The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Dungarees

Episode Date: April 12, 2014

Frank, Emily and Alun are back in London and they catch up about the weeks news. They discuss baby chic, dressing for the spring and Alun?s surprise night out. Also, Frank has an odd encounter at a Doctor?s surgery and he keeps us up to date with his tour habits.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and you can email us through the Absolute website. But don't text us today because we're not live, you see. You'll be wasting your time. When I say us, I don't mean me in the royal sense. I mean that I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran today.

Morning, Peter. Morning, Richie. Oh, we've missed those glorious days. So, how's it going? Oh, strange. This is me scratching. This is me scratching. I'm not sure how I feel about how's it going. How's it going?

It's a bit messy, isn't it? How's it hanging stud? I really hate when people say, how are you on radio things. People phone in and say, all right, Pete, how are you? I'm very well, thanks. How are you?

Why waste that? I hate it in life when people say that. It's because... Instead of tossing out these gems, like we're doing. Yeah, but you know what we're always looking to get more time aren't we those people are trying to waste more time yeah you know i'm talking about okay i'm still on different strokes i'm still on tour at the moment

are you darling how's your little tour going it's not too bad why do you say not too bad what's happened talk it up. Well, you know, the shows are going good, but I'm already in this position that I get into on tour. When I'm on tour, I always say, well, I'm going to have a lot of time, you know, I'll be in the backs of vans and hotels. Think of what I can achieve during the period. Feed the machine. So, pardon?

You can feed the machine, like what you can fill up on, haiku, philosophy books, all that stuff. Yeah. So I took all my running gear. Did you, right? Mm-hmm. And also, what about this? I take it you mean trainers and shorts, not running gear like some kind of mechanical running gear.

Isn't that what they say about... That is a phrase, isn't it? Running gear. Running gear is a thing. Is he all right? No, but when Frank asks... We'll find out. But is he all right?

We can find out in a week. Don't avoid that. I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding it.

I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding it. I'm avoiding it. They can't email today. I'm going to say what terrible people say, Frank. I'm going to take the fifth on that one. From you.

Yes. Can I tell you how Frank runs? What, the fifth gear? A bit like Roger Bannister. fifth on that one. From you! Um, yes. Can I tell you how Frank runs? A bit like Roger Bannister. So he doesn't have any modern gear. That's why I imagine he has a little vest. It is a bit like that. It is a bit white, non-branded t-shirts, such as when I was a major tennis star, you remember, I avoided branded goods. Didn't Roger Bannister

refuse to do the Sundays as well? Didn't he? No, no, that was Eric Liddle. Oh, I was one out. It was muscular Christianity, so he didn't think you should run on a Sunday. That was his thing. Nevertheless, so the running... The trainers, every time I get in the tour truck,

the trainers are just sitting there looking at me. They don't come into the hotel with me. I haven't even taken them in the hotel. I'm just taking them into the hotel with me. I haven't even taken them in the hotel. Wow. I'm just taking them on the road with me. And I also bought a book, a book of English folk songs. And I thought what I'll do is I'll learn loads and loads of English folk songs. I'll be able to play them.

I'm definitely sure, sir. The thing is, they're in musical notation. I don't read music, so I also have to learn music while I'm on tour. Oh. As I learn the English folk songs. Yeah, I haven't heard that yet. Are you taking the ukulele with you? I always have the ukulele.

I will play the ukulele. That's one thing I'll do. But those things when you feel, oh, I can learn, you know, Japanese while I'm on tour. No. See, this is what I admire about you. I probably think, oh, I can read OK Magazine. Yeah. This is why I respect you.

Yeah, but is that better or worse? Because you are realistic about what you're going to achieve. How dare you? I'm living in cloud cuckoo land. I don't know. You had all these years playing for Barcelona. That's true. Yeah. But what has that done to my niece. I don't know. You had all those years playing for Barcelona. That's true. Yeah.

But what has that done to my niece? I'll show you. Oh, look. Look at that. Daydream scars. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, the Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio.

Yeah, so that's me. The thing I have started doing, though, on the tour, there's a couple of bottles of non-alcoholic wine. All going with you? In the truck. Really? In the truck? Oh, God, yeah.

Oh, man. Oh, dear. I felt better about it, because I'm touring, as you guys well know, but our readers might not know, I'm touring with Gareth Richards. He used to sit in the Cockerell's chair. He did. Morning.

And he did the math. That's what he did. Did he? Did he take the fifth? No, he went to a Catholic church with Chris Eubank. I'm so glad you got to say that joke. Why? Because I loved it.

Okay. So, yeah, he did math for me, and I showed him a picture of the label of the non-alcoholic wine. And he worked out that in order to drink a glass of wine, the amount of alcohol in a normal glass of wine, I'd have to drink 280 glasses of non-alcoholic wine. To be fair, I suspect you have done that already by now. Well, I'd say at the moment I'm on between 8,000 and 9,000 glasses a night.

But as it's gone on, you got thirsty, didn't you? Oh, yeah, I find that with Pimms. I'm going to say, as a friend who loves you, possibly more than quite a few other people, I just didn't want to offend people. I was going to say more than any man I know, but I didn't want to offend people. I think no good will come of the alcohol-free wine, Frank.

I'm not going to lie. I know what you mean. It's a ramp, and I've had experience of ramps, and they're tricky mistresses. Did you say tramps? I'll kill going to lie. I know what you mean. It's a ramp. And I've had experience of ramps and the tricky mistresses. Did you say tramps or ramps? I'll kill that typist. She ended up saying ramps. But if it had been proofread properly, that wouldn't have happened.

She's had experience of tramps. That's what I've heard. One minute the wine, the next minute, you're sitting in that dressing room with Danny Dyer and it's gone a bit follow the bear. I know. Come on, Frank. I know, I know.

It does feel like I'm playing at it a bit, especially when I have an electric cigarette with a glass. What? He has an electric cigarette with a glass? I do, I do to that. It's like living in some strange cyber world. Yeah. Whereas I used to live in a strange cider world.

How many of the lecky ciggies are you on at the moment? Well, it's hard to count them, of course, because they don't diminish the way your standard cigarette does. You don't know quite what you're taking in. And I keep seeing articles now. That's reassuring. I think you probably smoke more. Maybe.

How many puffs do you have a day? And also, there's Zebra Stripe, the ones that I stripe. I know those because they were free. They were sent into the show. That's correct. Well, that's what got me on them. Really? Yeah, I'm like one of these kids, you know,

a guy who comes up and says, why don't you come and try somebody's bald? They all really like you. And then, you know, six weeks later, oh, no, sorry, it's got to cost a lot more nowadays. Now you need it. It's like that. The drug dealer who just openly states his intentions like that.

No, no, that was when I met Nancy Deloglia. Yeah, so I know, I am a bit concerned. So you're on this sort of non-alcoholic wine and zebra cigarette steamy things. Yeah. It sounds like quite a sterile sort of existence, if you don't mind me saying. Well, I do mind you saying that. I find it very, very insulting. Come on, live a little. Well, what's the alternative? Do you think I should be smoking

and drinking real wine, and that would make me a better person? Yes! Now who's on the spot? Do you think you should be strung out? Do you think you should just not... Aren't there gateways to go back to the full... Like, would you smoke? Would you smoke smoke? Like, cigarettes?

Would you do that? Well, since I've been on the... The leckies. On the leckies, I have thought to myself, actually, wouldn't mind. I could, you know, I could start. Yeah.

Right. Was I telling you about... That's my point of stance. About Kurt Cobain? No. I don't think you were. Kurt Cobain used to smoke Benson Eddy's ultra-light menthols. Right.

He was robbing Peter to pay Paul. It's no good doing that and then taking heroin. That's a good point. And then firing in your general direction. I mean, get your health cautions right. You've got to be consistent. I wish I could play something really relevant now. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner. Right. You've got to be consistent. I wish I could play something really relevant now.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I just got images of you sitting there, like, slightly shouting at Kath going, I'm wearing me leckies! Yeah. Oh. Yeah, oh. Anyway, I had to go to the doctors this week.

Don't worry. Oh, hang on, is this one of your jokes? No, it was a general check. You know when you do a TV thing, you have to do... God, you're always at the doctors for the TV. That's because he's the hardest working man in showbiz. Isn't he? So I had to go and do a...

