The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Halloween

Episode Date: October 29, 2011

Frank, Emily and Alun discuss Halloween costumes, royal secrets and T-shirt Slogans

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skinner! Frank Skinner! Absolute Radio! This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran, two people who often accompany me on this short journey on Saturday mornings. And hopefully we're with you at home. Oh, yes. Always an exciting moment when the clocks go back. Clocks go back tonight. Oh, tonight. I think it's a little bit H.G. Wells, it always feels to me.

I feel when the clocks go back, I like to actually stay up for them to go back, so I feel, whoa. You know, check the tea, see if it's suddenly got hot again. And all that. It is weird, though, isn't it? It sort of highlights how time itself is just a theory, isn't it? It's like a... Is it a quantitative theory? No, no, that's not... Oh, my goodness.

That's this morning's texting. What is time? It is a quantitative theory. Oh, it's a relative concept. Oh, you are. Anyway, yes, you're quite right, it is. We've had a texting already, Frank. Oh, good one.

On 8-12-15? Yes. This is from Ian in Leamington Spot. I think he might be one of my regulars. Oh, I can almost see the wrought iron regency fencing around his home. Dear Mr Radio, Gemily, that's gorgeous, Emily. His words, not mine. And the cockerel.

Last week, a listener noted how great it would be if BFM, that's Britain's fattest man, was followed around by a tuba player. I think this was on the Midweek podcast. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. You've got to imagine him... Bing Crosby's walking into the studio. No, you've got to... BFM on the mobility scooter going down to the pie shop. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

The upper arms leaving two trails in the dust either side. Have we explained who the BFM is? It's a Britain's Fattest Man. Everyone knows who he is. He needs no introduction. Ian has a question. What instrument would the three of you

like to have following you around and being played? It's a good opener. I think I'd go for the theremin. Oh, would you? It gives me a sort of sci-fi feel. Oh, is there? Frank Skinner, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, I'd be happy with that. I'd probably just have a solitary... Is it the trumpet that does the Hovis song? Yeah, you need... You need Brighouse st rastric band it could be a bit have you ever read that album um ross noble gave me an album called um acid brass and it was kind of was it 1992 it was it was it was around that era yeah frank i think i'd have an accordion accompanying me what french style or style or folky or Irish show band?

Very French, very Backstreet to Paris me. Oh, I think I have a rough idea of the kind of thing you mean. Oh, I thought you were going to do the sheet one. And you've got the stripy jumper this morning as well for the whole thing. And I think I can smell onions. No, that's alcohol. Oh, no. Anyway, so I had a bit of a turnaround this week.

I was actually a guest on Absolute Radio rather than the mine host role. Wow. In fact, I sat in your very chair, Alan. This room? Yeah, and I'd been doing the interview for about three minutes before I realised I was in the studio we're normally in. Which is, it was quite early in the morning. But also, yeah, sitting there is very different.

You can see all the world outside and everything. Yeah. See, I sit with my back to the street, I might tell everyone, in sort of like Wild Bill Hickok did when he was shot dead. Oh. And I remember he sat with his back to the swinging doors in the saloon and someone came in and...

Yeah. Luckily, the card hand he was holding was a losing hand. Now known as a dead man's hand, actually. I can't remember what the actual cards were. Anyway, a little bit of Will Bill Hickok. Fact file. So this was on the OC show that you were on.

Yes, Christian O'Connell's show. And I always do, if ever I do a radio show in the morning interview, I always like to listen to the show on the way in because then you feel, you you feel you can back reference Good tip for budding radio guests Yeah it is Always listen to the show on the way in and obviously we used to have guests

on this show but I got fed up of it You think he's joking? We stopped doing that It was like being at a fun teenage party and suddenly your parents came home early. Of course, there have been exceptions.

We've had some guests that were so funny they became regular presenters, naming no names. Oh. But on the way in, I had this... I was in a cab and I said to the guy, could you put Absolute Radio on? Because I said, I'm doing a radio show on Absolute. I'm about to be interviewed on Absolute Radio,

so I'd like to sort of get into what they're talking about. He said, what radio? I said, well, that's already a blow to the ego. I said, Absolute Radio? And he said, hold on a minute. And he started flicking. He said, what frequency is he? Do you know? Exactly, I've no idea what frequency is. He just pressed a button. So, like I ever

listen to anything else, so I need to know what frequency is. Anyway, he was driving with, steering with one hand, and his other hand was frantically going at the radio, and I started to think, we're going to perish here. We're going to perish. I'm going to be lying in the wreckage of this car and the two sounds I'm going to die listening to is oxyacetylene equipment, police shouting you'll be alright in a minute

and Christian O'Connell slagging me off for not turning off. Eventually this bloke said the thing is, it would really be good if you could find it, cos I'm going to be on it in a minute. And he said, um... Will Hart do?

Well, how could he? That's going to help me in what way? Give me a general commercial radio feel. Pathetic. Absolute Radio, Frank Skimmer. Well, there's an absolute panic gone off now because the producers run around trying to find out what frequency absolute right i don't like the fact that we're on it we don't know what it is it's a very because if we suddenly fell off it like in the in the um in the time space continuum we won't be able to find our way back we'll be floating

forever we found the frequency though didn't we did we apparently yes i think the producer did the time-space continue and we won't be able to find our way back. We'll be floating forever. We found the frequency though, didn't we? Did we? Apparently, yes. I think the producer did. After extensive Googling, I might add. Someone texted in to say that we're only on digital radio, which is a goddamn lie! That was 158.

Yeah, 158. 158. What is wrong with the moustaches and the running gear? Anyway. Well, Frank, I.58? What is wrong with the moustaches and the running gear? Anyway. Well, Frank, I know that you were on the OC this week. Do you know how I know that? I don't know how that got out. He's only wearing a singlet.

Do you know how I know that? Do you know he does the show in just a singlet? He doesn't. Does he? Yeah, quite long, quite long to be fair. Oh, like a 90 version of a singlet. He doesn't. Does he? Yeah. Quite long, quite long to be fair. Oh, like a nightie version of a singlet. Me length.

Oh, nice. Um, because I had the most horrific moment and it concerned you and the OC. Oh, okay. I woke up

about 7.15. I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no,

I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no,

I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no,

I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no,

I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no,

I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no,

I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no, I'm no,

I'm no, What day was I on? Thursday. It must have been a Thursday. That's right, yeah. And I did that thing where my alarm went off on my phone and I was half asleep and I went to turn it off and then my Twitter, you know, I'm a fan of Twitter. Oh, yes. So a tweet came up, the most recent tweet I had came up. I'm going to cough. It's very unprofessional, but I'm going to cough. Keep talking.

Okay. And the tweet that I got... It's a terrible Victorian asylum. That spittoon's coming handy, isn't it? He's not got long, Doctor. So, yeah, so a tweet came up which said, Frank Skinner will be live on Absolute from 8am. And I was half asleep.

Oh, my, I nearly ended my life. I felt absolutely sick. You thought it was Saturday morning? Yes, I did. I staggered. I put my robe on. I staggered into the bathroom. I was Saturday morning? Yes, I did. I staggered. I put my robe on. I staggered into the bathroom. I was like hyperventilating.

I thought, oh, what am I going to do? Was your mind running through all the sort of possible excuses? What am I going to do? I'm going to need a cab. What am I going to wear? Can I go in just in a robe? If the OC can wear a singlet, surely I can go in in this. You could have turned up in your PJs.

Well, it felt like about two hours. It was probably only about 20 seconds, but it can go in in this. You could have turned up in your PJs. Wow. It felt like about two hours. It was probably only about 20 seconds, but it felt like about two hours. It was so horrific. So many women have said that to me. Well, that's... It gets the blood flowing, though, something like our first thing in the morning. I felt very relieved when I realised it was the OC. It's a great wake-up

call. It's like losing a wallet and then realising, oh, I don't have to cancel all those cards. It's actually in my jacket pocket. Oh, that's great. Finding the wallet you thought you'd lost is one of the best things ever. It is. It's almost worth the loss, isn't it? Oh, it's worth that 20 seconds of, oh, no, I definitely had it

in this pocket, and then find, oh, it's beautiful. Yeah. I sometimes, I stage it. Do you? Just for myself. I'm able to just blank out the staging element just for the thrill of oh no I've got it oh god I've got it thank god

if you can willingly suspend your disbelief for theatre you can for a staged wallet loss why not what else happened around at the OCs Gareth well I mean one odd thing that happened is I... First of all, when I arrived at Absolute, I thought, is it all right to use my dibber to get in?

Oh. Because I'm a guest rather than a host. I feel like some sort of burglar. Anyway, I got in, I sat in reception, which I don't normally do, and a great amount of fruit arrived. I mean, about nine crates of fruit wow arrived and i thought is there an absolute elephant that's kent the weekday yeah i'll take a home weekend the oc likes an umbongo smoothie is that right well um i um i asked someone, I said, is there a circus in town? And he said, one of the great things about working at Absolute is they're getting a lot of fruit for the staff.

No. Did you know that? No. There's none left at the weekends. What a fabulous policy. There's not. I reckon there's a deal with the local market, you know. Don't throw it away. Anyway, so yeah,

I was very, Absa Fruit Radio, I call it. I say, Absa Fruit Radio. Oh, yeah. The old vitamin C. Sorry, I'm dragging away. Anyway, so So you enjoyed your time with him? I did. Sorry, I'm dragging away. Anyway, so

So you enjoyed your time with him? I did. Although he did do that thing that he always does to me at the OCs. He brought up the letter. The letter? Oh, I know about that. Don't you know about the letter? What happened was when he was an aspiring stand-up

comedian, he sent me a letter asking for advice and help. Oh, did he? To which I never comedian. He sent me a letter asking for advice and help. Oh, did he? To which I never replied. Oh. He hasn't moved on. No, he hasn't moved on. I always say, you know, perhaps it didn't turn up,

but he's still beating a whitey. Right. Every time. And I feel bad about it. Just write back to him and blame a postal strike. That's a good idea. If I can get back into an early 90s mode. If I can develop a youthful vigour to my handwriting again.

Rob Brydon did the same thing to me. He got me on his show and then said to me, of course you're a nicer bloke nowadays. I said, what do you mean? He said, well, I spoke to you in a green room like 22 years ago and you more or less ignored me. Blimey. Oh dear oh dear yeah there's no need for it isn't it you know what they say be nice to people on the way up because uh you might meet them at sky absolute radio with frank skinner so um great news apparently um reach is flat what yeah reach reach is flat i mean i was was i relieved to hear that

that sounds like beaches brook yeah i am just flat when i arrived at absolutely the other day i saw one of the bosses here and i he said it's the radio yesterday oh which is which is when they announced like the various ratings on radio it's a big deal in radio. We haven't heard anything. I said, any news? Well, exactly. I thought, is anyone listening to us yet? He said, don't reach his flat. I said, oh, no.

Reach his flat. I said, how did that happen? He said, no, no, it's good news. I said, oh, brilliant. So, yeah, it means... Flat is never good news in my book. Well, exactly. I have to say, I've never seen the producer more amused by a conversation.

It's a very radio joke. It's a really radio joke. She likes an in-radio joke. Yeah, apparently reach is how many people you reach. And if it's flat, it means it's neither gone up or down, so it's stabilised. Oh, like it's flat-lined. That doesn't sound good. No, not flat-lined.

Flat as in it's stabilised. Surely reaches up is better than reaches flat. Well, yeah, but we didn't get reaches up. We only got reaches flat. Rome wasn't built in a day. Nor was it flattened. It could have been flattened in a day. It's not flattened. That's the building still standing. I've seen them. We've also had a text

from Yvette from West Brom. Frank, you've... Is she on the ghost hunt? Is it that one? You've admitted to a dislike of bob geldof because he wouldn't say please i'm wanting some popcorn from you something that happened a long time ago that's a good point i wouldn't say dislike let's call it low thing also to be fair he fed the world i you know i um well did they fine and he didn't say please. I noticed he didn't send them any popcorn. That was all kept at his house. But anyway, yeah, but I've apologised to the OC about the letter that was never...

You know, if Bob Geldof came up to me and said, Oh, sorry, Frank, I don't know you, you popcorn. You know, I could think about it. But, you know, instead he remained sneering. So does the OC just call himself the oc and everyone goes along with it yeah that's like it's an absurd concept you got a problem with it well his surnames are connell does that make me the c i don't know if i like that well that's a matter of debate no you're the cockwood so you've got you know you call yourself the

cockler everyone's got along with it well i haven't called myself you definitely are i didn't call you. It was a text from a listener. Oh, was it? Oh, everything's lying on me just like that. What's going on? You two, stop it. I'm sure it wasn't me that called myself.

I need to talk to you both. Don't worry. It's nothing that bad. But I have had one of my unfortunate incidents. Oh, OK. Can we get a cloth? Yes. I was at my sister's house. and a friend of hers was there now i've known this girl i'd say eight to ten year stretch at least um i don't know her well

but you know she pops in and out of my life occasionally what's her context is she a neighbor of your sister or something of that um i think it's child--based friendship. When you have children, you get friendly with people because they've got children. Baby friends. Not because you have similar interests. Absolutely nothing else in common except babies. Baby friends, yeah. They talk about nappies a lot. Do they? Anyway, so this... What happened to the

old-fashioned nappies that used to wash? Oh, with the safety pins? Yeah. They got dirty. It's got a punk feel to them. It's all gone now. Teddy bears at the safety pins? Yeah. Yeah. They got dirty. It's got a punk feel to them. It's all gone now. Teddy bears at the front, I mean. Who cares about where the teddy bears are? And don't leave them in the gutter. That's not right. Carry on.

So I'm talking to this individual. You can tell I don't. I've gone off her. I'm saying individual. There's a frost in us there. There's a foie de. A what? A foie de. There is. A foie de the snowman. There's is i said the snowman was very that guy she's talking she says oh well yeah it's been a nightmare trying to sort out child care i mean sorry sorry i've forgotten your name i said it's the same it's been for the last 10 years you didn't say that i did i

did oh oh good on you it got ugly it got very it? It got very ugly, yeah. But I did think, Frank, so I couldn't look at her in the same way again after that. I'm sorry. Why look at her at all after that? Don't forget my name. Why do people get so touchy about their names? Oh, I really do. Oh, well, I got touchy this week in Hull. You got touchy in Hull.

I did the Hull Comedy Festival. They've got a backdrop with all the comedians' names on it, and mine is spelled Alan Contrain. C-O-N. It's not even a misspelling that happens. I could understand A-I-N-E, but C-O-N. Nobody's called Contrain in the history of the world. Did they get Alan with a U?

Did they get that bit right? They got that bit right, the difficult part. That's the tricky bit. But, you know, they could have Googled me. So they got over Alan with a U, they got complacent. Yeah. That's what happened. Infuriated.

It's just a horrible feeling. When someone forgets your name, it makes me feel very inconsequential and overlooked. I don't like that feeling. I agree, Sarah. Sorry, Emily. My problem is when I first meet someone, I'd say I tune in about 25 seconds into what they're telling me. Yeah, like our listeners. It's a bit... Well, that's it.

You see, this is my point, is what it means is a kind of a DJ opening. You know, coming up, my name and what I do for a living. And then I'd be ready for it. But they say, oh, I'm some... And I'd be, oh, yeah, OK. Then I think, I didn't hear any of that. I was concentrating on the handshake and what you look like. And, you know, Bob Monkhouse once said to me,

don't do anything funny at the beginning of your act because the audience like to spend the first couple of minutes just looking at your suit. It's a great piece of advice. Yes, I've worked with them all worked with them all and yeah so I need

to start concentrating early on I came up with a series of tricks to remember people's names but you have to be careful I've heard about the tricks I knew a woman called Val and she was an ugly woman, I must say. Val's off an R.

Yeah, and she was a very ugly woman. And I used to, in order to remember her name... Why have you got your hand up your hoodie? Take it out. Sorry. And in order to remember her name, I used to think Valhalla. Which is obviously a form of hell.

Frank, it could have been worse. You could have gone Doonican. I could have gone Doonican. I didn't go Doonican. I didn't know that well. Absolute Radio with Frank Skimmer. Hey, this is Absolute Radio on 105.8 FM and 12.15 AM. Wow, you're good.

Thanks. What was we saying about names and... Oh, yeah, I remember people's... That someone forgotam. Wow, you're good. Thanks. What was we saying about names? Oh, yeah. That someone forgot mine. Oh, yeah. You see, the thing is to connect it with a visual image. Oh, people say this all the time. And then they always pick a really convenient example.

Like, if you meet someone called Stephen Lighthouse, just picture his face. Yeah, well. You go, well, I'm not trapped in a Dickens novel. It's not like that in real life. You know why we're all trapped in a Dickens novel. It's not like that in real life. In a way, we're all trapped in a Dickens novel. He said that with a grin which agitated his countenance from one auricular organ to the other. It's from Pickwick Papers. Yeah, see, with Emily, I would think of her in a... Oh, no. How can I put this? In a physical clinch with Bagpuss.

Oh! Because Bagpuss always used to be a line where it said, but Emily loved him. Oh. Right, of Bagpuss. So I'd think of them in an act of love. And then I'd always remember Emily. No!

I might occasionally call her Bagpuss. It's not foolproof. I sometimes, I'll mumble a name. If I half hear it, have you done that? Oh. You've really got to style that one out. Yeah, I don't know if I can get away with it. Oh, I've done it. I won't sacrifice enunciation,

even for other people's feelings. And that's final. Have you done that thing where you hang around with a person? Bruce Forthright, they call me. Bruce Forthright. Have you done that thing where you think you know a person... Bruce Forthright, they call me. Bruce Forthright. Yeah. Have you done that thing where you think you know a person's name, but you're not confident enough in it,

so you stand there in a long conversation with a group of people waiting for somebody to use that person's name, and you just think, is no-one going to say Emily or whatever? Well, the nightmare is when you're with someone, and then the person whose name you don't know comes over, and you can't do the introduction. Yes, you can. I did then the person whose name you don't know comes over and there's no, you can't do the introduction. Yes, you can.

I did it last night. Did you? Yeah, I did. I was with my friend Polly. I didn't know this guy's name and I said, you know Polly, don't you? Oh, good. And then I've dispensed with it.

It's not my responsibility. I'm going to write that down. I don't know if it'll work if I'm with someone who isn't called Polly. Also, Frank Pepper, your conversation with darlings a lot, that's what I do. It's very Craig Revel Hall.

It works all right with you. I don't know if people are tech a darling from me. No, or me. I was in the BBC the other night with my manager, and he was wearing a laminate with his name on and stuff so he can get into the BBC. Just the badge, not an entire laminate, like wearing a laminate you know with his with his name on and stuff so he can get into the bbc just the badge not an entire laminate like a body laminate no not a body is it such a thing as a body laminate let's hope not but he had a thing with his name on and um we were with um

chico um you know from x factor and he grabbed my manager's laminate to read who he was before he even spoke to him. I mean, that's a bit rude. Yeah. But that's it with Chica. I sometimes wonder if it's still his time. Yeah. Or if his time has passed.

Have you got a system for memorising Chica's name? Yeah, I've got. Well, I would do, but I don't have a watch at the moment because the strap broke on my watch. So without the time hint. Frank, we've had a text in. Excellent George Formby

programme. Oh, I love George. I know we're not allowed to praise your things, but I loved it. No, but I'm just putting it out there. I loved it. Was singing along much to the consternation of my wife? My wife! By the way, was some of the filming done in your bedroom? It was done in a bedroom.

Let's put it that way. Oh, God. But they said, can we... Because I said, you know, I stay up till three o'clock in the morning on the internet. And they said, yes, but let's not. And I said, no, looking at ukulele videos. And so we simulated that. We hired a bedroom, a squalid bedroom for me to sit in.

I will say squalid. If you're the man whose bedroom it was, I think it was made deliberately squalid. Not squalid, but pokey. And yeah, because I get a lot of, I've learned a lot of my ukuleling from um from people on the internet so if you want to learn how to play formby style again just look it up formby style ukulele and there it all is great it's a whole lifestyle just sitting there

waiting that's what i'm saying frank frank frank skinner frank skinner absolute radio Frank, Frank, Frank, Skimmer. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. I thought I'd just flag up something that I've seen this week. I don't know if you're aware. I know you guys are big reality TV fans, because last week... Don't say it with that sort of disapproving. I can't help it, because last week when we were in,

there must have been an hour and a half of conversations about the X Factor off-air, and I felt a little bit lost. Yeah, but what I don't like, I don't mind people not knowing about the X Factor, but it's when they don't know about it with a superior air. That's not... Oh, yes, I haven't been watching the X Factor, actually, in a sort of, I'm superior to you.

That's not what I'm doing. That's not what I'm doing. That's not what I'm doing. I'm still on the comedy circuit. I do Saturday nights, don't I? Have you not got Sky Plus? I've got Sky Plus, but to be honest... Well, that is wantonly avoiding it if you've got Sky Plus. It is, yeah, yeah.

You've only got a press series link and it's there forever. I'll tell you why I am wantonly avoiding it, because every time I see a little bit of it, it feels really emotionally manipulative. I feel like Oh, I'm sorry, have you not met me? I've been forced to care. If I wanted to be emotionally manipulated, I'd have just

selected a life partner slightly less well. That's the way I just had. I'd have a more combative relationship. Well, as you've got a happy and content relationship, you need a bit of extra from X Factor. A frisson. Do you think I need a frisson? I think you need a bit of extra from X-Fact. A frisson. Do you think I need a frisson? I think you need a frisson. I was often thinking that. I find your hair very flat.

It is, yeah, yeah. You know somebody once said to me, you should blow dry. It just needs lifting a little. It does. It's the headphones on a satin. That's what you said about my jawline the other day. Yeah, I met with the right uppercut. my jawline the other day yeah i met with a right uppercut anyway here's a reality show that i am interested in not least because of the title oh yeah uh desperate scouse wives i just think it's a funny pun again a tv show that's been commissioned because of the pun it is exactly that it's it's very only falls on horses only thought it was Only Fools, was that one? Yes, it was. That is funny.

Yeah. I like the idea of one. But commissioned solely for that reason. About a group of people from Yorkshire taking ecstasy called E by Gum. There you go. That's probably going to get going. Yeah, that's good. I like that.

Brummie Mummies you could have. It's about young mums from Birmingham. That is my favourite show already and they haven't even made it. I think that could get made. Mommy, Mommy's, Frank. I can think of a show set in Bakewell. Frank! What?

I'm not available for those filming dates, I'm sorry. Or Very Successful Call Girls. Powerhouse. Powerhouse, great. See, all those will just be commissioned because people think we've got the title yeah the rest is basic i'd like yorkshire dales where dale winton attempts to meet in the manner of dave gorman i'll meet other everyone called dale yeah be great yeah just all right no specifically in the yorkshire area or perhaps you could have one with him and Katie Hill, the former Blue Peter presenter.

Yeah. Sort of being free and easy in the area with the locals. And it'd be called Uphill and Down Dale. Anyway, yes, I... What do you think of Desperate Gals? I had a reality TV moment this week. Oh, did you? My girlfriend Twitter searches me.

I never look on the internet because you'll only find terrible things. And I think this is... She says, I'll only ever tell you if it's a nice thing. And I said, no, I don't want to know at all. She said, no, I'll always tell you if someone's saying something nice about you. So I felt she slightly bent the rules this week when she said there's a lot of thing on a lot of things on Twitter about um Johnny from X Factor I don't know if you're aware of Johnny he's a sort of very camp very thin man that Johnny from X Factor looks like Frank Skinner with a serious illness

now i don't know if this was i was supposed to read this as flattery because johnny looks i mean i love johnny but he's terrible he's terrible physically oh i'm with you on that i voted for the man but you have what i would say you did actually vote didn't you yeah i love two weeks running you have what i would call an abstemious glow about you a very good skin johnny looks like he's been around the block a bit well i think yeah but the only lookalike anthony cotton was one of my other lookalikes from coronation straight also a homosexual oh what am i to deduce from this well it isn't difficult to work actually actually i don't know if Johnny is, I'm guessing. I don't feel there's a shot in the dark, to be honest.

But anyway, I liked the bit this week when Louis Walsh kept in the mad kitty instead of the big woman. Oh, yes. Sammy was it. I think she got the royal boot. Sammy, who looks like Richard III gone to seed. Yeah. And he kept saying Kitty, and he could tell he looked at Sammy in a way of,

I must keep in Kitty or she'll kill us both. I love all that. I love it. Why are people so snooty? I wasn't being snooty. The cockerel wouldn't look down his little beak at anyone. Oh, no, I'm not a snob. I'm fine with it.

You can enjoy it. I just feel a bit left out. It's that look you give me when I talk about it. It is. I can't cope with it. Maybe I'm just not into singing competitions, either. What's that got to do with it? Well, that's part... Like, if you're going to go past the emotional manipulation, you probably should be interested in singing competitions, as you are.

Yeah. And I'm not that interested. What are you interested in? Come on, give me one example. Don't mind a bit of dinner, do I? I like food. What is it? There's enough programmes with that on.

Let's face it. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215 about anything. I mean anything. People have.

Somebody's texted about remembering names. If in any doubt, use the multi-purpose names. For the older person, it would be boss, chief, love or darling. Boss is a good one. Very Sweeney, that. All right, boss. For the younger person, go with sunshine, geezer or gorgeous. I'm suspecting that this guy's a geezer.

And for anybody you used to work with but whose name escapes, you go with alo mate. Alo mate. People don't like mate, I find. Yeah. I hate men calling their children mate which I've heard before

I had a man saying I think you should be able to remember their names yeah I mean there'll be a certificate somewhere if you're absolutely

pushed certificate no it's just a real affectation I can't bear it hmm I walked into a clothes shop once

and one of the young assistants said, yes, mate, I just walked straight out here. I don't want to wear these clothes. I'll be forever tarnished by your informality. I don't like clothes tarnished by informality under any circumstances. No, it's my worst tarnish. Yeah? What's your second worst tarnish?

I'd rather not have old snap. Shop soiling. Whatever happened to shop soiled? Shop soiled? Yeah, sometimes in clothes shops, you'd see a little thing, label, that said shop soiled, and it would take some money off. Oh, yeah.

And seconds. You get seconds on markets, don't you? You do. Seconds. I do, yeah. On the dueling stall. On the dueling stall. On the dueling stall. Yeah.

Somebody's texted, 228 has texted. I don't like sloppy seconds. Oh, no. I get what I can take, like. Morning, Frank and team. Thanks for the reminder on the clocks go back. Completely forgot. See, I've changed someone's life.

It's a civic duty, this, isn't it? That bloke would have probably missed mass. That bloke is Lisa. That bloke's currently operating under the name Lisa. He don't need to have missed his operation. Yeah. Alright, mate. Alright, mate. Sorry, mate. Sorry, babe.

Nice, babe. Babe. Babe has become, he can for boy or girl now. Really? Yeah, you can say babe as a bit of a light-hearted thing to her. I don't think you can. Don't do it at home. I don't like it when a shop assistant

did it to me once. Called you babe? Yeah, she went, I won't say the name actually, why should I give her free advertising? She called me babe. She went, all right, babes. Call me babes?

Yeah, that was ironic. They call them, men call each other love in bits of Huddersfield. She went, all right, babes. Call me babes? Yeah, that was ironic. They call them... Men call each other love in bits of Huddersfield. All right, love. I'm intrigued by bits of Huddersfield. Bits of Huddersfield. A novel by Bette of Ambridge.

Oh, I haven't done that for a long time. You know what? Felt good. So, Frank, I'm rather stiff with stress. Oh, no. Re-Halloween Oh, alias On Monday night Actually I think Frank and I both It's another cockerel, sorry

He disapproves of Halloween as well No, just Just dinner, you can't just build your life around dinner BFM does I don't disapprove of Halloween Well you see, Frank and I have both been invited to the same party, haven't we? We have It's a celebrity party Is it? Well I say celebrity. It's actually, it's a dear friend. It's Jonathan Ross's party. It's quite the bash. You've name dropped.

have you got your costume sorted i'm going as purple aki what's that no i'm not i'm uh i'm thinking of putting a stocking over my head and going as a very very badly deformed leg what do you think that's horrible i can't believe i've named jet purple aki i can't go it's a terrible story it's really not breaking this radio stuff no No, no, don't. No, really don't. No, I won't. Frank, will you tell me in the break? But what am I... OK, I have a problem with my costume. The first problem is,

when you find out what I am going as, I don't think you'll ever talk to me again. Uh-oh. Oh, no. I'm honestly not joking, Frank. It's a big... I think you're going to have a major issue. I really do. You're not going as my ex-wife couldn't get the makeup probably for her to go she's a nice person

you're not gonna like it frank um is it the listeners can guess what it is is it religious no okay no is it um it's something you hate. Is it Mick McCarthy? Bob Geldof. I don't... Can I say I don't hate Bob Geldof? It's your worst nightmare in so many respects. Oh, OK. I might not reveal it yet, quite yet. OK.

I am very, very intrigued by that. I had a bit of a sleepless night about it. I'm so worried about your reaction. I think it's potentially friendship destroying. Are you going as the Brits? Well, that's... I don't know what to make of that now. I'm thinking of injecting myself with dysentery

and going as Johnny from X Factor. I need to lose maybe three stars. Thanks! I love Johnny. He's my Factor. Oh, yeah. I need to lose maybe three stars. Thanks. I love Johnny. He's my favourite. I hope he wins. Beautiful. I was invited to a Halloween party last night

by my show business management, even though they knew that they had booked me for a theatrical engagement and that I had a Saturday morning radio show. And the previous year they had a Halloween party and they'd already booked me for Bristol. Do you think they just don't want me to go to their party? They don't want you to come.

It's a pity because you only need the bolts. I only need the bolts. I do have a Frankenstein look about me. This is the theme tune for Brummie Mummies. Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner. That's the four, I'm a mummy. I'm a mummy. It's sort of apt, isn't it, for the Halloween sort of horror-y? It is.

That's what I was doing. Tell you what I feel sorry for at Halloween. Emos and goths. They just look at people thinking, tourists, this is my thing. Yeah, when I had a drink problem, I used to be like that at Christmas. I knew it, you see. Where were you guys? Where were you guys for the rest of the year round? No, I can't get served. Is that fair? I always feel like that when fat people see me in the chippy. Like, yeah, tourists. I'm having a takeaway now.

I think it's nice for goths and emos, because it's their gaff, their rules. The one day of the year when it is. because it's their gaff, their rules, the one day of the year when it is. I saw an emo doing the walk of shame this morning, a goth that had obviously been a... Not a goth, like somebody at a Halloween party going home the next day in the previous night's clothes. Oh, I wondered what time he'd left. Yeah. I went to see Alice Cooper,

interviewed about his horror movie influences last night at the BFI, and there was the crowd, a lot of the crowd had made the effort. Oh, had they? One man had, he had a leather coat with bat wings and a spinal cord sort of stopped to the back of the coat. I have to say there was a bit of a hint of Matrix, but I thought he got away with it because of the wings. Nice. But it was touch and go there. But, yeah, I was actually a bit frightened.

I really love the idea of being into horror films, but I find them a bit frightening. Yeah. And Kath's away for the weekend, so, you know, when the Kath's away. And I knew if I... I knew I'd go home and, being on on my own and be a bit frightened it's as simple as that i got frightened this morning by my own charity mask on the door i had to paint a mask for charity and i hung it on the door and i thought it'll dry off there and also it'll i

won't forget it in the morning because it's on the door. So I went into the corridor. And so that's the kind of wimp I am. So, Frank, re-Halloween. Re-Halloween. I don't think I'm going to tell you. I actually don't think I'm going to tell you what my costume is because I'd like it to be a surprise. Well, if it's something I really, really hate. Yeah, but then it'll make the evening fabulously scary.

In some ways, it's a dream Halloween. OK. I had to do a trailer for the BBC this week about things I hate, because I just had to list things I hated. And I rattled off loads of stuff, and one of them I did was, I hate that part of Strictly Come Dancing when there's dancing. And they said, you can't say that.

Because, you know, it's a BBC programme, it's disrespectful. I said, I love Strictly Come Dancing, it's only those bits. You know, it's like licorice also. It's only the all-black cylinder I don't like. I love the others. Oh, really? Yeah, but they wouldn't let me do it, so. So did you think to yourself, fine, I will take this to commercial radio?

Yeah. But you know what I mean? You don't have to love every part of the show, surely? No. Some might see that as an essential ingredient. The dancing. Did you see... I don't want to take us back to reality TV,

but I'm going to. Did you see Russell Grant's interview on Strictly Come Dancing? No. Don't give me that look, Alan. No, I like Strictly, I'm all right with St you see Russell Grant's interview on Strictly Come Dancing? No. Don't give me that look, Alan. No, I like Strictly. I'm all right with Strictly. Oh, OK. He said, oh, so many people have come up and spoke to me just lately.

He said, I'd just like to thank this programme for putting me back in contact with the people. It was one of the best expressions of someone whose career has gone down the toilet and come back again i've ever heard in my life he said it as if he just he'd lost the public's phone number and now got it for putting me back in cut down russell i could have cried on his behalf instead i chose to laugh that's the kind of person i am i don't feel proud about that frank there's been some royal news this week.

Royal news. I might sound a bit like Sandy Warman, I say that. But you don't sound that good. Who does? She's got the best news voice ever. She really has. Ever. Now, there's this book, and it's exposing secrets of royal life.

When I say secrets, it's not sort of, you know, under-the-covers secrets. No. It's more little details which I like. Like, Prince Charles has his shoelaces ironed. I'd love to know that. I respect him for that because I've gone a bit sloppy on the shoelaces front. I'll buy them, they're in the shoes, I just leave them in there, you know.

And I never take them out and give them a once of. And he doesn't tie them up himself, does he? No. I'll tell you what I don't like. You know, you buy shoes from a shoe shop and there's a sort of lace in now. It's a sort of... It sort of goes in rather than... It's like ingrowing shoelaces.

Right. Do you know what I mean? They've sort of threaded through. So everything's going inward so you can hardly get the... It's a hidden lattice effect. Yeah, it's like unpicking a recently stitched wound. I... I... Oh, they are so...

We'll come back to the royals, I think. Yeah. Absolute Radio with Frank Skimmer. So, Frank, we were talking about the royal family. You were? Yeah, I was. Okay. And we were talking specifically about...

There's secrets come out about them. My idea of exciting secrets, which is Prince Charles has his shoelace signed. He needs to just get some Velcro ones like my little boys. But as the Calcrow is saying, he doesn't put his shoes on. He doesn't undress himself, it says. It says he has three men to undress him. Yeah, join the club.

Is that all right? He just stands like that sort of thing. I know, he won't raise it at all. They had to cut the whole thing off him with garden shears. I also read Prince Philip is considered amongst the staff. He's the most highly rated of all the royals. Oh, I like that, that they have a league of shame for the best royals to work for.

But do you know why that was? Because he turned up himself to his chauffeur's funeral and didn't send a representative that's nice yeah that is that i must say that is that that is the height of sentimentality well i'll tell you what i always send a representative to a funeral when my last chauffeur died i just sent a card did you i didn't like him much no i know what you mean i like the fact that the uh i was glad to see the back of him and actually i only ever saw the back of him

it's funny you should say that because the is it the duke of wessex or i don't i don't know what used to be prince edward yes exactly what used to be prince the earl of wessex i don't know they did this thing like they call sophie wessex and something they take like eric morcombe is what it's like or david essex. Yeah. Like, William Wales. I would be Alan Glasgow if that was the case, if it was done according to his birthplace. Yeah. Anyway.

I'd be Wes Bromwich. The Earl of Wessex, EOW, he insists that the chauffeur faces forward at all times. Well, I have heard that. That's drunk on power, like that's uh you could go a step further and just insist that he wears a neck brace and blinkers couldn't it yeah but i mean it's a bit scary must be a bit scary at junctions can i just look a little bit no no straight gone let's risk it. One day I'll say, have you got a mirror in there, you sneaky?

No, sir, we have to... Oh. And I like... When the royals want to get rid of you, did you read that as well? Apparently, they have a little system. They have a little code with the butler. I thought they called it beheading.

No. No, but in fact, they have a system and the butler comes in and says, I believe your car has arrived, madam. They've signalled in some way. But you see, you didn't have that prince. Charles just said, I'm off to bed, and wandered up the stairs when you met him. He did, yeah.

Yeah, he actually just walked up to bed. He said, you don't fancy helping me off with these tweeds? He said, would you mind helping me recede the tweed? I said, get off me. When Diana said there's three people in this marriage, she didn't mean, she meant these three blokes that come in and undress him in the night. Yeah, and apparently he just sleeps

in a navel tunic, nothing else. A navel tunic? Yeah, just like Donald Duck. Alright. Just wears a small navel tunic to the waist. I like the thing that they've got a pool there, and if the staff are swimming in it, tunic to the waist. I like the thing that they've got a pool there and if the staff are swimming in it, they have to get out if a royal wants to swim.

And if they want to swim and a royal's already in there, then they can't go in unless they're invited. I just think that's a bit sad, really, isn't it? If you're the royal family and you've got a swimming pool, why not have a rule that if you want to swim, all of the staff have to also have a swim, and they have to bring in a beach ball and put a wave machine on. They could have some actual fun with it, couldn't they?

Go a bit Playboy Mansion. Yeah, I would say all the staff had to put snorkels on, stand on the bottom of the pool, and just pass me up and down doing lengths, so I don't need to swim at all. You could have a bit of fun with it, couldn't you? Yeah, you could. I'd love to find out that the three people who undressed him

was Rod, Jane and Freddie. Frank! Frank! Frank! Skimmer! Frank Skimmer! Absolute Radio! Frank, we've had some texts in. Good. Yes. We've had extraordinary text from 508.

Morning, Frank. I met you in a bar in Majorca seven years ago at four in the morning. Four in the morning. You were with your friend who had been to prison. Prison? This is from Mr Spy Genius, although you knew me as Matt. P.S. Off to see Alice tonight at Alley Pally. I'd like to have seen Alice,

but it's a late kick-off at West Bromwich, I'll never make it back. Who's this friend who'd been to... David Baddiel? Well, yeah, I'm a bit confused about this, because I've... Where was he at? This was in a bar in Majorca.

OK. At four in the morning. Al-Chudia. Al-Sudia. Al-Sudia? Al-Sudia? Al-Sudia. Oh, dear. Aren't they a well-known terrorist organisation?

I've never been to Mallorca in my life, which is one of the problems here. That is definitely one. I'm not saying that this didn't happen, but it didn't happen there. Have I got friends who've been to prison? Probably. Yes, you have.

Oh. Frank, you see, this is interesting. Stephen Fry, obviously. He's a big mate of mine. Your cellmates. We arm wrestle professionally as a tag team. Frank, but it's interesting that this guy's done this because he sounds fairly definite that this was you.

And I actually had a cabbie yesterday. Oh, could it have been Johnny from X Factor? Because I'm getting a bit fed up with this. You know, the confusion is getting... It's plaguing you, isn't it? It is. My cabbie yesterday, lovely guy, Dazza, ex-fireman, he said we were talking about...

He was talking about Ben Elton and he said, yeah, because he's... Ex-fireman, I bet he's good at pool. Oh, he's quite nice looking, actually. Really? He said, Ben Elton, yeah, he's David Baddiel's father. No, he's not, Dazza. That's a showbiz secret, which I don't know if you should have read that. I said, I don't think he is.

I think he is, isn't he? I don't think he is. I think he is, isn't he? I don't think he is. He seemed convinced. No, you couldn't have mentioned it. I think he is. Ben Elton is his father. Yeah. Do you think this is like a modern version of everyone thinking that Stan Laurel was Clint Eastwood's father?

Yeah. It is, yeah. It's an urban myth. That's what that is. We've had another text in. Emily, are you going as Phil Spector to the Halloween party that would be good because you could

whip out a revolver at any point and everyone would be face down on the floor which is my kind of party might I say Frank we've had a text in and the subject line is Valhalla now I always like a text with the subject line Valhalla

yeah I was saying that there's a woman I knew who was a bit terrifying and she was called Val and I remembered her name because Valhalla was hell but I was wrong was I? au contraire my friend Peter Rind who I very much like the sound of, says... I bet he brings home the bacon. Yeah. Sorry, Peter, I know you've heard that one before,

but not everyone has. It's spelt in a more sort of Germanic way. OK. Valhalla is not a form of hell, but heaven. If a Norse warrior dies in battle, he goes to a hall filled with food, drink and large-breasted women. Oh, it's the Absolute Radio. Not bad, really.

Well, fruit, drink and... Well, I've been a terrible fool of myself. All those years I read in Thor comics and I thought Valhalla was hell. Turns out it's heaven. I'm stunned. No wonder I couldn't remember Val's name. She was completely out of place in Paradise.

Oh, well. What else? I was going to ask you what we thought of the week's T-shirt slogans. I don't know if you saw that there was quite a lot of T-shirt slogans. Mario Balotelli, when he scored his goal against Manchester United, he lifted his shirt up to say, Why always me? I don't know if you're aware that the previous day the fireman had been called to his house

because he'd nearly burned his bathroom down. Oh, there was an incident. Although apparently it might not have been him, it was his brother and his mates mucking around and stuff. But why always me I really liked, just because of the... I like how concise a sentence it is. It's almost like philosophy, isn't it?

Why always me? Yeah, I don't know if it applies to arsonists. I certainly couldn't be an arsonist on his own house. If you set fire to your house, I think it's a bit, why always me? Why bring that up?

The thing I like about it is the sort of mystery. Does he mean why always me that scores goals? Or why always me that's goals or why always me no i think he was because he's a bit of a bad lad isn't it oh he's a bad lad oh well i liked it because when they asked him about it afterwards at some press conference he said i want to move on and focus on my family and my girlfriends which i thought was a brilliantly dignified statement he's a mormon he is like a sort of a walking example of how young men might go a bit mad

if you give them loads of money. He's 21. To be fair to him, he's filmed a firework safety campaign this week. Good on him. Respect to him. I thought he was actually quite a nice bloke. And he's apparently said, oh, it was the kit man's idea. The kit man said, wear a T-shirt with why always me.

Blame the kit man. I think the rest of the Man City team might have been wearing T-shirts saying, I'm with stupid, and he just didn't know. But it did get me to thinking, what do we think of T-shirts? The OC was wearing one of those. You know those Muhammad Ali ones everyone's wearing now with Muhammad Ali's name written on a curve on the chest?

The OC had one of those when I was interviewed the other day. I've not seen that, no. Made my David Haye T-shirt look a bit... ..slightly tragic. Well, I was walking in the street the other day... I feel like I should be playing three-quarter accompaniment to this. I saw an incredibly camp man. I mean, incredibly camp. So camp.

Did he look a bit like me? Was he filming Yorkshireshire dales yeah yeah he was possibly the campus man i've ever seen and he was wearing a singlet that had the uh slogan on it i think he's gay and an arrow pointing to one side oh that's good which i really liked i found it very funny because it was so obvious that he was. And I thought you have to be quite... No, honestly. Honestly. He was so camp.

It was unbelievable. I've got one that says, my girlfriend went to Ibiza and disappeared after a dispute with a local donkey hire firm. The police have done their best, but... And then dot, dot, dot. Anyway, what else?

Oh, Imogen. Oh, Imogen, she had one as well. Did you see her? Imogen, Ryan Giggs, Imogen. Well, she got the words the wrong way round, I think. Well, hers said, moving out, moving in, moving on. Surely you've got to move in before you move out. She's got that, she's all confused. She's not the brightest. Moving in on a

boyfriend near you, is what it should have said. What about that? She should have gone for moving on up or something. Frank's got quite strong views on Imogen Thomas. Yes, I don't like the disruption of premiership football. Whenever. I see her as like a bad winter in that respect. I'm not a fan of a slogan T-shirt, to be honest. I was nice.

Over 30. Over 30? N-O-T, not over 30. I don don't know i think it's a bit undignified when i hit 50 i started wearing one with my blood group on it i thought that was a good idea but we should maybe get some merchandise ones with catchphrases of the show like is that peter the wild or peter the rhymed peter the right peter the Wild or Frank Skinner he's worked with them all you know on the Welsh theme by the way from Imogen

I have worked with them all, I worked with Gabby Logan last week or was it the week before and she was talking to Greg Wallace you know him from Masterchef and they were talking about the upcoming rugby semi-final with Wales Wales and whoever it was

they were playing and France wasn't it? and she said oh yeah she said I'm desperately looking for an excuse you know to support Wales to justify supporting Wales in this game and he said well your dad's from Wales isn't he?

and she said yeah oh I know from Wales? And she said, yeah. Oh, I know you represented Wales in the Commonwealth Games. I said, hold on! That's a fair reason, isn't it? Definitely. Gives you a certain involvement, doesn't it? Lovely. Anyway, Not The Weekend podcast,

our other show thing, only available online, is available from Wednesday. Mark Crossley is up next it's been beautiful talking to you all as ever and if the good Lord's willing and the creaks don't rise we'll be back actually will it be at this time next week

it'll be like this time next week minus an hour what about that what a bit of a mind bender ta- what a bit of a mind bender ta-ra a bit Absolute Radio with Frank Skinner