The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - First Crush

Episode Date: February 23, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank is back after having the noro virus. The team discuss first crushes, haunted mirrors and receive an interesting Peter the Wild update!

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio and with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. You can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. And buy your power tools from Jeff's on the high street. Are they the best place? When I read that bit, I do feel like I'm about to do one of those adverts that sometimes you have to do on commercial radio. Perhaps we can chuck one in each hour just for a good one.

I don't know. I think I might have to run away. Renegue. If I waste ground, if that happened. Yeah, Renegue. I watched Hello, Hello last week week how does it stand up um i laughed oh i did that funny lovely review funny french voice is funny though i mean that's what that good moaning yeah still works for me i find that funny what a great job that bloke had just mispronouncing the result on wasn't it? You're back, Frank.

I am back. And I've been... I should explain to regular listeners that I had the Noro. Oh, did you? Yeah. It's everywhere, the Noro. And I felt I was missing out a bit. It's like when I was at school, I was the only one who hadn't got a crombie.

Right. And, you know, in case you don't know, they were like long blue overcoats. Right. And I haven't heard the show. I'm not a person who goes away and listens to the podcasts. I can't stand to listen to myself wittering on that stupid accent. I won't have you say that. It's a lovely accent. I have to say, Emily was in the chair in case you missed last week. Oh, I felt sick. The Cockerel was also in absentia. And it was great.

I think it's the best the show's ever been shut up i am i am serious i thought i felt a bit like um do you know when jack doherty used to have a chat show on uh on channel four and then he had two weeks off and graham norton sat in for him and then when the comedy awards came along graham norton won it for Best Chat Show for those two weeks. Is that right? Yeah. Ouch. That's what I felt like.

Can I tell you what I felt like? Imagine if this wins the Sony Gold for the week you were off. I felt like it was a One Direction concert and someone had come on and announced, I'm sorry, Adam Ant will be here doing Owen's stuff. That's what I felt like. Oh, well, it was the exact opposite. As you know, because I don't know if you

heard any of the show. I did. At one point, they read out a text from a listener that said it'd be better if I died so that Emily remained. They never. They didn't. Or did they say, better if he's ill next week, I think they said.

I don't know, but I halted one mid-read because mainly it contained praise, but I didn't know it had made a reference to your day. It was definitely... If it wasn't death, I was hoping that the illness would be prolonged. Oh, God! The terrible thing was I thought, you know, I agree.

Can I say something? I don't see the texts and emails, as you don't. I didn't know that. Did you avoid that? Oh, yes. Oh, interesting. I didn't want to see them. I thought it was...

I just thought it was better with a female voice in there. Oh, shut up. Swap chairs, then. I did, I think. I thought... This is the most awful thing. I'll talk from it while you swap chairs, if you want. I'll tell you what it was.

I thought something I hadn't thought for about 30 years. I thought it sounded very with it. Oh yeah? Really with it. It was. It sounded with it. Was it all the rage? With it. Frank, can I say something to you? I do have newfound respect for you though. I did miss you enormously. Newfound.

Yeah, yeah. But, no, Frank! This is what sort of things that Merlin said to Gies as his magic became greater. It became apparent that he was the great wizard. Frank, there's a very technical side to it as well. In fact, that threw me all those buttons. Yeah, I didn't like the buttons.

I couldn't deal with that. Now you're playing the helpless female role. What I'm basically saying... She is, I am as well. The conclusion I've come to is after having examined my conscience before God, I have come to the certainty that my strengths due to old age

are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of the Petrine ministry. Was that a quote from... Was that from Benedict? That was Benedict's leaving speech. I don't know if he went to his leaving, do you? I never know.

Benedict, it was... I think I had a gig that night. It was probably a juicy corporate. It's not until the 28th, actually. Frank, you can't go away again, though, please. Well, I tell you, I think... I'm not suggesting we have a listener vote, because I might have to take my own life.

But I just honestly thought it was excellent. And I thought the last week's show that I did was particularly poor. So, I mean, side by side, by Sondheim. Don't put them side by side. We wouldn't have made that reference last week. No, it was. And the show would have been all the poorer for it, may I say. Well, I feel, I say. Well, I feel...

I tell you what, I feel like... You know when Bruce Forsyth was ill one week, or he had a week off, and they had Claudia and Tess do it on their own? It was much better. I feel like the returning Bruce. You know, the wrinkled face replacing the beautiful female. Oh, God, I'm ashamed of myself.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have a suggestion for something we can talk about. Is it a surfing suggestion? Keep the show with it. Is it like on Vesta Beef Curry where the suggestion was that you put the rice in a circle?

Oh, is that what the restaurant put there? Is that the suggestion? Do you know, I still do that. In the poshest of Indian restaurants, I put rice in a circle. Do you? And then pour the sauce in the middle. And do you have a layer of rice on top of the plate as well, or is it going right on plate, the curry? Oh, right on plate. Really? Yeah. It looks a bit like, if you can imagine, a sort of Asian subcontinent jammy dodger.

Yes. Is the meat, is the sort of village in the wall, in the rice wall? Yes, if you imagine a walled village, the curry is the village and the rice is the wall. I love that. Or in an old western, the curry is the pioneers and the rice is the wagons in a circle. I was going to say the wagons in a circle. Oh, I love that one. In fact, there's probably another Indian reference in here because, of course, you have the oldfashioned, the Red Indians, as they were called in the old days. Yes.

And they were, yeah. No, it wasn't that. Well, that's because they were furious. Yeah. That's right. They were always furious. It wasn't that that I was going to suggest to make the show with it. Come on, what's going to make us all the rage?

I mean, I'm going to say the words that we try not to say. The Brits. I think we should discuss the Brits, because they've been in the papers. Oh, look, it's a long time ago, why don't you just leave it I mean this week I don't mind discussing it I don't like to press a bruise that's existed for a number of years

it's not a bruise, it's a gaping seeping wound it's a Crimea wound you two are the sort of people I suspect would have had a look at it wound. It's a Crimea wound. You two are the sort of people I suspect would have had a look at it if you were channel hopping. You two would definitely have looked at it. With their massive heads.

I don't think they would have. I didn't. I didn't. You didn't have a look? No. Oh, I did. I checked it out. I mean, the great thing about music, of of course is that we're all different uh-huh yeah and if i was to pick the music that i least want to listen to it would have been not

too far away for them the list of winners at the brits yeah now that's not i'm not challenging the basic essence of that music or its quality i'm just saying i personally find it abhorrent yeah um it just i tell you what it felt like if you look at the winners list it looked like the you know when there's a royal family based gig yeah like a prince's trust or concert for diana are we talking queen in a cloak or more charles I know what you mean. But you know, when you see the list of bands, you think, oh, yeah, of course, it's that list of safe, no sharp edges, no original thought, turned out stuff. And that's what it felt like to me.

I'm sorry to seem like, again, the resigning pope. But I thought it was awful. I didn't watch it because it makes me feel poorly. Oh, I didn't watch it either. But this chap, Harry Styles, has got himself in the papers quite a lot because his ex, Taylor Swift, whose work I know not,

she apparently did a raunchy dance. Well, you should read InStyle next month because she will be in it. Shall I? Yes. Taylor Swift will be in it. Yes,? Yes. Tyler Swift will be in it. Yes, she's our cover girl. That's what we call it, our cover girl.

Well, she's a pretty girl. And he's a very handsome young fellow. He is a handsome boy. I like him. You say that. I think he looks like a 30-year-old mum without make-up. He looks quite good for her age. He's got the feminine about him, that Harry.

I have to say, I saw a picture of him. I googled him to learn who he was, and I saw a picture of him with his actual mum, who he took to the after-party. Oh, don't say I would. Yeah, I was going to say exactly that. I fancy his mum. Oh, Frank.

I think she's 42, so she's just a bit older than me. She's a lot older than me. He used to have a sort of a... His hair had a hint of the fringe. We're not changing the subject. I still fancy his mum. I don't think it's right to talk about his mum. I know you want to move on, but I don't.

I think we can talk about him, but I don't think we can leer at his mother. Why not? She's fit. I'm sorry, Danny Dyer appears to be co-presenting the show with his fang. It just seems wrong to me. Why not? She's fit. But you know, he used to have a bit of a fringe, Harry.

He did, Frank. It looks like that when they drive the tour bus to things like the Brits, he's the one with his head out the window all the way down the motorway. Oh, yeah. You know, the doc does that. I think Harry Styles has got his head out

because he's so completely swept back. And his face is also showing a hint of g-force about it which I've never noticed before but I must say there's something happening at the lower end of his shirt which I find remarkable

Frank? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio You Absolute Radio. You left us on something of a Harry Styles. Well, I was just looking and I thought, there are many differences between the old and the young, but what it is for me, it's that the last button you see of the shirt before it disappears into the trousers.

Oh, his shirt is tucked in, is it? His shirt was tucked in and I tucked mine in as well. But the last shirt button for me is under incredible strain and duress. I mean, it's torn up. Do you know what? It's a hard-working button. Oh, the cotton, the cotton on that last button for me, it could go at any moment.

Right. I mean, it's straining. His, the button was just sitting relaxed. It could go at any moment. Right. I mean, it's straining. His, the button was just sitting relaxed. He was just lying back with his feet up. And that's the great thing about youth. I respect it. Because he's young and lean, you mean? Yeah, he's young and lean.

Because he's bought a shirt that's a size too big. Which is it? No, I don't think he's done that. He's very slender, Harry Styles. Well, I mean, he burns off a lot of calories, let's face it. He does, yeah. You mean with his womanising ways? Yeah.

Or his being a pop star? But come on, if I was in One Direction, come on, it's the last thing I'd be going. No, I don't... You know, he's a young man living it up. Isn't he? And they're punishing him for it. Have you noticed that?

Did you see the new video? Oh, yeah. He's hardly in it. Oh, no. They've not ostracized him and someone was telling me that they interviewed um one direction uh for a thing and they were saying the the press people saying don't mention don't have any we don't have any individual questions about harry oh it's cheryl syndrome i think it's they're turning on him the way um

go compare turned on the fat opera singer and singer and made him a subject of ridicule. That's right. And the victim of people like Professor Stephen Hawking, who should know better. Well, the Go Compare band, are you suggesting? Before we know it, there's going to be an advert where Stuart Pearce kicks a ball at Harry Styles' head. Is that what's happening?

Well, yeah, give it six months and people will say, who's that that he's kicking a ball? One thing I did like about the Brits, I know you always like a lady showing him what he's missing. That's one of your favourite things and Taylor Swift did that. Yes. Well, as you may know, that's one of the worst things the press ever says is something like when an ex says, showing him what he's missing.

So I don't know about you, if I've been in a relationship and he breaks up, what I miss is not their flat bellies and their long legs, it's those little bits of conversation, those fun nights you had at the cinema, just a hand on your... the sound of her breathing in the middle of the night. The companionship. Warm, loving, special

things that make them... The companionship. Not their flat bellies. It's the little human connection things that you miss. Yeah. So, no. You're not having it. I'm not having it.

Also, let's face it, he's not exactly missing her, is he? No, he's doing fine. I mean, you know, the only cue for the last one is the next one. I should say he's about 17 down the road by now. That's why Helen's got that pink hair. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. We've heard from some of our readers. Nogget has texted in he says nice haircut frank from the back it looks pretty short prison chic as emily might say anyway welcome back oh it was emily welcome back it's nice yeah yeah it is quite short oh yeah i like it frank is it a um mr toppers did you go oh yeah oh god did you pay was it a Mr Toppers did you go did you pay was it a £9 haircut and you gave them a £1 tip no I gave them a £3 tip

lovely that's complicated that's a 33 and a third percent tip I hope you pointed that out as you were handing it over is it still the nice Australian yes still the nice Australian are you the same chap?

Well, no, it's a lady. It's a lady. It's potluck, you know. Just the last few times I've been in, she's happened to be free. It's worked out. Oh, that's good. Yes, I'm pleased with it.

In a sort of a so short, I don't need to put any product on it kind of a way. You know what I'm saying? It's a bit John McVicar. Yes. What about, how did James Corden do? I didn't watch On the Brits?

Was he, I heard he was a bit rude Oh was he? And I wondered, was Cordon blur? Oh Very good Oh he's done a great job Did you want to sashay on to email corner? I was just going to say, hasn't he re-established the jolliness of the overweight?

Yeah maybe Because we've jolliness of the overweight? Yeah, maybe. Because we've seen so much of the overweight. It's American, fat American women who can't get off their own toilet. They've become seen as tragic figures. Now, in my youth, it was jolliness. That was what fat people associated with. It's more of the Billy Bunter approach. Hasn't he gone down?

Well, I still think, if he has, he's... Yeah, he's been photographed more in the pre-phase. Yeah, I think he still looks... I think of him as a roly-poly fonster. Yes. Yeah. And we need more of those. So there's only fat people out there.

It's a bad time you re-established yourselves as jolly. Cheer up. Yeah. You're making it look like a... I'm surprised they get so many recruits nowadays, because it looks grim. What do you mean, the fat? Yeah.

Because when I was a kid, we associated with fat people with having a bit of a laugh, and there was hardly any about. You'd think, well, that's when everyone's saying, I'm going to join in with this, it's great. I think we've had a eureka moment here. We should have a takeaway message for each week's saying, I'm going to join in with this. It's great. I think we've had a eureka moment here. We should have a takeaway message for each week's show.

And today's is fat people cheer up a bit. Yeah, cheer up. I'm with Frank because if you're going to be overweight, for goodness sake, be a bon vivant. Well, the thing was... That's all I ask. The bleak and the desolate were always thin gaunt figures, weren't they? Yes. Yeah, that's me, isn't it? And now they're

people who can't get off their own toilet. You're a bit horseman of the apocalypse. I can do bleak and gaunt and slightly miserable. You're John of. That's how gaunt you are. You can do it, yes, you can. Yes, I really can. I agree with that. If there's any casting directors listening, I'm there for that.

There won't be. Trust me, I think they've already... I think Emily's got about 12 interviews this week. And I'm looking at care homes. Hi! So we've all got our own light to lead, let's face it. We've had an email... Oh, we can't go into this now.

We've got to play adverts. It's commercial radio. Fair enough. One thing I do know is which side my bread's buttered. I don't know if you remember bread, Emily. Something you might have had in your childhood. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. I was just looking at Cheryl Cole's big tattoo there.

I'm relaxed. Is it a real thing? It's not a transfer? Oh, yeah, she didn't get that free with the comic. It's an enormous tattoo. She paid for that one. In the small of the back. Do you like it? I wonder if it is a prank.

No, it's just years of her hearing the new men in her life saying, Do you like roses? You know what I mean? No, it's too big. I think that was a mistake. I think she's seen that in the brochure and thought, you know women have those tiny little ones that just peep above the jeans,

those tiny little base of the spine tattoos. I like a little panther crawling up the chest area. That's what I like. But that's what she thought it was going to be. And she thought, oh, this hurts a bit more than I like. But that's what she thought it was going to be. And she thought, oh, this hurts a bit more than I thought. Then when she looked, she's horrified. She got the dimensions wrong in the brochure.

The rose on the bottom, I'm not keen on that, Frank. There's going to be a lot of old celebrities in about 40 years that look like magazines that have been left out in the rain by a bus stop. Horrible, wrinkled, blue, inky, flaky, spoiled purpleness. Okay, shall we get to email

corner? Let me see if I can find that baby. That old rascal. Here it comes. Email Sauna. And relax. I have an email. Hi, Frank, Alan and Emily. What a surprise it was last Saturday

to discover that both Frank and Alan were away on the same day. Yes, I'll bring to that. There you go. Big surprise. It was a surprise. Not a surprise for me. I, I'll bring to that. There you go. Big surprise. It was a surprise. Not a surprise for me. I knew I was off, but I didn't...

When we arrived today... We slightly staggered our arrival today so people didn't get suspicious. You know when people at work, they have the same day off, you think, oh, no. It was a friendship that dare not speak its name. It was, yeah.

My first feeling, this isn't mine, this is the email. My first feeling could be a great texting. What was your first feeling, Alan? Oh, it was probably, I don't know, grumpiness. Mine was a profound regret. Mine, knowing my father, probably abandonment. Oh. Whoa!

Fiona, who's emailed, has said that... I think we should have dipped the lights on that one. My first feeling was utter fear as to whether I could cope without my weekly fix of Frank or Alan, but lo and behold, Emily was like a naughty schoolgirl in charge of the class because the teacher was away. It was an amazing show. Oh, whoa!

