The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - Highlights

Episode Date: November 10, 2012

This week, Frank was off sick so we played out some of the teams best bits!

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have something of an announcement to make. Do you? Now that I'm in golf. You want to clear your throat? Hold on. So I'm going to be a father. Congratulations.

Thank you very much. Yeah, that's what people always say, isn't it? Your birthday and a baby. Yes, I thought I'd rob in the fact that I'm an older parent by announcing it on my... I mean, are you slightly paranoid about any jokes you've made about famous ageing fathers in the past? What, the David Jason element? Did he? Did he?

Was he an old dad? Older? Oh, God, he was. Wasn't he 67 or something like that? Was he really? Yeah. John Humphreys was, and who was the famous one? Was it Des? Yeah, it was Des O'Connor. The way I'm seeing it is I probably won't have to deal with those difficult teenage years. I'll be out of there. Every cloud. Yeah, exactly, that's the way to look at it.

No, it's, I haven't really spoke about it to anyone, but I thought, you know, as you're my radio family. You thought we'll broadcast it to the nation. Well, you know, I feel that the people who listen to this show, what is there, 30 of them? I feel that they're intimates of mine rather than audience members. I imagine they're group texting each other right now. They're all sitting in the same room. They all meet in a church hall somewhere in the economy. I've already made certain pledges, you know, certain pledges. I don't want to be, and I know you do this occasionally, Alan,

but I don't want to be one of those comics that does material about their children. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, you definitely don't want to be a comic like me. That would be an aggressive step for your career, Frank. No, but you know what I mean? I once saw Robin Williams do a whole 25 of 25-minute thing about nappies. And I thought, well, I know what's in nappies. Where was the surprise element in this?

You can say that about any observational comedy, though. I've been on a train. What are you on about? Yes, I'm eating airport food. What's the point? Yeah, but there's something about it. People who don't have kids, they don't want to hear people who do have kids talking about having kids. That's my theory. I was once out. I went to a contemporary dance event with Tony Adams, Lee Dixon.

Who wasn't? Yeah, it was a... OK, it's against the grain, but the three of us went, and Adrian Childs as well. And we went for a dinner after, and there was lots of non-football people at the dinner. And me and Tony Adams was talking about football, and he was really, you know, he was telling me loads of

information. And Lee Dixon said Er, Addo, put the ball away mate. And I've said that to my girlfriend Kath a few times. We've gone into baby talk and I see people glazing over and I say Kath, put the ball away.

You know it's not a ball, don't you? It looks like a ball from the outside. Up at the top, but it's not a ball, don't you? It looks like a ball from the outside. Up at the top, but it's not a ball. It's a bump. Oh, that's fair enough. Also, I always think that, you know when people do that stuff, the funny things that kids say, they say, oh, my kid said this thing the other day. I always think if I was a child, I'd really, I'd never bond with my father if I knew he was using my material. Yes. Yeah. I'd think, just write it down, I'll use it when I get older. 526 has texted his congratulations already.

That's fantastic. Isn't that nice? He's quick off the... I'm going to remember that from 526. There's so few numbered congratulations I find in life. Yeah. So obviously it's going to change my whole... I mean, when you get to my age, you get up five or six times in the night anyway,

so that's not going to... Absolutely. It's the perfect time to start breeding. But our producer, Emma, is actually leaving today to have a baby. Daisy, who was in a... They're not related, you should know. No, no, it's not that.

Well, the babies might be related, but not to my knowledge. Just touch the Arnold Schwarzenegger about you. Yeah. Thanks very much. Well, can babies might be related, but not to my knowledge. Just touch the Arnold Schwarzenegger about you. Yeah. Thanks very much. Well, can I just say, I don't want to quote my own jokes, but there was a man in the audience last night from California, and I said, isn't Arnold Schwarzenegger the governor of California? And he said he was, but he isn't anymore.

And I said, I think you should anticipate his return. And the audience laughed, and I thought no one would get it, and I was so pleased. Anyway, they're always talking about babies, but then I remembered a joke I did. I got excited. This is what your child has in store. Exactly.

Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Frank, have you been enjoying Prince Harry in Jamaica? No. Oh, dear. Oh, my goodness. No, I think he went of his own accord. He didn't, of course. He's having a little bit of a...

I believe he didn't go on his own. I'm calling it a gap year, Frank. It's a bit of a gap year, isn't it? No, he's in the army, isn't he? He's in the army in the way that people in the royal family are in the army. In the way that Status Quo are in the army. No, I'd say Status Quo are more in the army. I don't know, I sort of think that...

Isn't Prince Harry in the army the way that I'm an honorary member of the Laurel and Hardy fan club? Right, OK. Isn't he? I don't know, I could be wrong. But anyway, he's found some time off to go to the West Indies. And he wore blue suede shoes.

They were blue desert boots. You see, posh people do like a pop of colour, I find. They love that. There's always a cravat or a red trouser. Red trousers. They love red trousers. Yes, they love a bit of... They love that.

Yeah, but what he's thought here is, we're going to be dancing, so I'll wear blue su side shoes like rock and roll. He's got it wronger than anyone's ever got anything in his whole life. But I think, having a close look, and I'm not one to advertise, but they look like Clarks to me. I don't think they were. I think they were Clarks.

Do you? We know, don't we, from our inside information, that Clarks shoes are basically currency in the West Indies. Hence the song, Everybody help me out, so me get me clerks. Everybody help me out, so me get me clerks. Dum-dee-me-dum-dum, so me get me clerks. You can do the advice if you're doing the song.

Sorry, can I just establish that was Frank's insider information he just talked about? Oh, what? Yes. Yeah, well, Yes, it's... So I think someone said to him as the ultimate gift, really, they've given him some blue gloves. No.

He can't have wore them in a... Oh, Elvis, he had blue suede shoes and he's a bit like Bob Marley. He can't have thought that, can he? I think a posh friend said to him, those look great, man. Absolutely wicked. They look so good with chinos.

I think that's exactly what happened. I think that's totally what said to him, those look great, man. Absolutely wicked. They look so good with chinos. I think that's exactly what happened. I think that's totally what happened. Oh, no. And surely, if he's going to a hot country, pop some flip-flops in the bag. Wear some flip-flops. It's sunny, wasn't it? I don't think you're allowed to wear flip-flops

if you're a member of the royal family. Or Birkenstocks, German. Yeah. Appropriate, wasn't it? Did he quote Bob Marley as well, which made me cringe a bit? Yes, he said, every little ting's going to be all right, is what he said. That was a terrible thing.

That reminds me of when my physics teacher once said, so you are able to get into the groove, as it were. Every little ting's going to... He may as well have gone word up. Oh, horrible. Yeah. I say, you do find when you're there that you think, oh, I better. I remember dancing to, you know, that one love.

I danced to that and they just kept playing the band and I thought, I better not sit down or people will think I'm racist. I danced for about two hours, 40 minutes. I couldn't see. I'd gone blind. I couldn't breathe. And I thought, you know, I don't want to upset these people. I actually thought these people, which of course gave the game away.

Let's get it um of the swimming pool not to the outsider particularly impressive achievement but to no i won't have that but to the frightened middle-aged man a mountain has been climbed even sandy war is um is is applauding in the other room it's it's aproof booth, but I know the visual for applause. Frank, I won't have you minimising your achievement because we're all very proud of you this morning, aren't we? I'll tell you what's... No-one answered. No-one answered in this room.

I'll tell you what slightly impaired it for me. When I did it, I got very excited. When my hand actually touched the wall at the end of the swimming pool, I was very excited and I turned to the crowd, who'd was very excited. And I turned to the crowd who'd been incredibly supportive. And I was in the crowd, just FYI. I'm afraid I clenched my fist and said, come on. It was back to Stuart Peirce style.

