The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Happy New Year

Episode Date: January 4, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. It's the first show of 2014 and Frank returns with Emily and Alun. As well catching up about what they have been up to over the festive season they discuss the New Year's Honours List, 2013's Best Dressed Man and what they like to boast about.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You know what? You can text us on 81215, just like the old times. Or you can follow us on Twitter at Frank on the Radio, or you can email us directly through the Absolute Radio website. Those are the three main sources for communicating with us. Try one.

Morning everyone. Morning Frank. How are you? Alright. Welcome back. Thanks. Sounded a bit ominous. Didn't it? A lot I'm going to say in the year 2014 is going to have an ominous tone. That's my plan.

That's the New Year's resolution? Yeah, last year... More ominosity? Last year I went for the sleep and I was roundly mocked for it. Did you do it? Did you see it through the extra sleep? I think I had probably three good sleeps in the whole year. God, that's not good, is it? It's probably all right.

Unless one was for 120 days, another one, etc. Fill them in yourselves. Yeah, a remark I wasn't prepared to go to the actual end of. I think you have to size them up early on, remarks, whether they're worth completing or not. Yeah, that was very much a dot, dot, dot, I think we all... That was my feeling on that. Maybe just the whole show like that.

I just go to the radio, dot, dot, dot, and then just play music. Like I'm magic. I think they do speak, but it sort of sounds like dot, dot, dot, by the time I've translated it. I'm loving all these tweets we've come back to and texts and all sorts. Are there? Carol Smiley got in touch with the show, I've just noticed. No.

You are having a laugh. I'm not. I've lost it now, I'm afraid. But was Jackie Carlin... Was that what she said? God, she's a... Tell her what her New Year's resolution is. Brutal honesty.

Good on you, Carol. She was referring, Frank, to the fact that you were both in a magazine. I had the cutting this morning because my driver gave it to me. Oh, of course. We are forever yoked in, how can I put it, posterior beauty. Carol Smiley cheers Frank on the radio for digging up rear of the year pick in today's, and then she mentions the magazine. I won't give them the publicity.

Oh, lovely. Nearly spat out my cornflakes, she says. Oh, Carol. Your posterior looks good, Frank. Well, so does Carol's. Well, I wasn't suggesting hers did. It looks lovely, but you really... I saw you in a whole different light.

Yeah. Well, I'm... When I got to 50, I decided it was time to finally unclench. Since then. It actually moves in the wind now, I find. You know when I'm wearing a thong on the beach? It's actually wind-affected now, my behind. A little bit of a collapsed mind shock.

We thought you had jodhpurs on in the picture. No, no, what I did is I was prepared to lower my trousers to give a better view. Carol, quite rightly. Yeah. Less so. Yeah, she wasn't going to go that far, I don't think. But I was wearing long johns, you see, underneath, in preparation.

Carol, I imagine, was wearing some sort of skimpy thong thing. So I can see her reticence. Yeah. Well, I could from where I was standing. No, happy days. That's really Carol Smiley. It is. It's her account. I've checked. It's verified. Is that, that's really Carol Smiley? It is, it's her account. I've checked, it's verified.

What a lovely one. Massive, big love to Carol Smiley and, uh, and how lovely to get in touch. Um, have we said happy new year? Um. Shall we? Yeah, shall we? Or not? Yeah, go on.

It's a bit of a cliché. Isn't that a cliché? Happy new year, everyone. I like to keep it going for a while. That sounded awful. Yeah, Happy New Year. I couldn't work out when I could start. I haven't said it to anyone. I think you wait till it's the new year. It's not the way I roll.

You see, I was doing it around about the 28th. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Were you using the prefix have a happy new year? I think I probably was, yeah. I like it because i don't have to make arrangements to see people i can say see you see you in 2014 it could be next december have you done the uh i'll see you next year joe no everyone does that yeah okay you know when you

go to bed i know you say yeah i'll see you uh oh yeah it's only works obviously for people like me to go to bed before midnight, I think. I was going to say, quite a limited audience for that joke. Only people in your house. Yes.

Well, you say that. I went to bed before New Year's, before the bells, as they say. I went... Oh, rock and roll, right. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Frank, we had a little compliment this morning. Did we? On, uh, at Frank on the radio. Hang on, would you rather do that than me talk for longer about how I went to bed before the bells on New Year's Eve? I thought that was a cliffhanger that we played a track on. Before your bottle of bells. Um, at, uh, Bruce Almighty, he says, uh, getting the first Saturday of 2014 off to a flying start with Frank Skinner

et al on Absolute Radio, quickly hilarious now I like that but then I don't like this which is an amendment some three minutes later he says, I meant quirkily, not quickly by the way you see quickly

I thought that's great, we've hit the ground running. We were hilarious just like that. But quirkily hilarious is, you know, kind of hilarious if you're in the mood for it. If you're in one of those weird moods. Yeah. But still, you know, I'll take what I can at this stage. Like the small sparrow scours the snow for breadcrumbs. Not that there's a lot of snow.

I don't know about you, but I think it's been looking a bit overcast just lately. Hang on, are we talking about the weather instead of my bedtime? My bedtime got bombed. Tell us about your bedtime. Tell us about your bedtime. What time did you go to bed? Well, I think we went at about half ten, eleven. We?

You know I've got a wife, don't you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, they closed the barnyard down. then i i overheard ten i heard i overheard mrs cockerel talking to the uh in-laws and they went to bed at ten to midnight now that seems pointed doesn't it who does that why would you do that that's when you just can't face jules holl Stay up for the bells if it's near. There's one band on. There's one band on you really want to see. And when it gets there, you think,

no, I can't. Can't do it. Sorry. Haven't got the chops for it. That's weird, I think. I went to bed at 3.45, of which more later. Legend. Blimey.

That's a bit early. So go on. 3.45 on New Year's Day. Yeah. That's day yeah that's brilliant congratulations thank you very much yeah um what about anyway let's not let's not go before our horse to market yeah what about christmas true i think it's all right can i tell you something that happened to me at christmas which is a bit dramatic. Go on. Well, here goes. Oh, I didn't like that noise. Okay, just for the record, I don't want to hear that sound ever again. I was getting all excited about Christmas.

I should say to listeners, you might not know, I've had an enormous lizard tongue grafting onto my ordinary tongue. No, can I tell you what it is? He's so excited. In preparation for the flying festations of summer. Is this going to be a story about mince pies, and that was your mouth watering? Just tell the story.

Okay, I was in I was in Cheltenham. I was in Cheltenham visiting my girlfriend's mother. Oh yeah. I was with my girlfriend and family. I wasn't just visiting her on the QT. That's what you think. Or that girlfriend.

Ah, yeah. And I went to the local church. Lovely old, beautiful church. Oh, they've got lovely ones around that part of the world. Yeah, haven't they? Yeah. And I took my son in there, and I was with my girlfriend, Kath,

and her sister, Rachel, and her new husband, Jack. We were all in there. Lovely. But there was no one else. The church was deserted. We just went in for a look. And there was a massive nativity scene, as you might expect at that time of the year.

Yeah. Big figures. What size are we talking? I'd say they were a good foot. Say a foot high for a... I'm on about king without crown. OK. One of the big chess pieces that you see in the streets sometimes. Really big.

I'm going cranky. Quite big, yeah, possibly. And so I was with my son, who's new listeners. He's called Boz. That's the name, site sound that a b makes b-u-double-z and he um he was uh he he was he reached out now i thought there was a glass panel at the front there wasn't and he pushed he pushed one of the shepherds on the shoulder the shepherd went out he went over oh my god did he fell over exactly he fell over but the thing was

that um you know when you get these things in the paper when someone's killed someone in the street and they say well i only just shoved him but you know he hit his head on the curb it wasn't my fault well he hit his head on um on what was one of the cattle representatives and it snapped completely off his head he decapitated the shepherd in a big really central beautifully lit nativity scene in an ornate old church so i thought right what um how do i play this yeah so i thought uh i tried what i tried the head to see if it would sit but it had broken at such an angle when you said I tried the head to see if it would sit, but it had broken at such an angle. When you said you tried the head, had you clambered over into the hay? I could reach.

If I reached forward, I could reach the head. But it wouldn't, the weight had broken, it had broken, so it wouldn't sit. It wouldn't just sit. And I also thought to just sit the head there would be wrong, because some choir boy would be viciously caned for having broken that shepherd further down the line. Yeah. And so I had some decisions to make.

And as this is commercial radio, I'm going to let you know what they are after this break. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You're in the church. I might listen to that. Oh, Jacob Marley. That's your hip, isn't it? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

You're in the church. I might listen to that. Oh, Jacob Marley. That's your hip, isn't it? No, that's Captain Ahab doing his rounds. He always does it this time of the night, looking for the big white one. I'm here.

So, you're in the church. Yeah, so... The head's come off. So, the head's come off. So the head's come off. I couldn't get it back on. So I thought, you know, part of me thought, it's not a Catholic church, does it really matter? And then I thought, no, come on.

So I went to the vicarage. I love the way you think. Yeah, I knocked on the door of the vicarage. Did you? Yeah. You didn't? I went to confess, as it were. Ironically enough. Yeah. See if you don't do that. No answer. Well, that's what I mean, they don't do that.

Yeah. So, I thought, I don't know. So, by now, it's just me and my brother-in-law. Yeah. Because the others have forsaken us. The, uh, the culprit has scarpered, yeah? Yeah, he's gone. Um, he didn't seem that bothered. No. So, um, I went to, uh, a local supermarket and bought superglue. No. Yeah. As opposed to Blu-Tack. Yeah, as opposed to Blu-Tack. I'd never used superglue before, I realise. It's something, you know. Strong stuff, innit? You, it, I imagine it. Well, Iue before, I realise. It's something, you know. Strong stuff, isn't it? I imagine it. Well, I was hoping so. Yeah. It's got to hold the head of a mighty shepherd.

Oh, I'm always using superglue. Mm. Oh, the rogue heel will come off, you see, so women, women are more used to it. I've never used it before. Yeah. Can you believe that? I'm a prick, man. Pardon?

So, um, I think, yeah. Oh, did I tell you that's my new year's resolution so um absolutely awful so uh i we went back in by now it felt like a commando operation the church was still empty we went over there lay the head in the straw drawer and uh we um i got the glue out slapped it on it dribbled a bit i have to say which i wasn't i was but i was frightened to touch it because you know he's thought about super glue about people getting glued to toilet seats i'm trying to know where to spend how much did you use you must have used a fair well i just i just slammed the whole tube and i thought so it ran a bit down the front, gave you the sort of what I would call Joan Collins throat. But, and so I left it.

So I left, no one knew. Please tell me you fixed it back in the right place. It wasn't an all back to front or a bit ski whiff. Oh no, it wasn't. Like a little hangman. It wasn't like some terrible experiment. No, no. It wasn't like the mouse's ear.

No. No, no. It looked all right, apart from a bit of dribblage at the thorax. Oh, that's good. So no-one will know. Dribblege at the thorax, of course, is my new themed evening that I'm doing

at the thorax pub in... I thought that was Joan Collins' autobiography. Yes. So the good thing is, Frank, you're just answerable to God and yourself now. Yes. If no-one else saw it. Well, does it matter?

Have I done anything wrong? I've included it back on. Hang on, is this a parable? Is this like a tree falling in the woods? Oh, that's not a parable, is it? No. Can be, if you want it to. Can it?

Yeah. It would have been handy if the shepherd had just been wearing a scarf. You could have just tied the head back on. It would have been handy if there'd been more than two shepherds. Spare shepherds. Because I could have thought I'd take one. I'd just take that whole shepherd away with me.

But one shepherd's turned up. But the rest were angels appeared to you. And only one of you could be bothered to turn up. Rubbish. So, yeah, I can't work out whether I've done right or wrong. No, I think it sounds all right. It's almost like, yeah, it never happened. You mended your broken ways, didn't you?

I took my son to church on Sunday morning. Oh, did he like it? To mass. Did he confess? To a proper church. Did he confess that he'd smashed up another church? What is he doing in you in these churches? It's like football teams or something.

I tell you what he does do. At the end of every hymn, he goes, Whee! Which is not normal. Isn't it? No. Oh, right. That's what the Pope does.

Does he? Yeah. Oh, God, he's very down to earth. Very. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, earth very Skinner Dean and Cochran together the Frank Skinner Show

Absolute Radio I think we should talk about the New Year's Honours list that's a bit like when the A-level results are posted up on the board well it is to me

I think you'll find that the A-level results are based on merit that's the big I feel a bit sorry for the people that do the New Year's Honours list now they really are sitting around in a room going

erm Charlie Dimmett oh well done if we get away with that one it's really like you know it's like the 17th series of a panel show. Who's left? Who haven't we booked? There were some right bizarros in there this year. I bet there is a man who sits at the circular table with a laptop going,

dead. What about dead? Do you think they she would just go, dead, dead, arrested, dead, dead. Yeah, exactly. Currently... Same thing in showbiz terms. So, Penelope Keith.

Yeah. Now, I like her. She got made a dame, I think, didn't she? That was nothing like a dame. That was, I think, lost in the post, that one, wasn't it? Was it? Should that have happened in, like, 1978? Yes, maybe.

I have based my entire personality on her, so I can't really knock her. No, I mean, I love her, but I'm surprised it hasn't happened before, if it was going to happen. Karen Brady, two R's. I don't like two R's. It's a bit relative of Shannon Matthews. Can I say that? It was OK in the end, we can say that. No, no R's. I don't like two R's. It's a bit relative of Shannon Matthews.

Can I say that? It was okay in the end. We can say that. I don't know. Yes. Happy end. I don't know about a happy ending. I might be pushing it.

But, you know, it was all right in the end. But two R's in the name I don't like. However, at least she's done something. Perfect woman. Yeah, exactly. We've got a few more. Sandy Toksvig. Happy about that. Yeah, I don't have a a few more. Sandy Toksvig, happy about that.

Yeah, I don't have a problem with that. Royal Wayscope to the Palace, Simon Rattle. Pete Tongue. Pete Tongue is an interesting choice, isn't he? I reckon that someone said, oh, you know, no, no, it's all going to be... After three deads from the man on the Google, they said it's all going to be Pete Tongue. And from the man on the Google, they said it's all going to be Pete Tong.

And someone said, hey, hold on, what about Pete Tong? I said, are you kidding? Yeah, come on. Come on, then we'll do it. That was a joke. I didn't mean it. No, no, Pete Tong. I've written it down now.

Can you imagine the poor queen having to meet Pete Tong? This doesn't seem right. Imagine the comic scene when Pete Tong was told that he was being offered, he's been in the dance music scene for 20 years, Pete you've been offered an MBE I don't think I've tried that everything's got initials now I like that Michael Crawford got one

Frank Spencer, if he didn't say ooh Betty, I don't want to know him, what's the queen? if he didn't say ooh Betty I don't want anything to do with him. I don't know if he'd get away with it. Imagine he'll go in and trip over the sword and pull her over. Oh, yeah.

Both of them will end up in a shopping trolley going down the mall. I'd love it if he turned up with a beret and a mac. Yeah, I don't think he... He doesn't really play up that anymore, does he? No, he's done away with that character. Whereas Angela Lansbury seems quite happy to talk about murder, she wrote. Yeah.

So did the comma there. See, Angela Lansbury, if I'm not mistaken... Yeah. ..used to be a very... What they used to call in my youth a sexy bird. Oh, was she? Right. She was in...

There's a Judy Garland film in which she plays as sort of one of those saloon girls. And she's hot to trot, if I may say. So, of course, she didn't get an award for that. No. She got it from playing some old interfering spinster. Interfering? And then the other...

She was solving those crimes. It's a very fine line, isn't it? Of course, there was one New Year's honour, which we haven't mentioned yet, Frank. And then the other... She was solving those crimes. It's a very fine line, isn't it? Of course, there was one New Year's honour, which we haven't mentioned yet, Frank. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. We were talking about the honours there in the break. Daisy, producer, just went,

yeah, what about Kevin MacDonald? Kevin MacDonald? She made Kevin MacLeod. The Grand Designs one. That's another bit of a Pete Tong, bit of a strange one. producer just went yeah what about kevin mcdonald kevin mcdonald she made kevin mcleod the grand designs one that's another bit of a pete tong bit of a strange what did he get um best man that'll be the best man there's a wedding on in the old pinning radio times they do three of those pinning radio times pin in sports personality of the year. Pin in Google Maps by the sound of it. We should say that a great many of the honours we don't hear about because they're people who deserve them. They're always sub-postmistresses on obscure Scottish islands.

Some of those women have got seven or eight. They get an honour every year. That's good, you know. We had a few tweets over the festive period regarding this. We had Annie QPR said Catherine Jenkins gets awarded

in the New Year's honours list. Speak of the devil. And Atmanda pointed out hasn't Frank done more for our country than Catherine Jenkins? Hashtag Sir Frank. She started a hashtag. That's going gonna linger for a few years before anything uh so they give up the readers are very keen to know frank what you think of this award katherine jenkins so k jen has got

uh an obe yeah well you know better the devil you know i'd say. I was a bit... She's typical honours material, though, isn't she? I bet she's sung at the palace a lot. Sometimes it's people they know, you see. And the Queen will say, oh, there's someone else I know. Of the six people I know in the world, Catherine Jenkins is just on that list. She should just go a step further and just give

like Charles one, maybe Prince George. They've probably got him, haven't they? You're right, because the Three Degrees always seem to get things like that. Because Charles was a fan of the Three Degrees. Yeah, exactly. Why wouldn't you be? Duran Duran, because Diana... Lady Di. Yeah.

But you know, she was in Doctor Who once. Actually, I think there was three doctor who representatives nicholas parsons played a troubled vicar did he and uh you view the world and linda bellingham linda bellingham was like a sort of grand inquisitor to the uh can i ask you a question so you does that change your opinion of people for the positive if you know they've been in doctor who well i mean i still think that um katherine jenkins is lucifer's representative on earth but i but at least she's lucifer lucifer's representative on earth that's been in doctor who um you know so that to me it takes take turns the heat down a little if so to speak okay

i have to say i thought that um katherine jenkins was slightly sledging you in an interview because she said oh i can't believe that i've got this honor for my work in show business and charity after having only been doing that for a decade and it felt a bit like yeah frank skin has been going what a quarter of a century or something and he's not here. Yes, but, you know, I think the prize is for people who choose to do their charitable deeds publicly. Right. Goodnight.

Right back at you. Right back at you. You know who was left off the honours list that I always feel should be on it? Bex. Honor Blackman. Honor Blackman. Surely, New Year honours list. Honor Blackman. Honor Blackman. Surely. New Year honors list. Honor.

Honor Blackman. Oh, yeah. I think she might have turned one down. Did she? Which must have really infuriated the palace. It's about time. She's called on us. She'd be great.

I love it when they turn them down. You know, she was my first crush. Oh. Well, Miss Page, actually, was my first crush, but you wouldn't know her. She was my first teacher. And my first celebrity crush was Honor Blackman. I thought Miss Page was a character that Honor Blackman had played years ago.

No, no, no. No, exactly. Didn't Danny Boyle tell him? Yeah, before she played Pussy Galore, she played a librarian. Miss Page. Page Turner. It would have been a good hyphenated... What did you do?

Hyphenated surname. Page Turner for an author. That'd be fantastic. Make a note of that, will you? Yeah. This is Frank Skinner of Sniff Radio. I tell you what, shall we have a little wander down to EMC? Email Corner wander down to EMC.

Email Corner! That's your honour. You've got an EMC. Yeah. Sustained. I never noticed a sustained rolled R at the end of it. You know rolled R, big friendly joint. Email Corner! It's all stuff to discover. It's like a at the end of it. You know Roald Dahl, big friendly giant. Good writer. In a corner. It's all stuff to discover. It's like a fine

novel. Read it again, there's fine new stuff in it. Yeah. It's one of those jingles. It's the jingle that keeps on giving. Carry on, Alan. Dear Frank, Emily and Alan, further to recent missives from readers, reuse of the arm in queue when dressing young children, indeed.

Yes, we should set this up. When you dress a young child, you have to tell them to put their arms in the sleeves, or they just look at you. You've got... Someone suggested that they used arm in myvers, the German cannibal. Which we thought was wholly... As their catchphrase. Understandable.

To be encouraged. And then someone else used another armin. I can't remember who that was. I can't remember that one. Idi Armin? Might have been, yeah. Yes, very good. Yes, it was.

That's the only time anyone's ever said Idi Armin. Very good. Yeah. Very good man. The email continues. If they bowled with him. Maybe if they were bowling with him You know he's a very good temping bowler

He applied for a visa To move to America On the strength of becoming a professional temping bowler Are you making this up? No I swear that's true I never know I was one of his stories about when my mum was a cleaner At Ian Fleming's house

Is this one of your improvisations? No believe me When I was mayor of Watford. Believe me. He made two applications for an American visa. One for that, for his professional bowling. And the other one to go to

Disneyland. He didn't. Well, check it. Check it out. Check it. Dead. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. We've done the honours. Dead. We've done them now. Is Idi Amin dead?

Is that today's texting? You know I like to set up a texting at some point during the show. Is Idi Amin dead? Yes, he is. Yes. Okay. You look like you're really puzzling. Is he dead?

Yes. You're the expert on him. You know about him being into ten pin bowling. Yes, he is dead. Why would I tell you about him? I know about him. We'd see much more of him. I'm talking about Idi Amin, the golden years.

I haven't followed him into the twilight. The golden years. Shall I read this? Yes. Or are we going to do a whole Idi Amin link? No, no. I opt for Armin Shimmerman. The email has continued.

Sure, I went to school with him. Armin Shimmerman, an American character actor, famous. Really? I'd question that. Famous for roles in Star Trek. That's a typo, Star Trek, which I think is funny. It sounds like the beginning of a long walk. But remember, even the longest walk begins with a single.

Again, I couldn't be bothered. Dot, dot, dot. Not only to suggest the long sentence being completed, but also the walk. Do you see? He's famous for Star Trek, Deep Space Nine and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This is now involved into a little song. He doesn't say what it's sung to the tune of.

But it's to the tune of Nat King Cole's Unforgettable. Armin Shimmerman, that's what you are. I'm not sure it is. Armin Shimmerman from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Okay, carry on. It says Armin Shimmerman, Armin Shimmerman, Armin Shimmerman, Armin Shimmer, Shimmer, Shimmer, Shimmerman.

That is all. OK. That's how the email finishes. I wonder who will never know the tune to that again. Anything that gets their arms in. I mean, I would like to know... Oh, it's Chris. Speaking of dressing children,

how old do you get before you absolutely trust the fact that your head is going to emerge through the neck of a t-shirt and don't have the panic that it hasn't come at you? I'm hoping it's in the 40s. It's not reached for me yet. You still get it. Oh, I still panic a bit.

I find that weird buzzer. Now it's coming. It will come through. I have to place a little insight into my getting ready procedures here. I have to place a T-shirt, a secondary garment, over my face often to not get make-up on the exterior garment. Something you learn in the fashion trade. It's what they do.

So you put a T-shirt over your head? An old T-shirt over my entire head and face. And then place the garment over. I've learnt that from stylists. Feel free to use that tip. That is sensational. I would never have... Because occasionally I have to wear make-up for my work.

Yeah. And that's really handy. OK. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why not text us?

Have you thought about that as a possibility? Text us on 81215. Or you can follow us on Twitter, Frank on the Radio. Or maybe email the show to the Absolute Radio website. It's the sort of method approach I've taken. I'm still reeling from the shock of you just saying to me, do you know who Matt Busby is? Like I'm some Big Brother

contestant or something. I'm just trying to be, you know, just trying to bring you in in case you didn't want to. Of course I do. As I said, I'm a polymath. OK. We need to go over to... Well, do we go back to Email Corner? Well, actually, we're still there officially.

I think I need to credit that last email. It was from Chris, who I suspect is Armin Shimmerman's agent in show business. It's a puff piece, this whole thing. Armin Shimmerman has an... Armin Shimmerman. I. Armin Shimmerman. I'm imagining it to the tune of Bitter. There was a song called I Eat Cannibals in the 80s by a band called Toto Coelho.

That'd be a bit of a coincidence. This is Armin and I Eat Cannibals. Yeah. We've gone through the Mivers ceiling. We have. OK, this is from Paul. Dear FEC, Re people complaining that frank talks too much about doctor who yes i did um i did say we wouldn't mention doctor who again on the show

because people had complained that we thought about it too much it was the anniversary year it was no it isn't it's even harder to justify but carry on well there's been a lot going on even harder to justify but carry on well there's been a lot going on um well you say a lot not as much as you might uh think i i was i went to a screening can i tell you you're gonna do it no but listen i went to a screening of the christmas special um a couple of weeks before it went out at the bfi and uh i said to kath you know, do you mind if I go? Because then we won't have to watch it at Christmas so you've got that as a bonus. And she said, oh, OK then.

And then she said to me the next day, I had a look at the BFI website, there was no screening. And I thought, this is the old affair accusation. There's no getting round it. Well, you caught, and now you're telling us the story live on air. No. What it was, because it was a bit of a secret screening,

because it was mainly for MPs, and I was only invited... I respect her for checking, though. I would have done exactly the same. Really? Yes. 100%. Well done, Cass. Good work. Luckily, I arrived with evidence, which you won't be able to see on air, but luckily I had that with me.

One of the most depressing photographs I've ever seen. It's a picture of Frank, sorry, with him, he's been superimposed next to Matt Smith and the pretty lady, Jenna Coleman, who's the doctor's assistant, wears quite short skirts. There you go, lovely. Yes, you see, that was in the after show. You could have your picture superimposed on.

So, of course, I did it. Do you think actually... I had my picture topped with a darling. Do you want to see that as well? No. Do you think actually Cathy was hoping you were having an affair rather than spending your time doing this? Maybe.

I think an affair would have been a wash-up compared to this level of dorkiness. Oh, shut your face. The man who does judo. I think you'll find it's karate. Well, whatever it is, you're supposed to get out of your system when you're 11. True that. Some might say the same of Doctor Who, I realise.

I realise that. Also, Frank. Sorry, anyway, carry on. I would consider you same of Doctor Who, I realise. I realise that. Also, Frank... Sorry, anyway, carry on. I would consider you something of a celebrity. Thank you so much. You are. Something of. Something of a celebrity.

And it saddens me, frankly, that you're posing next to superimposed images of other performers. I don't like you doing that. You never lose the child inside yourself. That's what I'm saying. By the way, speaking of which, I was watching the London News last night on BBC. There was a feature on Peter the Wild.

There's an exhibition at Kensington Ballet. Oh, can we go? In case you don't know, Peter the Wild, to cut the story short, found in the forest, living feral, taken by George I as a pet and forced to wear a leather collar. We've made him popular again. Yes. Famous around the town for staring at bonfires and singing songs with no tune, I think was the name.

And eating raw onions like an apple. Eating raw onions. And yeah, exhibition, that's a works outing, isn't it? Yeah. Can you organise that, Dave? I'm in. Thanks. Okay. Meanwhile. Meanwhile, back at the email. Let's a works out, isn't it? Yeah. Can you organise that, Dave? I'm in. Thanks. OK.

Meanwhile. Meanwhile, back at the email. Let's get back to Paul. I think you're going to get on with him, Frank. I love to hear Frank's who chatter. See? And it is a major reason that I listen to your show. I'm an expat living in France.

There you go. Hold on. One second one second. OK. I consequently realise that I don't have a great deal in common with several of my close friends, other than the fact that we share... Who does?

..that we share a mother tongue. Close friends. Those are the days. Whereas they are lawyers and geologists and they understand sport and property prices. I make my living writing computer games and I understand the difference between phasers and lasers. Excellent. My girlfriend is normal.

Oh. Well, we're kind of everything. And pretty. And likes the type of programmes that normal pretty people watch. She sounds great. What are they exactly? Desperate Housewives or Little House on the Prairie. Little House on the Prairie?

Still on it, just made it in France. She's still completely sighted, the girl. He said she's pretty and normal. He doesn't say she's 87. She will not watch Doctor Who with me. Even when, I like this woman. I know that feeling. Even when dubbed into her native French.

Oh, can you imagine Doctor Who in French? I'd kill myself. Exterminator. Hang on, she's normal. Exterminator. That's amazing. Le docteur. In hearing Frank's boundless Doctor Who-based enthusiasm...

A bit of tardy. You don't want the tardy. What is that? The people that are late for the party? Tardy. The time machine's always a little bit late. I feel I have at last found a kindred soul. Thank you.

Oh, get a room. Get a chambre. That's all lovely. I have one more piece of... Anyway. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Want your frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio.

Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. I am going to stop talking about Doctor Who on the show because I know it doesn't work for some people but just one point. Is that going to be your news resolution? My news resolution is

to just carry on as normal generally in my life. I haven't thought of one, to be honest. Do you want to add the minimising the who on the show? I don't know if it needs a resolution. Sorry, are we still talking about Dr. Hedley?

Yeah. Let me just make this point. Come on, Michael Portillo Who let me just make this point come on Michael Portillo let me just make this absolutely clear as I think I said at the Brighton conference I did a I think we spoke about this on air I did a thing in Edinburgh with Stephen Moffat

who's the showrunner and the main writer on Doctor Who and it was me and him who's the showrunner and the main writer on Doctor Who. The nooky bear hair. Yeah, it was me and him and Fred McCauley, the comedian, on stage. And it was basically me paying homage to the moth. But at one point... Got a bit tense, didn't it? Someone asked who they thought would make a good companion,

a new companion. Now, I won't bore you with this, but there's a character in the show who... I won't bore you with this, but you are. No, I'm not going to. It's called Dorian Mulder, and he had his head severed. He had his head chopped off. God, you wonder why I don't enjoy this. No, that's it, by the Headless Monks.

And then they put his head in a box, but he can still speak, even though he's just a head. Of course he can, it's Doctor Who. Reminiscent of... Do you remember the old joke about the kid that was born and was just a head? And then ten years later, the mother shouts upstairs, Eddie! It's the first joke. It's a double head. No, it's not a double head. It's a single head. And he shouts down, yes, mother.

And she says, I've got your birthday present. And he says, oh, another hat. Anyway, Dorian Moldova's in a box. And I said I thought he'd be a brilliant companion, because he's quite witty and stuff, even though he's just a head. And Stephen Moffat said, oh, I think having a companion who's a severed head would have certain restrictions, and he got a laugh. So Christmas special, who is Matt Smith's companion?

No. The severed head of a Cyberman. No. No. Could be a coincidence, but... Can I just say, I watched that Doctor Who. Okay. Partly out of respect for you.

Thank you. I thought you were my colleague. I watched The Devil Wears Prada for similar reasons. I thought you were my colleague, I watched The Devil Wears Prada for similar reasons. I thought you were my colleague, I'm going to take an interest in your interest. And do you know what? Katherine Jenkins wasn't even in it. I watched it with my mother. OK. So we sat there, we watched it in total silence, and after 20 minutes she went...

That's because silence had fallen. She said, grown men sit and watch this. Yes. I must say I've asked that about a few things I've watched over the years. Then she said, what do they do, these people? Do they just wander around? Don't they have social lives? I like that that was my mum's issue,

was that they didn't have proper social lives. I thought a lot of her old friends were in Doctor Who. Well, they were, but maybe that's the problem. I don't know. And then she said the best thing, which was, I think they like it to look cheap, these people, don't they? I like these people. You're one of these people.

I wouldn't say it looked cheap nowadays, I must say. Well, you know, we're all different, but I think that, is it possible that I added that? I inspired Stephen. I think so, yeah. Because why didn't he say it well, funnily enough? No. I wonder if he wrote it in. and if he listens to this next year the christmas special might have a headless shepherd in there with uh super glue dripping down i'll tell you something there's

been a real decapitation thing today be a nice part for joan collins as well uh what the uh the seven the headless shepherd part with the glue dripping down. Yeah, that's true. Do her make-up. Call her. She'd be near to the phone. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Now, on the... I think people who think that they're constantly being that their ideas are being ripped off are often troubled. Do you? But, having mentioned the severed head, which I'm happy with, I'm happy to help. I was looking at children's books the other day. One of Boz's godparents bought him a book token,

so I was looking at books, and I came across a book called Traction Man. Oh, yeah. Do you know it? Yep. Children's book, and it's a bit of a spoof on Action Man. Yeah. You might not know this, but about 2002,

I was a guest on Room 101. This was when Nick Hancock used to present it. I am the third Doctor. Yeah. You can't help yourself, can you? No, I can't. And anyway, I tried to put in Action Man, not that I didn't think he was a fine toy,

but because my mum, we couldn't really afford the outfits, so my mum used to make them, and she used to knit them. She knitted him a blue cardigan. Oh, so sad. With, like, human being-sized buttons on it, so it looked, I mean, ludicrous. Anyway, in Traction Man, which is written by a woman called Minnie... Do you know her name? Minnie Grey.

Minnie Grey, she's called. Not that you've been deep googling or anything One of the things about Traction Man Innie is that The kid's auntie Knits a knitted thing For him with enormous buttons I mean you know

I could cover the whole incident But come on Okay How much time did you have? That's it That's what he spent his whole Christmas doing Mini plus Grey Come on. OK. What else? How much time did you have? You got that out of your system? That's it. That's what he spent his whole Christmas doing, mini plus grey. What I'm saying is mini grey out of your sleep.

Your episode of Room 101 was funny, though, wasn't it? Thank you. Meat with pipes, I remember you talking about that. Meat with tubes. Tubes, yeah. Funny. But there was a meat pipe thing, wasn't there? There was an instrument that was made.

I think what I said was a beef harmonica. Which sounds rude, but it wasn't. I'm going to call this section of the show performances of yours in the past I've liked. How about the Brits? Now that was a bit below the... Shall we move on? That's a bit below the leather collar.

Well, I think we could move on by me somewhat blowing my own trumpet. Well, that'll be worth seeing. I see that back trouble has recovered. I'll just get my ombre show ready. Was it Michael Flatley or was it a lookalike? Anyway, carry on. You often say that I don't talk myself up enough. That's true.

No. But I've noticed that I do talk myself up about things that are a little bit insignificant. What, like the sitcom thing? Yeah, yeah, the sitcom I'm doing. Oh, Hank! And, well, put it this way, the other day I caught myself boasting that I was the best in the family at making eggs. Making eggs? Cooking eggs.

Even as a cockerel, that would be different. No, cooking eggs. Okay, really? Sorry, I think you mean kooking. Kooking, yeah. In the family, you mean extended family, or just you and Mrs Cockerel? No, I was mainly going immediate family. In the barnyard, yeah.

But yeah, I think I'd probably... So better than Mrs Cockrell is what you're saying? Yeah, essentially. My son said that she's the best cook in the world and I said, not at eggs, I think you'll find that's me in this house. And then thought, this is a bit lame. But she's since then been pointing out that I boast about things that aren't worthy of it.

And one of them is I set the dog treats. When we go out, we put the dog in the cage and we give it a Kong. Do you know what a Kong is? It's a little rubber cone... You're not doing that devil dog training, are you? What's devil dog training? You don't feed them for three days

in case you get an intruder. Oh, no. No, we don't do that. I've seen them pulling and things in the street. I mean, you say it's a whipper. It's probably a Labrador. It's just been kept at starvation level. It's a killing machine, that dog. No, it's a very...

So expensive to feed, Frank. It's a very amenable whipper. I was talking to Kim Jong-un on the other day about it. Anyway. Yeah, my uncle's not coming round, that's for sure. Anyway. He's a nice bloke, Kim Jong-un's not coming round, that's for sure. Anyway. He's a nice bloke, King John. I think his bark is worse than it.

Anyway. I don't think he's that bad. It's a little rubber cone and into it you put dog treats and then the dog has to sort of get them out. So it stimulates the dog. It's called a Kong. Kong, yeah. And when it comes to setting the Kong,

I feel like I am King of the Kong in the house. Are you King Kong? Why don't you just say King Kong? King Kong. I'm king of the Kong. Oh, he won't have offer. He's not as good as King Kong. Why don't you just go King Kong?

All right, I'm King Kong. Dispense with it. I'm King Kong, fine. Dispense with the offer. Do you just, when you say setting, it sounds like a trap or something. Here's what I do. Here's what I do. First of all, I'll put in a chewy dog treat right down into the very end

and then I'll smear like a salmon or a chicken paste, often out of date, but the dog doesn't seem to mind. I don't care. Not at all. And then I'll put in other chewy, about the size of a midget gem, and I'll sort of stick them on the inside of the salmon paste in the cone. Are you meant to do that?

Yeah. This is like the old-fashioned looking old thing. They used to cook a spatchcock inside a turkey. Yeah. and paste in the car yeah then once there's loads of paste I'll stick a couple on the outside as well so in the dog's mind I think it's thinking oh chewy midget gem treats oh now paste treats the midget gems must have stopped oh now there's more treats and then paste again and then more chewy it's like a Heston Blumenthal meal I prefer to think of myself as like a crossword setter i feel a bit like that's a type of dog by the way yeah crossword that's not um but but now i've realized that i'm not king of the kong after all because i'm not king kong because i was saying at christmas oh yeah i set amazing dog treats i often think lucky the dog is thinking

oh, this is going to keep me going for hours. And then my sister-in-law said that her brother puts his in the freezer for the dog so it's even harder and it's good for hot days in the garden. Hot dogs. Hot dogs apparently enjoy the frozen Kong. Any more Kong tips?

Or boasts that aren't worthy of it? Let's hear them. I've got a boast that's a bit... I've got some great Kong tips, so there we go. OK, well, let's have music first. I like this. Frank?

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I've had a text from Joe in Sutton saying, Alan wants to watch out the dog doesn't get so excited with that concoction, it doesn't just swallow the whole thing. Thanks, Joe, but the Kong itself is about the size of a grenade, I would say. And so a whip, it wouldn't be able to swallow that.

And it's made of a firm rubber. I don't know what about when you see those snakes that have swallowed a goat. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't leave a Kong for the see those snakes that have swallowed a goat. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I don't leave a Kong for the pet snake that I've got. No. I didn't even know what a... I love it when you learn something new.

Yeah. I have no idea what a Kong is. Now we know what a Kong is. And it's a bit like... it's a bit like that... remember that sort of box thing in the Da Vinci Code? Rubik's Cube. It was like a thing that he had to turn certain ways to get it. It sounds like that. I don't like this creaking. Oh, I can't bear it. But it's the big white! I can see the big

white! It's just a cloud, Captain! Paddy Kielty's on the show this week. Incident there from Moby Dick. Is that your boast, that you're very good at impersonating Captain Ahab? I'll tell you what my boast is. I've done quite a lot of

dock feeding. Oh, are you good at it? Well, I'll tell you, there's a problem in London ponds. I don't know if this is true across the country. The seagulls, they abandon the sea and they come inland looking for food.

And the seagulls, they'll take bread out of the air. Yeah. That's the kind of characters they are. Do you go seagull or pigeon? I'd always rather a seagull, though. Well, you see, I don't... I think the seagulls, you know, get back to your own place. That's what I think.

The sea, yeah. Yeah. You're not called pond gulls, are you? Daily mail. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we were here first. I mean, the Canada goose is an immigrant I'm happy with, in the dot world. So I think, no, I don't want to give it to the seagulls, because they dominate.

I want to give it to that little moorhen grebe coot over there. I call it the moorhen grebe coot because I've heard these creatures called all three names so far. I've only been living in this place three weeks. So it's either a moorhen, a grebe or a coot. It's a black bear with a white face. Moorhen grebe coot, I call it. And I like, I can land, if you can imagine it had a placemat

in front of it, I can land it on the placemat nine times out of ten. So as quick as the seagulls are, the moorhen grebe coot has swallowed it before they can get there and I'm very happy with that. So you genuinely think you're good at feeding birds? It's about accuracy.

Not when I went out with him. We didn't ever go out, can I just say that in a platonic context. We didn't ever go out. Don't make me have to have another Doctor Who picture taken to prove that didn't happen. Can I tell you what I'm very good at? Yeah. Just a minute. I wouldn't mind running that by me off air.

The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Frank, what about when I knocked on your door on Boxing Day and you had a Christmas jumper on? Yes, this year. Yeah? I remember Boxing Day. I said, Frank, you've got a Christmas jumper. He said. This year? Yeah. Did you? I remember Boxing Day. I said, Frank, you've got a Christmas jumper.

He said, well, I'm a dad now. It's true. I didn't like to say so is David Beckham. There were other reasons, I have to say, and that is that I did, well, the main reason I was wearing one. I did Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. You've guessed it. I did Who Wants to Be a Millionaire just before Christmas.

I don't think it's gone out yet, so I won't say any details, other than the goodie bag included a Christmas jumper. Nice. I thought you were going to say you wore it on air. It was a nice one. It wasn't garish. It looked absolutely lovely on you. You don't love knitwear, though, do you? I don't.

You've got an anti-knitwear stance on you. Well, I'm not anti, but knitwear is a bit like one of those relationships that start brilliantly and then go wrong very very quickly because and the reason i wore it for the whole christmas period into the new year oh and the reason is you wear a t-shirt underneath um yeah i did wear i wear i wore a different t-shirt okay good today by the way i tell you, you might think, well, he's not wearing anything under that shirt. I'm actually wearing a Marks & Spencer singlet.

Nice. I'm a fan of the vest. Yes, this is very Paul Newman, someone up there likes me. I'm going to go a bit, it happened one night. Taking his shirt off. Yes. Anyway, so I think you only get one shot at knitwear. To me, once you've worn new knitwear, once it's been washed... It's never the same again.

Never the same. Yeah, you've said that to me in the past. Limpness about it. Slightly put me off knitwear, even though I still buy it. Don't waste your money. I'm afraid I just have. It's like, I imagine sheep after being out in a good rainstorm. Yeah.

Never the same. Like Big Ron's coat. Big Ron's coat. Now, can I tell you... Can I just add to this? The goodie bag also included a red, very nice red bubble hat. Various... a Rubik's Cube. Oh, did everyone get that then?

Yes. Was the Rubik's Cube covered in salmon paste and little chewy treats just to keep you going? It was by the end of Christmas. But also a voucher to get my teeth whitened. No. Which I'm hoping everyone got.

I'm hoping that wasn't a runner sent out the last minute. Karen, can you get a voucher for teeth whitening? Can I ask you a question? You're making me feel sick. Did someone say to you, well, you could fit it in before we go on air? Well, exactly.

You didn't really get a voucher for teeth whitening? I did, honestly. A voucher for teeth whitening, which I won't be using. Can I have that? Yes, certainly. Oh, lovely. I feel a bit like that. Tim, why don't I just take your teeth away and get them?

Oh, lovely. I feel a bit like that. Tim, why don't I just take your teeth away and get them? And also, a voucher for an hour and a half Segway. Oh, I'm so relieved you said that. Bless you. You know those Segways, don't you? Yeah, Piers Morgan loves them. Yeah, does he?

Yeah, he loves those bikes. They seem to attract a certain... Do you remember I told you this? I was going over Lambeth Bridge in my car. I saw a man on a Segway coming and I thought, what kind of a girl drives around a Segway? Wally. When he got closer

it was a little bit open. MPs are fans for some reason. Yeah, Piers Morgan had a terrible accident on one. Did he? Oh, there you go, every cloud. So that, and I'd say that goodie bag from Millionaire, which had sweets and all sorts of stuff in it, and two hampers I got sent, they got me through Christmas.

It's like being a homeless, you know. Well, you say that. Food hamper, clothes hamper. You've got a Fortnum and Mason hamper. It is not like being a homeless. No. But I must tell you, something embarrassing, I went to see Frank when he's standing there with Buzz.

He looked the perfect Christmas dad, may I say. And I brought nuts. And then I realised they were in the same hamper that our management had brought both of us. Oh, yes, that was awkward. That was awkward. That was a bit awkward, but I still let them in good spirit. You did? Yeah.

I don't think I pay for a damn thing. I don't think I pay for a damn thing. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I wanted to talk about what I was good at earlier. Oh, yes.

And you cut straight to a song with some alarm coming on your face. No, it was just, you know, I am the keeper of the gate, the moral gate on this show. I'll tell you what i'm good at we were talking about boasting um we've worked out that alan was well you're you're king kong so you're good at the kong and eggs and eggs you're good at feeding ducks bread placement tell you what i'm good at and i genuinely mean this i'm a very good at getting stains out i'm a stain devil are you that's That's worth knowing. No, it is. Honestly. Because at um...

What? At Rachel's wedding, at your sister-in-law's wedding, Alice, who's an ex-colleague of all of ours, she had the roller marée. She was Garrett's manager. She was, yeah. Oh, I like it when the backroom info comes out on the show she looks stunning in

this roll of marais and then someone put red wine on her i'm drunk um did you immediately throw white wine on her is that the next step no because i like her what i did i rushed her into the ladies and what was awkward was the stainless let's call it her midfield area so I was kneeling down scrubbing away yeah it looked a bit why don't you just save this for the jury okay what were you scrubbing with?

well this is where people go wrong always pat with a dry cloth initially to absorb the stain really? yeah see you're incredulous but i'm right and don't rub never rub no pat just pat the area keep patting the area pat i've got um stains out of couches clothes everything i think i've got just by dry pat no not dry patting i need to

use other things i mean i've done a bit of dry patting over the years. I've got barrow out of leather. Ultimately. You've got what? Barrow out of leather. Barrow out of leather? That's the best stain I've ever got out. Wow. That's tremendous.

That must have taken some heavy patting. Washing up liquid. What was it? That's cow patting. Leather, you see. Leather. Do you see? Yes.

Excellent. So, any stains, just give me a call. Oh, okay. That's really good. By the way, we had an explanation of more in grebe coots. We did. We did indeed, and I will read it to you. I don't like to leave...

We are interested in the readers' boasts that aren't worthwhile. Oh, yeah. If you've got a slightly pathetic boast, do let us know. I'm good at drying champagne glasses as well. Well, no, that's useful. 890. Yes. Says Alan.

The coot has the white face. More hen has red. I was told you can remember as hen and red both have an E in them. Oh. I'm not sure that's a way of memorising it rather than confusing the issue. The coot's got the white face. What about if a coot got extremely embarrassed? Then it'd get red, yeah.

That'd be confusing. Where does the grebe fit into this? There's no mention of the grebe. I think that grebe's confusing the issue. I've got an RSPB book from when I was a member. I'll lend it to Buzz. My friend James is a twitcher. I could get him to furnish us with more information.

I mean, not now. As long as it's a... As you know, I don't like coots. Because they nearly rub me in my life savings. Nice bunch of flowers in the lobby, though. Yes. That's what you pay for. That is true.

That's you for me some scale. That's pretty good. true. That's euphemisms go. That's pretty good. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on

8-12-15. Tweet us on at Frank at the radio on the radio. Tweet us on at Frank at the radio. On the radio. Tweet us at Frank on the radio. What's going on? Or you can email the Absolute Radio website. I've had my first minor breakdown of the year.

I thought that was the best you'd done it today. Thanks, Al. Frank, you've given your extreme opinion on knitwear, being one shot at it. Emily Dean, for readers who don't know, works within the fashion industry. I do. And obviously I'm a natural clothes hanger, so I think we should discuss the world's best-dressed man lists

that have been in the wider media. Yeah. Nick Grimshaw. A men's magazine voted them, but we won't play their game and promote them. Mr Grimshaw! Grimmy is top. I found that extraordinary.

Me too. How long does it take to put together... What does he wear? A tartan shirt and friendship bracelet? Yeah. Low bottoms, like Frank when he's going to bed. Just a shirt. Frank's chicer than Grimace.

The illustrative evidence was him in a motorbike jacket. Yeah. No helmet. You make him sound like Wallace and Gromit. Biker jacket, Frank. Okay, a biker jacket. A gribo. Is he a gribo?

A gribo? Yeah. What's that? What's that mean? A greebo? Do you know what greebos are? No, we're not from Wolverhampton. It was like people who were like rockers, you know, who drove motorbikes and wore leather jackets were called greebos. They based themselves on

the wild ones. I imagine it came from grease bowl, but that could be wrong. I'll tell you what he does, Grimmers. He mixes his media because he wears a hoodie with a biker jacket. I don't like that. Yeah, I don't. Decide what you are. Are you Danny Zuko? Are you on DMC?

Make a call. You see, I don't feel I have the right, because he is cool as they come. Grimmers! I'm not. So he must know what he's doing. write because he is cool as they come. Grimmers. Which I'm not. So he must know what he's doing. And here he is in the list. He's on the top of the list. Elton John's on the list.

But he hangs out. Elton John. Elton John. On the best dressed list. Elton John. A man who still casually will be seen in a shell suit. And what about the jacket? He quite often wears like a sort of a cotton yoga pant with a blazer, doesn't he?

He wears like tracky bottoms and a blazer. Have you seen the jacket with the diamante detail? It looks like Grandma Blanche at a bar mitzvah. The brilliant thing about Elton John is that he dresses as if he's going to an Elton John fancy dress party. That's the great thing. I don't know if that's the brilliant thing about Elton John. You know, he can play the piano and sing beautifully. Well, also...

It should be behind the screen. Duke of Edinburgh made it on. Duke of Edinburgh. Yeah, but at his age, best dressed, that's three people's jobs, isn't it? To be fair, it's all a bit 1953 chic, which I like, though. Can you imagine that? You're on the best dressed, Your Highness. Really? What do I wear?

He's literally dressed. I bet he's one of the only person on there who's actually dressed rather than dresses himself. But they had worse dressed as well. Where all the people look better. Well, George Galloway,

he always goes for a black shirt with a suit. He's one of those. Yeah, I can't wear a black shirt anymore. I don't know what it is. Why? It just doesn't...

I put one on and I feel like I should be doing... A bit Oswald Mosley. I feel like I should be doing magic. Do you know what I mean? Nil, nil, nil, nil. What about people who wear a black shirt with, like, a light-coloured tie? Oh! Like the Bogsy Malone people.

No, a black shirt's difficult. Is a black shirt with a suit, is it a bit Sports Personality of the Year? I think it's a bit Steve Pink, 1988. Well, I stopped wearing dark tops last year. As you know, I spent most of last year with a full facial beard. You do. And a dark top. Facial beard?

It really is. Well, we've got to know which area we're dealing with. Yeah, we're not taking any risks here. Over the course of a long day, it can really show up the beard dandruff. What about? I'm going to say it. Good point. I'm admitting it.

I'll tell you who else is on worse dress. Greg Wallace. And I think that's fair enough. I think he's a bit bootcut. Yeah, those check trousers. He's a bit bootcut jean, Frank. I thought you were being fair on Oswald Boateng, though, who looks good in the picture. I know.

I think they were being mean. I thought I was mean. I was going to say, he's a fashion person, isn't he? And a very good one. How dare they? Yeah. who looks good in the picture. I know, I think they were being mean. I thought that was mean. He's a fashion person, isn't he? And a very good one, how dare they? Yeah, he looked good in the picture. I think I own some of his suits. Good for you. The man who edits the magazine will have had an argument with him. Yeah.

Is that what it is, do you think? Oh, it's always to do with that. They're so pesky, these people. I should know I'm one of them. David Edwards has tweeted us, the Grebos weren't rockers. Sorry, the Grebos weren't rockers. Sorry, the Gribos weren't rockers. They were the Goths. No. Oh, I'm sorry, David.

That's an argument. Gribos were leather jackets and motorbikes. If Adrian Charles is listening, can you text him? This is pre-Goth. Is it? Yeah, this is the word. There were no Goths when the Gribos were around. I'm sorry, David.

I hate to disagree with the reader. And thanks for joining in, but I don't think that's correct. See if you like this, though. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. We had a tweet in from Bod Ball who says, When the moon hits your eye like a coot in disguise, that's a moorhen.

Oh, I love that's a moorhen. That's a way of... Okay. That's good. Oh, my goodness. This Grebes-Goths thing has got out of control. Not Goths, Grebos, Call Metal fans, Plumage. I can't even understand this. It's just Birmingham.

They're not goths, are they? Yeah. They're not goths. They're like... They're like rockers. Am I wrong? David from Longton has said, greebo were more of a smelly rocker that wore frib juice. I'm sorry, I don't know what that was. It just did smell nice.

Curly-haired vixen. Oh, it's like... Is it like patchouli oil? It might be. Anyway, we shouldn't get too deep into this. No, but curly-haired vixen says, greebos were totally rockers. Yes, thank you.

Greasy hair, leather jacket. Thank you. And Stan says, I have to agree with Frank, I remember greebos were quite the slash rockers. Prime example was Lemmy from Motorhead. Frank is so competitive, he's genuinely really happy. Look, he's clicking his fingers with excitement.

He does that when he's happy. You know when we're talking about boasts? I'm on the Gribowars. The absolute radio Gribowars on a Saturday morning. You honestly should have seen the excitement on his face. I know that little face when he's happy. People put donuts in your mouth. I'm patronising that. Very. Have you met me?

Now, you know you went to bed two hours before the bells with a bottle of bells? No, no bells. I don't drink spirits. My body will not tolerate that. A little Woody Allen for you there. You know, he's a judo. He does judo.

First time I fancied you in two years. I think he does judo and gym khanas. Anyway. You didn't go out either, Frank. I don't think you did. No, I went to bed at 11 o'clock. Well, I went out. It's better than 10 to midnight, though, isn't it?

It's still better than 10 to midnight. Well, thank heaven someone on this show has still got it. Legend. No chance. Legend. I went out. I broke the habit of a lifetime. I haven't actually been out on New Year's Eve in five years. Wow.

Because I think it's a bit common to go out on New Year's Eve. I'm not going to lie. I do. As I said to you before, for the heavy drinker, I hate it on New Year's Eve because there's all these people who don't normally get to. In the way. In the way. That's my spot on the bar.

I would describe it the sort of people that go out on New Year's Eve the kind of people that say it would be rude not to townies and they say only completely those are the New Year's Eve not many greebo's out do they say it takes two to tango

anyway so where did you go what did you do well I got an invitation Anyway. So where did you go? What did you do? Well. What happened? Well. Well. I got an invitation from some old university friends. Now, I would describe them.

I call these sort of friends. They're not tier one. If we've got the cake, Frank, let's be honest, you're right on that top tier for me. Okay. And then we have your tier threes. They're at the bottom. Come to the evening event, but don't come to the ceremony or the sit-down meal. I call them brackets Dean, friends.

Do you know why? Because if I send them a card, I have to put Emily brackets Dean. Yes. You see, I do the subtle thing. Frank S. I write. Frank S. Give them something to guess at.

Yeah. I do Emily brackets Dean. So they're my brackets Dean, but they're lovely people. So I turned up. But not quite lovely enough to make the top tier. Well, I don't think I've made their top tier. This is the thing. And I secretly, well, I have to say, I mean, now, of course, I'm obsessed by them.

Oh, really? Yeah. I went over to the house, lovely house, seven storeys. What? I know. What? I was with my friend Polly. She got in early. She did the right thing early at university. We walked up. I said my friend polly she got in early she did the right

thing early at university we walked up i said oh i don't like this house i said it's scary it's so grown up and the the woman she answered the door she said um well i heard what you said about the house no but it was skinnerian in its honesty and i like that i thought i'm gonna get on with you yeah that's good that she said that. They were... It was Richard Curtis. It was ridiculous. The children came... No, but that's what they were like. OK.

We had pies baked for us. The dad said, I've baked chicken and pheasant. But he put a Pac-Man on the pie to make it less Bullingdon Club, the pheasant pie. Oh, that's a good idea. The child came down. Beautiful. Should have been a ghost pie. That's what Pac-Man eats.

Immaculately conditioned hair. pristine onesie, the child. Lovely. I don't think I've ever heard the phrase pristine onesie before. She said... Wasn't she the woman who had the affair with Perfumer? She was. She wasn't pristine. She said, I've been so looking forward to meet you, Emily.

I said, oh, thank you. Did you get any nice Christmas presents? She went, my favourite was a book. Oh. She showed me the book. It was only the Guinness World Record book. She said, my favourite is... The Guinness World Record book?

The what book? Is it some anagrams? No, isn't it called the Guinness... Is it not called... Is it not the Guinness Book of Records? No, I thought it was... Oh, Charlie's nodding at me. I've got it wrong.

I thought it was World of Records. No, she's saying you've got it wrong. I'm right. I'm right. Guinness World of Records. It's called the World of Records. Come on, it's not anywhere near the Grebo Achievement. The Grebo Achievement were a great band, I thought.

It is World of Records, Frank. Is it? Yes. Well, the old ways are changing. Anyway, she said to me i like do you know the world's shortest man well there are questions you could ask me to impress a child yeah yeah so you said it i said it johandra our good friend yeah um she looks so shocked that i said it brilliant she couldn't believe it anyway now i'm in this terrible dilemma because I want to be... You broke her heart.

You know, a child in adult comedy, if they've got one thing up their sleeve, just one thing, but no. Yeah. Shut down. Jehandra Bahadur-Dangy, I said. They gave us so much... Did she say, bless you? When I asked for wine, normally I'm used to red or white with my common friends, he said, which wine would you like?

Reeled off a list, a wine list. Nowhere to hide. There's four choices. Sounds lovely. In the end. You should have stayed in with them. Well, I don't want to. I'm so obsessed by getting in with these people.

When I sent them, they'd be nice friends for me. And when I sent them a thank you card, I didn't think the writing looked nice enough. So I ripped it off and I started again. Then I realised I'd spelt John and I'd put an H in it and he hasn't got an H. So three attempts at the thank you card. That's like when you get four for someone and the texts take about 45 minutes to compose.

Yeah, but you've got to be careful with that now because people can see you writing that. Can they? Yeah. I saw you the other day with me, Frank. What do you mean they can see you writing it? I'll explain it to you, you get a day with me, Frank. What do you mean they can see you writing it? I'll explain it to you, you get a dot dot dot. Do you? I've got a dot dot dot thing.

That's what that means. Someone's composing a text. And then when it goes away it means they've thought, I can't be bothered now. That's what, I get a lot of those. I thought it was people just thinking and so on. Oh no. This is

Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. What am I going to do about these people? I'll just check my genuinely just check my message to see if they might have been listening and they might have got in touch with me. Did you go to the top floor in this? Yeah I did. How dare you? Have they got a lift?

Yes, guess what? They've made it all on. They haven't got a lift. They haven't got a lift. But they've laid on the lovely young... Ah, Kate's got a lift. He lives in the council.

No. Yes. Yeah. They laid on, well, they hadn't laid this on personally, but it felt like they had. We had the fireworks on both sides of London

we could look at as well. sides of london we could look at as well nice so you could choose and when you were up there did you sing i was here am i seven stories high did you sing that no but i really missed a golden opportunity so while i was with the perfect family what were you doing well it was a big turnaround for me because I've always been very very strict on doing Auld Lang Syne often I have to foist it on people they don't want to do it and I said come we have to do I've always felt if I don't do Auld Lang Syne something very terrible will happen in the following year which might yet prove to be true because I didn't do it this year partly Partly because I thought, you know,

OK, if you want independence, I've independence. I won't be singing your songs anymore. No. So I think I was the only person in North London who sang Vera Lynn's They'll Always Be in England. Oh. No, I went to bed at 11, and... It's good, isn't it?

I think you know it, Vera Lynn's. The Empire 2, we can depend on you. Maybe not. But it was odd. It was very odd because it's become a sort of almost like an obsessive compulsive thing with me that I have to do Auld Lang Syne. And I just fought it this year. Did you?

And I didn't do it, and I went to bed at 11, and I could hear fireworks outside and people enjoying themselves, and I lay in a dark room alone. And that has brought me to my New Year's resolution for 2014, to be more solitary and distant from other people. Oh, lay in a dark room alone. Yes. I did, I won't explain why.

But, yes, that was that. And then, also, our meal. I said... Oh, for New Year's, this is. Yes, so there was me and Catherine, and Boz obviously went to bed about eight. Yeah, they don't... So, eight night for him. They don't stay up for the bells, do Buzz obviously went to bed about eight. Yeah. So eight night for him.

They don't stay up for the bells, do they? No, they don't. We always did with my parents. Yeah, they don't care about the bells. So he went off to bed. So there's me and Kath and Kath's mum, and then Kath's sister and her husband came around. And I said, we'll do a lovely meal. So we had a meal.

They chose. I was out and about. And the meal was rice, chips and bread and butter. Oh, look at the face on Emily Bean. Yes. At the list of carbohydrates. It was a 3C

meal all exactly the same colour no it was one of the worst meals I've ever had in my life it sounds like a Hieronymus Bosch painting to me that's how much of a nightmare it is why would they pick that it was sort of

it was a mistake it's got a firmly anti-meat and vegetables stance things got confused well I think there was a bit of chicken in the a firmly anti-meat and vegetables stance. Things got confused. Well, I think there was a bit of chicken in the rice, but it was lost in the carbohydrate. Bit of a felty supper, that one. Do you know what? You had a felty supper?

I don't think it was the worst meal... Did you like it? ...I had over the holiday period. No. Was it not? It actually went worse. I had a terrible food-based Christmas period. Did you? Why?

Well, I'll come back to this. I rather like this song. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, I think my worst meal of the Christmas period was... I went for kippers. Now, I like a kipper. Can you have a singular kipper? I always think of them in pairs.

Yeah. But anyway, my girlfriend's mum bought the kippers and they seemed to be the sort of hardcore kippers that you imagine a russian peasant might like no kippers more bones than any and strong oh they're pen and ink as well they were so they didn't have any cooking instructions on them or anything they were like black market kippers really nothing there was no. They were just in a clear plastic bag. Nothing. They had the eyes in them.

I mean, for God's sake. I love the yellow tinge, though. So I started... Look, keep my girlfriend's mother out of this. So I started... I tried with the kipper. Oh. But it was horrible.

Really? So strong. So I thought, at least I've got the joy of oven chips. I've got a plate full of oven chips. They're going to pull me through. And the oven chips had soaked up every fibre of kipper juice. So everyone... They weren't chips anymore, they were kips.

They taste, everyone tasted like this super strong kipper. And I can still taste it a bit now. Sorry, did you have kippers, was this for supper then? This was for... Supper? I don't know, what is supper? Supper's what you call an evening meal. Yeah, an evening meal.

No one has kippers for supper. This one, you wouldn't want to start the day with these babies, I tell you. That's a day gone ruined. Oh man, that was... I went round to Frank's. It was brilliant and I went round there about half twelve

or something and then he offered me Christmas cake, which I love Christmas cake. I was very excited. And I had a couple of chocolates as well. But that suits me, you see. You see, we have a habit, a very bad habit, of inviting people around. It's about midday, half twelve.

And then I say, if you're going to invite, they'll expect lunch. And Kath says, no, they won't. And I say, I think they will at that time. And I say, I end up saying, this is what I do, this is awful. I say, look, well, I'm going to have lunch at about 11.30 because I can't go that long without eating.

We had people, I mean, this was terrible. We had a group of friends. I like to think I'm family, so the same rules don't apply. No, but this, honestly, this is one of the few times I felt real domestic guilt about this because we had four couples and their children come round. At what time? They arrived at about between half twelve and one o'clock.

I mean, that's your classic lunch. Yeah, they arrived. The producers got their head in their hands. We gave them nothing. What time were they there till? Tea, they got. Well, at about 2.30... They expired from hunger.

2.30. Now, this is a true story and it's awful. At 2.30, we went to feed the dogs. You can see the novelty of feeding the dogs. Oh, I don't like the sound of this. And I noticed that not only some of the children, but some of the adults were eating the bread. No.

They were eating the doc's bread. They were so hungry. I felt terrible. Really terrible. Why didn't you serve them food? The docs were up at the railings of Paul. Well, we're just, we're so rubbish. No, but I quite like it.

I like it. No, that was, I mean, you don't want guests eating bread for the docks. No, but I liked it because I had Christmas cake and four chocolates. It was like what a drunk would have for lunch. And I was very happy with that. Any excuse to avoid a full meal, I'd love. Well, in the end, I went to Marks and Spencer's and got some cooked chicken. I got three cooked chickens.

What time was that? Five o'clock? That would be about, no, about three. By which they were on their knees as children were crying. Oh. Oh, I mean, I felt so terrible about it. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. So those poor people, Frank, eating the old stale duck spread. I know. It wasn't stale, actually. I think it was quite... it was all right.

Oh, I don't know what you're worried about then. As duck spread goes. I mean, it wasn't blue. I still don't understand why you can't just... Next time, can I give you the word of advice? You know you invited them and then thought, let's buy three chickens. Why don't next time you think, well, they're going to be here, so before they get here, we'll buy three chickens and three pizzas and cook them. Why not invite them at, say, three o'clock? That's another option.

So you don't have to feed them? That's another option, yeah. Four. Oh, no, then you might have to have them for tea. I can't be feeding ducks, human beings. Yeah. You prioritised ducks pretty firmly there, haven ducks pretty firmly but the bread was all right can i make that clear i'm not like um you know alan cochran giving animals old food the sell

by day the whip it doesn't mind by the way when i said earlier that i slept in a dark room alone often i can say oh i often sleep in a dark room that's not as bad as it sounds. Who sleeps with the light on? Gazza, that's it. No, there was another one. Children. Wayne Rooney likes the hairdryer on. Yes. Well, that's what he told Colleen.

Yeah, and you see what it did? It wore it completely away. But I don't... Anyone thinking I've had a terrible rift with my girlfriend. It was just that I had the monitor that night. And when I have to... You know we keep reptiles. No, no, I had the baby monitor that night.

And I had six nights of the baby monitor. I gave her a bit of a break. I thought you meant the school monitor. So we... Yeah, I didn't have the milk monitor. No. Yes, great. Lovely girl.

I mean, she has an age as well as I have. But anyway, it's just a bit of, you know, what's the point of being on... I like to be at Frank's school. Schools Reunited. What's it called? Schools Reunited. Friends Reunited.

Friends, what's the point of being on that if you can't meet up with the milk monitor? Friends Reunited. 40 years on. Frank told me that they used to have their milk when they were at the Birmingham school. And then he would fall, they'd all fall asleep on the desk. Now we were told to sleep.

What, do you think it was drugs? Looking back, it was heavily drugs. It was drugs. Yeah. I love it. So, anyway, this is something that I'm going to confess to now. And new readers, this won't mean much to them, old readers will be aghasp.

Oh, yeah. Which is a cross between gasping and being agape. But one of the two hampers, which got me through Christmas, I was talking about, contained a bottle of non-alcoholic wine. Now, I've always avoided the non-alcoholic versions of drinks, because I always think that might get me... You know, I've had a recent terrible terrible wrestle with um the electric cigarette oh yeah do you enjoy people

use them to get them off cigarettes i've used them to get me back on but anyway the non-alcoholic wine sounds a bit frightened of it and then i thought i'll try it do you know what i did it's a slope you had a glass of wine with a meal. I did. You've become that guy. What? I had a glass of non-alcoholic wine with a meal. It was non-alcoholic, though. It was, but even so, I did have one glass of wine. It does make you a cliché.

And how was it? I'll tell you, it was fantastic. Was it nice? I've started to really look... I keep saying to Kath, if you're out, have you seen any of that non-alcoholic wine? Oh, man. I'm wondering if I could take me...

If I could end up on waste ground drinking non-alcoholic wine as a sort of a homeless person who's still got an element of control. What appealed to you about it? Other than the... Well, I'll tell you. If it was free, of course. But also if you... Was it the ritual?

Well, the little ritual. I'll never find that jingle. You didn't do that when you were a drinking man. I don't believe that you were having a glass of wine with a meal. That wasn't the problem. He didn't say, oh, Keith, if you're out and you see any of that perno, can you get me one? No.

But my motivations were less taste-bound and more make it so it feels all right to sleep on a grass verge. Yeah. But the trouble is with drinking soft soft drinks they're so sweet yeah so sweet all the time and i tried um tonic water which is the least sweet of the soft drinks but i had so much quinine in me people with malaria were having transfusions. So it was nice. A nice glass of non-alcoholic wine with a meal. That's the wine with a meal. You're that guy now. I can't believe it.

I didn't give the guests any, obviously. Well, they had no meal to have it with. Absolute. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'd like to return to Email Corner, if I may. Do you need the jingle? Yes, thank you very much. I mean, come on.

Um. Email Corner! It was worth it for that Gregorian chant. Yeah, maybe I could add... You're having fun there, like Animal from The Muppets. I imagine the bloke who plays the sitar was leaving and walked into the gong on the way out, is what happened there. This is from Reader222, Cameron. He says, Hi Frank Allen and the most delightful Miss Dean.

Oh, yeah, the most delightful. Once again, I saw this and thought of Frank. It's not a competition, mate. We're all just trying to be delightful. Take it easy. How amazing. How amazing would your collection be if you could add this to the John Wayne timepieces I'm sure you now already own? to the John Wayne timepieces I'm sure you now already own.

Well, he then links to a photograph of a rather marvellous Elvis pocket watch. Pocket watch? A fob? Fob, I believe. I'm sorry, fob. OK, same thing. Yeah, but you used the correct term, I think. He also says, if Miss D never finds herself in Oxfordshire,

maybe she would like to join me in surfing the net for more delightful time-related limited edition gifts. It's the first night's move of the year. Well, and it's from a Cameron from Oxfordshire. Oh, yeah. Joining the dots. What does that... Oh, you think not.

Our PM is apparently a listener. Oh, I'm sorry, I don't tick that box. But... Yeah, I can't imagine him browsing Elvis Fob Watch it's a weird way to get to Emily yeah but sorry wrong box what do you do where do you wear a fob

nowadays now that the waistcoat apart from Jim Davidson on Celebrity Big Brother I haven't seen a waistcoat outside of the snooker for years the last person I saw with one was David Walliams. What, a fob watch? Yes, he'd been bought one, yeah, I think by his wife, and he showed it to me, and it was lovely.

Very expensive, I should imagine. Yeah, I would think so. He probably didn't get his from jacamo.co.uk, who I thought was a clothes seller. I imagine he got it from some sort of, if there's a Savile Row equivalent. Something of Switzerland. He probably went to Switzerland. It was like two blokes

in the pub talking about rich people. He probably went to Switzerland. Yeah, I reckon that's what happened there. I wouldn't mind going back to one of those old, you know those garage digital watches you used to buy?

Yeah, quite cheap watches from the garage. Oh yes, I know what you mean Frank. Yeah. I don't know, because I thought you can still get digital watches. Oh yeah. Yeah. Because I don't see them now. They're back in fashion now Frank. It's amazing how they, when they come

you thought this is the digital age goodbye little hand big hand and then little hand big hand made a bit of a comment it's had a right resurgence hasn't it weird it's like it's like um if people bring back um for example those clip-on sunglasses that go on your normal glasses if they came back and beat chains we had to like rapids no they did something different these ones actually clip on your glasses um i'd like to get a sort of a really cheap digital watch like what you used to get can you still get a swatch yeah yes i need to reinvestigate what i'd like most of all is a, is a nursery upside down watch. What's that? You know those things that the nurses wear

on their upside down. Oh, I love a nursery watch, yeah. So when you're picking up, it's the right way up. I'm sure that can be arranged. Why do only nurses wear those? I don't know. Yeah, good question though. Sanitation, I would imagine. Sanitation. That's what you need.

Isn't that handy for most people? Can I look at the records? Oh, you've reminded me of those people. You know you're trying to get over an ex. Oh, I love those people. Have we got time for one more email, Frank? I don't know. Let's ask Daisy.

30 seconds. 30 seconds. No. I think we should fill. With just this. For 30 seconds. Talking like this. Many of you will have met a new um a new person

over christmas or the new year and think maybe this is the one what a marvelous start love is in the air i'd like to leave you with i was talking to a friend about the philosopher jacques lacan and uh there's a quote someone asked jacques lacan about um he was talking about you know as philosophers do, the futility of human relationships. And they said, what about falling in love? And he said, and I'll leave you with this, that falling in love is giving something

you haven't got to someone who doesn't exist. A lovely Valentine's card greeting. The good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise. We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full Frank experience.

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