Now, here's the bit that I think is critical. She broke some rules but kept the last going with Steve and Matt. What rules? What rules were broke? There was a bit of swearing I noticed. No, there wasn't. I didn't swear. Swearing. Yeah, but it's hard to control these young bucks. Swearing. Actual swearing.

Frank, these young bucks. It was like big quiz of the year towards the end. Oh, my goodness. Went to the mail he is about this. Yes. I heard some mention of the Pope. I wondered if it was that because you asked some questions about him.

They were all right about the Pope. Yeah, I thought. So what were the rules that were broken? Oh, those rules. I don't know. Oh, really? I honestly don't know. I apologise for any rules that may have been broken.

Well, I mean, these these rules they're only my rules they're yesterday's rules let's call them that oh so um I think we should move on to email too shall we you know I play music on here as well

I've got all sorts of it's a whole variety of different things going on. There's adverts, music, and there's us. She knows. She knows. She did it last week. She knows. Yeah. She knows. Yeah, but, you know, it's not always music I want to play.

But, you know. Put it in excess again. I'm a bit stricter on rules than some people. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Email corner. We're still there. So it seems.

Hi, Frank, the Divine Miss Emily and Cock-a-leeky. Just a quick note to say that you might want to dig out the Friend of the Show jingle. Get it prepped, Frank. Get your jingle sorted and I'll continue. Just a doggone minute there, Deputy Dog. I ain't gonna read the hen house, Deputy Dog. I'm just gonna see what happens

next. Let's go! Let's go! Can you not find it? That reminds me of a night I had once at the Grand Old Opry. Here we go. Friend of the show. The show was great in those days.

It was worth the wait, wasn't it? As Peter the Wild has been hitting the headlines once again this week. Hurrah. Peter the Wild. I should explain for new readers that Peter the Wild, he was a feral character. I think it was George II who took him in. Correct.

Kept him in a leather collar. And he was a sort of a house pet. He kept him on a lead. Not a character, an actual individual from history. A human being treated like a domestic pet. Horrific, you might say, if you're new to this story, but we've grown to love him. We've re-domesticated

him all over again. And he's back. He's back. It emerged this week that Peter's grave at St Mary's Church in Northchurch, Hertfordshire has been given a Grade 2 listing. That's the show out insulted for this year. Oh, that'd be good.

Peter the Wall's grave. Oh, I'd love to go. We have a little picnic, Frank, by his grave. I'd love that. Some people bond through paintballing, but we would take a trip to Northchurch. We could wear a leather collar each and we could go as a chain gang. Well, you've probably got three leather collars available ready for us to wear, haven't you? I certainly have.

Following advice from... I've got three clerical collars waiting in anticipation of my next job. I'll provide the leather collars. Following advice from English Heritage, Peter's gravestone and a brass plaque... I bet you're going to laugh at the way I pronounce that. A brass plaque? I'm perplexed by it.

It's difficult, isn't it? Because once you've said brass, you feel you're committed to plaque. To say plaque. he said plaque. I can't never say either of those words. A brass plaque. I don't like that. A brass plaque inside the church, telling his story, will now be preserved to keep his extraordinary history alive for many years to come.

Tremendous news. It seems Peter's latest foray into the spotlight is throwing up further details about his fascinating life. Well, we're always hungry for that. We love a bit of Peter the Wild gossip. I'll tell you what, I'm so excited to learn more about Peter. Shall we have a

shall we have it as a cliffhanger? Yeah! Across the New Howell breaking news on Peter the Wild after this. You know what I mean? You don't want to rush news on Peter the Wild. Because I don't know, I find the thing is with the dead, is they don't come up with new stuff.

As they did. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 812 15 or follow us on 81215

or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. Very well announced on the numbers there. I'm guessing that the people who text need a bit of help. And the people who are on Twitter are probably quite, you know... With it. I think they are, essentially, with it. Guys, we had some breaking news about Peter the Wild. Ah, yes.

Now, in case you've just tuned in, you won't get this. No. But we were talking about Peter the Wild. Peter the Wild, the domestic pet stroke human being of George II. And his grave has just been given a Grade 2 listing. Lovely. I wonder what the stone's like on his grave. Is been given a grade two listing. Lovely. I wonder what he stands like on his grave. Is he called Peter the Wild?

There are photographs of it available somewhere. PTW. Do we know his second name? His second name was Wild. I imagine he got letters to Mr. PT Wild. Anyway, as we were with this email, commenting on the decision to grant listed status to the gravestone,

chief curator at Historic Royal Palaces, oh, that Lucy Worsley, you like her, Frank. Oh, yeah. Is she the TV historian? Yes. Yeah, she is, didn't she? Blonde Wendy Craig Bob, I quite like her, said Peter found happiness in the village of Northchurch, where he enjoyed...

I imagine he found it all over the place. Oh, but listen to this, though. Well, Frank, do you want to know what his hobbies were? Go on, love it. He enjoyed watching fires burning. Right. I must admit, I love watching fires burning. Well, they're captivating, aren't they?

They are. Feeling the sun on his... Especially in Peter's case, it was his own feet. Feeling the sun on his face. That is also great. Yeah, sunbathing. Singing songs without words. Yeah.

I struggle. I struggle with lyrics. I'm one of those. I'm presuming he was a la-la-la kind of a character. La-la-la. He was very la-la-la, Frank. Okay. He was a hummer.

I think we can safely say he was a hummer, I think we can safely say. I bet he hummed. They couldn't get married to wash him. And, eating raw onions as if they were apples. Oh, well that's showing off. Well, I'm not sure. He might have been to a hypnotism show.

Oh yeah, I imagine he was. I mean, you're going to get Peter the Wild up if you're doing stage hypnotism. Of course, yeah. He's, yeah, and that's the thing... His hobbies also included making love to a broom that he thought was a person because he'd been hypnotised. Oh, sorry. I imagine that the...

Now you've got a bit Paul McKenna. Peter the Wild went to see an 18th century stage hypnotist who asked for volunteers. There were none. So, obviously, if there's someone in a leather collar, you're just going to hoist them up onto the stage. Easy, isn't it? Got a hook.

He probably had a hypnotist hook. I don't like this. That would be Paul McKenna in a frock coat. But as for watching fires fill in the sun on your face and singing songs without words, it's the best advert for mental illness I've ever... Good, that. It just sounds blissful.

He's a simple man, though. He has simple pleasures. The onion revelations have put me off him a bit. It just sounds blissful. He's a simple man, though. He has simple pleasures. The onion revelations have put me off him a bit. It sounds like we've read there's a deep... What, did you think he might have good breath until you read that? It wasn't to do with his breath. I just thought, you know,

a lead is one thing, but raw onions is quite another. It makes him sound eccentric. Yeah, exactly. I've written him off now. But I like that. The interest section of Peter the Wild's CV. Watching fires burn.

I don't know if I told you, about 12 months ago, I was on the beach at Whitstable. Actually, it wouldn't be about 12 months. I believe it was sort of early November. Looking back, there was a bonfire. And I watched it for hours. I forgot how fascinating watching a big bonfire was, so I'm with Peter the World on that one.

Not on everything. Frank? So on your face. I'm on Coco Island in the Maldives, so I can't hear your show today. Can I have your sympathy? Also, James Mayer's here. That's from Caroline, who's tweeted us.

James Mayer's escaped? He's in the Maldives. Oh, I bet he's got one of those Panama hats no James May has been trying to get away from the top gear bullies because he's a sensitive floral shirt tub of a character as obviously in the witness protection programme and he's been exposed by this man I think he's a bit of a Peter the Wild figure Frank

he's living on Coco Island can you imagine that there is such an island as that that's laid off isn't it sounds sweet Coco Island? Can you imagine that there is such an island as that? That's laid off, isn't it? Sounds sweet. Coco Island. Sounds like something... Oh, I don't like the sound of it at all. Sounds like something a right-wing cabbie would...

Where you come from? Coco Island. That's what I don't like about it. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I've had a text in that I think might cheer you up, Frank,

because I know you're not happy here in the shadow of Emily after her glorious hosting. I can sense it. I feel that we're not too far away from Emily saying, let's go for a drink and putting her arm round me. And her saying, it must have been cold there in my shed. I like to think I am the wind beneath her wings. Well, Julia from East Devon has texted, Frank, I think you are fabulous.

