The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Frank's Swim

Episode Date: March 24, 2012

This week Frank is joined by Emily Dean and Alun Cochrane. They discuss Frank's Swim. Alun's hair and the jack pot Bus drivers.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Morning. My regular colleagues on this programme.

That's anyone who's never heard it before. Now they feel like, you know, I've brought them in. See, don't take your shoes off. Obviously, we've got a slight moment of paranoia of thinking colleagues. Is that what we're going with, colleagues? I think colleagues is all right. Some DJ people would say my sidekicks think yourself okay co-presenters take that word colleague and cherish it that's my advice thank you anyway um it just before we go any further if you want to text us about anything at all um you can text us on 8 12, because that's our text number. And let's get it out of the way.

I swam a length this week for the first time in my life of the swimming pool. Not to the outsider, particularly impressive achievement. No, I won't have that. But to the frightened middle-aged man, a mountain has been climbed. Even Sandy Waugh is applauding in the other room. It's a soundproof booth, but I know the visual for applause. I won't have you minimising your achievement, because we're all very proud of you this morning, aren't we?

No-one answered. No-one answered in this room. I'll tell you what slightly impaired it for me. When I did it, I got very excited. When my hand actually touched the wall at the end of the swimming pool, I was very excited. And I turned to the crowd, who'd been incredibly supportive. And I was in the crowd, just FYI. And I'm afraid I clenched my fist and said, come on.

Yeah. It was Stuart Peirce. Stuart Peirce style. I was thinking Andy Murray. Worse still, I was thinking something I've seen Andy Murray's mum do quite a lot. And I thought, is that what happens? You learn to swim, you become Andy Murray's mum. Yeah, that would be.

I don't want people saying, every time I'm on telly, saying, is he divorced? I don't want that. Where's the dad? I don't want that going on. And then you splash the water with your fist which i like i went crazy i mean some of the things looking back on now i mean that morning i i took such a time over my shave because i thought it would make me a little

bit more aqua dynamic right in the water and i had um i had a lot of pasta the night before i thought build up the carbs like i was going to do a marathon. Excellent. 25 metres, we're talking. No, can I say there was an element of jeopardy being poolside. I didn't go for flip-flops. I went for chunky heels. Did you? I'm not changing my show for anyone.

I thought that was sensible. There isn't a Veruca in Britain that would have gone through those heels. How have the Verucas dealt with your swimming? I haven't mentioned the Verucas. Have they gone? No, I've just... You never told them about them? I didn't tell them. I thought they'll find out soon enough.

Even though when you first started doing it, we talked about them every week on the radio. I think all the sport relief money I've raised will be spent on the Verruca pandemic I've left behind me. Cleaning the pool. No, but Frank, I would say it was 25 metres, about 20 metres in, there was a will-he-won't-he moment. I have to say, I thought, oh, the lad's tiring.

And it was a moment of genuine jeopardy. No, I took in a bit of water. I could feel it. I thought, I'll blow it out next blow. And it didn't really come out. It was at the back of my throat. And if I was just in the normal training sessions, I say training,

in my lessons, that would have been my panic and stop point. Yeah, well, I saw on YouTube, I was travelling at the time. Oh, dear. And I saw it. And the guy from Liverpool, the teacher, he took quite a stern tone with you

on the bit of footage. And he was going, just don't worry about it. I know. I loved that. That's the whole point. He is worried about it. That's what we all need. That's what we're here for.

At the end of the day, any problem you've got in life ultimately needs someone to say, just pull yourself together. Is it that simple? I've spent years exploring all manner of therapy and i've got that's the conclusion i've arrived at oh yeah in fact at the end of it all the presenters of last night lined up and said we have a message for the three for the third world and that was what they said together in harmony just pull yourself together i thought i thought it was a bit a bit hard really because there are all sorts of political things that they can't do anything about

Frank I'm not done yet I'd also like to discuss Karen Pickering's legs which were extraordinary well okay that's fair enough see women can say

things like that extraordinary specimen and I'd like to tell you what happened when I tried to kiss my girlfriend at the end of my swim so yes

but we won't talk about swimming all day don't worry stay with us. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yes, at the end of the

swim, when I was still elated, I went over there. I did that thing that's slightly embarrassing. Again, I went a bit tennis player. Who was that guy who climbed up to the friends and relatives? Opaque Cash. No. No, he never won, did he? Yes, he did.

Can you text in listeners to support me? No, no, Sandy War is nodding. Thank you, Sandy. Sandy War is like a computer. She knows the answer to everything. He did win. I thought it was the Croatian guy. YouTube better watch your step.

