The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Family Things

Episode Date: December 8, 2012

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week, Frank, Emily and Alun discuss family rituals, dog therapy and the Pope on Twitter.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Text us on 81215. Follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. You won't. I know you won't. They will. I'm not giving you the op. Because someone's already tweeted us. Have they? Yes. In what context? Clive Middleditch. I like him. I'm glad that'll be a pick your way through that one. He says, Frank, you're into Merlin, aren't you? Answer me this.

Why does Arthur always wear his chainmail around the house? That's a very good question, actually. He does always wear. He wears a bit of shoulder proper armour and a big chainmail suit. Why doesn't he change into his nice snuggly trackies like we do? He should have some linens or something like that. Well, he wears a... Yeah, but you're right, though. He does wear that.

Do you know what? I'm not right. I've never seen it. I'm speaking to Middleditch. There were different times, though. Maybe he's just got a... Harry Potter? I can't remember his first name, sorry. Why? All I remember is he's written by George Eliot.

Maybe he's just suspicious. He thinks that one of his own staff might go for him and he keeps the kit on. Well, it turns out, you know... Uh-oh. Spoiler alert. Yeah. Let's put it this way.

There's enemies very close to home at the moment. Oh, OK. Thanks to the intervention of Morgana. Oh, yeah. Merlin, those Merlin updates throughout the show for you there. Can I say that... If we keep any listeners. And also, Merlin himself

basically dresses like someone in a boy band. He's paying almost no respect at all to the fact that this is supposed to be like the Dark Ages, as they were known. Has he gone to the Antidote shop? He wears like a swang jacket. It's like they've thought we want to make him a bit of a sex symbol.

We don't want to dress him up old-fashioned. No one will notice. I have to say that a lady called Emmeline sent me a mocked-up photograph this week, having heard of my passion for the Merlin TV show, showing Merlin and Gies, is it Gies? Gies. And the Richard Wilson character pointing at and admiring a poster of me on a wall, which they've mocked up.

So thanks for that. I appreciate it. Close I'll ever get to being in it, of course, because wall, which they've mocked up. So thanks for that. I appreciate it. Close I'll ever get to being in it, of course, because it's been pulled. Yeah. I'd like to start the show with a query, if I may. I arrived this morning. I'm always first. And I've got a bit of a throat, I'll be honest with you. Have you?

It doesn't come out quite as sexy as Emily's. It just hurts. So I had a, I had a Lemsip. I got, um, Sarah to, uh, make one for me. Obviously I'm using a taster. Sarah the Poisoner. Sarah the Poisoner. I know, yeah. But, um, I always say if ever I get anyone to make me a Lemsip, be it, um, a person I'm working with or be it my girlfriend or whatever, I'll always say, don't put boiling water in it. Because it says, don't put boiling water.

Really? Why is that? This is news to me. My theory is there's something in Lemsip that will be killed by boiling water. Something vital. Right. But somebody said to me, no, no no it's just because boiling water is quite dangerous and i said hold on surely tea bags would have on them don't use boiling water because it's

very hot it's about as hot as it gets yeah so if anyone knows if anyone can tell me why you don't put boiling water in Lemsip, I'd love to know. I'd be much obliged. Yeah, I would be much obliged. I would be your... As Derek Okora says to the spirits. Your humble and obedient servant. He does say that. He says that, yeah.

Okay, so that's the first text in. Why can't I put boiling water in Lemsip? Doesn't seem fair. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was at a party last night, my first Christmas party of the year. Now, how would you interpret this? A man came up to me and said, do you remember me?

And I said, no. Depends on the year. If it was the early 90s, you've had it. No, no, it was more recent. I said, no, I don't know who you are. And he said, well, you know, I produced the show that you did. Uh-oh. Hank, did you actually say, no, I don't know who you are?

Yeah. Oh. Well, he asked me if I knew who he was. It was a straight, you you know there's no way out can't go lying can you i couldn't say will i do and i don't and of course what i really couldn't say is well who wants to know um anyway so um he said and i and of course i did know him but i said god you look you look much better oh my god oh i think that's a good tactic

that no it's true though yeah but i said for future reference i said honestly i said of course you know i remember it but i said but i didn't recognize you look much better you know your hair looks better you look slimmer you look great you commented on his hair. Yeah. He said he didn't look much better. Was it a weave? I don't know. Like Wayne Rooney. And, no, you know, he looked great. And I thought that's, you know, that's the best possible reason for not remembering, recognising somebody. Yeah.

And he said, well, my wife did a runner, so I thought I'd better make a bit of an effort. Oh, God. And I said, oh, well, every cloud. And... You actually said that. I did, yeah. What else can you say to that? I suppose it's better than...

Oh, I don't know. How about I'm sorry to hear that? That might have done. Or too little too late. Instead of every cloud. And then... Now she's gone, you're looking good. Do you think you've got this the wrong way

around no but then after i i thought on the way back i suddenly thought well maybe that wasn't maybe yeah well there was a lol in the sat nav and it just it just came to me i've spent time with my partner every cloud no but well he said my wife did a runner, was what he said. And I thought, well, hold on a minute. Here I am beating myself up. Maybe his wife just did a runner. Maybe they were in a restaurant and his wife did a runner. And him being a bit overweight and that, couldn't keep up.

And the waiter grabbed hold of him and he had to pay. So since then, he's gone on a fitness regime. Whatever gets you through the night, if it helps you sleep better, to think maybe that's what happened. He might have meant that. He might have meant that, I think. I feel ill.

Well, anyway. And... Frank, we do have... We've solved the Lemsip boiling water question. Oh, brilliant. What is it? Well, I can... I asked, in case you've just tuned in, Lem Sip, boiling water question. Brilliant. What is it? Well, I can...

I asked, in case you've just tuned in, I asked why you can't put boiling water in Lem Sip. There's a big warning on the packet. Actually, it's quite a small warning. Do you think there's people now that did just tune in going, oh, I missed that. I think there's people tuning in that's had a cold for seven years and they're thinking, well, I'm spending 80 quid a week

on Lemsip, it's not doing anything. And now they know why. Laura from London exclusively reveals that... I love Laura from London. She says, hi, Frank. I think boiling water kills the effects of vitamin C. I remember reading about it in a scurvy book. Oh.

I haven't read a scurvy book for years. Not since I was with Bluebeard. I worked with him as a cabin boy. You've worked with them all, haven't you? Yeah. He was fierce when he was roused, but, you know, he had a soft side to him, Bluebeard. At night he'd sit around and tell us tales of his... You know, he'd been a cabin boy himself and worked with some ruthless characters.

But he had some quite funny stories. So when you read about Bluebeard, how terrible he was, I'm just saying there was a human side. He was all right with me. Is what I'm saying. Wasn't there a murderer called Bluebeard as well? Is that the next text in?

We've done them in C. I know who he is. If I remember rightly, there was a mass murderer called... Yes, I thought that's who you were referring to. And I was on about the original Bluebeard. Oh, OK. A pirate captain. But the...

Bluebeard was one of the ladies as well. Yeah. I believe in court, if I remember rightly. They asked... There's a quote when Bluebeard said, how do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm a murderer, not a mathematician. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I was walking along the banks of the River Thames. Is this a poem? No, it's a... It's got an air of something being deployed. I'm going to call it an anecdote. Oh, excellent. And there was a family.

They looked very much like a family. There was like a male and female of a similar age and three much younger people. And French is what I'm saying. They sounded French to me. They could have been Belgian, I suppose. They might have been Walloons. Nevertheless, they were...

It was ten o'clock, and Big Ben was just playing it. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. And as it began, they went... And then they fell about laughing like it was the funniest thing that had ever happened, ever. I felt a bit left out, I'll be straight with you.

And I thought, it seemed to me that it was, you know these things that families, every family's got their sort of in-jokes and their things that they do that no one else gets. Your sort of signature thing, yeah. You know, sometimes if you start going out with someone, you go into their family and you discover these strange in-jokes that they've got and stuff like that.

Now, I could be wrong. Somebody will text in and say, oh, no, there's a popular French pop song to the tune of... HE SINGS I remember reading about the bloke who wrote that tune. Actually, it was actually composed. I think he was from Cambridge. And the fact that a bloke thought,

oh, no, let me see now, da-na-na-na, da-na-na-na. What do I want to do for the second half? What about da-na-na-na, da-na-na-na? Yeah, that'll do. So anyway, I have a theory about these in-jokes. I think that some of the world's great comedy might be hidden away in the secret vaults of families. In the same way that on Antiques Roadshow,

someone goes and they say, my grandmother had this up the attic for years. Little undiscovered gems. That sounded a bit ruder than I meant it to. It's my grandfather's mommy fight. No! The family have kept

these great art treasures and no one knew about it and then suddenly they're loads on telly. And what I would like any listeners, if you've got've got any in jokes or things that you always do let us know i'm feeling a bit like a radio presenter but i'm gonna do it anyway because we always had stuff like my things that my dad always said not even jokes just you see the other day um my i call her my mother-in-law although uh Catherine and I aren't actually married. Yeah, Sandy. She bought me a pair of cufflinks. Oh, that was nice, Frank. What was that in aid of?

Well, I've just had my ears pierced. And I'm looking for something a bit chunkier. Lovely. I find a lot of the earrings on the market are very, very fine. Lovely. I find a lot of the earrings on the market are very, very fine. So, now, what they were, they're little books. Oh, nice. And they're leather covers, and you can open them and they've got pages.

Wow. That sounds really good. She said to me, I've got you these, do you want me to fill the pages in? I said, no. And she said, I was going to put some of your sayings on there. And I thought, hold on a minute. I said, hold on, what sayings?

And she said, you know, you've got loads of sayings. I like you. You've turned into some Prince Philip character. The wit and wisdom. I don't think I have any sayings. And Kat says, well, you've got loads of sayings. You have got loads of sayings. I think you've got loads of sayings.

I'm worried I'm going to become one of those dads that have sayings and cats oh you've got loads of saying you have got loads of things i'm worried i'm going to become one of those dads that have sayings you are a collection of sayings face so anyway i asked her to leave them blank because i like to think that my my whole work life has been about the anxiety of the blank page so i've left it like that also how big are they that she can fill them in well they're quite i quite, I would say they're around about a square centimetre. Alright. To put a full saying on, she's going to need to be like one of those people that can write a name

on a grain of rice or something, surely. Yeah, or it used to be Jesus' head on the head of a pin was a popular one. Yeah. It was in the court of Herod. So, yeah, so my dad... I'll play that in a minute, stop staring at me.

My dad used to do this thing. If ever Cary Grant was on the telly... Oh, yeah. Oh, lovely. If ever there was a film with Cary Grant, off on a Sunday afternoon, the bee-blah-blah, and the name would come up, Cary Grant, my dad would say, Cary Grant from the dad would say, Cary

Grant from the slums of Bristol. Like it was a sort of a slightly attackless chat show host introducing a guest. And he always said it. Somebody, if it was in the paper about Cary Grant, he'd say, oh, there you go, Cary Grant, from the slums of Bristol. Yes! I don't even know if he was from the slums of Bristol, but I mean, stuff like that, where you just say the same stuff all the time. It's a bit like this show. This is

Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, you were talking earlier about little family sort of sayings and traditions. Yeah, family rituals. You were also getting quite cross because you kept saying, I don't have sayings. I still don't think I have any sayings. And then you went sure up about it, which is your saying.

Anyway. I didn't like the edge to that anyway. Tony Golby has emailed us to say, on the way back from a football match, when the theme tune to Sports Report comes on, we weave the car from side to side in time to the theme tune. My dad did it, I do it, and now my son does it. That's brilliant.

Yeah, that's great. That's, uh... Is it that one? It's quite jolly, isn't it? Whatever the tune is, I can't do it. But you can see why it would work. It's a really famous piece. How can we not know it?

It's a very rousing piece of sports music. That's brilliant, but I don't know. Can I say that the official line of Absolute Radio is that you should never drive your car in a weaving line? No. Even in the countryside when you're drunk. Yeah. OK.

We have, Frank, coming from a theatrical family, as you know I do, did... You're art and crafts, aren't you? We're very arts and crafts. So as you can imagine, we are basically just a collection of sayings. That's sort of all we are, really. We don't really connect other than to quote things at each other. One of our favourites,

and it was an old actor friend of my mother's who first said this, if you hear plates dropping or something, crockery or something, and you're in a restaurant, we say, trouble in the wings, dear. Oh, I like that. We say that a lot, yeah. Whereas when I worked in a pub in Merfield, West Yorkshire, as a teenager, someone dropped a glass, then old Yorkshire men would go, sack the juggler.

Yeah. It really, really annoyed me. Yeah. I've heard comedians on stage say that when someone's dropped it. Oh, Trouble in the Wings, dear, is nice. Do you like it? I like it, yeah. I watched Bradley Walsh the other night on the Royal Variety performance,

and he told the story about Tommy Cooper and the FA Cup final. Did he really? Well, have a cup of tea on me. Oh, have you got any tickets, madam? Yeah. Retro. Yeah, innit? Innit?

I had a mate whose dad... Now, this is a confusion to me, so perhaps you can help me and clear this up. Whenever they watched tennis in their house, because nowadays everybody watched Wimbledon, you just did. Yes. Even if you had no interest in it the rest of the year. You know when they surf and the ball hits the net?

Yeah. They would go, net! And his dad would say, bygones be bygones. And what really confused me about it was I thought they said net. I thought somebody went net. So I'm sitting in their house and they go net, bygones be bygones. And I think, what's going on? Is this a da-da-ist poem being composed?

But they say let, do they? They do say let. They do say it. Well, if it hits the net and goes over, they're saying let. And it lands in, yeah. I mean, I sat with him once, probably 20 minutes was in the house. He probably said it about nine times. I like that.

I like the total lack of inhibition about repetition as well. The idea that he didn't think, well, that's enough now. That's enough bygones be bygones. I have the thing where when my son is having breakfast, he'll quite often have two different cereals in the bowl and I'll say to him, what are you having for breakfast today? And he'll be like, oh, I've got shreddies and, you know, whatever. What are they called? The rice poppy ones?

Oh, rice crispy. Well, golden browns. Those ones, yeah. They love a mixture, right? Okay, Captain Crunch. Every time that I'm up, I will say to him and my wife, do you know what? I never had mixtures. I never had two different cereals in the bowl when I was growing up. We just never thought of it. And so now, and it's true, we never thought of it. Either that or we never had two different types of cereal in the house.

I don't know what it was. We might do it if we was finishing off a box. Really? Yeah, if we was finishing off a box and we had a new cereal arriving. Oh, lucky you, we were always finishing off the dinner party from last night. We didn't have breakfast. At least you had dinner. Breakfast of vol-au-vent.

Cold vol-au-vent. But yeah, every day I will say, I never had mixtures when I was a little boy. And he'll go, we know! That's now a thing. See, that's it, you've become one of those dad sayings. Yeah, I'm fine with it. I'm thinking of not letting it...

I say, what happens... They grow organically, these dad sayings. I'm thinking of maybe getting together with some comedy writers. And getting some really polished up... Try them out in a few clubs, you know what I mean, get them right. And then, I would do that, but I hate comedy writers.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been discussing, sort of, what are we calling it, family sayings, really. Yeah. This is one of my favourites. This is in from Peter.

He says, hi, guys, since Titanic came out years ago, I started putting a line of sugar on the froth of my coffee. And with the kids, we shout, Jack, rules, Jack, until the sugar disappears into the cup. This still endures today even though the kids are 18, 21 and 28. I know this is a legacy that my children will pass on.

But this is what I mean about hidden art treasures in the family attic. I think if you were watching Jack and Harry is that what it's called? Jack and Paul Harry and Paul. If you were watching that and they did that and there were watching that and they did that and there was two characters and they did that

you'd laugh wouldn't you? there you go we've also had Jane Ward who has emailed in saying hi Frank on your subject of family must do's if we hear the word phenomenon in a conversation or on the radio slash TV we have to sing the word

phenomenon to the tune of the Muppets theme tune. Try it. Is that phenomenon? Not that one. That's phenomenon. Do-do-do-do-do. Phenomenon. Yeah.

Yeah. I can understand that. We had a similar thing with Steve McManaman. Did you? Yeah. McManaman. Do-do-do-do-do. McManaman.

There's people joining in in their cars as they're going about their business. I'd like to think that Steve McManaman is listening to that. Oh, I hope so. I'm thinking I'm going to get that orchestrated and put it on my website. Or his ringtone. What comes up when you go up and down. It's his phone ringtone.

Yeah, it could. Yeah. Me and my brothers have a thing. It's not a tune or anything, but when my brothers were out on a night out in Huddersfield one night um a very drunk girl was shouting at her boyfriend uh and I think she was saying go away but she was saying get your sen off get your sen off and so my brother said get your sen off and she turned around and now it's become a catchphrase and I'm going to

take out a swear word that she included but she apparently turned round to my brother and went you get your sen off and why don't you get yourself a face transplant while you're about it. So now we quite often would phone each other up and just say sen off and leave a message saying sen off. You've abbreviated it. It's gone really abbreviated and face transplant. I'm glad you've pared it down.

Well we had to pare it down. And get yourself a face transplant is just a thing that we say to each other all the time now. I'm glad you're not friends with Isabel Denoir. It was pretty much the early days of the face transplant, and maybe she was being topical. Perhaps it was topical humour on the streets of Huddersfield later. Yeah? Yeah. Street theatre, maybe? Was it during the Huddersfield later. Yeah? Yeah. Street theatre, maybe?

Was it during the Huddersfield Festival of Arts? I don't think so. OK. I think it was during the... I did a lot of good work there. Did you? 778. In the 70s, if we went to a wedding or any church function

and the priest said, Amen, my dad would say out of the side of his mouth, Andrews. Amen. Amen. I should explain that I'm an andrews was a was a presenter in the 60s and 70s can i say i love that dad yeah i actually love that i'm an andrews um who had a hit with the shifting whispering sands which is one of those spoken songs that you never get anymore which

began i discovered the valley of the shifting whispering sands whilst prospecting for gold in one of the western states. I remember. Anyway, he was commentating on the boxing and he himself was an amateur boxer. So it's on the BBC. So he commentates on a couple of fights and then a new commentator steps into the seat

there's a bit of shuffling and then he comes out and fights. Wow. Amen. Oh man, that wouldn't happen again let's face it. Any other texts? Oh yeah. Well actually I've got one of, this is one of my own, this isn't a text but I'd like to share this with you. Okay. Which is again

Can you text it in? Yeah, okay. I've done it now. Okay. You is, again... Can you text it in? Yeah, okay. I've done it now. Okay, you've got my money. Are you happy? My mother says, when she's being an actress, she says, when she's in the post office or anywhere where there's a sort of automated tannoy system, once she was in the post office and I was on the phone to her

and I heard, cashier number four, please. And she went, sorry, darling, I'm on. So we say that every time. Sorry, darling, I'm on. Sorry, darling, I'm on. So we say that every time. Sorry, darling, I'm on. Sorry, darling, I'm on. My dad had this thing that if anyone had a book out or he was reading a book or something, it didn't happen that often,

and you got to the contents page. Yeah. He'd point at contents and say, cows ought not to eat nasty turnip skins. And then he'd go the other way and say, school time never ends till nine o'clock. And he said, that's how you remember how to spell contents. And I remember thinking, it's not that tricky, contents.

You don't need a system. You need two acronyms. If you can call... I don't know if acronyms would be correct. You just don't need it. I'm just... Contents, you can call I don't know if acronyms would be correct you just don't need it I'm just content she can handle that sir or no I feel sorry for Daisy our producer just because she works with us for a start

but also because she was saying earlier that her stepfather says every time they get out salad he says salad days that would drive you slightly mental salad days I can see the temptation of that. Yeah. It's not a bad gag.

It's a good gag. Yeah. I mean, it may be diminishing by repetition, but... I went through a short period. Because she's called Daisy Knight, I used to phone her up, and if I left a message, I'd go, Daisy Knight! But I sent, she was tiring, I think Tyra we do as a radio family Frank

I like to think of this as my extended family we do have a sort of singing one really which is whenever you're mentioning the name of anyone

who's been slightly a controversial news figure perhaps you'll sing it to the tune of the Simpsons which always makes me laugh you'll go like Charles Branson

I do do that actually now you mention it I do do that, actually, now you mention it. I do do that. So you say you've got no sayings, but... There's several people been in the news just lately which I can't sing on the air. No, notice I chose Charles Bronson. Yeah, that was a good one. What a terrible world we live in

that Charles Bronson, one of the most notorious prisoners, is a safe pair of hands. I can't be right. You say you've got no sayings, but the other day, this is absolutely true, I slipped on ice in the street and properly fell. And as I was falling through the air, I thought, oh, I'm having what Frank calls one of his falls. I was in mid-air.

Blimey. Maybe it... Actually, I don't have any sayings. This is becoming one of my sayings. What do you think of the haircut, by the way? Nice. I complimented you on it. I think it's very...

I don't know, but I've been told. That's my American army. It is, yeah. I really like it, actually. I tell you what, I'm... Mr Toppers. When I have my haircut, I don't... It's a bit like buying your blazer a bit big.

Yes. I go a bit shorter than I want it. I always think it's not going to really blossom for two weeks. You like to get bang for your buck, darling, don't you? So I think two weeks I'm going to get used to looking a bit bald and that. And then I'll wash it. It could be ten days. Two weeks, two and a half weeks.

I'll wash it, look in the mirror and think, yeah, that's it. I'll tell you what, you'll be happy with it by Christmas. Christmas, man, I'll be happy with it. I can't tell you. Yeah, it's all about deferred gratification. Oh, yeah, I love that. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215 and follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. Very nice. Shall we begin this hour with rounding up some of the questions

from the previous hour? Let's do the round-up. Some resolution. TCB over there. We've had a text from Geoff in Hampstead, London, that just says... Sorry, Frank's doing a dad saying. He's saying, Roland, Roland, Roland. No, go on.

Bluebeard. French fairy tale about a Risto who killed many wives. Name given by press to several modern-day serial killers. Blackbeard, French fairy tale about a Risto who killed many wives. Name given by press to several modern-day serial killers. Blackbeard, famous pirate and befriender of cabin boys. Geoff, Hampstead, London. You see what's happened there is that I work for, although I obviously work for Blackbeard, I mean, I've been putting Bluebeard on my CV now for years.

Oh, no. I made a right fool of myself. I wonder... It's like putting Sir Alan Sucre. What worries me is that if anyone has asked for a reference that letter's gone to a fairy tale arrester who killed several wives. Oh no.

That would account why I've never really had a proper job. Also Frank, this news just in, read Lemsip from 705. Oh yeah. Hi Frank, boiling water kills all active, read Lemsip from 705. Oh, yeah. Hi, Frank. Boiling water kills all active ingredients of Lemsip,

just as it kills germs. That's from Warren in Gravesend. In case you're just asking why it says on Lemsip you can't put boiling water in, you have to wait till it, well, goes off the boil, I suppose, would be the technical term. Yeah. Kills all active ingredients is a bit vague, though, isn't it? What does that mean? I think it means all the active ingredients that were in there are now dead

because you've put boiling water. I think that's pretty clear. What about the inactive ingredients that are just snoozing? What, they wake up with corpses everywhere? Corpses and boiling water. They don't do anything. Why are they in it? A family saying, which I which i enjoyed 459 this is

k frank to distinguish between my brother and my ex-husband who are both called gavin we refer to my brother as brother gavin and whenever we say it we have to briefly put our hands together in prayer and chant brilliant i like i love it i know um and uh seb in in London has said, a friend of mine has a habit whenever he runs for the tube and jumps on as the doors are closing of singing the James Bond fanfare. Always gets some good looks from the other passengers. That's like my brass in pocket. It is, yeah.

You've got to stick with these things. We have a new thing. Those of you listening on the podcast, this won't make much sense, but people listening live, there's a new thing, though, that they do on Absolute, and that is that after

going up to the news, they have a chunk of adverts, and then they have a little thing that comes on with Matt Berry saying and this is listening to Absolute Radio and then it goes back to the adverts, and it's listed on my list of buttons as the news separator

and already whenever i see i think news separator news you can't get around it frank can i tell you what i'd like to discuss right here right now let me say yeah i'd like to discuss the pope because he's finally i'm gonna he's sort of come over to the dark side a bit frank Let me hear you say, yeah. I'd like to discuss the Pope. Easy. Because he's finally, I'm going to, he's sort of come over to the dark side a bit, Frank. I won't have that said. No, I love his holiness, but he's joined Twitter. When you say you love his holiness, do you mean, do you mean as in him?

Yes. Referring, or do you love the holiness that belongs to him? Oh, the office, not the man. It was tricky. When you're talking about the Pope, you've got to, you know, you've got to know, yeah. Um, Frankie's joined Twitter. His Twitter handle is at Pontifex.

Is that Pope in Latin apparently? That's quite cool, isn't it? No, I think it's a pun on Pontifract. Big fan of those little streets. He loves the Yorkshire-based pun. It means you're, yeah. He, but, um, he should have got at Pope. Do you think

I worry that someone in Wisconsin has stolen that first? I think at the Pope has already gone. Oh, someone, exactly, someone in Wisconsin, can't they throw money at the problem? You'd think, wouldn't you? He's been cyberschopped. Hold on, I don't want my money that I put on the plate every Sunday going to some fat bloke in Wisconsin

who's called something like Dave Pope. That's true. The article I read about it was trying to guess how many followers he will end up with and saying, like, will he rival Lady Gaga? The whole article seemed to be comparing him to Lady Gaga and I thought, well, he wears some daft outfits, but let's not compare him to Gaga. Let's have some music.

We'll sort this out off air. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, Alan was being, I'm not going to say rude, but he was making comments about the Pope's dress. It was anti-Pope, I remember. I don't think it was. Whereas I'm a fan to say rude, but he was making comments about the Pope's dress.

It was anti-Pope, I remarked. I don't think it was. Whereas I'm a fan of the red shoes, they've already established. Yeah, some fancy Prada shoes, doesn't he? They're absolutely the most fashion-forward thing I've ever seen. Fashion-forward? He looks totes amazed. They've been an option for Popes before, but none of them's really taken up the red clad.

He couldn't wait to get them's really taken up the red card. Why? He couldn't wait to get them on. I loved him for that. I won't have a word said against him. I'm having to be a bit careful about my Twitter, because I've been a bit sort of, you know, Twitter. Right.

Now you're thinking you fancy it, because the pope's got it. Well, obviously now the pope's on. I mean, I am one of his followers already, even on Twitter. Yeah, that's true, Frank. But I was just thinking that I was talking to someone at a party last night, someone else, not the man whose wife had done a runner. And they were talking about mobile phones and they got their phone out and they had a very simple, straightforward, like, just like...

I know, your old school 90s. One of those ones that you just phone and text on i don't think it even had a camera you believe it and i think now that kind of phone has become what you know at one time the mobile phone was the the height of up yourselfness and now showing one of those simple ones i think has become a sort of symbol of like people who say they don't have a telly it's become oh no I'm not joining in and I find it made me think after again on that

journey on the way home that when I talk about Twitter am I being a bit oh I don't have a telly do you know what I mean yeah I do think it is sort of like being on the electoral roll soon and you will have to join I'm worried that people will say nasty things to the Pope on there, though, and there'll be a hostility. Well, the tweets start on December 12th. He will be tweeting himself, apparently.

Yeah. He'll be tweeting himself. What's the point of that? But, I mean, he is of a certain age. I wonder if he's got a mobile phone with big buttons. I wonder if he's got one of those ones. I think he's got a Pope mobile. A Pope mobile. I just hope he's got one of those ones. I think he's got a Pope mobile. A Pope mobile. I just hope he doesn't overtake Stephen Fry. Because Stephen Fry's got about five million. I don't think he'll

take kindly to being trumped by his holiness. I just hope that there is a technical assistant to get him through it. Because today he's an old man. I told him to accidentally end up on Grindr. Can you imagine the abuse you'd get on there? Might be worse on Twitter, who knows?

I'll be like a stranger in a strange land. I'll be absolutely honest, I think I would prefer that to him being on LinkedIn. If he went on LinkedIn, I think I'd convert to the Church of England. I wonder if he will end up there. What are we going to do about people on LinkedIn? What are these people who...

Can they be rounded up? I hate them, Frank. I hate you all on LinkedIn. Yeah, somebody wants to put you on their something on LinkedIn. I'll get there. What are you talking about? Leave me alone. And also, I'm happy that my...

Was it PIP, this stuff? Was that what... PPI? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Were you missold? Keep the money. Yeah, have a drink. Keep your TK.

It's a drop in the ocean to you, isn't it? Get off my back. Historically speaking. Get off my back with the PPI. Money. Oh, we've got a check. We've got a check ready for you, it said. We've got a cheque ready for you, it said. We've got a cheque ready for you for £1,200.

PPI. Right, it said. Did you just text that? A cheque? Keep it. A cheque? Where did this text come from? 1978?

Do you mean you got a cheque? Where did you find that? Oh, my God. Don't bother me. I'm not that crazy about texts from friends. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I believe that we're shortly going to go to email corner, but just before we do, as you know, the Pope isn't going to be tweeting until, is it the 12th of December, Emily, that you said? I believe so. I'm his representative here in the studio.

I've got a few draft tweets of the Pope's for when he does start tweeting. I love God, hashtag just saying. Oh. No? Just been unfollowed by at Judas Priest, I'm not sure why.

They're down at the band? Yeah. He wouldn't know that, though, would he? He's probably just thinking it's someone that he works with. Isn't it? Like a colleague. This is like... This is like working with Stephen Fry. Is it? Fed up with people looking forward to time off at Christmas. Hashtag my busiest time of the year

Hashtag can't wait until summer I'm hoping that he does all his tweets in Latin As if to say yes I'll come this far modern world But you've got to come a little bit towards me as well I think he is going to do them in Latin isn't he Oh I'd love it if he did I'm a huge fan of Latin I think all children should be taught it

I think that is should be taught it. We... Oh, God, I think that is actually absolute radio policy. Shall we go there? Let's do it. OK, let's go there. E-M-A-L-L-E-R Jereve, eh? Or is it Jereve?

Jereve, I think it is it Jereve? Jereve, I think it is. From the Pope to an atheist. Dear Frank, Alan and the lovely Emily, I'm an Englishman in New York and despite my atheist views, I've been listening to the podcast religiously. Oh. Alan will be pleased to hear

that I often listen on a long run and in truth, it really helped me to get through a lot of training last year when I ran the New York Marathon so thanks very much you got that I really like people listen actually that's not quite all oh as I was over in London this week and visiting a company called Pentland who proudly told me while on the tour of their impressive offices that Frank had availed himself I love the idea of you availing yourself of their swimming pool whilst training for the Great Length. No nights

moved for me. The Great Length? Exactly. That's my version of Mr Right. Yes. I'm waiting for the Great Length around the corner. He says no nights moved for me even despite the husky voice. I'm very happily married and I'm now smart enough to try to stay that way.

I'll use the word now. As a man who's made some mistakes in the past. He would have been vulnerable to my charms a few years back. Though, of course, if any of you are ever in New York, I'd be happy to buy you a pint slash cosmopolitan slash club soda. That's John Collins. I think I'll have a salt beef sandwich over rye club soda is quite retro it's not joan collins oh maybe i'll have a um a root beer if i'm in new york i'll have the pint of cosmopolitan so that's not what he meant is it no that doesn't

sound right to me so frank that's exciting it was was very, that Pentland place where I used to go and learn to swim, it was really luxurious. And I thought it was like a big leisure centre stroke art centre. And then all these people came in at lunchtime and I said, do you work locally? And they said, no, we work here. And it turned out that it was like offices and this was just their sort of leisure facilities downstairs. Wow. When I started work, I think we had a microwave. That was it.

I often did news. I used to have cold... One of my favourite things, I used to take cold sausage sandwiches into work and eat that. I can't actually... It's like eating a batting glove. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

We're still in email corner Hello Mr Radio Cockerel And the lovely Emily I listen to you when I'm out running I really like it, hello runners Why do you like it? I just like it, you get a really big connection With a podcast when you're running

Because there's only you and them It's different And it's lovely to catch up on what I've been missing in the UK I left the UK in 1998 I've been listening for a while You see I have a sense if people listen when they're running That we are somehow mixed in their mind with dog mess Well that's fine

That's fine too I think I've been listening for a while But if you could fill me in on the highlights slash lowlights of 1998 to 2011 in the world of Frank, I'd appreciate it. Naps in the Central Reservation? Emily, can you update us on the 30 days to OMG diet, please? Dying to hear the results here in Denver. Love the show. Thanks for making me laugh so consistently.

I like the so consistently there. So what did I do between 1998 and 2011? Yeah, and I suspect he thinks that those years covered the falling asleep on the Central Reservation. Well, I'd stopped by then. That was pre-1998, wasn't it? I remember on December 31st 31st 1998 i parted like it was 1999 i did yeah but then when it got to 1999 i stopped did you i missed oh that's where

you and i differed then yeah because it was hard because once it became 1999 i didn't have to pretend anymore i missed the pretense it was like It was like the Darwins. Remember that couple of the Darwins after they discovered he hadn't been killed in a canoe accident? I think life had been dull. I'm a big fan of his son. One of my obscure crushes. I'd say that the highest point of that year was

discovering Merlin, the TV show. And the lowest, I'd say, was almost um it being pulled six weeks later yeah i mean early i mean we should i know 2012 your son was born i was about to say that that's a period in which you became a father no no that was after 2000 that would have that would have been in there um can i say by the way if if any of you is thinking that you might try Merlin, can I say it features, I think, one of the great credits of all time.

Which is what? Well, you know what? I've mentioned to you before Zulu is Kona. Oh, you love that, Frank. Yeah, from Hawaii Fiverr. But John Hurt as Voice of the Dragon. Oh, nice. I'm very pleased with that as a credit.

That's great. It reminded me of Anthony Howard as Voice of the Ring. Do you remember that in Lord of the Rings? He's quite a well-known Shakespearean actor. I saw the fabulous Richard III once. What a night that was. And it wasn't right in slang, it was art. And he did, Remember the ring?

Oh, yes, when it got all spooky. I often wondered if that was on his CV. Yes, I do Shakespeare, voiceovers, jewellery, jewellery work. I like it when they're photographed in Spotlight and they have two pictures, with hat, without hat. That's how versatile they are. Or with spectacles, without spectacles. I don't know, we can talk about this in a moment but uh i don't know if you've seen the um you know

there's footage of uh dogs driving cars this week on the agenda i'm setting an agenda before that i'd like to speak about the trouble we've had with my dog our dog the family dog you know we've got a whip it yes i've got it just before I joined this show, in fact. I texted you only this week to say I admired his metabolism. It's a she. I know, and you told me it was she. They're all he, they're not no dogs. Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.

I think people expect you to have a boy dog, don't they? They just do. I think I call a cat she and I call the dog he. Well, cats are feline creatures, you know what I mean? Yeah, I suppose there's a logic. Anyway... Why don't I get into details with these things? She's been a bit problematic.

Who? The cat? No, the whip. Oh, OK. The dog. My dog. Yeah. I'm a dog. Lucky the dog. Problematic.

Oh, well, there was a period where she was... Oh! Frank! Hold on a minute. No, not that. Not that. She was soiling during the night. Oh. Yeah, yeah, it wasn't good.

And also she's been kind of barking at other dogs in a confusing way. I think they do do that, don't they, dogs? Oh, I do that. Yeah, they do, if they're nervy and timid. But anyway, this week we've had a dog expert come out and have a little chat to her and a look at her. Oh! From which agency? From dogexperts.com.

I don't know. No, but where do you find the dog? Oh, I see. What do you mean? It's from RSPCA. We just Googled it. Like a dog therapist or something. Yes, a dog therapist came out.

Because what had happened was somebody had said, well, during the night... This is a man who won't spend more than ten quid on a pair of shoes. Oh, that's not true. My reputation for stinginess, I love buying shoes. Um, I, uh... We had started to... Because of the fireworks as well, the dogs get scared during the fireworks.

So what we'd started to do was, when we were putting her to bed, we had a little, um, just a little battery-operated radio. You're kidding me. And we were just putting the radio on. What, do I? What, like a monitor? No, not like a baby monitor. She's on CB, that whippet.

But it wasn't playing AM, so the dog's been listening to Radio 2 all night. And I can't help but feel like you shouldn't be playing a rival station to the one that you work on. No, that's wrong. Yeah. I don't know how their radio figures are doing. Do you honestly have a radio in the dog's basket?

We have a little radio by the dog. This is a whole sort of... And she started to bark and sound a little bit like Janice Long introducing a song during the night. There's a whole Paris Hilton side to your personality I've never seen before. Yeah, it's amazing. But anyway, this dog dude basically said,

you know, she's a bit nervy and you need more control of her in the house. The more control you've got of her in the house, the less scared she'll be out in the wide world and when other dogs come past, you just distract her with a treat and then, you know,

you can kind of take some of the nervousness out of her life. So it's all about treats now. They're very trembly, though, with bits. Really trembly, yeah. Yeah, often a trembly limb. But I feel embarrassed to admit to... They are genuinely trembly.

I feel embarrassed to admit to Emily that we're now in the market to buy a bomb bag. We need a bomb bag so that we can put all these sliced up bit of hot dogs in. I didn't even know you could still get bombags. Oh, give my love to your friends in Arkansas. A fanny pack? We need a fanny pack full of hot dogs, yeah. Oh my God. Also, what's the...

Full of hot dogs? Yeah, you know, little sliced up bits of hot dogs. That's exactly what I used to take to work with me when I first started work. Oh, in my end is my beginning. Yeah. Don't mind me, that's... But my fingers sometimes smell of hot dog sausage if we give it too many treats. This is so... I feel so uncomfortable.

My stomach's really knotted up. We're talking about Lucky. And I was talking about the Whippet. Lucky the Hound, yeah. There was a slight awkward moment because the dog therapist that came along to deal with her the other day was Irish. And you know when you start overthinking things,

there was a point where I was talking about how she'd soiled her bed and I said, oh yeah, it was like a dirty protest in there and then I thought uh oh I've gone and said it but we had to skirt over it and then there was another awkward moment where because he wants us to constantly reward the dog for doing good things and then ignore it for doing bad that sort of

stuff you know so um that's what I do to my men no punishment for bad things oh you don't punish you totally ignore the bad stuff and just reward the good stuff. You might as well stop smoking. So,

at one point we were out, we went on a dog walk and I said, because obviously there was a bit of me that, he had a pouch full of sliced up hot dog and I was thinking if we're going to be giving him... The dog giving... The dog dude had his own treats with him and I thought we're going to be going through probably a pound or two a week just in hot dogs

treating this. Does he carry that round all the time? When they're in the bomb bag are they in like a packet though in the bomb bag? It's just they're actually, the sausage is actually tied up against the inside of the bomb bag. It's against fabric, yeah. It's against the fabric. I the sausage is actually tight up against the inside of the bob bag. It's against the fabric, yeah, it's totally against the fabric.

It's against the fabric. I should go on a date with him. I don't think he takes it on dates. I don't think he takes it on dates. I'm just desperate to know if he ever gets one caught in the zip. Can you imagine? Can I just reassure you both? Because I think you're bringing a human level of hygiene to what is a dog.

Say he doesn't take it on dates. He could have been training someone and then he could go straight on. I take my work stuff with me. I know Lockie won't mind if there's a slight taste of fabric in the sausage. But, you know, they're easy going on the food front. Yeah. What I'm thinking is, let's say, you know, there's a recession. Nobody's job's safe.

Broken Britain. Let's say if the dog dude loses his job, what's he going to use that bomb bag for then? I don't know, maybe international travel or something like that. But you don't want to put, you know... His passport. Always paying for the buck. See, I'm more concerned about how he reeks. You don't want to keep a personal organiser in that bomb bag.

I didn't get near him, but he smelled fine. Was he going to put his file up? His file up. Along with his Nokia. His palm pilot. But there was an awkward moment where he said, oh yeah, just distract her if there's other dogs that she seems a bit scared of. Just stop her and maybe practice getting her to sit or give her a treat for the sausage. And I said, what if we ever forget the treats? Because obviously I was thinking, there's potentially a pound a week in hot dogs. I'll

deliberately forget the treats. More than a pound a week, I would imagine. Oh, I'll be bound. So he just looked at me as if to go, just don't do that. Really? He gave me a look as if to go, no, no, I'm teaching you how to train your dog. Just train your dog. Don't.

I mean sausage. It's not the treat it could be. I know a dog. They like sausage traditionally. Oh, they love it. He's based his entire theory on Ponte Giudice. What I would wear is a pair of bandoleros. You know the bandoleros that they used to put the cartridge cases in,

those cross belts that Mexican bandits wear? Oh, yeah, those girls could be shot. Full of smarties. Oh, yeah. And just give them a few smarties. I don't think you're meant to give dogs chocolate, but... Oh, come off it. Not give dogs chocolate?

What are you talking about? It's bad for them. That's all they live for. Dogs? Yeah. You've given dogs chocolate? Have I given dogs chocolate? These views are coming from Birmingham 1972. Dogs? Yeah. You've given dogs chocolate? Have I given dogs chocolate? These views are coming from Birmingham 1972.

Makes them ill. No it doesn't. They love it. It really does. I'll look into it. Let's have some adverts. I'm going to look into it. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. at Frank on Absolute. Absolute, Absolute, I, I, I, I, I, I, my imagination

and think about it all the time. Is this one of your start of the hour mashups? I'm dreaming. Is that what's happening? You're in love with me like I'm in love with you

but dreaming's all I do. I like this. This is true. A nine-year-old in the 90s has had too much cake and I like it. It should be, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh... OK, yes, I need to calm down.

People at home, Sam, just woke up, I've got a hangover, shut up. Two things... I haven't even got me Tua T-shirt on yet. Two things. Firstly, loving the houndstooth on you, by the way. Thanks. Yeah, I call that dogtooth, Jack. Can you call it houndstooth?

I know, my darling, but it's houndstooth. Yeah, OK. Also, I've been poisoned, this news just in. Oh, dear. Anyway, we've had a text in from Gareth. It's an email, actually. Not from Gareth. It's too late now to apologise.

No. Go on. This is family sayings. He says, Gareth says, Frank and team, ever since we were young, when we arrived at a destination, my dad would always say, here we are. And to prove it, we're here.

Such a classic dad thing to say. I now find myself saying it even though I don't have kids and have been known to say it even when there is no one else in the car. Those are the best ones. Yeah. Talk about an insight into the modern world. We got to somewhere the other day and my son, we'd already turned the sat-nav off and my son went, but we haven't reached our destination!

It's amazing, isn't it? We've also got one entitled Family Jokes. Morning, Frank. Do you remember when Eric Morecambe looked out the bedroom window and an ambulance passed by with its siren on and he said the immortal line, you'll never sell ice cream, going at that speed. Both my wife and I say this every time we see an ambulance with its siren on uh much to the annoyance of our

12 year old son who says it's no longer funny but i say it may not be funny to you anymore but i guarantee he will say it to his children in the future yeah that's from bill sandylands oh yeah i think i went to sandylands that's what I was thinking it's a fabulous theme park based on absolute newsreader Sandy Moore the life and work of Sandy Moore yeah brilliant Frank come 001

001 has finally got in touch I mean this is great this didn't even happen I watched it there. There was 13 episodes of The Prisoner. They never tracked down 001. Brilliant. What does he or she speak? He should be James Bond's boss.

Frank, if we want a cup of tea and coffee in our house, we say, hey, TC, in the Top Cat voice. That's from Shazzy. As in tea or... As in tea, yeah. But more importantly... My coin hasn't arrived, by the way.

You're calling... You got my coin on a string, but I said I... Oh, yes. Top cut coin. Yeah, no sign of it. I think what he's done is put it in the post box

and then he's pulled it back out again instinctively. Just FYI, the rocking horse man has been getting in touch with me, lovely chap, on Twitter. Yeah, I'm friends with him

on Twitter. He does want to deliver it, so we need to arrange that. Okay. Well, I've got a lock-up down south. Have you? I might get a small stable for him. Frank, we were talking about Alan's Whippet. Yes.

And Martin Williams has tweeted us to say, did you see the footage of the dogs driving? I assume it was a rover. Excellent. Oh, I see. That's a good joke. It is. We're off.

We're off in this section. I saw a still of the dog driving. I didn't actually see any moving pictures. You need to see some moving pictures. Who was it driving? Monty, looking out of the window in a sort of casual, loose, checking out the ladies' way. Really? It was fantastic. I mean, I don't want to be pedantic,

but it wasn't using its mirrors at all. So, on a highway, it would have been very hazardous for the motorcyclist. Yeah, I don't know if you could allow them out on the... I'd be... I mean, it'd be great to have a dog that could drive. I might start drinking again.

It's one of my greatest disappointments that Shep never learned. I love the idea of being in the back seat of a car with a dog driving and me with my head out the window. It's a fabulous turnaround. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to get insurance. Presumably Churchill would do it, but nobody else. I don't know. I need to talk to you about dog ownership

because I've been through a big change in my life on the dog ownership front and I think only a dog owner would understand. And there has been talk about Emily possibly getting a dog. Well, yeah. That's been kept under that. Just for Christmas, though. I'm joking.

I think that's all right now. I remember me and David Baddiel tried to hire one once for a week. Couldn't get one. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You see, I've always assumed

that you have a child, you buy a house with a garden, you get a dog. Yeah. And this is because I've always loved dogs. And I've always associated people who own dogs as sort of a natural warmth about them, in the way that cat owners are often sort of cold, intellectual types. And the people, not necessarily evil,

but certainly I think evil is in the ballpark there somewhere. But, you know, dog owners, I've always thought they're the sort of people you can sit and maybe, you know, if you're in a log cabin somewhere. Bit salt of the earth types. Yeah. Now, of course,

dog owners I see round by me, they're drogadicks. Only if it's on a string. Yeah, but no, I'm on about that. The whole dangerous dog thing has put me off. Oh, I see, yeah. It's put me off dogs altogether. And now I'm thinking I won't have a dog.

Well, I've got my eye on a Pomeranian, as you know. Yeah, but you know what I mean? The sort of people, no, with the big dog. And also, all this stuff about not giving it chocolate and all that. Where's the fun? Where's the fun in having a dog anymore? I like the reason for not buying a dog is because drug dealers have it and you can't give it chocolate. On that subject, we did actually.

We used to give it toffee and then I'd do the voice. So when it was chewing, I'd say, oh, how are you this morning? And it looked like he was talking. if you could sync it up right. It was a tremendous fun. Isn't that how they did the horses? So they didn't miss their head. They didn't miss their head in the flower pot. No, they did peanut butter on the roof of the mouth.

That's right. And some animation for the tricky, more wordy sections. I hope that was a credit at the end, and some animation. We did have a text clarifying, Hi Frank and Co, chocolate is poison for dogs unless it is made for dogs, and there are chocs made for dogs, and they are available from your local pet store. Best wishes, happy pets, draw it which, which I thought was nice.

Now you see, they've got a reason for championing the belief that you can't give dogs chocolate, because they sell dog chocolate. Right, yeah, I suppose so. Well, all I'm saying is we had loads of dogs and we always gave it chocolate and they, you know, they lived old. They all died. They got old.

Well, they died eventually. Do you know what they do now? I've got, when I get my Pomeranian, my David, my male manicurist, his partner, who's male, they run a doggy daycare centre, fabulous, but you can skype the dog throughout the day you're kidding me yeah no it's fantastic so then it'll be nice it's like it's

like having a child or something but you'll constantly worry about your dog because when you skype saying how you're feeling and then it skypes back rough oh well you can't skype lucky she used to be on CB. What I'm looking for, if I could get, this is the only dog I think I'd tolerate now, if I could get a very intelligent, dominant dog, then I could then, I could get a job as a dog walker and I needn't go. I could make that one as the lead dog,

what they do with huskies, and it could just take them out to the park for two hours and drop them off at their respective houses and I'll grab the money at the end of the week. Team leader, that's what I'm going to call that animal. If you've got one like that. I suppose a rocking horse? No.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know, we were talking about dog owners and you being a fan of the dog owner and me thinking cat owners are slightly evil and we've had a text in from 735.

Frank, may I remind you, Hitler loved his dogs. Oh, yeah, true. Blondie. True. Yeah, he died in the legs of his Alsatian. Hitler did? Well, they don't have arms, do they? He died in...

In the legs of his Alsatian. Did he actually? Yeah. I think him and Ava Braun and Blondie, the Alsatian, were in a heap when they were found. Really? Yeah, he took cyanide and Ava took cyanide and he gave Blondie a double decker.

That did the trick. Blondie. Blondie. Where's Blondie? Frank, 402, says, morning all, hot dogs absolutely work. My intellectually challenged beagle now has an impressive repertoire

of tricks courtesy of sliced hot dogs. That's from Joe. P.S. You can get big jars in Poundland. Excellent. See, I don't think they should be called... These are not hot dogs. These are frankfurters, aren't they? Hot dogs would suggest that they're raw.

You're worried about the cannibalism thing. No, I've always been fine with cannibalism. It's good to know where you stand on that. I still write to Armin Meifers, the German cannibal, in prison. Oh, yes, I remember him. He was a fan of Star Trek, wasn't he? I've suggested a civil partnership. But that would be a great brag, wouldn't it?

What about dropping that on my girlfriend? Well, did I tell you I'm in a civil partnership with Armin Meifers as the German cannibal? Hot dog? Good data retention on his name, by the way. Oh, never forget a German cannibal. It wasn't like it was a run-of-the-mill story.

That's one of your rules as well. That's one of my sayings. That's like me and my Sophie Ommegbokpoo. Yeah, exactly. I hope you're familiar with her work. I'm not aware. She had a dispute with Cheryl Cole in a toilet. Oh, it was her, yeah.

Toilet attendant, Sophie Omagbokpoo. I know her work, yeah. I didn't know her name. Do you know her work? Yeah. What? Okay. How was she handing over the breath fresheners?

She was good, yeah, yeah. Okay. Little splash of Paco Rabanne as well. You see, don't squabble with the national treasure. Are we heading to E-Mail Corner? I believe we are. Oh, do you want the music and everything? Yes.

OK. It's up to you. I just think sometimes the listeners are thinking, oh, not this stupid jingle. Well, why don't you sing it, darling, a little bit? E-mail Connor! Darling! That sounds horrible.

Don't I like to? Hi, Franklin. E-mail Connor! Oh, the fall could have done it. There you go. He went this week. He got excited. I did. I went to the fall. Someone threw a pint of beer over Marky Smith's wife.

Oh, because that never happens at a fall gig. No, but they shouldn't do it over a lady. You know, how did that go down? She was angry. Was she? We all were. How was Mark? He was all right with it. He sort of restrained her. Was it Mark? He sort of held her back, saying,

you know, as if it was an occupational hazard. Like, we've all had a drink. Exactly. Anyway, we're in email corner now, officially. OK. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I'm a 16-year-old boy from Canterbury, and I absolutely love your show.

It brightens up my day and sends me into school upbeat and cheerful. Well, there isn't enough of that. I mean, there's a lot of stuff now sending kids into school upbeat and cheerful, but it's not legal, any of it. No. But there is a problem now this strays awkwardly towards praise frank but you'll but hear him out i always find myself laughing a lot and get many stares from passers-by who don't seem to comprehend comedy through

earphones i've become so embarrassed i have to resort to wearing a scarf that covers my mouth and nose while this is fine in the winter, I'm dreading the summer months when I can't cover my grin. What do you all suggest I do? That's from Sam. Well, leave it to us, Sam. We'll be less funny in the summer. How's that for a deal?

I had a better idea. Motorbike helmet, full leathers. Oh, lovely. In the summer. Well, why not? Yes, pizza delivery man chic. Yeah, exactly. The way I cut, I'm currently listening to James Boswell's Life of Samuel Johnson

as an audio book, 43 hours, 13 minutes. Wow. And I find myself laughing at that and sometimes applauding. And I find that what I've done done in order to because people used to stare what i've done now is i just released just a little bit of dribble from the corner of the and no one looks no one looks anymore what else i've got an email here have you um yeah it's a doozy if i uh can say that spoiler alert it's a doozy. I'm listening to last Saturday's podcast and wondering how overhearing your partner saying he's awful

can make that guy storm out of the pub, etc. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah, a guy, yeah. He'd heard his girlfriend describe him as... Yeah, he's awful. Like I said, I don't think it's that bad. Even at the time I pointed out that the end of the sentence could have been at tennis or, you know, he's awful

because he spoils me so much. He's awful at being rubbish. Or Dick Emery, but I like him. Yeah, exactly. How about finding out that your girlfriend of nine years is practicing black magic and voodoo without your knowledge on a random email and then finding

a small coffin full of needles and weird powders in your bedroom cupboard. Needles and weird powders? He's going out with the pink doctor. I was more concerned about the girlfriend of nine years, but I think it's the length of the relationship. He's practising black magic. He's blenput. I know how it feels now. He's got a black magic woman.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. He's looking forward to seeing Alan's stand-up show in Cambridge 2013. And if you need any help with things in French, fire away. Cheers, Jean-Luc. Oh, that's a good switch at the end. Oh, I love a French. I went out with someone who said to me, I must have told you this before,

she said, I took your fingernails that you left in the ashtray in the bed seat I was living in a bed seat then in Harbour in Birmingham she said I took your fingernails I said alright thanks very much and she said I can use those now in a spell and I can make you love me forever

she did not say that she didn't honestly say that but how long did you go out with the got bags for? It didn't work. Got bags? It was, you know, obviously I went off for a bit after that. Also, what I didn't do, they were actually toenails. So God knows what happened with the spell.

She might have given me the power of flight. And I've just never tried it. Never had the nerve to try it. This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio. Frank? What? Oh, my God. I hate it when you're like this.

As a professional watcher of my weight, you look like you're cringing. Why is that face? I'm thinking, do you mean that you are or I am a professional watcher of your work? Yeah, it did sound for a bit like you thought Frank professionally kept you on and off the scales. Yeah, it's too big a responsibility.

When I say it's too big, I don't mean... You don't mean there's junk in the trunk, how dare you? Talking of junk in the trunk, see, I've been very alarmed to hear, did you read about this Brazilian prison inmate who his escape plan he got stuck

he got stuck Frank he got stuck in the hole they smashed a hole through the side of the prison wall but did you see him coming out

it's a lovely old fashioned way of getting out of prison isn't it knocking a hole through the wall brilliant he was bald as a coot

the fella as a coots yes He was bald as a coot. The fella? As a coot's. Yes, the fella. He was bald as a coot. Yeah. I think they do that in prison, so you can't get your hair pulled during a fight.

Yeah, he was a bit Bronsonian. All right, I thought it was a Brazilian thing. Oh, lovely. Thanks very much. Thanks very much. I've gone out on such a high. You know what I was shocked about, Frank? Stop now. I thought being in prison, and inmates can put me right here,

but I thought you became something of a muscle Mary, because I thought they all worked out and read the Bible and things. Do you know what I mean? There's not that much to do. Well, I can only speak of my friend Norman Mivers, the German cannibal. It's hardly atypical diet-wise. If anything, he's lost weight weight because they don't they don't cater for the specialist diet i must say he's a surgeon the atkins isn't he in that he'd like to eat atkins exactly uh he um this prisoner that got stuck in the hole yeah i felt a bit sorry for him

because the headline said something like prisoner Prisoner too fat to escape. And he wasn't actually, he was actually a big, strong bloke. Strapping, yeah. But he'd escaped with another, a little prisoner, hasn't he, who'd gone through first. That little guy had thought, I don't know if you're going to get through, let me go through first. Yeah. I felt a bit, but it was, it was a comical.

Yeah, when it says, Prisoner too fat to escape, it could also have said, hole too small for man to fit through, couldn't it? Yeah. Like this man. But the fact a thin man had got through and a fat man got stuck was so classically Laurel and Hardy. It was absolutely... What excuses has he got, though, Frank, to not work out?

I've got a lot on. I just like the idea that he cleared a space on the ground, put his elbow on it and looked into camera when he got stuck I hope that happened The prison warden gave a quote he said look he has a very large physique and is also very tall

which I thought was very kind, it's like when a friend says when the dress doesn't fit you, well you're big boned Exactly, statuesque Yeah I think what they should have done is rather than let him get into trouble, is they should have covered him up with a giant poster of Rita Hayworth. Oh, fine. Yes, it's a Shawshank Redemption joke.

Get over it. Finally, on this show. Oh, dear. We've been trying to get one in for such a long time. Do you remember the prisoner... That joke's like music to my ears. There's a prisoner who escaped. Do you remember him with dental floss?

He collected dental floss and made a rope. Did he? He collected it over, like, three years and made a rope. It was an absolutely true story. But I always thought, not only did he escape, but, you know, that sort of gond you get around bars in a prison window? He cleared all that out. Lovely.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. E-mail corner. Yes? That's one of my favourite ones you've ever done. Thanks. Frank, this is from Sarah, who says whilst... Oh, she's a Sarah, actually, because she says not the poisoner. More of that later.

Whilst listening to my local radio show, I was thrilled to hear of a new invention. What will they think of next, Alan? That has been necessitated by the continual increase in excess baggage fees. Not the sausage bomb bag. These wonderful inventors have designed wearable luggage. After checking out the website, I decided that this product

may be suitable for the boys on the show, taking into account Frank's loathing of wheeled luggage and the cockerel's inclination to save a few bob wherever possible. However, I feel that the divine Miss M would rather be seen out on the town with the gaffster than wear one of these garments kind regards well I've actually

worn one of these jackets have you? it's like there's no sleeves on it and it's got massive the pockets are so big that you just wear it on over your normal clothes. And I could get a laptop, book,

everything you could possibly need on a flight just in the pockets of this thing. It's like a sort of a flimsy IVs jacket, but with massive hard-wearing pockets. How did it look? It didn't look great. OK. No.

But you're only really wearing it for boarding and then disembarking, if you will. But I don't... Oh, because only a few thou will see you then. But I don't need that much on a plane. I don't know why people have... I see people with their hand luggage is on wheels. No, this is to save people putting it in the hold and having to pay like a 15 pound... Work harder. That's my advice i thought i also all i need

on i found you know those games you get like a clown's face with some holes in indentations and ball bearings and you roll them around and you try and get the ball bearings into the indentations you remember those guys yeah i found one of them would get me through a long haul flight do them on a plane that you've no chance you've made it too difficult for yourself Do you remember those guys? Yeah. I do. I found one of them would get me through a long-haul flight. Do you think they're a plane? You've no chance. You've made it too difficult for yourself, haven't you? No, it's fine. Once you're in cruise mode,

when I say cruise mode, I don't mean... Or sitting next to Tom Cruise in 1A. I don't mean living in a false marriage. I mean, once the plane settles down. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week,

and it'll be our last week, our last show of 2012. What a glorious year it's been. What a great summer of sport. Anyway, so we will hopefully be all gathered together then. Good night, and God bless you. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Be all gathered together then. Good night and God bless you.