The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Dusty Shoes

Episode Date: April 19, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank has some tour and tardis tales to share. The team discuss odd grooming habits, a beauty contest bust up and the oldest Hot Cross bun.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Why don't... Oh, sorry, I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Thank you. I clean forgot. And you can text us on 81215. We're live now. And you can text us on 8-12-15. We're live now. And you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio,

or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We've got eggs today. Yeah, we've got eggs. Where did they come from, the eggs? Italian meat. Oh, from our support staff. How lovely. Chocolate support staff.

You know what they say, never eat fan food. So I might have to get a taster. Oh, no, they're not fans, are we? Oh, they're certainly not fans. They're staff, they work on the show. Do people still uh tasters for food people in high positions oh that'd be good when i say people in high positions i don't mean that tennis referee yeah sorry umpires yeah i like the use of tennis referees and i think we should we knew we all knew we all knew what i meant by that what else could i possibly mean by it never since that sitcom

did people think oh referees is that like the training shoes they wear? No. It's got trickiness in that sitcom. I thought I was helping explain it, you know, like Shakespeare does for the groundlings. Stop arguing and eat that cake. Thank you. Can I point out that Alan Cochran's sitcom starts on Thursday evening? It's not mine.

Can I point out that I've seen it? Yes. Oh, goodness. And I find him at least 34% more attractive. Well, that's makeup. Yeah. Yeah. No, because of this fantastic performance.

I'm going to start wearing that in my everyday life. Turns out he's quite a good actor, Frank. Well, I didn't doubt that for a second. I did. Oh, I did. I've heard some of his tales from the job centre. Yeah, no, so watch that. What's it called, Alan?

Trying Again. Trying Again. Sky Living. Why have we started with an advert for the sitcom? No, it just cropped up, didn't it? Yeah, it came up. That's what happens on this show. Things crop up.

Yeah. I know, I'm going to turn the air con down. Oh, we've had a text in, Frank, from Barry. He says, hi, Frank and the team. Do you mean a person or the island in Wales? No, not from the entire island. This is just from Barry. He says, hi, Frank and the team.

It was great to see Frank back in Bournemouth last week. I hope that he enjoyed the Boscombe Tardis and encountered the local residents. A famous Boscombe local is Gaza. I was going to shout this out, but it did not seem appropriate. Gaza doesn't live in Bosca. No, I didn't think so. That's what he's saying. Well, maybe he's moved there now, Frank.

It's a different Gaza. I'm now in the position of that judge who says, who is Gaza? Yes. Well, yes, I played Bournemouth. And as you know, if your British geography is red hot, Boscombe is right there in Bournemouth, next to Bournemouth, joined to Bournemouth, within Bournemouth. It's there. And they've opened an actual police box.

Have they? Like a proper old-fashioned, they used to have in the 50s in this country. So it looks exactly like the TARDIS, not exactly, but more or less exactly like the TARDIS. And there's a door in the front and you can use the phone to call the police in times of, I'm sure this is no

reflection on Boscombe and its residents. But I was looking at it and I had my photo took in front of it and stuff. I was with Gareth, who used to be on this show, of course. Yes. In the Golden Age. Yeah.

And... And it's award-winning here, too. Exactly. Exactly. And then this man came up who... How can I describe him? He had about... I'd say he had no more than five teeth.

He had between three and five teeth. So your demographic, essentially. Yeah, and he had a camouflage coat on and a baseball cap. Yeah. And we had a conversation, which I thought was very enlightening about the Boscombe TARDIS, and I'll share it with you after this short break. Absolute. Absol break. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I made them change my chair in the break, didn't I? Yeah, it was... I saw a complete flashback to Emily when she was about ten. What's wrong with the armrests?

They weren't there. The armrests were too hard. They were broken. She was going, oh, my arm isn't... Oh, I can't... I can just... I could see. I could see the child.

Anyway, so this bloke with the reduced number of teeth... Camouflage jacket. He pointed at this police box. He said, what do you see? What do you see? And I said, well, I thought he was getting at the doctor. I hope he'll be the next host of Catch Race. And I said, well, the TARDIS.

And he said, He said, it's a prison for buskers. Oh. Which hadn't struck me at all that that's what it was being used for. I was tempted to put my ear to it to see if I could hear him. Let me take you back. But he was very adamant about this, and then he walked away, and he said to me, you've got a very juvenile view of life.

Did he really say that? He said, you do. No, I quite like it. As we'd driven there especially to see the TARDIS, I couldn't really argue against it. But I don't think he was a fair representative of Boscombe because I was we were then, we wandered off,

Gareth and I, and we were beckoned into a cafe by two young women. Oh. I'm liking this Wallace and Gromit friendship you and Gareth have. I like the old school tour story. We were beckoned somewhere by two young women. Yeah. We were filming the confessions

of a window cleaner at the time. And these two women ran a cafe called The Twisted Teapot. And they were sisters. And they called us in and gave us free carrot cake. Nice. So there you go.

Two sides of the same Boscombe coin. A bit juvenile. It was fairly juvenile. But it was very odd last week, because we drove off on tour from London. And if you know that London area, you may know Vanguard on the A40, which is a big tall tower next to the Hoover Building. And they have a sort of gimmick. I don't even know what they do with the company.

But they have... Storage or... They have things on the roof. Don't look at me. I don't get involved in admin. I could be doing today's texting. What does Vanguard do? Yeah.

So that'd be a great texting. But they have, like... They'd be advertising. Please let that be our texting. Advertisers who pay to be on this programme are absolutely furious. We're doing a massive Vanguard special. But anyway, they have things on top.

They have airplanes up there and they have a big inflatable Santa. Oh, like big installations, yeah. And they've got a TARDIS up there. So we drove past the TARDIS. Then I went to Cardiff where we went to the Doctor Who experience. And then I went to Cardiff, where we went to the Doctor Who Experience. And then we went to Cardiff. I mean, it was... Next thing you know, you'll be moving back in with your parents.

Exactly. Do you think this is true, Emily? Do you think he's really seen three TARDISes in a week? I think it's that non-alcoholic wine he's chugging it back. There was more than three at the Doctor Who Experience, I can tell you. And the lecky cig, you back on those as well. I'll tell you something else. My shoelace came

undone in Cardiff. I know this doesn't sound like it's going to be one of the great anecdotes. All right, Peter Houston off. Let's hear this anecdote. And I don't know whether this is deliberate council policy across the nation, but there are less things

to put your foot on, are less things to put your foot on the right height to put your foot on or maybe i can't get my foot as high as i used to um well some people go straight down they actually go down and then and go flat very interesting point frank because i'm often forced to do that myself when i'm doing the heel swap okay so i'm looking for something about about sort of calf height is that what you're looking for yeah yeah maybe you should explain the heel swap you mean when you go from flat so if i'm going out just fyi readers if i'm going out for the evening i'll sometimes wear a ballet pump um not really a trainer it's a bit more new york

a ballet pump or a flip-flop to commute around town. I'm a girl about town. Yes. And then I'll find a secret corner of an alley maybe to put the heels on just before I arrive at the venue. Yeah. No one ever knows. The ballet pumps go in the back. But that's a different leaning position that, isn't it? Because you're, I imagine you're like. I'll be the judge of that. You know when people do that, the sort of thigh stretch, you see footballers doing it. It's a bit like that the hamstring, yeah but I needed something, I think there might be a sort of health and safety policy to stop people

tying shoelaces on council posts and walls in case they have a slip and fall incident and catch a shin does anyone work for a local council can you fill us in Absolute Radio Frank Skin in? Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

You know earlier you were talking about tying your shoelaces One of the better anecdotes that's ever featured on our show Well it's something you don't hear much discussed now So at least it has a sort of smell of originality I think it's up there with mine about you forget how hot peppercorns are sometimes don't you

anyway simon has texted us he says i take the touch toe stance when tying my laces whoa does that mean it with a straight leg oh well i would imagine very flexible in the hamstrings if that's the case if i did that I'd have to have very long laces and tie them at about just above my knee. That'd be no good to me at all. It'd be dangerous. Well, hold your high horses. Let's read on.