I think what the doctor said to me... He said, I have to write down a general appearance. I said, OK. Did he? He said, I'm going to put, looks very young. He said, I've got to say what I see. Oh, nice. I thought, oh, it's kind of a catchphrase.

But the doctor... Roy Walker's a doctor now. Let's hope it wasn't that dodgy episode, which we've all seen. No, it wasn't that. It was... So that was, you know, sort of nice. Anyway, when I was waiting to go in, I'm sitting in the doctor's waiting room, bear in mind,

and I see someone that I know, who I haven't seen for quite a while, and he comes over, and he says, oh, how are you doing? I said, oh, you know, I don't know, you haven't been in, you see. He didn't get it. And then he said, so you're a dad now, aren't you? And I said, yeah, yeah. And he said, how old are you? And I said, I hate this man. Yeah. I said, I'm 57. He said, wow!

Wow! And I thought, I said, is that a good way or a bad way? And he said, so how's it going with her? I said, well, I know everyone sort of, you know, so the receptionist is completely tuned in. All right, there's a lot of people around. Well, it was mainly me, him and the receptionist. But she was all ears.

Well, that's not the first time it's been those three people no and then and so and then it got deeper and deeper and so has it affected your relationship he didn't say that and i said well i think it's better really and he said uh why didn't you have kids before was this dr phil yes and i said well you know he said no but you must did you not think about it before just think so anyway i was, I was, I was grilled, but he said, he's a nice man, but he was really grilling me. And I was thinking, you know, you are aware that we're sort of in a public, but he was, he just went on. The thing is, it was Robbie Williams. No. Yes.

What? So, you know, you cut him a bit of slack. You know I said I hate this man. I'd take that back. Yeah, take that back. Very good. And he's back in take that. It's absolutely perfect.

Very good. I'm working even when I'm not working. I think we should quit now with Pete. I don't think we're going to follow that. He strikes me. I don't think we're going to follow that, are we?. I don't think we're going to follow that, are we? Sorry, who's this? Is this one of your impressions of people that don't exist?

Yes. It's going so well, that. That's one of my favourites. Yeah. It's so good, people are starting to wish that person existed. Do you know what I think it is? Frank, he's always struck me as a nice man. Is he a nice guy?

He's nice, but he's quite intense. He is very nice, actually. I'll bet what it is. He's intense, and he is... You know, there are people... You must know people that lapse into 20 questions at the drop of a hat. Oh, yes.

And he was... We started... This... By now, the receptionist has stopped working. She's got both elbows on the counter. I'm talking about couple counselling. I mean, it was... I didn't even get a song out of it.

He's on the lecky cigarettes, I believe. Oh, is he? Yeah. Oh, well, I don't know. Neither of us were smoking at the doctor's. It's not like the old days in the 70s. I'm sure they were fagging in the waiting room. It was, you know... It's Med Men, not Mad Men. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I've got a theory about the Robbie Williams interrogation

I think he's just been famous for that long that he's sort of forgotten that there is such a thing as private conversations he's probably just assuming well everyone hears everything at some point in my life why would Frank even be worried about answering these really personal questions? Yeah. Maybe I was being paranoid and he was being, okay. I have to say he looked, he looked

very very handsome. Oh he's a handsome chap. Yeah. And that, that was another- Does he have grey? That was another good reason for, I just, I would have told him anything. And he's a recent dad, isn't he? Yeah.

So he's probably thinking the- Yeah, he's not sim's not dissimilar. He's a recent dad, yeah. No, he has got a bit of a grey hair on top, a bit of a malice. He looks like he just finished the ceiling in the garage. Well, he had a hair transplant and he was totally honest about that. You are having... No, but I loved him for saying that.

No way. He was brilliant. I loved his honesty. I loved his honesty because he said, I had a hair transplant because I was bored and I was in L.A. and there was nothing else to do. No, that's bald. He said nothing else to do. No, bald. He said nothing else to do.

You misheard him. He said, being in LA, you get quite bored and there's nothing else to do, so I did it. And I thought, why did I do this? I didn't even need it. But he has had one. Wow. And I believe you and he.

I know I've been abused for using the phrase Venn diagram before, but I believe you and he overlap on the Venn diagram, not just fathers at a certain stage in life but I think you also made the same joke when pressing the button on the national lottery because I remember him I remember him looking straight down the like because I've told you about this I remember him looking straight down the lens as he was about to press the button and saying it it won't make you happy. And me thinking that was a really funny thing to say. Right. And I told you and you said you did it as well, didn't you?

Yeah, I said, don't blame me if it ruins your life. Brilliant. Isn't that amazing? Same joke. Tentatively untrue, of course, but well done. Well, I think me and him both know that money isn't everything. Oh. Speaking of which...

Personally, I disagree, but there you go. My paninis arrived this week from from the from the plastic surgeon i'm heavily ironed no paninis it's i No, our panini, um, our panini stickers. Yes. I think, I think all the, any, um, any one of us, uh, no, in fact, any, is it a boy's thing? Any one. It's not a boy's thing, though, it's everybody's.

No, we got quite into it when we were younger as well. They do, they don't just do football, do they, panini? They do things like, my little panini, they do. Oh, I really thought you were going to do toasted sandwich jokes there. Well, you thought this and you thought that. Well, you do them then. Come on. Come on, we're leaving you

a gap. Toasted sandwiches. They do toasted sandwiches. There you go. Panini. This is awful. I'm very excited that we've been sent a Panini stick. I'm calling it selected Can I say I got mine the week before you did Did you?

Ouch Yeah So I took them home I took them yam as they used to say when the boat comes in Oh That's a reference a lot of people get Yeah I was ganning yam And so I got my Panini album and my Panini stickers.

And I thought, well, I know it's a little early, but maybe now is the moment. So I gave them to Boz. Is it double Z? What's a double Z? And he's two in May. Oh. And I have to say, it felt, it was a very emotional thing watching my son putting World Cop stickers into a Panini album.

Partly because I felt proud and happy and, you know, all that. And partly because watching him put them in the wrong places. And not stepping in was absolute torture. I mean, sometimes upside down. He put someone from Algerie on the England page. I mean, come on! Oh, it was so... And you can't get them off with those paninis.

Well, you see, he tried to remove... When he heard me going, he tried to remove a few, and they don't really stick, the paninis. There's a couple on the floor now that went in the wrong place and then tried to go in again and didn't. The Portugal team are on the floor. Yeah.

You know, you get a team shot. Oh, yeah. The only one I just couldn't cope with... Was what? Was Messi, ironically. I wanted to be very tidy about Messi. I understand. So I thought, best footballer in the world. I think he deserves his own. He needs to be very tidy about Messi. So I thought, best footballer in the world.

I think he deserves his own. He needs to be in his right hand. I said to him, can you... I found the page and I said, put that one in there. Did you? What did he say? He said, I... But he got it.

It was the closest anyone got. But, oh, I can't... It shows how anal I am. Can I say it? That's fine. It shows how anal I am, but it depends on context. It depends on context. Go on to the manual.

The absolute manual. Context is all. It makes me realise that it shouldn't matter, should it, where the paninis go. No. But, oh, it matters. Well, I've been saying that for a long time. Well, you're... As you recently just pointed out that Buzz has got a birthday approaching,

Emily said she must make an order for some dungarees. I'm assuming that she was referencing, hot off the press, Prince George's fashion dungarees. Was I right? Oh, I love that. Honestly, he's the chicest baby. He's nailed such a strong look for himself. He's nailed a strong look? Yes. 75 quid, though.

I know. I know, but it's... I think we can say the name, can't we? We don't normally indulge in branding on here. But I didn't know there was a Rachel Riley. It's Rachel Riley. It's not Rachel Riley, though, is it? It's not Rachel Riley.

No. It's not Countdown. No, it's not her. It's not her. Otherwise, I think they'd be a bit wider at the back. But they are nice. Otherwise, I think they'd be a bit wider at the back. But they are nice. Oh, they're lovely. But I don't think, I couldn't let Buzz wear something

that Prince George had been seen in, I don't think. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, can't have same-dress nightmare. Well, I just, you know, I remember there was a girl at Birmingham Polytechnic when I was there who turned up to a student party. You know what student parties are like?

