The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Frank's Back

Episode Date: November 17, 2012

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Christmas lights, celebrity feuds and getting in to character.

Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. And you can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. There's the admin, Don Dusted on Fluffed. I'm very glad to have you back, Frank. Thank you very much. I was a bit poorly last week. Frank Skinner was indisposed, as they say in columns.

I was... I'll tell you what, by the way, I came in this morning in a car, and the driver... You know sometimes listening to the radio, there might be someone listening to us in a similar situation, listening to the radio, and every now and again he goes... It does like a sort of... Like it's not properly tuned and it growls at you do you know what i mean i'm not sure i do

suddenly it's saying oh this is a war of the worlds and it does that it makes that weird noise he had it like that and usually you adjust it so you get it tuned right he just left it like he liked it like that like he used to be in the velvets and he liked a bit of uh feedback so i'm this it's quite early this morning when you don't really want well here we are on you don't want that other than that i suppose a velociraptor could have got into the radio studio and we were listening to a man being slowly torn apart so yeah i was i was quite uh i lay in bed this time last week thinking i bet there isn't a radio presenter in britain who will feel worse than i felt this week that turned out to be incorrect no i was um i did feel uh poorly it's not what you think um i um Can I be honest?

I quite liked it. Did you? Well, I got the call. Just talk about it from my perspective. Oh, yeah, let's do that again. And Daisy, the producer, called, and she got quite formal, Frank. She quite liked it, I think. She said, hello, Emily, I'm sorry to disturb you.

Sorry to disturb you? It sounds like a voice message. Was she computer generated? Yes. Like Anna Nova? She was. And then I liked the drama, Frank. She said, the show's cancelled.

I felt like the Rolling Stones. I loved it. The show's cancelled. Oh, well, that's it. How did you find out, Alan? I got a call from Daisy also at 6.30. There's an element of where were you when Kennedy got you. Yeah, yeah.

I like the way my girlfriend found out. My girlfriend got up, put the radio on, said about 12 times, Oh, listen to Daddy. Listen to Daddy now. Oh. And then it was Andy Bush. Oh, dear. And at about five past eight, I heard my...

I was sleeping in the spare room. I heard the door open and she came in to check to see if I was in there. Oh. Like I was having an affair or something. And I only claimed to do a radio show on Saturday mornings and I'd been caught out. And I did that thing, which I find is a quintessential element in any relationship.

I pretended to be asleep. Did you? And I think, there's a lot of people who say, we're very honest, we share everything. I bet there isn't a couple on the planet who haven't, at some time, one of them's pretended to be asleep. Faint sleep, yeah.

What is it about? It's just something exciting. It's the thrill. The thrill of the ruse. Thinking, I think I'm asleep, but actually I'm not. All right. I find it scintillating. So you pretend to be asleep and you actually let them think that you're asleep, whereas I sometimes pretend to be asleep

and with everybody in the room knowing I'm not asleep. And so I'll just... Well, that's right. You know that fake thing? Are you doing it now? I do it most of most days. My favourite one is sometimes I pretend to be awake. When really, I'm having a bit of a snooze.

Oh, nice. No, I've always found that very exciting, pretending to be asleep. I'll do it in the street sometimes. If conversation goes a bit wayward. Oh, that happens to me a lot it's great though you know they're looking at you and you think oh what expression have i got shall i do a smiley expression and so i'll worry that i'm having a dream of some sort of eroticism it's a million games you can play if you're in a long-term relationship

whereas if you're not it it's basically patience you stop with. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a tweet. I don't mean to sound pathetically grateful, but we have had a tweet. This is from Marie. I bet it wasn't the

first time. No, you wouldn't be wrong. Morning, Frank. You were a question... I'm so going to get my own back now. You were a question on The Chase this week. What is The Chase? Or is this... Were they just out walking in Cannock in Statsnitz?

I don't know. Is it a quiz thing? I can tell you it's a quiz where there's a chaser and then there's a person and there's basically like a general knowledge quizzy expert. Yeah, yeah, it's a TV. What channel are we talking about? I think it's ITV and I think it sometimes clashes with Pointless, so you may not know.

Oh, what? I will be sky-plossing it now. But it may not clash entirely with Pointless. Do you want to know? I'll go straight from Pointless. I think you can go from one to the other if you like. Pointless celebrities last week, Cheeky Girls or something. Were they? Yeah, that's a bit harsh to put them on a programme called that. I said to Kat, they'll still go out

first round, they'll still go out first round, they'll still go out first round, they win out first round. Oh. I was expecting a surprise there. No, no surprise. Not with the Cheekys. Spoiler alert, the Cheekys went out first round. Turns out one of them's an expert on Brunel.

Who knew? Frank, do you want to know... Can I just say, one of my favourite examples of reading between the lines was Margit, who is the mother of the Cheeky Girls. I saw an interview... OK, you know quite a lot about her. You know her mother's name. I've worked with the Cheeky Girls.

Of course you have. And Margaret said that when Gabrielle was going out with Lembit Opiek, she said, oh, they're talking about all sorts of intellectual things. The other day they were talking about astronomy. And I thought, I know exactly what they were talking about. They were talking about his theory that a big meteor is heading towards the Earth. That's what they were talking about. She wasn't talking. She was being spoken to by Lambie Alpig

about his pet meteor theory. And halfway through, she was thinking, I hope you're right and I hope it comes now. Carry on. Anyway, you were a question on The Chase this week. Do you want to know what the question was? Let me guess. Who had a massive hit with a single called Three Lions?

No. Which comedian lost millions? Oh. The contestant and the chaser both got it wrong. Yeah. I can exclusively reveal that it was. It was me. They didn't know that.

No. reveal, but it was. It was, mate. They didn't know that. Can I say, I was in the warm embrace of Coots the Bankers when I lost... Oh my God, I feel sick when you mention brands. Very kindly

this week I received a Coots diary through the post. That's nice, Frank. So I thought, it's not a total loss. I'll put that in the gains column. Anyway, I'm back on my feet now. Anyone's worried, don't send in money. It's not children in need.

Well, how odd to see Girls Aloud last night with Cheryl. Yes. Back in the fold. I didn't. Well, how did you, what did you think of it? I thought maybe she might have gone back because things aren't going as well as they were, but that, do you think that's right? No. Surely not. I'd just

seen her as part of the gang, like seen Robbie as part of Take That. Yeah. I wasn't happy with it. Grimace was on last night. Grimace? Yeah. But you know that bit in the chorus line when, um, when Musical. Yeah, when the know that bit in the chorus line when... Musical? Yeah, when the woman auditions

for the chorus line, she used to be a star. He's very metrosexual. And the bloke says, you can't have you in the chorus line, you're a big star. And she said, look, I just need the work. It was like that, but alive on telly. Oh. Okay. Okay. We've also had an email.

Yeah. Which I'd like to read out to you. This is from one of our listeners in Malaysia, Penang. One of our... probably our listener in Malaysia. This is Mike, who's a fan of our show. What is the Malaysia... Malaysia's something Asia. What is it? It's not something, though, is it?

There's a word. Malaysia's truly Asia. That's what the advert says. Oh, OK. Malaysia's truly Asia. Well, Mike Formoso, who sounds quite Sopranos, I like the sound of him, he'd firstly like to add a contribution... It'd be better if it was Mike Malaysia from Formoso. I'm sorry, but it's not.

Mike Malaysia would be a brilliant name, wouldn't it? He'd like to add a contribution for left-wing shops. Remember we were discussing that as a concept? Yeah, two years ago. The communist compact car dealer, Ho Chi's Minis. Good. That's good.

I went to a socialist bookshop called Bookmarks, and we were talking about if there were other shops that had a communist theme. Oh, it really took off at the time. I used to a socialist bookshop called Bookmarks, and we were talking about if there were other shops that had a communist theme. Oh, that really took off at the time. I used to do it. A year and a half ago. In my stand-up about 20 years ago, I used to do a thing about bullseye. Remember in bullseye when they used to say things like,

In one! Yes. And he used to sum up stuff by saying, If music be the food of love, talk in to this radio cassette player. Yes. And one of them was, In Six, from old Chi Minh to me no chin. It's a video of Vietnamese war atrocities.

Can you still say me no chin? Well, if you can't, then that's why my producer's got a head in her hands. I'm speaking about it in a historical thing. It's not the sort of material I do now, obviously. I don't think you've done the worst thing that a DJ's done this week. No, you've... Well, I'll don't, allegedly. OK.

OK. So, speaking of... Yes. Sorry, did you have something else to say? No, I was just going to say he's getting married. Mike Famoso's getting married in three weeks in Ho Chi Minh City. And he says, it's dawned on me, I've had loads more interaction and pleasure from the show

from an hour or so every week. Than I have from my fiancé. Is that how this is going? Is he proposing? He's inviting us to the wedding. Basically, we've got an invite to a wedding. When is it? He says, there's loads of eligible chaps to show me around the city.

There's no date, which makes me think it's um a known invite really all right it makes me think that they'll just have it when we when we're available oh that's a good idea isn't it yeah there should be more room wedding invitations yeah rather than a save the date card a choose the date card i quite fancy ochi min city though yeah me too that's a great you know people they go to elaborate lengths and call things like St. Petersburg and stuff. Why not just say the name of the person and then put city after it?

Like Radio City. It's got everything. Is that where you live, Mr. Radio? Yeah, that's where I live. I live in Wright Castle Radio. That's where I live. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's alright. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I'd love to know. I don't normally just come up with a text in out of the blue. But something that has been very much in my mind this week is celebrities turning on Christmas lights.

Oh really? You've got a story? I'd just like to know who did your local lights because it's surprising who comes out to turn the lights on. There's all sorts. I haven't been asked. No. I used to

turn the lights on in David Baddiel's house on Friday nights. And then you turn them off again and you like to save the pace. I was his Shabbos goy. What's that? You know, Jewish people on the Sabbath, they can't do anything since it's a time of rest, so they get a non-Jew to come in and do things like

put the dishwasher on and turn the lights on and stuff like that. I used to flannel wash him from head to foot on a Friday. And that's called Shabbos goy, is it? That's a Shabbas... Elvis used to be a Shabbas Goy when he was a young man, yeah. He'd get paid. Oh, really?

But, I mean, you know, it's not supposed to be a job. You're supposed to be helping and then they give you a gift. Well, that time you would have been on the circuit as well, so it would have just supplemented your comedy income. Yeah, exactly. It wasn't a lot of work. Orthodox Judaism. I used to cross and uncross his legs while he was watching the television.

Who else? Yeah, I wish he didn't wear the dressing gown. And the big lapels. And too many guns. I think he's talking about David Baddiel now. No, it's me too. Oh, you're talking about he doesn't have any guns of any kind. You think you know him?

Yeah. I know him so well. I don't like to boast, but up north... You do? OK, I do. But up north London way, in the Highgate area, Alex Zane is switching on the lights. Wow.

Can I just say? Is he? I like an emo Christmas light, because he might be a bit... It's a bit sort of santa and eyeliner and skinny jeans isn't it french and frank george michael i'm whispering when i say his name i always worry about getting sued but um he contributes to the whole he's not turning the lights no no but he gives money towards the light he rarely turns the lights on his own car

blimey! I say, he'd have been a scoop. What about Regent Street in central London? It was turned on by 40 members of Team GB, the Paralympics and the Olympics teams, and the cast of Matilda. Really? There's supposed to be turning them on,

not putting them on. I thought I'd get there, Rebecca Adlington would be on a cherry picker with a coil of fairy lights Were they trying to perplex I'm not suggesting by the way that Rebecca Adlington has a coil of fairy lights that would be very impractical

Were they trying to perplex somebody that said how many members of Team GB does it take to change a life force That was it, but I mean they can't all have a... You want to see the sort of plunge, you know, the sort of celebrity plunge they get? Yeah, yeah.

You want that? They wouldn't have all been able to get a hand on it. That's over-egging the pudding. There's Rasta Mouse turning on the lights in Oldham Town Centre. Now, that sounds really like a money-saving idea, though, because they haven't had to pay a proper celebrity. Well, there'll be the voice-offs. Oh, I like it when he gets angry, a proper celebrity.

No, no, I mean, like, I'm worried now about spoilers. That's in Oldham. I bet we find out that Alan was up for that gig. Was it a hair of bitterness? No, no, no. No, no, the thing is with that, they're saving money, and good people, proper acts. You know what it is?

I realised that I was about to say a person in a mouse suit and then I worried, oh, it might be kids listening. And so I've backpedalled and realised. Good on you. Anyway, it's out now. It's out now. He can't turn them on. It's like that snowman advert.

It's ridiculous. Is he going to be on a stool? I'll find that depressing if he's on a stool. But they've got a bloke that's just on equity minimum in a mouse costume. That's much cheaper than getting an actual... I thought you weren't going to say they were in a mouse costume. I know, I've done it now, but it's out. Speaking of which, I watched Children in Need last night,

and there was a lot of virtual podsy. Oh, was there? A lot of, yeah. Oh. A lot of computer-generated, and there was the odd shot of the person in the podsy outfit. I mean, you couldn't see their face, but from their posture, you could tell they were thinking,

I can see how this is going. They won't want me at all next year. Do you think the real podsy's getting a bit old From their posture, you could tell they were thinking, I can see how this is going. Right. They won't want me at all next year. Do you think the real Pudsy's getting a bit old and starting to lose it? The real Pudsy? Like when the Blue Peter pets go a bit funny and then they get moved out. Yeah, that's what it is. Already blind in one eye. Having put down.

Lost the bowel control as well. Oh, I don't want to think about that. Oh, dear. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. He's talking about Christmas lights, if you can still call them that. Yeah. Probably have to call them winter lights.

You know Rihanna? Don't let a snowman get away with it. No. If you want a white male, we'll be right. That needs to be changed. So patriarchal. Have you ever seen a snow woman? They must make them. Yes, I have seen them. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I don't think much to them. No. Um, Geoff Lloyd Macclesfield. Well, is that his full name? Typhonate. Geoff Lloyd's doing Macclesfield? Yes! Yeah, I heard a bit of his show the other day where he was hoping that some coach driver would drive him up there. How was it? I didn't hear the end of it, but it's a good...

He's hitchhiking to say the Christmas lights off. It sounds like it, yeah. It sounded like it. Oh, that's... No. Rihanna. You know Rihanna? I know Rihanna, yeah.

You know? I don't know her, but I know who she is. She's one of those performers who one very much associates with young women watching her perform and saying, Go, girl. Yeah, well... There's a certain group of those, Beyonce, probably Adele. Uh-huh.

Yeah. And that's the same, yeah, go, girl. She is getting... Go, girl. ...£5 million, I believe, for turning the Christmas lights on in a shopping centre. Go go girl. She is getting five million pounds, I believe, for turning the Christmas lights on in a shopping centre. Go girl! Go girl indeed, yeah, yeah.

It's a big old go girl. You make it sound a bit threatening when you say it. There must be caretakers listening to this. I turn the lights on in a shopping centre every morning and I get £38 a week. I mean, I don't like to undercut a fellow self-employed performer, but I would have done it for four... Four million.

No, four. Four quid. That's what she's getting, five million. Yeah, I mean, the irony of it is that I bet she gets sent a lot of free stuff. She never goes in shopping centres. I bet she's... I bet she doesn't even switch her

own lights on. Exactly. She'll have staff for that won't she? Yeah. Probably the first work she's done for years. I wonder how much the lovable rogues from Britain's Got Talent are getting. Where did they do? Well I only know because Daisy, the producer she was boasting a bit.

She went, are the lovable rogues doing Ealing? I didn't even know who they were. Yeah, I remember them. There were three sort of jolly lads on Britain's Got Talent. They're a bit Mumfordian. They were a bit... I think they might have had a ukulele one week. A bit Mumfordian.

Yeah, they were in the Mumford bracket. I don't think they'll be getting five million. Oh, they were lovable, yeah. Whether they were rogues. Who's to say? I don't know about that. I wonder who. Oh, they were lovable, yeah. All right. Whether they were rogues. Who's to say? I don't know about that. I wonder who's doing Merfield, where I grew up. Someone will text in, won't they?

Merfield, West York. Yeah, that'll be Fine Time Fontaine. It'll be... She's an actor. Fine Time Fontaine. Fine Time Fontaine. Yeah, I know that actor. Yeah, he always does...

He always does panto at Wakefield Opera House, if I remember rightly. Does he? So, you know, he's in the ballpark. Well, where I grew up, Merfield, the only other person that is in the public eye that has come from there is Patrick Stewart, Jean-Luc Picard. He'd be a good one.

I can't imagine he'll be doing Merfield's Christmas lines. Oh, I love him. I loved his work at that awards ceremony with James Corden. One of my favourite things ever. I'd be quite chuffed to see... That's a good booking if they get Patrick Stewart. I bet they can't, though, can they, surely? In fact, I'm not even sure Merfield gets Christmas lights.

Well, do you think they even get lights? I don't know. Oh, no. You know the North has been heavily hit by the cuts, don't you? Maybe that job that Rasta mouse, maybe they'll get you in to switch the lights off. I'd do it. I know you would.

I doubt that for a minute. And you'd do the voice for Rastamouse if you had to. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We're going to take a little trip to Email Corner. Oh, OK. Do you want the jingle and everything?

Sorry, am I being high maintenance over here? All together. Email Corner! And relax. Hi, Frank, Emily and the Cockerel. Whilst walking the dog under a beautiful starlit sky, I was listening to the podcast... I love it so far.

..and to you discussing reusing waxwork dummies. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I was saying that there's a shop in London that's got Susan Sarandon in the window, waxworks. No real reason. Mm-hm. I have first-hand experience of this. Last year, I took my kids and nieces to Portsmouth

to see HMS Victory. Oh. In the Battle of Trafalgar experience. I was talking about that two days ago, going to see that. Were you? Yeah, I met someone from Portsmouth, and I was saying I flew over in a helicopter once. It looks great.

Oh. I was on the Golden Hind once. You know the Golden Hind, Francis Drake? I think it was a replica. Stop name-dropping. They had a parrot on there. Oh. It was quite a good one.

Right. Quite loquacious. Oh, wasn't it? And two days after, me and this mate, two days after we went on it, the whole thing burnt down. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Parrot was... Parrot and all. Parrot died in the... Was it toast? I remember my mate said... Another dead parrot? My mate said, he was only talking to me two days ago.

It's a terrible way to go, that poor thing. Imagine it screeching and then on the perch, as in a rotisserie. Some people are having their conflict. Can we get back to... This morbid fantasy of... Sorry, so we're in the victory. Yeah, HMS Victory. Yes, HMS Victory.

In the Battle of Trafalgar experience, there are a load of mannequins reliving various aspects of the battle. As the sound of cannon rang around the room, I suddenly came face to face with Sir Bob Geldof, dressed in British naval uniform, some sort of megaphone in his raised microphone hand,

screaming instructions to the crew. I looked in vain for the rest of the boomtown rats, or even an errant mid-jewel, but he seemed to be alone. I have photo evidence if you would like to see it. That is all. No night's move. I simply don't have the time to show Emily around Oxfordshire unless late at night with the dog. Don't do that.

Say no to that. That sounds very Tory MP. That is fine. I actually, I did a PhD in mid-year. Have I ever told you this? No. Yeah, in the work, the life and works of mid-year. No.

Yeah, I was a mid-year student. Oh! So, I'm terribly, terribly sorry, everyone. Why did you pursue it? I think we've discovered here some sort of not very exciting human trafficking. The waxworks have been reused. I mean, Bob Geldof has been press ganged. I can't.

It's a simple example. I liked, I looked in vain for the rest of the Boomtown rats. Good luck recognising them. Exactly, yeah. Who's the sailor in pyjamas? We never had one text telling us who turned on the Christmas lights in the area. That's true. Do you think they're all right?

Are you worried about them? I'm a bit worried about the audience. You've got to bet he hasn't called. I hope he hasn't had an accident. Now you've so gone like that. If you're listening, can you nip round the listener's house and see how many bottles of milk there are on the step? Because I think they might have had one of their falls.

I'm so glad you like my fingerless gloves. Alan hated them. I like them. They've got a sort of a sexy steptoe feel to them. Alan said they reminded him of... What did I say? Hilary Devay. Yeah. I love Hilary Devay. Now it's

the winter of our discontent made glorious summer. But anyway... Back to the email corner. Are we still there? Yeah. We don't need to return. No, I haven't sounded the retreat.

Okay. Dear Frank, Alan and Em. Quite personal. I'm a long-time listener of the podcasts and was surprised to hear Frank mention filming of The Fast and Furious 6 near his house the other day. Oh, yes. Because the filming has just finished

for the very same film below my house what's so special about that you may ask i live in a small village in tenerife just below the volcano and they've been using the new and not yet open ring road to film some road chase scenes which runs just below the village every day kids have been hanging over the bridge that doesn't sound very healthy sounds That sounds a bit Michael Jackson's house of your hotel room. Blankie. Watching the filming after school.

It's all been quite exciting. And yes, I probably will watch the film, even though I've not seen it. Can I say that wasn't the joke? Some of you might have thought that was a very dark joke. No, I know what you mean. It was about hanging his baby off the balcony. No, Blankie.

I suddenly realised I'd had a juxtaposition of images Some of you might have thought that was a very dark joke. No, I know what you mean. It was about hanging his baby off the side of the balcony. No, Blankie. Yeah, Blankie. I suddenly realised I'd had a juxtaposition of images which could be misinterpreted, and I just wanted to nail it right there. It's not quite dark, but when I see the... He's certainly not as dark as he used to be. No. Well, actually, he probably is now. OK, when I see the Russian bridge, I'll be thinking of you.

I hope that's not a euphemism. That's from Kirstie in Tenerife. You keep my Russian bridge out of this. Well, that's lovely. That's nice, but a couple of points, Emily. I think you'll find it's pronounced Tenerife-y, isn't it? Is it? Oh, you're a take-me-out presenter.

Yeah, in that way. There's been a lot of filming outside my flat over the last week or so. Has there? There's a new ABFC. You know, I live near to Lambeth Palace. Oh, of course. Oh, yeah. It's a new ABFC.

Yeah. Oh, the new guy. I wanted to ask you about him. He's literally new, isn't he? Justin Welby. Justin Portal Welby. What? Shut up.

Yeah, that's his middle name, Portal. Oh, no. Yeah. And you know my big portal theory about when you listen to music? Oh, God. No, that's his middle name, Portal. Oh, no. Yeah. And you know my big portal theory about when you listen to music? Oh, God. No, it's clean. I'll tell you. Well, I'll tell you.

I'll run it by you during the adverts. OK. No, no, it's perfectly clean. It's sort of musical theory. So, nip round and see if they're all right. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Did you forget? Text us on 812. I have to do this bit every hour. Follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute.

Oh, what a chore. Yeah, but, you know, I don't want to give people dead air. I want to give them something new and different, even if it's rubbish. I like it to be something they haven't heard before. Well done for soldiering through that. Thanks very much. I'm not one of those people on the adverts who have to say,

I've got to write at the end really quickly. That's how I need to start doing it, see how quick I can do it. We'll look out for that at ten o'clock. Next hour I'm going for it like there's no tomorrow. And at my age need to start doing it. See how quick I can do it. We'll have a bit of a... We'll look out for that at ten o'clock. Next hour I'm going for it like there's no tomorrow. And at my age, there might not be. So, what, what, what,

what, what, what? Well, we've got some Christmas lights news. 804 says hiya all. I like a hiya. Hiya. In Bristol, JLS switched on the lights That's good, that's a result

At the Mall Cribs Causeway, that's quite good isn't it Yeah that is good because he's only recently finished his court case hasn't he Who? JLS Oh JLS Not JLS I was going to say, did he have his poker pad? No, he's out and about though

I've seen him No, he's out and about, though. Yeah. I've seen him. And Steps did the honours in Yate. Is Yate... What's Yate? It's a wine lodge. Oh, that's what I thought. There's bubbles really burst for Steps. Turning on the Christmas lights in Yate's wine lodge.

Oh, no. No, I think it's a place. It must be a place. It'll be a place. I'm making a little joke. Steps, they were on... Weren't they on Children in... I know they were on The Wand Show. Oh, OK. And what were they doing? Miming. I thought they might have been eating or something.

No, they were on a bus miming. We've all done it. Yeah, I have a little time for me saying one and ninepenny to Birmingham Town Centre, please. Wow. I've been playing that for, what, 40 years. Frank, what was this radio thing? As Mr Radio, I think it's wholly appropriate

that you were the star turn at the radio festival. I love that you were there. I wouldn't say I was the star turn, but I was at the radio festival in Manchester this week. The radio festival, in was at the... I love that you were there. I wouldn't say I was the star term, but I was at the radio festival in Manchester this week. The radio festival, in case you're wondering, is very like the TV festival with one main difference. No pictures. It's about radio.

And it was, you know, there was a lot of proper radio stars. You know, before me, Vicky Blight was interviewing Steve Lamac and then after me I think Billy Bragg was doing the John Peel lecture so it was a very interesting, because John Peel of course this is like a Kevin Bacon, I think

I think, yeah I think there was so much good on the other side of the scales I'm not sure I think the was so much good on the other side of the scales. I'm not sure. I think the jury's out. He played the fall a lot. Yeah.

And interestingly, he played the fall a lot. Billy Bragg was giving the John Peel lecture, and a little connection, a little Kevin Bacon connection. Once when interviewed, Mark Eastsmith asked if anything frightened him. He said Billy Bragg in a lift. Oh. So a little connection. Leave that with you.

I met him once with Russell Crowe. Billy Bragg. Anyway, I didn't want to top you. You met Billy Bragg with Russell Crowe? Yes. I'd rather meet Billy Bragg, to be honest. Russell Crowe's always seemed like a spiteful individual. I can't comment. No.

So go on. Is he actually a crow? No. OK. That's one he would. What I'd like is that you say, I met Russell Crowe, and John Pertwee came in, and he was absolutely terrified. Used to play Wurzel, Gommage, Mark.

Mark, did you not get it? Meanwhile, over at the radio festival... Yeah, so I was interviewed by Adrian Childs. Yes, the two Brommies. Yeah, it was a bit... I think they were struggling a bit because we got very hard in the news at the time. I usually got like that. I could see people were strong.

But there was a line of introductions. Mark Radcliffe had to introduce Adrian Charles, and then Adrian Charles had to introduce me. Wow. I was tempted to come on and introduce Mark Radcliffe and see how long we could keep it going. But Mark Radcliffe's introduction was very fine. He said, we've got Adrian Charles is going to be introducing Frank.

Adrian Charles, just never met him before. Much taller. Much taller than you'd expect. Very tall. He said, have you ever met the Proclaimers? That's a similar thing. You'd expect them to be small, but they're very tall. Very tall.

So when I went on, I said, it's weird that, because I met Peter Crouch surprisingly squat. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Sorry, we were just talking about me being at the radio festival. In Salford. In Salford. Not Manchester. Sorry, just quickly, before we continue.

No, you're quite right. Croydon had Moe from EastEnders. That's from Belinda. Big or little? Oh, good point. Oh, it's got to be big. Well, I don't know. Would you risk her on a gantry?

So, um... Oh, yeah, we were talking about the radio festival. So I was talking about the whole... I should say that Sara, our assistant producer, won a sort of a... Well, she's in a special category called the 30 Under 30s, which is supposed to be the 30 young people in radio

who are the most up-and-coming, promising, will-do-great-things. Am I right? Yeah. Brilliant. That's exciting. Congratulations. It's a poison chalice, but then she's used to it. Yeah. She did seem upset about last week's week off, muttering something about the dosage.

I don't know what that was about. I felt a lot better since. I think she overdosed with the week before, that's why I was ill. Under 30, my eye. It was a bit insulting, but I was just glad you said eye. Yeah, so that was... I'll tell you what we did talk about. We talked about how I... My listeners won't be aware of this, either of them.

But I deliberately place myself in a sort of cosseted cloud cuckoo land on this show. There is a screen face. I sit on one side of the desk and Alan and Em sit on the other. And there is a screen where a listener's texts come in and emails. And I have mine switched off in case anyone says anything unfriendly. I simply can't cope with negativity of any kind. I need to operate on a theory that this show has got Britain rocking with laughter.

And if there's any doubt in that, I'll just crumble. And so I use Alan and Emily as a... Well, I think what Saddam Hussein used to call a human shield. So they have to take the bullets for me. A lot of your radio career you use Gulf War analogies on as well. He's a bit of a Storm and Norman. Later I'll be introducing the mother of all travel.

That would be great. So who is the mother of all travel would you say? There must be a goddess somewhere. Oh yeah. Oh we'll have a little thing. Text in. I might still have 15 if you know who the mother of all travel is.

What absolute deity. Wouldn't it be absolute maternity? Probably. So, yeah, so I explained this, and I said, so, you know, I always imagine that everyone is absolutely loving it, and that's how I get up on Saturday mornings. And I said, for example, and I told them about the A.E. Houseman alarm, which regular listeners will know about every time the poet A.E. Houseman is mentioned,

as the alarm goes off, and I explained this theory to them, and nothing, absolutely nothing at all, because I've always thought it was one of the great comic constructs of the 21st century. Turns out there's nothing in it at all. We thought it was dead parent sketch levels. I never enjoyed that, actually. Yeah. Really?

No. I don't like Monty Python very much. So, anyway. That's a bit... We all like different things. Can I say I was laughed at scornfully before this show began this morning because the rest of the team were talking about how they love Homeland.

And I said, I've really got into Merlin. Why is that funny? Why is that funny? Why is that funny? It just is. It's a really good programme. I had no idea. Because it's very sweet. It's a bit eight-year-old boy in Wisconsin. That's what I like about it. Well, it's also, it's just funny.

Just take it as the... Have you seen it? I've seen it, but it's... You sensed you were being uncool, didn't he? Yeah, what's funny is that you really like it at a point when everybody else is into Homeland. It's just funny. It's a funny bit of being frank.

I think it's your anti-Britishness. Just because Homeland's an American programme, it won't be really good. There's people who say, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, it's like that episode of Seinfeld, isn't it? Oh, it's like that time, you remember that time on Curb Your Enthusiasm? No, I don't!

I don't know that episode, I don't remember that time, and I don't care about that programme, because it's not from the home of the English Rose, it's not from the home of the English Rose. It's not from the home of Shakespeare. It's from America. So shut up about it like it makes you clever, you idiots. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank did go on a bit of a rant about earlier, didn't you, darling? Well, that's gone a bit Craig Revelhorn. But Martin has texted in, or tweeted us, to say, don't worry, Frank, I'm sure someone has said it's like that episode of Blue Heaven. I bet they haven't. Can I say Blue Heaven was a sitcom that I did in the early 90s? Yes. There were six episodes. If anyone's ever said it's like that time in Blue Heaven was a sitcom that I did in the early 90s. Yes. There were six episodes.

If anyone's ever said it's like that time in Blue Heaven, I will eat not only my hat, but I'll eat one of those big Philip Traces that boy George wears. Oh, right. In his black neck period. Do you remember that? Yeah. When he thought, getting a bit of a double chin, I know.

I'll paint it black paint it black why not we've also had texts in about the mother of all travel with many texters saying Judith Chalmers that's a good choice one or two saying

St Christopher I saw him but he's both fictional and male which does put a spanner in the works Christopher. Well, I thought him, but he's both fictional and male. Which does put a spanner in the works. Well, a lot of my favourite people are fictional and male. I'm not holding that against him. One saying, how would you pronounce Bodicea?

I think it's Boudica now, isn't it? Is it? Oh, they keep changing. Unless you're talking to a goose. These PC times, I can't keep up with it. You have to say Bodicea to a goose. I PC times, I can't keep up with it. Boo to a goose. You have to say bow to see her to a goose. I don't know about you, I wouldn't. Anyway.

Yes, boo to cash. Mother of all travel. What, because of the... Chariot. Chariot with the blade sticking out the axles. I guess so. Oh, the little Ben Hur one, I like that. I think she died on Peckham Rye or something. There's some link to Peckham Rye with that.

I don't think there was a chariot. There was a shopping trolley. She was a lady. Maybe. Frank, I've realised because you were sick... Yes? We didn't discuss the elections, which was very exciting. What ones?

It was that Obama won that X Factor thingy. Oh, I think it meant the police commissioner. No one discussed that, did they? That's part of the problem. I love that. Well, brilliant. I should have stood. There's errors. If I'd have stood, I would now be the police commissioner because nobody voted. You know,

everybody basically wants an easy day at work. Do you think the counters, when they turned up that ballot box and nothing fell out, they just thought, oh, this is going to be easy, rather than just tons of... I thought they'd all be police people as well, the police commissioner thing. Yes, I would have assumed that. Could John Prescott be arrested for impersonating a police officer?

That'd be brilliant. But, Frank, I've got a confession. Oh, tell us. I slightly humiliated myself on election night. Definitely tell us. I've just remembered that I don't eat during the talking. One week off and the whole system goes to pieces. Sorry, everyone. Carry on, Em.

It sounds lovely. There's probably a whole seminar at the Radio Fest on why not to eat chocolate Hobnobs during a broadcast. There probably was. Sadly, I missed it. Go on. Pray tell. Dr Fox Says No Chucks, I think was the title. I thought I'd keep abreast of what was going on. Frank!

Rubbish. Rubbish! Yeah. But I don't think you'll approve of this, but I'd have... Do you mean the american election yeah i'd had a few frank i'm afraid i had a few champagne cocktails i'm sorry to say yeah i'm sorry it all went a bit 90s i'm all for it just because i don't i know frank but i don't think you would have liked the person i became that night well if i'm honest because i got

i got quite talkative you basically couldn't hear any other voice other than mine that entire evening right but i thought i was articulate and because anyway i was standing by this bar this dutch man approached lovely yeah came up to me quite young they're all right on the flat yeah yeah put them on a hill yeah he approached me and what i don't think was a filthy creep way to be fair it was just sort of a dutch hospitality yeah they're very very open people not like if he'd offered you a drink you'd have been paying for it they go dutch i wish i thought of that instead what i did was bore him i turned into what i call pub pax man

i bought him we talking about the elections. Yeah. He said, oh, what do you think? I said, I'll tell you what I think. I went on and on. About an hour. I don't even know anything about politics, Frank. I was going on about primaries and caucuses.

I don't really know what they are. GOPs. I talked... Did you chuck in GOPs? I started lecturing him about proportional representation. He said, we have this system in Holland. I said, no, no, no, but the thing is, I just said first past the post,

because I heard Paddy Ashdown say that once. I went on and on. Do you know how boring I was? How boring? He walked away. He didn't say, excuse me, or feign illness, or say I've got to go to the toilet. Just a poor walk off.

I must say, it's brilliant when you're so bored that manners go out the window, and you think, what? Escape is more important than charm. We were talking about how boring you are, Emily. Well, I was drunk, to be fair. Yes. We had a text in from 990 who says,

Central Reservation, Emily, which I like, which is a reference to your years. Yeah, when I was drinking, I often slept on the Central Reservation of various traffic roundabouts in Birmingham. I can't imagine you doing that. No. I thought you've got your fingerless gloves.

Yes, I have. I refer to it as, I say, were you Central Reservation drunk? I say to people, hoping they'll understand. But no, it was more, it wasn't so much the alcohol, it was just more that I bored someone to that degree. I was saying earlier how this Dutch man had actually walked off. Yeah, he'd walked.

You know, it might be, to give you the benefit of the doubt, it might be that you knew too much. Oh, interesting. I don't know about you, but if I'm in a conversation, have you ever been in a conversation in the pub about, I don't know, any big news story? I won't name one at random. I can't think of any at the moment.

And someone comes in and they obviously know quite a bit about it. Ruins it. Yeah. Completely ruins it. It happens at football. Sometimes you have a person sit there. Oh, there's a lot of that in football. Know all about tactics and, you know, oh, no, actually, that wasn't offside.

I don't want to know that. I want to have a conversation. I don't want to be crippled with facts. Yeah. And politics, it's easy to get real detail in it. Yeah. But you do want to talk. And really boring. Yeah. Like like the irony for me is that you

appeared on Question Time when you'd been sober for ages where politics I think is one of those conversations that you do get a bit more interesting when drunk if Central Reservation Frank had been on Question Time I think it would have been a different episode oh my god I'd have wanted ringside seats

for that or if Question Time had been on Question Time, I think it would have been a different episode. Oh my God, I'd have wanted ringside seats for that. Wouldn't that have been exciting? Or if Question Time had been on a central reservation. And I wasn't really, I was just found, I was found and put on the panel because someone hadn't turned up. Yeah. See, maybe they should just give them all a drink. I don't like it.

Can you sense when you've bored someone, though? I did it once for the South African ambassador, and he walked off. Were you discussing the Ferrero Rocher? No, but he said, I've got to go and talk to some of my colleagues now. I saw him propping up the bar five minutes later. There were no colleagues.

It was colleagues, for goodness sake. At least he gave you an exit line that time. It's tough, I must say. I mean, becoming a parent, that you really do you you find new depths of boredom you do you bore people people who don't have it's like crossing the house for a politician when you don't have kids it's it's incredibly boring people talking about their kids and then when you do have kids it's the most fascinating you know i we gave um my my Boz, we gave him his first solid food yesterday. That's the story.

Yeah. To me, that's up there with the Shawshank Redemption. But if you don't have children, it's just some stupid story. But at least it doesn't include... Yeah, it's like that episode of The Simpsons, isn't it? No. Sure are. Shut up. of the Simpsons, isn't it? Oh, sure Rob.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, we were talking about being boring. Yeah. And we haven't consulted the Oracle over here. How many people are at home now saying, yeah, you are boring. It's all right, you're boring. But you know what?

I don't know. And I love that. I think I have a voice that can take boringness to a new level. It's almost a zen level that I can... He's mentioned it. He's brought it up at last. Do you remember that time I came in and told you all that I'd eaten peppercorns the night before? Yes. And that

you forget how hot they are. You forget how hot they are. You forget how hot they are. You all ruin me for the whole morning. I've got that in my game. My wife and I were once in our kitchen and she said to me, can you ask your mum to keep any jam jars that she's finished with?

Because I might make some jam. And I went, yeah, yeah, I'll ask her when I next see her. And then she went, is this the most boring conversation we've ever had? I said, I think it might be up there, yeah. Yeah. It's really boring. See, if Kat says that, I check the league table on my iPhone. Which I keep

of the most boring conversations we've ever had. I don't like it. You've got to need light and dark. It's like Milton's Paradise Lost. It's not all brilliant. You need the slightly dull bits and the other bits rise like a mighty literary falcon. It's the connecting tissue, isn't it, between the meat? Yeah, that's what it is.

I have a sort of a conversation... You know the iPod Shuffle? Yeah. I have a conversation version of that. So if there's a lull, I've got a few things. I mentioned it before, Bermuda Triangle, always straight in Bermuda Triangle. Oh, yeah.

Careful where you are with that. I've been with someone, it goes a bit quiet. You know, you start to feel that awkward. It's a terrible panic, it's gone quiet. And I'll say, the hovercraft never really caught on. Like people said it was gonna. It's always, you can use that, anyone at home. It's always, people go, oh yeah, the hovercraft never really caught on like people said it was going to. It's always... You couldn't use that, anyone at home.

It's always... People go, oh, yeah, the hovercraft. You'd be surprised how people's faces light up. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cotty. You can text us on 812.15, follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cotty in Texas on 8-12-15. Follow us on Twitter at FrankOnAbsolute. Very good. Really good.

I'll tell you what I enjoyed this week, a bit of a celebrity feud. Oh, yeah? Oh. I always like a feud in the... In the firmament. Is it that one between me and Gary Barlow? Because he got that part in Miranda. Is it that one?

Oh. It's not that particular one. I think the paper's largely ignored that when I brought it up the fortnight ago. I think your management quashed it. Yes. They've got that. I'm talking about De Niro, Jay-Z. Similar. Yes.

In case you don't know about this, it's an odd thing because Jay-Z approached Robert De Niro and said... Well, they were at Leonardo DiCaprio's birthday party we should say they went in a wimpy or something and he went over and said Hey, how you doing? You know the way they do

the rappers. I think bro was used Do you think? You don't think he went over and went wazzup? I hope so. I hope he went over and did the crazy frog in its entirety just to see Robert De Niro saying I hope so. I hope he went over and did the crazy frog and it said Tyrant. Just to see Robert De Niro saying... So, anyway, he said,

how are you doing? And De Niro said, I phoned you six times, you never got back to me. That's rude, he said to me. He did apparently say that. Oh, I like it. Quite old school, old man in Salvat.

Parental guidance. That's rude. Yeah. And he's right. And he's rude. And I've heard he's got quite a temper on him. Has he? Bob De Niro. Elton John told me that Quang! That he used to call him Elton John had this thing of calling all his male

friends by female names. Yes, I've heard about that, yeah. You know the way the homosexuals do that, in a light-hearted fashion. Oh, gosh. And they sometimes call fellas her, don't they? Yeah, which I always find, I have to say, very hilarious. Here she is. He used to call Robert De Niro Roberta,

and apparently he used to get really angry about it. Yes, he seems the type. So I think he's a smouldering cauldron of rage. Yeah. It really upset me, this. Did it? Yes, because... What, more than Gary Barlow getting my part in Miranda?

What is it with these people and their stupid honesty? Preserve the social hypocrisy. He shouldn't have said that. I was cross with him for saying that. With Robert? Yes. I think he should have been totally hypocritical. No, I thought the line clearly should have come from JC.

When someone says, you never got back to me, I don't think I got that, actually. My phone, there's something wrong with my phone. You're about the third person that said to me, you didn't get back to me about it. Oh, you're good. You do all that, yeah you didn't get back to me you do all that I believed you even then when you were re-enacting it you are a good liar

what I do when I'm calling people if I have to call more than once just FYI anyone that knows me if I say this I'm absolutely livid I feel like I'm stalking you and I laugh and what I actually mean is you've turned me into a stalker because you've ignored me.

I never make the second phone call. Don't you? No. Well, if Jay-Z had obeyed that rule, he would have saved himself five phone calls, wouldn't he? Always the money with you. Always the money with me. Robert De Niro that was calling him.

But phone calling is, I find, a stressful business. If I got a phone message out of the blue from Robert De Niro It's not going to happen. It would give me stomach trouble. The idea that I've got a phone back Robert De Niro, I'd get so anxious about that. Honestly it would make me. Do you think that's what it was?

That Jersey was just a bit scared to call him back. I think who wants to call Robert De Niro, you know? Also. You're going to say something stupid, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. Can I be honest as well?

A bit old school of Bob to be leaving the odd voicemail. That's only like Michael Parkinson and people do that now. What is it? Hello, I'm calling.

People text and email James, he's a bit younger. I don't think Michael Parkinson's got a mobile, so there's no texting option. But also he's a... He can't find his landline. He's never going to find the mobile.

He's a nose breather as well, isn't he, Robert De Niro? He's one of those... Yeah, he is a nose breather. Oh, yeah. Can I say... Can I say I feel sorry for the listeners that they didn't see that impression. It was like Robert De Niro. It was very good, wasn't it? No, but I'm not

being ironic, it was really good. Yeah, and he's got that downturned smile thing. But if he leaves a voicemail message just doing that, it's going to sound like a heavy breather, isn't it? Robert De Niro in a huff on the phone is just... Yeah. Yeah, he still should have got back to him. Maybe he phoned him out the blue

so he didn't get the Robert De Niro name come up on the thing. Just a number. A similar thing happened to me. No, a man I'd barely met, suddenly Neil Morrissey called me and said, do you want to see... You've been quite the name dropper this half. Neil Morrissey, FYI, doesn't count.

Carry on. No, come on. This is ten years ago or more. Pretend lad. Oh, a beer. I hate beer. No, he phoned me up and said, do you want to see Van Morrison at Caesar's Palace looting?

Extraordinary invitation. Extraordinary. I said yes. You know, I mean, who could say no? Jay-Z. That would be it. But, so, you know, it can be quite... Celebrities, I think they feel they can just phone each other

because they're in the brotherhood. Yeah. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I was doing one of my little stand-up comedy gigs, you know, I'm still on the...

Still doing that. Still on the comedy circuit, yeah. I'm not just lying back on all my filthy absolute lucre. I'm still gigging away. And a bloke decided to heckle my shirt last night. I had a nice flannel checked, like a Fred Perry number on. Oh, OK. Oh, I know it.

But he did it with a little smile as if to go, I'm helping you out, mate. And it's not a great heckle to pick a shirt. What did he actually say? He said something like, all right, mate, you've got a horrible shirt on. That was what he said. But it was as if he was trying to help me out

because he started it with all right, mate. I blame the comprehensive education system. Yeah, I'm not sure he's... He's going to go on about Jamie's school dinners again. I'm not sure he'd attended that. Oh, OK. But up there with good quality heckles is, you know, Sir Peter Hall, the founder of the Royal Shakespeare Company.

I read about his heckling. Oh, can I just say this is one of my favourite things that ever happened in the history of human existence. Sir Peter Hall was a very famous theatrical director. He's how old? Yes, 81, I'd say. Yeah, I mean, fair play. The fact that he's still getting about.

He claimed, I don't know, that's not in the story, but he claimed that he dozed off and that he woke up and he was disorientated. Sure he did. But people say that he heckled, it doesn't work and you don't work, it is not good enough, I could be at home watching

television now that is a quality heckle yeah particularly as it was the lady from it was the lady from downton abbey and a man i can't remember his name he always plays a cop with marriage problems ken stott brilliant actor he's brilliant actually in uncle vanya yeah the whole of russia is our orchard um excellent see that there okay? I felt I was in the Urals. Oh. I can smell like it. You want to get that scene too. You know what I like about this?

The fact that Sir Peter Hall, give him his full handle, he said, I could be at home watching television, because that elevates his status. If he'd said, I could be at home watching TV, that sounds a bit X-factor, doesn't it? But if he says, I could be at home watching television, it sort of gives the impression, I'll be watching a documentary on BBC Four about bridges. But television just, it sounds quality, doesn't it? I like his apology as well.

If you're going to apologise for heckling someone and saying that it's not good enough and stuff your excuses, sorry I didn't mean it, I was asleep. Oh well that's fine. In fairness I often wake up and say it's not good enough but that's another story. Yes.

I think he just got confused Frank. Oh he didn't, he was heckling. I mean obviously I would never dream of saying he was drunk but I think he was got confused, Frank. Oh, he didn't. He was heckling. I mean, obviously I would never dream of saying he was drunk, but I think he was raucous. I don't believe that he dreamt. He fell asleep in the middle of a play he was enjoying and dreamt he wasn't enjoying it. Have you ever done that?

No, I haven't. I think he was too... No, but I have gone to Romeo and Juliet and said cheers when they drank the poison. I'm not proud of it. I was at school. We got asked to leave. Yeah, I went to...

I went to... It was Macbeth in Malvern. Lovely. And there's a bit where the bloke looks up and he imagines. You see, he can see something imaginary in the air and he says, Is this a dagger I see before me? And a voice behind me said, they should have had one on a string.

Well, I mean, it completely spoilt it. Well, I am, I was actually the victim of a theatrical heckling. When I was a teenager, I played Romeo in a Dewsbury Arts Group production of Romeo and Juliet. It's like a deep pit that we keep getting, the bucket keeps going a bit further down. Yes! You played Romeo? You played Romeo.

I played Romeo. Excellent. And when I killed Tim Oltz... Don't hold on. Spoiler alert! Yeah. Sorry, anybody that hasn't... Someone's probably on their way to see Romeo and Juliet tonight.

Anyway, that was in our version of the production. I don't know what other Romeo and Juliet are like. But the lad that I was doing it with, Simon Beaumont, was quite acrobatic, so we did this big sword fight. Oh, that sounds a bit sleazy. He could fall off this big shelf, and it was quite... Big shelf? There was a big bit of staging, so there was sort of a four or five foot drop,

and I would stab him and he would fall off it and roll and it was quite um dramatic and at one off a big show it's a stage darling he did a stage for the borrowers he did a stage for them in roles do you mean balcony yeah it was sort of a little anyway at one point one night did the stabbing, and a woman in the audience very loudly went, Oh, there's no need for that! And she was right, in a way. If only society had listened to that woman. Turned out she'd been asleep and woken up. Yeah, I bet.

Mate, he was just bored. There is a long section in Uncle Vanya about why the hovercraft didn't catch on. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I'll tell you where we're going back to. Guess.

Email Corner. Guess. Email Corner. I'm quite sorted out that harmony, but I'm working on it. I'm going to read an email now that's going to test my ability. I mean, we all remember when... They do, generally. But this one begins with some of the French language, and I have no French, as they say.

I'm good at French. Go on. Chers Monsieur Radio. Monsieur. Mademoiselle Emile et la Coco Van. Je d'all the show. French face! That's got that out of the way, we. Thank goodness for that. I'll do it. Actually, just

a second. For anybody who thinks I said that. Would you like to try that again? Yeah. Okay. Cher Monsieur Radio, Mademoiselle Emile E. Cocovin. J'adore le show. I think that helped. I think that helped. Do you know your accent was at least 40% better?

Yeah, I think so. I really think it helped. It's very hard to speak French without an accordion compliment. Uh-huh. I think I remember. That's the first sentence on my Rosetta Stone booklet. You're still doing that? Do you remember Rosetta Stone? Yes.

What a soul singer. I listened to the podcast whilst running in Saint Gervais in the French Alps. Oh, God. He's been canonised. He won't like that. I mean, you know, people were martyred. One stupid dance, straight through. I have an obscure crush which I thought I'd share.

My OC is Emily. Wait, don't get the hump, Emily. It's only obscure because I'm a happily married female with no penchant whatsoever for ladies. One often wonders if happily married women have these thoughts? Yeah. Now we know. Often.

What does one often wonder? Well, often. Three times a week. Two days each thought. She continues. I guess it's like Alan's OC for Beckham. No, in good company. She could have added in brackets, and also Olaf Melberg.

What about mine for... Jesse Eisenberg. Jesse Eisenberg. And mine for Vince Cable. That was a strange period. Okay, that one's a bit weird, I accept. She continues, how she manages to be witty, intelligent and fantastically cutting in a good way without ever falling into the mean cow category is remarkable.

I marvel at her emphatic nose. We didn't read her price, that's a house rule. I can't carry on, can I? Is it a bit crazy? When asked a question, Emily deems beneath her the definite things she will and won't do or wear or be seen dead with and how she names things or gives them acronyms it's all pulled off with such a plon

I'm forever saying her catchphrase too, no not filthy creep but rather urgh that makes me feel sick Frank. Oh I love that catchphrase There's no end of use to it. She's not the first woman to use that catchphrase So here's why it's in.

So, Emily, in a Queen's move, if you're ever in the Alps, I'd be more than happy to take you for a ski. That is all. The official, absolute sign-off. Aww. Do you know that's made my day? That's from Sarah. And she then continues, P.S. Emily.

Oh, what? She wants to shut up. Shut up. She continues, you once mentioned a classmate called Cornelius Wright. Yes, he was the school hunk. Well, guess. The school hunk was called Cornelius Wright.

Yes, yeah. That tells you something about the calibre of education. If he'd have been at our school, he'd have been Chinese burned into hospital with that name. He wouldn't have been the school hunk for long at my school, that's for sure. I can assure you he is alive and well and living in the Alps near St Gervais. He heard of his mention.

He heard of his mention. Lovely. There's still hope. Corny. Was he known as corny? He was all corny. Corny, right. Was he really?

Yes. It's a different world. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I start with a bit of a thespian background. You know, I like a story about a sort of over-earnest actor.

So imagine my delight to read about, I'm going to call him DDL. Calm down, everyone. Daniel Day-Lewis, I'm talking about lewis he's earnest oh is he earnest yeah um he's been doing what i call a bit of a sushi a david sushi because you know when david sushi plays paro he orders he insists on speaking in a french accent and um ddl does the same doesn't he's very into his method but playing abraham lincoln apparently he's been taking the part so seriously that he was texting his co-star um sally field in the character of abraham lincoln which i think sounds quite strange he maintained this well the fact that he was texting as i think he's stretching it a bit now isn't he you think so it must have

got irritated i can really identify with this because when i played romeo for jewsbury arts Steen as I can think of. He's stretching it a bit now, isn't he? You think so? It must have got irritating as well. I can really identify with this, because when I played Romeo for Dewsbury Arts Group, I frequently emailed Friar Lawrence in character. What, looking for a few herbs on the side? I would email Friar Lawrence discussing an apothecary. Yeah, he'd always got a potion if required. He's quite a character.

Yeah, I wonder if in the past he's texted with his big toe. Who, DDL? Yeah, for the My Left Foot. Oh, very good, Frank. It's an odd thing, though. I'd pay a grand to see those texts. I would pay a grand. The thing is that usually these method actors,

their thing is they avoid, if they're playing someone from the past, they avoid all modernness. Can I just say, I love you when you said these method actors. Anthony Sher, when he played Serrano de Bergerac, I think it was. Oh, yeah. Actually, it might not have been him.

Anyway, it might have been Cardinal Richelieu. Somebody French. One or the other. He used to walk up, like, five flights of stairs from the downstairs dressing room because he couldn't use the lift in character because they didn't have lifts at the time and he feels it would have spoilt it.

So the fact that he can text... Yeah, I think it's silly. I find that a bit absurd, yeah. I've seen the trailer. Have you seen the trailer for the Lincoln film? No. I mean, it looks... I mean, he's got the right hat and everything.

Oh, well, that's good. I haven't missed any details. You'd hope not if he's spent the money. He's got the beard and what he's remembered. And the high collar. He's a sole moustache. Oh, lovely. That was the...

To me, that is the symbol of his independence. Well, I call it Armish chic. Armish chic. May I just say as well, though, Frank, you see, I don't approve of method acting. No. Because my mum once told me Johnny Briggs... Is it the late Johnny Briggs?

I think it might be. No, he's still alive. Is it Johnny Briggs? Text in. What was his character name? Mike Baldwin. Mike Baldwin, yeah. He said, when he was at drama school,

he said, you say your lines, you get paid, you go home. Yeah. That was his attitude to acting. And I think that's a very... I totally approve of that attitude. So if we took the two methods side by side, who would you say had done better? Daniel Day-Lewis or Johnny Briggs?

I'm Briggs. That could be next week's texting. Yeah. He probably couldn't have played Mike Baldwin. Oh. He'd have been texting on Pants material Absolute Radio

Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio I used to live near Peckham On the subject of Daniel Day-Lewis And when he was in the film Gangs of New York He learnt how to butcher In a butcher's in Peckham, and they had a little newspaper article up about it,

and the headline was Gangs of New Pork. Which I liked. Tremendous. And a big picture of him with a meat cleaver, like going grrr, and the big moustaches. He's sexy, all the research. Yeah, yeah. I understand that Wilkes Booth, who shot Abraham Lincoln in the theatre,

claimed that he'd fallen asleep and woke up disorientated. I could have been at home watching television. He said, it doesn't work, is what I believe he said. It just doesn't work. It just doesn't work. Why don't they put that on a poster outside the theatre? It doesn't work, Sir Peter Hall. The theatre could do with some more fun merch, couldn't it?

Exactly. You don't want light and dark. You don't just want praise outside. Apparently Daniel Day-Lewis, when he did play Christy Brown in My Left Foot, he stayed in the wheelchair, didn't he? Oh, did he? What, afterwards? What, is that a local hotel? No, after he'd done the wheelchair, didn't he? Oh, did he? What, afterwards?

What, is that a local hotel? No, after he'd done the part, you mean. No, no, like during the recording, like in between takes and stuff like that. Oh, he did a Poirot, yeah. He did the full thing. Because I met an actor who knew another actor who knew another actor.

Was that when you did A&E? When I did Jason the Asthmatic on Always and Everywhere. You've got a lot of contacts in that area. Got a lot of contacts in that world. But apparently he would have the crew lift him over the cables in his wheelchair. That must have been a bit annoying, though. Like if you're a crew

and suddenly you're lifting an able-bodied person. Well, they should have had a ramp for it. This was a long time ago. It was before ramps, wasn't it? It was before ramps, wasn't it? There's always been ramps. I like Frank and his practical Birmingham solutions. Get a ramp. They use ramps

to build the pyramids. Don't tell me it was pre-ramp. Yeah, but I mean, on set, they didn't have, like, wheelchair access. That's modern now, isn't it? Wheelchair access. So he pioneered a disabled awareness. You know what? He's too earnest. He needs to do a nice rom-com.

Reese Witherspoon. I'd love it if he was in a rom-com. Wouldn't you love that, Frank? Danny does rom-com. I think there could be a one-weeker for him in Merlin. I can see him as a trouble. Goody or baddy? I'm thinking probably Associate of Morgana.

Oh. Yeah. What is it even on that, Merlin? What is it on? BBC One. Is that BBC One on Saturday night? I thought it was live on Sky. Is it straight after

or straight before Strictly? It's after, isn't it? It's after Strictly. After the dancing, yeah. Yeah, so you've had the light entertainment and then you get the drama. You see, that's how it goes.

I mean, in a way, that method acting's dangerous. If I'd actually got the part as Miranda's romantic interest, I might have fallen in love with her. Frank, he's still going on about this. Once, about four times a week. You know the part that Gary Barlow took off me, that part? That part.

Anyway. Frank. I'm over it. Before you go... Oh, yeah. Donnie Walker. I would like to talk about

did you see this woman she's got they're just calling her idiot driver I love her so much oh the sign woman the Cleveland woman yes

so did you see what she did she basically she drove on a stretch of pavement in order to overtake a school bus horrifying come on we've all done it

the trouble is outside schools they put those metal piping things outside the gate to stop the kids running out into the road. So it's a tight squeeze.

Oh, is that what that is? Oh, I thought it was decorative. But instead of a kind of stretch and chokie, which is what I would advise quite hardcore about these things, instead they made her wear a sign or carry a sign.

Yeah, carry a handwritten. And what it said, it said... I'll tell you what it says. Go on. It said only an idiot would drive on the sidewalk to avoid a school bus. That's it. And what I didn't like, it doesn't make it clear that it's about her. Yeah, yeah.

That could have been a protester, local parent. Unless it was on the back of the sign and it said, I am that idiot. Maybe. I'm with this idiot. Yeah. What about, Frank? I'm with this idiot, but on the T-shirt,

instead of pointing to one side, the finger points up to her face, to her stupid idiot face. I like the way in which she did it. There was some video. She was so horrible. You know when a kid is forced to apologise and says, sorry, that's what she did. She was chain-smoking angry.

Yeah, she was angry. I've seen people with a golf sale sign that looked chirpier than she did. No, I think it's... I think it should have been something more embarrassing. They shouldn't make you carry a sign with some personal thing that you don't want people to know that really, you know, I'm crippled by sweat rash. If you had to

hold the sign, I'll tell you what I don't agree with, making those people hold those hungry and homeless signs. Yeah, that seems harsh. To me, I mean, that's rubbing salt in the wounds. What crime have they committed? Those people have got enough problems. Yeah. But it was a... Do you think it'll work? I can't

imagine that woman next time thinking, oh, I'd better drive carefully or I'll have to hold the sign again. I think she'd probably like the attention as well. Yeah. She seemed the type. Well, it's rare that I agree with Jezza. You know, TV's Jezza Clarkson. Oh, yeah. Apparently he recently took to

Twitter to use it to expose bad drivers. He put on, like, the driver of the Audi TT with registration is either a terrible driver or a maniac, and started outing them as bad drivers, like tailgating me on the A40

or whatever. As he texts from his phone. Seems like a good use of it, it. Why didn't he phone, how's my driving? Has anyone ever phoned that you so have? You've so phoned how am I driving? No, I've never phoned how's my driving because I just think

I don't have time to coach people. It's only really on commercial vehicles. I'm not a support group for other people's driving. No. I don't see why if they drive or commit any crime, if we're going to say that it seems that custodial sentences is not working as a preventative measure, what about instead of the sign, they have to have the crime tattooed on their faces? Yeah.

Oh, I quite like that. Yeah. That would be quite a deterrent. Or just what you would say, like a doubtful moral character, I think like that. Yeah. That'd be quite a deterrent. Or just what you would say, like, of doubtful moral character, I think would be good. Like, on your forehead. Yeah. So people know when you're coming.

Of doubtful moral character. You'd need a big forehead, wouldn't you? Luckily, I've got a big forehead. You or me would be all right, but there are some members of the community that you couldn't even get doubtful on there. I could have an E by Rudyard Kipling. That largely overrated poet inspirational as well as um as a therapy but would you have it in normal writing or would you have it in mirror writing like on an ambulance so that when you

looked in the mirror you got the inspiration i'd have it in what's that font comedy oh yeah i'd have it in comic sans, yeah. That's the thing. Well, that's the thing about that size. When she's going round with the sign saying only an idiot would drive like this, surely there has to be some uniformity so that if other people commit the same crime, they can have the same penance. Like, are they going to have to bring in rules about font size and stuff? Well, it looked like she'd written her own sign.

Oh. I think so, yeah. It's a bit... I mean, that's a tall order. If you're going to start... That's some craft, isn't it? Well, expecting her to write. Well, in this country,

I don't know what the education system's like in America, but I think the sort of people that get involved in petty crimes, the spelling's going to be... You're not going to know what they're saying. I'd like to go all over the shop, wouldn't I? Yeah, I mean, I don't mean to categorise. What about if people make... What if you make their devil dogs

carry a sign that says, Rescue me from this moron? It's just a thought. Anyway, I feel we've put the world to right in that last link. A rare moment of social responsibility. Yeah, and sorted. Well, if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

It's been lovely to be back after a week's sick leave. And we love you all. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.