I was thinking Andy Murray. Worse still, I was thinking something I was thinking, Andy Murray's mum. And I thought, is that what happens? You learn to swim, you become Andyy morris mom i don't want people saying and every time i'm on telly saying uh is he divorced i don't i don't want that where's the dad i don't want that going on and then you splash the water with your fist which i like i

went crazy i mean some of the things looking back on now i mean that morning i i took such a time over my shave because i thought it would make me a little bit more aqua dynamic in the water. And I had a lot of pasta the night before. I thought, build up the carbs like I was going to do a marathon. Excellent. 25 metres we're talking. No, can I say

there was an element of jeopardy being poolside. I didn't go for flip flops. I went for chunky heels. Did you? I'm not changing my show for anyone. I thought that was sensible. There isn't a Veruca-flops. I went for chunky heels. I'm not changing my show for anyone. I thought that was sensible. There isn't a Veruca in Britain that would have gone through those heels. How have the Verucas dealt with your swimming? I haven't mentioned the

Verucas. Have they gone? No, I've just You never told them about it? I didn't tell them. I thought they'd find out soon enough. Even though when you first started doing it, we talked about them every week on the radio. I think all the sport relief money I've raised will be spent on the Veruca pandemic I've left behind me. Cleaning the pool.

No, but Frank, I would say it was 25 metres, about 20 metres in, there was a will-he-won't-he moment. I have to say, I thought, oh, the lad's tiring. And it was a moment of genuine jeopardy. No, I took in a bit of water. I could feel it. I thought, I'll blow it out next blow. But it didn't really come out.

It was at the back of my throat. And if I was just in the normal training sessions, I say training, in my lessons, that would have been my panic and stop point. Yeah, well, I saw on YouTube, I was travelling at the time, and I saw it, and the guy from Liverpool, the teacher, he took quite a stern tone with you on the bit of footage, and he was going, just don't worry about it.

I know. I loved that. That's the whole point, he is worried about it. That's what we all need. At the end of the day, any problem you've got in life ultimately needs someone to say, just pull yourself together. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. Now, can I start, before we go any further,

by saying I was shocked, horrified and upset by the topless photographs. Oh, yeah. I think it's disgusting. I'm talking, of course, about the new Cliff Richard Callaghan, which is previewed in the papers this morning. Oh, lovely. How old is Cliff? 72? I'll tell you. Well, he says, I'm making 70 the new 50.

Yeah. If I was 72, I think I'd be bringing my calendars out a month at a time. Like the game-by-game contract that players prone to injury sometimes take up. I think he looks smoking hot. He's got good abs. He's got a much better body than I have. Let me make that absolutely clear. The face I could, you know, I don't know if I'd swap

for the face. You've got a better face. It seems to be the same face on every picture. So I'm thinking he maybe had one when he thinks, yeah, I only look about 70 on that. We'll use that and just move it away a bit. Or it's lots of dishy

younger men wearing those face masks that you see sometimes. What if it was that? I'm just looking for elastic. Right. Can I just say, I'm not sure about a gold trouser in a Caribbean location, though. Well, I think that's good.

I think it reflects the sunlight and keeps everything cool downstairs. I like the one where he's on the jet ski. It's good. It reflects the sunlight and keeps everything cool downstairs. I like the one where he's on the jet ski and he's got a touch of the Vladimir Putin about it. You know when he catches fish or goes scuba diving or something. Mussolini used to do that. Right. Any photograph

Mussolini photo opportunity, take his shirt off and Putin has taken exactly the same so it's Mussolini Putin and Cliff Richard yeah the big three yeah exactly

that'd be a great pub quiz question what have they got in common he does look amazing he does and do you know

he says in the accompanying interview which I think is almost Pulitzer Prize winning some of the stuff they've got out of him it's on the long list

yeah Cliff says I'm never going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger and I can't argue with that no I think

he doesn't believe in coming back no no he's not he's not a Buddhist but guess what

this doesn't happen by chance these abs he says when I know my calendar is coming up yeah I go to the

gym for about three months before every other day so let that be a lesson to you boys I the gym for about three months before every other day. So let that be a lesson to you boys. I can do that in three months. That's absolutely brilliant. Yeah, and they can make your hair that colour as well. Of course, if ever there was a man who doesn't need love handles,

it's Cliff Richard. Enjoying neither love nor being handled in any way. No, he's just... That's a nice friend that he lives with. Well, you know... I think he's a... Isn't there friends? I know.

Does he live with anyone? Yes, he does. I thought he just lived with his record collection. No, I met Cliff. He was a nice fella. He calls him his property manager. Yeah. There we go.

I like it. I love an elaborate euphemism. No, brilliant. Of course, I mean, he's a very low profile character in the old days. To finish a gig, he wouldn't be off with, you know, he wouldn't be around with fans and all that. He was off with his party manager. He just used to slip into the shadows.

What else? What else is going on today? Well, what about Kate? We should talk about Kate, shouldn't we? We should, really. Let's call her our princess of hearts. Shall we? Yeah. You could start something there.

Yeah, that'd be good, I think. What did you think? What did you think, Amy? You're a lady. What can I say? Do you think it's bad? Oh, I think it's disgraceful. But I do think, I was surprised she was what I call a roof-down girl.

I didn't think she'd be that kind of girl. Well, I think, you know, one has to sacrifice many things when you become a member of the royal family. And I thought one of them might be Topless Sunbathing. Yes, I think you could be right. Because what you get back is not bad. Someone said to me, Topless Sunbathing, but here's a palace, and you never have to work again.

I know where I'd opt. Actually, I'd work. Obviously, I'd still come here. But I wouldn't come here topless like I normally do. You could walk, you know, from the palace. No, I'd come by... I'd love to arrive with one of them golden coach's hats on four horses on a Saturday morning.

Because you'd be sitting in there and you'd be like... Oh, here comes Frank. And then it'd be Shep pulling it. Yeah, I'm afraid Shep is no longer with us. I know. Wish you hadn't brought that up. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Oh, this is Frank Skinner. I'm on Absolute and I'm playing... No, no, I can't. I'm a large man doing that, terrible. Oh, Richard Maitley. Emily Dean. We're talking good. We're talking clean.

You can text us on 8-12-15. That's our scene. You know what I mean. Follow us on Twitter using Frank on Absolute. What? Don't shoot. That's cute. Oh, my God.

Oh, it's so embarrassing. I could feel my hat turning round so the peak was facing the back as I spoke. You know there's a bit where we do really funny bits on this show and Daisy the producer immediately... No, it used to be. Daisy the producer immediately scribbles it down for the trailer. I think that's just happened

with your little top-of-the-hour rap there. Oh, very embarrassing. So I'll look forward to hearing that on Absolute all week. I find people who rap for a living quite embarrassing but people when like

middle-aged men do it. Can I just say, Frank, that was the audio equivalent of Cliff Richard's calendar.

I think you're right and if only I'd practised for three months it would have been a lot better but I do feel like slipping into the

shadows now and never ever coming out again. Absolute. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now, what I think is, I was in the chair for two hours at the dentist, and I think there should be some sort of in-flight entertainment.

Right. Well, didn't you have any? Well, no. My dentist always gives me sex in the city entertainment. Right. Well, didn't you have any? Well, no. My dentist always gives me sex in the city box. They're all sorts. I wonder where that was going. Tell you what, he doesn't. Yes.

You don't know. There's a screen in there. There's a screen. No. Yes. Can you see it? You can keep saying no. I'm going to keep saying yes.

It happens. But the big light's in the way, isn't it? Well, it depends what procedures you're having. This is the dentist. I don't know where to look. Well, I mean, if I'd thought, I would have gone for my audio. Oh, you could have taken a Dracula or... Yeah, exactly.

I mean, that's finished now, isn't it? I listened to the talking book you gave me the other day, The War of the Worlds. How was it? It was great. A bit frightening? Yeah, a bit frightening. That's what you want from War of the Worlds.

But I knew that it was going to be frightening, so it was frightening, a bit frightening. That's what you want from all over the world. But I knew that it was going to be frightening, so it was frightening in a good way. Oh, spoiler alert. Yeah. 50 years later. Well, I went to my accountant's yesterday. A bit frightening?

How was that? No, it was all right. I walked past the Jimmy Carr shrine in the corner. Now, in the waiting room there... There's a waiting room and the accountant. Oh, I know what you mean. You know, when you go in the waiting room anywhere, you might get, you know, Reader's Digest or something like that. And that, Gio?

There's an iPad in my accountant's. You can... with games. Games loaded. No way. Yeah. So I had ten minutes with Angry Bird before I went into it. Angry Bird, like a friend of yours. Yeah. No, what happens is I Skyped Kath.

That's what I meant. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. When your allotment's getting a bit overgrown and it's clear that you've lost interest in it, is it like when you're in a car?

You know when you sit in a car and then someone who thinks, oh they're obviously leaving comes and pulls up and waits for you to pull up are the people hanging around waiting for your allotment to come up? Yeah, not in their physical being but they're on a list and they've been on it for three years.

That's why you get a telling off. You've met someone very happy. Let's look at it that way as a positive thing. That's a good way of looking at it. It's not that we've given it up. It's that they've got it. Enid! Enid! There's a letter from allotment people.

Come quickly. Gather the children. Yeah. So will be a letter as well. They won't have email. Enid's got no email. They phone you. They phone you on the home phone, I bet, as well. Exactly that. Oh, we were startled. I bet they do.

Phoned on the landline. Hello? Dougly2908? You know that? I think I've got a landline somewhere in the phone. You think you've got a landline phone I think I put it in a cupboard but it's still plugged in it's probably in the cupboard with all the other stuff that you've not used for a while, have you got stuff you've given up on

I know you've had a hula hoop and that's gone oh well it's still there but I haven't I haven't hooped for a while but also there was the great row of New Year's Eve 2010 I believe I tell you what I have given up on. I think I've accepted the fact I will never be in Doctor Who. Have you?

I got my manager... Why would you want to? I'm going to fess up to this. I got my manager to phone up the Doctor Who people when I heard this series was being filmed. You shut up. And I said, look, I'm happy to be in a monster outfit. I'll just walk by in the background.

I just want to be able to say. You did it. Oh my God, this is an humiliating thing. Regional sci-fi? That's what you want to be in? You're one of the comic greats. I think it is national. You are one of the comic greats and you are aspiring towards regional sci-fi. Can you take that, tell me you're one of the comic greats

and put it out on the trailer? Frank, I don't want you being in that. It's bad for your brand. We'll discuss it in the break. But if I'm dressed as a Cyberman, who's going to know? No, and if the kind of actors in it are all people in the Gold Blend advert, I won't have you doing that. That's not...

It's true. It's true. I don't like Doctor Who. Sorry, but I don't. Did they say no, though? Did they say... Well, he never mentioned it again, so I take it he couldn't break it to me.

I mean, I would have happily just been, you know, a man playing darts back at Rover's Return while Kembala talks to someone. Maybe not Kembala. But, um, yeah, so I was... He doesn't speak anymore. So I've given up now. I'll never be in Doctor Who. Oh, Frank. Well, I can't say I'm

sad for you. I think it's an Doctor Who. Oh, Frank. Well, I can't say I'm sad for you. I think it's an hour escape. But it's as sad as the allotment, but in a different way, if you can agree. Well, what you need to do is do the same as you've just said I should do. Rather than you think of it that you're not on Doctor Who, just think that an actor is getting a role. Yeah, but is there, though? Or is there just an empty chair behind Doctor Who? I would have been.

That's what gets me. Oh, you might have done an accent as well. I think you would have. Yeah, you could have done. But then if you've had a monster mask, you wouldn't have had a speaking part. Well, I would, because I would have said, Doctor, we'll destroy you if you ever return to the

Spanish Palace. I would cast you based on that. Well, there you go. I think that was wonderful. That's, you know, they don't know what they... And seen. Is that what they say? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that you and your acting experience.

Maybe you should try for it. I'd love it. I'm available. Alan, ticket's still available. Cochrane is available. I've got a little, ticket's still available. It's available. I've got a little bit of mascara. You could be Davros. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio.

The worst thing I think's possible to talk about is when someone tells you a dream that they've had. Oh, I hate that. I would put it to talk about is when someone tells you a dream that they've had. Oh, I hate that. I would put it right up there with when someone tells you about a new American drama they've discovered on the telly. Yes. You know when people do that? Oh, and they quote from it as well.

Yeah, they say, oh, have you seen, um... Bright Neck? Bright Neck. No, no, I haven't seen that. Yeah, it's made by the people who met the West Wing. Oh, man. And as soon as they got to it, break. Yeah, it's made by the people who met the West Wing. Oh, man. And as soon as they've got to it, all I hear is... I can see their mouths moving.

Occasionally I'll tune back in for... I'll tune in. Do you remember that? In this one episode, they're... Don't tell me about it. I totally agree, Frank. I don't like American dramas, anyway. Really? The Wire, The West Wing, The Sopranos,

they're all rubbish. Frank! You're wrong in a way. I agree with you on The Sopranos. You know my feelings on The Sopranos. Oh, you're wrong in a way. Sopranos is the worst piece of television ever made. I don't...

Why are they even on? Take them away. Take them away. Take them away. Look, you've had your, you know... You've had your mumble dialogue. Go away. I thought they spoke quite clearly in Breakneck. I enjoyed it.

Breakneck's one of the best. It's not as good as Brassneck. It used to be in the dandy. But anyway... So what's worse than that? I'm going to tell you about a dream I had. Oh, Frank. Oh, good, good.

Only because I've always quite fancied myself as a Freudian. Oh, yeah. I think I'm quite good at interpreting dreams. I'll have a dream and I'll lie in bed and think, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, and see what that means. And, of course, that symbolises work and that symbolises it. OK. You say you're Freudian,

let's slip into it. Okay. You missed it, didn't you? It was excellent. I enjoyed it. I didn't get it, I'll be honest with you. Freudian slip. I'll get it now. Now you've put the angle poise on it. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, Frank, I'm interested to hear your views on this scrap of paper that has been under a great deal of scrutiny this week. Do you know what I'm talking about? Is it your birth certificate? No, but it dates from a similar time well it's from the second century a.d that's the key thing so around there the triffids time okay yes um but apparently this paper suggests that mary magdalene now she was the naughty one wasn't she a bit of a naughty

lady well that's the theory yeah she may have been married to Jesus because on this piece of papyrus... This is Dan Brown again, isn't it? That's in the Da Vinci Code, isn't it? But Jesus refers to her as my wife. In a Northern Club comic way. He says, take my wife. In the midst of serving on the mountain. Anyway,

take my wife, please. Well, in fact, in the same thing he also... Fishes anyone? Yeah. He also refers to my mother and I think in law might have just come off

because I suspect... Oh. Yeah. He would have as part of his material. But what do you think of this? Seriously, though? Seriously, what do I think?

Seriously, though. Well, I don't think it really... I mean, I would like to have been at that wedding. Yeah. That would be brilliant. Imagine when you went in and the usher said, Bride's family on the left, groom's family everywhere. Oh!

Wow. I wouldn't have minded going, because I bet there would have been loads of wine. Well, initially, but if there's any trouble, it would all become water. He could reverse if he had to. Or could he do the reverse? Oh, I never knew that any trouble, it would all become water. He could reverse if he had to. Or could he do the reverse? Oh, God, yeah.

I never knew that. Oh, he had a reverse gear. Or it could have been the reception. He could do Vulcan Death Grip. They could have had a reception and just loads of flatbread and fizzy wine that wasn't quite right, and him going, no, I've not been practising anything. What are you on about?

If they find it's authentic, will Mary Magdalene's descendants be able to claim half the universe? Oh, yeah. In the settlement. Unless there's a pre-nup. She was the first pedicurist, is what I like to call her. Was she? Yeah, the feet washing.

Yeah, they don't even know if that was her. Was it not? And there's this thing about her being a... A bit string fellows. A prostitute. A prostitute! A prostitute! There's no evidence for that at all in the... The Lady of the Night.

Yeah, she worked. Church wedding, do you think? Oh, lovely. Rather than just pop down the registry office. Yeah, exactly. I mean, you know, you've got to support the family business a bit. Exactly. It does sort of back up the theory that he was a celibate.

And then he... And then he very happily went to crucifixion.