They're very white. They're wearing a, T-shirt, drugs and stuff. And not that I did any of those. No. We absolutely, absolutely disapprove of that. And she turned up in a replica green ball gown that Princess Diana had recently worn at a thing. And it didn't impress. She thought it would impress.

It didn't. People said that didn't impress me much. People sniggered and made remarks. What did the other Birmingham's wear, though? Let me guess, bell bottoms and full length leathers. It was all jeans. You know, T-shirts. Casual.

Casual. You know what a student's dress is. It's universal. I never dress like that. Like hippies. Yeah, but would you have worn a green silk replica? No, I wouldn't have. Princess Diana ball gown.

I mean, come on. What's that squeaky noise? I'm afraid that's my spine. Glad you went to the doctor. Robbie Williams never looked at it, but he couldn't find anything wrong. I've got a question for you, Emily. Why aren't adults... Why don't you just cut me out?

No, because in her role as fashion expert upon the show, you know, a day job's all fashion. Not just upon the show. Why aren't adults rocking the dungaree at the moment? Because they'd be... They are. I think you'll find they are in Alabama. No, they are in London, you fools.

No. I come to London at least once a week and I've not they are in Alabama. They are. No, they are in London, you fools. No. Yes. I come to London at least once a week, and I've not seen anybody in dungarees. Yeah, but I don't know where you hang out, but I'm not sure it's the right places. Should I be going to Shoreditch or somewhere like that? Do you hang around with any train drivers? No, you think of them as a bit Oklahoma farmhand, like Frank would wear them. Yeah.

But actually, they really are the most fashionable thing. They're so hot right now, dungarees. Well, they would be. It's a hot day. Well, I haven't seen you in any dungarees. I don't know if I've got the legs for them, to be honest. That's not my best asset. That's what you mean.

You don't see anyone's legs in dungarees. No, you do. They're like... Oh, I'm sorry. I forget. I have to translate to you, too. So they're dungarees, but they're cut like little hot pants. Oh, they're not dungarees but they're cut like little hot pants. Oh, they're not

dungarees! I'm talking about grown-ups dungarees. What I would call longarees. Yeah. They're longarees. You can still wear those ones as well with a t-shirt underneath or maybe a bra. You're talking about some sort of Daisy Duke stroke

old guy with white beard amalgam. Do tell me what I'm talking about. That's what's happened there is they've taken the Dukes of Hazzard, they've taken two characters' outfits and just roughly welded them together like a couple of dodgy second-hand car salesmen. And I don't mean anything against Chris Moyles when I say that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

That was Temple by Kings of Leon. Oh, hot biscuit in my mouth. I think you could... I'm training Emily to sit. It's quite a long job. The thing is, her nose isn't really broad enough to bounce on. I know, it's tricky that way. Yeah, a long job. The thing is, her nose isn't really broad enough to bounce on, eh? No, it's tricky, that. Yeah.

Yeah. A custard cream. She looks a bit cross-eyed as well when it stays there for a second or two. Nevertheless. Yeah. So the front bit of the dungaree, I think, is about the perfect size. You're being a bit forensic and creepy about it. I don't know why he's miming it out.

Big iPad pocket. That's what I was going to say. Big iPad pocket. Because clothes haven't was going to say. Big iPad pocket. Because clothes haven't really got... That's a good idea. It's a good idea, isn't it? And then down on the hip, you could have a holster one for the iPhone. What about, let me run this way.

The iPhone. Call it the iDungry. Why does he call the iPhone the iPhone? Dunger Eye. Let me... Oh, my God. The work we're doing today is spectacular. Let me run this past you.

What about if you had a laptop in there and then you had a bit of extra denim in the pocket so the pocket just pulled forward and you can consult your laptop and it's just sitting there in your breast section. That's excellent. You could adjust the straps, you know, depending on what sort of broadband you've got.

What if, I don't know how to put this, but I was going to say, what if business is already booming in that area? I'm just saying. All right, yeah. It might be hard to find the room. Oh, I see. Yeah, maybe it's a bit sexist, that idea.

Yeah, exactly. A bit easier for the gentleman. Typical. It'd be just gentleman and Russian gymnasts, the only people who can really use them. But, you know, they've got a side of life as well. I don't see why

they should be denied. True. The trouble is, they're going to get that white powder all over the keyboard as well. You know,

a constantly white powder. Oh, I love that white powder. I know that. I've only just said that for, whoa, 20 years. Anyway,

Prince George we were talking about. I thought he looked lovely. Do you know, I've fallen for him? George! That baby I thought he looked nice

I love that baby So that was me doing the Sweeney George! No it wasn't, it was you doing an impression of no one again Oh that's right I totally love that baby Do you? I've fallen for him Frank

I've fallen for him Frank I haven't a go at them for dressing him up like that I thought he looked nice What do they want to put him in a I know what Adidas Firebird I know what they mean when you get Ambassador's Child Which is a bit slick back hair and the navy blazer.

I don't like that. No. Let's close Harrods down for you to have a shop. Don't like that. Yes. Although I did do that. But I think he's everything... Does make it right, as you say.

Exactly. He's everything you want in an infant. Because he's got the chubby cheeks. Oh, I love him. And he's got the slightly Michael Gove backside. Has he got... I mean, he's a small child, but has he got a bit of attitude? Attitude?

Frank! Well, some of the parents, you know they put him in with some other kids of the same age. Terrible mistake. Right, I mean, there was like, you know, right a broad mix across society. Right. And apparently he sort of, he made a girl cry. He grabbed some toys off some of the other kids. He got quite a bad review, actually, in the paper I read.

He's going to be perfect for me when he gets older. Very early sense of entitlement. I wondered if it is that. And that is not going to be eased by three or four weekends of blood sports. That's not going to make him more gentle is it let's face it no one of the women one of the mothers i liked trying to be diplomatic they said what was he like with the other kids they said she said he was um intrepid wow so um yeah thuggish is he i think he's just one of those, you know, big... He's quite chubby.

Yeah. I think he's one of those kids. I see, you know, because Buzz is quite a... He's quite a gentle... He's a delicate soul, Buzz. And the ones that elbow in, you know, and go in a bit hard. I'm not saying, you know, you don't... I'm not...

I think he might be. Yeah. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email us direct through the Absolute website.

But don't text. Don't text this week because it's pre-recorded. We did it when was it? Thursday? A lot of chunks ago, wasn't it? Yeah, Thursday. And lots happened in my life since then. I'm dead. Anyway.

If that was the case, if they played this out, it would be really inappropriate. That'd be brilliant. As long as you end with Frank Skinner who died earlier than this, that'd be fine, as long as you end with Frank Skinner who died earlier. That'd be fine. Shall I do that? Shall I do my own thing? Can I do the dedication?

Let's rehearse for it. No, let's not do it. That'd be good, innit? No. I think this would make morbid breakfast radio. Yeah, I think it might. I'll never forget you wouldn't let me do that dedication. So, I just think it'd be embarrassing.

You'll get so much praise. You don't want to hear your own eulogy, do just think it'd be embarrassing. You'll get so much praise. You don't want to hear your own eulogy, do you? That's not on. No, I had my own eulogy as I lay in bed last night. I was driven to the bottom of the mattress. Sorry, I can't. Oh, it isn't life. I couldn't be bothered anyway.

Anyway. What about Kate's clothes? What do you think about them? Kate who? Kate Middleton. Kate who? Kate who? Kate Middleton. You know we're talking about Prince George, aren't you?

Yeah. I can't believe she's... I've got some insider info into this. Apparently the Queen gets very involved in the wardrobe. No way. She's got very strict rules. So what she says, for example, she insists they all wear those new tights you're not allowed bare legs

the Queen says which time of year? the Queen says she has strict rules about it you can't wear open toed shoes there's all sorts going on so she's restricted I have to say that red coat that she wore

how did you find that? was very royal family did you think? red with lots of gold buttons it's quite nutcracker sweet, isn't it? It is, and it could have been like Princess Anne 1971. It's timeless, but in a bad way. Oh, dear.

See, I don't mind it. OK. I think she gets it all right. I think she does well. Don't mind it doesn't sound like a ringing endorsement, though. Well, she's restricted. She has to have weights in the coat as well. What?

They have to have weights in the hems so that it doesn't fly up. Well, it did fly up. The panties. I know you like that word. When she came down the walk thing

off the plane... Why are you looking like that? When have I told you I like the word panties? That's the strange thing to a huge deal. I know it's currently one o'clock in the morning,

but this is going out. Let's not forget that. Give me another non-alcoholic wine. No, when she walked down the stairs from the plane, I can't remember what you call that. Do you call them the stairs? The plane. The plane stairs.

The stairs. You know, the things that I always imagine, when I think of them, I think of the Beatles coming down and carrying BLAC bags. I'm just going to, I know a pilot, so I'm going to text him. OK. I'll ask him.

Let's call them the runway stars. The gangplank. Yeah. That's the boat, is it? Anyway, her dress flew very high. I was anxious on her behalf. But it didn't quite... But it was virtually a royal upskirt,

which is... I thought that shouldn't be allowed to happen. Now you're telling me that should be weighted down. Yeah. Let's face it, she should be weighted down if there's any sort of breeze. Yeah. I mean, that's one big advantage.

I told you the other week that Boz has really got into seesaws, but if the other kids don't want to play, he's a bit, you know, it's a problem. Whereas, of course, Prince George can just put his mum on the other side.

That's right. Just about the same. He's just past her weight. I would not trust Prince George on a seesaw. I think things could get ugly. No, no, he might pick it up and smack around the end of it. He's a bit of an incredible Hulk. You're talking about, next time you see those dongueris,

they'll look like ragged bottoms and be ripped at the waist. Oh, what a bruiser. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I'll tell you where I wouldn't mind a little saunter. Hello? Hello! I haven't quite got that harmony. No.

I've been dabbling there for, what, maybe two years with it. Yeah. I don't know how Brian Wilson did it. We're going to start with Patrick Reid. Patrick Reid, OK. He says, morning all. Frank, sometimes when you've made an untoward remark... Sometimes when we talk...

When I've made an untoward remark... You we talk when i've made an untoward remark you will say live you say not this morning i think i like to capture your intonation very well yeah that was um but is it live i watched the show on the webcam and as it neared the end alan emily and steve had their coats on oh it's the golden square Golden Square Three. Oh, no. And had left the studio, but were still talking on air. Oh, dear. Thank you kindly, a very confused Patrick Reid. Frank, would you care to explain? Well, I'll tell you what I think.

Now, can I say, first of all, it's odd that this should come up this morning, where it's just, we're not live this morning. We're always live. I think this is the second time we haven't been live in five years. Yeah. But we are repeated on Absolute

what they call the Decades channels. Absolute 80s, 90s, et cetera, et cetera. And so I thought all this would be cleared up when the clocks went forward, but no. So what you've done, I suspect,

is it Patrick? Patrick, is that you've listened to us on one of the Decades channels, but you've looked at the camcorder, and of course we're on our way home because there's still an hour to go, if that makes sense. If that's what you want to think, Frank, or it could be that on your week off, me, Emily and Steve knocked the whole show out in one hour as a pre-record. We're nothing if not fast then we went for a really

boozy brunch. I don't like the idea of us having our coats on. It feels a bit CCTV footage caught back, doesn't it? It's like we've done some terrible crime. It reminds me, I was leaving the London studios near the South Bank

and I saw Cilla Black leaving her dress. She had the fruit bowl. She had the conditioner. You know, the miniature conditioner. Oh, no. Oh, nice to my own heart.

It's like me at the swimming. She'd strip the place. Certainly a surprise surprise. Yeah, exactly. For the next. She had a tube of toothpaste the size of a small sleeping bag. I think she'd brought that with her. She had quite a big rider, size of a small sleeping bag. I think she brought that with her.

She had quite a big rider, didn't she? Did she? She used to insist on pink champagne all the time. Nice. So did you do good, yeah? So... Oh, thank God that's what she meant. Yes.

But, you know, that surprised me. But I suppose she's a working-class girl at Hartfella. Yeah. But that's what it sounds like, seen with your coat. But I suppose she's a working-class girl at Hartfeller. Yeah. But that's what it sounds like, seen with your coat. So I wasn't there, of course. I sit here till the very, very end. I even sit here for the extra hour. I can imagine Steve looking up a little bit creepily

up at the camera as well and it catching his eye. Oh, Steve. He's ruined it for all of us. Oh, that's it. Blame the one who isn't here. Isn't that always the way with people? It's just like the bullying season on Big Brother. Remember that?

Remember it. It's never to be deleted. Never to be deleted. That'd be a great programme, wouldn't it? Never to be deleted. Those things that you'd save and would never, ever get rid of. Yeah. Let's do that.

Shall we work that out during this song? Definitely. Yeah. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I believe we're still in email corner, aren't we? We are. I've. Absolute Radio. I believe we're still in email corner, aren't we? We are. I've got up and smell it. But obviously people that are emailing in now, it'll be responded to possibly at some point in the future. Like long-term email corner. It's all right to email or indeed to tweet,

but just don't text us today, because we're not here, we can't respond. I don't want to waste your money, you know what I'm talking about? It's like one of those competitions that got done, innit? It was all on that. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, long-time reader but first-time correspondent, still playing catch-up and currently still listening to November 2013 episodes. Wow.

Great days. They're not live. Very retro. No, they're definitely not live. Don't think it's live. Pass those jelly babies, please. Anyway, a constant fascination of mine has been Alan's apparent and frequent use of the phrase sashaying. For example, when he wants to move the conversation on, he may say something like,

Oh, let's sashay onto the... Good impression. Yeah, I'm really good at Alan Cochran. He's one of my better ones. Oh, let's sashay onto the next text from 962. Or oh, that was a nice sashay into female corner, Frank. It's getting better. I'm warming up.

He's getting into it. I think he needs to workshop it a bit. The way he says it, it always makes me think that he's actually saying sashay a small portion of sauce. Mistakenly, for chassé. He did say he was playing catch up earlier. A kind of gliding dance move. Is Alan hiding something from us?

By the way, can we have more of Alan doing an impression of his mum? Oh, hey, Alan, would you stop sashaying with the mop and get on with the washing up? No, you've got to do it in the Scottish voice. I don't have to do anything, thank you. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, Alan, would you stop sashaying with them all and get on with the washing up? How's that?

Too late, they've spoiled. I've just got to put Emily's head back on her shoulders. I actually found it very attractive. Oh, I know. See, that's the trouble with you women. You don't want the nice guys. I'm also finding that attractive. I'm loving the anger here.

You like the... I can't think of a clean word. What bloke? Most blokes. The bad men. The bad guys. The bad men. Baddies.

I always think that if I ever meet Alan's mum, and when she speaks to me, I'll think, oh, that's not very good, Alan's mum. I've got so used to Alan's mum's allen's allen's allen's mom yeah yeah it better be accurate it's extremely accurate exactly how she talks it is extraordinary in real life you're sashaying though yeah i i feel like this is it's a strange development that's happening where people are texting and saying oh he says venn diagram too much oh he says chasse wrong i've never said chasse wrong i've said it right all the way through i absolutely just now where people are texting and saying, oh, he says Venn diagram too much. Oh, he says chassé wrong.

I've never said chassé wrong. I've said it right all the way through. I absolutely do. Except for just now. Chassé. I'm saying chassé throughout. Chassé? Always have. That's it, isn't it?

Chassé. I thought you were saying sashay. But that's what she's saying. I thought he was saying descots. Oh, yeah. Why don't we go back to all my mistakes in the last four years, eh? Okay, it's going to take a bit of paper.

Just a minute. What about when I said why Mariner? Hold on, hold on. Give me a rain check on that. You got a rain check? Taking the fifth. I think I might have... I wasn't.

Oh, so the fifth, yes. What about when I thought rain was pronouncing it? I thought Eubank had come in again. I think I'm going to admit it. I think I might have been mispronouncing it, Sasha. I think you have as well. I so the fifth, yes. What about when I thought Frank's pronounced it? I thought you, Frank, had come in again. I think I'm going to admit it. I think I might have been mispronouncing it. Sashay. I think you have as well. I think I have, yeah.

What is it then? Sashay. No, you can say sashay. Have you not heard RuPaul? Sashay Shantay. There was a song called that. Yeah, yeah. Supermodel You Better Work It.