You always make me laugh, which is good for the soul. We don't normally read out praise, but I think... Do you feel he's in need of it this morning? This way we can have an option. I'm going to have a dispensation this morning. Thank you, Julia, from East Devon. How marvelous that people who live in Devon

think it's worth designating which part of Devon they live in. I'd have been happy with Devon, but that's lovely. Thank you. It's nice that she thinks it's good for the soul. Yeah. Frank likes things to do with the soul. He's a big fan of the soul. Frank Coggins loves the soul.

Massive fan. I thought their second album was a bit disappointing. But yes, I'm... I like their best of soul. I'll tell you something that happened. We were talking about dead people and very sadly Richard Bryers died. Yes, I was sad to hear that.

And I had a text from my girlfriend saying, oh, no, Richard Bryers has died. He was my second ever crush. Oh. Now, of course, when people say that, they want you to say, oh, really, what was your first ever crush? Well, I didn't. I did that as a matter of point.

You won't be coerced, Frank. When people, when I walk into a thing and I'll say something to someone and they'll say, look, that's the second shock I've had this morning. I'll always say, so anyway, did you see my match last night? I think, no, I'm

not. Don't lead me. Anyway, it turns out that her first ever crush was Ruth Maddock. Is that a fact? Yeah, who used to, if you remember... Oh, I know Ruth Maddock's work. Used to be the tannoy operator on Heidi High. I know her work well. Yeah.

Oh, I can see there was something a little sapphic about her. The interesting thing is that I quite fancied Ruth Maddock in Heidi High as well. All's well that ends well. I thought we had nothing in common, but turns out that one of my early crushes... I think first crushes are really interesting. Who was your first crush? Well, I was going to say, I was more of a Paul Shane fan than that. That couldn't have been your first crush? I was going to say, I was more of a Paul Shane fan than that. That couldn't have been your first

crush unless he fell out on you. I can't say the name of my first crush because I'm not sure where the charges stand currently. Oh, no. That could be one of about seven or eight mid-late.

He was a leader, I think would be a way of describing him. Of a pack he was a leader, I think would be a way of describing him. Of a pack. Of a gang, maybe. Oh, yeah. Oh, Hitler. I think, you know, you and the Mitford sisters went the same way.

He was very charismatic, apparently. Something about him. I'm told that James Corden, who we mentioned earlier, did an interview in which he was asked for his ideal dinner guests and they included Hitler. But I made up for it, Frank. You know, I went on to have... My childhood crush was Derek Pringle, the cricketer.

Of course. And I told you, like, yes, don't you know this? I used to play press conferences or I'd rehearse what I was going to say when the media found out about our love affair. I still play press conferences. I do. You know, I'm a massive daydreamer.

When I'm on the toilet, I often do press conferences. When I'm often a bit surly with the press, I must say. What sort of happens then? Well, I'm the manager of Barcelona. And, yeah, I actually... Because, you know, after my playing career, I'm such a legendary figure, I can get away with it. I'm actually quite sharp with them.

Oh, yeah. Who was your first crush? Well, it wasn't Ruth Maddock, but similar. It was Gordon Brissass, Brissass Empire. Oh, that was your first. It's hard, isn't it? It's all about the sitcoms. It takes a while for us to find our sexuality

early on you're not bothered are you you're not bothered it's like when you pop the first ball at pool it doesn't matter which one it is you'll decide you'll decide from there yeah oh frank i remembered another one do you remember peters and lee the man in it i liked him oh did you yeah i don i think his name was lenny wasn't wasn't he? Oh, was it Lenny? I think it was Lenny Peters. I loved him. And Di Lee. Yeah.

Yeah. Arnold Blackman. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes. Still, really. Still to this day. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a text in saying, my first crush was Gabby Roslin, just saying. They must be young or it took a long time to... Well, I would think that they were young because they've put just saying, but they haven't put a hashtag and they've put a space in between,

you know, like in the English language where it says just just the same. Oh, I forgot the English language. Is there an emoticon? Easily forgot. It's very complicated looking back. Yeah, well, like Gabby Rosling. So when would that, when do you think, when was she in a pomp? Big breakfast? Yeah, maybe around then. Talking about

93, Frank. Okay. Maybe. Okay. I've outed myself with Peters and Leigh, that's embarrassing. Yeah, really. That must Maybe. I've outed myself with Peters and Lee. That's embarrassing. Yeah, really. That must have been, what, 1970? No!

How dare you? I'll bet you. They were still going up towards the 80s. Were they? Move on, move on. Shall we? Have you seen a story this week that somebody sold a haunted mirror on eBay for £100 English pounds?

A beautiful grand Victorian-style mirror, and it's had the place... When you say Victorian-style, do you mean... Well, I think it might be a modern mirror that's just in that... That reminds me of when David Baddiel, when I lived with him, bought an Edwardian globe. And I said, it's plastic, Dave? And he said, no, I think just the inside's plastic. I said, no, no I said, it's plastic, Dave? And he said, no, I think just the inside's plastic. I said, no, no. No, it's plastic.

And it was... Oh, really? Clearly not correct. But a Victorian-style mirror. A Victorian-style mirror. And the lady who... Oh, no, it was a chap that sold it. Many times since putting up the mirror,

both myself and my flatmate have woken in the early hours screaming in pain. The mood in the flat turned sour. This is the blurb to sell. Yes. The mood in the flat turned sour. I felt constantly as if there was a sense of impending doom upon us. No, this is...

Both of us began to feel zombielike. I was just living with one of my exes. This is just a relation. As a drain of all our energy. Oh, blimey! See, I can do that to a gathering if I turn up. You don't need to sell that on eBay. Just invite me round. You're a cooler. That's what they call you. It's not a way of selling it, though. It's an impending doom. Well, they're being honest. I think they're going for honesty is the best policy.

Are they being honest? Well, they're saying, truthfully, we both love the look of the mirror, but since we've put it up in our flat, we've had nothing but bad luck. I would ideally like it to go to somebody who has experience with the paranormal slash supernatural and knows what they are getting themselves in for. Well, you know who I'm thinking of, obviously. Derek Okora. Yes.

It says that in the article, but actually it's been bought by Egon Spengler. That's one of the Ghostbusters. I'm just joking. Oh, well done. Not enough Ghostbusters references. I'm more of an Egon Rone fan. I've got what I think could be a haunted mirror. Don't be so silly, Billy.

If I look into it in the morning, there's like this grey skeletal face looking back at me. That's that portrait of Edvard Munch's The Scream that you have hanging there. That's not a mirror. That's not my mirror. I'm liking the Edvard. There's not enough Edvard said on this statue. My godmother, Lindsay de Paul, I like saying that. Clang.

She used to have, these are are my people I can't help it I'm just a wall flower sitting by the wall without the will power to face the music at all I didn't know you were familiar with her

I think everybody fancied her she was probably a first crush she was one of the last great champions of the beauty spot. You've still got it. You don't really see push now by people. I think they have them removed. Not so much, yeah. But, you know, you feel it's a sort of a Nell Gwynn type of a thing to have.

But she was loud and proud. Well, she had a haunted house, but a haunted mirror specifically, which fell off the wall one night. And is that what proved it to be haunted? She got an exorcist in. She had that thing about Snow White, didn't she? Yeah, she did, actually. I think that didn't help.

She was always slacking her off. James Coburn wasn't very good at DIY, who she was living with at the time. Oh, she was living with him? Yeah. Oh, how marvellous. James Coburn, man, flinked, couldn't do DIY. Well, I like the fact that I'm in the same bit of a Venn diagram as him.

Like, men who aren't really that interested in DIY, that's good, isn't it? It is, yeah. I don't think I'm in many other bits of the Venn diagram. He was into the martial arts. Oh, was he? Oh, he loved the martial arts. Yeah, he was one of the people that brought Bruce Lee to America. He was one of the people that took my cat to the vet.

Did he really? Yes. Oh, did he? He took us to the vet in North London. He had one of the people that took my cat to the vet. Did he really? Yes. He took us to the vet in North London and he had a fur coat and shades on. What, the cat? No, James. And my cat was called Treacle and he wasn't well and James went come on, Treacle, come on, Treacle baby. Oh, brilliant. That's what he said.

Now that is a small Venn diagram. People who've took Emily's cat to the vets and introduced Bruce Lee into American film. Oh, God, I can't imagine how small that Venn diagram is. I personally, I have to say, I wouldn't buy the haunted mirror just in case it is a haunted mirror. Really?

Yeah, that would put me off buying it. Wouldn't it put you off? No. Even the most cynical person, I think if they look on eBay for a mirror and there's two mirrors, and one's haunted and one isn't, they'll think, well, I'll go for non-haunted.

See, I think it's one of those things where I believe that it was bought with just one bid, but I think it would have gone for more than 100 had somebody been up and a bit drunk at the time and looking for a mirror. That's a weird drunken purchase. A mirror? A haunted mirror?

That's eBay. I bought, in fact, you might be quite proud of me, I bought a designer suitcase when I got in a drunk bidding war on eBay. I'm glad I stopped drinking before the whole internet thing exploded. I am as well. I can imagine me... Well, not just for that reason.

I can imagine me trawling for a haunted mirror in the early hours. Got to have one. I don't like... I'm not a fan of the second hand. Robert McGarvey could have owned that old suitcase. Yeah. Anyone. But that would be all right, wouldn't it? Yeah, that's fine.

I imagine Bob's got some nice luggage. I imagine so, yeah. On his cast-offs. Yeah, Bobby. Whilst his people have nothing, he's probably got lovely luggage, yeah. Can you still get those? Well, he's probably got luggage. I imagine he's got a bag packed, Bob McCartney.

Because you never know when he might have to get out fast. I think he's like, you know, when you're pregnant, you have to have a bag packed, right? Yeah, yeah. I imagine he's got a couple of suitcases spilling over with with uh cash that when he has to get out quick just a quick shave just get the tash as thin as it's possible for a mustache to be and then he's off the fulcrum can you still get those mirrors remember you used to go to the fair and one of the prizes used to be mirrors with like a pop group on in black paint oh yeah or was it i remember seeing david soul once i uh-huh i had david bowie did you i haven't said i mean could one get a one direction

mirror of that or have they just gone out we could try i'd love one of those see if such things exist this is frank skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about the haunted mirror. We were. Earlier. And it was an eBay purchase. Yeah. And I know Alan Kokoleki-Cochran. Yeah.

You're quite a fan of the eBay, aren't you? I don't mind them. I don't mind the odd eBay purchase, yeah. Although it is weird that... Have you ever had this where you've been looking to buy a thing online and then for about a week afterwards the internet keeps suggesting that you buy that thing online? You know where the adverts sort of say... Yes, I know that.

When I bought Frank Skinner a Cliff Richard calendar and it says people who bought this might like Petula Clark. Greatest hits. Yeah. That's what I get. I tell you what, I didn't know that youtube does that oh yeah so you look at your youtube you know you look at a clip on youtube and there's things down the side that that are a bit like the clip yeah yeah but then um then you get ones that say i

forget what the actual but it's something like we thought you'd like this or something yeah and it's something that you looked at like three days ago similar to that they've been found it for you yeah they're very helpful i find it presumptuous i don't like these presumptuous men that live in the computer and tell me what i might like no maybe there's more to me than that i blame that i the first person i thought found in the computer who was pushy was the paper clip oh yeah remember that character with his dance yeah what if i don't want help and then there was google correcting your spelling did you mean oh yeah i don't need this when you click on it there's a heading that says grammar we're all big fans of the work i'll decide history he does a lot of good work for us in history doesn't he well

Clear history. He does a lot of good work for us, clear history, doesn't he? Well... Where would we be without him, frankly? I'll decide if something's a fragment that I've written. Yeah, clear history, yes. Our best friend. Amazon has been recommending that I buy a hammock recently because I looked at hammocks a couple of weeks ago. I think that's the Amazon thing, isn't it?

Yeah. They've got confused. They think you've looked up the Amazon. I think you're off on all of it. Really, you were looking up Richard Hammond, and you've now revealed that. Oh, I was looking. I genuinely did contemplate buying a little hammock, and then thought, where am I going to put it?

A little hammock? Yeah, you can get, like... Like that picture of that cat in a hammock that used to be on cards. Yeah, like that. Yeah? That could be me. You can get, like, a mesh hammock,

but I don't know where I would put it. You're a bit Crouchian for a hammock. I'm too... Yeah, you're right. You can get like a mesh hammock, but I don't know where I would put it. You're a bit Crouchian for a hammock. Yeah, you're right. You don't want a mesh hammock because you'll look like you're plaid when you get out of it. You remember what happened to Lady Diana? The first time, I think, a member of the royal family actually corrected something in the press. And that's when they said that she'd left the harbour club in chelsea and she had the cellulite and she said i'd been sitting on a wicker chair did she she felt that she had to

put that right god bless her i still miss her yeah wicker is uh it's a damaging seat isn't it it is i mean i don't know if you've read um casino royale no it's terrible seeing him out where he sits in it he has to sit naked in a wicker chair with a hole in the bottom and he's kind oh no kind across the gentleman's excuse me some people some people charge by the hour for that so can you get a one direction mirror with black paint on it on a normal and one direction mirror sounds like a technical term like you could get a two-way mirror but you can't get a one direction mirror nobody's. Nobody's told us that. Well, 827 says, I once wanted to sell my baking tray that had an image of Jim Morrison on it left by some fatty deposits,

but was laughed at when I suggested it. That's fair enough. I mean, no one wants that old fat, do they? That would be all right. I, um... You know those fair-ground mirrors that you use, like the proper fair-ground mirrors that you used to go in and make...

The wobbly ones. It makes you look really fat. Yeah, yeah. They've lost their novelty. We've also had a lot of people suggesting their first-ever crushes. Oh, well, I'm interested in that. Sorry, I would like to interrupt this broadcast. Yes, you may.

Just to say, Popstar Mirrors. Joe says... Oh, he says, you can still get Johnny Alliday mirrors in our local Chinese emporium. Really? I'd like a Johnny Alladay mirrors in our local Chinese Emporium. Really? I'd like a Johnny Alladay mirror I mean that is just such a conversation piece isn't it? Who is that? That's Johnny Alladay you know, the French

and Chanteuse You could take that with you instead of bringing up the hovercraft couldn't you for lulls and conversation. Well you could have a pocket Johnny Alladay mirror that you just you just i just get out to check my like a compact you know just check my teeth after a snackette and it's a johnny halliday mirror i'd love that that must be we'll see i'll go on ebay and see if you can get johnny halliday brackets pocket absolute absolute radio frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

We've had various texts in about first crushes, Frank. Some of which... Don't Frank me. Some of which really date the texter. You know, we had a text saying that a chap's first crush was Gabby Roslin. Well, I'm assuming it's a chap. I could be wrong. Yeah, well, I think we've all found that we'veby Roslin. Well, I'm assuming it's a chap. I could be wrong. Yeah, well, I think we've all found that we've jumped around sexually.

I was trying to see if he was fluid back then. We tried to guess what age he was, and he's saying he was 34 next birthday, and it was on The Big Breakfast. Yeah, that's about right. Similar time scale. Somebody's texted in. Mine was Yasmin Bleeth from Baywatch. Do I remember her?

Oh, she was pretty. No, but that person also said they liked Jet from Gladiators. Jet from Gladiators is a big shout. I can see that. Different era, first crush, Janet Ellis. Ooh. Oh, I wonder if that was Blue Peter or Doctor Who. Oh, yeah.

But she was, she was. I really had a crush on Atlanta Shaw. Who was that? It was Commander Shaw's daughter in Stingray. Oh, right. We've had a Captain Scarlet. A marionette, basically. Captain Scarlet.

It's funny, isn't it? And one of the interesting, I think you were supposed to fancy Marina. If you remember, Marina was the girl from Under the Sea. She was a mute. I don't know, can we still say mute? She was a mute. You can if you do it in that voice. But she had big eyes.

She was very wispy. She had a sort of Ursula Andress look. Whereas Atlanta, she was more businesslike, often saw her in a uniform, and she had a short sort of red head type. And I liked her because she had a disabled father. I felt that she'd had a you know she she'd had a few hard knocks yeah in life yeah you're drawn to that but i um she did have a

a sort of uh no nonsense um appeal which i i liked a lot yeah marina was um she was away with the face aquamarine well the cartoon crush is not uncommon. I liked Clyde from the Hair Bear Bunch. Remember? Yeah, he just wore a belt. Nothing else. And a waistcoat. Was that the one who said ooh, ooh, ooh, beegly beegly? I think he might have. I think that might be the self-same man. Or bear. I think in Wayne's World they talk about having

a crush on the woman in Roger Rabbit, don't they? That's understandable. Don't mention that. I miss Phil Hill. You know my feelings about that film. I don't. I'd forgotten, actually. I hate it. In fact, Mike says Suzy Quatro. Oh, yeah. I mean, she was one for the tight outfit.

