The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Goodbye Pope

Episode Date: March 2, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank is joined by Steve Hall and Emily Dean. They discuss The Oscars, acting upon dreams and how to get a refund. Plus Frank bids farewell to the Pope.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. Good morning. Steve Empty Hall, as he's known on the stand-up circuit. And, uh, no, he isn't, he isn't, he isn't. Uh, you can text us on 81215, We'd love to hear from you because you're nice. And you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolute. Sorted.

I've done the housekeeping. I can relax and enjoy myself. Yes, but you're getting a slight sore throat, Frank. And I like it. It's like Senator who's working late. Yeah. I like him. Yeah, like I'm in the middle of a filibuster.

Yes. Not that I do fast food anymore. So, yeah, let's call Steve and Emily two-thirds of the dream team. I don't know if you're aware of this, but the show that you two did with Matt Ford has become, I've heard it described as the greatest radio show ever done. Yeah, but that was my agent saying that. Well, I listened in to last week's show

and you'd said that you'd thought that myself, Emily and Matt Ford had sounded with it. Yeah, very with it. And my brother has been mocking me all week because the concept of me being with it is absolutely ridiculous. What are you saying? He's been leaving me...

I hate it when you're modest. Absolutely ridiculous. It's one of our sister stations. That'd be good. I wonder what they play. My brother's taken to calling me Bitty McLean to mock how not with it I am. Oh, well, I don't get that. Just because he's an irrelevant pop star from 15, 16 years ago. Bitty McLean completely passed me by,

but I like the sound of... I bet he had a dazzling smile, am I right? I think he did. Fabulous. What was Bitty's work? I was trying to remember, and he's sort of a poor man's shakadimus and pliers. Blimey, we're digging deeper and deeper and deeper. That's what I love about you, Steve, you like the internet. You click on a link and you're even further into the labyrinth. He's Wikipedia in a tall T-shirt. Yeah? What is that T-shirt?

This is a very cheap T-shirt. It's just a load of hanging light bulbs. It's not a band. You know, electricians are. I thought it was a New York skyline. So did I, Frank. Exactly what I thought. It's light bulbs to form.

This is quality radio we're doing here, describing a visual image. But there's a website where you can submit designs and people vote for them. People vote for the designs. And if enough people vote for the design, the T-shirt gets made. Are you saying that's your design? No. Oh. I should have said, yeah, yeah, it's great.

Yeah, I just knocked this up in a lunch hour. I'm getting so excited about Steve's design of his own T-shirt for the radio. That would feel like a very deliberate piece of advertising. It would be like the biggest waste of time a radio presenter has ever been involved with designing their own T-shirt. Anyway, look, I want to tell you about something slightly supernatural that happened to me. I know we've spoken about dreams on the show before. Yeah, but Martin Luther King was in the studio at the time. Yeah, and yeah and you know he wasn't as good a guest as i thought that was when you decided to stop having guests and after martin luther king's appearance and um i'll be honest

with you he's a bit of a bomb pincher anyway i just let it pass. I thought you were a legend. You were entitled. And also you've been dead 12 years. You got in a load of bit of fun. No, I was... I lay asleep and I had a dream. Right. And in the dream, I... Now, let me give you a little bit of backstory here.

I was at my publisher's a few years ago. I'm loving this so far. And oh, it's like being Somerset Matham. I was at my publisher's and I mentioned to him that I liked an American writer called James Elroy. I don't know if you've Oh, I'm familiar. Yeah. I'd seen him live and doing a talk and all that and read a few of his books and he said, oh have you read his American Tabloid trilogy? And I said no. He said here you go and he handed over

I mean this is great, when you're at the publishers you constantly drop hints about books you'd like to read and they hand he handed me these three beautiful crisp, clean free books and it was so exciting. He put them in a so i took them home and i've started reading i started reading the first one and it's it's brilliantly written it's about

the kennedy assassination right uh it's brilliantly written but um it's very bleak really bleak i mean bleak so um i went back to Doctor Who novelisations. Anyway, this has been a while back. I read 300 pages of it and it is brilliant. But anyway, in this dream, I saw these three books laid out next to each other and a voice was saying, you must read these now. And that was the dream. Now, I'm wondering if it could be some sort of internet i didn't see a cross in the corner of it to click on but i was am i channeling um richard and judy through sam obviously my uh my ethiopian familiar i don't know if you know sam Steve, that's Derek Corris.

That's who he speaks to the spirits. He doesn't go direct to the spirits. No, he has an Ethiopian familiar. Yeah. And that explains his accent. Yeah. But, I mean, how odd. I mean, what an odd thing to dream about. A book I hadn't even thought about. And what's more odd is that I woke up and I got the book and started reading it. I didn't even question it.

You acted on the voices, then, is what you're saying. Completely. So I am now reading James Elroy's American Tabloid Trid trilogy, as advertised in my subconscious. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Yes, so that's what happened to me. I was told to read this book in a dream, and I've started reading.

It's a trilogy as well, so it's a commitment. And have you made any and I've started reading, it's a trilogy as well so it's a commitment and have you made any, since you've started reading it has there been any, like you've read five pages further and you've reached a page that says Frank the money's buried beneath this tree no I'm nowhere near up to it, I've read like 300 pages, I'm miles it's very odd to re-read a book

when you get to my age because you don't think you've got time, I turned down Lord of the Rings, because I thought, I'll never make it. And now I'm reading a book I've already read, for goodness sake. And also, it's got an assassination. Did Lee Harvey Oswald get a dream that said, read a book about Abraham Lincoln?

Is he supposed to inspire me? I'm going to take out Obama. I hope not, but if you heard it here first... This could be an elaborate Manchurian candidate remake. Yeah. Oh, can you see... I can't see Frank in DC in his hoodie. No.

In Postal. You know, I've started wearing my... Imagine I saw you on the news. That would be awful, wouldn't it? I've started wearing my hoodie up in this cold weather. Oh. You have to take it down when you go to supermarkets, darling. It's banned.

I don't go to supermarkets. it's bad i don't go to supermarkets i have people to do that yeah um but no i do look like a a ghost of a monk there's a certain age of face that you don't want to you don't want coming out of her hood it is a bit like et on the bike. on the bicycle. So, yeah, so also, speaking of Abraham Lincoln, I went to see Lincoln this week. Did you? Now, I haven't seen that, Frank, because I worried it might be,

I thought there'd be a lot of men talking. You know, in films, it's just old men talking. I just shushed them. Yeah. And it was fine. There were actually two young women behind me. I actually moved because there was two women behind me talking and I sat somewhere else where there was another two women behind me talking.

We do like to talk. Were they both saying, is that Frank Skinner? Well, he keeps moving. Did you like the film? You know what? The reason I'd put off going is because I'd read a couple of three-ish stars type of... You know, Daniel Day-Lewis is brilliant,

but the film itself... That. It was brilliant. Was it? It was absolutely brilliant. And I was put off. I might not have gone because of those doubters. And I should just trust my...

I'm just going to go to my dreams now for critical appraisal. And funnily enough, I saw, you know Mark Kermode? I do. I do indeed, yes. Mark's a fan of his hair. Yes, I love his hair. And also, I don't think I've ever mentioned him in conversation without saying, I've marked a few Kermodes myself in my time.

But he was on the telly and he said, well, there's this new film I went to see and you know it's got and and the acting about and he took and i thought i like mark come on i've met him he's a nice bloke but basically it's the it's the bloke who you spent your whole life avoiding the bloke who's been to see a film you haven't seen and he tells you all about it and that's what film critics are right there they're those they're those blokes who tell you about films they've seen sure up about it. And that's what film critics are. They're those blokes who tell you about films they've seen. Shut up about it. You see, I miss the days

when, I can't, I believe it was Paul Ross, I can't remember, but there used to be a film review column in The Sun, and they'd award bottles of beer. So you'd get three beers, and they, honestly, I remember seeing Schindler's List, there were four bottles of beer. That's true. What review, how many beers did they give to leaving Las Vegas?

I don't know. Good question. Schindler's List, four bottles of beer. Well, that's quite good. Yeah, I know. I'm not knocking it. No. I've seen most of Lincoln.