It was Opaque Cash. Okay, well, anyway, that thing. Or when Alex Horican Higgins called his wife and child down and cried with the child. I did that. I went over to kiss my girlfriend, and she was not at all very stand-up. And I said, that was nice of you. After in the car, I said,

that was nice of you not to kiss me in front of the door. She said, I just had this idea that you'd just been swimming and be like child-urine on your lips. It was a good point, I thought. I thought, well, that's fair enough. You can't really argue with that. Meanwhile, back over with Karen Pickering's legs. Ah, yes.

I'm sorry, Frank. Extraordinary. I'd actually be happy to have no torso. If I could have those legs, I'd be like a centaur in reverse. I'd happily do that. A centaur in reverse. I wonder what the sound is for that. You know with the lorry, it's the... The clopping.

Centaur in reverse. She's quite a sight. I should say, in case you're not into swimming and international athletics, Karen Pickering was a very fine international swimmer for Great Britain for 20 years. Gosh, she's got some medals and things. And she was my mentor for this. But she's, yeah, she's a tall girl. But she had shorts on yesterday.

And, of course, I thought everyone would be saying, oh, God, that's Karen Pickering, the swimmer. But Kath and Emily were saying, God, her legs. It's just, you know, 30 years ago, it would have been the men saying that. Yeah. The world's upside down. Apparently.

Pat Cash won in 1987 and climbed up to his dad, Jez Banbury. Thanks, Jez. Thanks, Jez. What can I just say? Good to know that. On the plus side, we've confirmed I'm right. On the minus, we now all know I was around and active in 1987, which is rather depressing.

Well, you might have seen it on YouTube. Someone else has texted saying, 778 has texted Goran Ivanovic, so I think there's a bit of debate about it. No, he did it as well. He did what? He wants to leave Pat Cash's dad alone. If I was Pat Cash's dad, I'd stop going. That's sexual harassment at work, isn't it?

Can I get to the ladies' final this year, Pat? No! You have to get to the men's again. Oh, was it this year? We've had a text in that I thought was a mistake, that it was just one of those texts that people do for radio shows about roads being closed and that sort of thing. Oh, yeah. But it might actually be to do with your swim.

Somebody has texted saying, a Putney High Street blocked due to burst water main. Oh, that would be handy for me. That would be a shortcut. Yeah, exactly. You'd be swimming everywhere by the end of the year, wouldn't you? It's all right, driver. I'm on my own from here.

Where's me goggles? You live close by the river, don't you? I do, but you see, I saw David Walliams last night at Sport Relief. We actually stood talking swimming in the corridor. Obviously I was slightly, as it were, out of my depth. Yeah, but I think he's still got the after effects of swimming in the Thames. Has he? Why? How could you tell?

He had a nappy on. He had an enormous, and may I say, vile-smelling nappy on. See, then again, Kat's so worried about Kat in summer. When that was announced, that swim, the first thing she said to me was, she didn't say it's swimming the Thames, what an enormous achievement that will be. She said, of course it's full of dead

tramps. How can she know that? Makes me wonder about her past. Was she the hobo killer of the 1980s? Oh, they haven't been called hobos for a long time.

Fabulous. And Adrian Charles came to watch. And Adrian Charles, I love, but he was one of the most competitive people I've ever met in my life. And I went back, still dripping into my dressing room, proud, and he was talking to my swimming teacher talking about swimming the channel. Oh, really?

I thought, you just make me look bad, why don't you? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, one thing that I don't do on this show, which many DJs do lots of, is read out complimentary texts. You know, people say, by the way, I love the show. Much to my chagrin.

People have sent a lot of very, very lovely texts about my sport relief swim and I thank you very much but I'm not going to read any out. Thank you, I appreciate it. I've got a text from you that made me weep slightly because I texted you

good luck and I'll be egging you on from afar. Egging me on? I I'll be egging you on from afar. Egging me on? I sounded a bit like an attack on a politician. Excuse me, I was in Glasgow, and then you texted me back saying, thanks, I did it. And I got a bit teary in the street in Glasgow. Oh, the cockerel. But it's a cockerel of all people. I think it's how concise it is. I did it. It's like

you did it. Nobody else did it for you. You did it. Well, I didn't mean it to be an ego trip. I was just trying to save my thumb muscles. You did it. I just got really excited. Oh, that's lovely. I was horrendously hungover and it's easier

for me to cry in those circumstances. Why do people have to take the edge off? Why do I always have to get a edge off it? Why don't you just leave it? Why do I always have to get a code? I am sorry. But yeah, and someone's texted in, can Frank now jump into deep water? Look, Liam, he swam a length. Don't start giving him extra challenges.

I thought that was just an insult. I can jump into, I can jump in, but not into into the deep, deep stuff at the moment. But jumping in is quite a big... It's amazing. I really quite like jumping in. I've never jumped in before in my life. Oh, how exciting. So, in Alan Cochran news... I can do a mushroom float.

