The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Frank's away

Episode Date: May 11, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank is away so Emily Dean takes the reins. Emily is joined by Alun Cochrane and Steve Hall. They discuss Sir Alex Ferguson's departure, bad meals, movie viewing must haves and if it's okay to tell the odd lie.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. I'm Emily Dean and I'm standing in for Frank this week because he's gone on holiday. He's gone on a lads away day with Pete Doherty and Macaulay Culkin. That is what I last heard, so I don't know what could possibly go wrong there. We love you and we miss you, Frank. You can text us as usual on 81215. Well, you could personally, Frank, or our readers could. Or you can tweet us at Frank on the radio. I'm joined today by the legendary Cockrell, Mr Alan Cochran in the house.

My tummy just rumbled, I don't know if you heard that. I did hear it and I didn't want to say anything. It seems to happen at the start of every show, but most of the time nobody notices. But today I've outed it. As someone working in the international fashion industry, I want to congratulate you on that rumble. Thanks very much.

Sound of hunger. Yeah, I suppose you hear a lot of that in the fashion business. It's kind of my theme tune. We also have the rather wonderful Mr Steve Hall. Hall in the house House Hall in the House awful 1970s sitcom I'll one day make a time machine and create

we've already actually heard from the outside world they didn't know that you were on Steve at this point but we've had a text, hi the Cockerel and Miss Dean knowing he's a friend of the show I just wondered if you'd seen the pictures of the former BFM after he lost 46 stone. His achievement is very impressive,

but he now looks like an elephant crossed with a flying squirrel. This is Britain's fattest man. And that's from Dandyman, who's a regular texter, and says, P.S., good luck with the show. I'm sure you'll be fantastic. All the regulars are with you. I'm sure that's for you. Oh, thank you, Danny.

I remember somewhat controversially you're a fan of the Beano. That's true. It's a lovely way to compliment Britain's Fattest Man and then snatch that compliment back. His achievement is very impressive, but he now looks like an elephant crossed with a flying squirrel. But he has done it, so good luck to him. He is a friend of the show. Well, I'm glad we've kicked off with BFM. But it has done it, and so, you know, good luck to him. He is a friend of the show of sorts.

Well, I'm glad we've kicked off with BFM. But it's lovely to have you both here. It's lovely to... Steve, you're less... You're not even a friend of the show. You're more civil partnership status now. Actually, it's finally legal. I think...

I have to say, I'm very excited to be doing this today, although I feel a bit like... You know when Eamon Holmes takes over from Pippi Schofield? Yes. Like on day... What is it they do this morning or day? I feel a bit like you know when eamon holmes takes over from pippi schofield yes like on day what is it they do this morning or daybreak i feel a bit like that but a friend people often give you advice and people were saying oh are you nervous i said no no it's great i'm looking forward to it and one friend said oh yeah i think it will be great he said it's like you know when dj spooney stood in for john peel he said yeah he said look at him now

well i'm trying to look at him now, but no one knows where he is. So, you know, I'm going to have slightly higher aspirations. But I think before we need to do anything, I think we need to talk about Alex, don't we? Sir Alex. Yeah. Sir Alex.

Saf. Because people... Saf, yeah. Saf onto a person. Is that his nickname? Well, it's his acronym, I suppose, isn't it? But it does make him sound like he's on sort of Made in Chelsea. People always get sacked when Frank's off, which doesn't bode well, because, well, not sacked.

The Pope wasn't sacked. Can I say now he wasn't sacked? He chose to walk. They move aside. Yeah, yeah, they move on. But what did you make of it all? I think it's amazing. But one of the most amazing things about it is that it turns out Sir Alex Ferguson is older than David Moyes. That's... Yes!

It wouldn't actually have surprised me that much if Moyes had resigned, retired, and Fergie had taken his job. Surely. I mean, he's 20 years younger than him. I know, but to be fair, Sir Alex, he looks good, doesn't he? He's doing all right. Moyes, I think, is like me. He's one of those people that folk look at and go, drink water, please. I think I'm getting the Moyes-type wrinkly eyes. But he's

probably a nice bloke. I don't see any similar. I wouldn't describe him as a luco-likey for you. Yeah, there's a dour Scotsman. Moyes looks very much like my father-in-law. Is that right? So I should be mortally offended that you've just described him as looking so rough. Because I'll have you know, Ken Gregory is a handsome man. I don't think he's not handsome. I've seen that written on many toilet walls, I have to say. I like, you know, people were kind of coming forward and they were paying tributes. And I liked Joel Glazer, one of the chairmen.

He said, I will always cherish the wonderful memories like that magical night in moscow yeah which i think personally should have remained between them people are away they're on business they get lonely what goes in moscow exactly what happens in moscow stays in moscow i agree with that but um well it's been remarkably sober a lot of the coverage because I'm currently working on Russell Howard's Good News and so we have to scour the news in tedious soul crushing detail He's given a little plug to his other project

he likes doing that but there's been nothing we've been looking for sort of rejoicing scousers leaving blogs online on YouTube and stuff like that and it's all been quite soberly handled. And there's just lots of sort of quite fond stuff. So suddenly the hairdryer treatment is given this kind of,

oh, do you remember the hairdryer treatment? It was this wonderful thing. Although someone should now open, hope, the hairdressers in Manchester and call it the hairdryer treatment. That'd be good. And then they could have sort of squeaky bum time, could be a sort of specialist bleaching salon. I think that sounds a wonderful idea.

Look, one thing we know that Sir Alex wouldn't want is for us to go into injury time, so we'll be back in a minute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio, but Frank's not here. You've got me, Emily Dean, and I'm here with Steve Hall and Alan Cochran. And we're talking a little bit about Sir Alec Ferguson.

It's been well handled, hasn't it, the thing? Like, there was no gossip about it beforehand, really. Like, one night of gossip beforehand, and then there was the switch. Yeah. And then there was, will it be Mourinho, will it be Fergie? Not Fergie, Moyes. It's fergie that's gone on it although it would have been fun if they'd just gone for fergie from black eyed peas or toe sucking fergie that so dates me to refer to her as toe sucking there was a point when there was both fergies in the tabloids, though, wasn't there? There was toe-sucking and hairdryer Fergie.

Two different grooming Fergies. How do we think, though, with... Pedicure Fergie. David Moyes. Because they call him the Moye Sire, don't they, at Goodison? Yes. That's how revered he is. The Moye Sire?

The Moye Sire. My Scouse friend told me that. Nearly works, doesn't it? I know. It doesn't quite scan satisfyingly enough. Keep trying, Scousers. But they, I don't think there'll be any trouble. He's got his last fixture.

He'll be fine. Do you think it'll be okay? Yeah. He doesn't need an armed guard or anything. I think people know that it's one of the, there's a bit of me that's sad that he's going from Everton, but there's also a bit of me that's quite pleased that someone that has just been steady away

and not won anything has got the big job, because so often people like that then get passed over, don't they? So it's sort of nice. It's very much how I feel when I get asked to be on this show. That's nice. I worry about Fergie's shoe size, though, because they've been banging on about it. I worry about Sven-Goran Eriksson's shoe size,

four, I've been told by a stylist but anyway. Is that right? Yeah. That's what I've heard. That's easier for the person that gets the job after him because they're not big boots to fill. But with Fergie they've been banging on about how big his boots are to fill all week haven't they? What I don't like about him is that he does

always go for a zip up top with a coat over it. I've seen that. I won't tolerate that. You mean the winter coat? Absolutely intolerant of that. I think the two are entwined. I think it's the same garment. Oh, it's not.

I promise you. I'm convinced it is, because I've looked at that coat a lot and thought... And I'm not a Man United fan, but I'm a Fergie. Is there one central zip down the back? No, I think the front has... You know those coats that have got inlay, sort of woolen cardigans. I know them,

I've just never had to actually touch them. There's probably a name for them, isn't there? What's the name for them in the biz? Horrible? I quite like it. It looks cosy for the touchline. No. No? I just like the fact it looks cosy. That's such a

brilliant, it's not a word that's often associated with football. Well, Wenger's sleeping bag coat, that looks cosy as well, doesn't it? No one can touch AVB for technical area chic. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's got it going on, hasn't he? And Mourinho, maybe. Yeah. Well, he might have his hands full soon. So, yeah, we'll miss the old boy, won't we? There's now talk that Mancini might be on the way out at City as well.

And he's possibly going to be replaced with a Malaga coach, Pellegrini. Which I think is a shame, because for whatever you say about Mancini, he doesn't deserve to be replaced by a bottle of mineral water. No one does. Do you think, you see, we've gone very football in Frank's absence. I like to think people think we've tuned into talk sport. It's going to be talk sport. I like it, though, because I don't think they'll be expecting it from a lady.

No, perhaps not. Might be expected for... It's been quite nice watching the news and seeing a lot of old United players who I haven't seen in years. So I thought there was an interview with Clayton Blackmore. Yeah. And I know he's still part of the set-up at Old Trafford, but outside of MUTV, he's not going to crop up too much. And also some mischievous journalists asking them if they would take the job. So I think that was fair for Paul Lynch to have to answer.

I think we've had quite enough football, and I think I'm going to go to some ads, and then I might be talking about Liberace. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. So, boys, I had a little outing this week. Oh, my God. I know. It was an incredibly heterosexual evening.

Oh. I went to a sneak preview of the new Liberace biopic. On your outing? Is he being lined up as the new Everton manager? Yeah, I believe so. He'd be good, wouldn't he? Lots of good hair. A bit David Pleat on the hair front, maybe.

Can I just make a confession? You can. Oh, God. Brace yourselves, everyone. You know, I've said in the past that I think Wikipedia is perfect for questions that you feel too embarrassed to actually ask another human. Yes. I think I might be about to...

I should really turn to... I don't know who Liberace is. I just have no idea. Steve Hall could... It's an enormous gap in my pop knowledge, I'm sure. We're a nation in shock right now. He was... I think it would be best... I think he could be described as flamboyant.

Yes. He was a pianist of the 70s. A flamboyant pianist. Yes. Flamboyant pianist. Yes. Flamboyant pianist. Yes. Right? There's really no other way to describe him.

He used to wear... Can you try some other words? Because I'd still get really... I only knew about him in the song Sandman. There's a line in that. And lots of wavy hair like Liberace. Do you think we have to pay a bit extra for that now? Well, it's coming out of my pocket.

Frank's not going to pay that. To be honest, it was so tuneless, the way I sang it. So did he have lots of hits, like records? What do you mean, lots of hits? Like a Liam Gallagher figure, was that...? No, he was more... He was a bit more manly than Liam Gallagher. Oh, OK.

He was sort of a 70s character. Have you heard of Richard Clydeman or Claydeman? I've heard of Richard... Well, you haven't heard of anybody. This is terrible. Claydeman's a flautist, isn't he? No, he's a pianist. Anyway, I went to see this film about him,

which would have been useful for you, because you know nothing about him, but I can't reveal very much, because I had to sign one of those NDAs, those non-disclosure... NDAs? They're called NDAs, non-disclosure agreements. I used to like them. I haven't had to sign one of those NDAs, those non-disclosure... NDAs? They're called NDAs, non-disclosure agreements. I used to like them.

I haven't had to sign one of those since I dated a premiership footballer. It's an NWA joke. Very good. Oh, that's not the direction I thought you were referring to your club in days. Oh, no, no, no. Anyway, so I can't say too much about it, but it turns out he is gay. You can say that. That's the spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. I'm going to reveal he is gay, but it turns out he is gay. You can say that. That's the spoiler alert.

Spoiler alert. I'm going to reveal he is gay, Liberace. And he's played by Michael Douglas, is he? Played by Michael Douglas. His boyfriend is played by Matt Damon. Right. Yes. He's good.

One thing I will reveal is that Liberace, because I think this is out there, much like him, he made his boyfriend have surgery in order to look like him. No. Yes. Which I don't in order to look like him. No. Yes. Which I don't think is that bad an idea. Honestly, I would consider that. What's that? There were surgeons that specialised in the Dorian from Birds of a Feather facial construction.

You don't look like Dorian from Birds of a Feather. Do I not? Nigel Clough I will concur with. You've told me that before. It's funny. You could just go out with Nigel Clough and save on the surgery. That would be great. It would be a match made in heaven.

But also at this screening were Lorraine Kelly and Richard Arnold off Daybreak. So it was quite camp. It was quite a camp fest. Oh, he was on Strictly, wasn't he? He was, exactly. Isn't it wrong that I know who he is but not who Liberace is? I think it's terrible. I think you should be ashamed of yourself.

It must be tricky in the context of the film to see if Michael Douglas' character is wanting Matt Damon to make Matt Damon look more like Michael Douglas. And now Michael Douglas, as he gets older, looks quite a lot like Zelda from Terrorhalls. Very much so, yeah. That's so cruel, but true. But what I did discover during this film,

I sat on, it was a very posh screening room, and it was on a red leather sort of banquette sofa. And I'm very particular about my seating arrangements when I watch a movie at home. Oh, this was uncomfortable. This was so... I could get no purchase. It was a sloping sofa and my legs were splayed out like i was on an operating table it was so uncomfortable so that

actually ruined the enjoyment of the movie for me i had a terrible backache afterwards was it slipping off territory was it one of those leather sofas where you feel very slidey and more sort of i don't think i was actually working out when I felt less comfortable. And I think when I had to spend two and a half hours making small talk with Salman Rushdie during his fatwa, that's the only time I felt as uncomfortable. But I realised at home, I know, I never elaborate on it. I think you say it best when you say nothing at all when it comes to Salman. I think you say it best when you say nothing at all when it comes to Salmon. Can I just say you're the only person I know who's been chatted up by Dennis Rodman and had a meal with Salmon Rush Dijon in his fat whore.

They're two pretty big stories. But are you guys quite particular about how you sit when you watch a film? Yeah, you need the footstool in a certain place, don't you? Like if you've got a footstool. You need your bits, don't you? You need your bits that you like in the places you like them. Yes, absolutely.

You have to be tolerant. That's the thing. My wife complains a lot so I have to take one for the team because the wife likes to lean on me if we're watching a film. OK, we're going to hear more about Steve's wife leaning on him in a minute. Frank? Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. him in a minute frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio this is emily dean i'm in for frank skinner on absolute radio this morning i'm with alan cochran and steve hall and i've just discovered a button on frank's little setup here which says kill it's a big black button and i nearly pressed it earlier and the producer looked alarmed what happens if I press that Daisy? I have no idea should we try it? Frank had it installed after the Sony nominations came out with great power comes great responsibility I think we should bear that in mind

is that for the judges? maybe less said about that the better we were discussing sitting and watching films and you like to get cosy. Well, don't make me sound like some filthy creep. I didn't mean you, I meant one. One likes to get cosy when staying at home.

I haven't watched a film at home for ages, but when I do, I like to get the cushions right and all that stuff. My wife watches films with a slanket that she puts over our legs. She does not. She does, yeah. She gets the blanket out, or the slanket that she puts over our legs. She does not. She does, yeah. She gets the blanket out or the slanket. She has a slanket. What colour is it?

It's like a... The producer looks like she's vomiting into the bin as a result of this revelation. Yeah. I mean, if I could... Do you have matching slankets? No. Because I want your walking, if that's true.

You're out of the studio. How big is a slanket? Does it cover two pairs of legs? It's like a full-length blanket. Yeah, she tries to put it over both her legs, but I try to stick my feet out of it. That must cook up at the end of a... Yeah, yeah.

If you had a nice meal together. Well, it depends, really. It depends on my flatulence, but it can get toasty in there, yeah. It really can. Oh, my God. It's like when people cook fish in one of those bags. Oh, it's got crawl.

If you were watching, say, Silence of the Lambs, just waft it out the first time you see the people stuck down the well. I like all your food-based films. Proper smell edition. Now, I don't like this ad. That's my worst. Imagine the BFM. I bet he's got a slang kit or two on him. Well, it's made of his own all. That's my worst. Imagine the BFM. I bet he's got a slanket or two on him.

Well, it's made of his own skin. He is a slanket. A nappy would be good, wouldn't it? A nappy for watching the telly. A nappy, darling. Yeah, just sit there in a nappy. What on earth do you mean? A nappy.

Just pop on your film nappy and then you know that you don't have to press pause. What to say if you happen to go to the toilet? Just sit and watch the whole thing. You could get through all of, like, Skyfall, that I still haven't seen, but I understand it pretty well. Sitting there in a nappy. In your nappy, yeah. This could be a brilliant idea.

Maybe ten a lady are going to suddenly branch into Odeon's and Cineworld's for the length of the nation. I mean, I've often advocated the nappy for long drives, but nobody's started making this product. There was that woman who drove across America wearing a nappy. That's right, yeah. The astronaut. Well, the cockerel does have his belt on driver setting, There was that woman who drove across America wearing a nappy. That's right, yeah. Well, the cockerel does have his belt on driver's setting,

and now I'm starting to understand why. I do. I like to loosen it off a notch for driving, and then I have it on stand-up as well. Do you know what I do? When I watch a movie, I've got a real set-up, guys. I can't be disturbed, either. Slanket, nappy. Oh, no, slankets are involved.

Jalapenos. There's three cushions behind my back. Lumber. Lumber support. Yeah, for purchase. Exactly. Lumber support. One is a dog cushion. I have a fox cushion.

It's all very Dr. Dolittle around my way. All the animals are on your back. There's a menagerie behind my back. What's the third one? A dog and a fox? Well, it's disappointing. It's a neutral sand tone. But, you know.

You can't have everything. No, exactly. Two's a story, three's a crowd. I don't know what that means. I've just made it up. I like it. I put my feet out on, I love putting my feet on my poof.

I always have to have them on the poof. I believe Michael Douglas is the same and then over that instead of a slanket I have a promotional blanket given to me by Champagne Brown when I went to Wimbledon once

I know you'll approve of that because guess how many pounds it cost? zero pounds working in your world I have the blanket over me. On top of that, I'm not done yet. Nothing's going on there. Nothing. I'll tell you what's going on there.

This is like Buckaroo or something. I have a specialist tray, laptop tray, which I bought. I've got it in my cellar. I bought it on the internet. It goes over my lap and on it is my beverage and my snacks. Nice. For the movie. You're like the Sir Ranulph Fiennes

of cinema watching. The kit you have to assemble. If someone knocks at the door, I've had it. If someone knocks at the door, just you can't answer it. It'd take about 20 minutes to get out of under all that, wouldn't you? Yeah.

Surely you'd just leave it. Nobody answers their door london anyway do they well this is true someone needs to pizza delivery and obviously i can't eat carbohydrates but yeah so i i love my little setup but i'd like to know if any of our readers as frank rather affectionately calls our listeners due to mistake once which is now caught on um what's your kind of movie watching setup where your bits and bobs that you like around you when you're watching a movie? Where are your bits and bobs while you watch a movie? That's today's texting.

That's today's texting. Thanks. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello, boys. That's my catchphrase. Hello, boys. Flying out for size, what do you think? From Eva Herzogover. Yeah, it's quite post-feminist, I'll be honest.

I think it's fine. Good. We're all knowing, aren't we? We're all, what do you call them? You-serers? Yeah, we're that. We mentioned earlier on the touchline chic of AVB, and we've had a text from 760 saying,

if you want Touchline Chic, see Paul Tisdales of Exeter City. He wears a cravat. Oh, does he indeed? See, that is a great, not very absolute radio texting. Which football manager wears a cravat? Who's got Touchline Chic that you support? Rock and roll football.

I always like a cravat in the technical area. I've heard. It's written on a toilet wall somewhere. Steve Hall, you've had your nose buried in a paper this morning. I have. Well, we've talked about Liberace, a beloved showbiz figure. I like to think it's what Frank would have

wanted as well. He likes a bit of the Campery. He does, yeah. And another beloved showbiz figure has been in the news uh helen mirren i don't know if you saw this i don't know if you saw the oh the game yes dame helen mirren the extremely shaky uh camera footage of her berating uh these drummers outside where she was performing as her majesty the queen i've seen that footage but it's not conclusively her what helen mirren's playing the, whoa, whoa. Helen Mirren's playing the Queen? What's going on?

Helen Mirren is in a play called The Audience, which I've seen. Have you? I have. I saw it in preview. And it was with Robert Hardy playing Winston Churchill, but I think he dropped out. Did he? He's very impressive. He's about 88 when he was playing Winston Churchill. That's a fair enough excuse, to be honest.

Why does she always play the Queen, though? She's turning into a bit like Mike Yartwood, where that's just a repertoire of, like, 70s impressions. She also does Prince Charles and David Bellamy. She's the Mike Yartwood of royalty. That's what she's got on her cards, on her business cards. So she had a bit of a cob on, didn't she? She was very angry, and it was officially reported

that she'd politely asked them to desist from their drumming, and then it turned out that she'd actually turned the air blue, turned the air royal blue, if you will. Which is, I mean, she shouldn't be surprised. The sound of loud banging in Soho should be no surprise to her. Oh, Steve, you're so... There's a lot of drummers, that's all I'm saying. A lot of roadworks, yes.

She apparently said, Quiet, I'm trying to do a play in here Which is something I used to say To my parents on a regular basis Also there's something about People in costume Who are not being the character It's just funny Like when you see somebody dressed as Noddy

Going and buying cigarettes And a bottle of pop or something like if you if you've done any performing you've seen this happen and it always makes me chuckle a little bit yeah i know somebody that did a theater tour with noddy uh and he went to buy pile cream during the mat and in between the matinee and the binge i'd love to have seen this play with noddy yeah but also people must have thought it was the actual queen running out to remonstrate with him yeah just down the road booking a palace just look at it it looks like a really confusing changing of the guard there's drummers it's some

ceremonial thing yeah surely the queen's used to drumming all the time like the real queen would be i was gonna say come on trooping of the color pot and kettle i'm sorry she can't use that excuse there's a lot of noise coming up her gap but you know what i like best about this story is being a child of actors which i often talk about on this show i like that actors don't sort of get angry like normal people so they so what happens is that they storm out anyway it's that kind of thing where she left the theater she came and then she just walked back and i think that's the normal response for an argument because you you guys you probably have an argument and you just stay in the room don't you whereas we argue like actors we used to say when my mom would shout at us we'd go end of act

two when she'd walk out the room that never went down very well exit chased by a bear yeah i always think there should be stage directions at the end of a route. I think someone has to leave or it's not a route. You have an exit line and a flounce. Oh, is that? Do you not have an exit line? No. Don't you? I just say something and then just stare like a really dour face.

That'd be me. I'd still be staring at those drummers now. I'd just be going... I'm impressed the way she handled it, but the the best uh handling of a disruption during a play in new york paul rudd the the excellent comedy actor yeah yeah he was in a play on broadway uh and a member of the audience was taken ill in the balcony they uh they lost their their lunch over the balcony onto the stalls below

and he carried on and apparently it was an excellent performance, despite the fact that half the stalls had been dispersed. Oh, dear. I like the sound of that. You see, that's the thing about that, because you can't live with them. You can't live with them. Can I say, we are raring a little bit about the temperature in here. Yeah, I like it colder.

But I've got a natural austerity, according to my wife. You like it tundra temperature. Yeah. And I like it nice and toasty. We could never share a duvet. It's for the best, really. Get a slanket. I'm not being sucked into your slanket world.

Get a slanket and then we'll talk. We've had a text from Ian Angale, who's a regular punner Is he one of my regulars? He's one of the regulars And on the story about Helen Mirren Telling the drummers off She should have confiscated their hi-hat

And kept it as a status symbol Symbol, see what he's done Oh he's done a little pun I like that It did occur to me that when she was telling the drummers off It's dangerous territory because she could have got some right stick. Oh. Right stick.

Nice. Again, it's what Frank would have wanted. He'd be very happy. Frank, if you're listening, we're still punning. Confusing text. Well done, Alan, on getting the fourth plinth gig in Trafalgar Square. I don't know if that's someone saying there's nothing on the fourth plinth and I'm boring.

I bet that's what that is. I haven't even checked, but I'll bet that's what that is. Or it could just be that there is a statue that looks like me. I don't know. Anyway. You know what I think it's time for? I think it's time for a little wander into our favourite place. Email Corner Oh, I love hearing his little voice.

OK, who's got emails for me? I do, I always miss him. We've got an email from Tom Lavender in Sunderland. I like the sound of Tom Lavender. Do you think he's married simply for appearances? I do hope so. I'd like to be Mrs Lavender. Sorry, as you were.

Mrs Lavender. It's a nice, sort of classy elder lady. So save it. How dare you? Save it until you're in your 50s or 60s. Yeah. Which is at least 30 years away. Thank you.

Very good. He writes, Tom Lavender writes, Dear Frank and the gang, Regarding last week's show and the mention of humorous autobiography names, I thought I'd share one that particularly amused me. I discovered the other day that the autobiography of rock bassist Gene Simmons is entitled Kiss and Makeup. That's great.

Two puns in one. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. That's excellent work. Yes, I'm very impressed by that. I'm a friend of Dionna Ware, Kiss, Performing, Makeup. So it's, you know, it's... I like your deconstruction of the title there. I feel like

I didn't know who Liberace was, so I need to just play to the people that are as ignorant as me. Yeah, but absolutely, they're going to be familiar with the output of kiss. Are you familiar with Keith Chegwin's autobiography? Do you know, this may have been discussed previously, Keith Chegwin, you were saying that he, because he was

quite honest about his drinking problems and so that he had wanted to call his autobiography Cheggers Can't Be Boozers. Yeah, but he has definitely been honest about his drinking problems. I've seen him in an interview say it. He may have co-opted someone else's joke as he has wanted to.

I'm glad he didn't go for that. You know, I always say on this show, my favourite autobiography title was Ian Botham, Don't Tell Kath. That's good. Kath was the name of his wife. I'm quite fond of Mike Catt, the former England rugby player. Mike Catt called his autobiography Landing On My Feet. Nice. Oh, that's good.

That is good. He didn't go for The Nine Lives then. That would have been more of an obvious option. he might have had coughing up a furball if you thought of one for yourself what about the hallway nice this is how you did your life the hallway and you could have uh dean there done that i love that but what am i going to do with Hidden Shallows then? I'm waiting for that. Hidden Shallows? Yes. That's nice. I've also got Premiers and Premier League players.

But that might just be a chapter. So all the possible titles you could just make into chapter titles. Well also that chapter's currently with my lawyers so we'll see how that one pans out. Apparently they're inj junctions now. A little bit of a blow to me.

We have another email. Hi, Frank. Sorry for the interruption. Well, not to Frank, but yes. This is slightly odd that we're doing this when Frank isn't here. I have a number plate, W8ROM, so it looks like WB West Brom, which I acquired a few years ago. I'm in the process of selling this and wondered if you would

be at all interested. If so, please let me know. Many thanks, Adam. We'll put it to him, Adam, but I suspect not. It's just my guess because I would imagine that Frank sees people with private number plates the same way he sees people who smoke cigars.

Also, I think that's reaching a bit. W8ROM. That sounds like a rom-com director who lives in West 8th. That would be good for them, but it's not good for a West Brom fan. W8 is weight, so it's like weight rom. That's how I read it.

Terry Waite could have that. Have you had a partner beginning with the name Rom? I don't know if he's still with us. It sounds like Remus has said to his brother Romulus, shall we found Rome yet? Hey, no, Waite Rom. Where's Rom?

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. You're listening to Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank this morning. I'm joined by Steve Hall and Alan Cochran. You can text us in on 81215 or you can follow us on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. I've done all my housekeeping. I love it.

I feel like I've Febreze'd the whole apartment. Well, it's funny you should mention Febreze, because during that song, there was photographs happening of your T-shirt. Which, can I say, is a rather fine T-shirt. It is a fine T-shirt. And it began a conversation where we all began talking about our T-shirts. And I did think, oh, my goodness, are we going to end up with the next text in being,

what's the most you've ever paid for a T-shirt? That would be a bit of fun. I don't want to discuss what I paid for my T-shirt. You know, also, Daisy, the producer, she she's made an extraordinary i don't know what to call it really but it's called parking well that's what readers text us in if you've heard of park if you've had parking which sounds like a disease typically don't they have it bonfire yeah yeah it's an affliction it's not a cake i can't eat that it's nice she made it and she actually said to me i don't think you'll like it.

It's very gingery. It is very gingery. And it's nice. Extremely gingery, which is ironic. It's all right. Give me that parkin' now. There was once a children's BBC presenter called Simon Parkin who was very ginger.

Is that right? Oh, it's very beady, isn't it? I don't think you should taste this on air. There's beads in it. Do you not think so? I'm going to taste it. It's quite earthy. Some people hate hearing food being eaten on the radio okay

well you know i'm sorry bad morning for them tough luck for them are you gonna try it now okay i'm gonna try it now let's see this is great radio i think it might be this is especially if you don't like ginger and cake i think this could be about the dean is eating the parkin. Sony judges. She has a single solitary morsel in her hand. She tastes. Oh, my God. It has not gone well. The North-South divide is underlined. Well, that's answered one question, anyway.

She's about to potentially gag all over her new T-shirt. I've got parkin in my hand. Never thought I'd say that. Ow. Very, very honestly. I need you to talk talk because my tongue seems to have gone numb with disgust i can uh prove that ladies are bad at parking oh very good oh i love your 1970s material it's not misogyny it's wordplay that's what that was it sounded like the former but it was very much the latter and well done um i i as you know i have a frequent

paranoia that i'm um incredibly dull and boring and i also think i i play by the rules a bit too much um and this week has proven it i actually phoned my car insurers because when i do i love this story as frank skinner would say when uh when, I know, it's so dull. When I took out the insurance, they said on the phone, how many miles do you think you'll drive in the year? And I said, about 10,000. And then they sent a letter. I think about 10,000 is the answer. They sent a letter that I had forgotten in the print.

It actually says in bold, not more than, like, you know, shouty like people on the Daily Mail forum comments. Oh, yes. Got caps lock on. And it says, not more than like you know shouty like people on the daily mail forum comments oh yes got caps lock on um and it says not more than i thought oh my i'm gonna go over that but it expires in july right so i was thinking maybe i should just let it go over let it slide phone them up oh sorry sorry the parkings were turning on me then i started having morbid fantasies like oh what if my car got stolen they said oh we're not insured anymore because you'd gone over your £10,000. And so I phoned them up and said, I'm being honest here. Is that how you started the conversation? Like, it was a break-up?

Look, I'm being honest with you. I'm a football manager, I've got to be honest. At the end of the day, I'm going to go over my £10,000. But I went for honesty, literally honesty was the best policy, if you'll forgive the insurance pun. And it was like an extra £40 or something. But I just wondered how honest people were. Do you think that's too honest? Have I gone

above and beyond the call of duty? You've been stung by insurance issues before. God, I hate them. If there's any insurers listening, just, I hate you. I want you to know that. You work in a revolting world. That's both our listeners gone then. Thank you. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Emily Dean in. No, I'm doing my bit. I like doing it. Okay, you do your bit. This is Emily Dean in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That didn't sound very professional. He threw me. We've had a text

from Joe saying, duh, course heard of Parkin, treacly cake of flapjack-like. Yeah, it is. Joe, I have to say, I've still got Parkin in my teeth, and it's absolutely despicable. Parkin is from Berry and Lank's ginger cake, yeah.

Who would have thought that at the start of the show we'd end up with a parking text I described the taste as almost astringent Yeah It's not for people that don't like ginger No But it's better than that strychnine cake That Sara the Poisoner made me the other week I wasn't a big fan of that I have to say

We were talking earlier about dishonesty on Absolute Radio. More about my honesty compulsion. It's partly my fundamental laziness. You know that thing that people say that liars need to have good memories? I just think, oh, what's the point in that? That's what they say about liars. I've got a brilliant memory. Oh, really? Are you good at the lying?

I'm very Hitler. Lie big. Lie big. I'm very Hitler. You actually love that parking Really, what do you lie about? Like big things I lied, I'll tell you a couple of lies I've told this week I lied to, is he the controller of Absolute Radio Daisy, Tony?

I lied to Tony He doesn't know this, if you're listening Tony, I'm sorry But he caught me unawares And he asked me if I'd called the producer He said, have this. If you're listening, Tony, I'm sorry. But he caught me unawares. And he asked me if I'd called the producer. He said, have you spoken? And I went, yeah. Yeah, we had a great conversation. No, I hadn't.

I'd emailed, but I just felt I wanted to please him. So I lied. I do it all the time. But I have to say, working for Frank, I know he's not here with us today, but I'd say I've got sort of, I'd say my honesty's increased by about 54% since I've been working for Frank. By about?

Yeah, I'm going to go 54% because he's so, he's brutally frank. He is. And he's the most honest person I know. And I do find that quite inspiring in a strange way. It forces me to want to tell the truth more. But then it gets you in all sorts of trouble. Sometimes it's easier to lie, isn't it? Well, it's always fascinating that there are liars at school.

And if you meet a compulsive liar at school and they get found out at school, that's part of school days. But then every now and then, you'll encounter a compulsive liar who has retained it into adulthood. Yeah, yeah. And there's a bloke I know, for example,

who once claimed that wesley snipes had left him a voicemail and he really stuck to it and because he went no no i've deleted i've deleted it and he was saying that wesley something kind of gone hey uh you know i hear you're acting and uh i thought you know you might want to just hang out we could hook up like work on a few projects together. I love the Wesley Snipes voicemail gate. And he's at a point where the fellow was 32 years old. It's quite difficult to say to a 32-year-old man,

I don't think Wesley Snipes did leave you a voicemail. Yeah, that's... That, in fact, that little bit of acute embarrassment of saying to an adult, this isn't true, is how they trade yeah yeah for a whole life of adults lying yeah yeah yeah there's a guy in manchester that claims that uh when kylie minogue's in town she phones him up for a night out no not true i could just lie but there was a girl i know what you mean about the school liar forever they're known as the school liar even as adults there was a girl who used to lie all the time and she said oh yeah i said i used to live in australia she went i did too i said where did

you live she went side knee i don't believe i don't believe you wouldn't know how to pronounce it yeah the danger is because i'm a compulsive we should say by the way steve if any of our readers um have got examples of when they think it's okay to be a little dishonest what they've lied about. They could text us in on 81215. Let's hear your lies. Excellent. Because I'm compulsively truthful and it means on those few occasions where I do tell a lie

it makes me feel just absolutely awful and there is one significant, and all the time I've known the cockerel there's one significant lie that I've ever told you. What is it? Oh, my God, brace yourself, everyone. Sorry, that was the producer that you heard coughing slash laughing there.

Working in radio, coughing. Yeah. I was looking at the mics up. We were talking about lies on Absolute Radio. Well, actually, I was trying to talk about honesty, because I have this honesty compulsion. Yeah, and we did. We did the old switcheroo.

And my lies are small. I nearly fibbed to my wife recently that I hadn't lost some headphones in a hotel because she bought me some noise-cancelling headphones. I lost them last year. Why did you have noise-cancelling headphones in a hotel? Who was next to you? No, nobody was next. I just had the headphones with me and then I left the hotel

and I nearly lied to my wife that I haven't lost them. But I'll tell you who did lie. The hotel said, oh, they're not there. Oh, yes, they were. I won't name the hotel. Well, no, don't, because I don't think your lawyers have got pockets big enough. Well, I haven't got lawyers. So, yeah, you're right. Who hasn't got lawyers? Come on. We've had a few texts in of lies that people have been told. At school, a friend told me that his uncle fell asleep on the M1 and ended up in Scotland.

Thinking back now, he was probably lying. Can I just say, that's the most glamorous lie I've ever heard. Also, it's nice that it's from Watford. That's quite a journey, isn't it? Watford to Scotland on the M1. Any more lies? We've had it on the Twitters. We've had, which I think is the correct way of saying that. I think it is now.

Glenn Bateman has tweeted to say, a liar at my school said he could breathe underwater for an hour and that he had regular secret deadly kung fu training. Alan still lies about that, to be fair. What is it, your jujitsu? When my son was 13 one of his friends claimed to have a secret room in his house Where he had lap dancers on call 24 hours a day Another friend claimed to have crash landed in the Atlantic on his way on holiday

And was rescued by a seaplane They both stuck to their story for years Very good 644 You see these are impressive lies, aren't they? They've got a big scale. They're lies that brighten up the world, aren't they? Whereas lies like me, driving around, having gone over my mileage on the car insurer,

I started having morbid fantasies of, oh, what if something happened, and then the insurer said, oh, no. Is that, like, is it worth telling a boring lie? That's where I felt bad. The lie that I told you was a fairly grotty one. Now, listen, we have been trailing this lie somewhat. I'm afraid we do have responsibilities on the show

and we do have to play music. But you know what? I'm going to keep trailing that lie and we're going to hear about it after this. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Have you heard any more lies from the outside world? We have. We've had Mark Connor texting. Have any more lies from the outside world? We have. We've had Mark Connor texting.

A school friend of mine told me he'd seen a Betamax pirate video copy of ET2 in 1983. Definitely a lie as the film still has not been made 30 years on. I told a similar lie once, though. I said I'd seen Life of Brian to try and impress some boys on a holiday. And I said, oh, yeah, it was like a youth group holiday i said i've seen that film and they went no you haven't how could you have seen that it's an 18 or whatever it was and i i said i thought on my feet how impressive is this how hitler is this i said my dad hired a projector and we watched it in the sitting room when you say hitler you mean lie big? Yes, yes, yeah.

Just for clarity. Yeah. I said my dad hired a projector. I thought that was quite a good way out of it. But never mind all this. This has been trailing for some time. There is apparently a lie, some terrible lie, which Alan told Steve, or Steve told Alan? No, I told Alan.

I've built this up way beyond proportion. Okay. It's not going to be that bad. Do I know it? Well, I think we this up way beyond proportion. OK. It's not going to be that bad. Do I know it? Well, I think we sort of discussed it once drunkenly a number of years ago. Can I just say, anything less shocking than some sort of reassignment surgery is not going to be good enough. We're actually twins, so I've never told you.

Because over the years, I've shared an Edinburgh flat with Alan on many occasions and how he's not smashed my face in there's a puzzle for us all but back in the days way way way back when when I was still a single man we shared an Edinburgh flat one year with a lady with a female technician

with a female technician who was taxing to live with I think it can be indeed taxing to look at if we're honest. But then so am I. I'm not blessed with charm. What if someone said that about me, that I was taxing?

Well, they wouldn't say that about you because you're delightful. I didn't think that they would say it wasn't nice to look at. My arrogance shines through. Anyway, as you were. Well, there was one night where Alan had said to me, you two were quite drunk last night. Did you get up to anything?

And I said, how very dare you, sir. The very idea, of course, I'm a gentleman of honour. I would never do such a thing. She's my Edinburgh flatmate. Above board, you don't do that on your own doorstep, etc., etc. And made Alan, dragged Alan over the coals. Can I just say, Alan, I suspect he used a category C swear word at that juncture.

I said, how dare you, sir? Have you looked at her? And Alan accepted it. Steve? And then... Frank's a feminist. Come on. It's gone really awkward. Anyway, go on. And then it was about three years later

where I was suddenly overcome with remorse and told Alan the truth of what happened that fateful night which is that we'd got up to all manner of grot I'd forgotten that I'd forgotten that you're right you must have told me when drunk

I had blotted my copy book but the shame it's been troubling me for a long time. I've got to tell you this. I still can't get past grot. Oh, dear. Oh, Steve, did you have to do it? Well, you know.

But the truth's out. I'm sorry, mate. Yeah. The truth's out. But I'm afraid... Eventually. Yeah, we have to leave these shenanigans. We've had another lying text in.

A friend at school told everyone she had a swimming pool in her garden, even though she lived on the estate as the rest of us. Believe me, no-one had a swimming pool there. That's in brackets. Years later, she was in the local paper claiming to have seen a UFO. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Goodest thing to Absolute Radio.

I'm Emily Dean and I'm in for Frank Skinner this morning. Any more lies, boys? No, I was just asking about your personal lives. Because I know what you both like. Mark has texted, don't know why, but when I was at school I told all my mates that my dad built Big Ben. Strange, but I got away with it. And Glenn has tweeted to say,

during a spate of big cat sightings in the UK, an adult man I knew said he saw a panther in the wild and punched it in the face. I love that man. It's that last bit that makes it less believable, because someone's seen... But he's obviously told that lie, and they thought this isn't impressive enough,

it needs to spike in some way. I'm going to have to label it on a bit. I like him, though. I think that's the right attitude with lying. It's still not as good as when I cried off at work at The Gap, where I was employed as a greeter, and said I had appendicitis, when actually I had my Oxford University

interview. I know somebody that left a job by saying that they were moving to Barcelona. Very good. I'll tell you what's not a lie, there's a story in the Daily Mail that apparently... Who was that Alex had that? Just a friend of mine, Mail that apparently... Who was that, Alex, who said that?

Just a friend of mine. OK. Somebody that works in radio production. Oh, OK. I thought you meant Gary Lineker for a minute. He's a producer, a radio producer, I know. Oh, OK. Lovely bit of parking.

Yeah. Apparently, and I'm interested to know your view on this, Emily Dean, musicians really are sexier. Scientists, rather than curing people of illnesses, have found that carrying a guitar increases your chance of getting a date by up to a third. They basically got an actor in France to go up and ask women out on a date. Yeah, an actor. I'm really going to find him attractive, aren't I,

with my family background. They got him to carry nothing. Then they got him to go up with a guitar, where he got a third more. And then I think they got him to go up holding a sports bag. Or maybe it was sports bag first, then guitar, and then nothing. And the guitar got the most dates.

It's all gone a bit Monopoly pieces, hasn't it? For someone with a top hat and a dog. Yeah, again, it's one of those things where you go, why are scientists doing this? But he did it and apparently carrying guitars makes you more attractive. Not being able to play them. This is how fickle we are as people. We just want to see them as accessories, affectation.

I tell you what, there's one thing that would make him more attractive. If he was carrying guitar and it had a priority tag on it saying first class then maybe that would be impressive maybe i'd consider but i worry about i don't know it's a bit loose it's a bit pete doherty isn't it yeah i mean i don't like it i think they just also if you could if you're if you're reasonably good at playing the guitar, surely if you're at that standard, it will have been sent ahead to your hotel. It should have been carried for you. Exactly.

Why are you carrying it on the lawn line? I don't like that. They did this survey just in a shopping centre. So he approached 100 people in a shopping centre, which gives it a level of creepiness. And how this can masquerade as a survey, when it's basically a bloke seeing how much he can get. I've got a really good idea for a survey.

I'll just go up and chat up women in a shopping centre. I'm going to wander around Brent Cross with a ukulele, hassling women. Those charges were never approved, and Frank is not here to defend himself. How dare you? The same article listed that it said the most sexy song a guitar player can play is more than words by extreme.

Therefore, I sneer at that survey. Oh, really? I think if I could play guitar, I'd just constantly play that riff from Layla. Oh, yes, you would. I can see you doing that. You see, this is what worries me about these guitar players. If I went on a date with one of these guitar players, he's very, oh, I've left my wallet at home, can you pay? And then he'd play you Bad Moon Rising as if that would somehow make up for it.

Leaves a guitar at home, go naked, I say. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking earlier, boys, about guitar players, or actually not guitar players, men carrying guitars as accessories, and how they were apparently perceived in a test as more attractive. Yeah.

And I begged, I beseeched to differ. Yes, and you're right to do so, I think. I think it operates in that fine line between sort of artist and homeless. It is a bit of no fixed bow, isn't it? Yeah, exactly. But when I was a student, I studied at a drama and music college, and I think a female who can play the cello

can look incredibly kind of graceful and beautiful. But if you go to college with them they often look sweaty because they're carrying a cello around all day every day and it must be a pain because it's like yin and yang they're either looking amazing and and gorgeous or they're carrying a cello up a flight of stairs it must be annoying i couldn't do that with my lower back pain no i suppose the double bass guys they must really work up a sweat. They must stink. But you see, there are certain accessories. What do you find in terms of what makes someone attractive? Because I would say a bit of a deal breaker for me is the

man bag, the Rio Ferdinand man bag. Like or dislike? A heavy dislike? Oh, dislike? Oh, really? Well, I always wonder what they have in there. It's a big wallet. I think they just have injunction papers pre-written, ready to hand out. What, the ones with no straps or handles? Yes, exactly. Just like a slim, like, weird... The clutch. We'll just call it a clutch in the trade.

Yeah, we'll just call it a clutch. Yeah. Because that's what it's called. And he brought one. Yeah. You hate them. I don't like them on a man. I love them on a lady.

Uh-huh. One of the least attractive things, because obviously a musician carrying a guitar can look it's a classy accessory or as a comedian did your tummy rumble again yes yes what's going on with you eat some parking working as a comic if you're carrying your notebook if you're if you're doing your notes if you're going through your set list on a train and someone looks over sometimes in the comedian's imagination someone might look and go oh you're writing a comedy show, that's great, you're so interesting. But of course, the average comedian's notebook

looks like the scribblings of a profoundly mentally ill human being. It does when they're dating me. And so it's not. So what I'd always imagine might be a nice accessory is usually you get people actively moving away. Yes. I'll tell you what I do find attractive this may be slightly weird is that some women can look really attractive when they've got slightly overlapping teeth you know i love the way you looked around the room for recognition as if we'd all go yes and we all looked a bit aghast you know just there's a certain... Are you talking about...

A sort of snaggle tooth. A certain type of overlap that I find attractive and then there's crooked teeth that I don't, but it's weird, isn't it? That's a fine line they're going to walk down. Exactly. People have got no control over this. It is a fine line.

That's exactly what the dentist said, in fact. This is Frank Skinner absolute radio this is the frank skinner show on absolute radio i'm emily dean and i'm standing in for frank this morning because he's been called away to act as a temporary caretaker manager at goodison park we wish him well good luck everyone fingers crossed i'm joined this morning by ste Hall and Alan the Cockerel. Cochran. I like inserting your moniker into your name like that. It's good. You can text us on 81215

or you can follow us on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. On the subject of the cockerel, as my nickname is on this show for some reason, it's been brought to my attention that the fourth plinth in trafalgar square is about to have a 14 foot blue cockerel put on top of it so it wasn't someone's talking about tottenham hotspur what about other clubs are available yes true enough um so that's that okay that's one of my favorite stories you've ever told and you ended it with your mom's catchphrase

which is so that's that so that's that. So that's that. Indeed. What shall we do, boys? I'm feeling a bit fluid this morning. We could go over to email corner. Yeah, let's do that. Do you fancy that? Oh, I've got to find the jingle, Daisy.

Shall I play the jingle? We can just say it. Let's sing it. Let's sing it. Okay, one, two, three. Email corner. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I went for a deep baritone there myself uh dear frank goodbye to the few listeners we had dear frank emily and the cockerel i've just boarded my train to work happily

listening to the podcast and giggling quietly to myself i sat down and gradually became aware of unusual attention sorry i love their music sorry commuters don't generally look up or make eye contact. So why was everyone looking at me? Gradually I realised that the sound on my MP3 was more echoey than usual. My headphones weren't properly connected and I'd been inadvertently broadcasting Frank's Gershwin gag to the 856 to Waterloo. We should say this was Frank, was this last week?

It was him retelling a failed gag, wasn't it? No, but what he does, he also did a yawn, and it was to the soundtrack of kind of Forgy and Bess, I think it was. It would be nice if the joke went down better in that train carriage. I wonder if it did. I muttered sorry and kept my eyes firmly on my feet for the rest of the journey i know somebody that uh went to work and somebody at the opposite desk was listening to music but with their headphone not plugged in properly and not noticing for the whole

day i had do you know i had my i've got this is a lie i told the other day oh it's a lie slash headphones email hybrid. So I think you'll agree it's rather perfect with this slot. I was listening to something. You know when you pull your headphones out of the iPhone and then the music suddenly goes on? It was a blast. And I don't know why it was on shuffle,

but I think it was like a thong song, which I didn't even know I had on my iPhone. Perfect. I must have been, I think it was a drunk purchase one night. And took me back to one emperor. On a drunk purchase. I think I did. So I lied and this friend of mine went, what's that?

I said, oh, it's Mimi, my niece. She's always sending me silly links. Very good. Isn't that, I'm so sorry, Mimi. You would never listen to that. You were to immediately stop boggling. Yeah, exactly. The email continues with a PS.

PS, surprised to see Derek Okora has started a boxing career. Do you think the spirits advised him to fight Deontay Wilder? Well, I think you're getting your Chizoras and your Okoras modelled up here. Ah, very good. And your Kioras. Sarah Stewart, that was, by the way. We don't want Derek Okora trying to contact the Wail the Spirits. No.

In the box, that would end in tears. Derek Chisora and Derek Okora. Is that what it is? That's it. It feels like it's something an actor would say as their vocal warm-up. Derek Okora and Derek Chisora. They could be like the Chuckle Brothers. Oh, I'd love that, if they started an act together.

I think Chisora might have a slightly more tough love approach to the world of spirits. Maybe. Don't you think? He did a lot of shadow boxing. Very good. Nice. Very nice.

A joke from the lady there. Didn't we have some other news from the spirit world, Steve, this week? From the spirit world, the young lady Miley Cyrus. I've given her a noble title there lady miley cyrus sounded like a master of ceremonies at buckingham palace she's convinced she was staying in an apartment near harrods and convinced that her family saw a ghost and she said i could i could have sworn i saw a little boy uh kicking his feet and the ghost also apparently turned her sister's water to scalding in the shower wow that's time well spent for the ghost isn't it scalding in the shower do you think maybe somebody on a different

floor flushed the toilet that's what happens the water went hot i think the whole country is haunted. Maybe Billy Ray, the dad, because I was a big fan of his. He was some party at the back, business at the front hairdo, wasn't he? And he, what if he was washing his smalls in his sink elsewhere, you see? Could have been. And Harrods isn't the first shop to have a problem with ghosts, is it? Primark's definitely got poltergeists on it. Go in, they've just chucked everything everywhere. There's people sweeping in there.

Sweeping clothes. It's because of the poltergeists. Do you believe in ghosts? No. That's all right, then. Tune in next week. I love that discussion about ghosts. Can I just say, though, what I like about that ghost

is that I love a ghost near Harrods. You do get a better class of ghost in the SW1 area, I find, don't you? I would just say, though, what I like about that ghost is that I love a ghost near Harrods. You do get a better class of ghost in the SW1 area, I find, don't you? Egyptian white cotton. Yvette Fielding not allowed anywhere near them. I've got a correction to bring to you. Is it to do with the way you pronounce corrections? No, we've done that. That's old news, but I'll try and work past it.

Nugget has said, sorry to be a pedant, Miss Emily, Frank yawned to Rhapsody in Blue, not Paul being best. You have reason. Sorry, I say that because that's how you literally conjugate it in French. What is? You have reason. Instead of you're right. Sorry.

Tu as raison. Exactly, Steve! Do you not speak French at all? Not. Oh my. I was going to say a category C swear word in French then, but I'm not going to. Oh, okay. So can I just apologise for that profusely? And I know Frank will be listening at home. Well, he won't,

because he'll be at Goodison Park as we speak. I'm very sorry for that. I stand crackeded. Crackeded? Yes. See, I think that sounds fine. As the corporal would say. We also had a text. Big kiss to the DJ. That's me. Who said he loves a slightly overlapped tooth.

I have this and was having an ugly day, but you've made me feel better. That's rubbery. Oh, that's lovely. I'm a genuine ray of sunshine. That reminds me of your... It surprises me as well, but turns out I am brightening up people's days. I know, but surely. Fran in Liverpool agrees with you, saying he's right.

You know, the sexiest woman in the world, Jewel Kilcher, has a snaggle tooth. I'm going to have to Google... Who's Jewel Kilcher? has a snaggle tooth. I'm going to have to Google. Who's Jewel Kilcher? Oh, don't stop Googling. Do that in your spare time. She's a very airy, fairy singer who kind of like talks about, this new album's kind of inspired by ice and fire and I wrote it in a little coffee shop in Alaska. She has a book of poetry, Jewel,

that is one of the most nauseating things I've ever seen. Does she? But she is undeniably pretty. Was she in that flat in Edinburgh with you that time? Because you sound like you haven't quite let it go. Did you get up to grot with her? I'm sorry. It sounds worse you saying it for some reason.

Sounds worse you doing it. We were innocently talking about ghosts here. And can I tell you... Now the spectre of Steve's past is... LAUGHTER Can I tell you what I find extraordinary about ghosts? Yes. Is that they've got a lot of time on their hands, in fairness.

They do. They don't have a lot on. They could have hobbies, when you think about it. Exactly! All they do is wander up and downstairs and move things around. Yeah. Destructively. If you're going to move things around, can you not put things away?

Clean the house. I'd do that. Do me a nice favour. A poltergeist that tidied up would be excellent. I'd love that. The money you'd save on the cleaner. Well, they do do the same job as a cleaner. They wander up and downstairs and just move things around in a bad place.

Occasionally breaks. Yeah, place. Occasionally breaks. Occasionally. You might be a poltergeist, but remember you're also a poltergeist. Oh, yeah. That's a good mantra. For the undead. But they could tidy up. They could do

odd jobs. They need to get out more. There's a whole world out there. I don't know if they can do that. Join a youth group, lovey. Do you want to tell the undead to get out more. There's a whole world out there. I don't know if they can do that. Join a youth group, lovey. Tell the undead to get a life. That's the exact thing they like. It's often people who say they've seen ghosts often, there's a certain type, like people who

believe in conspiracy theories. Yes. There's a certain type of person that believes in a conspiracy. Are you saying they're people that like astrology? Because I think they do tend to be sometimes. Yeah. Would you not agree with that? But Miley Cyrus said there was a little boy watching her when she was having a shower. Yeah, that was a little strange, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was like some cockney urchin just perched on the windowsill having a look. Yeah. Weird. She said it was... She said... I like what she said about it. She said it was seriously so terrifying.

And she said afterwards, which I also found really strange, was that he was kicking his feet up and down and that the windows had been opened. Yeah. Which I found, firstly, I thought, well, I think if he was kicking his feet up and down, I think that might have been a Justin Bieber because he does get into hotel rooms.

Yeah. He likes hotel rooms, Justin. And the windows could just be open because somebody had used the bathroom before, not for a shower, if you know what I mean. Oh, and did a Fonzie, you might want to leave it a minute. Someone had had an achy, breaky heart. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Alan, I was going to call you Owl Dog there. You can call me Owl. Is that a nice nickname? Owl Dog, I'm not sure. I mean, I'm already lumbered you Owl Dog there. You can call me Owl. Is that a nice nickname? Owl Dog, I'm not sure. I'm already lumbered with the cockerel on. OK. Let's not widen it too much.

We got Cock-a-leeky, didn't we? Yes, we did, and you didn't like that. DJ Allo. DJ Allo I was fine with. I had that, you know, on my desk. Have we heard from our readers? We have. We've had, in fact, we never asked for any um have you actually

encountered any ghosts but we've had a text i have an email in my inbox on my iphone dated 0101 1970 there is no message no sender and the email cannot be accessed yet it is there in the inbox very otherworldly i love that email and it says it says Curiouser and Curiouser, and that's from Alice. No, it's not. That's a little Alice in Wonderland. Oh, I love your material. I wish it were. And we've also had Hi Emily and gang, keep up the good

work. Frank will be proud. Our Keith. Our Keith has texted the show. Do you know, that's made me so happy. Our Keith, I'm so happy to hear from you, and you know, we send you lots of love. Because he's more than a friend of the show. He's a relative of the show. Do you know, that's made me so happy. Oh, Keith, I'm so happy to hear from you. And, you know, we send you lots of love. Because he's more than a friend of the show. He's a relative of the show.

He's an actual relative. For those that are not aware, that's Frank's brother. Yeah. Just, you know, I like to welcome new listeners. Widen it out. Steve, you've had a bit of a mare on the food front recently. I have. I've been very lucky.

You live in London, get to eat some fabulous food, get to travel the world with a wife, Australian wife. Speak for yourself. Get to eat some fabulous meals in Australia. So every now and then, the balance of life has to restore itself, and you have to have one meal that is so pulsatingly bad that it makes you appreciate all other food. I don't know about you, but pulsating's worrying me.

Yeah, exactly. Well, it's pulsating in that that was how undercooked other food. I don't know about you, but pulsating's worrying me. Yeah, exactly. I don't know why. It's pulsating in that that was how undercooked it was. Oh, no. Oh. It was a small... So where can we set the scene? A small restaurant near the Royal Free Hospital.

Let's not name it. I won't name it. Name it. No, don't. No. I'm not kidding. I have already named it on TripAdvisor. Have you actually?

I have indeed. Oh, Steve, you're so Trip so trip advisor absolutely furious review i left did you what did you say i'd love to see steve's trip advisor review well the main issue i mean there were many issues the undercooked nature of the food being one the fact that i left most of my lasagna because i'm classy undercooked lasagna undercooked lasagna when i pointed it out to the chef, when the waiter said, he sort of questioned why I'd barely touched it. And I said, oh, it's really undercooked.

And he went, no, it's not. No. Which is a challenging thing to do. But there was also, they had the front sort of window was kind of pulled down. It was like a partition. The front window was pulled down? There's like an alfresco bit.

Oh, okay. But with the frontis bit bit the frontis piece of the shop open and so people could smoke outside but then as a result all their smoke was then blowing into the restaurant do you know what they sound like guitar players to me those smokers yeah probably as we left the restaurant it then emerged uh because he he bid farewell, that holding court at the most smoky of the smoking tables was the owner of the restaurant. Who'd been directly contributing to the... He's become your sort of arch nemesis, this man. It was just one of those things, we'd passed it on, and we thought, well, let's try it on the off chance. Did you have a starter? Was it just the lasagne that was probably... The starter was acceptable but

i'm literally quoting from my trip yes but um my name on the trip advisor review no we've used is it something like furious of top because i use my ebay username is functional human which i've had compliments for on ebay i think i've complimented you for it in life indeed but i think i've i think I've masked my identity. With a bit of deep Googling, we can find this. Yes. I also got my main 20 minutes before my wife did. Oh, that's annoying.

You got your main? It was all me. At the end of the day, I was still too polite to actually properly complain. That is not good. And I paid the tip. I paid the service charge. Did you tip? Well, they'd automatically included the service charge.

But I felt like there's a bit in your stand-up where you've referred to the tax that life can sometimes levy on you. Yeah, we call it twit tax. Indeed, no. I felt like that was one such moment. It was kind of, you know, I'd been hubristic before life and I'd had some lovely meals so this is what no so you but it was a very what you did was get your revenge

afterwards and i like that in you you didn't say it to their face but you've besmirched their name on uh on internet and actually this has been very therapeutic thanks guys see that's a bugbear of mine that the two meals came out at a different time I think that this is going to sound contrary But the best bad meal you can get Is where there's a massive delay on the food The starters and the mains And so you just drink loads and loads of wine

Before your meal arrives And then you're drunk so you don't realise how bad the meal is That's the best worst case scenario Dutch courage I've had that version of bad meals several times bad the meal is. That's the best worst case scenario. Dutch courage. I mean, I've had that version of bad meals several times and quite enjoyed it, weirdly. Can I wander perhaps into the arena of unwise honesty? I sometimes order food I don't like because then I know I might eat a bit less. I might eat a bit less.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. We're talking about disgusting meals on Absolute Radio this morning. It turns out Steve Hall had a mare last week with a rogue lasagna. Is that what it was? I think there was literally a mare in there. In the sense of a female horse. They can't even justify it on grounds of cooking, though. Sometimes you can say, oh, my carrots are a bit underdone, and they say, well, that's how you're meant to do carrots, really.

Everybody else overcooks them. But you're meant to cook lasagne. I like my carrots are a bit underdone. I must make a note of learning that in at least seven languages. Isn't that coming useful? Or steak. You could sort of say, well, it's meant to be twitching. But lasagna.

Nobody wants rare lasagna. My brother-in-law once had a massive argument. There's a way of serving eggs where they're cooked at 62 degrees. But it's meant to be done for ages. Right. So that they're very delicate. And evidently, they just weren't cooked. So they clearly cooked them at 62 degrees for a small amount of time.

Right. So technically, what they were stating on their menu was correct. But he was basically served raw eggs. I think the worst meal I ever had, well, I've had two bad ones. In your life? Yeah, two really awful ones. Oh, OK. I had once, I was having dinner with the chairman of bp

um i was a child i was nine and i'd been asked the day before i think because i was a child that the mother had rung ahead and had said uh do you like liver and i said do you like larynx no i felt like saying that. It's an extraordinary question. I said, I love liver. No, at nine years old, you pretended to like liver. You faced it out. Yeah, I didn't even know what liver was. I didn't know.

I went, I love it, darling. I love it. You know that thing, show me the boy at seven and I'll show you the man. I'm now having that moment with the girl at nine. And then, of course, the day came oh the china came out the crystal glasses had a little bit of water with wine we used to do that and i know it's not it's it's found upon now um and as i had the liver i thought i was gonna cry i went oh oh stuck in my

throat i'd never take i'd never had anything that disgusting. The woman remonstrated with me. She said, I thought you said you liked liver. I said it was a different liver. I actually said that. Which I thought was quite a good comeback. Not all livers are the same liver, are they? Exactly. It's a similar thing

for the young Hannibal Lecter. First time he showed a human liver. Didn't go down well at all and it fits in with the modern phrase doesn't it YOLO, you only live once lovely work Alan have you had any horrible meals? I think I've had several

horrible meals but I think I'd almost prefer good food with slightly bad service to amazing food with that cloying service where they you know where they really follow you about is everything okay you know there's an indian restaurant near me and they're so friendly that it slightly puts me off going yeah we don't really have to go anymore because one of the staffs come home with us he just follows us about making sure

we're fine you know that thing where is everything all right i I'd rather they just, you know when the food's great and they just chuck it at you, like, yeah, we know how good this is. Our food does the talking. I'd rather have that. I went in my cafe, there's a cafe around the corner from me the other day and I went in at half three and he went, oh, shut the kitchen. And I went, you know you're a cafe, don't you?

You are aware of what it is that you do. And he'd sent all the staff home, so I had to have drinks. That's not good, is it? No, I think that's absolutely appalling. That's the worst of it. We had a text entitled Lies. This is what happens, isn't it? I thought I was discussing honesty and my honesty on...

And then you realised you were sharing a studio with me. People have taken it and ran with it. Work colleague claimed to have a 20-piece drum kit in his conservatory at home. Had to go to his house one day and soon discovered he didn't even have a conservatory. Well done. Paul? I like him. I like the sound of Paul.

Yeah. Did we have a tweet as well? We had a nice tweet from Amy. Not on the subject of lies, but she's just said, Loving the show today, making my economics revision much more bearable. Oh, now we've read our praise. I didn know is that praiseworthy frank can i just apologize because because alan was i have a theory that you shouldn't really revise whilst um listening to the radio because voices distract you whereas music that you know well you can kind of concentrate on the

working hand not that i want to lose a listener. Was that right? I'm not, I want the Ray Jar figures to plunge through the roof. I'll stop listening to I'll stop listening, yeah that's a curious metaphor you employed there. Plunge through the roof. There's many reasons to not listen to this show and one of them is your economics homework and the other is my mixed metaphor. So don't listen to music when you're trying to

I do listen to music. Oh do. I believe but we'll probably have people, I'm a terrible example. Do you know what I'm going to get out of here and I'm going to put that thong song on again. I can't wait. In fact, we did have an email. Hey, Frank, DME and the Cockerel, long-time listener of the podcast, first-time writer.

I'm currently revising for my higher exams whilst making my way through the pre-Alan Cochran shows. So, what are these, please? They're sort of a bit lower than an A-level. They're Scottish. OK. I was wondering how well you guys did in your exams and if they are actually important from 133.

I would say I did terribly considering my... What did you get? Come on. ...powering intelligence. Let's go round this damn room and find out. Alan Cochran. What, A to C passes at GCSE? Just give us it all. I think I got four or three.

Four GCSEs? Yeah. Wowza! When I say I did badly, I'm not overreacting. A levels? No, I did okay in A level. Grades? Three or four.

No, but what are the grades? B and... You're taking too long. Next. Steve Hall. Steve's an academic achievement. This is going to be slightly... I think Steve went to Oxford and Cambridge. No, he did. Yeah, yeah.

That's what I call it, Oxford and Cambridge. Good for you. This is very arrogant, what this is. This is basically me showing off on a low level oh i'm sorry are you not meant to do that you sound like it's a bad thing that's what i do all the time okay gcse's please eight a's and one c what was the c in biology the only science i took i couldn't stand it dr swan you are a fool okay Okay. A levels? A levels. I got an A in history, A in Latin,

a B in English and a C in religious studies. And I also got an S level in English. Oh, Steve. Where I got a merit, which is like, you can get... That's a cigarette, isn't it?

Well done. And then you did Oxford and Cambridge. Yeah. And we brush over that. Oh, I'm so impressed. That was fairly Cambridge. Yeah, and we brush over that. I was so impressed. That was fairly disastrous. Oh, really? Yeah.

Well, that's satisfying. And can we ask this lady's question of what, do you think they matter? Do you think they matter? I like the fact that you have pointedly not asked me how I did. Because you're worried I might have done a little bit too well. Because why else would I have asked the question? I don't mind. I didn't do that well, actually.

How did you do? Well, not with Steve in the room. I sit somewhere between you two, between the two stools. You do? H-E-C-S-E's. But one did include oral English. I'm not quite sure. I just have to say, hello, how are you?

Very well, thank you, goodbye. Who does oral English? Nancy DiLoglio. It's extraordinary. And then my A-levels, two A's and a B. Stormed it. Well, not really. No, back in the day, that was good.

Three A's. Oh, not really, says GCSE woodwork failure. I didn't get woodwork. Not really. I mean, yeah. You went to a nice drama school, though, didn't you? Yeah, I was a bad student, though. I'm just not a very good scholar. I don't retain data.

But I would say to... Are you no good at data retention? I'm no good at data retention. I would say to 133 that I don't think they matter that much. I still am of the opinion that... People that do badly always say that. If I meet a person, I'm more likely to judge their table manners than their GCSE results.

That's my feeling on life. I love that sentiment. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Are we still in email corner? We are.

We could sashay back there if we weren't. Shall we shantay back there? We've got an email from Alison Moulds, who writes, hi Frank, Emily and Alan. And she puts in brackets for Alan, tickets still available at Hull. Yes. So she's plugging away for you there, Al.

I like the fact that she's put, although I've seen you several times, someone's buying them. I like that. It's almost as if she's saying, just me then. Fan stroke stalker. She has been sat amongst other people, I should point out.

She says, listening to last week's society membership stories, I was reminded of the time when I enrolled into the Star Trek fan club. I received a welcome pack, including badges, etc. Then a monthly magazine addressed to N-Sign Molds,

much to my husband's chagrin and mock. I was in my 30s when I decided to join but soon realized it may have been designed for a much younger ensemble shortly after the magazine stopped publication and so after 30 years waiting to join i was dumped after nine months maybe just as well oh alison my heart goes out to but it has made me realize there's perhaps a gap in the market for an alan Cochran fan club with some small badges. In fact, let's be honest, I've got free time during the week. I could do stuff for my fans. Why don't you? Like if you want me to research car insurance quotes for you.

That'd be good. This launches today, the Alan Cochran. The Alco. Yeah yeah this starts here and now alco can i just say i like ensign molds i like that only the star trek fan club could misread a name like allison as ensign give it a sort of sci-fi spin i got post attached once addressed to instead of emily dean how wrong can you go? You can't go at all wrong. You'd be incorrect. Because they sent it to Emma hyphen Lee Dean.

Emma Lee Dean. I'm some strange country and western singer. It's extraordinary. I enjoyed your country and western albums. Is it Emmy the Great is Emma Lee Moss? As in Emma hyphen Lee, I think. Oh oh there you go that's good so thanks for that well i knew steve would know that you know why he went to oxford and cambridge yeah he did well he studied hard hi frank and the gang i've just been catching up on the shows that i've missed and one of them you

were talking about when and how often you should get suits cleaned. It got me thinking. I bought my first and still only suit when I was 15, and now I'm 31. The suit has seen six funerals, ten weddings and countless interviews, and to this day it has never been washed or dry cleaned. I always just hang it up and Febreze it before putting it away for the next death slash marriage. That suit must be minging. It's all congratulations. I would like to shake his hand, but I don't want to get that close. That's going to be a mid-90s suit.

So it's going to look a little bit like what Liverpool wore to the 96 FA Cup final. A bit Spice Boys. That's not appropriate for a funeral, is it? That suit, that's seen more action than Hugo Chavez's red shirt. He never took that off either, for the rest of his soul. And that's from Egon Belmonte. You know, a few weeks ago we were talking about people who used to be called, oh, Peter from Peterborough.

Is he from Del Monte then? It's the man from Belmonte, isn't it? Egon Belmonte, it sounds a bit like a pseudonym. I think that's a bit made up. It's a great made-up name if it's not a real name. Can I say, though, six funerals, ten weddings and countless job interviews. I think that's too much. That was the original draft of that film.

Unless he's a hitman and the job interviews are directly related to the funerals. Oh, well. Well, boys, it's been so nice being with you today. I think that's kind of all we've got time for. The producer's waving things in front of my eyes, which look like it's time to wrap up. So thank you, Steve. Thank you.

Thank you, Alan. We've missed you, Frank, today, and we love you. And listen, I can't wait to hear all your stories about Pete Doherty and Macaulay, and I hope you had a great time. Be seeing you. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. seeing you.