old episodes of The Golden Shot

that only after they looked into his estate that was completely lost. There's old episodes of the Golden Shot that only after they looked into his estate that they were rescued. They were thought lost forever. Hands off that dial. Frank, we've had a tweet in from David Blondell who actually says... Oh, I was going to say David Blondell. It says...

No, no, I did a joke. Carry on. Well, he said Doctor Who episodes. It says Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph and furthermore, carry on. Doctor Who episodes. Well, he said Doctor Who episodes. He says Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, Ralph, and furthermore. Go on. Doctor Who episodes turn up in Nigeria. It's Troughton 2. I wonder if any of Em's family are in them. Well, it's funny you should say that.

Well, I think I am the only person alive that probably connects Nigeria and Doctor Who. Because let's face it, most of my parents' friends were in Doctor Who at some stage or another. They'll be pleased about the royalty checks, won't they? They won't believe their luck. And one of my five grandfathers was Nigerian. Yes. So something could have happened. It was a dodgy character by Olalea.

When they said that they'd found some new episodes of the internet and they said that they're in Nigeria, I thought, hold on. It's just an email from someone who says, I've got some doctor who... Send cash. And I'll send them return of post. But no, happily.

I haven't told you. I've been sitting watching them through the night. Fantastic. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We talked last week, Frank, off-air about... Don't Frank me. Sorry.

I was finding it such a surprise when people used my name. Mr Skinner, we talked about... No, no, please. And we discussed... I was saying, because I'd heard the rumours, and you were saying that you'd heard the rumours so many times... I didn't believe it anymore. ...that you didn't believe it anymore.

And it's amazing, because these were found in Nigeria. It's an incredibly romantic story, as my levels of romance go, that the fact that he's actually put boots on the ground and he's trekked all over the place and so he's gone to these dusty old towns and found it. Who's put boots on the ground? The fellow who found it philip morris oh uh oh international cigarette promoter yes is that right i don't think it's him anyway i i downloaded them and and uh i

started i'm i started watching i was familiar with i'm not going to get too much detail here don't panic but um there was um enemy of the world which is Can I say, is that the one with the man in the Yeti costume? No. That's Weather Fear. Although that... Though, can I say... It's like me in a onesie. Can I say, there is a great gag,

a gag that made me laugh out loud in Enemy of the World. Because I've only ever seen one episode of Enemy of the World, that's all I know. And there's a bit where it's like a bat ref, but they're on the phone and they say, OK, so we'll meet you under the disused jetty on the beach. And the doctor says, disused jetty? And it just, it really made me laugh.

I didn't know they did material in Doctor Who. Well, I think he snuck the odd bit in, Patrick Trout. Well, he's... I was there when they showed, when they discovered the Underwater Menace episode about two years ago. Yeah. You were there?

What in... Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a dusty... I was hiding. OK. And it's amazing how he reminded me so much of Matt Smith, the connections. It was really a lovely thing to see.

Anyway, we shouldn't get too deep into the... Do you know what I'm doing now? I'm doodling. I've never done that on this show. We need to stop now. It's too much Doctor Who. Can I say, though, one last thing. Oh, God.

I started watching Enemy of the World. It's set in 2018, which is kind of interesting. Yeah. And it begins with the mid-ch chased by three men in a hovercraft. Of course it does. Oh, I love it. One of the things I love with this, my mate who is more connected to the gossip,

was saying that of the countries left where there might be stuff... Has he got his finger on the pulse? He does have his finger on the pulse. Hot gossip. Did he say his friends in hot gossip? Yeah. He loves Doctor Who and hot gossip. They're the things he does have his finger on the pulse hot gossip that um he's friends in hot gossip yeah he loves doctor who and and hot gossip they're the things he loves he was saying that um it's the countries that we now have tricky in international relationships with they're the

places that might still have hope because we haven't so we haven't probably been in contact with zimbabwe and tv archives or iranian tv like niger archives for a long time. How dare you? My family are from there. Well, that's what I mean, that Nigeria is... We're on relatively friendly terms. But this is why it's very important that all Doctor Who fans download these episodes because if the BBC realise there's enormous money to be made... Absolutely.

..then probably David Cameron will make peace with countries who, in fact, have a terrible civil rights record, just so we can get at these days. Because was your sitcom, was Blue Heaven? Yeah, you mentioned one of my sitcoms. But wasn't that, in one of your books you talk about not seeing that for years and then someone having it on video. Yes, but that could happen in those days,

but now everything's everywhere. As I've said on here before, I miss missing stuff. We'll come back to this. Have we stopped talking about Doctor Who? We'll come back to this. I'm warning you. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So we were talking about missing episodes. I'm going to carry on.

We were talking about... Are you going to carry on talking about Doctor Who by any chance? No. Not Doctor Who. Because like we said it's not just Who that's gone missing. Who's gone missing? Disused Yeti. Yeah.

That's funny. Meet under a disused Yeti. Best joke I've ever heard about. Patrick Troughton with a pageboy haircut. Yeah, exactly. No, but in this one, he plays two characters. Has he caught the Henry V then? He likes our collage and caught hair.

So he has the Henry V, and then when he plays Salamander, the enemy of the world, he just combs it to one side and puts on a bit of... I mean, he darkens himself, but only to Mexican standards, not... Because he did... You know, originally, when he played... His plan was to wear a turban and black up for Doctor Who. That was his initial idea.

What? So he could get other roles afterwards. He wouldn't be reckoned with. Now, if there'd been a Doctor Who that had blacked up, I think the whole 50 year anniversary would be in danger. People wouldn't look back with such a nostalgia. So thank God he was talked out of that. Missing Believe Burnt rather than

Missing Believe Wiped. Oh yes. Missing Believe Wiped. That is the project that they call, so it's been running for 20 years. Missing Believe Wiped sound like, you know when you get those Japanese translations of English phrases. Missing Believe Wiped sounds like my dog's You know when you get those Japanese translations of English phrases? Misinbelief wipe sounds like my dog's got no nose.

Translated into Japanese. That's a lot cleaner than anyone thought it was going to be. Yeah, I was relieved. Relax. Just trust me. It's breakfast radio or breakfast television. Empathetic. He thinks he's still on television.

It's no GMT. It's no last days of GMT, really. Oh, it's like whatever happened to Baby Jane when she thinks he's still on television. It's no GMT. It's no last days of GMT, is it? Oh, it's like whatever happened to Baby Jane when she thinks she's still a star. Sorry, carry on, Steve. Go on, Steve. Because I presume you must know some of these because you're a regular at the British Film Institute. So the missing believed white people, Mr Dick Fiddy. Oh, I know Dick very well. So who are these people?

You can't just say the missing believed white people, Mr Dick Fiddy. That sounds like Esperanto. I didn't understand one word of that. They are pioneering souls attempting to find... Can I say I've just pulled some chewing gum off the bottom of my shoe? Anybody want some? Frank, why is it black chewing gum? Well, I've been walking around quite a lot.

Why were you looking under your shoe just then? I was supposed to limp to keep it clean. Why were you looking under your shoe while Steve? I was supposed to limp to keep it clean. Why were you looking under your shoe while Steve was talking about the missing believed white man? It's no more than my words deserve, in all honesty. Oh, no, I've got this corrupted left hand now. It's got shoe... I'm going to call it shoeing gum.

That's the new term for chewing gum that you find on your shoe. That was such an odd decision you made there. I'd much rather be doing this show than listening to it. Anyway, carry on Steve. Carry on Steve.

What a rubbish film. That would have been terrible. Worse even than Carry On Columbus. Barbara Windsor in a caravan being

spoken to about old films at length. By a man with a very monotonous voice. There's a man in Enemy of the World actually who really

reminds me of you when you've got your glasses on. Oh, really? Oh. Is it David Baddiel? He's treated very awfully, but he gets to wear a black sort of PVC suit. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, Steve. What's next? Well, I can keep it entertaining. That's the... So, yeah, I saw this wonderful... I've had a lovely week. I saw The Missing Believe White. My favourite thing that I saw in that

was the opening night of BBC Two, which had been lost. Yeah, my dad's on that. Is he? Yeah, I believe. What is he doing? Oh, I don't know. Some middle-class thing. Well, it was BBC Oh, I don't know. Some middle class thing.

Well, it was BBC Two. I don't have any working class things. That's actually how they announce it. They go now over to some middle class thing. Or as we call it, BBC Two. It's one of the more politically incorrect things I've ever seen. It's on YouTube. It's you you want to tell us about?

I'm not going to say it. It's on YouTube. It's an astonishing thing that less than 50 years, quite how... It's unbelievable. The first news story they announce is not fit for broadcasting in this arena. But it's on YouTube and people can watch it, should they be so forewarned. But the other thing I saw was... When they first showed this, there was a puppeteer who was 93

who hadn't seen the thing that he'd made with his puppets in 50 or 60 years. And it's these lovely old kids things that he'd done. And a song called Watch the Donut, Not the Hole. There's a lovely little maxim for life. That is a good maxim. As you walk through life, make this your goal. Watch the donut, not the hole. You could say it was an argument for materialism.

I say watch the Duffin, anyway. I've been watching the whole for years. Anyway, carry on. And it was just a beautiful thing to see a 93-year-old man standing up and taking credit for something that he himself hadn't seen in half a century. That is beautiful.

Moving on. And then I went for a walk with him. Well, that's hardly moving on, is it? Well, at least we're back in the 21st century. Oh, yeah, we went for a walk with him. Well, that's hardly moving on, is it? Well, at least we're back in the 21st century. Oh, yeah, we went for a little walk, Frank, me and Steve. Did you? Well, I went for a walk. Love is in the air.

And then... Every sound, every sound. No! Steve had a 115, and that's how I talk in my world. Oh, OK. Steve had a 115, and I sort of forced him to come with me. This was after the show, wasn't it, last week? And I kept being so entertaining that he was compelled.

It was great. We set the world to rights. Well, I was going to swap. You know, my iPhone screen had smashed, so I was going to get a replacement. And I went into a shop, and I made Steve come with me as a sort of Baldrick figure. He was my assistant.

And then we went into one shop and the man was so horrible I walked out, didn't I? But you're a tough cookie. I was a negotiator. I was impressed with her negotiation skills. You negotiated? I walked into the next shop. I said, I want you to change my iPhone screen. I've chosen you. You're the nicest. I said, I've chosen you. The other

man was so hateful but he was cheaper. I said, can you do me the same price as the hateful man? He said, yes. That's's very good i was very impressed you got you got a bargain that final bloke was lovely i got 10 pounds off i tried to talk to them about missing episodes they asked me to leave the shop got a bit awkward yeah you're like the ancient mariner oh well what's how nasty was the nasty bloke It was real. There was a real air of misogyny to it. There was a real sort of gave a kind of very horrible look. Oh.

It was a menacing environment. But we went into another... What, a phone shop? Yeah, he was horrible, the man. We went into another shop, didn't we, Steve? Well, that was what I love. You went into the... Well, you went into...

Before that final shop we went to, the second shop, the second phone shop we went into was literally next door to the first shop. And you said we went to the second shop the second phone shop we went into was literally next door to the first shop and you and you said to them in the second shop that bloke next door is absolutely horrible i hate him he treated me really badly can you do me a better price and that's good you introduced a classic era competition yeah not only in price but in personality yeah that's always that's a good thing. Oh yeah. I did that with the cheeky girls when I was there. More or less exactly the same thing. But we then walked into

the strangest shop I think I've been in in a long time. Hold that bookmark there. I'm going to play some music. I'm very keen to know how such a shop could win a title like that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio

So we're in this shop Yeah It was the strangest shop I've been to It was essentially a knick-knack shop We should say I would say

it was the size of the ground floor of a department store It was massive It was huge But all it sold was faux dog poo Yeah

And it was one of those ones where there's only one way through it. So you can't leave easy. You have to sort of do the whole... It was essentially like the Poundland on acid. That was what it felt like. It was knick-knacks and trinkets and nothing that you'd ever need.

Furry paperclips. Did you buy anything? An oven glove shaped as a goat. Penguin beanies. Eye... Some nutmeg. We found a whole... After a row, there was some staplers.

Some fake dog poo. And then a rack of spices. Next to the faux dog poo, three consistencies, there was giant seeds packets as well. Yeah, cardamom. But what was odd about the shop, Frank? There was something... Hold on a minute.

Often glove-shaped as a goat. Yes. That sounds all right. And we did nearly buy something. Yeah, egg timer, cupcake shaped as a cupcake. The onesie. You we did nearly buy something. Yeah, egg timer, cupcake shaped as a cupcake. The onesie. You say we nearly bought something. What happened is I think there's a drugging agent in the atmosphere in the shop

because I went a bit weird. That's right, there were people queuing up to buy all this terrible stuff. I suddenly said to Steve, I'm not joking, I said, I need to get that, I'm going to buy that. It was a onesie, a dinosaur onesie in XXL. I was going to buy it, wasn't I? You had to stop me. To the point where I was thinking it was some remake of Noel's House Party

and Emily was about to be gotcha'd. Right. But they'd appear to create this shop out of nothing. That can happen. Me and David Baddiel, when we lived together, used to sit up watching these infomercials into the early hours, people selling things like fish bait. And we used to sit just laughing and making jokes about taking the mickey.

And about an hour and 40 minutes in, we'd always say, actually, that's pretty good. Look how it's removed that paint from that surface without any evil smell. So it seems those shops can draw you in definitely. Well it was the sort, we felt fairly out of it, the whole process of walking through to the point that when I was looking for it the other

day I couldn't find it again. It was that sort of shop where you think you'll ask someone where it is and they'll say there hasn't been a shop like that for 100 years. It's called Tiger. Well it has 21 branches. Trust me I don't want any of the merchandise. I'm just going to go on it before Steve plogs

each individual branch. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. You can text us on 81215, follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or email the Absolute Radio website.

That was a bit like terms and conditions at the end of an episode. Can I say one more Doctor Who thing? This is not technical. Have you lost your mind? Not technical, but just something I remembered is that one of these shows has been found. I can't believe it. It's called The Web of Fear. Well, I listened to The Web of Fear, the audio of it, and someone was staring at me in the street. I mean, really staring. And, you know, obviously people stare

at me in the street. I'm a borderline national treasure, but I'm not in a good way. And I realised, because they just have the episodes back to back, I was homing along with the theme tune. And I think you can probably get away with the... That could be Qatar. But I was on the... And I was doing it out loud. I was doing it out loud in the street.

I'm so embarrassed. That's not a thing. You can be proud of that. No. You've got to just be who you are. No, no, you can't. Just be who you are. That's the worst advice I've ever heard in my life. Never, children, never be who you are. Thank you, that's lovely.

I think you should jazz hands it as you do the Who theme tune in the street. No, but, you know, people are very unforgiving, I find, in the street. They become afraid. What, if you're wandering down the street going, whoo-hoo-hoo? For some reason, I find that alarming. Intentionally alarming. He's taken that Catholicism too seriously.

He thinks he's an angel. Is that not noise angels make? Okay, come on. Yeah. Well, don't say come on. It's you that's going on about who every minute. I just thought of it. Okay.

I just remembered. You know what we haven't talked about this morning? Can we get on to my area, please? Petrolia. Which is more elderly actors. Okay. I want to talk about... I was trying to think of things that we hadn't talked about.

Elderly actors? Can we talk about... I didn't know that was your area. No, it is my area. And I'd like to talk about I just want to think of things that we hadn't talked about Elderly actors I didn't know that was your area No it is my area Sounds like a grey area Sir David Jason Is he a sir? I believe so SDJ

I believe there was a bit of an issue With his autobiography Which is called My Life. Is that what he called it? Yeah, he called it My Life. My Life. I'm a bit annoyed to admit when they workshop that title.

He had so many at his disposal with the boy in there. There's about a boy, there's mad about the boy. He could have called it Del or No Del. Oh, Frank, that's good. If anyone's got any ideas

for when the paperback's out they can change the title. What can he do with Jason? Odell. Oh, Frank, that's good. Lovely. If anyone's got any ideas for... When the paperback's out, they can change the title. What can we do with Jason? Jason and the Argonauts? If anyone's got any ideas for a better title for David Jason's autobiography, do let us know. Yeah. I mean, that is rubbish. So you know what happened?

40 pages of my life was printed in the Bridget Jones book, which was out this week. As if Bridget Jones isn't enough of a national treasure without having to secrete another national treasure. That's a distilled essence of Britain. David Jason, he's as popular as anyone has ever been in Britain.

He got, say, Shakespeare, Nelson, Winston Churchill. He's more popular than all of those people. But he's more popular than Sam Fox in the British sensibility. Pacing all your knowledge on 1982. Don't you find that when somebody is that popular with the British public, you do lose a little bit of respect for them? This is Frank skinner absolute radio sir david jason and it's rather lame autobiography title my laugh we've had some suggestions through 295 that's um aka kate and bexley a better title would be dell boy to man

dell boy to man yes 66 Boy to Man, yes. 663 to Dell and Back. Yes, that's good. I like that. I like that. Yes. Thank you for your suggestions. They're both better than My Life.

Yeah. Come on, Sir David. See, if these people haven't got a script, they're nothing. Next. I'm wondering, given that they've misprinted the Bridget Jones thing, does that make it a collector's item? Will people be keen to... Yes, it does.

They'll sort of be... Possibly they won't notice the difference. They'll just be reading through and going, oh, Mr Darcy's died, and then she's doing the voice of Danger Mouse. Yeah, well, I think it is probably... It's a good test to see if they get that far. Yeah. I mean, you're aware of the fact the brief history of time ends on page 50,

where it's just blank pages after that. No-one's ever discovered it. Yeah, I liked it, though. I like the idea of as mess-ups go, it's good. Is it a mess-up or was it a big publicity stunt? Have you met Sir David Jason? Have you ever interviewed him? What, are you getting that? No, I haven't met Sir David Jason? Have you ever interviewed him? What are you getting at?

No, I haven't met Sir David Jason. Or have you ever met Helen Fielding? Steve's so going to say he's met him. I have met Helen Fielding. She's very lovely, I must say. She's nice, isn't she? Yeah, she's great. Have you met Sir David Jason?

No, no, I'm just asking. Oh, come on. Because you're asking that in a real kind of a, obviously you have. You're just trying to make us look small, and then you're going to say, well, actually, Sir David Jason is my godfather. This is, you've worked in showbiz for too long. A lot of people say that.

Next week. It's a great heckle. Have you met Sir David Jason? You've worked in showbiz too long. Oh, sorry. I'm asking this from a genuine... You've been around... You know, the people you've met. You've been around.

The stories you've got. You've been around the block a few times. Yes. There was no need to stop at every house. Did you interview Helen Fielding? Or did you just... No, I went to Africa with Helen Fielding. I already knew her by that stage.

She has a very... A bit of a strange first date. She has one of those smiles. You know when some people smile and you want to smile with them? Yeah. She has one of those smiles. She's lovely. OK.

So David Jason might be lovely. He might be a total nightmare. I have no idea. I've never met him. So then they bring him back, open all hours. This is the other David Jason. Oh, God. That's my worst show ever.

Never go back. Never go back. That's the secret. I mean, look at... What's worst show ever. Never go back. Never go back. That's the secret. I mean, look at... What's the worst ever piece of going back? Showbiz going back. To me, was Bat Out Of Hell 2. How do you do that?

How do you have an album that's like a sequel? That's rubbish. It was how many years later? Oh, I don't know. It was over a decade. It's just another album. But we'll call it that because that album sold a load and so people

will buy that like it's the other half of that album. Why doesn't he call it Open All Hours 2 and just admit that that's Open All Hours plus some more hours. I can't wait to see people buying seeds and hammers. Sickles and hammers, that's what I yearn for This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio

I hated that tank top that Sir David Jason wore as well He wasn't a sir back then He wore the same costume every week Yeah, well people did wear the same clothes every day in the 70s They did Did they? I always wore the same costume every week. Yeah, well, people did wear the same clothes every day in the 70s. They did. Did they? I always wore the same. People did.

I've said this before. People would say, you know, you know, who meets the guy who wears the corduroy, brown corduroy bomber jacket? Is that how you identified people? Yeah. Through the one outfit? Yeah. We all had, like, you know, honestly, you could have got my...

You know how people talk about packing and the problem? I could have put all my clothes in a suitcase easily. I'd just take everything if I'd ever gone on holiday. Was that what you hated about Open All Hours was the fashion? No. Well, that was one element. You didn't hate it, did you? I didn't hate it.

I despised it. I loved it. Oh, I hated that trumpet at the beginning. And then... Oh. I believe it was called alice where art thou oh see that sums up why i hate it and then i didn't like and then it was people arranging all horrible shop hardware things in a horrible street i couldn't bear it sorry frank it was one

of the great working class sitcoms should that be it oh i loved it did it give you the fear yeah it did actually the but the new version will be like do you remember in the batman tv series he used to climb up the outside of buildings and they'd pass major celebrities looking out the window it'd be like sammy davis junior looking out the window when they went back they'd have a little chat with him and then carry on climbing they could do that they could have celebrities coming into the shop to make it up to date. I don't know if you get people travelling there. Yeah, you know, Naomi Campbell comes in for some scouring pads or something. For candles?

Yeah. Oh. Any sitcom where there's regional pensioners, I don't really like, I'm afraid. Okay. That's a pretty good rule of thought. Last of the Summer Wine is not ranking highly. But do you find them not funny? I find them so depressing that I can't get past that depression.

So it's the bleakness for you? Yeah, the bleakness I don't like. Sorry. I see. That's my favourite bit. Well, the bleakness is your favourite bit. Because I don't want to play my class walk-on, but things like The Good Life and that,

I used to think, I don't know anybody like this. I mean, I do now, obviously, but at the time, like Steptoe and stuff, it was like, you know, they were like Mr Weston at his next door. You see, that reminds me, when you say I don't know anybody like this, that reminds me of when I said, when your parents had dinner parties and you looked a bit horrified. When you said to me, at least everyone has got a contact with show business you said to me your dad must have at least say no a journalist no my dad yeah i've been talking to

this journalist in the pub we had a request in earlier for stories about your dad. You have to do one a week now, so you need to think of one. Well, you did. I've got to think of one for which the whole family can't be arrested, retrospectively. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. I've had a lovely thing arrive when I got in this morning from Carol Ann in Tasmania. Oh.

But she's with Sheila's Wheels. She sent me... She says, I'm a long-time reader who enjoys the podcast each week whilst walking Molly, my greyhound. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, she sent me a container, which is... What it is, as she describes it, it's a useful decanter for pickled onions it has a nifty little inner crate so what it's got inside it is a slightly smaller container obviously it would have to be if it was inside it

but it's got lots of holes in it so you can lift it up, the onions come with it and leave the vinegar behind, and then you can re-immerse them afterwards. Why would you want to lift up the onions, goodness sake? Well, you get to my age, you find yourself lifting up your onions more and more often. No, I just say you can take them

out without, you know, spilling. This sounds like the sort of thing that would have been on sale in the shop we went into. Yeah. She also tells, well, I thank you for that, Carol. And is the name Carol Anne or is it named Carol Anne? Anne is her surname. Oh, that's a funny surname. Well, you know, it could be like Ananzac. Yeah.

She also told me in this about a marketing campaign for a supermarket chain called Coles, in which all their prices were down, and they had status quo, singing down, down, with big foam hands on with the fingers pointing downwards. It sounds great, because on one level it represents the prices in Coles going down, but there must have been something in Quo's eyes when they saw it that it also represents them going down, as it were. Yeah, the contribution to culture. Down, down, deeper and down.

I'd like to see it, though. It must be on everything that's on YouTube. Have you mentioned pickled onions before, haven't you? You've been sent a pickle. What is this? A pickle strainer. Don't grill me. I wouldn't grill you over onions. Okay. I wouldn't grill you over onions. Are there any other items

you would like for your readers to send you? No, I don't normally. I never didn't beg for this. I just struggle more and more to get an onion out of a jar nowadays i don't think struggle no longer brilliant i think there's health and safety forks on the shop as they used to be no they don't trust you like they used to that's what my one of my uh great-grandmother said when she shoplifted they don't trust you in the shop like

they used to i wonder why that is but, that's a lovely thing from Carol Ann. What else? We've had an email, Frank, from Gavin in York. Back to email corner briefly. He says, hello, breakfast team. Frank's weekly item, The Thick of It, is fast becoming one of my favourite updates on breakfast radio. Oh, this is about Robin Thick.

Yeah, Robin Thick. He says, what better way to enjoy it than to contribute, if last week you reveal a few weeks ago in fact now that you revealed that robin's wife paula pattern actually suggested pot upon i call it hey very i say paula put upon you know what i said yeah yeah we heard you we said uh paula put upon uh actually suggested to him that a photo shoot with five naked women would be a good idea. Thick naturally jumped at the opportunity in good faith that his wife was fine with the arrangement. Yeah, right. However, in an interview with Paula about her upcoming film with Denzel Washington,

she revealed that she asked the director if she could do a scene fully nude despite it not being in the script. I love that. Couldn't get a better nudityity into this with denzel yeah says uh is she punishing her husband for not originally saying no when scantily clad women were on offer whatever the situation i give them six months well he says this game is yeah i think the argument that i've seen before when women appear, famous women appear naked in things or do naked photo shoots, is, well, you know, I'm in great shape at the moment. I want to capture this for when I'm older. The way when people...

It's the reverse of when people take photos of their house before refurbishment, so they can remember what it was like when it was in ruins. I was going to say before restoration, but, of course, people didn't have cameras before the restoration. No, it's true. OK, we will continue with this because I can talk sick till the cows come home. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank James has texted to say, Hi Frank, I'm listening to you in Australia and it gets better with status quo. They've changed the words in Down Down to Down Down, prices are down with the red hands. Oh. I want to see that now. It must be on

the YouTube. Have you seen the trailer for their film? Bulla Quo. No. They've, Status Quo have done a film, it's a thriller, I think set in Fiji, in which they get into some crime cases. Are you sure it wasn't a dream that you had? It's a true thing, I promise you this exists. That's a dream. I think it's had a cinema

release and it was universally derided. Did you see this as a night call should have been wiped and missing? Oh, quo. Frank, it's time to return briefly to Email Corner. We're going to hear from someone I'm going to call Mr X.

Lovely. And shortly you'll find out... And you've got a few of those. Yeah. I'm treating this one with rather more respect, though. OK. Hire Frank M. Allen slash Steve. Delete as appropriate. Thanks for the show.

Oh, a bit of washing up there, Steve. Sorry, Archer sound effect. But it has subjected me to the most bizarre feeling of unease. I happily listen to your show, going to and leaving work. It gives me a giggle on my way. Sorry, a bit crazy. So consider my horror to hear that someone whom I work with has emailed in to say they love the show too. Ah, lovely.

Bearing in mind that I hate almost everyone I work with, what should I do? Tell me about it. To discreetly flush out this mystery person with impeccable taste such as myself lots of love mr x and mr x is let's say he's emailing us from a casino in the l3 area okay he says keep me anonymous for pity's sake okay which is a great leap of trust he's made. Yeah. What I suggest, Mr X, is that you get

a ringtone that goes Friend of the show! And then whoever is the other devotee there will pick up on it and you can develop

some sort of secret handshake. Actually, I think we should possibly have some kind of secret show symbol that people can maybe they can just shout pig iron unexpectedly or mortificado or something like that. What about they have to wear black and white check trousers just this week?

And a neckerchief. Someone's texting about that neckerchief. Why do they wear neckerchief? They don't want sweat to get on the offal. Oh, just have Botox in your neck then. That's what most people do. They can arrange it so that every room they walk into the deer hunter starts playing. Yeah. I'm not going to play it. I won't be pushed.

No. Not by Steve Hall in his manipulative ways. Okay, well, anything else with contact? We've had an absolutely charming email from Sarah who has said, long time reader, first time writer. Sarah! Sarah! Prices are down. who has said, long-time reader, first-time writer. Sarah! Sarah!

Prices are down. And Sarah says, I have just been given a two-hour drive-time slot on my student radio station. Oh, I love this. Her first show is on Tuesday. Do they drive, students? Well, they hitch. Hitchtime show. Hitchtime show. Bus time radio station radio station she says to be honest i'm although

i'm wildly excited about the situation i'm also utterly terrified i was wondering if you all still get nervous about the show or whether this constant nausea i am feeling will eventually subside and then she goes on to say some praise which i won't read out but i thought this is a charming ps she says thanks emily for proving that women can be incredibly funny and also be sexy. You're an inspiration for girls like me who hope to achieve both. Oh, wow. That's lovely.

I couldn't do it without the support of you guys. How lovely. Would you like anyone else you'd like to thank? No, I totally agree with that. And as for the nerves before the show, I sometimes think it might be a better show if I did get nerves before the show. I can only apologise to you that I don't.

Sometimes, I'm like, today I have a feeling about midday, I think, have I done the show? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank the show? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're still on these emails, Frank. Yeah, good. Okay.

We've had an email in from Jim. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. Oh, God, sorry, Steve. I can't keep apologising. It's fine. Thank you for your discussions about mares. Do you remember that, Frank? We discussed mares.

I discuss mares more or less every day. It's become something of an obsession with me. Yeah. Can we say, by the way, the cockerel is still filming on... He's on location. He is. He's on L3.

Doing some proper acting. Yeah. How's it going, his sitcom? Oh, don't worry. We won't hear from him again. He's very much enjoying it. Do you think that's it, Frank? He's enjoying it. Is that all there is? Do you think he's gone now?

Have you had contact? I've had contact, yes. He's having a lovely time. It's a show, because as far as I'm aware we're not allowed to say too much about it, but it's a very exciting scriptwriting team. It's a very funny thing. The people involved are wonderful. Well, let's wait and see, shall we?

I've heard that about lots of shows that haven't happened yet. They said it could be a new Blue Heaven. Really? Yes. Why can't we talk more about it? When's Shane 2 coming out? Oh, Frank! In case new readers

might not know that I had a sitcom for ITV. The whole series was filmed, edited. Oh, fang. It was all ready to go. And it still hasn't gone. And that's how many years ago? About eight years ago.

Well, all I'm saying is get on to Dick Fiddy. Yeah. He's the man to talk to. D-Fiddy. Fiddy sense. Okay. Nevertheless. Anyway, what does Jim say?

Yes. He says, thank you for your discussions about mares. It reminded me of when I was in infant school and our class teacher, Mrs Howell, became mayor of, I apologise for mispronouncing this, Torfain? Sounds Welsh, doesn't it? Yeah. I'd completely forgotten about it. Fringe benefits were that one afternoon we got to go to the town hall and eat triangle sandwiches with mini Welsh flags poked in.

Oh, they ate a lot of that kind of thing and don't worry frank they've always got every mayor i've met has had a bit of something in his teeth every mayor yeah is that part of the bling i think i think it's salmon or a lot i think they smell a bit of port as well she wore complete bling bling regalia even though only the local radio were there to interview her. Oh, that's so heartbreaking. She's definitely my second favourite mare after Stuart Drummond. Google him. Peace and love, Jim. Stuart Drummond? It's a pub quiz question, Stuart Drummond.

He's a football mascot. Yes, that's exactly it. He's Hartlepool's. He was Hengist the monkey. And then he stood as mayor as a joke and got in. And the only way they could get rid of him as mayor was they abolished the position of

mayor. He kept on winning the elections. Well, I... That thing about your teacher... The things you remember about your teacher... We had a teacher called Mr Orchard. And I remember at a sports day, his girlfriend came. I hope he was a PE teacher. No, he was a geography teacher.

Oh, even better. And I remember he walked along and he had his hands folded behind his back. But his index finger, that's what you call your first finger, he had his hands folded, but he just had that finger sticking out, and his girlfriend held on to that as he walked away. Oh, wow. Do you remember that? Yeah, because we simulated it and drew it on for years afterwards. I'd never seen anyone hold hands, just clutch my extended fingers.

What about when I got... Oh, sorry, I was going to say, I got all my teachers to sign my autograph book because I thought they were like celebrities. So they were next to... Oh, sorry, I was going to say, I got all my teachers to sign my autograph book because I thought they were like celebrities. So they were next to Kenneth Williams. Oh. Yeah, I remember that. And Yehudi Menuhin. I know someone who got all the dinner ladies autographs.

And they left. And a lot of them weren't declaring their earnings. They were taking quite a risk. I just took a whisker sample from each one. It's a shame for teachers. You'd think, oh, there's nothing much that they could mock me for. I'm a nice teacher, I'm a good bloke. Unaware that the rogue index finger has ruined him.

Yeah, that wasn't exactly true of Mr Orchard. I think he was so cheeked by the kids that he gave up teaching altogether in the end. If you're listening, Mr Orchard, sorry about that. It's not like you've got a recognisable name or anything, don't worry. It's the price of being ridiculous. Anyway, Mark

Crossley is next and you know what, it's been lovely, thanks for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week okay now get out the frank skinner show on absolute radio back saturday morning from eight tune in live for the full frank experience absolute radio