What's a mushroom float? Well, you might ask. It sounds like brunch. Exactly, it's in Coca-Cola. Oh, I know. How bad would that be? In Alan Cochran news, I think we probably need to talk about my head, don't we? Well, I wasn't going to mention it. Oh, I have.

Alan has arrived looking like one of the worst quarter of the England supporters club. He's got a Fred Perry shirt and a haircut. He looks a bit like someone of whom neighbours would say, he always kept himself to himself. It is, though. It's an extreme haircut. Well, I've not done the show for a couple of weeks, but here's what happened last week. As you know, I've been trimming my hair with hair clippers

about an inch long all over since Christmas, when I got some clippers. Last week, I thought, oh, I'll just give the hair a quick trim. Shaved from my forehead to my crown on the closest setting it could possibly go because I hadn't checked the settings. And then I looked and just... It was like a lawnmower had gone right through to...

Oh, from front to back. From front to back. And I thought, I'm going to have to take the whole lot off. Why did you do that? You could have had a reverse mohawk. You could have grown it long with that in the middle. I don't think that would fit with my show business career. Then if you met someone with a mohawk

you could lock, you know when you see stags fighting, you could lock together. Like Velcro. Yeah, like Lego. Well, it's funny you should say I'm like Lego because I actually have on the very top of my head like a little, almost like a mole or dimple, pimple

thing that sticks out. Oh God. We can all have a little touch of it after the show. No, I'm good thanks. I don't know if you can see it but we'll, I'll stick my head in front of the webcam later. Do you know what Cockrell, I wish you'd let me know, things do emerge when you dabble with hair.

Things do emerge. Well I got, I must have toldble with hair well I got I must have told you about the time I got my head accidentally shaved incredibly short I went to a hairdresser it's the closest I've ever been in my life to being in a joke, in an actual

old fashioned joke I walked into a barber, a man walked into a barber's, and the bloke said to me, how do you want it cut? And I said, well, I'll have it like yours. Yours looks all right to me. Because I just, you know, he hadn't got a book with the pictures in. I needed some sort of reference. And his hair was about my length now, I guess.

And he said, well, I have number three all over. And I said, well, whatever it is. So he did it, and it was incredibly short. Wow. And I said, but yours is much longer than this. He said, oh, mine's grown out a bit. And it really was like being in a joke. But the great dismay of that is that when I actually got it done,

and I had this thing, that i didn't have any head scars at all oh and if you've got it shaved out of no head scars it means you've had basically a fairly sheltered childhood i always think very gentle life fallen out of a tree or you know anyone no one's ever hit you with a brick and i've all those years of being that kid who just read comic books and played with Thai cowboys all came back to haunt me. Did you find that you were perceived differently for a little while with your hair shaved?

A couple of people actually said, Oh, you haven't got any head scars? I could tell I dropped in their estimation. We'll come back to this. I'd love to hear, by the way, any haircut anecdotes from our listeners because I love haircut anecdotes. Yeah, what a band they were. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Can I just say, Frank, we were talking about the cockerel's hair earlier. I actually think that Sean Locke's look, I think it suits you, because you've got a really brings out your Slavic cheekbones. Slavic? Who's got a good cheekbone? Yeah, he's got a good cheekbone. People are thinking I'm more aggressive.

People are thinking that you're Sean Locke now after the Sean Locke. That's all got confused. People have been saying, oh, you look hard, you look like a hard man, or a bit like an EDL or a football hooligan or whatever. There's a bit of the Vin Diesel about you. Yeah, there really is. There is. I was at an audition the other day and he and I were both in the room.

I was thinking, who's it going to be? Well, you're more Vin on leaded. It's surprising how many people want to tell me that they don't like it. My mum was going on about it, I don't like it. She's from Glasgow, where it is, you know, it's the look. It's de rigueur. I'm not sure it is. It's more a side part and a ginger moustache, isn't it?

See what- And then there's the men. Hey! Hey! Hey! The cockerel's on fire. No, the cockerel's actually on fire. Oh, God, this is a complete nightmare.

I've had a few hair disasters, Frank, myself. Have you? I was hoping that. Oh, thanks very much. No, it's just for solidarity purposes, really. Well, there was a time when my mum insisted I cut all my lovely long hair off. Jealous much much she made me cut it all off and i said i look like juliet bravo and i did and i knew as a child it wp google it

wpc hair is not good i don't think on a woman what child certainly not a child frank my i i like um i like short hair on a child, generally speaking. No, no. No? No good. Especially on boys. See, I think the cropped hair on a boy is good in a small boy. Yeah.

No, it's a bit thawed. I don't want confusion. When I speak to someone about their child, I really want to know whether I'm saying him or her. Oh, well, I don't know if I mentioned this on the show or on the podcast, but when I was in Bermuda, a woman walked up to a desk thing to buy a ticket for a thing, and the person selling tickets went,

oh, and how old is she about this child that had long curly hair in a top knot cascading down? And the mum went, it's a he. He gets that all the time. I was thinking, well, it's not he that gets that all the time i was thinking well it's not he that gets that all the time it's you you've dressed your boy up like a girl you've set him up for horrible fusion that's mean i thought i don't i think my worst one i said uh my uh my girlfriend of the time bought some sun in oh yeah do you remember yes i used it

it was the gift that kept on giving you still get it? Yes, because I wanted it to look like John Taylor, so I used it. It was the gift that kept on giving. You'd put it in and your hair would get yellower and yellower as the son got on it. And she did it. And she was putting it in and I said, what's that? And she said, I'll explain what it was. And I said, I've never dyed my hair. I'll have a go.

And the problem was, not only did my hair come out absolutely yellow like Raya the Rover's, but hers came out exactly the same colour. So we ended up in the worst thing that could happen to any couple, a his and hers look. Like when I once saw two tourists, both in Canadian maple leaf leather jackets. And you're just seeing plenty... I mean, how does that happen? I bet you look like... What about adult twins who dress the same? Oh, that's what I was going to say.

What's going on? They've got to be in show business, or there's no excuse. No, I think... Yeah, show business or the mental health system. It's going to be one of the two. And let's face it, it's a very fine line. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Frank, can I just say that Cockrell and I had a few run-ins. The cockerel and I would be a fabulous autobiography. And it ended with me saying, I hate you since you've had that haircut. You've gone a bit aggressive. It wasn't good. You missed the tension. No, I did miss that.

It was one of my moments when I... It was, if anything, over three and a half minutes, any track, I think that's and a half minutes, any track. I think that's almost a toilet possibility. Okay. I won't try it on less than three. I do adore the Cockerel, really. But we were talking about his haircut

and other people have texted in. We've had a few in... This is 623. My dad took my sister to the hairdresser when she was young and had her head shaved because she used to complain about her hair being brushed. Oh, what? When was this happened?

Men logic problem solved. This happened in 1868. Tune in next week to Extreme Parenting. And then he marched her through the streets of Paris. Wow. She won't moan about that again, will she? He must be Catholic, hadn't he? There's quite...

I'd love to meet that dad. There's quite a few texts coming in that end with, and it was so bad, we both had to cut it all off. That sort of seems to be the natural conclusion. A friend told me lemon juice had the same effect as sun in, so we covered our hair in lemon juice and awaited lovely-looking hair. We were in Australia and the baking sun made it set as hard as a crash helmet. Our hair was completely matted and no amount of washing it helped,

so we both had to have it all cut off. I think we should do the last bit all together. We all had to have it cut off. Any others? Well, that's not the only subject they've been getting in contact about. I say they, like they're an amorphous mass. We're supposed to speak to them direct. Hello.

Hello. Have you got any jam? All right. So that's one of the first rules of radio. You never say they about the listeners. You always say you. Oh. I know.

We break those rules, don't we? But if you listen to the people who presumably adhere closely to the first rules of radio, they're all rubbish. So I don't think we should worry about it too much. Frank, we've actually had some emails in. Do you remember last week we were talking about or devising a sitcom based on the premise of you living next door to the Archbishop of Canterbury? I mean, I do live

next door to the Archbishop of Canterbury. It just cropped up. If that was a sitcom, what would it be called? And we had some very fine suggestions. They're not done yet. We've had some more. We've had Martin Williams 131. Martin Williams.

Well, this is rather extraordinary. He says, Frank and Emily, maybe you can involve your new baby in the sitcom. Aye, aye. And if it's a boy, the show could be called Two and a Half Amen. It's a good title, but there's someone who's taken the Ann Diamond and Nick Owen route to thinking they must be married. He's taken the Anne Diamond and Nick Owen route of thinking they must be married. Yes, I am having a child, but Emily wasn't involved in any marriage.

Why do you say that? I think you held my trouse. Oh, my God! That's a good one. That's a good one, Martin. Actually, if Martin was in it instead of me, living next door to the archbishop it could be called rowan and martin's laughing oh that's good i like that you're going

for a williams thing google it oh yeah they're both called williams as well another suggestion from michael from rugby i want to date a boy from rugby um might i suggest everybody needs god neighbors pretty fine there's already oh we've got theme tunes already sorted yeah i always think might I suggest Everybody Needs God Neighbours very fine theme tunes already sorted I always think of using when I did the run with John Bishop as I mentioned they gave me a load of clothing that said Bishop's Week

of Hell I wondered if we could call it that then I could use that as end of series gifts seems a bit of a waste simple version and we've just had one more in today 326 serious gifts. Seems a bit of a waste. Simple version. And we've just had one more in today. Three, two, six.

Back to last week. How about Chaplin Fantastic and the South Bank Cowboy? That's from Foxy. Chaplin Fantastic. Oh, yeah, Chaplin Fantastic. And the South Bank, because I live on this. Oh, man, that's elaborate. That's brilliant. I was thinking a nice simple. What about Canterbury Tales? Oh, yeah. Just simple. That's good. But I think it might have been, might have gone

that one. Or plaintiff. The first time ever I saw your grace. Anyway, you had to spoil it with your own one. You ego. Dwight, you couldn't just let the listeners, you had to spoil it with your own ones, you ego. You couldn't just let the listeners, you had to have some of your own. Yes. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We've had an email in that I'm not sure I was on the show that this is referring to. I was interested to hear on a recent podcast. One of the Cockerels Corporates.

To my shame, I've had a few text messages this week from people saying, you know, you're in the Evening Standard. I must have been doing a corporate and I'm in a picture in the Evening Standard in a story about advertising, not even about my career. Oh. Are you in a suit and tie? I think so, yeah. Like my secret in the script.

Oh, no, not with that haircut. It looked like a court appearance. No. That'll be next week. That'll be next week's pictures. Anyway, this gentleman has texted, emailed in, I was interested to hear on a recent podcast, brackets, I'm a bit behind. That's the joy of the podcast, though, isn't it?

You can catch up on them and keep them all moving at a different pace. In that respect. In many ways. But your grandad came from West Cornforth, or Doggy as it's known locally. Knowing the village, I can confirm that your working class credentials are impeccable. Are they? I don't think that was ever in any doubt. Is that a slight dig at West Cornforth?

You know, they're certainly impeccable. That's for Graham. Why is it called Doggy, then? Oh, we were hoping you could like that. What about that for a texting? Why is West Cornforth County, Durham, called Doggy? I love it. This is the sort of stuff that puts a radio show on the map.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio, and I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran and you can text us on 81215. All the business done in one breath.

Well done. And they have been texting, haven't they? You breathe from your diaphragm now. I think the phrase you're after is, you have been texting. Oh, I'm sorry, I can't get my head around this inclusive thing. We're the only radio station in the country with a third-person audience.

This is from David. He says, we were talking about disastrous haircuts earlier on, in the light of the Cockerell's clippers mishap. Not that this is a disaster. No, I actually really like it, I told him. It's very Joe Nesbo, he looks now. You should see how little I've got in my wash bag when I travel. Well, I've heard that.

Not a euphemism. David says, as a youngster, I had very thick, fair hair that looked like the androgynous guitar player in the Mud Rock Band. Oh, that was Rob... something. They'll text in. Yeah. Well, the rest look like... I'm doing it on purpose now.

The rest look like shawody-wody, and he was... There used to be a thing in the 70s, you'd have one camp guitarist. If you remember, Sweet had got that one, they used to say, we just haven't got a clue what to do. But that guy, Rob... They're from Strokes. Rob Thingy from Mod, I believe he wrote...

I just can't get it out of my head. He went on and became like a pot. Did he? Yes. So, you know, you might think that silly man. Anyway, so this bloke had hair like that. He did. This was in the pre-product era.

Oh, God. Lovely use of product. How did you cope, Pam, in the pre-product era? The only way to control it was to leave it unwashed, so the natural grease acted as a form of emollient product. Ooh, that's very sting. I'm now 50, and I think I've only ever

had one decent haircut. Frank, can you give me the name of your barber, as over the last few years he's done a good job from a tricky base. Nice. Well, I don't know his first name His surname is Topper

Would that be Mr? Mr Topper is how I know him It's quite a formal arrangement that we have I like the fact that this gentleman's admitting to having only had one good hair That's part of the thing Because me having shaved my head People are upset But looking back on it

I reckon I've probably had five good hair days in my whole life. Good hair days? Five? They've been really random. It's not like I've had anything to do with that. It's just fluke. So why not just not bother chasing it and get rid of the lot? That's the way I'm looking at this. In the light of this text from David,

what I'm going to do, David, you see I'm addressing him directly. What I'm going to do, David, is I'm going to keep now a record of how many good haircuts I have for the rest of my life. Yeah, that's a good idea. And I'm going to put a column in my journal which might never be filled. Although I'm happy with the Topper family.

They're looking after me. They're looking after me all right. Oh, I really want to hear something uplifting and invigorating and emotional. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Frank, it's time for your favourite moment of the week. It's only Fashion Corner.

Thank goodness. It's been a while. We've had hair, but I like some... We've had hair's only Fashion Corner. Thank goodness. It's been a while. Well, we've had hair, but, yeah, I like some... Well, we've had hair, but Fashion Corner with Alan Frank and Emily. There's no beating it. I'd like to talk about Kate Middleton this week. I don't know if you boys spotted,

but she was seen out wearing... I'm not going to be trying to, but she was recycling. She was wearing her mother's old blue Yes, I did say that. Daily Mail called it a shift dress. It's not, it's a coat dress. It was double-breasted. You can't call it a mother's old blue dress. It wasn't like

old, like, mothy and tatty. It was quite a nice dress, wasn't it? Her mother's, it sounds like she was shabby chic or something. I'm not keen on a double-breasted. You're not, Frank. I always... My heart slightly aches for the half-concealed lapel.

Oh, I know what you mean. They really get the short straw down there, the lapel at the back. You know, it's sort of the Nick Clegg roll. Yeah. The other lapel is, hey, look at me, the lapel. You might notice there's a bit of a lapel just stopped behind me.

Why do they call it double-breasted as well? Because it goes across both breasts. OK? Oh, God, I just said it so that I could get Emily to say breasts. I'm happy now, that'll do more. That's a low point in your life, Frank. But, yeah, so I thought she looked nice. She was rattling around in it somewhat.

Well... And she's rather... No, she was. I like the idea of rattling around in a dress. In many ways, Kate Middleton, although I love her heartwarming smile, is the worst possible role model you could have. Because what you don't want is a female figure in the public eye

who the thinner she gets, the prettier she gets. It's the absolute worst thing. So what I'm saying is that she must be destroyed. Hang? No, not really. That's probably treason, isn't it? I thought she looked beautiful in that dress. I think it's that and burning down shipyards.

I could still be hanged. But I do have a slight problem with pre-loved wear, as I call it. Yes, I don't like the... I don't like how other people sweat. I'm a bit phobic about that. It's her own mother, though. I think her mother's sweaty. She was made from that woman's sweat, in a way. The tracksuit top I've got on used to be Andy Murray's mum's.

That's fine, isn't it? It looks exactly like you, except you look a bit more uh feminine i like the fact that she'd uh and oh kelsey priest you are gonna hate this but it's sort of to me it proves that you know fashion's not that like time sensitive is it two years ago that's the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard in my entire life. You are tearing down the very, very fundamentals of Emily's existence. It was two years ago that her mum wore the dress. I think it was 2008 dress, if I remember right. It's called a classic.

Exactly. It's called a perennial, okay? That's slightly different, like a navy blazer. The only people that fashion matters season by season to are fashion journalists and shoppers in tk maxx where it says on the label past season like nobody else is that bothered i'm not going to have a fashion discussion with the cockerel when he's wearing a fred perry with a rainbow trim it's nice it's quite san francisco i like it i have to. I think it's sort of like Maude Pride.

Fred Perry with a rainbow trim. I think one could say in times of recession that she's done a wonderful thing to recycle. Good example, yeah. I'm all for frugal royalty. I mean, he was great in The Undertones. And I like it because it sort of, it might put the end to the phrase hand-me-downs because I suppose if she's got it off her mum then it is a

hand me down isn't it but i have no but it's gone from a commoner to a member of the royal family it's a hand me up it's a hand me up but i have hand me ups as well where like sometimes i have hand me acrosses where i'll get something off my brother that's not a hand me down or a hand me i don't know is he your older brother he He's younger than me, but bigger. Well, that's a tricky one, isn't it? How on earth did that happen? You've gone against that. You must have seen that drawing of the ascent of man.

We all have a duty to stick with that. You can't just start changing your size. That's ridiculous. I have loads of hand-me-acrosses. I gave him my jacket last year in a drunken moment. I get a bit garrulous when I'm drunk. He admired a jacket that he'd borrowed for the day and I went, have it! And then last time I was at his house, I took it back.

Yeah, what you have there is Cockerel Drunk and Cockerel Sober. In essence. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank, we've heard from our Keith this morning. Thank goodness. In case you don't know the show, our Keith is, well, he's our Keith. He's my brother. First of all, he says, well done last night, bro.

Lovely, thank you. Then he says, only two haircuts in 20 years and they were in pubs you see now i know that that is definitely from our case i love our key very fine it explains quite a lot about our kids hair um good morning to you keith yeah good morning uh on. On the subject of Kate Middleton's... Can I just say that a switch from our Keith to Kate Middleton is a great saw through the British class system. Well, do you and he share stuff?

Do you ever, like... He did once... I remember he had a herringbone overcoat. Lovely. And I said to him, I like that overcoat, and he just took it off and gave it to me. Really? Yeah. Nice. Isn't that... He never asked for it back when he was sober as well, can I say that?

You know why? Because he's never been sober since. That was 30 years ago. No, he's big hearted. I like that. I like to hear this. I've had a really good yield this year with hand-me-downs and acrosses and stuff that I want that other people don't. One man's junk is another man's treasure, isn't it?

I turned up at my friend Daniel's house in January or February, whenever it was, cold, and he went, Oh, do you want a coat? This has never happened in our friendship before. He'd bought a new coat and he's got a bit of a tummy and it stuck out on the tummy. So he said, do you want to try this coat on? Brand new.

What he should have done is he should have tried it on before purchasing. No, he'd bought it online and he'd already actually arranged with the seller to send it back saying it doesn't fit. When you say the seller, he bought it online from eBay. So it was third hand by this stage. No, it wasn't from eBay. It say the seller, he bought it online from eBay. From America. From America. No, it wasn't from eBay. It was from Spiewak, I think, the coat maker in America. Spiewak.

Yeah, so there. So he gave me that. When I have a boy, I'm going to name him Spiewak. He gave me that basically because he couldn't be bothered to send it back. What a fabulous result. The sort of friend that you want, innit? Do you still wear that cap? Yeah. I haven't got it back. What a fabulous result. Which is the sort of friend that you want, isn't it? Do you still wear that cap? Yeah. I haven't got it today. It's too nice.

Oh, yes. I mean, the coat's too nice. To waste on the likes of us. I mean, the weather's nice. I've been given a bag by my mum. I was literally in the shops with my mum. I said... A handbag.

I think I'll get a holdall. I'm going to do some travelling. You know, I'm always on the road. And she went, I've got a hold all that you can have. She's mental. And I've had loads of stuff. I've had a really good deal. We're only getting Cockerell's side of the story on this.

Exactly. Isn't it more, you haven't got a hold all. You got a coat, Daniel. I'm calm. You haven't got any coats at all. No. And I've given away a few things as well I've been handing it about

I gave my brother a coat the one that I stole the coat back off you'd slot into the Middletons I beg to differ no I agree I think I would I thought wearing your mum's dress not you this is Kate Middleton never gone back

I thought there was an act of cruelty about it because she must have known that there would be a picture of her mom next to her in the same dress and obviously she's an older woman she's had children then she next to this woman who's you know this society beauty yes there's a hint of you know dorian gray's attic about it all going to be there for the poor mother. The belt looked like a few additional holes had been made in the notches. Oh no, not out in the garden with the hammer and nail.

Oh dear. No, I felt a bit sorry for the mum. It's like, you know, the replica shirt dilemma, something designed for professional athletes. Oh yeah. Worn by drinkers. The rugby's the cruelest on that ground, isn't it? Because it's lycra and it grips them. And then you put it on the sort of men that go and watch rugby.

It's a mistake. My advice? Let's do with a scarf. Yeah. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. We had a text from somebody who was suggesting another Frank Skinner living next door to the Archbishop of Canterbury. Sitcom with Frank outraged by local planning decision in favour of Archbishop's extension. Frank incensed with mirth. We had another text on 941. Alan was saying how much he was enjoying the sunshine 941 says sunshine not all good cats knocked off shelf wear when chasing light spots reflected from wristwatch on my typing hand you see the people those people live in sc Scandinavia where it's dark for about 14 hours.

They don't know what they're looking at. Their cats must be falling off the wall all summer. Six months long. Wouldn't there be no light, though, would there? At the moment, I don't know. But I thought they got long summers and then, like, dense darkness. This is a good bit, this. I'm enjoying this bit.

It started well. This is where radio bit, this. I'm enjoying this bit. It started well. It's where radio becomes thinking aloud, isn't it? Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Alan. Yes. You know how much I enjoy the good fortune of others. So I was delighted to read about the bus driver syndicate.

Oh, God, yes. Who scooped. They all scoop in lottery stories, don't they? They do. Oh, I like that together, my boys. 38 million. Big prize money wins and pick and mix. They're the main scoop in areas.

They might have even scooped a cool 38 million. Oh, yeah. When they do that, that's the best ever when it's cool. A cool 38 million. But one of the bus drivers, did you read about this? Mid-shift, he stopped the bus and told all the passengers to get off. And I thought that was rather brilliant, actually. Was that the second he found out?

Yes. Oh, brilliant. Not another foot on this bus am I going to go. off and i thought that was rather brilliant is that the second he found out oh brilliant not another foot on this boss am i gonna go there not even press and accelerate for a moment longer i respect it as honesty people always say it won't change me and three weeks later they're driving around in a ferrari with the cheeky girl i like that he's like no it's going to completely change me i want nothing more to do with. I wonder if he suddenly became quite friendly and stuff as well. Has he switched off his bus driver-ness? Well, it's an incredible 3.1.