I loved it. Oh, you walked. No, no, my wife got very confused and a number of things went wrong. She booked for the wrong day, but when we printed our tickets out, the venue didn't notice, and the bloke said to us, we thought he'd said, are you aware you've missed 15 minutes? And it turns out we'd missed 50 minutes and misheard him. So we came out of the cinema thinking,

well, it was a lot easier to free those slaves than we imagined. Yeah. And my wife was quite defensive because it was her. I was saying, I think we missed quite a bit. She'd go, no, no, five minutes. And we'd missed nearly an hour. If he'd said to me, you've missed two minutes, I wouldn't have gone in.

I can't do that. Well, I thought we'd just missed adverts. We'd missed a whole lot of Sally Field. Steve likes to get banged for his buck, though, Frank. You missed adverts, but they were for slavery. I'm surprised that, a little disgusted actually, that you decided to go in knowing that you had missed

the 50 minutes. Yeah, I'm shocked. Well, we thought it was, I feel like I've disgraced myself and I need to apologise to the nation. The only, I thought it was trailers. You know, it's because the programme started at four. Well, you thought there was a trailer with a man in a beard. No, before I walked in, when I saw the man with the beard,

I did think, that was the moment that kicked in, I thought, well, they've got a very convincing look-alike to advertise Nike. I thought there was an advert on before they'd got Lincoln in it, if I remember rightly. I don't know if it's, honestly, there was something, I remember thinking it odd. I don't know if it's a board game or something.

Action figure. Anyway, if anyone is thinking, oh, I'm not going to go because I read that dodgy review, I urge you to go. It's brilliant. Unless you're not very bright. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. You were talking about your cinematic experience.

You'd gone to see Lincoln, and Omar has texted in, and he says, hi, you should try watching a film here in Dubai. It is acceptable. Have you got the timings? I've never been to Dubai, actually. You've not? No, have you been? No, I haven't.

I imagine it's a very sort of... Has it got like a roof on it or something? Yes. Isn't it like a sort of macro climbing? It's a very, very hot Westfield. Oh, is it? OK. That's what I've heard. It is acceptable to take babies into the screening

and take calls on your three mobile phones. It's a different world. It is. Well, it's a different country, at least. No, I remember seeing a snooker player interviewed and he lived in dubai i can't remember which one it was now it wouldn't be davis and when he said he lived in dubai i thought then he said favorite food steak i thought and then they said who's your best friend in snooker and he said well i've got a wife and three daughters so i don't really need

other friends i thought doesn't jim davidson live there as well does daughters, so I don't really need other friends. I thought, ooh. Doesn't Jim Davidson live there as well? Does he live in? I don't know. Yeah, he does, yeah. He didn't until recently. I don't think we can discuss him. Well, I think we can discuss him. He still exists. You know, innocent till then, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. My mother acted upon a dream. She had a dream in which a man appeared out of the clouds,

escorted by angels and was brought to her bedside. And then years later, she saw that man at a party. No. Recognised him, and it was my dad. Is it really? Yeah. It was odd, because he was usually brought home by the police. But, yeah.

That's such a lovely story. And she wrote to a newspaper about it, told this story, and was Letter of the Week and won half a crown. Oh, she was Letter of the Week, fine. Yeah, half a crown as well. Not to be sniffed at. Was there a danger that she'd then start acting on other dreams? Well, I don't mean... She had a dream that there was like a guy in a space hopper. I don't know why that oneed out. Was there a danger that she'd then start acting on other dreams? Well, I don't mean...

She had a dream that there was like a guy in a space hopper. Not after the way that one worked out. And funnily enough, this very week, the same night that... I had dream night this week. Normally I don't remember my dreams, but on Monday night, they were all there laid out before me. I had my book trilogy to read,

I had my reading list, and also I had three separate dreams that my girlfriend, Kath, was being unfaithful to me. I had my book trilogy to read, I had my reading list and also I had three separate dreams that my girlfriend Kath was being unfaithful to me. Did you? In one of them I had a man by his throat up against the wall of a bar saying, if you're going to do that

don't do it right in front of me. Well, I had And then did he say can I recommend this book? Yeah, and it was 50 Shades of Grey. I'm a bit of a pharaoh with my dreams, Frank. Oh, yeah. No fat cows in my dream, though.

No, I should hope not. No. I dreamt only this week, it was an extraordinary dream, that I was on my way to work for Simon Cowell. Oh, yeah. It's not that extraordinary. No, it is when you find out it was a horrible little pokey office and I was spending my day and I just started doing it like this was the most natural thing in the world,

filing and refiling black and white photographs of Buck's fears. I don't know why I was doing that. I just thought that was normal. Anyway... Original line-up. I can't remember that level of detail. I'm not as forensic as you when it comes to dreams. Oh, I see.

My first thought would have been pre- or post-coachcraft. That's what you want to know. I think Bobby was in it still. Oh, good. But I remember thinking, what a horrible office he's got. And I was happy doing this. Yeah. But the point of me telling you this is that... I've heard that the box for his archive could do it i lost my phone in the

dream oh it's on the edge of my seat i lost my mobile phone right and then a series of sort of terrible incidents because as a result of me losing my phone so when I woke up I thought I'm going to be really vigilant about this phone I think it might be important and I was sitting on the tube I know, but it happens occasionally it's a recession, we've all got to tighten our belts and I had my phone

it had come astray from the headphones and it had fallen in between my lap oh god and as I got up I checked for it and I thought, maybe that dream, you see, that made me... That's why I've still got my phone. I'd love to know if any of our readers have acted upon things that have happened in dreams,

as both Emily and I have this week. In fact, I must admit that when I had these dreams about my girlfriend's infidelity, I woke up furious and upset. But I did mention it to her I'd said, you know, I had three dreams you were... Sound like you to raise an awkward subject

But I mentioned it and I was, you know looking for a slight flicker of the eyelash or something, sort of twitch, twitch in the corner of the mouth but I think I'm alright, who knows It's a less inspiring speech because Martin Luther King had got up and said, I have a dream in which my wife cheats on me Yes, I had a dream that says three books.

Oh, indeed, I was working for Simon Cowell. I was working in the Bucks Fizz archive. Steve, are you a dreamer? I used to have dreams, and then I got married. What, you mean you just... I just gave up. Oh, OK. I I think you stopped sleeping probably

doing some old club comic material do you ever dream jokes that's always I used to keep a little notepad next to my in case I dreamt

anything and you'd wake up think I've been inspired and you'd read it in the morning it would say things like I'll tell you what blokes like

boobs yeah that would be the extent of the joke yes I have but there's some comedians who have obviously thought no I'm using this Yeah. That would be the extent of the joke. Yes, I have. But there's some comedians who have obviously thought, no, I'm using this.

And they've actually done all right on it. So, you know, more fool us, I say. Yeah, I've never dreamt a good joke. Imagine dreaming a fabulous 20 minutes of stand-up that was brilliant. That'd be the best thing ever. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, obviously, we've been discussing the Oscars. No, we've been discussing films, rather. I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm too excited. Having discussed Lincoln, of course, which was Oscar-nominated. Well, I got an Oscar. Indeed. Did you stay up? Oh, God, no. Well, I was invited to be on the Sky coverage of the Oscars,

which sounded really exciting and lovely. But having had a baby this year, I'd seen one of the films, I think, nominated, so that was a bit of a waste of battery. But no, it's a bit... Did you stay up? I stayed up. I watched...

Brilliant. I get quite excited by... Yes, that's very Steve a bit... Did you stay up? I stayed up. I watched... I get quite excited by... Yes, that's very Steve. I can imagine you staying up. Well, it's trying to find somewhere, because I haven't got a TV channel that shows it, so trying to find live streaming on the internet. Is that Sky in your house? We use one of their rivals. Oh.

I didn't know they had any rivals. What is it? We use Virgin Media. Oh, okay. Slightly better broadband, I find. Is it the David Tennant thing that's drawn you in? I've been sucked in by that. I can understand it. So how did you watch it then? So I found live streaming on a dodgy internet connection.

But it's quite a nerve-wracking thing, because you don't want to associate the words live streaming when you're seeing Shirley Bassey sing a song. No. Just because she's of a certain age, you worry. Yes, she might be live streaming. Let's hope not. So Seth MacFarlane, he got quite bad reviews

that Seth, didn't he? He did get some very bad reviews. He was a bit of a... His hair's a bit too black, though. This was the host. Yes, he's Family Guy, I believe, that's what he's... Yeah, and Ted, the film. Yeah. I haven't seen Family Guy, but then I'm not 11 and I don't live in Wisconsin. I don't...

For me, particularly. I didn't realise that. Yeah. But his hair's a little bit... I'd call it Eileen Drury black, Frank. Yeah. Do you know what I mean by that? People can...

I think... I don't know. He's not old, though. Is he Seth MacFarlane? No. You have to be a bit careful when you... In fact, there's a man on the telly now with exactly the same problem. Is that if you dye your hair too dark...

He's a friend of the show. What happens is the discrepancy between the colour of your hair and the colour of your face becomes alarming. In your youth, they're pretty well shoulder-to-shoulder, the cover of your hair and the colour of your face. But people who dye their hair, that starts to separate out. And you see the grey face of the elderly, with jet black hair, terrible

sort of Andy Warhol creation. Yeah, hence me calling it, referring to it as Reagan Black. Yes. He did in his later years. But he was, Seth MacFarlane, he was a bit of a silly billy about women. And he got in trouble. Yes, he was. I didn't see all his stuff. I saw

some pretty ordinary stuff about... I don't like to criticise other comedians. It's a difficult job. But it's Daniel Day-Lewis stuff. He went, you know, First Port of Corn was about his preparation for the roles and all that. Yeah.

But, you know, it's a tough... I know, you know, I hosted the Brits and it was like gazing into the very depths of hell. So I imagine Seth's probably had a couple of sleepless nights since. Well this was described as, he was described as the worst host of anything ever. So that's good news on the Brits front. Yeah. I've been superseded.

I thought you were very good at the Brits. Because it got its highest ever ratings, that was the thing, because it was popular aiming at a younger demographic who were fans of Family Guy and so on. So more people watched it. Highest ever ratings, that was the thing, because it was popular, aiming at a younger demographic who were fans of Family Guy and so on, so more people watched it. The trouble is, it has an American audience. So he says, I was talking to Jennifer Lawrence,

and I go... He's going to do a joke. You must know he's on his way to a joke. Applaud her later on when she gets nominated. Did you see the filthy creep incident with Jack Nicholson, Frank? I did. Now, what do you guys think? So we should say, so Jennifer Lawrence is being interviewed.

Jennifer Lawrence, in case you don't know, is like a very pretty young actress who was nominated for... Well, they know J-Law. Yeah, OK. J-Law's big. And then suddenly, in mid-interview, though, it's not like he just went up to her in the party after. She was being interviewed on the television.

By George Stephanopoulos. And Jack Nicholson turns up. Is this one of your dreams? Yeah. What was great about it is that she didn't play it like a professional actress. To him, she went, oh, it's lovely to meet you and all that. As soon as he went away, she went, oh, she was like the teenage girl on the night boss who's just been spoken to by a homeless she had that she wasn't trying to hide oh then he came up and said i'll see you later she said oh my god she said i need a rear view mirror it's such a good um gang i didn't know she was talking about um that particular thing because he tried to chat up chat an Anna Friel a few years ago.

Did he? And she'd said to him, you're old enough to be my grandad, to which he replied, yeah, but you still talk to me for ten minutes. To which she wants to reply, that's not impressive at all. Well done for not needing the bathroom in those ten minutes, you old man. Yeah, but we don't know what happened after. Jack knows, he's in with a shout because he's Jack Nicholson. And I think he's thinking, time's running out,

I'm just going to play every card in my hand. I don't want to be left holding any cards. I'm going to go for all of them. And he really did, I mean, I know, isn't he? It was a bit Lord Renard in lots of ways. But it was, it's sort of Jack Nicholson. You sort of don't, it was... It's sort of Jack Nicholson. You sort of don't... Yeah, exactly.

I was going to say, Frank, if it was Dame Maggie Smith doing it to Daniel Radcliffe, I'd have a problem. Yes. You're right. I'm just going to hold on to that idea. Absolute. Absolute.

Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Talking about the Oscars. We were. Oh, Frank, before we get back to the Oscars. We were. Oh, Frank, before we get back to the Oscars, could I just... We've had communication from a reader on 918.

Darren in Surrey. This is Read Dreams. Frank, have you never heard the old saying, Friday's dream, Saturday told, will always come true no matter how old. You'd better keep an eye on your good lady. Hmm. Oh.

Oh, yeah. I think it was Monday I had that dream, so an eye on your good lady. Hmm. Oh. Oh, yeah. I think it was Monday I had that dream, so I think we're all right. Yeah. I like someone who refers to a partner as a good lady. It's quite Noel Edmonds, my lady. I like people who still use proverbs. It's dying out, the use of proverbs. And they are great sackfuls of wisdom.

Hmm. Hmm. I saw Milton, you know who Milton Berle is? He used to be an American comedian from the 50s. I think he was known as Mr Television, if I remember rightly. Excellent. Oh, was that Steve Penk?

Anyway, Milton... I saw him host a show in Montreal, the Montreal Festival, and he had not changed since the 50s, basically. He came on. This was a very sort of right-on crowd, and he went, Hi, got a really hip crowd tonight.

Look at the hips on that broad. And I thought, well, this is like a gangster film. Wasn't he meant to be legendarily blessed by nature? He was, yes, but we won't go into that. But he did, yes, there was a moment in the foyer of the Delta Hotel when he displayed this gift. And nevertheless, there was a very sort of arty theatre group on. It all came on in black pole and ex-sweaters and stuff and did some...

A bit beatnik Tony Hancock the rebel very sort of serious and they did some theatre a bit of mime and stuff and he walked back on and went gay I was at the airport the other day just moved on

from that it's a monstrous character anyway so you know there's many ways of hosting these big shows. There's a story about him, because he'd been around for so long, he could do any... He can do callbacks or jokes about things that were 40 years old. So apparently he did a... His microphone started feeding back.

And this was sometime in the 80s. His microphone started feeding back, and he said, I hope there are planes doing a World War II reference and it took the roof off. Did it? Brilliant. Apparently he once said to someone

Milton Berle as in the wings and he said give me a phrase of any kind give me a phrase and the guy said what do you mean? He said just give me a phrase and he said okay I'll see you Monday and he went on stage and said, hey, I was in a... I saw I went to the bar the other day.

I saw... The guy said, I'll see you Monday. And he did it in such a... Like, it was... It sounded like a punchline. People laughed. Now, that might be great that it worked, but what level of cynicism do you have to get to

to be demonstrating that in front of a live audience? He was, I imagine, a difficult man, Milton. I don't mean Milton who wrote Paradise Lost. No, he wasn't a barrel of loss. No, I think he was blind, as they say in the West Midlands. He went blind? It has two syllables if you come from places like Cradley Heath, Blackheath. Is that because you've had your sight taken away from you by a lion?

That's what it sounds like, the way you're saying it. The lion. I don't know, but I'd like to do some more Milton Berr after this place. I'd like to do some more John Milton. A little onward lend. What is it? A little onward lend thy guiding hand. Are you on lost or postponed?

Your fear itself of death removes the fear. Good night. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall is with us this morning. And you can text us on... The sound of one hand clapping. And clapping in a fairly uninfused way. It's actually two hands.

Oh, it was two hands. Text us on 81215. 81215. Or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on Absolutes. I'm still laughing at that attempted round of applause. Well, often on more professional radio shows, I suddenly realise that when you introduce a guest on that, they either have a posse who clap or they have taped...

Let's call it claptor. It's a mixture of laughter and claps. That sounds horrible. It does, doesn't it? Frank, there's an email I'd like to read out. Do it! And I think you might want to hear it when you learn that the subject line is more

on Daniel Craig's casual subversion of Frank. I like it so far. Hi, Frank Allen. Oh, sorry, Steve, that's awkward. And, of course, the wonderful Emily. This is what it's going to be like with having two popes. Yeah, 100% like that. I was perusing James Bond trivia

and happened across a little tidbit of a fact in that the film titled Die Another Day is from an 1896 poem called A Shropshire Lad by none other than A.E. Houseman I think someone

has pointed this out before, actually. It's all those pensioners outside running. I like Frank's use of oi, oi, oi at the A Houseman Live. Now, I understand that JB purists will argue... I thought he was going to say Priestley. James Bond purists will argue that Die Another Day was a Piercece brosnan fronted bond film and they would be right what i find more interesting is given this new evidence one would argue that daniel craig's eagerness to take on the role was fueled not by the challenge

the kudos or the international recognition which would be garnered by such a role no i say that the ae houseman link proves that his campaign against frank started way back then anyway i love the show oh sorry it's praise um but he says frank has my support should it come down to daniel craig or him well i hope it doesn't come to a fist fight he looks um you know he looks pretty tasty frank i i'm an old man commander he uh he does yeah he's one of those blokes he's just got too big just a bit too big to look good in a suit. You know, when you see rugby players in a suit, you think, ridiculous. Wear a onesie.

Well, the bigger Craig gets, the more he looks like Alex Reid. Yes, he is going. And someone, I think, texted in here to say that he was becoming Sid James. But, you know, you can get... See, I look terrible naked or in swimming. No, you don't. Oh. Oh.

I don't know what your good lady's going to say about that. No, I'm basing that, in fairness, I'm basing that purely on... Basing in fairness, isn't that? On the borders of Scotland and England. At the basis of the Vengaboys material. Ah, yes. Well, you practically were naked. I was a younger man then.

I was built like a greyhound. To balance it out, we need to get Craig to dance to that music in just his pants. But you know, that would look fantastic. It wouldn't look funny, it'd look fantastic. But he is, he's gotten... See, even though I look terrible in swimming trunks I look I look great in a suit

you do all those bits but he he's too big for a suit I know what you mean Daniel Craig it's a bit too big for a suit

that's every time he's mentioned now that's the next thing I'm going to say until I it's like too big for his boots he's getting too big for his suit he is it's a bit like when rugby players are forced to go to black tie dinners yeah when you see

rugby players at the sports personality of the year and they look like stripper grams who is going to come off at any second they look like desperate down looking off the back of a settee it's not a good look Frank Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio we've had a text Frank from 527

on the subject of dreams 527 has written morning all I have had a Paul McCartney yesterday moment I woke up this morning with the lyric we crossed the line

in 4-3 time I am sure someone must have written these words but maybe not yesterday moment. I woke up this morning with the lyric, we crossed the line in four three time. I am sure someone must have written these words, but maybe not. Has anyone heard these words before? And am I perhaps special? So did Paul McCartney get the lyrics? He got the tune to yesterday.

Because wasn't it called Scrambled Egg? Yeah. He got the tune in a dream? I didn't know that. And he was convinced for ages that someone else must have written it. So he went round with it. He had it in his head, but he thought, oh, someone's bound to have done it. If only George Harrison had done that with My Sweet Lord, he would have saved himself an enormous court case.

But he just had it as Scrambled Egg. Yeah, Scrambled Egg. Oh, I once went..., I was filming abroad, and the day before we left, the director, his wife walked out on him. It was very, you know, awful. It was terrible. And I thought maybe he won't come,

but no, he battled on professionally. And we went to a beachfront karaoke club, and it was very jolly, party atmosphere. And he said, I think I'm going to get up and do karaoke. Did you do Elvis Costello because that's one of your party pieces?

I did. I actually, I did Elvis Presley, I think. Oh, yes. I think I did The Wonder of You. Oh, lovely. And I actually said Wanta,

which is what Elvis seems to say. That's the Wanta. Oh, he does. The Wanta of You. I never worked one, too. Oh, he does. The one, too. I never worked that out. Unless it's rhyming slang for Monter. Anyway, the director bravely got up and I thought, great,

because he's putting a brave face on it. And he sat, I didn't know what he was, he sang Yesterday. And he sat on a speaker with his head bowed. And what yesterday? Oh, my Trump... And it was... Oh, my God.

I mean, even the people who didn't know the story could tell this was a broken man. Oh, he didn't start speaking the lyrics. Why you had to go. Oh, no, it was... I couldn't have borne that. What a way of cleansing yourself like that, you know. Some people would do therapy, you'd do karaoke.

Did anyone follow what was the next song? I hope someone did something like Shut Up At Your Face. It's not so bad. That would have been good. Don't worry. This enormous fish came up on a big plaque and sang Don't Worry, Get Happy. Oh, Billy Bass. Oh, big

mouth Billy Bass. What happened to him? Those were the days. I suppose they've all been retrieved by cats. Yeah. Along with the dancing. There's a lot of empty plaques all over Britain. The dancing flowers, Frank, as well. Now those were brilliant. I've never seen you look so intense

about any subject. Those were brilliant. I got one of those for Room 101. I don't know if it made the edit, but I think it was Sheila Hancock. And she'd never seen one before. She was... What, is she Amish or something? How did it pass her by? I think, I don't know, maybe she's chauffeur-driven.

She's classy, isn't she? She's very classy. She doesn't go to gadget shops. I don't know if you... In case you haven't seen those dancing flowers, get this. I'm not making this up, you play music and plastic flowers dance along. Yeah, yeah. Wasn't all bad in the 90s. Frank, 133.

And those action men that just move their elbows and crawl along the pavement. Talking of action men, 133. Morning, Frank. Today is Daniel Craig's birthday, so does that mean today he would look OK because it would be his birthday suit? I'd vote for that. Is it really his birthday? Apparently, yeah.

Well, I'm going to sing a song just for Daniel. Rachel Vines. Rachel Vines. Everybody. It's Rachel Everybody Every morning You greet me I was going to bleep greet And just leave it to the order But I

You know It's cheap It's cheap I interviewed Rachel She is very nice We did well He did well there I was just saying that About Barack Obama She was a contemporary of mine Oh, he did well. He did well there.

I was just saying that about Barack Obama. She was a contemporary of mine in North London, Frank. I thought Michelle done well with him. I think he... I think you're right. She got the best of the bargain. She's nice, but he's the cat. I noticed they kept Michelle Obama away from Jack Nicholson at the Oscars. I think...

Just in case. She's attractive, but I think she got the best of the bargain. I think he's a handsome man. But then Hillary got the best of the bargain, if we're going to be honest as well. I always thought Barack Obama looks a little bit like Barbara Bush. She got the January sales. Frank. Frank Skinner.

On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Is it time to have a little wonder over to Email Corner? Email Corner. I borrowed that sound effect from Carl Douglas' Kung Fu Fighter. Oh, yeah.

How were those cats? Were they fast? In fact, it was a little bit frightening. That's my favourite line from that song. Why sing about it? You're torturing yourself.

Reliving what was in fact a very scary experience, Carl. He's got post-traumatic stress disorder, though. He's got post-traumatic stress disorder, though. He's forced to retell his tale. Frank, we've had an email from... He's called Canaan Grawl. Canaan?

Grawl. Or growl? What would you say, Steve? I'd say Grawl. I was wondering if it was a misspelling of grill, if it was some sort of fast food restaurant in the Holy Land. Canaan Grill would be very good yeah i'll have the unleavened canaan hi there he says um hello divine miss m oh this is this is a personal correspondence i'm reading out i apologize all good i'll check it's clean just listening to

the latest podcast all the way over here in calgary can Canada. Oh, I like a Canadian. And on the topic of eating on public transport, I remember once on a greyhound trip between Toronto and Montreal, the woman sitting behind me opened a Tupperware container of smoked fish on a bus with no openable windows. The stench was overwhelming to all. It was a very fish-jerky move. Love the show. Thanks, Kane and Grawl. That's pretty extreme.

I imagine that would have smelt like any Megabus I've ever been on. I'll tell you something, though. I thought Tupperware was very much a domestic British thing. I didn't realise it was in Canada. Oh, no. They have Tupperware parties over in the US. Do they really? They used to do that in the 50s a lot.

You don't seem to take Tupperware for granted. It's a brilliant, brilliant thing. Is your mum a fan of Tupperware? We used to have a man who used to come round the door selling Tupperware. Well, I heard she dreamed about that man or read about him and that's why he appeared. And I love

the opening of Tupperware. It's one of my favourite things. It's very satisfying. It doesn't really... It peels. It peels open. And you get that... Hold on, just get me sandwiches. Brilliant.

We should launch Tupperwareness Week. Yeah, excellent. But people would think that was about Alf Tupper, the 1960s cartoon character from the strip The Top of the Track. He used to be in, I think, The Victor, if I remember right. Are you familiar with Alf Topper? I'm not familiar with him. Alf Topper was a runner, an athlete,

but he was very much a working-class hero. He used to... Oh, lovely. He worked as a welder. That was his day job. Oh, flash dance. Before they were buoyed up by sponsorship. a working class hero. He used to, he worked as a welder. That was his day job. Oh, flash dance. Before they were buoyed up by sponsorship.

He worked as a welder and also he lived, he trained basically on fish and chips. And Alf Topper, he'd always turn up, he'd have to get the boss to the event

and he'd get there a bit late and he'd still get out there and the people he beat were always posh, public school type toffs who looked down on him and then he was fabulous. It was a sort of,

the whole thing was about class in lots of ways. There was a character in Roy the Rover's, I think of food often played a part of it where every week he had to eat his bubble and squeak and that was it. He could only play. It wasn't the goalkeeper, Toby Morton, was it?

No, he actually played for Manchester Overs, Toby. This was a lesser story. It was one of the regular series. It was like The Wheelchair Wonder, but it wasn't The Wheelchair Wonder. Yes. Don't go down Milton Burley. He was a kid who was in a wheelchair

apart from when he could get up to play football. The Wheelchair Wonder. Surely Professor Stephen Hawking should take that up as his... Oh, God, it was all going so well. ...as his bill matter. I don't know if he does much vaudeville.

Have we got time for another email? Are we going to do more Milton Berle chat? I'm going to... Sorry, I'll never mention Milton Berle again. I feel I've let you down, I've let the readers down, and I've let myself down. I've let the readers down. And I've let myself down. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So, staying in email corner. I didn't see it. It's like the Yorkshire at the end. Email corner. I feel like it's Harvest Festival and I've taken some nice tinned food round to the pensioner.

What have you got one of those loaves that looks like a plat? Yes! Oh, I love those. Holler? I've never actually eaten one, but they are impressive, those. Like eating a big pigtail. Big, fat pigtail. But when...

Sol's Ribbon? Yeah. Carry on. Big fat pig tail But when Saul's ribbon Carry on Or scrunchie We've had an email from Luke Who says greetings I was strolling down the road the other day Taking in the podcast as is my want This sounds like it's been read out by a policeman in court

You were discussing the placing of food on a plate and you started to play with the idea of rice surrounding a curry, somewhat like a caravan, on wagons on the planes in the Cowboy Times. We did discuss that. We did. Luke continues, I patiently waited for the spaghetti western pun to arrive, but it never happened.

Naturally, I wouldn't want to praise the show, and I think it would be daft to admonish you on missing this open goal. Okay. He says, I think it would be daft. I think he means it would be daft not to admonish you. Yes. But I don't want to admonish him on...

His appalling grammar. Oh. Have you met his grammar? She's not well. He carries on the obligatory night's move. Emily, Kurdistan is blooming lovely this time of year and I'd be happy to escort you and any of your people from InStyle magazine should an off-the-grid photo shoot.

Extraordinary potential trip. Yeah, that'd be great. I have no idea what Kurdistan is like. I bet it's interesting. You've been staying in Lemon Kurdistan this year, haven't you? Yeah, exactly. Is that where lemon curd comes from, Kurdistan? Wouldn't it be great to discover that? That's lovely work.

The lemons there, they're not very solid. They're quite glutinous. Are they? Yeah, and they just put them in jars. Hey, Presta? I'd love to see a bit of Kurdistan. I haven't, I haven't, I think I'd play well there. Is this a knight's move that may have worked?

I think it might have. Well, it's quite a date, isn't it, come to Kurdistan? I've been further. Oh, there's so many, how many stands are there? I've been way further. Thanks, Luke, I'll... How many stands are there in total in the countries? Well, Kurdistan isn't actually a country, I think it's just a region. Shut up.

I think Kurdistan. I think it's just a region. I think Kurdistan. I think it's a bit of Turkey, love. It's a little bit of Iran. There's Uzbekistan. That's a country, isn't it? Yep. I love this. This is like being on a stall. This is like pointless. This is being on a stall with two market traders.

We need Richard Osman. It is. We need pointless. We need the most obscure. Ishtan. That would be the category. I i cannot hear the word of course spaghetti with the phrase spaghetti western without thinking of poor eli wallach indeed who uh who i uh who was in the good the bad and the ugly as the mexican band oh yeah and who i uh do you know this day i went to see him oh yeah i yes i'm yeah what happened well go on he was he said when he was offered a spaghetti western so it didn't make Do you know this day I went to see him? Oh, yes. What happened? What go on?

He said when he was offered a spaghetti western, he said, well, it didn't make any sense. Spaghetti western, spaghetti western? That doesn't make any sense. It's like Hawaiian pizza. He got quite a laugh. And then about 40 minutes later, he said, yeah, well, the thing is with the spaghetti western,

it didn't make any sense to me. It was like Hawaiian pizza. Obviously, the audience thought, well, you've already said that, you're awful. They were just silent. And it's a terrible... He's still going strong. He's 97. Eli Wallach. Oh, here we go, Milton Berger. There's an Aussie singer, there's a more uplifting Eli Wallach note.

There's an Australian singer called Darren Hanlon who wrote a song called Eli Wallach about how much he loves his work. And Eli Wallach heard it. And he's just this Australian troubadour who travels the world with his guitar. And he got an email saying, we've just played Eli Wallach your song.

And he's been dancing around his room listening to it. And then they filmed a video together of one of his other songs. So Eli Wallach appears in Darren Handen's video, I Wish That I Was Beautiful For You, and he plays an old man getting ready for a date, and it's beautiful. Well, that is a nicer story. You see, I was going to interview Eli Wallach.

Did you say that is a nicer story? Oh, I thought you were saying it in a Joe Dolce. No. Nicer story. interview eli wallace did you say that is a nicer story oh i thought you were saying it in a joe dolce no nicer story no but i was going to interview um eli wallach on my chat show and having seen him make this terrible error in public i um i decided against it and we didn't do it did you american publicists say are we graciously decline no i I said I've dropped a wallock. Anyway. Absolute, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had another email in from... I'll do email corner. It's getting a little bit dark now, Steve, that. I've got over the... Email corner. No. No, that's way too sinister. Email corner. John Edwards has written in and said,

Hello, as he played friend of the show last week, Frank was a little nostalgic about when he used to play more jingles. I am too, and about one jingle in particular, which is why I would like to tell you that here in Toronto, the snow is melting and many trendy young women are wearing wellingtons with the Hunter label at the top of the shoe. Oh, I love Hunter. I just checked the price of these, and they are about ten times the price of my plain black wellies, and can't possibly keep your feet drier.

Perhaps fashion expert Emily can tell me why the Hunters are so dear, and perhaps Frank has some music he can play while she does. Okay, shall we try this then? Okay, okay well you tell me why they're so expensive why are hunters so dear because they're deer hunters they are deer hunters the thing with Wellington Boots. I think this is what he was getting at, isn't he? Well, this is Waterloo, obviously, which was won by the Duke of Wellington. Oh, you've mixed it all up now. After whom Wellingt's were named and let's not forget and it is often forget

that it wasn't just the allies that were victorious that the Prussian army fought against Napoleon led by Field Marshal von Blucher who also had shoes and boots named after him the blue shirt boots

so what I've done there is a double whammy shoes and boots named after him. Is that correct? Yeah, the blue shirt boots. Oh. So what I've done there is a double whammy boot. It was intriguing what you did there. Reference, yeah. But they are, hunters are expensive. It's an old British company. The Queen wears them. Does she?

Yeah. Well, obviously they don't prevent gastroenteritis. I'm not familiar with that. They didn't help Princess Margaret either. How much would they be then a pair of uh approximately 49.99 50 pounds i don't know they are dear aren't they i have a pink pair frank i've heard that you but you know i don't you're not in that section of my sensibility. I realise you're a good friend. No, but some people think that's a bit Katie Price. Yeah. I disagree.

I think it's important to feminise country garb. I don't want to look too... I worry I can look a bit Vita Sackler West in the country. This is the problem. And also, I think the fun thing is, if there was a massive foot-and-mouth epidemic and you were walking over a field of pig carcasses, you wouldn't be able to see your own feet.

I mean, you know, what a lark. What else? Well, I had an invitation earlier today to go to Kurdistan. Oh, yes. Do you recall? And I was saying what's the most obscure? Istanbul. Oh we've had a few. We've had a few. 095. How about this one? Turkmenistan. That's from Terry G. Don't know that one. No that's why it's obscure. 827. What about Baltistan in Pakistan where K2 is? Pretty obscure. Baltistan. Do you remember Professor Balthazar,

the cartoon series? Oh, no, I don't. OK. Something else that's been plaguing us is what was Bitty McLean's big hit? I've had a flash that it might be, because this is trying to stick to the strict no Googling. Google if you don't know,

but don't Google if you don't know but don't google if you don't remember uh and it it might have been dedicated to the one i love which i which what mamas and poppers it could it could well have been a cover version okay this is yeah but that's i'm at the very fringes of my synapses in my brain the fringes of your synapses in my brain. The fringes of your synapses. I like that. It makes your inner head sound a bit like a Buffalo Bill outfit. I prefer Twisting My Sobriety, to be honest, to Fringes of My Synapses.

That's Tanita Tikaram. Oh, I remember Tanita Tikaram. Yeah, I once saw her college application form. Somebody showed it me to show what a fool she was. I thought it was an invasion of privacy. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Emily Dean, Steve Hall. Texas on 8, 12, 15. Twitter, at Frank on Absolute. Stop all the clocks, because I think someone's left the building. I think we know who we're talking about. Benedetto, they cried. Benedict, it's a sad day for you actually because the Pope

is gone. Yes, we don't have a Pope at the moment. We're Pope-less. Pope for his own. Son Pope. Son Papa. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it.

Oh, OK. I don't like the whole thing. I know, you know, he's poorly, but we have a saying in the Catholic Church, Pope till you drope. I know it's not perfect, but I think it's from the Latin. It hasn't quite met the translation. Once you pope, you can't stope.

Yeah. That's working even better. Oh, I think it's... I'm not happy on this. Why aren't you happy? What do you think? Well, if I wanted to be... You know... I feel you're going to be... Well, one of the big things with your

lay Catholics, your man and woman in the street Catholics, is when we get married, even if it goes wrong, we have to stay married until we die. I don't see why the pope should have a get out clause oh not a good example is it is that true so you have to you have to just hang in there yeah you have to and even if you split up and marry other people and all that unless you get a special uh they have to hang it's kind of one of those one of those motivational

posters but rather than a cat holding on to a tree with, hang in there, it's just a really miserable couple. Yeah. Sat on the other end of a sofa with nothing to say to each other. Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, if we had to stick with that, I think you have to stick with potpourri. Yeah.

He can't just walk. Well, he has walked. Well, no, having said that... Not that well. He's done it in style. Because I would like you to shed some light on some of the sartorial choices in his last days in the gig. Yes, he did go a bit... It was an extraordinary choice.

You know Frank used to talk about the last days of Daybreak. Not Daybreak, it was pre-Daybreak. GMTV. Yes. And they went a bit wild because they had nothing to lose. I thought he did that, clothes-wise. Well, the double-breasted overcoat, it wasn't a million miles from her. When Elvis sang If I Can Dream

in the 1968 TV special in that white suit, the double-breasted jacket, it was just like that. He'd put that jacket on, it was a bit big for him. That was a mighty outfit, that big white overcoat. It was a bit all the president's men, those lapels. I mean, I wish he'd... You know, he's got a move in... white overcoat it was it was a bit all the president's men those lapels i mean i wish you know he's got a he's got a moving uh when he's in st peter since he's got a bit poorly

he has a moving platform that he goes about on like a little like a papal segway that moves about like a dalek i hope it's got a cross on the front. Apparently, at one thing, he actually went, excommunicated! But if he could have gone on the platform and worn the long coat, it would have been like Camberwood Green. He'd have just come on, you wouldn't have been seeing any movement at all. They would have thought that was a miracle.

The other shocking news, he's not allowed to wear the red loafers anymore. No. And strangely, he seems to have been sentenced to only ever wearing one pair of shoes. Yes. Well, it's the red, they looked, they were very ruby slippers. They're from Prada.

I can imagine that as he gives up, he's got to click his heels together three times and say there's no place like Rome. Yeah, and then the whole of St Peter's goes back to black and white. I think he should wear Uggs. I'd love a Pope in Uggs, an ex-Pope in Uggs. Why not? I don't know what the canon law is on ex-Popes in Uggs.

No, I don't either. I'm not happy with it, I'll be honest with you. Were you sad to say goodbye to the old fellow, though, Frank? Well, yeah, but, you know, I think there'll be all sorts of implications with him just slinging his hook like this. And, you know, I don't buy the ill-off. You think it'll lead to a rise in divorces with people saying if he can do it. Yeah, I think all sorts of quitting.

He's basically, he's encouraged quitting on a general level. He did say thank you and goodnight, though, which was very Foo Fighters. I liked it. Yeah, he did. He said thank you and goodnight. In Latin, but he Foo Fighters. I liked it. Yeah, he did. He said thank you and goodnight. In Latin, but he still said thank you. As a garlic or an eat-out voice? He thanked his Twitter followers as well.

He's modern. Did he? Is he staying with Twitter? I don't know. I thought that was his last tweet. His last tweet as Pope. He'll probably have to have a new name. See, I put my foot in it.

I was reading this, and I said to my girlfriend, I said, you've got to admit there is something appealing about just living in your own room in Castle Gandalfo and just living a life of silence and prayer. She says, oh, that appeals to you, does it? You know, you think, there's many, many ways of putting your foot in it when you're in a relationship. But fantasising about a life of silence and prayer you wouldn't think was a

but didn't go well at all frank frank skinner on absolute radio absolute radio i'm gonna cough brace yourself that's like someone in the soap saying, I'll be okay, honestly. Your contract's up for renewal. I like the fact that we allowed you to cough. We didn't try and talk over it. We thought, well, we don't want dead air whilst someone's having a coffee fit.

No, that would be terrible. I like the way that in soap operas, people say, I'm just going to have some air. And people aren't suspicious of that. To clear their head. If I said to Kath, I'm just going out for some air, she'd be on the phone to a private detective before I actually shut the door.

OK, so, yeah, so the Pope. Oh, yeah. I'm not happy. What, Benedetto's let you down? Who are those men outside who make it a bit like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with their weird clothes the swiss that's the swiss guard oh that's their job looking after the pope the very second he became he stopped being pope they cleared off yeah that's what happened with my security exactly yeah but there yeah they wear the stripy trousers and all sorts

of um there's one very handsome one i know that's disrespectful but he's lovely i think he's all right one of the swiss guard i know frank will know I know that's disrespectful, but he's lovely. No, I think he's alright. One of the Swiss Guard. I know, Frank will know, he'll be familiar with his work. He's the Pope's assistant. Oh, well, yeah, I know him. Yeah, he's quite a... He's the sort of Vatican's Jose Mourinho. Yes, very much so. Yeah. So, I am, having said all

that, it's very exciting, a papal election. I love all the, you know, black smoke, white smoke, and all that stuff. Oh, yeah. Accepto is the moment I like. Yes. Yeah. And I've said that a lot in my time. But, you know black smoke white smoke and all that stuff oh yeah accepto is the moment i like yeah and i've said that a lot in my time black smoke is a sort of a a no decision sort of a that's what that's what that means and white pope white not white pope white smoke what happens if it's a black pope is it still white smoke or is it more black smoke what if it's a rastafarian pope? Is it smoke but for three days?

I don't know what happens there. We've actually had an email on the subject. If there's a tie, apparently, Louis Walsh decides who's the next pope. No, but then he says, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't be false to choose. Oh, darn, Dermot.

Dermot. He won't do it. And, of course, there was, I think it was in the 13th century when it snowed in, it wasn't actually, it was held in Albano I think and it snowed so badly that none of the cardinals

could get and the Pope, the new Pope had to be decided by the Paul's panel. The money's on an Italian though. Yes, they haven't had one for a while because John Wilkinson was Polish wasn't he it's not like to be fair it's not like Eurovision Song Contest

they've got some catchy opera to do because I think there was an Italian Pope consistently for about 500 years before JP too I might start saying acceptor if someone asks me on a date I love that if they get the reference they're in you'll just get some work done and then habamus papam that's that's what i'm sorry not on the

first day wouldn't that be great not on the first day if you're in a bar and someone said you fancy going out on a date and you you've got say black smoke in one shoulder and white smoke in the other that'd be fantastic anyway we did have an email. Yes, on this very subject. An email from Gary Percival who said, Frank, I've decided that as you're a committed Catholic with modern ideas, you are the best candidate for the papacy. I've launched the idea on Twitter

and David Baddiel has retweeted my message to his followers. We've got a few people interested. Check out the Twitter hashtag, Frank Skinner for Pope, and hopefully the idea will gather momentum. Who knows, in the not-too-distant future, you could be the lucky winner of a white hat and a new chauffeur-driven car. Yeah, but look what you could have won. Nice.

Speedboat. We're going to pay for speedboat. So there's a campaign. There is public desire. I could be Pope. Are you baptised Catholic, Steve? I am baptised Catholic, yes. I could be Pope. Are you baptised Catholic, Steve? I am baptised Catholic, yes. You could be Pope. If you're a baptised male.

Oh, you're allowed. That's it. You don't have to be. Oh, I'm ruled out on two counts, then. Yeah, but yeah, you could. I don't know about you. I actually looked up the Twitter campaign, and it's a real thing. He's not lying.

So we can back this up. The only person who's retweeted it is David Baddiel. So the only person who supported it is a Jew who might have some reason to want to bring down the Catholic Church. But already that suggests I'm bringing people together. I'm not even Pope yet. This is all very well. I've healed 2,000 years of hurt.

I'm not sure it's the kind of job you can get via a Twitter campaign, though, Frank. I do think you'd be a very good... Well, he lost it via a Twitter campaign, as far as I can tell. Would you want the job, Steve? I don't think I'm ready for it. Well, I studied theology at university. Oh, come on, then, you're a tailor made.

I feel like I'm overqualified. I feel like I'd ask too many questions. Yeah, but I tell you what, I'd like Arkees in the Vatican. Love it. That'd be good. Love it. I'll tell you what,'d like Arches in the Vatican loving it I'll tell you what though I'd miss trousers I know

I know we slag them off but I'd like that to be your first message from St Peter's I'll tell you whatever I'm going to miss trousers what I really love the idea of all this is that when there's two popes there's the Pope Emeritus and the Pope that if there's a real bad crisis,

it'll be like that episode of Doctor Who, the three doctors. When the previous doctors come back and they work together against evil, that'll be brilliant. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're just looking at the status quo on the telly box

and looking smoking hot, boys. Yeah, I think so. We've had some news in. Read Bissi McLean. Ah, yeah. We were trying to establish what his original song, or his one and only song, let's be honest, was called. No, that wasn't him.

Oh, was that the Chesney Hawks? Is that the Chesney, yeah. Well, we've been overwhelmed. 491 nine one bitty mclean's hit was it's raining it's raining oh god hazel saying was bitty mclean song something to do with rain it's raining it's raining tears from my eyes or something that's from hazel and then uh zero seven says, Bitty McLean, it keeps raining. Brackets, tears from my eyes. Close brackets. Backing by UB40. That's from Phil in Telford.

That's like a piece of my brain from 1993 I've just recovered. That's excellent. It's raining, it's raining. It's raining, it's pouring. My love life is boring. Me to tears. All the Barbara Streisand fans who listen to this show are all joining in. Well, maybe we can get Barbara and Bitty to do some kind of duet.

Barbara and Bitty sounds like a double act, doesn't it? Sounds like a detective series with Pound Ferris. Wasn't Bitty what they used to say on Little Britain? Yes, one of their catchphrases. Well, that's good. Thank you for that. This is when I refer to the audience as yugel. Ah, very nice, yes. That's a torture that I've been released from.

Yeah. Well, that's good. That's good. That's great news. 639-HEAR-HEAR-SKINNER-FOR-POPE. Well, it's going well. I think, because if you become Pope, there will be Catholic secondary schools named after you a hundred because nicholas break my brothers went

to nicholas breakspeare all right the only the only i think i think his papal name i think he was adrian the fourth so what would you what would you what would your papal name be what name would you take could you be elvis the first is that respectful well i i i don't know if i could get away i went to actually i went to a fabulous elvis event this week funny you should mention a friend of mine is uh is a senior figure in the british elvis world and he was in town at an elvis collector's fair which is literally that uh memorabiliaia? Yeah, but just Elvis stuff. Was it like the ukulele fair that you made me go to in Blackpool? No, it was much bigger.

Because that was three men with a pint glass round a table. Yeah, but I did spend a grand on a ukulele. You did. And afterwards I met up with him at a hotel. We went down to the lounge in the basement. It was completely empty. They had to open the lounge for us. And about 12 of us sat in a circle for three and a half hours and talked about Elvis.

And talked in the most obscure, hardcore, no-surrender way about Elvis. Someone said, how much of his sentence did Vince Everett serve in Jailhouse Rock? Vince Everett being the Elvis character. Somebody said, 14 months. Oh, yeah, 14. I mean, it was that level. It was absolutely wonderful. Have you still got the shirt that you bought? Do you still own that?

I bought Elvis Presley's shirt for, I think it was 10 grand. And then in a fit of, I don't know what it was, emotion, I gave it to the Tsunami Fund. Oh. I thought the king would have approved. Steve, I want to know about your life. Because you're not here every week, I want to pick your brains. Well, I'm a fairly recently married man

struggling to make my financial way with the wife. Discussing creating life at some point in the next year. So we're trying to store up the finances. Do you mean having a child? Have you got some big electric sort of thing in the loft and some body parts in jars?

It's an ambitious thing. It saves the pain of childbirth. Yeah. When lightning struck St. Peter's, that's what he said. We should never have let Frankenstein rent out that loft. That's what it looked like, the picture. Love it. Okay. So, yeah. I imagine you're quite well off. Is that not true? No, no, not at all.

You live in one of the smarter areas of London, I think it's fair to say. Yeah, that's I live near where you used to live. That was because my wife had been mugged at gunpoint in Melbourne. So we thought, we'll move her somewhere nice. Oh, I thought you meant... I like we'll move her somewhere nice, like she's Thoroughhurt. Yeah.

She's never not told us she's 97. That's why the childbirth thing's quite ambitious. Yeah, well, you know, in the modern age. Okay. All right, well, you know, we'll have a whip around for you, girl. She went to school with Eli Wallach. Did she? It's like that Hawaiian... OK, all right, well, you know, we'll have a week round before you go. She went to school with Eli Wallach. Did she?

It's like that Hawaiian... Did I tell that story about anything? That'd have been the ultimate, to tell that story twice in the same show. Carry on, Steve, I interrupt. So we're trying to save money wherever we can, while I'm still trying to show her a good time as an Australian in London. Not in a filthy creep sense. I want to show her the sights, but I keep booking for things and then getting gigs in or getting work and not being able to go to the thing.

And essentially trying to blag back refunds when I'm completely in the wrong. And so you're just relying on the goodwill of the company. But essentially having to lay yourself prone before them and saying, will you please give me my 17 quid back? So it's not even large amounts. How do you go about this extraordinary scam? What sort of things? Like theatre tickets? Yeah, theatre tickets or gig tickets.

So there was an excellent singer, Robin Hitchcock, whose 60th birthday is around about now. So we had tickets to see him, but I then couldn't go. And it was sold out. So it's the sort of thing where I'll write to them and say, in that case, I just lied and went, I'm unable to go due to a family bereavement. Oh, no, you shouldn't do that.

I always think there'll be a family bereavement. But I don't ask for a refund. I say, I don't want a refund, but just letting you know, because there'll be two tickets that won't be picked up, so you could put them on resale, because it's sold out. So I'm specifically saying, I don't want the money. And then they'll say, to be honest, it's easier if we just do the refund. Really?

Which I knew was going to happen. Really? That is sly. Can I say, you'd win The Apprentice with attitudes like that. Yeah. Don't you think? I'm still fascinated by it. Robin Hitchcock, it could be... We've all gone a bit Milton Berle.

It could be a film, a Hitchcock movie, where instead of human beings, all the characters are played by robins. Wouldn't that be brilliant? I don't know how well it would do with the multiplexes. But in the birds, there'd be a robin in a small boat crossing across the bay, and then it would have to be bitten by some sort of small... An angry Russian called Joseph Stalin.

Oh, yes. That'd be too big, you see, it'd be too big for the... Stalin versus robins. Anyway, sorry, that was a ludicrous side thing. I'm shocked that that works. Well, I'm intrigued by people's attempts to get... The other thing, if I get on the wrong train, when you're booking to travel and you're pre-book a train...

Oh, when you sit in first class. No, I don't sit in first class. That's a class war thing. But sometimes if I get the wrong... If I'm running late and I miss the train I'm booked on, and again, I'll go in honest and say, I'm dyslexic, which I'm not. You're actually not.

I think I'm on the wrong train. And I've mentioned that to a few other comedians, and it's quite a regular thing that if a comic's got on the wrong train now, there's about six or seven people it's worked for where they'll say, I think I'm on the wrong train, I'm dyslexic, I've read this wrong. And the guardies go, oh, that's fine.

I think we should contact the appropriate authorities immediately. I don't know if that's better or worse than pretending there's been a death in the family, pretending you've got some problem like that. I suppose you could say my mandgra has died, and then you'd play in both cars at the same time. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway.

I'd like to take us into Statue Corner at this point. I don't think we have a jingle for it. Statue Corner. Neal, neal, neal, neal, neal, neal. If you've got anything statuesque, you just talk. It's been quite a big week for the lover of the statue. Because, well, there was Dennis Bergkamp, which is my gaffe, my rules. We'll get to that in a minute.

But, and more significantly, was Mario Balotelli. He features on here so much, Steve. Mario Balotelli? Yeah. That's the best I've got jingled by. I'm quite pleased with it. Do you know what? It's working for me.

Yeah. He features on here quite a lot. He's almost a friend of the show, I would say, about it too. He's borderline. He's certainly borderline. He's commissioned a life-size statue of himself. And it's in that, you know that famous pose, that muscle flex? Sides of death stare pose.

From the Euros. Yes. Yeah. Well, he's took his shirt off and he's... Yeah. I think the phrase you're supposed to use is magnificent specimen. I also like that one, he's quite a big unit, which you hear. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. I've heard that he's quite a big eunuch. Have you? Yeah. Well, apparently the eyes will be made of precious stones. I'm worried about that. It sounds like... That'll cost a fortune.

Well, he's that level of rich now where he can have whatever he wants, can't he? So a statue. Well, can he? Can he have happiness? It's kind of a statue. It's sort of like, they have to call it like on-demand-y-ass. You can get whatever he wants. Is that like Ozymandian?

Oh, he's clever. Brilliant. Yeah, but the sculptor in charge said, apparently, he said the statue will be between the classic and pop style. It'll be rubbish. I'm afraid most modern statuaries are really awful. Never looks like the person clumsily done. With it being Balotelli, it's going to be sort of halfway between Michael Jackson and Colonel Gaddafi.

Commissioning your own statue, it's a level of narcissism that usually only dictators or disgraced pop stars aspire to. I hope Balotelli's is not going to be pulled over and hit with a flip-flop like Saddam Hussein's was. I mean, that was a terrible waste of... Yeah. I... Have a slip-on. I like a nice statue.

Do you? There's one... I was working at the BBC this week, and it's a bit sad now, because people are basically looting. You know, the studios are about to close now. Well, that's gone very last days of GMTV. Yeah, there was no signs on most of the dressing room doors.

They've all gone. People have had to just put stickers on the door to say... I mean, and in the centre of there, there's a statue of Helios, the Greek sun god, and he has got the best bomb. I mean, it is perfect. i've stared at that statue and i don't know if i ever told you when i went to florence for the first time i saw donatello's david i love donatello's day and sort of yeah he's more or less naked covered in flowers and

i stared at him for so long that um the woman I was with became concerned. And I get the same with Julius. I sometimes think, you know, that I got on the wrong bus, maybe, in life. But, um... Wow. Wowza. Maybe come back to this. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio. Frank, 656 has texted in. Frank, just on the way to visit Peter the Wild Boy's grave. That's from Nick and Emma. What a fabulous day out. Also 550, Pope Francis of Oldbury has a good ring to it. I love that.

It does sound nice. I'm warming to this whole theme. Pope Francis of Oldbury. And then you could have a statue commissioned of yourself as well. Yeah? Balotelli style. And then if you had... statue commissioned of yourself as well. Yeah? Balotelli style. And then if you had... I feel bad about being on my own screensaver. Which I am.

But, I mean, commissioning a statue is like... That's really pushing it, isn't it? Where is it? Is it in his garden or something? Yeah. You can't have it in a public place. Is that his gaff in Italy? I suppose if it's in your own garden. Because there will come a point where you will have a statue.

Where would you have a statue? Outside the hall? In the Vatican, he'll have the statue. I'd be happy with it in the garden. Then I can sit in my own shade. How lovely would that be? I'd like a really big one, like Colossus of Rhodes. It's got a canal running under it.

What would you have? The two thumbs up pose? Oh, Paul McCartney. Yeah, probably I'd go for the, in the England shirt, punching the air. How awful. How tragic. I've always really liked that. Have you ever seen that?

I think it was an Italian artist who did like a plinth, upside down plinth. And the writing's upside down, and it says something like, the baseth. Yes. Upside down plinth. And the writing's upside down and it says something like the base of the world. So what he's done is he's put the entire earth on a plinth. I like that. But it's like upside

down. Brilliant. Because they had on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square they had was it Rachel White Tree or someone like that did? Rachel White Tree. They did an inverted version of the fourth plinth. Yes. In sort of perspex. Did they? Do you know, Dennis Bergkamp's going to be outside the Emirates.

Yes. Which will be lovely. They've got a few. It's getting crowded outside the Emirates for statues. They've already got Thierry Henry, Don Quay, and who's the other one? Don Quay? Herbert Chapman. Yeah, Herbert Chapman.

Tony Adams. That's why I said Don Quay, sorry. Oh, sorry. Not Don Quay. I don't think anyone called him that anymore. That would be great if he went. chapman yeah uh tony adams i meant that's why i said donkey sorry oh sorry not donkey tony adams called donkey but ah that's great the idea of him going as don king to a thing that'd be brilliant if they had don king outside the emirates i'd love that that'd be quite you know what i'd like a bit of clean in It'd be good because the bird dropping would give him that sort of grey tips that he has on his head. They're having Odom Wingi outside QPR.

I'd love that. Aye, aye, aye. Well, we can't follow that. I think they should have a statue of you serving burgers outside the Emirates. So there's the story and a half. Steve, thanks very much. It's always a joy to have you on the show.

Obviously, it's always a joy to have you on the show, but I'm not going to say that every week like some sort of fool. You know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. And thanks for joining in. Thanks for listening. We love you all.

Goodbye. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.