The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Fears

Episode Date: February 25, 2012

Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Holly Walsh with chat about phobias, Lent and a trip to the Marxist bookshop.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you about how you can get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win a five-night trip to the New York Comedy Festival while you're there, too. But, I've run out of time. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I am with Emily Dean and Holly Walsh.

One boy, two little girls. I hate the fact you own that song. Why? I don't know. I own all the Elvis songs. I love the fact that I'm referred to as a little girl. Doesn't happen often these days. I'll take it.

You know, I think at core we are still the children that we used to be. Right at the very, very core of us. Unless, of course, we join the Conservative Party. And then that child has to be led away and shot in a sweating cave. You know the way caves sweat? I hate it. So, yes, this

is absolutely right. I feel I'm the token man today. That's it, isn't it, now? There's all this old dispute about whether men are funny or not and you get token man on a show like this. But mainly, comedy is so dominated by women. You're the Denise Van Outen of today.

I am, and I'm proud of that. You're the eye candy for this radio show. Really? Yeah, I don't know, I'm a ear candy. Wowzer. Ear candy. I think you're ear candy. Actually, I've got a bit of ear candy. I need to sort that out. You've got one of my favourite hoodies on today, Frank. Thanks very much.

Why are you wearing one of Emily's hoodies? I do not know. I think one of my favourite hoodies on today, Frank. Thanks very much. Why are you wearing one of Emily's hoodies? I do not know. I think one of my favourite hoodies would have been in a great sort of 1950s American sitcom. Like My Favourite Martian. Do you remember that? Yeah, yeah, I was alive then. Yeah, well, it was repeated many times.

Don't become one of those people, if you weren't alive, your car doesn't exist. Thus confusing history and memory. Do you know who Hitler is? Were you alive? Exactly. Okay, so, welcome to the show. Kicking off with Hitler on Absolute Radio.

Kicking off with Hitler. A novel by Frank Skinner. So, I've been on my travels this week. Oh, what have you been up to? Well, what happened is, you may recall, that on my recent birthday... Birthday. On that.

Uh-huh. On, um... I, um... I was given by the show, by the people of the show, a £25 voucher for Bookmarks, the Marxist bookshop in Bloomsbury. Lovely. So, um, I toddled along there this week to, uh,

to have a look round. I've never been in before. Oh, what was it like? It was Marxist in the extreme. Was there a bust of Marx? There was a bust of Marx. See, I always think he looks a bit, sort of, a pound-stretcher Santa Marx. I know what you mean. I'm not a fan of his look, I always think he looks a bit sort of a pound-stretcher Santa Marx. I know what you mean.

I'm not a fan of his look, I have to say. I've worked with the Karl Marx look-alike. Have you? Yeah. I can't remember, it was me, him and Will Young. Because Will Young, I think, was a Marxist when he was at college. I think, yeah. Hard to believe.

Very hard to believe. So anyway, over at marxist bookshop so yeah so i know i'm still dwelling on will young a man who sounds like a terrible joke set up yeah me karl marx and will young i don't hate anyone but if i had to write a list of everyone in britain in a order of which i like them will Young would be perilously near the bottom. No. Yeah. He never gave up. He gives the vibes of a cool guy.

Do you think so? Yeah. Why? Why would he be so low? Oh, I don't know. I felt that his inner child had been strangled by him. Sweaty cave. Yeah.

I sensed his sweaty cave was was empty no no no so yeah so i went in there and um i said i hope because some of you uh regular listeners to the show may recall that we i i noticed um that the marxist bookshop and was called bookmarks um and and i realized years after seeing the shop that it was a pawn. Because it's not spelt with an X, it's spelt Bookmarks as in bookmarks. I discussed this with him and he said he'd considered the X and rejected it. Anyway. I'd take that as a given.

What's that? That he'd rejected it. Yeah, exactly. I'd take there's a given what's that he'd rejected it yeah exactly i take you as a gibbon what about that so he was a very nice chap um in the in the glasses on a lanyard um no he was young and i think you'd have liked him actually i might head down there i think you should pop in the marxist book i'm there i imagine he's single because he probably thinks that marriage is some capitalist sellout. Would you change your political leanings if he was hot? How do you know I'd have to? Hot? That's the beauty of me, not what you think.

I have to say, he was such a nice chap. I've become a Marxist. I spoke to say, he was such a nice chap. I've completely... I've become a Marxist. I spoke to him. I only spoke to him for about seven or eight minutes. And I thought, that's it. I've got the voucher. I might as well adopt the beliefs. So that was that.

I feel the same about W.H. Smith. Yeah? Yeah. I've never met him. Is there a W.H. Smith? Is there a man called that, or was. Yeah? Yeah. I've never met him. Is there a WH Smith? Is there a man called that or was there ever? Yeah. How do you know? Well, it wasn't a made-up name, is it? How do you know? Because it's a really boring made-up name. If you're going to make up a name for a more interesting one. What? Make up names? Yeah. Like what? Martin Henderson. I made up that name for my dog's name.

Yeah, someone emailed in to say that in New Zealand that's a real name. We've got some updates on that later. Yeah, well, OK, don't go before your horse to market. That's my advice. Anyway, I told him about our Marxist bookshop, Phoning, in which people suggested other shops, other Marxist shops. You may recall this. Somebody suggested Office Engels.

Yes. I loved that. Very good. Very proud of that one. And my own one where you buy pillowcases and sheets, Bed Lenin. Yeah. But anyway, he said, oh, what's the name of the show? And suddenly I felt terribly ashamed

that the show is basically called, I believe, The Frank Skinner Show. It is. And I thought that was such an anti-Marxist, egoistic thing to do. Why don't you do The Saturday Breakfast Show for the people? Yeah, that's what I should have said. I should have said it's called The Red Breakfast. The People's Breakfast Show. The Dog's Breakfast Show. Oh, no. So I said, show. The dog's breakfast show.

Oh, no. So I said, he said, what's it called, the show? And I said, it's on 8 o'clock on Saturday morning. Oh. I couldn't own up to being there. You denied us as the cock crowd. I did, yeah. Well, you denied yourself more to the point.

