The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Flotilla

Episode Date: June 9, 2012

Frank, Emily and Alun discuss the Jubilee celebrations and the Euros 2012 as well as introducing Email Corner!

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio of all things with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

And I think that's all the information you need at the moment except that you can text us on 81215 about any subject at all. Although I was talking to our producer Daisy this week and she said, you know what your problem is? Well, how long was that conversation? Yeah, exactly. I settled myself down into my leather Chesterfield armchair and said, you know what your problem is? Well, how long was that conversation? Yeah, exactly. I settled myself down into my leather Chesterfield armchair and said, go for it.

She said, they're too hard, the text-ins. Did she? Too hard. Oh, we're exposing the innards now. She said, if you listen to successful and more popular radio shows, they ask things like, what are you doing while you're listening to this show? And then that gets people feeling involved and they feel like they're part of a big happy radio family.

So we're asking what they're doing, are we? I want to know what people... I would actually... If you think about it, though, if you take away all the trappings of stupid DJs saying, we'd like to know what our listeners... because they've got nothing else to say. If you take all that away, it is... I would

quite like to know what people are doing. Because I bet people listen to this in all manner of forms and places. Oh yeah, there's all sorts going on. So I'm actually going to do that. I'm going to lay my alternative career on the line and say I'd like to know

on 8, 12, 15 what our listeners are doing as they listen to this show. I'll bet by the end somebody will be decorating. There's always a bit of decorating with the radio on. There's always decorating. Oh, yeah. Always. There's often kids in the back of the car, I find.

Yeah, yeah. On this show, I think it'll be more like I'm just levelling the soil on the grave of last night's victim. I think we have a few of those listeners, judging by the text that we don't read out. I'm going to bring out a book called The Text We Don't Read Out. I wonder what R. Keith's doing now. Drinking, I should think.

R. Keith is Frank's brother. I know what Gary Barlow's doing now, Frank. I should think he's celebrating and going absolutely crazy. He's polishing his OBE. He hasn't got it yet. Oh, has he not? No, no, he hasn't got it. He's polishing his OBE. He hasn't got it yet. Oh, has he not? No, no, he hasn't got it. Well, he organised the concert.

It was basically, it was payback. Where did this come from that he organised the concert? What is he, some sort of entrepreneur? He's an event manager now. He's an events guy. Is he an impresario? Theatrical impresario. We were talking about my comebacks last week.

Oh, yeah. I mean, he used to be the place you went for a fat joke, didn't he, like a few years ago? Yes. He was like the way Vanessa Feltz, God bless her, is used in an unkind way for a fat joke. People used to say he was synonymous with being a fat loser. And now he's...

That's a lovely review. He was, though. You know, I'm sure he'd be the first, or he wouldn't be the first, to admit it. No. In fact, I bet he'd be in the eight or nine millions. Yes. Before he actually coughed it up. But he has turned it around magnificently to the point where he's now organising concerts.

For Her Majesty. Yeah. He's a sort of a if you can imagine a sort of Toff's version of Bob Geldof. Yeah. Instead of saving the third world he's putting on for the benefit of the very very rich and privileged.

Yeah. Yeah. So obviously one has to respect him for that. I liked it when he said of the billing that you don't want to be on the edge of your seat with a show like this. Like, he was sort of excusing the fact that none of them were kind of edgy bookings. I sort of agree with him on that. Like, yeah, don't book anything that's too edgy. I don't know. Well, Frank would have had to fall on there.

Yeah. Bear in mind that Gary Barlow was on all four edges of his seat about six years ago. And overlapping them. Now he's become everybody's favourite. It's an incredible turnaround. I'd put it up there with you know when Hitler was involved in the

Munich Beer Hall Putsch in 1920 and was jailed and wrote Mein Kampf in prison and then returned to be the Fuhrer, ultimately. Yeah, I know that. I think this is a very, very similar thing that's happening with Gary Barlow. And I'm glad

we're, I'm just glad we're there for the journey. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, you asked what people were doing whilst listening to the show I asked it under Dures Did you? We've had a text under Alan Dures

the former French international footballer Lovely He's one of my favourite former French players Is he? Zinedine Zidane, probably. I worked with Alan Jaurès. We did filming with him for Fantasy Football.

We did this thing called Jurassic Park. We had several of him jumping around in a kind of a... Never knowingly passed up an opportunity for a pun, have you? I like Zidane. He was one that was sick, wasn't he? Yeah. And then he said at the end of it, when do I get my money?

And we said, we'll send you. He said, it'd be good if it was in cash. And we ended up driving him to the airport. Terry Venables. Driving him to the airport for a cash point so he could pay. Anyway. So, yeah.

Our listeners have been texting in. Oh, go on, Alan. Oh, go on. No. Oh, go on. No, no, no, you do it. Come on now, don't let me lean back into the car and knock your heads together. Alan's first. We literally just had one in saying, Now then, Frank, which I like, exclamation mark.

Is it the late Greg Jimmy Savile? I think it might be. Now then, Frank, I'm listening to your show, getting ready for a serious day of hard graft at Riddlesdon Gala. Riddlesdon Gala. Riddlesdon Gala. Oh, I'll see you later, guys. Ah, swimming. Will that be a big swimming event?

I don't know what it is. We hope it stays fine and everyone has a great day as well as raising loads of money for our local charities. Judith. That's what Judith's up to whilst listening to the show. There'll be a tombola. Riddlesdon Gala. It'll be.

It sounds right when you say it. It doesn't sound like a gala sort of place, though, does it? Riddlesdon. I can imagine you on local radio saying, come to Riddlesdon Gala. Well, give it a couple of years. Tom Baller and Mayor in Wet Sponge Stockade. Is this your impression of me?

Is this a first? Well, it's a generic northern thing. I know, I get that a lot. You are generic northern. Frank, I what uh kaz is up to kaz just had surgeon draw on my back before spinal injections oh surgery on a saturday love it great day to do it is this deliberate or is it is he a prankster on the boss you know when you get a surgeon sitting behind you on the boss do you ever get that and they start drawing operation areas? I don't travel by bus so much now.

Oh, so what's the operation going to be? Well, Cass hasn't specified, so I don't wish to pry. I don't know what the procedure is at this stage. Well, that goes well, Cass. Cass? Cass? Oh, she's gone. She's gone under.

Do they let the radio on in the hospital? Sounds like it. Or is this one of those house operations when they come to you and, you know that, they just come and arrive with a bottle of Dettla and a J-cloth and give you a wheel. That doesn't happen in London, darling. Doesn't it? No. Well, we often had an operation in our house.

Anyway, this won't put the body, I'm very, keep them coming because, you know. Oh, they're coming. Are they? What else? Has anyone done anything illegal? Well, 596, I'm filling my Euro 2012 sticker album. Loads of swapsies. Brilliant.

That's brilliant. There's something... I wouldn't say illegal. I'd say it's a little bit sleazy. You realise how many ugly people there are in professional sport when you fill those stickers? I mean, there are some people you think, oh, no. Sorry, you were saying? 402 says he's leaving a swingers club. That can't

be right, can it? I don't think that's true. Could it be? I think it could. Do you? It seems awfully late. I'm not going to name and shame him. No, no, no. It seems awfully late. Awfully late. Why you wouldn't enjoy a swingers club, probably, Frank. I like to be out of a swingers club by 4am at the latest.

And my arms get... my arms hurt. Yeah, yeah. Did you watch the Flotilla? Oh, yeah. No. You didn't watch it? I was away. Oh, you were in Kilkenny, of course.

As they say in newspapers when columnists haven't got a column, Alan Cochran was away. Alan Cochran was away. Alan Cochran's away. Come on, make your mind up. What do they say in newspapers? They didn't seem as into the Jubilee in Ireland as they were. I know they've got money problems. They couldn't seem to afford bunting, even.