Yeah. Attractive. Michaela Strachan on Mallet's Mallet. Oh, I think we all like Michaela Strachan. Nobody's texted Timmy Mallet on Mallet's Mallet, but Michaela Strachan has won the vote there. No, she was sensational. One of those people with a big mouth.

It's very sensual, an enormous mouth. Yep. 619, first crush, punch a relo from Chips, Eric Estrada. Well, that must be right up your Estrada. Oh! He was, he was the peanut boy. Lovely. We've not had any from the Australian soaps yet.

I would have expected Danny Minogue on Home and Away or Plain Jane on Neighbours. A tier who I liked, was she called Elle? Elle. She was Paul Robinson's daughter. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And she looked very like Nicole.

I thought you were more of a Helen Daniels fan. No, no, no. The lines around. And she looked very like Nicole. I thought you were more of a Helen Daniels fan. The lines around the mouth just got too many. Not even when she was a successful businesswoman running home, James. Even then, and I am, I won't lie, I am attracted by power. But I wasn't. Elle Robinson, she looked like Nicole Kidman. She was like Nicole Kidman before she went a bit odd.

And, because you know Nicole Kidman was like fantastic, in like To Die For, she's one of the most beautiful women you've ever seen. And then she went very Porcelain Doll. Right. I think the Cruise character wasn't a good influence, that's my theory. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. I'd like to talk a bit about... I was going to say we were talking about first crushes and Emily's was the bear from the Hoffmeister Follow the Bear. I loved

him. Do you remember him? He had a little theme tune. And he wore a trilby and a satin bomber if you recall. And why wouldn't you if you were a bear? He's a drinker. I think Ted ripped off the Hoffmeister bear concept. It's essentially

the same principle, a bear that leads you astray with loose behaviour. Yeah, he was... Do you remember there used to be a very old advert, actually, for warnings advocate? You know advocate, that sort of eggnog? I don't remember that. And the guy used to be a sort of Dutchman who would say,

evenings and mornings, I drink drink warnings and you'd think that's a problem isn't it yeah i don't want to be on telly talking about that that's a chapter in your autobiography yeah you need to be you know in a church hall with some other people of a similar disposition just fyi it was perno perI, it was Pernod. Pernod? Yes. It was with me. It was Ricard. I was sorry, darling. We're going to be absolutely, yeah. Anyway. Anyway.

Talking of alcohol, I'd like to discuss Ben Fogel, because I'm a fan of Ben Fogel, and he had a bit of an incident. Well, I've heard that Fogels would. So you're in with the shout. He had an incident, Frank. He did have an incident. I read it. It's terrifying.

It's so easy worth saying it. It was an incident, Frank. He did have an incident. I read it. It's terrifying. Terrifying incident. It was a psychotic episode. That's not that easy, I admit. He said his drink was spiked in a country pub. Is that right? A country pub? I mean, what did they put in it? A barley wine?

No, apparently some hallucinogenic drugs. In a country pub? I mean, how did that happen? I don't know. Maybe it was an accident. I imagine it's a Wicker Man type thing. There's some local pagan cult. He said...

He's not from round here type thing. He tried to jump out of a window, and he said his wife and his friends locked him in a room for his own safety. He said, I flipped. Yeah. Which I thought was brilliantly posh, bless him. His wife?

I just, like, flipped. Well, the quote I saw from him, he said, I don't like using the word, but I was acting like a stereotypical madman. I think stereotypical is a word he doesn't like to use. He usually draws a line at five syllables. Again, he said, I thought I was doomed. Maybe he'd been looking in that ghost mirror. Perhaps he'd been on eBay.

Yes, doomed is a fabulous thing to say. A lot of doom in today's show people say i felt doomed but that moment when the uh whatever it was let's imagine it was lsd kicks in you think oh god i'm i'm doomed i'm doomed and then a couple of days later you oh i'm perfectly fine i'm a reality tv star and presenter and i'm off away again he's gone he's a strong chap he knew that something was wrong when he tried to pick up his daughter and she felt as light as a grain of rice.

And I think he wants to hang around Fashion Week a bit more because that's really nothing, frankly. We consider that overweight. You've been piling on the pounds. I just don't understand. In a country pub? If he was in some city bar, I imagine this time... Or hanging out with my

parents in 1973. This is why when I go to pubs now, I use a child's sippy cup. Oh, clever. And they can't get in, you see. It's only those four holes. A Tommy Tippy. Yeah. And this is, I would, if there's any

people listening, especially young women, I suggest you get your own sippy cup. Keep it behind the bar like we used to do with a pewter tankard. I thought it was, I felt very sorry for him. On the other hand, there was one slightly odd element to it. He said he started doing Monty Python material. Silly walks. Yeah, but he called it the Ministry of, what did he call it? He called it Funny Walks.

Ministry of Funny Walks, which isn't what it was called. And then he said it went from scary to comical. I was trying to get into bags. What bags? What bags was a big... No, bags is his old rugby chum. That's a very difficult moment. I hate to think about it.

He said, I wanted to die, and I kept trying to jump out of a window. You see, this is why I didn't watch the Brits. He has my sympathy. We're still getting missives from the outside world. That's good. Various texts, including my first crush, Selena Scott. I was 16. Then Sybil Shepard in Moonlighting.

I mean, that's great. Aisha Broff. Bless you. Aisha Broff. Was it Space 1999 or was it UFO? It was one of those two. I think it was Space 1999, Frank. I remember her name was Aisha.

So she presented at a kids' TV show and she had a big medallion with the A on it for Aisha. And then when she was in this sci-fi series, she still wore the A over her uniform. No. I mean... She was a stickler for detail. What about the fourth war?

I know she wasn't a stickler. I'm trying to willingly a stickler for detail. What about the fourth wall? No, she wasn't a stickler for detail. I'm trying to willingly suspend my disbelief here. Yeah. Juliet from Dog Tanyan and the Muskerhounds. That's a good one. A canine crush, 779. That's Adam in Kent. And a slightly off topic, but I like the text.

I'm going to read it to you. Hi, Frank and Kurt. Love the 80s. Love the show. Just pumping iron at them in on my day off That I felt needed read out That's from Paul Sargent from Chesterfield Iron is another rugby friend

Along with bags Yeah, iron and bags They're coming over tonight, yeah, iron and bags What a week they've had Still watch the match this afternoon, relax Just put it out their minds Also there's been a correction from Scott McKean Is it from Jonathan Franzen? No I still watch the match this afternoon, relax, and just put it out of their minds. Also, there's been a correction from Scott McKee. Is it from Jonathan Franzen?

No. Oh, lovely. Scott McKee says, the hair bear bunch didn't say, ooh, Beasley, it was, ooh, ooh, Mr. Peaveley, Mr. Peaveley. Yes, I think you're right. I take that, yes. I was being slipshod.

Yeah. So don't yell, help, help, here come the bears, help, help. Oh, he's doing strange things to me. We've also had emails from the outside world. Where else are we going to get emails from? Well, we do occasionally ping each other during the week, don't we? Tory MP Emma Nicholson, that's from Dev. Really? I don't know. That was his crush. It was her first crush. I'll have? Tory MP Emma Nicholson. That's from Dev. Really? I don't know.

That was his crush. It was her first crush. I'll have to look up Emma Nicholson. Yeah. Extraordinary. Dave, Frank, Emily and Alan thought you might like to know that this week I experienced an underhand pedestrian racing incident. U-P-R-I. Yeah. In brackets. I was walking back to the office after

my lunch break. We should say that pedestrian racing is when you race another person who's walking down the street without ever making it totally clear that you're doing that. You're never sure whether they're aware of it or not. It's a tense, tense thing. It's a tense affair. I like walking fast and I get a bit furious

if I'm trapped by a slow person ahead of me. See, I'm not sure you can get a bit furious. I think you either are or you aren't. Surely it's all in, fury. Isn't it? A bit furious? I take your semantic point. So, you can imagine... Well, you're a bit more Charles Bronson when it comes to anger.

So you can imagine how I felt when I got caught up behind a large gentleman with countless number of shopping bags about his person. I sympathise, sympath his person. Oh yeah. I tried to overtake but he stepped into my path. Okay, I thought, bad luck. So I tried the other side and he did the same again. It happened another two times

and I was baffled as to how he knew where I was going until I realised he'd been watching my shadow in front of him. Oh, the old sun behind you trick. I eventually had to resort to actually running past him, a bit like the gauntlet round on gladiators.

Frank, are these blocking tactics against pedestrian racing rules? I think they are, but this is something that this bloke has obviously picked up on his way to the chip shop. Where, you know, he senses he could be overtaken and he's panicked and gone wide.

You know that thing when footballers lean, really lean into someone and let the ball roll out? It's a bit like that. Some people as well, I think they're very stupid, can't walk in a straight line. I find if you're walking behind some people, they'll just keep waiting. I think it's just chance that they go the way that you're going to overtake them. You know they use

walking a straight line as a test for drunkenness? It also works perfectly well as a test for stupidity. An IQ test. If the police stopped a man and were trying to work out whether he was stupid, they should just walk down the pavement behind him and be, if they can't get past, he should be in a home. This is Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio. We've had a lot of texts in with people saying what their first crush was, but I now need to ask you and the listenership some questions here. I don't know if you remember, but I was much mocked. I need to write something down. No, no, you can just Listenership, some questions here. OK.

I don't know if you remember, but I was much mocked. Do I need to write something down? No, no, you can just think. I was much mocked on this very show when I announced to you in January that my New Year's resolution was going to be the sleep. I was going to prioritise sleep and have better sleep. It was, that's an odd thing. You thought it was a terrible New Year's resolution. I stand by that it's a good New Year's resolution,

but I'm now considering changing because it's not working out for me. I'm really struggling. I've been trying, but I've found myself with damaging patterns of behaviour. Two in the morning, I was buying books the other night, online. Are you sure it was books? It was books. Oh, good. It was books, yeah.

Not suitcases. Not anything else. Drunkenly buying suitcases. From Robert McGovern. And then a couple of weeks ago, when I did this show, I did everything right. I went to the gym in the hotel. I went back upstairs.

I'd bought salads, because I've read that a bit of lettuce before going to sleep is good for your sleep. Is that right? Yeah, I've heard that. I've also heard turkey. Makes sense. I've always found rabbits to be very patchy sleepers. I wonder how they sleep.

I'm going to investigate that. I bet they don't sleep well. I bet they know. Does the nose stop twitching when they sleep? Well, no, also they're filthy creeps as well, aren't they? Oh, yeah, they get about, don't they? If there's any rabbit breeders or keepers of any kind, any sort of associates of rabbits,

I'd like to know if their nose stops twitching when they sleep. Is it like a shark? Associates of rabbits? My whippet twitches when she's asleep. She carries on with a little dream about rabbits, aren't they? But that, if you

speak to a rabbit, but if you look at a rabbit and have contact with it, the nose never stops going. And I just wonder, it must be a lovely moment. It's like that time of the night in our flat. We've got one of those Chinese cats that beckons in wealth. Have you? Oh, Maniki Neno, I think they're called. Is that what they're called?

You know, they have the arm. Yeah. And it's got a little solar panel, so it goes. And just as twilight comes, I just watch the arm slow down a bit and stop. And it's lovely. And I wonder if that, as a rabbit falls asleep, does it know the twitching slows a little,

and then it just... How lovely to see that. Yeah. I was more thinking it might be weird when you arrive back if you've done any late-night work and it just stops as you're coming home and you go, yeah, you're right, I'm quite well. You may as well stop.

You may as well stop with all the beckoning. I've had to turn it round the other way. Get some money out. Anyway, I was in the hotel. I've been down to the gym. I've done everything right. I've bought the salad. And then I get back up. I have the shower. I'm drying up, I'm thinking, alright, this is going to be good, I'm going to get a big power sleep right before the show. This is a couple of weeks ago.

And I went to open the salad and pinged it. I'd bought a chicken and chorizo salad, it was. Did you buy them for the taste or the alliteration? Both, both. I'm a fan of that. And it just went everywhere. It went all over the floor. And unbeknown to me,

the salad didn't just contain chicken and chorizo and leaves. It had beans and chickpeas in. There was chickpeas all across the hotel room floor. I had to get on my hands and knees and pick it up. I can't sleep in a room. I had to get on my hands and knees. It was a hotel. And pick it up. I can't sleep in a room that's got food lying on the floor.

Are you kidding me? I found a chickpea in my trainer. The whole joy of a hotel is if you drop anything, you think, well, it's a hotel. You can't leave chickpeas on the carpet overnight. I've left worse things than that in hotels. You get a dignity. Don't bring up the Intercontinental. No.

You know I don't like that story. bring up the Intercontinental. No. You know I don't like that story. I certainly had Intercontinental. No, it's... I wouldn't have bothered with it. So what? Oh, I had to pick it up and then it stained the carpet and I just put it in the bin. Oh, God. So I was so annoyed, I took photographs of it spilt on the floor

to send to my wife. Photographs? I'm furious at the chickpeas along the floor. I had to let somebody else know. Did you put white tape around you? I felt like that. I was incandescent with rage. Right before bed, that's not good for your sleep, is it?

No. I think I might have to give up on the sleep. Still, it's better than a nightlight, I suppose, if you're incandescent, right? Well, that's... I've been... Funnily enough, I've been reading about sleep this week. I just came across an article about sleep with a couple of fascinating facts... You've got some tips for me.

..that will shut your whole mouth. Two things stuck in my memory. People who sleep eight to ten hours a night, or I think it might sleep 8 to 10 hours a night or is it, I think it might be 9, yeah, 9 to 10 hours a night are 21% more likely to become obese. Is that right? So, think about

that. Can someone get me a coffee please? Especially if they dream about sausages. I'm not going to bed for another couple of days. Yeah, what about that? I get under 8 and I'm reasonably lean, aren't I? So that's probably that explains... Well, I get after eight and I'm... And the other thing, which seems to contradict the obesity thing,

and I wrote this down, this is how I... Penelope Cruz. Mm-hm. You know her? Beautiful. Oh, she's foxy. Yes, lovely. Dark eyes. Dark eyes. you know her beautiful oh she's foxy yes lovely dark eyes

dark eyes I prefer Harry Styles mum but it's beside the point just a light moustache but it works doesn't it it works

not everyone could carry it off she says she likes 15 hours no yeah no

and her record is 18 no like some sort of a sloth I mean it makes you think about the beauty sleep thing you know No. Yeah. No. And her record is 18. No. Like some sort of a sloth. I mean, it makes you think about the beauty sleep thing, you know, because she's quite a striking woman. Yeah, because then there's Kate Moss.

But what about, yeah, her sister once slept for three days. No. Straight through. Now, I don't know about you, but if I had a friend or family member who slept for three days, say maybe 15, 16 hours, I'd start thinking, we're going to have to do... Especially if they're on my mattress. No, but I'd be... Wouldn't you be worried?

I'd be worried. That's a coma. I think that qualifies as a coma, surely. How does she earn her keep? Well, I imagine she's got Penelope Cruz for a sister. She can have three days. It does explain. You know when you go to some cafes and they do like a mega breakfast and you think this is too much food for anyone?

That's who it's for. It's for those people that have had no nutrients for three full days. It's the Cruzes. Yeah, the Cruzes. There's a lot of calves catering to just those people. They had a savalloy at our local, a giant savalloy-based meal called the cruise missile. Especially for such...

Three days! Penelope Cruise! No, I struggle to believe that. Regularly, 15 hours, and her record is 18. But if you sleep for 15 hours and then you get up the next day, before you know it, you're going to be looking at your watch going, where's the day gone? They must say that a lot.

If you're a film star, you've got a little bit of modelling. There's not that much to fill the day. You're not missing much. She looks well on it. Maybe a couple of episodes of Splash. Frank, what are you averaging now? Sleep. Sleep-wise. Sleep-wise.

Sleep-wise. Well, I'm often in the spare room and even there. What Kath will do is, this morning, I went to bed early last night because I've got to get up at six. I went to bed about 9.30. Really? She texted me at 20 to midnight. We should say Kath often texts in the house,

which I quite like that. Yes. Woke me up. What did she say? And said, don't forget to leave the keys out tomorrow. Oh, no. So I wasn't very happy with that. I was awake for two hours.

That could have been a note, that. Well, the trouble, yeah, exactly. That could have been a yellow sticky. That's exactly what I thought. But I thought the choice was, shall I get out of bed and put a note or shall I wake him up? I'll wake him up. That's what's happened.

And I wasn't. Also, of course, when you get a text that wakes you up, you become angry, and that makes it harder to go back to sleep. Not as angry as you do when you've spilled a chorizo salad all over a bedroom floor. Chickpea in a tray. Alan has shown us the photographic evidence, hasn't he? We had a big row recently, and I said to her,

you know, if... By then I'd lost it. If this was Big Brother, you'd get really booed when you went out. That's a new chapter in arguing, if this was Big Brother. Oh, yeah. This is the modern world. This is... Frank Skinner Absolute Radio

Whoa, come on Email corner Yeah, take it to the bridge I have an email here Dear Emily, who did a fantastic job of hosting the show last week. Brackets, look out, Frank. Exclamation mark, close brackets.

No, genuinely, look out, Frank. Oh, God! I thought you were reading that. Now that, that has actually broke the skin. That's taken about an inch off. That saved you a couple of quid at Mr Topper's or whatever. Oh, Mr Topper. She continues,

thank you for explaining why some listeners slash readers were identified by three digits. Why do some listeners slash readers? Hmm? Why do they do that? I thought it was about knife crime. Oh, I see. No, good, though.

Are identified by three digits. I thought that these were special people who had been with you since the beginning. No, it's just the last three digits of their mobile phone. It's just a sort of prison chic, like Frank's hair. I think it was introduced by a previous contributor to the show, Gareth. Oh, yeah.

Who used to... He felt bad that there was no name, so he used numbers. Yeah, I identified him. Love the show, although my husband can't stand it. Cheryl in Ashford, Kent. Oh, that's awkward. She's put her husband can't stand it

and then put one of those... Smiley face. ...smiley face icon things, you know, when they put a... It's like your sack, smiley face. ...a colon and a bracket, yeah. Your dump, smiley face. Yeah. What's his problem?

That's her smiley face. What's his problem, Cheryl? He sounds like he's got terrible taste in saturday morning radio what's his beef i think what's um what's happened uh here is a educating rita scenario oh yes cheryl has met this guy and when she met him they were young they had similar they were happy to just go out and go to the pub and you know have a fun night watch a bit of telly and that was their life. But Cheryl has continued to evolve, as some people do. She wants a bit more.

She wants, you know, she wants language, she wants comedy. She probably, you know, reads books, would like to go to the theatre or maybe some arthouse films. But the husband, he's a bit threatened by this as he sees Cheryl, what, let's say, outgrowing in many ways. Yeah. And he's been bitter and angry about the things that she likes. Yeah. You can stick with it, Cheryl.

I recommend, you know, good on you for that. But I don't feel good about it because I think you've grown apart. Well, that's that done. So that's the marriage over this morning. This could be a new feature, shouldn't it? Absolute radio, ending marriages on 8-12-15. Text in if you think you've grown apart. I'm with you, Frank.

Frank, we were talking about crushes earlier, childhood crushes, and Lauren Williams has tweeted us to say, mine was the Fox Robin Hood from Disney's classic film. Oh, yeah, the Fox Robin Hood. She's actually said swoon. Really? Because a lot of people, they liked Michael Pryad. Yes.

The version. But the Fox from the Walt Disney film. No, it's an interesting phenomenon. Don't you? No, and I'll tell you why that is. Because there are certain Disney full-length cartoons that never quite make the Premier League. Do you know what I mean?

Yes, I do. Because, you know, you've got your obvious Dumbos and Bambis and John Roberts. And then you get your John Smith or whatever it is. And then, yeah, you get Pocahontas and stuff. And they're sort of, they're doing well in the Champions League, but they're not Premier League full-length animations. And I would say that Robin Hood is very, I'd say Robin Hood is struggling a bit

even in the championship. Sword in the Stone had a good run but never met the Prem. No. That was one of Frank's favourites. He's Merlin mad. Anything to do with Merlin he loves it. It's Merlin mania. Oi yi yi.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some more childhood crushes in. Crush from my younger days, Sally James from Tis Was.

Oh yeah, everybody liked her in the denim waistcoat. Oh yeah, nothing underneath. Cancellising it was. Yeah,

there might have been a brazier but no more than that. Yeah, she needed support, that one. Did she? We've also had from 853, Fenella Fielding in Carry On Screaming. She was. Very sexy voice. She was. She slept with my father. Really? Lovely. That is a fact. That is a

true story. Let's see if we can find some others. What about Marmalade Atkins? Paul from Chesterfield. Oh, yeah, she was nice. I had a crush on Kim Wilde. I used to dream we were married from Robin Wiltshire. Good for the gardening, if you're married to Kim Wilde.

She likes a drink now. She's a gardener now, isn't she? Is she? I think so. She likes a gin and tonic. That was a funny video last Christmas, wasn't it? Where she was on the tube singing. Last Christmas, that reminds me.

George Michael, one of my crushes. Yes. There were more innocent days, weren't there? There were, when girls fancied George Michael with true hope in their hearts. Should have known. The Andrew Ridgely fans had the last laugh, Frank. Yeah, they did. hope in their heart. Should have known.

The Andrew Ridgely fans had the last laugh, Frank. Yeah, they did. In those days, he could park in a tiny space. No problem. And that was before parking sensors. Now, even with the sensors, I imagine... No, parking sensors. He was on in the 70s. And he used headlamps. Who'd have thought he doesn't do that anymore?

He was quite establishment when you think about it in those days, when it comes to driving. Now he's a free spirit. I respect him for that. Yes. Is there anything else going on? We're steadily winding down, but I like to keep talking right up to the end.

Yeah. I do, really. Yeah. It would be good if you just let it go. We have an email. Give us an email. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, spelled incorrectly.

Sick. I have recently discovered the podcast archive on your website and I'm working my way through... What is probably now labelled as the Skinner years. Indeed. I'm working my way through

from the beginning, partly in the hope of discovering how Frank's hatred of Catherine Jenkins originated. I'd like to know that. It's not a hatred, you know. Just a mistrust of the... I'm trying to save mankind from the

imprisonment of Lucifer. That's not based on hatred. That's a crusade. You've said many times you think she's Lucifer's representative on Earth. Is that correct? What's made you think that, though? That's what based on Ayn. You said many times you think she's Lucifer's representative on Earth. Is that correct? What's made you think that, though? That's what she's asking, I think. No, no, it's a good... I can't remember. I'll have to go back to the archives.

In fairness, Frank said this also about Ant and Dec. In the papers today, it's been confirmed. But I felt that they were no more than chomps that had been used. You know, they were like the stupid henchmen you might get in a black and white Ealing comedy. They might say, yeah, boss. She knows what's going on. She's senior management as far as Lucifer is concerned, whereas I think they are very much removal men. Yeah.

She continues, last week I listened to one from September 2009 Which featured the delightful Keris Matthews as a guest Oh yes she was good She was very good You liked guests didn't you No I liked her Yeah she was nice

I did like her But many of them were a sour disappointment And I am guessing from the comments That a large music retailer had just gone out of business. Frank then mentioned that you could still buy music at HMV, quipping, if you're listening to this on the podcast, they might have gone too. I don't suppose when you said that, that you were imagining someone listening to the podcast in 2013. Well, things have changed, haven't they?

If you're suggesting I started a run on shares, I think that it took a while, hasn't it, to kick in? I don't think she is. I think she's saying that listening now, it's a different world then. You also used to say, now then, now then, all the time. You don't do that so much anymore, do you? I've dropped that. That's gone. I have dropped that.

The whole thing is Master's voice, a dog peering into the horn of a record player, you know, the idea of the master and the dog. I think in a secular age where the species are seen as more equal, it's inappropriate anyway. It's good that it went. I've got to go, Frank. I am working on a burger stand

at Arsenal Stadium. That's not a joke, I am. You're working on a burger stand? Yes! I'll talk to you about it next week. This is honestly not a joke. I don't think I've ever been more shocked in my life. Drayton Park, come and see me. Just at Holloway Road end.

Okay. Yeah. People might know. Right. I hope so. This is the woman who was running this show last week. How quickly we fall. It's all gone a bit Michael Barrymore.

So, you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Unless we're working in fast food. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.