But that's a good thing. It is lent. So, anyway, so I had to look point. But that's a good thing. It is lent. So, anyway, so I had to look around and I have to say, I mean, I was misled by Holly Walsh.

Why? Who said to me that she'd seen Jack Dean's autobiography. I did see Jack Dean's autobiography. He denied that.

I asked the man. He denied it. He was at the front, I promise you. He absolutely, it must have been just left. You know when people leave books outside Oxford? It must have been like left. You know when people leave books outside Oxford?

It must have been like that. Jack Dee's leaving them at bookshops all over London. He's not fooling anyone. So he said, no, no, we've never had that. He was a bit affronted. It was the only difficult moment in our conversation was when I suggested that they sold Jack Dee's autobiography. But it was more Marxist.

Even though it's a Marxist bookshop, it was more Marxist than I expected. More or less every book in it was about Marxism. Right. And you didn't expect that? No, because you told me that they had Jack Dees autobiography, so I thought they'd just be like, it was a front. It was like, remember the old man from Uncle

used to be behind Del Florius, the tailor? You remember the... OK, so... Anyway, I looked round and I found some nice stuff. Frank, if Essien West Brom wants to know, would you add Will Young to the list of people you loathe, along with Daniel Craig and Sir Bob? She's called him Danielle Craig for reasons better known to us all.

No, Danielle Craig is the woman next door you know yeah um i don't i wouldn't like to think that i loathe anyone to be honest but um if it was a people who if i could pay a thousand pounds for charity who i'd punch in the face then yes i would put well younger being that. And I'm sure he'd be glad to do it. Let's suggest it for sport relief. That'd be good, wouldn't it? It's a double punch.

You could have Will Young and Daniel Radcliffe, both fists out at the same time. Hold on, it's not Daniel Radcliffe. It's Daniel Craig. Oh, Daniel Craig. Daniel Radcliffe, I just think he's weird. No, he's not, he's weird. No, he's not. He's lovely.

No, but he will shoot eight people in a post office. He won't. Before 2020. Oh, my God. You heard it here first. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. So, anyway, the upshot of all this is that the man tried to sell me a bust of Marks, and he said, you could have it in the radio studio when you did the show.

And I couldn't tell him it was a commercial radio station. No. I was so ashamed. But you couldn't have Marx while someone's in the background singing We Buy Any Cars. Also, I wouldn't like Workers of All Lands Unite in a purple font. I don't think that would work. No, no. And they're very strict about that here.

So I bought some books and then my girlfriend who who twitter searches me on a regular basis as if i'm up to something said to me oh i i see you're in the marxist bookshop and i thought i thought what's this the mccarthy witch trials marxist bookshop no I thought what's this, the McCarthy Witch trials? Marxist bookshop? No, I was just looking. I'd love you to be in the spotted section of heat in there. Exactly. Spotted in the Marxist bookshop. There must be a sort of Marxist publication where they've got their own spotted.

Yes. I bet you MI5 keep a regular watch on who's in and out of the Marxist bookshop. You know, you joke, but that's probably true. That wasn't a joke. Okay. You'll know when I joke. It's just everything you say, I think.

When I joke, I'll hold up that laugh card that I hold up. Well, you always put in that can laughter anyway. Yeah, exactly. Shot your face. How dare you talk about me like that? So, mind you, now that Yoda's doing ads. Oh, yeah, he's sold out. Can it get any worse?

The great symbol, one of the last populist symbols of wisdom and integrity, Yoda, he's now doing ads. It makes me... Sorry, I really nearly did there. That was so close. Someone just texted in to say you should be called the Franks Show with Frank Skinner, but with an X on the end of Franks. Excellent.

Oh, that's good. Like Spanx. Yes. Exactly like Spanx. And I like to think I hold everything together on this show. Are Spanx those pants that... Oh, yeah, like you're not wearing them as we speak. I don't.

I'm not. Yeah, you are. You're wearing at least one pair. Probably four. So, anyway, there was a tweet, and it was from the man. Can you believe this man's taking part in social networking? He's got a computer, I believe. It's social, isn't it?

Socialist networking. Yeah, so, and this is what it said. Oh, it began, oh, oh, oh. As if, I mean, how can you tweet like that? Like, you've just thought, oh. He doesn't understand our lexicon. Oh, we just had that Frank Skinner in the shop. That Frank, it's the that I'm worried about.

What does that imply? That Frank, oh, we just had that Frank Skinner in the shop. Nice choice of books. Is that what he said? Which I'm taking as a compliment, isn't it? What books did you buy? Well, I bought just some science fiction books. Non-Marxist.

So they don't all sell Marxist books? They don't sell, and they never have sold, Jack D's Autograph. I am baffled. If you must know, I bought Ursula K. Le Guin's Wild Girls and Kim Stanley Robinson's Green Mars. What's science fiction got to do with, like, social liberation? Well, I think, you know, there's utopian science fiction, which I suppose comes from the same seed as Marxism.

Let me give you... Join us later on Radio 4. We'll be back. Let me give you just the opening of Fantastic Planet by Stephen Wolfe. This is how I judge a book, right? First paragraph, very short. Quietly, the trawg went near the window overlooking the nature room. Smiling, he watched his daughter playing. She was a small and pretty trawg girl with big red eyes, a narrow nasal slit,

a mobile mouth, and on either side of her smooth skull, two eardrums so fine they appeared translucent. Fantastic Planet by Stephen Wall there, here on Absolute Radio. So that's what I bought. Oh, Frank. I was pleased about that. Frank, we've got some breaking news just in.

Re-WH Smith. Oh, yeah? And the founder of it. WH Smith, this is 268. WH Smith was founded in 1792 by Henry Walton Smith. God bless Wikipedia. Henry Walton Smith? That's HW Smith.

Oh, fabulous. Stop splitting hairs. No, we call it WH Smith, but that's clearly H.W. Smith. No, but it's brilliant that a dyslexic man started a bookshop. Congratulations to him. Frank, we've cleared up the W.H. Smith controversy. What, H.W. Smith? No, well... Henry Walton, was it?