Oh, no. Just not bothered for it. They've never really let us off the hook for that potato thing. I think it was that yeah i mean come on can we be blamed for the sins of our fathers there's residual knock is how i would describe it residual knock yeah i love that where's that medical dictionary frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Can I just give you an update on the lady who was getting her back operated on?

I think it was her back. The spinal procedure. She was getting her back drawn on, wasn't she, for a spinal procedure. That'd be a good way for a bath. The spinal procedure. The back operation. Yeah, I don't think I... Because we were wondering if they have radio on in the hospital

and she's texted saying she brought me on radio. I can't miss your show. Fabulous. Yeah. And then I was wondering... Good luck. She might even have an app. She might have an app for that.

What's the lady's name? Her name's Kaz. It's Kaz. Good luck with your... Your back thing. Yeah, I wonder how many of our listeners are on morphine, as we speak. I'd say the silent majority. There's definitely a silent majority.

I'm more a pethidine fan. Frank Pauline says, I'm in Bratislava cleaning my flat before heading to my school summer sale where my brownie unit are selling squash. No way. What? Bratislava. Do they have brownies in Bratislava?

Evidently. And they still sell squash. Actually, brownies in Bratislava. A novel. I better wait. I like that. No, they sell squash. I mean, what's happened to Eastern Europe?

I love that. No, he was genuinely asking what has happened to Eastern Europe. On 8-12-15. Yeah, that's the other text in. What's happened to Eastern Europe? No, I think genuinely asking what has happened to Easton here. On 8-12-15. Yeah, that's the other text in, what's happened to Easton here. No, I think the summer's brilliant. I really like the old brownie scouts thing. My boy I'm going to enlist as a cob at the very first opportunity. You get to wear a scarf.

You get to wear one of those scarves like Tony Hart used to wear on Fish and On. A slightly camp. Is it a toggle or a woggle? Do you remember when Benny Hill used to come on at the end in his normal clothes? He often used to wear one of those scarves with a little... You get to dress like a 1970s homosexual.

And that's something that's good for children. Yeah, you always got that chance in my family. I also like a child called Pauline, just putting that out there. Not a name you hear often for a child. I never did Cubs. Oh, I thought that was going to be some terrible, mis-lit book you'd read, A Child Called Pauline,

about somebody who'd been knocked about. Oh, he's probably written that by now, hasn't he? That Dave Pelzer guy. Anyway, I need to get off my chest about the Jubilee Flotilla. Oh, yeah. So the Queen, she didn't sit on the throne. She wasn't sitting on that throne, Frank was standing still laughing at that every time every time absolutely did you i watched the whole thing did you really i did all all 1 000 boats

i like there was a thousand boats i'd say 30 of them had any interest for me whatsoever 970 of them i could absolutely take or leave can i ask you did you watch them on the telly even though they were going past your flat now i watched them go past my flat but i had the telly common shot in case they told me anything interesting oh lovely nice i combined it like on new year's eve yeah i consider fireworks from my flat but i like to uh I like to get the time check absolutely spot on. I think you can combine reality and the dream.

Yeah. But things that... I mean, it wasn't the Pope. When the Pope came over Lambeth Bridge, that was brilliant. And is that now the yardstick by which you judge all river activities? He didn't need boats.

He just had one, like, sort of modified ice cream van. And it was brilliant. And also, don't you think the Queen slightly nicked his outfit with that all white? Yes. He also didn't need a pashmina. No. He braved the elements.

No, but I did, when she went past, I thought, oh, yeah, why don't you just rip off the Pope's stage gear? It was stage gear! Do you remember when Kylie Minogue had a period of wearing, like, a goatee-style basque on stage in the Vapor Trail of Madonna? Yeah, definitely. And you thought, no, you've got to go, you know, follow your own groove. That's what I was saying to the Queen. I mean, you

know, she couldn't hear me, but I was saying it out loud. Another thing I thought, that the Mowrys were involved. Yeah. You know the Mowrys? Oh, I know them. I'd like to send out a message to the Mowrys. I respect them as a nation. Right, here follows something very abusive.

No. There's a tension. It's all right to go out the house without having to do the hacker. Don't be pigeonholed. When the TV person says, could you do the hacker and look at... Just say, you know, mate, we don't always... Oh, no, that's the South Africans. No. We don't always do the hacker. No. We only do it. It's not a ceremonial thing, but we don't always... That's the South Africans. We don't always do the hacker.

You know, we only do it. It's not a ceremonial thing, but we don't have to do it. No, no, it looks great on camera. And then they go, oh, come on, we'd better do the hacker. Get your tongs out. Don't do it. Have a day off from the hacker. They do like the wobbly tongs for the slow-mo replay.

They don't like it. They hate it. You know what I mean? They hate it. The person in the booth goes, yeah, yeah, get the face shot. They hate it. It's like I mean? They hate it. The person in the booth goes, yeah, yeah, get the first shot. They hate it. It's like when Europe have to do the final countdown. They don't want to do it.

They're sick of doing it, but they have to do it. People say, we saw Europe, they didn't do the final countdown. We saw some Maoris in James' part. And you know what? Not a Tongon show. Not a squat, not a Tongon show, not a threatening spear move. What's happened to those people? They need to fight their stereotypes. We all do.

But it's too late to put it back in the box, isn't it? They'd be like Shaken Stevens not doing Green Door now. I know somebody that saw him and he didn't do Green Door and everyone was like, what? Oh, you want your money back? I like the idea that Shaken Stevens is just doing his new material. Shaken Stevens doing his own stuff. He did, apparently. Oh, absolutely marvellous.

But you've got to shut the box early, or not at all. It's like REM for ages didn't do Shiny Happy People, even though people demanded it of them. And what a loss that would have been. Exactly. But had they carried on doing it, they now couldn't stop doing it and go, no, no, no, we only do the good stuff, could they?

Well, but now they've disbanded. Yeah. Which is an opportunity for the Melries to take up shiny, happy people as their new party piece. That's my advice. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

Frank, we've had some news in from Tom. I'm going to call him 848, actually. I'm going to recall his name. He might want anonymity. OK. Do you remember... Can you do that?

Well, it's recalled. OK. Do you remember he wrote to us about meeting this girl, a Hungarian girl he'd asked out on a date? Oh, yeah, bright orange hair. Yes. Frank was anti it, wasn't he, because he thinks it's hard enough for a man and a woman

to be compatible without a language barrier. Yeah, you don't know how to... Look how vigorously you're nodding, that's hilarious. You don't know how to the gender barrier with the language and cultural barrier. Pretty soon you're... well, the word I'm after is estranged. Oh, yeah. Well. Well, he's been updating

us on their progress. Things were going very well. Yeah, good. Quite a few dates. They were what I'd call an item. Oh, they were an item. He's just texted in. Frank and the team.

The team's not great, but anyway. Yeah. My Hungarian girl and I broke up because she is an escort. Oh, yeah. I texted her to say she can only be with me if she quits oh my god it's one of those i find uh when i find out my girlfriend when i find out her girlfriend has been working the best way for that conversation to happen is through the medium of text message definitely can i just put this up can i just find out is that a deal breaker then? What? Doing that kind of work.

I think you can. I mean escorts it covers a multitude doesn't it? Well that's it. That sounds like a terrible car advert. What do you think Frank? I think that you know if the alternative is selling squash I'd be an escort.

I think you could. There you go, kids. I think, you know, they have their no kissing rules and stuff. There's a certain amount of distance. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that. It's all based on that film, the no kissing rules. What? What's it, Julia Roberts?

It's the one called the kissing rules. No. No, you two. Oh, I'm not even going to bother breaking this up. Oh, I know what you mean. You mean Pretty Woman? Yes, that's what he meant. Don't walk away, OK?

That's the way it must be, OK? I don't know, Elvis was in that film. No, it's supposed to be Roy Orbison. If you look at Roy Orbison, is there a less likely bloke on the planet to go, growl? Look it up. What was we talking about before?