I'll have to look back through my RuPaul back catalogue on my iPod. I have got a RuPaul back catalogue on my iPod. I have got a RuPaul song, which I bought when I was drunk. It's all done. Unfortunately, I'm using a court stenography machine. That's not going to help. Oh, it's all got so confusing. Well, we haven't found out.

How does your family feel about the independence vote, or is that too controversial? I don't know. I'll ask them next week, though, if it helps. I'm going to Scotland. What I think Gwyneth Paltrow calls Scottish uncoupling. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been talking about one George. We need to talk about the other George. He's a bit less of a crowd pleaser, this one. It's George Bush.

I thought you were going to say George Robey, the Prime Minister of Mirth. People say Dubya. I don't like people that say Dubya. No. What kind of people say Dubya? People that say... You started it, didn't you? Well, I said it. George Dubya Bush.

I said I don't like people who say it. I include him. Really? Yeah. Am I right. Really? Yeah. Am I right with that? Yeah, I'm all right with that. He did... You know, Alan had his little epiphanies.

Oh. George W. Bush had his little portraits. He did. So we had an exhibition. I know when it was, because it was last week when we were doing the show in Manchester, and they showed them live on Sky, and Frank passed comment on them at the time. Something of a portraiture expert

now you are Frank well indeed of course you are because we should say they're portraits of world leaders aren't they yeah

they are portraits there is some of these dogs as well that's how he started didn't it I hate people who take pictures of dogs

yeah well these are paintings paintings worse is it Barney the one who was at the White House who I think

is no longer with us a terrier. Yes, that's the point in terriers. It's a dog, exactly. But they had Tony Blair, he did a portrait of. He's done all the world leaders, hasn't he? What about the Afghanistan president? Too much grey eyeliner.

He's like Chrissie Hynde. Well, I never thought I'd say this in my life, but Silvio Berlusconi was a bit orange. I thought, a bit too orange. Berlusconi looks like Cosby. I'm convinced that he googled the wrong picture. Can I say what most of his paintings look like? Do you remember that woman? There was that Spanish church

and there was a fresco in it. Yeah. She turned Jesus into an Eskimo. Yeah. They all had that, a quality of that attached to them. Well, you know what? What? I don't think I don't think they're... Some of them are a bit rough, but there's one or two

that are really quite decent. I like the Putin. Yes. And I like the Dalai Lama. Yeah. And I've found them... Which is best? I really would have said...

Well... I prefer Putin. You know me. You know me. I've got a taste for the old Soviets. But, um... And the Dalai Lama, I mean, come on, orange every day.

What do you mean? That's what he wears, isn't it? I know what he wears. I've seen him at Planet Hollywood. You have? Really? Yeah, I saw him at an... There was a period when he was going out quite a lot.

Was he misbehaving or anything? No, he wasn't a llama, though. He was going out quite a lot. Was he misbehaving or anything? No, he wasn't a llama, though. He was just in fries. He went out on a Dalai basis. He was getting a bit... He was doing too much PR. There was a time when every time he'd be photographed, there'd be that leopard-skin Planet Hollywood carpet

underneath his sandals. Didn't he do MasterChef or something like that? Yeah, I think he might have. The Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama. Is this sure happening? It's a mine? No, it's a vegetarian week it was. Now I'm sure he did one of those cookery things.

No. He's good at PR. Anyway, what were you saying? Anyway, so I looked at George Bush's paintings and I thought, you know what, he's done worse things. Yeah, people say that. I mean, there was Iraq for a start. Well, I heard that was all about oil and now he's done worse things. Yeah, people say that. I mean, there was Iraq for a start. Well, I heard that was all about

oil, and now he's into oil. Now he's using acrylics. What's the irony in that? If he was on your show, Frank... Can I say that I don't plug shows on here, but TV shows. No, but I'm plugging it. I'm allowed. But there is a thing called Sky Arts Portrait Artists of the Year.

I'm not plugging it for me, because I'm a minor part of it. But if anyone listening to this can paint, do enter, because I'm told from the person who won it last time, and the people, it's life-changing. Wow, great. It's all on the Sky Arts website. That's what I'm saying. Can I say the fact that he paints...

I think he's all right as a painter. The fact that he's painting, I think, is a positive thing. Yeah. Because it makes me think he's got a sensitive side. I don't like his politics. I've told you I won't be intimate with people with those politics. You know that. Tories or Republicans.

I think he comes across quite well in the interview, though. Does he? Yeah. There's a point where he's talking about the reaction to his paintings, and he says, you know, some people are surprised, but then some people are surprised that I can read. I just think, oh, well, they're self-aware of him at least. He also said, you know, I'm not claiming to be a great artist and I don't want people

to think I'm a great artist. And he's dealt with that. Yeah. But I, it's just that he's doing it because I always think, oh, I'd love to paint and then I never do it. And now I'm fine. What about if I, what about if I went on, if I started painting on the strength of this, which I have thought about.

I thought, if he can do it. I started painting, and I became a major artist, won the Turner Prize, and they said, what was your great inspiration? And I said, it was George W. Bush's great leadership. Why do your fantasies, you have to win the Turner Prize? Why do you have to be so extreme? You can't just like, yeah, exactly. Have to believe a Barcelona will win the Turner Prize.

You know why? Because you've got to be in it to win it, sister. Eh? You people, your eyes on the prize. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you know what I find about these George Bush paintings, though? And perhaps there could be a technical word or two, Frank,

being something of an expert in portraiture these days. Oh, isn't he? Oh, he is. Is it Tom Keating, that man? Who is that man? Oh, yeah, Tom Keating. And Nancy Kaminsky, was it? Painting with Nancy.

Oh. Mm-hm. OK. Used a knife? No. I mean, a bit of brush, but quite a lot of knife in the knife why does he do and this is sort of amateur artists often do this they've brought this the eyes that's the giveaway they're all they're too black like children do they look a bit mental don't they yes well there

are many many faults in it i also i like the thing that apparently he painted the first image on google image of all these world leaders yeah i thought it was a bit of a shame that the papers were having to go in for that i was thinking he's painting it's not a memory test is it i'm so w apologist over here suddenly go all right i'll remember all the world leaders i've ever met and i'll just pay them from memory one thing that the world leaders have got in common with the dogs that he paints, it's very hard to get them to sit. Yeah. I mean, it's in the trouble I had with Emily this morning. Exactly, yeah.

It's the focus thing. Put a biscuit on their nose. No, I don't think it matters what thing. I mean, there's sort of, you know, there's some real rubbish in there, which he should have probably kept quiet. Yeah. But I just, I think it's good he's doing it. I love the reason that he started doing it.

Which is what? Well, he got very good at playing an app that is a painting and writing app, and his wife said, oh, you should give real painting a try, and now he's doing real painting. What is a painting and writing app? What does that mean?

I don't know. It's called Penalty. It's called Prolif technology expert. That's a bit of a worry, isn't it? That is a worry, yeah. I took up martial arts again because I was very good at Fruit Ninja on the iPad, so that explains it a lot. What if he Googled...

But you see, with the Googling, that can be a problem. I'm not being rude, Frank, but if you Google you, the first image search, if you do an image search on you, the first one that comes up, you've got a gold tooth. The second one, you've got a John Motsen sheepskin coat. You seeatson sheepskin coat you see i find you're naked and just in some pants dancing i i don't you ever find this that you sort of uh your google image um oh let me give an example your google image um philip scofield little boots okay and the third image is robert mcgarvey do you ever get that on google image and you think well i i'm sorry when you when you google me the third image is robert mcgarvey that's a different

story there's no evidence for that um so i also think i'm slightly biased towards these paintings because one of the questions i managed to get right recently on who wants to be a millionaire was which world leader has started painting and science is painting is number 43. So I feel now we're forever interlinked. Andrew and Charles wanted you to lose a life and you didn't. Did you use a life? You can't even remember your own appearance. I just remember the losing of it. And he didn't want to give me that.

That's what he said. He doesn't say that anymore. Chris. You know... He doesn't say anything anymore. That show's been cancelled. You know, but you know we don't want to give you that. He doesn't say that anymore.

Yeah, and the same way people don't say what's up anymore. It's because they don't have checks anymore. I still do. I was going to do a chlamydia jab, but I don't think it's appropriate. Oh, God. We don't want to give you that. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So I've had a couple of social nights out of late at what I would call music concerts. There you go. I've been to a couple of jigs, as they say. Yeah. One of them, totally surprised.

Didn't know who I was going to see. My wife put it in my diary, like, going to a music gig. She didn't put who it was. And she said, oh, that's part of your birthday, but it's a bit after it. I've just bought a ticket for something, and we'll go to it. Went along, singer-songwriter, and...

Singer-songwriter worries me, that moniker. Isn't it you? You know what? It was fine. Was it? It was fine. I don't have any room for fine in my life. Well, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think you'd be right. I mean, it had moments of enjoyableness. Like, there was a bit of nostalgia where they stamped my hand and then we were allowed to go back out. And we said, oh, when are they starting? They did that at Gymboree. At where? Gymboree.

It's a kid's baby. It's mortal. Is it? Yeah, they stamped their hands with a picture of Jimbo, the clown. I don't let them do that i say my dermatologist won't allow that okay yeah so we went and um i don't know if you've ever ever been to see that thing about her putting it in your can i just stop that she put it in your diary for you i have a person who puts things in my diary i mean i'm i'm owning up to that

but the best thing she ever did was... Did I remember I told you this? Yes. The fourth anniversary of the... The 400th anniversary of the King James Bible. They launched a trust, King James Trust. And I was invited to the party to launch this trust that was going to run events the whole year.

And my PA, Jenny, put the entry in my diary, King James Bible Launch Party. Brilliant. I don't know. Will I get a sign copy? So I went along to it, and have you ever been to see a singer-songwriter or an unknown artist...

...and just got a feeling a couple of songs in that they know all of the audience except you. I hate it when that happens. That was the vibe. Was he a he or a she? It was a he. Was he going, and I, my love. That sort of thing, yeah.

I can feel the snow pouring down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, very. But we will go on. I didn't realise you were into him. My love. That's exactly... That was probably his most catchy number. I love that song.

He made a bit of a tactical mistake, I think. He played a Coldplay song and it really stood out. Very melodic. Can I ask you about this? Does he have an up-tempo one, Frank? That would be... Well, singing today Everything is feeling good

Cos my baby called me Like I knew she would That's a song Mickey Mooney would have sung. God rest his soul. God rest his soul. Yes. Mod hated. But talented.

But talented. But guess what? How great is that? Everyone I've ever worked with him hated him, but... guess what everyone ever had to work with him hated him but yeah but we saw him in panto and he was genius in that panto um yeah um genius in panto now i had that experience that's the title of my autobiography i went to a mighty boosh gig they call it gig don't they yeah those sort of things event i didn't know much about them and everyone i mean i had city shorts and a navy blazer on everyone had green paint and false yeah and city was this before they were taken over by the arbor derby people they all had false noses and did they women's oh they all dressed up as the rocky horrors you

went to no they get dressed up for them like it is the Rocky Horrors. No, but thanks to your grandfather. It was Mighty Boosh. I felt like their accountant. I look ridiculous there. Some guys towards the back of this small audience at the Singer-Songwriter that we saw recognised me off of some, probably Dave, late night television.

Yeah. Turned round and said, oh, can we get a picture with you? Oh, lovely. I said, yeah, no problem. I was there with my wife. She said, yeah, fine, have a picture with them. And I thought, oh, maybe they'll ask my wife to take it.

Turn around, their mums were at the bar and one of their mums came over to take the picture. Nice, wasn't it? I just wish before that anecdote, I'd done a, this anecdote contains flash photography. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. You can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

or email us direct through the Absolute Radio website. But don't text us this week because we ain't live. For only the second time in our five-year tenure. Wimbledon commentator. Our five-year tenure. Wimbledon commentator. Our five-year tenure. What about that red pen that was on my nose and you two didn't tell me? I feel such a fool. Well, I didn't know what it was.

What did you think it was? It's still there. Oh, God. That's why I didn't tell you. I just thought it was... I knew you'd blaspheme. I thought it was someone from another building with their sights trained on you. I just assumed it was one of those red dots. I thought it was someone from another building with their sights trained on you. I just assumed it was one of those red dots.

I thought it was Ronald McDonald. So the other thing about this singer-songwriter... You thought it was Prankish Ude with one of those... Oh, those laser key rings they were wearing. Or a gun, like a sniper. Oh, thanks. The other thing about this singer singer songwriter playing a cold play song is it did give me a little bit of a shudder to when i used to um in my stand-up output

tell her you can hear you can hear emily wiping herself she's probably wiping dog biscuit off her nose from you trying to get her to sit from earlier yeah that's what it was we're straight back to it after the show he puts a little marker on my nose when I'm bad. Good girl. I was reminded of when I told a story about my dog in my stand-up show and I included a thing that you had said to me about it and then I had to drop it

because I started thinking it was getting laughs that were too big compared to my own laughs and I thought, I can't have Frank's joke. I don't know, see behind the curtain of Oz, I can't bear it. Could you credit me? Yeah. Oh, OK. Yeah, programme associate. They were probably just being patronising to a whole man.

Maybe. You know what it's like. Well, I had a surprise night out with a singer-songwriter. Who? This has been a few years ago. Oh, right. Wasn't Robbie Williams last week? No, no, I don't mean out with one. I mean, someone said to me, I've got a spare ticket to see, and then it was this person,

and I'd never heard of them. And so I went along, and I deliberately, I didn't try and find out anything about this guy. So there was a group of other, I'll tell you, his name was Daniel Johnston.

Have you heard of him? Yeah. So I'd never heard of him. So people came out and played his songs beforehand and said he's an absolute genius. You know, what brilliant. And they did these songs and they all sounded all right. Eventually he came out.

And now I realised afterwards I found out he's a troubled soul. I didn't know that at the time. No. And I laugh. I don't think I've ever laughed as much as a gig, including all the great comedians I've seen. It was honestly like Benny Hill had come out. And his songs were like,

And I love you and you love me, but that ain't how it's going to be. And I thought, this is not, this is not, this is like a sort of a spoofy bit of it. And he just, he did three songs and he was just weird. He took the microphone off the piano for some reason, quite a lot of gaffer tape, and he was holding it with a big handful of gaffer tape on it.

And I was just laughing. And I was getting a few, you know, what's the political correct term? Looks, anyway. I was getting looks from people, evil looks from people. And then I looked into him after, and like I say, there was a thing that he'd been to a festival, and his dad flew him home.

Oh, he sounds much more my kind of person now. His dad's got his own plane, and they were going along, and you know what it's like? I've been in this situation a million times where I'm sort of going, oh, it didn't go very well. There's a person going, no, no, I thought it was all right. No, no, no, it didn't go well. And they had an argument about it.

So at one point, Danielson turns off the ignition on the plane and throws the keys out the window wow so his dad had to crash land in some trees so um he um and then i went to see a film about him because by now i was obsessed by him yeah and it sounds like i'm just turning my phone off um just over two hours into the show. And in this film, it tells you about, he saw a woman on the second story of this building and decided she was Lucifer. So he kicked the door down and ran up the stairs and she was about 60-odd.

She jumped off the balcony. She jumped off the balcony. I hope she was OK. So that's what I call a surprising night out with a singer-songwriter. It opened up a whole world. I entered a world of pain. Yes. So check him out.

Obviously, I have more sympathy for him. I don't wish to listen to his music, but have you got his number? Because I like the sound of the private plane. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, but you've got to get that out the tree. Oh, yeah. There's some collateral damage. That's going to be difficult.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can we go back to email corner, please? I've got some business I need to attend to. Yeah, let's chasse on back to email corner, shall we? OK, email corner. There's the link. That was the budget version

exactly uh good morning team morning morning peter morning richie listening to frank and his comments on the magpies last week i live in a country town in northern nsw which i'll know is new south wales yes good day we have lovely accent. Thank you. We have maggies here and if I were to salute a magpie, I would have to have my fingers glued to my forehead as they're in my garden all the time.

They can get very bad tempered, bit Prince George, Frank, if you walk underneath their nest and will attack you by swooping down and aiming for the back of your head. Many a person has had

to have stitches as a result. Did you know that a group of magpies are called a tidying, a gulp, a murder or a charm? That's Amanda. They're good, aren't they? They're good collective names. Oh, I love... Well, Murder of Crows is one of my favourites. But you can also have a murder or a magpie.

