The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Hair Strikes back

Episode Date: July 9, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun all had tales of unwanted grooming advice, and Frank has some cab driver stories that all happend to him this week.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank. Frank Skinner. Radio. Oh, absolutely marvellous.

That was Devo with Whippet. Oh. Hey, just playing that just for you there, Alan. You being a Whippet owner, I thought we'd go for that. And me being a Devo. Yeah. Perfect, Frank. Well, yeah, it's not quite Devo. It's Devo. You being a whippy owner, I thought we'd go for that. And me being a diva. Yeah. Perfect, Frank.

Well, yeah, it's not quite diva, it's divo. Oh, sorry. But it's all right. It'll be all right, that. We'll settle for that. All the bases were nearly covered, weren't they? We should explain that I am Alan Cochran, not... People might not know that the cockerel sound effect is related to me. I'm trying to face out the real name altogether.

I'm going to start pressuring you to change your name to The Cockerel by Deedpole. Would they accept that? Yeah. I believe they would, yeah. So The would be your Christian name? Yeah. Can you still say Christian? Oh, then let me check out the Absolute Radio.

Hold on. That would be your first name. Change that in the edit. I always like the use of Deedpole, Frank. You don't hear that phrase that often, except in the context of changing your name. People do. I remember a bloke on Beacon Radio,

if I can mention that, in Wolverhampton. They did a thing to promote a Star Wars movie. They got someone to change his name by deed poll to Darth Vader. Local bloke, which he did in order to get... I think he got four tickets to see to the Wolverhampton Odeon. That was the prize for that. They paid for his deed poll thing. I love the fact you said local man there.

Local bloke. He wasn't an interloper. He arrived from far afield. He was a local man. Just because he's called Darth Vader. Don't think that he's travelling incognito. So anyway, they phoned him up

to change it, you know, change it back. And he says, well, I'll keep it, I think. I'm alright with it. Good on him. Alright. And a mate of mine worked with him and he said, he said, Darth Vader, you're a big Star Wars fan. He says, no, not really. Kids like it.

I love it. I love it. Maybe we do stuff like that. Let's change a reader's name to Reader's Name now, is it? Oh. Sorry, I've read so much about readers this week. Yeah, and wrongdoers. Yeah, exactly.

Wrongdoers and all that. By the way, you know the thing I was on about last week, about I sing my way through life every time I take money out the cash pine. Yes, you sing Got Brass in Pocket. Brass in Pocket and all that. If they're going to replace the news of the world with theass and Pocket and all that. If they're going to replace the news of the world with the Sunday Son,

right, which is what they're going to do, you know this, the Son's going to be a Sunday thing. Yes. I don't think I'll be able to say, when they say,

what newspaper would you like? And I say, the Sunday Son. I don't think I'll be able to do that without going into the Pink Panther theme. I'll have,

I'll have the Son, D-Son, D-Son, D-Son, D-Son, D-Son, D-Son. I mean, the son, disson, disson, disson, disson, disson, disson. I mean, I won't be able to not do that. That's great. Can we opt out now? Is it too late to change? I like it, because you've brought a nice humorous element. Well, yeah, exactly.

It's important, that, I think. Oh, God, yes. Did you see Nicola Roberts last night on... That was Rebecca Brooks, wasn't it? On Paul O'Grady. No, no, she doesn't... Rebecca Brooks with serum. She's had a fabulous... She looks completely different.

Who is she? Big makeover. Oh, well, the cockerel! The cockerel! You're supposed to be our herald in the morning. Lead us into a bright new world. One of the hard things about this show is I have so many gaps in my knowledge. Don't worry, we'll see Phil Lemop.

Yeah, yeah. Nicola Roberts is what used to be known as the ginger-haired one in Girls Aloud. Oh. You know who that is, surely, Cockrell? Not particularly. No, you've heard of Girls Aloud? I've heard of Girls Aloud, yes. Well, we're getting somewhere.

It's that California, man. Yeah, I believe the longest journey starts with a single step. So let's start the Girls Aloud journey with Nicola Roberts. OK. She's single, isn't she? I believe so. And I think she lived on the steps as a child, an East European upbringing.

Is that right? No. Oh, OK. I think I saw a picture of her European upbringing, is that right? No. Oh, okay. I think I saw a picture of her in elk skin boots as a young child. I might have made that up. What else are we going to talk about today? Oh, I'll tell you what I watched

last night. I'm just going, at the moment, I just, you know, let's not get into anything big, let's just chit chat. It feels like a column, last night's TV. Yeah. What I've started doing is watching not last night's tv i've started watching other nights tv on things like itv2 so i say to people did you see pen and teller last night and they say no i saw it on saturday you just feel like you're a day out of whack i kind of like it it's like i've shuffled

i've shuffled my TV cards. Yeah. I watch a programme when I feel like it. Absolutely. Like a child wearing Days of the Week pants, but out of sync. Yeah. Or those bibs.

You know what? I have to say I don't like that. That I don't like. If I see a baby with a day bib, I think if it's not the right day... It's the wrong day. You call social services. I'd rather...

Don't you? I'd rather a Don't you? I'd rather Silas Moore sweatshirt than cover it with a bib that's got the wrong day on it. I don't know about you. So go on, Frank, what were you watching? I watched Jonathan Ross and Penn and Teller on ITV2 last night. It's very... I loved it. It's good, isn't it?

It struck me that whenever I look at Penn and Teller, I always think, where are the two Russian dolls in between? This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ooh, guitar. Stereophonics, The Bartender and the Thief, which I think was the episode title for the Jeremy Kyle show. LAUGHTER If not, definitely both in my back catalogue somewhere. Oh, certainly. Not at the moment, I hope.

Let's not discuss my back catalogue at the moment. Frank? Frank? Yes, oh, sorry, I was... Drifted off there. Yeah. Just looking at the cover of the Daily Star. It's a bit rude, isn't it? Remember, they're all family.

I haven't seen it. No, but that's put £300,000 on the sales this week. Go on, carry on. We've had a text in from Dean in Birmingham. Was it on 8-12-15? It was. Well, if anyone else wants to text us about any subject, they can do it on 8-12-15. It was. Well, if anyone else wants to text us about any subject, they can do it on 8-12-15. What about that?

Dean says, Hi, folks. After listening to the midweek podcast, can Frank please start our Saturday with another rendition of the steel drums? Quality. The steel drums? What, as in...

30 kids now running for ice cream out into an empty street. A little bit sad, but there you go, yeah. You know, as I started off, I couldn't remember how to do it, and then towards the end it got better. I would have done it for a minute and a half if I'd had to, until I got to that stage. Who's to say at five to ten we might have the fallback plan a bit later? Oh, by five to ten I'll have a whole orchestra assembled.

We'll be doing Underneath the Mango Tree. One of my favourites. Me, honey, and me. I don't think you can... No. Apparently not. Oh, I had... I've had a...

a very cab-based week this week. Oh, congratulations. Yeah, I've got quite a lot of taxis. And one I didn't get into because I didn't want a cab, but one stopped for me. Now, this is a peculiar situation. How many times have you stood in the rain waving your hands about and no cabs have stopped?

Yeah. But I was walking along the street and a cab pulled up at the side of me and the cab driver said do you want a lift i thought no you've got it completely you're a new boy you've got it completely the wrong way around it i mean then i realized i was wearing a small beanie hat with an orange light on top no i wasn't wasn't. I made that bit up. He said, now this is so sweet. He said, I'm a big fan of yours. I just wondered if you won a lift anyway. That's lovely. Yeah, I was moved.

And he also said to me, I play Three Lions. It's a football song I did in 1996. Look it up. And he said, I play that every morning just to get me awake and ready. That's his version of the

Rocky music. That's his version of the cockerel. That's his cockerel. Yeah, it was smashing though. I like a bit of positive feedback. Me and Emily went to a thing at the Royal Festival Hall on the south bank of the Thames. And a bloke said,

oh, I love your podcast. He said, I always listen to the one of the Saturday show and my wife always listens to the Not The Weekend podcast that comes out on a Wednesday. We never found out how they've become his and hers.

Obviously, we did that big crochet item on the Not The Midweek podcast and a lot of stuff about child-rearing, which means bringing them up. That's the sort of this morning version of our show, really. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly, with me and you as a sort of... Yeah. And, um...

The cock rules Phil Vickery. Well, I see him as Dr Hillary. Who you may remember was the doctor who went with Sherpa Tenzin to the top of Everest. I do. Why would it be? Do they sit, do you think, then, and tell each other about the respective podcast that they've listened to? Or are they just trying to save time? I don't like the idea of that.

I mean, the podcast being retold, it just sounds a bit diluted. I don't know. I like the fact that we've lapsed into an oral tradition. It's like being Homer and the Odyssey. Part of a folk tradition. I like the feeling that the whole family gather around cross-legged. Like, you know at school when Miss does Stig of the Dump? Yes.

And you all sit around, you know, absolutely hanging on every word. I'm liking to think that they sit down and they tell the tale, the tale of the podcast. And then a new man joined, the cockerel. Yeah, that's exactly what... Would there be a thing that you pressed? I imagine there'd be a thing that you pressed. A felt book. That's how I'd say it would go. I'm loving that we've... Were they an estranged couple?

Were they separately listening to the beach? No, I don't think they were estranged. He was there on his own. We didn't know much about their relationship in fairness. There was no... Let's face it, there was no wife. What do you think? Oh, fang. Now you've mentioned that, it's all sort of... He did mention something about her being inflatable.

Oh, I'm just going to stop speaking to people altogether. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Guitar. That was... Thanks for pointing out the instruments. Radio Guitar That was Thanks for pointing out the instruments Is that how we're going to end all songs this week? Well some of them for some reason

I thought well let's just do a little bit of guitar on its own at the end That was Kasabian Fire Frank Hold on three people just ran out the building I tried to do it in a hang dog like that way. Well, they do do that a lot at Absolute anyway. Frank.

Do-do-do that. Go on. You were talking earlier about a Birmingham who had changed his name by detail. Hold on. That is not a noun, a Birmingham. Okay, sorry. You know I use it, isn't it? And he's from Wolverhampton.

People from Wolverhampton don't like being associated with Birmingham. They think it's the big, sophisticated, bright lights. They do. Do you really call it a Birmingham? That's great. I like that. It's an affectionate thing. I love Birmingham.

Anyway, he changed his name by deed poll to Darth Vader, Frank. I need hardly remind you of that. Matt, in somewhere called Nod's Own Country, says he's just Googled him, and apparently this Darth Vader character is now a bouncer at the Pink Flamingo bar in Wolverhampton. Is he? And I presume he's still called Darth Vader.

I presume so, yeah. I mean, that would be quite handy at work, wouldn't it? If you're a bouncer, you're going to have authority if Darth Vader says we've got to leave. Wouldn't health and safety be bringing you an aspirin hailer every 20 minutes? You can't come in wearing trainers. Did you say he's from Nod's own country? He called it Nod's own country.

I think it's a misprint. It could be Noddy Holder. Oh, Frank gets noddy holder. I think the Darth Vader impression was tiptoeing towards being the Elephant Man, actually. Well, I find it's a

very fine line. Anything under a hood. Yes, I can do both, if required. I don't know why they couldn't have found a part for the Elephant Man in Star Wars.

I'll never know. True, true. He could have been in that bar, couldn't have found a part for the Elephant Man in Star Wars, I'll never know. True, he could have been in that bar, couldn't he? Oh, he did. He didn't have to treat in that bar. He could have been in that bar. That bar, everyone knows about that bar, don't they? Oh, yes. The Star Bar, I think you'll find.

There'll be listeners texting in the exact name of the bar soon. He could have been selling bonds in there. Because they like a bond, elephants. Oh, God, yeah, they love a bond. They don't like a mouse Because they like a bond, elephants. Oh, God, yeah, they love a bond. They don't like a mouse, they like a bond. That's the things to remember about elephants. Frank, we've had a text in... And, of course, if he was white entirely, he wouldn't need a notebook.

No, that's true. Oh, the memories on them. Look at the memories on that elephant. Have you ever heard that said? Go on, carry on. Mike has texted in... Mike? Yes, I believe he's a webcam fan i know this because he said frank is that shaken stevens old jacket you've got on that's a bit i am wearing accurate that's a bit accurate it is

it is shaking i took it from the the wardrobe um with the green door it was now it is i'm wearing a denim jacket today and i must admit, this denim jacket Has put me into that place of Am I too old for a denim jacket I like it on you It's got a quadrophenia button detail It has got that, yeah Somebody's texted in

Or emailed in, I can't tell which As long as there's communication I'd settle for a smoke signal this morning Pigeon has just arrived With the following message There's been some communication. I'd settle for a smoke signal this morning. A pigeon has just arrived with the following message. Oh, OK. I heard the dark heard a band. The following message. It's all the voices today.

I'd written I could combine the three. I'm not a pigeon. I'm a human being. There you go. Derek, Jacoby's wandered in now. Was it too camp? Is that what you're saying? Now, go on. What did the pigeon say? I'm not sure this missive is going to follow this.

I heard the Darth Vader bouncer was fired for excessive use of the force. See what he's done. See what he's done. Keep them coming, people. Now, Frank, I'd like to talk to you briefly about something. Oh, dear. Now, Frank, I'd like to talk to you briefly about something. Oh, dear.

Well, no, it's to do with a story. Did you guys see that tennis story this week? I'll recap very briefly. Surely the tennis stories are over for another year, aren't they? You would think that so. I thought we could relax on the tennis stories. You would think so, but the Swedish Open is going on. I know it's not a glamour fixture, but, you know, hear me out on this,

because something interesting happened it was the world number one who i believe is called caroline wasniacki and she was playing there was a french player called alice corneille i'm loving it match point match point all the pronunciations are coming out i'm always good for the pronunciations match point okay i'm on the edge of my seat. Match point. Elise Corneille, her mobile goes off. There's a ringing around the court. Caroline Wozniacki, oh, doing that thing people do when a mobile goes off. Then she realises it's her opponent's mobile.

Oh, goodness. So where was the mobile then? In her bags. You know, they have that little area. Oh, they have the bag with their Robinson's Barley Water and two bananas. Exactly. It was in the little area. You see, again, you know, I've said many times on this show,

if I'd been a professional tennis player, I would have taken advantage of these things. I would come on, I'd have the bag, I'd have the Robinson's barley water, I'd have a mobile log fire, a small rug and two red setters. I would make a little home of that area around my seat where I could really relax. Can you get rid of this canvas thing and get me a nice leather Chesterfield?

And I'd really settle in between I'd read a book in between a nice old leather bound you know, something maybe collected spectator Joseph Addison sitting there with a bit of 18th century moralising going on. Anyway, when I got up to play the next thing, I'd go...

I'd do that when I got out. That they do not do, do they? I'd pat the dogs, give the fighter a bit of a poke, and I'd be back out there. They don't. If they give you an area, make the best of it. That's what I say. We'll come back to that

lady. I'm going to, this is one of my choices. I think this is just all summery and lovely and it makes me feel like I'm slightly in liquid form. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Sally started it, all Marthas and Arthas. That's all you need to know. Scribble that down. Nice. I should do that thing they used to do on Blue Peter when they said, get a pencil and paper ready, we'll be giving out the details. Yeah. After we've just took the dog for a walk or whatever they did.

I was never able to do that. My parents were all sleeping off hangovers, never had a pet on the table. Oh, don't, don't. Frank, we've had a text in 131. Was the tennis player penalised for making a racket? Oh! Just in case you've just tuned in this second,

Emily was just telling us about a tennis player who... Caroline Wozniacki and Elise Cornet. Yes. And they're... Yeah, well, don't put Elise in the Cornet. I wouldn't. No, I wouldn't. The phone went off at a crucial moment in the...

Match point, I think you'll find. Oh, God. Well, Caroline... And, of course, the whole game stopped because when she looked at the phone, it said, No service. Oh! Very good, Frank.

Thank you very much. But apparently... And relax. It was okay because Caroline ended up winning the game. So it was fine. She wasn't too cross with the Leafs. Those of you tuning in for the Frank Skinner show, we're going to stay with the tennis. Okay. I feel like Georgie Thompson. I quite like it talking about this i feel like georgie

thompson but um it's far more to get a cab this time than we'll never get over it but i i felt i experienced a rare emotion frank empathy when i heard that story because that's happened to me before it happened to me can i stop you there do you know that when, who was the woman who was married to John Thor? Sheila Hancock. Yeah, Sheila Hancock. When Sheila Hancock did Room 101, one of the things she tried to put into Room 101 was lack of empathy.

Isn't that brilliant? I love the idea of very abstract concepts in Room. I'd like to put in on ease into room 101 please oh and dosk I'd like to put in

it's not a productive time of day it's neither one thing nor the other anyway sorry carry on same thing happened to me once, I'm sure it's happened to you guys on match point? no not on match point, I'd given the tennis by then okay um i was at uh phil jupiter's live recording of one of his gigs yeah it was for his dvd i think and i had quite good seats i was quite near the front row i can't

remember i'm not impressed yet but keep talking oh thank it's not bad come on it could have been worse um i love phil jupiter and then yeah so my phone starts going well you know what my phone sounds like i have frank calls it frank always says is that cliff richards um car alarm because it's it's sort of church bells um and i knew it was mine it was it was unrecognizably mine so um it just carried on for some time and you know i? I kicked it under my seat. I didn't fess up. I kicked my bag away.

Oh, no, you're not one of those. Yeah. Somebody was telling me that they were at an opera in New York and a woman's phone, not only did a woman's phone go, and she said, I can't, the other voice said, I can't talk now. I'm watching Simon Bacanegro. And then there was a pause and she went, mmm, so-so.

It's an impatternment for the people that they heard a terrible review halfway through the show. It's a nightmare. Well, I was at the British Museum last night, watching at a talk by Karen Armstrong. Do you know her? Ex-non and bit of an expert

on all things religious. I'm not impressed yet to quote you. Yeah, exactly. I haven't stopped dancing yet. Everybody. And she started talking about the meaning of the word belief and how it's changed. And she said, you know, now it just means like to think

that something's true. It used to mean like commitment absolute commitment and just as she said absolute commitment how can i put this um someone broke win with with tremendous volume it wasn't a it didn't it wasn't a lingerie it was a staccato rap of a of a mean, it might, I suppose it could have been a very misjudged phone ringtone. Somebody at the back going, oh, sorry, a text has come in. Exactly. But it was, I mean, there was a lot of old people there,

and I think, you know, with old people, often they're as surprised as we are. It's like dogs yeah but um no one laughed that was what was brilliant because it was a british museum i think where people are there to study mankind they just accepted that as part of the whole package and nobody nobody laughed you know if that had happened in the school assembly they'd have had to take us out on stretches we would have laughed. And it was... I wasn't happy with it.

But, you know, the woman might have been deaf. She might not have even known it occurred at all. But it set me on edge. I'll be honest with you. I thought there was going to be more. Well, I just thought, oh, that to me has impaired... You know, when i look back on this evening i feel that's what i'm going to remember not the wisdom that's coming from the stage yeah

if only that woman could develop a wind breakage that went then you know people think oh silly old fool the phone's gone off and it wouldn't be quite so embarrassing if if wind behaved like bird song. If wind behaved like bird song is actually the title of my new drama on Absolute Theatre. I don't know if you know that they're bringing out Absolute Theatre as the new Absolute Station. There's no money in commercial radio,

but there's a lot in commercial radio theatre. There's a lot. Me and Christian O'Connell as two gentlemen of Verona. It kicks the whole thing off. I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait. Yeah.

Frank, 131 is an excellent someone who's kicked the habit. Thank you, 131. 131's one of our regular. He's on fire. In fact, I met a bloke the other week. I was at, I can't remember where I was at now. I was at some sort of West End opening, probably. Rob Ryden, you did that. And a bloke said to me, oh, I'm a regular texter

to your show. I said, you're not 131, are you? He said, no, I'm Craig. He said, I don't text so much now because one week I texted about calling out your name in the bedroom and you reprimanded me for being ribald and I've been insecure since then.

You've got to be careful. You've got to be sensitive with them. What, in the bedroom? See, now you've done it. People's feelings. They're like peaches, these listeners. They've got to be handled delicately. I'm trying to do a clean show here.

I mean, you know, there was a time, five years ago, if I was doing the stuff about phones going off and people breaking wind, I would have definitely done a ringtone joke. Not anymore. We only have this excess. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Mystify in excess.

We're now doing a big reality show. Are they? Yeah, it's called The Only Way in Excess. I couldn't decide whether to do that or whether I was saying that I've always been at real trouble, lingering trouble about the whole sense of in excess. I've got sort of in excess baggage. Maybe I should have gone for that.

When we do the actual record... You've covered all the bases now, which is good. Oh, I've covered all the bases. Frank, texting on 546... from 546. Don't change the text number at this stage. Text from...

I don't want to get Christian O'Connell out of bed because a load of them's gone to his personal text thing he's actually white he wears a kind of a text receiver harness so even when he's not on air he doesn't miss any good stuff he's a pro I've not met him

we miss quite a lot of stuff that comes just while we're on air anyway text from 546 hi team Frank looked at webcast webcam that might mean they don't know i haven't learned your name yet alan team frank they're covering again they're just being cool okay hi team frank looked at webcam for the first time and thought you had a posh digital clock on the wall displaying 12 minutes and 15 seconds past eight it's the text number yes yes we write the the text number on a whiteboard

in enormous letters because although we've been doing this show for what two years yeah we still need quite a large aide de memoir for uh for the text number it's pathetic i know it is 8 12 15 anyway if you're interested i've only been doing the show what about a month and now i've realized there's a webcam i'm gonna have to start to dress nicer on Saturday mornings. I thought you were just deliberately flying in the face of popular opinion by dressing like that. It's okay.

It's fine. I don't want any silences. One of you are going to have to speak, or I'll speak. And if I speak, it's going to go on for ten minutes. It's up to you. It's your choice. I'll tell you another cab story, if you like. No, we've had an email I'd like to read out.

We've had so many cab things this week. What is it with me? Frank, we've had a German email. A German email? Yes. Does it begin Guten Morgen? No. It begins Dear All.

Dear All. Yeah. It's from Hoffman. Mark Hoffman. That should be a tale and a half. Carry on. Dear All. Yeah, it's from Hoffman, Mark Hoffman. That should be a tale and a half. Carry on. Dear All. I nearly did an accent, but I stopped myself. Don't do the accent, no.

I won't. Das ist verboten. You can do German, actually, because I think they're in a powerful... You can say Das ist verboten. Yeah, they're in a powerful position. It's not... It's OK. Can I do that?

Dear All. My wife... No, no, I'm bored. I'm bored. Already bored with the German accents. My wife and I enjoy listening to the Frank Skinner show every Saturday. It has become some sort of ritual for us. Oh, they love a ritual.

Carry on. As we both enjoy the English humour very much. Oh, thank you. I would like to ask you the following. I'm a bit worried that I'm its sole representative. OK. Am I in Scottish humour? He says he would like to ask you the following. My wife and I have our wedding anniversary today

and I was wondering if you could have Frank send out some greeting to my wife, Katerina, from Munich. I know this is not a regular I am greeting all my friends type of radio show, but I thought I'd give it a try since we are such huge fans. Thank you very much and keep up the great work, Mark. Well, I'm afraid the answer is nine. Yes, if that was how many people are in the tapas bar question,

the answer is nine. OK. This Scottish thing that you do, Alan, I just can't buy it. If you're going to be Scottish, sound Scottish. Don you do, Alan, I just can't buy it. You just don't sound... If you're going to be Scottish, sound Scottish. Don't do a Rod Stewart on me. I think I was trying to take it as a way of you saying that you were the sole representative of English humour

and I didn't know if you meant that you were the one that was being funny. I was just thinking, oh, God. Of course I didn't mean that, for goodness sake. I've overreacted, Frank. I've overreacted. You have. Anyway, we should point out that the cockerel is Scottish by birth. The cockerel? Sorry, the Alan. Alan Cochrane is Scottish by birth,

even though he sounds as Yorkshire as it gets to me. Someone has texted in with, I was going to change my partner's name by Deedpole, because we were talking about Deedpole. I don't think you can do other people. you can't do a deep palm as a prank well he suggested he was going to do it for her birthday present to the registration number of her car it's cheaper than a personalized number plate like it clever i always got one eye on the housekeeping money that gentleman there does that mean if i wrote a song um with that was song that had words and it went,

in the morning I get up and then I go to work, that the people who did that ringtone would have to pay me royalties? Possibly, yeah. OK, we can do these things in reverse, you see. We were talking about when phones go off in an awkward situation. Oh, yeah. So have you had any fangs? Well, I must admit I'm a very big checker of phones. You're a chubby. I am. I get very... You're a chubby.

I am. I get very edgy about it. And my text message is like a horn. It sort of goes... Like that. So if it does go off, I always say, oh, that's my car. And people are okay if you make a kind of a gag of it like that. My ringtone is more like a sort of a space age um type of sound and so i

just i just look nervously at the skies if that goes off but i i very very rarely happens to me i had a mate who occasionally and i loved this he would occasionally take out his handkerchief go to blow his nose but instead of blowing his nose, he'd just say, POP! And then put it back in his... A fabulous sort of Beano sound effect. And that, oh man, that made me so happy. Your phone did ring once when we were on air, and it was your manager in the middle of the show.

I think he was ringing to say 2012 unit sold. Yeah, exactly. Obviously, if it's business, that's different. Anyway, we must go to the news because Sandy Waters stands around drumming her fingers in a threatening manner. But if you've ever been in a situation where your phone's gone off in an embarrassing...

I don't want to say situation again. Moment? Moment? Yeah. You know what I mean. I think that is, I'm calling that the phoning. So, yeah, if your phone's ever gone off in an embarrassing situation, let us know on 8, 12, 15.

Oh, God. I feel we've ended the first half on a bit of a downer. Welcome to France. This to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Welcome to Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Garbage.

Stupid girl. That's enough about my reviews. People think they've come in on an argument. Garbage. Stupid girl. That's enough about my reviews. Yeah. People think they've come in on an argument. Oh, I just saw that Rebecca Brooks on the news. You know, the woman from the news, the red-headed news international person. What do you make of that hair? Well, what do you think I make of it?

I mean, all I would say is, if you've got a press conference coming up, a little bit of serum, put it on the ends. Always nice. Just respect. Do you think she dyes it? Because it looks, I tell you what it is, she's got that problem. Do you remember that fame academy? Was he called Brian Park? Is that what he was called?

And his hair was too young for his face. You know, you get that fame academy? Was he called Brian Park? Is that what he was called? Is that what he was called? And his hair was too young for his face. You know, you get that with people. Oh, yes. And I think maybe it's because she's had a difficult week and is very haggard, but her hair is too young for her face. Or maybe it's calmer face. Well, it looks like, if you can imagine, if you haven't seen her, if you can imagine John Sargent peering out from under an elaborate hanging basket,

it looks like that. John Sargent peering out from under an elaborate hanging basket. It looks like that. And I think you've got to try and theme the two together in some way. That's why I've let my hair go grey. My face has gone grey. They've gone grey. I've had my face highlighted to look more grey. Well, I've noticed she's gone for no-makeup look as well look as well yeah well she doesn't want to look too haughty well i was gonna say that might be a sort of

respect thing it's a strategy isn't it it's a strategy andy colson should have gone the other way and come out looking like lily savage morning yeah i wear the makeup in this so that would suggest that she wears the trousers thus thus laying the responsibility. See, it could have all been, they don't think it through, these people. No, they really don't.

Frank, we've had a couple of texts in. Oh, thank goodness for that. We, mobile phones going on. No, I like we.

We've had one in. I'll tell you what, I'm a big fan of knee, as well. You know knee, in a maiden name? Oh, yeah,

yeah. Yes. I like that. I thought that was knee, have I got that wrong? Is it nay? Is it nay? It is in maiden name. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes. I like that. I thought that was knee. Have I got that wrong? Is it knee? Is it knee? It is in Yorkshire.

Oh, right. Oh, this is Rebecca Wade. Knee. Brooks. It's like that, isn't it? She was Kemp. She was Kemp briefly. She was never Kemp.

They never married. Was she not? She didn't take his name. Oh, I love that you know the showbiz gossip. She didn't take his name, I don't think. Don't think so. No. Because I think he, yeah, anyway.

Anyway. He could wear the wig. He'd look like a... Yeah. Maybe she doesn't exist. Maybe it's him. His alter ego. He's standing under a hanging basket somewhere.

Exactly. I can believe that. Cheap skirt suits. Anyway, 984 has texted in. Oh, OK. I saw the best man at a wedding turn a strange facial colour when his mobile rang to the theme tune from Terry and June. That's not good.

We've also had... I can't remember what that is. That's annoying. Was it... No, that's the man about the house. That's why I know that. Carry on. Someone will text in the theme tune from Gary and Jude.

How will they do that? All in musical notation. Is there another text? Maybe. Yeah, I think there is. Frank, 069, my phone once went off whilst I was in Basildon Crown Court, about to be sentenced.

Oh, dear. What? About ten years ago. Oh, no. He said it was when he used to get into trouble. The judge looked straight at me and said, looked straight at me and said, looked straight at me and said, put that away, young man.

Yes. And Liam Brentwood says, I could have died, lol. And to be fair, I think that's an accurate use of that. Yeah. It sounds like he's come good, doesn't it? When he used to get into trouble, it sounds like he's learned the error of his words.

I don't just mean on mobile phone etiquette. No, I like... Yeah, I always like a reformation. Yeah, fabulous. I'm amazed that we're getting so many of these. It should have said roll at the end, ring out loud. He missed an opportunity, but, you know, he's had to turn down a lot of opportunities in recent years,

I imagine. Things left on the back seats of cars doors left to john he's just walked past and god bless him for that yeah i'm amazed that anybody has these stories i thought everybody well i my phone is nearly always on vibrate or silent or yeah but so are you alan yes i know yeah i'm very vibrating yes you're right It's a trembling thing. Now we've got the whippet. You know what I mean? You're a man who I feel chooses your words carefully. You've got that northern thing. Yeah, I don't really feel a need. I'd prefer a missed call to an embarrassing ring. I don't like the din. It's the din of life that exasperates me. And when I used to have a Nokia, I quite liked putting it on meeting because I am not a man

whose life is awash with meetings and I always thought it was an aspirational lifestyle decision. I'm not even aware of them. I'm not aware of the meeting setting. Meeting was a setting on the Nokia and you could put it on there. And this woman that was at the tennis match, she must have had hers on outdoor, because to be able to hear it from a bag at the other side of a tennis court, that must be a loud phone.

It's good that we've had two stories about phones going off in the court. Oh, yes. Yeah. Tennis courts and the court. How remarkable. I'm now going to do the most fabulous segue I've done in my whole history

as a radio presenter this is The Four with Telephone Thing I don't think you could play a more apt song this week. And that was Telephone Thing by The Four. How wonderful. Now, Frank, we've been talking a lot about Rebecca Brooks.

And obviously that was the big news story, I think we can say, this week. But there was another story, which was the Harry Potter premiere. I got a bit sorry for them. Got a bit taken over, didn't I? Slightly bad timing in the end, wasn't it? A little bit ruined for them. Got a bit taken over, didn't I? Slightly bad timing in the end, wasn't it? A little bit ruined for them. Oh, what a shame. Well, no, I wasn't upset, because I loathe Harry Potter.

I actually loathe it. Quite strong? It is quite strong. A lot of fans say you love Harry Potter as if it's the individual. No, I don't loathe Daniel Radcliffe. I love him. I just don't like the whole franchise. I get very uneasy whenever Daniel Radcliffe is on screen as Daniel Radcliffe.

He seems a man who's... I mean, he's a young man. You know, one can be gauche at that age. And he seems very... He seems a bit like Ed Miliband in that he seems to be trapped behind a face that he doesn't much care for. Do you know what I mean? No. He's not happy.

You know, people... He's not happy with his own face. I sense that. Oh. Yeah. No, I don't know. I'm afraid I'm going to have to disagree. And it's not just because I went back and I've met him. He is actually an extremely confident, personable young man.

Oh, okay. Well, maybe I've missed you. I've never met any of the... Oh, I've met Grinto. Grinto? I think Grinto's turned out to be the best looking of the three, I'll be honest with you. Who'd have thought that? Oh, no, Daniel's the best.

Who's that? His name, Rupert Grint. Rupert Grint, yeah. Grinto, just in case anyone thinks it's a character from Harry Potter. It's a soft drink from Harry Potter. One of those bottler Grinto. Ginger beer. But what I found extraordinary was that people were queuing for five days

to see the Harry Potter cast in Trafalgar Square. They were camping out, Frank. That is brilliant. It's not brilliant. No, I love that. Five days. What, to go and see Grinto walk up some stairs

and walk back down again? Yeah, but you've got to remember, these people, they're commemorating the death of their childhood. You know what I mean? They've grown up with the Potters. And suddenly, didn't Johnny Vegas, didn't he grow up with the Potters? Johnny Vegas. No, so although I've never read the books because they're for children. You've never read the books yet because you're a property-owning adult

with a driving licence and a credit card. But I have seen a few of the films and I think they're rather fine. What about that? And I love the idea of people that go into the trouble of queuing. I mean, let's face it, what are the Peace Camp doing? They're queuing for peace. That's all they're doing, isn't it? They're sitting there in tents all day and just... When I say in tents, I don't mean that they're anxious. I mean, they're inuing for peace that's all they're doing isn't it they're sitting there in tents all day and just when i say intense i don't mean that they're anxious i mean they're in they're in

bivouac i think people under the age of sort of 18 i would allow but i think adults doing that it's like queuing what are you queuing for or camping out oh spongebob squarepants is in town would you do that it's embarrassing well i queued 90 minutes for an elmer fodd hat once did you yeah it was very very cold i was in boston in february and as many of you know it can be bitter out there and um i my ears were absolutely numb with the cold and there was a shop that sold those elmer Fudd hats that you knot under your chin. I think you mean Elmer Fudd style hats. I thought you meant like a cartoon hat. A cartoon hat's no good in a cold wind.

No, absolutely not. No, no, it's what I would call an Elmer Fudd hat. So it was shot, the shop, so I had to wait for it to open. So I sort of sheltered in its doorway and you'd think i'd never wear one of those hats i couldn't get it on quick enough perfect i i have a bugbear with overnight queuing of any kind i just think it's uh just just wait wait till it's out or see it another time but you miss it you see if you're queuing for tickets for example for something yeah you don't think i've never indulged in extreme queuing oh god no I mean, I think it's forgivable if it's just during the daylight hours, but overnight queuing, it's disrespectful to the homeless, for a start.

I mean, it's in Leicester Square, and suddenly there's 300 people queuing overnight, and the homeless are like, oh, welcome, tourists. Yeah, that's what it was like for us heavy drinkers at New Year's Eve, when the part-timer started blocking the bar. Speaking of which, I suppose it slightly took some of the starlight away from the homeless when I used to queue for 20 minutes for the local grocery shop to open so I could buy loose sherry at 8.30 in the morning. Yeah, sometimes you just tread on the homeless's toes. They need to talk in a bit more on the back side of the pavement. This is Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Sweet disposition temper trap. Nice. I've just got the patent for it this week. It's the sweet disposition temper trap. Oh, that sounds good, yeah. What happens is as your temper's coming out, a small portcullis closes across your mouth.

It's housed in the nostrils. It comes down and it stops you being abusive. I needed that this morning. I had a bit of it. Did you? Yeah, I had a tiff this morning. You had a bit of it. Did you? Yeah, I had a tiff this morning. You had a moment. I did have a moment.

You're allowed a moment. I'd like to apologise to my colleagues for my moment. No, I was happy with it. Were you? Yeah, I think I work better if there's tension in the air. It seems to gather my shoulders together. Sometimes my shoulders can hang very loose, but after that I felt they were up.

I could feel them rubbing against my earlobes. That was a good thing. We had a text earlier that just said is this absolute radio? With a question mark. No, because it sounds different from normal. No explanation or I'm testing my phone, but I like that.

What I like about it is I think every news bulletin played on here ends with the words this is absolute radio. It's pretty frequently mentioned, isn't it? It seems to suggest, I feel that we're letting the side down, that's what I'm taking a sec. Is this, what, is this absolute radio? Well, thank you very much.

Well, I certainly won't be listening to this. And gone. That's what I'm thinking. Well, I didn't even finish the sentence, just gone. Perhaps there's someone watching the webcam and wondering, is this absoluteute Radio? Well, do you think their webcam, they're on a bit of a click wonder and they've ended

up on the webcam, don't know what it is. Well, they know the number, don't they? It's on the wall there. Oh, well, they probably thought, you know, we're trapped in a boar stall, should have been released 25 years ago. I'm slightly concerned to discover that this has got a webcam because I was given some unrequested grooming advice

this week. Always a risk. So I was last here. A complete stranger said to me in a gathering a public place and she said you should have blow dried tonight. I think that's what she said. Obviously I had to fight the temptation

to not quite hear her properly. Did she really say that? She said you should have blown right tonight. See, with my invention, your sweet disposition temper trap would have closed down and it would have been all right, it would have stopped an incident. And as it was, I was incandescent with rage. Well, you were a good band candescent. I think what it was, was that it was one of my many two-shower days in the last week.

I've had quite a few two-shower days. I'm going to call you a two-shower turtle from now on. I think it's the hot weather. I think it's maybe the hot weather or maybe it's age. I'm starting to take more pride. Oh, I thought you meant you forget you've already had a shower. Yeah, yeah. No, but your hair, it's not, if I may say, it's not elaborate, is yeah. No, but I don't... Taking my medication twice as well.

Your hair, it's not, if I may say, it's not elaborate, is it? No, it's just a normal... I'm imagining you don't do anything with it. You wash it and leave it. Yeah, you're a wash-and-go chap, are you? Well, I think that was her very point. If you blow-dried it, it'd have a bit more body. I'm sorry for reminding you of the abuse.

No, I like the way it is. I like it. I blow-dried it today. Although I do quite like Saturday afternoons because I have a sort of a tuft that's created by headphones from Saturday mornings now. Does it? I worry about...

Can I be honest? I worry about men with blow-dries. It's a bit... I like Charlie Brooker, but when he was on the 10 o'clock show, see, that put me off him. And his hair went all Blake Carrington. Yeah, a bit quiffy. Yes, it really did.

I like the lack of product on Frank's hair for example. Well, I was I did a TV show this week. I did the Rob Brydon show and on the way there, and it's out in Teddington which is about, from where I live

is about seven or eight miles, probably and the driver had every window open in the cab. Now, I know that this particular cab company are told in hot weather that they have to have the air con on. But apparently air con, if you're driving all day, can use 10%, 15% extra petrol. This bloke had made a decision.

He was going to save. So I thought, well, I'm in a wind tunnel in the back. By the time I arrived, I was bouffant. I did. I looked like an 18th century fop in some sort of greying periwig, you know. And I didn't want Rob Brian to think it was, you know, some sort of reference. Well, some, you know, some hair base dig.

Yeah, so it can happen accidentally, to be fair. I was blow-dried against my will by a cab driver. Happens often. Yeah. But normally I wouldn't know if someone had or hadn't. But I envy you, because I do put a bit of product on, you see.

But I envy the fact that your hair is it's got, you know, it's got that sort of prisoner look, which I like. Prisoner? Yeah. Prisoner. Frank! I'm just the...

He doesn't look prisoner. No, but he's a man, you know, he's big, he's from the north, and he doesn't mess about with his hair. It all fits in. He's very no-nonsense, the cockerel, am I right? There is a bit of me that would quite like to just shave it all off. That's how no-nonsense I feel about it. No, don't do that, cockerel. It does my head in. No, don't do that.

The next thing you'll be wearing now is just those white slip-on trainers and an England shirt. Oh, no, that will not be me. And those shorts that sort of end at the knee will become one of those terrifying... No, no, no. OK, I realise that that's 80% of the absolute business. I apologise to you all.

Turning the off button. Yeah, but... No. But the fact of giving unprompted grooming... Unsolicited. Oh, I would never do that. If Frank had turned up here today in some open-toed sandals, I would have never said,

pedicure time. I wouldn't have done it. I just wouldn't... I wouldn't think to say to somebody, you ought to push your cuticles back or something like that. No. Well, I would, but... Would you? Yeah. I've never pushed your cuticles back or something like that. No. Well, I would. Would you?

Yeah. I've never pushed my cuticles back in my life, and they're amazing. It's one of the natural things about me that I'm pleased by. I'm glad to. I had the ultimate, I think, middle-aged man's grooming disaster this week when I cut my ear shaving. Oh! Yeah, I thought, I'll get this out with a razor.

Why pluck? Because I'm getting ear hair now. I'm not kidding you. It would take a small ribbon. I'm thinking I might do cornrows. Frank on radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You don't have to text us about anything. We're on 8, 12, 15. If you don't, forget that number. It's no use to you. Disregarded. If you want to establish whether it's Absolute Radio, it is. It is.

It's Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. I'm with Emily Dean. I'm with Alan Cochran. Good morning. I think that's all you need to know. Now, Frank, Alan was complaining. I'd go so far as to say complaining

about some unsolicited grooming advice he'd had. The woman said... You should have blow-dried. Yeah. And I'm actually with him on this because I didn't get advice. I got a review, an unsolicited hair review this week. Because I don't

know if you guys have noticed, but my hair's gone a few shades darker. No? Did you notice that, Alan? Yes. Oh, yeah. I like it. Do you? I do. I really like it. I feel you have to de-wag sometimes when you have highlights. You do have to de-wag. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I had

a dog that couldn't do it. In the the end it lost four stone in a month and died right you know what i mean by whack no it's just otherwise you it's a dangerous tightrope with these with a rogue caramel one row caramel and then suddenly you know your caramel is a highlight yeah that's a highlight so i was worried it was getting a bit colleen if you know what i mean so i thought i might go more down a sort of burnt molasses route that's a sort of burmese cat color okay so i advised my stylist yeah we reached a color we both i like burnt molasses it's like a like there's a big disaster in one of the uncle remus stores yeah okay we reached a color we're both happy with oh so that's is that but what what i'm looking at now is it a color that you've arrived at or is the color you were

born with um it's very close to my natural color close to your natural color yeah it's so we had a long discussion about this and then then I was very happy with it. My Scouse friend, Tony, saw him. He's one of the first people I saw. And they're famously forthright. They're very forthright, the Scouses. And brusque. You can see where I'm going. They're brusque forthright.

Ironically, we could not see where you were going. You couldn't? Wouldn't that be a great Penn and Teller type show? You know, the thing is that a magician comes on and they work out where he's at. If comedians came on, and then when you saw where the punchline was going, you rang a bell and told them the end of their own joke.

So, OK, so he comes over, the Scouse man. You've changed your hair? I said, yeah. He said, looks much better. Much better. That's all right, isn't it? That's good. No, that's not all right, Frank.

Because that's implying I had the worst hair ever prior to that. No, it isn't. It is. No, that's like when people, Star Wars fans will often say, the Empire Strikes Back is better than the original Star Wars. They still love the original Star Wars. They're just, you know, they're just making a point that... No. Oh, okay. I won't have it.

There are three responses. When a woman gets her hair done, can I tell you the three responses? There are three things you should say. Okay. I've actually got a list of them. I'm going to write them down. There's method one. Pens at the ready. I call it the gush. The gush. Very straightforward. The gush. You look

amazing. Your hair looks great. Yeah. I. Very straightforward. The gush. You look amazing. Your hair looks great. Yeah. I can do that. It's a little phony, but that's okay. We'll work on it. Method two. The gently suggestive. You look hot.

Maybe a wink. No, I don't think I'll be doing that one. Okay. You don't have to. I haven't even written it down. I've got the wrong tone for that. If I tell a woman she looks hot she'll probably think that i mean that she's a bit sweaty exactly you look hot do you want a fan and a cold drink

method three the gawk the gawk the gawk the gawk one okay you might want to extend it to and that's a little bit more camp that's more more, oh my God, how fierce do you look? Fierce. Writing that down. Okay. So those are the three methods. You can choose which one you're going to employ. Okay.

Now, what I remember you pointed out to me that I said your hair looked... Yeah, you said, once you said to me, Frank, you said, I like your hair, Em. It looks, how can I put this, more natural. Yeah, but that's a good thing, isn't it? I think so, yeah. Yeah, that's, again, to use the Star Wars analogy, now that you are almost your real colour,

it's sort of, I'm calling it nature strikes back. Very good. Can I ask you a very tricky question, which you don't have to answer? I'm already losing confidence in asking this question. It's okay. I'm quite grey. Yes, I do have them popping through. I do.

And those are dealt with, are they? Oh, yeah, with the burnt molasses. Yeah. Cancels them right out. Okay. It's quite a big thing for women in particular, I think, the grey thing I've discovered. Just zap them. I don't know about you, if I see a woman with short grey hair,

an older woman, short grey hair, I think, enthusiastic about the arts, maybe a former ballet dancer. If I see a woman with long grey hair, I think Nine Cats' interest in astrology. Yes. It's strange, isn't it? Anyway, we're going over to a woman

who has not got a grey hair in her head, Sandy Waugh, and she is going to do that travel thing. We only have this access. This is Frank Skinner. Absolute. Radio. Tainted love. Tainted love, soft sell.

Oh, I love the word tainted. Yes. Yeah. Or in Emily's case, tinted love. Frank, we've had a text in from 714. Thing to say when you know a woman has been to the hairdressers is, closed, were they? Oh, funny.

I like it. When my wife comes back from the hairdressers and I hear the door shut, I automatically say, your hair looks amazing. Before I've seen her, when I'm in a different room, I'll shout it. Your hair looks amazing.

It's a good tip. And does she know you're being ironic? Yes. OK. No, she's unaware. She's not bright. Well, you might have CCTV for all she knows. She's not a bright woman.

That's why we get on so well. I can't believe you said that. You went looks. You went looks, didn't you? I, um... Oh, God. She's a regular listener and she'll know I went both. Ooh, got out of that one.

Both. What does that mean? It went a bit Hercule Poirot, did I? It did a bit. I received a gift this week. Oh, lovely. You know, sometimes you do a TV thing and there's a gift. It's dying out, I must say, in the recession.

But you get a gift in the dressing room. Oh, I've had some beauties over the years. And I did the Rob Brydon show, as I said this week. And Rob Brydon actually said to me the best freebies he's ever had is he went to a film thing. Steve Coogan did a film, you may recall. And at the film thing, the goodie bag included free laser eye surgery. No.

A voucher. You know when you get 10 pence off beans this had this had like a free laser eye surgery i'd worry about the freebie element well he had it done it was uh he flew to la i might not be i'm perhaps i'm not supposed to say that anyway might have had other things done as well at the same time so obviously he's learned from this and decided to put similar um you know similarly uh fabulous gifts for the guests on his show. So I got a free cardigan. Lovely.

And I realise I've never owned a cardigan in my life. And I've always associated cardigans with old men. But I noticed you had a cardigan on the other week, didn't you? I was sporting a Smedley yeah see behind my back cardigans have crept into a sort of a

Brit pop mod retro and I miss that managans, male cardigans is that really? yeah managans I hadn't even heard that before my brother sometimes sports a coatigan. Oh, does he?

Where do slippers fit into the Britpop firmament? Have they come back? I'm not sure. I'm a bare feet around the house kind of guy. Oh, that's a bit louche. It is. Don't want to say if I'm gauche and louche today, haven't we? So this one, though, it's pale blue and it's um i think i would say the brand name it's uh

it's a slasinger yeah slasinger cardigan now for me any image of a wild cat on a cardigan is it's contradictory and also it's i I think it might be golf wear. Well, it is quite... I'm feeling a bit tense about the powder blue on you. Bit Bing Crosby, potentially. Well, as soon as I put it on, I went, when the blue of the night... I couldn't resist it.

And I noticed as I put it on, I didn't... Because I'm not used to a cardigan, I put it on without undoing the buttons. I went over my... Jumper style. Yeah. Popped it on like it was a v-neck. What you have to do, Frank, is rebrand it.

It's a bit like the news of the world. Rebrand it as a buttoned knit. I think the cardigan on Sondy seems to be perfect, doesn't it? Do you mean think of it as a buttoned jumper? A buttoned knit. No, not jumper. Buttoned knit? Yeah? What would that mean? It means what it says.

OK, give me a little death stare there. Don't want to have ever had that moment so far. Avoid fashion, that's my advice. There's no pockets, which is one plus. No, that's a relief. Because I find if there's pockets, I'll use them. No, that's a relief. Because I find if there's pockets, I'll use them.

And you know when you wear a combat trousers and you're supposed to leave those big patch pockets at the side empty? I used to have them crammed, crammed with, you know, sandwiches, a book. Some mumbugs, a spanner. Exactly. Lots of stuff. And with the cardigans, if you go into the pocket, there's almost always a used tissue, isn't there? That's what people put in a cardigan pocket.

Yeah, yeah. A couple of Werther's Originals. Who wants that? It's not you. But golf wear's bad enough on the golf course, in the street. Don't fear the cardigan, though. Embrace it, Frank. I think it'd be a good look for you.

Do you think so? I don't know if I'll wear it out. It might be one of those loose-fitting things that I wear on a night in do you have a baggy cardigan it's xl all right obviously you know they got a job lot who do they think you were brian blessed you're not xl i think i think that was blessed's car stuff i think bryden went to a car boot sale because it was that the gifts was all sorts of random stuff. There was like some breath fresheners, a cardigan and

a phone case. I mean it was, anyway. It's a lovely blouse, don't get me wrong. Oh yeah. So yeah, I might wear it, I might not. Okay. We'll see how it goes. Again, I've ended you see even talking about a cardigan

it's all gone a bit casual and squidgy where I wanted it to end spiky and youth no I like the final line of the show to be we'll see how it goes anyway that's not going to be the final line of the show because I have to say that if you want to download the Not The Weekend

podcast which millions I I'm told, millions of people do. Oh, the latest figures blew me away. You can do that on Wednesday. Probably Tuesday night. Be straight with you. I'm tapping my nose as I say this bit. Ben Jones is next. He wouldn't wear a cardigan

if you paid him a million pounds. And as I've often pointed out, as they said in Tron, end of line. Welcome to Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.