The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Friend of the Show

Episode Date: February 1, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank tells the team about his Birthday week and why he's back to real books. They discuss Andy Murray and Carol Vorderman's week in the news. Plus, a friend of show gets in touch.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can just email the Absolute Radio website. You know, hello. Hello. Morning, Peter. Morning, everyone. Oh, stop that. Immediately. Oh, it takes me back

to my childhood. So, here we are. I had, I'll tell you what I did this week. I think, let me see if I can find the significant jingle. OK.

Might not be able to, but it... Friend of the show! Oh, yeah. I had a bit of a friend of the show experience because I was presenting an award, which is always... It's nice, really. It's second best to winning an award,

but it's above being nominated for an award and not winning one. That's awful. Because you don't have the bitterness and despair of not winning it. I think I would probably like it best out of all. There's no gamble, is there? It's just fun.

And it shows that you've achieved a certain status, that you're being asked anyway. Well, my argument about... I spoke a bit about, because I was presenting the Outstanding Achievement Award. Right. And my whole,

the whole thrust of my speech, or at least the initial thrust. You should say what these awards are. Oh, sorry, they're called the South Bank Show Awards. Oh, yeah. And they were at

the Dorchester Hotel in Park Lane, London. Nice. I actually got into... Caesar dog food awards or something. I got into a car and said, the Dorchester, please, which is great.

Oh, my God, you were me for a day. Yes. It was lovely. And I... So, yeah, so sort of my main point was the Outstanding Achievement Award is the best award. There's no point beating around the bush. If the other ones,

if they were outstanding achievements, they would have the word outstanding in them. Yeah. But I did point out that I felt being asked to present the Outstanding Achievement Award is so prestigious, it's better than winning one of the other awards. Exactly, and if that helps you get through the night,

brilliant. I think it's true. It's such a big award. How did the other winners feel about that, do you think? Well, ironically, my brother-in-law was one of the other winners. Really? But I think, you know, it's good to win, but you feel, you know, you can always be a bit of a flash in the pan

and win an award, but not with an outstanding achievement. What are you? It's the difference between, like, you know, beating a Premier League team in the FA Cup and then actually winning the league, you know. It's all about consistency. The O.I., as I call it. You meant your brother-in-law.

I thought you meant our Terry for a minute. No, that's my brother. He didn't get anything this year. But, yeah, it was nice to do it. And the Outstanding Achievement Award went to Tracy Hemming, who is is of course a friend of the show. She is. It's like sort of presenting Nogget

with something. In case you don't know by the way that Nogget is someone who texts into us a lot. Yeah. Maybe if he wins a comedy award. If there's a texting in category one year Nogget would be up there, I would have thought.

Yeah, but we could find out Nugget could be a pseudonym for someone. Yeah. It could be Seinfeld. It could be Tacey Emin. Yeah. It's like when Ronnie Barker sent his own sketches in under a different name. It could be that, couldn't it? It could be.

Yes, he did, didn't he? What was the name? I can't remember. Was it Reginald something? I don't know. But you know what? Beautifully. Sandy Warrell knew.

Well, Nugget will know as well. So we've come full circle. I think it's Reginald come full circle. Someone will know. It's Reginald or something. Okay. Okay. Anyway. So it was a fabulous event with all sorts of...

It's one of those, because it was the arts. There's all sorts of people there. Who was there? Ken Loach got up. Oh, lovely. Can you imagine that? Love Ken Loach. Was it in London's Glittering London?

Yes. It was at the Dorchester. All Yes, it was at the Dorchester. It was at the Dorchester in Oldham. All right. Although I did want to go to a gig at Caesar's Palace, Luton. Did you? Yeah, so it was very fine. And Tracy got up and spoke about the radio show and texted in.

So, oh, it was lovely. And all the artistic people were having a nice time. And the goodie bag I really enjoyed. Really? Yeah, it was a sketch pad and some rather high-quality drawing equipment. Nice.

That makes a nice change, doesn't it? You can give those to our Kath, because she likes a bit of a drawing. I'm thinking now on the strength of this, I'm going to start drawing stuff. I'm surprised you haven't already, because one of the first long conversations we had was about how many pencils you'd bought from a pound shop. Yeah, but they're HB.

And they're good for scribbling, but there's a limit to the shading in them that you can do with an HB. It's a big job. But these ones, there's actually some of those sticks of charcoal that you used to have at school. Oh, wow. I think I'm on the verge of something. I might bring it in and start sketching scenes from the show.

Yeah. I mean, we've got a webcam. It could be considered regressive. What sort of scenes from the show? You know, illustrations from my book, The Frank Skinner of the Radio Years. No, it's sort of a, you know, illustrations from my book that Frank Skinner, the radio, he is. No, I think that would be alright. You know, Year of the King, Anthony

Cher, when he illustrates it with his own drawings. Yes. Anyway, music. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. Don't be sorry. I have to interrupt Tales of Your Awards ceremony because we have some news in from a doctor.

Oh, God. You think you'd have contacted me directly? Not just sent the results into the show. It's the new NHS that's trying to save money. Is this French for the NHS? I mean, come on. Come, come. This is the new NHS indirect, in which

they send your results to friends and people who know you can then tell you. This is an interesting story. This is from Harry. He says, Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, yesterday evening... A doctor called Harry. Hold on a minute. This is Harry Hill, isn't it? Yesterday evening, I did something...

Oh, Mr Harry. ..of which I am most proud. Oh, OK. I'm going to watch telly. No. Whilst waiting for the tube, a fellow passenger fell unconscious onto the track and was unresponsive.

I was shocked by the inaction of other passengers and so jumped onto the track and lifted her out. She was pretty injured. I won't go into it. She was pretty, comma, injured. I won't go into it on what he called Because let's face it, you wouldn't take that kind of risk for an ugly person if they jumped on. He says I won't go into it on Breakfast TV.

I'm hoping that's a joke because we reference readers and watching. Or maybe he sent it into Lorraine as well, but I don't know. Imagine it's done the rounds. But I had to administer some basic first aid on the platform oh look this is a man isn't he covering himself for a further further uh court case uttering the horribly archaic line i am a doctor like i was tom baker or something she was fine in the end and the ambulance staff took her to hospital to be checked over. My predicament is thus. Despite this being one of the best things I've ever done, nobody I knew was around to see it.

I told my girlfriend I got a hero's reception from her. She played various hero's based songs to me. Oh, lovely. David Bowie included. Holding out for a hero. But other than that... Look for the hero inside yourself. Nobody knows.

In fact, I think it's better this way, and that the anonymous good deed is perhaps the one with the greatest merit and nobility. Agreed? However, a nameless mention on absolute would make me feel like Perseus. Kind regards, 275. Okay. Well, that is obviously... What do you think, Frank? I think it's a brilliant thing to do.

Yeah. Clearly. I do think, as it says in the New Testament, that with all good doing things, don't let your left hand know what your right hand's doing. Do them secretly. That's what it says in the New Testament. Yeah, that's where that's from.

Is it really? Yeah. I thought it said there'll be great pestilence or something. It also maybe says that as well. OK. This is a different bit. OK. It's like a modern version of it.

Have you seen, there is available on the internet there is a compilation of everyday heroics, of people doing things exactly like that of people collapsing onto tracks and people jumping on and rescuing them, with sort of

moving music played over it it's rather fabulous so maybe he could add himself to that with a bit of editing. Just put himself on the end, like slightly different quality. Oh, there's no film of it. There will be film of it, of course. They film everything. CCTV.

What he needs to do is get in touch with the London travel people. He could do it next week when they're on strike. It'd be quite dear for them. Yeah, they'll probably let him go in on a quiet day and sift through the CCTV. Through the video. Yeah. And then that's going to be a lovely thing you'll have forever. I think if you save someone's life,

the best, you know, at least they can do is let you get a bit of footage. And I love a grainy screen grab in a frame. Yeah, I'd want, I'd certainly want the person I'd save to know that I'd save them. I would. Because you want an Androcles and the Lion type set up that if ever

you were being, say, attacked by hooded youths and this woman was, you know, one of their girlfriends, that she'd say, no, no, stop, this man won't save my life. That's basically why I'd be doing it, a sort of urban insurance. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Cockrell was just saying, wouldn't it be good if, having read out the story about the heroic doctor, everyone could send in their fabulous heroic things that they've done in their lives? And a version of that has happened. Fabulous. My mate got run over outside his local

by a getaway driver from a bank robbery. He was only nipping home for his tea. My mate, not the robber. Anyway, it was caught on the pub CCTV and the landlady gave private viewings in the back room to the rest of the regulars while my mate recovered in hospital. See? It's a version of it, hasn't it?

