The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Hard Day's Night

Episode Date: September 8, 2012

This week, the team discuss Frank's tuth ache, Emily's recent trip to Liverpool and Alun's car rules.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is Absolute Radio and I'm Frank Skinner. I did it the other way around this week. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Sorry, I can't hear a damn thing. Terrible moment. Gone deaf on air. If I'm going to go deaf, I would rather go deaf on air. Really?

Yeah, sorry. Sarah just turned up my thing really, really loud in case I hadn't gone deaf. Well, that's fixed the deaf problem. Now I've got blood coming out of my anus and nostrils. And just a little bit out the corner of one eye. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Oh, it's packed in here. Everyone's here. Yeah. We've got the producer, the... Where is he? Assistant or associate? What would you call him? Assistant. Assistant producer. My manager's in here overseeing. It's lovely. Assistant producer. My manager's in here overseeing. It's lovely.

We've got, um, who's that? The Everly Brothers are here. Um, are they dead? Dunno. Okay. That's this morning's texting. Are the Everly Brothers dead? That will come in now, you know.

Yeah, they won't be listening. They don't get on, do they? I thought them, I thought I mean them directly, but someone will let us know. No, no. They were the first squabbling showbiz brothers, I think. Oh, were they? Whatever. No, that was the chuckles.

Yeah, they might not have been. I think maybe the novellos didn't get on that well. All right. Isn't there some squabbling brothers in the Bible? Oh, yeah, Cain and Abel. They could be fractious. It's actually led to a homicide.

Anyway, you can text us on 8-12-15 about the mortality of the Everly Brothers or any other topic, biblical or otherwise. Or if you're one of the Twitterati, like people like Vanessa Feltz, for example, you can...

And me. I don't think I've heard you call them the Twitterati before. I'm enjoying it. I'm always expanding my vocabulary or trying to. He's getting very Twitter-literate. Yeah, Twitter-iterate. Anyway, you can

use at Frank on Absolute. Anyway, you can use at Frank on Absolute. I know you won't, but I have to read it out. Actually, they will. Au contraire, my friend. They do, yeah. Because Erin has tweeted us to say, my brother quoted Frank. Des au contraire. My brother quoted Frank on a date.

The relationship didn't work out. Erin, we have to know what he said. I want to know what the quote was exactly yeah maybe it's not broadcastable oh yeah it might not I hope it wasn't it might have been your blue period yes indeed she quoted that on a date

I mean that's going to be that's too much too soon that's something you need to have been living with someone for about 8 years standards need to have dropped a little before you have those kind of conversations. You've got to keep up a bit of a false front, haven't you, in the early days? Maybe that was the problem as well. Oh, you just meant to do that in the early days.

Oh, that's not going wrong. Yeah. I think the early days, like, you know, the first six weeks when you're, you know, cleaning your teeth on a regular basis. It's what I call the hold-ups phase. Still wearing hold-ups, not tights. Exactly, yeah, which is always... They're all right, except when they turn and the grey, sticky elastic is exposed.

I don't... There's something not good about that. And sometimes one will drop, and when they drop, they sort of... The top comes down and overlaps a bit on a hold up and you get one sexy stocking leg and one cavalier leg and I can't

be erotic in the company of 17th century history it's just a little thing of mine remember that girls thing of mine. Remember that, girls. Frank? Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. No news on the Everleys? No. Oh, this is like a bedside

vigil. There has been other information coming in from the outside world. On 8 12 15? On 8 12 15, yeah. Slick. Early in the show to be outside world. On 8-12-15? On 8-12-15, yeah. Slick. Early in the show to be this slick. And on the subject of early in the show, we've had a text saying,

Hi, guys, I know it's early in the piece, but killing your brother is technically fraticide, not homicide. Well, I think homicide covers all killing, doesn't it? I think you're good for both. I agree. Also, isn't it fratricide rather than fraticide? Oh, maybe it's... When pedants collide.

Maybe his phone's cracked at it. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. OK, yeah. He's gone F-R-A-T-A-C-I-D-E. I think it's fratricide. But again, you know, I've been wrong. Fraticide. I've been wrong before, I think, three times?

Since the 80s? Well, Gregor in Lewisham. Gregor? Gregor. Oh, named after Rasputin. Well, I don't want to be disputing. Oh, Frank, lovely. We've also had a tweet in from Jack.

Oh, Jack's tweeted in from Jack oh Jack's tweet in Jack says the chuckle brothers weren't brothers they were father and son this is extraordinary revelation is that right? by extraordinary revelation if you mean incorrect then you're probably right is it incorrect?

I think so I mean I don't know but someone will tell us. That's often my answer on these conversations. What were the crankies? What was their... I know they were husband and wife off stage. No, they were civil partnership. Were they?

Yeah. No, no, because Jimmy was like a ten-year-old, wasn't he? Oh, OK. Was he the older brother? Possibly. Ian. He wasn't father and son, was he? Oh, I don't know the nature of their complex relationship.

I thought they were husband and wife. Oh, what, you mean... No, when they were Jimmy and Ian Cranky. Oh, right, I thought they were big and little brother, but I'm maybe misremembering it. Yeah, I think it was at Legal Guardian and Ward of Court. I could be wrong about that. Anyway, what a week.

What a week. I say, what a week I've had. Have you? It's been a nightmare. Regular listeners will know that the last half hour of last Saturday's show, I was in considerable pain. half hour of last Saturday's show, I was in considerable pain. So I went off to considerable pain or heavy metal pain.

You know them. You have to say what's wrong, Frank. I had terrible toothache. Toothache. Yeah, and I went to the... A friend of mine is a dentist. He opened up the surgery for me especially. We had the surgery to ourselves. Oh, lovely. He's your friend and he's your dentist yes really the two can can go together yes and i knew it could at invoice point though surely no we don't we never discuss money i do

all that through a third party yeah it's not good in a friendship i found and um so um oh he opened up the shop he lives above the above the shop i love that you call it the shop well you know dental surgery okay he lives above the search but living above the shop is a term isn't it yeah it is so um so it's just me and him in this, in the thing. No nos. No nos. No nos looking after us. Which is a bit, you know, I had to hold my own pipe. I did.

I love that I'm getting so fluent in Bromley, I understand all of this. No, but you know your drainage pipe that you have when you're having your teeth done? I had to hold that myself because we didn't have a dental nose. Oh, goodness me. So it was all uh he's i mean he's uh you know he he knows the drill he knows the drill thank you very much i love him actually yes i'm an extractor fan no it was the worst i was in the chair for two hours and it was the worst dental experience of my life i had 11 different needles in my gum.

Oh, Frank. My gum went a bit Hellraiser. Oh. I had some actually between, you know the gap between the teeth? I know. Actually up there, right up that gap. And then one in the roof of the mouth. Oh, that isn't so good.

And even in the midst of pain, I thought to myself, is it the roof of the mouth? It's called the roof of the mouth, but isn in the midst of pain, I thought to myself, is it the roof of the mouth? It's called the roof of the mouth, but isn't it more of a ceiling? And that's it with me. I'm always concerned with language and usage, even in the very midst of agony.

So, it makes more sense, doesn't it? Absolutely. I had one right through the ceiling yeah well more but it's a terrible terrible tale Frank

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio I was on about me teeth steptoe and son yeah I was on about me teeth. Oh, step-turns on. Yeah, and so in the end, it had to come out.

The tooth? Yeah. Tooth. And I haven't had a tooth out for 20 years or nothing. Where was it? They don't seem to take them out anymore, do they? Where was it in proximity to the front of the mouth? Where are we talking? It's about halfway towards the back.

I'm not one of those people who can say molar seven. Oh, me neither. I just thought you could describe it, though. Well, the thing is, I don't have any teeth on one side of my head at all. I'm working on gum. So if I lose a tooth from the other side, I've said tooth now, it's tricky.

I'm glad. Soon I'll just be taking my whole intake through a straw. That'll be all right. Oh, no, by mouth. I'm so jealous. But anyway, it had split right down the middle, this tooth. It literally split down the middle. And when they pulled it out, it looked like two little fingers.

It looked like my gum was saying, and don't come back. Do you think there's something very 1970s about having a tooth taken out? Yeah. Because people have them filled and drilled and all that now. Yeah, yeah. I just get new ones now. The first three times I went to the dentist, I had six out, six out and four out. What, in your life?

In my life, yes. The first three times? Yeah. Wow. Thanks for verifying those facts before we move on. I just thought, what? Well, we weren't big on dental hygiene in our house. Let's not go on about it.

We have in the past, actually, haven't we? I think we probably have, yeah. But I don't want to be one of those there are certain celebrities and we won't name names who've gone for the very very white perfect pristine teeth that they've had sort of built

you know and often with a rugged working class face oh yes I've got one exactly in mind now. Yeah. Oh, well, we should. No, I'm not.

I won't, because he's a nice man. Well, say Noel Gallagher is an example. As a man who looks like he should have teeth like mine, and his fat has got a perfectly white, lovely... Right. And there are certain people who look like they could read in bed by the light of their own smile. And I've always thought, well, I don't want to go down that road,

but when your teeth have fallen out and split in two, you do think maybe it's time to try and do a bit of rescue work, but no, I'm going to go the Queen Mother's route. If it's good enough for her, the nation's sweetheart. In other words, I'm going to have very small wooden ones. I think hers were wood, weren't they? I think she was fear of drowning. She feared that the teeth would float being wooden

and that would hold her mouth and nasal passage slightly above the surface. I don't think she ever got over that Titanic thing. There's a logic, isn't there? Oh, yeah, she was there. She was full of logic. But I was... Logic is a finely blended whisky, I don was there. She was full of logic. But I was... Logic is a finely blended

whisky, I don't know if you're aware of that. But they said to me, you've got to eat mushy food for a week. And I went and I bought some mushy peas. And I thought, that's a bit root one, isn't it, for mushy food. Were they nice? They were mushy. I'll give them that.

Whether they were peas. Is this one of those cases where you can say they did exactly what it said on the tape? Exactly. Yes, they promised mushiness and they delivered big time. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. I wonder if anybody's ever made a statue of you, Frank. I know you've been celebrated in many ways. There must be one in Dudley somewhere. I've never seen one.

Somebody surely would have dropped me a line. A Birmingham would have told you. A Birmingham would have. The Birmingham's are getting in touch today a bit, aren't they? There's been one made, supposedly, of Dame Kelly Holmes, but it doesn't look like her.

Very retro. It's been in the papers. It was made by the deodorant makers, sure. It wasn't made by them, surely. It was commissioned by them. Has she got like a sort of a human cannonball hat on that you can use to

as an aerosol? With nozzle effect. Now I've seen it, I saw a picture of it in the paper. And it doesn't look like them and I think that's part of the problem that they did it because I think they turned up and went, oh this is Kelly Holmes statue and people saw it and went, are you sure?

And they went, yeah, yeah, we're from shore. And that was part of the problem, that they didn't realise that it didn't look like her because of who they worked for. So there. That's my theory on it. Surely they gave it their tick. Surely, yeah. It did make me remember those adverts.

Do you remember those adverts that they used to do? The tick on the back? Yeah, the tick on the back. It's reminiscent of a particular era of advert, isn't it? And it used to be, it used to go, the tick on the back is all mine, all mine. Tick on the back, was that it? No, it didn't.

I don't remember that bit. Was that wrong? That was Gazza in his musical period. That's right. Oh, yeah. I was very disappointed with the, even Dame Kelly Holmes says it doesn't look like. She did say something like, it's a shame it doesn't...

Well, I liked what she said. She said it was quite withering the way she said it. It was quite Emily Dean, if I may say. Oh, good for her. She said, it's a shame it doesn't look quite like me. Yes. Oh, that's cold. And I loved her for it.

It was good. But imagine the poor artist, though. That must be terrible. And even Dame Kelly Holmes... They haven't named them, have they? No. They haven't said who it was. No. Or how much it cost. He'll forever be the artist artist, though. That must be terrible. They haven't named him, have they? No. Or how much it cost. He'll forever be the artist with no name,

and I think he should stay that way. What, Prince? I tell you what, I was disappointed. I saw the article in the paper, and I thought they'd missed a fantastic chance for a headline here. What was the headline on the actual thing? Have you got it? Yes, I have.

It was something very straightforward, anyway. no it doesn't and the mail online which is my paper of choice it uh it just has a pricey of the story it was surely the headline should have been nothing like a day oh yeah i mean it would have been one of the great headlines ever that's first class and that's high praise for me, first class. I've said Heather then. I said Heather instead of Heather. I noticed on one of the adverts today, one of the announcers said, Halbert Hall.

Oh, no. And they've left that in. Someone thought, well, that's all right. What's going on with this station? We're on the way out. I'm so impressed with time. Frank. Can I say, can I just read you this?

You can. You said you saw it at Daily Mail online. Did you read the comments? I love a Daily Mail comment. It was a beautiful comment. I work with a girl who was in the army with Holmes. Apparently she's a right nasty cow. What a lovely tribute there to a double Olympic gold medalist.

I don't know about you, I'm filling up. We've had two messages from the outside world, from people texting 8, 12, 15. I think we should, the same joke, but we should congratulate separately Ian Angle or Angel. I'm going Angel. We did this before, and Mike at Romford, and they've both gone with No Face Like Holmes.

That's very good. Very good. Very good, great minds, etc. Yeah. In case you haven't seen the picture, some people think it looks more like Jessica Ennis, some say Young Princess Anne. To me, it was David Carradine as Kane in Kung Fu.

To me, it was David Carradine as Kane in Kung Fu. Now, why that statue of David Carradine should stand in a small Kent village is questionable. Why has she got a sort of Barry McGuigan mouth shield as well? She does look like she's wearing a gum shield. He's completely messed it up. And I don't like the sagging area in the shorts. Like school play tights. The what the sagging area in the shorts like school play tights the what sagging area in the shorts oh yes you're right i don't know if that was deliberately putting on if there's been some meltage but uh that's how they should do it if i was a sculptor what i would do is i'd do the statue first. If I was a sculptor, that'd be a good first line to a song, Frank.

Let me write that down. If I was a sculptor. But then again... Yeah, that's the one. Yeah, what I would do is I'd do a big sculpture and then I'd say to my mates, who does that look like to you? And if they said, well, it looks like

David Carradine. Then I'd find out the hometown like David Carradine, confirm. Then I'd find out the hometown of David Carradine and say, I've done a statue. Do you want a bite? You'd phone a deodorant company and away you go. I mean, the deodorant. I mean, what's Shua doing getting involved in this kind of public?

Ironically, it's an uncertain world for them, isn't it? I mean, it's hit and miss. I thought Right Guard's Daley Thompson was a fabulous portrait. Was he wearing tracksuit bottoms? Of course. But they had the moustache. It was ebony. It was beautiful.

Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email in. Just a minute. we've had an email in. Just, just, just, just a minute. We've had an email in.

Email Corner. I wish I lived on Email Corner. This is from Andy Lee. I don't know if he's anything to do with Lisa Scott Lee, one of my favourite celebrities. Or Rusty Lee. Yeah, or Andy Lee. I don't know if he's anything to do with Lisa Scott Lee, one of my favourite celebrities. Or Rusty Lee. Or Sarah Lee. Or Diane...

Which one was Peterson Lee? Anyway, carry on. Dear Frank, have you heard that there's a pub named The Pig Iron in Middlesbrough, formerly known as The Hairy Lemon? What, Middlesbrough used to be known as The Hairy Lemon? No, The Pig Iron did. Oh, OK.brough used to be known as the hairy lemon? No, the pig iron did. They should have got Frank to do the grand opening

so he can bring back his pig iron catchphrase. Yes, there was a time when I explained what was in the show and I used to say, we've got pig iron! We've got all pig iron! But I stopped doing it because I'm basically anti-catchphrase culture. You know, your guts are coming up with jokes. And then some idiot just says the same thing every week and gets a big cheer from the audience.

Can't be right. And also I'm a bit worried about pubs that are called things like the Hairy Lemon because it's like, you know, let's have a wacky name. You know, you get things like the Frog and Transsexual. And I think people have deliberately come up with that in order to you get things like the frog and transsexual. And I think people have deliberately come up with that in order to be... That's just in your area and what for, to be fair. If I had a pub, I'd call it the misplaced defibrillator. That's what they should be more inventive.

I'm just nipping down the misunderstood reference for a half. It'd be great. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Nane

and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215 or follow us on Twitter using that Frank on Absolute That was the Cambridge Folk Festival. I loved it.

I feel like I had quite a big influence on me. It does seem to, doesn't it? That's necessarily true. I was going to throw in a with a fold I riddled a thing but I thought people might start typing in thinking it was our Twitter account. Part of the address.

All sorts of confusion. If a folk virus got into Twitter the whole thing. Isn't it the antithesis of Twitter? Folk music. That's this week's texting. It's folk music. It's folk music. You can either tweet us or write a ballad about it

depending on which side of the fence you lie Frank Yes I did something extraordinary this week I went north That was a high one Barnet I went to Liverpool.

Can you believe it? Fantastic. Yes. Life goes on day after day. I, no, I'm quite a big fan of Liverpool. I'm a bit of an honorary scouser. I've had a few adventures up there back in the 90s, yeah. Okay.

But this wasn't a... Creamfields or something no more premier league players oh okay oh i'm not lying thinking it was raving well it was in parts of a sort um no this this was a this was work right um and i was filming a little fashion item for this morning, which you may be familiar with. Well, who isn't familiar with this morning? I was styling. No, that's another texting.

I was styling. Let me know when you're on the telly, because I like to watch. Oh, I don't like to self-promote. I like to watch. Oh, that's meant for Lil. No, but I love the fact that you're on this morning. Oh, I'm glad you liked it. Well, I was styling the mum of Beth Tweddle. You know the Olympian gymnast?

I know Beth Tweddle. Frank? Yeah. I'm Team Tweddle now. Yeah. I'm a friend of the family. She bronzed, didn't she? Yeah, she did.

Did she? Is that what you did? You bronzed her? No. No, you got completely mixed up. Frank, so I arrived the night before. You go the night before, obviously. Yes.

Get yourself prepared. Obv. Yeah. I had the lovely Scouse taxi driver. He said, oh, where are you going? I said, oh, it's called A Hard Day's Night. I said it like that. Right. So I said, oh, it's dead posh in there, oh, it's called A Hard Day's Night. I said it like that. So I said, posh in there, love.

So posh in there, three star. Oh, right, went in. Is that the Beatles themed? That should be four star, shouldn't it? Yeah. Three star, if I was bingo, if I was ringer, I'd tell her I was a slap in the face. If I was bingo, I would be a dog

from a popular children's song. So I probably wouldn't be hosting the show. There was a farmer at the face. If I was Bingo, I would be a dog from a popular children's song. So I probably wouldn't be hosting the show. There was a farmer and a dog, his name was Bobby Bingo. Everybody, B-I-N-G-O. I mean you people at home as well. B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O. There was a band who had a drummer

and his name was Ringo. Everyone, R-I-N-G-O, R-I-N-G-O. I hate it when the listeners don't join in. Four people and three of them were in West Bromwich. They're very supportive. Frank, I've got more to say about A Hard Day's Night. I know, but I have to play some music. We'll come back to A Hard Day's Night. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Let me set things up. We're in Liverpool, we're in a cab, and we're on our way to the Hard Day's Night Hotel. Themed Beatles Hotel. Very good. I'm Sons Premier League players at this point. Yeah. So I arrive at the hotel. It's lovely.

Is it? They're a lovely person, the Scouser I do like them Was the front door a revolver? Oh, right I imagine that there's like Instead of a porch, there's like a big mop top hairstyle Oh, they should have that, yes

That would be great A big one, you know, massive Well, I hoped there is the Real hair The McCartney No, that's a fire hazard Yeah, probably I hoped I'd be in the McC the... Real hair. The McCartney... No, that's a fire hazard. Yeah, probably.

I hoped I'd be in the McCartney suite. There is a McCartney suite. There's a Lennon suite. I thought that might be Vladimir Lennon, but it turns out it is John Lennon. Oh, did you end up in the Stu Saltcliffe? I was Ringo. I was sort of in between.

No, I was just in a general room. They're called luxury rooms. But apparently, what they have, they've obviously tried to theme that entire hotel is themed towards Beatles songs. So, you don't get a sign on the door saying, do not disturb. You put a sign out which says,

let it be. Oh, nice. Vague, isn't it? Let it be. I imagine they've told the staff that let it be means do not disturb. Oh, they have done that. Rather than just... There's a song called I'm Only Sleeping, isn't there?

Yes. Oh, that would be good, Frank. Oh, that would have been good. Well, 24... Maybe I should get you guys to guess what they were, because... Please don't spoil my day. I'm miles away. Marky Smith is in the room next door.

I'm only sleeping. Yeah, that's what they should have done. Room service, 24 hour, any time at all. Any time at all. They should have pushed it even further and gone for eight days a week. No, that was the sign on my door. I put that on my door.

If you stayed there for a week and got charged for eight nights, the scene wouldn't be quite so funny anymore, would it? But, Frank, they tried to crowbar it in sometimes. Of course. And then it was getting a bit... It was like there was a sign saying, Can't buy me love. But you can buy one of our gift vouchers for someone special.

I didn't like that. That's a bit much. And also, I bet people from the local red light area laughed at that. Can't buy me love. But Frank, there was a giant oil painting above my bed of John Lennon meeting Elvis. Oh, brilliant. It was lovely. It was beautifully fashioned.

I happily sleep under that. How marvellous. Yeah. That sounds good. And then I had to do my slot for this morning, which went well, although I trod on the presenter's toe, which I didn't think was a very good thing. Did you? Five inch heels. Yeah. What, to shot him up? No, no, I did it

unintentionally. Oh, okay, fair enough. It was Alison Hammond. I trod on her toe. Oh. And Frank, the taxi driver, invited me to the taxi driver's sports and social hall. They've got a sports and social hall? Yeah. Yeah. I graciously declined. They don't look sports and social hall? Yeah. I graciously declined. They don't look like they have to though.

Taxi drivers? What happens? They have gigs there and all the seats are facing the opposite direction. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. What Skinner on Absolute Radio.

What was we talking about? Well, I was telling you about my trip to Liverpool. Ah, yes. And I was in a Beatles-themed hotel called A Hard Day's Night. I once stayed in a Dame Kelly Holmes-themed hotel in Kent. Uh-huh. It was all right. I thought they overdid it a little bit.

And, uh... When I filled in my... You know, you have to fill in... Basically, you just fill this in at reception. Oh, yeah, the registration form. They said, just put your name and your home's address. And I thought, no... LAUGHTER

That's rubbish. I said you've got to do a bit better. Do you want someone to... Kelly, your bag's up to your room. You know what you want someone to... Kelly your bags up to your room. Kelly your bags! They just... There was no rooms named. It was just part of their general chit-chat.

They were encouraged to. I think they were on some sort of bonus scheme. In a hard day's night, you see, carry that weight. That's what the porter did for you. Oh, Mannix. They were all over that. We've had a suggestion in from Dan Pearce, who's tweeted us, was this hotel down a long and winding road?

Yeah, tremendous, Dan. I love that, Dan. I think Dan Pearce might have been a character in The Archers. That doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes him fictional. He's Jonathan Pearce's son, so he's quite loud. Yeah, I bet he is. Yeah, what's this hotel down there? Look at what I'm enrolled!

Like father, like son. I have to say, I just went to the toilet. Yes, I'm human. And they always play, when you go to the toilet, you hear Absolute Radio being played, because they're playing in the halls. Oh, I know what you're going to talk about now. But they actually, they're playing Absolute 80s at the moment.

Now, this is complicated, because some of you might be listening to this on Absolute 80s. What happens with this show, it goes out on Absolute Radio starting at 8 in the morning and then it goes out on all their digital relatives starting at 9. So we're slightly staggered. With different tunes. Yeah. So I just heard myself talking about my... the whole tough thing going on.

Oh. I have to say, it wasn't anywhere near as funny as I imagined it. Well, that's the mistake of listening to... I'd say it was dull. But it's also why... I don't review it whilst we're still in it. It's also why we get texts in. It's left me with a terrible feeling of desolate emptiness. We do get

texts in from people that are listening to what we think of as the first hour during our second hour. Well, we've kicked a massive hole in the whole time space continuum. But consequently, we are now getting texts telling us that

the Chuckle Brothers are alive and the Everly Brothers. Someone's saying the Everle Brothers are alive and the Everly Brothers... Someone's saying the Everly Brothers are dead. That's not true. That could be very, very latest news. No, did you see this, Alex? I think that the Everly Brothers listened to my... I'd go into the dentist's material and killed themselves.

Apparently the Everly Brothers are still alive. Don is 75, Phyllis 73. Phyllis? That's a strange name for a person. alive. Don is 75, Phyllis 73. Phyllis? That's a strange name for a person. I'm Don and this is my brother Phyllis. What are you smiling at, Don?

Another argument kicks in. They always fought. They were the precursor of the Gallaghers. In many ways. Beautiful, silky harmonies there. Still that's enough about their hairspray. Frank.

Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Hold it. Email Corners. Hold it. Email Corner. Beautiful. Well, this is an email that I think would probably involve a little bit of explanation, but it begins, and I don't know how you feel about this, Frank.

I'm not cock-a-hoop about this. Hello, Emily. Just directly to Emily no no sort of courtesy of hey alan hey frank get used to it my friend you're not cockerel hoop i'm not cockerel hoop he continues you may remember me from a couple of weeks ago i was the fellow that gave you an offer of a night out in birmingham oh which one i noticed i think he kick-started this whole night's move thing. I noticed since then you have, unsurprisingly, had many potential suitors

so I thought maybe I should up the ante slightly. Firstly... I don't know if someone who fancies older women should use the phrase up the ante. Mike, don't ruin my chances. Firstly, can I please say ignore Frank's description of my hometown, Tipton. I've got to say, it's an accurate description,

but I no longer live there, and I'm not a typical product of Tipton. I'm not a rag and bone man. I don't have a horse in my front garden. I've never been to prison, and I have a career and a full set of teeth. I never said... That's more than you've got.

Let's be honest. A career or a full sentence. I never said they went, all I said was they have a horse on the front garden. That was all. That's all he said. I think you may have said he was a rag and bone man. Well, that's why they've got a horse on the back garden. He continues,

I now live in central Birmingham. Slap bang in the middle of the village. Birmingham's gay district brackets I'm hoping this may increase my chances of you joining me on a night out I've attached a couple of recent photos which I hope will aid your decision

or they may send you running a mile I'm not sure looking forward to hearing from you Danny and he's attached a couple of pictures well I know I've been perusing them at some length this morning in one he looks like a mod. He's got a Fred Perry with the top button done right up. We forwarded them to Dan Kelly-Holmes,

and she ran them up. Frank, can I just say, I've looked at the evidence, the photographic evidence. Danny, I think he's got it going on. It's working for me. Aye, aye, aye. Breakthrough. What I would like to ask at this juncture it's a crucial question and your manager's choosing it to come over and get a biscuit just at this moment yes my manager i should say is an alsatian it was it was a bet i had with

an old fortune teller it's worked out though out, though, hasn't it? Down rover. Better than that frog I had before. But Frank, Frank, Frank. Yes, sorry. What do we think of this? When he says, I think it's also a very well-constructed email, which G-S-O-H is my most important criteria. What I like is a very well-constructed she-mail. Frank.

But, hey, that's the internet. He says he lives in the middle of the village birmingham's gay district i'm hoping this may increase my chance of you joining me so what i'm saying is well you know what i'm saying frank is he or isn't he are you saying is this a date or it might be it might be a lovely yeah lovely night out yeah yeah is this a date or am i your liza manelli you're gonna step out to the theater together um well i'm not looking for a David guest right now. Well, we'll come back to this debate because, I mean, hopefully we can discover it just by looking at the photographs.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We're in the midst of a... We're doing some detective work. Emily's been wooed by a man, and she's been wooed before. That's what Jonathan Ross told me. He said she'd be very rude. And that works as well, I like that.

She has been wooed by a man from Tipton who lives in the village in Birmingham. The village! I am not a number! So we're trying to find out if he's a village people. He looks handsome. What do you think of the pictures, Frank? We've got photographs. I think he looks well-dressed and in good shape, so he's gay.

Oh, Frank. Or it could be that he's young. Well, exactly. He could just be young. And have a great fashion sense. He does have a glass of beer in front of him, but as you always say, Frank, judge you not. Do you know what that picture where he's got the glass of beer looks like?

That, to me, is your classic holiday snap. Because he's got a tan. He's got a tan. And what did your driver say, Frank, about having... He's got a small beer in front of him. Yeah, never go out with anyone in the summer because everyone looks good with a tan. Is that right?

Vanessa felt the exception to the rule. It doesn't really work anymore, does it? Because people have tans all the year round. It's like when I was a kid, we had seasonal fruit. Back in the day. That's gone now, you can just get everything all the time. That's what people want nowadays. They want everything, they want it now.

Frank, this Danny... Yes, darling. I love that moment. How old do you think he is though he looks awfully young doesn't he say how old they are to try and tease you i thought he'd said in a previous i don't think he has he's 20s he looks he looks very post beat max he was born yeah he's definitely. Don't bring up anything before the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh, God, I'm going to be stuck with stress on this date. Well, I'd be glad it's just that. Someone had to say it, didn't they?

Anyway, just because he lives in the village in Birmingham doesn't mean he's necessary. Obviously, it'd be love. We're not suggesting for a second it would be a negative thing for him to be gay, but it does change the nature of the date. That's what we're saying. That's what we're saying. And it's right next to Chinatown. Is it? In Birmingham. I say Chinatown.

It's got three restaurants. Oh, lovely. Do you know, I once went to Beijing and I was insulted. Is that a restaurant in Birmingham? No, no, it is a city. And there wasn't an England town. No, no. Is that a restaurant in Birmingham? No, no, it is a city and there wasn't an England town. No, no. Is that fair? No. I thought, you know,

go out, get a nice bit of Yorkshire pudding. Nothing. To me, it has to be two-way and it doesn't count. I'll bear that in mind. That's why we've never... Anyway. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had another texting on the Everly brothers. Didn't one of the Everly's sprogs just dump Axel Rose? It's a brutal text, isn't it? It is, yes. It's a monosyllabic words like sledgehammers. Sprog and dump. I didn't know that.

So one of the Evelyns' daughters, I presume, has just dumped Axel Rose. Yeah, yeah, that text is from Dr Seuss, who likes monosyllabic. I wouldn't want him being an angry ex. He could turn... Who, Dr Seuss? No.

You don't want threatening letters in rhyme. Axel Rose. Fine. That's who you don't want as an ex. Just putting that out there. Are we still technically in email corner? I think we're in the outskirts of town.

Okay. The village. Can I get a quick one in then? Do it. Dear Frank Allen and the lovely Emily. He said it, not me. Is that all you're going to read? That'll do. I thought that was a really interesting email. Welcome back, Frank. I've been all you're going to read out? That will do. I thought that was a really interesting email. Welcome back, Frank. I've been saving up this question to ask your and your team's opinion.

Which one of us is weird? In case, welcome back, Frank. I should explain to the listeners that I was in a coma for two years. Yeah. I've recently returned from... Thank you to the music of Chris de Boer. Welcome. I've recently returned from a holiday where the music of Christopher Burr. I welcome it. I've recently returned from a holiday

where we rented a house in Cornwall. My friend had one bedroom and always slept with the bedroom door open. Apparently everyone in his family does the same. That's a hint, isn't it? Yeah. I'd have thought that was a hint. Oh, God.

I slept with my bedroom door shut. That's a hint. Everyone in my family does this and I was considered weird for doing so. Needless to say, I think it's weird to sleep with the bedroom door shut that's a hint everyone in my family does this and i was considered weird for doing so needless to say i think it's weird to sleep with the bedroom door open what do you and the team think which one of us is weird that's from rob might be one to ask the listeners that i always sleep with it i used to lock my bedroom door i used to lock it and and my girlfriend i think thought i was trying to keep her in but um i just locked

it because you know i don't want the door to be kicked down by four men in balaclavas who keep me prisoner for like a week until i actually finally spill out my pin number that seemed to me to be reasonable whereas i'm actively recruiting for that frank i think that's all those days of whippets i think that's your dog days. Well, we didn't want him in the room. Oh, yeah. Well, let's find out if people sleep with him and why. And also, there's something weird, isn't there,

about sending an email into the show and not asking Emily out. Yeah, that is odd. That's unusual now. That is odd. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Isn't this the top of the hour when I say this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and all that? Too late. The moment's gone.

Was that you saying that? Yeah, you can text us at 8.12.15. Emily Dean, by the way, don't mention her or she'll hold it against me forever. Oh, I very much will. Yes. Frank, I very much will. Yes. Frank, I have to say, I'm very much a total door-open woman. Weird. If anyone's just tuned in, this is not euphemism.

No, no. We're on about, one of our listeners always sleeps with his door shut and he shared a room, so one of us always sleeps with their, or shared a house with, always shut. I mean, shared rooms. Someone who always sleeps with their... Or shared a house with. Always open. No, not open. Oh, yes, open. I've never shut it.

Permanently. I can't... I think it's very sleazy and a bit Pete Doherty to have it shut. What's going on? What have you got to hide? Keep it open. I find it strange. Surely if you are brought up sleeping with your bedroom door open permanently,

what your parents are not doing is equipping you to stay in hotels as an adult. Yeah, how did you get on at the Hard Day's Night Hotel? Exactly. It was great. I woke up with no possessions. Yeah. I don't know what you're saying about the people of Liverpool. No, I was just meaning the generic hotel stays. That's what I was saying. I'm imagining it was a four-poster bed,

but instead of, like, a canopy, it was a big mop top. That'd be nice. Yeah. That'd be good. Oh, yeah. It was a bit submarine-y. But how do you manage in hotels? I manage very, very successfully.

But do you have to have, like, a fake door inside the door? I make an exception for a hotel. I don't mind that. Clearly, you couldn't save the hotel. No. So it obviously makes sense to have your door shut. Don't judge. Don't you judge my habits.

At home, I like to have the door open. It's my background. I always had it open. Do we have a background? My parents were very... It's part of our culture. You slept in a Wild West saloon. ...loosh and bohemian, and we were very open-minded.

OK, well, we weren't. We were just desperately trying to keep warm. As most of the family slept in the room, we might as well have left it open, I suppose. A little bit of air out wouldn't have been a bad idea. Nevertheless, if I keep listening, me and him shared a bed in the early days. Mm-hm.

Yeah. Then it happened. Bonks. That was exciting when the bonks turned up. Oh, yeah. I think I went lower, he went higher, if I remember rightly. Mm-hm. I don't know.

Then he started drinking, he couldn't do the stairs, we had to swap. Probably for the best, in case he wet the bed as well. Yeah, exactly, you don't want to be lying there thinking, as if you were sleeping in some subterranean cave. Exactly. This is the nicest conversation. Well, honestly, what's getting on my nerves, by the way,

is the Go Compare adverts now. They've joined in with the fact that people hate the Go Compare man. Oh, really? I tell you, we're in with this. We know that. People think it's clever, don't they? It's a tat now by Stuart Piers. No, that doesn't make you OK

because you've turned on one of your employees. That makes you better. A bloke who's done so much to publicise you, you're now treated like dirt and humiliated. It doesn't make me think, oh, yeah, I'm going to go on the Go Compare website. They're nice to people. So, anyway, what will we say?

He could put in a complaint about bullying in the workplace, couldn't he? Yeah. I don't know. I think you should bring out a new version called Go Tribunal. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Technically, I haven't actually got a bedroom door. We're on the top floor.

Oh, I see. A conversion. There's a door down some steps, but, yeah, we're in a loft conversion. So you go through your bedroom door and then up some steps? Yeah, but we leave it ajar conversion, so... Oh, so you go through your bedroom door and then up some steps? Yeah, but we leave it ajar anyway so that we can hear, you know... Well, then it's not a door, it's ajar. Yeah, exactly.

If I remember the old gag, I thought we'd throw it in there. There'll be young people who haven't heard it and thought, blimey, that's clever. When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. Yeah? Yeah. It's brilliant. Of course, young people won't know the word ajar. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Many of them won't know what a door is. Do you think? Yeah. Why? Because of open plan Scandi architecture? Yeah, exactly. No, because of comprehensive education. Oh, Frank.

General ignorance, is that what you're saying? Yeah, general ignorance. I blame him. But I'm glad we're talking about the rules of living here, in terms of door open, door closed. Are you now? I am, and I'll tell you why. Go on. Because I've had an incident.

I have had what I believe the youth would call an epic fail. I've tried. I've tried to enforce a no eating in my car rule. Now, I'll be honest, in the past I've had a Marks and Spencer sandwich or a scotch egg or whatever, but I do a reasonable amount of travelling in the vehicle. And so I've started saying, look, I think we should not eat in the car. No eating in the car.

What's your logic? Well, it's... Food's expensive. No, it's not that. It's almost like it's my kind of... If I'm in it, I'm in it for quite a while, so it's just nice to have it a bit tidy and not be sitting in, you know, mess.

No, but you can say eat in the cart and then, you know, fold up all the wrapping and take that with you. Yeah, it doesn't really happen like that. You end up with bits of pastry. I mean, it was a particular low was when I got... It's a pastry. Who have you got in there, Mr Kipling?

Children and my wife, my errant wife. I mean, I got in the other day and there was some, you know, the plastic, the wax that you get off a baby bell. There was, you know, baby bell cheese. There was one of those stuck to the upholstery of the vehicle. Well, Frank has that, but it's the papal seal. I said, do you know how much the depreciation will be on that it drops off if i'm if i'm reading a ball when i'm driving a papal ball sometimes a bit of the seal will come all over your car frank so i said i love they

am can i have a clap for they am ied back to Black Country complete. They are mere old, they are. Sorry, Alan. I said I'd like to enforce a no eating in the car rule. Days have passed and then we're in the car, all of us together, children, adult cockerels, and my wife's going, oh, I'll just give them a croissant. I'm thinking that's one of the most... That basically is crumbs. It's one of the most... That basically is crumbs.

It's one of the most crummy foods you could do, isn't it? Also one of the most carby as well. Yeah. It's like a sort of an aircraft carrier for crumbs. Exactly. A croissant. And then I said, no, we're only going on a very short journey. It was back from the swimming.

I said, we're not having croissants. Did she try to shout you down to a pan of chocolate? We didn't, but Arthur, then... That's fine, because you can do pig snout with them. The following journey... They make a great ad hoc pig snout, the pan of chocolate. The following journey, she's trying to... He's not having it.

I'm listening, but at the same time, I'm thinking, well, this is sort of relevant. Next journey, she's trying to get hand-backed sausage rolls to them. It's another... It's a cross-section. At this point, we were on the same time, I'm thinking, well, this is sort of relevant. Next journey, she's trying to hand back sausage rolls to them. It's another, it's a crumb fest. At this point, we were on the motorway, and I said, no, no, you're not handing back a sausage roll. And my wife goes, what? Is it a no-eating rule? And I said, I've said several times, no eating in the car.

And she goes, oh, well, I didn't realise you meant no eating. I went, what do you want me to do? Put the rules in writing. And she went, yes, please. And I, and this is where I'd overreached in the argument, I went, right, I'll get them laminated if you want. My wife knows that I'm not a high achiever or a doer. She knows that there's no danger of me getting the rules laminated. So she called my bluff.

She went, good, I'd like to see that. I'd like to see the rules laminated. You're not tempted to call her bluff. I am, but unlike you two, I haven't got a PA that can just do it. If I could delegate this task, it would be great. You need to work harder. The person I would delegate it to would be my wife. You'd make me feel bad about it for being more successful.

But I'm keen to know if I'm in the wrong or... See, if it was me, if there was crumbs in the car, just get a new car. Thanks. You sound like Chris Evans now. Sorry. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So in the course of our mid-music conversation,

I discover that the cockerel is something of a despot in the car. Do you know what? I like it to be a bit sort of clean and weirdly, I don't apply these rules in my own home, which my wife also pointed out. You know, why are you so tired in the car? And I said, because it's like my toolbox. It's my one

work tool other than a laptop. Is that your shed? Yeah, I need it. I need it. It just sucks. It aids my driving concentration. There used to be a comic on the circuit, I remember, always used to brush his teeth before he went on stage, and he used to say, I need to clean my instrument.

Nice! See? We've had a text in. Hi guys, I'm totally with Alan here. Surely people can wait until they're sitting at a table. I hate seeing people chomping food all over the place. Not actually the point I'm totally with Alan here, surely people can wait until they're sitting at a table. I hate seeing people chomping food all over the place. Not actually the point I'm making. No, but the point I'm making... The point I'm making is I want my car nice and clean and tidy.

Yeah, but the other part you made, that your wife was forbidden to phone her own father because you were enjoying a song on the radio. There was a song on the radio on the same journey. Victorian patriarch. I'd already said, oh, I like this song. I turned it up slightly

and then she turned it back down to take a call from her dad that she knew was just a, like, oh yeah, we've set off type thing. Unnecessary. Anyway, I think these car rules are important. When I get them laminated, I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what Kath does. My girlfriend Kath. She'll take a bottle of water in the car and she'll drink about half of it and then leave the other half of the bottle of water just rolling about. In your footwell? She sits in the back, you see. Oh really? It's wear a shoe i wear a black leather show and we just drive around and

around and i just watch her in the rear view mirror no no because the baby seats in the back so um so yeah so in the back every now and again you know the sound of a plastic water bottle when dropped? Oh, it's nothing worse. Yeah, and I always think, I hope that's your ankle. Hank! They're rolling about. When I'm in there on my own, I can hear them rolling about. I find that really weird. Rolling in the deep.

They are rolling in the deep. I'll tell you what I did find. When did I buy my car? What, three months ago? Four months? Oh, getting on that. Four months ago. I found a drinks holder.

It's got one of those drinks holder things. Did Kylie not talk you through all the different facilities? I should be so lucky. Anyway, a drinks holder. And I thought, that's just a job, because I'm often having to cradle in my crotch a rather too hot drink. Do you know, I haven't been able to find it again since. I can't remember where it was.

I've lost it. I've lost it. Is it your armrest or again since? I can't remember where it was. I've lost it. Is there a button? It's no good guessing. I've looked everywhere. It's open to abuse the drink holder. I don't have that. I'm not strict though in the car. I don't mind it getting a bit messy. I think I'm becoming a bit strict.

In a way I hate cars so I don't really care whether they're well cared for. You're not strict. You don't go coasters, is what I call it. No, not in a car. To me, a car is... You told me to mind the door once. Did I?

Yeah, you were worried about the paper. You had just bought it. Yeah, we were driving and I had mine closed and you had yours open. And I thought I was taking things too far. Let's face it, isn't a car just a sofa with itchy feet? Yeah. Maybe. Hi, Alan Frank and Co.

You know what's worse than sausage roll in a car? A flake, all flaky and melty. Oh, yeah, that's another thing, chocolate in the car. Also, a husband once tried to convince me that yogurt was acceptable car food. No, no, it's not. Yeah, but once you've banned the flight, what's next, eczema? It's becoming like Nazi Germany.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. It's not on the subject of car rules, but someone's texted in, my Absolute Radio reception keeps breaking into someone speaking French. Sort it out, Frank. No, that's Frank. He's just got some of those new language tapes. Like they're bossiness.

What, Rosetta Stone? Yeah, you love Rosetta Stone. You think they're on the Rosetta Stone? I'm sorry if that's happening. I don't know if you're completely correctly tuned. Sounds like, maybe not. You're gathering our friends from across the channel.

I've not got a no French rule in the car. I'm fine with people speaking other languages. It's just the eating, really. And also, you know, that which by we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet, or whatever he said. Yeah. You know. Do you have Shakespeare in the car? Is that acceptable?

That's allowed, yeah. I'm welcome, indeed. You know, if my wife's going to pass sausage rolls back to the children, why not just say, hey, Alan, can we stop for a picnic? Why don't we just re-present it as a picnic? Yeah, but in the winter, that's impractical. I like the use of re-present.

You're saying it like a rapper, there. Re-present it. It're saying it like a rapper there. Represent. Yeah, yeah. Represent it. I once had a massive... That one cost 30 cent or so. I said it once, but I had a massive row with a girlfriend in a car. Oh, yeah. And we got to her house and I said, right, get out. I said, that's it.

Oh, dear. I said, that's it. I can't take this anymore. And she said, I'm not getting out. I said, just get out. That's it. So she got out. And as she she said, I'm not getting out. I said, just get out. That's it. So she got out. And as she got out...

Was the car parked at that stage? Yeah. It was... I slowed to about 30. Yeah. Good on you. No, no. So she got out.

And as she got out, she grabbed my car keys out of the car. Oh, no. And I got out of the car to try and get her back. And she just threw them straight down the drain. She did not. It was drain. She did not. She did not. It had just become the new year. It was about 4am, and we'd been to a New Year's Eve party.

So I grabbed her by the lapels, and we fell back. We were lying on the bonnet of the car. I don't know how it sounded with the lapels. It sounded a bit John Bishop. Yeah. What do you mean by that? And I was saying, oh, golly,

and of course you can't hit him. That's my car. Thanks. That's my car roll. Even if... On the body. No matter how angry you can't hit him. Thanks.

So how did you get the keys back? Did you have to roll your sleeve up and stick your hand down a drill? Well, I had to start... I ended up having... Because it was her flat. I had to end it up staying the night. Oh.

And then we made up. It was a good tactic. Oh, yeah. And then I had to go to a local garage. As simple as that. You couldn't fish it back out. It's a story that peters out somewhat towards the end. Oh, I don't let.

It's a happy ending. I don't let that spoil me telling them. Yeah. It's a happy ending in many ways. But now, so it was, there's nothing like wrestling on a car bonnet with your girlfriend at four o' ending in many ways. But no, so it was... There's nothing like wrestling on a car bonnet with your girlfriend at four o'clock in the morning. It was next to a block of flats and all these lights were coming on

because people could hear the shouting and swearing and all that. Ah, happy days, I believe is the phrase one should say at this point. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've heard from the outside world in particular responding to my car rules, which I was trying to enforce and failing. Someone said the cockerel sounds like Victorian dad from Viz.

What kind of car is it? What kind of car it is is not the point. Although that's very much the kind of question you'd ask. Well, if it was a mobile snack bar... You were talking to me about... Your rules would be even more ridiculous. They'd be even more germane, surely. You don't eat in a functioning kitchen, do you?

You don't eat in a functioning kitchen. In like a working... You're not allowed to eat in a pub kitchen Or like a Ramsey kitchen I only see kitchens when I do formal visits With the old white hat on You need to put the white hat on Yeah, beard net

I just always make sure I keep a tidy work surface I've told you that And we've had a text in Saying Why not just pay for a valet before solo excursions? Let the kids eat pies. I thought as a car, like if it's a car cleaner, we'd call it a valet, wouldn't you?

But you have valet parking, don't you? Isn't a valet a person and a valet a clean? I'm not sure that's correct. But I like the let the kids eat pies. Let the kids eat pies. Sounds like it's from Marie Antoinette. Well, it says it's from Ian, but I think it's actually from my wife pretending to be Ian. Yeah, exactly.

You know, in the interest of balance, yeah. Frank, we're moving into a higher vibration. Not my words. Speak for yourself. But the words of Coronation Street's Ken Barlow. Oh, yes. Well, technically not. I think he was speaking as himself.

William Roach, yeah. He's turned into a bit of an apocalyptic prophet. He's always had something of the mystical about him, William Roach. Yeah. Yes, yeah. But he's now saying he was interviewed for a paranormal magazine called Silent Voices.

Huh? Yeah. Good job it's not. Not much in that magazine. Good job it's not an audio magazine. The Talking Book of Silent Voices. Huh? Yeah. Good job it's not. Not much in that magazine. Good job it's not an audio magazine. The Talking Book of Silent Voices. It's rubbish. That's right.

And he's had a lot to say, Frank. Well, I think we'd better play some music and we'll come back, because I'm keen. But to be fair to him, he's always... We're going to play Keen. Yeah, no. Happily not. He's one of life's great explorers William Roach, he's always seeking

new horizons that's why he's had the same part for 52 years This will be the golden age when a majority will know they are loved. A majority will know they are loved. No, not loved. No, just love.

I think this was Ken Barlow again. I think he went a bit Corrie, Mancunian. Will know they are loved. I'll tell you one of his quotes. What about this? He says, some people think that December the 12th, because it's the 12th of the 12th, 12th will be the end of the world. Oh, is that right?

Oh, I am. It's a Mayan thing. I thought it was to do with double 666. Oh, I thought it was a Mayan calendar thing. Well, it is. It's also a Mayan calendar. That's you, Mayan, Mayan, Mayan. But he says it.

He said it won't be the end of the world. Which I don't know about you. It's took a loan off my mind. Ken Barlow has spoken. I've only got six weeks to low MG, so better hurry up. Yeah, exactly. He says what will happen is that negative and material things will cease to be. Well, that's ITV gone.

So what's going to happen to Coronation Street? Was his whole interview about built-in obsolescence? Was that who he was talking about? Oh, you've got to love him, though. He says he predicts that soon people will communicate regularly by telepathy. Yeah. It's going to kill this show, won't it? People will turn on it and just be us looking at each other.

Frank, there's a logical explanation for that. A hermiopathic doctor appeared to him in a dream and communicated to him by his astral plane. Yeah, I hate it when that happens. I know. I like the comments underneath. You know, you were talking about... What he wants to do is sleep the door shut.

I mean, his astral door. I've heard that William Roach sleeps with his astral door open but he is 80 to be fair Frank one of the comments underneath said the guy needs prayer he ain't cooking with both burners I enjoyed that

well he's 80 poor old yeah but he's got something about him his girlfriend's 43 isn't Yeah, but he's got something about him. His girlfriend's 43, isn't she? Oh, filthy creep. So he's 80, his girlfriend's 40. Are you calling me a filthy creep or William Rowan? The jury's out.

I think we can safely say he's come up trumps. I'm 37, so I'm in between him and his girlfriend. He claims to have bedded, and I say bedded, which you only ever say in the tabloids. He's bedded over 1,000 women. Yeah, well... And Tony Blackburn. It's always the good looking, isn't it? And Tony Blackburn.

No! Wow, that's some tally. He's bedded over 1,000 women and Tony Blackburn in brackets. Well, I say brackets. They were more like stirrups. Anyway. Judge you not. That's quite a thing to end on. It's time to get out.

Coming off to Tony Blackburn's head. I'm sorry, I got fed up with the stirrups. Has it gone that way? Has it gone to carry on absolute mew? Oh, by the way, if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week

so thank you very much for listening as ever we love you all and that makes me very proud