268 has texted in to say, I should add his son William Henry Smith took over in 1812. Oh, and he had the audacity to add his own initials thus betraying his own father's memory. I'm never shopping in that shop again

for I associate it with disloyalty and betrayal. How will you get your capstans? My capstans? Yeah. I don't smoke anymore. What else was... Oh, yeah, I had my haircut.

Lovely. And I was talking about... Cos, you know, when you get your haircut, it's always a struggle when there isn't a major reality TV show on to find someone to talk about. And if it's a lady, obviously it can do the sports. If it's a man. Yeah.

And we started talking about the fact that I was learning to swim, something I haven't gone on about, I know, at length on this show. And at length. Mainly just at width at the moment. I hope to go on about it at length. And she was talking about some of her friends and their fears. She's got a friend who's scared of wet tissue. Oh.

And another friend who's scared of baked beans. Just can't look at them. Oh, really? Is that for carbohydrate reasons? It would be in my case. I thought they were protein-baked beans. Oh, packed with Is that for carbohydrate reasons? It would be in my case. I thought they were protein baked beans. Oh, packed with carbs, darling. I know there's a lot of sugar in them, because Glenn Hoddle forbid the England team to have baked beans at the 1998 World Cup because of the high sugar content.

But don't people need sugar to run around? The trouble is with sugar, as Arsene Wenger pointed out when he banned the bowl of jelly beans in the Arsenal dressing room, is that you get your big hit from sugar, but then 20 minutes later you get your resulting dip. Sounds like the 90s for me. Oh, I love a resulting dip. You get some nice croutons with it. Curious fears, though, Frank.

Pardon? Curious fears, though, Frank. Pardon? Curious fears. They are curious fears. Wet tissue and baked beans. If ever I had breakfast with this person whilst watching There's One Born Every Minute, where I wet several tissues with sobbing, it would be a harrowing experience.

Tears for Fears must be her worst band. The wet tissue lady. Yeah. How did she feel about wet flannels? Well, I mean, the friend wasn't there, you see, I was getting all this second hand. I should have said, ask her about flannels. Get her on the phone. I don't like flannels, generally, but I wouldn't say I was afraid of them.

No, I mean, it's like saying, I like, you know, bees. Because they might sting me. I mean, it's a genuine reason not to like a flannel. Yeah, but, no, it's, you know, bees. Because they might sting me. I mean, it's a genuine reason not to like a flannel. Yeah, but, you know, borderline, isn't it? What's a flannel going to do? What? Nothing, they're harmless, the flannels.

They are, the flannel population have never hurt anyone. I don't know why they're so oppressed. Anyway, so that got me to thinking about my other strange fears and things. And I suppose it's a mix of fears and things that I find genuinely upsetting. And this sounds like I'm saying this for comic effect, but this is absolutely true. If I see anyone, any human being, interview Miss Piggy. It honestly gets me so I can't breathe. Really?

I find it so anxiety-making. I watched someone doing it on one of the morning programmes recently. And people do this thing. It's always incredibly awkward. It's always this running thing that Miss Piggy is glamorous and very, very famous, of course. And that's the basis of the humour. And then at the end of it, the interviewer always looks at you

as if to say, I bet you've never seen this done before. That was a bit of a... And honestly, I can feel it in my shoulders. I could feel tension taking up. Still in distress? It was, oh, God. because you because you know that everybody knows it's a puppet that's what annoys me it's not even i don't know it's not because you know i've got a strange fear which is it's similar isn't it frank i fear i don't like cartoon characters holly

interacting with real people i feel physically sick you see i'm fine with that it's just but this is this is to do with something else i think think I understand it, Frank. What is it? I don't understand it. It's to do with this repeated superstar sex bomb awkward joke and the belief that if you interview Miss Piggy, you're really pushing the boat out and doing something different and original. It's not that you find Miss Piggy attractive. I think Miss Piggy is the least interesting of all the Muppets.

I don't know of any of the Muppets, but if I had to put together a list of... If there was a Muppet Will Smith, she'd be above him, but she'd still be very near the bottom. Actually, there is a Muppet. What's he called? Not Will Smith. Will Young. There is a Muppet Will Young, he called? Well, not Will Smith. Will Young. Will Young. There is a Muppet Will Young, isn't there?

I believe it's called Will Young. Hey? Oh. Do you see? Do you see? Because in many ways he is... Okay. If you've got any odd fears...

Old newspapers, Frank. Oh. Old newspapers. Oh, they're so sick. Is that just the past scares you? Yeah, yeah. I've got fears of old newspapers in case I'm in them, being criticised heavily.

I can understand that. Anyway, I can actually see one of my fears in front of me, but I explain after. Absolute Radio, Frank Skinner. Frank, you were talking earlier about strange fears. Hmm. Martin has texted in, my brother's wife is afraid of potato roots. She freaks out when you put them near her.

Potato roots? Surely potatoes are potato roots, aren't they? I think she means those funny growths that come out of them. Those things that come off them, yeah. Yeah, they're a bit creepy. I'm scared of, we've spoken about this before, but I'm scared of stingrays, any big, flat fish. Sca fish scares me maybe that's why i don't like flannels yeah spread a flannel out in a in a bath a tiled if you've ever had a tiled flannel with the long thin flannel bit at the end used for sort of flossing the body i'll tell you what i'm slightly phobic about um

guys is people drinking out of blue colored glasses oh i had an ex-boyfriend and he brought me a glass of wine and he said here you go and it was in a blue colored i almost wanted it made me feel ill i said i can't drink out of blue like a stained stained glass glass. I'll tell you why I hate it. Firstly, it's a bit faux medieval, which irritates me. But secondly, I can't see what's in it, Frank. And I don't like not being able to not know what's in it. So you wouldn't know if it was red or white. Exactly.

So it's less of a glass and more of a goblet. Exactly. It's borderline chalice. You've got a phobia of chalice. Borderline chalice is going to be the name. If ever I have a band, it's going to be called borderline chalice you've got a phobia of chalice borderline chalice is going to be the name if ever i have a band it's going to be called borderline chalice we have a known poisoner working for us currently as well so it puts the fear of god into me i have to say that sarah's tea it doesn't taste of chemicals anymore it just tastes of weak tea that's a that's a plus

yeah i think at the moment i think the the tea bag has been allowed to um at least enter into the same postcode as the hot water whilst not actually being immersed my parents regularly reuse the same tea bag they have done the same tea bag for four years it's maybe it's about time you filtered some of your showbiz earnings back to your parents are they living in some sort of hovel? Why is that? Is that because they're worried about caffeine? No, no, no.