Yeah. I love that woman. Yeah, but what was the nature of the event? Was it a celebration of the fact that he accidentally got knocked over by a bank robber? Yes. Well, one would imagine so. I like... Local stuff's always more exciting on the telly than stuff...

You always want to see the shop, you know, the shop from round the corner on the telly. Oh, so exciting. But it's your manner, Frank. Your manner on the news there's nothing better but you should surely you should want to see places that far away that you'll never see in the flesh oh no it's like in the newspaper and it's surely world news is the bit that most people skip but i don't know by the way it's like when you get more excited when i'm on this morning isn't it well yeah you like things like that no it's true no World News is the worst news. Yeah. Of all.

Thanks. They don't put the funny stories in from the world, do they? But there's always been a queue in Angola. We know that. We sort of know that, you know, in our heart of hearts. So, I don't know what we're supposed to do about it. Is that the last bit you go to on the website when you're reading Daily Mail? I never go to World News at all. Don't you?

No. What has the world got to do with me? Is this... No, they've texted him, yeah. Gerald Wiley, by the way. Gerald Wiley, of course. That was Ronnie Barker's pseudonym. Ah.

It should have been pseudonym. Can I just say, this is a wonderful countdown moment between you two. Alan actually shook a pen whilst he said it. He went, Gerald Wiley, and shook a pen whilst he told you it was Gerald Wiley. I enjoyed it. Yeah, I did. The Guardian. Anyway, what else?

It was my birthday on Tuesday. Oh, thank heavens I remembered. Did you text him? I did. So did I. You know what? It was really good. You know, I'm sort sort of i don't do

presents anymore yeah even for your birthday i thought it was christmas no but it was for my birthday as well because uh well my cath um for new listeners that is my partner she um she used to make such a fuss about presents she's very Yeah, but she used to spend a lot of money and get really stressed out about it and basically complain to me about that stress and cost. And in the end there was no pleasure in it. Even though she bought brilliant presents

I felt like I'd been beaten up at the end of the unwrapping. So, um, even this year she suddenly sprung a piece of original manga art on me, which I didn't much care for. And I accidentally mentioned that, and that went very badly. What? What are you saying?

Is it a problem with presents, or you're receiving of presents? If you're going to give someone a risky present, don't leave the price on, because if there's any doubt about the present, they'll look at the price and think, well, you could have got... No, you will do that. I could have had vouchers to this value. But I felt bad about it after, obviously. But now that's passed and I feel alright about it

again. I think it's just a matter of keeping your nerve. Is it like Robert Mugabe feels bad about things, briefly? Do you think Robert Mugabe does feel bad about things? I don't know. I'll ask him. I'm seeing him next week. Do you think last thing at night he lies down and just before he reaches out for the bedside lamp he thinks to himself

I'm so tempted to do the voice. I know you are. Can you do the voice? No, because I like doing this show. Don't. No, I think it's alright. Anything to himself? No, don't do the voice. An easy fix for this. Don't do that robert mcgarvey in bed saying although i've actually executed several people today

you know if you're going to make an omelette good night elizabeth And then he puts the... It's Elizabeth Mugabe, is it, the wife? Is it? I don't know. I don't read the world news. Oh, no, I think... No, she writes a column in The Lady, which I regularly read. Assumed to be Emily Mugabe. Fingers crossed.

Oh. Do you think so? Well, put it this way. He's second on the list next to Kim Jong. Would he have more than... He's not a more than one wife man, you see. I don't think he's particularly rule-bound when it comes to things like that. Not a good texting. This is nice.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute radio. It's a difficult thing, because I was more upset that Kath had spent 60 quid. I didn't want her to spend 60 quid on me, that was the truth of it. And also, I think if you buy... I think she was pressured into it. I think the people she was with that day said, Oh, Frank will love that. He'll

love it. So she bought it. And I don't like her bending to social pressure. And also Frank will love that. It's usually wrong. Oh, it's so easy to buy a Gifford, aren't you? Do you know what I mean? People kept saying to me, oh, have you seen that Donnie Darko? You'll love it. Oh my God, I hated that film. You'll love it. And so many people said you'll love it. I went and saw Donnie Darko and I came out. Not only did I not like the film i was genuinely insulted who was i frank what was that all people in rabbit outfits with all rc

haircuts i thought you'd like it with your rabbit ears hey what about that might want to explain what this chat's about to some of the readers that emily's got one of those rabbit ear phone protector things that if you drop them the phone can't break because it's got rabbit ears and you said you ever dropped a rabbit you said you said you didn't believe me and thought i was lying and i told you that i'd raised it with my therapist i didn't yes i didn't quite say that i think what i actually said was in all the conversations we've had this is the first time when i've genuinely felt that you were lying to me. And now I'm going to have to spend another eight minutes discussing this with my therapist.

No, because the point of that, it's like when you get one person in the audience not laughing. What you have to concentrate is all the people who are laughing. There's always one person who doesn't laugh at you all night. And just forget them. Why is it always you? The point I was making was that I believe everything you tell me. Apart from that rabbit ear sting.

No, you said it again. Oh, sorry. Did I tell you I was walking in this morning? I walked in across the London centre. It's dark when I walked in. Yeah. And it's an interesting time of the day. It was like, it would be about half six, quarter to seven.

Very Gypsy's Tramps and Thieves. Well, it's that time of the day where... I was propositioned by a lady the night when I came in at one point. I think I discussed that with you. Were you really? No, I didn't get anything like that. Not on my back. Have I ruined your story?

No, no, no. I'll tell you what I did see. I saw a big man with a pointy... pointing an umbrella into a casino door. What? Into the casino, and shouting, you are a sinner, you are a sinner, at the man who was on the front desk.

I enjoyed that. And it's a fabulous time when last night hasn't yet become today. So there's some people from last night who was quite scary and drunk and menacing. And then there's people from today in high-vis jackets, like, brushing things. And, you know, and tourists who are still on the jet lag thing. And it's all mixed up together. It's very, very lovely.

You're a sinner! You're a sinner, he kept saying. I think it was Ian McMillan. By the way, can I ask you this? Yes. What's the month that begins today? February.

February. But I've got a funny way of saying it. No, I've worked out. Let's all say it. February. February. February. Right. We all say it the February. February. February, right. We all say it the same. Should it not be February? Yeah.

No. What happened there? What happened there, then? It should, I think. I heard an American say it this morning. He said February 1st. Yeah. For the same reason it's not Leicester Square. No, but that really...

No, it is Leicester Square. That should be Leicester Square. It feels but that really... No, it is Leicester Square. That art... It should be Leicester Square. It feels like I should have been saying that art for years. I might have to walk around going... to replace all the arts that I have to say every time I say February. I'm going to... From now on, it's February for me. Well, you've got a hero.

I'll tell you in a minute. You've got a hero? A hero's texted in. OK, well, let's... I'm holding out for that. OK. Frank? Frank Skinner. You've got a hero. A hero's texted in. OK, well, I'm holding out for that. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Oh, yeah, I'll tell you what happened on my birthday. I got quite a lot of presents started arriving that I wasn't expecting. Oh, did they? This is the joy of Amazon. Oh, yeah. I had some books arrive completely out

the blue. Fab. I had two books on Pope Francis, for example. Me too. That's what I'm hoping you're going to get. I think it wouldn't do you any harm to have two books on Pope Francis. You are a sinner, pointing your umbrella. Yeah, that's what one of them's called. It's a pop-up book when you open it, a big umbrella comes out and points it in your face.

Is Pope Francis one of your favourite ones? So far, he's doing a great job. Right. He's the incumbent, is he? Yeah, yeah, he's the... You don't know who the current Pope is? Well, I saw him on the telly last week. I can recognise him from photographs, but I just...

He's not the bad Pope. He's retired now. I mean, you should know the current Pope. It's in the world news bit, isn't it? It'd be 1952 and all. I know who Richard Dawkins is. Come on, why don't you give me a bit of give and take? Anyway, so I'd lots of...

What I've ended up... I sort of decided, to be honest, about... I suppose about 12 months ago, that I wasn't going to be fussed with books made from paper anymore. I was just going to kindle it. Kindle it?

Yeah. Because I thought... You're just going to read children's books like the big cardboard ones? No, I'm working on papyrus. No, so I'm... So I thought that was it. Because, you know, Kindle, it takes up so much less room. Oh, they're portable, all right. Than books.

You can't argue with that. No. But then people have started buying me real books. Well, I was one of them. Yeah, you were one. Yes. And Kath bought me a real book. And I've had a few real books arrive and i

have to say i'm loving it having had some time off just a feel of it i forgot i completely forgot that i used to uh put stuff in the margin marked it and write stuff in the margin yeah yeah that's must try harder robert harris must try harder. Exactly, yes. Not happy with this. That is the habit of the academic. Yes. It's not something I do, but it's an academic trait. Do you use a pop-up pencil for these purposes? Sometimes I use a pop-up pencil.

Yes, I can see you with that. I would only ever use pencil. I wouldn't put ink on a book. Oh, it's vandalism. Vandalism. I saw someone once with a sharpie on the tube. A pat? A pat? It was an autograph.

It was an autograph writer. And wrote something horrible on their face with it. It would have been a fair thing. Anyway, can I say, by the way, that of all the marginalia and marks I've made in books, I don't recall ever going back and consulting anything I've ever marked, ever, in the history of my reading. But, you know, at the time

you figure you're doing something good. But I've also found myself pressing a few words to try and get the definition. Oh, yeah. Which is what you can do on Kindle. But it's, I'm loving it. It's really brilliant to be back in the book market.

But this brings us to a fabulous email that we had but first of all music This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio It's made you rekindle your love of real books

That's very fine. Guess Ian Angel He's a bit of a nugget your love of real books. That's very fine. Guess Ian Angel. Oh, Ian Angel, another regular. He's a bit of a nugget. He's good. Yeah, he's one of the nominees. Why don't we do best texter? We did have an email about the books conversation. Hello, Mr Radios Cockrell and DME, darling Divine Miss Emily.

Yes. A while ago you were talking about Nancy DiLoglio posing for Playboy and the discussion swayed towards... Really? I don't remember that either. The discussion swayed towards the books of people's bookshelves and how they are a good judge of their character. Well, I'm fascinated.

If I go to someone's house, I always have to look at their bookshelf. I am fascinated. And there's often a rogue in there. Yeah. Well, like mine, Andrew Neil, full disclosure. How did that end up there? Yeah, I think we've all got one of those strange ones. They're usually gifts, though, aren't they?

Yeah. Often. But it's a good way of reading someone's head, I think, their bookcase. Well, let's see. Well, I have three of Frank's books. I think that means books you've written, not of yours. Me too, I have all three. Your Own Ownership.

Oh, OK. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. I didn't mean to kill George. I didn't mean to hurt George. Frank's going to attempt to sum up each classic with a sentence. A Star Wars encyclopedia. We've all had a fantasy haven't we about having a big powerful but very stupid

friend who deals with difficult stuff. I think Nick Clegg writes the foreword. Star Wars, that's good. Star Wars encyclopedia. Yeah, that shows that he has a sense of you know, of anotherness. That shows he might kill again. Four guitar guides. Oh, that's bad he has a sense of, you know, of a northerness. That shows he might kill again.

Four guitar guides. Oh, that's bad. A self-help anxiety book. That's good. I like, no, I love that. Yeah, I like that. It depends which one it is. I'm frightened about it.

I'm frightened if I say anything else about this now, I'll be killed outside the studio in two weeks' time. Well, hang on. Lord of the Rings trilogy, and finally... Lord of the Rings trilogy. I don't know if I... I saw... I was very tempted.

I saw the... I went and saw the Hobbit film, and I thought, you know, Lord of the Rings trilogy, quite... It's 1,300 pages. Yeah. Is it? And when you get to my age,

you do find yourself thinking, I don't know if I'm going to get through. I don't know if there's time. Do you know what, Frank? When you get into our time of life I'm saying our which is very kind of me You've got to read slim volumes I don't want to read about goblins

I haven't got time Well I can't take on 1300 pages It's optimism gone crazy You've done this all the wrong way round You should have done Lord of the Rings when you were a younger man And then The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner That's a slim Is it you that's read that? No.

No? Alright, forget it. Alan's gone mad. Alan mad, that's what I'm calling him. I love that book. How lovely to be able to browse someone's bookcase sort of in audio. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text the show on 8 12 15? That'd be good, actually. We haven't had that many. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the Absolute Radio website direct. You know, we have Adam. I feel a bit like you're... It sounds a bit like you're a... It sounds a bit

sort of plaintive when you go, we haven't had that many but we've had some. Yeah, but that's the default setting on his hard drive. No, but I do, you know, I like to get some text because it suggests there are people listening. Well, Sandy says, so glad you're back into reading actual books, Frank. I work for the printers in Bungay and you're keeping us

working. Smiley face. I wonder if there's a theme developing, because 967 has texted, for non-fiction you can't beat a paper book with a proper index. Brackets, I'm a trainee book indexer. How lovely that there's people from the book industry have suddenly... Yeah. Eh? Eh?

Look at me, I feel we've binded. Oh, very good. Thank you so much. Very good. I was in the middle of reading an email about books, wasn't I? Oh, yeah. Well, I have all three of Frank's books, Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck,

A Star Wars Encyclopedia, Four Guitar Guides, A self-help anxiety book. Yeah, this is this chap's bookshelf. The Lord of the Rings trilogy, and finally, a book titled... Can I say, The Lord of the Rings is not a trilogy as such, is it? Oh, is it not? Isn't it one single volume that comes out that's in three parts? Oh, I don't know.

I don't think it's officially a trilogy. Wasn't it written as what... It didn't come out in instalments, did it? know. I don't think it's officially a trilogy. Wasn't it written as what? It didn't come out in instalments, did it? I think it's called The Lord of the Rings trilogy. I think it's called that erroneously. Oh. But someone will know. There's another text in it.

I don't think you can split a book into... I think... Next week on Radio 4. OK, sorry. I'm sorry. As you were. Carry on. And finally, a book titled The Serial Killers,

A Study in the Psychology of Violence. That's a pop-up. That's a pop-up. I've got that. Uh-huh. These are found among the traditional selection of dictionaries and thesauri. I also have an abundance of various comic books, so armed with this knowledge, how would the team judge me by my bookshelf?

Well... What do you think, Frank? I, I knowledge, how would the team judge me by my bookshelf? Well... What do you think, Frank? I, I mean, I like the sound of him because he's got, there's a good sci-fi comic book fantasy element. He's a man who can, you know, can cope with a dragon or an alien. Can we just say that's Jason at 19 from Somerset? I think that's impressive for 19. That's pretty good.

But obviously you do slightly fret at the serial killer's book. Although serial killers are a fascinating topic, I do worry about someone who actually purchases a book on it. And some people think, I think again erroneously, that people who read sci-fi are desolate, lonely outsiders. And if you combine that with the serial killer book, then you're getting fretful and the anxiety but yeah i think jason sounds like he sounds he's a powder keg that's what jason well i was going to say i described him as a thoughtful introvert

this is one of the neighbors speaking after the crime. Yeah. He was a nice bloke, you know. I heard him playing guitar and stuff. Hey. Yeah, I thought he sounded like a weirdo, to be honest. Can I say, Jason, this is, you know, obviously we're talking in the abstract here. No, I did think that until I read the PS and it says, Alan, you're an absolute legend,

and I think now he's probably the most sane person I've ever heard about. Oh, I've gone off him, you see now. Absolute legend is a channel I'm trying to convince him to put on. That would be... Just me and Righty. That would be brilliant. You, Righty, Jason and the Argonauts. Yeah.

And John Legend. Yeah. As the continuity announcer, replacing Matt Berry. Can I say, having said that, I'm not really sure who John Legend is. I just know the name. No, I don't know who he is. He's a singer. Yeah, I know the name, but you know, there's so many people who I know the name of,

and they could be anything. They could be jet pilots. Yes, I know what you mean. Hey, I'll tell you what we haven't discussed. Hey! The best thing that happened all week, Frank... How do you know about that? Yeah, I can't discuss that.

Frank and Adrian Childs on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Oh, yeah. Oh, I've never laughed so much in my life. Really? I absolutely loved it. It was the best thing ever. Did you not watch it? I didn't watch it.

Well, I did. I know how it ends. Millionaire. I call it... Frank, do you call watch it? I didn't watch it. Well, I did. I know how it ends. Millionaire. I call it, Frank, do you call it millionaire? That's a bit pensioners, because there's too many words to say who wants to be a millionaire. Well, I always think when I watch Millionaire, the same thing. And even when I did it, when we sat in the studio,

I thought, I cannot believe that the theme music to this is not who wants to be a millionaire. How could it not be the theme music to who wants to be a millionaire. How could it not be the theme music to who wants to be a millionaire? Yeah. Make any sense? It was very interesting because Frank, I would say you and Adrian, it was like an Aesop's fable about the pessimist and the optimist. You were saying, Frank was going, come on. He went all Stuart Pearce. I loved it actually. Adrian was going, it's terrible, terrible, no, we're not going to be there. He was very, he was depressed, wasn't he? Throughout much of the show, I thought. Well,

we are, we are yin and yang. are how we work frank was so optimistic he said at one point i can't believe he said this daisy would have died he said no we don't want to phone a friend yet let's say that for when we get to a million oh my god you have to believe you can't say that if you build it did you remember No, he didn't come this week. Frank is very proud of his knowledge as well. When it got to something like... You do surprise me. One of the questions was the invention of the telescope.

Frank went, yes, I believe that's... Oh, dear. Did I mention Anton von Lehouvenhoff? Three times. Did you? Three times. I'm not even sure if he is the inventor of the telescope. You said it three times and you said Chris afterwards.

Did I? Yeah. Chris, I like that. That's like when they say Les on Family Fortunes. They're told to say Les. So they say, so what do you do for a living? I work at a plumber's, Les. They're told to keep saying Les so people know who he is.

You said Chris when you got, there were two on, you went, yeah, Chris, I think I know, you said Chris. I was listening out for Chris. But can I say you and Adrian were very good and you did pretty well can we say what you won I think we can it's TX now. Yes go on. I can't remember. Neither can I. Good night.

This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Not just your millionaire. What about Andrew Murray? Oh, he's my millionaire. Why have you gone all camp? You had to say that in a camp voice in some way. Andrew Murray. Do you think that's what Kim Sears calls him, my millionaire? I'm seeing my millionaire tonight.

Why has she gone all camp? I think she's got Camp Kim Sears. Do you know Kim Sears? No, but thanks for the tip. I think Andrew Murray. Andrew. Andrew. Andrew.

I think that's what his old ma Murray calls him when she's angry with him, don't you? Yeah, I bet she does. Andrew. Well, he got a bit in trouble this week. He did. A little bit of trouble. Frank Spencer terms. A little bit, yeah.

He was on the naughty step. I mean, he's good at tennis, Andrew Murray. He is. But little bit of trouble. Frank Spencer terms. A little bit, yeah. He was on the naughty step. I mean, he's good at tennis, Andrew Murray. He is. But he gets in trouble with the old interview stuff sometimes, doesn't he? I think sometimes he can come across badly. I don't think of him as a controversial figure, to be honest. Well, all I'm saying is he's not a kind of quick extrovert with soundbites. That's not his way, really.

But he was doing a Q&A on Twitter. This is what these celebrities do, Frank. You're going to have to get involved in this. You're going to have to get involved. No, no. You know, I do get those sort of offers. Would you come and do blah, blah, blah? And maybe you could talk about it on your Twitter feed.

And what do you say? I'm so insulted. I don't even know. The idea, the very idea that I've got such a thing. You're going to have to get over that. It's cold in here, isn't it? OK. I'll turn up the music.

I like it. I can feel the... Well, anyway. I feel the effects of the heating. I like it. I can feel the, well anyway, feel the effects of the cold. I don't like the area of your body you're touching. No, it's his nipples. Anyway, they asked him some Well, my jacket is open by about two and a half inches and I realise Don't have a look at mine. My nipples

have gone up in the cold. Gone up. Come on. Yeah. Absolutely disgusting. Well, you know, put the heating. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely disgusting. Well, you know, put the heating on, for goodness sake. What's going to go next? This is the sort of chat we could have whilst playing a song, really. Who says on a commercial breakfast radio show, put the heating on, for God's sake.

It's Andy Capp's wife you're talking to. What a flurry. Anyway, so these twitter people they asked him some questions and they asked some of it he did quite well they said

did you think you'd win sports personality of the year and he said I never thought I'd win anything with the word personality in it did he say that yeah

which I thought was rather fine he's too funny yeah he misunderstood what would it take for you to shave your head again he said a razor is that bad

oh he's got a team of writers there hasn't he I don't think so What would it take for you to shave your head again? He said a razor. That bad? Oh, genuine laughter in the audience. He's got a team of writers there, hasn't he? I don't think so. But he's got a team of writers. Then it got a bit tricky. He got asked a couple more questions. Did you eat grass to ensure you won Wimbledon? He replied, no, I smoked it.

They asked him if he was going to marry Kim, who he'd been engaged to for eight years, and he said, er... He said, yes, we're getting married off to next Wimbledon. Yeah. It turned out he was going to marry Kim, who he'd been engaged to for eight years, and he said, he said, yes, we're getting married after the next Wimbledon. Yeah. It turned out he was joking. I think it's brilliant. I think the writers must have nipped that to Laugh-A-Doodle-A-Jah.

You wouldn't think, you wouldn't think, what about this one? Are you going to marry Kim? Yes, we're getting married after the next Wimbledon. Write that down. Can't wait to get that one out. I know you do lose a bit in Twitter and text. I mean, if you imagine him saying, we're going to come out and get married after the next Wimbledon.

Suddenly it's funny. But, you know, in the written... It's all with delivery with Andy. I really like it. This is the way he tells them. I think it's great. with um with delivery with uh angie yeah i think it's great i think it went viral though there's been a media perception that andy murray is uh boring and a bit sort of doer dour and he's taken that and he's joked about the thing you should never joke about he's joked that he's getting married to the woman that he's refused to even discuss marrying

it's it's dangerous he's like a shock jock you're considering he's some frank to the woman that he's refused to even discuss marrying, it's dangerous. He's like a shock jock. You're considering he's some Frankie Boyle character. Yeah. Howard Stern or something. But what about if he's not joking? I mean, what about if he did smoke grass? And then if it's exposed now, he can say,

look, I owned up to this years ago and everybody was fine with it. Well, because it went viral. He had to... What if he's ever smoked clay? He had to then issue a statement saying I don't smoke grass, I'm not getting married and I don't want to kill Raphael Nadal. And to be fair, me neither.

The great thing about that is what I saw in the paper was the statement. I didn't know anything about the Twitter thing. So I thought, oh God, why suddenly bring those up? They must have been smouldering. What I'd like to know is, if a tennis player gets married for the second time, is the service a bit shorter and a bit more circumspect?

Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, you know, Andy did this, well it wasn't really a wedding proposal, but he just said... It was a prank, wasn't it? It was a prank. He was a prankster. I don't get what the gag was in saying, we're going to get married. Guess what? I'm sure Kim didn't see the gag either. I think I would have been absolutely furious if someone had done that to me. He's a joker.

You would have thought he was a legend. His next gag is he's going to get one of those fake pregnancy tests that was in the paper last week, you know, the positive ones. I think she would have done, you know, the female three levels are fine. It's like ascending, isn't it? What's that? And shrieking, fine. So you go, are you okay about that?

I'm not saying, fine. Oh, yeah, I think you're right. And then the second level fine all right i won't even do the third you can't hear level two if you get to level three you need to walk out right do you think he's a bit of a practical joker then i think he's uh pulling people's legs because they've been asking him for years when you get married and he's just going to hear that thing when you play tennis and you do a serve and you've just sneaked the apple out of your proper way of thinking and you actually serve the apple? Have you ever done that? No, I haven't.

Or baldied at cricket. I've done that a few times. Have you? I'd be a lot more if he did that in a day. Oh, that would be good, wouldn't it? I'll tell you what I don't like about him. He's tend to wear in black socks, black shoes. Oh, I don't like that.

And it looks like, you know when you get up in the morning and you've got your socks on? Yeah. Nothing else. It's sort of that kind of... Well, obviously I've got a jamma jacket on. It's a bit, it's a bit businessman playing away from home. Yeah, it is, yeah. Wandering around finding his trousers. In the hotel, maybe under a white robe from the hotel

but then the black socks on underneath. It's that look. Stop that. Yeah. Andy, if you're listening. Guess what 24O says. You know we're talking about books, Frank. On a tangent, what would McGarrett say these days? Kindle him, Dano. Yeah, that's a good point. In fact, all the book-based idioms,

I'm going to throw the Kindle at him. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. I'm still a fan of proper books, paper. I've never gone Kindle I'm so behind the curve but it sounds like there's no point in being ahead

because you're coming back to the book aren't you well I think the Kindle wins on every account apart from just the sensory experience of holding slices of paper although I did get a paper cut first paper cut I've had for months so you know it doesn't come without some pain.

Gwen from the Wirral, who's one of our regulars, has revealed her reading matter. Rewalk bookshelves reveal about a person amongst a great deal of archaeology... Did you say Ewok bookshelves? I was like, what are those? Like an Ewok, and then you open the chest out and the books are inside. A nice chest level as well. Amongst a great deal of archaeology slash history books and the odd Bill Bryson, I've also got two Daktari annuals.

Fabulous. Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion. Don't know what they are. Blue Peter 1966 to 1970 annuals. The Golden Years. And a book worryingly entitled The Love of Monkeys and Apes. OK. I'm all right with that. There was once a question on the american celebrity squares they used to have a very camp man who sat in the middle but that was like the

50s when people didn't really know what camp meant and the question was you know celebrities you get asked questions and the question was do chimpanzees kiss and his answer was yes very well you're listening to the frank skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the

South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I think it's time for us to take a little wonder. OK. You know where. Little wonder-ventum. You know where.

Female corner. Female. I just started laughing at wonder-ventum. What an excellent reference. Thank you. Anyone who doesn't know who that is? Me. What do they have to do, Frank?

Be cosier. Yes. Oh, OK. Good morning, Emily, Frank and Alan. Morning. As a recently unemployed, may pose an obstacle for a night's move... Keep it light. ...person...

LAUGHTER That would never be an obstacle. I'd date someone without a job. Yeah, but only because they were so rich they didn't need one. Well, exactly. I have had the opportunity to spend a substantial amount of time walking around my local area north of Brisbane.

Ah, Brizzy. Reflecting on where life... Do you know it well? No, never been there. I've never been there. Reflecting on where life will take me next and enjoying a good audiobook or podcast. This is a solely morning activity as it gets very hot here during the day, and the pub is a far better place for afternoon recreation,

as they have air conditioning and I have nothing better to do. Anyway, on one of my walks, I came across a very tranquil spot by the river and decided to take a moment to sit down. Can I just stop you there? Do you know the Johnny Ray song, The Little White Cloud That Cried, that begins, I went walking

down by the river does it segue into goldfinger feeling very sad inside as i was sitting there a woman walked past with her dog who proceeded to cock its leg against a post and relieve itself they They shouldn't do that. I hadn't been paying much attention, but I looked up at the sign atop the now-soiled post, and to my great surprise, found that I was sitting in Frank Skinner Park. No. I sincerely

hope this is evidence that Australia has taken Frank on board as a national treasure. However, I have to say, he doesn't get much mention in the media here. Oh, that's cruel. It's his money to bring that up. I don't get much mention in the media here, let's face it. Interestingly, there's a Fred Kruger park just down the road also, which may suggest that the local council have been randomly selecting names for parks from IMDB. There's still hope for Emily and Alan then.

Would there be a lot of elms? A lot of elms in the Fred Kruger park? Oh, that's good. Oh, yeah. Well, I saw this email. Mine would be really boring. What would yours be? Quite safe.

There'd be a lot of health and safety. I'd like the Emily Dean Recreation Area. That's very safe. Well, I think we all would. Maybe just for one night. Many paths through those gates. Oh, my goodness. I was very excited to read

because I saw this email sort of ahead of time because obviously it's quite a big story. Yeah. I was alerted. It's one of the biggies, isn't it? Breaking news.

I was on primetime television last night. I'm more excited about having a park in Australia with my name in it even though it isn't me. And one of the first things... What's it to the new?

Spoiler alert. No, sorry. Yeah, it isn't. And also, as I found out, the second I found out, the post with the name of the park on it was being urinated on, a fabulous example of light and dark in all things. Yeah, I don't think that woman should have done that. Oh, hang on, it's the dog. Yeah, I think it's... Let me just...

Yeah. Well, maybe. I also noticed next to the Frank Skinner Park, I looked it up, is a thing called the Stephen Lawn Park. Now, I wouldn't call it a park after someone's name was Lawn. It gets so confusing. It's like Tina Hobley being in Holby City.

Yes. I think you've got to have a bit of separation on your concepts. But a friend of mine from Australia, I texted her immediately. Did you? To say, apparently there's a Frank Skinner park in Brisbane. Yeah, Brisbane. What did she say? Well, I'll tell you.

But first of all, I have something very important to do. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just talking off air about what our types were. We do talk off air, by the way. Cockcrawl got me, may I say, bang on, Cockcrawl. Yeah.

He said, Daniel Craig, spot on. Yeah, so root one. I'm a bit disappointed. Okay, let's get to what you said. Daisy then said Jon Hamm, you know, from Mad Men. Bang on again. I don't know Jon Hamm. Well, that's not on my fault.

Very candid of you, by the way. I bet he's got less than five connections to Kevin Bacon. So Cockrell said, well, you've obviously got a type and proceeded to say what that type was. A bit sort of, what would you say, square George, classic. I said classic, good looking, but with a wide face and body type. I was about the wide body, but anyway. Max Hedlund.

Frank then added to this and went, yeah, I know who you fancy. The man who played Charlie in Charlie's Angels. Yeah. Tom Bosley. No, that's not Tom Bosley. Okay, who was it? He was the silver haired man who was married to Crystal as well in Dynasty. What, a 91 Spanish man?

Ricardo Montalban or whatever his name is. No, he wasn't called that. Wasn't he called John something? I don't know why anybody's looking at me for this. You're talking about Blake Carrington. Are you talking about Blake Carrington? Yeah, that's it. We've got there. Oh,'s it. We've got there. Oh, I'm glad you've got there. Your first guest was David Gandhi, and Emily said no.

Anyway, just, um, I don't fancy Blake Carrington, just to clear that up. Okay. We're still in an email corner. I'd just like... Oh, actually, Frank had done a cliffhanger, hadn't he, with his... Oh, yeah, you had, Frank. ...texting of the Australian friends. If they temporarily brought back slavery

and I had David Gandhi as my personal manservant, does it mean if I left him in the cloakroom at a posh hotel I could say to the woman, Mahatma Gandhi? Lovely. I have to say, when you began that, the producer immediately put her head in her hands. The moment you said slavery, it was just a... I think one can talk about a return to

uh slavery without getting nostalgic i'm sorry i'm talking about obviously it was just for the purposes of one beautiful man to be constantly more upsetting than me fancying blake carrington this morning anyway well it's still early yeah this is uh when i found out about frank skinner park i um who's not um that sort of half-Korean bloke who lives in the apartment across the way, Frank Skinner Park is a place in Brisbane. I immediately texted my friend Janet McLeod, who lives in Melbourne, Australia, in St Kilda.

Oh, yeah. And she said, Frank, while you were slumbering i've been finding out more about the man commemorated by the frank skinner park in queensland mr skinner was referred to as the father of soil conservation oh lovely excellent oh my god if you head to youtube i've struck gold there's a 1956 department of agriculture film with the wonderful title soil is your future which mr skinner wrote and appeared in although a non-speaking role Gold. It's a 1956 Department of Agriculture film with the wonderful title Soil is Your Future, which Mr Skinner wrote and appeared in, although a non-speaking role.

So I'm recommending that for a watch. You know, some people say, oh, have you seen that thing in YouTube where a fat bloke falls off a horse and lands on a kestrel? Well, I'm saying, read this about the future. Sounds to me like, rather than being a national

treasure in Australia your name is Dirt that's nice soil. My name is Dirt Bogart they call me I've just been passed a note by by a dainty that said why do you only call me when you're high and I thought was this meant for me

you're only going to text me and think it's not meant for me but I realise she's telling me to hurry up and play the next track Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio We're still in email corner am I right and thinking we've moved on from Frank Skinner Park

Hi Frank, Emily in the Cockerel Frank, as a fellow fan of Merlin, I'm keen to know your opinion of the new BBC drama The Musketeers. Much the same vein, I know Emily will not approve. Also, as a fellow Scott, I'd like to hear more of Alan's

stories about his mum. She sounds hilarious. And I think that Emily Dean should start doing stand-up and perhaps her own tour. That's a great idea, can I just say. Yeah. I'll be your support act. The dressing room will have a different rider from... What would I do on the road for food?

What would I do if I went to Birmingham and I needed macrobiotic couscous? Well... I'll get that at 11pm. No. I think... There's a local delivery company called Dr Couscous. Doctor.

Dr Couscous. I'm too scared anyway. I haven't got your regional reserves of strength, you two. I'm a southern softie. Is that where we get them? There are some southern comedians now. Yeah, they're not as good as you two, are they? Well, they're scratching and living. But they're at it. They're not as good

as you two. I think it's... I would love to see your stand-up act. Maybe we could tour this show. Yeah. Do you know what my stand-up... Imagine me coming on with my first bit as an observational comedy. You know when you're sitting in BA in first class? Oh, no, you don't. It would just be called Oh, No, You Don't. Yeah, people would be fine with that, though, wouldn't they?

You should call it Oh, No, You Don't. That's a good title. Yeah, the Oh, No no you don't show um oh no you don't show is what the problem with it sounds like you don't the things so uh no i'd very i'd pay to see uh emily um yeah but we're talking about stand-up darling no i would definitely i think you could do it but um it's tricky i'm not i'm not pretending it isn't. It can be tricky. What about if we're two at this show and just sat on stage and talked about the news and things that have happened in our lives? We could really swear.

Imagine if we could really swear and say filthy stuff. Got it. Like when the songs are on. Absolute filth. Yeah. And I tell the truth about my love life. Yeah. I'll have to check my diary. I think it might clash with my hosting of absolute legend

I'll check I'm not sure on the dates yet we're still firming them up yeah well I've still got my absolute 20s can I also say to Rhys the musketeers I didn't watch that I saw someone in a leather hat and a moustache and I almost vomited was it Joe Boxers I. I didn't watch that. I saw someone in a leather hat and a moustache and I almost vomited.

Was it Joe Boxers? I thought, I can't, there's no place for me here. I am, I haven't seen it. I really want to see it. I feel I'll like it, but I've got it on my Skydoodle. I, I've seen it. But I'm interested that it's called The Musketeers. Yes.

Because there's obviously, if somebody drops out we can still continue with this. If we call it The Three, then it gets difficult. Well, I think, I mean, I think it's based on the books, isn't it? And in the books, I think... I'm guessing it's based on the books. I think it's written from the perspective of one of them. So I think the books are called The Three Musketeers,

but one of them is writing about the other three, so they're technically a four. Oh. Does that make sense? It should have been called the other three musketeers. Yes, exactly. I may have got that wrong. It should be about people that work in the perfume industry, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

Musky deers. People on the counter in boots. You know, like Chocolatier. You know the art of the Chocolatier. What about the three chocolatiers? Would you go and watch that? No. Oh, it's a pity I've got tickets. Oh, God, I thought everyone would be really pleased about it.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. I am Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Hi, I'm Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. Follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email us through the Absolute Radio webby.

I like the way you merged words there, so it sounded like Siam, Frank Skinner. I was thinking, wow, interesting. King like Siam, Frank Skinner. I was thinking, player. Interesting. King of Siam. That's been a while. Yeah. Yeah.

James Watanar. David Baddiel's brother, Ivor Baddiel, pointed out that when James Watanar, the snooker player, played, it says underneath James Watanar, Thailand. So it just says Watanar, the snooker player, played, it says underneath James Watanar, Thailand. So it just says Watanar, Thailand. And if Thailand hadn't changed its name, and it was still Siam, instead of Watanar, Thailand,

it would say Watanar... Yes. Yeah, fill in the blanks there. Yeah, that was Ivor Badil. Good bit of South East Asian wordplay there on Absolute Radio. Fires knowledge of old capitals. But in keeping with that, we need to move on to another wide appeal topic. What, in keeping, did you say?

In keeping, yeah. It's popular, but it's a big job, you know. I mean, you think it's easy, but you're up quite late after everyone's gone home. True, true. And you have to wear a leather tabard-style apron, I find. Yeah, and you have to be an alcoholic, I think. If I remember rightly. Text in on 8-12-15.

You don't have to be, but it helps. I think we've got some new rap-style beef to discover on the wider media. Martin Shaw, the actor of Judge John Deed and the Professionals fame, and he may have done a programme called Always and Everyone, which I appeared in as Jason the Asthmatic.

Oh, he did that? Well, he did the Professionals, which I appeared in as Frightened Child. Oh, alright! And he once played Elvis Presley in a play I went to see. Oh. I like that you've got the worst connection. I don't think I've ever worked with Martin Shaw. And I've been saying for three years you've worked with them all,

and finally we've found... We've trumped you. No, you're right. Shaw's trumped you. Martin Shaw has had a right old go at Vauders. Carol Vauders. He's not had a right old go. He's had a respectful go.

And I'd say she's virtually friend of the show. She's talking about flying around the world solo. She's just recently passed her pilot's licence. Not playing nothing. Yeah, just flapping her arms. Just doing the whole thing on just bustling enthusiasm. Just using a wrap dress. Just love of life.

Just have the wrap dress to get her going. That's what powers Carol, love of life. I love orders. I'll never forget that night we had with the Rolling Stones. Yeah, anyway. Well, there's a story. Martin Shaw has been flying for 22 years and he blasted her ambition as as insane and uh so you rated this

by the chance the bit that i really like is uh is the um is it uh what's the uh is it tomesis when you put a comma and then another phrase in in a sentence parenthesis the commas for parenthesis carol i think has only just learned to fly that I really like that. Rather than, I think Carol has only just learned to fly. Carol, I think, has only just learned to fly. She enjoys language. If she's going to do it solo, you have to admire the bravery. But it's insanity, he said. And he said, I don't want to be the spectre at the feast or a wet blanket on her sense of courage. I've been flying for 22 years. Well, you go then. There's not a queue. Just go.

Can we return to Spectre at the Feast? Yes, we can. Discuss. Well, it means he doesn't want to turn up in a grey Afro with a revolver. I think that's what he's getting at. No, it's a... It's a Banquo reference.

Yes, to the Scottish play. Yes. But, frankly, I love that he makes that reference. It doesn't quite work unless Carol Vorderman had murdered Martin Shaw earlier and then he's returned with his wounds still seeping. Well, with that literary reference. And then he ruined it, got greedy, and then he mixed his metaphors with the wet blanket. Yeah.

Because he then said, nor the wet blanket yeah because he then said nor the wet blanket on her courage yeah yes no you can't just leave it at the at the specter you did really well with specter now you've it's it's just vaulting ambition the blanket on the fire of her courage would have perhaps worked because she could put a wet are you the chip pan on the chip pan of her courage yes Yes, I like that. I imagine that her courage is a bit like a chip pan. It's a little bit too hot. You know, and you have to get it a little bit too hot.

I find whenever she's... You need a wet blanket. You're ready to throw over it should it suddenly burst into flames. Consolant, please, Carol. Consonant, please, Carol. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, we were talking about the spectre at the feast.

Yes, Martin Shaw. Who's an old colleague of mine and Emily's. Yes. However brief. And in the West End, actually. He's in 12 Angry Men. Is he? Not every night. But if you can catch him.

Don't promote the man after his outburst at Borders. I know, it's a bit harsh. But, you know, he's concerned for her safety, ultimately. Is he? No, she's so... I mean, she's so pneumatic. You know, I mean, that is her brand now, isn't it? She loves her curves, Carol.

Yeah, she does. I think if she fell out of an aeroplane, it wouldn't do any real damage. I think she just looks so, you know... So what? Pneumatic. You know when you see a burglar being pursued by a police dog in training

and they have the padded forearm that they have to go for. I feel that Carol has taken that on as a general exterior. I don't think she could come into any real harm. That sounds good. Don't get me wrong. I think she looks fabulous. I think she could come into any real harm. That sounds good. Don't get me wrong. I think she looks fabulous. I think she looks absolutely fabulous. I'm a big fan of pneumatic.

But Frank, wouldn't you rather, if you had the choice of, what is she, a physics graduate, I believe? Maths. I think she got a third. It doesn't matter what the grade is. Rachel Riley. I was with Rachel Riley doing a show, and someone said, what did you get?

I think she went to Oxford or something, doing maths. And she said, I got a 2.1. They went, I only got a 2.1. She said, Carol Vorderman only got a third. And that anecdote tells so much about Rachel Riley. Well, yes. But also a bit about Carol Vorderman. Maybe it's people that like IQ tests. Yes.

Do you think? I think you'll find that Vorderman is immense. Oh, yes. But also... Maybe it's people that like IQ tests. Yes. Do you think? I think you'll find that borders... The greatest achievement. I think you'll find that borders is immense. Oh, is she? I still love borders. All I'm saying, Frank, is she's something like a physics graduate. Third, two, one, whatever.

I wonder if we used to call it Douglas. That's what we called it. Uh-huh. Yeah. She's immense, but the first three letters are in bold print. Would you rather a physics graduate flying you or an old actor with a hat? Well, look. He's been flying for 20 years.

Well, look. You know, we were talking about our types before. I have to say, if I had to identify what would be my type, I do like the female aviator. Oh, yes, that's very you. You know the early female aviation pioneers, Amelia Earhart, Amy Johnson, they're always hot to trot.

They're sort of like... Hot to trot? Yeah, they're sort of short-haired. Are we taking on the language of the 1940s for this? No, he's got websites. Barely legal 1920s hotties no honestly they look um they look fab those uh oh in the flying jacket and the johnson's is this a leather thing is it a leather oh here we go short hair it's the old orange is the new black thing i think it's you know they're like action

and they've always got that far away look in their eyes. You're like Sola Bard. Looking where they're going, aren't they? You should have a look. Amy Johnson, Amelia Earhart. I've seen faraway look in their eyes because they're all on lithium and things. Yeah, but, you know, I don't mind that either. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Can you talk about me? Is it me time yet?

Thank you I did You're not the only one Who's done some performing this week Frank Skinner I did a little bit myself I know yes Yeah

With Russell Kane He was doing A podcast In front of an audience At London Theatre And It was a bit sort of question timey, but a bit of popular culture.

So we covered everything. Yeah, oh, topical. Topicality was all over the shop. And I was showing a dressing room with Russell and two other comics. OK. Are they going to remain nameless? No, we can name them.

That's going to make their career very difficult. Let's name them. One was called Stephen Grant. Are you familiar with his work? Yeah. Another one was called Omar. He's supporting Russell at the moment. Don't know Omar.

Lovely chaps, but do I want to really be sharing a dressing room with them? No. It depends whether you were dressing or not. Although I call it a dressing room, I've never actually dressed, I don't think, in a comedy dressing room. I have, yeah. I don't mind.

I shared with Russell, and that's fine. I've seen everything. He's seen everything. Really? Is that true? We've got no problems there. Blimey. Is that why you were seeing everything? Did one of you think you had problems there?

You had to say, look, I'm not qualified for this, but I'll have a look anyway. This dressing room, it was a tight fit. Let's put it that way. It was very tight. You couldn't swing a cranky in there. When you got out of it, was it on a different floor? All right, carry on.

Anyway, so we're all sitting there there's only two chairs as well so that's awkward for a start who's going to take the two chairs because you need to sit in for the you know socks and shoes

yeah so I mean I don't need it I've got a three foot shoe horn now so I can put them on standing up

you don't share I'm sure you boys because you're at the peak of your careers but and nor does Russell normally I have to say but in this instance he was slumming it for us you still end up in shared I'm sure, you boys, because you're at the peak of your careers, but, and nor does Russell normally, I have to say, but in this instance, he was

slumming it for us. You still end up in Cher. I must have told you about when I shared with Flatley. No, funnily enough, I might have remembered that. Yeah, when I did the Ralph Wright performance, there was me and there was about five of us, Jonathan Price. Jonathan Price,

who was playing, who was on to do Fagin in the big musical number, he had a special, he sort of curtained off his own little area in the corner. Using what? Using curtain, which he brought with him. He brought a curtain? No. He brought a separating curtain so that he could do his make-up and get into character.

How did he get, were they hung up there? Gaffer tape? Or did he have a couple of Wimbledon ball boys just holding it up like a towel while the chains were out? They were like on a screen. And so that... So he was in one corner, so that was... And then there was, I think, Jim Tavare was in there, and a couple of other people. Can I say this sounds like a horror walkthrough where you go into various rooms and get terrified?

And Flatley was in there. Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance. Was he also out? Worked with them all, hadn't he? Worked with them all, except Martin Shaw. And he, I must have told you this, he held a can of... Oh, I'm so relieved what he said. An aerosol can of hair lacquer in each hand and fired from both sides.

He did a double, his hands you know, he did a two gun thing at his hair. I love him for that. So he basically emptied two cans of aerosol simultaneously into his hair. And we had to go and get change in the dressing room

because we couldn't breathe. I suspect Jonathan Price was slumped over his make-up tray behind the curtains. Were you like Shirley Eaton afterwards? Google it. Gold. Yeah, very good.

Now, we had to get out, and that was... So then it was a health hazard sharing a dressing room. Well, it's interesting you should say that, Frank Skinner, because these boys, one of the boys... I'm going to leave it nameless, this crime. It's a bit like with that Quentin Tarantino screenplay when he wouldn't say exactly who'd done it, who'd leaked the screenplay. One of the boys got out some very spicy chicken. Yum.

And I think that's inappropriate. Jerk. In that confined space. Where are you when I need you? And the smell was quite overwhelming. Yeah. Another one of the boys, can I say Russell's in the clear? Yeah, OK.

Got out some extremely spicy and smelly couscous. Blimey. I couldn't breathe. These guys were having a picnic. That's when you want a bottle of ammonium hydroxide in your handbag. Do you know what I did? And I'm very interested in your Flatley story. I did a Flatley.

Oh, did you? Oh. How I first responded to the food. Did you start all over their food? Did you just spray it? I responded initially in quite a passive-aggressive way. I went, oh! You're right.

Although that could have been anything. It could have. Could have been someone saying, hello. I went, oh! They didn't respond to that, so I had to bring out the big guns. Didn't have two cans. I had one can. I said, no one minds, do they? Like

properly cabin crew entering Australia. I did a total flatly on them. They didn't say anything, because I think they were embarrassed about the chicken couscous. Yeah, but that chicken must have been covered in toxic. Yes, I hope so. I do hope so. I do hope so.

You did the right thing. But what's the etiquette, Saps? I think you'd have been... Do you eat in a dressing room with other people? Yeah. Do you? I would, yeah. Yeah, I would, but not... Yeah, I would.

To hell with them. I enjoyed taunting. I used to do, like... You know, you'd do, like, corporate gigs. This used to be one of my favourite things when I share. People would say, oh God, I don't like the way this is. The crowd seem a bit drunk. And I'd say, yeah, but you know,

two grand's two grand. When I was getting about 300. Just to see them. And then you see them on the phone after, to their agents. This is good. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

So that wasn't the only thing I did this week. We're still on me. Just FYI. Is that alright? I, well, I ran into a friend of the show actually this week. Oh, do you want me to? Are we going to play a guessing game? Hold it. Friend of the show. this week oh do you want me to um are we going to play a guessing game hold it very good i'll set the scene for you first i was at an in-style beauty event okay i know you love

a beauty event it's a beauty event really it just it's just full of beautiful people it's just what do they do what we do is we invite all the lovely beauty companies and awards are given for the best, yeah. OK. And it's presided over and presented by, I'm going to call him London's best-looking man. So would it say stuff like best rouge of the year? No, because it's not 1952. OK.

OK? Best compact. No, but you're on the right line. Best. Yes. Best compact. Best fastening compact. That'd be a good one i so wish you two had got the gig to do the best the beauty awards i would have loved that best rouge um that's sort

you're on the right line darlings yeah blusher of the year yeah blusher of the year exactly her presenting blusher of the year was london's best looking man uh george lamb who's actually a friend of mine. Yes. I'll go acquaintance. He's too good-looking to be friends with. Was he hosting the whole awards or just the Blusher of the Year? Hosting the whole awards. Right.

Alan's trying to work out his fee. No, no. Gorgeous, though. So gorgeous. It's very difficult. You can't be too good friends with someone like that. They make me tense. Do you understand?

Yes. I just think, what if something happens to the face in the in the car in the car journey i can't go anywhere i can't you can't go anywhere with them obviously i can't help thinking that you and i are very good friends you're absolutely fine with that no stress whatsoever no but there's you and you have a tremendous inner beauty and some external beauty as well how's it going how's it going but george lamb is i'm just trying to think of a u-stroke lamb you know what i would say you are if george lamb is a sort of ming vase yes you're more of a i'm ming the mighty yes yeah okay okay no he's a handsome man i agree with he's a handsome lamb but it does make it does make me tense

so we're presenting the awards in the hotel we said oh he said we decided to go for a drink and No, he's a handsome man, I agree with you. He's a handsome lamb. But it does make me tense. So he's presenting the awards in the hotel. He said, we decided to go for a drink and meet my friend's spouse, Tony. He said, oh, well, I've got a car, we'll go together. So, of course, he comes down to the lobby, we leave together. These women see me leaving the hotel with George Lamb. Oh, I've never been hissed at like it.

It doesn't bring out the best in the females. They don't like it. I felt liked Lee Ryan leaving the Big Brother house some of the noise is coming my way so we leave, get into the car go and meet Scouse what's the car like? what's the car like? I imagine Lama drives a sports car

I've never heard you ask a question about a car in your driving class was it a Vauxhall Insignia or are we talking a BMW 7 series I've never, never heard you ask a question about a car in your driving class. No, it's just me to Alan Partridge. Was it a Vauxhall Insignia or are we talking BMW 7 Series? What's he driving these days? No, but don't you imagine... What's become of you? He might drive a Cadillac with cow horns on it. Why? Because he's so good looking.

Yeah, I just... Was it a flash car? Well, you might have to wait to find out. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were about to get into the car and Frank was guessing what it was and you were about to say what it was but you wouldn't say it.

So I think you were worried about a spoiler alert, if you'll forgive the pun. Was it a Lamborghini? No, George doesn't drive that. A George Lamborghini? Was he driving or't drive that. A George Lamborghini. Was he driving or was he passengering? We were being driven. Oh, well, that changes everything.

It changes everything. He was in the back of the car with you like a lamb to the slaughter. I imagine you'd be jumping into a convertible without opening the door. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I did getting into the car with George Lamb? Opened every window. Freezing. I just want everyone to see me.

I want everyone to see me. I want everyone to see me. Oh, I thought you meant you really stank. Open the windows, open the windows immediately. Hi. I was thinking he must be honking in there. No, he's very fragrant. Don't you say a word against him. I will.

Don't you dare. All right. Oh, the handsomeness. I feel ill thinking about how handsome he is. He makes David Beckham look like John Sargent. That's how good looking he is. Anyway. Okay.

So I'm having... How does he do that? Acid? Papier maché. I'm having the steak with George Lamb. That seems tautology. And who should wander over to talk to Scalstonia, who's sitting with us, but... Pat Butcher?

No. Friend of the show? Yeah. Oh. It. Friend of the show? Yeah. Oh. It's not Peter the Wild? Emma Newman. Tracey Emin? No.

She's everywhere. You weren't the only one who'd had a sighting. She's everywhere. So we start talking. I thought, I'm going to drop this in. I need her to know it's me. Because I really need to get my... Of course.

I managed to. I did it quite discreetly. I didn't embarrass myself. I kept saying, oh... We'll be the judge of that well i better not tell you that i think i might have said south bank frank i might have said oh you're emily he started going i've met when she said you're emily give me a hug we had a big hug we embraced i've never been so happy in my life i wanted to get her to sign something for me and i thought oh that would be letting the side down yeah um but we had a nice chat and she did say to me frank that she'd had an issue with getting through to us because we didn't believe it was her sometimes no that was true so we've invented we thought it was a hoax

she looked at george she said is that your boyfriend i've never been so happy she says all the right things i can you say, I can't hear you. Can you speak up? Loads. Could you speak really loudly when you ask me that? I laughed so hysterically I went... Anyway, so I met Tracy and she was every bit as lovely as I imagined. I adore her.

And that was it. So we've got a code word, which I won't say now. I'll obviously tell you off air. Oh, OK. Should she text in. Oh, OK. OK. text in. Oh, OK. OK. Is it Nogget?

That's really going to confuse things, isn't it? No, it's not. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're near to the end of the show. We'd like to sort of put a bow on some of the things that we've had as running theories. We've had a text from 409.

I think this is important information. The Lord of the Rings was never intended to be released in three installments, but due to the paper shortage, the publishers forced Tolkien to do it that way. He was particularly miffed that the third installment was named The Return of the King because he thought it gave the ending away. He wanted it to be called The War of the Ring. Like Death in Venice, I've always thought. Maybe. P.S. Frank, I'm mentioned in your second book, Shawnee. I don't know who Shawnee is. No, I must have a think about that. So I was right that it isn't a trilogy?

It isn't a trilogy. I just thought you'd like to hear knowledge there. No, it's good. Good knowledge. Tracy's just texted in. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't... Trace, I don't know if I did this. Hi, Emily.

I can't believe I've forgotten what the code was. But I did say two down, one to go. Meaning me and Frank. And I asked why Alan is Alan and and not alan and you said he's not the funny one i was talking about myself i don't think i did say that just fyi i can read that like you know i can read that trace i didn't say that maybe i did sorry let's face it you were a bit you'd gone a bit giggly. Yes.

I'd gone a bit heady and a bit arrogant. Yeah, that's fine. And I made a joke at your expense. I'm going to allow that, that's fine. Is that okay? It's fine. Tracey's exposed me. You were trying to impress George and Tracey.

It was like a double whammy. Tracey's done is thrown a grenade into the centre of the radio show. Absolutely. Oh, my goodness. I'd better go to email corner for a toast cake. I'm going to press the... Email corner. I think...

Who should read this? Oh, Not The Funny One. Oh, dear. Here we're going to go. It's going to, Not The Funny One. Oh, dear. It's going to be Not The Funny One in quotes and then Tracey Emin underneath. I'm going to put that on my Edinburgh poster. I was talking about me and clearly I'm not as funny as you. Has that gone down all right? It's fine.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I'm a Japanese long-time reader, brackets, listener and second-time writer. Last week you were talking about microwaves. Frank seems to have a problem with it smelling fish and chemicals yes that's true that's when i did my kippers yes we've both had kipper problems haven't we at various points yes we have yeah it's a draw isn't it it's a kipper tie if you will um that's a man in birmingham ordering a cup of tea cup of tie, if you will. That's a man in Birmingham ordering a cup of tea. Cup of tie.

Cup of tie. Yes. Carry on. Use lemon. It gives you a surprise. Cut a lemon half and heat them in the microwave for a couple of minutes without plastic film. You will find the bad smell has gone, and also you can clean the microwave itself by using the lemons. You should use lemon skin if you want to get it really clean.

Really? Stains also will disappear. You should use lemon skin if you want to get it really clean. Stains also will disappear. You can use orange if you like. Please do try from K.O. The trouble is if I use lemon, it means I'll only be able to clean my microwave on pancake day. This is the only time I ever have lemons in the house. Yeah, well if you want to clean your

microwave of lemon smell, do you just brush a kipper in there? That could be fun. What about when I text to Frank on his birthday, and I said, hope you have brush a kipper in there? That could be fun. What about when I texted Frank on his birthday and I said, hope you have a lovely kipper-free day. And he said, thank you, I'm afraid I can't promise that. True enough, I did. But that's a good idea. Maybe I'll get

some lemons. What I'd like to do is, you know the little pointy thing on the end? I like to cut that off and use it as mock acne. Put it on the back of my neck. He must have done that. And of course you can use lemon juice for secret handwriting. Yeah, why wouldn't you?

That's very useful at your age. I'm just trying to tick Alan's mind off. He's not the funny guy. Try to see dobbing you in, I think we used to call it at school. Anyway, look, the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise and Alan doesn't walk. We'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from eight. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio.