The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Got No Innocence

Episode Date: July 26, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week Frank and the team discuss The Commonwealth Games opening ceremony, camping holidays and their superhero powers. Frank also shares his radical new showering method and calls on the readers for the perfect rhyme to the lyrics 'got no innocence'.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Riding How. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Annie Cochran. You can text us on 81215 if you like. It'd be crazy to do it if you don't. And follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Email us, remember those? Through the Absolute Radio

website. Lovely, lovely design on that baby. So, um... Morning. It is actually Alan Cochran. There's not just any member of my family. Why did Frank go A.E. Cochran? Extraordinary decision. Alan's a bit of a mouthful. Isn't it? That's what I've heard. cochran there's not just any member of my family and why did frank go a cochran extraordinary decision alan's a bit of a mouthful that's what i've heard um strange no offense but it would be

quite a strange name to call a child now alan yeah oh listen what's that noise no i always i have a theory that whenever you say what's that noise the listeners can't hear it only we can hear it oh really it sounds like there's a mosquito that noise the listeners can't hear it, only we can hear it. Oh really? It sounds like there's a mosquito trapped in the whole system, doesn't it? There is a mosquito trapped in the whole system. I've told you that before. I've said never bring up the mosquito in the system

that you can't shiver. Do you think we're one animal rights people standing in Golden Square saying, um, mozzie out? It's intermittent, isn't it? It's going and going. No, it's the cockerel's stomach. No, it's not my stomach this week, I promise you. Food prices have gone up. It stopped when I stopped eating bread all that, didn't it?

I wish I'd stopped my waiter because I've not had that mosquito. We've actually had an email from... I thought it was like a sort of a poor man's blood sausage to eat a mosquito, like having a black pudding. But I didn't find it very fulfilling. Carry on. That was our little dog in the playground moment and it's passed. We had an email

that's somewhat about my name. Remember last week when I confessed that I did not have a love for cricket? In fact, I went a bit further. I think I went a little further. It was ugly between you two. We've had an email titled Cricket that says, was Alan aware that there is

a Cochrane Street round the corner from the home of Cricket? I have taken a photo with the Lord's Floodlights in the background but can't see how to send it via the website and I'm not on the Twitter. I like the term the Lord's Floodlights, it sounds like a religious thing. It's a reference to the

Aurea of Borealis. Or as I call them, the Lord's Floodlights, it sounds like a religious thing. It's a reference to the Aurea of Borealis, or as I call them, the Lord's Floodlights. Sounds like the Northern Lights thing. Look it up. Oh, by the way, about this for a challenge, because we've got some very clever wordsmiths who listen to this. Oh, yeah. It's that time of the year, of course,

when all the schools have broken up In Alice Cooper's song Schools Out When he says we ain't got no innocence We can't even think of a word that rhymes I bet that one of our readers Can think of a Something that rhymes with innocence

Yeah that's what I think can happen If you can give us a text on 81215 Okay Brilliantly inventive texting slightly strange if you don't mind me saying i know but i'm getting i'm getting really good at this now oh yeah that's what i think carry on carry on i've read it too okay i said you had two did you say you had two things nine six seven um't, did I? Oh, there is another one about Lords, actually. It's looking a bit suspicious that you might have said I had two things in.

Dear Mr, Mrs and Master Radio, the whole radio family. Firstly thought I'd say I love the show, and I know you won't read this part out if you read the email at all, but, oh, right, now I see. Ree Frank's comment last week that Lords Cricket Ground was the oldest sporting venue in the UK in 200 years I read that out, it wasn't my thing since the first game there

I just thought I'd get in touch to let you know the Ascot race course was founded in 1711 meaning the first race there was 303 years ago, sorry Frank but you're out by 103 years, keep up the good work well it was, I just read it it's like when you try to guess my age, you're out by 103 years. Keep up the good work. Well, it was. I just read it. It's like when you try to guess my age,

you're out by that mark. Also, 1711. That's Hugh from E.U. I like they went for 1711, not 1710, though. They're a bit inventive. I was reading the paper this morning. It's the sun or the mirror. They've basically become each other.

And that bit, you're thinking, oh, it's interesting. Oh, look at that. Look at her. Look at the size of this woman. And then you get to, oh, it's interesting. Oh, look at that. Look at her. Look at the size of this woman. And then you get to, oh, it's a horse racing in the middle. And then I never get to the second half of the paper. No. Horse racing drags me down.

Mm-hmm. I don't know what my dad would say. He loved her flutter. Oh, did he? Did he like the nags? Oh, yes. Um, yeah. Absolute.

Absolute. Absolute. Radio. frank skinner on absolute radio hey you've started something on the texts hey well yeah you have oh i've worked out the noise as well what was that noise well apparently the vent the air vents here the new air vents are too big and it causes a reverberation. We need thinner vents. We ain't got no innocence.

We need some thinner vents. You see? Such a lie. I just thought you could crowbar that in. I wouldn't say it was crowbarred. I'd say it slithered in. As it happens, one of the texts that we've had is, mosquito can be heard listening via DAB radio. Thankfully it wasn't a swarm.

So it's good to know that the listenership could hear that as well. I was a bit worried they were just going to think that we'd run mad, the three of us. 897 Innocence down the shop with a handful of pence. No. Because it's got to be Innocence. It's got to

rhyme with the hyphen. Okay. Kerry who is on the show today, has very cleverly said, what about in a sense? Very good, Kerry. So he could have said, got no in a sense. Well, I suppose we have in a sense. Yeah.

That would have been brilliant. Why would he have gone some strange Birmingham accent? Well, he wouldn't have been in and done it in that. He'd have done it as Alice Cooper. I guess we have. Well, you know, like in a sense. If he in and done it in that. He'd have done it as Alice Cooper. I guess we have. Well, you know, like, in a sense. If he'd have done it that way. One of the most concise texts we've ever had is Pestilence, Stuart.

Well, again, it doesn't fall the full rhyme of inner. I'm loving what a hard taskmaster you're being. I'm just telling you what he said. Sorry, Stuart. They're not my rules. I respect you for it, mate. Well, Stuart, I think people are going to rhyme in dictionary and they'll just look in last syllable

and I won't whole thing. Oh, you think they're cheating? If you keep on cheating, they're cheating badly. In events. I'm assuming you're going to be similarly harsh on 267. How about omnipotence? To rhyme with innocence. Sorry, not good enough.

I like the fact they've put how about omnipotence brackets total power, closed brackets. I don't know if they've explained what it meant. You guys are going to need this information. What about my meal, Mummy, for tonight? What do you mean? My dinner pence.

Dinner pence. It's easy to have said that. I'm not innocent, but they better remember their dinner pence. That would work really well if anyone in the world had ever used that phrase. Well, we used to call lunch dinner. So we used to say dinner money at school. So dinner money, dinner pence. I'd have allowed Alice...

Oh, we didn't do that. It just added to the account. I'd have allowed Alice a bit of poetic... That was all dinner money. Yeah, I got preschool dinners. You know my moment with Alice Cooper? I must have told you about that. Oh, yeah. I interviewed about that. Oh, yeah? I interviewed Alice Cooper. Oh, yeah?

You know this theory of agape, when you suddenly feel complete and pure love? Is that how you say that? I thought it was agape, because you mentioned this about a month ago. Of course you did. I've already got it wrong. The woman who said, the bloke who said, I see a tulis as in court.

Tulis-er. I got that wrong last week. Oh, I mean, I couldn't, I didn't know where to look. Oh, yeah. Tulisa. I got that wrong last week. I didn't know where to look. The Guardian. That's where I should have looked. You were talking about Alice Cooper. Agape.

So I was interviewing him and I suddenly really loved him. I felt real unashamed. And I'm not like a giant fan or anything. It was just human being to human being did you express it? how could I say that? I just looked at him and thought you know what you're a beautiful spirit. That is one of the pressures of being

a television chat show host is that you can't just blurt out I love you to your guests particularly when you're on drugs I mean that would make the ratings go through the roof wouldn't it? Eda looked on it he's not a man who wants to be loved, he wants to be feared in that kind of way. Does he?

I'm always surprised when Alice Cooper plays a lot of golf. Does he? It's a bit Jamie Redknapp, the old golf, isn't it? Yes. I tell you what I was looking at in the tabloids this morning, there's some new dramas coming on the telly. Lovely. There's a thing with Nicholas Lindhurst and Dennis Waterman

and some other things. And it's that bit when the actors, because they're in drama in the publicity shots, they have to look really sort of serious. And it's the funniest. I'm going to put on a massive exhibition of actors in publicity shots saying it's the funniest. I'm going to put on a massive exhibition of actors in publicity shots saying it's a drama.

They're doing drama face. Photographers say, right, OK, guys, here we go. Remember, drama. OK, got it. Want to bring that down a bit, Nick? No, no smiles, Dennis. Down. Brilliant.

That's what I think is happening. If anyone wants to send in any actors deliberately looking like they're I'm in a drama face, I'd love to see them. Maybe we can have a little exhibition on our website. Oh, yeah. Thanks. Oh, God, I've got a completely social network. Yes.

What about In My Pants? After dinner mints? No, In My Pants. No innocence. Especially In My Pants. Yes. After dinner mints? No, I'm doing my pants. No innocence. Especially in my pants. We need to workshop that. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. We were just saying that almost certainly David Beckham

as a specialist person, whose job is purely to say, oh, your breath smells a bit today, Mr Beckham. Well, I should say this came about because I had suggested a celebrity who shall remain nameless has suffered from very bad BO. Yes, and I said that David Beckham would not be allowed to have that because there is someone, I'm sure of their job, they call the honesty attaché to David Beckham and they have to say you've got a bogey bat in the cave, left barrel.

They have to say stuff like that. I'd like to see that essentially as my role with you, honesty attaché. Yeah, I think everyone needs one. But so many people at the top end, they don't have them. Or so many people generally don't have them. We're at the top end now, are we? No, but you know, as I've said before, there's a bad breath. It's the secret

epidemic, bad breath. Why aren't their families and friends saying, whoa, whoa! There is a lot of bad breath. Can you turn? Whoa! Why aren't they doing that? And you're so right, Frank. It's often kind of regional CEOs, I find.

There's people with power and everyone's right to say it. Everyone should have... Decide if you've got an honesty attaché in your life, if you have, and get one. If you need it to be me, OK. Glenn Upwood has texted, how about frankincense, guys? Frankincense?

I don't think it works. And also he's gone guys. Oh, I don't mind guys. He might be writing from Guy's Hospital. He's there trying to help people and save lives. You're taking the mickey. Well, because, you know, he works there regularly. Perhaps he's a big fan of E.E. Cummings,

the poet who used lowercase exclusively. Oh, yeah. Absolute radio here, the home of commercial fun. Jamie and Saffron Walden have said, how about I've got no innocence as I'm travelling into France? I mean, that's not... Absolutely terrible. If he did it I've got no innocence as I'm travelling into France? I mean, that's not... Absolutely terrible. If he did it in his, got no innocence, I'm travelling into France.

That's terrible. Oh, it's not terrible. I love that people are joining in. It's no Connor Clarke, I'd like a thinner fence. No, but that is... I'd like a thinner fence. It's good, but I did use thinner vents. Oh, yeah.

You've workshopped it together, the corporation. You've loosened the jar there. He took half my rhymes. It happens every time. And I am left with a half rhyme. All right, Elvis Costello. I tell you, speaking of successful Edinburgh shows, I was...

I had a dream. I had a dream. What happened? This week. And I know we have a rule about not telling dreams on the show, which we mentioned just before. It's a much-launted rule. Whenever we tell our dreams.

Why do we have this rule? I've told you. Because it's more boring than listening to people's problems. This is quite a quickie. I had a dream that I did. I'm doing Edinburgh. Actually, next week's show is live from Edinburgh. We're moving up there?

Yes, we're basically moving there. Frank is the hottest ticket in Edinburgh, apparently. I've heard that. I should say there will be someone in my property. I should say that my tickets are made of phosphorus. Yeah, they're white hot. But I had a dream and I dreamt a sort of perfect, brilliant, hilarious, award-winning, massively successful Edinburgh show

just in a dream. Did you? I mean, if you'd have heard the crowd response, I stood up and, i you know it was i woke up and i didn't stand up not until after i'd woke up i woke up and i felt elated by the crowd response to the show i'll tell you after what what the show was when i say after i don't mean off air i mean after this lovely song absolute absolute radio frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know we usually get a good text from Ian Angle every week, I would say.

Yeah, he's a consistent reader. Yeah, he's excelled himself again. Frank, if you keep dreaming, you'll turn into a Z-list celebrity. Oh, yeah. Too late. Strong work. Too late. And the 760 has said,

A rule you don't talk about dreams, not on my radio, you don't. That's true. We do do it fairly frequently. Was there a click then, do you think? I imagine it was, yeah, not on my radio, you don't. No, they finished with great show,

but I didn't read that because we don't do praise. But thanks for saying it. I always say, don't get me wrong, it's nice of you to say it, but when are your DJs reading out, oh, I really think you've got a brilliant show, I think, don't be so immodest. So, go on, what happened in this dream then? Well, you stormed it. I went on stage

in Edinburgh, and Was it a big arena? How many are you playing to? It wasn't that big, but it felt, it was packed. And my show was, um i did um you know hopelessly devoted to you oh do i know it from greece i think it might have been written by louis st louis a friend family friend really i told you about him he wrote greece yeah he was so good, they named him... So, it was me, but not really singing.

Basically, I went on and went... HE LAUGHS Half-mumbled, the song. Not even half-mumbled. HE LAUGHS And the crowd were going absolutely... I mean, really, they were going mad. When you say going mad, do you mean as a positive?

No. People weren't holding their ticket up going, 27.50! It was storming. Can I say my Edinburgh tickets are not 27.50? They're sold out anyway, aren't they? Sorry, trying to put people off. They're not sold out.

They're not sold out. I thought they were phosphorus. But it was... They are very phosphorus. So did you just... You just stood there in a suit singing that badly? No way to hide. Did you have one of your suits on?

Is that... Was it the full... I don't remember. I was wearing one. People clapping. They loved it. But they... It was absolutely stormed it.

I mean, they... It was like... I'm welcome. You know, that two seconds, you think, why haven't I thought of this before? Oh, yeah. So much easier than writing jokes. Frank, please don't do that.

No. I mean, it is easier than writing jokes. I'll absolutely write there. No, don't try it. Don't try it. it is easier than writing jokes, so I'll absolutely write there. No, don't try it. If I just start like it, I could go on and go... Quite high risk to do at the start, but yeah. Alan, it's quite high risk to do it. You may never get that power back.

I could say I was just trying out the microphone there. Maybe an encore? Yeah, definitely. Do it as the encore. I'd love that. I had a lovely dream about David Niven this week did you? he was giving me love advice he's got plenty of that of course what with Nessie and all that

he said I was talking about my boyfriend got a boyfriend? yeah and he said he's a lovely man but he's young. And the young man, they're full of euphor. And I think he meant euphoria, but I didn't want to correct him. So now I'm just going to use that as a word.

Because it was good enough for David Niven. But wasn't euphor that security company that was disgraced during the 2012 Olympics? I think that was G4. Oh, was it? Oh, Frank, do you know what? If you did that show... U4, the security company, they look after sheep.

I'd definitely pay, what is it, £27.50 to come and see that. OK. It isn't £27.50 in Edinburgh. Tickets still available, but not as fast for us as we thought. How much is it? Oh, I don't know.

He just knows they're not £27.50. I'd get in free. That's one of the things of being up on stage. I really like about it. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Oh, I do. I did this week.

I experimented in the shower. Uh-oh. Oh, what do I did this week? I experimented in the shower. Uh-oh. Oh, no, I hate these shower tales. I have a very rigorous, I think I've told you before, very disciplined procedure in the shower. I facial scrub, and then I wash my hair, and then I work my way down. That's what I'm worried about.

Culminating in the cavities between each toe. Oh, yeah. He likes to put scrub. And then I'm done. This week, I don't know what got into me, but I went in feet first, so to speak. Did you? So I got in the shower. I hadn't planned it.

Can I just ask do you use a very small worn down piece of soap is what i'm imagining well i tell you what i do is um now here's the strange thing if when a piece of soap starts to get a bit on the small side so less fun i um i keep it for um below the waist. So I use the new tablet down to my navel, and then I'll go back to the small soap for the lower areas. Oh, okay. Well, actually, that's a good system, because when you said that you'd experimented with cleaning yourself feet upwards,

I was thinking, well, hang on, that means that you're washing your face with something that was just moments ago of washing your feet and even your nether regions, shall we say. But if you're using separate bits of soap, that's fine. It's not as imagining as I thought. Why didn't you use shower gel?

I'm just thinking, would this show be more annoying whenever you two spoke? I went, hmm? I think it would for the listeners, but that is my favourite bit of it ever since I joined. Be sound, you wouldn't be able to listen to it, would you? Stop doing that!

Well, that's true, that's true. And I've realised that when you start at the top, of course, there's been some drippage and drainage. So by the time you get to the legs, they've already been primed, so to speak, by stuff running down. But it's... Like glistening. And you do, yeah, you do. You feel your

steadily moving filth towards your mouth is what the feeling of churning up. It's like the feeling of showering up looks like. It's like the 90s for you all over again. Yeah. But it was... I think it's good to challenge these... Yeah, yeah.

...the systems of life. I go right the other way. I do a full handstand. Do you? And just shower myself. Can I ask you a personal question? Yeah, why not? Um...

Mm-mm-mm. We can't all do it. It'd be weird. Do you use soap as well? Pardon? Do you use soap? Yeah, I was going to ask you if you use soap. Is this an intervention?

No, because I don't think I've ever used soap. I think the honesty attaché has arrived. Do you use soap at all? I'll be honest. I'm a fan of the shower gel. Me, I'll see. Except I pay for mine. Yeah, that's different. I know I don't.

Don't be crazy. You don't. You go to the shower gel room at your office. Shower gel cupboard. I actually paid for the one that I'm currently using as well. Do you ever condition? No. You see, I occasionally condition.

And here's my thing. It usually says, someone told me many years ago, it might not even be true, leave the conditioner to sit on your hair for about a minute and a half. And then it gets a chance. Am I right, Em? You know this. So what I do is I put the conditioner on my hair

and then I shower really quickly all the other bits. I think, better hurry up otherwise, because there's a moment when conditioner stops doing good and starts doing evil if you leave it on too long. Oh, really? It turns bad. If I was to find, say, a snagged nail on one of my toes and get preoccupied and forget about it,

my hair would probably be completely white like Billy Idol's from the conditioner. Is that what happened to him? If I left it on, yeah, that's what happened. You over-conditioned. He was washing his hair and, yeah, he had an idea for a song. He keeps a waterproof notepad in the shower for such moments. By the time he'd changed, you know, he'd messed about with the verse, didn't get it quite right. instead of just doing a rough draft

and doing that later he tried to get it all in the show and he had completely white hair What about Mark suggests, how about this? To the copper I pleaded my innocence after I crashed my car into the fence. Again, not a rhyme with inner sense. It should be like pinner vents. He's made so much effort, though.

OK. Well, you know, I'm glad that people... Lovely that Mark has tried, you know. But, you know, it's lovely that people go into the Olympics or the Commonwealth Games, indeed, and try to win medals. If they don't, they haven't won medals. It's great that they were there, but no medal. OK? 760 has texted,

Who buys soap nowadays? Surprised they still sell it. What? Well, I agree with that. Where does one buy it? What about Losh? That's a soap shop. That is a shop of soap.

It is, yeah. Yeah, but they have soap with egg and bacon and things in it. I don't want that. It's a shop for weirdos. I just get little bars of soap from hotels. Because you just shower gel. It shouldn't be sold. Yes, of course you get small bars of soap from hotels Or I use shower gel Yes of course you get small bars of soap from hotels I've got a whole room full of them

I'm surprised you don't use soil to clean yourself Well it's funny you should say that It's not that funny I broke a record of my own for non-shower or bathing this week It's not as funny as hopelessly devoted to you. Slightly mottled. What's the longest you've ever gone without an official bathe? This is a question.

Oh, is that your question or from a listener? I mean, in my youth, we didn't bathe at home. Right, because there's honesty attached here again. Yeah, exactly. We didn't bathe. This week I went Monday morning to Thursday evening. Monday morning to the... Oh, you absolutely disgusting animal.

With just a couple of dips in the sea to sort of... That's all right. It's not a few dips in the sea. That is a bath. And a few baby wipes. Yeah, that's right. Oh, did you do a prison wash then? I wouldn't have a bath if I'd been swimming.

Yeah. Frank, did you... You'll dry your skin out. That's all you'll do if you do that. We figured that it was a treatment in some places, wasn't it? Like a sea salt

shampoo thing, so we just thought, well, that'll do. Keep making yourself feel better. Yeah. Do you know, I sometimes,

twice a day sometimes... Oh, I love a two and three shower day. You have a bath twice a day, are you going to dry your skin out? Oh, says all dirty people to make themselves

feel better. You know, when I go to all the big festivals, you know, the Isle of Wight, Glastonbury, I don't bother to bathe there. Great tunage.

Did you really live a bath when you were growing up? Very, very rarely. Because to get hot water, we had to put the coal fire on. We had to build a coal fire. He's not kidding. I'm not kidding. He's somewhat Dickensian, though, isn't he? You are.

The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience. Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text us on 8.12.15? Come on. No, people have, and it's been lovely.

Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio, or email the show through the Absolute Radio website. Oh, I'll tell you what we need to talk about this morning. Kevin? No. We haven't even touched on this yet. What about the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games did either of you see it

oh yes I saw it what about Barrowman I mean I'd like to talk for maybe two hours straight on Barrowman I am a Barrow fan oh so am I I love Barrow I experience Barrow fan Oh so am I I love Barrow I experience Barrowmania

Pardon? What was that? Barrowmania What's Barrowmania? A mania about Barrowman Oh okay I didn't think that was a tricky Structure to work out

What about when I sat with him once And he went through the labels On all his clothes Did he? He went Hugo Boss Armani TK Maxx TK Maxx Did he? Yeah the labels on all his clothes. Did he? He went Hugo Bas, Armani, TK Maxx, TK Maxx. Did he? Yeah. He was proud of his bargain hunting.

I'm warming to him now, actually. Well, I once had to do a big... Sport Direct. I had to do a big toast. My back, my luggage is Sport Direct. The one with the man with the alley that's, you know, limited edition. I'll tell you what's weird,

he was completely Scottish on the opening ceremony. Was he? This is it. He segues. He segues. I was talking to someone. That's a California thing, though. Someone I know is Scottish.

No, he travelled on a segway. Yeah. In fact, looking back, I can't believe there wasn't a Segway in the opening. There was everything else. It was screaming for a Segway, that opening ceremony. I was doing a toast, a group toast, at the end of this TV series, and we all had to raise champagne, and I don't drink,

and I said, well, I'll hold up champagne anyway, and then just not not don't shoot me you know me with a camera because I won't be drinking it and he said no no this is not and he ran off Barrowman and disappeared off into this into the hotel area and then came

back about five minutes later with an orange juice in a glass for me and I thought I loved you anyway, but now I love you even more. Oh, that's nice. Oh, I love Barrowman. Did you have a garp for him? Agape?

Agadoo? No, I had a gap for him. He was very much a star. Sorry, I misread that. I had a gap voucher. He loves a bargain, I've heard. He got some hooded top with a gap on the front. Oh, yeah.

He was very much the star of the show, wasn't he? He was. Of the opening ceremony. Oh, yeah. It was all about the harem. Well, I don't know if it was all about... The thing about the opening ceremony, it was about the people.

It was the people's opening. I'll tell you what it was like, Alan, if you didn't see. I think the Commonwealth Games, unlike the Olympics and the World Championship, always has an element of school sports day about it. Yeah. Yeah. It's something. And this, it was like a school fete, the opening ceremony.

It was. I mean, any moment I was anticipating a tombola. Oh. It was like, it was very done, it was like deliberately done down, I thought. Oh, yeah. I think deliberately. It was school play, you know.

Right. But did you like it, Frank? I did, I really liked it. It was presented by some Scottish woman called something Dunbar. Karen Dunbar, yeah. Do you know her? I think she's a Scottish comedian. Yeah, it said that.

I've got to be honest, I'm not very familiar with her work. But Kath, at one point, said to me, she wants to be careful she doesn't over-flare her nostrils. So it's very interesting. I think I've just done that. That's what she said to Black Beauty. And she was. Every time she said something, she really pushed them to the very

outer limits of nostril work. Did you see the gay kiss? I did, yes. I loved the gay kiss. Yeah, Barrowman did a gay kiss. What? On an opening ceremony for the Commonwealth Games? It's just the 21st century.

Don't give me that look. All right, Prince Philip, over there. No, I was just curious. Who is Gaza? Yeah. Wow. By curious. I was just curious, yeah.

Now, the only issues, I had a couple of issues. I'm going to move to Scotland. That's what I've decided. I'd love to live in a sort of children in need, cheap T-shirt, nylon wig, everyone mocking in kind of world. It sounds brilliant. And is that Scotland? Is that what you've just depicted?

That's how it was depicted in the Elton ceremony. I didn't like... Children in need, tartan wig. It is quite like that. There were people with tonics, tea cakes, cats. Yeah, on their head. Big cats.

Didn't the tartan get a bit of a slagging off? Isn't that what happened? Well, when the teams came out, because I've got a few words to say on some of the national gear. Maybe we should hold out for this because we need to play music now. Oh, okay.

Honestly, you missed a treat. Yeah. There was someone dressed as a treat as well. Oh, really? All the confectionery. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. Oh, sorry, I've got a bit of toffee mouth. Oh, dear.

These things happen. So, anyway, so the kilts. The tartan. But you know when they all come out and they have all the... Well, it's not really national dress, is it? No. It's just something they feel reflects the flavour of the country. Well, it's not...

Isn't it national dress? Well, our national dress isn't Black Blazer and Microsoft Inventor slacks. Which is what we appear to be wearing. Oh, I see what you mean, yeah. Wales had snide Harringtons. Did they? Snide. You all went a bit sweet, Ed Frank.

I must admit, as always in ceremonies, I bail out before the athletes' contest. Oh, do you? The parade of athletes. I know it's funnier in the Commonwealth Games because of the outfits, but I don't want to look at fit people in suits. You miss it. I suppose you know, fit people in suits. You miss it.

Especially really strong, big people in suits I find really upsetting. Really? Weightlifters in suits and that terrible thick necks. You missed a treat with the Maldivians. I've often thought that. But they got some

flack, didn't they, the Scots, for the kilts? They were quite, it was sort of techno-tartan. Yeah. I didn't they, the Scots, for the kilts? They were quite... It was sort of techno-tartan. Yeah. I didn't mind it. Me neither. I didn't mind it, but I didn't like the, what I call, QI panelist shirt teamed with the kilt.

Oh, I see. Do you know what I mean? It was a pale blue shirt with a slight pattern. Football focus, yeah. Whenever I watch football focus, and bear in mind these men are all either athletes or sex athletes, I always think maybe the shirt, you know, the dress shirt, the bottoms collar, was a mistake. Because it never looks right on any of them.

No. It's always pulled to one side, their shoulders look weird. When I watch Gary Lineker, who I'm a big fan of, presenting the Commonwealth Games, all I can look is the tightening buttons around the stomach area, and he's got a good bod. Well, I don't find that a problem, I have to say. I just find...

Well, I just think... I find that an incentive to watch. Well, I just think maybe dress shirts are a mistake. Mm. Mm. I concur. I saw Subo was on, of course. I added a bit of extra tension there. No, it does, though saw Subo was on of course I added a bit of extra attention to there

No it does though Subo Well she got the lines wrong Frank Did she? Yeah Mull of Kintyre Hang on She got Mull of Kintyre wrong

And you're telling me about John Barrowman first That's big news isn't it Well because you know You're always not sure whether you can talk about Subo Oh No She's a troubled soul Well I don't know

She seems better. But Claire Balden, I felt, wasn't trusted. She interviewed her in a real quick fire. So you go, well, she'd say, yes, I am. And then there was the next question. Right. I think what you don't want from Sue Boe is a second sentence.

No. Because they think she might go a bit avant-garde. Uh-huh. Avant-garde! Yeah, and you could tell she was a a bit avant-garde. Avant-garde! Yeah, and you could tell she was a bit nervous, Claire, and she wouldn't let him move on at all. And I thought, she looks nice now, and she's got, you know... Oh, she's scrubbed up lovely.

No, she has, God bless her. What about when the Malaysian president of the Commonwealth Games couldn't open the Queen's Battle? You know, I missed that. I was gone by then as well. How did you? I saw the Queen. I thought, oh, yeah, I know what's coming next now.

Speeches and stuff. She didn't jump out of a plane or anything? It was all pretty normal? No, she jumped out of a cake. Really? Yeah. Tiny bikini. A ton of tea cake, was it?

Did she put lipstick on? Yes. Oh, yeah. She reapplied her lipstick. That was my favourite moment ever in life. The Queen had an Emily Dean moment. Yeah, she did. She puts her own lipstick on.

No way. What goes through her mind? Does she look and think, oh, I don't look quite hot enough, I'll put some more lipstick You know what had happened? Honesty attaché. It was six years. Honesty attaché. Lean forward saying that lip's looking a bit blue, mum.

Mum. That's all I have to say. Either that or she got some post and opened it and realised, hang on, I don't look like the stamp at all. She doesn't look that lipstick-y on the... That's a good point. You've got her mixed up with Pat Butcher. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. What about when Chris Hoy was denied entrance to the Chris Hoy Velodrome? That's funny. One of my favourite stories.

That is, that's very funny. So have you got any ID? You do the answer. Brilliant. I can't do the answer. No. one of my favourite stories that is, that's very very brilliant on your on your bike, that'd be great that's worse, that's like you being denied access to that central reservation in Birmingham yeah that would be outrageous but I find that the security's pretty lax there

we've actually had an email saying there were cameramen on segways Frank oh there were? apparently so I'm, Frank. Oh, there were? Apparently so. Oh, were there? I missed that. I'm afraid when Barrowman's on screen, the periphery stuff just goes into blur. Yeah, you can't be looking on the edges.

I've actually watched some of the sport, though. I didn't see the opening ceremony, but I've had a bit of a result, because every time I've turned it on, either something exciting or something that I have a passing interest in has been on the first one. That's true of television, isn't it? No, not at all. There's loads of telly that just does nothing for me. You know, and not just cricket.

I don't know what to say, though. Stay away from cricket. The first time I turned it on I saw the young man win the 200 metres breaststroke. I didn't know he was that young man. He's only 20. Okay. But he did a really cute thing where he won it by a time that he's never done.

And so he sort of touched the sides. And then when he turns around, there's a shot of his face when he sees his time. And he's literally going, oh! He's looking like, oh, I didn't know I could do that fast, it's really good. And it said that he's also competing in the 50 metres breaststroke and the 100 metres breaststroke. This guy just breaststrokes all the time. Breaststrokes for England.

I wonder... I know he doesn't. I just wondered if... He might even commute to work. I wonder if he lives on a river and he studies down the road. I'll just swim to work, swim to training. Swims everywhere, that guy. And they mentioned David Wilkie on the commentary.

I don't know why, but David Wilkie gives me flashbacks to school. I don't really know why, because I think he last won a medal in 1976. I was born in 75, so why do I know who David Wilkie is? Let's not all start talking about when we were born, for goodness sake.

That'd be awful. so why do I know who David Wilkie is? Let's not all start talking about when we were born, for goodness sake. No. Goodness sake. That would be awful. Also, I don't think I have, who do you think you're kidding, Mr Hitler, as a jingle? The reason I think of David Wilkie is that when I was being taught to swim a few years ago, the man said the best way to get your goggles on steam

is to gob in them and rub the saliva around and that's what David Wilkie used to do did you do that? I love that you did that I had to write to David Wilkie I sent him a container and a self addressed envelope

so that he could send me some of his saliva and you use it for mosquito bites as well now, don't you? Oh, I don't know about that. I think I want to keep that. For me, you know, we'll keep the goggles. That's what we say in Aros. Email corner? Yeah. OK. Let's do it. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Email corner? Yeah. OK. Let's do it. Let's start with what I'm going to call email one. Oh, yeah. Let's start at the very beginning. That's a very good place to start.

Lovely. All right, John Barrowman. Thank you. Re, more interesting timings. I was happy to have a re on the email corner. This is, of course, to do with Frank's observation last week that you prefer to set the alarm to a slightly unconventional time, don't you? You don't like the twelfths. I was up at, I think, you know, the oppressive twelfths,

five past, ten past, quarter past, forget about it. Who tells us we have to do that? So my alarm went off this morning at 6.04. Oh. Wow. And I felt already I'd started an alternative universe, started the day. You've started something of a revolution.

Quite a few people have tweeted us about this. And this email, which is from V Hughes, says, my son had his grade one trumpet exam today at 12.39 in Hertfordshire. Brilliant. I thought it was a misprint but it was correct and he went in on time. I felt quietly excited about it since you'd raised

the issue and I wanted to applaud the Associated Board of Music Examiners for their stimulating scheduling. Yes and I do too. Also I don't know about you, but I've always really fancied playing the trumpet. Have you? Yes. I went to I think it was

Weymouth on holiday with a few friends. I'm sorry about that. And they had a resonant band on in the club there, and there was a guy who used to play the Lonely Bull, Balpert. And I just fell in love with the trumpet. club there and there was a guy who used to play um the lonely bull um alpert i just fell in love with the trumpet my dream is to learn the trumpet and in future to do all my

car horn things live oh that sounds good that'd be nice for cath i think keep car horns live would be a good uh a good sticker to have on musicians. What do you think? Well, you've got the lips for it, Frank. You're a bit too Lisa. Has he got a natural ombre jour? Have I? Anyway, look, there'll be more ombre jour chit-chat later.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We're still in email corner, but if I could just read a text first and foremost. Oh, yeah, we're free for... I'm interested in what this is all about. Peter342 has texted, Hello Trio, can I try an experiment?

Can Alan pronounce moat, please? You will see what I mean when he does. But he doesn't say what he means. Okay. Moat. Moat. What have I done that's wrong about that? It's not extended. I could do a John Barrowman. Moat. See moat. Moat. What have I done that's wrong about that? It's quite extended.

I could do a John Barrowman. Moat. See, moat. There you go. I hope that satisfies you, Peter, 342. Moat. I think it's a part that you are, it sounds like you're about to read Mallory's Moat, Dartha.

Yeah. Well, that's what I was aiming for. Moat. Instead of moat, you've gone moat. Oh. Satisfied. Moat. Maybe it is, that's what I was aiming for. Mort. Instead of moat, you've gone mort. Oh. Sally's pipe. Mort. Maybe it is, yeah. Mort. Peter342, let us know if that satisfies you. Into email corner, dear Frank, Emily and Cocky Olsen Jacks. Oh, now that. They love a variation of the Cocker. I like Cocky Olsen, Jack. Well, I'm glad you say that because I had to Google it and I thought it was absolutely disgusting.

What is it? Scallops and wine and mushroom and breadcrumbs and cheese. It's a lovely dish. All kinds of everything remind me. I was really fine with the cockerel, with Lecoq's portif, with some of the more blue versions of Alan Cochran I was fine with. I haven't reacted badly to any of them. But Cocky

Olsen Jacks turned my stomach. It really did. Pricey as well. Yeah, exactly. Pricey doesn't really work unless you turn out Price. I think we should stick with Cocky Olsen. It doesn't even work then. Oh, disgusting Cocky Olsen Jacks. Don't mess with the policy.

Please can you settle an argument for us? We always listen to your podcast when travelling in the car and like to sing along with the jingles. However, we always sing different lyrics. Please can you tell us who you agree with? My other half believes that the jingle, e.g. following Frank's delightful singing of Email Corner, goes absolute radio. You know what they're on about? They're on about... Dun-a-dun, dun-da-dun. Oh, is that what they're on about? Yeah. e.g. following Frank's delightful singing of Email Corner, goes Absolute Radio. You know what they're on about?

They're on about... Oh, is that what they're on about? I thought they meant at the end of Email Corner. Yeah, and then it goes... Oh, OK, right. It's the Absolute Jingle, isn't it? It's a standard jingle. Whereas I'm convinced it rather charmingly goes,

This is Frank Skinner. Does that goes, this is Frank Skinner. Does that work? This is Frank Skinner. What was their one? Absolute Radio. That's better. I've always thought Art of the Chocolatier, which is subliminal advertising for Thorntons,

and we're not getting paid for it. Is that fair? No. They could sponsor the show. Art of the Chocolate, yeah. We don't know which it is. Yours tunefully, Katie and Simon, prisoner numbers 975 and 848, respectively.

But, yeah, I'm happy to hear any suggestions as to what the lyrics could be to that. We should get lyrics, because the music man here who has to accept my musical choices, often grudgingly might I add. Worst job in London. Once said today, can you ask him to steer clear of instrumentals?

He didn't. He did? I wouldn't mind, I was working on Classic FM at the time. It's very, very tricky. Absolute, Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had some suggestions for that jingle, by the way. Oh, yeah.

You're not going to like this. Go on. This is from Tommy Shack. Emily, Dean and Friends. Oh, Emily, Dean and Friends. It's funny that that's on your computer. It's not on mine. It's really weird, that. It's funny that that's on your computer. It's not on mine. It's really weird, that.

There's another one. Mine, Dean. Jingle, of course, is... We've not had that in a long time. We'll have to do the Keora. Get me a Keora. There's also Emily, Frank and Al Alright

That's not bad You can call me Al Just don't call me Cocky Olsen Jack I think I sung that in a slightly rainbow way Which I like Isn't there a problem That the jingle runs throughout Absolute's work

Yeah So it couldn't be Emily, Frank and Al It would have to be a more generic absolute video. Unless they gave me a bit more work. Like they suggested. Could give me a few more shows wouldn't hurt. Couple of extra shifts. Yeah. I'm a bit busy at the moment. Yeah you are.

No one's talking about you. You're always busy aren't you? We've also had an email titled David Wilkie. Like Frank I'm about the same age as David Wilkie and was, I think you're a bit younger than him, actually. Yeah. And was once mistaken for him at my local petrol station back in the 70s.

A guy got out from the car behind me and said in a familiar way, hello, how are you? I replied, fine. He said he could see I didn't recognise him, so he proceeded to tell me that I was DW, David Wilkie, and that he spoke to me last night. I said he was mistaken, and then the woman who was filling my car with petrol,

who had done it many times before, said, I knew I had seen you, I then started to doubt my own identity. Wow. Yeah, that's quite... Does it end yours, David Wilkie? No, it's A. I realised that he just had a terrible episode when he forgot he was David Wilkie. I was once walking past a man in the Lake District

with my wife. You know, I love the beginning to this story. At the time, I had appeared on a few panel games and I occasionally troubled the late-night schedules of Dave. And this gentleman walked past... What, the home of witty banter? The home of witty banter. The home of Badil.

Hi. Sorry, that's my... Is that a? The home of witty banter. The home of Badil. Hi. Sorry, that's my... Is that a who alert? That's my car alert. Oh, who is it? Is it really? Now, I'm going to do a Chris Evans. You've got to tell us who it is now.

OK. That's the rule. Chris Evans. That's the rule. If the text goes off, you've got to say who it is. It says there's a children's party at two. Then we have to leave as soon as Boz wakes up. OK.

I could just meet them there or go home first. I like that song that you played with the female vocal. Oh, yeah. And that's from David Baddiel. It's from David Wilkins. John Barrowman. Sorry, I'm sorry about that. Sorry, everyone, it's very unprofessional.

I quite enjoyed it. I feel bad about it already. It's fine. It was funny. That's the rule. This chap stopped me and insisted that I had worked with him on some job that he'd done, like some forestation thing. And I was sort of, I couldn't say, no, no, no, I think it's that you've probably seen me on Dave late at night.

And he's going, no, no, no, we've worked together. And I was kind of like, no, we haven't. I couldn't bring myself to put him out of his misery. I always could just go with it. I just agree with anything. I do. You know when that bloke thought I was Colin Crompton recently, who died back in the 80s, and I just completely went with him.

I mean, you're only going to be with these people for a matter of minutes. Why not just let them believe? Oh, I didn't want to trust many questions about the campaign that we'd worked on together. If you build it, he will come. That's what I feel about the Colin Crompton hoax. What a great name for a band. You're listening to Frank Skinner's

podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. On Jingle Lyrics, we've had a text, read Jingle Lyrics, that's if the creaks don't rise, scans. That's if the creaks don't rise. See. That's if the creeks don't rise.

See, that works right across. That could work, wouldn't it? Yeah. That's very funny. Who's that from? Mark. Okay. With a C.

Good shout, Mark. Mark with a C. It's quite jovial for such a depressing theme. Oh, I'll tell you who I'd like to talk about, Frank. Because I like a man who gets involved. You know that. Oh, I'll tell you who I'd like to talk about, Frank. Because I like a man who gets involved. You know that. Oh, you certainly do. And this Bob Rennings character,

I don't know if you heard about him, he saved a driver from a burning car. He didn't call any emergency services. Like a hero, man. Yeah, superhero, real-life superhero. You did this a bit yourself when you were younger. You were a bit of a superhero, weren't you? Well, I used to dress as Batman with my

cousin, but we didn't drag anyone from a burning car. You never ripped open a locked car and bent the door. No, we kicked a den down off of the fields. That's bullying. That's not the same. It was mainly a milk crate. I think it was asbestos-sh. That's not the same. No, there would have been two or five and we just kicked it. It was mainly a milk crate.

Yeah. I think it was asbestos shooting. Those were the days. Yeah. You could enjoy asbestos in those days. But now, of course, it's all been oppressed. It's a lot of judgment. But yeah, we kicked it down.

Well, he pulled up on a freeway. Yes, I've gone American. What of it? Somewhere near Minnesota Minnesota I believe and saw this car he bent over, shattered the glass freed the passenger because it was on fire

how do you do that, how do you shatter the glass just pure superhuman strength brilliant, I mean I like this story but mainly because it's sort of a grass is green, I'm never going to be I like this story, but mainly because it's sort of a grass is green. I'm never going to be part of this story. I think, oh, I don't know, I can imagine myself in a burning car.

I could be in the burning car. I mean, if I was to do that, if I had that power, I think I would rip open the door and then just find somebody smoking on the back seat and then go, it's fine, we're just enjoying a new cigarette or something. That person who rescued you in that fashion is quite likely in a week's time to get an invoice from Autoglass. Yeah, can you pay the first 75 quid that isn't covered? I mean, I know you've saved my life, but, you know,

couldn't you just pull me out through the... No such thing as a free emergency service. Frank, similarly, I'm not being rude, but I can't imagine you doing it either. Oh. I think your intention would be there, but I think you might sublet it, is what I'm saying. Well, you know, I'd get a man in. Yeah, you would.

Probably call the fire brigade. I don't know. What I'd do is I'd get on the bonnet and shout some amusing anecdotes through the windscreen. So they went out happy. Well, just to calm them. Because it's panic that's the main thing. Well, that would be calming, wouldn't it? Having a bloke telling jokes through the windscreen

as the car's on fire. That would be really... It depends on the jokes. They always say it depends on the jokes. Calming jokes? Well, he could see hopelessly devoted to you. Oh, yeah. He could do that.

Yeah, but I wouldn't be able to do my muttering version because I'd have to be able to hear it through the windscreen. It would be some crackling, and I'd imagine to be able to hear it through the windscreen. There would be some crackling and I'd imagine the dripping of interior. Yeah. So yeah, I'd have to do some, mainly my visual stuff, I think.

And you know those bits when you're on a bonnet and it suddenly goes down a bit and it just jolts you like that. I'd be a bit worried about my back in that respect. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Before we return to the man bending the car door open, I just thought I would share a text that we've just received from Mash in London.

I used to live in the same village as Barrowman by Barry in South Wales. John Barrowman used to live in Barry. Bit of gossip. I didn't know he was a Barry man. Yeah, he is a Barry man. He did an American-style garage sale one day and my mate bought a pair of his jeans. I thought this was going to continue to be an eBay story, but no.

They were a size 38 waist. Yo, kidding. He wore them to the pub that night and no. They were a size 38 waist. Yo kidding me. What's that? Is that big or small? He wore them to the pub that night, and nobody believed they were Barrowmans. I don't believe Barrowman's ever been 38 waist. Well, maybe he's pulled the ripcord at that time. No, I think he lost weight, Barrowman.

Oh, really? I seem to remember when we had our TK Maxx, TK Maxx chat. He might have revealed that. Really? Had he gone paleo? Fair enough. Get might have revealed that. Really? Had he gone paleo? I don't know. Get rid of the carbs. Anyway, this Bob Renning...

Captain Jack Harp. Oh, yeah? What about that? What's that? That was his role in Torchwood. Oh, I can't be bothered talking about that. He's very fine. You've got to be careful about starting a rule like that.

I mean, that could ruin the whole show, couldn't it? You know what? When Frank's in it, I'll watch it. When Frank goes on about cricket, oh, I can't be bothered talking about that. Shut up. That's when my episode goes on. There we go.

I should have a special music for that. Let me get my diary. Let's play some music. October the 11th, eh? October the 11th. TX date. We need to think of a little strap line. We'll workshop a strap line while you're finding the music.

October 11th. October 11th. Skinner on Doctor Who. What do you think? It's a bit... October 11th. I'm thinking of October Revolution. I've got completely mixed up.

I quite like it. It's quite big. That reminds me when Tattoo had the flat upstairs. I will put that date in my diary, though. Do, put it in your diary. Let it settle there. So Bob Renning, the superhero that ripped the car door off, I just worry about the rest of his life.

Now that he's ripped a car door off, as soon as a pickle jar needs open and he can't do it, he's going to be like, oh, you know. Well, I remember that day. The rest of his family, do you remember you ripped that car door off, but now you can't get the pickle jar off? Do you know what, I had that experience.

No. I made a cheese sandwich, and I literally could not get the top off the pickle jar out. I had that experience. I made a cheese sandwich and I literally could not get the top off the pickle. And I ended up having to eat something else. Did you not try all the tricks? I tried. It's the most depressing. Focus through the tricks.

You pierce the jar lid. That works. You know what? I'll be honest. I didn't try the tricks. I wanted to do it. I wanted to prove that I could do it without any tricks because I'm a man. Elastic bands around the

lid, another way. I bought a lovely rubber gadget from the Innovations catalogue. Same trick. I've heard that. Later on, I had another go. I kept going intermittently through the day and eventually, about four hours later, I'd got it off.

And then I felt I could relax. I heard that. You could eat a pickle, really. My theory is... Not hungry anymore. This is... I was too sick to eat with effort. This is why pensioners get up five o'clock in the morning, so they can loosen the jars for later in the day.

Yeah. It was so depressing. That's when you really know that for later in the day. Yeah. It was so depressing. That's when you really know that you're near the end. I always got very hot water, so the metal expands slightly. I just went hot. Yeah, but on the plus side, you've got a penthouse. Yeah. Yeah, thank you for that.

I feel better already. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Talking about opening jars, says 285. Can Frank please do his world-class impression of Tupperware being opened? Chris. Oh. Yeah. Well, we are talking about opening jars. That is very fine, Frank.

And there was an extraordinary incident not seven minutes ago in the studio. I enjoyed it so much. Yeah, I love it. If I was Cathy, I'd just ask you to do that all night. How do you know she doesn't? I think as opposed to your mumbling songs dream, that should be a central part of your Edinburgh show,

your Tupperware opening impersonation. OK, I remember the last thing you said to me, oh, you should do that in your act, completely die. I realised it was... It was sabotage. It was a trap. Somewhat Machiavellian advice from the Cockerell. Telling people your tickets are overpriced.

I haven't said that! I think £27.50 is cheap for Frank. It's not £27.50 in Edinburgh. Plus £3.50 admin cheap for Frank. It's not £27.50 anymore. Plus £3.50 admin fee. No, that's not true. He doesn't know how much the tickets are because he doesn't bother himself with details like this at his level. I keep telling you, I go in

the back door. Anyway, we've just had a bit of an episode. An extraordinary incident. A jar opening episode. Yes, Kerry went next door, came back, can you believe it, with three jars of Marmite. Well, four technically. One was squeezy to prove that there is Marmite available, and three too tight screw top ones. The jars were offered to Frank Skinner, Alan Cochran and Robbie Tech.

And Robbie opened his within, I'd say, how long did it take you? The blink of an eye. Four seconds. Alan Cochran was next. But he's a technical man, so he probably has to do that kind of physical thing a lot. Yeah. Alan Cochran, about seven seconds. Yeah, been doing a little bit of grip training.

Thanks, Skinner. I've never seen such tension in my life. Yeah. It felt like it would never end. He milked it. Honestly. He really milked it, didn't he? If Julian Lloyd Webber had been here with his bow,

he could have played the tendons in my neck. Honestly, it was like a street performer that you know is going to do the unicycle ride, but is pretending that they can't for ages. Well, I was now pretending. I thought, I just thought, oh, dear, I'm going to make a fool of myself. It was Tom Cruise hanging off a cliff in Mission Impossible.

And he survived. Mission Impossible. That would have been a different film if it was just with Frank and a jar of Marmite. Anyway, can we establish that I did take the top off the Marmite? Yep. You did. I've heard some euphemisms in my time. And if there are any paramedics in the Soho area

that can treat shoulder injuries, that would be fantastic. It shows that all I need is an audience. Because then it just gives you that extra bit of adrenaline. Do you think that's what Bob Rennan did when he ran up to the car door? He thought, oh, this car's packed. Nobody knew that the bloke in the car would tell people. That's why he was desperate to save him. Imagine if he'd died and not gone on to tell the tale of Bob's heroism.

And I can exclusively reveal that Frank did do the now standard Stuart Pearce come on gesture. I did come on and then I sang the first bit of Nisendorma. You did sing Nisendorma. I did. And I don't normally like Japanese cars. Frank. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. OK, I did save, apparently, someone's life once. Did you? A friend of mine told me that he was... No. He was about to jump off a balcony at the flats in the West Midlands. We were probably up on the 10th, I would say.

And I restrained him and basically talked him out of it. I don't remember. I was very drunk. And I think the tip in it is if you want to be a hero in life, don't try it sober, for goodness sake. No. Get plastered. Yeah.

Yeah. That's the way forward. But, yeah, he tells me I saved in life. Don't try it sober, for goodness sake. No. Get plastered. Yeah. Yeah. That's the way forward. But yeah, he tells me I saved his life, so if you're listening, Azama. No, honestly, this mate of mine honestly claims that. Really? Yeah, it's a nice thing. If only I

could remember it, I'd feel quite proud of it. I'll tell you what, I'm always regarded as something of a superpower. What's that? I'm always the first in a group to feel rain oh always i'll say rain and they'll go and it's great when they're going no no i didn't know and then it's the best ever yeah i told you so superpower and go, oh, hold on a minute. It is raining. And I say, well, you know, you heard it here first. Wow. It's brilliant.

My superpower is, I think I know instinctively if people have been talking about me if I enter a room. That could be paranoia. No, I know. I can tell by their faces. And do you know how I deal with it? I say, this looks like a very cosy chat. Oh, that's good. Oh, yeah.

Take them on. Do they ever say, oh, here she comes? That's one of my things to look out for. Oh, it's a double bluff, do you do? Especially if it's me entering the room. But I'd have to be entering the room of 1960s homosexuals for them to say that. Oh, here she comes. But I don't do that very often nowadays

I think there is one by Ann Orris next to the 1970s shop You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps

and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I think my sense of smell is on the very edge of... I've eaten jam. You've eaten jam? But I doubt if a band called The Rifles will write a song about it. Sorry, Alan.

I think my sense of smell is on the very edge of human, and if it was just a little bit better, it would be superhuman. Really? Yeah. Are you my honesty attaché? I was on the top floor of my house the other day, and I could smell the lilies that were in the kitchen. It's a ground floor, three floors above.

Well, two floors if you count middle and top. Were they particularly pungent? Lilies are smelly, aren't they? So I suppose it's not that. But even so. Yeah. Is that a plus or a minus in life? Well, it's a plus if it's nice smells and it's a minus if it's...

A penalty you live with, really. Of course, it makes sense, really, doesn't it? You know, if someone's left the bathroom door open, it's not always great. But if it's... Well, unless they've been in there pulping lilies. B.A. Baracus looks like he might smell a bit. You think? B.A. Baracus.

Mr. T. I think we established this, didn't we? Because coffee gives you bad breath. Yeah. Sheriff Roy Coffee from Bonanza had lovely breath and Mr. T. has got breath like compost. We're talking about the look. Funny old world, let's face it.

Isn't it? And anyway, you were saying earlier that you've got a new show. I was worried when you say you were saying earlier. This is something I was saying off-air that I would never say on radio in a million years. I feel I should confess. Earlier on in the show, when I said that I hadn't had an official shower or bath from Monday morning to Thursday evening, it was because I've been away camping.

The Cockerels went on a camping holiday. Oh, well, i don't think you should i the last time i was in the tent for four days i went to uh cropperdy which is fairport conventions uh festival is it really and i didn't even take my uh pants or socks off i kept them on for the whole thing good for you you really mucked in I'm alright with it, it's like a school holiday The last time I was in a tent I was about ten years old, school trip I said, I never want to do that again, mummy She said, you never have to

And I haven't That sounds in a way like good parenting If it upsets you this much, darling I bet you've been in a few marquees Have you? Yeah, I might have It was great. I really enjoyed it

and I don't think I'm a natural camper. Do you own a tent or do you have to... We now own a trailer tent, boys and girls. Oh.

And as we were driving there, it's a trailer that opens up and becomes a tent. So it's very clever. So it's almost a caravan holiday. Very clever.

Oh, do you have an awning then in Extended Awning? Yeah, it's got an awning. It's got an awning. It was our first trip with it. I've seen those on the sitcoms with Richard Bryars. I like almost a caravan holiday. Very clever. Oh, do you have an awning then, an extended awning? Yeah, it's got awning. It's got awning. It was our first trip with it. I've seen those on the sitcoms with Richard Bryars. I didn't know people had them.

It was our first trip with it, and my wife, whilst driving it, said, honestly, towing this trailer I think might be the most mature thing I've ever done. Now, that is a woman who has been through childbirth and who I know for a fact has got a will. Now, that is ridiculous, isn't it? The most mature thing, just towing. We should save that for a text in next week. What's the most mature thing you've ever done?

I think, um, I think parenthood, isn't it? Surely. I know it's boring. I don't know. Towing a trailer. I was on the lawn the other day, flat on my belly, pretending to be a crocodile. I wouldn't have done that since I stopped drinking. Stopping drinking's probably it.

That was fairly... It's a big question, that. I had a bit of a moment as well. We'll come back to that if you want. I had a very mature moment whilst there. Did you? Yeah. Well, you always get a nice breakfast that's what they say so um this

my absolute god yeah i get a lot of texts to the show that begin like that this is frank skinner absolute radio Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. What do you think about Alan's luxury holiday he treated his family to? Well, it was luxury, yeah. We had a go in this trailer tent and I had a little bit of a... I had a Rime of the Ancient Mariner moment. You didn't kill an albatross. No, we stopped to ask directions.

You stopped with one of three. We asked this couple directions. They were a tanned couple. Did he say, on hand me grey beard loom? No. I so wish he had. She spotted the children in the back. She was probably, I would say, in her 50s or 60s, this woman.

And she spotted the children in the back and she was like, oh, six and three. And then she fixed me with a stare and she said you used to work with me she fixed me with a stare and said almost threateningly these are the best years of your life and i couldn't respond i i really wanted to say something like well now i've kicked the heroin i'm really enjoying my But I couldn't, because she'd gone for the full stare. And later that night, when I was killing a mosquito with a hammer, I thought, is this what she meant? Is this what she meant?

These are the best years, am I meant to be enjoying this? That's wrong. Well, it was just there, the hammer was there, and the mosquito was in the trailer. We get a lot of Buddhist monks listen to this. Why do you two always have a strange fallout at the end of every show? It was cricket last week and it's mosquitoes this week. It's my slaying.

Well, I'll tell you something now this week. There was a horrible bitey thing in my bedroom. Yeah. A fly thing. And I thought, oh, I don't really want to kill it. None of us made any comments about that. I thought, oh, I don't want to kill it. I'll leave it. And the next, I got about five really big bites,

one of which has gone a bit septic and horrible. So what's the moral of this story? Get the hammer out. Kill, kill, kill. Yeah. And I did the strangest bit of admin I've ever done in my life. There was no signal, because it was a North Wales bit. And we went down to the beach on the first day.

No, it was all hilly, you know what I'm saying. Camerasights, part of the thing is no signal. Went down to the beach, I went day. No, it was all hilly, you know what I'm saying. Camasites, part of the thing is no signal. Yeah. Went down to the beach, I went about, I don't know. I don't like the lone drive down to the beach. No, no, we all went, like, laying down into the sea. I walked out about 50 feet. Down into the sea?

Star was born. Become Spongebob Squarepants. I went about 50 feet out into the water and suddenly I had a signal. I got a volley of text. Wow. I clicked on the 3G and I got about 14 emails to which I replied with my feet in the sea. Oh. Beautiful. That's really

nice. It's a really nice feeling. If things came to it, you could always move to Atlantis. It's worth knowing. It made me think that businessmen should just do their work whilst they've got their feet in a foot spa. Where was he getting it? The Wi-Fi signal said Nautilus.

No, it was just 3G. There was no 3G in the tent, but there was 3G out in the sea. Yeah, yeah. It's amazing. We'll have to look into this. Robbie the tech will talk us through it later. Any 3G experts, text us, and then we'll talk about it next week.

Don't call me. That's what I've decided. That's fascinating. I'm honestly fine there. When you're on tour, you realise that 3G is rare. 4G more or less doesn't exist outside of London. People will look back on that and say, can you believe that was the case?

Oh, I don't know. Anyway, coming up next is Leona Graham, and if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

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