The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Hiccups

Episode Date: May 8, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Frank and the team go pun crazy and ask for help naming a Fish and Chip shop. Alun asks for help with hiccups, Frank has a new way of wearing shoes and they discuss Nandos, Fogle and Eurovision

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Why don't you text us on 8-12-15? By God, we need your help. Or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email the show directly via the Absolute Radio website, boxshe. May I begin with an email that I've just seen? You know, I do a little trawl where I go through the old emails.

Oh, do you? I do, I like to start with... Can I just say, Al loves a Friday-nighter. Yeah, OK. He likes a Friday-nighter. Well, I found an email entitled just desserts that I think you may be interested in. Oh, yes.

I won't be up my straws. I thought you may be interested in. Oh, yes. That won't be up my straws. I thought you may be interested and also slightly disappointed to know that there is a restaurant in Hitchin, Hertfordshire, called Just Desserts, which only sells puddings. It's a lovely little bistro-style restaurant and they offer a range of waffles, crepes, sundaes and cakes and is open during the day and also evenings. It's a favourite place for me to visit with my three-year-old son,

but also my girlfriends. That's from Kerry. Well, can I say, Kerry, that I believe the title I suggested was Frank Skinner's Just Desserts. Can I say that even when you open a restaurant, you're referring to it as the title? OK.

As opposed to the name of the shop. I suppose that's true. But thanks, Kerry. I just know the bit. I did offer alternatives. I suppose that's true. But thanks, Kerry. I just knew I did offer alternatives. I remember Je Suis. Yes, I remember when I was so busy being sick

I can't remember now. I've so wishing they reopened Pandora's box here. Yeah, thanks for that, Alan. But if they know anyone out there knows a Je Suis, do let me know. That's genuinely upsetting me. Let me know where that is.

But thanks, Kerry, for joining in, as ever. And I'm a bit worried about you taking your three-year-old to a place that only sells desserts. Maybe they go somewhere else first. I think it's the way he sounds so pleased with himself when he says sweets. Maybe they go to a place that only does starters and then a place that does main courses.

They do, like, a little restaurant crawl. A starters place would be a good idea. Isn't the starter always the best bit of the meal? What about Zero Carb Zero, my restaurant? Oh, I can't wait. Oh, that's a good one. Yes! Yeah, what could the starter one be called?

What's French for... Hors d'oeuvre. Hors d'oeuvre, yeah. Oh, surely you two can do something with that. I just can't. You can't top your sweets. I've got other stuff to do. You know what I'm saying?

What? What, pray? He's got a lot of deadlines. Yeah, I mean, I just can't. You can't talk to your sweethearts. I've got other stuff to do. You know what I'm saying? What? What, pray? He's got a lot of deadlines. Yeah, I mean, I'm swamped by deadlines. So, um, well, what a week I've had. You know, last week we were talking about Good Morning Britain, the new programme, etc, etc. Well, I was on it.

You weren't. This week, yes. I was in the belly of the beast I must say it was a very nice experience it's not very nice about Alan Jones

yeah he's not there anymore is he gone is he old school yeah I think it was the drink you can't say that

I think they call him Alehead Jones they don't no they don't I've completely made that up who's the presenters then you're looking

at the crazy guy. I was interviewed by Susanna Reid and Ben Shepard. The Good Shepard, as I call him. Yeah. Were you behind the desk, or was it out on the ground? No, no, it was legs out. Oh! She actually had her legs on my lap. She sort of laid back.

Right. Yeah. And the terrible thing is that I just sat just casually with my hands on her shins as we spoke. Oh. But I'd sweated up a bit, you know, in the studio. And when I took my hands off, there was two white handprints on her. Oh, no.

I took the tan off. Right. You should have administered reflexology. Well, they were, yeah, I could, what, a foot massage. Yeah. Yeah, as they used to call it. I had reflexology once. That sort of, you know, they touch your big toe and say,

are you going to get bronchitis? Do they? Yes, it's a very peculiar, yes. Then I realised I'd stood on my medical results, they were stuck to the sole of my foot. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, so I like doing Good Morning Britain.

I think it's going to be an enormous hit. What about that? GMB, that's what Alan called it. I don't know what people are mad about. It's very bright. It's a bright experience. Can I just ask, please tell me you didn't wear those dusty shoes. No, I didn't wear the dusty shoes.

I felt a bit drab, though, because apparently... So I heard they've had American breakfast TV advisors in on how to do a breakfast TV show. Have they? And one of those things they said is, you know, you're bright, bright, bright, the set's got to be bright, and the females in particular have to wear bright clothes. Oh, you can't wear monochrome, yeah.

I was going to wear some, you know, children's TV presenters, yellow dungarees. Oh, perfect. I don't know what if I'd turned up in those. Oh, you wouldn't have looked remotely disturbing. Well, Susanna Reid wore a bright yellow dress. It looked amazing, and I think that it's sort of, it's all like psychological, because mornings are, you know, sort of yellow,

because it's the sun and, you know, the yolk of the egg. And also, I think, that first stare into the toilet bowl. Yeah. Mornings are yellow, that's how we see them. And I think that's what they were trying to echo. Although I must say, and I'm not one to complain, as you know, but you'd think one thing

that a breakfast... The very idea. No, you'd think that a breakfast show would be able to do breakfast. That's all I'm saying. Well, that's all I'm saying. Actually, it's not all I'm saying. What did you get then? I asked for bacon on brown and I got sausage on white. I mean, come on. That can be more wrong. Did you complain, Frank? I did. I complained in that on. That can be more wrong. Did you complain, Frank?

I did. I complained in that I'm not really complaining type of complaining. Oh, did you? Did you say, look, I can eat this anyway? You know, it's not a big deal, but I did ask for... I mean, honestly, I'm fine with this, but it's a bit weird that I asked for bacon on brown and I got sausage. You know, that kind of complaining. Yes, I do. I invented it.

Oh, did you? Well, sorry, I'll send you the... Just invoice me. But it was... And also the goodie bag. There's a goodie bag on GMB. Bill Oddie with a tank top. It was... The goodie bag...

I always get excited about a goodie bag. It was an aromatic candle. Oh, lovely. It's not very morning. No. It's evening. It's not very morning. No. It's evening. It's not very morning. It isn't, though. What, did you want all your gifts to be morning themed?

Yeah, I wanted, you know, an alarm clock, for example, in the goody bag. Unless they're anticipating you having a particularly difficult bowel movement and it's stinking and they're going, here's a smelly candle for the little room. I can't believe that. Just, whoa. Hey. I'm sorry. We're on satellite television now, sir. I'm trying to think of... Turned into some shock job. When else would you need a smelly candle? That's! I'm sorry. We're on satellite television now, sir. I'm trying to think of...

Turned into some shock job. When else would you need a smelly candle? That's what I'm thinking. Please! I don't know where to look. I can't look him in the face. I can't either, ever again. Oh, dear.

I don't think that's that bad. Embarrassed. Is that that bad? Stinky. Sorry, I'm too embarrassed to even answer. I had an idea for an alarm clock. What about this? Go on, then.

A radio alarm he's having a lot of ideas isn't he at the moment a radio alarm that has bogus news reports on it that are incredibly shocking so that you hear you hear in bed

and it comes on Sir Elton John killed 8 people in a McDonald's in Utah. What the... And then you're awake. Wide awake. What do you think? Yeah. You with me on it? Yeah. Because I'm looking for investment. I don't want to take it on myself.

I've got a bit of spare time. Isn't that essentially just a sensation of being Cathy every morning? Just being lied to and told strange practical jokes. Well, yeah, but I can't go from door to door. That's not what I've heard. Well, I don't do it anymore. I used to. As I say, I used to. I've been around the block

a few times, but there's no need to stop at every house. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm on tour at the moment, which I keep going on about, but, you know, that's my life. And I was in Bristol. Oh, how was it? It was... I got a request at the stage door

to say there was a man with a pinhole camera who'd like to take my photograph. Now, I'm not... It doesn't take ages, that. that i'm not 100 sure what it is is there's no mechanics is that right yeah i thought it needed daylight and uh time i don't know what we all do darling um are you thinking of flowers evening gigs i think you've got mixed up with i might have yeah what is? I only know about shoes and alcohol. It's something to do with, that'd be a great Oasis track.

Anyway, well, I'm not quite sure, but it was in the cellar, so it couldn't, you know, there's a big set, it was at Colston Hall. Sorry, a man said, please come down to the cellar with me so I can take your photograph. Yes. Wow. And I ended up being the mother of his children. so I could take your photograph. Yes. Wow.

And I ended up being the mother of his children. Now, so we went... Underneath Colston Hall in Bristol, which is the big gig there, there's a cellar which has got a bit of a dark past. I believe they used to keep slaves in there when they were in transit. Really? Used to cram in the slaves.

So I went down there. This is lovely. Well, it's trending this year, of course, slavery. So it was... It's kind of a creepy, spooky place. Actually, I said it cropped up in the course of the act that Bristol was famous for slavery and I pointed out the fact that they got fair trade coffee

in the dressing room. Too little, too late. But, yeah, so I stood there in this slightly scary cellar and the man how was he like this character I didn't speak to him that much I just stood

he said can you stand there and then he didn't really there was no sense of anything operating you just move a bit of something but I'm thinking I might get one now. Lovely. If he's listening, could you text us in the picture that you took? I think you can make one.

He probably doesn't use things like text. He'd probably have to send it by shadow. You think I could make a... What kind of camera is it? You can make... It's the sort of thing you used to get in the Eagle. How to make a pinhole camera. Pinhole camera. I bet one of our

listeners, I'm calling them listeners now, have you noticed? I've joined in. And then I was at the Liverpool Philharmonic. Okay. And a man came up to me and said hello, I can't remember his name which is terrible, but he said to me, I'm the man

I sent you a jingle. And do you remember when we did the friend of the show? Yes. There's a real, someone sent in a real grand orchestral version. Yeah, it was that jingle. That's nice, isn't it? I said I'll play it on the show, but apparently Daisy's lost it. It's a bit awkward.

But I said it's brilliant. He It's a bit awkward. But I said, I said, it's brilliant. He was a very nice chap. And I said, it's brilliant now. I said, you know, perhaps you could do it as another. And he said, well, the trouble is with your show, there's so much laughter on it.

It's hard to get a clean statement. I thought, well, is that praise or is it a slight? Yeah, is that a slight dig? Is it a sycophancy remark? He seemed a really nice bloke. Is he accusing us of staffed her? But ironically, he's a friend of the show. Yeah.

And he made the friend of the show. That's nice, isn't it? I mean, you just, you know, you couldn't write it, could you? Well, obviously he wrote it. I'm never laughing again. No. Really? You have to have a rule.

I wonder how many people across Britain are saying that now. As we speak. Because some of them never laughed in the first place, let's face it. Look at that woman at number 87. Skinner, Dean and Cochran. Together, The Frank Skinner Show. Absolute Radio. So, um...

I want to tell you what happened this week. A big moment at home. Baz, my son, nearly two years old, now put his wellies on for the first time on his own. Brilliant. Did he? And I was telling Susanna Reid, actually, good morning, good morning, Britain.

And he put them on the wrong feet and I had to make an executive parental decision. What did you do? Did I say, oh, they're on the wrong feet and I had to make an executive parental decision. What did you do? Did I say, oh, they're on the wrong feet and swap them around after he'd put them on? Yeah. Thus making him feel like a failure? Mm-hm.

Or did I just leave them and risk doing permanent damage to his feet? So I chose the latter because I think ultimately physical pain is not as long and lasting as mental illness. You went the Jiminy Cricket physical comedy route. You are assuming that he's going to become a stand-up. Oh, is it Jimmy?

It is. Sorry? You are assuming that he's going to become a stand-up. That's something you've said to me already. Oh, absolutely. You're just thinking of it as a Jimmy Cricket thing. There's no question about it. Come here.

So it struck me. I cannot recall the last time I put my shoes on the wrong feet. Can't you? It's just not, I just don't do it. I imagine it was over 25 years ago. But why is that? You'd think it's a simple... I remember in the school holidays when I didn't change my clothes for six weeks. I was able to put my socks on the wrong feet.

Really, I remember putting my socks on socks on and the big toe indentation, which had now become like a tortoise's carapace, was sticking out on the side of the little toe. I do it sometimes. You put your shoes on the wrong feet? With a boot, with a slim-fitting boot, it happens. Is it a bit of a hoax, the wrong feet thing? What do you mean, like fainting?

Could we get away with it? Could we not just have straight shoes that just go straight and it'd be fine? Yeah, probably. Straight shoes, they sound nice. Horrible straight shoes. I think it's an old-fashioned concept, the wrong feet thing. What do you want, like a square-toed clown shoe? No, we've been set into this idea that your foot...

If you look at your feet, they're not that different, are they? I'm not looking at my feet, but even under the desk now, I'm swapping my shoes over. You can't tell. I'm going to do that. I've got slip-ons, so this is easy for me. But the trouble is, bear in mind, these shoes have been made as left and right shoes. I think we'll find it's an economic thing to stop people from wearing out one shoe

and then buying shoes one at a time. Yeah, because there's lots of shops that sell them one at a time, isn't there? No, but there would be. And like those good old days when tobacconists would sell cigarettes one at a time so school children could afford them. But I've put these shoes on now.

They're on the wrong feet. Do they... They look a bit... Look, they look... I'm going to show them to you. Oh, yeah. I might put that photo on the way. They look stranger than they feel.

They actually feel fine. But they've been made that way. If they were made straight... Uh-huh. It's... I mean, we've been conned... Yeah. ...so that we have to buy our shoes in pairs.

I totally agree. I'm going to swap mine for you in the. I totally agree. I'm going to swap mine during the next song. Honestly, I'm going to start... Is this going to be another one of your Skinner brand ideas? When I've got the restaurant out of the way, Frank Skinner's straight shoes. Straight walking. That's what I'll call them.

Straight walking. That's good. Oh, my God. It's perfect. Yeah. We had some restaurants... Martin Williams has texted us. He's one of my regulars.

I believe it's 131, isn't it? Oh, is that one? Oh, God, that feels like the moment when Kendo Nagasaki's mask came off on the telly. Very similar. He says, how about the Gato Chateau? The Gato Chateau. That's good. Yeah. You know, for your... What about

In the Gato? In the Gato. In the Gato. He could have a live Elvis performer. He's also suggested a restaurant owned by the Speaker of the House of Commons. Hors d'oeuvres, hors d'oeuvres. Excellent. Very good. Your restaurant that's just starters, you could call it, and that's just for starters.

Because that's the thing people say, isn't it? Absolutely terrible idea. At one of the worst ones you've ever had. Picture the sign, if people say, isn't it? Absolutely terrible idea. No. Sorry, I'm just for starters. Picture the sign, if you will, how long that would have to be. Just for starters. You'd have to go across... You know that laundrette next door? You'd have to go across there, Sainich.

Yeah. They're going out of business, though, aren't they, the laundrettes? They're all pubs now. Is that all right? People have got their own washing machine. There's a laundrette round the corner from me. Can we talk about something a bit more affluent, please? Old people have got their own washing machine. There's a laundrette round the corner from me. Can we talk about something a bit more affluent, please? Oh, people have got their own washing machine.

There's a laundrette round the corner from me. That's an absolute right idea. There's a laundrette round the corner from me. It's shut down. It's reopened as a gas truck called the laundrette. This is what we call anti-trending. Yeah. People have got their own washing machine.

Shocker. Except on EastEnders, obviously. Oh, yeah, that would be a disaster. People have got their own washing machine, shocker. Except Tony Stenders, obviously. Oh, yeah, that'd be a disaster. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Guess what, Frank? Um, yellow. Until, correct, until 1850, shoes had no left or right. That's from Eddie P. What? Say? How does he know? That's an extraordinary piece of information. Is he a shoe historian?

He might be a shoe historian. That's not so crazy, is he? I think it's pretty crazy. You meet less of them than the designers, say. Yeah, you do. That doesn't mean they don't exist. That's true, yeah. Besides, they're in the reading room at Timpson's doing research.

I love it when you two talk about fashion. We've had some more suggestions for these sort of restaurant-type places. Some of them are starting to make mine look good. 683, I want to call a breakfast bar Croissant Nerf. A little bit of a rude reference there. Well, well, not necessarily. Okay. There's a, you know, it's just a number.

Okay. Go on. Oh, I get it now, yeah. Which is what I say to men all the time of that age. Yeah. Good morning all. Name for restaurant selling just starters. Starters for ten selling just starters, starters

for ten, but see that's worse as well because then you could only have groups of ten come, yeah or you could only charge that for ten quid yeah, but you might be able to find a way around it yeah it's not ideal though is it, what about just calling it starters

isn't that what I said did you, oh no I said just for starters. Let's not go... This is a great conversation. Yeah, this is... 566, my mate... This is radio through the rearview mirror.

My mate set up a steak restaurant in Portugal called Love Meat Tender. That's from Simon, who's an art dealer. That's not bad. That's good. That's OK. I think that's the best we've had today. But I'd think... No.

Oh, they don't do well done there, so I'm not going there. That's what I am. It's well done. That's not bad. That's good. That's okay. I think that's the best we've had today. But I'd think of that, oh, they don't do well done there, so I'm not going there. That's what I am. It's well done. That's my problem. The best we've had today is that story, have you read about The Only Way's Fish? It reminds me of The Only Way's Fish. Did you hear about this? Yeah.

No, I don't understand The Only Way's Fish. Can you explain this? Okay. Well, let me tell you what. There's a restaurant. I will be taking questions upon the subject. There's a restaurant, and they've called it The Only Way's Fish. It's a restaurant i will be taking questions there's a restaurant and they've called it the only ways fish it's a fish it's in essex it's a fish and

chip shop basically yeah but quite nice the only way is fish and then the people from the only ways essex have said we own the phrase the only ways essex but they've changed the last word of it so they don't i think why do they still own it presumably they're in the last word of it so they don't... Why do they still own it? Presumably they own the phrase, the only way is. Well, they don't, do they? Surely Yaz... LAUGHTER She had previous. Why can't Yaz sue

the only way is Essex and saying, well, I've got the only way is up and you've just put a different... The only way is Essex did to Yaz. What these people... I think Yaz needs to be speaking to her legal team right now. Well, it's difficult because Yaz is in a tricky situation because she's just opened a beauty parlour called Vyazling.

So it's a bit of a two-way street at the moment. I like that your manager got his blackberry out. The smell of a lawsuit. That wakes him up in the morning. But it's right, though, isn't it? They've surely taken the only way he's asked is from the only way he's up. Do you know, Frank, you're so right. You've got a keen legal brain.

If anyone from the only way he's fish is listening, I think you should bring this up if it goes to court. If anyone from the only way he's fish is listening, terrible name. Can I be honest? Is it? It's not a pun, though, is it? It's not a pun though no it's not but here we are talking about it we are talking about because they're in despair because they're being sued or

threatened by lime lime people lime production well they're just gonna they're gonna avoid you know famous uh reality tv what about if they had a picture of the woman proprietress yeah photoshop so she's a fish from the waist down right and they could call it mermaid in chelsea see that that's that's that's the way the problem is that just go for your basic fish you don't want to call it in in essex anyway do you because you know you want to if you you wanted to go around the country, it's all right if it says Chelsea in the title. Yeah.

Because you get things like Blah Blah of London in Bradford. Yeah, yeah, you get Chelsea boots in other places. Could Olly Murs do a sort of a meets the cast of Made in Chelsea or Murs Made in Chelsea? Could that work? It wouldn't work. I'm just trying to help him out. The projects just aren't coming in at the moment.

He's doing all right, isn't he? Well, you know that thing that, when we were going to build a church in the Arctic, me and him. Oh, yeah. You and Ollie. Do you remember that? No.

It was called... Oh, here we go. It was called Cold, Frank, Incense and Merse. We were going to build a Catholic church in the Arctic. That was a journey. I enjoyed the journey. Yes, it was great. We used dogs at first, but we had to eat them at Base Camp 3. I have to say, Ollie ate them with a certain amount of delight.

I thought we were having to just to save ourselves, but Ollie was loving it. He loved it. Yeah, he's a real carnivore, Ollie Merse. I mean, like know, just to save ourselves. But Ollie was loving it. He loved it. Yeah, he's got a... He's a real carnivore, Ollie Merth. I mean, like, in the truest sense. This is Frank Skinner of Sniff Radio. What about my different cricket school, Jiminy Cricket?

I know, that was a moment I just moved on. What are we going to do? We skated over that quite well, left you with dignity. What are we going to do? We skated over that quite well, left you with dignity. What are we going to do? But you're pressing the bruise again on your cell phone, you're going back to it. It was terrible, though. It was awful.

It was descot territory. It really was. Yeah. Never mind. OK, so... You know, did I tell you that Jimmy Cricket once sent me a letter? What did it say? And it was asking me...

He follows the Nazarene as well. Does he? But anyway, it started off with a joke. Yeah, his son's a priest. Shut up. Stop going on about it. So the letter started off, Dear Frank, hope you're well.

It's been very cold just lately. He went straight into... I opened my wardrobe door the other day and my jacket was wearing my overcoat. He opened with a cracking joke. Excellent. Is he your friend, then? It made me happy.

Well, you know, we're all friends in showbiz. Are you? Actually, I know about seven people are absolutely odd. But comedies yeah he's funny man jimmy crack okay so i won a talent competition doing an impersonation of him david bellamy and frank spencer when i was uh 10 on holiday did you yeah you go and the rest is history that doesn't date it at all um ben has uh tweeted us actually after seeing a pudding restaurant called Afters I suggested a better name would be

Witherspoons that is really excellent I like that a lot clever there might be some legal problems with that as well could Gareth Gates have a restaurant called Mermaid in Chelsea maybe not we're also having people saying we have fish and chip shops called Mermaid in Chelsea. Maybe not.

We're also having people saying we have fish and chip shops in the black country called Oh My Cod and The Codfather. I don't think that's just the black country. They do that. I don't like sacrilegious, anyway. Oh, really? Yeah, but you could call it OMC. OMC's good. That's good.

I always thought, what about the steaming cod piece? That's a perfectly reasonable name for a fish and chip shop. It is. No, but I don't want to talk about last night. And also, what about not out of place? Not out of place. I mean, that's... Then you know.

They've still got some, although people don't really eat place much, do they? Oh, they do. Fish and chip shops, do they? Yeah, but place comes in very useful for punning. It does. Punning the place. Yeah, you could have between a rock salmon and a hard place.

Why do you have to put the salmon in and ruin it? Well, rock salmon? Rock salmon! You don't have to put out the red light! Rock salmon! Do you think that would have been a hit if it had been about rock salmon? You would have preferred it. You don't have to put out the red light Rock Salmon Do you think that would have been a hit if it had been about Rock Salmon? You would have preferred it

Yeah, but anything that I don't mind the original, Frank Batter the devil you know Sorry, carry on I made a joke and you totally ignored it Sorry, I was Did you get it? I was being a little unprofessional

Did everyone else in the room get it? Thank you Oh, dear, you're doing that thing when people do a joke, no-one laughs and you say, do you hear what I say? No. Yeah. You should be familiar with that, my friend. Yes, I just do it again.

And again. What about a 687? Perhaps it should be the only way is Haddock. Well, I think... Does that make sense? But they're being the same problem with the only way is Essex. Yeah, exactly. They don't have a particular problem with fish.

Do you know what? If they've actually got a legal right to stop people saying the only way is, that's going to make people giving directions much harder, isn't it? It's going to be very difficult. It's going to be a real problem. No, it's going to. When you know there's a road closure and you say, look, I'm sorry, but the only way is, oh, I can't tell you.

I can't tell you how to get there. No, but it'll popularise the only way is... Oh, I can't tell you. I can't tell you how to get there. No, but it'll popularise the alternative route as a concept. It will. Because no-one will be able to say the only way. They'll always look for something different. In fact, it could lead to a boost in the sales of the road less travelled. That's true.

In a roundabout, you see. So, isn't it funny how everything is intertwined? The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Why not text the show on 8 12 15

question mark don't put the question mark that was the end of that sentence follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I've said it. We can't text us on other things than suggested fish and chip shop names. Yes.

We're accepting all texts. But they are loving those suggested names. We've got an army of punners. Well, Liz has tweeted and pointed out that there was a Sheffield Wednesday season ticket promotion called The Only Way Is Essex after the postcode. Essex, that is excellent. That's fine work.

Masterful work, yeah. See, but presumably they can't do that now because The Only Way Is Essex will even be even angrier because it sounds even more like the only way is Essex. These people have got to be stopped. I like the concept of them being angry. Yeah. We've had a few people that have texted saying they've seen a kebab van called Jason Donovan.

Oh, I see, yeah. Was he running it, though, in fairness? I know that was David Van Day. Hopefully he's not litigious, otherwise he could have a go at the whole thing, because surely that's his name, like Jason Donovan. Oh, he's not litigious, is he? What about Caribbean restaurant Jamaican Me Hungry? That's good.

That's very good indeed. I love that. Dave Gorman used to do these, didn't he, when he was on? Did he? I think so. Oh, he's going to go Towie on us. He's going to sue us. I don't know, I think we just continue in his grand tradition.

G'day, Frank. Australia is the land of the pun-based pie shop. My favourite. I only have pies for you. It's always with that, it feels like. Minimises their opportunity of selling those pies. Exactly.

Makes you feel like a specialist market. Niche. Anyway, let's just makes you feel like a specialist market. Niche. Anyway, let's just have a pun. No one loves a pun more than me, but after a bit it starts to... I get a tiny trickle of blood from each ear. Yeah. I just have to be released.

What else have we got? Why don't we move towards email corner in a chassé, sachet way. Are you allowed to say that? I thought you'd stop saying that. I, yeah, I've sort of stopped, but... Do you want me to play the email corner jingle? If you like, it's your, it's your gig. I'll be with you in a minute. It's your manor. Just talk, just talk

amongst yourselves. Play what you want. Um. It's his manor. Oh, there it is. No, no, here it comes. Daisy and Frank both went over looking stressed in glasses. Sure, sure. Both got glasses on.

It's like the Proclaimers this morning. I'll play this instead. Of course you don't get what he's saying now. Going home and going down the rock island land. She said, but I fooled you, I fooled you. I got pig iron, I got pig iron. I got all pig iron. So here we are in Email Corner.

Email Corner. I think there's quite a sexy dance to that. Yeah, I enjoyed it. I never saw it. Missed. Here we have... Oh, I don't like that. Oh, it's like Michelle Thomas.

Do you know Michelle Thomas' language tapes? Yeah. Yeah, very good. No, I'm not familiar with them. He's an excellent language teacher like Michelle Thomas. Do you know Michelle Thomas' language tapes? Yeah. Yeah, very good. No, I'm not familiar with them. He's an excellent language teacher, Michelle Thomas, but when he'll say things like, Cheve, I'm on my way. Well, why doesn't he call Ricky to make some private?

I know, it's... It sounds like he's finishing a humbug. Oh, why do they do that? It's the dentures, isn't it, falling out? Is that what it is? It is. Poor Michelle Thomas. When was it made, in the 70s? I isn't it, falling out? Is that what it is? It is. Poor Michelle Thomas. When was it made, in the 70s?

Um, I don't know when it was made. They didn't fix things back then, did they? He'd, um, he was, uh, I think he'd escaped from the Nazis or something. Yeah, he had a really interesting life, hadn't he? Yeah. You'd think they'd have caught him, wouldn't you? They'd have, uh... It's been a good aide-memoire here.

I've been meaning to get the full Spanish and French, Michelle Thomas Once I've finished this talking book, maybe I'll learn a couple of languages What talking book are you on? I'm on a ranking Oh, are you? Yeah, don't mind a bit of a pacey thriller You know, a crime thriller Rebus, solving one of them

Anyway Sort of upbeat Well, by my standards. Upbeat downranking. You're going to look obvious when you wind up your waist. More from Very Depressing Book Club next week. Yeah. Hello.

Here in Canada, the packaging, this is an email by the way, it's not just me speaking. Maybe we should hold this. I think I have to play some music. Cliffhanger email. Yeah. We know it's in Canada. What else could possibly be in the email well i bet there's something good because there's a little twinkle in the cockerel's eye you know what i'm saying this is frank skinner we still are and we were in canada hello here in Canada, the packaging on all food is in both English and French.

Even the most unilingual English-speaking Canadians know what flocons de maize, cornflakes, fèves au lard, beans with fatty bits of pork in, and other staples are in both languages from seeing the French side of the box or can. That's a really clever idea, isn't it? It's a good way of learning if everything that you bought in England had got it in French and German on it as well. It's a great idea.

I mean, I know that stop in Welsh is Araf and that's just from roadside. That'll come in useful. Yes, that's... It's good if I ever have to come to a stop in Wales. I found it. That gay bar I was in in Swansea. I was glad of it.

I mean, we're steadily getting there. That'd be your work in the S&M community, Frank. No, but we used to say Nestles, and now we say Nestle. Oh, yes. And Dime Bar, they used to be... I'm not going to say what you just mispronounced in the break. What was... Oh, what was it?

What was it? I can't remember. No, I don't know. Oh, you're not going to say it? No, I'm not going to say it. But Dime Bar used to be D-I-M-E. And now it's the Swedish... Dane.

Yeah. Right, that's good, isn't it? So we're catching up. We love those, don't we? We're catching up. Michelle Thomas's work has not been wasted. So for people listening for the first time, they may not know why this emailer is telling us about this,

but Cadbury's creme eggs, Cadbury's cream eggs. Can I say to anyone new, is that I was saying that because Cadbury's spell their creme eggs, so-called creme eggs, C-R-E-M-E, they're actually taking the French spelling, which should be pronounced creme. So they should be Cadbury's creme eggs, that was my point. Yes, Cadbury's creme eggs.

But then I found that people shorten crematorium to creme. That's probably it. And also, but you could have the cremelin, which would be like a shop that specialised in creme eggs. Oh, that's such a good idea. That's a good idea. That's probably your best of the day, I would say. Thanks very much. Cadbury's cre cream eggs. Oh, that's such a good idea. Yeah, that's a good idea. That's probably your best of the day, I would say. Thanks very much.

You think it is? Cadbury's cream eggs here. The whole day. It's written the rest of the day off. Well, you peaked early, haven't you? You can't get better than that. I peaked at about half past eight. But it was still there.

Cadbury's cream eggs here bear the words oeuf fondant here. Icing egg. And don't have the French word creme on the French side at all. You see, because there's a lot of French speakers and they say, should there be creme, not creme?

That's what they'd say. There's also a dairy beverage that they sell here around Christmas time only, which is called eggnog. Oh, I heart eggnog. It's a sweet egg and milk mixture. Yeah, I've heard of Eggnog. He's talking about it with me. I've heard of it. Sort of like a non-boozy advocate.

Is he all from Birmingham, darling? It's because you're from Birmingham, he thinks you don't know anything. These people... The French name for that... They were colonists originally. Oh, now I've found out why. They're teaching their grandmothers to suck creme eggs. The French name for that is lait de poulet, or chicken's milk. In the unlikely event you do find this...

That sounds nice. In the unlikely event you do find this interesting enough to read this out, perhaps it would be fun to have the cockerel do it. I always love it when drama schoolboy tries to emphasise his working-class roots by mispronouncing French. Oh! See, it's not just you guys that he was patronising. And then how does he sign off, John Edwards?

Salut et bon matin. That's very well done. Thanks very much. Well done, drama school boy. Yeah. That's his new name. I don't like this idea that you have to be middle class to go to drama school.

That's not fair. No, that's a very good point. And actually, some of the most working class people I ever met were to drama school. That's not fair. No. That's a very good point. Some of the most working class people I ever met were at drama school. Yeah. Ever. Which one were you at? I'm so sorry. The Welsh College of Music and Drama. Oh, well, there would be. Yeah. You went to some Jude the

Obscure type one. That's right, yeah. That's, um, yes. I think that's very harsh. You're quite right that the acting tradition is packed with working class people. Of course it is. I think there's very harsh. You're quite right that the acting tradition is packed with working-class people. I think there's four, is it? It reminds me of when my mother said to me... Eight if you count the Beatles in Hard Day's Night.

It reminds me of when my mother said, I said, what class are we? And she said, we're classless, darling. What did she? The darling tends to... As we've often quoted from Ian Dury's biopic, we're arts and crafts. We are.

That's it. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. That thing about the man in Canada in the French. Oh, yeah. You know the... You've got really confident and arrogant with your French now. Well, that helps, doesn't it? Drama school boy.

It helps your French, yeah. It's, you know, the eggnog missionary that sent in that thing. Thanks for joining in, by the way. Interesting stuff. But I was in Montreal and

I just went on the... On Montreal, as others may call it. Yeah, I went just to get a couple of boss tickets and I think it was on the ground. Anyway, I went in and there was like a French man with the big French moustache behind the counter and I said, just two tickets, please. And he went...

And I said, two? And I held up the note, two. And he went... And this guy said two and i held up they know two and he went and this guy said to me you need to say it in french i said well i don't speak french he said what you won't say the tickets and i said well i'm not saying it in french he said i'll tell you what to say i said i'm not doing it so there was a queue there's like 18 20 people behind me this bloke was just and he looked at he came right up to the perspex and I went up to the perspex so our faces were really close and he would not, in

the end this guy stepped forward from the queue, bought two tickets in French, gave them to me and it was, at the time I was outraged but looking back it would have been good for me to have done it in French. It doesn't sound remotely like you either being unreasonable. I think like you either, being that unreasonable.

I think we should, being a slight git. I think that it should be like in a Mexican restaurant. If you can't say jalapenos, you shouldn't be able to buy them. Yeah. You could have that across there. I was once in a Subway sandwich shop in Cardiff because I was in the queue and I said, I'll have some of those

jalapenos, is it? And I really went high Mexican. I went high Mexican. And the bloke on the counter went, it's jalapenos, mate. And you should have said, it's jalapenos, senor. And then he would have put you in the deep fat fryer.

Nobody puts drama school boy in the deep fat fryer. What film is that from? That's from Dirty Dancing. Letter to Brezhnev. Oh. OK, can we read the second email, please? OK. The second email.

Isn't that a Harrison Ford film? Oui. Oui. Do you want us to read it simultaneously? Yeah, it's a great film. He just sits there reading emails for 90 minutes. It's from Gaz. Yo, Gaz.

He says, Morning, Frank, the lovely Miss Emily, and not least, Monsieur Lecoq. OK. I've just come back... Bonjour. I've just come back off my holidays from... Nice.

And on the flight on the way home... Oh, when people used to say... Before the age of spray tan... Yeah. People used to say, Oh, you've been away. You can't say it out of the blue. Nice. And on the flight on the way home Oh, when people used to say, before the age of spray tan, people used to say, oh, you've been away. You can't say it out of the blue. No. On the flight on the way home was an

excellent selection of movies, one of which was the Proclaimers-based musical film, Sunshine on Leith. Never seen that. No. No. I'd like to, though. Dexter Fletcher directed it. Oh, well, you love all that. You love all that. It's what, films? Films about the Proc all that. You love all that. It's what, films? Scottish.

Films about the proclaimers. You love all that, you. Scottish things. Not that I don't like Scottish things, but, you know, we'll see how it goes. That's what he has on his pen pals page. We'll see where it goes. I won't say what I'm not wanting. On his pen pals page, hobbies, Scottish things, writing letters.

When they got to Letter From America, I had the following lyrics. I'm going to pronounce this in the correct way. Bathgate no more. Linwood no more. Do I sound like I'm announcing the football school? It's a bit like the shipping forecast or something. Bathgate no more. It sounds like a terrible post-nuclear news bulletin.

All the shot, no more. Carry on, then, with War Of The Worlds. Imagine if that was the last voice you heard. Oh, it would be awful, wouldn't it? This could be the competition winners. When they were trying to find the name for Faith No More, people were sending in suggestions. OK, and the winner is Methyl No More.

Irvin No More. It got me wondering. I know the song. OK. Yeah. As the cockerel... Yeah, but you've never heard it read quite like that. As the cockerel is from north of the border...

Indeed. ...and wondered if he knew Linwood and whether the line Linwood No More means that Lin now wouldn't. Anyway, that's my thought for the day. I wonder what you think. Ah, Linwood. This is a Frank Skinner joke, really, isn't it? Well, it's an old joke. Linwood. Do you know Linwood? No, but thanks for the tip.

Although I did used to live near Irvine, the place that's mentioned there, Irvine. I don't know Irvine, but thanks for the tip. Doesn't really work, does it? There was that woman, Lin it? Doesn't work. Was that woman Lynne Fouldswood? Yes. Oh, yeah. Do you know Lynne Fouldswood? No, but the very thought of it makes my eyes water. You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from

Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. Yeah, we're entrenched.

You know that last email we did about that question about the Proclaimers song? He finishes the email with Anyway, that's my thought for the day. Wonder what you think. You know there are rival, anyway, that's my thought for the day, wonder what you think. You know there are rival radio stations that have an actual thought for the day.

Wouldn't it be nice if, rather than a religious message, it was just somebody that listened going, is this a thing? Just a weird question. Well, maybe we should introduce a thought for the day. Maybe we should get the guy from Liverpool Philharmonic to do a thought for the Day jingle.

That's a good idea. And then we'll have a Thought for the Day. It's a lovely idea. And we could rotate it so we each do it in turn. Yeah, that's a nice idea. Or people could text in their Thought for Today. Yeah. But you know what people would do?

People would text stuff that they've read. You know, someone at Jerry Seinfeld said they'd pretend it was theirs. We'd read it out. They'd get off the internet. We'd be party to plagiarism. And I'd probably just, you know, walk in front of a car. We'll do email three instead. But you also have some direction.

You do that every day anyway. Yeah, I know. It's a terrible thing. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. I was wondering if the team was aware of a Finnish word, pilkunusija. We're really getting through the foreign languages today. Isn't it today? Michel Thomas was rolling in. Pilkunutsija. We're really getting through the foreign languages today. It's great, isn't it, today?

Michel Thomas was the role in it. Pilkunutsija. Which roughly translated means... Never on a first date. Grammar Nazi. Sorry, Alan or Emily. Pilkunutsija. That's what I think.

Sorry, Alan or Emily, for making you pronounce this. Hopefully we won't have another Descartes moment. We've had it already. They're beating up Alan Cochran this morning. It's because Can I say in a way of balance that I watched the first episode two episodes of Alan Cochran's

new sitcom. What's it called? Trying Again? Trying Again. On what channel? Sky Living. Can I tell you something completely honestly. I haven't even said this to Alan Cochran. I thought it was really funny and I thought he was really, really good in it. Carry on. Can I say, he did say that to me off-air as well.

I'm welling up here. Sure are. You've had your praise, now get on with your job. I thought that Frank may be... I thought that Frank may appreciate being called this instead of a bit of a git. It seems to sum him up nicely. He's not only someone who corrects grammar, but someone also who nitpicks about anything at the cost of popularity, self-esteem and mental well-being.

No offence intended here. I'm not about self-esteem. But I'm sure Emily will agree that he does get himself into some arthritic claw situations. Oh, he does. I hope this isn't one of the surprising facts that everybody actually already knows. No, I didn't know, I didn't know this.

But I like the idea of starting sentences. I hate to be a Pilkenutzie, but... You should do that. One of my ones now on tour with my tour managers, when he says, I'll double-check, I'll say, are you going to double-check, or is this the first time you've checked? Oh, that poor man. Well, I think that's fair enough.

I think people overuse the double-check thing. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a few texts in from Pilkinusages. Oh, have we? Yeah, you know, earlier on I said Araf meant stop. I think it means slow. Oh, yeah.

Instead. Yeah, that was why I said it in meant stop. I think it means slow. Oh, yeah. Instead. Yeah, that was why I said it in the Welsh Gable. Yeah. Slow. Slow? Do you have to say it like that, by the way? Sluts, no. Stop it!

Got plenty of time. Oh, that's the worst thing of all time. Do you know the Welsh for no rush? That's funny. No rush. Don't encourage him. I will. I will.

Is this wrong? I just used the disabled toilet here. And when I use the disabled toilet, I always feel a bit guilty that it's not my toilet. But I felt today... It's not worse than you sitting slow and a Welsh gave off. No, but today, I was in there and I thought, oh God, I want to get in and out of here quick in case

I imagine going out and someone's waiting to use you and you feel like a monster. And I thought, oh, well, at least I've got my shoes on the wrong feet. That can't be. That's not good, is it, that I thought that. Oh my God.

Isn't it weird, the things that go through your mind, wouldn't you? Yeah, your mind? No, don't say it like observational comedy that we all relate to. No, I'm just thinking it was an odd thing, the way you try and placate your conscience. Like Jiminy Cricket. Oh, what about the work of Fogel? We haven't discussed Ben Fogel this morning.

I've been desperate to talk about this. Does he live in Fogel's Wood? Do you remember that programme? Do you know what Ben Fogel is? Do you remember Fogel's Wood? No, but thanks for the tip. Ben Fogel. What is it? He's a legend. No, he's what mums like. Your mum would say, he's handsome, isn't he?

Yes. He stopped a mugger. Well, I would say he went one better than stopping a mugger. Well, he gave him a black eye, the mugger. He said he was holding a briefcase, which I think was a bit too Ronnie's sketch myself. Did he say briefcase? Yeah, briefcase it was. Brilliant. Mugger

comes up to him on the street, he's tried to take his bag. Fogel, um, he's given him a black eye. He turned around and automatically bopped him. He punched him once. He said on twitter dear mugger it was nice for him to say dear given the formal given the circumstances uh dear mugger you picked the wrong man brilliant can i say first of all that violence is never the answer

he then said enjoy the black eye i thought it was once on blockbusters it turned out to be bigger Enjoy the black eye. I thought it was once on Blockbusters. It turned out to be Vigga. And I don't like the idea that there's a right man to be mugged. What Ben Fogel, Ben Fogel, who I have to say, has got testosterone plus. And you know I'm testosterone intolerant.

He has got this thing that you picked on the wrong man. So someone, he's thinking of someone like me, a wimpish sort of man. He's the right man for a mugger. Oh, it's so true. It's what he's saying, isn't he? If you're going to mug someone, it's fine, but make sure they're a pretty wimpy kind of a guy who kind of deserves it, in a way, for being wimpy.

You know what I'm saying? Can I tell you what I found more offensive? Oh, someone smite my drink! Woo! Yes. We should come back to Fogel, because it's a particular... You know, I've met Fogel, and he's...

Why are you calling him Fogel? Like he's Yoda or something. You've worked with Fogel, haven't you? But he thinks he's Yoda, doesn't he? Does he? Yeah, he thinks he's like the supermaster of the martial arts. I love that he's called or something. You've worked with Fogel, haven't you? But he thinks he's Yoda, doesn't he? Does he? Yeah, he thinks he's like the super master of the martial arts. I love that he's called Fogel. We will never use the name Ben. I love Fogel.

No, I'm sure... More Fogel in a bit. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Talking about Fogel Yes

And you were saying you weren't a fan Well I Or you weren't a fan of how he responded in this situation When I met him he was a very nice bloke He was on Room 101 To be honest he got a bit bullied by Janet Street Porter For all his super macho Yes I remember

But even on there, his picks were luggage on wheels, which I totally agree with, as you know. For the noise and for the fact people have got this thing behind them and all that. He said people should just carry heavy things. Yeah. I mean, he's so...

His dad was a rower, though, didn't he? Yeah, but umbrellas he wanted to play. He did that rowing with James Cracknell. He should have seen his... Just get wet. That was Yeah, but umbrellas he wanted to put in. He did that rowing with James Cracknell. He should have seen his... Just get wet. That was his thing with umbrellas. Yeah. And I just, in this article, he said that the mugger caught him on a rare occasion

when he was wearing a suit and carrying a bag. Yeah. You know, those wimpish things. No, I think... No, that's what he meant, because he usually has got khaki shorts and a survival knife, and he's carrying a canoe. See, I really like this story. I feel like we're coming at this from different... Well, you're much more male than I am.

I'm not much more male. It's because she went to drama school, as we've established, and you feel you have to overcompensate. But I think the fact that he seems to be a nice person on the telly and that he bopped someone in the eye is the satisfying thing about it. You'd sort of expect that if he was a cage fighter or something, but it's... Yeah, but what about? It's bogus. Can't I just say?

No, but he's all about endurance and extreme and iron man-ish. Yeah, he also... What about when he said, I'm fine, suit scuffed a bit and knuckles bruised? Great. Suit can't be scuffed. That's the preserve of shoes. And also knuckles bruised, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, you know, because I hit him that hard. I love that. It's a bit White Power Ranger. And also, knuckles bruised. Yeah. Yeah, you know, because I hit him that hard. It's a bit White Power Ranger. And also, instinctively, just hit him in the face. Like, at core, he's an aggressive, attacking man, whereas we are good. I'd have just run away.

I'd rather lose the money than be that person. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text us on 81215. We want to hear from you. You're our people. Follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio or email the show through the Absolute Radio website.

We're talking before we cross the hour, as they say in broadcasting. Oh, I like that. Before we cross the hour, we're talking about... You sounded so professional. Yeah, slick, slick in broadcasting. Oh, I like that. Before we crossed the hour, we were talking about... You sounded so professional. Yeah, slick, slick, innit, from Drama Schoolboy. Look down, get a hang-up about that. I'm not going to, I'm not going to.

It was a long time ago. About Ben Fogel's tweets. You know, I mean, I've got a BA, an MA in English and two honorary doctorates, but I don't feel bad about that. I still think you're working class, even in spite of all of that. This idea that working class is the same as uneducated. Judo fifth dan. It's a real bugbear of mine.

Just take it easy. You're making a fool of yourself. Ben Fogel. Take it easy. It's 70s command. Ben Fogel tweeting his mugger, enjoy the black eye. I think there's a slight backfire into that because you can enjoy a black eye.

If you've ever achieved, if you've ever got a black eye through sport or misad black eye, I think there's a slight backfire into that because you can enjoy a black eye. If you've ever achieved, if you've ever got a black eye through sport or misadventure, there is a point where you kind of go, oh, I've got a black eye. Yes, of course. Well, Ben Fogel would be profoundly proud of a black eye. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if that exists in the mugging community when they meet up with other muggers and go,

oh, backfire, try to grab Ben Fogel. You probably don't look so good. They don't enjoy that. But I very nearly had a street, backfired. Yeah, I think you probably don't look so good. I don't enjoy that. But I very nearly had a street altercation this week. Oi, oi. I was driving my vehicle. He's doing that anti-drama school thing again. I was driving my car with my little girl in the back.

Yes. I was making a right turn from a junction. And as I was turning, a bloke jumped out from the pavement and across the front of the car and I nearly hit him. It was a hot day and I had the windows down and I let out a strong expletive and he turned round. Did you drop the bomb? I dropped a bomb and he turned round and went, what? And I went, I nearly hit you with the car and he went, do you want to went, I nearly hit you with the car.

And he went, do you want to come here and do something about it? He offered me a fight for him jumping in front of my vehicle. That's so Fogel. I love it. And I didn't quite know what it was that he'd said. And somewhat middle classly, I went, pardon? And he went, do you want to come here and do something about it? And I said, no, I was just concerned for you because I nearly hit you with a car. And he just kept saying, come on then, come and do something about it.

Were you not tempted to just drive over him at this point? Oh, honestly, he was on the pavement by then. Well, he could have mounted. Oh, I would have taken out about 15 people. It felt like... Was he nice looking? No. Did he look dangerous?

Not really, no. Oh, well, you should have got out then. I think... I cannot put a number on how many times I've replayed it in my head where I did get out and do something about it. And your daughter would have been so proud watching her dad mercilessly beat a man in the street. Anyway, she would have probably unbuckled herself and joined in, I think.

But you see, I've said it again, violence is never the answer. Well, I think... Do I believe that? It would have been great. It would have been great if it jumped out of the car and left it. It would have been, because somebody's going to do that again whereas the next time, you see, if you'd have beat the hell out of him, the next time he thought, oh, I'll be able to do that because there's that bloke. Yeah. That bloke

with the East European eyes jumped out and beat the hell out of me. And that drama school bloke beat me up last time. Yeah. and then you'd have learned to lesson skinner dean and cochran together the frank skinner show absolute radio i've had a text and i'd like to share with you this is from do you say caitlin or caitlin i never do know i say both okay um let's call the whole thing both this is from both frank i'm a wheelchair user and i love nothing more than

staring accusingly when someone strolls out of a disabled toilet when i've been waiting outside must admit i've never checked to see if their shoes are on the wrong feet i will do so next time i adopt a similar approach when disabled parking bays are abused. It's amazing how many bad limps appear when they see my intimidating glare. Can I say I would never use a disabled parking bay, but sometimes with a disabled toilet... That's a bit John Terry, that, isn't it? If I'm doing a standing, I think I'll be in and out in no time, you know. If I'm doing a standing?

I was once at Edgb Baston for a cricket match, and I was standing just leaning, waiting for someone. Glamourous laugh. And a guy in a wheelchair came up and started pointing at me, and I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, and he was just pointing, and I was going, yeah, yeah, no, it's me, it's me. And I realised I was standing in front of the disabled toilet door. That was a difficult moment.

Anyway, what else? Well, I mentioned my daughter, Princess Crazy, a moment ago. That cannot be her name, Stuart. That is her nickname in the house, and her big brother, Little Lord Fauntleroy, or Cockerel Junior. Cockerel Junior, Little Lord Fauntleroy, gets hiccups quite a lot, and sometimes they last overnight, so he'll go to bed with hiccups and get up the next day with hiccups quite a lot and sometimes they last overnight so he'll go to bed with hiccups

and get up the next day with hiccups but she came up with a fantastic bit of medical advice the other day he had the hiccups and she said she's nearly three but I think there's a real career for her in medicine, she said you're going to have to go to a doctor and get your head chopped off

I think that's a good idea that was her cure for the hiccups to a doctor and get your head chopped off. I think that's a good idea. That was her cure for the hiccups. Now, it's very hard to argue that that wouldn't work. I mean, that would cure your hiccups. It would work. So, you know, I think she's got a talent that we could nurture. How did he take it? He seemed like, are you sure there's not a better way?

No. You could call it hiccupitation. The only way that I know for curing hiccups is it only really works on adults and that is the element of surprise. It's when someone's got hiccups and I urge you to try this what you say is, oh I can fix

your hiccups and then you say to them what did you have for lunch yesterday? Yeah. And they pause and think, oh it must be related to what food I've eaten. And they think about what they had for lunch yesterday and then their hiccups have gone. And it genuinely works. Do you know, you had an air of the young Paul McKenna about you

when you were doing that. That's right, yeah. I really fell for that. I thought you were going to say, when they pause, you punch them in the stomach. It's the Ben Fogel approach. Yeah. To the point where I once did this on a tube.

Two drunk girls were on the tube and one of them was really loudly hiccuping and I said, I can cure your hiccups. What did you have for lunch yesterday? Oh, that's not a cheap chat-up line. No, it wasn't. I'll cure your hiccups, right? Come here.

Imagine if some guy with Eastern European eyes came over to you and said that. She was in distress and I felt like I'd be doing her a favour if I got rid of these quite loud, embarrassing hiccups. And she went, oh, they've gone. And at exactly that point, it was my stop, and I went, this is my stop, bye-bye. And I just got off the tube like some kind of amazing helper.

Yeah, so it's worth trying. Have you got a special tip? Well, it's usually the surprise thing. Well, there's two things. There's the surprise. I don't like surprises. The brown paper bag. I don't know if you can still...

You know, you've missed one of those behind someone. It's all gone a bit George Graham. What was the brown paper bag? Can you still get a brown paper bag? No. That's very good news. Yes and no reply. Surely if you can still get brown paper bags.

Indicating where we both hang out. I get them in artisan bakers all the time. Oh, okay. You know, when you get a big... I get them when I'm drinking alcohol on the streets of Los Angeles. And I want to conceal it. If you could still get them, then Prince Charles would be king, because by now he would have stood behind the Queen with one

and done the Big Bang. That's my version. The other one is drink a glass of water Upside down But you realise there is a reason Why the nostrils are facing downwards Yes This is scary This is

Frank Skinner Absolute Radio I can't talk on absolute radio this morning Yeah should we say that Daisy Says she has a foolproof... That's our producer, by the way. Says she has a foolproof cure for hiccups. She doesn't want to say it on air.

Beheading. She doesn't like that. She's quite shy. She doesn't like to speak on air. And to be honest, I don't encourage it. But I believe, correct me if I'm wrong... She said it's after. Yeah, see, the idea is that you put your fingers in your ears

and then someone else feeds you a glass of water and at the end or even halfway through that glass of water, the hiccups are gone. So that's good to know. I could have done that on a tube, though, could I? How could I have done that to some strangers on a tube? Well, they probably had some fluid in their handbag. It just had to have done it with half a bottle of vodka.

It's only worked when I've been scared. If someone terrifies me... Well, to be honest, I did once try that with Cockrell Jr. whilst he had hiccups and I was reading him his bedtime story and he nearly jumped through the roof, so I don't think that's... You know what he should have done? Dropped him off in Peckham at two in the morning. That would have scared him.

Well, I... I tell you who could have done with Daisy at his side. Yeah. Pope Pius XII. Oh, lovely couple. Who, um, who kind of, um, who sort of died of hiccups. He had a terrible, you don't want to bet overnight. He didn't. He had hiccups for months.

No. And got very ill and lost a lot of weight. Oh, lovely. And then he got. Absolutely lovely. So he's the way forward. And then he got ill again with hiccups and died. Lovely.

Pius XII was the man who was in control. He was in the seat during World War II. I thought he was in the S&M community. And he was condemned for not doing enough about the Nazis, for not speaking out against them. And I actually...

Do you like him? Coincidentally, because he didn't speak against the Nazis. Now, I do wear, I'm showing them now, I wear a Pius XII medallion around my neck. I just happened to pick it up in a Birmingham second-hand shop. And I think he was pretty arsely judged. But my son, Boz, was sitting on my lap, and he started playing with this.

And he was going, man, a man, pointing at this thing. And I said, it's Pope. It's the Pope. He's going, poop, poop. And someone said to me, which Pope is he? And I said, it's Pius XII, you know, he's blah, blah, blah, but he was known as Hitler's pope. And the boss started going, Hitler's pope, Hitler's pope. So every time I said the thing now, he says Hitler's pope.

I'm trying to discourage this narrow view of... Can I ask you a question, Frank? Sure. Who's your fave pope? Oh, well, I like the new one, but if you had to corner me, I'd probably go John XXIII. OK, thank you. Who's your favourite Pope? Texting.

8, 12, 15. Can I just say it's fave Pope? Do you think that's as wide appeal as texting as what's your cure for hiccups? Who's your favourite Pope? Bearing in mind we did once do Have You Ever Been Buried in a Field or something. We could put it on the absolute website, though, Top of the Popes. Top of the Popes. Our best song of the 80s.

Your manager's put his coat on, Frank, he's leaving. No, he's very, very anti-religious. He doesn't like me talking about it. He's my Alistair Campbell, we don't do God. This is frank skinner what about david cameron and nando's yeah yeah landos sorry that's what frank frank just so you're aware readers frank calls it nandos well it's a greek thing isn't it no it's not greek i think it's south african isn't it yeah south african

chain yeah is it i i don't know i thought it was all right well i'm sorry that you don't know but i do and yes it is south african really you know you're not hazarding a guess i i agree just because it's cockerel related you think it's your manner yeah it could be french couldn't it yeah french restaurant yeah but um it's uh isn't it one of those things when they do their i'm an ordinary person like you thing yeah perry perry chicken for chicken that's my older he had a glass of red wine that was his rookie mistake yeah you can't have a red wine in nandos yeah if he wants to be man of people he should have gone to Southern Fried Chicken. Yeah. The one that isn't Kentucky Fried Chicken. Yeah, just stood outside it with all his security entourage

eating out the box. It's like a tribute band, isn't it, Southern Fried Chicken? I love Southern Fried Chicken. It's like Noasis. It is. It's like, yeah, Shania Twin. What about security? Did a whole suite beforehand.

Yeah, two hours beforehand yeah which i think makes it immediately like oh this isn't just an impromptu drop in no as if you could have just when they went out to do the sweep he could have said to one of them i'll tell you what get it all to take away and come back you don't even have to do the check do you just buy it don't do exactly but then he wouldn't have had the photo opportunity can you imagine they must have had a meeting yeah where he said what what source you think because someone would have said you have to choose reen andos yeah yeah reen andos appearance and he would have um they would have said you better not have the mild sauce it's going to look like you're a bit wishy-washy yeah

so a little bit spicy order the hot sauce yeah no account sweat somebody said he didn't even look hot his face wasn't quite i'd agree with that he couldn't have you ever seen that place gallus empire of chicken no is it william gallus is it william galler william gallus has done a justice it's gallus oh but empire of chicken what a fantastic name for a restaurant there is. There's no Dixie Fried, but it'll do. I didn't know they had an empire. I always assumed because of the sort of the kernel that there was a sort of military dictatorship in the poultry world. But there is an empire of chicken.

Really creepy, that kernel, wasn't it? Nandos is Portuguese, you nutters, from Ali in Guildford. Yeah, but it's a South African company. Frank and I are right. Are you sure? Yes. Could you sure? Yes. Could you please text in? Frank, you know what I liked?

Was the comments from the onlookers at Nandos. One of them said, the whole of Nando's said, oh my God. Concept of the whole of Nando's. They could have saved a bit of time with the acronym OMG there. I'll tell you what KFC should have been called in this great line of punning thing. Battery Hen.

Because it's battery. Oh, yeah. In that it's got batter on it. Yeah, I know, but it's horrible. They might not have thought that was a salad. It doesn't matter that it works. It's absolutely disgusting. You are eating Battery Hen.

I know. They don't want you to think that, though, as you're doing it. I don't care what they want us to think at KFC. I'm not you know what I mean? They don't control my mind. Yeah. Oh I once went to Leicester City versus West Brom with Adrian Charles and we

stopped for KFC on the way back. Oh my god. Sorry. We stopped on the way there and then as we drove back we said shall we? I'll go and we stopped again. Yeah. And then as we drove back, we said, shall we? I'll go on. We stopped again. Nice. Double bubble. Oh.

You're listening to the Frank Skinner podcast from Absolute Radio. Want your Frank fix a little sooner? Listen live every Saturday from 8am on Absolute Radio. Across the UK on digital radio, mobile apps, and in London and the South East on 105.8 FM. Absolute Radio. So we're talking about David Cameron going to NANDOS. You know someone said to him, I was going to ask him about the state of the NHS but in the end I just said hello.

That's what Susanna Reid said. No, no. I'm pro good morning Britain. You're GMB. Mm-hmm. But there's been... Me GMB. This isn't the only Nando's news. Did you hear about this tattoo boy? Yes, it was in the paper today, actually.

Yeah. Quite a lot of his bottom was visible in a tabloid newspaper. Yeah. Bradley Holman. I know all the names. It all makes sense. Holman, by nature um yes he uh he's had he's had the nando's crest tattooed on his buttock the cockerel he's got the cockerel on his butter yeah but he wasn't doing it to get the infamous card? Yes, there is. The Nandos card.

There is a famous thing called the black card. But why would you do it on your bottle? Can I tell you who's got it? JLS has got it. Yeah? They've got it at the moment. Well, I don't know if they've still got it. It's under review.

Yes. David Beckham, he'll keep it. He'll get to keep it. Well, I met someone who had Kelly Brooks' black card and they were using it themselves. Wow. Who was that? She'd handed it over, I think. Was it Tony Temper? I think she'd done one of those things, you know, it was Lent

and she had to give up the black Nando. Can I say, by the way, if there's anyone from Nando's listening, I don't want one. Frank doesn't. Frank doesn't. And I'm not going to let anyone else on this show have one either. We don't beg on this show. Stick your black card.

If there is anyone from Nando's listening, I don't eat there because I think it's takeaway food at restaurant prices. That's my feeling. What's that at Nando's? Yeah, I think it's takeaway food at restaurant prices. If I want to pay restaurant prices, I'll go to a restaurant. You're a bit like this guy. This guy who wanted to get one

and said he's still hoping to get one said, if not, I'll replace the tattoo with a KFC because, which, let's face it, is better. He says it's much better, yeah. That's not the way to negotiate, is it? No, he did a total roll pass. That's a bit, I hate you, give me a present. Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly fine with handouts. I only went there for the first time recently.

There's no waitress service. I can't code. It's a very complicated system, and I had to take Gareth, who formerly was on this show, to take him in to explain it to me, because he goes there. And then we were in Preston, and he went to a place called Sando's.

What? Which, um, he was quite, um, he was a little bit bobbly afterwards, I have to say. I've got a really good idea for a restaurant. Why don't they just get a waiter to come and take your order? Oh, yeah, that old system. Oh, I hate that. Why?

Because you have to pay your service charge. No, I do, I hate, I love, one thing I'm enjoying at the moment is motorway services, where you go and pay for everything up front. Yeah. When you're finished, you just get up and walk away. You don't have to go, excuse me, and then wait for him to bring the bill and then wait for him to... No tipping, that's what he's really driving at. And I get called for it.

That's something you understand. Hey, hey. What I should do in restaurants... What about Ronald McDonald on the buttock? I'd like to order everything up front, in a posh restaurant, whatever restaurant, and say, look, in the inevitable delay between now and you bringing me the starter,

bring me the bill and I'll pay that. Yeah. I'll pay it now, it's done. And then we cut the head out and just walk off. I love that, just finish now, I'm off, and just push the chair back and you're gone. Yeah. Brilliant.

You don't like to be restrained. No, I mean, I have done a runner before, but that's a whole different thing. Anyway, I hope he gets his black card, because let's face it, he's gone the extra mile. Yeah, he wants it. Oh, God, he wants it. That's what I thought when I saw that.

Anyway. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Another idea of what David Cameron could have done. He could have just got one of his staff, one of his minions, to pop to, like, a local Tesco Express and get a load of bagged salad and a load of little tins of anchovies. Oh, no, don't start that.

Just tip it in. No. They could have all stood around with their bagged salads. Absolutely disgusting. And a teaspoon. We've had a text in, Frank, from Viz. Frank, why are you not the host of Eurovision? You're the best guy for the job.

It would give us a reason to watch it. What do you say to that? Well, that's... Because it's on tonight, we should say. Yes. Graham Norton does a fantastic job there. Yeah, he does. But what about Eurovision?

When he does Strictly, I suppose, I might have to... Is that what's happening? I think you'd be quite good, but you might be a bit of a git. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I do watch it. I mean, I'm gigging tonight, but normally me and my girlfriend would settle down for Eurovision.

Would you? And watch it. And always, about three minutes from the end, say, I don't know why we're bothering. It's nice to... It's a big night for me. You can't do that on the programme. It's a big night for me and many of my male fans and twitter followers

well are you going to live tweet throughout i don't know i have other engagements i'm afraid that's none of your business legend the british entrant is called molly smith and downs yes yeah what do we think of that i think that's a bit of a strange name. I like that she stopped with it, though. It must have been tempting to change her name to Molly Marvellous or something like that. Yeah, yeah. I've seen this song. Molly Coddled. Yes. Oh, that'd be good, Frank.

Molly Coddled. I've sampled her words. I looked at the video. It's writhing around in a dress on a bed. Going on about the world. You know how they do that. I'd love a look at that, yeah. It's got the most... in a dress on a bed. Going on about the world. You know how they do. I love the look of that.

It's got the most... Why do women do that? What, like I do that on a Saturday night? Well, why do they have to do the sexy thing all the time? Yeah. Just singing. Frank doesn't like... Okay. She had those high Greek sandals.

She did. You know those ones that wrap up your leg? And I always think, you know, if she gets a bit of sun on her in those... It's going to stripe up. Oh, it's going to look like trellis work. Just FYI. It'll look like one of Emily's pasties. Just FYI.

They're called gladiator sandals. Oh, they... Well, there you go. For future ref. But we... Attention must be paid to Conchita Wurst. Yes. That's the real star of Eurovision, Frank, this year.

Conchita Wurst. Yes, you're correct. The Austrian drag queen. Austrian drag queen. Can I say, I'm all for people expressing their personalities. But the name... But the name... Wurst is German for sausage.

It is. The first name includes the components con and cheetah. Yeah. I mean, it's like those messages that the Ridley used to send to Batman. Can you work this out? Con, cheetah, sausage. Yeah. All right. Please, Conchita, relax.

But, yeah, quite sexy. When I first saw her... Full comedy beard. Well, I don't think it's a comedy beard. No, it's not. It's a bit Kim Kardashian with the waxes away. For people that haven't seen the pictures, I would say she looks like a cross between Prince and Cheryl Cole. That's the

look that she's got. So Tanita Tikara? Yes. That's what you say. Conchita said, I can't believe that a little facial hair causes this much excitement. No. I like the fact that she's sticking with the beard. See me tomorrow morning. What's that? I like the fact she's sticking with the beard. See me tomorrow morning. What's that? I like the fact she's sticking with the beard, even for a glamorous

event. Because sometimes when I've got a beard, even as a gentleman, if I'm putting on like a black tie, if I'm going to a black tie event, I think, oh, it's a bit scruffy to have the beard. But I think if I was putting a sequined dress on, I might think, nah, this is definitely not a beard occasion.

Well, I wonder this about my comedy colleague, Eddie Izzard, because now he's got the goatee beard, does that mean that the ladies' dresses are gone forever? I don't know. Because it's a tricky combination. I mean, Conchita Verst might be able to do it in a slightly ironic

way, but that's not what he's having. Is it wrong and controversial that I find Conchita versed really attractive oh no i do do you understand that yeah i think well let's talk let's talk find something to like that frank doesn't i don't think from the look in his eye well i've always um i've always thought one of the the rough deals that women have he's having to kiss hairy men oh i don't mind a beard i don't like the uh the sense of being slightly scoured but you know as i But, you know,

as I say, I, you know, live and let live. That's my motto. That's one of my mottos, anyway. Along with you can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but the size of the crowd at your funeral will still be largely dictated by the weather. Lovely.

And, you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Thank you so much for listening. We love you and now get out!