Isn't that one of those things that people say that, oh, I bet you don't know this and everyone goes, yeah. Oh, I like Gary Oldman's sister. Yeah, exactly. That's because you still feel bitter because you did actually do that on the show once. Yeah, I say that as a person who does this, yeah. Torchwood and Doctor Who.

Yeah. That's another one. Totes. What do people say about that? The anagram thing. Oh, I didn't even know that. Torchwood. Why are you gasping?

Daisy's gasping. Daisy was gasping. Why would that be on my radar? This one's a cigarette. You know, Erinsborough. I'm gasping. just wants a cigarette. You know, Erinsborough... I'm gasping. ...on Neighbours, you know, Erinsborough... Yeah.

...is sort of germane. It's an anagram of Neighbours, yeah. Yeah. It's of interest to the person from New South Wales. These are what we talked about before. It's surprising facts that everyone actually knows because they're told so often, surprising facts. But I didn't know you could have a murder

of magpies, I will say that. I didn't know that torture, but then I own property, so I wouldn't. Okay. You can have an iPhone of robins. Yeah. A scotch egg of cormorants. Lovely. It's making me hungry.

Yeah. A concubine of starlings. A haribo of rooks yeah nice love those yeah um a uh here we go

a magarby of wrens do you know I saw a magarby of wrens over by the top field I love it when they have a top field in the Arches. A Delolio of thrushes. Yes. God, she suffered with that. But the trouble is, if you've got a garden full of magpies every day,

aren't you liable to edit, aren't you? What do you mean? You're liable to look around for like two and that's my day sorted joy and then ignore the other ones afterwards you know you can yeah put the blinkers on once you've seen two what about when that bird of prey attacked the other bird in my garden it was awful that sounds exciting it was a homicide i told you that yeah it was a homicide on my concrete patch a murder yeah was there a murder exciting. It was a homicide, I told you that. Yeah. It was a homicide on my concrete patch. A murder. Yeah.

Was there a murder? A murder, of course. Some tablets in my... Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Can I say, it's a beautiful sunny day.

I don't know what the temperature is, but it's hot out there, boys. Yeah, it's roasting out there. And Daisy, our producer, lovely young girl with everything to live for, 70 denier opaques right now. What? They're tight. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, I feel her pain. I've got them on as well, but under some black jeans. Yeah, but this period of year, it's a nightmare. On the sartorial front, it's the transitional period, you see. Too many layers or too few, is that your issue? Well, it plays havoc with your wardrobe. For example, I've gone bare legs today, as you may have noticed. Didn't, never.

It's taken three weeks to prepare for this outing. Has it? Yeah. You have to moisturise, exfoliate. There's a lot of preparation. Legs just don't come as they are, you know. Did you wax? Did you wax?

What's wrong with you? Are you all right? And I've got a little secret I'm going to let you boys into. Are you sure? Yeah. I think people need to know this. It's a need-to-know into. Are you sure? Yeah. I think people need to know this. It's a need-to-know basis.

What's this? Okay. In these early... What I find is when there's a bit of wind in the air, you can come unstuck with a gust, can't you? So you'll wear the skirt, but it's still a bit wintry conditions. No, I don't weight it down. And I was with a girl recently who does exactly the same. You wear a pant which is more akin to a cycling short.

So that if that should happen... Very wise. If that should happen. If the wind is so strong that it falls you on your backside you've got a bit of padding in the cycling shorts. No, so you don't go sumo wrestler. Chamois. No.

So if the wind did raise everything it wouldn't be any more... It's the sort of thing you might cycle in anyway. It's a bit box fizz. See some more. Brilliant. That's sensible. But I find I get very offended by what people wear in this transitional period. I know that.

Well, any time. I don't think that's seasonal, is it? That's a hardy perennial. It certainly is. For example. For example. Uh-oh. I don't like the way you look to me, though.

For example. What have I done? Put away the coats, please. Those long pallbearers' coats. When the sun comes out, I won't tolerate coats. put away the coats, please. There's long pallbearers' coats when the sun comes out. I won't tolerate coats. No coats after April. I've got a list of very strict rules. But what about

never cast a clout till May's out? I don't know. As I say, I don't go out with Geoffrey Chaucer. What did you just say? He doesn't call me. It's a well-known adage. Never cast a clout until May's out. What is a clout? Well, funny enough, I've just written a play which has got a clout well funny enough i'm just i've just written a play which has got a clout in it and we're looking to find uh an actor to play the clout

but unfortunately you can't cast a clout until uh no i don't a clout i imagine it's a cloak i love a cloak frank can i ask you a question do you go what I call foot commando when the sun's out? What, no socks? Yeah. Never. Really? Not the way my feet are. Oh, they pump it out, my feet.

We used to do competitions when I was doing my A-levels. And what you had to do, we had like a parquet wooden floor, but unvarnished. Lovely. We had like a parquet wooden floor, but unvarnished. And we'd sit and we had to put our stocking feet on the floor for ten seconds. And then whoever left the darkest mark had won. And I wiped the floor with them. Very good.

Yeah. No, I did. They pump out the fluid in my feet. I couldn't get away. You see, I think anyone that wears socks past April should be humanely destroyed. Even gentlemen. I don't want to be one of those blokes that wear a moccasin with no socks. Would you not go Birkenstocks? No socks and a loafer? Oh,

God, no. No, we're not that kind of gentlemen. No, no, no. I'm speaking for us both now, because we are a married couple as we covered last week on the show. What do you do about football? You wear Birkenstocks, don't you, in the transitional period? I don't wear Birkenstocks, but I do sport a flip-flop sometimes. I've got, like, a Teva padded sole flip-flop.

Yeah, you look quite hot in those as well. Thanks. Would you come into town in a flip-flop? No, not really. Come into town? Unless we're going to be roasting. But here's a question. I've been...

Sorry. Did you read that woman in the paper this week who said that... And I'm not... It's just her allegation, but she said that she'd had paper this week who said that, and I'm not, it may well, it's just her allegation, but she said that she'd had something of a fling with Sir Tom Jones. Oh, yes, I did see that. And she said she was slightly put off

by him wearing house slippers. Oh, where's my slippers? There you go. That's better. Now, where were we? Oh, no. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show.

Absolute Radio. I think it's funny you should bring up the changing weather and layers, because I've been thinking recently, I think I could probably do without a winter coat these days. I reckon I could coat with a summer jacket for about ten months of the year. I could certainly save on money, wouldn't you, that way? Yeah, I might never buy a winter coat ever again. I've got a couple, that'll do me for life now.

I could do 12 months, I reckon. You reckon? I'd just get a car everywhere. But you can also accessorise. It's a great tip for everyone out there. They can all apply to their lives. I'll tell you what I've been wearing, Emily Dean. And both indoor and outdoor.

I've been wearing half a scarf. I've been given half a scarf. My father-in-law... Wasn't he involved in the miners' strike? My father-in-law bought a scarf. He said, I bought this scarf, I really like it But it was too wide so I've chopped it in half Down the middle

You've got to hem it though Well I've got it with me You'll come a Roy Cropper otherwise It's going to be frayed like the Hulk It's a nice bit of kit I'm rummaging in the Good idea of rummaging Cochrane backpack

There it is Sorry, when you said you'd cut it in half It's good, good radio-romiting. Cochrane backpack. There it is. Sorry, when you said you'd cut it in half, I didn't think you meant lengthways. He cut it in half, lengthways, yeah. You've given it the half a scarf. Watch this. It doesn't look at all like you found it on a skib.

I think it looks all right. It's fabulous. I think it looks absolutely terrible. It's wonderful, isn't it? I've got several items that are the same as my father-in-law now. It looks like I dress like a man in his late 70s. It is one of those things you sometimes see Labradors wearing at a folk festival. Yeah, that's the look I'm going for. Labrador at folk festival.

Very hard to find magazine articles that cater for this. We could tell the readers as well. It's a sort of tartan print, isn't it? Yeah. It's a brief gesture towards a tartan print, but it's been chopped in could tell the readers as well. It's a sort of tartan print, isn't it? Yeah. It's a brief gesture towards a tartan print, but it's been chopped in half, the tartan print. I'm sure we can pop this on the old website, because if you've got it flaunted, that's my motto about having half a scarf.

I think you know it. I think it's alright. Do you? I think you look a bit early, Rod Stewart. Yeah, but you carry around a bowling bag. Good point. Yeah. I like that as well, for the record. Say? I'm not giving it to you tom jones is uh tom jones is an interesting example because quite often when i watch the voice tom jones is wearing stuff that i would wear whereas the young men on it

he's been influenced by will i am though i think oh will i am's clothing i wouldn't wear and a lot of the boys that not many of us could carry on. Not many of us could carry on. I would go to bed with Tom Jones, definitely. Men cleavage. Would you? Yeah. I'd get to bed with Will.i.am.

You love carpet slippers, though, don't you? I think he's lovely. Will.i.am. He's got kind eyes. He has. He's got a nice face. Yeah. I like him.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. I like him. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. It's warming here in my half a scarf. You don't have to keep the scarf on. No, you're right, but I could have turned it off. I haven't yet.

We need to talk about Rodney Marsh. What's going on, mate? It's a bit Bay City rollers. Let me know if your uncle goes through the other half. I don't mean if he gets divorced. I mean if he gets with... My father-in-law. Oh, father-in-law, yeah.

Well, you know. Two successful men in comedy sharing a scarf. It's what it's come to. This is what it's come to. I'm at a stage where I need to text my father-in-law

saying I'm wearing the half a scarf. Don't you turn up in it. Because we've also got a similar, like a heavy cotton, almost like a denim jacket, smock top. What, half each? No, we've got the same one. Why would you serve me and Daisy

start cutting our dresses in half? How would that go down? Depends which half, I suppose. Yeah, exactly. I'd be fine with it. Our bag's bottom. Yeah. Sorry, are. I'd be fine with it. Our bag's bottom. Yeah. Sorry, are we casting a Shakespeare play?

Rodney Marsh, we need to talk about him, because he's lost a bet. He made a big... Oh, yes. Made a big speech on, I think, maybe on the Twitter. I like the fact that he uses the Twitter, but... He had a moment of madness, though. How old is Rodney Marsh?

He's got to be 70. Yeah, he must be doing it with one of those big button phones that Roger Moore uses Big button phones they make this rock and whirl go round So he said if Stoke City get on the match of the day on the

first game by the end of the season he would clean every player's boots I should explain in case there's any non-football fans listening that they tend to do a match of the day, put the most exciting game first and then the second most exciting. They top load. The glamour fixture at the top. As they say in America

on the chat show circuit, they top load. So the last games are usually the most boring games of the week. So Rodney Marsh's point was that Stoke was so boring they'll never be on first. And that was incorrect. Yes, they beat Chelsea 3-2 in some style. Yeah, and they got top billing.

Top billing. And now he's going to drive himself. He says... Will drive self. He says, I'm going to drive there. Where does he live? He lives in America. Oh, it's a drive. Yeah, I find it a bit weird that he lives in America

and that he said he's going to drive there. Surely he'll fly and drive surely he could do that well yes he's not going to have a good james bond car across the atlantic maybe i know he's a colorful character some of your contacts in the high car higher car i do i do you have a few to hire a car every now and again more i'll see yeah yes i know it's i'll tell you what's odd about this. Do you remember when he did this with Bradford City? No. No, what did he do?

He said to Bradford City... Well, he said that they'd definitely get relegated. Right. And they were in the Prem that year, and it didn't happen. And his thing then was that he was going to get his head shaved. Oh. So sure enough, he had to get his head shaved

on the centre spot, I think, at the ground. Is it Valley Parade, Bradford? Yeah. Oh, that's so humiliating. Yeah, but it's almost like he's doing it on purpose. It's like he's some sort of self-publicist. Like he's painting himself into a corner. Yeah.

Yeah. I've got a bit of a bet on. Go on. I have told my friend Daniel, who I play chess against, that I will be still in the lead. Seven-year-old Alan Cochran. I play chess against.

We've been playing chess every now and again. That's so cute. I'm ahead. I'm ahead in the chess. What about when I found my mate up who was 45? I hadn't seen him for years. I said, what do you want to do? And he said why don't you just come round my house so we can listen

to some music. Brilliant. What? We did as well. We did. It was great. So Daniel was claiming that I took an early lead and that now he's getting better and that he's going to be winning by the time we get to summer. I said

that's not going to happen. I said I'm still going to be in the lead i bet in my car i just i just said if you're ahead by the start of summer you can have my car but i don't believe you will be so you haven't really said that yeah i've bet in my car that i'll still be ahead but i'm ahead now and he's in australia right now so all i really need to do is avoid him until the end of June and it will be fine, won't it? I don't get involved in any bets or anything like that. Me neither, usually. I don't know anyone butching off to bet me about anything nowadays. I used to get into a lot of sports bets.

Anyone butching off? I don't know. I bet you a pound about Andy Murray. In the children's singing groups. Did you? Oh, yeah, that was our big bet. That was my last bet before this. I once got about five pounds

on the school coach it was a geography field trip to Epping Forest what's your language? five pounds to go to the bathroom

on the coach okay that's okay though what do you mean liquids what to the toilet though on there or just on the chair

no just on the seat oh I see I did it yeah oh wow and I got the five pounds but I had a map of Africa quid. What, to the toilet though on there or just on the chair? No, just on the seat. Oh, I see. I did it, yeah. Oh. Wow. And I got the five pounds but I had a map of Africa on my backside which wasn't good. No. You did have your cycling shorts

on though so it was fine. Never borrowed Bob McCarvey. Didn't used to wear shirts with a map of Africa on. I realise now he's just winning a series of bets. You did that, you. I did it. Scoundrel.

I think I was drunk. And the rest is this age history. Won the score. Yeah, we sneaked into the pub. Oh, we've seen the downside. I just haven't, I haven't, well, I'll tell you in a minute. Okay. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

That was you two with Invisible. No, I don't envy Rodney. I don't think I've polished my shoes for 10, 12 years. Do you ever polish shoes? No, but football boots you should, shouldn't you? Yeah, but I don't wear football boots at my age. No. That would be ridiculous.

They've said that they're going to auction them off for charity after he's cleaned them, which I think is a bit of a shame because I like the idea that he spends all that time cleaning them

and then they all just put them on and go and play in a really dirty game and just immediately undo that graft. That'll teach him. I'm not being rude, but I don't think

they'll get much for them. No. What would you pay for those? I think it's quite not being rude, but I don't think they'll get much for them. No. What would you pay for those? I think it's quite a good course, but I don't know if they'll get much. Well, let's hope they do. When I'm staying in hotels a lot on tours, you know you get those little boot cleaning, like boot polish? I could do with some of that.

Can you? I'll bring you some. Do you polish it? Well, I've got some brown leather desert boots on, actually, that could do with do with some of that. Can you? I'll bring you some. Do you polish it? Well, I've got some brown leather desert boots on, actually, that could do with a little... Are they suede? No. They tend to be black, these things. Frank's training me to do that as part of my canine tricks. Yeah.

I'm just wasting them. I'm just going down to breakfast to Sir Robert Winston every morning. It's, uh... I mean, it's ridiculous looking back. Um, Rodney... By the way, here's a guess, then. You'll never get it. What was the title of Rodney Marsh's autobiography?

He's had two out, but one... Oh, come on, we've got to get this right. One was particular. I don't think you will get it, because it's not a pun. It's just like... You know when I talk about self-styled colourful characters? Yeah, yeah. His autobiography... His autobiography is called i was born a loose cannon it's the most on the nose i have a colorful

character no puns nothing he's he did another one called priceless of course he did which is a bit ambiguous isn't it because it's that thing you, that he's priceless. He was such a great player, he could argue. Or, you know, when people say, oh, I should have said the look on his face. It was priceless. I'm going to start saying that. It's no don't tell Kath, but it'll do. No.

Is that your autobiography? No, that was Ian Botham's. But Frank could use it. He could use it next time when you do another autobiography. What do you want, two? Two and counting. His famous quote as well another autobiography. What do you want, two? Two and counting. His famous quote as well, Rodney Marsh, do you remember this? He said English football was a grey game

played on a grey day, watched by grey people. Turned out his telly was malfunctioning. Anyway, Mark Crossley is coming up next and thank you so much for listening, and if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we're back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio.

Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.