The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - #HateFilms

Episode Date: October 18, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. It's the week after Frank's Doctor Who appearance and the team discuss 'it's Perkins'. Also this week Frank, Emily and Alun chat about #hatefilms-gate, U2's apology, sneeze logging and uncomfy shoes.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8 12 15 or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show the old-fashioned way via the Absolute Radio website. Bit of Aznavour early on. We occasionally get a snail mail letter, don't we? An actual pen and paper

letter every now and again, don't we? Yeah, we do. I get the odd answer. Yeah, but we make Daisy the producer open them just in case. Better safe than sorry. If I can see lined paper through the envelope, I panic. But yes, we do get some letters now and again. So, Frank, how's your week been? When's the last time you had a telegram?

Can you send a telegram? Oh. Is that possible? I don't think I've ever had one, but I think I could probably send one if I put my mind to it. If I wanted to send you a telegram this week, how would I go about that? Oh, let's send a telegram to someone.

I'd love to do that. I imagine you would just ask your PA to sort out a telegram to the cocker, wouldn go about that? Oh, don't send a telegram to someone. I'd love to do that. I imagine you would just ask your PA to sort out a telegram to the cocker, wouldn't you? Surely that's how it works for you. Yeah, yeah. But if I wanted to send you one, it would be an undertaking. Stop on it and stop. I'd have to do jokes.

Of course you'd have to do jokes. What about the fact that I'm old enough to remember receiving a telegram congratulating me on my appearance in Dare the Triffids? Wow. Wow. That's old. It was some relatives in New Zealand, they're quite behind.

How anxious are you, Alan? I feel a bit tense, yeah, I'm not going to lie. In a minute, Emily's going to realise she said that on air. You know, we've started the show. Uh-oh. Yeah, but they were New Zealanders, they didn't understand. I imagine it's still the main form of communication in New Zealand. I would imagine so, yeah.

Orchestral, I think they used. Not orchestral. Frank, I think... That'd be a good band. Kestrel Maneuvers in the Dark. If you start... Another one of your brilliant ideas. If you start an entertainment, for all-night entertainment.

You could have hawking people who illuminated the hawks and sent them out at night, and it'd be like a... Anyway, moving on. When we did cover band titles, Kestrel Maneuvers in the Dark never came up to me. That would have been good. It would have been fabulous. Alan, how much longer shall we torture him for

by not mentioning the Doctor Who appearance? The what? Because it's all he's wanted to talk about for the last five minutes. But I do worry we might drive people away. Well, we could talk about your other television appearances this week. You've never been off there, have you?

Let's not go on and on. Yes, it was brilliant. Well, you can't say that. It was brilliant. No, I mean the experience was brilliant. I don't mean that I was no i mean i mean the experience was brilliant i don't mean that i was brilliant by any means well trevor feelgood says i had a tear in my eye when perkins walked off the tardis will he be back i hope so well i don't you know people that's one thing that happens to people who are in doctor who is that every interview that i do after people ask

me if they're coming back i'm just happy just to be there once was a great joy, and that's enough. And not to get greedy. I've had this conversation with a lot of women over the years. Don't go on about coming back. Yeah, it's, yeah. Can I say in an irony-free moment on the show, I thought you were absolutely brilliant. Yes. Honestly, Frank, I was nervous, I won't lie.

I thought you might be looking at your watch and sighing a bit in the background, building up your part. Like Mickey Rooney. Yes. Milton Keynes. But you were absolutely marvellous. A star is born. I think you might go to Hollywood. I think you'll get offers after this.

Frankie goes to Hollywood. What about if they rung up like the expendables no and david could be in that i i think the undatables might ring up um i um have you had offers i think you will no i don't think really remember you're watching through the eyes of love okay oh that's nice yeah um yes download that for me my best review my best review of the week was as I left mass on Sunday morning, I heard the priest say, Oh, there's Doctor Who's friend.

Loved it. What about, Frank, though? I got quite obsessed by it after I watched it. So I wanted to find out more information about your character. Maybe you're going to be obsessed with Doctor Who. I know. Well, I looked up up and on uh bbc iplayer there was a whole section called it's perkins what's honestly really do you know about that i miss that it's perkins exclamation mark it has all your characteristics it says he's sharp with a dry sense of humor and it refers to your canniness. Yeah, my canniness.

But you turned down the big job, didn't you, in the show? Yes, which, yeah, was tricky. Because when I read it for the first time, obviously I didn't know it was coming, so they said, why don't you come and join me on... And I thought... And then I said, nah, you're all right. No, you're all right, as Ringo Starr once said to a mate of mine who asked him for an autograph. No, you're all right. No, you're all right, as Ringo Starr once said to a mate of mine

who asked him for an autograph. No, you're all right. No, I don't think you understand it, Ringo. I actually want... Oh, it's a funny old world. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 151 has pointed out,

Perkins has been my favourite could-be companion. He was actually of use to help the Doctor, unlike most other companions. Yeah, right. I like that about your character. And that was genuine acting, wasn't it? Because it's not that long ago... It's not gone too far.

It's not that long ago that you were saying that you didn't help someone carry a table up some stairs. And there you are helping him fix a quite complicated bit of kit. Yes, well, there is that. That's action, isn't it? You're right, yeah, I did join in a bit. I understood quite a lot of it as well. Because I always worry, this is my issue with Doctor Who,

is there's too many flux capacitors or whatever and I won't understand it. Yes. Fixed all those last series. I mean, I'm not going to lie. When I saw it on the train, I've never been so happy. They all had lovely 30s outfits, that Foxes were singing. I thought, this is lovely, nice champagne glasses.

Actually. Then some space thing happened and I thought, oh, no. Yeah, then there's a lot of hairy scientists. Yeah, I like that bit. Yeah, then there's a lot of hairy scientists. Yeah, I like that bit. Yeah, it was... I... They brought out two posters last week. One was a Radio Times thing, which you could download.

And the other one was... The show sort of brings one out every week. Yeah. And they're both already framed on my wall. Oh, that was quick. Less than a week. You didn't waste time. Pronto print indeed.

Was it? Eh? Pronto. Talk about showing your age. Yeah. I'll tell you, Frank, the mummy was scary. Yeah. Yes. Oh, it was scary. It was. It's funny that son of Alfie and tea and biscuits with him. Did he have his legs crossed? Please tell me he had his legs It was. It's funny that I'm sort of having tea and biscuits with him.

Yes, did he have his legs crossed? Please tell me he had his legs crossed. The catering. Saying, it's a great little theatre actually, love. Exactly, it was cigarette. I must say, I had it. No, he was more sporty than that. Anyway, can I, I read some reviews. Why did you do that? Because I never read reviews and I thought this would be an experience.

Can I say they were largely? I'll admit, were largely very positive and lovely, and that's great. And we've also had lots of nice emails and texts, and thank you very much indeed. Lots and lots, yeah. But, of course, it is the nature of comedy. There's no point reading out a good review, so I want to read out a couple of... Oh, you're not going to... Can I just tell you this one? Frank Skinner plays Frank Skinner in a hat.

one uh frank skinner plays frank skinner in a hat and another book said that i was like dick van dyke in mary poppins and he meant he meant that as a bad thing oh right so i think the idea is i got the accent wrong you have worked on it for a long time though i love dick van dyke yeah i i'd be happy with um what i call dvd extras more than one one three said i don't normally watch doctor who right back at you um but because you were starring i did and when you said you were the chief engineer i was very proud because i'm also a chief engineer as you know we make the wheels of the world go around well done you were the chief engineer, I was very proud because I'm also a chief engineer. As you know, we make the wheels of the world go round. Well done, you were brilliant. Thanks. That's exciting. I was hoping I'd unearth a few chief

engineer supporters. That is brilliant news. One of these posters, by the way, Jenna Coleman isn't mentioned. It says Mommy on the Express starring Peter Capaldi and Frank Skinner. Oh, in some sort of civil partnership.

Oh, I think that was, that must have slipped through, that one. But can I just tell you this? And I know adverts are on the way. Don't worry if you're waiting for them. I had, I went to eat this week and I got a fruit cocktail kind of

thing. I love that story. It was called Carrot, Mango and Lime. I'm just talking about billings now. Carrot, Mango and Lime. And when I looked up the contents, it said Carrot, Mango, Lime and Apple Juice. And I thought, what a crap agent

Apple Juice must have to not get on the main label. That's a lesson for us all. Try Avalon. Ha! Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I tell you what I did this week. I told a joke. I mean, like, told an old joke. You know when people say two blokes are into a pub? Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I feel sick and I leave the room.

Yeah. I absolutely hate jokes. Is it broadcastable? Are we allowed to hear? I hate jokes. Do you like, yeah. It's my worst thing ever. It's something I forgot. It's completely faded out of my life that I'm telling a joke like that. A joke that already exists rather than your own ones.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I completely acknowledged. I wasn't selling it as my own. Also, it's not quite Two Blokes Run Into A Pub. It's in the first person. How does it start? It doesn't start, did you hear the one about? That's how they all start. Well, I think it's the best joke ever written. But it's been ruined by the modern age.

Oh. Because, I must have said this to you before, because it's a joke I have... Do you know, I actually felt a little wave of nausea in my stomach. Well, I won't. Shall I not tell it? No, tell it. Oh, you can't build it up as the best joke ever written. It's very quick.

It's the one I went out with a mermaid once. Oh, yeah? Great figure. 36, 24, three and six a pound. Uh-huh. Now, that joke has been ruined. Why? Because three and six a pound is a little arcade.

It's no longer metric. And I've tried modernising it, but now... How long did you spend on that? I suppose me and a team of writers went away for a month to Antigua. And we never got there. We got to Antigua, but we didn't get to... Don't you mean Program Associates? Of course.

Well, the thing is, what you need to do is you need to get the word... Because of the price of fish now, you need to get the word pound into the price of the fish. And once you've got, it's like two pound a pound, you've killed it. What a shame. It's not worth it. Also, mermaids, they're not so up front now in popular culture.

That's true, yeah. Last time I saw one, I got a free one. They've taken a back seat somewhat, haven't they? That must be difficult. It must be. Do you tell jokes, Alan? Especially in a two-door car. I want to know if Alan tells jokes.

No, not really. No? It's a skill that's disappeared. Yeah. You say skill. And I tell my own sometimes, and even those are often... Do you tell your own in company? ...to certain people as sentences.

No. OK. Not really. You don't go, hold on, here's one of mine. No. No. Not really. You don't go, hold on, here's one of mine. If someone said to me, okay, I've got a joke, I honestly, honestly would rather they went to the bathroom on my carpet.

Honestly. What, have you got a flying carpet? There you go with your jokes. Yeah. But it's dark though, isn't it? That's fine because you're funny in conversation. If you can't be funny within the conversation, get out. Okay.

My brother, he likes telling a joke, Keith. And he has a link. So if he's got a joke to tell, he's going to tell it. So he'll say, oh, I went and... If I said to him i was on doctor who the weekend he'd say oh it's like that bloke isn't it he uh went into a pub and blah and he just tells the joke so he makes it feel like conversation but he doesn't make it he doesn't try that hard you know what i mean no and in comes the i just forgot i forgot the thrill of it it's

a lot it's like doing a cover version. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's the nice thing about it, because often you do your own jokes and you're not sure about them, but if you do an old joke, there's love in it, that's why you're doing that joke. Do you know what? I feel like this about cover bands. When you see a cover band be brilliant and you go,

oh, wow, that's amazing, it sort of dawns on me whenever I see a really good cover band that is deeply arrogant to only play your own songs, isn't it? Because you're basically going, these are better than all of the ones that we could have picked for you. I don't like the sound of this. I feel you're moving towards justifying comedy writers. Skinner, Dean and Cochran.

Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. Now, I'll tell you who we need to talk about today. It's you two, Frank. It's who? Yeah, because this was this big story this week. They've been eating humble pie. Yes.

I never thought that would happen. No. Yep. They've actually apologised. Poor yes she um they um we um if you remember i um played those of you listen to this show live i played um you two last week and in the middle of it i uh interrupted and spoke over a record which is something i've never done before, basically to get my own back for the way they interrupted my iTunes. I had something of the feel of the abdication announcement.

Yes. I think people thought it was a noose. They thought the Queen had gone. There's a lot of people all in their breath at home. But no, it was just me messing about. I was interviewed this week on a radio station called The Bee. Have you ever heard of it? No. I hear there's a buzz

about it, though. And I was interviewed by the Breakfast DJ, and he asked me about what I thought about the iTunes U2 thing, and I said, oh, well, I played a record last week by U2 and then in the middle of it I interrupted to get my own back

and he said, oh, I'm having that. No. He didn't. He did, yeah. No. He actually said, oh, I'm going to steal that idea. Oh, at least he's more honest about it rather than just I'm having it as if it's a thought he's had.

Yeah, and he's a very nice bloke, and that, but I did say, you know, I hate it when people say that, I think you should be more original, go out on your own. I bet that created a nice atmosphere.

Yeah, it went a little bit downhill, after that, but, um, I don't know how that happens, in your life. maybe I overreacted, if you're listening,

Rob, sorry about that. Yeah, but, you know, you shouldn't be Watsbish on the B. No, but yeah,

but you stopped doing jokes. Sorry. But, you know, you have to be told. What about what Bono said? He put it down to... I like this. He said it was a drop of megalomania, a touch of generosity. We had this beautiful idea and we got carried away with ourselves.

I like a drop of megalomania. It sounds like a cocktail, doesn't it? There should be a cocktail with a drop of megalomania in it they've got a hotel in dublin they could sell it they have got i've stayed at that hotel the clarence i believe it's nice they could sell that i went up to they showed me the there's a there's a suite on the top floor which is like i don't know what it is several grand a night have you if you stayed at the inside in that room several grand a night. Have you stayed in that room?

Of course I have. There's a hot tub up there. There's a grand piano. I mean, for goodness sake. Yeah, but it's a nice hotel. Fair play to them. But I was very miffed about them interrupting my iTunes. And then, this is something that happened to me.

I was hosting Have I Got News for You this week. We were rehearsing in the studios. It's called London Studios on the Thames. And suddenly this really loud music came. And I said, what is that? In the middle of a rehearsal we've got music. And it was you two rehearsing in the next studio studio so they've done it again they've done it live to me oh no yeah i've never had that happen before when the sound of something so loud from another studio bleed yeah they call it in the industry quite loud as well they were they were doing graham norton and they were yes yes they were well he also get out of my life, you two.

He also said the blood, sweat and tears of some Irish guys are now in your junk mail. I've already got enough of those in my junk mail. You don't want to hear that in the current climate. My favourite thing was he said that we had this beautiful idea and we got carried away with ourselves. And he said artists are prone to that kind of thing, which is just such a brilliant way of going, you guys, you make normal, everyday, little mistakes. You make admin mistakes, you put the wrong thing in the wrong column, but we made a massive PR disaster mistake,

because we're special. It's great, isn't it? Yeah, my first thought was, oh, artists are prone to that. Have you got an easel? Well, no, I don't actually have it. No, thank you. Goodbye. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin Goodbye. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you know what? I did something this week. Well, I had a couple of things which really took me back. First of all, I phoned someone and there's this noise. And I thought, what is that? It's an engaged tone. Oh, I love that.

I can't remember the last time I heard an engaged tone. Completely. I mean, I don't normally dabble in the landline world as it is. But honestly, I'd forgotten what it sounded like. So it was a landline you were ringing, obviously. I'm thinking now, can you download an app that's got an engaged tone? Oh, that'd be good. Whose was it? I bet it was David Baddini. He hasn't paid for the voicemail app.

It was Sandy Mason. Of course it was. It was my mother-in-law. Yeah, but what a lovely walk down memory lane that was. I was almost glad she wasn't in just for that little... Oh no, she was in. What about when she was in? She was in, she was just on the phone.

I liked it when phones... She must have been in. You see, I don't even remember how it works, the engage thing. It's confusing. Yeah. Unless she had it off the hook while she was watching the telly or something. That's my mum's trick. If you phone at a certain time and you get the engage, you think either she's on the phone to Glasgow or it's off the hook.

Off the hook? I'd forgotten about that. My mother would always say, darling, can you put the phone off the hook? I don't want to talk to anyone. But I've done that in hotels. You do it in hotels thinking, I don't want to be woken up. And you take the phone off the hook.

And after about five minutes, it goes... Have you done that? It's terrifying. I've also unplugged it from the wall thinking, well, they can't do that to me then. That's a little tip for you there. Or if you knock it off, you knock it off doing activity or something. What's that? No, when you. Or if you knock it off. It's the closest I get to DIY. You knock it off doing activity or something. Oh. What's that?

Oh, right. No, no, when you wake up. Yeah. That'd be disgusting. Oh, I see. Yeah. You mean when you reach out for the sherry. Yeah, that happened to me.

But what a lovely thing, the engage tone. Yeah. Lovely. Memories. We had a joke sent in. We had a joke sent in. We had a joke sent in. We've been talking about... Don't send in jokes, generally speaking.

No, it seems patronising. I mean, two blokes went into a pub type jokes. Well, this is from David Tunnicliffe, I think. He says he's a Yorkshireman living in Sydney, Australia. And here's his joke, strap in. Still need to get you two off your iTunes. Use sandpaper. It doesn't completely remove it, but I find it takes the edge off it. That is very good. It's good.

See, that's not like, that's a proper modern joke. I think he's made that up. It's a modern twist on the edge, isn't it? The edge was on Graham Norton wearing a T-shirt and a beanie hat last night. I find it weird. Pick a team. You're hot or you're cold. Which is it? Well, he was on The Edge. He's right on The Edge at birth, isn't he?

Do you know that David, I don't think this is in David's fame show. It ought to be. What's that? But he had a young girlfriend. He had a young girlfriend. He had a young girlfriend. Filthy creep. He's not a filthy creep, in fact.

And they were at, but he was then. And they went to some showbiz do and they met. You two were there. Yeah. And the guy and the head said to her, I mean, it was a noisy sort of room, and she said, hello, I'm the edge.

And she said, Reg who? That must have been a moment when he thought, maybe I shouldn't have persevered with this name. Of course, he was the rim for five years. Yeah. Of course he was the rim for five years Yeah And in the end he was They had a stylist in who talked him out of it Absolute

Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio Lewis Bolter has tweeted us Frank and we've also had I should say a significant number of tweets this morning saying... They're a bit j'accuse in tone. I think Frank Skinner said last night on Have I Got News For You that he wasn't on Twitter.

And he is. But we should say you're not on Twitter. This is Daisy's work and Charlie's work. Yes. The show is on Twitter, isn't it? The show is on Twitter. That's your handle, isn't it? I just won't have people calling you a liar, unless it's me.

OK. Lewis Bolton, excellent scene with Perkins with his head on the side asleep. Years of practice at primary school paid off. Yeah, that is exactly right. Oh, you put your heads on your desks, did you? Yeah, we used to have this thing where she'd say, right, Miss Page, you know those ice cream cone breasts that Madonna reintroduced?

We are still on breakfast radio, are we? Yeah. Is that fine? She had that with a nylon jumper on. You know those really pointy that you don't see anymore? I saw her opening letters once with her left breast. It's terrifying. But anyway, she used to say, right, it's time for sleep.

And we just used to put our heads on the desk, on our arms, like that, and we basically went to sleep. They should do that at work. I wonder if they were drugging us, but we all seem to go to sleep. School milk. Yeah, exactly. We had school milk about half an hour beforehand. I wonder what was in it.

Yeah, it did smell a bit funny, I must say. Cow pulp. Lovely. I'm not sure that was part of the official syllabus, the sleep. I don't know if it still happens. They just couldn't be bothered in Birmingham. If there's any teachers of the primary nature listening, then if you've got the sand out your clothes this weekend, do kids still have their afternoon sleep?

Oh, I know that. They don't at my kids' school, because they come back really tired. My daughter's just lost out on a nap during the day. See, that's it, yeah. But that scene where I'm sleeping, the director very sweetly said, I'll tell you what, take your cap off, I think you should have one scene in the show

when you don't have your cap on. Oh, lovely. Turned out a little better in the cap. What if I started wearing it all the time? That'd be good. Pathetic. Would that be the most pathetic? That would be good. I'd like that. You start signing autographs.

Frank Skinner, brackets, Perkins. If I'd come in in the cap today and just not mentioned it, that I'm just going to wear this all the time. I bought the cap. I gave the mate grand for it. Oh, dear. Now I think I'm at a peak too early. Oh, I see. Jokes.

Do you think you'll get a role in Peaky Blinders now? Um, I... Well, we'll drive self. We'll bring cap. Yeah. You know, that's going to save them a few bob on the costume front. I think my manager found out. They said my accent was too realistic.

Yeah, they are a bit. Yeah. Another walk, literally a walk down memory lane I had this week. I was walking through the centre of London. I don't know if you know that large conurbation in the south-east of England. Aware of it. And for the first time for, I can't remember how many years, my shoes were really hurting me.

Oh. I properly uncomfortable shoes. Were they new? Well, they're just some shoes I've had for a while and I haven't really worn. Right. Are we talking about the back area? The blister area? Just the whole thing, I felt like I was in a terrible clamp.

And I've, I felt like I was in a terrible clamp. And I've, I just, I forgot how it's one of the most awful things. That might be an exaggeration. Oh, I think it's right up there. No, it's, I mean, it is a bad thing. You can keep your international pandemics. It was one of those when I could feel the little toes

starting to get on the next toes back. Oh, yeah. Yes. That's a good look if you do that over the years. You end up with it properly, like, just lying on there. Oh, no. That's not great, is it? Honestly, though, I'd forgotten.

And it was also one of those... I don't know if any of our listeners... Well, some of you live in London, some of you have been to London, but any big city, there was... I've never known such disrespect for flight path as there was that night. People walking right across me. I tend to abandon shoes for that reason all of the time now. Well, you've gone to flats, haven't you? Have you not?

Well... Was that a temporary...? Well, you see, the thing is... I've been meaning to talk to you about this. Why don't we come back for this in a minute? Because I think this could be a long story with quite a lot of confessional tone. The Frank Skinner Show.

Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is... Sorry, Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily, Tina and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 8-12-15 if you like. Frank was just doing a bit of karate there. That's what the... Just in case you're wondering.

Follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. People must get bored of me saying that. Once an hour? Yeah. If I said something that. Once an hour? Yeah. If I said something to you once an hour, say if we're on holiday together, wouldn't it start to drive you crazy?

Where are we? Hang on, I need more information. Tenerife. Obviously. Well, hang on, what week is it? Because I've got some stuff. I might have a scheduling clash. There used to be a double act in the old days of Music Hall. Do you remember, Dale?

Before that. Even before them. And they used to do this sort of patter, and one guy would say, Oh, everything was wrong for me. You take my holiday. The other one says, No, no, you take it.

I haven't got time. Excellent. I do like jokes. Excellent work. I don't. Now, so you've given up on the flats, I do. I haven't given up. I haven't spoken in years.

I will get them out sometimes, but I just... I've heard that. I don't think... Sorry. I was going to say you're better than that, but... Yes. I've decided you're not. No.

I just sometimes, when I'm at a cocktail party, it's nice not to feel like a child up past it's bedtime. Yeah. Because of my height restriction, I do feel this. Although you did attend quite a lot of cocktail parties as a child. I did. That's probably a flashback. Mainly exclusively. I called that tea, cocktail parties when I was growing up. So you're back in heels, basically. I wore heels, yeah, for an event which I'm going to talk about later, which I went to this week, which was the Infidel. Oh, yes, I love hearing about that. And I

committed to heels. I wore heels through a Stratford shopping centre. Patent Rupert Sanderson's. And it was fine. Okay. Can you say Sanderson's again? Sanderson's. Wow. Something amazing, isn't it? Stratford in

the east of London, or Stratford in next to the A? Stratford, east London and you know what? It's not that bad really. Do you know when actors say Stratford, you Ponovan. Oh. I love it. We know a few weeks ago I mentioned on the show

that I'd bought a pair of trainers that were nine and a half and they were doing that classic thing of fitting in the shop but not for a full day. Nine and a half, lovely. I that classic thing of fitting in the shop but not for a full day nine and a half lovely i took them i'm a 10 really i'm a 10 really but i was hoodwinked in the shop and i took them to the cobblers to try and get them stretched which sometimes can just can that does that work but it doesn't on these sadly so i'm now thinking that i could possibly wear these particular trainers just for stand-up comedy sets. Like, I could put them on behind the stage.

I've got some shoes that I would only wear, like, for a very short-term thing like that. I don't think I could do an extended set in them. Like, if someone said, rather than 20 minutes, Alan, 45 tonight, I'd have to go back to something else. That's just ridiculous. Yeah, just write a bit of material that justifies taking your shoes off. Oh, that I could do. Yeah. There you go. Sorted. Next next it's become like a i'm like an agony ant like some kind of agony ant uh i tell you what we need to talk about is michaela owen oh yes yes now michael owen brilliant what's he done well what has he done i'm gonna tell you

what he's done he he's got on the plane. I love this. He's tweeted. He's looked up. He's looked up and he said, watch, this is what he tweeted, watch my eighth film ever on the flight home. Must have been bored. Hashtag hate films.

Yeah. Then he did a list, which was brilliantly childish, which said films I have been forced to watch, like he was seven years old and this included there was Seabiscuit If he's put I've only seen one film, my first guess

for Michael Owen would be Seabiscuit I don't even think I'd need him to finish the sentence I would have gone Seabiscuit He likes the GGs doesn't he Cincinnati Kid would have been my guess It's a big gambling movie He likes the GGs, doesn't he? Cincinnati Kid would have been my guess. Would it? Why? It's a big gambling movie.

Oh, really? He likes the GGs. Yeah. He loves it. Didn't like them when he lost 40 grand. Eh? Eh? It's probably good for it, though, isn't it?

Well, we should come back to this, because I have a theory about the Seabiscuit thing, all on its own. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on absolute radio we're talking about michael owens eight films which someone on twitter suggested that there should be a film festival set up just

showing michael owens eight films he comes on and he's interviewed by barry norman yeah he talks yeah be norman get that gig wouldn't it yeah't it? Well, there's a few candidates, but I did think about the Seabiscuit thing. It reminded me, I read an interview with Sir Alex Ferguson, and he said, well, people think all I'm interested

in is football. He said, you know, whereas they think Arsene Wenger's like a professor, but he's watching the Bundesliga on a Tuesday night on Sky he said I've got many many interests my favourite film is Seabiscuit and I thought I bet he's forced Michael Owen to watch that yeah

well I'll give you a contract at Man United but you're going to have to watch Seabiscuit alright, ok, if you have to. Yeah. The most interesting thing about this, well, maybe not the most, we'll find out, but interestingly, heckling myself, Come on, be confident. A couple of

months ago, I think it was, he actually was in the papers in an interview saying that he'd only seen five films and I think perhaps some of his friends have discovered that and said oh you should really watch more films so now it's gone a bit more big that he's seen eight films but in the intervening time showing off no it's not even that just one of his films on the eight is not the film seven why hasn't he seen seven if he's only seen eight films why

why isn't one of them seven? And then the next film he watched could be Fellini's Eight and a Half. I don't think he watched that, to be fair. I think he might struggle. And I do like the fact that out of his eight films, about half of them, slightly more than half, are sport-related. It's just funny. They're good films, too. Some of them are great.

You're right, it's a bit of a banana cake. Cool Runnings. I've read them. I don't know cool runnings i've um i don't i've i've read um i don't know cool anything let's face it i but i when i read it i thought but i don't know why this is a bad thing what hashtag hate films yeah why is it... It's just an extraordinary thing. Let me put it this way. Hashtag hate. Let's imagine if... Words. Let's imagine if a film star, a male film star, was interviewed

and he said, I've only ever seen eight football matches. Hashtag eight football. No one would even turn a blind eye. So why is this different? Discuss. Can you write on bad sides of the paper? We can do, I don't know.

It's true though, isn't it? Some people feel that films is something, oh no, you've got to watch films. I've read some stuff which is sort of based on that sort of thick footballer idea. Like only really bright people watch films. No, a lot of stupid people watch films. Mainly stupid people. That's not true. Well, there's mainly stupid people. No, it depends on...

It depends on the film. It's not prejudice, it's mathematics. I agree with you. If someone's constantly saying, should we watch a film? Should we go to a movie? I'll say, it's a great film. You always say you didn't watch the film.

Whereas, Michael Owen is saying, no, I don't want to watch a film. I want to gamble for very inordinately high odds. He's not substituting it with something fulfilling. I want to buy my family a street. You know, he did that. Did he do that? I mean, come on, who needs a film if you can buy your family a street? Your own life is so amazing.

Some people are watching films about streets. Yeah, but how good were the houses? Imagine the family member who didn't get the house, the one who was next on the list. Oh, it'd be awful. Yeah, and they had to sit him down and say, sorry, it's a terrace, there's only, like, nine. He'd be talking to one of the other family members,

he's doing a granny flat. Can you do a granny flat and then get me? No, I'm sorry, we're full up. If one of them leaves, all the other family members will be saying, no, I was thinking it would be nice to move down that area. No, no, I don't think he's done anything wrong.

What are you looking at me like that for? I mean with the films thing. Absolute Radio. Frank Skin films thing Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We were discussing Michael Owen who I think may be

slightly pulling our leg you know because I read the interview with the Guardian that he was that he first said oh I've done I've seen five films I saw it in the sun. Yeah. The interview, I think, you know,

where you get about one in three texts is basically someone saying Alan's boring and it's because they don't realise that there's a twinkle in my eye and that I'm doing it on purpose and that it's funny. I think we might not be getting the twinkle in Michael Owen's eye. The interview in The Guardian descended into him

having a conversation about really strong cheese. And he was going, unless it really stinks, I'm not interested, but that change has only happened in the last five years. Like, it's funny. I think he's being funny. And, Frank? I think he's probably being Michael Owen. Well, I don't think we should shoot him down, because I'm going to give you a quote. Why have you become some apologist? Owen apologist. They said, I'll tell you why, here it is, this is it. Oh, go on. They said, do you laugh easily? And he said, and I'm said, I'll tell you why, here it is, this is it. Oh, go on.

They said, do you laugh easily? And he said, and I'm quoting... Only when I do Alan Cochran. He said, I love, love a night out where there's a comedian. So there you go. Michael Owen is effectively keeping me in work, isn't he? I mean, he's never been at any of my gigs that I know of, but he's welcome if he wants to email me.

I'm totally with him on this. I support his right to not like films. I mean, they're a bit long for my clone. He never got through 90 minutes. This is a bloke who could pick up an injury on wrapping a galaxy. So, you know, he's a delicate soul in many ways. But why does he have to like films? Can I say, when I first started going out

with Kath, she had only ever, she was 29, she'd only ever seen one film in her life. What about that? And it was Rattle and Hom by U2. Oh, lovely U2.

To be fair, she was forced to watch that. Yeah, she was watching the telly, just came on in the middle out of nowhere. No, but that's true. But whilst I wouldn't, I wouldn't describe myself as full on

hashtag hate films. No. However, I do agree with him with forced to watch. Because you know when you're forced to watch certain things,

it's normally with a friend. You'll love this. Those are the worst three words I can hear. I had it with some friends once. you'll love this those are the worst three words i can hear i had it with some friends once you'll love this donnie darko i'm sorry that was awful well i i had i had a difficult it was it was the lighting in donnie dark it was like some stupid gcse project with a man in a rabbit costume and bad lighting it was awful and i think the modern world has made that worse, hasn't it? Because you get people holding out their phone going...

It hasn't reached me yet. People hold out their phone and go, oh, you'll love this. It only lasts three and a half minutes. Hang on. Only? And I've got to stand here whilst you laugh at it and then look at me wondering why I'm not laughing at it.

Viral. That's why they call them virals. Because they're forced upon you like that against your will and then you have to suffer. Yeah. i i don't laugh out of spite yeah why am i not surprised oh it's in this it's this japanese oh shut up about it have you seen this it's salt in my pocket i had the arguably worse than forced to watch. My wife, you know when... I don't like the way this is going.

My wife said, oh, are you making a tea? I said, yeah. What was he forced to watch? That's what we're all wondering. I said, yeah, I'll go and make a tea. And then she started to retell me how much she'd enjoyed 24 hours in police custody, the BBC programme. Don't you say a word against that. She started to describe it in extreme detail.

I thought you meant it was a personal experience of hers. No, no, she... She's gone straight now. She's really reformed. I'm glad to hear that. She's a reformed character. In extremely boring, long detail. It's not boring.

Told me the whole programme. It is not boring. Well, I'm not going to watch it now, because I feel like I've heard it. We don't want you with us on board in our club. I don't know why she told me it in such detail. And then said at the end, you should watch it. I said, I don't feel like I need to now.

I've seen it. You see, people don't... I don't do that about football matches. I never say, oh, so what happened? They kicked off and then there was a little... There was an interpassage of play in the middle, not much. It was a throwing out on the left. You'd never do that. but people who see films,

they will give you the absolute... I'm going to the cinema this afternoon, actually. What are you going to see? My brother-in-law. You know, my brother-in-law writes about nine projects a month. Oh, yeah. What's he up to now? He's got a film coming out, and so I'm going to see that. It's called... I'll tell you what show it's called.

It's called War Book. tell you what it's called it's called war book not big daddy war book that's your that's your role in my life it's one it's one of those quite serious cinemas it's that you know ones where you have to stay is it what i call flapjack flapjack and coffee cinema yeah but you know when you have to stay for the credits oh yeah you stand up to leave and the people are sitting watching, reading at the end. If I weren't reading, I'd go to the library, not the cinema. I intentionally, Frank, get up and go, come on, Gary, let's leave.

Yeah. Just to show them. I start going, they do give you a bit more space. No, I am looking forward to it, but I'm meeting Michael Owen outside at about 10. You better make it. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio.

Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio I'm quite surprised no one's ever wrong about that. No, but honestly, just to say, would you be interested in session singing or something? Yeah.

You really took it to church. That's what the youth say Frank Apparently Daisy was telling us that this is a popular phrase That's what you say, you really took it to church You genuinely can say that Frank Family Yeah, really took it to church

I said it to Gavin Henson, he just looked miffed Good morning Frank Morning Emily, morning Alan, morning all This begins Frank, for the past few weeks you've been looking for an alternative way You've been looking for an alternative way to end the show An alternative to If the Creeks Don't Rise, etc Could I suggest the following ending

Paraphrasing from the closing scenes of the Doctor Who episode In which you featured last week Well, I won't keep you. Goodbye, and he's put brackets, readers. Good to meet you. It sounds a bit final, perhaps, but like you might have been hoping when the Doctor said these words to Perkins,

maybe those words are not as final as they might at first appear. Also, there will be a weekly link to your episode and Doctor Who. Well, I know you'd like that. Yes, but there is a element of, I'm having that. Somebody else wrote it for you. Peter Capaldi says it, and I think, I'm having that.

With all due respect, but to hell with your no-praise rule, credit where credit's due, we, my wife and daughters and I, all thought you were excellent. Best nugget. Oh, nugget. Nugget, regular. Thank you,ugget. Oh, Nugget. Nugget, regular. Regular. Thank you, Nugget. I also, I

think there are people that can't cope with the Doctor Who-ness that's been on the show just lately. And I think if it ends like every week, it's too much. And also the writer, Jamie Matheson. Oh, yeah. It's his line. Good point. That doesn't stop

some comics. What about that, when David Tennant was about to regenerate, Oh, yeah. It's his line. Good point. That doesn't stop some comics. Yeah. What about that when David Tennant was about to regenerate and he said, I don't want to go? I could do that every week. Oh, that'd be good. Yeah. Of course, there are weeks when I really want to go.

What about that? Yeah, there are weeks when you've already got the coat on. What did Tennant say to the doctor? Yeah. That's a bit needy. I don't think the doctor was like that. Yeah, well, he didn't want to go. Simple as that. Can I say I never want to go, obviously.

You've got your outdoor coat on now, though. You've got your blinders cap on. And a backpack. What's that all about? You hear that engine revving? That's my chauffeur. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio. Still in the corner, Frank. Still in the corner. This is an email from 618. B, she calls herself, aka 618. Hello team, as a long time reader New time correspondent

I thought I'd suggest a possible new ending Yeah, we're still searching for an ending For the show To match the re-recording of the email corner jingle I thought that it might also be time To re-record the friend of the show jingle You could replace the word friend With the word end

And hey presto, you have a new way to say goodbye so it would it would go something like this jingle and the show followed simply by end of the show it'd be like that yeah we have to re-record it yeah we have to record it and then when you say now get out okay oh that's gone as There you see, we've lost that as well. I know. Feel free to workshop this idea. I know. Yes. It's, I used to like, remember Dave Allen? Mm-hmm.

At the end would say, goodnight and may your God go with you. It's a bit heavy though, isn't it? Yeah. It's a bit heavy for 11 o'clock on a Saturday morning. For breakfast. Commercial radio. Oh, that's heavy, see?

Yeah. OK, okay well you want me to say may your science go with you well you know what about a good day and uh whatever you believe in i hope it works out for you what about that no actually that's all right what about terrarium bits terrarium good. Didn't you do that? I probably have done it in the past. It's just an ending. It's a bit Peaky Blinders, Tarara Bit, isn't it? Yeah. That's not a lie.

Hey, we've had a text message that I wanted to read to you, Frank, because I don't think I can be right. I think I'm wrong. But imagine if this is the case. Frank, you were wonderful on Doctor Who last week, though you did break my heart a little when you turned down the Doctor's offer. 674 brackets

aka Jenny closed brackets. Now that wouldn't be the Doctor's assistant in real life would it? Is she called Jenny Coleman? No, she's called Jenna. Oh, Jenna. Alright, so I'm wrong. Jacob. He's got the name wrong. This is awful. That's fine then, isn right, so I'm wrong. Jayco. He's got the name wrong. This is awful.

That's fine, isn't it? I thought she texted the show. I was kind of excited. No, it would be exciting. It would, but it's fine. Yeah, but how desperate are you trying to confuse Jenny with Jenna? I don't know her name. Maybe she's...

That's become evident, hasn't it? Maybe it's a misprint on her part. Oh, yeah, she might not be able to type her own name on telephone text messages. Yeah, let's explain. Everything is definitely her. Who else could it be? Is there any famous Jennys? Agatha.

Yeah, could be her. Possibly not. She's been hounding me for years. Has she? Yeah. Murray. Jenny Murray? It could be Jenny Murray.

Of course. Now we're out there. That's right as well. Good luck with the scarf. Presumably Jenny Murray would be able to watch Doctor Who because she would have finished on Strictly at that point or she would be about to do it, whichever order it's in. No, no, she'd finished Strictly.

No, that's Judy Murray. I'm talking about Jenny Murray. Oh, I've got the wrong... It's not working with two old men. It is like working with two old men. You're not a standard old man. It is like working with two old men. You're like those blokes in the Muppet box. That's what this feels like. I must admit, I thought Judy Murray. But you know, there's parts of me that always thinks Judy Murray.

I feel like I've caused all this confusion. That's the way we were. Well, it's my version. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have another email to bring to your attention, Mr Skinner. Dear Peter, Richie and Jim. And that's quite good, actually,

because that means that with the rotating gallery of supporting artists, it's covered all the bases, hasn't it? Yeah, that's quite good, actually, because that means that with the rotating gallery of supporting artists, it's covered all the bases, hasn't it? Yeah, that's it. In fact, I could go to any radio show that's on now, couldn't I? Really? Just, you know, call them what you want. Yeah. Dear Peter, Rich and Jim, what did Frank think of the Rembrandt exhibition opening at the National Gallery last night,

brackets, Tuesday the 14th, That's when it came in. Spotted. I spotted him prowling around the coat check, looking either moody or pensive, and I was too scared to ask which. What were you doing there, loitering around the coat check? Loitering? Loitering at the coat check? Um, I don't...

This is one of these things that people say to me. They say, uh, cheer up, Frank. But if you walk around smiling all the time, people think that you are a little bit troubled, if you know what I mean. Ironically, whereas if you don't, people think you're troubled. Who is that from, please? It's from Samuel, who says,

no night's move from me, happily shacked up, but if Emily ever fancies a platonic visit to an art gallery, let me know. I bet you do. I bet it's Samuel Anderson who plays Danny Pink in Doctor Who. Oh, I was about to say that. I was about to say that. It's a certainty.

Yeah, it was, I went to see Rembrandt's The Light Works, it was called. Okay. And it was brilliant. It was, but i'm glad he never painted me because i tell you and i'm old enough um he doesn't do the most flattering filters does he rembrandt well it uh it was uh he's no instagram is that no do you know that one um a woman bathing in a stream and it's a sort of woman with a dress pulled up and sort of

her feet in the water. And I was looking at that one and I suddenly said to myself, is it alright to think great legs about someone who died in the 17th century? Is that morally acceptable? It's probably fine, isn't it?

Yeah. It's not doing her any harm, is it? No, I no no but you know you gotta respect the dead why can't objectify why you're right yeah they've had their they had a good innings i think it's a lovely tribute her legs will live on after her death i think it's partly because my feet were absolutely killing me at the time i was just jealous you had the wrong shoes jealous that she was barefoot. Oh, barefoot. How lovely was that?

To be honest, this whole chat's making me feel a bit like Michael Owen. I'm like, hashtag eight pictures. I've not seen that much art. You know what? That thing Frank says reminds me of that new dad thing. When they see, let's call them intimate moments between couples, and they say, oh, that bed looks comfy. Well, it's great. It was the opening of the exhibition. You've got all the art contacts now.

It's a lot of posher people than you've ever met. I mean, people from... Why do you say that? Perhaps not you. But it's a different type of posh, though. It's people from the planet posh. Oh, yeah. You know, I thought Rembrandt, The Late Works.

When they say The Late Works, they're discussing the electrics at home. They were really beyond posh, but all very nice. And something that really occurred to me, that Rembrandt's full name is Rembrandt Van Ryn. And what they should have done is they should have had a quick, they should offer a quick tour around it called Van Rijn's Express. What do you think?

You're both looking at me like I've said two things you don't understand instead of just one. There's Van Rijn's Express, do you know that film? No. What I like about live radio is if this was on telly, the public would never get to hear it. And then they build me up and they think I'm perfect,

but this way I stay human. And I think that's the way forward for us all. Glad to help. Cheers. I'm going to have a hot shower, I think. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text us on 81215.

We haven't had many texts, have we? We have. We have? That's a bad sign. Follow the show on Twitter. We have got to. I think I peaked last week. Follow the show on Twitter. You have no text. I think I peaked last week. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio

and email the show via the ARW. Can I just say some of the texts are still phrasing your appearance as Perkins and I know you don't like praise. Well, I love private praise. I like the fact you invented that we hadn't had many texts and then you decided it's a bad sign. What does that say? Welcome to life with Frank Skinner.

Sorry, I'm still reeling from Van Ryn's Express. That is what it is. It is. I feel like I've been hit by Van Ryn's Express. So, I had quite a busy week this week. I know you thought it was all about you, but it turns out I was invited to something. Good. Which was... You do get invited to quite a lot of things.

I do, pretty much every night. Sorry to those I turned down. I went along to the opening night... It's a small group. ...of our friend, our dear friend David Baddiel. Yes, I couldn't go. I had other work. Yes. I did go. It was the opening

night of The Infidel. And it's a musical now, we should establish. It is, yes. It was a film. Now it's a musical. It's in Stratford East. It's a theatre. And I'll tell you, well, firstly, when I first arrived, I mean, I spotted some famous faces in the foyer.

Howard Jacobson. Sacha Baron Cohen. Firstly, when I first arrived, I mean, I spotted some famous faces in the foyer. Oh. Howard Jacobson. Okay. Sacha Baron Cohen. Oh, there's a theme. There was a bit of a theme. Well, in fact, it's funny you should say that, because when I was sitting down, and Martin, are you familiar with Martin, who is Celebrity TV Man?

Of course, he did my television. Well, he did mine. I snuck in under the wire. I'm still paying off the mortgage. I feel like a civilian in this chat now. Martin is Celebrity TV Man. He does the televisions for all the wire. I'd start paying off the mortgage. I feel like a civilian in this chat now. Martin is Celebrity TV Man. He does the televisions for all the celebrities. Right. So if you were one, he would do your telly for you. That sounds like

it's a big if, but I think I'd probably still just go to, like, a shop. I think you probably would. I'll have that one. Yeah, but I mean, I'm wondering about if you're not obsessed with money. This is a bloke you've got to be. I'm not obsessed with money.

Oh, don't get ugly. So, anyway... Is it tech support? Is that what he offers? He offers tech support. No, no. So he comes along. He comes in and puts you a telly.

He comes in and it's around sound and everything. Right. Anyway, so Martin... I'm not sure we should be dwelling on him. No. So Martin came over to me. He's a lovely man. He's a lovely man.

He came over to me and he said oh hi um he said um have you met introduced this slightly elderly couple okay and i don't know why it was rather very nice but i was in one of my funny moods and i said i would get up but i'm wearing heels oh dear okay which is sort of meant to be a joke and she was said oh you poor thing so then i felt terrible that's that's... Was she being super ironic or just not? I hope so. I'd love her if she was. Yeah. Then Martin said something.

He said, um... First of all, he said, Emily's a friend of David's. And I thought, is that a euphemism for being Jewish? Is that like friend of Dorothy? Friend of David's. OK. But then he said to the man,

you probably know her, she does Frank's show. To which the man said, oh, yes, I watch it every week. Oh. Oh, that was awful. I wonder who did... Yeah, who's on screen? He probably thinks I'm some floor manager

who gets into view occasionally on Room 101. Oh. I watch it every week. Oh. Because there are others present, I styled it out. Oh, good on you. I said, oh, great. I wasn't about to say I'm not as famous as you think I am.

Well, a member of the cast of Infidel in the past said to me, oh, I'm watching your show the other week and it was great. That when you interviewed blah blah and it was clearly Graham Norton and I pointed it out. I pointed it out. I said, that's Graham Norton. And she went, no, no, no. And I wasn't allowed to correct her.

Oh, no. I should say at this point, The Infidel was marvellous. And... You should. Well, no, I will say it. I won't say it, because it's one of those things where it's always nerve-wracking when it's a Friends thing, isn't it? You think, I hope this is alright. I'd already had the Doctor Who concern. Yes. Thankfully

that went off well. No, it was excellent, but... Two from two. Now we've got the positives out the way with, I recommend it, go and see it. However... Oldie, can we leave? What I want to do is I want to leave it here and then play some music, just so that Dave will be in terrible paroxysms of doubt. Leave him

on the rack. As to what's coming next. This is what friends are all about, isn't it? Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now then, you love the infidel bot. I love the infidel, but I picked up my ticket, so I was behind Alexei Sayle in the queue.

Oh, OK. And if there's one thing you don't want to see on my ticket, so I was behind Alexei Sayle in the queue. Oh, okay. And if there's one thing you don't want to see on a ticket, on a theatre ticket, it's the words upper. Any other ticket, fine, but not on a theatre ticket, because that means you're up in the gods. Yeah.

The student digs. So, I kept my eye out to see where Alexei Sayle was going, if I'm honest. He's a friend of David's. Well, aren't we all? He's a friend of David's. That's quite a loud gulp, Frank. Yeah.

So, sorry. I'll move back slightly from the microphone. Anyway. Well, we've moved out of the studio, practically. So, um, I thought, it can't be that high. So I made my way up the stairs. Alexei Sayle goes into the dress circle that's not a good moment for me i wasn't happy about that um there was a man there he said it's another couple of

flights couple wow couple of flights and you had the heels on did you well it was less the heels more my self-respect another couple of flights he said you don't want to be perspiring and have like cramping when you get to see me sitting right in the gods all right i kept walking i was so high i'm honestly not exaggerating i was just taking a picture i expected to see dynamo at the top it was it was there was layer upon it was like mezzanine upon mezzanine eventually i get that was slightly out of breath okay i. I get there. It's high. I've got a slight vertigo. Less oxygen up there as well. I had a lovely view of the chandelier.

I like a nice chandelier. I didn't feel so bad because there was a couple of other celebrities in the upper section as well, I noticed. You going to name them? Let me guess. Jessica Hines. Oh. She made it into the upper as well.

Wolf from Gladiator. Wolf, I can't remember. But I should say at this point, I think David would have been absolutely mortificado had he known that I'd been given those seats. Fortunately, he'll never know, because I'll obviously never say anything. No, you're right to keep it quiet.

But I love the infidel. It's fantastic. But don't sit in the upper circle. If you're a friend of David's. All right, yeah, you need to add that if, otherwise there's stuff. No, you can sit in the upper circle, but not on an opening night

when Alexei sails below you. Yes, I can... I suppose there's so many celebrities there. Yeah, packed. There were. J-Ro was there. J-Ro. Jonathan Roth, I thought you actually meant J-Low.

I thought you meant J.K. Rowling. J-Low, that's two seats gone already. No, well, I've heard it was a glorious success. It was. Which is... Copies of the parent agency available in the foyer. What, the children's book? Yes

No opportunity missed And you see those work because we've plugged it again Yes Same with it Sharp as a knife Absolute Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

You know on your little show Have I Got News For You Yeah, it's little show, have I got news for you? Yeah, it's not really mine. I was just passing through. Guest host. Yeah, you pop up, though. Been on everything, hasn't he? Yeah.

Shut up about it. Doing the news tonight. He says shut up about it. He loves it. Never shut up about it. I do. I'm not actually presenting the main news. No.

Imagine if you turned up on the news. Just do some vox pops in the street. I would absolutely love that. Imagine the shock and you didn't tell us. That was your new job. I'm reporting live from Gateshead. Oh, yeah? On the binge drinking. Oh, yeah. And there was no reference made to it being said,

thanks again, live from Gateshead. I'll just say that, and I just did the report. They never said anything about it. I do a completely straight report. Obviously, people in the background going, woo! Legend, funky. Yeah. Anyway, you, I noticed you were talking straight report. Obviously people in the background going, woo! Legend! Funky! Anyway, you, I noticed you were talking

last night on the show about this character who's been logging his sneezes. Yes. And I've been rather fascinated by him myself. A man who just decided that he was going to make a note of every sneeze he did and where he did it and what he was doing at the time and what was the strength of the sneeze.

And he's logged thousands. He's recorded 4,000 times in seven years. If you want to look at it, his website is the at symbol, C-H-U, at chew.com. That's good. It's not, it's not, I made it up. It's not. Well, it is good.

Someone should do that. This is good,'s not it's not i made it up it's not well it is good someone should do that this is good but not his you'd have a nice little line of working domain names yeah i think i could do that extra um so he sneezes about one and a half times a day is that all he worked out which i don't think is very much no but i mean there'll be days when he does a lot and doesn't you don't yeah those little bursts i don't know i don all. Yeah, those little bursts that come along. I don't know, I don't log mine, so I'm guessing. Me neither. And he has ways, like he'll say, moderate to strong in the spare bedroom. Yes.

No wonder he's in the spare bedroom. Yeah. Yeah, it's... Those are past times. There's something compelling about the idea, though. I mean, I don't know how often I'd sit and read back through those journals. No, but he's in a very good place if he's ever accused of having committed a silent crime, isn't he?

Like, he's got proof. I think you'll find that I didn't steal the Elgin marbles that night because I was sneezing in a restaurant in Leamington Spa. I believe Geoffrey Archer had diary-based proof. And... Doesn't count. I don't think it worked. Doesn't count much. Just fighting like that.

All right, fair enough. Like when December 3rd bought this diary. That's where he'd give the game away. Um, yeah, it's, um... I'm thinking I might start doing... I might start logging my blinks. Oh, right, yeah. I think that's a real...

That's the test of staying power can you imagine ages especially if you're doing the news as well oh yeah well i mean can you imagine how much i'll be blinking in gateshead people throwing stuff and shouting yeah having to pull girls down who are lying on the floor to cover themselves. Oh, come here, love. It's showing. Oh, dear. Hey, can't you help her? Can I say? I can imagine you getting a bit nasty in the last few minutes before you would you... Come on, Frank, we're coming live to you in like 20 seconds.

Can you just give me some space, everyone? You'd get a bit Russell Brand. Cover her up. I told you that. OK, can you get her into a skit, that woman? You keep a journal, don't you? But you don't keep a log of sneezes or any of that sort of stuff, do you? No, no, I keep a journal of, you know, stuff like, did Doctor Who...

Am I in the journal? Yeah, you've been in my journal many times. I'd love to read it. I think everyone here has been in the journal in some capacity. That's exciting. Maybe not the staff, but certainly on-air people. No, I log every error. You can trust me on that.

Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So I'm not, I haven't put pen to paper on this yet, but the other day I said to my wife, I'm going to get some sausages. I'm going to go make some sausages, you know, cook them.

And she went, again? Like I'd had sausages too recently. Have you got a sausage log? I might have to start keeping a sausage log, because even just in the last week... Now, if anyone's listening to this on a bad reception, they're going to send you a Dax hunt.

That's going to be embarrassing. Well, I'd add a few chilli ones, you know, the ones with a bit of spice. I'd add some of those the day before and, in fact, the day before that. How many are you averaging a day, the sausages? A couple? Well, for me, a portion before that... How many are you averaging a day, the sausages? A couple? Well, for me, a portion of sausages is three for myself.

Yes. But, like, the kids have, I don't know, one or one and a half. And then, you know, then I start grazing into theirs. And then the next day, I opened the fridge when I was making a cup of tea and there was a cold sausage in there. And I turned around from the fridge eating a cold sausage and my wife went, predictable. So I think she's a bit worried about my sausage intake you think is that weird I'll tell you what I have thought about logging seriously um every year

flying ant day flying oh yeah you know that day when it when it's the air is thick with flying ants. But you've got a bit of an obsession with insects at the moment because of that garden of yours. But have you ever noticed that fly? I do know. I'd like to know if that happens on the same day every year. Is it like Christmas or Easter for the flying ants? Do they move

it about? Is it always on a Thursday like a general election? I can't remember now, but I wish I had logged, say, the last, well, I'd say 40 Flying Ant Days. That might be worth starting. Yeah, I'm going to start... If anyone

listening keeps a Flying Ant Day log... Let us know. Let us know if there's any trends. I have a friend who writes his car miles in a little notebook for his... Wow. Have you got his number? I mean, I don't do that.

I think I'm meant to, but I don't. I might log out every time the bread gets passed to me in a smart restaurant and I say, thank you, no. Yeah, I mightn't ask quite a lot. About seven times a day. Can I ask a question question how often do you um oh god how often do you how often do you wash your ears oh what inside inside uh well as as you know i am i didn't go in in a rear for the whole of august because i went away to the edinburgh

festival and i came back and i am i think yeah i think i went six or seven before I put a cotton bud in there. Is that weeks? Yeah. Yeah, about a year, eh? The beautician does that. Oh, OK, fair enough. Staff, staff. You get people in.

Yeah, I get someone in. You see, I made a sort of a New Year's resolution that wasn't on New Year's, because I never, ever clean mine. I always think that hair washing, they'll get enough residue to keep them in and now i've um i've lapsed and i i was thinking what about this i'd be good to log is what my point and then you know how often you know you should be doing it but i was wondering if i would

be more inclined to do it if i broke it up a bit and did one ear one day yeah and then another ear another day yeah it's a bit imbalanced aren't it well it's only I think would that be would I've never met anyone who does one ear at a time why is it that we feel we have to do both ears why is that if you do the house you might say I'll do the garage today What is that? If you do the house, you might say, I'll do the garage today, and I'll do the spare room in a couple of weeks' time. I don't see any... If there's anyone listening, if you could hear me with your filthy wax,

who washes their ears on different days, I'd love to hear from you, because I think I'm going to start doing that, and I think it'll make me more clean. Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've got a text in from

a specialist nurse in ear care. Oh. Here we go. Lovely. Lovely. Probably the worst thing to put down your ear would be a cotton bud. What about a needle? Because you just push...

Don't be silly. You just push the wax down, further impacting it, and then the little fibres of cotton wool build up, with it too forming a nice plug, which I then have to come along and sort out, as a specialist nurse in ear care. She personally does that. I don't use the cotton board, I just use the flannel.

Finger on the flannel. Oh, that's a good idea. Thanks. What about house keys? What about house keys? That's what you're thinking, isn't it? I'm having that. What about house keys? Is that not all right?

Every now and again? No, no. You know, the end, not the key bit, the actual... I find if you unravel a bit of the toilet roll inner, and you get that sharp corner on the cardboard, that can take out one of the bigger wads. Yeah, when I came back from Edinburgh

I just unrolled a paper clip and stuck it in and pulled it out like a cork. Can I say to any children listening, that was a joke. Don't stick... I didn't know that about cotton buds, but don't stick things in your ears. Yeah, that is bad, that was a joke. Don't stick... I didn't know that about cotton buds, but don't stick things in your ears. Yeah, that is bad, the cotton buds thing. Apparently they clean themselves anyway.

That'd be interesting to know. No, that's my tea. You've got mixed up with my tea. Oh, yeah, yeah. What washes the bath as well as cleans your thing. OK, well, thanks for that. We've also had a text suggesting a different ending for the show. I like this one.

Hi, all. I think I have a solution to your need for a new ending. I'm sure Frank will remember Hill Street Blues. That immediately makes me think of my mum. My mum loved Hill Street Blues. It's a jungle out there. And the line used by the captain after each week's briefing when he said, hey, hey, hey, let's be careful out there. That's what he said all the time. I remember that.

The great thing was that he changed the turn and inflection every week, so whilst the viewer knew what was coming, there was still an amount of intrigue about exactly how the line would be delivered. Did you say intrigue? Yeah, I got a slight cough in my throat. Did you hear that? He was having digestive issues. Intrigue. It's very weird. It's very embarrassing.

Yeah, I'm back. It's my own voice again. Intrigue. There was still an amount of intrigue about how exactly the line would be delivered. So there we go. Okay. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Let's be careful out there.

Maybe I'll try that. We can't just stick, I'm having that with his line. You've got to put a quote on. No, yes, it will apply. What about a job like that could change a man? Oh. Oh. What about a job like that could change a man?

What about if I combine both of these texts and say, hey, hey, hey, be careful in there, as sort of a health warning? Lovely spontaneity it's going to have. Yeah, I'm going to look forward to that every week. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We are going to discuss something in a second,

but there's an email just come in. Long-time reader, first-time writer. Only the ear conch should be cleaned. The conch? The conch, yes. Leave the hearing tube alone! It's got a cleaning mechanism. Tiny hairs on the surface of the skin cells which move the dirt outwards,

which can be damaged with regular use of whatever you stick into it. For example, cotton buds or car keys. Hear that, kids? Then you're stuck with a life long of life of long cleaning. So you've got to do it. Once you start doing it, you've got to do it. It's like Quentin

Crisp's room. You don't dust it and after four years it doesn't get any dirtier. Yes, it's very like that now uh we need to talk about um the woman in plymouth who phoned the police um saying there was a crocodile in her garden i feel sorry for her i feel sorry i sympathize with her because she sounds even more hysterical than me i love her yeah but also it is a terrifying looking thing that was in her garden it isn't like it doesn't look like a toy does it's not like a teddy no if it's been a teddy and she

thought that was a crocodile yeah well if she'd phoned up and said there's a bear in my garden and it was just a teddy bear with its hand in a honeypot or something what about when i thought a black v-neck jumper was a skunk did you did you i just always think everything is an animal because you know my default setting is hysteria i every day of my life i walk down the stairs of my duplex and i go oh because you think i think it's something i think an animal's got in i shouldn't have bought you that fox cushion i bought you it's been fooled by that so she crocodileed 999 very good yes and uh and they came along and blew it up. No, they didn't.

It was already inflated. It arrived with riot shields, which I found rather extraordinary. Well, can you imagine, though? If you got a phone call that said, there's a crocodile in my garden. I mean, they took people from the zoo. If it had been a real one, it's no good turning up and saying,

that's enough of that, sir. Move along now. I mean, you're going to have to have some proper tools. I'd have took a baseball bat. I'll tell you what I would have done. I'd have said to the police, can you come round and deal with this crocodile and make it snappy? Very good.

You would have done that joke as well. I actually would have done that. And the police would have said, I'm having that. Well, just to lighten it a bit. Yeah, exactly. Just to lighten it a bit. Do you ever, when you see clothes, if you have them hanging or over the chair like you have in the shape of the Keep Britain Tidy man, don't you have a little man figure over your chair? If I

see clothes and I wake up in the night, I always think it's a murderer. Really? Always. Even if it's... I know why would a murderer wear a pink silk dressing gown. But I still think someone's got in he might like that yeah he could be a

sleepwalker sleepwalker murderer yeah maybe a gay sleepwalker murderer do you remember that case no I think it might have just been in my head

well that's to be warned this woman's lucky she's only got one crocodile in there Do you remember that case? No. I think it might have just been in my head. No. Yeah. Well, that's to be warned. But this woman's lucky she's only got one crocodile in there because we quite often have a pair of crocs in the garden. The kids just take them off and leave them. There you go. Crocs. We can't follow that. Thank you so much for listening today.

Oh, God, how are you going to do it? I don't want to go the frank skinner show on absolute radio back saturday morning from eight tune in live for the full frank experience absolute radio