The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Dumped

Episode Date: August 24, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank was joined by Emily Dean and Steve Hall. The team discuss Frank visit to Edinburgh, Maria 'Sugarpova' and the first family portrait of Wills, Kate and Baby George. They also discuss reasons for dumping people.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and this morning I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. Steve Hall's got his feet under the table and he cannot get them out. He's got his hush puppies there. I'm going to make sure the cockerel stays on holiday forever. Oh God, what a threat. Text the show on 81215 if you would. We'd love to hear from you.

And you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or you can email us. There's like a website thing for Absolute Radio. We don't know the email, do we? Yeah, it's got its own page. OK, so we're off. I've only recently returned from, I'm going to say, north of the border. Oh, great. Yeah, it's a lot cooler up there.

I don't mean just, you know, people were wearing espadrilles. I mean that it was, temperature-wise, I found it refreshing. You were in Edinburgh. I was in Edinburgh. There was a festival. You were, too, with Mario Ch show. Yes, well, of course we met. It was lovely. It's somewhat more exciting about people when you meet them

outside of their usual environnement. I totally agree. I felt a frisson with you. Yeah, I felt like we were on the run. You've been already spotted. We've had communication from the public who were excited. Sorry, Steve. Bob, is your chair creaking? Oh, is it? It's like Jacob Marley.

I can't bear it. It could be. It's his spine. I've noticed that Bob's getting in more and more with his slightly off-mic presence. It's like, you know, it's not the Chris Evans show. You're not going to be a character. Carry on.

Deborah has emailed the show. Cut to the week. Steve doesn't turn on. And we've got Bob with us this morning. Bob, how's that Spartan bathing going? Spartan would be a good name for a spa. Yes. Spa.

Spartan it could be. Carry on. Spartan. You've got everything there. Oh, I'll take care of the tan. You look after the spa. What else do they do at those places? What, Sparta?

When you say those places, do you mean Sparta? I meant spas. Oh, OK. Spa treatments they have. You could be called Spartan Treatment. As if you were getting Spartan treatment there. Oh, lovely business. Everything would have to be really basic.

What about waxing? You know, red cloak with a lettering on it, and a Greek helmet just pitched on the capital S at the beginning. I don't want a Greek helmet when I'm getting my waxing done. That's not what I've heard. That's not what I've heard, Emily. That was what you sent me on a postcard once from Cyprus. Anyway, carry on.

Deborah has emailed the show to say, I am writing to say how lovely it was to meet Frank and the Divine Miss M, Greek helmet in hand, at the OC's final show in Edinburgh this week. Well, let's not assume it's his final show. It went all right. She said a compliment, and this is praise, but it's quite sweet praise. She says, Frank, you were a gentleman.

Oh, I don't mind that. That's all right. It's a hint of irony, isn't it? Yeah. It's true. She says you were fun. If you was to take the... I presume gentleman is like over the top of Tippex.

And if you rip the Tippex off, it'll say on the day, it's much older than I thought. Oh. I don't think she means that at all. I think you were a gentleman. I think I know this. And you don't get many fan letters saying that. No, I don't say. I guess. I think you were a gentleman. And you don't get many fan letters saying that.

No, I don't say it. I guess I'm saying you were a gentleman. Yeah. Actually, I don't. That was meant for Lauren Harris. Yes, he was a gentleman. Was he? Was he ever really?

That's a very specific cultural reference. Oh, because you met Lauren. I forget you did. I met Lauren. I forget you did with Wogan. Of course you don't know. Lauren Harris is a woman who's now a woman who's on Celebrity Big Brother. And I met her

when she was James Harris. We should say in a professional setting. In several professional settings. Did you meet her twice with Wogan? I think you can say him in past tense. You met him as a him and her as a her. Yes.

But the her as a her was at a Novotel in Leeds. The rest was on television. We had a lot of wounds to heal. I was thinking, could my career get that bad that I'd go out with Lauren Harris

for publicity purposes that's the text start with Lauren Harris then move on to Chelsea Manning yes or Manning Chelsea go on go on with that email that was nice about us

stop building your part I've been drinking out of Bob's cup. She says, frankly, gentlemen, funny as always and as immaculate as Emily describes. Oh, yeah. I have a suit and tie. You look lovely. I was going to dress up for the O.C. Respect.

And she says, Emily, please take it as a compliment that I didn't recognise you until I heard your rich, regal tones. I assure you it's because you look even younger and more beautiful in the flesh than your absolute profile photo. He said there's a little bit of pride in this. She's worshipped at Emily's altar. I'm very happy with that. Many have. She wasn't the only one this week.

No. But I don't think we'll do that on air. Carry on. She says, I wanted to thank you firstly for letting me know about your ad-lib gig with Stephen Moffat. Oh, yes. I did a... well, I'll talk about that later. I did a gig with Stephen Moffat, who is the showrunner, as they call him now. I think they used to call him, what, executive producer?

I don't know if it's an equivalent. Anyway, he's basically Mr. Doctor Who. Mr. Doctor Who, that's quite an old, hello, I'm Mr. Doctor Who. Yeah, exactly. You've got too many titles. I suggest you lose one. Yeah, but yeah, he's the brains. I did a show'm Mr. Doctor Who. Yeah, exactly. You've got too many titles. I suggest you lose one. Yeah, he's the brains. I did a show with him. But this was at the O.C.

You've took so long to read this out, we're going to have to have a musical interview. We're not even finished either. No, anyway, yes, I'm keen to hear the punchline of this... There better be one, Steve. I'll tell you what, Steve, you've got about three minutes thirty to come up with one. If there isn't, she'll get writing.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, hello. Steve, you were mid-email. I was mid-epic saga of an email from Deborah. Oh, Doug and re-Doug and Doug and re-Doug and Doug, Doug and re-Doug. Do you know it? I do know that song.

Oh, Deborah. I'll do that in the background while you read the email. Oh, please don't. I'll go back a bit. Oh, Deborah. Oh, Deborah continues. Now, in the light of Stephen Moffat's revelation that Peter Capaldi's campaign to be Doctor Who

started when he was a youngster seeking reign of the official fan club, when does Operation Doctor Buzz, the king of the fan club, begin? Surely you can't be turned down for a role on the show, even as a lunar rock with the power of nepotism on your side. Also, before I sign off, my sincerest apologies to Emily for not getting a photograph of her lovely self. I hope it was taken as an honest oversight by an overexcited Skinner fan.

Well, it's funny you should mention that, because she did have my photo with you, Frank, and didn't do poor Em, and I thought, that's awful, I hope that never happens to Em again. And then the OC did exactly the same thing. He did, thanks, OC. Can I just get a shot of you, Frank? I think the OC made me take the picture, which is even more humiliating. To be fair to the OC, we should establish top floor. We actually

really enjoyed the show and he was funny. It was a proper stand-up show and he did proper stand-up. So well done to him, because I interviewed him or interviewed me, we interviewed each other a couple of years ago and I made him vow that he'd have another crack at stand-up. Oh, brilliant. You know,

the story always tells is that he was in the So You Think You're Funny quarter-finals or something many years ago, and Stuart Lee and me turned up, and he said, I could see you in the crowd, and you never laughed once during the

entire show. That sounds unlike someone out with Stuart Lee. I said it. And I said, we would have, but it seemed inappropriate. And also, we didn't want to draw attention. No one else was laughing. Did you also say, we would have, but we were in character? Yeah, I was, but I'm never in character.

No. I have no character to be in. But it was not true this time, so anyway, well done, the OC. You did well. We went back afterwards, Frank't we oh we went back well we went to go back you missed this incident frank because there was a man a sort of bouncer figure i say bounce a more edinburgh bounce a purple sort of t-shirt you know a youth callow youth a ouija speaking of youth before we get to this bit i the oc's crowd who i thought would be obviously 38-year-old men in tour T-shirts and Dunlop green flashes. Hello.

Hello out there. Were quite a yonk. Those people with coloured hair in the front row. You know, like the O.C. had become some sort of Rocky Horror character. I should say, because you know the O.C.'s Christian O'Connell, who does the breakfast show. I know that. Not everyone does. Well, I don't want anything, who does the breakfast show. I know that. Not everyone does. Well, I don't want anything to do with them if they

don't know that. Well, let's not... He's kind of... Because now that the show, the OC, is sort of fading into memory, it would be... You'll start to think... Unless there's someone actively confused and thinking, why is a California-based teen drama doing an Edinburgh show? Frank, let me tell you what happened with this man. Do it.

You missed this, because you were talking to Deborah, the fan. And I said, oh, we just want to go and see Christian. And he went, does he know you? Oh, well, that didn't go down very well with me. I'm afraid I sheltered under your cloak of celebrity. I played my trump card. I said, he knows Frank. Oh, that's terrible of me, Frank.

And then he said, Frank who Frank. Oh, that's terrible of me, Frank. And then he said, Frank who? Terrible moment. Now, then the OC did come down the stairs. No, it was very exciting. He said hello to me first. He went, hey, you came. And I said, look who else came.

And then Frank loomed out a bit, filmed more, out of the shadows. Yeah. Of the trilby. Yeah. It was very third man. And then he went, hello, OC. I lost the drama. It was lovely. It was a lovely.... And then you went, hello, OC. I lost the drama.

It was lovely. It was a lovely... Someone said in the queue, oh, isn't it nice that you've come to cheer on your absolute radio colleague? And it did feel a bit like that. It was lovely. I also pointed out to him... I'm not going to say this because I'm going to hold it back because the adverts are pending.

You'll never know what I've pointed out to the OC. But it was bleeding and it needed to be told. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. I'll tell you what did happen to me. I'd just got off the train in Edinburgh

and I was walking up the ramp from Waverley Station to the street level and a man stopped me, a Northern Irish man, actually, and said, my wife thinks you're brilliant, can I have my photo took with you? So I had the photo took, and he said, yeah, he said, she thinks you're really funny. I have to say, I think you're sort of quite funny,

I have to be honest with you. And I thought, first, you don't have to be honest with me. Don't say any obligation. Never be honest. And also, why do I want some sort of... I don't want to grade. I'll just take funny as a pass. I don't want a breakdown of my scores.

And it really... And I felt, oh, his wife thinks I'm really funny and he thinks I'm just quite funny. Clearly, his wife thinks I'm really funny and he thinks I'm just quite funny. Clearly his wife's much more intelligent than him. He's trapped.

He's trapped with some fool. Well, it means his wife fancies you. No, it doesn't. He's threatened by you. What do you mean by that? Get out. No, it's like

educating Rita. She's got sort of completely, yeah. You know, she's got this husband and she's outgrown him and he's... She's found sort of completely... Yeah. You know, she's got this husband and she's outgrown him and he's... I tell you what, she's found a better song to sing. She has and

yes, it was... She's stuck with this idiot. I think she says that on her t-shirt. I felt like saying, you know, let me get in touch with your wife. There's people that can put her in contact with her and, you know, she can go into higher education and turn her back on. But I didn't. You should have said to me, touch with your wife. There's people up and put her in contact with it. And, you know, she can go into higher education and turn her back on. But I didn't.

You should have said to me, well, your wife sounds very intelligent. You sound, you know, quite intelligent. Reverse her back on it. Yeah, but, I mean, who needs a score from people? Anyway. But you had a nice time, Frank. Yeah. Guess what?

Can I just say, I went to Frank's hotel. That sounds a bit funny. No, it sounds a bit... It was a four years of tension finally. Do you like what I did though, Frank? I ensured that we ate at the hotel and then when the bill comes, Frank has to say,

oh, I'll get this, I'll put it on my room. I did exactly the same thing to John Bishop two days later. Oh, well, I mean, you're here, so you've sort of almost already paid. You've only got to write a sign, I think. It was good. Anyway. Yeah, so I... You went to a party?

I went to... I'd been there for two and a half days, during which time, apart from the OC, I'd seen an exhibition at the library about the life of Dr Livingstone and a one-woman play about Dame Margaret Rutherford. I hadn't seen any other... I have to say the Dame Margaret Rutherford was very, very fine. Anyway, and then I did a show with Stephen Moffat, who is the showrunner of Doctor Who and writes a lot of stuff.

And it was this one that was hosted by Fred McCauley. That's the one, yeah. He knows all the comics. He gets the Who alerts as well. Steve, you know. Who does? I think that's Steve. Oh, you get Who alerts as well.

I do get Who alerts. Oh, excellent. I'm seeing the... They're doing the BFI one later today. Yes. Yeah. I'm afraid I'm... Did you not know that about Steve Frank?

I'm afraid I'm going to the Samuel Beck that about Steve Frank? I'm afraid I'm going to the Samuel Beckett Festival. Can we get on with the show? Sorry. Yeah, I think I slightly upset Stephen Moffat. He got a bit... What happened?

We had a bit of an argument about a couple of things. I'm very anti the doctor flirting with his companions. Yeah. And I said I hope that now there was an older doctor that would stop. Did you? And what did he say? He said, well hope that now there was an older doctor that would stop.

Did you? And what did he say? He said, well, oh, yeah, like older men, don't flirt with younger women. And I thought, well, is that an accusation or a confession? That sounds like the moff is bringing some issues. Did he start running his fingers through his head? Well, obviously. He's still stuck there.

I don't want to upset the moff, for God's sake. But also, we had a falling out about the sonic screwdriver. It's all got a bit tense. If only I kept my stupid opinions to myself. Anyway, I see it used to be. My point was, when it was first used by Patrick Troughton, it was a power tool, and now it's a magic wand. It's become the deus ex machina.

What did he say to that? He said he was going to write an episode in which it saved the universe or something just to wind me up. And then flirted with a young lady. Yeah, exactly. You're never going to be in it now. I know.

I've burnt my boats. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Now, Frank, I wanted to get something off my chest. It was a bit like the opening of Indoor League with Fred Truman. Now then.

Was that Al Siddhi? Yeah, Al Siddhi. Well, first of all, I'm sorry. There was an American darts player called Conrad Daniels. I remember one of the intros was, Will Conrad Daniels yank himself back into the lead? Clever. Not only a bit of racism, but a racist pun.

I think you can do it with Americans. They're still a target. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. I'm going to yank myself back into relevance. OK. First of all, we've had some tests... Well, that was a warning I've said to yank myself back into relevance. Okay, go on. First of all, we've had some texts... Well, that was a warning I've said to him.

If you're not careful, you'll yank yourself back into relevance. So we've had a text from 672 who has said, goodness, I hadn't seen Bob, who we've been referring to with his creaky chair, I hadn't seen Bob on the webcam until now. I would happily get up to all manner of grot. So that's praise of sorts for young Bob. It is, yes.

But then they followed their text up by saying, whereas Steve Hall sounds a lot more attractive than I'm seeing on the webcam, but that's okay. Yeah, that's perfect for radio. You're in a long tradition of disappointingly visual presenters. I'm at ease with my own face. Yeah, I haven't quite got used to it yet. I'm in your face.

No, I'm joking. It's a difficult face to love. I think you've got a very pleasant little face. Yes. Really. It generates warmth. Yeah. Would you come down Spartan Spartan with me?

No. No. Spartan Treatments. Spartan Treatments. I don't know why I said Spartan Spartan. There'll No. Spartan Treatments. Spartan Treatment. I don't know why I said Spartan Spartan. There'll be no Spartan Treatments on date one. That's fair enough. You're in for the long haul,

which was my nickname for a while. Oh, that was when he went on those lads' holidays. I used to work with a guy, if he said anything a little bit rude or daring, his laugh would start as if he wasn't sure if he should, and he'd go... I think... Have you any more to add to that?

I wanted to introduce the new subject, but I realise I've got sidetracked by the email slamming me and praising me. Really, this show is a sidetrack. Remember that. Now, Frank, we need to quote, to use Emily's phrase, we need to talk about Maria Sharapova. Do you mean Maria Sugarpova? Yes,

I know Frank loves this story because he talks of little else in Edinburgh. I feel I might have been taken. In case you don't know the story, Maria Sharapova, the sort of leggy, blonde, tennis superstar, has launched a brand of sweets, of all the things for a sports person.

And I thought, well, they're going to be, obviously they're going to be super healthy sweets, is the thing, but the fact they're called Sugar Pover, unless Pover is Russian for non, is not great, is it? She's made 15 million out of them. She's put sugar in the title. It's like if you bought some salt and fedder

crisps. It's not even a pun. It's so bad that it doesn't even work as wordplay. It's like the first product that they were offering her. So if someone offered to make her garden furniture, her surname would now be Maria Shedpover. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it doesn't really work. But we're all talking about it. Do you think I bet Maury Mintz were on the phone immediately? Oh, yeah. Well, John McEnroe used to just be John Enro, and then the burger people got involved. I noticed...

Well, no, but she's not doing it now, is she? Was she ever going to do it? Haven't we fallen for her trap? Are you suggesting we've been had? Because the idea, in case you don't know, was that she was going to change her name by deed poll just for the duration of the American Open. The US Open, yeah.

I like that you call it the American Open. Yeah, thank you. I just had a flashback. Oh! Not the Milton Intercontinental. No, no. No, she was from the home counties. And she was going to change her name to actually to Maria Shugapova. And apparently she said there'd be passport problems.

I realised then she was never going to change her name. Yeah, you're right, Frank. But, of course, we all started saying, oh, have you heard that story about... I didn't like passport complications. It sounded a bit Carlos the Jackal. Yeah, it was suspicious. Yeah, I actually talked to a colleague...

Sorry, I don't know if you know this, Stephen, but my obsession with Carlos the Jackal... Do you know Carlos the Jackal, the international assassin? Who doesn't? Of yesteryear. There was one photo of him in like Elvis Shades. The cover of the old Black Grape album.

That's right. But on it, he's got one collar tucked in and the other one out. And I bet you, on many occasions, Carlos has seen that in the papers and thought, why didn't someone tell me about my collar? There's one picture of me. There's no another picture of him, actually, with a beard.

I think that's the only other collar. And the beard, he's grown, he's grown to sort of below collar length, thinking I'll never make that mistake again. Anyway. I noticed her agent, he's called Max Eisenbud. He sounds a nice man.

He sounds a bit like he subscribes to Cigar Aficionado, I think. He said that Maria has pushed her team to do fun out-of-the-box type things. She doesn't seem that sort of person. It's such an arrogant thing to do that it feels like it would be natural justice if she developed diabetes. Well, that's a lovely thing you've said. I think it brings me back to something I often mention on this show, that, you know, there was a lot of good stuff about Soviet Russia. And that would, of course, they wouldn't have done it.

We wouldn't have got Russians doing capitalist things like that. You know, they were too busy doing parades and holding big bunches of flowers. She'd be Maria Military Hardware Pover. Yeah, exactly. And she'd be, you know, she'd have her own brand of missile. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about Maria Sugar Pover.

It still upsets me, because the thing about her was that before this story, all I knew about her was that she played tennis. And when she won Wimbledon in 2004, when she was young, it was a really exciting thing. And she's a big grunter. I didn't know that about her, but I don't move in the same circles you do. No, well. And so when you find out a fact about someone that's a bit depressing,

I had the same emotion. It's like when I find out a fact about someone that's a bit depressing. Yeah. I had the same emotion. It's like when I found out that, like, Beck is a Scientologist. It's the same emotion as discovering someone is a Scientologist. I didn't know Beck was a Scientologist. When I found out Tom Selleck was a Republican, same thing. Yeah. And it's that moment of, oh, that's a shame. NRA as well.

Yeah. Awful. When I found out Louis Spence was a homosexual. Is he? He's not. Yeah. Awful. When I found out Louis Spence was a homosexual. Is he? He's not. Yeah. He's not, is he? But the period before that, which I think was 0.4 of a second before I worked it out,

I thought, you know, he's the man I've been looking for for my rugby prop, my prop forward. He's the such a thing as a prop forward. I don't know anything about it. There is. Thank God for that. I'm not thinking you even know that. There's tight head and loose head. I don't know which Lewis Wentz would have been. Oh, God. Now, she's pulled out of the US Open, though, hasn't she? Oh, has she?

I didn't know that. Well, I'll tell you what she cited. She cited right shoulder burstitis. How made up does that sound? Something Boz would say. Right shoulder burstitis. Yeah, it's a balloon burstitis. How made up does that sound? Something Boz would say. Right shoulder burstitis. It's a balloon burstitis. Except she's going to try and have it renamed sugar poveritis. Well, it used to be a thing at school.

You just said a word and put itis on there. I remember my dad used to talk about people having idlitis. We have mentioned itis when you fancy someone and then they keep coming up in the conversation. Oh yeah, they keep cropping them up. But she's not the only one

because Tiger Woods has pulled out as well. Oh, you should see Frank's face now, ladies and gentlemen. A tournament. It's in New Jersey, but guess why he decided not to be in it? Because he said his hotel bed was too soft. Yes, I read this. I had a certain sympathy.

Because I don't like a super soft bed. No, I don't. I'd be happier on the floor than a super soft bed. I tell you what, what's your, my ideal consistency is Poet's Corner, Westminster Abbey. Oh, wow, that's very, that's hard. Oh, yeah.

That's what I ask for in hotels. If they can't do it, I leave. Yeah, but you'd think he'd know all that stuff in advance. I was staying up in Edinburgh, and it was one of these places, I've moaned about this before on here, where the duvet is so thin. Oh, yeah.

It's toggeage doesn't even register on the toggeage. It's like tracing paper. It's sub-toggeage. Oh. Exactly. I could haveggage doesn't even register on the toggage. It's like tracing paper. It's sob toggage. Oh. Exactly. I could have liked... You know when people say, and I used to get in bed with the torch and read under my duvet,

I got in bed and read through my duvet. Oh, I was waking up cold. You don't want to be waking up cold. It's the worst thing. I've just thought of seven worst things. Let's move on. you're listening to frank skinner's podcast from absolute radio uh this is frank skinner on absolute radio with emily dean and steve hall in residence hall in the house hall hall in residence you're saying like halls

of residence. Yeah. You can text us on 8-12-15. I don't think anyone has today. I don't think we've been as interactive as we should be. We really haven't. We should come up with a sort of a... We've done enough shout-outs. Remember when Daisy used to say, you should say things like,

where is... Are you listening to this anywhere unusual? Or anything interesting about where you are when you're listening? Maybe we should do one of those. Generic phonings. Yeah. Well, I've got a question I wanted to ask. Oh, do you

haven't finished my details? He's got his details. I do apologise. I've jumped the gun. You hold your horses with your question, do you? I'm too eager. Hold your horses what? Follow the show on Twitter, Frank on the radio, and you can email us through the Absolute Radio website. And relax.

I wanted to ask your good selves and the wider public. I'm glad you said your good selves. It's the office comedian. It's called me. If you're going to say that, you have to wear a Homer Simpson necktie. Crikey. A few of those in the papers. Yes, and your good selves.

I'll see you at lunch. Okay, just nipping to sales. Just FYI, I've just been doing some blue sky thinking. Awkward! Poor Steve, he's not three bad. That was a bit lol random. I used to love lol random. Oh, don't die.

What a left-back he was. Go on, Steve. I had an experience this week with my brother that left me wanting to see my favourite ever film. It's a film that's not very often screened. Hold on, don't tell us. Let's guess. Oh, shall we guess? Shall we have that as the text here?

What's Steve's favourite film? What do you think it will be? Ball Park. Well, I'm thinking what he might go is a bit childhood, sort of sentimental. It might be something like Goonies. Oh, okay. I think it'll be something like Woody Allen.

Woody Allen, you're so right, Frank. But, you know, Steve, because he doesn't want to go number one on the nail, it won't be Annie Hall, it'll be Manhattan. Frank, I think you've nailed it. Okay, that's fine. You're in the ballpark. That's our answer. You've gone for the right thing.

It's basically my favourite film, predictably. I'm fairly smug and fairly, like, overly obscure things. OK. And I think I'm cleverer than I actually am. Will we have heard of this? No. Oh. I didn't want to do that before you guessed.

OK. I mean, it's sort of two, it's equal. It's Empire Strikes Back, which is a less obscure film. I've heard of that. No, but that's what he says to his friends in the pub when he's trying to impress them. There's an Australian film. Oh. The first time I ever heard of this film. Well, Matt Lannan was a

good guess because it's sort of Empire State Building Strikes Back. There's a film, I was wondering if you'd ever actually seen it. It's a film called Wake in Fright. No. And it's the first time I ever discovered this film. It was introduced as being Robert Mitchum and Nick Cave's favourite film. And it's the first time I ever discovered this film. It was introduced as being Robert Mitchum and Nick Cave's favourite film.

And it's a lost Australian classic. It was made in 1971 and it stars Donald Pleasance. And it's kind of an Australian heart of darkness where this teacher in the outback he's trying to get back to Sydney for the Christmas holidays.

But he gets stuck in a small town and Sorry about this everyone gambles everything away steve's telling the plot of the film can you believe that that's actually happened this is this is how obsessive my love for it is okay well we'll get the gist of it it's a brilliant film it's uh and so i it's not very often screamed i'm gonna show it showed it to my brother i'm not and it's such a scary thing, that act of, when something you really love in the nerdy, overly passionate way I've just displayed. Yes. And then when you share it with people close to you, that's such a terrifying

thing. I don't like doing it. When I got off the train yesterday from Edinburgh, I went straight to Fop. You know Fop? Oh, I know Fop. It's a very fine shop. And I bought the box set of Margaret Rutherford as Miss Marple film

excellent and I said to Cathy you must watch this you'll really love them but of course I'll be tense in case she doesn't oh I don't like it

I recommended Mr Saturday Night to Russell Cain because you referenced it and it reminded me of it yes I said haven't you seen it the Betty Crystal

I said oh I've got that movie and I said what did you think of it and he never replied oh, I've got that movie. And I said, what did you think of it? He never replied. Oh. Dear, oh dear. Oh. But I'm intrigued if the readers have anything. I did a thing at the British Film Institute where I picked a film that had a big influence

on my life and it was actually screened. I was in the audience. This was before we'd met. And that's the ultimate expression of this thing, because I thought, people start walking out, then you ring. If they don't like your film or your book you recommend, you've failed. What they don't like is you. It's true, isn't it?

Because you're saying this isn't the core of what I like. You showed Lenny. I did. That's long before we'd ever met. I sat in the audience and watched it. Oh, that Lenny Henry film, I loved that. What a fabulous coincidence that was. That was like when all those bands in Manchester

went to the Sex Pistols and then all became... You know, that gig. Yeah, yeah. OK. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So let me tell you more about this film. I don't think I've gone into enough detail. So then he goes... Thanks. It's becoming a bit of a film ball. Perhaps in our desperate craving for interactivity, we could say to our readers,

is there anything that you've, like, a book or a film or a piece of music you've shared with a friend or loved one and they've not gone for it? It's terrible. You know, I used to do this thing, I've confessed to this previously, that any woman who I got involved with who I thought maybe this could go somewhere.

Oh, I know this. Not because I've been involved with you, I hope. No, of course. And I'm sure you would have passed the test, but I used to test them secretly by playing that dance sequence that Laurel and Hardy do in, I think it's in Way Out West, when they dance in the street to

Commencing Dancing. Commencing Dance. And I just always saw it's the very core of what's funny about human beings. And if I showed it to someone and they didn't register much, then I knew we could never fall in love.

That's exactly it. I think everyone's got these key things where, and it's such a scary moment because you can meet someone you think is amazing. And if they fail to like that, the first time my wife admitted to me that she thought blur would only average. This would be a good text in reasons for dumping people. I once dumped someone because they referred to Fever Pitch as a novel. Oh, I don't like that.

That was enough for me. I got a text saying you're an angle instead of angel. Oh, dear. But that could have been... I don't care. Oh, OK. I won't take any prisoners. What you actually dumped there was predictive.

I remember reading that Sean Hughes once dumped someone because she liked TFI Friday. Well, depends which series, really. OK, well, I... Oh, sorry, I think I've pulled something in my stomach. Oh, dear. I'm embarrassed because I quite like some quite bad 80s music. Now, not only does it date me,

but it means that you can't put it on shuffle. There might be... There's a Heaven 17 in there. But do you like... And a Blow Monkeys. Are these deal-breakers if they don't like them? And do you mean like, or do you mean guilty pleasure, irony, bit of a nudge-nudge?

No, I don't mean irony. I would listen to it genuinely on my own. That means it's not ironic. Because I'm losing patience with that sort of guilty pleasure idea that people, I don't really like it, but I'm sort of enjoying it. If you don't like it, you don't like it.

That's fair enough. Ghostbusters I genuinely like as a piece of music. Yeah, that's brilliant. It was the way people would defend the darkness and that was the thing where you can either like the darkness or not, but there were people who clearly hated it, but saw which way the wind was blowing. I was always frightened. See, Frank, you turned me on to Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Yes. And that was quite moving. I didn't actually find... And that wasn't ironic. I learnt a lot from Dog. No, that was ironic, you see. You've lapsed into it. Sorry to go ironic.

I saw comedian Tim Key the other day, and he had a green leather jacket on, and I saw the 70s cot, and I said, you're wearing that ironically, aren't you? And he said, what about your suit? Maybe the producer should see her face. And he said, what about your suit and tie? And I said, yeah, actually.

Oh, God, we've both dressed slightly ironically. Has it come to this? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Where were we? Well, we've had quite a few texts and emails. Good. Yeah.

They've been writing in about two subjects, which are kind of connected. They've been writing in about two subjects, which are kind of connected. They've been writing in about why you would dump someone. Yes, I'm very interested in reasons for dumping, obscure reasons. And also things that they like, that would be a deal-breaker if someone didn't like it. Yes.

For example, Ryan has tweeted, well, if they don't like Star Wars, or at least attempted to watch it, then there wouldn't be a relationship. I think that's something noble about that, though. You just think, I can't, I need to share. Producer Daisy was just saying she's nearly ended it with her fella

because he refuses to watch The Wire. It was very nearly the end of a relationship. That's why me and Daisy have never had one. I will not watch any of those American serials. I know you won't. Speaking with Merlin. Just you. Fee says she dumped someone who texted that they missed me,

spelt M-I-S-T, rather than missed me. Fee. Needy and an inability to spell. Unacceptable. That's Fee Street. And I like it. We've had a text from Lee who says... Fee, Lee. This is all from one Chinese person. We've had a text from Lee who says... Fee Lee?

This is all from one Chinese person. We just need someone called Touchy. Touchy Fee Lee. Oh, yeah. Lee says, a friend of mine dumped a long-term girlfriend because she had the cheek to flush the toilet in his flat. This was because he was on a water meter and he was extremely careful with his money.

This is like my theory about only flush at the end of the day before you go to bed. And then you only... You know, to save the planet, and you take it all in one hit. You can't dump someone because of that. You're not saying dump immediately after that. 536 has said he split up with his girlfriend

after an England squad was announced, and she referred to Tony Adams as a shower of manure. It still winds him up now. You've taken the alliteration out of that. I have. Good man. I've made it acceptable. To be fair, she was referring to Chapter 7

in his autobiography Addicted, I suspect, which I've read, and it's one of my favourites. But as I said, the brilliant thing about Addicted, I suspect, which I've read, and it's one of my favourites. But as they say, the brilliant thing about Addicted, it's a powerful, gut-wrenching story of heavy drinking and the life of a professional sportsman. And then the last chapter is my all-time great 11. What about this, Frank? 990. At university, I showed a matter of life and death to a flatmate.

Oh, David Niven. I kept talking and saying, isn't it great? I ruined the film for him. End of friendship. Wow. That's a big one. That's pretty strict. I find someone saying, isn't this great, really helps. So, it's hot. It's hot.

It's got hot in it. We've had a good text about someone... Well, it wasn't that they dumped them, but this was something they found unattractive. My ex cried when she couldn't play video games. She was very competitive. I found it a bit overwhelming. That's from Niall.

He tweeted us with that. It sounds... Yeah, he might have stopped with her for other reasons. But obviously that wasn't his factor. We've had a tweet from Andy Sanders who said that he told an ex when they got together that she absolutely was not allowed to play her Michael Jackson collection on his stereo. And they stayed together, but he set the ground rules early. Yeah, that's probably...

Me and Kath, my girlfriend, we had quite a big... I think we might have actually split temporarily because she didn't know who George Galloway was. It's amazing what can cause a thing like that. It just made me think, oh, well. I once dumped a girl because we were at the theatre and she shouted out Bravo at the end. Oh, yeah.

And that's the bit where you just know, well, we are not meant to be in this life. A friend of mine had a woman saying, I'm off to spend a penny and I don't think he was there when she came back. Well, a friend of mine dumped her boyfriend because when he got into bed with her, he used to do that, you know,

you hold your hands together and do that dive, like people dive into a house. He used to do that diving, like people dive into that. He used to do that dive in, that comedy dive in. Wow. Yeah. What about Elizabeth, Frank? Hi, Frank. I can remember dumping someone in the 80s.

We were teenagers and he was a school hunk, but thick as, let's say, two planks. Anyway, he came over to see me in the rain. His bright red espadrilles got wet, so my mum insisted he dried them on our solid fuel boiler. After an hour, the rubber soles curled up, and it put me right off. Really? Ever since then... Oh, it's all been a bit of Arabian nights.

Ever since then, I've had a thing about shoes. They've got to be right. Plus, I got my mate to dump him, which wasn't very nice. Lots of love, Elizabeth. I know. You know, Elizabeth's on to something about shoes. I think if you see someone... I like a Turkish slipper.

Yeah, I'm happy with a Turkish slipper, don't get me wrong. But sometimes if you meet someone and you look at their shoes and they just look like they might have got them on prescription. I do. I think I maybe judge people in well you know what a deal breaker for me is i think i might have told you this is just any men any of my suitors out there if you're listening i won't i can't abide uh a caramel you know this frank a caramel loafer with a square toe oh yeah the sort of richard hammond ones yeah what do you feel about a man with no socks? Oh, I'd be very happy with that.

Yeah, with those, what are they called? Those ones that are like moccasins. Oh, what, with a loafer? Loafers, yeah. Oh, I'm happy with that. Man United team, mid-90s. Paul Weller style, council style. As long as they're immaculate like you.

It's more, once again, it's the older man in the Emmanuel films. You see, Emmanuel, love is like a fabulous flower when it opens. Yeah, get away from me. That's a deal breaker, that, not liking Emmanuel.

Yeah. No, I never tried that one, I must say. What else? Well, I tell you, we haven't discussed Ben Affleck. Oh, Ben Affleck

as Batman. He's the new Batman. What did you think of this? Well, he's you, we haven't discussed Ben Affleck. Oh, Ben Affleck as Batman. He's the new Batman. What did you think? Well, he's the new Batman in the Superman franchise. Well, yeah, what does it all mean? Well, it means that they don't have to have the same Batman in the Batman films as they have in the Superman films. In case he doesn't work out. I mean, it never quite

worked in the comics when they were in the Justice League of America. It was like Batman and there's Superman and all these people with proper amazing powers and then there's like a sort of hard acrobatic millionaire with good technical backup

it's not the same thing and in one of the comics, I think quite recently the Green Hornet, not the Green Hornet the Green Lantern turns on Batman and says, I don't really know why you're here. And it's the question that no-one had ever dared to ask in the Justice League. I'll tell you what it is. Address the bat in the room.

It's the inconvenient truth, and I don't like that in a comic. Yes, it's... Of course, you know, I haven't told Steve about my strange history with Batman. I might tell you that afterwards. Can we also talk about the hair? Because if it's making me tense, it's making you tense. What hair? Hair that works.

Oh, I see. It meant Steve's hair. Now, that did make me tense. It is disappearing at a rate of notch, when anyone can see on the webcam. That made me tense in the biggest way. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8

on Absolute Radio. So you were about to tell us. Well, to tell you, actually, specifically, when I was a kid, I used to hang around with my cousin David a lot. He was a little bit littler than me. I think I might have been slightly

older. Anyway, he was shorter than me so my mom made me a batman outfit and his mom um made him a robin outfit i find this one of the most poignant tales ever yeah and so we we you know we we went around um writing wrong um in oldbury in the west midlands uh for about two weeks, me saying stuff like, come Robin, let's take a look in Barford Park to see if Matt Allen is on the bunny hill. On his wellies. That's fantastic. But we got a bit fed up of it,

to be honest. Yeah. We love the outfits, but we got a bit fed up of the acting. So what we started doing was just hanging around with the other kids but as batman and robin as i said to emily it was a sort of off duty and of course you never see in the comics batman and robin off duty because when they're off duty

they get chanced into their dick and bruce exactly so we would literally be like sitting on the swings in the park as Batman and Robin. We used to play football as Batman and Robin, sometimes on opposite sides, which unnerved me. I would say I'm probably the only example. An incident in Langley Park is the only time there was ever a free kick given for cloak pulling. But that was it. We were just Batman and robin all the time it was that's fantastic there's a brilliant stand-up comedian called seymour mace

and he had an edinburgh show his edinburgh show a few years ago it was autobiographical about how he'd been obsessed with batman and so as a special treat his mum made him a Robin outfit but he didn't have a Batman to hang out with oh no it was about how it used to wander the streets I think Newcastle I think he grew up in uh he'd wander the streets of Newcastle and people would shout at him where's Batman they would of course they would what a nightmare I found to what I think the reason we stopped doing it maybe I imagine this but I find that we'd approach a group of kids and the conversation would slightly stop, like they might be talking about something illegal.

They didn't want to discuss it in front of Batman as well. Oh, because you were vigilante figures. At first I took it very seriously, because we were only about, I don't know, ten. So a kid said to me... He had pants over his knee. A kid said to me that was a funny thing that happened in the park. I said, I wasn't in the park on Saturday, what are you talking about?

Because I was trying to keep up my secret identity. What about Ben Affleck, Frank? We're going to have to play some music. Ben Affleck can't follow that. We need to talk about his hair. It arrived separately to him. It arrived separately to him. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

We've had some texts in. Reasons for dumping people. I'm excited about this one. Okay, 933. My friend took her boyfriend home to meet her parents and he looked at a picture of Einstein on the wall and said, so is that your grandad? They didn't last for long after that. That's fair enough. He had to go.

Is that the sort of thing they try and pull off as a joke once they realise their mistake? Yeah, they style it out. The only way I can forgive him is if that text is signed Karen Einstein. 006. Hi, Frank. I had to dump a boyfriend because he always had little crusty pieces of food in the corners of his mouth.

Oh, I don't like that. I mean, that sure does sound like she was dating someone with a massive beard, I'm going to guess. Yeah. It's a very significant tough. Not necessarily. Even worse if there was no beard. They were only secured by saliva. Maybe he had the beard.

And mouth snow. You know that mouth snow you get? The worst mouth snow is when it gets so confident it strays out the corners of the mouth. I can't bear that. And builds that cord down the centre of the mouth. I, um, yeah, I don't like that at all. And maybe he had the beard. What happened to supply teaching?

Fred in Fulham has said that he seriously questioned his marriage to his wife when she turned off This Is Spinal Tap after 20 minutes. Well, that's why me and Fred from Fulham could never get on, because I always thought, I saw that, lots of people said to me, oh, man, you've got to go and see this film. And I saw it, and I didn't even, if I'd have hated it, I thought they could have forgiven me. I thought it was all right, Spinal Tap.

And now you meet those people who say, oh, it's like that bit in Spinal Tap. And I always say, yeah, I saw Spinal Tap, I thought it was all right. And you can see their faces dismissing me. So that's the other end of the equation. As Karen's granddad would say. What about Mehmet and Paul? I wasn't ever bothered with superheroes at school, but me say what about Mehmet and Paul I wasn't ever bothered with superheroes

at school but me and my mates Mehmet and Paul would play Lassie's Rescue Rangers I don't remember Lassie's Rescue Rangers I must have been connected with Lassie I'm assuming maybe not as famous we even went to a fancy dress party as the team Mehmet was Lassie

Paul was a raccoon and I was Ranger Ben. That would be fantastic if Lassie started being treated as a superhero. So she just, she crops up in the Avengers. Good use of she. A lot of people would have said he then, respect. I don't remember, what was it called, Lassie's Power Rangers?

Oh, you're getting mixed up with the white Power Ranger who was a minor celebrity back in the 90s. Oh, okay. I never dated him. The white Power Ranger, who was a minor celebrity back in the 90s. Oh, OK. I never dated him. The white Power Ranger, that sounds incredibly offensive. That became a thing. Do you remember? It was South African blood. That became a thing.

It was like, who's turning up to the party? We've got Sonya, white Power Ranger. Can we go to the evening? It's like when you went to the panto. Which gladiator will we get? Yeah. You always wanted Jet, Frank. You speak for yourself.

I always wanted Hunter. And you know why I always wanted Hunter, do you? Why? So I could write a note, leave it in his dressing room, with this. Oh, the old ones. Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. OK, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Yes, I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hoyt. People have been texting about reasons for dumping people. We've had some excellent ones. Good. Joanna from Kent says she once dumped someone before it really began. He took me to the cinema for our first date. He went to the toilet during the film and returned without closing the cave, i.e. fastening his flies.

Oh, that's... I mean, that doesn't mean that was deliberate. She suggested it was deliberate. No, no, she says she didn't think there was any grot on his mind, but she considered it a deal breaker. Oh, dear. Did she think he was going to move the popcorn at the last minute? That's happened to me, and I loved it.

641, re-dumping. I dumped an ex because he kept repeating what I said in a sarcastic voice, e.g. me. Do you have any tomatoes in your fridge? Him. You're a tomato. I think that might have been me. I did worry it might be you.

They might be from the Dudley area. I like the way they say in the text, he was 27. Yeah. He sounds alright to me. I knew you'd like that. But that's great because when she went, you're dumped, he'd go, no, you're dumped. Yeah, or just, you are okay frank can we read some emails from our listeners shall we go to uh email call i've got a bit bored with the email should we come up with

a new jingle i know it's time for email corner lovely we've had an email in. This is from Kirsty. Hi, Frank, Emily and the very lovely Alan. Sorry about that, Steve. It's fine. It's fine. You're lovely as well.

I was sitting at work trying to avoid said work and happened to notice online that Sony had stopped sponsoring the Sony Radio Awards. Apparently, they haven't told anyone why and I can only presume they're taking a stand at you not winning this year. Hopefully, the people running the awards Well, there are many factors here. First of all, you'd have to change the judges, not the sponsor. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Yeah, and also, when we went to the OC the other night,

because he won two, which sound is, did he win? I think he won Best Supporting Actor. He picked up a trot load this year. Best Supporting Actor. And I think Emily was nominated for Continuing Drama. No, whatever it was, what was it? Best presenter. Best presenter, was it?

Oh, lovely. And I said, he'll be that in perpetuity now, because there'll never be another Sony. So he will hold the Sony Award forever. I think he won two. He gets to keep it like it's the Zenith data system. Yeah, he's the sort of... The eternal flame.

He's Sony's answer to the eternal flame. What a lovely thought. I could see he was quite pleased. He'll always be the Sony holder. They should have a little flame outside. Some of those sports presenters

can use it to light their fags. Yes, I'd happily have a flame at the judges' meeting. Why stop at a flame? Let's have a house fire. So if they're now... If they're no... There's no sponsor now.

So I see a gap in the market. Yeah. I think if we sponsor it. Should we sponsor it? I'm doing all right now. I'm actually doing all right now. Just call them the Franks. They've been, they've been, look what they did last time.

I mean, they wreaked havoc in Europe. But how much, we should work out how much sponsorship costs. Maybe start a Kickstarter pledge campaign. See if the readers can... You know what? I've washed my hands of the whole affair. We're never going to get one now. I just don't care about it. I'm going to be outside. You know, apparently when Natalie Wood got married,

she'd been out with James Dean and he still carried a torch for her. So when she got married, James Dean sat outside the church on a motorbike revving it really, really loudly so people couldn't hear the ceremony very well. Are you sure that wasn't Dr Fox? Maybe that was Dr Fox at the Sony. That's one of the less cool James Dean stories. You hear about him being the king of tragic cool

and he's quite a petty man. Just creating noise havoc outside a church. I love him for that one. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. On the subject of dumping Frank,

Mark Atkinson has tweeted the show to say, I, like Frank, am a big Doctor Who fan. I dumped a girl once because she called Colin Baker a fat clown. Never again. He says never again in a very angry way. I wonder if that was when he was actually the Doctor or maybe since. He's filled out. Yeah, he has filled out.

Yeah, it's a bit harsh if it was when he was I see him do those little interviews sometimes. Well, this is my point with Stephen Moffat, that if the modern doctors dress like the Colin Baker doctor that the sexual element would just disappear. It was a natural contraceptive.

Sorry, the six doctors. And the seven doctors come to mention. Anyway. You won't be corrected. We've had an email as well from Jackie, staying in email corner. She said, dear Frank and team,

I'm finally catching up on two months worth of podcasts that I've stockpiled. And she wants you to discuss hypnosis. Oh, yes. Because you were discussing hypnosis on a previous show. We were discussing whether it exists or not. We were dubious. Frank and I don't believe it.

She said she went one better and took part in past life regression after seeing Baldrick, not whilst in character, use the very same woman. During his experience, he could taste and smell all sorts of things from his past life. Does she mean Tony Robinson? She does mean Tony Robinson.

It's famous enough to not only be referred to as Baldrick. No, but he's got that Lovejoy Boone thing going on. Has he? Yeah, where they're just known by their character name. Yeah, I suppose so. I think of him very much as... What's that one where people in bad clothes point at soil? Time Team.

Time Team. Yeah, Carol. I think of him as made marrying his merry men as well? I don't think of him that much. I think of him as the subject of this email, which I'd quite like to finish. She said, look, it's a nice chat. I've been to his house in Bristol.

Oh, is that new wife or old? It was for the football. OK. That's not dabbling people's personal lives. I always do. She says that whereas he had, whereas Mr Robinson had enjoyed the past life regression thoroughly, she fell asleep really quickly. And then the woman spent an hour asking her questions about what she could see and hear.

All she could see and hear was her and her living room. Oh, okay. She said the pressure of performing all got a bit much and she felt inclined to play along. Oh, well, see, this is my theory, where people feel they have to at least pretend that they are. Yeah, this is what she did. She said, she asked me what my name was, and I said Georgia. Then she asked me where I lived, and I got so panic-struck, I said Georgia. And then she did, apparently, the hypnotist.

Then she's famous newsreader, and she went Georgia Lagaya. famous newsreader. I think she went, Georgia Lagaya. Oh, isn't this... Have you ever tried doing a false name or something like that at the last mini? People say, what's your name? You think you don't want to give them a name? And you say, John... John Johnson.

It's really hard to lie at the drop of a... Carry on. She says that the hypnotist messaged her afterwards saying what a great candidate she was for past life regression and how easy she was to work with.

Not quite sure who the fool was in this instance. Oh, it's a good point. Jackie. Georgia. Jackie. Oh, poor Jackie. There's a barn, isn't there?

Isn't that one of the things they say? They say there's like a barn and there's like a big, there's a door and some rafters and hay and livestock. And often they're a serving wench from the 18th century. Oh, they're always a serving wench. It's always broadly along very stereotypical things that you'd have picked up. They're often Egyptian, I find.

Yeah. I don't think I was anything. Don't you? No, I think it's in Africa. I think if you were something, I think it was in Birmingham. Yeah. I'm not being rude, but you're so Birmingham. Couldn't be an alcoholic.

I took a glass of Robinson's lemon barley water up to bed with me last night. I get a bit thirsty in the night. Yeah. And I woke up this morning and I thought, I'll have a swig of that. Luckily, I put the light on. Oh. Because there was about 12 ants. Oh.

Now, where did they come from? We live on the 11th floor. Oh. That's the texting. I don't get it. That'll be those... They wouldn't climb that far, would they? That'll be those Maria Sugarpova sweets you bought.

Where did they come from, those creatures? I don't know. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Boys, I don't know if you saw this.

I'm sure you did. But the Cambridge baby, I like to call him the Cambridge baby, he had his first official photo taken this week. Oh, yes. Did you see it, the family set-up? It was Michael Middleton took the photograph. Michael Middleton, that's who you are with the two labs they had a black they've got a black one and a cream one lupo and tilly okay well yeah now some people said the photos

weren't that good i thought they were they looked absolutely like every other photo well it was it the i read it it was described as technically poor. That was the way, and I thought that's the first time anything to do with the Middletons or the Waleses has been described as technically poor. Well, I think there's a thing that photographers know deep down, and some of my best friends are photographers, but they know deep down that anyone can do it. Yeah, these days, they can.

And they don't want someone exposing that in the papers. I mean, I have to say, I take brilliant photographs. No, you don't. I do, I can show you. Yeah, I've seen them, they're not that good. Those are the ones of you, I have to... I have to do that soft focus thing, it's not an accident. Honestly, I'm a natural.

You're very photogenic. Are you talking about that now? Yeah. What? What's going on. You're very photogenic. Are you talking to Frank now? Yeah. What? What's going on? You look great in it. Look, you've got the job. Is this sexual harassment at work?

You are quite photogenic, Frank, actually. Well, what I'm saying is I'm good at taking photos. And I used to think, well, everybody is. To be fair, when I was on MySpace for about three months and I looked at some of people's photos, they can't even get the person in the middle. You know what I mean? I mean, some people clearly can't.

I'd say about 70% of the population could easily operate as professional photographers. I think the problem with him, with MM, is that the criticism appears to be that he shot into the light, and that's rule one of photography, apparently, is that you don't do that, because it's a bit ageing on the face. I mean, the trees look lovely. Well, I'd argue with William's...

As a bald man, with William's hair shooting into the light probably does William a favour, otherwise... Oh, maybe that's why he did it. No, but you don't want being bat lit if you're thinning now, do you? Because it's that thing you look like a dandelion. If you shot into the light, sure there'd be no Kate Middleton. Oh. It's a bit weird when Lord Snowden is your uncle,

to not bring him up. He'll do mates, right? You know I was photographed by Lord Litchfield once? Shut up. Yeah, and I had to do, it was three photos and they were going to be on enormous posters. It was a testicular cancer campaign. So he had to, and I thought, God, the posters, they'll be so big, they'll be so scrutinised because they're big. They'll let it get absolutely perfect.

And there's three different setups. I'm going to be there all day. I was there, I think, 14 minutes. Wow. He sat. He's good. He was good. He sat with, like, you know the things that the weather people have,

the weather readers, when they have, like, a hand set with a button on. And he lined me up, and he was watching it all on a screen, and he'd say, right, Frank, lift your left arm a little better. Sue, can you just move that? That's it. Okay. Okay, that your left arm a little better. Sue, can you just move that? That's it. Okay. Okay, that's that one done. Oh.

For the three photos, he took four photos. Brilliant. I didn't get any proof sheets. I like him for that. I thought it was a classic, like, leisurely aristocrat. Because usually photographers take 500 photos and then you choose. That's what he did. No, but you're right. Everyone can do it now.

Sorry, photographers. It's tricky because Lord Snowden, I think, took the first official photo of William as a baby. And it's an odd photo because William looks cute and lovely and Diana looks fabulous. But Prince Charles looks like his own spitting image puppet in the photo. So it's peculiar. And again, maybe he's just done one and gone that's perfect. But Prince Charles looks like his own spitting image puppet in the photo.

So it's a peculiar... And again, maybe he's just done one and gone, that's perfect. Or maybe Charles was out and they used the spitting image. They actually used the spitting image. He was probably at a, you know, goon show reunion. I thought you meant out in some grinder way. I take a terrible photo. Do you? I'm so pale, I basically cast a prism.

Oh, you mean of you? Yeah, of me, yeah. I basically cast a prism against the wall. The front cover? Yeah, of me, yeah. I basically cast a prism against the wall. The front cover of Dark Side of the Moon is actually one of my passport photos. I've got a good tip. Tongue behind teeth. I've taught it to Frank, haven't I?

In photos. Yeah, the trouble is, with my teeth, you can still see the tongue through the gaps. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio Absolute Radio I do this thing where anyone who's ever had their photo taken with me

like you know this in the street kind of my photo taken with you if I'm smiling and showing my teeth it means I haven't eaten recently and if I've got my mouth shut it means I've just eaten and I'm worried that there's stuff still in the bars still trapped in the bars And if I've got my mouth shut, it means I've just eaten and I'm worried that there's stuff in there.

It's still in the bars. Still trapped in the bars. See, my main priority is obviously that I look slim. So I have a few tricks for this, Frank. Always go for the contrapposto, the renaissance, like the Michelangelo, David pose. Well, hands on hips. Hands on hips with one leg. I do that instinctively.

My girlfriend often points out to me. No, hands on hips is a bit slimmer of the year but it does do the trick as well. Yeah.

Lips early, one shoulder on. Oh, that always works. Okay. I got photographed with Gary Bushell once. That was a smart move.

I bet you looked awesome. He used to do this after you'd done a photo for the son, he'd have one taken with him. And he said, laugh out loud, laugh out loud. So I went, ha ha ha ha. And apparently

he said it always looks more real. Like your laughing looks real if you laugh out loud. And so I saw the photo, I said, you know, I think he might be right. Yeah. Rather than the false grin, if you know, I think he might be right. Rather than the false grin, if you go ha ha ha ha it translates onto film as real.

I've known other people have done that. Rob Dearing, that's his tip is to laugh. Rob Dearing's been laughing since the 80s. Okay. I thought it was unfair. I thought it looked like it was a really lovely first photo of Wills and Kate and the baby.

And I like the dog with the tongue lolling out. I didn't like the dog's tongue. Why not? It was on major pant. You know, there's two levels of pant. And then... It was on... And it was all... It's like the wind had taken it to one side.

What had happened just before that photo was taken? Gary Bushel had said to that dog, please look happy. What about this terrier dad thing, Frank? So they've established that William... There are three types of parents, apparently. There's terrier, lion or penguin. Apparently, William is a terrier dad, which means they're very hands-on, the terrier, lion or penguin apparently William is a terrier dad

which means they're very hands on the terrier dad lion is very hands off it's basically home alone types that's my parents I was raised by lions I think what about the penguins penguins share responsibilities

you see I think you're half penguin half terrier I feel an allegiance. I did tell you about when I fed the penguins with boss, didn't I? I don't think you have. Yeah, it was one of the strangest brandishings of celebrity status. I was at Cotswold Safari Park and they said, would you like to come in and feed the penguins with your son? And I actually, you know, often if you're at an event, the celebrities are separated from the rest of the world

by the velvet rope. Oh, yeah. And stuff like that. Or, you know, the brass stands and stuff. I actually had my own celebrity moat. It was actually a moat between me and the public. I mean... Did Buzz like the penguins?

He did. He liked them a bit too much. He was a bit fearless with the penguins because we did have a bucket of fish to be fair to them. I mean, they were being taunted. It was great though. He went in and they had Boz in one hand and my arm

with the bucket in the hand. I was like the sower of the seeds. That's brilliant. Yeah. And if you throw it in the water they all dive in the water. It's everything. Penguins. A little bit of you throw it in the water, they all dive in the water. It's everything. Penguins. A little bit of wildlife stuff there for the people. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radiant. Terrible hair I've got today, Frank.

You've been really polite and you haven't said anything, but it does look cowardly lion, doesn't it? I think it looks lovely. In a non-knights move, non-filthy creep way. I'm in between these two. I think it looks like the cowardly lion, doesn't it? I think it looks lovely. In a non-knights move, non-filthy creep way. I'm in between these two. I think it looks like the cowardly lion, but if he's going to quite a big do. And it's made a bit of an effort.

Do you know what? I'll take that. Okay. I'll tell you what I did take as well. Lots of numbers this week. I was in Edinburgh. Oh, yeah. Oh, I did well there. But that's another story. We did a show. I did in Edinburgh. Oh, yeah. Oh, I did well there. But that's another story.

We did a show. I did a show with Russell Kane. Lovely. Went very well. He's my new BFF. Oh. Couple of guests on. Next to you, Frank. Next to you. BFF. Best big friendly fiant. Yeah. Fiant. We had on the show... What is BFF?

Best Friend Forever. Oh, niceiant We had on the show What is BFF? Best Friend Forever Oh, nice We had some celebrities on the show, thankfully Well done, Booker We had Lee Nelson We had Greg Davis Now, you know him of old I do The readers will not be aware that I was in a sketch show with Greg Davis called We Are Clang

Yeah, it was very fine Check us out on YouTube. Now, I know this is quite an obvious route one thing to say when you meet Greg, and you know what it's going to refer to. I'm afraid it is the height. Yeah, it's impossible to ignore his height. Exactly. There were reduced budget constraints, weren't there, Bob, on this?

It's not like here, where we have croissants and things. So it was all boys and girls together in the dressing room no but that's what absolute radio people say about us yes um so we should say he's a bit he's six foot eight he's six foot eight and i'm five foot three but i'll tell you something now to be fair to him six foot eight on a lot of people but me and david padilla used to have a thing about when um height becomes stops being impressive and becomes stupid. And Peter Crouch, I'm sure he'd acknowledge this himself, just look, he's gone too far with that height.

It doesn't look good. But Greg is so big, big, massive. Yeah, he's got the bulk to... Yeah, but you know what I told him? Because he said he was worried. He said, I think I'm getting a tummy, Emily. I said, you're lucky. That's fine. You're allowed to have that. That's height tax. You have to have something wrong with you if you're that tall.

I think that's fair enough. It's something to lean on when you're talking. He purchased. We used to say, when we did the sketch show, we used to say Greg looked like Peter Crouch with mumps. Right. Yeah. Nothing prepares you for the size of that man, though.

I mean, I took my shoe off. He held it in his palm like a Monopoly boot. He's a 13, Frank, and I'm a 3. Size 13. You do the math. See, size 13, again, it's a prescription job, isn't it? You can't just go into a shop and get a size 13. It's quite like, I've never seen discomfort

like it, and the first time I took a long-haul flight with Greg, a 6ft8 man, a 20-stone 6ft8 man, trying to get comfy on a long long plane journey is an exercise in futility

yeah I can see but you know it's good for it in people I felt it was like but when he walked in the presence of the man I was like working with God

that's honestly what I felt like well when I I've I mean I'm a bit taller than you but I I find

it's a little it reminds me of you know when you see when the tennis players start having a bit of a go at the umpire. That's what I'm like when I'm talking to Greg. We checked into a hotel once. I feel like I want to sit next to him and have a banana. We checked into a hotel, and me and the other person in our sketch show, me and Marek, we're smaller men, so we used to get a double room to save on the expenses.

And so Greg would get his own room. Couldn't you have just slept on Greg? Probably. Surprisingly comfy. Yeah. Like a stretcher. Even Tiger Woods could get to sleep on Greg's belly. Yeah.

I'd curl up in a little elbow. Or you'd be there like a Cumberland sausage, all coiled. We checked into this hotel about two in the morning, and the concierge gave Greg a room that was already allocated to a married couple with their young child. So at two in the morning, Greg opens this hotel, opens the door, goes into the room, room turns the light on and a man who was about five seven quite a small man just the utter terror when you're confronted with this thing

when you're confronted with pete paul well across with a giant potato wandering into your hotel it's like a frankenstein film actually had a cloak frank oh that's in the door but greg said he was he was more afraid than anything the man gave him a key to oh that's in the door but greg said he was he was more afraid than anything the man gave him a key to someone else's yeah they just i think i've stayed at that hotel it's not important wearing just a suit i had a a height when i was about 17 i was absolutely convinced i was going bald a lot of hair come out in my comb and I thought by the time I'm 20 I'll be bald.

And I felt that my hair was receding and I remember thinking is it possible that your forehead, you get so high with the hair forehead that you wouldn't be able to reach your own hair. And it really was one of those when, you know,

you start thinking about what there was before the universe began. It's one of those that really did completely, did my, what did my head? If they were really touchy, they'd have to have like a comb in the ceiling. Yeah, that's a comb, it'd be like a car wash. You'd have to have two combs set into the doorframe. What are we going to do about Greg Davies' height? I think he's got with it. OK.

I think he pulls it off very well, though. It's interesting because he's got very thin hips, so the bulk is in the gut. But he's got snake hips and very slender legs. So it's the classic snake swallowed a goat. He carries it well. That's what I think we can all safely say. I once nearly got him into a goat. He carries it well. That's what I think we can all safely say. I once nearly got him into a fight because we were flyering.

This is ten years ago. We were flyering in Edinburgh. You should say flyering is handing out leaflets. Yeah. And two very aggressive young, slightly chemically altered young men tried to start a fight with me because they were objecting to my flyering style. Right. And I, like an absolute coward, because they just went, do my flyering style right uh and i and like an

absolute coward because they just went do you want to fight uh and i said you don't want to fight me fight him i just pointed them to greg who's then confronted by these two blokes in quite a friendly way going your mate said you might want to fight us right and did he did it greg went i'm gonna have to politely decline fellas oh okay again he's charming, he can get his way out of anything. You see, I feel if I was that big, I'd be fighting people two or three times a day. Yeah, you would, to be fair. Any little minor thing, I'd just smack. I'd just pick them up and throw them on the floor.

It's a good job I'm a small, frail man. Otherwise, I'd be extremely violent. Have we got time for this? So many people need it. Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. So many people need it, do you know what I mean? So many people need picking up and throwing it on the floor. We should hire Greg as some kind of superhero justice dispenser.

I don't want to hurt, I want to educate. Yeah. We've got time for this email from Jamesy. Yes. I think you should read it. It's on the subject of having mentioned Greg Davison flights. This person has said, I'm catching up on some of the older podcasts while in Moshi, Tanzania, in the shadow of Kilimanjaro.

Having made a number of flights between the UK and Africa, I've frequently suffered from having the person in front of me reclining their chair at the very first moment they are allowed. It always results in his knees being pushed up to his chin and general discomfort throughout the whole journey. And he then moves on to speculate whether the regulars on this show would be recliners or non-recliners. So he thinks that you would be a recliner. He thinks that Emily would be a recliner.

Hold on, you think I would be a recliner? I never recline. Okay, ask me. He thinks that you would be a recliner. Not in my name. No. And he says that the cockerel is a non-recliner. I suspect he's the only recliner. I don't even recline.

Even when I'm on a deck chair, I do the top notch. So I'm upright. I don't like reclining. I've been on a flight with a Cockerel and I think he did recline it, but he asked if it was free, first of all. I don't recline because I have a flatbed. I just don't want to

recline. I hate it when it's Riley in the face. I'll tell you something else. In a politeness thing as well, I really pay attention to the safety demonstration. So do I, Frank. The people who read the paper and stuff, that's rude. OK, I draw the line at the supplementary card.

I will do that. Thank you so much for listening this morning. You know what? If I'm flying off to the Samuel Beckett Festival in Enniskillen, but if the good Lord spares us and the cranks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out! You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

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