I don't know what it is, honestly. I wish I did. They also, even, they only have proper coffee on high days and holidays, and the rest of the time they drink it instant, even though I say, I've bought you some posh coffee, you can help yourself. You have it, and I know they prefer it. They'll still stick to the instant in a sort of strange it's their what i call safe for best people yeah they're definitely the best people

they're what i call skin flips that's just wrong yeah but do you not have anything you can't take it with you you know do you know coffee no you not have any... Nice coffee? No, you can. Oh, can you? Yeah, they've just found out. Oh, sorry, I didn't know that. Sorry, I wasn't told.

They did a big... Can someone keep me up on that kind of thing? Frank, 224, the old 70s test card girl still scares me now. Oh, was you married to her? To Nicolette. I know, the girl with the Alice band. No, I know the girl he means. Strange orange waistcoat, Frank.

Did she have an orange waistcoat? I'm trying to recall. I trust you to notice such detail. Even at a young age. Even at that stage, to get an orange waistcoat, I don't think so. I clocked that sartorial mishap, Holly. Maybe she was moving towards the Hare Krishna at that time. Do people ever say Wesket anymore?

I say Wesket. Oh. But you say Birch Day. Yeah. I've never sounded more sorry in all my life, but you say Birch Day. But, yes, I don't think I do. No one's ever corrected me on Birch Day before. I have, repeatedly.

Yeah, I know you have. That's why I said no one, as in someone else. It is one of my fears yeah and i'm actually i'm doing it now and it gives me the shudderers and that is using a mouse not not using a mouse that wouldn't you know in some sort of exploitative way using a computer mouse without a computer mouse mat yeah i hate that feeling off road off piste yeah exactly i hate that feeling of wheel against desk it's like i imagine scalpel against bone for a surgeon that moment oh sorry everyone you know that when that happens in a big operation the the idea of scissors cutting scissors is something that makes me want to just scream.

Scissors cutting scissors. Imagine if a pair of scissors had to try and cut up another pair of scissors. Just describing it makes me feel physically sick. Can you hear the sound? Can you imagine it? Stop, stop, stop, stop. Oh, I've set my own teeth on edge. Oh, I've set my own teeth on edge.

Absolute Radio with Frank Schumer. I'm really disappointed now. I've just discovered that the artist has got some dialogue in him. You're not allowed to tell anyone that. You're not? Yes, you are. No, that's the big thing we're not allowed to talk about. Oh, is he a ghost?

Huh? He's Kaiser Soze. Oh, no. I hate people that won't let you give them spoilers. You're not seven. I just think if you're going to make a silent... See, this is when Mel Brooks made a silent movie. I thought that's incredibly brave. And then he has to have a line of dialogue in it.

No one can go the whole way. That's because if you don't have a line, you get paid less. That's what I discovered in the 90s. Oh, I see. Frank, we have a text in, 433. We're discussing fears here. I'm horrified by the thought of having to eat yoghurt out of an unvarnished bowl like terracotta.

The gooey scraping. The gooey scraping. I know what you mean. This is the sort of problem that someone in Captain Corelli's mandolin has. It's quite a Roman problem, I find, Holly. I saw something put my teeth on edge the other day. I'm not very good with people clipping their nails with those nail clippers. And someone on the bus was doing it into an old hummus container.

Which I respect the fact that they'd bought their own receptacle, but at the same time... Well, did they bring their own receptacle? Did they just find that on the bus? Well, you know... At least they were doing it into a container, though. Yeah, but even still, don't clip in public. You always get the missing one. I've carefully clipped, and at the end,

I've reassembled them on the carpet. And there's only ever nine. There's always the one that goes into the stratosphere and never, ever seen again. Frank, we've had another text in, and I believe, Frank, it's from R. Keith. You're kidding me. Well, he says,

putting hot tea bag in the bin, bro. Keith. That's that, yes. That sounds very R. Keith. That was, I think that, yeah, that does sound like R. Keith. I know R. Keith does listen to the show. Well, hello. sounds very our Keith that was uh I think that yeah that that does sound like our Keith um I know our Keith does listen to the show um well hello hello bro uh yes he's referring to the

fact that my my mom um told us that we couldn't put hot tea bags in the bin in case we set the bin on fire she um she had a basic ignorance of physics. What are you supposed to do with them? You should have given them to my parents. They would have used them. Yeah, exactly. Why waste them? I think your parents should have got together. My parents would have probably driven down to Birmingham

to pick them up, to take them back, to use them. I don't know if they'd have used that kind of petrol. That's what they should do. They should get a bag bank, tea bag bank outside, and then the locals can leave their tea. Yeah. Be good.

The trouble is Mary Bale would have a cat in there before they'd turn their backs. Mary Bale. Tea scene. Mary Bale, she makes me feel fine. Blowing down the back roads of my mind Frank, Julie says ink on the skin, I can't bear it

a tiny bit of viral makes me hightail it straight to the nearest sink sometimes people write phone numbers on their hands Julie I know, yes see I always have to write jokes that I'm going to remember on the back of my hand which means people are sitting next to me and they look over

and I've got written on my hand, you know, like... Say something clean. Horse nipping. Horse nipping, yeah. I don't like it when you see comics and they've got all their little set lists on their hands. Yeah, but that's just part of the job. Get over it.

I think I've told this story before of Bruce Forsyth. I knew someone who worked with Bruce Forsyth, and he had all his notes just on his thumb, just on one thumb. And the woman said, you must have brilliant eyesight. And he said, oh, well, secret is, never read a book. I thought, that's something to be proud of there, Bruce. That's the similarities between him and Victoria Beckham end. Yeah.

Didn't she pride herself for not reading a book? She must have read David's autobiography. I think she just saw the live film of it as it happened. Yeah. Well, that's true. Of course, she was there for most of it, but not all of it. He might have revealed loads of stuff that she didn't know a bit. It's always best to check up.