But you are against a ticking clock before toppling sideways. I was once so determined to finish tying my shoelace before losing balance and toppling sideways that I did in fact fall, but continued the process whilst lying on my side. Well, there's an argument. Well done for that, though. But there is an argument that it's easier if you just lay on the floor and tied them.

That's how I do mine. I just lie in the street and tie my shoelace. What I need is a sort of telescopic heel. Yeah. That I can bring down and then use that as my support that'd be brilliant but you know those um tape measures that you get yeah like like workmen have yes i know tape measures oh yeah do you mean the stiff ones yes yeah you could just hook if you if it was like that your heel you could just hook that on a curb and then lift it up and then it's

a supportive heel. If there's any inventors listening, you're in your shed this morning, wondering what to try next, let's go for the telescopic lace-tying heel. We've had an email in, Frank, from Connor Clark. He's got something of a dilemma. Hi, Frank, Emily and Venn Diagram. That's not going anywhere. My wife and I run a popular book club on the last Monday of every month.

It's enjoyable. It's not Richard and Judy. It's enjoyable, educational. No, it's not Richard and Judy. And I'm sure something Frank would approve of. In nearly three years, we've only missed a couple of meetings. And that's been when we were on holiday, turning right on the plane. Sorry, Emily. meetings and that's been when we were on holiday turning right on the plane sorry emily however the next book club clashes with tickets i have to see frank in liverpool on the 28th can you offer

any advice obviously i'm not missing your show but i still need something to tell the angry book lovers a novel by beryl bainbridge um it needs um it depends what the book is doesn't it well this is true yeah it's a lousy book. Or if it's the first chapter and they can catch up, but if it's the last chapter of the whole... They don't do a chapter a week, do they? Don't they? It's the idea you have to read a book for homework.

Has anyone here ever done a book club? No. Not officially. I did a thing with... When I was on tour once, me and my support act did a thing that we both had to read a book and then tell the other one about it. But it was separate books. Okay.

And we did be nodded off. Well, we went into a radio, I didn't go into a radio shop, we went into a bookshop. Went into a radio, that's a bit juvenile. And I gave numbers, first of all. So it was like seven, 3, 4 or something. So it was the seventh bookcase in the shop, four shelves up, three books across. And that was what we had to read.

So I ended up with a gay novel, and he ended up with a Catherine Cookson, which we then read and had to tell each other about. So that was a book club of sorts. Anything that gets people reading. I mean, there's part of me thinking, well, they have bought the tickets. Yeah. So, um...

Yeah, I do hate that. So go if you like. They've sold out and they've then got empty seats. It sort of seems like the ultimate heckle. Yeah, but, you know, if they're at a book club, it's the best possible excuse. I'd rather you came, don't get me wrong. Yeah. If there's any other tickets left, why not bring the whole book club in and do it in the intermission?

Oh, that'd be good. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Yeah, so, what was we talking about? I don't know. Tiny shoelaces. That's become my catchphrase as I've got older. What were we talking about? I don't know. What was we talking about? I don't know. Tiny shoelaces. That's become my catchphrase as I've got older. What were we talking about? I don't know.

What was we talking about? What was we talking about? Mm. Yes. Still nobody's replied to today's texting of, uh, what is Vanguard? What do they do? I can't believe it. There must be people that drive up and down the A40.

They must have found it. Yeah. I'm damned if I'm Googling it. No, me neither. What about, um, I went and saw Noah. Oh. The film.

Mm-hmm. We're going to need a bigger boat. I know that. Yeah? That's the man with the boat, isn't it? It was, um...

Is that a line from the film, we're going to need a bigger boat? No, that's a line from Jaws. Oh, yeah. But you have to pay to download that, so

you probably haven't seen it. Russell, uh, Russell Crowe doesn't really do lines like that, does he? No. Well, I i don't know i only spent a couple of evenings with him oh of course genuinely i know him i know i've encountered him but i can't tell my anecdote because it involves a lot of expletives okay um well good but um i've i only know him through Celia Lloyd. OK. And do you know Celia Lloyd?

Right, posh girl, everything. Now, I've seen him in films. I find he's obviously a good actor, but he's a good actor who seems to be thinking, for blimey, I'm a good actor, all the time he's acting. He's very momentous. Oh, yeah.

So, everything he said... He's not got much self-doubt, old Russell. No, but everything he said in the film was... Pious... Important. Pious... Pious... Is he drunk Scottish in it? It wasn't brave part you were watching, was it?

I didn't think it needed words. Did he? He does speak in it, doesn't he? He does, but you know what I mean? He's a bit like that. I imagine him wearing a Salwester as he says it. He's just momentous. If I was the director and I said,

Russell, I love you, it was just a bit too momentous. Can we have less? That was never a note I got on the sitcom. Can we have less momentousness A bit of light and dark Russell I can't take that much momentousness It's making my shoulders hurt The idea of you directing Russell Crowe

I'd sell my house I'm sure we've all seen That home movie footage Of Hitler dancing Have you seen that? No. No? No.

It's Hitler socialising. I've seen it. It's my screensaver. In the Birch Garden. It's Blondie there. I think Blondie's tied up. But it's with Ava. That's his dog, by the way, in case you're wondering.

And he dances quite well, fair play to him yeah and you can't say that about adolf hitler you can say that you can that's what people say about him he's a wonderful public speaker and he dances quite well fair play to him that's what they say now they're adding that now. My point is that Hitler didn't... Clearly, he didn't moment us, Hitler. But he also, you know, he could relax and have a lightness of touch. Lightness of touch? A light on his feet, Hitler. Russell Crowe is just...

You know, he kind of... Thingy was in it, Anthony Hopkins. Thingy. Oh, he loves being... Thingy was in it, Anthony Hopkins. Thingy. Oh, he loves being called Thingy. Anthony Hopkins, he does... Thingy. He does a great momentous, but also... He does the quiet, doesn't he?

He does a bit about, like, embarrassing it. Spoilers. Oh. And it's... I can't wait to see this film. It's lovely. Also, it's, you know, it's been... How does Anthony Hopkins, do you Anthony Hopkins,

what does he do? He does light and then chill. Oh you know, it's been... How does Anthony Hopkins, do you Anthony Hopkins, what does he do? He does light and then... It's good to see you. Yeah, that is. Noah. That's alright. Come, Noah. Noah, you need to relax. Come dance with me. It's getting hot in here,

so take off all your clothes. You know what I mean? He can be light-hearted in a way that Russell Crowe can't. If you know what I mean. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. So you've gone to see Noah, which starred Russell Crowe in Thingy. No, I'm a great fan of Sir Anthony Hopkins, but just for a second I had a senior. Also, it's very right on. You know, it's all about saving the planet, really. It's not so much about...

I'm not going to give too much away, but you must know it's for publicity. There's a lot of... They're vegetarians and stuff, and that's why they save the animals. A lot of rain, is there? Is there a lot of rain in it? There's a fair amount of rain. That holds no appeal whatsoever.

Can I ask, though, if you were a really super vegetarian, would you name your son Ham? No. Seems likely, doesn't he? Is there a Ham in it. Other than Russell Crowe. I don't know if he's... I can't possibly...

If he's listening, he's the sort of bloke who'd come round the studio. Yeah, I'd take him. Oh, he will. He listens to everything. Hi, Russell. I'd take him. Miss you. Yes, can I have a word with you outside?

He called me Whizzy UK. That was his nickname for me. Whizzy UK? Because he had a friend in Australia called Whizzy. And apparently I looked just like her. But even that, even that, I bet he said, You are Whizzy UK. He couldn't do it in a light way.

I'm going to put you in my phone. I was, um... I'd be self-rightened if he said that. He's never going to put you in my phone. I was, um, I'd be so frightened if he said that. He's never going to speak to me again. I was, um, I was in the park with my son, Boz, and, um, B-U-double-Z. And,

uh, was he? He was on the double Z. He was on, um, he was on the swing. Oh, they love the swing. Well, he went through a period of being frightened of the swing, but now he's back to it. So I was giving him a good old push, and this kid walked past, this small child,

and went, the baby's going high. And just carried on walking. And I kind of... It made me think, oh, God, I'm pushing him too hard. What an interesting piece of commentary. I don't think you should take health and safety advice from other children. That's one of the rules.

They won't mislead you. I took Bertie, my niece, on the swings the other day, and there were some children on the roundabout, and one of them said, you can't come in here, this is National Rail. Apparently that's what they play in playgrounds now, National Rail. Oh. God. come back to this this is frank skinner so how are you go on the swing i don't know but i noticed i slowed up a bit when i i was getting

he was there was a sort of kink at the end of the arc where he was sort of dropped we're not you go on the swing, I don't know. But I noticed that I slowed up a bit when I was getting... There was a sort of kink at the end of the arc where he was sort of dropped. We're not back to Noah. Or Ray Davis. So, yeah, so I felt like I was pushing him. But, you know, he wasn't complaining. No, they're fine with it.

Also, we went to a zoo in Golders Green. Is this you and Buzz now, or you and Gareth? Yeah, me, Buzz, and the whole family. Another of your day trips. And we saw, you know, so Buzz is going donkey, donkey at the donkeys, obviously. And the owl, owl. Donkey hotel. Owl at the owls.

It was all very good. And he likes the animals and all that. And then as we was walking back, he pointed again and it was a rat on the floor. Were you in the cafe by that point? And I actually went, rat, rat, even though I'm thinking, oh, it's a rat. It was quite close.

And the rat didn't flee, even though he got close. Oh, they're brave souls. The rat might think it's part of the zoo. Well, it does live. Why shouldn't it? No, it very much looked as if it wasn't. It very much looked... But I mean, what it thinks and what it is is two different things.

No, no, but I thought its manner... It looked like a burglar rat. Its manner was very much, hey, I'm not part of the zoo, so don't fight me out. You know, I'm... I'm an independent free spirit. I'm here incognito. This is my hood, you know. He felt like it wouldn't right

to be pointed at him like he was him. It's like when you see those, you know those ponks with big mohawks you see getting photographed in London. You think this is not what it should be like for the ponks. They should be troublesome and outlaws. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Oh, thanks very much.

Did you forget who we were? No, I thought I'm sounding a bit one-legged. Oh, yeah? It's a radio term. You can text us on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. When you said I'm sounding a bit one-legged,

it's a radio term, the producer just looked at me and shook her head as if to go, it's not Alan. As if I'm making little notes, like, oh, well, that'll be handy for my future career in radio. It's a comment on manoral sound. Is it? Yeah. Oh, good. I like just saying you're sounding a bit toppy, that's all I know.

Oh, yeah, yeah. A bit lager toppy. Yeah. So, well, this weekend it's Easter. Apparently there has some tremendous religious significance. Yes. Which is lost on me. And me. Frank fasted yesterday.

What? It's Good Friday. You have to fast on Good Friday. Oh, really? I ate loads as well. I had a good Friday. Yeah, you'll have it. You won't have such a good Friday in the furnace.

I love, I just... You're going to Barrow-in-Furness. He's using the days for what they're intended in fairness. I've used the days to lie in bed and dream up revenge strategies. People insulted me in 1987. That's what I do with my extra time. I do. At least you're, you know, looking back at your life.

I like that sort of thing. Yeah, but they found, have you read about this hot cross bun? Because I need to talk to you about hot cross buns. I have major hot cross bun issues. It's got bun issues. It's the citrus inclusion, but we'll get to that. Oh, yes. What's in there that's citrus?

It's a great big orange bit, maybe. What's in there? The citrus? Isn't there like a bit of... A great big orange bit, maybe? There's big orange bits in a hot cross bun. Well, I think it depends on your... But I have known like a sort of... You know, a sort of a marmalade or slice. Yeah, it's a hideous surprise. I have had them with those in.

Yes. It's like meeting your dream man and then finding he's got white snake on his iPod. That's what it feels like. Yeah. It's like another hot cross bun. I've had that. Oranges.

Can I ask a question? When I was a kid, we used to have tangerines. Hang on, we're going back a bit here. We used to have tangerines, and then suddenly they turn into satsumas. Are they one and the same thing, or is that a different breed of small orange? I don't know.

I can't remember the peasants revolt that'd be uh today's text in 8 12 15 they are they are different are they we did get resolution on vanguard you know we had the uh the vanguard texting and paul has texted vanguard are an american investment company that manage money on a passive basis. That is all. Cheers, Paul. I manage money on a passive basis. What about this hot cross bun? They found a hot cross bun. Can I ask this question? Well, this is Ask Me Anything.

I recently had a batch. You brought up citrus fruits. I recently had a batch of, let's call them satsumas. Let's try and be modern about it. Yeah. Well, if we're going modern, aren't they easy peelers now? That's what they call them, isn't it? That's in the pound shop.

Okay. Okay, what a giveaway. And I found that, obviously, that many of them were allowed to rot in the fruit bowl. That's all fruit. I would say 80% of the fruit that comes into our house rots into oh but that's a shame i find with satsumas that you get some of them go squidgy and turn to a sort of furry mosh some of them go like rock hard tiny cannibal Tiny cannonball. What in this crazy random universe decides which satsuma takes which route?

I think it's... I love the furry ones. I think the fork in the road is moisture. I think if it goes... I'm talking about things that dwelleth in the same bowl. Okay, calm down. Yeah. I heard you so angry.

If one of them is below moist, then it goes hard. And I think if it's above moist, it goes mushy. Below and above moist? You know, from normal. I like a loose segment. I really do. You think this link's not very tight? Is that what you're saying?

No, she's talking about what she has for breakfast. One segment of satsuma. You know when the segments come loose? Oh, I love that. Well, that's the nice thing about the satsuma. You know when the segments come loose? Oh, I love that. Well, that's the nice thing about the satsuma. It's that thing about just pulling the peel off without any... No need for the thumbnail to have any suffering at all.

I mean, I've done a tight peeled orange with my thumbnail after. Yeah. It's throbbing. Yeah, but I don't like all the white flotsam and jetsam, though. Oh, I like the slight tearing when you pull the inner fruit. You know, the tearing of the pith. Oh, the tearing of the pith.

What a fabulous poem that is. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. You don't mind that? what about this hot cross bun? Yes, the hot cross bun. It's 207 years old, this hot cross bun. This has been found in... In a house in Essex. OK.

There was a rather strange backstory. It was given to the owner's wife... There would be, though, wouldn't there? ...an electrician in the 1980s, which I thought sounded quite set up to a 2 Ronnies sketch. Yes, and he'd done some work at his house. And he'd inherited it also. Who inherits a hot cross bonus?

I think they used to be considered, because of the cross and all that, to be something that brought good fortune. So people used to keep them. Right. I don't know what their random factor is on going squidgy or hard. This one has clearly gone hard. You couldn't keep a squidgy.

She said Dot, the owner, said it was like a ball of concrete. Apparently, yeah, but these original hot cross buns, they just had the cross on the top and they were like bread rolls. I wonder what the name of Dot's website is. What is it? Is it Dot.com?

Yeah, so these are more like bread rolls. I wonder what the name of Dot's website is. What is it? Is it Dot.com? Yeah. So these are more like bread rolls. They have the actual cross on the top. Yeah, there'd be no orange peel in these old style Oh no. No. You'd like that. I'd love it. I don't like the hideous surprise. I think they're a pretty good band.

My problem with them is any sort of horizontal slicing I have to do. Oh, don't you like that, Frank? I find it very hard to judge. So what happens is I often get a thin slice and quite a thick slice. You don't get to slice it. And I hate that thing. The bread roll. I find not always with a hot cross bun they get wedged in the toaster.

Oh, the burny corner? Oh, I hate the burny? So they start to really burn. And I always do this thing, which is reckless, I know, but I go in with the knife to pull them out. Oh, me too. Do you think I unplug it first? Do I buffalo? I go straight in and, honestly, I'm absolutely on edge.

It's turning my stomach. You're on a knife's edge. I think I've forgotten the dangers. I don't think I've... That doesn't happen anymore, does it? I don't think I've...

You'll get a shock when you remember. No, but I haven't had an electric shock since the 80s. Really? Really? I think I'd find it

quite nostalgic. I've had those static things, but I haven't been thrown across a room since I was, say, 87. When was that? It does seem quite a 70s thing to be warned about.

It's a bit like don't listen to the radio in the bathroom. It is. It's like having a glass of milk. Having an electric shock. It's something that just, it's from my past. Very odd. So, you know, I wouldn't mind, I don't want to kill her, but I wouldn't mind one that just shook me up a bit.

I remember them being quite exciting in the aftermath. Oh, they were exciting. Oh, ho, ho. Then you got an anecdote just like that. Yeah. You'd say it, wouldn't you? Well, I just got a really big shock off that. Are you talking about off the plug or something?

Anything like that. Yeah, but can I tell you why you got it a lot in the 70s? Because of the clothing. It's all man-made fibres. I know, but that's static. i'm on about i think we should give some credit to electricians as well for the last 30 years i think they start a thing for you it's such a typical thing for you to say credit for electricians for goodness sake we've started earthing things better i think it's one of the they don't teach them how to change plugs anymore they They don't need to. No, it's easy, isn't it?

Yeah. Can you think it took so long to supply plugs with electrical goods? You're talking about plugs on Absolute Radio. Well, they like plugs on Absolute Radio. At least it's not for power tools. Makes a nice change. On the Easter food, I eat eggs and boiled eggs all year round. Love them.

And now it's Easter. I feel like there's loads of egg tourists on board. Everyone's having it. What about when my dad's chickens started eating their own eggs? Did I ever tell you that story? No. Did I? I'll tell you later on.

Let's put it this way, my dad dealt with it quite severely. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, my dad always kept chickens when I was a kid. That must have been hard with the two dogs. Well, they weren't allowed in. The chickens were behind chicken wire. OK.

And wayanetting, as they call it. And, uh, occasionally, you'll get one rogue chicken who'll start eating their own eggs or eat all the other chickens' eggs. Oh. Which is not, it's not acceptable. No.

As they say in France. No. So, um, the method was, my dad would get an egg, an intact egg, and he'd blow it. You know how you blow an egg?

You put a little hole in each side and then you blow the contents out. Oh, yeah, we used egg, and he'd blow it. You know how you blow an egg? You put a little hole in its side and then you blow the contents out. Oh yeah, we used to do that when we were kids. He'd then mix up a sort of egg-sized portion of Coleman's mustard. He would not do this.

Honestly, and he'd put that into the egg. I can't remember quite how he put it in, but he used to put that into the egg. Then he used to put this egg back in the chicken thing. And as he was leaving, having done this, he would take all the chicken's water away. And then he would just sit and wait. He was so precise with his punishment.

So, the, well, it's more of a rehabilitation. Because. Tough on the causes of crime. Suddenly you'd see one chicken, I mean, running round. I mean, madly, up and down. Yeah, just running around, desperately looking for the water bowl that wasn't there anymore. Yeah. And that would go on.

They'd be running around for maybe 15 minutes. Ironically, with a sore mouth, it'd be running around like a headless chicken. It would. Exactly that. It was quite ingenious of him to devise that, though. Well, I don't know if he devised it. It might be something...

Not just ingenious. You might have heard it from a serial killer or something. Not just ingenious on torture, but when they ate the chicken, they didn't need to put mustard on it. Brilliant. Always saving the pennies, Al. You can be sure we ate it pretty soon after,

if it was going to be a wrong-un. I'll tell you what I'm not partial to, the Cadbury's cream egg. Oh, you're not a fan? Oh, what about the mini ones? Confectionary overkill. Really? Don't you find with it, you think, oh, I'll have a Cadbury's. Oh, I feel sick.

I could do with that. I mean, literally about four seconds. Now, you've got a point. I'll tell you what I don't like is the proximity of the tinfoil. Oh, I can't even talk about it. But it comes too close, doesn't it, to the mouth, the tinfoil? Well, I take all the tinfoil. I fully unwrap it as well.

Oh, so you've got some piece of the wild brown hands. Yeah, I've used the... I've washed that off with vomit by then. See what I do? Put a little bit of mustard in Frank's egg. Just to teach him a little lesson. And also, surely it should be a creme egg. Cadbury's creme egg.

Well, it's C-R-E-M-E. You wouldn't sound like a complete idiot if you said that. Can I have a Cadbury's creme egg? No, it's C-R-E-M-E. You wouldn't sound like a complete idiot if you said that. Can I have a Cadbury's creme egg? No, but you say it in every other. You say creme brulee, don't you? True. You'd say that's for a creme brulee. Or was it creme fraiche?

Yeah. I love you speaking French. Can I have a Cadbury's creme egg and some creme fraiche? I thought that if you're going that far, it should be an... Just practising it. Yeah. No, I just think it's... Can I have a Cadbury's creme fraiche. I can't believe you're going that far. I should be in... Just practising it. Yeah. No, I just think it's... Creme, Cadbury's cremeur.

That's what Frank's going to say when he goes to Trinus, ain't you? No, but they've used the French spelling. That's my point. C-R... Les oeufs. Call it C-R-E-A-M if you want us to say cream egg.

That's my point. OK, I don't work for Cadbury's. I don't work for Vanguard either. I even say Krispy Kreme. Krispy K point. I don't work for Cadbury's. I don't work for Van Gogh either. I even say Krispy Kreme. I do, because they've I know they've added K's in a Kardashian style, but K-R-E-M-E that should be Krispy Kreme. No, no debate.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. So I'm back in London today with news... Demonstrably. With news from north of the border. I've spent most of last week in Scotland.

Oh. And talk about a missed opportunity. I was in Scotland from Monday to Thursday. What were you doing there? Visiting family and one little gig. Oh, I thought there'd be money in there. No, actually the family visit came first and the gig second.

So it was a holiday? Yes, largely. But a working one to a little bit. That's nice that people go on holiday to Scotland. I didn't know that. Awful. The point being, I was there all that time, didn't have a single conversation about Scottish independence, not one. And on the way up, I'd meant to.

Even last week when you said, what do your family think about independence, I totally forgot to ask. Well, I did offer my gran a cup of tea, who's 90, and she said, no, no, I'm fine. So she's pretty independent. She said, what's all your nail go by you? That's not what they mean by Scottish independence.

Is it not? I don't want someone with an English accent making them tea. I think we accept they are by nature an independent lot, but this is a bit more official. Yeah. But it feels like I really missed... I met loads of people as well, like there was hotel staff... I think I might have had one conversation in England about it.

Oh, I've had loads of conversations about it in England. Perhaps they're not bothered. It seems like... Somebody mentioned it at the gig, but nobody mentioned it backstage, nobody mentioned it in the street, nobody talked to me about it. What I don't want is a text in about it.

You don't want it? Just a simple yes or no? No, I just don't want any dealings. It's not our business. I don't want any dealings. Some of my business, but yeah. I don't like this dealings. It's not our business. I don't want any dealings. Somewhat my business. I don't like this dealings. If I was Scottish, I would

be very miffed about the amount of English people that's got an opinion on it. Mind your own business. I'm very miffed about anybody with an opinion. I think when Bowie waded in, that would have been the... David Bowie, yeah. Honestly. Oh, don't. You can do no wrong in my eyes. Keep it shut, pal pal another weird thing happened

um we were staying in david david keep it in there mate um we were staying in a hotel that had a swimming pool which was exciting i was just making the no i don't care yeah but i you I... You don't understand. Sorry, that was David Bowie. Oh, was it? Yeah, no, I got it. It's not as good as your Ian McMillan. No, well... It's not dissimilar to Elvis Costello.

No, it's not. So we were standing in a hotel... I'm not an impressionist, but I'm not. I'm not a culture. Oh, you didn't need to tell us that. You did, to an extent. You're very good at the people that nobody's heard of. Oh, I'm good at those.

The people that don't exist. Those ones were great. Hey, if I'm good at anything, I'm good at that. That going up thing at the end. Love it. So we stayed in this hotel that had a swimming pool, right? And I'm not lying. Oh, and you were pushing the boat out.

Oh, did you have vouchers? No, I'd just got a decent deal. OK. But the gym... It's the winter months, guess what, Frank? It's not heated. It's always winter in Scotland. There's no summer months there.

The gym was obviously... Gym? The gym and hotel were obviously used by people of a certain age in the Glasgow community. Sometimes we were in the swimming pool and it looked like cocoon, it really did and a strange thing happened don't leave a ring around the sides of the swimming pool a strange thing happened when we were getting changed

me and my little boy, a man came in, it was a walk in swimming pool with the door on this senior gentleman talk about a strange grooming habit This senior man came in from the shower He had his towel wrapped around him I don't like the way this is going

Well, you might not He walked up to the hairdryer Got the hairdryer Turned it on And blow-dried his gentleman's excuse-me You are I'm not lying In full view of everybody in the

Just gave it a full blow-dry And I looked at it and thought I bet that feels really nice in full view of everything. Just gave it a full blow dry. And I looked at it and thought, I bet that feels really nice. I bet it does, in fairness. And you mention it. Why haven't I thought of that? Can I be the lone voice of reason?

It doesn't look really nice. It's absolutely disgusting. I don't mean it looked nice. I mean it looked like it felt nice. If I carried a hand hair dryer, I could do it whilst tying my shoelace. I don't want you to ever do it. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, we last left you with some shocking news. We were in a Glasgow changing room in front of the lockers with a pensioner using a blow dryer on his nether regions shall we say. It makes complete sense if you think about it. Can I ask a question? It makes even more sense when you think I can't remember focusing on it but I think he had a bald head so he was probably thinking

I should get my money's worth out of that hair dryer. Might be Richard Fairbross. Can I ask a question? Was his shirt sexy or less sexy than him? Who's less sexy? Oh, there you go then. It could have been him. Can I ask a question?

Was he wearing trunks or did he have... I'm imagining him with a towel held... Yeah. Oh, it was the towel. It was towel and... flesh. OK. I don't know if we should go into more detail on this.

OK, OK. But it did make me think I'm having a go at that. I'm not sure I'm going to wait for as long as him, but one day I'll be using a blow-dryer on there. I did once, and I have to be careful, I'm afraid, this, but let's say that a suddenly appearing damp patch on my trousers. Oh, yeah. Oh, oh yeah you've been really careful yeah i i had to drive i dried it on the hand dryer in the in the gentleman's yeah and i

had to sort of slightly climb up the wall a bit to get into spider but you're glad you had your grippy shoes on i look like ivy iv looked like Ivy. I looked like Ivy climbing up the wall. And also... There was a cartoon character called Bella the Gymnast. I bet you were like that. Surprising how quickly it gets hot, though, so... Oh, yeah. The actual surface area. Anyway. Enough. I mean, I already moisturised my elbows and knees more

frequently. I'm still having... I've mentioned hand cream on this show before. Someone sent me some hand cream once and I thought don't send me hand cream, by the way. Stick your hand cream on this show before. Someone sent me some hand cream once and I thought don't send me hand cream, by the way. Stick your hand cream. But I can't find a window

for hand cream. Because I put hand cream on and then I'm handling things and they're all even last thing at night I find my hands That's not a good time. They'll just slip out of bed. That is not a good time.

When I wake up, my arms are out of bed, my hands are on the floor, they've just slipped straight out of bed. I just played up with your juggling, hadn't I? Yeah, I threw my juggling. I can't read. You can't use your iPhone or anything, or any other phones are available. You can't use any phone. Are they?

Not really. They're available, but I wouldn't have them. I wouldn't have them. I wouldn't talk to anyone who had one. Can I just say something? I'm actually a bit phobic about hand cream. Specifically, watching girls apply it. There's something a bit pre-operative surgeon about it, and I don't

like it. Oh, I like that. Do they run it to the elbow? Yeah, they run it to the elbow. Oh, I like that. While they're talking to you. Have you got those minutes from the meeting? I can't bear it when girls put hand cream on. Well, girls seem to do it a lot. Yeah, they run it to the elbow. Oh, I like that. While they're talking to you. Have you got those, um, yeah, have you got those minutes from the meeting? I can't bear it when girls put hand cream on. Well, girls seem to do it a lot. Yeah, they do. Twice a day, you're meant to do it.

I can't, you can't get it on everything you own. I'd rather just have the old Madonna hands. How often do you do it? Well, I don't do it enough, hence the old Madonna hands. Okay. I might just get a couple of oven gloves. You know, joined. Joined in the middle.

I'm just trying to read this note. Daisy, can I just say Daisy went a bit coughing major? Yeah, I just couldn't quite read what she'd written. It's my fault. Can I establish it's my fault. So can I establish it's my fault? Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

What's it? My hair, speaking of grooming, is longer than it's been for some time. I quite like it. Yeah, well, see, I don't actually like the feel of it. I like that zzzz on the sides. But my girlfriend said to me, oh, no, I like it long, leave it.

So I've sort of left it. But suddenly there's a lot of decision-making when it's a bit longer. I've gone very much to my left with it. You're passing to your left now. But it's sort of made its own decision on that. And I'm wondering if I should have been more forceful. And I've also tried gelling it straight up

in a Don King. Oh, but Jedward. Have you had a quiet week? It actually looked alright. You don't often see it on an old man. If you could imagine if Fido diedo, you know, where are they now, Fido Dido,

and he's like an old guy living in the country, but his hair's still the same. It's that kind of... Can I give you a piece of advice? Please do. Which I'd love you to take. OK. I like your hair long.

I agree with Kath. And I think if you've still got hair, no offence, which you have, make the most of it, love. Yeah, if you've got it flaunt. There are enough who don't have it. I was trying to keep it short. I was trying to provide a ramp between having hair and not having hair. So people got used to the idea. Whereas if it starts falling out now, it's like if Brian Mays went.

I mean, it'd be an absolute, in a way a blessing, but visually a shocker. It might even wipe the smile off his wife's face. It was a perpetual smile. Anita Dobson. Yeah, she's a great smiler. One of those people whose teeth don't overlap when they smile. They sit on top of each other, like Posh Spice's smile. I don't know if you remember that.

Yeah, I do. Yeah, it's got one of those grins where the teeth sit directly on top of each other. It's a bit PG Tips chimps, isn't it? Yes. I had a moment of unrequested grooming. I kissed my wife goodbye when I was on my way out of the house recently in the kitchen and

she licked her thumbs and flattened my eyebrows. Oh, and she licked her thumbs and flattened my eyebrows. Oh, did she? I would... I like that. You like that? I wish Kath would... I don't think it was meant to be amorous. I think it was more just tidying me up before I saw the outside world. Whose faces could be improved by some eyebrow...

Yes. A little bit of pruning. I've got... Changes in nostril hairs that were coming out the other day when I got in the car. All right, don't just give us a catalogue. I've got nostril hairs I could knot at the back of my head. I might do it at Christmas. Do that and then do the Don King gel.

It'll be all right, love. Do you think that could be a dot-com millionaire if I invented face-bonting? You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Alan Cochran, Texas on 8-12-15. Oh, go on.

Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email us directly to the Absolute website. The Absolute blah, blah, blah. You know, websites. Mm-hmm. Oh, I know websites. I don't. We were discussing the old grooming habits that people have. Whoever's phone just went off, could you please turn it off?

Thank you. Was it mine? Someone just got an email. Not me. Did I get an email? Everyone check their phone. If anyone got an email, it was. Did I get an email? Someone just got an email. Can everyone check their phone? If anyone got an email, it was you. I'm on airplane mode, thanks. Can you all check? I'm on silent.

Can you check? I think it was me. OK. Sorry, Al. We've had an email. Good morning, Frank M and lovely Alan. Thank you. And you're talking about personal grooming.

I threaten to assist my husband with his facial grooming if he doesn't keep it under control. And more often than not, he lets me. What does that say about us? No way I would let anyone near me with tweezers. I also assist with body mole hairs. How much that must hurt. Strange man.

Wow. Yeah, that was my feeling on that. Ouch. The most coppily thing is doing the other person's blackheads. Is it the most coppily? Is it the most gross? I think it's couple-y. Just pay someone to do it. I'd prefer a glass of wine and a box set.

Well, we're all different. It's the most couple-y thing. I like the fact that... I like that Frank thinks that sums up the life of a couple. Well, I think in an otherwise honest relationship, you'll get out-and and out bare-faced lies. When you go, ah, ah, that really hurts. And they go, it's coming now.

And it isn't coming. They're just trying to keep you on the rails away. What about Dave? Woke up the other morning with my fiancé over me, tweezers in hand. It's OK. Yanking out an overgrown eyebrow. They've just tweeted that. How could she have hoped that he would have slept through that pain?

I had to go... Well, try threading. I had to go to an eyebrow the other day with just my bare hands. I just got it in between my nails. And I pulled it, pulled it, pulled it, and it slipped out the last minute and curled into a tiny, tiny... It looked ready for the Scotsman's hairdryer. That's the kind of...

That's the way it went. Anyway, maybe enough about Grimm. It's not just me that's been on holiday, though. It's starting to make me feel a bit sick. Hang on, I'm just blocking someone who's been rude about me. Old David Cameron, he's been on holiday. Oh, he got stung! He did!

Apparently got stung by a jellyfish in the water in Lanzarote. And apparently he went in there in spite of a warning, because it says in the article, expat Wendy Lambert, 59, said one of her friends had pointed out to Mr Cameron that there's loads of jellies down there. I think that's why he went in. I think he thought there was pudding in the water, didn't he? Can I tell you what I thought?

I thought this was all a bit tragic. One of the people standing on the beach said he came running out of the water in his blue swimming trunks, rubbing his arm. It sounded a bit Mr Bean, didn't it? He sounded a pathetic creature. I saw a picture of him and Sam Cam dining. And I remember the last time,

do you remember the holiday when they didn't tip the waitress? I do. And they had to go back to the cafe and tip her the next day, otherwise he'd have lost the election, I think was the theory. Oh, yeah. And I noticed on that holiday photo, and this has been, it's probably been two or three years ago, that incident, they were both wearing black.

And I thought, that's not very holiday, is it? And then they had a picture of them sitting at a table. Again, he's got shorts on, but black shorts, black shirt, she's got a black dress on. They're like sort of, like Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter, if they'd been smartened up for Sunday school. Yeah, but I noticed he did have the tan suede loafer and he'd gone foot commando, Frank.

Oh, yeah. It was sans sock. Can you imagine the amount of thought that they must put into what he has to wear? Well, she has to wear high street. I think at least one or two items have to be high street. And obviously, because they're both on holiday and they have to tip in cash now, they both wear a bum bag at all times.

Oh, yeah, that's a fact. Where else would you wear a bum bag apart from on holiday? Never even think about wearing a bum bag in this country. I'm going to wear one to the BAFTAs. They should really double up a cummerbund in the bum bag for awards. I'm going to wear one for the Radio Academy Awards

but my bum bag is going to be in the shape of the award. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. What about the corner? We haven't been down the corner This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You see what? Yeah. What about the corner?

We haven't been down the corner today. Who comes? Who comes ready? Email corner. Did I tell you I've hired a town crier for email corner? Lovely. Is that Harry Seacombe? I suppose, in a way, we all are. Yeah.

We're going to kick off with Tom. OK, Tom. Yeah. Hi, Frank. About six years ago, when I worked in Hoban, I'd walked back... Hoban, I should say, is a sort of... Is that the financial area of London? Yeah. Sort of.

A sort of business district. Borderline. Yeah. I'd walked back through the back streets, repetition of back, but that's okay. It's not just a minute, towards Charing Cross. While walking through Covent Garden, I had a phone call from a friend. While initiating the general small talk i turned to see you carrying some sort of musical instrument in a case granted

clearly you took care of it at which point i turned and said all right frank i sounded a bit adrian shells all right frank all right mate um my friend on the phone on asking who the person was i said hello to heard my response oh. Oh, it's Frank Skinner. For some reason, I retorted, yeah, we're mates. Just for fun. That so wasn't just for fun. The conversation moved on and my window of admitting the humorous lie passed by. Still to this day, when I bump into this person, they ask me how Frank is.

I tell him, fine, just busy working as usual every time. This is lovely. I love Tom, that's a brilliant lie. Lie big. The nice thing is, one thing I never had when I was a child, which I knew some children who did... Was toothpaste? No.

Well, OK, it included toothpaste, but I'm... Apart from that, I never had an imaginary friend. Oh, right. And now I am one. Oh, that's nice. It's quite an elite group. Go full circle. Because often they don't exist.

They're not people who exist. You make your friend. So I'm quite pleased with this. And can I just say to Tom tom that is a very accurate representation because i mean i've worked with you what three or four years now and when people say to me how's frank doing i say fine just busy working as usual that's exactly what that's exactly what happens tom you basically are my to be honest you've written to me which i haven't heard from lots of my real friends for many years tom's basically a better

friend than most of your actual friends yeah i'd say tom if you take my i also get like regular emails and that from some of my former colleagues at barcelona oh yeah so it's the it's it's the it's the imaginary people are you uh Ultimately, you cling to in this crazy old life we live in. Like, one might cling to a floating... seahorse-type thing at the swimming baths. Look at the hairdryer out. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

Dear Frank, the Divine Miss M and Alan Little Epiphanies Cochran Thank you for that I have a problem and I think you are the only panel that will understand me That's interesting I often write to the Gardner's Question Time panel if I've got a big personal problem

I find men often say to me, my panel doesn't understand me. Yeah. I only do that if Robbie Williams isn't available. He's my life counsellor. You have to listen to last week's, you have to understand that. We'll get repeat business from that.

Don't give me that look. The good news is we did. We've heard it. Oh, good. The show makes no attempt to deny that any mistakes are corrected, or corrected, as Alan would say. Is this person attacking me, do you think?

Is that what's happening here? I think it's warm-hearted. OK, well, let's stick with that. Especially following the Jane Eyre and Lattice Pasties debacles. Yes, oh. I, too, can't help myself. As soon as I hear someone say something wrong, I tell them what they should have said

does that make me a bad person or just an irritating one? Thanks Harriet in Nottingham Where do you stand on this? I had a thought about the lattice pasties because I try to give you the benefit of the doubt because you're rarely wrong I wonder if the pasty might have been left

on a wicker chair Do you remember the Princess Diana story? I wondered if the pasty might have been left on a wicker chair. Oh, nice. Do you remember the Princess Diana story? Yes, I do. When the newspapers reported that she had cellulite leaving her gym in shorts. And it's at a time when the royals never, ever commented on it in the press and she released a statement to say she'd been sitting on a wicker chair.

I mean, it was so marvellous. Get your priorities right, love. Never seen a pasty, of course. No. I'm sorry, but there are lattice pasties and that's that. And I've had numerous people corresponding with me via Twitter showing me photographs. Of lattice pasties?

Yeah. They cook them for you. That, all sorts. Of lattice pasties. Yeah. I've cooked them for you. That's all. Don't eat fan food. We return to that. But as for telling people when they're wrong, it's sort of, I like to. Well, let's do Descartes.

Shall we bring up the awkward subject of Descartes? Okay. When she says, does that make me a bad person or an irritating one, I think it might make a part of your bit of the Venn diagram, Frank, of just a bit of a gig. Just a bit of a gig. But you can't allow people to continue in error.

No. I find. Occasionally. All right, Stalin. Occasionally you have to be diplomatic. I mean, when we... I'll tell you what I do, Frank. So, example, let's say it was...

What have I got to tell you? Example. Part example. With Descartes. Yes. I'd say, oh yeah, Descartes, yeah. So I'd just repeat it in the correct manner. Well, I repeated it in the correct manner, as in...

Descartes! Who's that? We should say this was when Alan Cochran referred to the French philosopher Descartes as Descartes. I'd only ever read it, so I hadn't said it out loud. It's fine, I don't feel bad about it. What about when me and David Boudin interviewed Prince Nassim, who was a world champion boxer, I should say, before,

who you're correct, and he said the Sultan of Brunei had given him a watch that was embezzled with diamonds. Well, maybe he meant that. Funnily enough, we didn't correct him. So, I mean, but generally... There are people that you do correct, and then there are boxing champions. I think if one generally in life pursues the truth, I think you're all right. So, yeah, I think you might lose a few friends.

God knows I have. But other people imagine that you're alright so yeah I think you might lose a few friends God knows I have but but other people imagine that you're yeah that's it all evens out doesn't it thanks a bit like a sort of the equaliser that's how you see your role isn't it I just find it hard not to

but I also correct people about their whole world view not just minor mispronunciations. And they don't like that, I find. And you give them styling and makeover tips, I notice, a lot. Extraordinary. Yeah, but you know what? They're from the heart.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We're still in an email corner, Frank. Yes,. Absolute Radio. We're still in an email corner, Frank. Yes, I can smell it. So this is from Nick P, early 30s, Norwich. Can I go early 30s? We're not on Tinder.

Dear Team Frankamcock. OK. We're OK still, I think, aren't we? Yes. I have a vague memory of Frank recounting on Fantasy... I have a vague memory as well. ..on Fantasy Football League circa 1994. Can I say Fantasy Football League was a TV show I did?

People know that. They don't all know that. Not the young. It was 20 years ago that started. That he'd witnessed a QPR fan shout at former Norwich City player Ian Crook with the grave insult, Crook, you're a crook. Yes, can I say I remember this? And it was Nick Hancock who told that story.

OK. Yeah, and it was on that show, but I cannot take credit for it. OK. But yeah, somebody shouted, it was like, I crook! And he looked round and he went, You're a crook! It was that kind of... I was reminded of this at the very same ground this season

when I had a similar quality taunt aimed at former Watford and West Bromwich Albion star work Paul Robinson. Oi, Robinson, you should stick to the barley water. Does the panel know of any further insults? It's a bit a bit clever i like that well have you heard any good ones i wonder if robinson you should stick to the barley water is that implying like as a business model don't give up your day job or is it implying you you shouldn't be this drunk when you're playing football is it saying

he's put a twist on it i've never heard a twist on it. I've never heard those stories about Paul Robertson. I think he's clean living. All right, in that case, it's a business thing. You should stick to the barley water. A mate of mine, Jeff, who's another West Brom fan, told me he heard a guy, and this is the thing, is if you're going to shout out abuse, work it out in your mind first.

Don't start. And then work it out. So there was this guy who played for us called Darren Bradley, who was... I thought he was a really good player, but he was a big fan of the sideways pass rather than the forward pass. And this guy went, Oi, Bradley, you're about as positive as a... negative earth!

Complete gibberish. He was probably an electrician that's made the world safer with his Earth thing. But the terrible thing was that once he'd got up and made the show, everyone looked to see what was coming, you know, and then it was, oh, it was a terrible, crumbling, awful moment. I think another really rubbish incident I remember was when the BBC did a dramatisation of Martin Choslewit.

Oh, I remember it well. The Charles Dickens thing. And Gary Bushell said in his review, too much chosle, not enough wit. Oh, that's very Bushell. It'd be good if there was such a word as chosle. But as it was, it was just,

he thought, well, it's got a wit in it i'll just make it work what about when my dad frank was angry the man on the tube and the worst insult my dad could muster up was you you illiterate swine isn't that brilliant another bloke shouted as a football match i was at a bloke missed quite a bad shot and an easy chance. Yeah. And this old guy next to me said, I wouldn't have liked to have been with you on the six-inch mortars. I thought, but he's been using that for 70 years, that insult. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What about Frank's shoes? I'm sorry, we haven't discussed this on the show as friends, but I was sickened. I mean, this morning you said, oh, look at the dust on my shoes. I know, they are very, very dusty. It was like when Larry Grayson used to say, oh, the muck in here, which was one of his catchphrases, I believe.

The muck on your shoes. I know, they're just very, very very dusty they look like they've been in an old disused house for maybe four years you look like they've been in that peter weir film walkabout google it i think i did um i think i think the boys will remember that one um i um yeah i just went for a bit of a dusty walk, that's all. Are you sure? He goes for a dusty walk! Have you not worn them for, like, six years and kept them in a woodworking shed? No, no, I'm on a crypt tour of the UK.

I think we should take a picture. You and Adrian Childs for the documentary. You can take a picture. Can you take a picture for the readers? The dust, honestly. I've accidentally wiped a bit off on my trouser leg as I've sat here... It's thick.

Anyway, enough of my dusty shoes. I shall shake the dust from my shoes when I leave these studios. Indeed. For Easter. We need to talk about the Scarborough Beauty Contest. Yes, I said it, Scarborough Beauty Contest. I know. And they had a fight to which

the police were called after chants from a section of the audience were shouting fix when their favourite contestant didn't win. And apparently none of the contestants noticed that people were shouting fix because they thought people were shouting fit and that's the voice in their head all the time. Or thick.

Thick. I don't think that's quite as flattering. Because you see there was a lot of fake to hand i mean unsurprising beauty contest i actually i know this is very loves beauty contest i do i really like it not for horrible sword but i mean you can look you can argue this out politically as much as you like, but no-one's ever come up with a look better than swimsuit and high heels as a combo. It just works brilliantly. I think I prefer the trouser suit. Oh, don't try and score... I find swimsuit and high heels a bit too...

Ronnie's dressed up as a woman or something. And also, it's very carry-on film, Frank. It is, but that's what i like about it's kind of british sort of you can't take them too seriously i like i don't mean women i mean beauty you mean that as well i also like i say beauty contest i love i love that they're called pageants suggest some fabulous ceremonial don't get me wrong, I loved the Eric Morley days. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, the Halcyon days. As a family, we used to say...

Eric Morley, explain please, Frank, who Eric Morley is. Eric Morley and his wife Julia, they ran Miss World. Yeah. That's all they did, I think. They became celebrities as a result. Julia's still at it. Yeah. She's on her seventh face.

God bless her. But as a family, we would sit, we'd have a bit of pencil and a paper a bit of paper and a pencil each and we'd do our scores on all the countries i always prompt for miss venezuela when i was like you know seven right used to be a family event to judge beauty yeah and i in many ways I hate beauty. Right. I went past... There. We drove past... The pendulum has swung somewhat.

Well, I mean the concept of beauty as a... Why do you hate beauty? Well, I was going past a couple of shops in the tour, the tour truck. And there was one, it was a tanning place. A lot of that. And it said was a tanning place a lot of that and it said outside tanning nails beauty and next door but one was a boots and outside the boots it said pharmacy beauty and i thought beauty now has become a slightly naff thing that you get in a well you won't be getting this walls from the beauty cupboard then. Okay. I forgot about the

beauty cupboard. My days of the beauty cupboard are long. The last time I looked in there Mr Timness was in there. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Do you know what Rob Young has said on Twitter? No? Okay. No, he says, as a watch has a, he says, bezel, could it be embezzled with diamonds? Phonetically and accidentally, Prince Nassim might be right. Well, I didn't know a watch had a bezel. Yeah, a diving watch has got a rotating bezel often,

so you can turn it to... I love the fact that I discover after all these years that he was right, because then my restraint will be rewarded. And was that Rob Young? That was Rob Young. Wow. He's got a wise head on young shoulders there.

He used to live next door to me in Bristol Hall Road in... Rob Young? Yeah, he did. That's nice. He's staying in touch, though, isn't it? I still see him sometimes outside the album. He's never mentioned his knowledge of the watch workings. Perhaps he's a keen horologist. So what about if you take John Keats' Beauty is Truth, Truth Beauty?

Yeah. Should it not be? Just wrapping up the show here on Absolute Radio. I do. With John Keats' Beauty is Truth, Truth Beauty. Yeah. Should it not be? Just wrapping up the show here on Absolute Radio. I do. It's on Keats. Wouldn't there be an argument to have a beauty contest where it's hair scraped back, no makeup, a simple, very simple chemise? Like the no makeup selfies type movement, yeah.

Maybe made of hessian. So they're stripped right down to just a, you know, plain, very plain thing. And then you could have two rounds. You could have inner beauty and outer beauty and whoever gets the biggest total score wins. Wouldn't that be good? It sounds rather bleak, if you don't mind me saying.

Well, I think that's not it. 8, 12, 15, wouldn't that be good? There's nothing wrong with a sort of slightly baguette-y and beauty patch. I'd be happy with that. But what questions are they asked, then? This is a problem, I think. They'd ask questions like... It's inherently flawed, darling.

Do you believe that living are merely the dead on holiday? Tell me, Miss Venezuela, do you feel that life is a grotesque pattern to mine? I believe that life, whilst dark in many ways, it'd be very interesting. It would. And there'd be lovely, plain-faced, fresh-faced women. I love the existential pageant.

Yeah. I'd be bang up for that. They'd be barefoot, I think. I think I'd do well in that, if you don't mind me saying. I'd hate to be arrogant. Would you be all right with a scraped back hair and no make-up? I'd do no make for that they'd be barefoot I think I'd do well in that if you don't mind me saying I'd hate to be arrogant would you be alright with a scrape back hair and no make-up I do no make-up make-up

and no one will know no no you see what you've done yeah people try that on the world wide web and then they get called out don't they

in gossip chat poor Catherine Jenkins she's been torn to pieces you know I'm not one to gossip and yes thanks very much for listening if the good lord spares us to pieces. You know I'm not one to gossip. And yes, thanks very much for listening. If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time

next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.