The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - FaceTime

Episode Date: January 12, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss their latest embarrassing moments, the Monopoly dilemma, house rules and the new celebrity diving show Splash!

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Hey, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Yes, them. And if you want to join in and be part of the team, the fourth member in a way, then you can text us on 81215 or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute We've actually already had an email just arrived now, I have a French exam in an hour and I'm currently stressing about all the information to remember and remembering it all in French, so could you please play

Dire Straits Brothers in Arms to keep me calm, a couple of things, we don't really do requests Also, who does exams on a Saturday? That was my next point. Who does an exam? Also, Dire Straits Brothers in Arms. Extraordinary request. I don't know if that'll calm anyone down. No, they shouldn't have asked for some Serge Gainsbourg.

Yeah, that'd have been nice. Or Charlotte, I suppose. Or Charlotte. Although she tends to sing in English, doesn't she, Charlotte? Still nice and calming, innit? Also, didn't she expose herself completely naked to Pete Doherty in something recently? Did she? A film or something. Oh yes in a film. It was arty though. Oh god it was arty. No one's denying that.

I mean I haven't seen Skyfall yet so the chances of me having seen that are even smaller aren't they? You haven't seen Skyfall I'm going to start leaking spoiler alerts into our conversation. You haven't seen Live and Let Die. That's how behind you are. I'm buried behind the curve.

Well, the Ken Dodd surprise appearance. I had no... I mean, who would have cast him as a Bond villain? But he was actually really... Terrifying. Oh! Yeah, I loved it. Now, I'm going to tell you something which you might think is made up, but I swear on all that is sacred, this is absolutely true.

I was in a car the other day, a minicab, and the driver said to me, I like you very much. Oh, I don't like the way this is going. Here we go. Were you in the front seat? No, no, I was on his lap. And he was in the back seat with me. Now, he said, you know, I like you very much.

He said, ever since I came to this country from, I think it was Egypt somewhere. He said, ever since I came to this country, he said, I said that because it makes it less racist than if he was an Indian or a Pakistani. Yeah, I got the the accent but it's fine you know there's a whole league table yeah not that i'm going to say anything bad about him but anyway um i think i'm the one who suffers in this anecdote um he liked you very much yeah and he said you know when i first came to this country i watched you all the time and i thought that's you know lovely and he said um he, a lot of the programmes now, you know, they're not good.

He said, you know, I go to work and I come home, you know, for a laugh and there are no laughs, he said. I thought, well, you know, I'm still on. But I thought, he means apart from me is what he means. Anyway, I was sort of basking in this praise. And then he said to me, do you ever see the lady who played Betty? And in a weird string of mistakes,

he'd read Frank Skinner on his chitty, taken that as Frank Spencer, which is one mistake. Assume Frank Spencer was the name of the person in the show and not in the show, and thought it was me. You were wearing a beret and a raincoat, tightly belted. Yeah, I know, but...

So anyway, I texted Michelle Detrice and said, guess what? No, but then he went on about it. He said, because, you know, nowadays, the modern comedians, they're rubbish. And I was thinking, oh, God. And I couldn't tell him, obviously. He didn't mention Frank Skinner, did he?

No, no, he didn't. I assumed he'd never heard of me. But I was almost tempted to start going, let's try to help him out a bit, you know. Ooh. Ooh. But, um... You should have said to him him you've done a bit of a whoopsie here a little bit of trouble and then and then about i suppose about four days later i went into a i parked somewhere and realized that the parking was on till 10 o'clock at night rather than 6. Oh, I hate that.

So I thought, I've got no change. So I went into a shop. I always buy a pint of milk when I need change. So I think, you'll drink milk. It won't be wasted, milk. And in the boot of the car nowadays, it's like a small fridge. So I went in the shop and I noticed that obviously I paid cash to get change, but the woman had got one of those pin machines, you know, chip and pins.

Oh, yeah. Still big, aren't they? Oh, they're very big. They're like a 1980s calculator. We'll look back at those chip and pins and say, do you remember when chip and pins were? Before they became Vapor. Yeah.

Remember those big, chunky things? Anyway, hers was pink. Shocking pink. She was a woman, I'd say, in her late 40s, early 50s. And I said, well, you've got a very feminine machine. And she looks at me, honestly, in absolute... Quite an odd thing to say, Fanny. I just meant that she had a...

I don't know what she thought I was talking about, but she looked genuinely affronted. And I couldn't see any way out of it. What was under the counter? I should have said, who better? A lady. A lady on his door. Oh, man, it was terrible.

I mean, what could I have meant? Oh, you've got a very feminine machine. If you would like to take a stab at what Frank could have meant, text 10 on 81215. You know, I don't have X-ray vision, for goodness sake. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. I had the window cleaners the other day, and our window cleaners, they're not like your old traditional who start at the ground and work their way up on a ladder. They start at the roof and come down on a cable. Is that because you live in a skyscraper, is that? Well, I don't know if I'd call it a skyscraper. I just thought it was a nice retro term.

It's a sky fondler. Oh, OK. It's what it is. Because they've had the top smoothed. That It's a sky fondler. Oh, OK. It's what it is. Because they've had the top smoothed. That's quite a job, doing your windows, though, that great height. Yeah, what kind of Christmas tip did they get? From me?

Nothing. Anyway, the thing is that they just dangle. They're doing their cleaning, and I get about my business, and that's the deal. One never acknowledges them. Right. Because otherwise, once you've said hello, they're there for, like, you know, what do you do then?

We should say two-thirds of your apartment is window, virtually. Yeah. Is that right? So, anyway, I was aware of him at the core of my eye, and then he... Frank! And the double thumbs up. No.

So I thought, what you've done... You started that, though, didn't you? You started that move, the double thumbs up. I don't know if I started it, but I certainly popularised it in the 90s. But he... I thought, what you've done, you've broken the fourth wall. The classic theatre rule. Yes. And then I was still making my breakfast and stuff and he was hanging there.

And I knew he was there and I knew it was like being on Big Brother. But in sort of live, the live tour of Big Brother. Without the fee. Without the fee, yeah, just the humiliation and the sense of being, I could feel him boring holes in my back with his probing eyes. And it was... I couldn't... You know when you're driving and you realise there's a police car behind you and you can't drive that way?

Yes. I felt that the sandwich I made was slipshod. You lost your mojo, Frank. You know the squares weren't quite aligned of the two slices of bread. Oh, no. And they were a bit off kilter. Did you put all the ingredients that you'd planned to put in there? I didn't know.

My mind was a whirl. And suddenly you were going, there's just lettuce in here. In the end, I just want to eat this. And a little bit of piccadilly. I just want to legitimise leaving the room. And when you're mid-sandwich, you can't just storm out the room. So I had to sit and eat the sandwich. And I never looked at him again, but I knew he was looking at me.

I couldn't swallow. I couldn't... Every move, the self-consciousness was crippling me. And for what? Frank, can we move over to my feminine machine temporarily um i you're not alone yeah as i believe the late michael jackson once sung because i had a bit of an embarrassing moment this week well are you familiar with the option called facetime on an iphone yes okay so we should just explain that sort of like a video conversation it's very sci-fi means you can talk i always thought for

every phone would be like it by this stage when i used to watch tomorrow as well as a child i if you'd have said to me you'll be doing a radio show in 2013 i would imagine myself arriving by hovercraft it's not the case. But, yes, so that I thought that video... Not by a man who thinks you're Frank Spencer. Exactly. So FaceTime, I believe... I've never done it.

Well, no, I haven't. And I'll tell you what, Frank, apparently it's used mainly by couples for intimate moments. Oh, you are... No. ...having a laugh. No. That's...

I don't know. I couldn't put a figure on it, but I'm going to go 88% of people that use it for intimate moments. Oh, you see, now I don't want to use it. Yeah. Me neither. However... The fact that it's called FaceTime. I went to ring Daisy, the producer, this week

and was juggling my phone betwixt ear and shoulder in a sort of urban multitasking way. You can actually do that. I've never managed to do that ever. Well, I didn't pull it off very successfully. OK. I'll tell you why.

Because I realised instead of calling Daisy, I was requesting a FaceTime moment with Lee Mack, I realised. What? Yeah. I suddenly realised. I went, no! So he would have heard me request it. And then I just pressed stop. So Lee Mack has a requested FaceTime missed call from me on his phone.

Unless he got back to you. No, which is a bit more to Picardo. I imagine he's got queuing on his FaceTime. I'd like to apologise Tiger Woods style to Lee Mack. Yeah. I feel very ashamed of that. So you've never FaceTimed, but you've got some week you and i could facetime oh god no i mean let's let's drag it back into respectable society facetime should

we do it i've never done it let's do it why not i like the idea of being able to see see someone you're speaking to you're in the same room it's not as exciting how though, is it? I meant with the aid of technology. Oh, OK. Yeah. I hadn't thought of that. I keep persuading my girlfriend to get an iPhone. Oh, no. No!

I mean, so we can, you know, we can have nice face-to-face conversations when I'm away. And she said the trouble is with iPhones, you get mobbed for them. Well, I mean, that's not still true, is it? I haven't been since I had one, no. No, but you're a big man with a beard. I can sound like Brian Blessed.

Yeah, this is a hint. There's a Brian Blessed in embryo form. You can imagine that. Actually, I've got a picture somewhere of Brian Blessed in embryo form. But obviously I can't put that on the website for legal reasons. Can you tell I can't find the button? You could if he was on FaceTime. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

So we were talking about embarrassing stories and I don't... We were talking about the I would love to have joined in but I don't have one because this week, like every other week of my life, I have sailed effortlessly through.

It's been an absolute doddle. It's an absolute breeze for me Good So instead we should discuss Monopoly You know the board game Monopoly Yeah You know the little pieces The asset acquiring and money based game Alan

Yeah yes I thought you'd be a fan of that That's my little reputation Yes That's my little reputation From Hasbro Hasbro I have often thought it seems wrong to me That only one company is... It's Monopoly. From Hasbro. Hasbro. I have often thought, it seems wrong to me,

that only one company is allowed to make Monopoly. Oh, yeah? They should speak to the Monopolies and Mergers Commission, shouldn't they, about that. I love it when you two do your material. It's good, that. It's clever. So... So they're discussing the possibility of changing one of the pieces,

and they're asking people which one would they like to update but i had forgotten what pieces were in there well i could remember uh dog boot thimble car dog boot can i just say you know when you play it you tend to have your favorite piece don't you you're loyal to i can guess what you two are. Can you? I think Frank would go for... They have a little boot, which is a bit Depression era. Yeah. And quite man of the people. And I think that would fit in with Frank's persona.

Right. I think... I've used a boot before now. Oh, I knew you would have. Thank Angela's ashes, that boot. I like it. Yeah. I think it's a bit early Chaplin.

But, yeah, but carry on. I've used a thimble as well. Have you, Frank? I use the thimble. Bit of a feminine machine. A thimble, I find. What am I saying? You've got a very feminine machine.

No. Have you heard of a Scottish... Have you heard of a Scottish finger time they have on thimbles, apparently? Oh. So. Oh, I think I get it. Have you heard of Chick Murray? Yes.

A Scottish comic. He tells a story about he stayed in digs. You know, the landlady was very, very skimpy. Only got one half slice of toast in the morning and stuff for breakfast. So one morning, day four of staying there, he asked if he could have honey the next day. And she was a bit grumpy about it, but when he got up the next morning,

there was honey on the table, but it was in a thimble. That's how small. And he said to her, ah, I see you keep a bee. So the thimble always represents that fabulous story to me. But you are right. I do go for the boot generally.

I knew you'd be boot. You see, I'd see out. They used to have a sack of money, but I think they phased that out. That'll be out. That'll be out. Or the Scotty dog, maybe. He's a dog. Can you guess what I'd go for?

I think mine's really obvious. Is yours... I think ruling classes. Sports car. No, I'd go for the I think mine's really obvious. Is yours... I think ruling classes. Sports car. No, I'd go for the top hat. Oh, I like the top hat. It's a nice weight to it, isn't it? I love it.

I did... There was an iron. Do you remember that? Yeah. And my mum, when I was a kid, we had... She had one of those metal irons. Oh, yeah. And that's what...

That was the iron that she used. So if she had ironing to do, she'd put this metal iron on the cooker, on the gas ring and heat it up so it was really, really red hot and then iron with it. And also she used it as a doorstop. Did she? And when my dad came back from the pub with a coconut, which he often did.

Did he? Yeah. I don't know why, he'd often return with a coconut. We lived in Barbados. My mother was the cleaner for Ian Fleming at Goldeneye. Oh, of course, yeah. And I love the books and all that, and we always got the latest one at Christmas time. But he was a tough taskmaster, I have to say.

I'm not saying he hit her, but he shoved her about a bit. But, you know, those were different times. There was a time my dad was going up the house and he said, yeah, he said, I'll give him 007, he said. 007? Yeah. I mean, I don't know what he meant by it. I think it was good.

My mum said, oh, no, you oh no we don't have to move out of the servants quarters and that's how we didn't go but yeah that was the iron what was we talking about monopoly so they're phasing one out

now odds are at the moment that it's going to be the wheelbarrow because people don't have much call to use a wheelbarrow It's the least popular I was forgotten there was one In a time of recession Yeah You don't use a wheelbarrow that often

Why not? Surely it's the perfect time Grow your own vegetables Get the allotment going Have a wheelbarrow Well, we'll come back to this Okay Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner this Absolute Radio Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio Monopoly Yeah we were talking about the new Monopoly piece that's going to be introduced They haven't decided what it's going to be yet I see the modern iron I have no faith in the modern iron

No I wouldn't I'd have a dry cleaning stub Because that's the modern iron really Let's be wouldn't. I'd have a dry cleaning stub, because that's the modern iron, really. Let's be honest. But they do look like they're going to last. No. They ought to do a sort of a Victor Meldrew-type sitcom starring an iron

called One Foot in the Skip about the flimsy lifespan of the modern iron. The built-in... What's it called? Built-in obsolescence. Built-in obsolescence. Yeah, but there's built-in and there's glaringly staring obsolescence in the face of the modern iron. Anyway.

I would... I'd like to nominate an Ugg boot as well for a piece. An Ugg boot? Yes. But you can't have that with the early Chaplin boot. Well, you'd have to swap it. Chaplin goes and Ronnie Wood Ugg comes in. This is the new, I'm afraid. I don't know if you can have other footwear.

That seems wrong to me. Can you not? I think maybe you're right about swap it for something the same but updated, like get rid of the terrier and have one of those dangerous dogs, one of the savage dogs? Yeah, but this is about people who are buying property, isn't it? You're talking people who are in council or rented accommodation.

Oh, God, Frank! You can't discriminate against them. You're allowed to play Monopoly if you don't own your house. You don't get many, you know, Lord Banford and his killer dog, do you? You don't get that. Not since I stopped haunting.

But it needs to be something that represents the sort of people that buy property, doesn't it? And speculate. Does it? I just assumed... Lemon squeezer. Lemon squeezer? I've always seen that as a very height of sophistication.

You know the things I'm in, like a glass bowl, and they've got a pointy bit in the middle in your squeezer? Yeah, the Pyrex-y thing, as opposed to the metal, tall, Alessi thing. I'm talking glass. Oh. I think instead of the wheelbarrow, it needs to be a vehicle of some sort. I'm going to go minicab. I think minicab with the wooden beads on the front seat.

Not as sophisticated, though, as a lemon squeezer. Also, if you had a lemon squeezer, you could use it, say, for kumquats. Yeah, that'd be good. It'd be the right size. And I don't know if you've ever tried to purchase kumquat juice in a juice bar. No. Well, even if they've got them, it's a long wait. Right.

Gary Mack has texted in and he says, good morning, Alan, Emily and Mr Spencer. And then does he say, stop bothering my brother with your FaceTime request? No, he has actually requested FaceTime with me, this guy. But let's put that in a box. I can't believe that Alan has still not seen Skyfall. It's now been nominated for five Oscars and eight BAFTA awards.

Get a move on, Alan. I agree. You are missing the train. It's very good. I'm sure it is, yeah. Oh, man. I just haven't got round to it. Tears for souvenirs. I didn't see that coming, the Ken Dodd.

It shocked me. Maybe Eiffel Tower. Little pewter Eiffel Tower. Oh, I like that, Frank. And then you can do... Parisian. You know that photo, we've all done it, surely, when you're in Paris, the photo of you standing with the Eiffel Tower on the palm of your hand,

you stand in such a way. You can actually do it. That'd be good, yeah. You could do it like for real. Are you with me? Mm. It's been a long morning, has it been? It's the blood on my ears we've heard from the outside world okay what's the weather like um yeah it's uh fair to middle okay i think they said

uh someone's asked i'm not sure if i fully understand this questions did frank's mum commute from barbados to jamaica to clean clean Ian Fleming's house in Goldeneye? Was that a Jamaica joke? They're suggesting that there's geographical inaccuracies. It's one of those smart alecks who knows where Ian Fleming lived. Your riff was an island out. No, we used to... What used to happen is that Roderick, his manservant,

used to come over with a rowing boat. Roderick? Yeah, you know Roderick. Rodgers? Yeah. Who's he calling? He's a big, handsome black man. And I think he played...

He told me he'd played professional baseball in Philadelphia in his teenage years. But you know what, it's like, they love a story over there. And he used to row my mum across with her, you know, cleaning fluids. Nice, yeah. So that's that one sorted out. What else? We've also had some suggestions about Monopoly. One of them was somebody saying

their friend the sculptor Paul Richardson is making some giant sculptures for Monopoly in Waterford in Ireland. I've been to that airport. Is it going to be... That's not going to a place, just going to the airport, Alan, just FYI. True enough. A huge battleship and policemen and other pieces

to be put on a massive board game outside their offices. I don't remember policemen. It's Ireland. No, but there was that creepy man in the jail, wasn't there? They have to have policemen in every board game for security reasons. They've got to, yes. It's one of their things, isn't it? There is a policeman.

There's the man who says, go to jail and points his finger at you. Yeah, but he's not three-dimensional. This is a sculpture we're talking about, not fine art So they're going to do like a giant one you can play, you see those big giant chess sets They used to have that outside Huddersfield Library, the big chess And then I think it scared the locals, they thought there was like a horse on the loose or something And I think it's been put away, although we'll probably get a text now A knight's move A knight's move, very good horse on the loose or something and i think it's been put away although we'll probably get a nice move very good

daisy our producer was saying that a little earlier she's looking she's gone white in the face thinking what was i saying earlier she's facetiming apparently this is she was listening to jeff lloyd and he was saying that this is the weekend where most people give up on their um new year's resolutions oh and i'll tell you something that's happened to me um is i've this has never happened to me before i've accidentally fallen into a new year's resolution i've done something every day this year and it only just struck me yesterday and that is i've eaten lemon curd on every day of 2013 so far that's a new year's resolution it's in reverse i'm thinking now i might as well make it a new year's resolution

make it a year it's going a lot better than the the herring pickling so i like the idea that you have a fortnight's worth of lemon curd and think, I'll make a year of it. Well, it seems a shame to stop now. I know the day I decide to stop, they come ten to midnight, I'm going to panic and be racing over to the fridge for the job. What do you have it with, Frank? I have it on a crisp bread.

Oh, lovely. I'll tell you what I do. What about this? I don't put butter on. I just get the crisp bread and I'm just straight on with the lemon curd. Because lemon curd contains butter. Why gild the lily? Can I make a suggestion?

Yeah. Why don't you just smear it straight on to pickled herring? Kill two birds with one stone. You and anything picky in it. Oh, you see that? I was helping. I imagine you were in China when Sweet and Sour started. If that was the sort of

suggestion to come up with, that'd be horrible. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've heard from the outside world. I'd like to read this email that we've had in from Steve Hubbard.

The subject line is identity fraud. I have to report to you a case of identity fraud that occurred on your show just before Christmas. Oh my goodness. Like so many listeners, I always want to send something relevant in whilst the show is on and get my identity on air. That priceless three digit number.

In my case, 463. Well, can you imagine my amazement when emily read a story about kate from canterbury and then described her as 463 what the hell is going on who said kate could have my digits i can't believe she's been listening anywhere near as long as me so can i just put the record straight and say i'm 463 spartacus and that's the end of it p.s if emily ever wants a night out in suffolk with the next footballer i'm available steveacus and that's the end of it. P.S. If Emily ever wants a night out in Suffolk with the next footballer, I'm available, Steve Hubbard, and he's left his actual digits. Steve Hubbard? School number.

I remember he's more of the very old woman. And when you went round the air house, I mean you never got anything to eat. There's no lemon curd to be seen. There was nothing in, was there? Well, I suppose that's the trouble with reading out the three digits of the number. It's that some people get more than... So there's more than one person with the same number.

But there's more than one person with the same name, and we seem to be coping with that in society. Good point. Yeah? Very good point. Thanks. And well made, too, if I may say so. Shall we go to email corner?

Yes. Oh, yeah, if you like. We can sneak one in. Loving it. Here we are. I'm loving it, loving it, loving it. I'm loving it like that. Hi, Frank, DME and Alan.

Funny to hear about Frank. DME. Oh Oh Divine Miss M that's my Twitter moniker it's a Twitter handle funny to hear about Frank's witnessing of Jerry Lee Lewis assaulting a person on stage do you remember telling that story?

Yeah, a woman jumped up to kiss him and it startled him and he sort of hit her but he was a bit rough. And then he said, I'm sorry, I thought it was my ex-wife. I was a few feet away from the legendary Mickey Rooney when he did the very same thing. We had a work's out.

Oh, we saw him in Panto. Yeah, we went to Milton Keynes to see Mickey Rooney. I'd use the word confused, Frank. Well, he was 84. He was confused by the concept of Panto. Well, he was 84. Yeah, he didn't... He was confused by the concept of panto. Was he 94? He kept looking at his watch. He seemed like he wanted out.

Yeah. Anyway. And that was the watch, like, with the duration of his life. The life hand. His body clock. Yes, certainly. It's because of his body clock. About ten years ago, he was meeting a group of people after an interview when a lady reached to kiss him.

He batted away her advances, muttering, only my wife kisses me. Much to the astonishment of us all, the lady proved to be persistent and lunged for another peck. But this time, Mickey actually slapped her face, repeating her objection. Although I sympathised with his reasons it was still shocking to see a hollywood giant behave like this hollywood giant is about four foot 11

is he yeah have i got him confused is he not the one that's in the wrestler is that mickey rourke oh i've got rooney's a very different kettle ofler face Rooney's like Andy Hardy it was with Judy Garland in films in the 40s he's about 4 foot 9 is he in Skyfall

he was in a musical in the West End what was it called Babes in something Sugar Babes or something

he wasn't one of Sugar Babes I know they changed their line up a lot but Mickey Rooney was never one of them the thing is if he was in Sugar Babes he wouldn know they changed their line-up a lot, but Mickey Rooney was never one of them. The thing is, if he was in Sugar Babes now, he wouldn't be the least attractive one.

That's what's important. But no, someone... They had to do a secret understudy because he won't allow an understudy, and he discovered that this bloke was his understudy, and he confronted him in front of everyone in the green room and said, Ed, are you my understudy?

And the guy said, Yeah, me, KM. And he said, How you my understudy? And the guy said, yeah, Mick, I am. And he said, how do you understudy a legend? I love Mickey Rooney. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. You can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. Oh, yeah, we were talking before the news. We were talking about Mickey Rooney, which is quite topical of us. Yeah, Mickey, yeah. Well, he's still alive. Is he? Let's get the Mickey Rooney stuff in there before it becomes disrespectful.

let's get let's get the mickey rooney stuff in there before it becomes disrespectful uh so we uh we're on about the fact that he uh slapped a fan yeah now the famous story are you aware of farron young uh he had a hit it's four in the morning and once more he was a country and western great and he used to do this thing he used to sing i think it was called this little girl of mine a song of his and he used to get um a little girl up at the audience and and sing it with him it's like a little cheesy bit in the show and he got he got this girl up and he claimed that uh she spat at him so he put her over his knee and gave her a proper odd spanking i mean i'm staying wow and the parents uh objected and he said that she was you know ill-mannered and needed to be taught a lesson did you say spare the rod and spoil the child

i'll tell you a good thing about it. It reminded me that when I was a kid, if you were being naughty anywhere, the nearest adult... Are you familiar with the football tactic of zonal marking? Oh, yeah. I know that. You don't mark a man, you mark an area, and then whoever comes into that, you deal with it, won't you?

That's what people did with kids. So adults, we were very much a united front. Zonal physical discipline. So they were all in it together, the adults, against us, basically. So if we were in someone's garden and playing up, then the person who owned that garden could slap us. And the parents was fine with it. Yeah.

And it was much... Because you're parents, you know, they can't be everywhere. Don't say it was much better. Don't say it was much better. Well, I think it was... Why? It had moments of effectiveness, did it not? You could...

Well, you could certainly shout at children as well. You're allowed to shout at other people's kids. You're not allowed to shout at other people's kids now okay i'm not i'm not saying that hitting children is a good thing but i'm saying that zonal marking as far as discipline is concerned yes and with dogs as well if you saw two dogs having um the physicals in the street someone would get a brew and somebody get a bucket of water didn't't have to be your dog. You know, people cared more. Anyway, a little flashback to the golden years. In the Caribbean. Frank, can I just say,

there are a lot of fellow lemon curd enthusiasts here. That's not a euphemism for something disgusting. No, indeed not. Oh, that's good. It's disgusting, though. It's not even a euphemism. Lemon curd is disgusting, I find it. Well, they're all different.

Oh, horrible. One man's curd is another man's... Way. Pleasure. Yeah, way. 888, I've also had lemon curd every day this year on a variety of breads and bagels, but with a layer of peanut butter underneath.

Well, I'm making a note of that. That sounds... Peanut, yes. You are literally making a note of that that sounds peanut yes you are literally making yes i have written it down curd and peanut butter from 888 yeah and i don't normally approve of online gambling but um he knows his food stuffs sammy uh has tweeted us what about lemon curd on a digestive fab i've never tried that not on a chocolate digestive i don't mind a digestive dipped in yogurt have you ever done that no that's nice really yeah it's nice the cold and the biscuitiness it works she's going to be physically sick now my um my area of intent with yogurt has

narrowed now too i'm i'm basically Black Cherry and that's it. Really? The others, I can't... You're a Muller fan, aren't you? Oh, I thought you would be. No, I like... You normally go for the German brands, like Liadama.

Yeah, I would normally go for the German brands. I tend to go for a Rachel's. Oh, I see. They seem to be the sort of... What do they call them? Live yoghurt. Oh, yeah. But the Black Cherry is the best.

I mean, some people, they'll still eat things like mandarin. Forget about it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've actually had a text in that I, you know we don't normally read out praise on the show, really,

because it just seems a bit... Frank doesn't like praise. Yeah. Well, I like praise, but I think reading out your own praise is a bit pathetic. But we've had a text from 084 that I think it's also our civic duty to read it out. Great show. Genuinely funny. Just set up account. Does this text function work?

Thanks. Yeah. It does work. That text up account. Does this text function work? Thanks. Yeah, yeah, that text... It does work. Congratulations. That text has come in, hasn't it? So it feels like that's our civic duty to let him know that that works. It's lovely when you set up an account for anything, when you send your test email or something, it comes back, you think, that's it, we're up and running.

Yeah. I love that feeling. This is the exact delight that I wanted to give this individual, so I felt like we could break the rule on praise texts. No, that's... We're up and running. That's splendid. Frank, I'd like to discuss Nick Clegg.

OK. I agree with Nick. That was the catchphrase. On his policies? It was a long time ago, wasn't it? Do you remember that thing where they did the live debate? Oh, God, he was a star for about four days and the big catchphrase was they they all kept saying i agree with nick and

now times have changed haven't they not everyone agrees with nick and now that's showbiz love yeah but there was he must look back on those four days when he was the golden boy of british politics it's like when you're in the big brother house and everyone thinks you're amazing and then you come out and you just get exponentially less interesting. Well, I had the same thing with me dancing in my pants. For a time, people thought I was a comedy

god. Now, well, carry on. Frank? That's why the window cleaner was so engrossed as you were making yourself a sandwich oh he was hoping to hear some

finger voice I wasn't imagine if you'd have done that Frank he would have heard did I mention

I was 90 by the way but I'd had one of those you know those painting body painting things

it makes you look like you've got underwear yeah I've got that one now it's my outfit yeah I do that sometimes. If I go to the swimming baths,

I'll just paint trunks on for a bit of a laugh. Anyway. So Nick Clegg revealed this week that he is the owner... We've got a radio show, Nick Clegg. That's right, yeah, once a week. Yeah. Well, we only do it once a week. We'd say we've got a radio show

We're in the same business, us and Clegg-o Yeah Fantastic He's got a onesie He should have Clegg-o land Where kids can go and do various Nick Clegg based activities Like what?

You know, hang around with Not very nice people. Reluctantly agreeing. He owns a onesie though, Frank. But it's not just any old onesie, it's an Incredible Hulk onesie. Yeah, I must admit, I wouldn't mind an Incredible Hulk. Don't sell me one if you're in the business, because I'll buy one. But I wouldn't mind an Incredible Hulk one.

Really? Yeah. I'd be prepared to have my hair cut into that slightly inward-curving fringe to set off the Hulk thing. The Dr David Banner vibe. You know, he's got the fringe, but it looks like he's done that...

That page boy, he's got the curlers on it a bit. So it comes in. You know the problem with having an Incredible Hulk? It's a bit Birmingham Nana, that hair. Sometimes, if I don't put anything on my hair, I have a fringe that curls outwards, and it'll catch snowflakes, and it'll sit in there like it would in the eaves of a house.

Whereas with his inward-curling one, it's all good. I think you could probably put a not-too-heavy biro in there. Frank? Frank Skinner. I think you could probably put a not-too-heavy biro in there. Frank, those cyanide almonds have left a really bitter taste in my mouth. That's because they're cyanide almonds. Thanks, Sarah. We were just saying that sometimes when you're eating nuts, you get one of those ones like the worst taste you've ever had in your life.

The killer nut. You get the soap nut as well. Oh, I know the soap nut, Frank. It's just like eating soap. Yeah. What is it with nuts? Sort yourselves out. Get rid of the rebels. Otherwise, you're going to lose trade. I'm loving some of your observational material. What is it with nuts?

It's true. What's that all about? Yeah. Nuts. Very, very fresh nuts. You still get the nasty ones. Frank, Nick Clegg. Now, we were talking about him in a onesie. He said, oh, I would wear it in the privacy

of my own home. Yeah, of course he wouldn't. Oh, I think he would. Do you? I think he's the type. No. I think he... They don't... They always look wrong if they don't have a tie on politicians. You can't wear a tie and a onesie. No. Well, you could do. That would look...

Incredible Hulk on his way to a wedding. Well, that's the weird thing. An Incredible Hulk onesie. Surely you'd need to buy two onesies because you'd have to have like a ripped one over the top of the hulk one wouldn't you no you wouldn't have to but you could no you wouldn't what you're suggesting a sort of dr bruce banner yeah yeah yeah you want like a and then a whole isn't it amazing as well that when the trousers uh the trousers never go at the waist it is amazing

they're always snug at the waist, aren't they? Even the bottom doesn't pop, and the other clothes just completely disintegrate. It seems to me that, OK, he's bulked up the whole, but he's still kept the nice trim, snaky waist. He's still snake-kipped, isn't he? Yeah. He's like...

When I was in Africa in the 90s... No, I was. I was in West Africa with Comet Relief. And we went to a school, and the teacher was doing a song with the kids about a lion. And I'm going to try and do this. Is it all right to do the accent? Is it all right to do the accent, basically?

I don't know. I'm not being at all derogatory. Okay. So he saw the song goes, A lion, a lion has a tail. And the kids go, a lion has a tail. And he goes, it has a big head. And they all go, it has a big head.

And he goes, and a very small waist. And I thought, you know, that's never struck me before about a lion. You see, that's because... Suggesting it's some sort of Kardashian-type beast. But it has got a very small waist, hasn't it? It is. You feel, I feel like if I put my hands around the waist of a lion, I could possibly touch thumb and fingertips. That's how slim they are at the waist.

But because we don't see lions, you see, we don't think of the details like this. No, no. But this was obviously written by an African person who saw lions on a regular basis and thought, it's a nice waist. That's what I think about the Incredible Hulk. Carry on.

Oh, I see. So, would you boys go for a onesie? Because I, the one thing, if I can give you one piece of advice, it's this. Do go for something a bit roomy. I hate it when men buy a onesie and it's too snug. Oh, no, you don't want that. Around the sort of central reservation area.

Unless it's skeleton bones. Oh, yeah, that's acceptable. I've got two. I've got camouflage and tiger. I see you in pig, Frank. You're telling the truth at least about one of those. No, both. I think I did your teleprogram and there was a picture of you in pig, Frank. You're telling the truth at least about one of those. No, both. I did your telly programme and there was a picture of you in your onesie.

Well, obviously, I got them from the TV show. All my clothes are free from TV. I haven't bought any clothes for ages. No. Yeah. And that's why... Buzz, my son, he's got loads. I mean, he's into onesies big time.

Yeah. God, he's onesie crazy. Can I ask a question? When you wear your onesie do you wear pajamas or anything under it what's the i wear pants that's so incredible right i wear pants under it just pants yeah nothing else because that's all that's all it needs sometimes just my painted ones but i am a slave to belly button fluff so if i wore oh god honestly there will be some gathering there now that still existed I haven't had that since the 70s, really.

That's so 70s. I could put my hand in now and bring it out. It'd be like a... Do it! It'd be like a bird's nest, probably. You are kidding me. I might... Perhaps you could...

Could you save me some for in case I need a toupee later? I honestly thought that had ceased to exist. I don't know why I thought what had happened to the human being and the general state, but I haven't took anything out of my navel since 1973. Oh, there will probably be some in there. No, there isn't. Honestly,

I often, sometimes I'll put a bit of lemon curd in there and use it for donking. It's perfectly clean. Now, Nick Clegg is doing a radio show with Nick Ferrari. That's right, yeah. Surely

they're using Nick Nick as a jingle. Oh, that would be good. If they've missed a trick. I bet that'll get back to them and they'll use it this week. Oh, yeah. Obviously it's not quite the catchphrase it used to be. I wonder ifrari's got a onesie um he's putting it out there asking the question i don't think i don't think yes do you think not no i think he sits at home in a nylon shirt and tracksuit bottoms

but you know he likes a loose waistband though i must say they're very hot ones. Is there a lot hotter than you? Because they're acrylic. Anyway, on the subject of politics, I heard a short extract from a speech by Ed Miliband. I guess it was last week. And he said,

he said, I've learnt something and I've learnt it from the greatest teacher of all, the British people. And I thought, now the trouble is now, Ed, I won't be able to vote for you in the next election. I've voted Labour my whole life, but I can't vote for someone who says, I've learned that from the greatest teacher of all, the British people. Because A, you don't mean that for one second and B, you're patronising me as a member of the British people

and I'm a member of the British people do you remember we had YMCA which was a less big hit than the village people YMCA but I just, I think it's the worst thing I've ever heard said in the public domain.

Is it also not a bit grammatically questionable? The greatest teacher of all, the British people... Well, as a voice, it's a single voice. But they're a plural. Surely it should say the greatest teacher of all. The greatest teacher of all. It's all gone a bit Whitney Houston song. Yeah, a lot of them haven't had any teacher training.

Yeah. Even if they have, they're not up on the modern methods. I wouldn't be surprised if they've been CRB checked well exactly some of them wouldn't pass that

he's on the purpose I can't it's a terror I don't know what to do with myself now there's always you

Kip yeah there is absolute absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio I skinner on absolute radio

i love a bit of celebrity embarrassment as you well know it's my life so the thing i loved most this week was a show called splash which was all about celebrity embarrassment did you happen to did you see either of you well you see i did i, I got the wrong end of the stick with Splash because I just caught the last 20 minutes and I saw Omid Jalili drop from an enormously high diving board. 10 metres. I thought, this is, you know, this has taken celebrity shows to a whole new level

and it's quite a brave thing to do. And it's much more interesting than watching professionals do it. Yeah. Because when professionals die if they all look pretty much the same as it might be a slight little bit of deviation but i mean he just he looked like a bloke falling out of a flat you know he just he just spanned through the air and landed with an enormous he went for this sort of victorian strongman costume as well not the trunks not the tom daly tr trunks. But I mean, it was more, it was very courageous and very

exciting, I thought. I loved the show, I have to say. But I'm told some people just sort of jumped off those steps that you're climbing. Helen Ledger had a crash mat, which Tom Daley was holding, which deposited her into the pool. But she did it properly. You poured her into the pool?

Yeah, using a crash mat. See, I missed that bit. That didn't sound quite so breathtaking. She had a sort of bathing bell costume. She's had a difficult week because that artist accidentally painted her instead of the Duchess of Cambridge. In that big mix-up, identity mix-up thing. Oh, so she was tipped into the pool from a crash mat.

For the night, she decided she was brave and she went without the crash mat. She had an unusual style, though. That sounds like illegal tipping. In the old days, when copneys used to just put stuff in the canal. One of the things that annoys me most in the countryside is Helen Ledgerer tipping. It should be stopped. Yeah. I must say, I've got a soft spot for Helen Ledgerer.

Do you? Well, I read... No, I'm in a terrible dilemma now, because there's a Doctor Who feature on the telly, and I can't watch it because I'm working. Well, it's William Hartnell on at the moment. My favourite. Is he?

You always remember your first. Yeah, so I'm trying to keep focused. Yeah, so she wrote a lovely thing in the daily mail about about that thing and was very very um humble and about her nice i'll tell you what she was very humble because she said that uh one of the reasons she was wearing that particular outfit was to cover up her curves from the christmas carver and i was thinking carver surely you know you know, you could have had a bottle of champers at Christmas, couldn't you?

She's perhaps more frugal than me. Oh, I thought she meant like a carvery. I thought when she'd gone up for the fourth time, she thought maybe I'll go for the bigger swimming net. No, she just sounded very sweet. So, I mean, I didn't I'm going to, I think

now, look up the crash map. I think you might need'm going to, I think, now look up the crash map. I think you might need to see it. I think being tipped into the pool wasn't at all... There isn't enough of that in the Olympics, is there? People who've got nothing to do with the Olympics at all, just passing, they get tipped in. But I think we'd better get our music and then come back to this baby. Absolute, Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Frank, I'll be watching Splash again tonight. I think it's on tonight. I can't. I don't know if I'll be back in time because I'm going to a Doctor Who screening of the first ever story, An Unearthly Child, at the British Film Institute. Lovely.

With special guests. Who knows who that could be? Well. Sylvester McCoy's getting around a lot. Well, I'd be very happy to see Sylvester McCoy, then that'd be exciting. Anyway, nevertheless, I was watching over Christmas Celebrity Mastermind,

and I've also been watching the odd Pointless Celebrities, as they call it. Yeah. Which is the pointless. Why is it that celebrity programmes have to be, the questions have to be a lot easier? Seems to be a suggestion that celebrities are not as bright as the standard member of the public. Yes, I would agree with you.

Mastermind, some of the... It's like, you know when you play darts and there's like an 11-year-old and you let them stand a bit closer to the board? That's how celebrities are. They're treated like glittering fools. Is it like when they do texting questions on Daybreak and they say, what is the capital of France?

Is it A, Paris, B, cabbage? No, it's not just to make love to that. Is it that? capital of france is it a paris b cabbage no it's not just to make loads of that no but they're always like eight quid to text in and that's why that's all no it's it is definitely based on the belief that celebrities are not so bright and i find that um largely true no i don't really know that many. I wonder if it's largely true. I would exclude you from that because you've got a big old brain, haven't you, and a lot of areas of interest. You've got what I'd call a hinterland. Oh, okay.

That's what you're getting at, isn't it? Really. I mean, you'd love to go on there and just wipe the floor on the property. No, I'm thinking now, if I'm going to go on, I'm just going to join in. I'm going to do the Queen's Christmas message. Right. Because people do really small things. People do like Wind in the Willows and The Great Gatsby.

Who did Friends Season 1 and 2? The questions would be... Yes, someone did. The questions would be, who hosted the Queen's Christmas message? What season? A, the Queen, B, cabbage. Yeah, what season was the message delivered at? If there was a king,

what would the Queen's Christmas message be called? That's the sort of level we're working at. Oh, someone's texted in with the answers. Frank Stephen K. Amos did Five Star. I'm just putting that out there. Did they? Five Star? That was his special subject on Mastermind.

And My Lane Class was Sex in the City Series 2. I mean, can that be right? Anyway, that's this week's texting. Are celebrities stupid?

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Hi, I'm Frank Skinner. I'mner Absolute Radio. Hi, I'm Frank Skinner. I'm on Absolute Radio. I'm with a couple of friends of mine, Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. We've actually received a text on 8.12.15 about something that we were talking about in the last hour.

You know, we were talking about when celebrities are on 8.12.15 about something that we were talking about in the last hour. You know, we were talking about when celebrities are on celeb quizzes. Frank thinks the questions are a bit silly. A bit silly-billy. Sometimes they get easier. Someone has texted in, 851 has texted in, I would say that the questions are a bit easier because

that enables them to raise more money for the charities. Hadn't thought of that. Had you thought of that? Hadn't thought of that. Had you thought of that? I hadn't thought of that, but why not just give the money to charity and not waste us with the whole squalid pantomime? You need an element of jeopardy in there. Good point, I agree, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Humiliation is fun, isn't it? I think you want the people from the charity sitting on the edge of their seats when you start gambling recklessly. Thanks for pointing that out, 851, but you do strike me as a little bit neighbourhood watch. Well, I think it's a good point. I thank 851

from the bottom of my heart. Which is just... Oh my God, it's all gone a bit FaceTime. What's going on? I'm wondering about that fatty bit underneath the left ventricle. Yes, I'm aware of it. Right. I like to itemise my awful. Could we pop over to Email Corner?

Yeah, do you want the jingle? Yeah, I would like it. Thank you very much. Okay. Be sure and join in now. Email Corner! I cleared my throat instead of joining in. That was a bad timing.

It has some of the boho ambience of Jeff Lloyd's show, I feel. Frank, I'll kick off with what I'm going to call email two. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. When I was eight, my mother gave me the gift of five pound coins. This is bad presents, I should say. Five one pound coins. Five one pound coins sellotaped to a box of 12 Bovril cubes. And could not understand why I wasn't happy.

This is the same woman who, finding out my childhood desire to be a ninja, sent me to a ballet class. Close. Can I say that I used to eat... That's Randy. I used to eat Bovril cubes. Yes, I used to eat randy i used to eat um bottle cubes yes i used to eat oxo cubes why did we do that i don't know they were lovely and salty they were salty oh wrapping the silver foil my mouth is actually physically watering i get that when i say sometimes eat half of it and then reseal it in the silver foil and keep it for later. That was lovely.

Couldn't do that without Keith around. He was like a pig after truffles with a Bovril square. They were lovely because the spit sort of in your mouth made Bovril. You know what I mean? You made sort of me Bovril, a me Bovril cocktail with my own saliva. And we got texts saying that I had upset people and put them off their breakfast when I was talking about my belly button fluff

and how I'm a slave to it. No, but that's a different world altogether. I think there's something lovely about... I don't know if people still eat them. Oh. Well, I'm 100% with you, Frank. I'd love to knock, so... Well, the thing I like about this chat's email is...

It's also the 12. It's like, what? If it's a Christmas present, you have one. You can open one every day... It's also the 12. It's like, what? It's a Christmas present. You have one. You can open one every day for the 12 days of Christmas. Like Advent Bovril. I don't... I'll tell you what I don't like. He says, could not understand why I wasn't happy. So he displayed his unhappiness when receiving a gift.

He did the, hmm, is this what you've got? No. £5 coins attached to 12 bovril cubes. He's confident, isn't he? He was only eight, to be fair. He was only 12 months past age of reason. Yeah. He didn't know.

Surely he could have put that money in stocks, couldn't he? Oh! There we go, there we go. I knew I'd get there in the end. You had the little ramp up. I knew you were. Little Evel Knievel ramp up. What a character you are.

And who didn't want to be a ninja? Who didn't want to be a ninja when they were a kid? What a great thing to want to be. This wasn't... Is this the guy who wanted a flamethrower for Christmas? Yes. Yes, he said, in all fairness, for that particular Christmas, I had asked for a flamethrower.

I must admit, I used to dream of a flamethrower. It was one of my dream things to have. It's not a classic ninja weapon, though, is it? No. Throw in star. you can see it. I really like the idea of one, a backpack flamethrower. I'm not talking about taking out a Viet Cong village. I'm talking about just on waste ground to see how far you can send the flames.

But I did have a go with a high-power hose, and it was a very similar experience. Was it? That is brilliant. Man, you can feel the power going through that robber. They're on the news a lot at the moment. What a night that was. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I believe we're still in email corner, so I will continue that. Frank, lovely M and Al. Hmm. As a podcast listener, here's my late contribution.

Now, this is in terms of before Christmas, we were discussing strange gifts that we'd received, so when he says late contribution. This is not a mother-in-law joke, but my MIL is legendary in the gift department. From the local Army and Navy store. I love an Army and Navy store. I haven't been in one of those for ages.

I hope they don't go. I hope they don't die out in the new high street that we're getting through recession. Because where else are we going to get a gas mask or a flame travel? The thing is, there's not as much spare military equipment around as there used to be. I think they're actually going to shops in Afghanistan and trying to buy sort of camouflage onesies because they don't have enough equipment.

Bit of politics. Well, this chap... I really enjoyed that. Yeah, it was satirical in the extreme. This chap was given two high-vis parachute landing markers about three metres long. He says, I've never jumped out a plane, nor intend to. Prior to that, I had some clothes softener

and three used shuttlecocks. My wife... I have to say, those markers, though, if you're getting up in the night, you could lay them between your bed and the en-suite. Oh, that would be good. Yeah, you know where you're going. Like a little strip light.

Do you know if you're a bit... You know, wake up a bit drowsy. Yeah. I, that would be good. Yeah, you know where you're going. Like a little strip light. You know if you're a bit in a wake up a bit drowsy. Yeah. I'd be glad at that. I've never jumped... My wife, her own daughter got a wine cork engraved with the letter C. Her name is Sally. That'll be C for cork.

Yes, I think you're right, Frank. That'll be part of a home literacy kit. She'll probably get the other letters out over the next 25 years. Father-in-law isn't any better. One year buying all male family members from son to distant cousins a copy of the 99p classics such as Great Expectations.

That's good. I think that's a great book. Judgey not. Teach the masses for 99p and all female members from only daughter to distant nieces a pen. Yeah, teach the masses for 99 pence and all female members from only daughter to distant nieces a pen. The profits at the local petrol station booms that year. There's profits at the local petrol station?

I doubt it. Very religious area. Most of the profit would have been in fuel, wouldn't it? I like the sound of his view of gender though. He sees the women as the active members. Yes, they need the pen. Writing. Men sit about reading. Yeah, the women as the active members. Yes, they need the pen. Writing. Men sit about reading. Yeah, the women actually produce the material. Sounds like a good

world to me. It's a shame they got divorced, they were made for each other. Great show. It's a sort of light-hearted radio show. It's gone right down to... He says, great show. Night's moved to you all if you ever find yourselves in Toulouse with nowhere to go.

I've been in Toulouse. I went out with someone who lived in Toulouse. We were at a Toulouse end. That's absolutely. That's extraordinary. It's a bit forced, but there's something in it, isn't there? Yeah, let me see now. I went on a long walk round there.

A sort of a Toulouse-le-trek. Oh. But we're all right, because we shared a, a sort of a Toulouse or a trek but we're alright because we shared a flat but we had to lose this will never end you can do one, there's nothing to lose it feels like it'll oh I'm going to cry I'm going to leave it there I like that one

you know what will happen now is the listeners will send in 5 million 5 million that'd be good I'm exaggerating You know what happened there was the listeners all sending five million. You count on that. Five million. That'd be good. I'm exaggerating. I seem, I've become a bit of a Toulouse canon. Oh, God. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I've been reading about the best job in the world. Okay. Now, you may consider that to be, for example, presenting a fashion show with Got Kwan called Would You Wear This? I believe it was a TV format idea you once had.

I think this is the best job in the world. What about that? But apparently the best job in the world is being paid to be a water slide tester. Oh, that. Did you read about that? But apparently the best job in the world is being paid to be a water slide tester. Oh, that. Did you read about that? Yes, I did, yes. You travel around the world testing them at various holiday parks.

Europe, I think. Yes. Oh, yeah, it was Europe, wasn't it, principally? Oh, is it just Europe? I thought you were just expressing a keenness for the band. No, you don't want to be testing the flumes worldwide. I think you'll find that there's a lot of Legionnaires knocking around in the spray.

So it travels, isn't it, by spray? It is by water spray. Yeah, you can imagine you'd be dicing with it. If they'd let me go with one of those, what they call pro-lipopoline anti-infection suits, if they'd let me do it in that, but I think that might distress the holidaymakers. Yeah, worry about that there's a man going there do you have to go down the uh the shoots do you have to go down in like a suit with a clipboard if you have a clipboard in the picture

in the article the bella with big boots on yeah with your normal you know with a proper smart suit on and a tie well i wondered if the because Well, I wondered if the... Because he's going around the year... It's a whole year of going on water slides. Does he... Oh, did you say he? Well, exactly. I think the days of advertising a job like that might well be behind us.

OK. All right. Well, the person who did it last was a he, wasn't it? Could be anyone. Could be Helen Nedra. She's got a crash mat. Well, I suppose that is a sort of a crash yes it's the park that they're visiting at the time that they're doing their slide is it open

because uh it sounds like a dream job but then when you factor in the queuing that would you wouldn't have to queue if he was there in an official capacity surely not you think he's allowed to leapfrog the queue oh yes i should, I should think. It'd be like when Elvis used to hire a fairground and just take a few close friends. Oh, would it? Yeah, that's what I imagine. Do you think he has rupees, the slide man? Rupees?

Rupees. Yeah, well, I hope so. That would be lovely. I also think, I have a sense you could pick up illnesses from being in water slides that often. Well, it's statistical likelihood of getting a verruca's gone through the roof. I mean, I'd be happy with a verruca. I mean, I'm in about all sorts of bacteria dwelling there.

All sorts. I mean, you're sitting there. Dirty old dads in that pool. You're going down on your behind. Uh-huh. I have to say, Frank. Some people go on their belly, obviously not... I think anyone that does it...

The cockerel can't go down on his belly, obviously not... I think anyone that does it... The cockroach can't get out on his belly as he gets all tangled up. Well, this is true. I don't like slides on terra firma. They're one of my worst fears. Oh, really? Slides?

I've always had an incident of some sort. I tend to not make it down to the bottom. I don't know if it's Kardashian issues, but I can't get perches. I can't gain momentum properly. Yeah, and the big kids spit on them as well. I don't like the legs flailing around. It's so undignified.

I am. Grown adults. I used to. What about those spare tyres that people go down on? How dare you? When I used to drive to West Brom games from Birmingham. I think it would be from Birmingham. It actually might have been from London.

Yeah, that's where you're from, darling. Yeah, I didn't drive to games in Birmingham. When I first moved be from Birmingham. I actually might have been from London. Yeah, that's where you're from, darling. Yeah, I didn't drive to games in Birmingham. When I first moved to London, I used to pass on the motorway, there was a sign for a place called Billing Aquedrome. Have you ever heard of it? No. It was sort of near

Northampton, if you think. And every time I passed it, if I didn't feel I was happy in whatever relationship I was in, I would sing, Beeling, Beeling, Aquadrome. And I did that every time I passed it until I met someone and felt happy and in love. And then when that relationship started to go a bit wrong, there'd be that point where as I got near it, I thought I have to decide now whether I feel this relationship is going well or not.

And sometimes at the very last minute I'd go, billing, billing, Aquadrome. Thus establishing that there was trouble at home. Strangest thing I've ever heard. Is it? You are a creature of habit, aren't you? So the text in is, what are your

psychological base billing Aquadrome songs? This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. We were talking about the best job in the world. So-called. This person that goes and tests out slides. Not in my book. Best job in the world is Vince Cable's intern.

Best job in the world. Totes, amazeballs, I'd do that. I mean, I'm not a massive rollercoaster fan or anything like that, but I am partial to a water slide. I think they're OK. Yeah, but would you want to do it day in, day out? No, no. For a start, the queuing, and I think...

I think they'd be chafing. I do. They'd be chafing, but thankfully, you know, some of them, they give you those little mats that you can go down, almost like a welcome mat. Yeah, Helen Ledger. If I go down on my belly, my belly button fluff just forms a natural... Mat?

Natural slide mat. But the person has to give them advice on making the slides better. How long's that going to last? You know, keep it clean, make it slippier. That's it, isn't it? Well, I don't know, you might wonder. Is there anything more to say? You might, keep it clean, make it slippier. That's it, isn't it? Well, I don't know. You might wonder. Is there anything more to say? You might say not enough left turns. Too many left turns.

Not enough left turns. Well, I don't know. I mean, I'm not... You know, I've only just learned to swim. Still, I haven't really done a water slide. Yeah. I just... People always talk about these jobs, like the dream jobs.

There's one where you have to look after some island or something. Do you remember that? Oh, right, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes. Why are they dream jobs? Because you get where you have to look after some island or something. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. Why are they dream jobs? Because you get to wear your trunks. Yeah, but in this case you get to wear trunks and a high-vis jacket, I expect. Frank, we've had

an email in with the subject line Billing Aquadrome. Does it still exist? Only good can come of this. This is from Alan. He says, Hi, I used to go there in the 70s, outskirts of Northampton. Old quarry. Bought a little boat there. Skidded on the grass

there in my Triumph Spitfire and ended up in the quarry with the boat resting on the roof and the car hanging on by its rear axle. Strange tyre tracks left into the lake. Only just got out. Great place. There you go. Well, it's a perfect symbol for a failing relationship. A car trapped under a boat. The thing is, if you just sit the boat on there and think, well, it's a perfect symbol for a failing relationship. A car trapped under a boat.

The thing is, if you just sit the boat on there and think everything's fine. Not now that the car's operating as some sort of a rodder. I'm glad. Does it still exist? That's what I'd like to know. I don't know. Text in on 8.15 if billing aquadrome still exists. What is an aquadrome? You're looking at me searchingly. I don't know, Frank. 8, 12, 15. Out of everyone in this room I'm least likely to know what an aquedrome is.

It sounds like some sort of water-based racing. If a hippodrome is horse racing, a velodrome is cycle racing. An aquedrome must be water racing. Maybe. Somebody's actually emailed a question. I think based on your saying that there was a general dumbing down in celeb quizzes. And it sounds like a headline, doesn't it? Celeb quizzed. Somebody's texted, emailed rather, 70s wrestlers. Hi, Frank, what was the name of the masked wrestler from the world of sport?

Yes. And for a Brucey bonus, what was his manager's name? Well, his name was Kendo Nagasaki. Oh, Frank! I have a feeling that his manager might have been Gorgeous George. Oh, well. But Kendo Nagasaki was... He's not put the answer.

He was painted by Sir Peter Blake, you know, the guy who painted the Sgt Pepper. Big wrestling fan. Yeah. Yeah. I remember when Kendo was unmasked. Was it like the steak being unmasked? Well, it was weird,

because he had white eyes with no pupils in them. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know how they did that. But it was a talking point at St Hubert's school on Monday morning, let me tell you that. He put it back on. We didn't have a water cooler.

You had a panda-cola cooler. We had free milk in those days, of course. Yeah, think on that, Nick Clegg. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had quite a lot of texts about billing Aquadrome. Possibly, predictably, possibly not. Is it still operational?

Well, a lot of them are saying, yes, billing Aquadrome's still there, but they're not saying what it is, but... Yeah, Dave the Hot Rod fan says it's very much operational. Is he? And, yeah, we've had an explanation of what it is. Hi, Frank, Emily and Cock-a-leeky. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Cock-a-leeky?

I'm not sure how I feel about that. What's happened? The joy of the surname Cochrane is that it lends itself very well to many variations, doesn't it? Yes. An aquadrome is a lake environment where peeps may sail, fish, water ski, look at waterfowl, admire the aquatic scenery and the like.

A fun day out for all the family. Oh, no racing. There is an especially good one in Rickmansworth. Ahoy, hoy. Yeah, but, you know, I don't feel Rickmansworth Aquadrome is pertinent to my relationships on the state of. I'm still reeling from cock-a-leeky.

There's a good joke from 990 who's saying, if the Billing Aquadrome is in Northampton, where is the free one? See what he's done? Billing Aquadrome. Very good. Like it. And lots of people just saying it's still there, it's still there. Yes, it's still there.

It has been quite a significant thing in my life, though, as far as judging my heart, the state of my heart. Someone's saying, yes, Billing Aquadrome's still there. I pass it when I go racing at Bradfield. Very good Chinese eatery there, by the way. OK, I'll bear that in mind. That's the sort of added value I respond to. I like the word eatery as well.

Yes, I do. So, we must at some point this morning talk about one of the biggest stories of the week. It's this list of house rules that the landlord got a bit nervous about.

Yeah, you think it's a celeb quiz. Oh no, I saw the landlord story. The landlord from hell. Well, we should explain, shouldn't we, that a young woman, I think, what is she, an actress? She's an actress, but let's not lie, she's become more famous for having viewed a flat and then put these house rules on Twitter. If only my mother had done that back in the 60s.

You can say that about so many things potentially she was going to uh move into this place so her landlord gave her a tight list yeah i think what happened was she viewed the place and then uh right at the end of viewing it and thinking the guy was normal and not crazy and weird, he gave her this list and said, oh, these are the house rules. Read those. You have to abide by them. And they're ridiculous. They include things like showers cannot last longer than 15 minutes. Hold on a minute, though.

Because I read this. Oh, here we go. Who would spend more than 15 minutes in a shower? Everyone. No. No. No way. Unless you're in the fetal position in one corner sobbing

which i will accept but i get in wash rinse get out oh you're gonna do your prison scrub in that time look you spent 15 minutes on one foot frank sandy mason my uh my mother-in-law she has a thing on her on her shower which it runs for i think eight minutes and it cuts out oh that's right and um i have never i've never hit the eight never 31 house rules yeah everyone perfectly reasonable what dishes left in the sink will result in a charge of 15 pounds being added to your friend yes it's a shared house don't leave dishes in the sink i result in a charge of £15 being added to your rent. Yes, it's a shared house. Don't leave dishes in the sink.

I've lived with people like that. He says at the end of it, and I quote, rules are here for a reason, so everyone lives without problems. That's lovely. And that's true of rules generally. This actress, you know, actress... That's an Eastern European dictator. I bet you she's the sort of woman who thinks it's all right

to use a smartphone in a pub quiz. And that is what has brought this nation to its knees. OK, well, let's assume that you agree with all the rules. I have question marks about the ordering of the rules. I think he's typed this once, not read it back and just sent it. Like, he's printed it off and gone, OK. Because you've got rule number 30, no drugs or illegal stuff in the house.

Well, I'm out. If so, a deposit will be lost and you need to vacate premises. That's number 30. Yeah. Number one, no pork ever in the house or fridge. Now, if you're worried about the law, why are you so worried about the first rule? I think you'll find, surely, that that is a religious law,

that this man is either a Muslim or a Jew. I don't think that is the case. I'm sure it is. He's not a saint. He's not like a random thing. He's not like saying, no, Rai Vita. Or Germaline. I wouldn't put it past him.

No, I think that's fair. So to him, what he's saying is the laws of God mean more to him than the laws of the land. How rare is that now? No cooking longer than 15 minutes. What if you're doing a two hour crock pot? You could be all roast dinner. It's perfect.

Because I love a stew. Yeah. No, it's fine. You put the saucepan on, you have a shower, you get back, dinner. 11 minute shower. I could live happily in this man's house. This is you. This is the, basically. I think this is you.

This is the modern world versus the old world. That's what this is about. Oh, no, man, there's, like, rules, and we have to, like, you know, we have to wash up. You know, I've got a casting. Oh, have you? Well, why don't you live with your parents? Well, imagine how many ukuleles you would get through if you didn't abide by Rule 17.

Do not leave personal belongings in communal areas. All belongings must be kept in rooms, otherwise it will get thrown out as I will take it as junk. Well, I would keep it in my room, that's fair enough. You'd just abide by it. I'd say... 23. Every week, £5 will go towards communal toiletries and toilet roll,

as how I feel. I mean, five a week? Beautiful. As how I feel. What's he getting, the quilted stuff? I hope so. I won't settle for IZEL at five. Too shiny.

OK, it's all right for tracing. But aside from that, look, we must move on. Can I just say, if ever I need a flat, I'm phoning this man. I'm off to a... Oh, just think. Oh, I've had an afternoon of Doctor Who nostalgia. How wondrous. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening. We love you all. Goodbye. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.