I'm getting a thing about handshakes, since the avians and all those things. If someone shakes my hand... Oh, yeah, I don't shake hands. I sort of leave it hanging limp until I can get to a sink. I bring a baby white brown with me. Do you? Yeah.

I put on a single satin glove. Which I then take off in front of them. I wondered what that was about, your single satin glove. Or don't they take off and run to them? I wondered what that was about, your single satin glove. I'm thinking of getting a couple of hawking gauntlets. And if I got two hawks, then no one would think I was just, you know, not wanting to shake hands with their bare hand. I think it was practical reason. I was recently bored.

Did I tell you this? I was bored to hawking weekend. I don't mean spitting. I mean going out with a hawk weekend i don't mean spitting i mean going out with uh oh yeah lovely sort of kez thing yeah you go into you have a walk in the country and then you hold up your wrist and it uh it emerges through the uh through the branches lovely and then uh you can go and uh you can have the one when you actually hunt wildlife. And I think the other one is lion bars.

I think it hunts lion bars. They hide lion bars in the woods. And the hawk goes and gets them. Looking forward to it. What else? Well, I've also got Gary from Bridgewaterwater my dad hates seeing rain in movies or tv shows it depresses him apparently oh well he should go to sing in the rain when the rain is live if you can have live rain well they pour water on people water comes out of the stage and um

onto the actors and also onto the first i think six get drenched. So do people bring umbrellas? I think when they did it in Chichester, I think they gave people those... Ponchos. Those sort of see-through, plasticky... Yeah, ponchos. Like the ones you get on the front of a log flume. Very much so.

Yeah, exactly. They're going from basically log flume wear. And I don't know about you, but I won't wear log flume. Very much so. Yeah, exactly. They're going from basically log flume wear. And I don't know about you, but I won't wear log flume wear. Out of context. No, you're right. I won't do it, Frank. You know, it's bang on trend, log flume. Have you not seen London Fashion Week?

I don't care, I won't do it. It's my final word on the subject. Yeah, you must have saw the Thorpe Park show at London Fashion Week. I wouldn't come near you because you'd look like a giant stingray. Yeah, you would. What about that? I'm going to dress as a log next week just to prove the point. Oh, God.

Not you. Don't think that for a second. Absolute Radio with Frank Schumer. that for a second absolute radio with frank skimmer now i just used the sentence 15 seconds to the end of blondie which i bet hitler said that so that's the name of his alzation who we this is frank skinner on absolute radio i'm with emily dean and holly walsh Emily Dean and Holly Walsh. Everybody. Oh, Elvis, I still love you.

Frank? I'm reading a book at the moment called Treat Me Nice, which somebody sent me. Oh, lovely. In which, basically, it compares Elvis and his career to Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. Well, not Frankenstein, but the monster. Oh, I see. And so the Colonel is...

The Colonel is Dr Frankenstein, Elvis is the monster. The child who sits at the end of the lake is the Elvis fans. The family who discover the blind man with the monster are people, the critics. I'm glad we've been quite thorough about that metaphor. Every aspect of the metaphor. He pushes it. Just like he doesn't need to see the artist now. It's interesting because at first I thought this is strained to the extreme,

but I can't leave it alone. Keep going back. Now, Frank, there's been rather a lot of people walking up and down the stairs recently, or as I call them, award ceremonies. Oh, yes. There was the BAFTAs, which I wasn't invited to this year, Holly. That's unusual. Well, I normally am, but I'm not in Stephen Fry's salon, I'm afraid.

No. How does one get in that salon? I'm a bit white trash for him, I think., but I'm not in Stephen Fry's salon, I'm afraid. No. How does one get in that salon? I'm a bit white trash for him, I think. Oh, surely not. But, yeah, well, you need to know someone. Ideally, someone presenting it. That helps. But if anybody knows someone, it's you.

Surely. But the Brits? So, no BAFTAs, no Brits. You didn't go to the Brits? No, well, I was. I could have gone to the Brits. Can I put it out there? I could have gone to the Brits. I just it out there I could have gone to the Brits

I just I wasn't very well but um I quite I like the look of it did you guys watch it on telly I watched a bit of it I yeah

I mean it was Chelsea Napoli were on was on live that night so that it was a straight choice between and to be honest

the Brits it's not they're not going to have people on who I like or very unlikely that that's going to happen. No. Chinchee Strider's not on it. As it said in...

He's one of your favourites. To quote Isaiah 55, your ways are not my ways, your thoughts not my thoughts. I paraphrased it, but you know what I mean. I do think this is for people who like Olly Murs. I'm not saying... I do think this is for people who like Olly Murs. Will Young. Yeah, I could imagine Will Young just popping up on it.

It wouldn't surprise me. I remember when I was a kid being so excited about the Smash Hits poll winner's party and, like, tuning in on a Sunday afternoon whenever it was on and it being, like, a massive highlight of my teenage years. And I wonder if the brits has that sort of same effect on today's youth oh yeah i mean i'm sure people people i think young people and idiots are who like it um and i you know i've got a lot of time for certainly for

young people and idiots in their place so i don't i'm not trying to ban the brits i hosted the brits did you yes and I I would say about three minutes in I would have been happy for someone to come over and say we've got to go to the news isn't it just you waiting for the crowd to stop screaming it's it's it was me doing joke after joke and then disappearing into empty not if you can imagine throwing poppies onto a bonfire, that's what it's like doing jokes at the Brits. We see James Corden says he's abandoned the concept of doing jokes because he says it's just about the music.

No, that was the decision. They came to the decision that no comic could do it eventually. It's a giant corporate, though, isn't it, in a way? The giant's corporate, isn't it, on the north coast of Ireland? But he got himself into a bit of a scrape again, because he has got form, James Corden. I don't know if you ever saw at the Glamour Awards he had a run-in with Patrick Stewart.

Were you there? Well, no, but I have to say... You weren't at the Glamour Awards? That doesn't make any sense. It's a rival magazine, fam. Oh, sorry. But I don't just recall it. I've actually committed the entire exchange to memory.

That's how much I loved that particular one. No, I remember you delighting in the Stewart versus Corden. Yes, but this year it was Adele. Yes, but, you know, I... You know, it used to be people jumping up and pulling their trousers down in front of mike in michael jackson and stuff like that i know it's someone having their speech curtailed it's not it's not a big controversy you see well i thought it was fair enough too imagine if frank started talking over with tom she smiley was talking yeah cutting to the news

that wouldn't that wouldn't go down very well. If Tamshe Smiley was thanking her friends and family and everyone she'd ever worked with, I wouldn't blame you. Well, she wasn't, though, was she? She was about to. Now, to be honest, she just said, I'm very proud to be British

and very proud to be flying the flag. I was worried that it was all going a bit rivers of blood. And I think that's why they told him to jump in at any moment. Like the Roman I seem to see, the River Tiber. I mean, you know, it did her a favour. How do you know that? Doesn't everyone know that?

We did it at school in the West Midlands in the 70s. It was on the syllabus. Frank, I was a little worried about george michael george michael um all i'm gonna say is i hope someone ordered him a little addison lee home yeah i think he seemed a bit sluggish yes a little bit he wasn't quite himself holly really no i love george michael do you yeah i think you'd have been in with a chance that night this could have been your one you know on on that list of Will Young, near the bottom? Yeah. Where would George Michael come in, then?

George Michael? I mean, I've never been a fan of George Michael's music, but I mean, I respect him as a human being. In a list of everyone in Britain, he'd be in the last third. Still sporting a Nehru collar. What's a Nehru collar? I love a Nehru, though. Oh, yeah. So does George. I. Still sporting a Nehru collar. What's a Nehru collar? I love a Nehru, though. Oh, yeah.

So does George. I used to have a Nehru. Like Pandit Nehru, the sort of, you know, that Mandarin collar. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think we just had a message on my earpiece that that's the first time Pandit Nehru has ever been mentioned on Absolute Radio,

so let's savour that and let's celebrate it with this. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. Frank, we've had some emails in. We've had an extraordinary email here. Are we talking email or text? Well, they get hold of us through both means, to be honest with you. Oh, I see. This one says, dear Valued Customer.

Oh, that old, that old opener. You have one new important message waiting in your inbox folder. Please supply all of the following information. Best regards, Cooperative Bank PLC Security Department. That sounds like someone trying to steal my identity on air. I think they could be a little bit more discreet about it, couldn't they? If you want to text us, if you're a major security company or bank, we're on 81215.

I'm not going to respond to that one. Are you not? I'm not going to send my details to that person, just in case. Yeah. There's something a bit dodgy going on. Could be a scam. What details do they want? Well, I don't know.

It says, please... Oh, there's something nestling in my inbox. We've also had a text... From what went in the deep, as they say. From Kevin. I thought it was just drafts. Yeah. I thought it was the drains.

Carry on. Kevin? Well, you were talking about... Your mum was claiming that bin fires could be started from tea bags. Hot tea bags, obviously. Kevin says, when I was living with a few mates, I really don't like the house. I don't like the sound of the mates. I bet they had fun there, though.

I bet there was love in the room. It was all so fungus. Don't like the mates. We had a bin fire at about 1am after a boozy night out. See, I told you. None of us smoked and the only thing that was put in the bin was the leftovers of a kebab.

We managed to put out the fire but it badly damaged the kitchen. The fire brigade came and they could see no evidence of what caused the fire so it must have been the kebab. Kevin. That would be I'm thinking chilli sauce. When it's really hot. Oh god when it's really hot oh god when it's really hot like it'll

take a bin with it don't worry about that's a bit of a mystery i like that it's a element of the marie celeste spontaneous combustion yeah by the way speaking of uh terrible disasters i'm this talk of the brits reminded me of i sidestepped what could have been a career-destroying thing. My plan when I did the Brits... It didn't go very well when I did the Brits. I don't know if you remember this. God, I hate talking about it. Yeah, but my original plan...

I remember the waistcoat, I remember everything. I know, it was his shirt, actually. I was lovely that time. He wore a Union Jack shirt. He wore a Union Jack shirt, great suit. My Irish relatives have never spoken to me since. But anyway, my plan was to go on in a Union Jack mini dress and a ginger wig and go on as Jerry and do the opening thing as Jerry.

Now, the opening thing basically died. Imagine me being dressed as Jerry and dying. That image would have lived. It would have been, it would have killed me. I would have probably taken my own life. Or at least, at the very least, developed a terrible eating disorder as part of my characterisation.

But thank God I changed my mind. Were you going to have a fridge as well on stage and you were going to crouch at it eating chocolate? I was going to... Is that what she did? What, how do you know that? Because I've read autobiography. Have you? Get reading.

What do you mean? I've read it as well. It's in the Marxist bookshop. Who has it? Yeah, it is. What do you mean? She crouched at a tiny fridge? It was in the bin, actually.

Red Spice, they called it. Yeah, George Michael's house. There was a bin. I don't... Yeah, I think... Yeah, it's a sad story. Yeah, it is, actually. Red Spice, they called it. Yeah, George Michael's house, there was a bin. Yeah, it's a sad story. To be honest, she's my favourite Spice Girl. I know people don't often discuss their favourite Spice Girls anymore. It's a slightly

90s conversation. It's like saying, what size global hyper-colour t-shirt should I buy? She's like that. But I've always had a soft spot for Geri, not just because she bought me underpants, but I just think she's, you know, she's a bit of a... I like her.

Anyway, that's the Geri Halliwell thing. I'm prepared to defend Geri Halliwell to the hilt, but I'm very glad I didn't dress up as her because that would have been the end of the world. Also, the chances of you getting together with her dressed as her would be slimmer, I should think. I have no intention of getting together with her. That's not how I like her.

Yeah, but back in the day. That's not how I like her. That's not how I like her. I like her as a person. That's how I like her. So there's no romantic... I'm a Marxist. It's not like you and George Michael.

No, exactly. Or even like me and George Michael. I'd have more chance with George Michael than you would. What about that? Don't you be ashamed of yourself? And I'm 20 years your senior. Frank. Frank.

Frank. Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. So, Frank, Holly has been mentioning one of my greatest fears this morning which is bread oh yes do not fear the bread it's good for you though although i have given up for lent that is that's right yeah so you're quite you take all this quite seriously what well this lent business well i was having this discussion the other week whether you do it for yourself or whether you're

doing it for religious reasons and i'm sure most people don't do it for religious reasons. But I decided for health reasons and much anything I should really give up. Bread. I urge any atheist listening to not give up anything for Lent and basically mind your own business. So, you know, I don't give up anything for science.

This was all quite an unfamiliar concept to me with my strange agnostic parents. They didn't really tell me about stuff like that. They told me how to load a bong and things like that. But they didn't really tell me how to... Can I say that Absolute Radio urges you not to load a bong? Generally.

Say no to loading bongs. Obviously Christmas is all right. But not... But the idea behind it, Frank, so it's a sort of self-disciplined thing, is it? Well, I mean, the basics is when Jesus goes out into the wilderness and doesn't eat and drink for 40 days and 40 nights, so it's a bit of...

It's like Fashion Week. Solid. for 40 days and 40 nights, so it's a bit of... It's like Fashion Week. So, solidarity, that's what it's all about. Oh, I see. But I remember we had a priest when I used to go to Swiss Cottage Church, Father Dickey, and I remember he said, he was on about Lent, and he said, oh, L about Lent, and he said,

Oh, and Lent, a time of great spiritual renewal. It's not Weight Watchers! And that's what you've turned into, Weight Watchers. I have a bit. Because people give up chocolate and all that. My parents don't drink for the whole month. But then they only would have had about two drinks between them for the whole time anyway. A bit of all creme de menthe left over from ten years ago. They'd have had about 200 drinks between them for the whole time anyway. Yeah. That's not what they did. A bit of all creme de menthe left over.

Yeah, they would have just... They'd have had about 200 drinks, but only one teabag. Yeah. Is what they would have done. Now, he used to say, I think, whenever he mentioned the Reformation, he would say, the biggest legal land grab of all time. That was his thing. And he also talked about they'd had a christening and some Catholics had come around and been for ages

and they didn't know where to stand or when to sit. I remember he said they were lapsed up to the eyeballs. Lapsed. Great expression. But I don't give up stuff for Lent anymore. What are you going to... I add. Are you taking up?

I add. What are you going to take up? I'm reading the book of Job for Lent. Do you know it? Yeah. I've just passed the bit with Bildad the Shoeite. It gets really good after that, doesn't it? Oh, no spoilers, please, guys.

They're all ghosts. They are now. There's only one line. Eliphaz the Temenite is just about to speak. That's where I'm up to at the moment. And it's about 42 chapters, so it's perfect for Lent. You can do a chapter a day. That's the well-balanced way.

It's one of my five a day. So that's what I'm doing. I'd recommend that to you. Are you reading the whole of the Bible then? No, no, I'm just doing Job for Lent. What tempted you by Job? recommend that to him. Are you reading the whole of the Bible then? No, no, I'm just doing Job for Lent. What tempted you by Job? I think it was when I became

aware of the fact that Satan's in it quite a lot. Satan and God talk quite a lot in it in a sort of general... He says to Satan, where have you been? He says, I've just been walking to and fro and up and down in the world. Brilliant. There's an incredible

Christa Berg song where the devil and God talk. Really? Yeah. What's that called? Spanish Train. Lady in Red? No. Spanish Train. Talking about the devil? Yeah. I'm going to have a listen to that. It's amazing. It's basically a big chat between God and the devil about a man playing cards. It sounds very rock opera.

That's the sort of thing Christa Christopher would have been into, I reckon. It was quite a song. Does he use a pot's herd to scrape his boils? Yeah. That's what Joe does. He gets covered in boils. You'll love this, Em. And he uses, like, a piece of old jagged pottery to scrape them off.

Oh! Yeah. Anyway, I'm enjoying it so far. And eating chocolates at the same time. So it's the best of all possible worlds. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer!

Absolute Radio! Frank, um, Darren has emailed in. From Bewitched! As played by Dick York. Oh, was that post Larry Hagman, I believe. No, he was I Dream of Jeannie.

I do apologise. Darren has emailed in. I Dream of Jeannie. Whereas Bewitched was... It's a very fine line. Much more jaunty, I think, Bewitched. More up my strata.

So he's emailed in after Joe Darby was mentioned on the show last week. Joe Darby. I should explain to Holly who wasn't here. Who is Joe Darby? Joe Darby was... When I grew up in the West Midlands, he was offspoken of as a local legend. He was...

I think he was 19th century, early 20 local legend he he was um i think he was 19th century early 20th and he was a jumper he used to uh jump he could jump onto his child's face off the table and then jump off again without hurting her and he could jump onto a basket of eggs and off i love them without hurting her footnotes the little ass well obviously anyone can jump off a table and do a child's face, but you know, there's certain things that you want to add to that. And he could jump onto the canal and off again, and his feet would, the

soles of his shoes would get wet, but nothing else. Well, Darren says, Hi Frank, I was so intrigued by your tales of the exploits of Joe Darby, the canal jumper from Netherton in the black country that i just had to read more about him there was a short paragraph about him in the wikipedia entry for netherton however further down the page there was a roll call of the great and

good from the town imagine my surprise when i noted that sammy pig iron white house not pig achieved fame of sorts in 1921 when he won a four-mile race from Dudley Top Church through Netherton whilst carrying a hundredweight of pig iron. I love a hundredweight. I don't know if... I got pig iron! I got all pig iron!

I don't know if all competitors were forced to carry a similar burden or if old Piggy was merely showboating. I've never heard of him. What was he called again? He was called Sammy Pig Iron Whitehouse. Yeah, I knew a lot of Whitehouses. And can I just say, I love the way that's yours in sport, Darren. Oh, excellent. Great sign-off.

Excellent. What is pig iron? Pig iron is a sort of a cheap version of iron, I think. I think the materials are less than your top-notch iron. I could be wrong about that. It's something I used to shout on a regular basis on the show because it was on a Lonnie Donegan track. You know how it is.

An old-school shout-out. Yeah, exactly. I do sometimes think that television is not necessarily a good thing, because when there was no television, people tried stuff like jumping on and off their child's face without hurting it. Whereas, you know, it's so easy to just get in and put the telly on and sit there. Who would think, you know, I might do a four-mile race carrying 100-meter pig iron nowadays? You wouldn't. You'd watch One Born Every Minute. guy nowadays you wouldn't you'd watch one born every minute you know um they should come out with a wee uh like wee version of the canal jumper that'd be brilliant where you have a pad in the middle of the room and you have to sort of nimbly jump onto it and off it and on the screen is a big image of a sort of black country canal that would make me so happy there was another child's face i wish i could remember his name now but he was he was a contemporary i think though i never saw him he he could um lift up one of those

metal bar room tables with a barmaid sitting on it he could lift that up in the air which is uh you know the pig the the jumping guy that's sort of like parkour or parkour well how do you say it parquet parquet yeah parquet parquet parcam parkour do you mean onion pakora a parquet flooring what are you talking about um you know park parkour parkour we're just going to take a pause. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Next.

I read a story this week about the fact that they're going to ban the word mademoiselle in France. Because they say it's sexist. See, I didn't realise until I read that article that mademoiselle is about whether you're married or single. I thought it was an age thing. I do. Oh, now you tell me. Yeah. But I've been madamed all my life.

Well, I used to think it would be really stressful to look at a woman, you know, in sort of mid-thirties and think, oh, God, do I go mademoiselle or do I go madame? You look for the ring. That's what you look for. Oh, so you count the rings. Yeah. It gives you such a spring in your step when you get a mamzelle. When you get mamzelled. Say that again.

If I get a mamzelle or a missy or anything like that, I'd... No, Holly, you're still very much a mamzelle. I'm 31. I'm borderline madame. Don't start declaring ages. We don't do that here. The natural order's in pieces. I'll say how old I am and then we'll all stare at Emily.

See if we can force her into a confession. There'll be a chiming bell. Yeah, exactly. I have a chiming bell if we need one. Oh, good. Hmm. It's alright. I've got Germany. Have you ever been called master? Well, I am. I am.

I have a master's degree, so I suppose in a way, yes. Oh, yeah. Pause for the audience to go, you've got what? Yeah, so, but I've never been called master. I think when I was a kid, they used to get, if you got a letter, you know when you get a letter when you're a kid, it's like the biggest deal ever. I've got like four letters in my whole childhood. And it used to say to master, on your birthday and stuff. Oh, I love that.

Or from the Vino magazine, if you'd wrote in, I sometimes get that. What, they'd write to you? Yeah, sometimes stuff i love that from the vino magazine if you wrote in i sometimes get that but they'd write to you yeah sometimes well back from the big knowledge correspondence i'd had with them i mean when i was a kid i never read the vino online was there a letters page in the vino i might have written to it a couple of times i might have copied someone else's letter and passed off as my own work don't judge oh dear what all happened to uh mademoiselle from armadillos the great old british army song you're familiar with that no it's one of the best uses uh what do they call it when you is it strong glaze when they mix up it goes mademoiselle from armadillos parley voo when they mix up.

It goes, Mademoiselle from Armitage, par-ly-voo. Mademoiselle from Armitage, par-ly-voo. And then, Mademoiselle from Armitage, she hasn't been kissed for 40 years,

inky pinky par-ly-voo. I've cleaned it up a bit. Yes, it sounds like you have. Yes. Inky pinky par-ly-voo. I mean, it doesn't get any better than that. But that would have to go. That's fine. It would have to be,

Madame from Armitage, forget about it. Well, one of the objections as well is that, so it suggests a woman is available, which I personally see as no bad thing. Well, I didn't realise from, and this is, I'm always looking to put another little thing in the cupboard of my knowledge, that Wazelle means virgin or simpleton oh right so

madame wazzell yeah means old ma simpleton sort of thing old ma simpleton see i bumped into old ma simpleton down at the store i like wazzell it is good i I'm a fan of that. I'm a fan of all any new words I discover, I'm happy to hold on to. So would you be happy if there was a sort of male equivalent of a word, you know, like Monsieur Wazelle.

A word that said if I was married or not. I think, um, Mr. Man. What about that? Mr. I think Mr. Man what about that Mr. Man Mr. Man yeah Mr. Ron like the enemies

in Captain Scarlet see I don't like Ms. Frank as well sounds a bit strident yeah I don't like Ms. the thing is I think in French they say

Les Mis oh no I've got mixed up with the musical of the same name Un momento Frank we've had people texting in more of their fears which um i rather like uh 048 this is tim in lanks my wife is scared

of open scissors i send her photos of these from work and tell her i left them that way she freaks that's nice a bit of torture. Yeah, exactly. This is the great joy of the camera phone. You can really annoy people with it. We've also had in on 276, my friend has a massive fear of man-made structures, particularly pylons. I can see that, though. Can you?

I remember there was a TV show called show um called the triat tripods and uh do you remember that i don't know but i think they might have been i might not have got a part in that so man-made structures that's that includes buildings that's scaffolding yeah it makes life that's makes life yeah slide what's those things in Japan those like pointy things pagodas temples and finally thank Cassandra from Surrey

I have a fear of tinfoil covered toffee oh that's fair enough I can see tinfoil being a problem you get that on your fillings but before we condemn tinfoil out of hand, it can be used to buy guide dogs for the blind. So it's not all bad.

You know, nothing's all bad, is it? I bet you Will Young, if you got talking to him for a bit, would come up with something and you'd think, well, actually, maybe I've misjudged Will Young. It's like a modern-day parable. Yeah, he is like a modern-day parasol. Is that what you said? I thought that he's

lacy, but one can in some way take shelter under him from the blazing sun. Lacy? That's my summary. That's the new quote on the front of his album. Anyway, we move now towards the end of the show. I've got to drive to West Bromwich Albion

listening to my new audio book, Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath. Looking forward to that. I'll keep you all posted on the Book of Job as Lent progresses. Because I know there'll be people thinking, oh, what happens next with the Book of Job? And you won't want to go out and get one yourself.

You can download Not The Weekend podcast. That's available to download from Wednesday. And that'll be this week. It'll be me, Em, and Holly talking some more about other, you know, the usual rubbish we talk. Mark Crossley is next. And I think it's fair to say that if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back next week at the same time. Goodbye. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner.