The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio - If you, like me.

Episode Date: July 6, 2013

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. This week on the show the team discussed Frank being a bit of a git on a stag do, the Arqiva Awards, Wimbledon and a very glamorous Sports Day...

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Yes, they've turned up again. Morning. You can text us at 81215. That's 81215. Or you can follow us on the Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. Or you can email us through the Absolute Radio website or you can shout us you know

I'm not sure we should encourage that but it depends on how if you're adjacent if you're very adjacent that's fine hop in, say hi no don't do that I haven't had a Xerox for a while. Or you can LinkedIn us.

OK. I can't think of any other thoughts. I can't either. I won't be. People want to link in with me. I don't like those emails. No. OK, so...

Hello. Hi. So I'm going to say, on the... As you know, we have our own Twitter page and all that. Oh, yeah. Would you call it a Twitter page? Yeah. Is it feed? I don't know.

Oh. Is it? Anyway, so the week... Last weekend I went to a local fete. Oh, lovely. Very Midsomer Murders of you. Yeah, it was a bit. And I used to do a thing about things, if you put the word local in front of them, you could also say rubbish and it works as well. Like local radio, for example.

Yeah. There'll be a lot of people saying that's absolutely outrageous. Local newspaper. Also say rubbish, and it works as well, like local radio, for example. Yeah. There'll be a lot of people saying that's absolutely outrageous. Local newspaper. Again, they'll say, no, that's really... If I say local theatre group, they'll start to say, well, you've got a point. If I say local poet, they'll say, yes, you're right. Anyway, I went to a local church, Faye, and it was lovely,

and it was quite a nice day, and a man was dressed as... I think it was a man was dressed as Peppa Pig. There was a bouncy castle. I don't like those bouncy castles. They're a lawsuit waiting to happen. That's true. Yeah, well, I went there. I took...

Boz is only one, so I don't think he's allowed on a bouncy castle, but he liked to look at the bouncing children, so he stood there, and a woman said to me, don't go on there, it's a jungle. Was it? It's a castle. Or was it a castle? It's a castle, yes.

It's properly a castle. She got completely mixed up. And there was stuff going on there. And I spent most of the day walking around with my baby, because he's like that stage where he holds on to two fingers. And he walks. And soon he'll be walking on his own. So I did a lot of that.

Watch your back, love, with that. I know, yes, it is a worry. And it's, you know, little bare feet in the grass. It's a beautiful thing. Yeah. And so we had a lovely day. And I went back and Kat said to me, Kat gets in, gets the iPad, and she goes straight on to Twitter search, which I wish she wouldn't do.

She does like a deep Google. Yeah, she does. Well, not so much nowadays. But yeah, so she went on Twitter search, which I don't want her to do. And if she does it, please don't tell me anything. Even if it's something that says I'm a comedy genius. Don't tell me. I please don't tell me anything. Even if it's something that says I'm a comedy genius, don't tell me. I don't want to know anything.

So, and she said, oh, someone who went to the fight. Apparently Rory Kinnear was there. I said, oh, was there? They said, yeah. Just went to blah, blah fight. It was made classier by the attendance of Rory Kinnear and less so by the attendance of Frank Skinner. Oh, gosh.

And I thought, it was a family day out. The local church fate. People can be very cruel. I hate this person. I will hunt them down. Oh, I don't think you should do that. See, that's what I was thinking about. I was thinking, what do these people, in this age of cyber unkindness trolls and readers comments and what

did these people do before the internet and you know what they did they were those people that banged on the side of police vans when the sex offender's inside they were those people and i often when i see, I always think, there's about ten of them. They must have been... Always with very bad hair, I seem to recall. Yeah, but they must say, so I'll see you at the courts tomorrow. I think they'll be out about nine-ish, I would have thought.

It's quite a brief hearing. And who's going to be the runner? I'll be the runner. You get them on the way out and then i'll be that one just that one who runs like right right right carries on with the photographers banging on the altar there and so that made a very loud noise i feel like i mean this equipment's so old the whole thing could fall there and that's's what I think the Twitter people would have been doing there. I mean, don't get me wrong.

I remember my mum walking nearly seven miles to put dog excrement to a sex offender's letterbox. But we didn't know then, you see. We didn't know. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The other thing is, though, it's because I was with my baby, I felt like my baby has had a bad review.

Oh, this is the hater? Yeah. The Twitter hater. I know a hater's going to hate. But your haters are my haters. OK, thanks. All right. You're welcome.

Anyway, things picked up on Saturday, because I went out on, I can't remember the last time I did this. I went on a stag night. Oh, follow the bear. Exactly, I did. I wore a little silk... Did you wear a little satin bomber jacket and a trilby? Exactly.

Matt Goss style. And walked so that my thighs were never actually separated. Yeah, and to be honest, I haven't really been out properly on a Saturday night for quite a while. I got on the tube. I can't believe. I love to... Did you frequent bars?

That was like Roy Hodgson on the tube. Yeah. He had his jacket. Did you have a jacket over your arm? I was wearing my suit. I met actually a couple of fans of the show. Gavin and his girlfriend. I've never met people who, they'd been on a treasure

hunt and they were really morose about it. Quite bitter about some of the decisions. Someone slagged them off on Twitter and they googled themselves. I don't know what happened, but you don't meet people post treasure hunt who are like, yeah, it just wasn't

right the way it was handled. And also, it was crowded on the tube and i was i could have sworn early on he said he worked for saga right so i said so what's it like then working for saga and he's gonna he started going what are you talking what are you talking about like i'd really what do you mean i worked for then he worked for somebody with the name media in the title. Oh. I don't know if you thought I was having a go anyway, that was, that's, that's, hey, that's my awards. I don't need your archivers and your sonis, I've got people on the tube. I'll tell you what, I was. Where did you go on the stag night? Well, we went, we went to a Japanese,

we went to the pub. You know I don't really do pubs anymore. No, and Saturday nights, I imagine, are... How many are there? There are 20 of you? Is it blue strappers and short-sleeved shirts? It wasn't that warm last weekend. It was all right. I'm amazed what young women

wear to go out on a Saturday night. Oh, you're not going to do this. What, now? Well, I mean, honestly, I honestly felt... I felt like I was on the tube. I wanted to go out on a Saturday night. Oh, you're not going to do this. What, now? Well, I mean, honestly, I honestly felt, I felt like I was on the tube. I wanted to go, hold on, can I just have a bit of... Can you, you young girls, for goodness sake, be careful when you're out on a...

Because some of you, you've gone too far. I really wanted to put my coat round some of them. In the old days, I'd have been thinking, and now I'm thinking, oh, for goodness sake. I didn't realise. That's the age test, though, isn't it? It is the age test. Now I just want to phone their mums to come and get them.

Them or your demographic. In case their mums are fit, yeah. Of course, their mums will turn up in a quilted nylon housecoat. Perfect. But it was, I found it a bit shocking, really. But anyway, so I was all set for a stack night after that. Yeah. A fit of puritanism

is a githism. And I felt like, you know, when you see these blokes who discover these Amazon tribes, and you think, well, I bet I didn't know where to look when I first walked into that clearing. Anyway, so we got to this... The venue.

To the pub, and all the other guys had got cowboy hats on. They didn't. I'd had the cowboy hat text, but I didn't. They were going on to... You love cowboys, surely, aren't you? I do, I love cowboys. Yeah, John Wayne's big-legged. Imagine if I'd been on the tube with a cowboy.

I would have paid a thousand pounds to have seen that. I'd have been like, you know, the MC of the saloon show who comes on and says, we've got some pretty girls for you to meet. It would have been like that. Anyway, so I found... You know, I have this problem that sometimes I'm a bit of a git. Yes.

As I say, identified recently by one of our readers. You've always been a bit of a git. Yeah, and I hadn't picked up on it, but I've... It was really the scales fell away from my eyes when I got that text. And I was talking to one, I used the sentence. To a man who didn't know, I used the sentence. Look, it might have been impressive to know your way around a, around the sushi menu in the 90s.

But now, you know, get over it. It's nothing special. Anyway, that was the, that's the stag night I drank green tea, didn't wear a cowboy hat and I was a git you drank green tea? that was when I should have been on something on Twitter saying Frank Skinner, he made the whole thing

let's try it yeah, but I got away with that one well no, no, well, nothing. Get off! What do the sex offenders think? Do they sit inside thinking, Oh, dear, I'm less popular now than I was?

Listen to those people. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio on Absolute Radio Absolute Radio We have an email that I would like to bring to your attention Hello Mr. Multi-Award Nominated Radio That's you

That's not correct is it? Well, Alan, A-L-A-N, also sick, spell it incorrectly and Emily, just seen the winners of the Archiva Commercial Radio Awards and not a mention of Frank or the rest of the team. No, that's three exclamation marks. Thanks for hammering that home. And hammered with three exclamation marks.

I hope that Frank keeps out of the dark places. I think your show is, brackets, praise deleted, and the praise deleted there is. Yes, well, that's very nice of them. Kind, isn't it? Well, they say praise deleted, they could have been expletives, how do we know? I listen to the podcast each Sunday whilst hoovering. Hang on a minute.

Oh, it says here, brackets, headphones on. I think that this could only be considered as a dirty proof. You sure it doesn't say hoovering? Is it from a Buddhist monk? That would be great, wouldn't it? I wonder if we would occasionally break their attention and they'd just tumble to the floor.

Do you think we'd get many Buddhist listeners? No. I reckon they'd rise above this sort of show. Oh, excellent. Thank you, thank you. I think that this can only be considered as a Dirty Creeps move, but if Emily is ever in the Canterbury area, I would like to show her the sights despite my marital status.

Love you all. No worries on that score, love. Stuart Ricketts. I wonder how many times the sentence or the phrase despite my marital status has been read out in a court of law. Despite. It's been said to me in a bar quite a number of times wow this does touch on the archievers can i say that i didn't go to the archievers

so i let you guys go because i know you have a night out we didn't you didn't you missed the night out yeah you like a night we did like a night out well uh yeah you had an opportunity to have a bath and everything yeah cockerel came daisy came bob didn't come i don't know, he had an opportunity to have a bath and everything. Yeah. Cockerel came, Daisy came. Bob didn't come. I don't know what he was... I think he was with his... Well, Bob never has a bath, as we know. No.

That's true. Sponge Bob, he just rinses. He was with the crickets, Frank, that night. Ah, of course. So... Where was it, though? Did you have a lovely time? Well, we did.

Daisy and the cockerel picked me up from work, and they had a car, and I shuffled over to the car. I couldn't walk very it was so tight the tightness of the dress and the high heel as i got into the cab he was furious the driver he was furious because i bent over to get in and i said oh i'm having problems with this dress i can't walk he didn't say anything and then he said can you hurry up i can't park here and i said okay can you hold my clutch hand it in my handbag so that would have confused him if it was a manual gearbox i believe i was in the back of the car making a hold the clutch joke as well wow like a top gear guy like you a manual gearbox of course the well-known philosopher

we arrived al didn't we and they wanted us to do absolutely wanted us to do what i believe is called the step and repeat board you know that red carpet thing where you stand and you have your oh you stand in front of something that says our key exactly daisy called it the stop and go board okay um i wouldn't do it really because i didn't want lenses to be lowered because there's nothing worse than that. I thought, what if they won't know who we are? They'll know who Alan is. They will.

But they won't know who I am. But I go to... I don't really go to film premieres anymore, but on occasion, I've been loads of times when lenses are lowered as I've walked out. It happened to me once. Some of the lenses, some people took photos, but I saw a bloke lower his

lower his lens awful and i looked at him and he looked at me and he just smiled and i nodded back yeah they haven't noticed mate it'd have been nice don't tell anyone if he just pretended like he had cramp in his hand or something he's was all right. I went to a premiere and I heard them go, Trevor! At Trevor MacDonald. And then I walked in and they went, oh. So that's wrong, isn't it? Yeah, it was awful. Because Trevor MacDonald has got an eye for being able to read out loud.

Is that fair? And you, nothing. Yeah, you, nothing for being a genius. We'll come back to the archivers. I won't, obviously. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio. So, you're at the archivers. What did you wear, Alan?

A lounge suit? I wore a 60s suit with a Paisley shirt. I loved it. Heavily patterned Paisley shirt. Lovely. Yeah. Not high, but... What a pair.

What a pair you must have made. And Paisley as well. I'm not going to go through her outfit. It's going to be an all night. I know. Well. There's a great moment, actually. Can I just say that I was sat next to an empty space for the starter,

and it had been delivered. It was there, finished mine, looked around the table and I thought, I'm having this. And so I had a spare starter and hold the front page, never thought this would happen. Emily Dean went, come on, share the wealth. What? No, I wanted you to give me money. She had an extra bit at the starter as well. Were you drunk?

Yes. Good cheese. I made amends the next day. So what was the highlight of the archivist? Well, the highlight was... Whoa, there's so many highlights. It's not... There was box fizz.

So the evening kicked off. The OC was MC. Okay. And... It's confusing. I know. It i know it was like a typo yeah um pat sharp came up he seemed in a bit of a funny mood um then bucks fizz kicked off the evening wow i mean they they they began to sing making your mind up and of course the one thing on everyone's minds is of course is that are they course. Is that, are they going to come off? Yes. Are they going to come off?

So they get to the bit, don't they? You've got to speed it up. And then they say, and if you want to see some more. And there was a pause of about, it felt like 20 minutes while everyone gasped. Yeah.

The skirts came off. Fantastic. Sequin panties everywhere. It'd have been like being on the tube for you, I imagine. Well, yeah. I said I was putting them on. I was doing a reverse box fit. We were at the Shelby for it.

In case we do have any younger listeners, which I'm not sure about, this was a tradition. This was in the 80s. They won the Eurovision Song Contest and the big moment was that they had Velcro skirts on that the men used to rip off. I know now that seems wrong in many ways,

but at the time it was just a bit of fun. What they should do now, I would have thought, is they should have ripped his clothes off. Who? Mike Nolan? Yeah, you know, to show that they've moved on. Emancipated. To be honest, I had misgivings about his outfit because we were at the side of the stage,

so I could see him side on. And he had a suit on, quite a shiny number, not to my taste. But I could see, at the back of his suit, his shirt hanging out below the suit jacket. He hadn't tucked his shirt in. I mean, I'm not pernickety about such things, but it really distracted me throughout. I was thinking, he's not taking an outfit off, is he?

Is that untucked because he's going to pull the whole lot off? There are two women writhing around in sequined panties, and all he's talking about is Mike Nolan's shirt tear. I mean, they're getting on their box phase, they must be. I mean, what about if you'd arranged to cross, not really paid attention, and just ripped Cheryl Baker's artificial hip off? I mean, that would have been awful.

We were at the Cheryl Baker Inn, weren't we, Al? Not the Jay Aston. Yeah. Much to your chagrin. Alan did say something like, I would. I never... Oh, you didn't say that. How dare you? I don't think I did. I think that something like, I would. I never. You didn't say that. How dare you?

I don't think I did. I hope you didn't say that. I think that was when Atomic Kitten were on all level 42. Oh yes, he sure didn't say, I would. When Ronnie Wood went past. That would have explained that. Ronnie Wood's hair is immaculate. His hair is just it's like every strand of it has been cut

individually. Do you know what else I love about Ronnie? What he does, Frank, he went up to get an award and present one, but all his facial expressions are brilliant. He wears his heart on his sleeve. It's like, you know those D.W. Griffith silent movies, like Joy and... He just expresses all his emotions very fully, and he taps away.

When Level 42 were playing, he enjoyed them. And he got into the feeling. I think he was on his Scion. His Scion organiser. Yeah, feeling I think he was on his scion his scion organiser yeah that's why he was tapping away I think he's got some gigs coming up if I remember right

but Buxfizz there was a moment of controversy with Buxfizz because the OC was interviewing them and Cheryl Baker corrected him

she said oh you can't call us Buxfizz now she said we have to be oh yes because there's a court case she said

we're the band formerly known as Bucks Fizz they're not honestly called that formerly Bucks Fizz they're called and she enjoyed a little mischievous moment where she went oh the other one is doing butlins in Minehead or something this weekend

she sort of said yeah we're here that was like when I worked with Rachel Riley and we asked her what she got in maths and she said 2-1. Carol Vorderman only got a third. Very like that. Yeah, exactly. So they need a new...

So they need a new moniker. Yeah. Okay. Box Fizzled. What about that? Well, is that... That's a bit negative. If they're going to go... If they're going to start tearing his clothes off and go a bit more modern, there could be Box Miz. Oh. Miz.

I thought of another one then, but it involved Doc's bodily fluids. I'm not going to do it. This is Frank Skinner of Snoop Radio. We were talking about the archivers. Oh, and Box Fizz getting a new name. I did have an idea. I had an idea for one, but it would involve them having to wear fezzes.

This whole plan sounds rather half-baked. Box Fez? Yeah. Are we going to put an apostrophe S so they're wearing fezzes belonging to Buck, a guy they know called Buck. Yeah, why not? Maybe even Uncle Buck.

I don't like the idea of them having to incorporate fezzes into the act just randomly to justify a name change. Well, fezzes could have small fezzes, glitter. Oh, they'd look attractive, small fezzes. I think... What's going to happen when the skirts come off with those fezzes? Those tassels will be flying everywhere. Well, that'd be great, because it'd be like...

Rather than the burlesque dancers who have the tassel pasties... Yes. ..as they call them, they'd be able to just whirl their heads round. Two of them could wear fezzes and one could wear a baseball cap. And then they could, like, refer to their hats when they're talking about making your mind up. Yeah. One of them going, oh.

But is there four of them? Is there another member? No, there's three. There's Mike, Nolan, Cheryl Baker and Jay Aston. Yes, the three of them at the front of the stage. Picture this. Fezzes. And they can have elastic chin straps.

Oh, lovely. That would look nice. They lean forward so you can just see the tops of the fezzes. They get the tassels going in the same direction, and they degrease lightning. Nice. I don't want them to lose their dignity that they currently perform with. That's my worry.

No! The fez, it's a traditional showpiece headwear. It's a lovely thing. Mark from Kidderminster says, Hi, maybe now they're stripped of a member, they can be called box naked. Oh. Box naked could be the next step from the skirts.

I just prefer menage a trois. Just come clean. No. Okay, calm down, dears. No. Calm down. Definitely not. What about 30 years?

They've been going since the 80s. They could be called 30 years of skirt. Oh, lovely. That'd be a good autobiography, actually, for Boxfish. Is that a little reference to some of your own work, perhaps? Might be. No. There's people at home that say, get the kettle.

Is that the kettle? Frank, just briefly, whilst we're on the archivers, at the archivers, Alan, well, it turned out he's a secret Level 42 fan. Yeah, I didn't know. You didn't know you were a Level 42 fan? I'm not really that up on their work. OK.

And they were ace. They were brilliant. Should have closed the whole thing. Emily Dean raised the point that they should have closed the whole thing emily dean raised the point that they should have closed the whole thing atomic kitten did what atomic kitten were on last and you know alan said something about atomic kitten which i don't know if you'll let me repeat am i allowed to say if you want yeah okay we agreed alan observed and i agreed that they weren't quite hot enough to sing with a backing track. Like an event where music had been played and sang by people that were talented musicians and singers.

Sounds like you just sat there like the two girls in Ghost World, just criticising. That's what you do, don't you? Pretty much, yeah. There was an excellent moment when that newsreader, Greg, said of Atomic Kitten, you know, because you sort of look at people and then you start talking about their appearance and their act. He turned around and he went, they're very feline, aren't they? And I went, Atomic Kitten? A feline?

And nuclear. I was thinking, what's next? You two sitting there having a go at Atomic Kitten. Still, haters gonna hate. Frank, we've had from the outside world, Tommy Cooper temple claws. See, what they've done is they've taken the Fez Fez theme and applied it elsewhere.

I like it. I also just wanted to pass on, I received a missive from Ross. Just take that. If there's a split band, just take that. Oh, yeah. I like to take that. I said it just like that, you see.

It's like a take that tribute band. I like that. Yeah. Like Noasis. My favourite is Shania Twain. Anyway, carry on. I received a communique from Ross Noble, who's a bit of a friend of the show.

Yes. During the week. Hold on a minute. I'm pausing has that become more grand it has yeah and the other thing is i'm playing it for it it's almost like i left it in a cupboard and it's grown like mushrooms. I like it. It's all at the end of Star Wars at the Galactic Wedding. So Ross Noble says,

Did you see Alexander Armstrong on that Your Face singing show as Johnny Cash last Saturday? He was a dead ringer for Frank. Really? I replied. I said, I think Frank will be quite chuffed with that. Well, he did look nice. Ross then advised me, he said, it was that Paddy McGuinness singing show,

still on ITV Player, and I had a look at it, and I have to say, you look exactly the same, Frank. Really? Alexander Armstrong and Johnny Cash in the fly machine. He had a prosthetic nose, but it looked perfect, and a quiff, and it looked perfect. I want to look that up.

Some of you might feel that that's a pointless exercise. Okay. Is it? Are you serious? Okay, I'm being pointed at by the producer. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute.

Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emily Dean, Alan Cochran, Texas on 8-12-15. Twitter is on Twitterati, us, us, wheat, on at Frank on the Radio, or email us through the Absolute Radio website. Do I have to keep doing that?

Look, can I say that's the worst opening we've ever done? You coughed, Daisy the producer dropped something on the floor. Do you think we... Come on, Bokop. Bokop! That's what they could be called, Bokop! Boksop would be good, wouldn't it? No, Bokop. Spoiler.

If Boksfizz were well endowed, they could easily change their name to boxum fizz, somebody suggested. Well endowed with what? I think in the boxum department. Boxum fizz. That's what somebody suggested. Get out.

What do you think? These people are professional singers, they're not... To be fair, they were wearing pants. We've also got one from Louis. Oh, yeah. Dear Frank, and he's attempted a sort of anagram of our name, Menially, which seems to be an anagram of Emily and Alan. I am an avid listener and listen to the podcast on the way to school.

Is he saying that you're menials now on this show? No. On the way to school. On the topic of Bucks Fizz, why don't they call themselves Mimosa? As there is only two parts instead of three. One part champagne and one part orange juice.

Instead of three, it's normally one part champagne and two parts orange juice. Is it? If any of you find yourself in the Walton Weybridge area, I would be happy to show you the sights despite being only 14. Regards, Louis. I don't know if He knows about cocktails. To be fair,

so did I. I was mixing them for adults when I was about six. I am. They could be called black velvet. Why? That's Guinness and champagne, isn't it? Oh, is it? And it could say they've got darker over the years, you know.

Yeah. Darker, more mysterious. It could be called snake bite or cider and black or... It could be called loads of stuff. Shandy. What about shandy? They should somehow communicate, though, shouldn't they, that they were box face.

Yeah. It should be an alcohol-based drink. Well, I just think it should sound a bit like box face. No, not Tennant Special Brew. We don't want to go down that road. But, um, yeah, I think they need to, some people say, oh I bet that's

Boxface because it sounds a bit like Boxface. I'll go back to it again. Boxface. Anyway, guess what I did last night? Well, I bet you did what all of us did. Massive jigsaw. No. Oh God. I watched

Andy Murray winning his semi-final. I just can't feel everybody. I suppose most people are out on Friday night. I like it. I like the idea that I could sense the rest of the country watching it. Yeah. I actually spent yesterday, I

timed yesterday specifically to watch it. You timed yesterday, let me guess, about 24 hours? Yeah, it came in at just about 24 hours. I knew it. Give or take, give or take. No, I timed my day specifically. I watched a bit of the match before it and then I travelled to London and then I got to the hotel all sort of geared to,

oh, hang on, I think I'm going get most of the murray match if i'm if i'm lucky and uh yeah it's too good to hurry it was uh that should be his catchphrase yeah ring that judy sure like that yeah it was exciting wasn't it what's happened to judy yeah what's gone on what's to be what's happened used to be a ginger yeah his mom judy this year i saw her with dark glasses on. I thought it was Karl Lagerfeld. Honestly, I think it's the pressure of him having won a Grand Slam.

It's like... Grey overnight. It's like Marie Antoinette going through the crowds. I thought Blair and Barack Obama did it. They haven't gone as grey as Judy, though. She's gone like Beethoven overnight. Yeah.

Did Beethoven go grey overnight? Yeah, but her hair looks dissimilar to Beethoven's. You're right. She does. Yeah. Why does she and Kim not sit together, then? Well, you know, I guess, don't you? No, I don't.

I don't think Judy ever completely let go. Oh, yeah, you're right, Frank. Whereas Kim, I read an interview with Kim where she said her favourite, three favourite things in all the world is Classic FM. Oh! Guess where this was read out on. Classic FM, tea,

and she said loads and loads of chocolate biscuits. She doesn't look like a woman who eats loads and loads. No. Oh, Kim. Lovely hair, though, hasn't she? Oh, we were all talking. My girlfriend was saying, her hair is absolutely immaculate.

Yeah. Said that about 20 times. The hair's good. And I love the roof argument. Oh, yeah. Well, Janovich, I really didn't... He had a point. I took a gin him.

I didn't like him. Did you? Well, did you see Andy being interviewed afterwards? Yeah. And he said, oh, it was on his phone. Yeah. And Andy had a shower. Who was he winging? Well, I you see Andy being interviewed afterwards? Yeah. And he said, oh, it was on his phone. Yeah. And Andy had a shower. Who was he ringing?

Well, I don't know. He probably does know people who put a roof on a building. So perhaps he was saying, there's a bit of work. Get over to Wimbledon. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. One of the reasons that I rushed to London yesterday to see some of the tennis was that this year...

You mean on telly, don't you? Yeah, on the television. You weren't there on centre court. No, I wish. But this year has been one of the hardest years for me to see any of Wimbledon because I've been coming back and forth for various professional engagements. So I've just not seen much of it. And you know that thing where you can feel that the clock is ticking? It's

only on for two weeks. Oh, I know that feeling, all right. And honestly, this year, I don't know what I've done wrong, but every time I've turned Wimbledon on, it's been seniors doubles. I've seen loads of John McEnroe play, more than I did while he was playing properly. I didn't know they did that. It's been on the telly all the time, John McEnroe. I only watch the British people.

Have you seen John McEnroe these days? I've seen him playing tennis three times in the last four months. I've seen what he looks like now at Mount Rushmore, that's all I'm saying. It's old father time. What's happened to him? Him and Judy Murray would be good together. That's true, yeah. They look not dissimilar, do they?

He was in Harry Potter, wasn't he? McEnroe? Yeah, what was the name? He was up for that... Sirius, is it called? No. But they told him that he could not be. He could not be Sirius?

Very good. He's very disappointed by it. I so took that in as well. He could not be. He could not be serious. Very good. He's very disappointed by it. I so took that in as well. He could not be. I don't like it when they cut to them out in the commentary box. You know when they put the roof up? Oh, yeah. And it's like the great I am the great Osmond.

The curtain comes down and you see them all squashed together with a bottle of water. No, but they line up like those old pictures of Kraftwerk. There's one at the front and then there's one... It's Andrew Castle, Tim H line up like those old pictures of Kraftwerk. They sit as one at the front and then as one... It's Andrew Castle, Tim Henman. It's International Star.

Yeah. So he gets to sit at the front. Then Tim Henman. And then Andrew Castle tucked away at the back. Their clothes are all creased from being in the box for too long.

Oh, yeah. It looks like they're crammed in there. But it's humid in there. But it's really humid. I hate that box. Andrew Castle, he's kept me that hair thing. Have you seen the advert that he does?

There's an advert that he does when he's walking down the road and he's got flowers and he bumps into someone and he says, Oh, sorry. Sorry. It sorts most things out, doesn't it? But then it's like, but not accidents at work or something like that. And to make it a bit shorter, obviously, to save money, they've taken the bit off the front.

So it's a real messy... You just see a bit of a... Something nearly happened. What was that? Sorry. They've ruined it. He's done well getting that gig, though. Yeah, but he should have put his foot down with that.

They've ruined his big moment. If Andy... Oh, there's two things that worry me. If the Scots get independence, will we still be cheering Andy Murray? Oh, yeah. I won't. Well, there's two things that worry me. If the Scots get independence, will we still be cheering Andy Murray? Oh, yeah. I won't. Well, I will. Yeah, I won't.

Being as I am Scottish. There's one thing that worries me, Frank. Jude Law. He's all gone a bit Matt Goss in the fedora. He looked awful. Yeah, but he didn't wear a hat, though. He didn't look awful. He did. He looked like a beautiful man who's going bald.

Yeah, but it's gone a bit fedora. He needs to ring Matt Goss. He did. He looked like a beautiful man who's going bald. Yeah, but it's gone a bit fedora. He needs to ring Matt Goss. He needs help. Yeah, but that guy, that Polish guy, what was his name who played? Janevich. Yeah. He's only 23. He was clearly going bald.

And he'd had his hair, you know when it looks like there's a chrysanthemum growing off the top of the brow? Yeah, yeah. It was like that. I didn't like the kinesiology tape. In fact, what he'd done is he'd looked at his ball there and he'd put the roof on. Yes.

He's obsessed with putting roofs on things. When is it going up? When? Yeah, I nearly look at eight o'clock. What if it rains? Then my gel will start to go all frothy and it will look ridiculous. It was a bit Van Helsing. Thank you very much.

It was great, though, really. It was exciting and I enjoyed it and all that. I don't like that tape he wears, that KT tape, I believe it's called. Oh, yeah. The kinesiology tape. Can I ask a question? If Murray wins, will they finally rename henman hill mori mound they did they did call it mori mound for a while they still call it they say let's cut to the crowds on henman hill

yeah they're got it that they called it henman hill but they said oh i wish we'd held back for a good one and now we really want to call it mori mound and it's a bit somebody's a bit off color mori man this is true but someone told me there was a suggestion to call it Morrie Mound. And it's a bit... I think it's a bit off-colour Morrie Mound. This is true, but someone told me there was a suggestion of calling it, because of a thing he had done so well, Laura Robson, of calling it Robson Green. I really hope that's true. That would make me very happy.

Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. We've had a text saying, wearing that tape made Janowitz look like a strapping lad, though. See what he's done. Yeah, because he had to strap on the tape. Strapping, yeah.

My girlfriend thought it was a tattoo for the first three sets. Had she? Has she liked the tennis, Kat? She's like me. She'll only watch the Brits. Oh, yeah. I can't watch it. I don't like tennis enough to watch a neutral game.

Okay. It takes ages. Exciting for tomorrow, though, isn't it? When it's like one set each, you think, oh, my God. But it's all right. It's all right when it's... One can be... I went to see Man of Steel.

And the actor who plays Superman looks like... Oh, Henry Cavill? He looks like... If Andy Murray committed a crime and you did an... I don't know if they do identikits anymore. Oh, yeah. He looks like an identikit picture of Andy Murray committed a crime and you did an... I don't know if they do identikits anymore. Oh, yeah. He looks like an identikit picture of Andy Murray. Like Andy Murray's been...

His face has been tidied up a bit. Oh. Yeah. A good edit of Andy Murray's face. What do you think he's like, Andy Murray? You see, I have to be honest. Certain sportsmen I can imagine hanging out with. I don't have to imagine imagine but let's not go

down that road yes i'd quite like an elka i think we'd get on all right car knew i always thought i'd go on quite well with oh yeah um i always think with andy murray and it's not just the cliche always a bit dowry scottish thing it's not that at all no i just think he might be a little bit like lining his toys up kind of personality do you know what I mean by that? like Beckham putting all the Beckham I would love to have dinner with but Murray

would you guys did he give you a good conversation? he went to Mock the Week he did and actually I performed on an episode of Mock the Week during Wimbledon one year and a friend of mine said oh he tweeted that he was enjoying it that night. Did he name your name?

No sadly. Well then why bring it up? Just because I know that he does watch it and he likes the show. I'm joking. Hard. No. I heard an interesting thing about you the other day. About me? You might not want me saying it on air. Uh oh. Well go on what is it? No it's alright.

Uh no I'll tell you. It was a you know that. Oh you're telling me on air are you? You might not want me saying it on here. Uh-oh. Well, go on, what is it? No, it's all right. No, I'll tell you. It was a... You know that... Oh, you're telling me on the air, are you? You know NLP? You know that interesting thing you heard about me? Don't bring that up on me. God's sake.

NLP? You know NLP? Yeah. Where people... Neuro-linguistic programming. Yes, I have friends that do that. Well, I heard someone talking about that, and they said,

Alan Cotteran does this line when he begins the sentence, if you like me, and then goes on. And they said what he's doing is implanting the idea that they like him. It's not even if, is it? It's you. No, it is a bit of material. And it was, somebody has raised this to me, maybe it's the same chap. Okay.

Has brought it up and said, oh, have you done some NLP? Because I said it, and... You're planting seeds to make them like you. I have to say, it's entirely coincidence. Oh, yes, it really is. It's what the Nazis said. Did they say that? The Germans are Nazis. I don't think they did say that. I take that back.

Yeah, that's an odd thing. Not in English. Yeah. Can I just say I've never done any NLP? But the idea that you're saying... I did, but only in the 90s. If you're kind of... No, I don't think it's a drug, is it?

I think it's a... Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Can we go to email corner? Email corner? How's that?

It's horrible. Well, I have to reach for the jingles. I think you're going to say the high notes. Yeah, I'd certainly have to reach for those. Dear Frank. I need love. I feel love, isn't it?

I need love. That's a Freudian thing. Yeah. You think? That's me saying that I need love. That's today's texting, isn't it? Elton John had a song called that. I need love.

Oh, I want love, he said. Did he? Yeah. I'm proud he does. Dear Frank, I want love, he said. Did he? Yeah. I'm glad he does. Dear Frank, I've recently realised I'll probably never become a stand-up comedian. Not my words, but the words of Tom. Okay. Or a writer.

Oh, Tom. I've made my peace with this. Okay. But it does leave me with what I thought was a reasonable joke that'll never see the light of day. Can you make any use of it? Okay, boys, see what you think of this. Never trust a Philip who spells his name with one L. His eyes are too

close together. I like it. It's excellent. It might need some workshopping. As far as I know, it's an original, or at least I've arrived at it independently. Google doesn't throw up any hits. All the best, Tom. I think it's clever. I like ones about the minutiae of writing and grammar

and stuff like that. I think it might be indicative of a new sort of joke, insofar as that there are certain jokes that work on Twitter because they're short and they're being read rather than heard. So two eyes close together, you can sort of see the joke

when you look at it on a screen, but if you just hear it, his eyes are too close together, you don't quite get it as quickly. Well, I completely disagree. Do you? Because it's a pun on the word eyes, you don't want to read it, because they sound the same, but they don't look the same.

I think it kills it if you read it. Really? There you go. So that's this week's comedy workshop. But what I do like about it is that he says he's resigned himself to never becoming a stand-up comedian or writer, but his best joke he has Googled just in case. Yes.

So even before he begins, he's got the paranoia required. I think it... Yes, he's got the requisite. I've always thought if you can write one good joke, you can write a thousand. Yeah. So, don't say... don't give up just yet. No. Come back to us with 999 more.

And in fairness, he does have quite close together eyes, Prince Philip. So, it's appealing... Where did Prince Philip come from? quite close together eyes, Prince Philip. So, a compelling... Where did Prince Philip come from? Well, I thought of Prince Philip. You know when someone tells you a joke? Visually, that's what I thought of when I heard Philip. Oh, OK. And of course, before you tell it, you need to say,

do you, like me, think that Philip Spurs is... That'll really help. You do that all the time. That's what I do before every joke see my thing was um that the on the subjects of writing and stuff it really annoys me and it genuinely annoys me that the semicolon gets uh pole position on the typewriter key on the keyboard key oh yeah so if you you know there's a key that's got the semicolon and the colon? Let me just have a look.

Let me have a look. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So if you hit that key, you get the semicolon. You have to press shift to get the colon. Yes! The colon surely is the proper. Yeah.

That came first. The other one's just a semi, a sort of half-hearted version. The colon should get the thing and the semicolon should require... You bang that desk again....the shift key. You're very bangy today, haven't you? They hate me, don't they, Constable? version. The colon should get the thing and the semicolon should require the shift. You're very bangy today, haven't you? They hate me, don't they, Constable? Just shut up. You can take the blanket

off now. What happened to those grey blankets they used to conceal criminals in? You never see them anymore. I've always thought that they should just come out as Disney characters. People would be much less hostile.

This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I got a texting based on that fiery rant you did about the QWERTY keyboard a minute ago. Hell yeah. Remember that fiery rant? I do. When you just went off on one.

Frank, maybe you should change the location of the aforementioned grammar characters. It would be colonic emigration. Yeah? I know. Good. Yeah, I got it, darling. Frank looked at me like I didn't get it. Well, I heard nothing from that side of the room.

That's because it was a pun. Hang on, let's see if it works better if I say, Frank, do you, like me, think maybe you should change the location of the aforementioned? I think that worked better. That's amazing. You're probably right. Actually, I'm not that keen on rants. I think it's a bad time, rants.

People go on and think it's an easy sort of comedy if you just go on and on like you don't really matter, you know, care about something. That's not, you know, sort of care about something. That's not, you know... Like the QWERTY keyboard and colons. What I'm saying, it's about time rant stopped. They go, people go, everyone's doing a rant, Charlie. Brooke is doing a rant.

I don't know, David. Mitch is doing a rant. Just stop ranting. We've had enough of ranting now. What about a bit of nice general sort of talk? All right, calm down. That's my anti-rant rant. It's kind of a...

Who's that? Will you leave that desk alone? Come in. Don't say come in. Sorry, Constable. I said no circumstances. Say come in. There's someone called John Boy from Dudley.

Of course there is. Not John Boy. This is a strange text, isn't it? 640, a.k.ley. Of course there is. Not John Boy. It's a strange text, isn't it? 640, a.k.a. 640. Yeah. That Frank Skinner keeps going on about how clean he is. Like he's cleaner than all us lot. We all shower, mate.

John Boy, Dudley. I beg to differ. He's obviously not in Tipton. What, with a triple barrel name, John Boy Dudley? Do I keep going about how clean I am? I once described you as immaculate, and I only got that on trust from your life partner. Yeah, exactly.

I talk openly about the fact that I'll wear a suit for six weeks. And I used to be under a two-day, one-pant. I wore the same suit to the Archievers this week as I wore last year and I'm not sure

it's been clean since. Yeah, but I'm on about wearing a suit every day. Yeah. I've only worn it. What about Mike Nolan and Bucks Fizz? I think that had had

a few outings, Hank. Oh, yeah. That's what was shiny. It probably wasn't shiny when he bought it. It was a purplish colour. Not absolute radio purple, more sort of muted purple of a £20 note, I'm going.

OK. Email corner. Alan, I'd like you to read the next email. Dear Frank, Emily and the Cockerel, just a quick word about the helicopters and your son Buzz. Ah, yes. Helicopters with single engines have to fly over the Thames, while those with two engines can fly over London proper.

OK. Also, each of the two Chinook rotors spin in opposite directions, creating the odd sound as it flies past. Well, you see, I haven't noticed it sounding... For new readers, I was saying that my son loves it when planes and helicopters go over points, gets excited. But if it's a Chinook helicopter, he starts crying. Mm-hm.

Well, he claims that it's the... It's the sound, is it? Plus, sorry, I don't want to sound like a smarty-pants, but did you know the Chinook is named after a North African tribe? North America? North American tribe, sorry, I don't want to sound like a smarty-pants, but did you know the Chinook is named after a North African tribe? North American? North American tribe, sorry. Is he suggesting that my son is racist? That's why he's crying when it goes over.

Perhaps he's crying for the North American Indians and what they've had to put up with. Maybe. Selling their land for a pair of scissors or whatever. Did I tell you I met a woman at a meditation retreat who said that in a previous life she'd been the head of the Sioux Nation? No. Is that right?

Yeah, the Sioux Nation. Not those pandas from Sooty. Yeah, the head of the Sioux Nation. And she took some drug and she said, I wept, I just wept and wept and became the head of the Sioux Nation and she took some drug and she said I wept I just wept and wept and became the head of the Sioux Nation and I said you cried for all the Sioux that had been

slaughtered and she said no more, I would say more for the buffalo it's awkward we've had a couple of texts in 543 aka Chloe, the Chinook is named after the wind, not the tribe We've had a couple of texts in. 543, a.k.a. Chloe. The Chinook is named after the wind, not the tribe.

Smart. And then she uses a Category C swear word. I don't know if it's C. D, maybe. D, yeah. OK. Smart. Not smarty pants, let's just say.

Yeah. The Chinook. Well, that's Chloe's opinion. You'd think it probably comes from the same source, though, that they're a bit of a coincidence, a wind and a North American... What do I call them? You know, they used to be Red Indians. What do they call them now?

Native Americans. Native Americans, yes. Yeah. 131, one of my regulars, he's texting. That was a career threatening flashback Frank do you like me oh he's

very good they learn quick adopting the cockerel's ways think the Sioux Nation might have been a compensation culture see I didn't laugh at the joke but I really like this guy I don't know why

that's amazing yeah exactly I've got my reservations about him. Oh, very good. We've got too many ponds today. I really thought my catchphrase wouldn't be, do you like me? I thought it was going to be, so that's that.

That's my attempt at a catchphrase. You know you get pond headaches? You know when you eat ice cream really quick? No, I've never had a pond headache. Oh, OK. What never had a pun headache. Oh, okay. What else? You have an ice cream headache. We've had an email in from the outside world.

Dear Frank, Emily and Alan. You never get any internal ones, do you? When listening to the show on Saturday, I heard you say that you don't get new readers anymore. This is not the case. I am a new reader. I discovered your show a few weeks ago and I'm working towards becoming a friend of the show. Or do I have to be famous for that?

Yep. I now actually set my alarm on a Saturday morning, the only day of the week I don't have to get up, so that I can listen to the show. Wow. I've also been diligently working my way back through the podcast and have even done a bit of research into the Divine Miss M and the Mighty Cockerel. Tried to use a cozier, obviously. I like the Mighty Cockerel, can I just say. I prefer that to Cock-a-doodle-doo and all the other changes that it receives. Yeah.

Please ignore the reader who complained about you repeating things. I can't be the only fledgling listener who needs a little extra help in filling in the details of the Skinner verse. Loving the show. that's a fact, not a compliment, and happy to say that I totally understood the siren reference.

Zoe. I think Zoe's right, actually. I thought after. We've got to... Because we do get the odd new... We gain about three a week, lose about... I think we shed about 3,000. And I think that we should. It's a bit BMP, isn't it?

We're not telling, you know, we were here first. Yeah. Yeah, I think you've got to encourage. What I'd really like to know, when she said she sets her alarm for Saturday morning, what about this? I just had a thought then. What about what wakes you up in the morning?

Because you know some people use the radio. Oh, yeah, that's good. Some people use old-fashioned alarm clock, but some people have those weird things that go off in the morning. What, partners? Wait, come on, that doesn't... Children. Anything unusual that wakes you up in the morning.

Keep it clean. This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran Text us on 81215 You know, you're You're part of the family

Follow us on Twitter actually at Frank on the Radio Or if you prefer an email then just go to the Absolute website. It's straightforward. More chatty version. People have in fact responded to how do they wake up.

You asked how people wake up. Someone says, my bladder, that is all. Oh. That's not totally reliable, though, is it? No, I suppose their bladder isn't totally reliable. Well, when I used to drink a lot, my bladder very much did not wake me up. Oh, no.

Much to your chagrin. Well... That was one of my favourite chapters in Tony Adams' Autobiography Addicted. Um, 090... Mine was, uh, my all-time 11. Which I think it's in there. Still, after all that pain and anguish, My All Time 11. 090 at the moment, Sunlight and Birdsong.

That's nice. See, I never hear Birdsong. Really? In my 11th story apartment. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Nice, I notice it. You see, when I'm in the country,

you notice it, they don't hear it. To them it's just like white noise. Hmm. Okay. So, um, this week, I imagine your, uh, Doctor Who news app gave you a little buzz. Oh, it went Prince Charles crazy. Prince Charles? Prince, oh. On set, as I believe they say in the, uh, filming. He they say. Chuck was in the house. Charles and Camilla visited the Doctor Who set in Cardiff. It was kind of a big deal. How did you feel about it, Frank? Well, I... Mixed feelings, I would imagine.

He said... A little mixed bag of emotions. He said he's watched it since he was 15. And he's always loved it. Apparently he used to get two footmen to hold the sofa in front of him. When he watched Doctor Who. But I had no idea he was an enthusiast. And he did the Darling voice.

He said exterminate. He said exterminate, but through the actual microphone that synthesises. It was rather good, I thought. I think he'd be better as the TARDIS sound, wouldn't he? Can you imagine the TARDIS starting to fade away? Ooooo. Ooooo. Ooooo.

I think it'd be great. He did a bit of improv as well. He said one false move. He did. Oh, I loved it when he did improv. He did, because Danny Cohen is like the head of the BBC. He said, why don't you try, you are our prisoners or whatever. And he did that, and then he threw in one false move.

I love it. Do you think that's just because he's so used to saying one, because he's royal? Well, I noticed. Maybe it was one's false move he actually said. I noticed, and I have analysed this quite a lot, because I do love how people behave with royalty. It's a bit Jeffrey Osborne with Barack Obama. You know, we've discussed this.

Yeah. Cabinet with Obama. But I noticed the Dalek man, he said he was a bit obsequious with him, Frank. Well, I think, you know, when you meet the royals, you can easily fall into that. Charles said, I haven't got the right tone. And the Dalek man said, well, I haven't had a lot of practice. Oh, good.

Wasn't that a bit of an old actor? Saying, yeah, well, I'm an old actor. I've done lots of stuff. Yeah. My worry is that Prince Charles, you know, everybody else, what's the thing? What would you say the thing on the front of the Dalek looks like? You know the thing that everyone says?

Oh, like a toilet plunger? A plunger, of course. But for Prince Charles, he won't know that, will he? He's probably never seen a plunger in real life, in use. And I now worry that perhaps a member of staff at the palace will walk past with a plunger and he'll go, oh, that's a bit of a Dalek, that. But what did he say when he saw the Dalek, do you think? Did he say that? Has he picked up one of those

little Jewish hats? That'd be awkward, wouldn't it, if he said that? Can I tell you what is awkward? No, Your Highness, it's like a sink. No, I think it's one of those little, on the back of the head. Yes. He would have said their heads as well.

The big news is, and I don't know how well this is going to play in this room, Stephen Moffat, the showrunner, as I believe they're called, has said there would be a part in the show for Charles if he wanted it. Can you believe that? I have begged. I have begged for a part in that show. And Brentie Charles breezes in

with his hand in his jacket pocket and he does one Dalek impression he's in like Jerome Flynn I think he probably thought no no you're not right but when he said one false move he thought that's it well we'll come back to this

because I have my views Absolute Radio Frank Skin views. Absolute. Absolute. Absolute. Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I haven't spoken to my manager since this Prince Charles being linked with Doctor Who story came about. I'm just worried that he might be trying to represent Prince Charles. Do you mean represent in a rapper type way? I think he might be trying to get a new client and it's

the Prince of... He's after the Prince of Wales check, isn't he? Prince of Wales check. What's happening with these puns? I had another pun headache. I know what it is. I just... You two... Of course you do. You know about habits, don't you? Shall we make a vow that we never do another pun

on this show ever? Well, that's... Well, okay, if you want. OK, let's do that, see what happens. So... Didn't you say there was a picture? It had, like, Jenna Lewis Coleman on one, on the left. She's a nice-looking lady.

And then Camilla. I like her. And then Charles. And then Matt Smith. And they were all perfectly graded in height. It was like the Ascent of Man. It was. Oh, I really wanted to climb them. You know what you see in a group?

They'd make a lovely junior school climbing frame, those four, if they could be talked into that. I really, oh, man, I dreamt of climbing them. OK, nevertheless, how did you cope with the news that you were no longer in the running to be America's next top model? Well, I think that, I don't see why me and Charles can't come in together as a couple of interplanetary desperadoes. Like a funny double act. Yeah.

Because he reminds me of my dad. Does he? Well, you know, my dad always kept a bit of, my dad did this thing. Having strange lies about his background. He always kept a bit of salt in his jacket pocket. Oh, did he, my dad always kept a bit of... My dad did the same... Some strange lies about his background. He always kept a bit of salt in his jacket pocket. Oh, did he? My dad.

So if ever anyone, as he said, if he was ever attacked, he'd just throw salt in their eyes. Really? And I reckon that's why Charles's hand is always in the jacket pocket. He's always, always ready. That bloke, the voice of the Daleks, we'd have got a bit close. He'd have been blinded. I love trying that with someone wielding lead piping at you. Do you think it works?

I might try that. He used to tell me how to do it. He said the thing is that you sort of, you wave the other hand first, so they think, what's he waving his hands about? So you don't just, so their eyes are wide open and then in with the salt. Can I say that the official view of Absolute Radio

is that all violence against a person is wrong? And I back that 100%. This is my dad, who came from a different time, you know, two world wars. Can't blame him for having a violent outlook. OK. The prince's suit was under some scrutiny on one of the articles about it.

They were saying that he'd had a bad repair job. Did you see that he had a... Well, I noticed that. He had a repair job in one corner and they said... You're kidding me. Apparently the company line on it was there will be a more subtle repair in the future on the suit. On the Anderson and Shepard suit?

I think he might be a fan of the show and he's getting one of those Neil Gaiman pockets put in. Maybe he snagged it on a Cyberman or something. Easily done. Posh people love a repair though. It's only the nouveau riche who like the box fresh.

I'm amazed that he gets stuff repaired. There you go. He's shot up. gets stuff repaired. Oh, there you go. He's shot up. Once again, he's shot up in my estimation. I know. He likes Doctor Who. He's prepared to blind someone if they attack him. And he won't throw away even a nasty suit like that one.

He'll rescue. Good man. 131 says, Surely Charles could never have a part in doctor who cost them a fortune in royalties and i'm afraid that is a pun so i apologize profusely to my family maybe it isn't a pun my partner i don't have a partner um to everyone who knows me we're your partner alan and i oh god it's all gonna be You ever going to rip your skirt off at the next awards ceremony?

Didn't a dog rip your skirt off once? Yes, I was seven years old. I was in an adventure playground and a dog, it wasn't pedigree, I'll always remember, and I had a wraparound skirt, Boxfiz style. Maybe they'd started the Vogue. I blame them.

And I was with a child actress friend of mine, another child actress, and suddenly the dog came, grabbed it in his teeth. It was gone. I stood there in my pants. He ran into the woods with it. That'd be a much better act, wouldn't he? If they could, an act where a dog

runs on and tears someone's skirt off. Fabulous. Would it be a scary dog? They could have had a fox doing that. Yeah, or a fox. Dr. Fox. Dr. Fox, yeah. This is Frank Skinner of Slip Radio.

I had a bit of an incident this week. Good. Well, I'd like to share it with you. No, it wasn't one of those incidents. It wasn't a good incident. It was alcohol-based, I'm afraid. Nice. I went to a business meeting with my manager.

It was at a London members' club. Wow. It was about 5.30pm. Stringfellows, yeah? No, I wasn't working that that night and there were five men present okay i wasn't working that night um so we're all sitting there the waiter came over he was a kind of handsome young type a lot of hair product one of those yeah he took our order he went to me first as i'm the lady i thought it's half past five. I'm with the guys. I'll be one of the guys.

I said, I'll have a vodka tonic. Well, that was a respectable thing to order. Showed that I was carefree and fun, but not sort of, you know, didn't have alcohol issues. My manager ordered next. I'll have a peppermint tea, thanks. That makes you look... Thanks, mate. Thanks, mate.

The next guy, sparkling water, please. Oh. Guy number three, sparkling water for me too, please. Uh-oh. Guy number four, still water. He's out. So, I... You could have had a cheaper night if you'd just said tap, tap, tap, please.

You're one of those people that says, can I just have a glass of tap water? I am one of those people. Of, can I just have a glass of tap water? I am one of those people. Of course you are. I felt awkward. I'm surprised you don't just say, can you do me a drawing of some water? The waiter says,

a bit early for booze. Did he? He did. What? He did. Well, he should never work in... No wonder he can't get acting jobs. That's his attitude.

Yeah. He should remember what pays your wages, and it's not selling sparkling water, it's selling the food. I think he was trying to make the men feel better about the fact that they'd been not very follow the bear and had just ordered water and tea. Well, Gavin and his girlfriend on the tube,

remember the ones who didn't enjoy the treasure hunt? Oh, yeah. They said, well, we went out for cocktails after, and that was a real letdown. I said, oh, well, what happened? He said, well, I didn't think there'd been a carton. Cocktails in a carton? Yeah.

I said, where did you go? He said, he hates his wine lodge. Oh. Anyway. I don't like cocktails after a treasure hunt. No? It doesn't go together. Oh, is this Sundowners?

Close treasure hunt Sundowners. What could be a better Saturday out? A yard of ale off to pass the parcel. It doesn't work. Quite a weird complaining couple, though, because the things they're moaning about are quite sort of cheery sounding, aren't they? Treasure hunts and cocktails.

I once had to complain in a hotel in New Zealand about my afternoon tea not being very good. And just because I kept complaining in an angry voice but using the words afternoon tea, it just didn't really convey any anger properly. It's the Englishman abroad, that is, isn't it? It's too cheery sounding. So did anybody have booze at all? No, I stalled it out, but I felt great shame throughout the entire hour-long period that I was there.

You know what you should have done? Is immediately that it got to the last person, they said, still water, you should have gone, actually, I'll have two vodka tonics, because... Can you make that a double? Yeah, we need way to really make this let's get this party started i'm drinking for them well i decided though but there is a lot of pressure i don't like being the social architect in that sense so you lay down the gauntlet if you're the first orderer there's a lot of pressure involved in being the first orderer will you have have a starter? Well, I've become the translator.

I don't know how this works, but if I'm out with people, it often happens when we go out for brunch after the show, the waiter will come over and say, so anyone like any drinks? And no one seems to hear the waiter except me. And I end up going, so does anyone want drinks? I mean, that's not my, I'm not in catering.

My, the thing that really annoys me is... Feel free to take the rhymes out of me for this. Oh, we will. When I have coffee, I always have decaffeinated. Me too. It gives me the jitters. What's the point? I know.

So I always have decaffeinated cappuccino, and I can't tell you how many times they bring the decaffeinated cappuccino, and I can't tell you how many times they bring the decaffeinated cappuccino, and they put it down and say, okay, cappuccino. So suddenly there's doubt in my mind straight away. And I say, is it decaffeinated? And they go, yeah. That's not good. I want more.

Then I think it isn't. Yeah. And then I think I just get jittery by osmosis. I've done that for people when they ask for, like, gin and Slim, and then you get back and you've forgotten at the bar, and someone says, oh, this is Slimline Tonic, isn't it? And you go, yeah. You know, exactly that moment of just going, I'm not going up and down.

I'll tell you what, I don't like specials. I won't tolerate specials. It takes so long. It's like listening to Ulysses being read out. We have beef, tender as 14 days. I don't want to know. And also, you can't trust the specials like the old time coppers

when you can't find your way home. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. specials like the old time coppers when you can't find your way home absolute radio Frank Skinner on absolute radio we were talking about food earlier well we were specifically talking about what irritates us slightly in restaurants ordering angst

when you go in on booze and then it doesn't I never trust them I never trust them to remember it all either. Why do they do that? I like them to have a pad and paper. Why don't they write it down? It's not supposed to be a contest. But it is for some staff, isn't it? I think there's some

establishments that say to the staff unless it's a table of six or more, you can't use a pen and paper, which seems pointless to me. I don't know why. You make quite a strong point. Thanks very much. Also, if I order first, like you were saying,

what I don't like is to have the same thing that someone else is having. Exactly. I've had this round with my wife. So I order, and then they order the same, and often I'll change mine. I don't... It's like, you know, the Salvation Army have to...

I think the officers have to marry other people that are in the Salvation Army. Do they? It's like that. It's my fight against that. Also, I like to say, how's that? Oh, how's the whitebait? And if we've all got the same thing... It is weird that I have whitebait for breakfast, isn't it?

Well, no, I'm fine with it. I wasn't going to mention it. I know exactly what you mean though, because if you're a couple and you order the exact same thing, then you've both got the risk of... What are you going to talk about? You've got the risk of having a bad meal, both of you. Whereas one person, if you order a different one, one of you can win. But you know when you're in a couple and you're

constantly desperate for stuff to talk about? Yeah. That's where you go out for a meal. I can say with confidence, you are not in one of those relationships. I have been. And then you order different things, so you can just say, well, mine's like this, what's yours like?

Have you really been out with people and struggled for conversation? For a night. Oh, yeah. I know what you mean, actually, Shaquille O'Neal, but, yeah. Yeah. yeah exactly how did that go did he dunk pardon it's a basketball so yeah oh god well how about this i um i was in uh i was having brunch with you guys i don't know if you remember this. But I was saying, it struck me at the time, that what I

would love to do is to get a small, like a little tiny Calagas stove, which I add onto the table. And hold it under there so they can't see. And when the man comes to

collect the plates at the end the waiter to say to him okay careful with that it's really hot and i said this in the in the thing so i've heated the plate up and because i do get annoyed when they say don't touch that it's really hot why have you brought it to me then some old tea towel health and safety that are supposed to be dominating british society i brought you a really really hot plate we're going to put it right next to you and you've got to try and eat off it that's so yeah so i say so i'll give him the hot plate and say be careful so i said that and the cockerel said to me write that down did i did i really write that down he said did he say

if you like me have trouble remembering things, write that down? No, but right, so I thought, oh, OK, I will. So the next, so when I did some stand-up recently, I thought, I'll try that. So I said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I thought it would go with, it's got a sort of a broad, you know, like a sort of Michael McIntyre, John Bishop sort of appeal. Wide appeal. Yeah.

I did nothing. And I then realised, of course, it was a trap. The cockerel knew very well. My work here is done. Cockerel knew it was robbing. What a cockerel. And he's very much let me down on that one. So I'm not falling for that one again.

We've had a message from Joe in Sutton on the subject of restaurant etiquette if I may use that phrase Frank and the gang talking of restaurants I remember the first time I went into a reasonably decent restaurant there was a finger bowl

and after peeling my prawns I washed them in it you know the ones that you dip your little hands in so you don't get prawny smell it's difficult i went into i love that place called christopher's in covent garden which at the time i'd just come from oh yes very 80s 90s but this was the uh 80s 90s and i'd come down from birmingham and it seemed like, I mean, beyond sophistication. And they asked me what I wanted and I said, I'll have steak tartare, well done.

Oh. I didn't know it was raw. Do you know that breaks my heart? It's raw, yeah. And the waiter slightly sniggered. I do a... How do you park your car in Collindale as well? Of course.

Of course. I do a version of what Joe did now on purpose at the end of a meal you know when you don't eat indian food out much do you know when they bring the hot towels around at the end i love it it's like eating it's like getting a spoon and eating a jar of branston's nice anyway just don't get your disbelief i like pop the doms and their accompanying crisps don't you? What do you do then if a friend said, hold that thought, Cockrell, bookmark it.

Yeah, OK. But if a friend says, I'll park that for a while. Let's go for a curry. Would you just say, I'm afraid I can't? I'll say, do they sell chicken Maryland? Which is what curry houses in Birmingham used to sell for people who didn't like Indian food.

Did they? I just, you know, I can consume it, but I don't really like to go out as a challenge like that. I think you could get over it by eating, just picking dishes that will be satisfying. Also, I argue... Why should he have to get over it in some senses? Yeah.

One of my spouses doesn't like it just because, you know, it's politically correct. It's like horses. They've got to earn your respect. We've been down that road. Why? I don't like it just because, you know, it's politically correct. It's like horses. They've got to earn your respect. We've been down that road. Why? I don't want their respect. Anyway, I was in a...

I like Indians. I just don't like Indian food. Can I make that clear? For the avoidance of doubt. I didn't like them so much when they beat us in the cricket. But, yeah, no. It's not... I just...

I find it... No. But the hot towel that they bring around at the end... I like that. Yeah. I'm happy to go, Papa Dom's hot towel, goodnight. Well, maybe the mint. You know the mint you get sometimes?

The chocolate mint. Oh, yeah. I do two things with the hot towel. First of all, when it arrives, I always pretend that... Is it going to be like the wife's fan I always I always always pretend that it's more food and I think it's more food and I look at the towel and go I couldn't eat another thing thank you excellent and then uh how many times is the Cockroach as Mrs Cockroach all the time and then it's meant

really for washing your fingers isn't it because you've been eating with your hands with the pop of Doms and whatnot. I always give my face a wash and then unbutton my shirt and do my armpits in the restaurant. You don't do the armpits. I do, I do the armpits. It sounds like you're a bit of a physical comedian. You're clowning. I like clowning. Clown about, yeah.

You don't. Bit of fun. I do, yeah. When I get a hot towel, I must say, I always... And then you take the towel home. Give that a wash, love. Be all right. I do wash my hands with it, but I always, always, if it's on a plane or in a restaurant, I don't care,

I always take the sleep out of the corners of my eyes with it. What, with the towel? Yeah. I don't really use the towel. You know that slightly crackly stuff in the corners of the eyes? I always take that out. Oh, that's a nice topic. I never use that towel.

I don't want to talk about eye boogies on the radio. He doesn't use it. I just think it worries me. It's a bit like if I start thinking about hotel sheets too much and where they've been before. OPT, other people's towels. I'm not down with them. OPT?

OK. Well, that's fair enough. Sorry. My mum asks if food is real when she's ordering. That's a bit embarrassing. She's an existentialist. Maybe, maybe that's what it is, but we'll be in a place and she'll go... It's on Paul Cockrell.

See the chips? See the chips? Are they real chips? Are they real chips here? What does she mean by that? Is she prone to illusion? I think she sort of means, are they, like, is somebody chopping up a potato to make the chips, or are they bought in a big bag and just put in an oven? Oh, I see. She's actually said several times when I'm out with her, and she'll say, if I order the soup, is it real soup or is it that plasticky soup?

Meaning, like, are you just pouring it out of a tin or something? Is it real soup or is it that plasticky soup? Meaning, like, are you just pouring it out of a tin or something? Is it real soup or plasticky soup? I like that. I think we know where the cockerel gets it all from. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

We haven't talked about a certain star appearance at a school sports day this week, which you may or may not have seen. DB, David Beckham, at Cruise. Funny old one, that Cruise. I never had to say it, but it was his sports day. Is it Cruz? No.

He took part in the Dad's Race. Oh sports day. Is it cross? No. He took part in the dad's race. How brilliant that is. I love it. Yeah, unless you're one of the dads on that starting line, because, I mean, let's face it, typically the dads are going to be like 18 stone, not doing any exercise, probably high mileage

drivers and doing a lot of work. I don't know if dads are like that now. High mileage drivers. Can I say, typically high mileage drivers is the most cockerel thing that's possible to say. You know, these guys aren't that fit. They're probably a lot of room service in hotels. I'm picturing a picture of me, really, aren't I? They're going to be rich businessmen, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, they're not going to be someone with

zero body fat and looking hunky. And they're rich businessmen. And he's there. Anyway, he won. He won. Yeah. He won the dad. David Beckham won the dad.

Right. I can't overthink it. Let's call this thing Beck's Wiz. Yeah, Beck's Wiz. I think he tried to lose it, but he's so much fitter than all of them but Becks whiz Becks whiz yeah he's fast at running

and it's like Buck's fist yeah oh I see that's all I needed was a foot now do you like me

think I should have called it Becks whiz I do now no but like you couldn't just say I don't think you've got it you just kept repeating it I was prepared

I thought you hadn't heard no I had heard I thought we were going to start next week's show with him still saying it. That's what I thought. I was worried. But here's the question. If you went to a school event and they said we're going to have a little stand-up comedy competition for the dads,

would you go in for it? Go in for it and completely blow them away. Which is what you basically did, isn't it? Yeah, but I think he was trying to lose. No way. I bet he did cartwheels or ran backwards or something and just all of them were so profoundly

unathletic compared to Beckham who could still finish the sleep test. He was an international athlete about six weeks ago. Posh beat Posh raced, but Stella McCartney beat her. Is that true? Yeah. Excellent. What kind of a school is this?

It is Stella Street High. My kind of school. What I like, though, is that they showed her a picture of posh running and she got a leather jacket on, white shirt and jeans she was wearing. Yeah? Mm-hm. It was sort of Beck's Fonz. OK, but... What?

It doesn't make sense at all, that. The Fonz. You're not the Fonz. No, I know, but you're trying to do another Buck's Fizz. Am I explaining all the jokes in this, Luke? Thank God you're here. I know what the joke is. I'm just questioning its validity.

Anyway, I have to say, I mean, I know what you mean, that you do sort of think these people who turn up and they think this is my mum, one moment of glory I get to run in the dad's race. And then Beckham has had quite a bit of glory. Yeah. But isn't there something brilliant about it?

Yeah. I love that Victoria went in the mums race because it's so on Victoria and that's because their kids was there and their kids said oh go on mum she couldn't say no I think it's great

I'm not going to be on twitter saying went to my school sports day and the classiness was taken down by the Beckhams. No way. I thought it was brilliant that they... Me too. Also, for the dads, you get beat.

But you say, yeah, I was once in a race, actually, with David Beckham. If you're going to get beaten... Although, you see, I didn't like sports day because my parents were actors. They're not very good at sports day. They had a wine glass and a cigarette in their egg and spoon race my mum won the egg and spoon race but only after 10 minutes she wanted to take the eggs home

are these eggs real? are they real eggs? did your parents do the eggs? my parents never went to the school I don't remember parents being at our school sports day this was at a time when parents went to work school. I don't remember parents being at our school sports day. This was at the time when parents went to work in the daytime. Children were seen and not

heard. But no, there was never any parents at the school sports day. It happened in the week. We just did it and then we went home. I don't know where these things come from. I certainly don't remember any major fashion designers winning anything. I find that surprising.

But I thought it was brilliant. Posh Spice runs in the Moms race. Don't get any better. And you know what? If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.