I must say, they went very clichéd in their celebrations. They squirted the champagne in the air, F1 style, which I always hate. Was it champagne or was it what I call almost champagne? Well, whatever it was, there must be people in the third world thinking I'd love a glass of champagne and it's just being wasted in the West. Do you think that's good to be doing that? Sport Relief Week? They should be ashamed of themselves. And they got the big check out, of course. Like the big check. I like the photograph of them as well because what one of them's done is put shades on

to look a bit you know love free winner lifestyle but he's still got his little anorak on well when i saw the shades i didn't think that i thought i i benefit cheat they did they didn't know he was on the buses in the in the on the bus is blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, good. No, but the big cheque, it's out of date. Nobody. Who writes cheques?

When's the last time you wrote a cheque, Alan? No, I can't remember. They can't have a giant chipping pin. Why not? That's the next thing. A massive,

great banker's order. Yeah, how do we represent the transfer? I know it's difficult. Wouldn't it be amazing if they won it again next week? Typical.

Like bus wins. Like buses are. Bus wins? Bus wins doesn't even make sense. I'd hate to win the loft, really. I wouldn't like it. I like bus wins. You'd hate to win it? Yeah. Because I wouldn't want to pose with my leg aloft, and you have to do that. You do have to. Is that a rule? Yeah, of course it is.

You have to show a bit of thought. You'd have to hold a big check. You'd be covering champagne and you'd have a leg aloft. It's not good for the brand, Frank. No, it's terrible. It's like being Sophie Anderton. It's a terrible night out. But they left this woman out, didn't they?

No, they didn't leave her out. She withdrew from the syndicate, didn't she? Oh, did she? She was one of the ones, I think there was 12 that set up the syndicate. Hazel, she's called. Hazel Loveday or something like that. Is it wrong? Yeah.

Nice name. Nice good names, yeah. And she pulled out of it. Sorry, broke single mother. Carry on defending them. Yeah. I'm a fan of the broke single mothers. I grew up with one at various points.

But, yeah, she pulled out of the syndicate because it was £2 a week and she thought, well, I can't afford that. And then they've won and they've said, no, we're probably not going to give her any. Or one of them said, well, if we do, it'll be a private matter. Hazel's a nice girl.

And I quite liked it. I liked the fact that they've won and they're immediately slightly media aware. No, no, that'll be a private matter. We're not going to tell you first. I mean, for me, is Hazel any more entitled to a handout from the bus drivers than any other single mother, unemployed single mother? Yes, because she put in over the years. No, she put in. She pulled out six months ago.

Don't you two start having a go at me. I won't tolerate it. This is like, and you'll be with me here, girls. When the ex comes back, the ex who dumped you comes back, expects a night of physical activity and then goes away again. I'm sorry, but if you withdrew, goodbye. You don't come back and say, oh, I have... Is she going to come back and say, here's those two quids?

Yeah, oh, yeah, I bet they are. Get out, Hazel. You had your chance and you blew it. If they do decide to privately give her money, I hope they give her it in change. Here's some pound coins. Yeah, but if they do that, you'll know it's been nicked from the boss machine.

Whatever they give her, whatever they give her, Hazen will go home and thought, well, it's not much out of 3.1 million. They're in a no-win situation. I have to say, one of the 3.1 million winners said he's told his wife she can have anything she likes. What I would ask for is a book voucher for 3.2 million. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Tell you what I really liked about the bus driver lottery winners is that one of them was asked if they would give any money to that Hazel Loveday, and he said, you've got to be in it to win it. I love a cliche coming true. If he'd then shrugged his shoulders and said, it's a lottery, isn't it? I would have loved that. I like that he's gone corporate man already.

Has there ever been a better example of you've got to be in it to win it? It's a bit like at Christmas time, you sent me a Christmas card and I had a weird moment of going, I'm literally on Frank Skinner's Christmas card list. Exactly. You actually are. You're on the stickers. There's probably someone that works in, like,

the Navy on the radar and when they hear about a new band, they go, oh, no, they're not on my radar. No. And then they are. I like a cliche coming true. of the uh the drivers said that he's got everyone has said they're going to buy a lamborghini and go on holiday someone's going to go to graceland of course a posh slap up meal was mentioned yeah and and one of them charles connor said he wants to learn a language and join a golf club

no way he's gonna have a few bob left over. How much are those Rosetta Stone CDs? Not very expensive at all. Oh, dear. So, anyway, my highlight of the week, before we go, was Simon Cowell. Because did you see this? Tom Jones claimed that he was offered Britain's Got Talent.

Then he turned it down. And Simon Cowell denied it. And he said, I think he must be comparing us with opportunity knocks is what he said and of course he meant confusing and he said it's that moment when you say the wrong word it's in all the papers and uh he's trying to suggest that tom jones a bit seen on that he's got the word wrong oh you know when you oh man i can't and you know? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back this time next week. Goodbye. Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.