The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Eye Patch

Episode Date: March 9, 2013

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Hoorah. Yeah, so we've gone traditional again. We're back to the A-team. You can text us on 8-12-15 if you have anything to say, even if you don't, really, to be honest. And you can follow us on Twitter, at Frank on Absolute.

I would say that Twitter is the natural home for the people who don't have anything to say. That would just be me. We've got to change our attitudes to the social network. Well, exactly. Do we? Yes. We have had a text in.

This is from Stuart, who says hi frank i just wanted to say that thank you for telling my joke to craig revel hallward on room 101 yes it was me who sent it to you and hearing you relay it to him really made my year i can't believe you still remembered it that is all stewart leatherland from leicester can i say that i um i i did credit this yes i don't i don't get me down as a Joe Pasquale. Oh, yeah. I said that I didn't give his name. Don't get anyone down as Joe Pasquale, in fairness. But I said to Craig Revel Horwood that someone had texted in a joke about him for the radio show.

So please, don't ever brand me as a joke thief. And it was the one about the it was about the fact that people, why doesn't he use spray tan as much as he used to? Because people don't like orange revels. It was. And so I told him, and I thought he'd be slightly delighted that he was in a joke, that he'd become part of the oral tradition. Oh.

Leave it. And he was, he said, I actually find it very offensive. I mean, it was, it was, it was, it was great. Oh. He really, yeah, he took a guinea. That's all he did. I think he'd have a hard trouble suing. Someone suggested I was orange.

Yeah. Well, I read an interview with him when he said he's only ever used spray tan once in his life. Mm. But perhaps he means it's just perpetually on. It's like a car wash entrance to his house. I think that might have been a Bill Clinton defence. What he means is he uses another form of tan. But I liked him. He was very charming.

And I met his mum after, and we talked about toilet paper for 20 minutes. Really? Oh, Aussie lady. Was she nice? Yes, it was all about whether it should be pointing out or pointing in oh yeah

out out from the wall men think out women think in oh in is that right? yeah

what adjacent to the wall? yes no oh it's tidier that way yeah because I think women they feel a need to secrete

whereas we project really? oh god anyway that's the psychological my own psychological analysis that's those are not the official thoughts of absolute radio if that's what anyone is uh thinking about so um yeah well that's good i'm glad i'm glad you enjoyed that also frank

we've had another texting from allison marsh there's a child I'm worried about because I just wanted to tell you that we love the show so much so. Sorry, praise slipped out there. So much so that my 13-year-old daughter has started coming out with Emily-isms. She tells her boyfriend and any other male they're filthy creeps. Well, it's always, I mean, you're in with a shout with any male. Yeah, and often says, says oh that's right up your strowzer oh that's great and she's perfected my tone of voice good well i'm seeing her as a sort of uh an emily in waiting because let's face it emily won't be able to go on forever i will have

to pass the mantle down yeah she could come in and shadow i'll have to pass the hillary mantle down wouldn't it be great to have uh have this this girl coming in and sort of watching you work and then gradually phase in ring well we could open it up to a wider pool and do like a sort of find me a dorothy but we could yeah hang on why are you getting rid of me actually uh i i believe craig revel hall would ask me to find him a Dorotha. Also, just a PS there, Frank, a postscript, Alison Marsh, can I make a night's move on Frank if he's ever in Leafy Reigate? I just thought I'd read that out.

You don't often get a night's move, if I'm honest. I never ever get a night's move. I don't know if I've ever been to Reigate, but I like the fact that it's leafy. Now you've reasoned. Maybe I'll go there in autumn and then I'll have but I like the fact that it's leafy. Now you've reasoned. Yeah.

Maybe I'll go there in autumn and then I'll have plenty of humus to walk upon. Is that what it's called? I believe that's what decaying vegetation, when it's become a sort of organic carpet, it's called, isn't it? Hummus. I think it's humus. Humus.

Humus. Humus. Someone will tell us because our readers know everything. But I think I'm right. I'm going to find that I've been walking on some sort of Greek dip all these years. They're very embarrassing. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, 650. Craig Revel Hallwood, thanks for the tip. Ah, yes, now this is based on that well-known trope I'm so fond of, where you say, do you know Vanessa May? No, but thanks for the tip. Do you know Victoria Wood? No, but thanks for the tip.

So that would suggest that his name is Craig Revel Whore. Yes. But, you know, I like it because he's working with it. And if you don't take out those little exploratory extra steps, you never create the new thing. Yeah, this is what I explained to the people at NASA earlier this week. I love your work with them. Yeah.

I mean, I'm only a consultant, but I think we get work done. Yeah. So, here's the thing. I was walking along... Well, actually, I was on Whitehall this week. And as you probably know, I'm leading a large protest outside Number Downing Street

about some of the political things going on in Sri Lanka at the moment. Right. I'm not. No, I didn't think you were. I don't know if there is anything going on in Sri Lanka. No, it's all calmed down now. I'm going there soon. I'll do it.

Yeah. Well, that all... No, you just like hanging out in Whitehall. You're like those Bieber fans outside the hotel. You hang outside Downing Street. Just in case, yeah. Just in case he dangles a small child over the balcony, a la Jacksonian. Actually, what about Jermaine?

Did you see that Jermaine changed his name to Jermaine Jackson? So, no, it's instead of S-O-N, it's S-U-N. Oh, has he? Because he wants to suggest that he emanates light in some way. Oh. Did you not know that? I did not know that. I thought he should have gone the whole hog and gone for

J-moon Jackson. And then covered the two major representatives of day and night. I'm mainly furious that I missed this news. I'm going to have to check my Jermaine Jackson news app. Well, if I was Jermaine Jackson's chief advisor, one of my main written-in-ink adages would be,

don't change the name Jackson. Because without that, Jermaine, we are nothing. But I think he's had a falling out with the family. It's a shame, because they seem a lovely family. Yeah, they've always gone on so well, haven't they? I think it was who owns the glove. Oh, yeah. You know, so many families torn apart by that debate.

Certainly those who take part in falconry. Yeah. So I was walking down Whitehall and a chap came up to me and he said oh i saw you the other day um and i didn't say anything but i wanted to i really wanted to come over and say something to you and i said okay okay he said i wanted to tell you this he said i think you'll you'll like this he said i was really down i felt really miserable and i said i'm sorry to hear that he said no, no, no, no, hold on. He said, so I thought I'll have a look on YouTube

and look at a bit of comedy and see if anything can turn me round. And I thought, oh, that's, you know, nice. And he said, so, he said, I saw this. He said, I clicked on and it was Eddie Izzard. He said, talking about Darth Vader. Oh, well, that's all right. Did he find any comedy there? He said, that is so wrong.

And he said, oh, man, it really, really cheered me up. It was just one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. And I thought, OK. Did he know what you did? Yeah. Did he think I was Eddie Izzard? I was wearing an elaborate ball gown. And you were in Whitehall, and Eddie loves a bit of politics.

That's true. But I was wearing my free Sri Lanka ball gown, which I wear just for the protest. No, well, I love Eddie I's on, and I love that routine, but I thought, why are you telling me this? And he said, oh, it's so brilliant. He said, I thought maybe you could expand on it a bit. No.

What do you mean? That's frowned upon, isn't it? That's frowned upon. Yeah. So it's sort of, you know the way people take up the work of a dead novelist? Yes. You know, the unfinished work. Yeah, that seems fine, doesn't it? That's frowned upon. Yeah. So it's sort of, you know the way people take up the work of a dead novelist? Yes. You know, the unfinished work. Yeah, that seems fine, doesn't it? But if I went on stage and said, you know that Eddie's art, maybe I could open the show

with that on VT and then go on and say, I'll tell you what else Eddie could have said that would have been good. So that's what I've done. Actually, that is what Arkeith does quite a lot of the time. No, but Arkeith is, at least he's developing it himself. But I mean, I'm really glad it cheered him up, but I was so certain it was going to be something of mine.

I mean, I was so certain. I was bracing. I'd adopted the polite, humility face. I would have gone Vengaboys, you see. 100%. Yeah, that's what I thought it was. There was a thousand things stashing through my head of mine that he could have seen that would have cheered him up. That was incorrect, as it

turned out. It was, yeah, so what I'm wondering is what cheers people up? Because it's quite a mechanical thing to do. I'm feeling a bit down. I'll have a look on YouTube. You like a tree, you you like a tree you've told us i do like i like i do i like to sit with my back against the tree that's one of mine yes which is quite mechanical but you know if i was doing that i wouldn't then go up to let's say a hedge and say oh i'm glad i've seen you because

i was feeling really down the other day and i was cured by, not by your species, but by a tree. Maybe you can expand into a tree and then I can sit under you. I imagine that, I think that hedge would have every cause to be offended. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about how we cheer ourselves up, I think, is basically, rather than things that randomly come to us that cheer us up, but when you actively think, I'm going to cheer myself up, I used to do it with confectionery in the old days.

I had two mainstays. I'd either go licorice all sorts or dine baths. Is this post-booze? Because a lot of post-booze people go for sugar, don't they? Well, obviously when I drank... It was a replacing of the sugar. Obviously, that's it. I cheered myself up the whole time. I had a number I used to call quite often

if I needed cheering up. Lovely. But I... Now I'm frightened of becoming one of those people who can't get off the toilet. They're so fat. We spoke recently, I think, about how obesity isn't what it was. It used to be about fun, and now it's about being trapped.

Trapped in a mountain of flesh. It's about being on Channel 5, essentially. So I don't do those anymore, sadly. Frank, I have a little ritual to cheer myself up. Didn't he do a Wop-Bop-A-Loo-Bop-A-Lop-Bom-Boo? I'll tell you what I do. It's three stages. Firstly, because I love being warm, I don't like the cold,

so I put my pyjamas in the tumble dryer for about seven or eight minutes to make them really toasty and warm. Oh, that's all right, yeah. I put them on. It's funny I knew how to work the tumble dryer, even seven or eight minutes to make them really toasty and warm oh that's all right yeah i put them on funny i knew how to work the tumble dryer even if we had one then frank i make myself a little hot chocolate love that then i put on one of my favorite programs don't tell the bride oh i love that show and the schadenfreude and it cheers me up because my favorite thing is when the girl you know the man picks the dress for the girl i don't i don't know the show oh guys you've got to see it the man picks he does the whole wedding he does the whole wedding for the girl whoa and then he always he

always gets the dress completely wrong and she tries it on and she goes i hate it i hate it he doesn't know me at all. There's this horrible scene. Oh, please watch it, because I think Kath's a fan of Don't Tell the Bride. Yeah, it wouldn't surprise me. Kath likes all rubbish television. No, this is good. No, but I mean, you know, when I say rubbish television, it's more of a genre than a value judgment. But yeah, that's my little ritual thing. I think it's actually listed on Sky anytime

as rubbish television. No! All that stuff, yeah. What does the cockerel do? I have various techniques, but one of them, and this sounds contrary, but one of them is my general fatalism because obviously at any point I think things could be worse, and that's quite a cheering thought in its own way.

My wife worries about my fatalism, but I think it's actually a companion that helps you see the bright side of things. It genuinely does. I hadn't thought of that. Some people, of course, they console themselves with the misery of others by saying, you know, well, look at those poor people who are blah i've always thought that's a bit wrong isn't it well i have a version of that but it's not like that like for instance the last few weeks i've been stuck on the motorway late at night and it's

delayed my journey home and i've seen the guys doing the roadworks at two in the morning and i've had a little look out and thought it's tempting to be moody because this is delaying my journey by an hour but I'm in a nice warm car with a full belly because I've ordered room service and then I've done a gig I'm not digging up the road on the m6 this is brilliant see I look at them and think you see I never get free high v's because I think they're allowed to take that high viz home and wear it oh they're definitely keeping for riding their bikes exactly for the cyclists it's a boon and all free but i have another one so i think they're better off than i am i have another one that's not quite so mean spirited i try and do it to somebody who sort of thinks that they're above me in the food chain

so like i'll see a boorish businessman at Euston Station on the phone coming out of TM Lewin where he's bought his fourth... I wish you could see the cop's face when he's telling me this. He's in full fifth gear grimace. And I'll see him, and he probably thinks his life's amazing and that it's better than mine, and I'll see him and think, at least I'm not that guy.

That's my thing. I try and think, at least I'm not that guy that's my thing i try and think at least i'm not that guy so you use contempt for other people yeah yeah absolutely i'm starting to think all sorts wasn't wasn't so bad as a choice absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio yes so that was uh we talked about cheering up. No one's texted us about how they cheer themselves up. But that's all right. I sometimes think people cheer themselves up by...

It might not be fit for broadcast. No, exactly. Knowing our listeners. I tell you what has cheered me up is I've now reached the level where I've got enough socks and pants that I don't have to think this is going to have to be a two-dayer. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I bought some extra pants,

and I've done a couple of TV series which always ops my socks content. Do they buy you socks, do they? Well, you get socks to wear on stage, and I never give them back. I always think, you don't want to wash socks, do you? And free socks is like one of the great joys of life. Oh.

I've also discovered... Remember I used to wear Calvin Classics, which is the cheap version of Calvin Classics? I'll never forget. I've now discovered a new type of very cheap pant called Authentic Underwear. Anything with authentic in the name. I know, it's a particularly fine title.

And it suggests that the others are some sort of phonies. Where did you get the authentic underwear? Is it a market purchase? I think this was a Primark. I've got to be straight with you. Are they a boxer? A boxer brief? Yeah, they're a boxer.

And at the moment, after three washes, the elastic is still connected to the rest of the material. I find what happens is i'm pulling them up and um basically my waistband becomes a boob tube because it just separates from the from the pattern so that makes me happy that i think oh i've got some like for example the washing machine broke last week so the cleaner couldn't do the washing i've got enough socks and pants i could i couldn't do two weeks. I'm just glad you're adding to Buzz's inheritance. Yeah, well, he will. He'll never want the pants.

I have got pants from the 80s. Honestly. I remember seeing a thing about Elvis once, and they said, they were talking about the women he used to go out with in his early days, and one of them, Lamar Fykes, said, hell, I got underwear older than her. And he meant it.

And yeah, so that's how it goes. So that cheers me up. I think we should probably talk about the big story of the week now, shouldn't we? That little lovely... Are you talking about Justin Diva? I am. As they're calling him. Little lovely cute... Are they calling him Diva? Justin Diva? I am. As they're calling him. Little lovely

cute... Are they calling him Diva? Justin Diva they call him. Oh, I don't think that's... He's been like... He's had a right week. He's been like three big news stories this week. I suppose that's his job to publicise himself. Well, we should remark... So the first one, he turned up, was it two hours late?

Two hours late. Yeah. At a concert attended by people after the age of nine. Yeah. I have to say, I'm playing devil's advocate. Are you? What, Darker's hair has been dropped? That's a shame, because I'm a big fan of his. Yeah.

What, see you! Apparently Bieber and his people say that he wasn't two hours late, he was about 40 minutes late, and even that he should apologise for, and he has. But, you know, he's saying it wasn't two hours. It all feels like more once it's past your bedtime though, doesn't it? So those people that are at that game

We have to say, there was talk of him having a tantrum and playing video games and unfortunately for him he did tweet when he was meant to be on stage, didn't he? About half nine, ten o'clock, which his management then deleted. Oh, really? And I have the tweet here in my hand.

Tell us, tell us. Would council like to hear it? Yes. He did. He posted a tweet at 9.30 saying, me and Scooter Braun have been going under the rafters and grabbing people's lets. He meant legs.

I think he also meant Scooter Braun and I. And seeing them freak out. Ha-ha, prankster on the loose. Prankster on the loose. So he was there. That was at quarter to ten. He was just underneath the seating area. Having hijinks.

I mean, in a way, it's surprising that hijinks hasn't affected a teenager's career before, really, isn't it? Yeah. I'm a big believer, but I didn't expect hijinks. Well, I find the whole thing unbebeable. It's absolutely unbebeable. Do you think when he reads the tabloid headlines

about himself, he goes, oh, I don't believe it. Again and again. I think they're read to him. I think he sits cross-legged on the floor, he gets the tabloid headlines as a warm-up and then it's straight into Stig of the Dump. Bieber in the morning, Bieber in the night,

you give me Bieber. He cited, Bieber cited his reason for being late. Well, he didn't cite this. An aide said that apparently he wanted to have a shower. That was one of the reasons. There was a lot of speculation good thing around even if he was showering yeah but 40 minutes what kind of a shower is that two hours i heard or two hours and one fan who had paid to meet him said she asked for a hug and he said i don't have time he's a busy man i like the idea

i'd want to uh i'd want to know more about that fan before I condemn him. Yeah, it's like when that guy asked Frank to sign his arm and Frank didn't look that keen. No. No. Well, sometimes a hug is, you know, it's a big step. Yeah. Not for me, it's not.

Frank, people are saying he's only 19, though, but that's old now. Well, it's not old, is it? It is. Bill but that's old now well it's not old is this bill gates found a microsoft when he was 19 there's no excuse 19 yeah he did he's an adult he was going to meetings with lawyers with briefcases yeah but he probably didn't have 35 000 like teenage girls worldwide screaming at him everywhere he went. He wouldn't have got quite so much computer work done then, would he? Yeah, but I don't know. I like absolutely manufactured pop stars. Do you? Yeah, I think with pop music, because it doesn't matter, it means you might as well get exactly what you want.

I really want computer-generated. That would be nice. I want someone like, do you remember Anna Nova? Yes, I do remember Anna Nova. Anna Nova was like a computer-generated. That would be nice. I want someone like, do you remember Anna Nova? Yes, I do remember Anna Nova. Anna Nova was like a computer-generated newsreader that used to be on the early days of the internet. She was very up your straws, I think. She was, yeah.

And I think you should be able to, you know, tweak a bit. No, I meant the way they look. And, you know, or Max Headroom. So you can just, because do we need to involve human beings in pop music at all? We've got auto-tune and all that. And the trouble is, if you have too much reality in a musical thing, you end up with Lemmy. Yeah.

I'd rather have Bieber. Yeah. I also like the fact that he's obviously the most terrible brat. Because he's entitled to be. You know, it's a hard thing to be, to be a child star like that. Can I just say, if my niece Mimi is listening, we know not what we do or say. I apologise. She went to the concert.

She loves him. Well, the woman who teaches my baby to swim, Margaret, I was in... It's me and four mums and our babies in the water. And she was saying that she'd gone to see Bieber the night he fainted. You know, he fainted. Oh, yeah. As you know, I don't believe there's any such thing as fainting. No.

I think what it is is a decision to fall over. Frank, your spokesman said Justin got quite light of breath. Yeah. Which sounded like Wordsworth. I quite... Is that his spokesman said justin got quite light of breath yeah which sounded like wordsworth i quite this spokesman yeah he um and she uh she said that her daughter had said that as he staggered off stage he fell into the arms of someone in the wings which i so marvelous oh but there was part of me even though i despise him i thought i wish that had been me because he's lovely isn't he he wears authentic underwear i hear yeah does he really well i've seen his underwear because he texted a picture of himself from hospital in which he'd managed to construct he meant to you there's a picture to prove he was in hospital and And you know the gown, the normal surgical gown? He'd sort of pulled that down to his waist

so you could see his white pants. He is such a minx. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. My love returned. Hello again. Hi. I'll tell you one thing about this proposition that we just had,

that Bieber wears authentic underwear. I think, you know, his most recent... He's been in three big news stories this week, and yesterday's was his altercation with a pap. Yeah. He started running at him, trying to kick off a little fight. But in the teenage way, he had his jogging pants right down below his underwear,

right below his bum. Below his authentics. Now, I know he's only a teenager and that's how they wear them, but surely they pull them up for a fight. Surely you would want... I don't know, I think they spring out of them for a fight like a cat out of a small container. See, I think if I was him in that van before he ran out and lunged at the pap, I think

I would think, right, the first thing I'm going to do is jump to my feet and then pull my trousers up and then I'm going to go for him because I don't want to, I don't want that he's falling down in the middle of an altercation. It's a different, it's an age gap thing, isn't it? It's an age gap. If I had four minders, I'd be lunging at people all the time. Yeah, exactly. And they'd hold me back and I'd lunge again and they'd hold me back, I'd be lunging at people all the time. Exactly. And they'd hold me back, and I'd lunge again, and they'd hold me back, and I'd say, you just stick yourself lucky that my people aren't here.

I mean, really, he's the boss of those minders, isn't he? He could say, I now command you. He ran out of that people carrier. What do you see? What do you see? Is that what he said? Yeah. Yeah, it's really good. There was some category C swear words used, inevitably, that I'm afraid we can't...

You see, that's wrong, because, you know, he's got very young fans. He needs to remember that. Do you think? He does. Although he's very, very beautiful, I think, you know, it's what's inside that counts. He's got some growing up to do, that's what I'm saying. Yeah.

Newsflash, everyone is beautiful when you're 19. It's all downhill from there. No, that's not true. Bill Gates was. Oh, no. You were in my class. I must get them up on Friends Reunited. I'll prove that wrong.

Well, you're a big fan still of Friends Reunited, aren't you, Frank? I've actually put money into it recently. I've actually put money into it recently. In fact, I've basically split my life savings between that and MySpace. I like to think, you know, you've got to get in early on these trends. That's the way I see it. Frank?

Yes? Well, we've had a missive in from Barry, and this is... From the person or from the island? Oh, no, good question. No, man, it's an island. This is from a character named Barry. And this is... From a person or from the island of Barry? Oh, no, good question. No, a man is an island. This is from a character named Barry. Okay.

He's from Benfleet. He says... Oh, I know Benfleet well. Do you? Yes, I do. Isn't he on GMTV? No, it's a sort of Essex-y, not far from Southend-y kind of... He was in that brown leather coat I wear sometimes.

Yes. I got that from a shop that sort of sells off nice clothes cheaply. That was in Benflick. Probably not there anymore. I love that story. It is. It's one of the greats. I'm putting it right up there with Gawain and the Green Knight.

This is an... I don't know if we have time for this, Frank. Perhaps we don't, because... What I will say is it involves a cockerel sighting oh well then we'll definitely come back to this because I'd walk a million miles for a cockerel sighting This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215. We'd love to hear from you. Otherwise, it just feels like we're talking to black foam hanging in front of our faces. And you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute for the Twitterati. You may remember earlier. I say, for the Twitterati. Eh? You may remember earlier.

I say, for the Twitterati. Don't think I'm... I love it when you get contemporary. You may remember earlier, Frank, I trailed a cockerel sighting. This is from Barry. Barry Dingwall, specifically. Barry Dingwall.

Barry Dingwall. It was not one of the Dingwalls. OK. I met one of the Dingles in the 90s I remember the fullest beard I've ever seen in my life he was like a cartoon he was like Bluto

oh he's like the older fella what a beard that was there was no giving it I was in bed this week watching Sky TV when out of the corner is Barry, not me when out of the corner of my eye I spotted something that made me grab the remote

and quickly rewind to double check that I'd seen what I thought I had it was an episode of Not Going Out and the cockerel was collecting glasses and had to give a funny look to Lee Mack the quality of acting was a joy to behold and I can only assume that when casting Miranda,

the relevant people hadn't seen this fine example of a craftsman in action. Surely it's on the show reel. Sammy, this was probably the highlight of my week. Which says a lot more about me than anything else. If Alan is ever in the South East, he can feel free to look me up

as Basildon has several £1 slash 99p stores which contain bargains galore. My natural preference for a look up would normally be Emily. Well, that's harsh, isn't it? Barry from Benfleet. Do you mean it's harsh inferring that I would only go there because of the £1.99 pen stores? I feel like I'm getting a reputation. Yes. I wish I'd seen Cockrell collecting the glasses, Frank.

Yes, I never saw that episode. Where was it? It is a fact. I'd like to see your funny look at that. Well, what happened was I was doing the warm-up on that very project. And the proper actor didn't turn up. Is that where this story's going? No, no.

Lee Mack said to me, I need somebody to do, like, a little double take and I don't trust a normal extra. No. Or an actor. Yeah. And so I did the warm-up and played a role in the show.

You broke through the fourth wall. I had to say to the audience, forgive me now, I'm going to have to go off and be in this scene and then I'll be back with you. Did you put a costume on for it? Well I wore for the warm up trousers and a shirt like the barman would be wearing and I'm

really glad that it has been appreciated because I think it's been sadly overlooked by many awards panels since I was also a chauffeur in the series that We Are Clang did. You know, Steve who filled my boots last week. Oh yeah. He shouldn't have done that.

It's your own fault for leaving them in that corner of the store room. We warned him no good would come of it. So my television acting CV goes sort of Barman, Chauffeur and Jason the Asthmatic, which we all remember. Oh, my romantic history as well.

So where to, Quo Vadis? Where to now with the acting career? I think it's straight to Hollywood with that CV, isn't it? Surely. What, poor Hollywood from the Great British Bake Off? Yeah, something like that. It's good, though. It's nice.

I never get any little acting cameos. Oh, you were cruelly overlooked by the Doctor Who people, weren't you? I wasn't overlooked. I was rebuffed. I think you would have had a chance in Merlin, and now it's been cancelled. Yes. Sorry about that.

Isn't that the story of my life? No. No? It isn't the story of my life as being in the right place at the right time. So I'm not complaining. I haven't given up totally. Especially with Facebook and Friends Reunited. My deal

with the Who people, I think, is that if I get a part, I won't tell anyone. The Who people? Yeah. Stop calling them that. People think it's Roger Daltrey. It's weird. It's really misleading The World Health Organisation I promised if I cleaned out his trout farm

I'd get a place in the programme Has he still got a trout farm? No, but I tell you what, he's still got a good old torso on him A man of that age Well he does a lot of country walking I would Has he been doing a lot of sit-ups or something? Is that his thing?

No, he's always had a good torso. Yeah, because he takes his shirt off on stage, so you have obligations. Oh, like the Cliff Richard calendar. Obligations. See, I'm often thinking if I'd done more topless work, it would have given an incentive for me to look after myself better. Yeah, definitely.

It definitely incentivises a few crushes. As it is, if we look at my torso now, I took my shirt off in front of a makeup woman and a wardrobe lady the other day. Oh, yeah. Always have two in the room, Frank. Yeah, they were both. Always two.

Always have two. Always two. You just never know, Frank. Don't worry, I've looked and learned the last six months. But I look like, my torso now,

I look like I'm made from brie. I've got that grey, clammy, slightly creased. I look like I'm made from brie. I've got that grey, clammy, slightly creased... I look like parts of me are falling. I look like my body is mid-avalanche. I know you're saying this is a bad thing, but all that's happening is it's making me a bit hungry. I haven't had brie for ages.

Oh, I thought you meant hungry for... No, no, no. Two in the room. Two in the room, that in the room. Minimum. Two in the room. That was actually my motto on tour. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a text in, 321. He says... Was that your countdown to your reading? Was that supposed to create tension? No, I was just channelling Ted Rogers You need to give it a bit more

Not just 3-2-1 Imagine if Houston were like that 5-4-3-2-1 blast Oh, well, I wasn't even ready Daltrey Torso Not as good as the bosses Daltrey Torso sounds like a Leicestershire village I live in the small hamlet

of Daltrey Torso he is one fit old man who boss? Springsteen does he mean this is what 321 says not on about his boss no

he's not one of the best, though. There are some good ones out there. I think yours is pretty fine. I'm basing it on Vengaboys. Cliff Richard's. Cliff Richard, now you're talking. Cliff Richard's a middle-aged torso girl. I mean, I know middle ages.

What a calendar for a man of his age. I know, I've got it on my wall. I should hope so. I have. I know you do. That'll be worth a fortune at some point um i think well i have to say um in the uh the doctor who and the silurians john pertwee ends up wearing a white t-shirt for a lot of the show because he's been doing some medical experiments oh yeah and he looks brilliant i mean who'd have thought pertwee was a was a guy's ripped you can see where he gets

his name from um and he looks great i'm very admiring of uh of pertwee um it's a wreck and also i think i watched some um Fish Called Wonder the other night. Now, where do you stand on John Cleese's torso? Well, in that, I think it's amazing. No. Oh. It looks too much to me. Like, oh, my God, I'd better go to the gym.

I've got a film role coming up. I can always tell. They look too new, the pecs. They don't sit well with them. No, I respect you. One thing about my pecs, they don't look too new. I don't like box-fresh pecs. Oh, I admire him for that.

And has a woman ever looked more amazing on screen than Jamie Lee Curtis does in that film? I didn't know you were such a big fan of JLCs. Oh, she's always been. She's always been my dream girl. Frank, we've had another text in, 546. We were at the recording of Not Going Out

That Cocker Leaky was in He was hilarious on and off camera Just saying the warm up he did was great Oh that's nice I know it's a bit crazy No I don't mind praise for the Cocker Because I sometimes think the Cocker is too down on himself I think if you've never seen the Cocker live

If you just listen to him You might think he was awful. No, but you always, you put yourself down, you say, you know, tickets still available and all that. Oh, it's tongue in cheek, I think. Yeah, but you know, people... And that's all for a cockerel to do. There's enough people slagging you off without you

joining in. Yeah, well, that's the internet for you. No, I just meant dressing rooms. Frank, we've had a text in 740. The word is detritus or detritus. One of my favourites. That's from Brett Garner, Alton, Hampshire.

What the word? It's confusing, really, isn't it? Because it doesn't explain what word is referring to. I wonder if it's a reference To the leaves Remember I was on about humus And I'm convinced it's humus

But Frank could you give us a steer He says detritus I can give you a steer but He says detritus I'm going to have to go back to my Is it detritus or detritus It's definitely detritus Well I had going to have to go back to that. Is it Detritus or Detritus? It's definitely Detritus. Well, I had an ex-boyfriend once.

Might want to buckle up, everyone. Yep. For my ex-boyfriend stories. I'm already settled. And I'd been to his house. We were sort of dating each other. You said you had an ex-boyfriend or you had a boyfriend. No.

No, he was my boyfriend at the time. Okay. Well, was he? It was about day three and i went to the um it's always tricky isn't it pre-conjugal oh okay day three was pre-conjugal how dare you okay um okay and so i went to the place the apartment yeah and i thought there was some wine glasses there yeah that's always good. Excellent. No, but I get a bit forensic about these things, too.

I thought that was a bit odd. Date three, who was there last night? Two wine glasses. No, I thought they were in waiting for you. Oh, no, they were used, my friend. Oh. And then I also noticed a cigarette in the ashtray. He didn't smoke.

I thought, who is that? Seemed like the behaviour of a drunken girl. How nostalgic that was, a cigarette in the ashtray. It was very 90s thing to see in a house, inside a house. I imagine he had one of those white fur rugs that you used to get, the long fur. And I stared at those wine glasses for some time. Was there any lipstick traces? I didn't get that far. Okay. But guess what he

said? He dismissed it with a hand and he said, last night's detritus. Oh. I didn't like that. No, not detritus. I'm not happy about that. That wasn't what I objected to. Yeah, I don't mind his philandering. It's his pronunciation I don't like. That's a

deal breaker, isn't it? If somebody mispronounces a word. It was for me. Maybe it's an alternative pronunciation of detritus. I don't know, but I'm not, I don't, I don't think it is. It's not going to be an easy texting, is it? Because people are going to be texting in, it's just the word, isn't it? No, the letter, I don't know. So and so pronounces it.

I don't know if there's a phonetics alphabet on your average smartphone. Anyway. We've had another cockerel spot. Anyway, it's hummus. I'm sure that's what you walk on when it's bits of old branch and leaf. Lovely spongy. Hummus. Spongy feeling. Hummus. Frank 044, hello F-A-N-E.

Further on the Alan spotting theme, I always wanted a QI recording and the warm-up comedian was one Alan Cochran. He worked the crowd with ease and aplomb, crucially making everyone laugh. That is all. Ease and aplomb. That is not all. I mean, I was, at one stage in my career, king of the TV warm-ups.

I did loads of it. But I have never warmed up QI. I've never set foot in the QI studio ever. Oh, my God, that's most awkward. I suspect what's happened here is this person's been to two recordings and flipped them. So he might have seen one thing that I did do and he's just

crossed them over in his mind. I imagine that... Or she. Dr Jonathan Miller warms up for QI. I don't know who does that actually. But I haven't done it, I promise. I promise you. No, it's all right. Maybe it was a Have I Got News For You or something like that.

I've done that. You don't have a look-alike working, do you? Yeah, Chris Marshall from my family. That guy does such a wonderful job. No, he had a spot above that, didn't he? It's the guy that plays Drools Hartman in The Killing. He does loads of warm-ups now for me. Frank doesn't watch box sets, I told you.

You can't talk about box sets. He does, he likes Carnival, I've got. I like Carnival, but that's the only one I've ever liked. And that is the bleakest, most dark, religious imagery, freak show of a thing you've ever seen in your life. What about Broken Bird? That's quite bleak. Broken Bird, it wasn't for me. But if anyone...

Carnival with an E on the end, I'd really recommend that. That's a brilliant thing. Although you'll never sleep again. But, you know, we waste too much time sleeping. I've always thought that. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. It's frankly all about the cockerel this morning.

I don't know, I come back and I feel like everyone's talking about me. At least I'm here, I suppose. I remember Bernard Matthews offered that to me as a piece of business advice. It's all about the cockerel. And many people don't even call me cockerel anymore. I seem to be getting called cockaleaky still on text messages. Well, maybe this heavy Cockerel... Usage.

Yeah, we'll put you back on the right road. We've had an email in about the Cockerel. It'll put you back in the barnyard and take you out of the tureen. I say about the Cockerel, he's mentioned in Dispatches. Hi, Frank. Please ask Alan to tell you about his gig in the non-metaphorical Skipton Cattle Market and the strange screams we all heard

echoing around the building during his set. It was one of the best nights out we've had for ages. It's quiet around here. Despite the faint smell of... And then he uses a Category C swear word to describe human waste. We can imagine. Or animal waste, I'm sorry. It's animal, yeah.

And distracting sounds of zombie children. I'm one of your podcast readers and listen religiously every week in the workshop. It keeps us almost saying... Hold it, in the workshop? I don't know. I don't want to investigate too thoroughly. I might be a carpenter. I'm imagining... I'm guessing that he makes

griffins out of... You know the griffin, the mythical beast? I think he makes models of those out of sheet metal. Well, hold your high horses because he goes on to elaborate. He also says, is an atheist allowed to do anything religiously? Discuss.

Keep up the good work. P.S. If the delightfully divine Miss M should ever feel the need for a night out at an actual cattle market, tell her to wait a minute, think again, it should pass. He could give you a stare. Oh, lovely. Very good. However, if you are in need of fine handmade bespoke furniture in the Yorkshire area, feel free to get in touch.

Oh. Excellent. Well, I'm always in the market for a tall boy. Well, that certainly explains the workshop reference, doesn't it? That's the reveal there. Oh, so it's a furniture workshop. Oh, I can smell the glue. So what'll go on, Carl Kroll?

I can see the insertion of the doweling in my mind. I like this emailer because he's uh he's covered several areas the his reference to the non-metaphorical skipton cattle market he's right i've done many gigs in my in nightclubs that then become metaphorical meat markets you know like lads would say oh it's a meat market yeah let's get in there we'll definitely trap off or whatever you know those sort of lads you know those sort of lads. Trap off? You know, those sort of lads, yeah. Well, this was an actual cattle market.

It's a cattle market. The lady that showed us around showed us backstage where the pens are. I mean, it's amazing, but it's got a wooden roof. It's an anomaly as a building. So it started to be used for theatre productions by Barry Rutter's Northern Broadsides, who, in a coincidence, I worked for many, many years ago. What kind of parts did that throw up?

I played Barman, Chauffeur and Jason the Asmati. No, you did not. Do you play those? Are they on a loop, those three roles? Yeah, that's all I've got. No, I did some minor roles for them, but it was a really good, fun production. And, yeah, I performed at the cattle market, but then I did stand-up there last weekend. And it is true, it does smell. It smells of cow dung. Yes, I went, I saw the rolling stones at Bingley Hall.

Oh, really? It was that tour when you used to have an enormous inflatable... Who did? A pen d'or she used to sit on, Mick Jagger. Oh, right. And Bradford, Bingley Hall, Stafford, always smelt of cow droppings. I say droppings.

It's more like an abseil from a cow. And I also like this chap for saying it's one of the best nights out we've had for Urges. Brackets, it's quiet round here. Yeah. In that even my fans have a self-deprecating sense of humor i think he's yes i think he's sincere but it's one of the best nights out but then i think he's he's pulling your leg but it was good fun and also had one of

the strangest uh dressing rooms i've ever been allocated in my career well hold that hold that because i i like a dressing room-based teaser. That's what I'm worried about. Always two. Yeah, exactly. I always like a teaser in the dressing room just to get me ready.

Some call them a fluffer. I call them a teaser. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Eddie has texted in and he's cleared up a little matter for us. Hi, Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. You are correct, Frank. Humus is the term used for vegetation that has broken down to a point where it has reached stability and will not break down any further. Not to be confused with hummus, which tastes the same. That is all, Ed. with hummus, which tastes the same. That is all, Ed.

I like the idea that maybe in human psychology one could break down to a point where one stabilises and couldn't break down any further. Let's hope that's true. Sorry, can I just... 553... That's my secret message for Kerry Katona. 553.

Wow, Frank, I also saw the stones at Stafford Bingley Hall. My husband Mick was on security and offered Mick Jagger a pork pie. I sat next to Bianca Jagger. Oh, I wonder how that went, the pork pie offer. Yeah. You can't see Mick with a pork pie, can you? No.

I imagine... Although if he did have it, I think he'd pop the whole thing in at once. Because of his enormous lips and mouth. He's so snake. That's what I'm saying. You say that but i imagine he lives on plankton he's got he's got that kind of mouth he's so snake hip though i

can't imagine i think he's no carbs by mouth he's i mean but even if you allow for no carbs he's he's like he's but the bones of his hips are so narrow i don't know he keeps up a trouser So narrow. I don't know if he keeps up a trouser. It's beyond me. He must have some kind of system. Braces, maybe. I suppose he must have... So, yeah, I'd like to get to the bottom of Skipton Cattle Market, but who wouldn't? Me too.

He'd have to do a lot of digging, I'd imagine. Well, the lady shows quite often in the in the world of comedy as you know you're shown especially in pub gig circuit land you're shown to what is essentially a broom cupboard or or the bit where chefs hang out and it has that smell you know that smell i seem to remember boris becker using this story but this one the lady said I'll show you to the green room, took us up the stairs and put us in the boardroom, which itself was bigger than many gigs I have performed in, and had a table that I would guess

would comfortably have seated 28 people. Oh, lovely. It was just you, was it? It was me and my support act, Mike. But the biggest table I've ever seen in my life was in this boardroom. Oh, yeah, that's because you didn't watch Merlin. You're right, I didn't.

And I'm guessing there were framed photographs of, like, Hereford Bulls. Exactly. And let me predict this. They weren't in wooden frames. They were in clip frames. You know, those metal clip frames. I think they were, she.

And someone shaking hands with the mayor of Skipton. There'll be a mayor, definitely. There are a lot of pictures of men in tweedy-type jackets next to animals that could have been taken at any point in the last 300 years because those men are still wearing the same clothes. There'll be one celebrity visit photo of a Hereford bull with a rosette standing next to, let's say, Gabby Roslin. Yeah.

I've never spotted that, but it might be in the next boardroom. Disgraced MP Keith Vaz, I'm going for. Oh, OK. Yeah. Is he disgraced? No, I only say that because I saw a picture of him once at Forestmere Health Club on the wall. If people had bets on who would be referred to on this show today,

disgraced MP Keith Bass, you'd have got good odds. Good odds. That would have been worth going for. Well, I was in a green room this week. I had an interesting conversation with TV legend Richard Madeley. Oh, I like him. Absolute, Absolute

Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were about to tell us about Richard Madeley. Yes, so Richard Madeley came up to me in the green room at Graham Norton's Comic Relief Big Chat show this week. Did the green room have an enormous table, or was it just enormous? No, it had a lot of celebrities in it. Oh, really?

In a line. Almost the opposite of the Green Room I performed in, I had last Saturday. No celebrities in a huge table. It looked bigger because Ronnie Corbett was sitting at it. Oh. God, I've done a Ronnie Corbett size joke. That's brilliant. In a minute, I'll do one about British Rail Sandwiches.

You know when I last saw him was when I watched the England game with him at Buckingham Palace anyway as you were boom that's a true story good work

so Richard tell us about Richard Maidley and he's clutching a pair of boxer shorts oh god and not mine authentic

no no they were like stripy ones and he said he came up and said hi Frank and all that and he's actually a really nice bloke stripy ones. And he said, he came up and said, hi, Frank, and all that. And he's actually a really nice bloke, Richard Madeley. I've got a big soft spot for Richard Madeley.

And he said, is it at Skipton Cattle Market? He said, I've had to just borrow these off someone because I'm going to wear a dress as a joke thing, he said. And the thing is, he said, I don't know if I've ever told you this, he said, I haven't worn underwear for years. He said, I just find... He did not. I just find it...

He's a commando guy. Exactly. And he said, I just... Of course he is, it makes sense now, doesn't it? He said, I just like the freedom thing, you know. And I thought, well, you know, when I hear people talk about the freedom thing, I imagine it's going to be people in khakis

in the middle of a jungle waving an armour like, you know the freedom thing, I imagine it's going to be people in khakis in the middle of a jungle waving an armour like, you know, freedom fighters. That's a high price to pay for your freedom. I don't want to pay that price. It's a high price because I find that to change your trousers every day situation. And I can't, from a dry cleaning point of view, I will not tolerate that. You just want to change the lining. That's what it's about.

What if he doesn't? What if he doesn't change those trousers every day? Well, surely he does. He'd have a crotch like a tortoise's carapace. All I can say is my heart goes out to Judy. And anyway, he said to me, he said, you're looking well, Frank. He said, how old are you? And I told him. Oh, God, is he hitting on you? No, no Frank. He said, how old are you? And I told him.

Oh, God, is he hitting on you? No, no. I don't wear underpants. But you're looking well. We're more or less exactly the same age, Richard Madeley and I. And I said, you know, you look better than me. He said, no, no, no. He said, the secret, he said, is keep thin and don't go bald.

Wow. And I thought, that's all right. Get away with murder if you've... When I say get away with murder, I don't go bald. Wow. And I thought, it's all right. Get away with murder if you've... When I say get away with murder, I don't mean... I'm not thinking of any current news stories involving people who are... Right. So anyway, yeah.

I thought that's... I said the trouble is the cruel fact about that is the going bald thing you sort of stop with. You can work at the keeping thing. Well, you can work at the going bald. Have you seen Wayne Rooney's transplant? Oh, yeah. Yeah. And we just agreed that we were blessed.

Well, that's nice, isn't it? Is this continuing the theme of what cheers us up? You and Mitch had made the just going, well, lucky aren't we? We've looked out on the follicles department. I'll tell you something, and I did some bridge mending with example. Do you remember the last time I met example?

I do remember, it was awkward with example. I said I love that single of yours and it was a different example. And it was a bad example. If it's work. And here I would say it's a very good example. Is it really, again I'm saying they're all nice, but believe me

they aren't all nice people. But I'll, you know, Richard Madeley and Example are good examples of celebrity types. And I met his fiancée, the former Miss Australia. Oh. Basically, yeah. We talked about the fact that he wasn't wearing engagement rings. I thought you were calling him Examples like a nana would. Examples.

Yeah. I thought you were calling him examples like a nana would. Examples? Yeah, and we talked about the whole notion of why men don't wear engagement rings, you know, this thing. Oh, yeah. And in America, you can get a thing called a men-gagement ring. Oh. I like the idea. Yeah. I'm always happy for an excuse to have diamonds upon me.

Are you? So untrue. You're really bling. I you? So untrue. You're really bling. I've noted that about you. Yeah, I'm saying anything now. That's the great thing about radio. Sometimes you can just sit back, let the mouth go off on its own

and see how it gets on. It's like your child's first day at school. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. And you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. On the web.

Yeah, so it was World Book Day this week, which seems to me a good thing. Yeah. I like World Book Day. We like books, don't we? We should say one of the... It's pro books. You have to turn up.

The children turn up dressed as a character, don't they? A famous literary character. Let me tell you something about that. Okay. I passed a crocodile this week. Sorry, I'm a bit Qatari. I'm not a Qatari. No.

Looking forward to the World Cup in 46 degrees. Lovely. Can I just say lovely VIP lounge in that airport? Qatari Airport. I've never been to Qatari Airport. They put out all the stops. Do they? What, there's an organ? Anyway, that's always

missing, I think, in an airport lounge. I'd love a little bit, I'd love a fugue. Just when you're waiting for your next flight. I'd love a fugue. That's what cheers you up, innit? Anyway, I followed, I didn't follow,

I passed a, to make that absolutely clear, I didn't follow a crocodile of children. I passed a crocodile, you know what I mean by a crocodile of children when they all walk handy hands? I'm really glad, I've been wondering what you meant when you said I passed a crocodile again and again. Yeah, I was, yeah, I was on the Zambezi.

Now, and I passed them, and they were on, I was on the Zambezi. And I passed them. And they were off to the South Bank, I'm assuming as part of that. It was World Book Day. And I would say there was 20 of them, maybe 26. I knew there was an even number because they weren't holding hands in pairs.

Three of them were in fancy dress the others hadn't bothered. At that moment well I felt less optimistic about the future of this country. Well it could have been the parents that didn't know. Well even if it was the parents I still feel less optimistic about the

future of the country. It was a bigger blow to me than How do you know they weren't in fancy dress? Thanks for interrupting me there. Because future of the country. It was a bigger blow to me than... How do you know they weren't in plastic bags? Thanks for interrupting me there. It did sound like you didn't have it sorted. I can only think of the worst things it's possible to

mention on breakfast, but I couldn't do any. No, but Frank, there was a school in Liverpool, did you read about that, that their children all turned up in Liverpool kits because they said Stephen Gerrard had written an autobiography. So he was a literary figure. I think you'll find that he spoke to someone who wrote an autobiography.

If he even did that. Well, yeah, I just thought it was such a shame. It was lovely seeing these kids dressed up. One had got a cloak on. You know I love a cloak. You love a cloak. It looked like a dracula cloak and that's like i was i was very impressed by that and there was a couple with tails pepper pig tails i mean it doesn't take much all right long sort of wolf tails oh really did you

see kai rooney as well kai rooney he went to a lot of effort i have to say with kai rooney i have yeah i have when i saw the daily mail's um kai rooney montage kai rooney is not one word it's not it wasn't about pasta kai the son of wayne and colleen rooney i really thought you know you can say what you like about the Rooneys, but I think they're great parents. I do. He's in some of the best fancy... There's a shot of her as Dorothy.

Love it. And him as the Scarecrow. It's one of the finest mother-child pictures I've seen. And I'm talking about a man who studied Renaissance art, Madonna and Child. It was absolutely... It was a little Joan Crawford studio photo, but Madonna and Child. It was absolutely... It was a little Joan Crawford studio photo, but I liked that. It was Kingdom style.

That's what it was. Oh, man, I just thought how lovely to be the child of the Roonies and get dressed up in different outfits every day. Absolutely brilliant. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. we were talking about world book day we discussed kairuni he went as the mad hatter he looked very cute didn't he yeah and i wonder if they have a stylist for his outfits because they were so good they didn't look like mom was knocking them up out of unless she's really good at like first painting and arts

and crafts and stuff, which she might be. No, they're like me when I go to Fancy Dress and I go to the costume designer from the National Theatre. Honestly. Yes. The OC tweeted... The OC has been name-checked.

The OC tweeted this week that his daughter was going on World Book Day as Jack Reacher from the Lee Childs novels. I'm not au fait with Jack Reacher. You're not au fait? That is the... What's my job title when I worked at Quick Fit? Jack Reacher. It's a very high shelf.

That's very fine material. Thank you so much. Apparently they're tales of a daring do type guy and they're meant to be... Daring do? Yeah. They're meant to be really good, like, buy it in an airport and take it on holiday books. There are a lot of people who... Chewing gum books?

I think they're... Airport novels, yeah. They're a bit more on identity. See, I think I've been meaning to start on them because there's loads of them and they're exactly that sort of book that if you go, oh, I like this one, you'll like them all and that's quite a nice feeling, isn't it? Knowing that there's tonnes of the same book that you like.

Oh, yeah. I really enjoy that. They're on my to-do list. I'm not being snobby about it. I'm currently reading Day of the Daleks, the novelisation. Are you? Well, we've talked many times off air about how much we enjoy a page-turner and it's a skill. Well, Day of the Daleks, the novelisation. Oh, yeah. Well, we've talked many times off air about how much we enjoy a page-turner,

and it's a skill. Well, Day of the Daleks, what they... Day of the Daleks is no Day of the Triffids, is it? You can get... Come on. Well, you say that. So it's very fine. You know, a lot of the Doctor Who episodes

are written up as books. Mm-hm. And it's... Someone's got time on their hands. I love it we misfired with World Book Day with my son he went dressed as Patrick Bateman from American Psycho

it just wasn't appropriate I don't know why we did that if I had a kid I'd say Andy McNabb Balaclava that's a really easy one that's perfect I do have a kid but if he was old enough for World Book Day, I think I'd say to him, I'll tell you what,

let's not worry too much about the dressing up. What about you read a book for World Book Day? That really should be the movement. What they've done here is they've thought, well, obviously kids, they're not going to read a book. What about dressing up as a sort of a second base? Do you think twins go as a horse from um a dick francis novel that'd be excellent there's horses you know that i mean black beauty and a soul

there's a lot of horses in dick francis i'll tell you what would be excellent uh you may be familiar with the historian lucy worsley of course she wrote a book called courtiers frank i don't know if you can see where i'm going with this but in courtiers described is a character with bushy hair and a roving look in his eye who liked to eat raw onions so you could actually go as peter the wild oh you'd have to be naked i think you have to be recognizable though don't you see i'm i like to choose my outfits for anything on on what looks good on me start there start with me really i suit an eye patch so i'm thinking you know rooster coke burn um pirate that um maybe that one from kill bill the uh daryl hannah yeah oh yeah maybe even in sexy nurse mode, you know, when she has the Red Cross eye pack.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you'd suit that. Obviously, if it was a standard fancy dress party, I'd go for former Israeli Prime Minister Moshe Dayan, but he's not fictional. No. He doesn't fit in my World Book Day at all. I'm sure he wrote a book, but I imagine there was lots of it

missing because you can't judge distance with one eye. So a lot of the time he was writing, it wasn't quite reaching the paper. But yeah, actually if anyone's got any advice on any other eye patch based characters I could do, I don't mean generic pirate. I mean it's got to be

a person. You see I'd love to do Long John Silver. Do you know I Can See You is that got to be a person. You see, I'd love to do Long John Silver. I mean, it doesn't get much better. Do you know I Can See You as that? But he doesn't... It's a myth, you see. You see some people do him with an eye patch. In the book, he doesn't have fur.

Oh. Leg missing, but parrot, yes. Eye patch, no. That's the things to say when you're going to be Long John Silver. One leg, one parrot, iPad? No. Frank? Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We're going to email corner, I think, Frank. Do you want the jingle? Do you know what? I would actually quite like it. It's nice, isn't it? That's no way to go about it.

I have to go searching. Here we go. It gives the show a bit of uniformity. Email corner. There it is. We have an email here. If it were done, it is best it were done quickly. Hi all.

I listen to the podcast every week. I wouldn't call it a guilty pleasure. There's a bit of panic already that she's going to say it's a guilty pain. I don't even want to be in that Venn diagram with those words. I wouldn't call it a guilty pleasure. Well, I wouldn't want to be in it with pleasure. Guilty pleasure is. But I'm not sure I'd tell my peer group I listen.

I can already sense that this is a young person because there's several exclamation marks after all. Hi, all. I think her spelling's too good to be a young person, but anyway, carry on. How old is she? She reveals later she's 24 years old. Not young. But she wouldn't tell her peer group.

I think we've got many 24-year-old listeners, many. I wouldn't be surprised if... I think we've got eight. I wouldn't be surprised if... I think we've got eight. I wouldn't be surprised if they text in now. I've had a 21-year-old before. I think we've got eight. If I remember rightly, looking at statistics,

three of them are in a coma and they're only here in the show as a method of trying to wake them up. Well, let's crack on and see if we can help there. Make up! I wouldn't tell my peer group I listened. Sorry about that. No explanation, just an apology. Anyway, like Frank, I love all things Merlin, and every time you mention it, I feel it affirms me as a Merlin lover.

She's won me over. Just wanted to say thanks, as I'm often the subject of much ridicule for my addiction to anything on television that relates to Merlin and King Arthur times. Merlin and King Arthur times? Seems to be putting Merlin and King Arthur in the same bracket as Chico. It's Chico time. Yeah.

It's Merlin time. Or MC Hammer. Yeah. Stop. OK. Hammer time. Excellent. Keep spreading the good word.

Love, Kirsty. 24 years old. Air. A-Y-R. Air in Scotland. Excellent. Keep spreading the good word. Love, Kirsty. 24 years old. Air. A-Y-R. Air in Scotland, which I worked in for a couple of summers. So let me get this right. There are people from air who don't think I'm cool enough.

Struth. Yep. Struth? Yeah. Struth! Paul Hogan on Absolute Radio this morning. You bludger. It's all right, that's clean, because Alf used to say it on Home and Away. I think that's true, yeah. What else in email corner? This is from Lynn O'Connor.

In the 1980s, I remember being a voluntary worker with Frank at this cinema. We'll get to which cinema we're talking about him selling it isn't the kind of cinema you're all thinking it's very yes him selling tickets and me tearing them at the door when we got chatting frank said that he was thinking about his stage name and wanted it to show his brummie roots so had thought up tommy tiptree or harry harbourn tommy tipton oh she's called it tiptree that's all right tommy tiptree or harry harbourne tommy tipton oh she's called it tiptree that's all right tommy tipton harry harbourne yeah lin o'connor but you know it's been a long time though hasn't it and des is not easy to live with in fairness lovely to hear from lin o'connor where was it again you worked frank what was the name can i say i also toyed with the idea of where's

bromwich i'm so glad i worked at a place called The Triangle in Goster Green, Birmingham. It was an art house cinema. We were paid in art. Because what they used to do, they used to pay us in tickets to see the films. Oh, lovely. Didn't get the money. So I saw films I would never...

It was a very educational period. I remember seeing a Russian, a four-hour Russian documentary with subtitles in which virtually every person interviewed wore a white shirt. So the subtitles were completely on people. No one had thought, hold on a minute. But anyway, so it was happy times, though, I must say. That was, I also, I must have told you this story,

that a woman came in and she came up to the box office and she went in and I thought, God, I really liked her. And I had to go home, she was watching a long film. So I wrote her a letter saying, I just thought, you know, you looked amazing, I'd like to meet you and I'll be in Sound So Art Gallery tomorrow at one o'clock. And she turned up. Wow. and she turned up. Wow. But the next time, I asked her back to my bed seat and in so keen to impress her,

I bought my first ever French stick. Oh. And she didn't turn up for that. Oh, God. So you can imagine, having invested in a French stick, I felt like rubbish. But still, we're still in email corner. Well, yes yes i was going to say we were going to say it together that was very embarrassing i'm happy to try and say it together harmony do you want to give us a count every in ivory three two one we're still in

email corner sounded like that hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy character. Awful. You were the counter in, that's fine. Why couldn't he join in? I felt a bit like the drummer hitting his sticks together. You know when they do that at the start of a song? Yeah. I love that. I love it when you see a band live and they do that.

I felt your role in that was a bit Craig from Bross. Yeah. Or we were the Gosses. Well, I'm fine with that. So where does this leave us? We've actually had a few texts in that I'd like to briefly sashay towards, because you were mentioning the eye patches.

One of my favourite texts that we've ever received, I think, was pirates used to wear eye patches as a night vision aid. How about that? That's all it says. I don't, that can't be correct. I think that's um i think that might be true like i think looking with both eyes perhaps it's you'd see more darkness in a weird

way no no no i'll tell you what i think now i think about it i reckon that if you've got a good eye and you wear an eye patch on it that if you're suddenly in darkness and you raise that eye patch that retina is already accustomed to the dark like being in a cinema so you don't get your readjustment period you're straight in so that when the um let's say let's say it's the marquis of bath yeah passing on a on a large um luxury cruiser um that makes it like jane mcdonald then um that he's struggling to uh to get his uh his night fishing together it takes what 30 seconds meantime he's been hacked to pieces yeah by um you've got a head start on him on the markers above and i was like a head start on the markers above yeah it's very wise so that's interesting though i like that um yeah so we can sashay back into email call i was thinking i could have been uh oh you know odin um see it's difficult this because in the comics

odin doesn't normally wear that eye patch i don't he didn't when i read thor comics but in the film i don't know anthony hopkins he wears like a... Actually, speaking of the clip frame, it looks like one of the metal things from a clip frame, just clutching one eye. Oh, yeah. I can just wear an eye patch if I want to. I don't need a literary model to do it. Dan from Worcester.

Hi, all. I'm a 25-year-old listener, if that still counts. I'm consciously listening and enjoying your show. However, I am at work, so in comparison to work, I'd enjoy pretty much anything. Oh. They pit you up, they knock you down. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. We've been deluged with missives from our younger demographic. They do listen, Frank. You say? Just wondering if you cared, but I'm a 14-year-old listener and two other of my friends listen to this radio station too.

Fabulous. That's from Ashwari. Who's that from? Ashwari. I found a bit halfway through that the voice broke and then went back again. Dear Absolute Radio, I'm a 26-year-old listener and I regard Absolute Radio as my cool, in inverted commas, listening, as I normally

listen to Radio 4 and have Absolute Radio on Saturdays for a treat. It's only just dawned on me that maybe my peers are not doing this. That's it, the weekends, eh? Yeah. When weekends were special. Before mass unemployment. That's from Rhiannon26.

And we've also had various missives about the eyepatch question. What I like is the eyepatch question. What happened to this show? Speaking of cool radio, if you're Radio 1, they're probably discussing the iPad. Here we're discussing the eyepatch.

That's the difference. The eyepatch question. Now, here's a great text. I was saying, in case you've just tuned in, because some people, they come in for Mark Crossley and they catch the end of me, the way one used to catch the end of Tomorrow's World when one tuned in for Top of the Box.

Is that what we are? We're Tomorrow's World, aren't we? We are. In many ways, we're Yesterday's World. Oh, God. But I was just saying that i sued an eyepatch and i was looking for some people i could fancy dress up as that would allow me to cash in on that which then became a discussion about the effectiveness of the eyepatch for night

vision yes amongst the pirate community that was frank that's frank's theorem as well which i thought was a good theorem uh which uh as you were saying it, somebody texted in saying, Mythbusters proved it, Frank got it. So your theory that they kept the eye dark and then they quickly adjusted was... It makes absolute sense. Yeah, which is not the same for... Absolute sense, I don't know if you know who's that. Our new channel.

Common Sense Channel. Yeah, exactly. They should use me, my voice is quite good for common sense. You are Mr. No-Nods. Magnus Pike presents that. 819, though. Hi, gang. Dennis here, a firefighter from London.

Madness Pike, I think it is. Hi, Dennis. A firefighter? Yes. Yeah, he sounds great, doesn't he? I'll look you up sometime. Pirates used to wear eye patches so that when they boarded other ships, they could fight beneath deck.

They would enter below and swap the patch over. I don't understand that. No, I don't. So they lived a double life, upstairs, downstairs. So they'd go in on the dark bit of the boat, and by swapping the patch over, the eye that has been in the dark is adjusted. So we're still talking about, He's on about 90%... I thought he meant that you'd be rendered unrecognisable

by the swapping of the eye patches. David Bowie? When Spider-Man puts his glasses on. I thought someone below debt would say, God, there's even more of them. Look, here's another. He said, well, it looks a bit like the other one, but his eye's got a different bad eye.

And even then, that one seems like common sense compared to 870 who has texted, pirates wear an eye patch because the parrot on their shoulder pecks at their eyeball. That could happen. It could be a protection. I don't think that's why. That's an urban myth. What, Leonard? Is that a person? Urban myth.

You can't have that urban myth. You hear that everywhere. They're always on about that. Every time you go out. Urban myths from pirate era. What they need is a sort of a... You know the way in a cab you get that perspex in between the driver and the passenger?

Because the pirate is essentially the passenger in that settle, he should have a perspex face shield down there. What about those big loopy earrings that pirates wear? Is that for the parrot to sit on? No, that's Jenny Murray. Maybe it's for the parrot to hold on to if the pirate has to run so the parrot can put up one claw and hold on to it like you do when you're on the tube and you hold on to that loop.

Oh, yeah, I thought it was a trapeze thing for the parrot. No, I think that's a little... They're running, they just put a handle on it. Just put one claw on there so they can... It's their form of what I believe is called a strap handle. Is that what it's called? I believe so. Or that might be something else.

Yeah, I'll check with my friends in the S&M community about that. But I think we've got to the bottom of the pirate eye patch. Oh, I should think so. But who knows? I'm happy to hear more. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, lots of pirate text still coming in. Good.

We sorted it, didn't we? No, 850. Hi, Frank and co. The pirate's earring was to buy him a christian burial if he was killed abroad oh i thought that was gold teeth no okay they're wearing is that why you got them yeah so i could get a christian burial when i was abroad it's not easy nowadays they wear an eye patch because they are half cut and can only see out of one eye uh i like the phrase half cuts and i just feel like it should be brought back. I'll tell you something on the subject of drunkenness and the eye patch.

Is that I remember on occasions getting so drunk that I got double vision. And I mean proper, I don't mean one slightly ghost image, I mean two absolutely clear images of the same thing. And the only way you could cope with it was to put hand over one eye. Oh, yeah. To stop it. So an eye patch would be good in that... In your drinking days. Yeah.

And it's not a lot of luggage to carry about, is it? It's not like you're carrying heavy prep for drunkenness. Gabrielle managed it. Yeah. Well, didn't she just have a sort of a fringe? Now, did she wear an eyepatch? No, she had an eyepatch. A full-on eyepatch. Well, I could go as her, then. We've had an email in. This is

to the three of us, but it's directed specifically at Frank, inspired by your love of David's mum. Yeah, we should say that this is not a David Baddiel reference. This is... Is it David Beckham? This is... No, I went...

Was it Donatello's David? Donatello's David in Florence. Again, not Donatello Versace, but... Renaissance artist. It's a sculptor, and it's a sort of a scantily clad man with a few flowers. And I found it strangely fascinating. I found that it tapped into a darker, not darker, but a different part of my psyche.

Yes. The love that dare not speak its name. Exactly. I have to recommend Napoleon as Mars the Peacemaker in Apsley House, London. I'm a postgraduate student in the history of art and went recently with my class. We spent a good hour stood behind him, admiring Obligatory Night's Move, if any of you ever fancies a free tour around the Courtauld Galleries

with a 21-year-old broke student, etc. Well, I agree about Napoleon as a masterpiece maker. He has, I think I can say this on breakfast television, a very fabulous bottom. I think you can, yeah. Perfect. But he does have... Has he got junk in the trunk?

I'll tell you what he has got. No, not really. No, it's very... Pert. Yes. Very John Pertwee. But what he has got is on one shoulder, he's got a pile of material.

He looks like Jenny Murray, Radio 4's Jenny Murray, at a fetish club because he's naked and then he's got this sort of weird scarf on one shoulder. A tapestry scarf. Yeah. Of course if you're into sculpted bottocks there is

Venus of the Beautiful Bottocks which is actually the name of a... That was in LOLO wasn't it? No that was not that. That was the name of a... That was an LOLO, wasn't it? No, that was not that. That was the Madonna with the... Anyway, so, yeah, Venus is a proper classical statue that's called that, Venus of the Beautiful Botox.

Well, having heard this... I did not ask that they could make a statue of me. Can I say, it delivers. It does what it says on the tin. Yeah. Having heard this, I've been keeping my eye out whilst I've been in London at the various statues to see if I see any statues with excellent bums. And I've seen a surprising number of them with long flowing cloaks and thought, I don't know how Frank would feel about this.

Would he be going, I love the cloak, or I'd quite like to see the bum? I don't know where you'd stand on that. I don't usually think that I'm a bum person. I mean, when I was talking about the David statue, it was just his general ambience. Someone else has...

He has a playful look on his face. They've made this more bottom-centric. And he's in the contrapposto position. He's coy. He's coy. He is coy. Come hitherish. Oh, God, he's comehither. That's not Frank. Frank's a fan of the Burgers of Calais, aren't you, Frank? I am.

I passed the Burgers of Calais. No. Is that a bust? Even in the middle of the horse meat scandal, I'll always stop and look at the Burgers of Calais. And, oh, I love it. Can I recommend this? It's near the Houses of Parliament.

It's a Rodin. It's gone a bit flash today. It's gone a bit flash today. It's gone a bit radio form. Sorry if there's any idiots listening who feel alienated. I can assure you we'll be back next week with lots of rubbish to talk about. Is that all right to say? I don't know. So, look, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.