We were talking about the Jubilee and then an escort girl, they sing one of our listeners. Let's just go past that thing. I'll tell you one thing. Wasn't it rubbish, the flotilla? Yes, I think it was rather a damn squib. It was rubbish. There were some good boats and a lot of...

It was rubbish. They should have made it a race it's taught me that would have really given an edge if it was you know somebody really sort of edging the queen's barge off into a bag yeah to get past oh ben hurst style i would love that all the old rowers going going past that would be excellent or all that hacker vengeance coming out the Maori. All that resentment for years having to do it. I think everyone should have been forced to be riding solo as well. It just would have added an element of jeopardy.

Sorry, what is that? Is that a euphemism? Yeah, yeah. Hand going commander. I don't think it's a good one. I'll tell you what I did like though, because I live quite near to it. I went out on Sunday morning. Yes, to a roman catholic church and um there was lots of uh police i mean there was literally police every 25 yards as a police person lovely it was brilliant why not i have a thing for please no but it just meant i've never felt so safe in my...

This is in Lambeth. And I actually walked back from church with my wallet on top of my head, like a pretty young girl at a swish finishing school. Because I just knew no-one could... I'd never felt... It just made me think, wouldn't it be brilliant if we lived in a hardcore police state? Yeah. They don't know

what they've got going for them, those people. They moan about oppression. I've never felt so... Oh my gosh. I've felt so safe. I thought I could just relax here. I don't know what the fuck you've got me for that.

Generally speaking, on the streets of London, I'm absolutely petrified. You live next door to the Archbishop of Canterbury. Exactly. And you constantly listen to scary novels on your iPhone. Yeah. No, but it's a dangerous place, London, but not on Sunday. Fabulous.

I wanted to dance from one to the other, shaking their hands. I'm so glad I was to see them. I love the police. I'd like to make it every ten yards. Why not just have them in a human chain around my house? I thought I could be myself. Do you know what I mean? Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I'm not done with these Jubilee celebrations yet. I've got a great deal more to say about them. Well, go on. We haven't even started on, for me, what was the major event, which was GB's concert. Oh, yes. Gary Barlow's concert.

That was. Did you watch the concert? Let's call it that, Gary Barlow's concert. It was that. I watched it but I didn't have the sound up. Extraordinary decision. Yeah, there were reasons. For a concert, Frank. We had people... You watch music concerts.

That one, yes. There was a lot of good bands on. Oh. But I mean... Which ones were they? I mean, good in, you know, good. They were good. Yeah.

But they were just good. Right. Competent is what they were. Yeah, yeah. There was some competent performers. There was some proficiency on display. You know, I mean, the Queen, you've got to blend it, so you can't have the fall on when it's the Queen.

I understand that. The Queen was wearing a cloak. I did notice that. She had a cloak on with a gold clasp detail at the neck. I have tried to champion the cloak. And now suddenly the Queen steps in. Maybe she heard that episode. She looked like Emperor Ming.

She looked amazing. I think the Queen does listen to the podcast whilst jogging. Do you think she was listening to it when we were talking about cloaks a few weeks ago? At the same time as thinking, what am I going to wear for the Jubilee concert? Hang on a second. Hold on, haven't I got a... What happened to that cloak I... You know the cloak I had on in the Cecil Beaton portrait?

What is that? It's in the charity bag mom she would get it back out of the channel get that iron i'll wear that it smells a bit of i don't care what it smells of it's outdoor just do it get out so was it the cloak that she wore in that painting in the 60s it looked exactly like if it's the royal family they're a fan of recycling but i mean that's incredible isn't it a big event like that and then you get out some that you've had for it's been the great thing about this is the joy of a cloak you see you can say look at that the joy of a 60s i had that still fits me it's not

it's not perishable you could put two stone on and get into the same club no not, not if you're George Lucas and you've got all sorts of matter around the neck. No, that would be a problem. She's still quite trim, the Queen, anyway. George Lucas actually, apparently, had a piglet grafted onto his throat as a prank. And that's his back. If you look at the central strand of George Lucas's fat throat, you can see a spine. Paul Sine's spine running along it.

Like a string of pearls. Frank. Check that out. Google image. When Prince Charles called the Queen Mummy, sweet or a bit creepy, how did you... Did you like that?

Well, I can't lip read. Oh, I'm sorry, you had the sound down. I didn't know he'd done that. He did. Ooh. He said, Your Majesty, Mummy. And everyone laughed. You know, did you see that documentary?

Did he call them Mama on that? Oh, that's what posh people are very like, aren't they? Mama and Papa. Yeah, but Mama, he actually said. So Mama, blah, blah, blah. Mama! We should have got into that. They weren't there brian may wasn't there he wasn't on the roof this time but madness were yes now i found that one of the most profoundly depressing scenes i've ever witnessed if i'm totally honest on what

ground on so many grounds i don't know where to start. I hated their jackets. Don't know where to start? Exchange and march. That's my first ever voiceover. Was it? I had to start a remix there. I'd only done two. I hated...

20 years apart. The, um... Yeah, you had to go and wash your hands afterwards, didn't you? I remember that well. I did, yes. A sort of comedy promoter jacket is what I'll call it. Those jackets they wear. Comedy managers. You know, with the velvet? Oh, yeah. They always liked a bit of comedy promoter jacket is what I'll call it. Those jackets they wear, comedy managers, you know, with the velvet?

They always liked a bit of that, I think, Madness. They loved that. I think they started that and then comedy promoters followed. Their voices. I mean, what have they been doing the last 20 years? Drinking. Yes, and smoking a lot of fags. They sounded awful.

Oh, I don't... They did. You can't say that can you about madness they're a national treasure you and i didn't hear it so emily really can't that's the only one everyone was saying how great they were and i it was like school run dads in sheffield shuffling around the projections i like that they had a good project they had some good slides it's not a slideshow it's not a presentation it's. It's not a slideshow. It's not a presentation. It's going to be a concert. It was a slideshow with some middle-aged people,

top right-hand corner. But also they did Our House, didn't they? One's House, they called it. Did they? Yes, they did some comedy for the Queen. When I said last week, I hope they call it Our Palace, and they've obviously heard and thought, well, we can't just make his joke.

We'll just slightly move it sideways. Or maybe they've had the same idea. I mean, ideas are ten a penny, aren't they? Ideas are ten a penny? They might have had it right that day. That's a fabulous quote. Ideas are ten a penny. I didn't feel, from the Queen's expression,

their joke had landed very well. Oh, really? No. Tough crowd, though, isn't she? A very tough crowd. No, I thought the moment when she actually... After the song, she drew the cloak over her head. When it turned back to her, she was just like,

you know when they put the cover over a parrot at night to stop it talking? It was like that. She just put the cloak over her head and then the crown back on top. That would have been brilliant, like causing it. Now, there was a there was a yeah I've completely forgot where I was gonna say I'd like to know about that was gonna be brilliant that's probably gonna be the funniest thing I've ever said yeah apologies and you'll think of it on your own when you're on

the toilet or something no I'll never think of to that Tom Jones was interviewed did you see that before was he and they said what you know what are you a royalist Tom you said I think the royal family do a great job and I thought Tom how come no one else has ever said that you've you've come up with that he actually said oh no ironically I think they do a great job. Everybody says that, Tom. I wish Tom had said, I wish the bloke had said, but Tom, why bother saying that? Everybody says that. It's such a cliche. Well, you see,

unoriginal thought is my constant companion. I will have no truck with original or incisive thinking in any way. And my son says to me, Dad, why don't you say something different? No, I won't. I'll stick with dull old truisms.

Tom Jones there, ladies and gentlemen. That's how the interview should have gone. Frank, did you witness what I'm going to call the slight James Corden Adele moment with Rolf Harris and Lenny Henry? It was very painful. Did they get married up?

He tried to shove him off the stage. He interrupted two little boys. It was awful. Oh, Lenny Henry did? Yes. Lenny Henry interrupted two little boys. Did they? Yes.

Well, that's a bit rude. What were they doing? Was this the Jedward section? Look, we've got to go to the new soon, but more of the concert to come, I'm sure. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And Uncle Tom Copley and all. And Uncle Tom Copley. Everybody, and Uncle Tom Copley. Everybody, and all. Nobody. Okay, nobody. All right. You can text us on 81215 if you've got anything you want to get off your chest.

Oh, and they have. What if it's expectorant? It's mainly corrections. There seems to be corrections and clarifications. Apparently Brian May was there at the Jubilee. Was he? Yeah, I heard something about him being there. He was in the box with the specials, according

to Yvonne. I don't know if he was supposed to be there, though. I think he went up a drainpipe. He just shinned up a drainpipe. He's a bit like the Boy Jones. That's an email we had this week when we were talking about the Boy Jones. The Boy Jones, yeah, yeah.

398 says the Lenny Henry Rolf Harristing was a joke. And there's suggestions... That can't be right. It was a... What happened? He was rude to Rolf. Lenny was quite big on the race stuff, I felt, Lenny. And I just think times have moved... Hold on, hold on a minute.

But where's the... Let me just check the absolute manual. But, Frank, times have moved on. Hold on a minute. Let me just check the absolute manual. But Frank, times have moved on. Have they? Yes. Obama's in the White House. You don't need to do that material. We're better than we were, certainly.

And the clothes have changed, Lenny. Don't wear those sort of suits anymore. Comedians don't. Come on, God, stop. Lenny Henry's a national hero. Certainly. Not in my house. He's in the't. Oh my God, stop. Lenny Henry's a national hero. Certainly. Not in my house. He's in the West Midlands where I come from. Leave him alone. I think that

Madness should have done House of Fun instead of... No, because there's some rude references in that song. No, but I like the idea of being on top of the Buckingham Palace singing House of Fun. Sort of hammering it home that we don't actually work. just you know sit around drinking carafts of wine and playing with the dogs but do you think it is fun though

i just imagine it all being a bit stifled don't feel don't fall for that you think it's absolute high jinx from i bet the queen hasn't set an alarm for she's never she's never set an alarm for 17 years. But she's never set an alarm. Gets up when she gets up. That's like Marquise Smith. She and Marquise Smith have that in common, Frank. Exactly. I wish he'd have had his own barge. In case you don't know Marquise Smith, he's the

lead singer with The Fall, my favourite band in all the world. Though he doesn't like them being called a band, of course. He thinks they should be called a group. Oh, okay. There you go. So, yeah. So, um... And you did see Elton John then, Frank?

I saw Elton John. I didn't hear him. So you saw his garb. That was lovely. He had a pink, sort of like a grandmother at a bar mitzvah. Lovely jacket. She's got the claws out today. These poor people. Did they get paid?

I think they did. Did they do it for charity? Kylie was good. I loved Kylie. Was she on? She was the best one. Yeah, she was great. Did she have the basque on

or has she moved on? Oh, God. I hate it when you get like that. No, I wasn't being like that. We've already talked about it. Yeah, come on now. She's... Who's the thing that she wore

that was like Madonna? We've talked about it already. She's distanced herself from that. She's now what you'd call a Basque separatist. Camilla. I watched Camilla and she got a lovely hat on, I think. Lovely. A really lovely hat.

And I thought if I'd made that hat, I would call myself the Camillaner. Nice. That would be my business card. I'm the Camillaner. Nice. Eh? That would be my business card. I'm the Camillaner with a picture of that hat. Very good. But something I'd learnt because, you know, my career, it started very well. It's on a good arc and it's plateaued.

Extraordinary statement. And I've never really quite sorted it when I haven't hit the heights, the true heights of popularity. But, you know. And then I was watching that, and I've never mastered that art of saying something which the audience automatically cheer at the end. You know when you go a bit loud, and you say,

ladies and gentlemen, it's the Diamond Jubilee! And the crowd go... And you get massive applause and cheers. Yeah. I've never... Whenever I've tried that, I'll go, Aaron, we've got a great show tonight! No.

I just can't do it. And I've noticed a lot of people were doing their links like that. I don't know, I can't! I just can't. And so my applause, what little applause I've got in my career has been based completely on saying very, very funny things rather than doing that get louder towards the end of a sentence. And to be honest, my method is hit and miss at best.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So while you've all been jubileeing it up, I was away last weekend in Kilkenny at an Irish comedy festival. Ah, Kilkenny. Yeah.

How can you buy all the stars in the sky? That's what was sang on every corner. Actually, I think that's Killarney. Oh, yeah. Sorry, everyone. Do that again, Geoff. Live, you say? Killing me. OK, how was it? It was good fun, but I did a bad

thing. They have a football match on the Sunday. Ireland comedians versus rest of the world comedians. Oh, is that anyone I would have known? Yeah. Oh, lovely. anyone I would have known? Yeah. Oh, lovely. Milton Jones scored a hat-trick, apparently. Brilliant footballer, Milton.

Is he really? Played him several times. He's very good. Who would have thought that Matt Smith was a brilliant footballer? Matt Smith? Doctor Who. Is he really? Is he really, Frank?

I mean, Topknot played for, I think, Knott's Forest. And that's unusual with potions. Yeah, he doesn't look the type. I thought his legs in those tight shorty trousers he wears as doctor who yeah really but i do love that i love finding out that someone's brilliant at football yeah you don't expect him as well gandhi never thought it gandhi was good at brilliant i've just made this up sorry do you mean david gandhi the supermodel yeah oh okay yeah yeah he's my favorite gandhi he's good at football. He's your favourite Gandhi?

Yeah, he's my favourite Gandhi. I bet he's been on a few hunger strikes himself. Producer has spat her tea across the studio at the idea that that's your favourite Gandhi. Zuma, what's he called? Jacob Zuma, is it? President of South Africa. Was apparently a hard-tackling midfielder in the prison team.

Is that right? Yeah. See, these are the things. Anyway, I didn't play this year. Are you any good, Alan? No, I'm fine. I'm not good, but I'm fine. And I've played before there, and I've not embarrassed myself,

but I'm not a flair player. OK. But I can usually cope but this year i just didn't fancy it and i made a terrible excuse i sort of hedged my bets on the excuse at first i said oh i can't really play i'm i'm a bit injured but i was a bit vague about it and then i have natural i'm a bit injured i have a natural honesty compulsion and eventually i started saying to people well to be honest it's it's more that I'm afraid of getting injured. I don't really, because it was wet weather and people playing in trainers that haven't played much.

I just started having a morbid fantasy that someone was going to clatter through me and really hurt me. But then you can't go from I am injured to I have a morbid fear of injury. And bear in mind there'll be comedians playing who are bitterly resentful that you're on this show. I would imagine so, yeah. I mean, remember, this is quite a big prize. Oh, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. You know, they hear about me talking about, oh, yeah, we've been to the Sony Awards,

I'm off to the Archivas, whoa, big man! So they probably would want to do some kind of reducer on me early on. You didn't play? I didn't play. I had a really nice day. I sat about in the hotel room. You were essentially a wag for the day. Yeah, I just... You sat on your own in the hotel room?

I lounged about. I had a really lovely lounge-about day. Ironically, looking at football transfer speculation on the internet and the managerial merry-go-round. That might be the most depressing day that I would ever experience. Oh no, it was a really good day. Safer. But I felt bad about the excuse not being good enough. And then I clipped my toenails

and my shoes fitted a bit better and I realised maybe that was what was putting me off. How long, what are we talking about? They were definitely too long for football. They folded right up. 18 inches? I could have punctured the ball had I played. That would have been a problem.

They folded into sort of ice skates. It's making me feel ill. Can we stop talking about his toenails? Sorry, I'm tone. The best ever excuse for not playing football was that Paul Maidley, the Leeds United midfielder, was called into the 1970 England squad and said that he

wouldn't go to the World Cup in Mexico because he'd already arranged a family holiday in Cornwall. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, you know the cockerel was talking about how he'd managed to wangle his way out of football the other day?

What, in Kilkenny? Yes. Oh, can I buy all... It's Killarney. Well, 417 has another good excuse he's texted in. Hi, Frank and the gang. I heard on an inferior station last year that Adele turned down performing at the royal

wedding as she was having a barbecue and had already bought the sausages i love that excellent x i hope that's true yeah i do as well i wonder how much notice there was involved like if she was going look they've they've got a yellow sticker on them saying oops eat me now so i really can't scotch eggs she should have said she said she should have said um i'm i'm i'm rolling them in breadcrumbs in the deep fat from it you with me yeah yeah i'm rolling them in there yeah yeah i get it it's an adult like the deep fat fryer yeah yeah so did you hear that m i just say it was like she was rolling i did hear it okay okay fair enough yeah i i people said to me one thing about when you have a baby you'll be able to uh you'll

always have an excuse for not going oh it's brilliant yeah and then um i was supposed to be on a boat in the flotilla you weren't i'm glad you didn't do that did you did you see the bit when they cut to sandy Toxvig, Griff Rees-Jones, Omar Jilili and Maureen Littman in a cabin? In a downstairs cabin, as I like to call it. Was that meant to be? Yeah, they were supposed to cut to us throughout the day and there was going to be a quiz about London and all sorts.

They went to them once for four minutes. We had to get there at, I think, we had to get there at 11 in the morning and we'd be there till seven o'clock at night for a four-minute link. You can't be doing that. No, but I would have gone. My baby had... It was called acid reflux. Already that sounds like an excuse.

No, no, it's absolutely true. Acid reflux, you may know, is like an obscure branch of house music. Very big in the 90s. I was about 17. He wasn't at all well, and my girlfriend was very anxious. Oh, Boz. And he was out of the house too long, so I didn't go. And, boy, do I owe him one.

My son's called Boz, by the way, in case anyone is unaware of that. Yes, B-U-Z-Z. Not Boz, which is what people say because of my accent shut your faces um yeah so so that now i feel that that was a a genuine excuse but i do feel that that was him thanking me for life yeah by getting me out of that job and it is a good excuse for professional engagements, the children thing. The harder part is finding the thing to excuse the children. Like my wife will sometimes say,

oh, there's a kid's thing on in three weeks, and I will automatically look her in the eye and say, I've got a gig, without even looking at my diary. I'll just go, I've got a gig that night. What night is it? But when you bring out the child, as I call it, I never believe it. I've got friends who go, oh, we can't get a sitter. He's 28. He's got a mortgage.

We can't get a sitter. It really winds me up. By the way, if you want to find out how terrible the experience was that they had in that cabin, Maureen Lippman wrote about it at length in this week's Jewish Chronicle, so you can read it on the website. And she said... She does that when she has a filling

though, to be fair. No, but she was funny about it. She said it was like to celebrate 60 years and they felt that they'd been on the boat for the duration of it. It was very marvellous. It's slightly sniffy about Griff Rees-Jones, but maybe it was a tongue in

cheek. I don't know. Read it. Read the Jewish Chronicle. Yes, and you, mate. Brawn your mind for a change, for goodness sake. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was saying I never believed when people said, oh, we couldn't get a sitter. Yes.

I never believed that. Although I sometimes, the best excuse I had, I once, I said I'm not, I couldn't get a sitter. I never believed that. Although I sometimes, the best excuse I had, I once, I said I'm not, I was invited to a fancy dress party and I said I'm not going because I said I'm too old. Too old? I'm too old to get dressed up as an orange and wear brightly coloured tights.

No, but fancy dress, you could have gone as some sort of... How dare you? No, it's fancy dress, Frank. As a medieval hag you could have gone. The problem with fancy dress for ladies though is that they sometimes pick

an outfit that is not flattering and then after the initial arriving moment and oh, you're in fancy dress, then you just look minging for a night. So I can see why a glamorous lady such as yourself might go, no, I'm not having that. No way. Exactly. A glamorous lady such as yourself might go, no, I'm not having that, no way. Exactly.

A glamorous lady such as yourself. Did you hear the hesitation while I was phrasing that? It was beautiful. You know what it was? It was very Titch Martian. Yeah. I felt like I was on Alan Titch Martian's show. Yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah, you're right. Glamorous lady such as yourself, Vanessa Feld. I thought it was a bit like Michael Parkinson interviews Bo Derek. That was the kind of sound I thought it had to it. I think people want to lie. They actually take a lie as a sign of respect. You just tell them why you're not going to somewhere. I was invited, continuing our intermittent royal theme this morning,

I was invited to a royal garden party at Buckingham Palace. Lovely. And unfortunately, it was on the same day that Warwickshire County Cricket Club were playing in a COP semi-final. So I instructed my personal assistant to tell them exactly that because I thought that was a good excuse. Have I ever been invited back? No, sirree, Bob.

So I would have been better saying that I was anticipating the delivery of a plum tree. But it's too late now, of course. I'm afraid the cat's out of the bag. As Mary Bale would say if she was here. Sadly, she isn't. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, you were talking earlier about the Jubilee concert and suggesting... We weren't talking. Thank you for that. And you were talking about how you didn't feel you were the right person to do that kind of gig.

Well, I don't know about that. I'm not very good at getting the crowd to cheer by suddenly getting, what about, ow! And they just don't go with me. It's a knockout style-y. Yeah. Well, one of our listeners agrees with you. OK.

The reason why you could not have performed a link is that you are a comedy purist. Oh, blimey. And would not have been able to restrain yourself. Mm-hm. Quite right, too. Sad to see popular comics selling out and sacrificing the comic art. Comedy first and royal diplomacy second.

There you go. That's what Henry Kissinger said to me once. Yeah. Well, that's... I couldn't possibly comment on that. That's from Martin. Martin's a man of opinions. Isn't he? We've also heard from the

outside world during the week in an email. Is this what we like to call an email corner? I think we ought to call it an email corner. Can you improvise one quickly? Go on. Email corner! By next week we'll have added a sitar into that.

We could put a sitar into that, won't we? We could put a sitar in in post. Email corner! Boom! There you go. It's on the subject of idiotic eureka moments. Let me explain for new listeners. This is something, it's a kind of something that you don't get for years.

Yes. It's a joke or something and you suddenly think, oh, hold on a minute. The example we always use is actually going back to maureen nickman that when she was bt in the bt adverts i never put two and two together it's just called bt because of bt yeah i thought the example that we always gave was the person that uh didn't realize that sooty and sweet were about chimneys and i didn't realize that either no no right So that's why we don't give that example. Can I just say, FYI, can we not argue about which example we may or may not give?

I'm just telling you, because, you know, there could be... I think sometimes we're adding this, there's four or five a week. Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised. I don't want to alienate those people immediately. Bring them in, bring them in quick. Let's bring them in.

Good morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. On the subject of IEMs, Idiotic Eureka Moments I thought I'd share a particularly idiotic one with you Or maybe it's just innocent, I don't know I'm a 28 year old man And it has only dawned on me Just dawned on me, the turn of the year Why Noah would bring two of each animal

Onto his ark Looking back it is so obvious But I think when I originally heard this tale as a young innocent boy in Sunday school, I had gone on the assumption that two of each animal would be the max that Noah's ark could carry. It never crossed my mind that one would be male and one would be female. My mates

laughed at me. He thought it was all about logistics. Isn't that nice? It's never really occurred to me, I'm going to be honest. You didn't realise? No, no, I didn't really realise. You are kidding. And also, can I point... Also, they could go out, basically.

Can I point out that they could go out? Because then they could go out. You're not a natural farmer, are you? They could go out. Well, and just to help you out, Adam and Eve, there was a bit of thought went into that. Gender match, too. Gender match, too, would be a great family movie. I'm not sure. you out adam and eve there was a bit of a bit of thought went into that gender match too gender match too would be a great family movie i'm not sure yeah so i'm just gonna see your

gender match twos on at the jc okay uh yeah of course um many of you who read the old testament on a regular basis as do i will know that that it's not quite as straightforward as it sounds. There's a bit where God says to Noah, bring two of each animal, but seven of the clean animals, seven of each clean animal and seven of each birds of the air. No. Really? Seven.

I mean, there's going to be a bird of the air sort of kicking its heels most nights, while the other two have paired off. Terrible awkwardness. But also, what about the headroom on the boat? That's going to need to be... It's going to be a boat with an aviary

all of a sudden, isn't it? Yeah, but where are they going to go? It's just water everywhere else. Yeah. They know which side their bread's bottled, these birds of the air. Surely they could just fly around the boat rather than be in the boat. What do you mean?

Oh, no, that's unhygienic. There'll be kitchen preparations and things, birds flying around. Flying around? You think they're trying to get their cuttlefish at source? Their plot is to... Why do they need to be in the boat, anyway? What, birds of the air?

Yeah. Well, it's a long time to be airborne. 40 days and 40 nights. I suppose. God, give them a bit of a roosting capacity. There's only seven of the birds of the air. I suppose seven of each birds of the air is quite a lot. Are we going to now always refer to birds as birds of the air in any context?

Am I to assume that? Well, not all, but... Presumably penguins. Yeah, they're as birds of the air in any context. Am I to assume that? Well, not all, but presumably penguins. Yeah, they're not birds of the air. No, they're just penguins. There'll be two of them. Two penguins. This is Frank Skinner of Sleep Radio. Um, Frank,

are we continuing email corner? I don't know what the parameters are. It's grand enough. Test our four corners. Radio. Um, Frank, are we continuing Email Corner? I don't know what the parameters are. It's Canada. Tester have four corners. Well, no, but do you have to do the jingle again? Oh, OK. OK. Email Corner.

It's getting weirder. Um, OK, this is from Robin in Canada. Lovely. Dear Frank. This time of year, as a regular listener, That'll clash, the clash with the mountains,

won't it? Their brown and red is very much their look. Very much so. As a regular listener, I've of course been following your progress with the Dracula audiobook.

Oh yes, I've finished that now. And recently, I was perusing a second-hand bookshop when I spotted the analogue version. What does that mean? The book? Does that mean the book version? OK. Inspired.

I think. Well, wait a minute, you two. Inspired by your good review, I bought and am enjoying it immensely. Good. Somehow, I had never known the actual plot of the novel, except, spoiler alert, Dracula is a vampire. So I'm finding it to be an exciting and tense page-turner. It's also genuinely spooky.

So thanks for the recommendation. What should I read next? And please accept my congratulations on becoming a father. Thank you so much. So the Frank Skinner Book Club, what do you say? I think once you read Dracula... my first thought was I have to read Frankenstein next. Yeah. And then after that I think I'll probably read

Abbott and Costello. That should be alright. Now I'm currently reading The Art of Fielding which is a very fine mix of sport, classical literature references and homosexuality. Get down to your bookshop. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Absolute Radio. I'm Frank Skinner. Hello, Mr Radio. I'm with Emily Dean. And Alan the Cockerel Cochran. That's everything covered. You can text us on 8-12-15. I've got a parenthesis there.

Alan the Cockerel Cochran. Nice. I was wondering about... Wouldn't it be speech marks? Aren't parentheses brackets yes they are well this is quite a way to kick off the third hour of our show

a discussion about grammar tune in for grammar hour as we discuss the use of the semicolon I blame the parentheses very good grammar and puns it turns out grammar and puns like grammar and puns it turns out yeah over there oh grammar and puns lovely grammar and puns that's uh that's my life summed up i have a question for you actually you

have a question ask me anything you like i have a question i love a quiz turning to your life don't ask me anything you like there's a lot i won't answer yeah i just put that out there's a few things that you've said we must never speak of. I'm always up for a quiz. No, it's not a quiz. It's more, as a recent father and a known football fan, would you cry more at the football than the birth of your first child, which was in the papers this week?

One in ten men admit England winning the Euro 2012 championship will mean more than their wedding day. They'll shed more tears of joy over their team's win than the birth of their child. Surely not. Are you in that gang? Has someone, has some research come up with the idea that men only show emotions when they're watching

sport? I think that's basically the gist of it. They've turned the world upside down, these researchers it's a shock horror story why don't they go and find a cure for because they're researchers dermatitis which i think i would say is lingering if anything as illnesses go it's a scourge um well i i cried a tiny bit when my baby was born, but mainly I was just chuffed. I was more sort of, yes! And I went around showing him to people at the maternity hospital,

members of staff, saying, look, isn't he absolutely beautiful? As if, as members of the staff at the maternity hospital, they hadn't seen many newborn babies. So, if anything, I made a fool of myself. But I only cried a little bit. It seemed a joyous thing. I support, as you know, West Bromwich Albion, so I'm no stranger to tears.

But I think there is, if you want to know what I really think, I think because fundamentally we know deep down that football doesn't matter, we're able to release our emotions completely, we're in the real world where everything has got terrible implications we fight it back because we're afraid of confronting our inner selves. Absolute radio here

do tune in to Absolute Noughties because no one is Frank, we can't say that it's too recent you can't say that. It's too recent. You can't get nostalgic about it. What next? Tune in to Absolute April, when we'll relive the hits of last April.

OK. You're overtired. Lushing out. Yes, I'm overtired. It's true. So, yeah, I do get emotional about football. Probably this tournament, because I've got a baby in house. Are you less involved, do you think?

Well, I only watched bits of both games last night, and then with the sound turned down, which is my current method of watching the telly. Well, I would have felt involved, Frank, but there was a sweepstake at Absolute Radio. There was. I got a text from the producer. It was brief and to the point, I won't lie.

Something like, want to be involved or something. Do you want to get involved? Want to get involved. There was a day when that text was a mention of else. I didn't reply within the eight minute window that was apparently enforced. Apparently I'm not involved. I'm not involved either. That's what sweepstakes are like.

I'm not familiar with the rules of sweepstakes. No, there's a very limited opportunity window. I didn't get in either. I got in. Oh, did you? Who have you got, Frank? I've got Ukraine, unfortunately. And, you know, ever since, I've felt just a little

bit racist. A bit JT, as I call it. Who would have thought one's whole outlook could be changed by a sweepstakeT as I call it. Who would have thought one's whole outlook could be changed by a sweepstake? So I'd rather I hadn't been in it now looking back. The whole thing, it set me back

years. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The subject of football that we were talking about a moment ago, we've had a text from Bodger in Rugley. Rugeley. Rugeley? No, I like Rugley.

I like Bodger as well. Am I having my Descartes moment again? I believe there's a worm at the bottom of the garden and his name is Rugley Worm. And he's from Rugeley? Yeah, Rugeley. Is it Bodger or Bourget? I don't know Bodger personally.

I don't need to think I know everyone in Rugeley. I did have an awful moment when I mispronounced Descartes a few weeks ago. Oh, is it a Midlands place, Frank? Yeah, it's Staffordshire, Rugeley. Okay, that's good enough for me. Anyway, his take on football is football, grown men chasing a ball round a lawn.

I like the lawn used there. I hope England do well because the roads are empty when they play. Ideal for bikers. He's a biker. Of course he is. He's from Rochely. They love empty roads. It's an absolute certainty.

He probably walks about with a helmet on, doesn't he? I bet he's got a black T-shirt on as we speak. That's my bit. I read the article about the men crying at football. Unfortunately, about three paragraphs in, they referred to football as the beautiful game.

And I was unable to go on. Is that a deal breaker for you? To me, if I hear anyone use the phrase the beautiful game, I dismiss them as a human being. Certainly as a football fan i dismiss them as a human being certainly as a football fan no as a human being oh okay um anyway in further euro 2012 news oh i like this this is professional you have to stand this job um have you read about these dogs oh they sound rather nasty pieces of work so what the police the polish police dogs they're seldom the gentle friendly creatures are they i

mean they're trained up to be aggressive well not just be aggressive they're being trained up i like that we're saying trained up like we work in the force they're being trained up to to bite hooligans in a sensitive area frank in the lower regions well what the lower regions of the ukraine and there's so many of those um yes i read that directly i don't know if we can we can use the word surely directly we don't need to let's check i think we do need to we need to yeah we don't want people thinking that we mean the upper leg. No, we don't mean the upper leg. We don't mean the upper leg.

We mean the groin area. Okay. Is that okay? Yes. Yeah. We can't say nether regions or people will think we mean the Netherlands. They will bite people in the Netherlands if they have to chase them that far. But yes, they bite people in the crotch what about you happy with that can i

just say i love this story i love the fact that they're training dogs and that some of the dogs might be like no no i'm more of a romp man every police dog i've ever seen attack anyone in any sort of video or instructional video they bite people on their specially designed forearm padding exactly that's the only place they ever bite them so what's the guy who's training these dogs well what kind of weird like do you think he's got like one of those big boxers groin guards he's wearing the dogs just biting him he's wearing a heavily lagged cricket box do you know what else i liked frank in? In one of the local papers, I do read them all, it said Polish police are going to come down on troublemakers

like a bag full of anvils, which I thought was fantastic. Very medieval punishment. I think that's a translation thing. Yes, I thought perhaps it was. Weird similes in foreign languages. After they've been bitten on the crotch, they need to come down on them with a bag full of Advil.

Which is a painkiller. Popular painkiller. It's a strange tale, but I'm often being torn to pieces, really. Savaged. Many of these people will own devil dogs back home in their council flats. And I like the idea of the bite a bit.

Oh, my God. back home in their council flats. And I like the idea of the bite a bit. Oh, my God. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, I think you could safely describe us as big fans of the Olympic torch here in this studio. Well, I like anything that's milked to the extreme. Is it a friend of the show yet, the Olympic torch?

We're actually going to jingle together. Maybe with the sound of flame crackling. Is it silent, the Olympic torch? Oh, I see what you mean. Is there a sort of gas hissing noise? Yeah, I'd like to think there's a sense of... Yeah, like a coal fire. I don't think so.

I think it would be silent. Well, presumably, even if it is making a noise, no one can hear it because wherever it goes, there's cheering. Cheering, yeah. You know, it's like the Queen always smells paint in it. It's like the cheering for the torch. Just leave the Queen alone.

The Queen will be back in her bubble wrap now for a bit. I would have thought, she's got to flog the dead. Flog the winning, flog the, flog the winning horse, I think is the saying. But so the torch, often it likes to hang out with celebrities,

I find. Yeah, it does. Will.i.am has been hanging out with. Yeah. I can't think of any others. I think that was the only one. Matt Smith, actually.

Oh, did it? The former Notts Forrest. Yeah, he, that'll be on my Who News. I wouldn't be surprised if I found one. Well, the latest celebs to hang out with the Olympic torch are Jedward. Yes, I saw that. They took it to Dublin.

They ran through the streets of Dublin. They styled their hair sort of to match the torch. Well, they've gone back. Thank God they've gone back to their original sticky oppie hair. Because I don't know if you saw in Eurovision. No. They went for a sort of a flat swirling curl. Yes. If you can imagine if

John Coleshaw was shipwrecked on a desert island and his hair was allowed to run free. It'd look like that. It's a very tight. It's a terrifying thought. Because John Coleshaw looks like his head is a herringbone design. It's a terrifying thought. Because John Coleshaw looks like his head is a herringbone design. It's very neatly coiffured. Yeah, yeah.

But if it was allowed to go free, this is what it is. If you can imagine high winds on the Sargasso Sea, it'd look like that. Swirling maelstrom of a hair thing. We'll know they're in trouble when we see Jedward in the papers with bed head, like no product whatsoever. Yeah, exactly. It's like Oliver Hardy, apparently. Someone once said to Oliver Hardy when he was ill,

and they said, you need to lose a bit of weight, Ollie. And he says, you know, the thing is, I'm the fat man. I have to be the fat man. I can't. I don't have the option. Oh, that's good. I might start saying that on this show, then I can eat the biscuits.

Yeah, and so I think that, you know, they're wedded to that hair gel forever but whilst they're in the mood for having x-factor contestants can i just put forth what about subo i think she'd do a lovely job with that torch i don't know if you could allow her to uh run through a town center with uh with a naked flame well are you suggesting she'd go on the rampage i think she'd be into the nearest garage. They let two manboys in shell suits with hairspray run with a naked flame

through a town centre. That sounds to me like a fire hazard. At least Subo would have a sensible shoe. One thing you have to say about them, they're harmless, aren't they? They are. Yeah. Yeah. I've developed a soft spot. I like the idea of... You know people say, what do they do?

Blah, blah, blah. And what do they do? They exist in a light-hearted fashion. Yeah. And is that such a bad life? I'm thinking of making them friends on the show. If they weren't otter and otter imbeciles. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio frank i'd like to talk about my favorite living creature is what i'm gonna call this don't embarrass me no you come a close second okay sorry cockerel deal with it it It's a fashion cat Oh yes, I think I know who this cat is His name is Choupette And he belongs to fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld

Karl Lagerfeld, a man who's found a look and absolutely stuck with it Diamante clasp, white hair pulled back into a ponytail Big black spectacles. Shades. Not spectacles. Well, you know, I imagine they're a prescription. No, they're not. He doesn't think they're a prescription.

How old is KL? If they weren't when he picked that look, they are now. So, you know, we don't discuss age in fashion. Sorry, I've never seen a picture of Karl Lagerfeld when he didn't look like that. I presume he had a use when he was still searching. If you're ever ever at a fashion party of any description don't go up to anyone and say how old are you then i was wanted to fashion party in the mansion house of eve san lauren oh lovely wow so chou pet some birds there some birds there that's what that's what noah's son said when they asked him what it was like on the ark.

Choupette. What, you mean birds of the air? Oh, yeah, birds of the air. Choupette has been described as one of the most spoiled cats in the world. And I'll tell you for why. He has an iPad. According to Karl Lagerfeld, he knows how to use the iPad.

Exactly. Let me tell you this, Karl. What you've you this, Carl. What you've got there, you've took a picture of the cat sort of standing on the iPad and you've tried to dress that up as the cat actually operating. And he isn't operating. Do you think the cat's watching clips on YouTube and pausing them? Pausing them? Pausing them, there you go.

I like it. I mean, probably the cat watches other cats on YouTube. Do you think it's watching... Those cat things. Like, oh, hang on, I've got to see a cat fall off a shelf or mistime a jump onto a couch. Oh, comedy cat porn. No, I...

You cat. I don't think he's using... I used to go out with a photographer, and every time... She had to do a lot of photographs, like, with animals and... And every time any... There used a lot of photographs like with animals and every time there used to be an advert on the telly when a dog would go up to this place

and start picking something up out of the kitchen and she always used to say gravy and that's what they do apparently if they want animals to do anything, dogs certainly they just put a bit of gravy down off their cattle you could follow it, you could drip a trail of gravy going off the end of a cliff.

They do that with Rose for me. Frank, he also choupette. Is it a he? Oh, I don't know. Actually, it would be more fitting for it to be a lady cat, wouldn't it? You'd think so. Eats at the table. No male cat would stand for that.

And has two maids. I know that. I love the maids. I mean, I'm all for, you know, producing employment. Yes. But imagine being, not the maid's cat, but one of the sort of the cat's maids, but

one of the cat's maids. Like the second string. One of the maids has to keep a diary for the cat. But you know what? The cat has a diary. I really like that. The most famous diary in the world has entries in it that begin, Dear Kitty, doesn't it? And I hope that...

Is it? What is the... Is that Anne Frank? Anne Frank. They're addressed to Dear Kitty, aren't they? I didn't know that. It's like a fictional figure that she's writing to. I don't expect Frank to understand, though, because look at the way Shep was treated. He wasn't even allowed up the stairs, and that's because the one time he was in the bed

he ate the duvet or the eiderdown, didn't he? He scratched the eiderdown and he fell off the bedroom carpet. He fell. So it's not funny.

Don't think that's funny for a second. It's not funny. It isn't. It was disgusting. The warmth separating my toes when I jumped out of bed.

Don't you tell me what's funny. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What do they eat, I wonder? Are you talking about people in fashion again? No, Jedward. Oh, Jedward. What do they eat?

Haribor. Almost certainly Haribor. Purely in sweets. They, Jedward. What do they eat? Haribo. I think they're fuelled. Almost certainly Haribo. Purely in sweets. They just eat sweets. And Panda Cola. I imagine that's the sort of, they get in the corner shop in Ireland. Yeah. Nice big, like a two litre bottle of Panda Cola.

Yeah. Maybe not. Because you can, you know, you can mess about when you're cracking them. They like messing about. Do they consume alcohol, I wonder? I imagine they're very, very big enthusiasts of leapfrog. They have that look about them. They can't keep themselves on the ground.

They've got so much energy. If they do have alcohol, it's Bailey's because it's chocolatey in it. They don't actually really like the taste of real alcohol. I don't think they have alcohol. I think it's chocolatey in it. They don't actually really like the taste of real alcohol. Oh, yeah. I don't think they have alcohol. I think it's unlikely. No, but if they need to get a taste for it, they will have sweetened alcohol. Poppers, I think they probably like.

My God, Frank. I'd say you get your hair like that. There's no gel involved. Extraordinary. I meant party poppers, obviously. You were talking about Karl Lagerfeld's cat. Of course I was, it's Absolute Radio. It's the most spoilt cat, apparently, on the planet.

If you can imagine a scale of cat treatment, put Mary Bale on one end, putting them in the... She's cat in a bin, woman. She's cat in the weedy bin. And on the other end is Karl Lagerfeld's cat on its iPad, sitting at the same table as him. Lovely. Generally living as an equal.

Yeah. With, you know, with this... A man who I believe is the head of fashion at Chanel. Very good, Frank. He's a creative director. He is, yeah. I'll be honest, normally I'm against animals being treated like humans But in the case of, what age is he? What about humans being treated like animals?

I'm fine with that Okay, yeah Isn't he, is he 78? It depends on the circumstances Is he 78 or 79? That's all for a cat What is? Usually 15 years

Do cats get the seven year thing that dogs? Seven year rule Oh, I don't know. Is there such a thing as cat years? No, you never hear it, do you? It's difficult because they've got the multiple lives thing, which makes things even... Everything you say with cat years, you're operating on a nine-times table in the background.

Yeah. What do you think, though, Frank, as someone who's a known... has been a known dog keeper... Yes. ...animal keeper, I mean, as we've established, Shep didn't get that treatment. You're more spare the rod, spoil the staffy.

I don't like them. I certainly wouldn't have them at the dinner table. Oh. I don't like them. I think they should. I mean, our dog, Tiny, the dog I had when I was a kid, it never come home from one day to the next. I didn't know about Tiny.

Tiny never even had a collar. I've never even heard about Tiny. He didn't have a collar because we didn't have a lead. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Tiny? Where did he spring from? Tiny's the one who used to sit and bark outside the butchers for bones. I don't think I even knew about Tiny.

Oh, yeah, Tiny. Tiny never really recovered from the arrival of Cal the Whippet. Yeah. He died of a broken heart. If I was Carl Lagerfeld's cat, I think when we sit at the table, I'd say, excuse me, are you aware of the fact that I am a member of the same family as the Lynx and the Panther,

and yet you've turned me into some sort of camp toy? Some plaything. Can I say, Lagerfeld, I despise you and everything you stand for? That's probably what he's saying, but through meows. Yeah, exactly. And Lagerfeld just doesn't know. What is it, my little friend? Oh, my little friend, won't you like another little

section of satsuma? Which makes me want to vomit. Get off me, is what he's thinking. But it is better for an old man to over-spoil a cat rather than neglect because old people are neglected cats. That could lead to death, couldn't it? Don't forget that in Trainspotting

it was a cat that killed a man, not heroin. It was that cat, wasn't it, that was, you know, leaving its waist around the place. I've never seen Trainspotting. Haven't you? Well, spoiler alert. I have seen American Gigolo. And do you remember Richard... The films we have seen.

Do you remember Richard Gere? It's a strange thing to be talking about. Richard Gere used to clamp his feet to the ceiling and hang downwards in it. Yes, I love that bit, Frank. Apparently Karl Lagerfeld does that and the cat just toys playfully with his ponytail. It's a weird scene.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio Absolute Radio Frank There was an incident involving Celebrity humiliation Can you both stop watching the telly The sport on the telly please

I caught you both Watching the sport I don't even class that as a sport I was about to tell you There was a celebrity humiliation I caught you both watching the sport. I don't even class that as a sport. I was about to tell you about there was a celebrity humiliation. And you know how I like that. You love it. It's my favourite.

I like it even more than Karl Lagerfeld's cat. Okay. This involved Mel B. Well, you'd think she was Mel B. But she appeared as a guest judge at the X Factor. Okay. And a member of the crew introduced her and said, will you welcome Mel C?

No. Morty Picardo. Do you mean an ex-member of the crew? Yeah, probably. A member of the crew who is currently working on something else. Vegas Gary instead of Sporty. Oh, dear. You see. It's the worst thing when someone, the wrong identity or wrong name.

I've always Mel Black, Mel Caucasian that's how I recall them It's stood me in good stead I'm very glad to hear it But it's true, then you can never forget People do get upset about being

wrongly introduced though, don't they? I got introduced as Ellen recently Ellen I said it's Emily actually, I'm sure Ellen's very nice, but it's Emily get upset about being wrongly introduced though, don't they? Like, you know. I got introduced as Ellen recently. Ellen? Ellen. I said it's Emily, actually. I'm sure Ellen's very nice, but it's Emily. Oh, did you say that? Yeah, I did. God, I bet that poor person was reduced to

a pork scratching of a human being. I was once introduced as David Baddiel's wife. Were you? It was a Christmas... Was it to the man handing you the hotel register? No. I was delighted because his partner

is a close international friend of mine, as you know. Yes. A close international friend? Yes, that's what they say in fashion circles. One of my closest international friends. Oh, fabulous. I didn't know that. I used to say if

ever i was anywhere where i i had to sort of rough it a little bit if i was left to wait in a tent or i was standing on the street corner waiting for a car i'd say do you know i have international representation use it use it yeah you might use it doesn't matter if it's not no this woman said to me frank it was a christmas light ceremony Hampstead. She said, you're David Baddiel's wife, aren't you? I said, no. No, I'm not. I think I said he's not my husband, which looked like I objected to marriage.

Oh, I see. Living under the brush. I was, my first ever TV performance, I was introduced by Arthur Smith as Frank Spencer. No. Oh, God. Is that true? I mean, obviously, they built up the crowd. The crowd were, you know, all fantastic.

They were like, where's the guy on roller skates? And then it was me, yeah. In fairness, he probably had a few. I tried to, you know, I tried to take advantage of this by opening with the phrase, ooh, Betty. Didn't help. But I did it in a hanged dog, sour kind of a way. How would it have worked, some of this to have him,

if he'd done it like that. The thing is that the cat's done a whoopsie in my beret. Ooh, Betty. It would have given it a sort of bleak psychological drama feel. No, that would have been a cello. Yeah, but that would have... Then it would have opened with him, his head in his hands. Oh, Betsy.

I'd have liked it better. Anyway, coming up next is Leona Graham. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. God bless you all and hello boss boss boss hello absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio